Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar…..Mike Myers
Tyler…..Phil Hartman
Faldor…..Ed O’Neill
Lothar: [ to the audience ] I am Lothar of the Hill People! Much have I have seen, and much have I done, for I am Lothar of the Hill People! [ sits next to Tyler and Faldor ] Faldor, Tyler, of what do speak?
Tyler: We speak of many things! The hunt! Fire! The weakness of women!
Lothar: Do not tell me that women are weak! For today, my woman has cast me out of the hut!
Faldor: Mine, as well!
Tyler: My woman, also! She behaves as if I am unimportant!
Lothar: Yes! I am Chieftan of all the Hill People! But in my own hut, I am deemed no better than foul humors discharged from the body!
Faldor: Ah, yes. I, too, have worn the brown helmet. It vexes me!
Lothar: You know, I will do battle with my woman, and lose. I will do battle with my woman, and win.. and yet, I still lose! And I am supposed to feel great sorrow for her! I swear, by Zeena’s teats, if I hand her advantage on the field of war, I would be a god.
Faldor: To this, I can relate. At dawn, I leave the hut; my woman is happy in her toil. When I return from my daily gathering, I am tired and hungry; there is no food or fire, because she has dragged out her ceremonial betroval skins and spent the day weeping because they do not fit. And somehow all this is my fault! I tell you, that ties a knot in my pelt! And now, her family has come to comfort her. They have been with us since Nordis blew his icy breath. And, I tell you, if her brother is not out of my hut by piping time, there will be a clubbing!
Lothar: My woman’s family dwelled among us for some time. My woman would not walk with me while they were in our hut. She felt her matriarch would not approve of her walking with a man. I told her that her mother must have walked freely with somebody at sometime, or she would not be here for this conversation. My point was futile. It was like trying to tell the people not to eat monkey heads!
Tyler: Ah. There are days that I am so troubled, that I swear I will never walk with a woman again! And keep only the company of men!
Faldor: I have a brother who made that pledge.
Tyler: Oh, do not be misled.. the urge to walk with women is still there, there has never been any question of that! But my woman is so unpredictable! After the last great hunt, I stopped by the council fire and the feast!
Lothar: Ah, I know it well – it was a good feast, albeit a formal one.
Tyler: I drank many falgens of mead, as is my custom, and invited my fellow warriors to the hut for a game of sticks and rocks. I sent my woman ahead to prepare for us, but when I arrived, I found my personal collection of sacred relics and amulets scattered outside the hut, as if thrown with great force! Above the door is the Talisman of Gleadley, signifying death to all who cross it! Since then, I have been in the company of men!
Lothar: I have seen woman behave like this – they frighten cattle!
Faldor: What gives women such power? We are the warriors! We are the chieftans!
Lothar: Yes! Who smoked the Tree People when they attacked with a force three times greater than our own – women?
Tyler & Faldor: No!! Men!!
Tyler: And who was it that redirected the River Zoro, so the harvest would be more bountiful!
All: Men!!
Faldor: And who is it that can write their name in the snow without using their hand! Men!
[ Lothar are Tyler stare at Faldor ]
Lothar: Well.. that is a lesser point.. But you are a man, and we will overlook it!
Tyler: Yes! Slacks shall be cut for you, my friend!
Lothar: And who is better at creating a social and domestic order – one in which we can all create, and be at our best? [ pause ] Again, that is a bad example. Let us sing a song to help us forget about women!
Tyler: Yes!
Lothar: Yes! Let us sing “The Man Song”! You know the tune!
[ they stand ]
All: [ singing ] “Men, men, men, men
Men are better than women!
Men are stronger
Men are better
Men are better than women!”
[ they laugh ]
Tyler: I am filled with camaraderie!
Faldor: Let us sing another verse!
Tyler: Yes!
Woman’s Voice: Lothar? Lo-thar!
Lothar: Uh.. [ speaks to the audience ] I can tell by the position of the sun in the sky, that is time for us to go. Until next time, I am Lothar of the Hill People!
Ed O’Neill: Hey, listen – I want to thank everybody for coming! It’s been a, uh.. a great night. I want to thank Harry Connick, Jr..
Harry Connick, Jr.: Thank you.
Ed O’Neill: ..Maury Povich, and uh.. I want to thank all the great “Saturday Night Live” cast members. And the band – they made me feel good! Thank you all, and I hope you had a good time, and uh.. bye bye!
[ open on Victoria Jackson running through the streets of New York to catch a cab. Once inside, she casually removes product from purse and nicks off a few unwanted hairs around her knees. ]
Jingle: “She’s on the go Movin’ fast She’s gonna make that smooth look last. She’s BiziLadyyyyyyyy!BiziLady!”
[ cut to Nora Dunn at a business meeting. As she makes her presentation, she casually reaches underneath the table to nick a few unwanted hairs from her leg with product. The men do their best to get a look under the table. ]
“She’s movin’ up now And men don’t care. ‘Cause they can’t see unwanted hair. Under the ladyyyyyy! BiziLady!”
[ cut to Jan Hooks on a date at the opera. Paying no mind to the other people in the theatre, she stretches her arm up and uses product to remove a few unwanted hairs from her armpit. Her date expresses his pleasure. ]
“She’s soft to touch Not like a man. Just want to stay as smooth as she can. With BiziLadyyyyyyyy! BiziLady!”
[ cut to Victoria Jackson picking up her young daughter at school. The young girl is using a simulated product to remove unwanted hairs from a baby doll’s leg. As Victoria leans down, her daughter uses the product to remove a few unwanted hairs from Victoria’s upper lip. ]
“She’s soft and sleek Smooth and soft Sleek and soft Soft and soft. BiziLady!”
[ show product in front of a perfectly-shaved wonman’s leg ]
Announcer: Now there isn’t anywhere you can’t be smooth.
BiziLady. The anywhere shaver from Go Girl Products.
…..Lorne Michaels Church Lady…..Dana Carvey …..Phil Hartman
Lorne Michaels: Hello, I’m Lorne Michaels. And, as you know, this is our first show of the 1990’s. And all of us here at “Saturday Night Live” are very excited. For you see, unlike other television shows, we plan to keep right in step with this fantastic new decade, and all the changes it is bringing.
First of all, from now on all cast members will be equipped with jetpacks, to allow them free and rapid movement during a sketch.
[ Church Lady hovers by slowly on a jetpack ]
Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special?
Lorne Michaels: Yes, Church Lady, it truly is. Another change is that you’ll no longer be listening to the “Saturday Night Live” band. Recent advances in audio technology have enabled us to replace them with this silicon globule. [ displays the globule ] Similar advances have enabled us to replace Jon Lovitz.. with this.
Globule V/O: Yes.. that is the tick-et.
Lorne Michaels: We’ll be gradually automating all of our cast members, with the execption of Phil Hartman.. who, as you know, is an android.
[ smiling, android-like Phil Hartman steps up to give Lorne a handshake ]
Phil Hartman: Hello, Lorne!
Lorne Michaels: Hello, Phil.
[ android Phil Hartman steps backwards off the stage, barely moving a muscle ]
Lorne Michaels: But that’s not at all. The “Saturday Night Live” of the 90’s will also make food for you. Just place your “Saturday Night Live” frozen dinner in front of your TV screen while the musical guest is performing, and the show will emit ultraviolet rays that will cook it in three minutes. It’s a delicious meal, and it’s made by Stouffer’s.
[ a futuristic logo flies into the righthand corner of the screen, its colors throbbing and glowing vibrantly as Lorne talks ]
Ah! It’s the new “Saturday Night Live” logo! Especially designed to capture the excitement of the 90’s, the logo was created at John-Hopkins University and has the ability to read your mind. Its colors and hapes reveal how you’re responding to a sketch.
[ the silicon globule screeches ]
I see we’d better wrap things up. But, before I go, just one more feature of the show, that you’ll find at your local drugstore. From now on, if you miss a show for any reason, you can grab a “Saturday Night Live” rerun pill, pop it in your mouth, and enjoy. [ pops a rerun pill into his mouth ] Mmm.. Tony Danza! It still holds up!
Anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy these changes throughout the decade, and that you’ll learn to-
Don Pardo V/O: Wait a minute, Lorne! You forgot me!
Lorne Michaels: Oh, I’m sorry! Don! [ a stangehand hands a tortoise to Lorne ] I forgot to mention that the voicebox of our announcer, Don Pardo, has been surgically-implanted in a young tortoise. This will ensure that Don will be the voice of “Saturday Night Live” for the next 150 years! Right, Don?
[ close-up of the tortoise, his mouth actually moving in sync to Don Pardo’s V/O ]
Don Pardo V/O: Right, Lorne!
[ dissolve to new futuristic “Saturday Night Live” logo glowing different colors ]
Don Pardo V/O: The new “Saturday Night Live”. Retooled, state-of-the-art.. high-tech entertainment that has the Japanese on the run.
[ dissolve back to wide shot of Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: I think.. we have a lot to offer. And all of us here at the show hope we’ll be in your future. Thank you.
[ the image of Lorne Michaels folds inward, into a line, then is covered by a bright light and disappears the same way the picture does when older televisions are turned off ]
SNL Transcripts: Ed O’Neill: 01/13/90 ]]> Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 15: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
January 13th, 1990 Ed O’Neill Harry Connick, Jr. None Maury Povich Lorne Michaels Bob Odenkirk Noriega’s PlanSummary: Manuel Noriega (Jon Lovitz) talks President George Bush (Dana Carvey) into a hair-brained scheme. Recurring Characters: President George Bush. Transcript
Montage
Ed O’Neill’s MonologueSummary: Ed O’Neill may be well-known for his performance on “Married.. With Children”, but his hosting is also a potential embarrassment for SNL and Fox. Transcript
I Got What You NeedSummary: Stash the shopkeeper (Ed O’Neill) recommends household items as though we were describing his penis. Transcript
Wayne’s WorldSummary: Wayne (Mike Myers) and Garth (Dana Carvey) perform an anti-drunk driving ad to make amends with their Driver’s Ed teacher Mr. Hemphill (Ed O’Neill). Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar. Transcript
Harry Connick, Jr. performs “It Had To Be You”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Grumpy Old Man.
The Nagging Husband
Dennis Woo’s Real Estate Fortunes The Easy Way
Ceausescu’s Wake
Harry Connick, Jr. performs “It’s Alright With Me”
Lothar Of The Hill PeopleSummary: Lothar (Mike Myers) dicusses “walking with women) with Tyler (Phil Hartman) and Faldor (Ed O’Neill). Recurring Characters: Lothar, Tyler. Transcript
SNL in the 90’sSummary: Lorne Michaels previews the changes that will be made to SNL in the coming decade. Recurring Characters: Church Lady. Transcript
… Dennis Miller Mrs. Claus … Victoria Jackson … Al Franken … Joe Franken
Music Intro: The coda of “Hey Jude” by theBeatles.
Don Pardo V/O: And, now, “Weekend Update” withanchorperson, Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, andwhat can I tell ya?
[Newsweek cover with photo of President George Bushpointing with index finger to Soviet Premier MikhailGorbachev.] Boy, it might have been a short summitconference but, towards the end, these two guys got socozy, right after this photo was taken, Bush had Gorbypullin’ on his finger. …
You know, President Bush has claimed that recentpro-democracy changes in Czechoslovakia are the directresult of influence by his administration. In arelated story, Prague held its first free elections inover thirty years and Czech freedom fighter AlexanderDubcek has been linked to furloughed Massachusettsrapist Willie Horton. …
[Photo of Vice President Dan Quayle delivering aspeech] An awkward moment during his speech this weekin New York when Vice President Dan Quayle’s faceplate popped off. … [Doctored photo of Quayle withface gone, replaced by robot technology] … and theyhad to resolder a circuit board before the speechcould continue. … [cheers and applause]
[Photo of Secretary of State James Baker peepingthrough a hole in the Berlin Wall] Secretary of StateJames Baker was in West Berlin this week and couldn’tresist taking a peek through the Berlin Wall. Here’swhat he saw through the peephole. [Video of twoscantily-clad women boxers slugging it out in a bar]… Afterwards, he went backstage to meet one of theperformers. [Photo of Baker with a black eye, shakinghands with British Prime Minister Margaret “The IronMaiden” Thatcher] … [applause]
Egyptian authorities this week reopened aninvestigation into what really happened last year whena seven hundred pound chunk of the Sphinx plummeted tothe ground. The crumbling Sphinx — could it have beensabotage? To answer that question, the Egyptiangovernment has called in a blue-ribbon panel oferosion experts. [Photos of actress Joan Collins,evangelist Tammy Faye Bakker and one of the Gaborsisters] … [crowd oohs, Dennis cracks up, someapplause]
And, now, just in from the North Pole, is a veryperturbed Mrs. Claus. Hello, Mrs. Claus.
Mrs. Claus: Hi, Dennis. [Cheers and applausefor bespectacled, white-haired Mrs. Claus who wears ared suit with white fur fringe – She speaks more insorrow than in anger as she waves to the crowd] Hello,everybody. Dennis, thank you so much for letting me dothis. I – I’m sick and tired of my husband ignoringme. And I know he watches the news every night so hemight see this. [pleading, into camera] Santa, I’vetried everything to distract you from making thosestupid toys all year and leaving me alone everyChristmas Eve with the elves. This is my final attemptto get your attention.
[Brief electric guitar intro, then Mrs. Claussings:]
Every year you go away While I’m turning old and gray Santa, please skip Christmas this year –
[Mrs. Claus pulls down her top to expose her bareshoulders, pulls off her white wig and tousles herblonde locks.]
I dyed my hair, I lost some weight I could make ya feel really great Santa, please skip Christmas this year –
[takes off eyeglasses]
Everybody knows by now Santa Claus is just not how Presents end up under the Christmas tree – Look at me!
[slides over to embrace Dennis]
I’m horny as a bat from hell [kisses Dennis oncheek] I need your love – can’t you tell?
[Instead of singing the line “Santa, please skipChristmas this year,” Mrs. Claus repeatedly smoochesDennis, smearing his face with lipstick – thenbreathlessly climbs up on the WU desk to poseprovocatively, revealing a short, fur-trimmed skirtand black stockings. Dennis tries to straighten hissheaf of news bulletins but she pushes themaway.]
We could drink some eggnog Lay down by the fire Think of all those tingly things Our little red suits – could inspire
[climbs off desk]
Everyone knows you don’t exist So you could never be missed Pillows belong on a bed, not under yourshirt
[sits in Dennis’ lap]
Lose that list that you’ve checked twice [puts her arms around Dennis] I’ll be naughty, I’ll be nice Put something in my stocking Christmas Eve We could be rocking
The children will all be okay [As she leans in toward the camera, her microphoneemits feedback] Maybe we could even– [looks down at her mike,startled] Oh! Maybe– [glances back at Dennis, turns, winks intocamera] Maybe we could even conceive some of our own today- Santa, please skip Christmas this year – [rises for a stop-time climax, shakes her hips] I’ll ring your be-e-ells! Santa, please skip Christmas this year – Some milk and cookies! [drops into Dennis’ lap again] Santa, give it to me! Thi–! [quietly] Give it to me – [big finish] This yeeeeeeeeear!
[Song ends, huge cheers and applause as Mrs. Clausgives Dennis a huge kiss on the lips, rises] Whoo hoo![laughing, she sits in her own chair again and watchesas Dennis fans himself with his sheaf of papers anduses a handkerchief to wipe some of the lipstick offhis face. She yells out:] Never mind, Santa Claus![sidles up to Dennis and lovingly takes hisarm]
Dennis Miller: Well. Thank you, Mrs. Claus.
Mrs. Claus: [shyly] Thank you. [exits]
Dennis Miller: Suddenly, I’m sitting here witha candy cane. … [applause, wipes off more lipstick]Wow. Now, is it just me or did she just get feedbackoff her breasts? You know– … [Dennis cracksup]
You know, today marks the birthday of Ludwig vanBeethoven, the noted eighteenth century composer whoinspired the hit song, “Roll Over, Beethoven.”…
And Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriverbecame parents this week for the first time. They hada beautiful baby daughter who was born in a LosAngeles hospital. The attending physician said there’sno mistaking it’s Arnold’s kid. The baby immediatelybegan doing pull-ups on the umbilical cord….
A judge ruled yesterday that reputed mob boss JohnGotti can learn the names of the jurors in hisupcoming assault trial — but not their businesses orhome addresses. Jury foreman John Smith said that heis not worried … but juror Laika Jardel Rapsanicksaid, “Yeah, I’m a little worried but, uh … I’mpretty sure he’s not guilty.” …
Last week, the National Capital Planning Commissionapproved a National Park Service proposal to give theWashington Monument grounds one of the most extensiveface lifts in its hundred and five year history. Thefirst step in the plan is to bring in, once again, ablue-ribbon panel of restoration experts. [Photos,once again, of actress Joan Collins, evangelist TammyFaye Bakker and one of the Gabor sisters] … [someapplause]
Tonight will be the last Weekend Update of the AlFranken Decade and here to give his thoughts on the’90s is Al Franken. Welcome, Al!
Al Franken: [cheers and applause forbespectacled Al Franken, in suit and tie] Thank you,Dennis. In December 1979, I sat behind this desk andasked you to think about what you could do for me, AlFranken. [SUPER: AL FRANKEN] … Well, it’s ten yearslater and I know you’re wondering what the ’90s willbring for me, Al Franken. [SUPER: AL FRANKEN] AnotherAl Franken Decade? No. No, in the ’90s, I’m going tobe looking beyond myself, Al Franken. [SUPER: ALFRANKEN] Because, frankly, I’m worried about the kindof world we’re leaving to my children. I’ve had twothis decade. A son, Joe. And a daughter– Uh– [can’tremember daughter’s name] … Boy, this isembarrassing. Um– I can see her face. She’s – she’sreally beautiful. In fact, when I look at my kids, Isee me, Al Franken. [SUPER: AL FRANKEN] … And that’swhy the 1990s will be the Joe Franken Decade. Joe?[Five year old Joe Franken, a tiny boy in a checkedsuit and tie, rolls into view on a chair and joins hisfather – cheers and applause] Hi, Joe.
Joe Franken: Hi, Dad. [SUPER: JOEFRANKEN]
Al Franken: Ah, I under– First of all,congratulations on, uh, first, on being my son. And,uh– … And on my decision to make the 1990s the JoeFranken Decade. Now, I understand you – you have ajoke for us.
Joe Franken: Knock knock.
Al Franken: Who’s there?
Joe Franken: Me.
Al Franken: Me, who?
Joe Franken: Me, Joe Franken. [SUPER: JOEFRANKEN] … [applause]
Al Franken: And, Joe, your watchword for the’90s is?
Joe Franken: [enthusiastic, with pumping offists] YES! …
Al Franken: By the way, Joe will, uh, turnfifteen just before the close of the Joe FrankenDecade. You – you did a good job, Joe.
Joe Franken: Thank you, Daddy.
Al Franken: Ah, and, for those of you who won’tbe, uh, in – be able to be in Times Square on NewYear’s Eve, here’s a little peek at how the JoeFranken Decade will be ushered in.
[Cut to Times Square at night where a lighted ballwith Al’s face drops as a roaring crowd counts down tozero. When it hits bottom, green neon text reading”1989 – GOODBYE AL” switches to “1990 – HELLO JOE -HAPPY JOE FRANKEN DECADE” and Al’s face is replacedwith Joe’s. Fireworks explode, the lighted ballascends, the crowd roars. Extended cheers and applauseas we dissolve back to the WU desk.]
Al Franken: Dennis?
Dennis Miller: [shakes hands with Joe and Al]Thank you, Al. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, buddy. JoeFranken. [Al puts a supportive hand on Joe’s shoulderand kisses him on the head] Thank you, Joe, thank you.I already like him better than the old man. You know–…
[Photo of Mount Rushmore] Ravaged by time and weather,the Mount Rushmore faces are being studied bymineralogists to see if the granite needs resurfacing.And, to aid in the decision, they’ve called in ablue-ribbon panel … of experts for advice. [Photos,one last time, of Joan Collins, Tammy Faye Bakker andthat Gabor sister.]
[Photo of aging ex-Beatle Paul McCartney and co-authorof song “When I’m Sixty-Four” who had played fourconcerts that week at New York’s Madison SquareGarden.] You know, if he keeps this up, we’ll be ableto tell him to his face if we still need him when he’ssixty-four. …
[Image of “Doogie Howser, M.D.” on cover of TV Guide]This week’s– This is this week’s cover of TV Guideand, you know, I find it easier to believe in theconcept of a sixteen year old surgeon than I do tobelieve in a sixteen year old kid who hasn’t asked hisparents to stop calling him “Doogie.” …
The American bald eagle, whose population plummetedtwo decades ago, has made such a dramatic recoverythat federal officials say it will no longer be an”endangered species” but rather a “threatenedspecies.” Trying to figure out why sportsmen are notgoing after the bald eagle as much as they used to, awildlife spokesman said, “The only thing we can figureis that many hunters are put off by the fact that thebald eagles often pull hair from this side of theirskull over to this side of their skull to cover thebald spot.” …
[Photo of actresses Vivien Leigh and Hattie McDanielin “Gone with the Wind”] This week, to celebrate itsfiftieth anniversary, Ted Turner’s Superstationbroadcast the classic “Gone with the Wind.” This time,Turner racially colorized the film [Vivien Leigh turnsblack and Hattie McDaniel turns white] so that thewhite actors became black and the black actors becamewhite, confusing many who were seeing the movie forthe first time. …
[Doctored photo of boxing promoter Don King withtinsel and Christmas ornaments in his towering head ofhair] And Don King had his annual hair trimming partyyesterday. …
Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I am out o’here! Merry Christmas!
[Cheers, applause and more of “Hey Jude” by theBeatles. Dennis grooves to the music as we pull backand fade out.]
Santa Claus…..Phil Hartman Mrs. Claus…..Nora Dunn Hanukkah Harry….Jon Lovitz Scott…..Mike Myers Christine…..Victoria Jackson
[Sketch opens with strains of ‘Joy to the World’ as snow falls gently besidea small house, with a tiny sign indicating the North Pole.]
[Inside, Santa Claus is in bed wearing red flannel P.J.’s. Mrs. Claus removes a thermometer from his mouth.]
Mrs. Claus: You’re just too sick, Santa. You have to stay in bed and that’s that.
Santa Claus: But it’s Christmas Eve! What about all the boys and girls?
Mrs. Claus: (pats his hand) They’ll just have to understand.
Santa Claus: No! I’ve delivered toys every Christmas for almost 2000 years! I’m not going to let a little stomach virus stop me. (wretches and vomits violently into a bucket held by an elf at his bedside.) Ohhh.. I feel like dying..
Mrs. Claus: Why can’t the elves deliver the toys?
Santa Claus: The elves just don’t possess the magic to visit the millions and millions of boys and girls in one night!
Mrs. Claus: Well, then I guess there isn’t going to be a Christmas.
Santa Claus: Well, there is one man who has that kind of magic, only he’s kinda’ busy this time of year himself.
Mrs. Claus: You mean..
Santa Claus: That’s right.. Hanukkah Harry!
[Cut to a shot of a small factory sitting next to a sign reading “Mt Sinai”]
[Inside we see a whole plethora of people working at sewing machines. Thephone rings at the desk of a man with a gray beard, wearing a hat identicalto Santa’s, only it’s blue rather than red. He is writing with a feather andink at his desk.]
Hanukkah Harry: Hello? [pause] Speaking. [pause] Who? Oh hello, Santa! [yells to his staff] Hey! Could you hold it down, please, it’s longdistance.
[They proceed working and their sewing machines suddenly register at half volume.]
Hanukkah Harry: Well, Santa you’ve kinda caught me at a bad time, this being Hanukkah and all, but why not?! [hangs up]
[Fade into opening credits:]
[Hallmark in Association with the Jewish Anti-Defamation league presents:]
[The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Christmas!]
[As the theme song is sung, we see Harry dressed in a gray suit flyingthrough the air on a rickety cart pulled by 3 donkeys with blue blanketsbearing their names.]
Song: “On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo! It’s Hanukkah Harry 8 nights a year! On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo! Means that Hanukkah Harry is here! Delivering Toys to Jewish girls and Jewish boys We dance the horah around the menorah ‘Cuz Hanukkah Harry is Here!”
[We see a globe turning with a tiny miniature of Harry travelling around it,representing his trip to the North Pole. Once again we see the tiny pole andsign representing the home of Santa and the Mrs.]
[Mrs. Claus enters Santa’s bedroom with Harry.]
Mrs. Claus: We can’t thank you enough Hanukkah Harry…Santa just can’t keep anything down.
Hanukkah Harry: Try a little cottage cheese.it’ll settle his stomach.
Santa Claus: (Holding his stomach and looking green) Harrrry..
Hanukkah Harry: Santa, I brought you a coffee ring.
Santa Claus: Thank you but I can’t keep anything down.
Hanukkah Harry: You should maybe try a little cottage cheese, It’ll settle your.. so I’m here.. talk to me.
Santa Claus: Harry..here’s a list of who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.
Hanukkah Harry: Hmm.. Brad Anderson, naughty. Now what’d he do that was so bad?
Santa Claus: His parents had some company over and he spoke when he wasn’t spoken to.
Hanukkah Harry: What is with you people?! What, is that a crime? He’s a kid! Kids talk. I’ll bring him a little something. Now listen, you get some rest, I’ll deliver the toys, and tomorrow I’ll call ya’. Don’t worry!
[Harry goes to leave and once again Mrs. C attempts to express theirgratitude.]
Mrs. Claus: Hanukkah Harry, we can’t thank you enough!
Mrs. Claus: (sits at Santa’s bedside, relieved) What a nice man!
Santa Claus: You know, I guess deep down everybody is pretty much the same.
[They stop talking as they hear from Harry whip his donkeys bray and heshouts “On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo!”]
[Again we see the globe spinning as the cart carrying Harry delivers toysaround the world.]
[Fade into the exterior of a suburban neighborhood, lit for Christmas.]
[Inside young Scott and Christine sneak down the stairs in their pajamas.]
Scott: Look! The milk and cookies are still there!Christine: “I told you, he won’t come until we fall asleep!
[From outside the children hear noise on the roof, donkeys braying and avoice yells “Whoa Moische! Whoa Herschel! Whoa Schlomo!” The children jumpup and down excitedly.]
Scott: It’s him! It’s Santa Claus!
Christine: Quick! HIDE![As the children perch beside the Christmas tree, we hear squeezing noises and Harry and his blue hat come head first down the chimney. He yells “Oy!” He carries a blue sack with a menorah painted on it.]
Hanukkah Harry: Tree.Tree find the tree..Oh here we go!”
[As he heads toward the tree he notices the milk and cookies on the mantle.]
Hanukkah Harry: What’s this? (sniffs the milk) Better put it in the fridge before it turns!
[As he walks toward the kitchen, Scott is unable to contain his excitement and leaps out at Harry.]
Scott: Santa!
Hanukkah Harry: Oy! Ach! You gave me a coronary! What are you kids doing up?
Scott: We were just too excited, we couldn’t sleep!
Christine: Yeah We’re sorry. It doesn’t mean we won’t get any toys, does it?
Hanukkah Harry: What?! For insomnia? Don’t be silly. Try some warm milk, or bananas.. they have a little tryptophan, put you out like a light!
Scott: You don’t look like Santa. Santa’s supposed to have a red suit and a cherry nose. You have a black suit and your nose is..
Hanukkah Harry: [waves the description off] You’re a very smart boy. I’m not Santa Claus, I’m Hanukkah Harry.
Christine: Hanukkah Harry?
Hanukkah Harry: Yes, Santa, he had a stomach virus, so I’m filling in, bringing toys to all the Gentile boys and girls. Now Christine, Santa told me you’ve been very good. So I’m being especially nice to you. (hands her a present)
Christine: (excitedly rips open her gift) Socks?!
Hanukkah Harry: EIGHT pair, can you believe it?! And Scott, for you, some slacks!
[Scott opens a box with a pair of men’s pants.]
Hanukkah Harry: They’re a little big, but you’ll grow into ’em.Christine: “Gee, Hanukkah Harry, Thanks and everything, but normally Santabrings us toys and fun stuff.
Scott: Fun! Ha! Have I got fun! Christine, for you – a dreidel! And for you, son, some chocolate coins.
[The children are obviously disappointed.]
Christine: Wait a minute, I get it!
Scott: Get what?
Christine: Well you know how we’re always jealous of Rachel and Josh down the block ’cause they always get Hanukkah presents for 8 nights? Well maybe these are the kind of presents they get, so we shouldn’t be jealous!
Scott: You’re right! You’re right!
Christine: And if Hanukkah Harry is helping Santa, maybe that means that Christians and Jews, deep down, are pretty much the same. Maybe that’s the true meaning of Christmas!
[The group is surprised by the sound of sleigh bells and the sound of “Ho!Ho! Ho!” coming from outside.]
Kids: It’s Santa! Santa!
Hanukkah Harry: He must have tried the cottage cheese!”
[Santa slides down the chimney, fit as a fiddle, while the kids shriek andjump in disbelief.]
Santa Claus: Yes Christine, your little speech about the true meaning of Christmas magically cured my flu! Now I can relieve Hanukkah Harry anddeliver all the toys to all the gentile boys and girls!
Santa Claus: (digs through his sack) “Christine, Your not supposed to open this ’til tomorrow.
Hanukkah Harry: Oh COME ON!
Santa Claus: Alright, it’s a Barbie make-me-pretty!
Christine: OH THANK YOU SANTA!
Santa Claus: Scott, this is for you – a pellet gun!
Scott: We love you Santa!
Hanukkah Harry: What am I molded white fish all of a sudden?
Christine: Oh Hanukkah Harry! (kisses him) We love you too! If it wasn’t for you, we wouldn’t have had Christmas at all!
Santa Claus: She’s right, you know!
Hanukkah Harry: Oh Oy, STOP! You’re embarrassing me!
[The Hannukah Harry theme plays as the children play with their toys. Fadeout to see the globe with both Santa’s sleigh and Harry’s cart in flight.The words Merry Christmas ~ Happy Hanukkah are super-imposed on the screen.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 15: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 16th, 1989 Andie MacDowell Tracy Chapman None Tom Davis Christine Zander Joe Franken Tom Schiller Drunk Driving Message
Montage
Andie MacDowell’s Monologue
The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved ChristmasRecurring Characters: Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, Hanukkah Harry. Transcript
Baby Carriers
Church ChatRecurring Characters: Church Lady, Nadia Comaneci, Leona Helmsley.
Tracy Chapman performs “Gimme One Reason”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: A love-starved Mrs. Claus (Victoria Jackson) sings “Santa Please SkipChristmas This Year” and sits on Dennis Miller’s lap. In the final update on the Al Franken Decade, Al Franken passes the torch to his son, Joe, who will now reign over the Joe Franken Decade. Transcript
Hal Jerome Tribute
“Dieter In Space”Recurring Characters: Dieter.
Tracy Chapman performs “All That You Have”
This Is Your Day
Season’s GreetingsSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon) and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) sing “The Little Drummer Boy.” Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withanchorperson Dennis Miller!
[Lengthy cheers and applause for Dennis.]
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,you’re – you’re almost too kind. You know … Whatcan I tell ya?
The embattled East German Communist Party is debatinga name change. They’ve whittled it down to twochoices, either the “Social Democratic Workers Party”or the “Wolverines” and … in either case, though,the mascot will be a wolverine.
[Photo of several rows of tough-looking uniformed men]A convention of dictators was held this week in LasVegas, Nevada. … Shooting broke out when thescheduled performer, Gallagher, was replaced by HowieMandel. …
[Photo of President George Bush and PublishersClearinghouse Sweepstakes spokesman Ed McMahon shakinghands] Ed McMahon knocked on the White House dooryesterday and handed President Bush a check for tenmillion dollars … proving that the contest really ison the level. …
President Bush said this week that while he waslimited in his discussions with Gorbachev at the Maltaconference because of the bizarre weather conditions,they did agree to have a summit sometime next year inthe summer. And Bush said he plans to hold the summitthirty miles north of Los Angeles on the San Andreasfault. …
The White House says that President Bush plans toattend a drug summit in Colombia in February. Hey, yaknow, that’s a press junket I thought I might pass on,huh? [heavy sarcasm] “Oh! An exclusive?! Riding in thepresident’s car through downtown Bogota?! Oh, yeah!Yeah! Gee, sorry! I got a “Back to the Future III”thing at the Waldorf that day.” …
[Photo of military man with giant, curly handlebarmustache] And it was revealed this week that thelatest coup attempt in the Philippines was under theleadership of this man, Generalissimo Dad. …
[Photo of Soviet Premier Gorbachev sitting across adesk from Pope John Paul II] Mikhail Gorbachevrecently was the first Soviet leader to have anaudience with the Pope. He is pictured here in theVatican library just before the pontiff pushed thebutton on the trap door chair. … Afterwards -afterwards, no one laughed harder than the Kremlinchief. …
And, according to reports out of Berlin this week,since the Wall has come down, millions of elderly EastGermans have been complaining about a bit of a draft…. [applause and cheers]
You know, I’m, uh – You know, I’m trepidatious about aunified Germany in much the same way I am about DeanMartin and Jerry Lewis getting back together. … Ihaven’t really enjoyed any of their previouscollaborations and I’m not sure I need to see any oftheir new stuff. …
[Photos of White House unveiling ceremony and aportrait of Ronald Reagan posed with a hand on hisdesk] President Reagan’s official portrait wasunveiled this week at a White House ceremony.Appropriately enough, the portrait depicts theabsent-minded president inadvertently pressing thebutton on his desk and destroying the planet….
Olympic star Nadia Comaneci announced that she plansto live with her married lover, Constantine Panait,the man who helped her escape from Romania last week.Nadia, who won all those gold medals in the ’76Olympics is still in great shape, as you can see here.[photo of Nadia doing a spectacular mid-air backbend]Her boyfriend, Constantine, is now in a south Floridahospital having all the bones in his body removed. …Except THAT one! … [cheers and applause] But that’snot really a bone, is it? … [photo of Nadia stickingher tongue out] Just an amazingly intricate set ofcapillaries … Boy, science blows me away! You know–… [cheers]
Asked if she didn’t – asked if she didn’t think it wasunfair to ask a married man to leave his wife and fourchildren for her, Comaneci said, “So what? It doesn’tmatter.” [Dennis shakes his head and adopts a singsongtone] Nad-i-a! [holds up a sign reading “4.0” andshakes his head sadly] … [cheers and applause]
In Louisiana, Republican state representative DavidDuke, a former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan,announced this week that he will seek the U.S. Senateseat in Louisiana. When Duke was asked if he didn’tfeel his past as a Ku Klux Klan leader would haunt himin his political aspirations forever, he said,”There’s no way people will ever forget that. I guessit’s my cross to burn forever.” …
And now, it’s time for “Dennis Miller’s ChristmasCraft Corner”! … This week, I’ll be showing you howto make that special Christmas wreath project [dumps abag’s worth of Wonder Bread wrappers on the desk infront of him] out of all those old, used Wonder Breadwrappers. … [Bobbing his head enthusiastically as ifhosting a craft show] Now, what you do is, you takeeight or ten Wonder Bread wrappers, like I have here–[Using his arm, Dennis suddenly sweeps the wrappersoff the desk and on to the floor – bluntly] And youget rid of ’em. Ya get a credit card, you go to astore, you buy a wreath. All right? Thank you. …[cheers and applause]
[Photo of elderly comedian George Burns holding a copyof one of his books] And, this morning, George Burnsdisplayed a hardcover book that was removed from hisurinary tract Thursday … in a delicate three-houroperation. … Burns said that he was curious to readthe book that had been formed by the slow action ofchemical processes in his bladder. …
A nasal spray that stops bed-wetting was approved thisweek by the Food and Drug Administration. The FDA hasalso approved plans for a catheter that will cureallergies. …
New York State Lottery officials today unveiled a newLotto card that has an almost fifty percent chance ofwinning two million dollars. Cards will go on salenext month at a million dollars a pop. …
Domino’s Pizza owner Tom Monaghan said yesterday hemay sell the company to his employees. Talks arealready in progress but Monaghan said if the dealisn’t completed in thirty minutes, they can have thewhole company for nothing. …
A sports note. Sugar Ray Leonard defeated RobertoDuran in a unanimous decision Thursday night in LasVegas. Boy, did you see Round Seven? Did you see howmad Duran got when Sugar Ray kicked his walker outfrom underneath of him? … Asked about his futureplans, Duran said he’ll keep his date to fight nextmonth against renowned character actor Hume Cronin.[photo of the elderly Cronin] …
In a last-minute Christmas rush to cash in on themedia hype surrounding “Trump: The Game,” the GruberCorporation has now created “Merv: The Game.” Therules are the same except that, when playing “Merv,”the person who finishes a distant second is thewinner. …
TV Guide came out with a special issue this week ontelevision in the eighties and features a sectioncalled “Twenty Moments that Shaped – and Shook – theDecade.” The number-seventh-rated moment was “LukeWeds Laura” on “General Hospital” and thenumber-twelfth-rated moment was “Diane Leaves Sam” on”Cheers.” And the number-twentieth-rated moment was”The Berlin Wall Opens.” … Maybe those EastBerliners should just turn around and go back, huh?They don’t know what it’s like out here. …
[Photo of two gigantic Japanese sumo wrestlers – inthe background, a ringside observer has a good view ofone wrestler’s backside] You know, I can’t even tellyou what makes these sumo wrestlers tick … but I cantell ya that that man in the background is lookin’ atthe worst thing he’ll ever see in his life. …[cheers and applause] And– There – there are justsome events you don’t want to be ringside at. Youknow– …
Starting in January, Gumbel fans will have theirchoice of morning show Gumbels. Bryant on NBC or bigbrother Greg on CBS. Actually Bryant doesn’t have abrother but a recent ego overflow was enough to makeanother Gumbel. …
Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I – am – out o’here!
[We see a lovely view of the giant Christmas tree atRockefeller Center at night and hear a solemninstrumental version of “Silent Night” — after amoment, gray-haired zillionaire David Rockefellerappears and addresses the camera with his upper classaccent.]
David Rockefeller: Hello. I’m DavidRockefeller. A few weeks ago, my family sold thecontrolling interest in Rockefeller Center to theMitsubishi Corporation of Japan. Since then, there’sbeen a public outcry from people who are distraughtthat we’re selling off our architectural treasures tothe Japanese. It seems there’s a perception that theJapanese are some “evil empire” to be feared anddistrusted. Well, I just want to reassure the Americanpeople that the Rockefeller empire is every bit asevil. … Probably more so!
After all, my grandfather, John D. the First, builtour family fortune on corruption, thievery, blackmail,murder, and the exploitation of common working people.Now, my father may be of interest to those of you inlabor unions. Why, one time, he sent his men down to acamp of striking coal miners and they drove through inan armored car and machine-gunned the whole area,setting it on fire. Now, weren’t you a little quick tojudge those Mitsubishi people? …
Dad hated everyone. And, if he were alive, he’dhate you. … He would! I do! … So,the next time the Japanese buy some institution thatyou hold dear, let’s remember that you shouldn’t bejudged by the color of your skin — but, rather, bythe blackness of your soul. … Good night and merryChristmas and — I’m evil.
[Applause. Fade out on a grinning DavidRockefeller.]
Air Date: