Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

The Christopher Lowell Show

Christopher Lowell…..Chris Kattan
Helen Gerard…..Ana Gasteyer
Ed Gerard…..John Goodman
Patrick Clifford…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: You’re watching the Discovery Channel.

Christopher Lowell: (in gay voice) I’m ChristopherLowell. Today we’ll teach you how to give your trash afaaabulous makeover. Well, stay tuned. We’ll give youlots of ideas on how on turning trash into treasure…nee-ee! On today’s Christopher Lowell Show!

(theme music plays)

Christopher Lowell: (gruff) Hi… (sissy) everyone!(normal gay voice) I’m Christopher Lowell. Today we’regoing to show you how to turn yesterday’s trashonablesinto unique fashionables! Ah-ah! Mmm. Because there’snothing better than enhancing your home by convertinguseless furniture into conversation pieces! Joining ustoday are the owners of Not Too Shab-by, a designstore just outside of San Diego, California, Ed andHelen Gerarrrd!!!

(Helen and Ed walk on the set. Ed looks just likeChristopher.)

Christopher Lowell: Welcome. Wow! So, how are you guysdoing?

Helen Gerard: Fine, thanks.

Ed Gerard: (in Christopher’s voice) Hi, Christopher.

Christopher Lowell: Hi-iii! So, you two are married,right?

Helen Gerard: Uh-huh.

Ed Gerard: Fourteen years. Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Nee-ee! I know how that feels. NO,I DON’T! Anyway, so, Helen, how did you two getinvolved in interior design?

Helen Gerard: Well, I’m an artist, specializing indecoupage.

Ed Gerard: And I used to work at Crate and Barrel.

Christopher Lowell: (gasps) Me too!

(Christopher and Ed scream)

Ed Gerard: That is super!

Christopher Lowell: Super-superrr!

Ed Gerard: Mmm-mmm!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah! Anyway, focus, focus,focussss. Now, Helen, tell us about your store, NotToo Shab-by.

Helen Gerard: Well, Christopher, we buy old furnitureand knicknacks from garage sales and flea markets, andthen we alter each item into an artistic piece for thehome.

Ed Gerard: Forrr example, this 19th century tea tablefrom China, is made of “muflabi,” which is a tropicalhardwood.

Christopher Lowell: (sarcastic) Hmm, tea for two.Nee-ee!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah! Anyway, we spruced it up for ourhome by box-painting the surfaccce, and then weattached little googly eyes we found at the statefair.

Christopher Lowell: So, it’s kind of like… it’s likea tea table? But, you can show it like a shelf piece,like, hang it up on your bathroom wall.

Ed Gerard: AAAAH!

Helen Gerard: What? What?

Ed Gerard: That’s exactly what we diddddd!

Christopher Lowell: That is so weird!

Ed Gerard: Mmm-mmm, really weirddd.

Christopher Lowell: Now, anyway, in my bedroom, I gotone of those 1940’s vintage telephones that I got at afleeea markettttt. But, to bring out the warmth of mybedroom, I wrapped the phone in this gorgeous Frenchlinen fabric. Ooh.

Ed Gerard: AAH! We covered our toaster in fabric, too!

Christopher Lowell: Please tell me it was chenille!

Ed Gerard: Yesssss!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Mmm-mm!

Helen Gerard: (chuckles) I’m sorry, I just feel likeyou guys are having your own conversation and I don’tfeel like I’m part of it.

(Ed and Christopher stare at her, confused)

Christopher Lowell: Okay… (his beard is coming off)well, then, let’s just bring out our next guest. He’scurrently teaching a course… (beard is still comingoff) I haven’t looked in the mirror all day, so…(talks as beard is coming off) he’s currently teachinga course in interior design at Cal State Northridge.Please welcome, Patrick Clifforddd!

(Patrick Clifford enters. He also looks likeChristopher.)

Christopher Lowell: Patrick, what do you have for ustodayyy?

Patrick Clifford: Well, I took an old, dirty toiletseat that I found in the back of a Dairy Queen, turnedit into a decorative centerpiece by hustling somemacaroni along the border and sprinkling it with someglitter.

Christopher Lowell: (confused) Gorgeous… (beard isstill coming off) Helen, Ed, would you uh, like to addanything?

Helen Gerard: Sure. I just want to say that no matterwhat style you decorate your personal space with, itis important to mix and match.

Patrick Clifford: Mix and match? That’s exactly what Itold my students!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah!

Patrick Clifford: Mmm-mmm!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Mmm-mmm!

Patrick Clifford: Ah-ah!

(Christopher, Ed, and Patrick constantly continuemaking gay noises)

Helen Gerard: Guys, would you guys just STOP IT? Getyour hands out of your mouths! Stop! Jeez!

(theme music starts, gay noises stop)

Christopher Lowell: Ohh! That’s our cue! Hurry back!

(gay noises resume, Helen yells at Christopher, Ed,and Patrick until fade)

submitted by: Downloader12

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

The Bloder Brothers

Wayne Bloder….Chris Parnell
Kip Bloder….Jimmy Fallon
White Cop….John Goodman
Black Cop….Tim Meadows

(Opens with a cop car wailing its siren and pulling over a car to the side of the road at night. Perm haired brothers Kip and Wayne sit beside their car on a guardrail. A big white cop approaches them with a flashlight, his partner, a black cop, is behind him.)

White Cop: You gentlemen know you´re not supposed to get out of your vehicle until we tell ya´?

Wayne: Oh-oh, book us Dan-O!

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Do you want us to get back in?

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Forget it. You boys have any idea why we pulled you over?

Wayne: Don´t worry officer or should I say “occifer”. I´m not as think as you drunk I am.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: That´s right. We only had tee martoonis.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: He´s my designated driver. He drives me to drink.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: I don´t have a drinking problem. I drink, no problem.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: I´m sorry officers. My brother and I are a couple of cutups but I assure you, we´re completely sober.

Black Cop: Yeah, but you guys were 10 miles over the speed limit.

Kip: We were singing some golden oldies and got a little jazzed up.

Wayne: We just got off work. Would you guys like to guess what we do for a living?

Black Cop: Chia pets?

Wayne and Kip: Ooooohhhh!!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!

White Cop: You sell home perm kits?

(Brothers laugh hard)

Wayne: Good guesses, but wrong.

Kip: We caliber thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

(Wayne and Kip bang a rhythm on the guardrail and sing their jingle)

Wayne:(sing) You got 10,000 pounds of beef to be cool…

Kip:(sing) Here my friends is the only rule…

Wayne and Kip:(sing) Call the Bloder Brothers!

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Boy, if there were ever a reason for police brutality, this would be it.

Wayne and Kip: Hi-Yo!(laugh)

White Cop: Ok Bloder brothers, can I see your license and registration?

Wayne: You can see me naked, if you want.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: You can see us both naked, if you want.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: We´ll dance the naked jig, if you want. You got the guns.

Black Cop: (getting angry) Just the license would be fine.

(Wayne gives his wallet to the white cop)

White Cop: You´re Wayne Bloder?

Wayne: Guilty.(giggles)

Kip: I´m the other Bloder, Kip.

(Brothers laugh)

(The Bloder Brothers do robot moves)

Wayne and Kip: (robot voices) And…we…are…the…Bloder…Brothers.

Black Cop: You guys think you´re really funny, don´t you?

Wayne: No, just good looking.

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Book these guys for public nuisance.

(Brothers laugh hard)

Wayne: Ouch! Help! I´ve been wounded.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Officers, I´d like to report an insult.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop: (menacingly) You guys know what a nightstick is?

Wayne and Kip: Oh Boy!! (laugh)

White Cop: All right, stand up for me, Wayne.

Wayne: Oh, you got it. (Stands up)

White Cop: Ok, interlock your fingers behind your head Mr. Bloder.(Wayne complies and the white cop pats him down) Spread your legs.

Wayne: Oh, I didn´t think I was gonna get any tonight.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Hey, aren´t you guys gonna buy him dinner first?

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: Be gentle, I´m a first timer.

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: (slaps the nightstick on his hand) You´re gonna need to shut your mouth, Mr. Bloder.

Wayne and Kip: Za-Zing!!(laugh)

Black Cop: Just shut up and walk a straight line!

Wayne: I´d like to use one of my lifelines if I could.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: And that is his final answer.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop:(angry) Walk a straight line!

(Wayne walks the line)

Wayne: I´ve been striking out with the ladies lately so I´m a little fuzzy on the meaning of “straight”.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: If we strike out one more time, you can call us Sigfried and Roy.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop: Bloder brothers! Zip it! Final Warning!

Wayne and Kip: (quietly) Hi-yo.

White Cop: Mr. Bloder, pull out your arms, touch your nose.

(Wayne touches his nose and starts humming circus music)

Black Cop: Hey!!

Wayne: I didn´t say anything!

White Cop: What is your problem? We´re this close to taking you downtown, throwing you in a holding tank and let me tell you, it ain´t no party, so STOP LAUGHING!!

Wayne: (meekly) A laugh a day keeps the doctor away.

Kip: (meekly) Doctor, doctor, give me the news.

Black Cop: (dead serious) I´m gonna take this nightstick and hit you in the head.

Wayne: (voice breaking) Heads up. Oh, God.(cries)

Kip: (crying) Up, up and away.

(Wayne and Kip laugh and cry at the same time)

White Cop: I can´t believe this. You guys are a mess. Look at you. Laughing and crying at the same time.

Black Cop: Lets just let them go. Can you imagine driving back to the station with these two guys in the backseat?

White Cop: Fine by me. (gives Wayne back his wallet) Word of advice: slow it down, pull it together. (leaves)

Black Cop: (angry) I wish you guys were drunk, it would give me an excuse. (leaves)

Wayne: That was a close one.

Kip: Maybe that guy was right.

Wayne: Right about what?

Kip: I wish we were drunk too.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: Want to go on a 3-day bender?

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: If we do it in the car, it´ll be a fender-bender.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne and Kip: Hi-Yo!

(The Bloder Brothers get back in their car)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

The Office Skank

Joe…..Chris Parnell
Tim…..Tim Meadows
Chris…..Chris Kattan
John…..John Goodman
Temp…..Rachel Dratch

Adele: Hey Fellas, who’s mixin’ up the testosterone? Cause believe me, I could use a shot, or three!

Joe: [annoyed] Hi Adele. Is that a tube top you’re wearing?

Adele: Good eye. Just a little elastic basket to hold my peaches. Would you like some nectar, Hector?

Joe: You know my name is Joe.

Adele: Mmm, I could use me a cup of joe right now. And by joe, I mean a cup of your man milk. I’m talkin’ about your semen!

Joe: Yeah I got it Adele; man milk could only mean one thing.

Adele: Yeah? Well this boy’s got one thing in his pants that’d Id like to wrap my sweaty little mitts around. I’m talking about putting my hands on you penis.

Tim: Yes, and again there’s no confusion there. Adele, we got it thanks.

Adele: Well speaking of getting it, I’m going to head over to the old icebox and get my oyster platter. [Walks away] What cha’ looking at fellas, it is broke? Well whoever wants to fix it can use his wrench. And by wrench I mean that wrinkly thing you urinate out of or have sex with.

Chris: We know what you’re talking about, all right?! Just keep walking!

[John enters]

John: Hey guys, nice job on that Anderson report. [Sees Adele] Oh my God! Hi Adele, you drop something?

Adele: Huh? Well now that you’re around I’m hoping to drop something. I was talking about my panties. You see I would have to take them off for you see my naked genitalia.

John: Yeah I got it Adele, now please just let me get my lunch, eat it and then toss it up.

Adele: You know what you could toss mine with?

John: What?

Adele: Dem’ meatballs you’re hiding in those kakis. I’m talking about your testicles.

John: Thanks Adele. I’m going to tell you something; you are very bad at innuendo.

Adele: Oh really? Well I want you bad in my end-o. I’m talking you nailing my butt!

John: Duh, OK is that what you meant? I had no idea. You know, sexual harassment goes both ways.

Adele: Oh I go both ways baby! Sure, is this what your talking about? Cause this is what I’m talking about.

Temp: [surprised] I’m just a temp!

Adele: Oh yea we could make our sandwich, with us as the bun and you as the hot dog. And by hot dog, I mean that dirty, man-meat; dangling betwix’d your legs.

John: Yeah. Adele, again there was no question about to what your were referring to. This is what I’ve been trying to tell you, you’re very, very unprofessional.

Adele: Unprofessional? Well maybe I should get professional and make you pay me to rub your boner. And by boner, I mean hard pee-pee.

John: By pee-pee, are you referring to urine or the actual member itself?

Adele: Ha-ha that’s a good question. I’ll have to get back to you on that. If anyone needs me I’ll be in my office. [Starts to leave and stops] Ooo, and by office, I mean that room down the hall with the waterbed and the KY. Why? Oh you’ll see! You’ll see!

[End Scene]

Submitted by: Bree-Marie

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 6th, 2000

John Goodman

Neil Young

None

Kevin Brennan
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: Celebrity EditionSummary: Celebrities vie for the million dollar grand prize.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Emeril Lagasse, Kathie Lee Gifford, Rosie O’Donnell, Lance Bass.

Transcript

Montage

John Goodman’s Monologue

Platinum Mach 14Summary: The 14-bladed razor gives the closest shave since 1975’s revolutionary Triple-Trac.

Wanna Be a VJ 3Recurring Characters: Carson Daly.

The Office SkankSummary: Adele (Cheri Oteri), the office skank, flirts with her co-workers in the break room and drops sexual innuendos.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel explores the life of a catchphrase.

The Christopher Lowell ShowSummary: Christopher Lowell (Chris Kattan) and his fey panel of experts give foppish decorating tips.

Transcript

Neil Young performs “Razor Love”

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Rock & Roll Paradise

The Bloder BrothersSummary: Bloder brothers Kip (Jimmy Fallon) and Wayne (Chris Parnell) are pulled over for a DUI.

Recurring Characters: Kip Bloder, Wayne Bloder.

Transcript

Neil Young performs “Silver & Gold”

Tek-CoSummary: THe appliance pirates use to test the validity of gold coins.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Yoga Class

Travis…..Tobey Maguire
Star Student…..Will Ferrell
Female Student #1…..Molly Shannon
Male Student #1…..Chris Parnell
Male Student #2…..Chris Kattan
Male Student #3…..Tim Meadows
Female Student #2…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on exterior, Glendale Fitness Center ]

[ dissolve to interior, classroom, as Travis enters ]

Travis: Good evening, everybody. I’m Travis. and I’ll be leading today’s class. We’re going to start in a comfortable position. Remember: concentrate on our breathing. Breath deep. Now.. exhale, while reaching your hands toward the sky, palms touching.. letting go all the tension you’re holding, releasing it from your body. Good.. good.. Now.. legs out in front of you, as we go into the Forward Plow Pose. Hands reached for the feet.. try to touch your elbows to the ground. [ the class deepen their breaths as they stretch ] Ah.. that’s it! Reach! Feel the spine elongate, your breath deepens, the mind is qui-et!

Star Student: Never been this close..! Almost..!

Travis: Now.. slowly.. roll yourself.. back up.. feel.. each vertical lift..

[ full shot of room reveals a student with his legs stretched, his head tucked neatly in his pants as he administers the act of self-fellacio. His moans are audible, and cause the other students to turn to him for an explanation. ]

[ reactions from the other students in the class reveal their fright and disgust ]

Female Student #1: Oh! Oh, my God! Gross!! What is that guy doing?! Gro-o-o-o-o-osss!!

Male Student #1: [ suddenly impressed ] Look at him – he’s limber!

Star Student: Ohhhh, yeahh!!

Male Student #2: I didn’t think that was possible..

Male Student #3: You know, I read in Maxim that it wasn’t.

Travis: Excuse me, sir?

Star Student: [ underneath his pants ] Ohhhhhhh… ahhhhhhh..!

Travis: Sir? Could you please stop doing that..?

Star Student: [ stops moaning, but doesn’t remove his head from his pants ] Are you talking to me?

Travis: Yes, sir. Yes.

Star Student: Ah. [ pulls his head up from out of his pants ] Look.. I’ve done yoga every day for three yrars now.. and I’ve finally reached my goal. So, uh.. I’m gonna enjoy this. You just go on.

Travis: Sir! I admit your.. “flexibility” is impressive, but you’re distracting the class. Could you please go somewhere else and do that?

Star Student: I would.. but I’m scared if I get up I won’t be able to get back down in this position.. so, uh.. just keep going, I’ll catch up with the class later.

Travis: [ sighs ] Well.. fine. Put him out of your mind.

Star Student: Ohhhhhh.. whooooooo… damn!

Travis: Well.. just ignore him. Let’s move on to a new pose – the Downward Facing Dog. Tailbones toward the sky – stretch your hamstrings..

Star Student: Ohh..! I’ve waited three long years for this, my friend! Whoo!

[ the students begin to look at the other student with more interest than the activities of the classroom ]

Travis: Come on.. we’re moving on to Downward Facing Dog! Let’s go! Get in position!

Male Student #3: Forget the Down Dog – I want to know how to do this!

Star Student: This is for me!

Male Student #1: Yeah, yeah.. what’s that pose called again?

Star Student: Forward Plow!

Male Student #2: Yeah, teach us that!

Star Student: Oh, yeahhh, baby.. nobody else..! Ow!!

Travis: [ annoyed ] You know, if that’s why you want to learn yoga, then you’re doing it for the wrong reason!

Male Student #3: Okay, then, we’re doing it for the wrong reason.

Male Student #1: Yeah, we’re bad people. Now, just show us the pose, Yogi!

Travis: [ between clenched teeth ] The point of yoga.. is to calm the mind.. and find your.. nirvana.

Star Student: I found my nirvana!

Travis: [ now fully aggravated ] Okay! You can forget it! I’m not going to teach you that!

Male Student #2: What a gyp!

Male Student #3: Yeah.. he can’t teach us, ’cause he can’t do it!

Travis: [ weakly ] Oh, I-I-I could.. but I don’t want to do that to myself.. I’m not gay..

Star Student: [ taking offense, lifts his head out of his pants ] Hey! You masturbate with your own hand, don’t you? Does that make you gay? No! [ returns to his pants ]

Male Student #3: That’s good logic.

Male Student #1: He’s got a point.

Male Student #2: I have to agree with him.

Star Student: Mmmm..! Yeahhhhh! This is all for me! Whooooo!!

Male Student #3: [ to Travis ] You know.. you-you’re just jealous ’cause you can’t do it.

Travis: [ offended ] Oh, I-I-I could do that if I-I wanted to..

Male Student #1: Prove it!

Male Student #3: Prove it!

Male Student #2: Yeah , prove it! Come on!

Female Student #1: Show ’em, Travis.. come on.

[ Travis stretches his legs and attempts to lean toward his crotch, but can’t seem to make the distance ]

Male Student #3: He can’t do it!

Travis: Oh, I-I-I could do it.. I just have to be drunk.

Male Student #3: [ laughs ] Yeah, sure!

Travis: No. you know what? I don’t need this! Class is cancelled! I’m leaving! [ exits room ]

Female Student #1: I’m leaving, too. This is so ridiculous.. [ exits room ]

[ the other students crowd around the Star Student ]

Male Student #1: So, uh.. every day for three years, huh? Th-that’s all it takes..?

Star Student: Uh-huh.. whoo..!

Male Student #3: Hey, uh.. buddy, do you think you could teach us?

Male Student #1: Yeah, yeah! That would be great!

Female Student #2: C-could you teach a girl to do that?

Star Student: Maybe. Look.. I’ve waited three years for this, so, uh.. if you guys could just.. leave me alone, give me some time, I.. promise I will.. teach the class tomorrow.

[ the other students chant “Cool! Excellent!” as they exit the classroom ]

Travis: He’ll get bored of it, eventually..

[ dissolve to exterior, Glendale Fitness Center, SUPER: “Three years later” ]

[ dissolve to interior, classroom, as Japanese fitness members enter the room to find the Star Student still sucking away at himself ]

[ Star Student lifts his head out of his pants, revealing a long white beard and scraggly hair – he has aged quite a bit ]

Star Student: Could you just give me a couple more minutes? Thanks. [ returns underneath his pants ] Oh-ho-ho! Where were we..?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Westlink

Announcer…..Chris Parnell

[ open on image of a hangglider soaring past a mountaintop ]

Announcer: Life.. is all about finding greatness. And riding its edges.

[ add company logo to corner of the scene ]

Announcer: That’s Westlink.

[ dissolve to Japanese children walking with parasols from futuristic-looking house ]

Announcer: We know the future can be something traditional.

[ dissolve to rocket lifting into the solar system ]

Announcer: And something wonderfully new. Westlink.

[ dissolve to elderly man walking with pick-axe swung over his shoulder ]

Announcer: Because our fathers worked hard.. and we owe it to them.

[ dissolve to little girl sitting on a log holding a globe ]

Announcer: And our children’s dreams are the greatest treasure imaginable.

[ dissolve to close-up of a pizza with the works being sliced in half by a cutter ]

Announcer: Westlink. Generations of insight and ingenuity.

[ dissolve to profile of the Sphinx, followed by a tight shot of a city landscape ]

Announcer: Finding a way to make the extraordinary commonplace.

[ dissolve to silhouette of mom and dad lifting up their young child, with company logo in corner of the screen ]

Announcer: Westlink. Even we don’t know what we do.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Inside The Actor’s Studio

James Lipton…..Will Ferrell
Dustin Diamond…..Tobey Maguire

James Lipton: In going through the list of great characters… few come to mind. Blanche Dubois, from “Streetcar Named Desire”.. Willy Loman, from “Death of a Salesman”.. and, of course.. Screech, from “Saved By The Bell”. That actor is with us today. Please join me in welcoming.. Mr. Dustin Diamond.

[ Dustin Diamond enters the set, grimacing like a buffoon ]

James Lipton: The character.. the character of Screech. Where did he come from?

Dustin Diamond: A place inside me! There’s a Screech inside all of us, but.. mostly, it’s a funny voice!

James Lipton: In 1992.. a made-for-television film came out that changed the face of American cinema. That film, of course, is “Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style”. If you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor and see the greatest film EVER! In the history.. of the world. In that piece.. you were kidnapped by the Pupuku clan. How did you prepare for that?

Dustin Diamond: Well, I’d like to say that I studied a lot for that part – you know, reading stuff on Hawaii – but.. we just had fun. I do this thing in my head, I.. pretend to put on a funny hat.. and then I just get crazy!! [ laughs like a moron ]

James Lipton: In that picture.. Kelly’s grandfather invites the entire gang to Hawaii for summer holiday.

Dustin Diamond: Yes! The thing about that-

James Lipton: [ interrupting ] They expect a marvelous time at the beach, sans Mr. Belding. They arrive.. and discover Mr. Bedling is there as well, don’t they?

Dustin Diamond: Yes! Yes, he is! [ cracking up ] They didn’t think he was gonna be there, but he is! That’s the ,b>twist part! [ laughs ]

James Lipton: You.. are a delight! [ breaks into a boisterous guffaw ]

Dustin Diamond: Thank you! [ with nothing else to do, joins Liptin in his boistorous guffaw ]

James Lipton: [ finally ] In 1993, Dustin leaves the “DSaved By The Bell” series, to stretch his acting chops, if you will.. and, in 1994, he found a role that suited him. That of an administrative assistant to a high school principal.. in “Saved By The Bell: The New Class”. If you want to see an actor practice his craft at the highest level.. you need look no further than “Saved By The Bell: The New Class” – it’s marvelous!

Dustin Diamond: When I thought.. that I was fone with the role of Screech, I swore I would never do it again – then.. I read the script. I wept openly on the flight to Philadelphia! You don’t come across writing like that every day!

James Lipton: Indeed, you don’t. Of course, we will conclude our.. evening.. with a questionnaire.. invented by the great Bernard Pivot.

Dustin Diamond: Oh, boy! Ha ha ha!

James Lipton: What is your favorite word?

Dustin Diamond: Oh, uh.. [ thinking ] Pancake!

James Lipton: What turns you off?

Dustin Diamond: When.. someone throws garbage or feces at you?

James Lipton: What sound, or noise, do you love?

Dustin Diamond: To be honest.. applause.

[ the audience erupts into forced applause, much to Dustin’s bemused delight ]

James Lipton: I think we all like that. What is your favorite curse word?

Dustin Diamond: Hmm.. “frosted nuts”! [ giggles coquettishly ]

James Lipton: [ laughs uproariously with Dustin ] Nicely done! And, finally.. if Heaven exists.. what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?

Dustin Diamond: “Up here.. you’d be playing the role of Zack!“

James Lipton: [ clapping ] Dustin Diamond.. on behalf of The Actor’s Studio, and the student before, I thank you.

Dustin Diamond: Thank you!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tobey Maguire: 04/15/00: Burger Castle

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Burger Castle

Nadeen…..Cheri Oteri
Curtis……..Tobey Maguire
Male Customer #1….Jimmy Fallon
Male Customer #2….Horatio Sanz
Male Customer #3….Tim Meadows
Female Customer #1….Rachel Dratch
Female Customer #2…..Ana Gasteyer

Nadeen: Welcome to Burger Castle. How can I help ya today?

Male Customer #1: I’ll have a bacon cheddar royal, and please please don’t forget the ketchup.

Nadeen: Just simmah down now.

Male Customer #1: Excuse me?

Nadeen: Simmah down now. And your Cat soup is on yonder condiment counter over there.

Male Customer #1: Cat soup? Where are you from?

Nadeen: Well, I’m gonna be from the state of Hell if you don’t simmah down now. Now simmah down!

Male Customer #1: I don’t know what that means, I’m just gonna ask you to super size it.

Nadeen: Sir, you are not at MACDonalds and if you were I would tell you to MC-Simmah Down now!

Male Customer #1: You just lost a sale. Or I’m gonna take my $1.49 over to Wendy’s!

Nadeen: Fine, you tell David Thomas he better simmah down now too! Woo, I’ll tell ya. Who next?

Male Customer #2: That’s me.

Nadeen: Oh.

Male Customer #2: I’ll have a, large cheese-Laroy, and some Jester fries and a diet coke.

Nadeen: Alright slow it down now, slow it down.

Male Customer #2: Hot moat apple pie, and a Prince Sundae.

Nadeen: Alright, slow it down now, simmah down now, ya like Orson Welles now.

Male Customer #2: Hey! What the hell? I don’t need this.

Nadeen: You’re gonna need a triple bypass now. Now simmah down.

Male Customer #2: Alright what the hell?

Nadeen: (Imitates a car that won’t start) Simmmmmm (shakes head)…simmmmmmm (shakes head) Simmmmmmah down now! Simmah down now! Simmah down!

Male Customer #2: What is wrong with you?

Nadeen: You better simmah down and get before I take a switch to you now simmah and get! Man! Who dat next?

(A male/female couple approach)

Male Customer #3: Hi, we’re really in a hurry, ok? So we’d like, uh 2 Sir Fish A-lots…

Nadeen: Ohh…2 Simmahs…

Female Customer #1: Yeah, 2 orders of Jester fries…

Nadeen: 2 orders of Down…

Male Customer #3: And 2 vanilla shakes…

Nadeen: And 2 large nows…making your total…Oh, look at this…Simmah down now! Simmah down!

Male Customer #3: What?! We won’t simmer down now.

Nadeen: Pipe down now?

Male Customer #3: No, we won’t pipe down now either. But we will see your manager.

Nadeen: Alright, Curtis, need ya up front now, ya hear? Curtis, up front, ya hear? Come on.

Curtis: Welcome to Burger Castle, is there a problem here?

Female Customer #1: Yeah, uh, this woman is being very rude.

Nadeen: Nadeen!

Male Customer #3: Yeah, ok, Nadeen here is giving us a hard time.

Nadeen: He like, he come in and he go, “Oh, we are in a hurry.” Like that.

Curtis: Hmm, well I, I think I understand your predicament sir, and on behalf of Burger Castle Corporation, I’d like to invite you, and your lady friend to simmah down now!

Male Customer #3: What?!

Curtis: Hmm, perhap I can put it to you more clearly: First and 10 “simmah” take the snap drop back find “down” in the end zone for a touchdown. “Now” I come on and kick the extra point. Simmah to down followed by now, and it’s Simmah down now!

Male Customer #3: That’s ridiculous! That’s it, come on honey, let’s go get us some Whoppers!

Nadeen: Yeah have it your way at the Burger King! They in a hurry!(woman approaches)

Female Customer #2: Hi, um, I just bought a Kiddy Castle Meal for my son and there isn’t a prize in it.

Nadeen: Oh, so you would like an “extra” Road to El Dorado figurine?

Female Customer #2: No, I don’t want an extra figurine; I want the one that wasn’t in the Kiddy Castle Meal I bought.

Nadeen: Ma’am, it’s called a “Castle Meal”, not a “Hassle Meal”, ya best simmah!

Female Customer #2: Simmah? How bout I simmah to your manager?

Nadeen: Fine, Curtis? Up here again ya hear? Up again hear? Come on!

Curtis: Yeah?

Nadeen: Curtis…

Curtis: How can I help ya Ma’am?

Female Customer #2: Uh, you can start by firing her.

Curtis: Ma’am, (holds up Donna Summer record) who is this Queen of Disco?

Female Customer #2: Donna Summer?

Nadeen: Now how do her name appear in the phone book?

Female Customer #2: Summer Donna?

Nadeen: Stretch it out now, stretch it out!

Female Customer #2: Summer, summer don-na..

Curtis: Loud and clear now.

Female Customer #2: Summer don-na.

Nadeen: Keep going.

Female Customer #2: Summer don-na!

Curtis: Summer Donna that’s right simmah down now! That’s it! Now get! Get before I take a whippin to you! Come on now simmah down now!

(Screaming until the lady and her son leave the place)

(Fade to black)

Submitted by: Mia

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

The Studio 8-H Rules

…..Darrell Hammond
…..Tobey Maguire
…..Chris Parnell
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Cheri Oteri
…..Tim Meadows
…..Lorne Michaels

Darrell Hammond: What’s it like being in movies, Tobey?

Tobey Maguire: Oh, it’s fun, Darrell. You meet a lot of nice people, and you get to stay in a trailer..

Darrell Hammond: Ohhhh.. someday I’m gonna be in a movie!

Tobey Maguire: Well, I’m sure you will.

Chris Parnell: Tobey? Do you think Lorne will make a movie out of my Tom Brokaw impression?

Tobey Maguire: Uh.. maybe. [ Darrell and Chris get excited ] Go to sleep, guys, it’s late.

Chris Kattan: [ sitting inside a plastic bubble, wheezing ] Tobey?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah, Chris, what do you need?

Chris Kattan: Tobey, will you read to me?

Tobey: Yeah, sure. What do you want me to read?

Chris Kattan: US Weekly.. will you see if I’m in there..?

Tobey Maguire: Okay.. uh.. “Lauren Holly and her beau, Con Air screenwriter Scott Rosenburg, flew to Vegas last week for the Show West awards..”

Tracy Morgan: Yo, yo yo Tobey.. Wait a minute. You can read?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah, of course.

Tracy Morgan: Well, come over here for a minute.

Tobey Maguire: Okay.

Tracy Morgan: Would you do us a solid, and read this for us? [ points to sign ]

Tobey Maguire: Oh.. these are the studio rules.

Cheri Oteri: Yeah, yeah.. what do they say?

Tobey Maguire: Uh, well, it says.. Studio 8H Rules. Number One: No smoking in the studio. [ Cheri takes the cigarette out of her mouth ] Number Two: No sketches longer than three minutes.

Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] Okay, that’s good..

Tobey Maguire: Number Three: Stay out of Joe Piscopo’s dressing room. He is a giant star, and must be treated as such.

Cheri Oteri: Okay, that’s an old one. I don’t think that applies any more.

Tobey Maguire: Number Four: All sketches must have a big funny ending.

Cheri Oteri: Now you see, that’s harder than it sounds..

Tracy Morgan: Man, these rules were made by people who don’t know anything about us.

Cheri Oteri: Right?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah. Life’s like that sometimes.

Lorne Michaels: Alright, lights out, everyone. Say your prayers. Jimmy Fallon has left us, he’s gone to “Ally McBeal” to play the new hotshot attorney. Be happy for Jimmy.

Everyone: Good night, Jimmy..

Lorne Michaels: Good night, you princes of NBC, you kings of late night.

Everyone: Good night, Lorne.

[ Lorne exits ]

Tobey Maguire: Well, good night, you guys.

Everyone: Good night, Tobey!

[ Tobey exits ]

Chris Kattan: Why does Lorne say that to us every night?

Tim Meadows: To manipulate us into signing long contracts for lower amounts of money.

Chris Kattan: Oh.. (wheezing) when are the Emmy’s?

Tim Meadows: It doesn’t matter, go to sleep.

[ cut to Tobey entering Lorne’s office ]

Tobey Maguire: Lorne.. [ sees Lorne sniffing ether ] oh.. sorry.

Lorne Michaels: Oh.. [ lowers the ether ] ..come in. I’m just sniffing ether.

Tobey Maguire: I just wanted to say thanks for having me.

Lorne Michaels: I think you’re gonna do a great show tomorrow night, Tobey.

Tobey Maguire: Uh, Lorne.. the show’s tonight.

Lorne Michaels: Ah.. I’ve gotta cool it with the ether.. [ holds it up to his nose again ]

Tobey Maguire: Good night, you prince of sketch comedy, you king of.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Tobey Maguire’s Monologue

…..Tobey Maguire
Keith…..Adam McKay

Tobey Maguire: It’s great to be here! It’s great to be here in New York! I was so excited that they ask me to host the show, because it gives me a chnce to do a lot of different characters-

Keith: [ interrupting from the center of the audience ] Hey, Tobey, man! “Show me the money!”

[ audience erupts into applause ]

Tobey Maguire: Alright. Alright! As I was saying.. in a movie, you play one character, and you’re-

Keith: [ interrupting again ] “Show me the money”, Tobes!

Tobey Maguire: Why do you keep saying that?

Keith: Come on, man, because you were in that movie, uh.. “Tobey Maguire”? And you kept yellin’ “Show me the money!” It was awesome!

Tobey Maguire: Uh.. the movie was called “Jerry Maguire”.. and I wasn’t in it.

Keith: Oh, yeah you were, man! you were in that, and Tom Cruise was your agent.. and you would yell “Show me the money!” That was awesome!

Tobey Maguire: Well, that was Cuba gooding, Jr. That wasn’t me.

Keith: [ the information hitting him hard ] Really?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah. Really.

Keith: [ to the audience ] Sorry, everyone! My bad!

Tobey Maguire: [ getting back to his point ] Now, uh.. what was I saying? Uh.. I was talking getting the opportunity to play all different types of characters.. so, I can-

Keith: [ interrupting yet again ] Hey! Hey, hey! Hey, Ace! Hey! Fine.. you weren’t in “Jerry Maguire”, but what movies were you in, huh?

Tobey Maguire: [ clears throat ] I was in, uh.. “The Cider house Rules”.

Keith: [ happily recognizes the title ] Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Cider House rules, man! That is the best frat around! Cider house rules!!

Tobey Maguire: [ shaking head ] Nope. It’s not.. it’s not that kind of rules. It’s “The Cider House Rules“.. like.. laws, things you have to obey. Rules, you know?

Keith: [ confused ] It’ wasn’t like a Spring Break film?

Tobey Maguire: No. It’s not.

Keith: Fine! Then what else were you in? ‘Cause I didn’t see that one.

Tobey Maguire: Uh.. I was in.. “The Ice Storm”.

Keith: Now you’ve got me, Brohan! You’ve got me! That’s a great movie, man! Helen Hunt, that cow flying in the air..!

Tobey Maguire: Wrong film.

Keith: Yeah? Okay, what else?

Tobey Maguire: Most recently, I was in “Wonder Boys”.

Keith: Yeah! Tasty! That’s with that, uh.. that’s with that dude that knocked up Catherine Zeta-Jones? What’s his name, uh..?

Tobey Maguire: Michael Douglas?

Keith: Yeahhhh!! Michael Douglas! Whoo!! [ sheepishly ] I didn’t see that one.

Tobey Maguire: [ aggravated ] Great. Good

Keith: You know, I saw the movie where the dude humped the pie! Are you him?

Tobey Maguire: Nope. Not me.

Keith: Alright, uh.. I just bought “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace” on videotape. Are you in that?

Tobey Maguire: You know what? If it’ll make you quiet – yeah. Sure.

Keith: That’s cool, you were in that! What’d you play?

Tobey Maguire: Uh.. uh.. oh! I was Jar Jar Binks!

Keith: [ disappointed ] You were Jar Jar Binks? you know what? You sucked! You ruined that whole movie!

Tobey Maguire: You know.. I had a point, but forget it.

Keith: Jar Jar Binks sucks, man!

Tobey Maguire: You know, we have a great show..

Keith: No, we don’t! It’s Jar Jar Binks! Turn the channel!

Tobey Maguire: Sisqo is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts