Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 15: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 9th, 1989 Robert Wagner Linda Ronstadt & Aaron Neville None Jeff Renaudo Joe Dicso A Message From the President of the United StatesRecurring Characters: President George Bush, Dan Quayle.
Mr. Chairman…..Phil Hartman George Bailey…..Dana Carvey Alan Cranston…..Jon Lovitz Clarence…..Mike Myers
[ SUPER: “It Used To Be A Wonderful Life” ]
[ SUPER: “Starring James Stewart” ]
[ show sign: “You Are Now In Washington, D.C.” ]
[ open on Congressional Hearing ]
Mr. Chairman: This meeting of the House Banking Committee is now in session. Would the next witness please state his name?
George Bailey: Uh.. what’s that, Mr. Chairman? I can’t hear too good out of this ear here..
Mr. Chairman: Your name?
George Bailey: Um.. that’s easy. George Bailey.
Mr. Chairman: And what is your position, Mr. Bailey?
George Bailey: Uh.. right now, I’m sitting up!
Mr. Chairman: No, Mr. Bailey, what is your job?
George Bailey: I’m President of the Bailey Building & Loan Association – in Bedford Falls. A pretty little town. I live there.
Mr. Chairman: Yes, I’m sure it is.. But what concerns this committee is how a small savings and loan could somehow end up costing the taxpayers nearly $2 billion.
George Bailey: Uh.. uh.. Mr. Chairman, I’m not sure what you’re getting at..
Mr. Chairman: Well, according to the bank examiners, Mr. Bailey, your savings and loan is totally insolvent. Where is the money? Where is our $2 billion?
George Bailey: Well, Mr. Chairman, you’re thinking of this thing all wrong! As if the money’s in a safe somewhere. The money’s not here! It’s in vast, unsold real estate projects, sitting out in the middle of the desert! It’s in salaries and bonuses, huge ones for me and my family, for crying out loud! It’s in your swimming pool Bob! It’s in your vacation home, Steve! It’s in your new Ferrari, Bill! The money’s not here, it’s just.. just out there! Federally-insured, to help people like you and me! [ reaches in his pocket ] Now, wh-what do you need? What do you need? Will $50,000 tide the bank over?
Mr. Chairman: [ banging gavel ] Mr. Bailey! Sit down!
George Bailey: Just trying to help.
Mr. Chairman: Mr. Bailey, did you give substantial financial contributions to five U.S. senators to influence bank examiners?
George Bailey: Yes, I did.. I mean, no! No, I didn’t! You’re twisting my words here! Th-that’s what you’re doing – twisting my words!
Mr. Chairman: The Chair calls Senator Alan Cranston. [ Cranston is wheeled forward ] Senator Cranston? Do you know this man?
Alan Cranston: Congressman, I’ve never seen this man before in my life!
George Bailey: Well, that’s a lie! A vicious lie!
Alan Cranston: If I find his books aren’t in order, I’ll swear under oath – misappropriation of funds! Manipulation! Malfeasance! [ George Bailey stands up and exits ] Yuo can run, but you can’t hide in a little town like Washington. [ laughs ]
Mr. Chairman: [ banging gavel ] Order! Order!
[ cut to George Bailey appeoach a bridge, where he stands contemplating life and the desire to jump. Suddenly, Clarence appears. ]
Clarence: Hello, George.
George Bailey: Clarence! Boy, am I glad to see you!
Clarence: I’m glad to see you.
George Bailey: Well, I-i see you’ve finally got your wings. They’re sort of like insect wings..
Clarence: Yes, they’re beetle wings, to be precise. It turns out I was the victim of a cruel joke.
George Bailey: Well, I’m gonna kill myself, Clarence.
Clarence: Oh, don’t do that. It turns out you’ve had a very good life, George Bailey. Especially financially. Would you like to see what it would be like if you’d never lived? It’s a weird, hellish, Fellini-esque world.. much like what you see in the opening montage of “Saturday Night Live”.
George Bailey: Well, l-l-et’s just do that, then. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Rock Clark…..Kevin Nealon Referee Pitman…..John Goodman Audience Member #1…..Dana Carvey Audience Member #2…..Mike Myers Audience Member #3…..Phil Hartman Audience Member #4…..Jim Downey Caller #1…..Jan Hooks Caller #2…..Tom Davis Audience Member #5…..Jon Lovitz
Rock Clark: Hello, everybody, and welcome to another edition of “The Referee Pitman Show”. As always, we’ll be taking questions and talking football with NFL referee Bill Pitman. Ref, welcome.
Referee Pitman: Thanks, Rock.
Rock Clark: Okay, Ref, last week you called the Bills-Oilers game in Houston. Let’s take a look at some highlights.
[ clips are shown of the Ref’s erronous calls ]
Okay, there you are making the call. There’s an offsides.. there’s a defensive holding.. and there’s a too-many-men-on-the-field.
[ return to Ref and Rock in the studio ]
Okay. As you can see, it was an exciting game, and there were some controversial calls. I understand, Ref, that you were hit by a bottle after the game?
Referee Pitman: Well.. yes, I was hit, Rock. It was, uh.. it was actually a jar.. I believe, sort of a pickle jar. Well, inside the jar was a fetus. It was a pig fetus, not a human fetus like the one in Philadelphia.. and fortunately it didn’t shatter, like in Philadelphia.
Rock Clark: Well, you’re a lucky man, Ref. Okay. Well, I know our fans and callers have plenty of questions for you, so let’s get started. [ audience member raises hand ] Yes, sir, you have a question for the Ref?
Audience Member #1: Uh, yeah. It’s great to be here, Ref. Um.. listen, I just wanted to know, um.. are you totally blind, or just legally blind.. uh.. so that, you know, you can make out shapes and degrees of light, you know, that kind of thing?
Referee Pitman: Well, actually.. I have 20/20 vision. I have mentioned this on the show before. I’m not blind, never have been. Thanks for your question.
Audience Member #1: Okay, thank you.
Rock Clark: Okay, next?
Audience Member #2: Uh, yes, I wanted to ask you about last Sunday’s game.
Referee Pitman: Yes. Go ahead.
Audience Member #2: Yeah, I was just wondering, were you watching a different game while you were officiating? Like, on a little mini-TV, or something like that?
Referee Pitman: No, I wasn’t. I was concentrating on the game I was officiating.
Audience Member #2: Oh, wow! You know, because it seemed like your calls were related to a game being played somewhere far away.
Rock Clark: That is interesting. Okay, who’s next? [ audience member raises hand ] Yes?
Audience Member #3: Yeah, uh, hi, great show. I saw the last game, and I just want to know, do you find it helpful to keep your head up your rear end? I mean, why during the game? It seems that during the game you want to have your head, you know, out and in the open air so you can see the plays. I mean, is it comfortable, or is it for the warmth, or what?
Rock Clark: How about it, Ref? Your head inside your rear end?
Referee Pitman: [ thinking ] No. No, nope, never done that. I wouldn’t even know how to go about it, it’s an interesting position, but, uh.. nope.
Rock Clark: Okay, apparently not. But good question. Okay, Ref, let’s look at one of the more controversial plays from Sunday.
[ clips are shown of more of Ref’s erronous calls ]
Here’s the pass to Jeffries, he clearly fumbles to the other team, but the ball is rolled dead and the Oilers keep it. It seems as though you were retarded on that play, Ref.
[ return to Ref and Rock in the studio ]
Referee Pitman: Nnnnnooo.. I’m not retarded, Rock.
Rock Clark: Is there any history in your family of blackouts or hallucinations, or fits of dementia?
Referee Pitman: No. I’m fairly certain there isn’t.. but I could research for you and get back to you.
Rock Clark: Good. Okay. Alright, let’s go back to our audience. [ audience member stands ]
Audience Member #4: Uh, yeah, got a question about the Ref’s brain.
Rock Clark: Yeah?
Audience Member #4: I was just curious – what’s in your head, you know, since there’s no brain? I mean, is it empty, or is it filled with, say, human excrement?
Rock Clark: I think I can handle that one, Ref. The Ref does have a brain, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to conduct this interview right here. That’s how I know. I mean, it’s basic high school biology. So the excrement question is irrelevent.
Audience Member #4: Thank you!
Rock Clark: Okay, let’s take some calls. Hello?
Caller #1: Hi, Ref? Um, when you’re caught and banned from pro football, what do you plan to do for a living?
Referee Pitman: Well, I don’t know what I’d be caught for, but when I retire I plan to spend more time with my children.
Caller #1: Oh. And, um, will you teach them deception and chiconery?
Referee Pitman: Mmmmmm.. nope. Nope, I won’t.
Rock Clark: Okay. Another caller. Next question for the Ref.
Caller #2: Uh.. I’m an optometrist..
Rock Clark: Sorry! We covered that topic earlier! Okay, let’s go back to our audience. [ audience member stands ] Yes, sir.
Audience Member #5: Hi. Great show, Ref. My boy and I were wondering what it’s like for you to have no soul. And, also, what do you use to fill up your body where the soul would be? Now, is that human excrement, or dog excrement?
Referee Pitman: [ chuckles ] I wish I had a dime for every time I was asked that one!
Rock Clark: Okay! Do we have time for one mroe question? Okay, one more question. [ earlier audience member stands again ] You have something else, sir?
Audience Member #3: Yeah, I just wanted to invite Referee Pitman to have sex with himself. Because that’s something, you know, that, as far as I’m concerned, he can go and do.
Rock Clark: Good to know. We’re out of time. Ref, this Sunday you’re doing the Giants-Eagles game?
Referee Pitman: That’s right, Rock.
Rock Clark: Good. And will there be any real refs at this game, in attendance?
Referee Pitman: Yes. Myself, and two others.
Rock Clark: Hard to believe. Okay. ‘Til next week, this is Rock Clark saying, “Referee Pitman sucks!” Good night.
…..John Goodman Roseanne Barr…..Victoria Jackson …..Lorne Michaels …..Nora Dunn …..Phil Hartman …..Jan Hooks Audience Member…..Conan OBrien
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — John Goodman!
John Goodman: Thank you very much, woah Saturday Night Live. I have had an incredible year I made two movies “Sea of Love” [audience cheers] plus “Always” with Richard Dreyfus. Also, five weeks ago, I got married. [audience cheers and applauds]
John Goodman: I took the plunge. My wife is here tonight. Thats my brother next to her, and his girl Jean. Hi, honey. [audience cheers and applauds] We haven’t even had a honeymoon yet. I came right here from the wedding, I have been working on the show all week. Cant wait till one oclock, heard great things about sex. Course the high point of the year has to be working on “Roseanne”. [audience cheers and applauds] Oh, what can I say about Roseanne Arnold, shes a hell of a lady, shes funny, generous, and as a matter of fact, she came here tonight to wish me luck. Shes backstage right now. Roseanne, if you can hear me: I love you, honey.
[cut to Lorne Michaels and Roseanne Barr]
Lorne Michaels: Roseanne, I cant tell what a thrill it is to have a big star like you this close to our studio.
Roseanne Barr: Thanks, its really great to be here and all that crap and everything. (chuckles) So Lorne, arent you supposed to be out there helping John or something?
Lorne Michaels: Oh yeah, he will be fine [turns off TV] would you like some more coffee cake or something?
Roseanne Barr: Sure.
Lorne Michaels: Right over here.
Roseanne Barr: Oh this is really good, I like
[cut back to John at home base]
John Goodman: And if Lorne Michaels ever calls and asks you to host this show — and Im sure he will eventually get to all of you — say yes, because its great. Everybodys made me feel special and important and we’ve been like one big family. You know, you’re always saying the show is like a family, and it really is. Yeah and Im like…
[cut back to Roseanne signing autographs]
Nora Dunn: Take one of me and Jan together please.
Roseanne Barr: I think you are so great, I watch the show all the time and its really good. I love your Donahue its really great.
Jon Lovitz: Hi, Im Jon Lovitz, big fan. Do you have any movies coming out?
Roseanne Barr: Oh, I dont know
Audience Member: Miss Barr Miss Barr, I was in the audience and I heard that you were backstage. Id love to get your autograph.
Roseanne Barr: Oh, Im kind of busy. Like, why dont you just write Roseanne and Id put my initials on it. [laughs]
[cut back to John at home base]
John Goodman: Comfortable, honey? Thanks for coming, we got a great show, sweetheart. k.d. lang & The Reclines are here. [audience applauds] We got her album, remember? [pause] You remember that, dont you? Dont go away, please. We will be right back.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 15: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 2nd, 1989 John Goodman k.d. lang & The Reclines None Lorne Michaels Conan O’Brien Annabeth Hartzog Tom Davis Jim Downey It Used To Be A Wonderful LifeRecurring Characters: Jimmy Stewart. Transcript
Montage
John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: John Goodman may be hosting the show tonight, but members of the cast and the audience are more interested in his co-star, Roseanne Barr (Victoria Jackson), who’s hanging out backstage. Recurring Characters: Roseanne Barr. Note: In the original live broadcast, the pre-taped segment with Goodman’s wife sitting alone in the audience failed to start, causing the monologue to end abruptly without its punchline. Goodman jokes about this during the Goodnights by pretending to hypnotize the live audience by chanting “There was no technical screw-up!” Both segments were replace with their dress rehearsal versions for reruns. Transcript
BeautyBath Recurring Characters: Corazon Aquino. Note: Repeat from 11/14/87.
Wayne’s WorldRecurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar, Officer Wilson.
Cooking with the Anal-Retentive ChefRecurring Characters: Anal-Retentive Gene.
Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A CarRecurring Characters: Toonces the Cat, Lyle Clark, Brenda clark.
k.d. lang & The Reclines performs “Pullin’ Back The Reins”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Voiceovers of George Bush (Dana Carvey) and Mikhail Gorbachev (Phil Hartman) at the Malta summit are played over film clips. Annoying Man (Jon Lovitz) wanders onto the set. Recurring Characters: Annoying Man.
The Mike Ditka Type-A Christmas SpecialRecurring Characters: Mike Ditka, Santa Claus.
Counter Woman…..Nora Dunn Jack Nicholson…..Phil Hartman Bimbo…..Victoria Jackson
[ Jack Nicholson enters the Warner Brothers Payroll Office with two bimbos at his side ]
Counter Woman: Yes, Mr. Nicholson, can I help you?
Jack Nicholson: Yes, I think you can. I believe I have an arrangement with Warner Brothers, whereby I receive 20% of the gross ticket sales for the film “Batman.” The first payment, of which, I’m supposed to collect upon release of the videocassette, which I believe is today.
Counter Woman: That’s correct, Mr. Nicholson. [ grabs envelope ] Yes, I have a check for your “Batman” royalties here – through the 15th – totaling $50 million.
Jack Nicholson: Okay.. I would like $30 million in government bonds, $10 million in Time-Warner stock, $4 million in travelers checks, and the other $6 million in hundreds and twenties.
Counter Woman: [ not amused ] We can’t split your payment that way.
Jack Nicholson: What do you mean you can’t split my payment that way?
Counter Woman: We can’t sell travelers checks – it’s against the rules. I can give you $30 million in the government bonds, $5 million T-bills, and the rest in cash. It’s our Advantage Plan, it comes with a preferred interest rate.
Jack Nicholson: Yeah, I know what it comes with. But that’s not what I want.
Counter Woman: Well – I’ll come back when you’ve made up your mind.
Jack Nicholson: Wait a minute – I have made up my mind! I’d like $30 million in government bonds, $10 million in stock – forget the travelers checks – and the other $4 million I would like in rolls of nickels.
Counter Woman: We don’t sell Time-Warner stock for cash!
Jack Nicholson: What do you mean you don’t sell stock?
Counter Woman: Would you like to talk to the head of the department?
Bimbo: Hey, Mac!
Jack Nicholson: Shut up! You’ve got shares on the market, stock certificates of some kind?
Counter Woman: I don’t make the rules.
Jack Nicholson: Okay, I’ll make this as easy for you as I can. I’d like $30 million in government bonds, and the rest in hundreds, twenties, and nickels.
Counter Woman: A select service plan. Anything else?
Jack Nicholson: Yeah, now all you have to do is take $10 million from my corporate account, convert it into Time-Warner stock, have the corporation sell the stock to me, I approve the transaction, I keep the stock, and you haven’t broken any rules.
Counter Woman: You want me to liquidate your corporate stocks, so you can sell it back to yourself, huh?
Jack Nicholson: I want you to hold it between your knees.
Counter Woman: You see that sign [ points to “No Smartness Or Sarcasm” sign ] I guess y’all have to leave! I don’t have to take your smartness and sarcasm!
Jack Nicholson: You see this sign?! [ sweeps his arm across the counter, busting the floor ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“
Tatsuo Nosaka…..Mike Myers Wacky Father…..Dana Carvey Wacky Mother…..Victoria Jackson Wacky Son…..Jeff Renaudo Wacky Daughter….. Bear….. Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
[Tatsuo sits at desk. behind him are posters of Columbia Pictures films]
Tatsuo Nosaka: Hello, my name is Tatsuo Nosaka, I am new president of Columbia Pictures. I want to take opportunity to tell American people, we understand what you like! We are working hard to make many new films and television shows for you to consume. In fact, we have just finished new situation comedy for American TV audience. It is crazy and out to lunch! It is called “The Nude House Of Wacky People.” Here are some scenes:
[Stock footage of a car wiping out and hurtling down a cliff. Inset circle of Tatsuo narrating]
Here is the father coming home from work with many American hamburgers for the family. He is driving so crazy it makes me laugh! Oh, no! He is crashing so much I have to laugh again! This is too much for me to look at and yet somehow I want to watch more!
[Sitcom living room. The father carries an armload of hamburgers through the front door]
Here is the father again, trying to carry the hamburgers home. Maybe he should carry the car it is so small by now!
[doorbell rings]
Oh, no! How much more insane can it get, I am wondering also.
A bear? How did he get there? There is no time for wondering, because the father is already fighting the bear! Then the bear leaves.
[The bear does indeed stop fighting and walks calmly out the door.]
Whew! Could we please stop now because it is so insane? No, we cannot!
[Wacky mother descends staircase]
Uh-oh, here comes the mother! She is asking the father why the hamburgers smell like a car that has crashed. He tries to think of a falsehood, but he cannot! So he throws fudge at her!
[Father throws a handful of fudge at mother. Bear enters from front door]
Then the bear comes back for more fighting!
[Fight continues]
This is so unusual, I might have to lose my mind! This family is too eccentric!
[Bear calmly leaves again]
I am glad it’s over.
[The two children come down the stairs]
Hey! Here are the children of the wacky family! “Thank you for so many hamburgers,” they say! “Ohhhh,” says the father, “you cannot have hamburgers or candy canes until you do your homework!” “But we have no homework,” say the children. “No homework?” Says the wacky father, “Then you will have to fight the bear!”
[Father opens the door for the Bear, who now fights with all four family members.]
I hope you have enjoyed these scenes from “The Nude House of Wacky People,” Coming in January on CBS! If these pictures have not already convinced you how insane it is, then how about this?
[a green, dollar-sign-festooned show ribbon appears with Ronald Reagan’s face inside]
That is right, it is the Ron Reagan United States presidential seal of approval!
Ronald Reagan: The Nude House Of Wacky People is just the kind of wholesome family entertainment that Japan is known for. Nancy loves it too!
Tatsuo Nosaka: And, don’t forget our other new shows, such as:
[Appropriate title card appears for each show]
“You Can’t Stop Him, He’s Too Insane!”
“Good Hitting Police,”
and, “Who Can Figure Out Such Devices?”
If I am not mistaken, they will all drive you into a gourd! Later, dudes!
Susan: Oh baby, that was amazing, like you know exactly what I need, you know? I’m just crazy about you. [ kisses Lyle ]
Lyle: [ with a lisp ] We’ve got to stop seeing each other, Susan!
Susan: No, but Lyle, it’s so good that we’ve got this great chemistry, baby.
Lyle: I’m a married man, and you’re a married woman. Isn’t yourhusband getting suspicious?
Susan: No, no. [ lights a cigarette ] Tony doesn’t suspect a thing, baby. I swear.
Lyle: How could he not?
Susan: Well, he thinks you’re gay.
Lyle: [ shocked ] What?! That’s insane!
[ Cut to title sequence and theme song ]
Jingle: “He’s Lyle, the Effeminate Heterosexual He’s so terribly conjectual. Why he behaves that way, he’s not gay! He’s just Lyle, he’s swishy yes it’s true But he’s as straight as me, and probably you! The effeminate heterosexual No use getting intellectual Because nobody knows why He runs like a girl, he throws like a girl, Walks like a girl, talks like a girl He’s Lyle and I’ll tell you so help me He’s all guy”
[ fade in to Lyle’s house, Lyle in the living room ]
Lyle: [ calling up the stairs ] Kids, kids! The game’s on in five minutes, Bears vs. the Vikings! I’m not gonna wait for you!
Scott: [ from above ] Okay, Dad!
Lyle: [ strikes a weak pose ] Bears are gonna kick some ass, yay! [ sits down in his chair and takes a weak sip of his drink ] Yum yum, yummy beer! Let’s see what’s on after the game. [ leafs through TV Guide ] Ooh, “Splash”, Darryl Hannah, ouch, that hurts. Love to get some of that fishtail! [ Lyle’s wife suddenly enters the room ] Oh! Oh, my God! [ hides the magazine ]
Lyle’s Wife: Honey, what are you reading?
Lyle: Oh nothing, dear. How was your day? I love you, honey. [ kisses her ]
Lyle’s Wife: Oh, I love you too. It was the same. I’m a little worried about Scott, though. I think he broke up with his girlfriend. He seems a little upset.
Lyle: [ peevishly ] Well, I was wondering why he wasn’t down for the game. I mean it’s only for first place! I’ll just have a little man-to-man with him. That should do it.
Lyle’s Wife: Well, I’ll get you another beer, okay? [ phone rings – she answers it ] Hello? Oh yes, Mr. McGowan, he’s right here. [ to Lyle ] Lyle, it’s Billy’s art teacher, Mr. McGowan. He wants to talk to you.
Lyle: [ gets up and strolls slowly to the phone ] Billy’s taking art? What the hell for?
Lyle’s Wife: Oh, honey! [ hands him the phone ]
Lyle: [ grabs phone ] Hello? Yes? Oh yes I remember, back at theChristmas pageant, right? No, I’m sorry..? Well, that’s very nice that you like me.. Well, I really have no opinion of you. I’m sure you’re a decent fellow, why do you ask? Coffee? Well, why should I want.. What?! Oh, that’s insane! On what basis do you come to that conclusion? Oh, that is the sickest thing! Listen, you queer! If you so much as look at me at the next school function, I will rip your lungs out, do you hear me? [ slams the receiver ] Geez! What kind of world do we live in?
[ Scott comes running down the stairs ]
Scott: Hey Dad.
Lyle: [ stopping him ] Scott, Scott, sit down, let’s have a beer.
Scott: No thanks, Dad. I think I’m gonna go over to Richie’s.
Lyle: Now son, your mother tells me something’s bothering you. Now what’s the matter? Girl problems?
Scott: [ dejectedly ] Yeah.
Lyle: Would you like to tell me about it?
Scott: Well you wouldn’t understand.
Lyle: What do you mean? Come on, I’m not that old!
Scott: Well, it’s not that, it’s just.. I don’t know.. I mean, aren’t you gay?
Lyle: What?! I just don’t believe this! I oughtta kick your ass all across this room! Gay? I am your father, dammit!
Scott: Well a lot of gay men have families, Dad. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Lyle: [ shouts in surprise ] Oh! You go upstairs, you aregrounded! You stay up there until you figure out that I am not gay!
Scott: Okay Dad, I’m sorry. It’s just that.. forget it. [ returns upstairs ]
Lyle: [ still in disbelief ] Oh! My own son. [ doorbell rings – Lyle finds Susan at the door ] Susan!
Susan: Lyle!
Lyle: I told you never to come here!
Susan: I can’t hold it back any longer. I need to talk to your wife and resolve this once and for all. You know you need me as much as I need you baby! You know you do! [ gives Lyle a long kiss ]
Lyle: [ resisting ] No! No, no!
[ Lyle’s wife returns to the room ]
Lyle’s Wife: Honey, who was at the doo.. oh!
Lyle: [ startled ] Oh! [ nervous exchange of glances among the three ] Honey, this is.. [ giggles nervously ] ..this is Susan Simpkins. She’s an old..
Susan: Your husband and I are very much in love.
Lyle’s Wife: What?
Susan: We’ve been having an affair for over a year now. I’m sorry.
Lyle’s Wife: I don’t believe you! My husband would never have an affair!
Lyle: That’s right, honey!
Lyle’s Wife: It’s impossible – he’s gay!
Lyle: [ stunned, faces the camera for a close-up shot ] Whaaaaaat?!!
[ cut to title sequence and theme song ]
Jingle: “He’s asked us to say, he’s straight and not gay He’s Lyle the Effeminate Heterosexual!”
Man: Hmm.. Colon Blow. Sounds delicious. But is it really higher in fiber than my oat bran cereal?
Announcer: Take a guess: How many bowls of your oat bran cereal would it take to equal the fiber content of one bowl of Colon Blow?
Man: Two?
Announcer: Guess again.
Man: Three?
Announcer: A little higher.
Man: Four?
Announcer: Keep trying.
Man: Five?
Announcer: No, you’ll have to do better than that.
Man: Seven?
Announcer: Guess again.
Man: Eight?
Announcer: We’ll give you one more guess.
Man: Nine.
Announcer: Not even close. [ table starts shaking ] It would take over 30,000 bowls. [ a giant pyramid of cereal bowls shoots up from under the man, who yells in terror as it rises ] To eat that much oat bran, you’d have to eat ten bowls a day, every day for eight and a half years.
Man: [ after the pyramid settles; shouts from afar ] Wow! I think I get the picture! Colon Blow must be the highest fiber cereal on the market!
Announcer: Not any more, now that there’s new Super Colon Blow.
Man: Super Colon Blow?
[ pyramid rises even higher with the man screaming ]
Announcer: It would take over two and a half million bowls of your oat bran cereal to equal the fiber content of one bowl of Super Colon Blow.
[ pyramid settles ]
Man: [ overwhelmed ]I’m convinced! [ looks down the pyramid in panic ]
[ cut to close-up of bowl with Colon Blow and Super Colon Blow boxes ]
Jingle: “Colon Blow and you-u-u-u in the morning”
Announcer: Colon Blow and new Super Colon Blow.
Voiceover: Warning: may cause abdominal distention. Consult a physician.
]]>
Air Date:
A Message From the President of the United StatesRecurring Characters: President George Bush, Dan Quayle.
