Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 12

89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

House Committee On Dials & Gauges

Ride Operator…..Dana Carvey
Committee Member…..Nora Dunn
Frederick J. Amalgamated…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on carnival, showing the ferris wheel spinning at a normal pace ]

[ cut to Ride Operator manning the speed level for the ferris wheel, his hand moving the lever from Safe Speed to Fast Speed ]

[ ferris wheel begins to spin a little faster, blended in with a close-up of the Ride Operator’s face expressing a sadistic laugh ]

[ Ride Operator’s hand moves the lever from Fast Speed to Dangerous Speed, as the ferris wheel spins out of control and sends passenger’s flying through the air ]

[ newspaper spins into foreground over image of ride Operator laughing sadistically, headline reads: “Ferris Wheel Kills Forty” ]

[ second newspaper spins into the foreground, with the headline: “Congress To Investigate” ]

[ dissolve to exterior shot of the House of Congress ]

[ dissolve to exterior of meeting room in interior hallway, emphasis on sign “House Committee On Dials & Gauges” ]

[ dissolve to interior, meeting room, where Committee Member sits at the bench in front, opposite Frederick J. Amalgamated at the prosecution table away from the bench ]

Committee Member: This meeting of the House Committee On Dials & Gauges is now in session. Will the first wintess please identify himself?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: Frederick J. Amalgamated.

Committee Member: And what do you do?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: I am President of Amalgamated Dials & Gauges.

Committee Member: You manufacture dials and gauges?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: That is correct.

Committee Member: And did your company make this ferris wheel control?

[ staffer holds up the control dial seen earlier in the sketch ]

Frederick J. Amalgamated: [ examining the dial carefully from the distance where he sits ] Uh.. yes.. I believe we did.

Committee Member: Now, sir, let me ask you: Why do you have a Dangerous Speed on the control?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: [ not comprehending the question ] What?

Committee Member: Why is there a level maked “Dangerous”?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well.. you’re not supposed to use that speed.

Committee Member: Then why is it on the gauge? Why even put it there?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well, now that you mention it, I-I-I don’t really know.. uh.. could it beee.. to show you where not to go?

Committee Member: And, for that matter, why would you even have a “Fast” speed on a ferris wheel? I mean, most people do not want to go fast on a ferris wheel, do they?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well, again, that would be a speed, more or less, to avoid. Sort of a.. transition speed between “Safe”.. and “Dangerous”.

Committee Member: Which.. which you wouldn’t use, either?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: Correct.

Committee Member: So, basically, two of the three speeds on the gauge are either dangerous or undesirable.

Frederick J. Amalgamated: [ confused ] So, wha-what is your point?

Committee Member: [ clearly annoyed ] Can you tell us, is there any sort of a safety device to prevent someone from moving the, uh.. the speed on the ferris wheel lever to a dangerous speed?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: No. But can I say something here? Until we can stop the hiring of insane ferris wheel operators, we’re not gonna solve this problem!

Committee Member: [ solemn ] Thank you.. thank you.. [ staffer steps up holding a gauge from a nuclear submarine ] Sir.. do you.. do you make this gauge for use on our nuclear submarines?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: Uh.. yes, I did. That shows depth.

Committee Member: Now, why does it have levels that read “Deep”, “Very Deep”, and “Way, Way Too Deep”, with the words “Submarine Will Explode” in parentheses?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: What do you mean?

Committee Member: We’ve had five nuclear submarines explode in the past year, all because they went too deep, and all equipped with this gauge.

Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well.. this gauge is actually just a meter. It just shows the depth, it doesn’t control it.

Committee Member: But isn’t it true that on at least one occasion, a sailor was able to physically move the indicator to “Way, Way Too Deep”, and the submarine, in fact, went too deep and exploded? [ bangs gavel on her bench ] Now, Mr. Amalgamated.. [ points to thermostat on the wall to her right ] Did you make this.. gauge here, which controls the temperature in this room?

Frederick J. Amalgamated: For the purposes of this sketch.. yes.

Committee Member: Now, why does it have settings that read “Comfortable”, “Too Hot”, and “Will Bake A Person Like A Potato”? Look around you! Look around you, sir! do you see any cannibals in this room? [ Mr. Amalagamated looks around the room in a serious manner, studying the people who are in there with him ] Mr. Amalgamated! Mr. Amalgamated! You can stop looking, that was merely a rhetorical question! [ a beat ] Now, I can either issue you a warning or levy a slight fine. But I’m going to go way, way beyond that.. and order that you be executed in the electric chair!

[ music sting ]

[ dissolve to close-up of electric chair switch, set on “Off”. Hand reaches in and pulls lever downward to “Deadly Voltage”, with the appropriate electrical sound effects heard. Hand then pulls lever downward to “Enough to Power A City”, with more intense electrical sound effects. Hand then moves lever all the way down to “Can Bake A Person Like A Potato”, as the lights begin to flicker with the sound of extreme electrical sound effects. ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 12

89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

Dr. Fulton

Dr. Fulton…..Quincy Jones
Patient…..Phil Hartman

[ Establishing shot of office entrance. Close-up shot of sign: “Wallace R. Fulton – M.D., P.C., Psychiatry.” Inside, a grief-stricken patient sits on the couch, holding a handkerchief and sniffling. Dr. Fulton sits in an armchair with a note pad. ]

Patient: (sniff) I’m, I’m sorry. What was I talking about?

Dr. Fulton: Your ex-wife.

[ A piano slowly begins playing 12-bar F-scale blues along with the patient’s words. ]

Patient: Oh yeah. You rem– you remember I said my ex-wife called last Sunday, to let me know she’s having an affair?

Dr. Fulton: Yes, I remember.

Patient: Well, she called again this Sunday, to make sure I knew she was having an affair.

Dr. Fulton: How does that make you feel?

Patient: Well God knows I hate the woman, but down inside there’s still a piece of me that cares.

Dr. Fulton: So, how are you dealing with it?

[ The piano continues playing into his second “verse”, becoming more prominent as he goes on. ]

Patient: Well, I didn’t go to work on Monday … I watched TV all day in bed.

Dr. Fulton: Is that the way you always react to her calls?

Patient: Well yes, she calls and tells me she’s happy, and … I usually watch TV all day in bed.

Dr. Fulton: Why does her happiness bother you so much?

Patient: Makes me feel like I have nothing … and no one cares if I’m alive or dead.

Dr. Fulton: What about your relationship with Amy?

[ The piano tune reaches its full 6/8 tempo and becomes louder. ]

Patient: Amy’s just like my mother …

[ ba bum ba bum ]

Patient: … my first and second wife …

[ ba bum ba bum ]

Patient: … I seek out desperate women, I have done it all my life!! It’s because I’m unentitled, like, they won’t love me for myself …

Dr. Fulton: Do you see this as a repeating pattern in your behavior?

Patient: (Shrugging it off) Yes, yes, I perpetuate bad relationships by denying all my needs for someone else.

Dr. Fulton: And why do you think you do that?

Patient: (sits up, starts crying to the tempo as he has an epiphany) Oh God …

Dr. Fulton: Go ahead.

Patient: (to the tempo) … Dear God …

Dr. Fulton: Keep on going.

Patient: (to the tempo, now bawling) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-waaaaohh … (plops back on the couch)

[ The piano continues playing throughout the final verse ]

Dr. Fulton: How do you feel?

Patient: I dunno … I know it intellectually, but I can’t learn it emotionally.

Dr. Fulton: Have you tried?

Patient: Yes! No … I don’t know how.

Dr. Fulton: Well, you think about it … and we’ll talk about it … but I’m afraid we’ll have to stop right now.

[ The blues music concludes, as the patient blows his nose. ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 121


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



















Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 10th, 1990

Quincy Jones

Tevin Campbell

Andrae Crouch

Sandra Crouch

Kool Moe Dee

Big Daddy Kane

Melle Mel

Quincy D III

Siedah Garrett

Al Jarreau

Take 6

None

Andy Murphy

Bob Odenkirk
Pumping Up With Hans & FranzSummary: Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon) sing muscle-inspired lyrics to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Transcript

Montage

Quincy Jones’ MonologueSummary: Quincy Jones bypasses a traditional monologue so he can celebrate Nelson Mandela’s release from jail by conducting a performance of “Manteca” by the SNL Band.

Century 21 Marriage Counselors

Driving Miss DaisySummary: When Hoke (Quincy Jones) quits, Miss Daisy (Jan Hooks) takes on a new driver – Toonces the Cat who can drive a car!

Recurring Characters: Toonces the Driving Cat.

Transcript

The Bob Waltman SpecialSummary: Bob Waltman (Kevin Nealon) reduces more celebrities to tears in order to boost ratings, as well as his pwn personal delight.

Recurring Characters: Bob Waltman, Leona Helmsley, Marion Barry, Tammy Faye Baker, Ronald Reagan.

Transcript

Jazz Perspectif

Quincy Jones, Take 6, Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane, Melle Mel, Quincy D III, Siedah Garrett and Al Jarreau perform “Back on the Block”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerTranscript

A Coming Together

Sharing The Swimsuit IssueSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon) and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) share observations while leafing trough the annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.

Transcript

Quincy Jones, Take 6, Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane, Melle Mel, Quincy D III, Siedah Garrett and Al Jarreau perform “We Be Doinit”

Soviet Central CommitteeRecurring Characters: Mikhail Gorbachev.

House Committee on Dials & GaugesSummary: After a crazed ferris wheel operator (Dana Carvey) sets a dial on “Dangerous Speed”, the President of Amalgamated Dials & Gauges, Frederick J. Amalgamated (Kevin Nealon), is called before Congress to explain why he manufactures gauges with dangerous level settings.

Transcript

We Are WorldSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon) and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) sing “We Are the World.”

Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Dr. FultonSummary: Piano verses accentuate a patient’s (Phil Hartman) analysis of his failed relationship during a psychiatric session with Dr. Fulton (Quincy Jones).

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 11

89k: Christopher Walken / Bonnie Raitt

Christopher Walken’s Monologue

…..Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken: Thank you very much. Hello, I’m Christopher Walken, and this is “Saturday Night Live”. Throughout my career, I’ve been accused of being cold, and distant.. even sinister.. often sounding as though I were reading my lines off of cue cards. But if you think I’m scary, you should be standing up here. It’s hard to describe the excitement that I’m feeling at this moment. But I’m sure you can see just how excited I am.. by the expression on my face. Okay, you can’t. So maybe it would be better if I expressed my feelings in another way.

[ singing ]
“I feel like a million dollars
I feel simply out of sight.
Come on down, come on down
I’m throwing a ball tonight

Fill up the ol’ paprika
Load it with dynamite
Come on down, come on down
I’m throwing a ball tonight.

A certain person just brought the news
Wow, it was great!
I’m rehearsing in my dancing shoes
‘Cause now I can celebrate!

I feel like a million dollars
I feel simply out of sight.
Come on down, come on down
I’m throwing a ball tonight.

I invited Michael Jackson
I invited Princess Di
I asked the Queen to make a scene
With Cher, Trump, Bush, Prince, Sting, Liz, Madonna.

I Invited Joanie Collins
And, of course, I asked Jackie O
But, to my surprise, everyone of those guys
RSVP’d no.

I feel like a million dollars
I feel simply out of sight.
Come on down, come on down
I’m throwing a ball tonight.”

[ dance sequence with cast members in tuxedos ]

“I feel like a million dollars
I feel simply out of sight.
Come on down, come on down
Come on down, come on down
I’m throwing a ball tonight.”

That.. should give you.. some idea how excited I am. Bonnie Raitt is here.. so.. stay with us. Be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 11

89k: Christopher Walken / Bonnie Raitt

The Continental

The Continental…..Christopher Walken

Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.

[ a glove reaches for the Continental’s doorbell. The Continental opens the door quietly and grins ]

The Continental: Ah! [ smirks ] You.. were a minute late. And I thought, perhaps, you were just a dream. [ pulls her gloved hand forward and kisses it ] But, no.. you are real. Please. Enter.

[ she cautiously enters the apartment and looks around ]

Broken glass. [ removes cigarette and holder from his mouth ] Champagna? [ she nods ] Please. Be seated. We shall drink from the same glass. Please. [ he sits next to her ] I have but three passions in life. One of which.. is fine champagna.. which leaves two other passions. [ he hands her the champagna and smiles menacingly, so she rejects the offer ] I see you are shy.. which makes you even more intoxicating. [ she gets up to leave, but he blocks her path ] No! Please. Forgive me. Stay.. and allow me to show you that I.. am not like the others. Yes. I know. You have many admirers.. and I am but one.

[ sits next to her again ]

Cigarette? [ purses his lips, then lights two cigarettes in his mouth at once, and hands her one ] Ah, cigarettes. Delicious.. and dangerous. We know they are no good for us.. but we give in.. for the sensual pleasure of the moment. [ she gets up to leave, but he blocks her path again ] No, no! Don’t go! Pay no attention to the idling ramblings of man afflicted with.. dare I say.. no, I dare not. My little wide-eyed, white-tailed doe. [ extends his hand ] Come.. with me. I want to show you something. [ leads her over to his balcony ] Whoops! Watch that step! Look out there.. the twinkling lights twinkling.. in the inky black of night.. like some colossal backdrop.. painted by the hands of Michelangelo. [ walks down the hal and points to a door ] Would you like to see.. the bedroom?

[ she quickly turns around and heads for the door, but he jumps ahead of her in time to block the door ]

No, no, please. Go, if you must go.. but allow me to send for a car.. to take you where you will, or.. to him. [ she lowers her head ] I see that you blush. We will talk of other things. I spoke before of my three great passions. One.. the fine champagna. Another.. the art.. of massage. Yes! I am a fully-trained and licensed masseur. You see my diploma.. from the University of Beijing. I see you are skeptical.. but please.. let me demonstrate for you the powers that can be released by the human hand! Trust me! You needn’t remove your things. You need only lie on your stomach.. here.. on the couch. [ she looks over at it ] Trust me! I am a professional!

[ she lies down on the couch, as he begins to massage her from off-camera ]

Ohhhh.. your muscles are very tight! Fear.. in your shoulders and neck zone. You are at war with yourself, my dear. You must learn to let go! [ he drops to the floor, looking up ather as she lies on the couch ] How’s that! Doesn’t that feel good! [ he gets up and massages some more ] It extends from the base of the skull.. down the spine, all the way down.. here.. to the tip of the.. [ he reaches her private area, so she quickly rises and runs to open the door ] But.. I haven’t called for your car yet! My little sparrow.. must you fly so soon? [ sighs ] Very well. You have made oyur decision.. and you must go.. but please.. just stand here.. as you are for just a moment. Your hair flowing.. your chest.. heaving. Your eyes ablaze.. about to disappear.. like some..

[ too late, she’s already out the door and down the hall ]

Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 20th, 1990

Christopher Walken

Bonnie Raitt

None

Tom Davis
The Tonight ShowSummary: Johnny Carson (Dana Carvey) welcomes Mikhail Gorbachev (Phil Hartman) and Andrew Dice Clay (Jon Lovitz) to the show, as Ed McMahon (Phil Hartman) chimes in through a pre-recorded voice module.

Recurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Mikhail Gorbachev, Andrew Dice Clay.

Montage

Christopher Walken’s MonologueSummary: Keeping a straight, emotionless face, Christopher Walken insists that he’s excited to be hosting “Saturday Night Live,” then sings “Throwin’ A Ball Tonight” and tap dances to prove it.

Also Hosted: 92d, 95j, 99p, 00t, 02m.

Transcript

Colon BlowNote: Repeat from 11/11/89.

Eternity

Girlfriend Dumping ServiceSummary: To end their relationship, Linda Parker’s (Victoria Jackson) boyfriend sends a professional liaison (Christopher Walken) to do his dirty work for him.

Bonnie Raitt performs “Have a Heart”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Annoying Man.

The ContinentalSummary: The suave yet unsophisticated Continental (Christopher Walken) welcomes a woman to his penthouse apartment.

Note: This recurring sketch is based on a short-lived CBS program that aired Saturday nights during the 1952-53 season, and starred Renzo Cesana as The Continental. Its target audience was lonely women who didn’t have dates for the evening; the combination of the subjective camera angles and the Continental’s charm was designed to make these women believe they were being romanced through their TV sets!

Recurring Characters: The Continental.

Transcript

AttitudesSummary: Sports enthusiast Rainbow Head (Christopher Walken) chats with Linda Dano (Nora Dunn) and Dee Kelly (Jan Hooks).

Recurring Characters: Linda Dano, Dee Kelly.

Lease With An Option To KillSummary: Bitter with defeat, Max Zorin (Christopher Walken) supervises the construction of his new top-secret headquarters, which will be the end of agent James Bond (Phil Hartman) once it’s complete. Too bad the smirking Bond has been captured ahead of schedule, and isn’t the least bit impressed by Zorin’s plans.

Recurring Characters: James Bond.

Bonnie Raitt performs “Thing Called Love”

Hardbound

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Wayne’s World

Wayne…..Mike Myers
Garth…..Dana Carvey
Mr. Hemphill…..Ed O’Neill

Wayne & Garth:
“Wayne’s World!!
Wayne’s Word!!
Party Time!!
Excellent!!”

Garth: Al-right! Par-ty! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay. Before we bring out our first guest.. uh, Garth.. what dd you get for Christmas?

Garth: [ excited ] I got a GameBoy.

Wayne: Excellent! What else?

Garth: A Bat-Man poster with Kim Basinger – what a ba-a-a-abe!

Wayne: Shyeah! No guff! [ growls ]

Garth: Oh, yeah – and, uh.. you got me the Nintendo Powr Glove. Thanks, Wayne!

Wayne: Hey, it’s mny pleasure, you’re a bud! Schwing!

Garth: Schwing!

[ they both growl excitedly ]

Garth: So what did you get, Wayne?

Wayne: Oh, I got, uh.. $50 and a pair of jeans.

Garth: Ex-cellent!

Wayne: Shyeah, except the jeabs they got me were flairs.

Garth: Flairs? No way!

Wayne: Way! They’re heinous!

Garth: Inde-ee-eed!

Wayne: Okay! Let’s move on to our new feature, okay? It’s called “Viewer Mail”.

“Viewer Mail!!Viewer Mail!!Party time!!Excellent!!”

Okay! Alright, we get letters, right? And, from time to time, we respond. Right? Uh.. and this letter is from, uh.. Kurt, Jane & austin, from here in Aurora. And he writes: “Dear Wayne: What does Garth think about when Wayne is talking?” Gee.. I really don’t know..

[ the camera pans over to Garth, who appears fidgety at the idea of his thoughts being read by Wayne ]

Wayne V/O: “I wish I was Wayne.. I wish I was Wayne.. I wish I wasn’t such a tool..”

Garth: [ mad at the joke played on him ] Oh, very funny, Wayne! You gimp!

Wayne: Good comeback – sphincter boy! Extreme Close-Up! [ the camera zooms in on Wayne ] Whoa-a-a-a-a!!

Garth: [ the camera zooms in on Garth ] Whoa-a-a-a-a!!

Wayne: [ the camera zooms in on Wayne ] Whoa-a-a-a-a!! [ a beat ] Okay! Alright!

Garth: Ex-cellent! Good Close-Up!

Wayne: Alright, let’s bring out our first guest! You all know him, he’s the Driver’s Ed teacher at Aurora High! Please welcome.. Mr. Hemphill!

[ Mr. Hemphill ambles down the stairs to the basement, as Wayne plays him in ]

“Wayne’s World!!
Wayne’s Word!!
Party Time!!
Excellent!!”

[ Mr. Hemphill takes his seat next to Garth on the couch, hunched over and menacing a he sits ]

Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Mr. Hemphill!

Mr. Hemphill: Thanks, Wayne.

Wayne: Uh.. you know Garth, of course.

Garth: [ nervous and scared ] Hi, Mr. Hemphill..!

Mr. Hemphill: Hello, Garth. How’s the parallel parking coming?

Garth: [ uncomfortable ] Good..! Good..!

Mr. Hemphill: Right to go right; left to go let.

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: You know, Mr. Hemphill – having you on the show is kind of like having a king on the show. So.. welcome, Your Heinous!

[ Wayne and Garth try to hide their laughter, but are not very subtle about it ]

Mr. Hemphill: [ confused ] Pardon me?

Wayne: [ laughing ] I-I said.. “Welcome.. Your Heinous!

[ Wayne and Garth laugh out loud ]

Wayne: Okay, sorry..!

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: Mr. Hemphill, in your opinion, what is the most important thing a young guy should know when he’s just starting out driving? What should he know?

Mr. Hemphill: Well.. he should know that.. driving is a privilege, not a right. A car is really just a means of getting from A to B – not a sort of phallic symbol. It’s power under control. In the wrong hands, a car is a lethal weapon capable of horrendous damage. In many ways a car is a.. pulverizing death monster, with a glass and steel persona. [ the anxiety in his tone spirals more and more out of control ] A vicious.. unforgiving beast, whose lust for blood is matched only by its love of carnage! A killing machine, worthy of its nickname.. The Widowmaker!

Wayne: Bonus. Anything else?

Mr. Hemphill: Just this: Don’t believe in turning signals! Just assume that all the other drivers on the road are lying!

Wayne: Okay.. thanks..

Mr. Hemphill: [ still raving out of control ] Geez! The two-faced bastards! Caught up in a web of lies so tangled, they’d rather hand their mothers over to the Gestapo than tell the truth! c A sea of liars so untrustworthy, they should be slaughtered, like so much human cattle!

Wayne: Bonus! Well, it’s nice to know you’re operating the second brake! Okay.. uh.. two days ago, Garth and I got caught bringing a can of pop into the Driver’s Ed classroom.. even though there’s a big, humongoid sign saying you’re not supposed to, right? So to make up to Mr. Hemphill – and, to ensure that he doesn’t kill us in our sleep – we’re gonna do a Publi Service Announcement about drinking and driving. Okay, Mr. Hemphill, you gotta stay here, okay?

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: Uh.. [ chanting ] “Public Service Announcement! Public Service Announcement! Party time! Excellent!” Okay! [ get started ]

“Don’t Drink & Drive”, by Wayne & Garth. Okay!

[ Wayne and Garth stand behind the couch, Wayne chugging from a prop bottle ]

Wayne: “Oh, wow! Great party! I’m gonna go home now!”

Garth: [ interceding ] “No! Hey, man.. you’re drunk! I’m calling a cab!”

Wayne: [ resisting ] “I’m not drunk! I can drive! I don’t need a cab! Cabs are for sissies!“

Garth: “Shut up! you’re drunk! Shut up, just shut up!“

Wayne: “You shut up! [ climbs on top of the couch, simulating being behind the wheel ] Ka-chunk!” [ starts to “drive” away ]

[ from under the couch, Garth holds up a paper tree, which he moves back and forth to simulate the scenery moving behind Wayne ]

Wayne: [ chugging from the prop bottle ] “Hic! Hic! [ speeds further ] Hey, let’s see what this baby is made of!”

[ Garth moves the paper tree back and forth faster from unde the couch ]

Wayne: “Oh, no! I’m going out of control! [ Garth scatters the movement of the paper tree ] I’m gonna hit that railway ?? [ uses a harmonica to simulate honking his horn ] Oh, no!” [ crashes, lying flat on the back of the couch ]

Garth: “Ka-boom!!“

[ Wayne nods his head, down simulating being passed out on top of the wheel ]Garth: “Oh!!”

[ Garth lifts Wayne’s head, but it falls back on the wheel ]

Garth: “Oh!!”

[ Garth lifts Wayne’s head, but it falls back on the wheel ]

Garth: “Oh!!”

[ they simulate an ambulance arriving to attempt Wayne’s rescue ]

[ using the harmonica, Wayne simulates his heart rate beeping on the heart monitor ]

Garth: “Scalpel..! Sponge..! Oh no, he’s dying! Everybody clear! Ka-chune! [ ] Oh!!”

[ Wayne bounces back to life ]

Garth: “Alright! ] Wayne collapses again ] Ah, he’s dead! He’s dead again!”

Wayne: [ sits up ] “Because of..”

Wayne & Garth: “..drinking and driving!”

[ they stand, miming going down in an elevator behind the couch ]

“Love in an elevator..!”

Wayne: “The end!”

Garth: “The end!”

[ Wayne and Garth return to Mr. Hemphill ]

Wayne: So, Mr. Hemphill.. what did you think?

Mr. Hemphill: I think it’s a shame.

Wayne: A shame?

Mr. Hemphill: Yes. It’s a shame that the drunk driver didn’t suffer a little before he died!

Wayne: Thank you, Your Heinous! Okay! That’s all the time we have for this week! Until then, party on, Garth!

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: [ singing ]
“Wayne’s World!!
Wayne’s Word!!
Party Time!!
Excellent!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Bush-Noriega

Guard…..Tom Davis
Manuel Noriega…..Jon Lovitz
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

[ open on exterior, random prison walls ]

[ SUPER: “Somewhere In Florida” ]

[ dissolve to interior, prison, Cell 205 ]

Guard: Okay, Mr. Noriega.. you got five minutes.

[ Noriega comes out of his cell, and is brought to a sitting area with a glass panel between himself and President George Bush. They each pick up a telephone receiver so they can speak to each other through the glass ]

President George Bush: Uh.. hello, Manuel!

Manuel Noriega: Hello, George!

President George Bush: [ to his bodyguards ] Listen, could you fellas give us a.. couple of minutes here? [ the bodyguards quietly exit the booth ] Thank you! That’s alright! [ turns back to Noriega ] So, how ya’ doing? They treating you well in here?

Manuel Noriega: [ a light sigh ] Better than the Vatican. [ a beat ] So, tell me.. how’s Bar?

President George Bush: Uh.. she’s good, doing good.

Manuel Noriega: Jeb?

President George Bush: Just great, doing great.

Manuel Noriega: Neil?

President George Bush: Oh, he’s fine.

Manuel Noriega: His business okay? ‘Cause I knew he had that rough spot there.

President George Bush: [ his voice shaky ] No-o.. he’s fine.. fine.. He fired that.. that partner of his down there. [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: Oh, yeah – Charles.

President George Bush: Yeah.. yeah..

Manuel Noriega: Uh.. George, Jr.?

President George Bush: Oh, he’s fine.

Manuel Noriega: How’s my little princess?

President George Bush: Oh. Doro? Doing good.. doing good. You know, finally.. finally cut that hair of hers!

Manuel Noriega: Yeah, I know. I.. well, she doesn’t care what I think..

President George Bush: [ cutting to the chase ] Well, Manuel, I don’t have a lot of time, let me get right to the point here, you know? I know I said a lot of nasty things about you, and, well, with sending those troops down there to overthrow you, in that whole canal area. Didn’t wanna do it – but.. had to do it! You know, you.. you kinda forced my hand there..

Manuel Noriega: I know..

President George Bush: ..you kinda brought it on yourself.

Manuel Noriega: I know.. I was reallu out of control, you know? I needed to be reeled in, man! You did me a favor!

President George Bush: Well.. well, that’s all in the past. What we need to be concerned about is the future. [ motions his free hand to illustrate his points ] What, with this trial thing coming up, I think you’ll agree there’s.. there’s no point airing a lot of dirty laundry. Excuse me. [ props the phone between his ear and shoulder, freeing up both hands for a mega-hand gesture ] Wouldn’t be prudent! That’s history.. it’s over! It’s gone! It’s gone!

Manuel Noriega: I know, I know.. ohhh.. still, uh.. we had some good times, huh!

President George Bush: [ laughing ] Yeah, we sure did, we sure did!

Manuel Noriega: All those old days! Remember that time at Bill Casey’s brithday party? Man! You were so ‘faced!

President George Bush: You know, I.. I think that’s the most I ever drank in my life! [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: Hey, hey! Remember this? [ pulls out his scrapbook ]

President George Bush: [ a little embarrassed ] Oh, boy.. not the scrapbook, Manuel..

Manuel Noriega: Nah, look, look, look! [ points to a page ] There’s you.. there’s me.. there’s Donna Rice!

President George Bush: [ laughs ] That’s, uh.. [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: You know, we were some kind of a team, you and me! Boy, with my ideas.. your prudence..

President George Bush: Yeah, yeah, yeah..

Manuel Noriega: I tell you.. in our peak, we could have thrown any government in the hemisphere!

President George Bush: Yeah.. well, anyway.. Manny.. gotta go.. got some things to do.. I’m glad we had a chance to talk here. I’m glad to see you.. understand about the.. dirty laundry thing.. and you understand that a deal is completely out of the question.

Manuel Noriega: I know.. I know.. [ chuckles ] You know, though.. the one thing that bothers me about what happened is that.. well.. wouldn’t you know? Sitting there in jail last week, I came up with my best plan yet!

President George Bush: [ trying to stand firm ] Manny.. I’m not interested.

Manuel Noriega: No, no.. of course not..I-I’m not even sure you’d like this plan. [ slyly ] It would involve eliminating Daniel Oretega.

President George Bush: [ laughing uncomfortably ] I know what you’re trying to do there, Manuel! [ laughs, looks like he’s about to piss his pants ] It’s not gonna work! Not.. gonna.. work – we’re through! You know, I’m the president now.

Manuel Noriega: I know, I know.. Besides, you know, for this.. [ seductively ] ..you would need a min-i-a-ture sub-ma-rine!

President George Bush: [ firm ] Not gonna do it, Maneul! Read my lips: nah.. gah.. dah!

Manuel Noriega: Hey, you’re right, you know? I’ll just destroy this plan. I’d hate to see it flal inot the wrong hands, you know? [ slyly ] ‘Cause it’s a really.. good.. plan!

President George Bush: [ falling into the trap ] Mini.. mini-sub, huh?

Manuel Noriega: [ laughs ] Man, I know. I’ll just eat this plan. It was only three pages.. [ moves the plans close to his mouth ]

President George Bush: Now, hold on there, Manuel, now.. tell me more about this mini-submarine idea.

[ dissolve to exterior, mini-submarine in the water ]

[ SUPER: “Later” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Noriega steering the mini-submarine as Bush pedals a generator made from an exercycle ]

President George Bush: I’d better be back in Washington by tonight!

Manuel Noriega: Will you relax, man?! I’ll have you back by dinner! [ looks into the periscope ] Whoa! There he is! Okay! Now, on my signal..

President George Bush: Alright, check! [ Bush holds up a giant fuse-bomb ]

Manuel Noriega: [ lights the bomb in Bush’s hands ] ..you throw out..

President George Bush: This had better work!

Manuel Noriega: It’ll work! On my signal, you throw it out the porthole!

President George Bush: Open the porthole!

Manuel Noriega: You pedal like crazy!

President George Bush: OPEN THE PORTHOLE!!

[ cut to explosion footage ]

[ dissolve back to close-up of Bush still pedaling the exercycle, now covered in smoke and dust ]

President George Bush: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Ni-i-i-i-ighhttt!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

I Got What You Need

Stash…..Ed O’Neill
Stuffy Lady…..Nora Dunn
Tony…..Kevin Nealon
Sick Man…..Jon Lovitz
Young Man…..Mike Myers
Crabby Lady…..Jan Hooks
Old Man…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, Stash’s shop, as a Stuffy Lady enters ]

Stash: Can I help you, lady?

Stuffy Lady: [ in a thick, stuffy accent ] Yes, you cahn. The recipe I’m using calls for a foot-long salami. Do you have a foot-long salami?

Stash: Have I got a salami? Oh, I got a salami, lady.. and I do believe it’s twelve inches long! Right, Tony?

Tony: [ stops sweeping, smiles ] Maybe bigger!

Stash: That’s what I’m thinking! So, yeah, I got your salami right here! [ points down behind the counter, towards his crotch, then looks up curiously ] Tony, where’s that salami?

Tony: [ looks around ] Oh. It’s hanging right up there, next to the bratwurst.

Stash: Oh! Oh, yeah! [ grabs the salami and wraps it in butcher block paper ] Here you are, lady, here’s a nice salami.. it cost you $5.

Stuffy Lady: Thank you. [ exits shop ]

Tony: [ calls out the door ] I hope it’s the size you need!

[ Sick Man enters the shop ]

Stash: Can I help you, sir?

Sick Man: Well, gee, my throat is so scratchy.. I’ve got this tickle.. Do you have a lozenge or a.. hard candy? I need something to suck on.

Stash: Oh, I got something you can suck on. You can suck on this all day! [ nonchalantly scotts a box of lozenges across the counter ] It’s a 12-hour lozenge, it’s brand new, right off ther market.

Sick Man: Oh, great! Thanks!

Stash: Hey, now don’t fall asleep with it in your mouth.

Sick Man: [ chuckles ] O-kay, I won’t! [ exits shop ]

[ Young Man enters shop ]

Young Man: Excuse me, um.. but I was looking for a gift for my grandmother? I’d kinda like it to be a sort of surprise.

Stash: [ grins ] Oh, I got a surprise for Granny! Yeah, something that will make her eyes pop right out! Right, Tony?

Tony: [ stops sweeping ] You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

Stash: Yeah. [ begins to adjust the apron around his waist ] Something that she hasn’t had in a long time, but I bet she wants some again? [ reaches along the back shelf ] A beautiful.. heart-shaped box of chocolates.

Young Man: Oh, that’s perfect!

Stash: That’ll be $15.

Young Man: Oh, alright.. [ puts his money on the counter ] There you go. Thanks a lot!

Stash: Yeah – be careful, they’re sticky.

[ Young Man exits shop, as Crabby Lady enters ]

Stash: [ approaches Crabby Lady ] Can I help you, lady?

Crabby Lady: No, I’ll find what I need.

Stash: Well, you know, if I can help-

Crabby Lady: [ annoyed ] Look, what do I look – stupid?

Stash: Listen, lady.. you come in here every day, and every day you’re mean and crabby! Do you know what you need?

Crabby Lady: No.. what?

Stash: I’ll tell you what you need. What you need.. is a good.. long.. hot.. [ a beat ] ..bubble bath. That’s what you need.

Crabby Lady: Well.. do you have one you can recommend.

Stash: Well, to be honest with you, I don’t. Tony? Could you recommend a bubble bath?

Tony: [ stops sweeping, stares blankly ] Uhhhh.. Bubble, uh.. King?

Stash: Uh, no.. don’t listen to him – he’s not right. You’d be better off trying Walgreen’s over across the street.

Crabby Lady: [ more annoyed ] Oh, yeah? Well, thanks for nothing! [ storms out ]

Tony: No pleasing some people, hey, Stach?

Stash: Ohhh, I got something that would please her, right here in my pants!

Tony: [ laughs ] Yeah?

Stash: Yeah. [ reaches in his pocket and pulls out a sample ] It’s a buble bath sample, come in the mail.

Tony: [ laughs ]

Old Man: Exc-cuse me.. excuse me..? Do you sell costumes.. fright wigs.. rubber spiders..? Something really scary?

Stash: Hmm.. yeah, I got something really scary. Yeah, it scared the hell out of my wife, first time I dshowed it to her! She said, “You come near me with that thing, I’m divorcing you.” Yeah, I like to call it my one-eyed monster!

Old Man: Well.. w-well.. can you.. c-can you show it to me?

Stash: You sure you want to see it?

Old Man: Well.. s-s-sure, I am..

Stash: Okay. Come here. [ steps behind the counter, reaching down below the front of his pants ] Come on. Look down here, behind the counter.

[ the old man peers over the counter, as Stash pulls up a cyclops man, screaming to scare the old man who’s also screaming ]

Stash: That’s pretty scary, huh? Yeah, it’s a rubber cyclops mask. See, it’s got the eye right there in the middle!

Old Man: [ laughing ] Th-that’s really awful! I love, it!

Stash: Yeah, $30.

Old Man: You got yourself a deal! [ pays his money ]

Stash: Keep it dry.

Old Man: Thanks! [ marvels at his new mask as he exits the shop ]

Stash: Listen, Tony, I think I’m gonna go home for lunch today.

Tony: [ curious ] Oh, yeah? home for lunch, what’s the occasion?

Stash: Well, you know.. the wife hasn’t seen the Ol’ Johnson for quite a while.

Tony: That’s not good. She’s gotta miss him.

Stash: I know. That’s why I invited him over.

Tony: Good idea. Hey, how old is the Ol’ Johnson now?

Stash: Ah, he’s 83. Yeah, the young Johnson, he’s 65.. so he’s really not that young.

Tony: Pretty soon, they’re both gonna be Ol’ Johnsons, huh!

Stash: [ laughs, exits ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Ed O’Neill’s Monologue

…..Ed O’Neill
…..Jan Hooks
…..Dana Carvey
…..Maury Povich

Ed O’Neill: Thank you. Thank you, thank you very much. Now, before I begin.. for those of you who don’t get FOX television in your city, I’m not a contest winner. I’m, uh.. I’m not a retiring cameraman being given a fond send-off, and.. I’m not Robert De Niro preparing for an upcoming role as a shlup. I’m actually a genuine celebrity. My name is Ed O’Neill, and I’m the star of the television show “Married.. With Children”.

[ audience applauds with excitement ]

There’s a special significance to my hosting “Saturday Night Live”, because over the past year, both this show and “Married.. With Children” have come under attack from certain groups for crossing the boundaries of good taste. Now, we both lost some sponsors, we both had some bad press.. but it’s one year later, and “Saturday Night Live”‘s still here.. and “Married.. With Children”‘s still here.. and we’re both gonna be here for a long time to come!

[ audience applauds, as Jan Hooks and Dana Carvey appear next to Ed ]

Jan Hooks: Hi. Excuse me.

Ed O’Neill: Hey. What’s up?

Jan Hooks: Yeah, we were watching wth the cast backstage, you know? We heard what you said, and.. well, we would kinda appreciate it if you would please not, you know.. link oour show with yours?

Dana Carvey: Yeah, ’cause, you know, um.. look, to be honest, I gotta be honest with you here, uh.. we find your show, uh.. incredibly offensive.. um.. I mean, it’s just gross, you know what I mean?

Ed O’Neill: Yeah.

Dana Carvey: Yeah, I, uh.. I saw the last episode, and, uh.. it just really made my stomach turn. So, uh.. so, if you, you know, just leave us out of it, that would be good.

Ed O’Neill: Oh! Okay.

Dana Carvey: You mind? Okay. Great!

Jan Hooks: Otherwise, you’re doing great. Good luck. See you later.

Ed O’Neill: Okay.

Dana Carvey: Okay, take care.

[ Dan and Jan exit the stage ]

Ed O’Neill: That’s Dan Carvey.. Jan Hooks.

[ audience applauds ]

Well, th-there’s another special significance to my hosting “Saturday Night Live”, because.. for the first time, a performer from the FOX network has been invited to host “Saturday Night Live”. FOX has taken some flak.. and we’ve been the brunt of a lot of jokes.. but I think this shows that FOX has arrived and is gonna be here for a long time!

[ audience applauds, as Maury Povich appears next to Ed ]

Maury Povich: Hi, Ed!

Ed O’Neill: Hey, Maury Povich! From “A Current Affair”! How’s Connie?

Maury Povich: Connie’s fine! Fine, Ed. But, uh.. uh.. Ed.. uh.. look. If you could possibly downplay your association with FOX.. we’d really appreciate it. Because, frankly, uh.. Ed.. a lot of us at FOX find the show sickening. It’s sophmoric.. it’s crude.. and it’s.. it’s.. just a lot of third-grade bathroom humor. And-and it’s hardly representative of the quality programming at FOX.

Ed O’Neill: [ nodding his head ] Okay. Okay.

Maury Povich: I mean, we’ve got the guys and the reporters, you know, they’re busting their butts..

Ed O’Neill: Yeah, I know.

Maury Povich: Uh.. the kids at “Jump Street”..

Ed O’Neill: Yeah..

Maury Povich: You know. Of course, I mean myself and the staff at “A Current Affair”.. [ turns for menacing stare at the camera with his arm outstretched, with the sound effect from “A Current Affair” ]

Ed O’Neill: I’m sorry.

Maury Povich: Otherwise.. hey, I think it’s going great!

Ed O’Neill: Thanks. See you later, Maury.

Maury Povich: See you later. [ turns again for a menacing stare at the camera with his arm outstretched, with the sound effect from “A Current Affair”, then exits stage ]

[ audience cheers wildly ]

Ed O’Neill: Okay, well, I guess maybe there’s no significance to me being here, but uh.. Harry Connick, Jr.’s here, and something! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts