Britney Spears: Thank you, thank you very much. You know, it is so cool to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” because I happen to be a very big fan of this show. And now that I’m here, I think this is a perfect place for me to clear up some crazy, crazy rumors that I keep hearing about myself. Like that I can’t perform without lip-synching, okay, which is not true. See, when I went on the Grammy awards, and sang “Baby One More Time”..
[ an obviously pre-recorded voice counters the movement of her lips ]
Voiceover: ..I mean, I had some backup singers doing the harmonies, but I sang all the lead vocals live. It wasn’t on tape. I mean, I’ve been performing in front of live audiences since I was six. I don’t need to fake it.
[ Britney’s live voice resumes the rest of the monologue ]
Britney Spears: Hmm, let me see.. oh yeah.. there’s one more. The one about my boobs being fake. That is just ridiculous! [ fake boobs in shirt start to move around ] I mean, come on! I’m 18, and I’m still growing, you know? [ looks down at her chest, notices her boobs are moving around – they quickly stop ] Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you, so stick around, we’ll be right back.
[ fake breasts continue to move, until monologue fades out ]
Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell Cass Van Rye…..Cheri Oteri Dawn Paslowsky…..Britney Spears
Tom Wilkins: Woo! Good morning! I’m Tom Wilkins!
Cass van Rye: I’m Cass Van Rye! Hey! How hot is it?
Tom Wilkins: Unbearable!
Cass van Rye: How hot is it?
Tom Wilkins: Unbearable!
Cass van Rye: How hot is it?
Tom Wilkins: Unbearable! Geez! Has anyone heard from Spring?
Cass van Rye: Hey Janet Reno, did you stick a gun in Spring’s face and force it back to Cuba, too? There! I said it!
Tom Wilkins: She said it! Summer just showed up out of nowhere! It’s like a visit from you, Cass – unannounced and uncomfortable.
Cass van Rye: And the Latte is without air conditioning! What gives? The change in the temperature is giving me laryngitis.
Tom Wilkins: Kinda nice, it’s kinda nice.
Cass van Rye: Hey, what’s the deal with the AC, fellas? Did it break?
Tom Wilkins: No, actually I heard that the station refused to pay the bill because we are the lowest rated show on television. [ pause ] And that includes cable.
Cass van Rye: Here’s Ainsley Harriot.. [ motions with hands ] ..and here’s us. Not good.
Tom and Cass: No..not good.
Cass van Rye: Man, I’m sweating like a prostitute in church.
Tom Wilkins: Speaking of church, we lost a good one this week – Cardinal Carol O’Conner. He will be missed. Let’s have a moment of silence for him
[ both bow heads ]
Cass van Rye: [ raises head before even a beat ] Hey did you see “Gladiator”?
Tom Wilkins: No, no, but I heard about it. What’s it about?
Cass van Rye: It was about gladiators in ancient Roman times, and that’s fine, that’s fine, but this is what’s giving me a red rump – I’ve been to the Colliseum, gang, and it does not look like that! It’s a mess! Half of it’s down! (she motions)
Tom Wilkins: Half of it’s down! I’ve seen pictures! I think they should just tear the whole thing down! Do something with that land!
Cass van Rye: Come on!
Tom Wilkins: Build a Coconut Records, a Pizza Hut, I don’t know! Do something with that land!
Cass van Rye: Get on the stick!
Tom Wilkins: Hey, speaking of historical epics, catch “Viva Rock Vegas”
Cass van Rye: Oooh, the Flintstones sequel! Yea yea!
Tom Wilkins: I’m telling you! Not only was it funny, but you really felt like you were in prehistoric olden times.
Cass van Rye: Yeah..yeah.
Tom Wilkins: Or the Paleolithic Era. And by Paleolithic, I mean –
Cass van Rye: One who collects stamps. [ demonstrates ]
Tom Wilkins: No no, no – the Stone Age.
Cass van Rye: The Stone Age! [ acts out throwing stones ] Yeah!
Tom Wilkins: Stone Age, yeah.
Cass van Rye: You know what? I’ll tell ya, they can make a hundred Flintstones sequels and it won’t be enough.
Tom Wilkins: Won’t be enough. Keep ’em comin’!
[ they repeat this a few times ]
Cass van Rye: Yabba Dabba Doo!
Tom Wilkins: Yeah! It’s hot! Yeah! It’s hot!
Cass van Rye: Yeah! It’s hot!
Tom Wilkins: Hey, let’s bring out our first guest! Yeah, this young woman wrote a tell-all book about the seedy, corrupt underbelly of the new Mickey Mouse Club TV show. Yeah!
Cass van Rye: Tom, you know, I actually opened this book, and you know that I don’t care for books.
Tom Wilkins: No, you don’t.. no.. anyone who watched the show knew stuff was goin’ down.
Cass van Rye: Please welcome the author of “Mousetrap” – Dawn Paslowsky.
[ Dawn walks in ]
Cass van Rye: Hi Dawn.
Dawn Paslowsky: What up, yo?
Cass van Rye: Alright.. now, Dawn, now I believe that people should be judged solely based on their appearance. And I’m gonna tell you, I think you look very tough and hard.
Tom Wilkins: I’m with Cass, I’m scared right now.
Cass van Rye: Please don’t cut me! [ motions ]
Dawn Paslowsky: You know, you can chill. I only cut people if they get all up in my face, in my business, so you can chill (sounds more like “chee-o”)
Tom Wilkins: Fair Enough. Alright. Now Dawn, you were a Mouseketeer for only 4 days. What the heck happened?
Dawn Paslowsky: Yo, Disney is Wack! I mean, they made me cover my tattoos, take out my piercins, and they tried to confiscate my box cutter. They tried to turn me into somethin’ I aint, and I don’t front. I don’t front.
Tom Wilkins: She does not front, so don’t ask her.
Dawn Paslowsky: See, and from the beginning, I knew they was out to get me, and I don’t play like that. I don’t front.
Cass van Rye: Gang, she’s putting the foot down on the fronting.
Tom Wilkins: Hey, I understand from Chapter 12 of your book, entitled, “Another Time I Was Mad”, that you were confronted by fellow Mouseketeer 11-year-old Britney Spears. What happened?
Dawn Paslowsky: See, Britney Spears was a stuck up playa hayta. She was always showin’ up on time, knowin’ her lines, and showerin’ and stuff, and she stole all my dope moves like this one. [ demonstrates ] And I invented that one in ’91, when I was 8, a-ight? I ain’t shady.
Cass van Rye: Ok, she aint shady and she doesn’t front. [ motioning with hands again ]
Tom Wilkins: Yeah.. yeah I heard her.
Cass van Rye: She said she.. [ turns to Tom ] ..ain’t shady…
Tom Wilkins: I heard her. [ pushes her face back toward Dawn ] Turn around.
Cass van Rye: Dawn, tell us – what was the final nail in the Camel’s back for you?
Dawn Paslowsky: Huh?
Tom Wilkins: No,no, Cass. What was the final straw the broke the coffin?
Dawn Paslowsky: it goes like this – Britney started sniffin’ ’round my man Justin Timberlake and –
Cass van Rye: Ooh, Justin who was also a Mouseketeer – also a Mouseketeer, but is currently in the speed metal trio *NSYNC. Check ’em out! Check ’em out!
Tom Wilkins: Check ’em out!
Dawn Paslowsky: I mean, I told her to step off and she was like, “What?” and I was like, “No, you don’t” and she was like, “Huh?” and I was like, “Uh-uh” and and then I set her hair on fire. You see her hair now? She’s wearin’ a wig.
Cass van Rye: Ooh, Dawn is one tough cookie!
Tom Wilkins: She’s like a pit bull!
Cass van Rye: Tough Cookie!
Tom Wilkins: Like a pit bull!
Cass van Rye: Tough Cookie! Like PM Dawn!
Tom Wilkins: Red Dawn!
Cass van Rye: Yeah, Dawn cuts the grease!
Tom Wilkins: Here comes confrontation.. [ raises his hand next to Cass’ head ] ..and here comes Dawn. [ smacks hand into other hand, and also into Cass’ head ]
Dawn Paslowsky: I just represent, yo. I just represent.
Cass van Rye: You know who doesn’t represent? Our network! It is HOT!
Tom Wilkins: Hot! Yeah!
Cass van Rye: Come on gang! It’s hot!
Tom Wilkins: And you know what? It’s going to get hotter, because, coming up next, Mr. Peabo Bryson!
Cass van Rye: [ puts hand over heart ] Ohh!
Tom Wilkins: If he hasn’t melted backstage.
Cass van Rye: Oh, I love that man.
Dawn Paslowsky: Damn, it is hot in here. [ checks pits ]
Tom Wilkins: Hey, if you wouldn’t mind, teach us that move again when you touch yourself, yeah!
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani…..Darrell Hammond Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Thank you all for coming. As you know, this has been a chaotic time, it’s been a difficult time for me. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer, which, I guess, is the closest I’ll ever come to playing for the Yankees! [ laughs ] But I’m confident about my recovery. I’ve got a team of doctors who are gonna get in there and really treat my rectum like it’s Time Square. That’s right – we’re gonna clean it up, we’re gonna get the bad element out, we’re gonna make it a healthy place, safe for families to visit. Now, earlier this week, I surprised my wife with an early Mother’s Day gift by announcing our seperation. I prefer to spend time with my good friend, Judith Nathan. And to my critics, who accuse me of leaving my wife for a younger, more beautiful woman: I assure you, Judith Nathan is 46 and not that good looking. Now, you can see that, with all that is going on in my private life, politics is not my top priority. In fact, these are my top priorities:
#1. Fix my prostate.
#2. Hang out at cigar bars with my new lady.
#3. Blindside my wife with an announcement about the fate of our family.
#4. Root hard for the Yankees!
#5. Get my cops to stop shooting all the black people.
[ laughs ] I’m here to decide whether I will remain in the Senate race. But I wish to thank everyone for their outpouring of support – even my opponent, Hillary Clinton, has been extremely supportive. In fact, she has asked to say a few words on my behalf. Hillary?
[ Hillary Clinton steps up to the podium ]
Hillary Clinton: Good afternoon, fellow New Yorkers. I stand behind Rudy’s decision to prioritize his private life. These.. things.. happen! People work long hours together, attachments are made, indescretions happen – repeatedly. Marital infidelity strikes in over 50% in American households, and over 97% of political households. Just look at Newt Gingrich.. John McCain.. Bob Packwood.. Clarence Thomas.. Chuck Robb.. Dick Morris.. Gary Hart.. Henry Cisneros.. that guy before Dennis Hastert.. and of course, the one that brought me great personal anguish – Henry Hyde. Rudy is merely joining the ranks of these great men. Men in politics who have a lot of great charism and charm. They can’t help it if women are drawn to them – or so I’ve been told.. repeatedly. Now, if I might offer a few words of advice to Rudy’s wife, Donna Hanover, to ease the pain: take some time for you. Have a facial, lunch with friends, run for Senate.. and most important, if by chance you run into your husband’s girlfriend on the street, look her straight in her fat little face, and in a quiet, calm voice, say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Britney Spears: I want to say a very special thanks to Sarah Michelle Gellar – the cast, for making me feel so comfortable – and everyone for coming out. Thank you, guys!
Jingle: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo! The Ambiguously Gay Duo! They are taking on evil, come what may They are fighting all crime to save the day. They’re extremely close in an ambiguous way. They’re ambiguoysly gay. They’re ambiguoysly gay. The Ambiguously Gay Duo!”
Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight’s episode: “Trouble Coming Twice”.
[ open on the evil lair of Big Head and Dr. Brainio, as they admire a demonic metal bird ]
Big Head: It’s deliciously demonic, Dr. Brainio!
Brainio: Then, it is set. We shall release the creature at the NBA Championship, and address the world with our orders.
Big Head: And once we have outed those do-gooders, Ace and Gary, no one will stop us!
Brainio: Beg pardon? Outed them?
Big Head: Before the game. Tell him, Orbotrox!
Orbotrox: [ I heard they hang out at a bar called The Greasy Pole ]
Brainio: Oh, the gay thing. I suppose all partners are gay. Were Abbot & Costello gay?
Orbotrox: [ That’s different ]
Big Head: You know Laurel & Hardy were.
[ cut to Commissioner’s office, as he talks to Gary on the phone, with the Police Chief listening in intently ]
Commissioner: Ace! Gary! We think there may be foul play at the game tonight!
[ show Ace & Gary doing exercises, shirtless with their legs hanging in the air ]
Ace: We’ll be there, Commissioner.
Commissioner: Uh.. what are you doing right now? [ whispering ] The Chief asked.
Ace: Gary and I are in the middle of a hot workout.
Chief: You know what that means!
Commissioner: Quiet!
Ace: We’re doing some squat thrusts!
Commissioner: [ groans ]
Ace: We’ll have to go undercover and stay around the arena.
Gary: You got it, Ace!
[ Ace & Gary run off ]
[ cut to Big Head and Brainio spying on gay bars The Greasy Pole and Man Hole ]
Big Head: They won’t see us from here.
Brainio: Hmm.. Orbotrox, I didn’t know you were such an expert on gay bars..
Orbotrox: [ Back off, Dickweed! It’s research. ]
[ cut to Ace & Gary disguised as an Indian and a biker, walking past gay bars like the Oily Faucet ]
Ace: These disguises are perfect, Gary! No one will recognize us as an Indian Chief and a bike enthusiast.
Big Head: [ watching in hiding ] Halleluah!
Orbotrox: [ Ha! Friggin’ ‘mos! ]
Ace: Let’s blend in – at one of these watering holes.
[ Ace & Gary enter a sports bar called O’Hetero’s ]
Brainio: Nice call, evil geniuses.
Orbotrox: [ Kiss my ass! We’ve got a Plan B! ]
[ Ace & Gary run out of O’Hetero’s, as bottles are thrown in their direction ]
Gary: Why is everyone picking fights with us, Ace?
Ace: I’m afraid the Native American has a few more hills to climb, friend o’ friends.
[ suddenly, they encounter Big Head and Brainio disguised as hookers ]
Big Head: Hey, big fellas! Here’s where you ought to go! We’ve got all ages and races! Right, Fung Lee?
Orbotrox: [ I’m hung like a… I can’t do this. ]
Ace: It’s Big Head!
Gary: And Brainio!
Brainio: Uh-oh.. [ presses a remote control, releasing the demonic bird above the NBA arena ]
[ with the villains in the back of the supermobile ] You scoundrel! You’re coming with us!
Big Head: Care to re-assess?
[ the demonic bird crashes into the NBA Championships, where it begins to chew on Bob Costas ]
[ Ace & Gary blast their phallic-shaped supermobile into the arena to save the day ]
Ace: The tender balls of heat will slow him down!
[ balls of heat burst out the shaft of the supermobile, and stick upon the demonic bird’s long neck ]
Brainio: [ mortified ] Oh.. my.. God..
Orbotrox: [ Oh, my God. ]
Ace: Try and disable his beak, Gary.
[ Ace sits on the bird’s back, as Gary compresses the beak and blows air into it ]
Ace: Harder, Gary.. harder! Grip it! Slap it!
[ Gary is now straddled around the bird’s neck, as he continues to grip its beak ]
Ace: That’s it! Yes! Rock it, Gary!
Gary: That’s enough, big guy!
[ the crowd stares in horror at the scene ]
Ace: What’s everyone looking at?
Crowd: Nothing!!
Announcer: Have Ace & Gary saved the NBA?
[ preview Ace & Gary entering team locker room, where players are clad only in towels ]
Ace: Coby. Shaq. Everyone okay in here?
[ nervous ] Um.. yeah.. we’re cool..
Announcer: Tune in next week, same ambiguous time for..
Britney Spears: Uh, thank you, great moves. We’ll keep in touch alright?
Dancer: Ok, thank you
Britney Spears: Who’s next?
Assistant: Uh, Kyle Demarco, and his brother Sean Demarco
Kyle DeMarco: (furiously shaking Britney’s hand) Oh my God, Hi, Hi, how are you? Oh my God Hi, hi, nice to meet you
Sean DeMarco: Let me shake her hand.
Kyle DeMarco: Oh my God my heart’s going crazy
Sean DeMarco: Oh my God you just said “crazy” like her song
Kyle DeMarco: Oh my God, I totally did, I didn’t mean to do that, oh my God!
Assistant: Ok guys, calm down. Calm down guys
Britney Spears: Ok, look guys I’m going on tour very soon and I’m looking for dancers with a lot of energy.
Assistant: Right so, uh, let’s see what you guys got.
Kyle DeMarco: Ok…(referring to shirt) Give it up…
Sean DeMarco: For Britney…You know it…
Kyle DeMarco: TOTALLY! (laughs)
Britney Spears: Those are nice.
Sean DeMarco: We stayed up all night making them
Kyle DeMarco: Yeah we totally missed Felicity….ah ok ok ok
(They get a serious look on their faces and they turn to each other)
Kyle DeMarco: Freedom
Sean DeMarco: Freedom
Kyle DeMarco: Trust
Sean DeMarco: Trust
Kyle DeMarco: Wings
Sean DeMarco: Wings
Kyle DeMarco: Give it up!
Sean DeMarco: Woo!
(Beginning of “Oops, I Did it Again” plays then breaks into chorus-while that is playing, the Demarco Brothers are doing dance moves related to the lyrics of the song)
Kyle DeMarco: Oh my God,Oh my God you were so good
Sean DeMarco: No you were so good
Kyle DeMarco: I know totally I was, I was totally good I know that!
Britney Spears: That was really interesting guys, um, you wanna show me something else?
Kyle DeMarco: Yeah, if you just give us a second here we will. God, what is that?
Sean DeMarco: You ok-you ok?
Kyle DeMarco: Yeah I’m fine, I’m fine…how are my bangs?
Sean DeMarco: They could be longer-uh-how are my pot marks?
Kyle DeMarco: You can’t see them.
Britney Spears: You guys we really have a lot of other people to see-
Kyle DeMarco: Yeah, I know, ok, God, I know this, ok, God, what is this?…Ok…Let’s do this
Sean DeMarco: For Britney
Kyle DeMarco: (points to shirt) Totally!
(“You Drive Me Crazy” plays-the Brothers do motions to the sound of the bells with their heads and hips…Britney stops music)
Kyle DeMarco: Uh, oh, uuuuh!
Britney Spears: Ok, you guys were just wobbling
Kyle DeMarco: Yeah, ok and you just interrupted us. Thank you very much!
Assistant: You guys got something else you can show us?
Britney Spears: Yeah guys we’re really running out of time.
Kyle DeMarco: Yeah, ok Little Miss Pissy, how ’bout you watch your lip?!
Sean DeMarco: Hey Kyle!
Kyle DeMarco: I just don’t get it you know?
Sean DeMarco: Kyle?
Kyle DeMarco: What?
Sean DeMarco: Look at me. Look at me. You take that fire that’s going on inside of you right now, and you put it into the dance! Alright?
Kyle DeMarco: Ok, ok.
Sean DeMarco: Remember what Nanny Demarco said, “If you dream, dream out loud”
Kyle DeMarco: Ok.
Assistant: That’s really great you guys but, uh, we gotta keep this thing moving because if we don’t, I may have to shoot myself in the face.
Britney Spears: Yeah, you guys wannna try another number or something?
Kyle DeMarco: Yeah, we will, if you just give us a second ok? Uh, what, uh?
Sean DeMarco: I know, terrible.
(Puts on “Hit Me Baby One More Time” attire…plays song…Brothers start to dance around the table and then start spinning…Britney stops the music)
Britney Spears: Ok, you guys were just spinning. That was awful!
Kyle DeMarco: (crying)
Sean DeMarco: What do you want from us? Do you want us to BLEED?!
Kyle DeMarco: (crying) This business is so hard, it is so hard!
Sean DeMarco: I know, I know. Come on let’s just go buy some headbands or something ok?
Kyle DeMarco: Ok…YOU PEOPLE!!!
Assistant: Man those guys were terrible.
Britney Spears: Totally…oh my God!
Assistant: Well, the next audition isn’t for another hour, you wanna practice the new number?
St. Pauly Girl…..Britney Spears Denise…..Racel Dratch Pat Sullivan…..Jimmy Fallon Frank…..Horatio Sanz
[ set at a Colonial Museum, and shown from the cameraman’s point-of-view, following each teenager as they speak ]
St. Pauly Girl: [ hands tight on a butter churner ] This is the way the Colonial settlers made their butter, with fresh cream and a little bit of salt. It would take almost four hours just to get one quart of butter. Would anyone like to take a churn?
Denise: Yeah! Over here! Let him do it! He’s got a lot fo practice!
Pat Sullivan: [ laughing ] Yeah! I’m familiar ith the motion!
Denise: Yeah! He churns it about four times a day!
St. Pauly Girl: Okay, come on up!
Denise: Oh, my Gawd! Oh my Gawd!
Pat Sullivan: [ running to the front of the crowd ] Hey, Tommy, get me churning next to the St. Pauly Girl!
St. Pauly Girl: What’s your name, Patriot?
Pat Sullivan: My name’s Pat Sullivan, and that’s my girl, Denise, over there!
Denise: Yeah! But call me “Zazou!“
Pat Sullivan: Alright, I’m on my Senior class trip, out here at Lexington, Mass., homestate of Paul Revere, John Hancock, and.. [ turns around to show off the back of his Red Sox jersey ] ..Nomar! Nomar!
St. Pauly Girl: Okay, you want to churn? [ Pat takes the handle and churns happily ] Ooh, wow.. [ feels his arms ] You’ve got strong arms. He would have definitely survived the hardships of a Colonial lifestyle. Denise: Hey! Martha Washington! I can’t understand a freakin’ word ya sayin’! That accent makes ya sound retodded!
Pat Sullivan: You are!
Denise: You are!
St. Pauly Girl: Both y’all are.
Pat Sullivan: Hey, uh, where’d you get that dress, Ye Olde House o’ Juggery?
St. Pauly Girl: Shut up, you’re messing me up. [ Pat mimcks the St. Pauly Girl’s breasts to the camera ] Okay, continue down to the next signpost, where Chris Paul’s gonna show you how to make johnny cakes. [ everyone leaves, except for Pat and Denise ] Bye. Bye, everyone. [ sits down ] Ugh! It is hot as a crotch out here.
Pat Sullivan: [ hands her a drink box ] Here! Drink this!
Denise: Yeah! It’s Wyler’s grape juice, Cognac, and wahm Tussin!
Pat Sullivan: Yeah! I call it the “Zazou Panty Remover”!
Denise: Oh, shut up!
Pat Sullivan: You shut up! [ they make out ]
St. Pauly Girl: My friends and I, we used to make a drink like this.
Pat Sullivan: Weird.
St. Pauly Girl: We used to put peanuts at the bottom of it..
Denise: [ outraged ] Peanuts?! No, Sir!
Pat Sullivan: No, Sir!
Denise: That is rank!
St. Pauly Girl: [ grabbing Pat’s arm ] Are you Irish? I like Irish guys.
Denise: Uh, yeah, he is! That’s why he bought me this claddagh! [ shows her ring to the camera ]
St. Pauly Girl: Oh, my goodness, that is so pretty.. you have good taste.
Pat Sullivan: Did you get that, Tommy?
St. Pauly Girl: [ curious ] Why are y’all taping this?
Pat Sullivan: Uh.. this is for our American Studies final..
Denise: Yeah, we’re supposed to write a report on the early settlers.
Pat Sullivan: Yeah, I do all my reports on video, because I suffer from several as-yet-unnamed learning disabilities.
Denise: He did not get proper nutrition during his toddler years!
Pat Sullivan: Swear to Gawd!
Denise: Yeah! His mother’s breastmilk’s like Bailey’s Irish Cream!
Pat Sullivan: That’s neither here nor there!
Denise: She’s no stranger to the inside of a squad car – believe me!
St. Pauly Girl: That’s so sad..
Denise: Hey! Is it hard to get a job here!
St. Pauly Girl: Hey, you don’t want to work here. The money sucks, and the guy who plays Thomas Jefferson is a total perv. There’s just no jobs around here.
Pat Sullivan: Yeah! The job market’s really ridiculous right now.
Denise: Yeah! I got fired from Thom McCann for using a foot measurer inappropriately!
Pat Sullivan: Apparently, my weiner is a ladies size 5! [ Denise makes out with him ]
Frank: [ stumbling up ] Denise! Denise! We missed the bus!
Denise: [ smacking Frank’s arm ] Frank, you were supposed to come get us!
Frank: I lost track of time. I went in the gift shop and bought this fafe! [ holds up a fife ]
Pat Sullivan: Tommy, we missed our bus!
Denise: Aw, crap!
Pat Sullivan: Aw!
Denise: No way!
Pat Sullivan: This is not happenin’!
Denise: Damn!
Pat Sullivan: This is not happenin’!
Denise: Seriously! [ notices Frank’s fife ] That is a sweet fife!
Frank: Yeah, I got it for my mom for Mom’s Day.
Pat Sullivan: [ to the St. Pauly Girl ] Alright, we are separated from our pahty. What would the early settlers have done?
St. Pauly Girl: Now, I mostly just know how to make butter.. but, um.. if you really get stuck, you could stay with me. Those two can sleep in the basement, but you can sleep on the floor in my room.
Denise: Ah.. not gonna happen, Betsy Rahss!
St. Pauly Girl: Uh.. maybe you wanna let him answer.
Pat Sullivan: Sorry, uh.. Milk Maiden.. you may be extremely hot.. but what my girl Zazou lacks in beauty, charm, polish, and general physical health, she makes up with her warm personality and her promisicuous sexual practices. And I love her.
Denise: You are so gay!
Pat Sullivan: You are. [ they make out ]
Frank: [ approaches the St. Pauly Girl ] What’s up? I’m Frank.
St. Pauly Girl: You’d better get going, ’cause my next group’s coming in, and I haven’t cleaned the cream off my pole yet.
Denise: [ excited ] The “cream off your pole”?!
Pat Sullivan: Tommy, please tell me you got that!
[ Tommy shakes the video camera “yes”, as Pat and Denise make out some more ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 19 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
May 13th, 2000 Britney Spears Britney Spears None Sarah Michelle Geller Cheri Oteri’s mother Guiliani’s Press ConferenceSummary: Hillary Clinton (Ana Gasteyer) speaks out in favor of Mayor Rudolph Guiliani’s (Darrell Hammond) extramarital affair. Recurring Characters: Mayor Rudolph Guiliani, Hillary Clinton. Transcript
Montage
Britney Spears’ MonologueSummary: Britney Spears denies rumors that she lip-syncs and has breast implants. Also Hosted: 01l. Transcript
Gap FatSummary: A fat dancer (Horatio Sanz) leads other fat dancers in a musical campaign for the Gap’s new XXL wear collection. Transcript
Morning LatteSummary: Tom Wilkins (Will Ferrell) and a hoarse Cass van Rye (Cheri Oteri) interview Mickey Mouse Club reject Dawn Paslowsky (Britney Spears). Recurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye. Transcript
Boston TeensSummary: Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) joke around with the milk maiden (Britney Spears) at a coloniel museum. Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: In a Rob Smigel cartoon, The Ambiguously Gay Duo foil a Big Head plot at the NBA Finals. Transcript
WoodrowSummary: Britney Spears enjoys a romantic moment in the sewer with Woodrow the homeless bum (Tracy Morgan). Recurring Characters: Woodrow. Transcript
Britney Spears performs “Oops!…I Did It Again”Also Performed: 01l, 03c.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: A shy Chris Parnell raps about his dream date with Britney Spears. Recurring Characters: James Haven Voight, Angelina Jolie, Qrplt*xk. Transcript
The DeMarco BrothersSummary: Brothers Kyle (Chris Kattan) and Sean DeMarco (Chris Parnell) perform bad dance moves while auditioning for Britney Spears. Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco. Transcript
America’s Worst MomentsSummary: From Elian Gonzalez to Oliver North, America’s worst moments are commemorated on a series of decorative plates. Transcript
Deandra Wells Comeback TourSummary: Diva Deandra Wells (Ana Gasteyer) mocks the members of her back-up band (Will Ferrell, Chris Parnell, Horatio Sanz) during her big comeback tour. Recurring Characters: Deandra Wells, Gordon Davis, Alan “Sticks” McRae, Donny Gordon. Transcript
Uncle Jemima’s Pure Mash LiquorNote: Repeat from 02/05/00.
Britney Spears performs “Don’t Let Me Be The Last To Know”
Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond Emeril Lagasse…..John Goodman Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz David Duchovny…..Chris Kattan Kathie Lee Gifford…..Cheri Oteri Vanessa L. Williams…..Tim Meadows Lance Bass…..Chris Parnell
[The “Millionaire” title card appears and then fades to set where Regis is standing.]
Regis Philbin: Thank you, thank you. Wonderful. Thank you, thank you, thank you, everybody. Welcome to “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” Now, you know, tonight is a very special show. Tonight, some very talented celebrities have joined us to raise some money for their favorite charities. They are: Emeril Lagasse, Fall River, Minnesota. Rosie O’Donnell, Commack, New York. David Duchovny, New York City. Kathie Lee Gifford, Bowie, Maryland. Vanessa L. Williams, Chappequa, New York. Lance Bass, Flash in the Pan, Florida. All right, how we feeling, gang?
Rosie O’Donnell: Regis rules! You’re a cutie patootie, Regis!
Kathie Lee Gifford: Take it down a notch, chub club. Ha ha! Ha ha!
Rosie O’Donnell: I love her! I love her!
[The screen fades to read this message:] DISNEY HAS TAKEN ABC AWAY FROM YOU
Disney has once again decided to punish Time Warner cable customers by cancelling ABC. In response, we at Time Warner will construct a giantic Mickey Mouse and piss all over it. Screw you, Disney. You may own ABC, but we’ve got a little company maybe you’ve heard of called <u>AOL?</u> And kudos for basing your entire primetime schedule on a f**king game show.
[Fade back to studio]
Regis Philbin: Now, all right. Okay, that’s $1000 for you so far, David Duchovny. Now, you’re playing for the Johns Hopkins University Children’s Hospital. What do they specialize in?
David Duchovny: Children.
[The screen fades again to read this message:] DISNEY HAS TAKEN YOUR DIGNITY AWAY FROM YOU
Michael Eisner, I swear to God, we at Time Warner are going to beat your fat ass with a garden shovel… P.S., “Dharma and Greg” sucks!
[Fade back to the studio.]
[SUPER: Who was the last horse to win the Triple Crown? A: Man of War, B: Secretariat, C: Seattle Slaw, D: Affirmed]
Regis Philbin: Oh, come on, come on,Kathie Lee, we’re waiting for your answer.
Kathie Lee Gifford: I don’t know the damn answer, Reege. Okay? So just shut your trap and get me one of my lifelines.
Regis Philbin: I guess you’re going to call your husband, Frank Gifford.
Kathie Lee Gifford: No. Little secret about Frank – great in the sack, but not a bright man. Let’s call Gelman. That little fruit knows everything.
Regis Philbin: All right, AT&T, get Gelman on the line.
[phone rings and Gelman comes on the line]
Gelman: Hello?
Regis Philbin: Gelman, this is Regis. The next voice you will hear will be that of Satan!
Kathie Lee Gifford: Ha ha! Reege, I really don’t like you.
Regis Philbin: All right.
[The screen fades again with another message:] DISNEY HAS TAKEN RUNNING WATER AWAY FROM YOU
If you are a Time Warner customer, start hoarding bottled water.
[Fade back to studio.]
Regis Philbin: Now, Emeril, are you ready to play?
Emeril Lagasse: Bam! Bam! Pow! Bam!
Regis Philbin: Ha ha ha ha! That’s wonderful.
[The screen fades to this Scandinavian message:] DISNEY HAS TAKEN DENMARK AWAY FROM SCANDINAVIA
Orst Kirgokg tak Juden vibeke lein arhus neilsson Time Warner asboeten.
[Fade back to studio.]
Regis Philbin: Is it: A, Colonel Mustard. B, Montreal, Quebec. C, Lethal Injection, or D, Cunnilingus?
[The screen fades again to another message:] THE ‘I LOVE YOU’ COMPUTER VIRUS HAS SHUT DOWN DISNEY
How does it feel to be shut down, Disney, huh? Suck on that!
[Fade back to studio.]
Regis Philbin: Vanessa L. Williams, I see that – I see that you’re expecting, and congratulations. You look absolutely radiant.
Vanessa L. Williams: Would you quit staring at my jugs?
[The screen fades one more time to reveal this message:] DISNEY HAS TAKEN ELIAN GONZALEZ AWAY FROM HIS FATHER
6-year old Cuban refugee Elian Gonzalez has been kidnapped by Disney and is being forced to appear in the movie, “Toy Story 3”.
[Fade back to studio.]
Regis Philbin: Lance Bass from *NSYNC, for $250,000, what is the question – the answer to this question? Where will you be in five years: A, Still with *NSYNC. B, A solo artist. C, Homeless. D, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
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