Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Calgary ’88

Mark Mossano…..Tom Hanks
Jim McKay…..Dana Carvey
Dick Button……Phil Hartman
Peggy Fleming…..Jan Hooks

FADE IN:

[ EXT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – NIGHT ]

[ GRAPHIC: ABC SPORTS CALGARY 1988 LOGO ]

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – NIGHT ]

Jim McKay (V/O): We’re back live at the Saddledome in Calgary, where Mark Mossano, the young figure skater from Rockford, Illinois is about to face the greatest test of his life.

[ MARK MOSSANO, wearing a kid’s cowboy hat and a studded periwinkle unitard, waits to go on the rink. ]

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ABC SPORTS BOOTH – NIGHT ]

[ Announcers JIM MCKAY and DICK BUTTON stand next to each other holding microphones. ]

Jim McKay: Hello, I’m Jim McKay and with me is Dick Button.

Dick Button: Hello.

Jim McKay: Dick, Dick… Mark is not expected to win a medal here in Calgary and realistically – – he has no chance for one.

Dick Button: No, but Jim, watching him skate earlier today… I don’t think that’s on his mind. I think he’s here for the sheer thrill of competing in the Olympics.

Jim McKay: Well, what is it about Mark Mossano that makes him so exciting? Certainly for technique, he’s no match for the skaters we’ve seen tonight.

Dick Button: Well, Jim, it’s that elusive quality we call… style. He skates with an abandon that’s almost primitive and how fitting for an Olympics held in this wild, frontier town. But I can’t quite put my finger on it. All I can say is — I very much like this young man.

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ICE RINK – NIGHT ]

[ Mossano takes to the center of the ice. ]

Jim McKay (V/O): He’s taking the ice now.

[ Mossano poses his arms in the air and waits for the music. ]

Jim McKay (V/O): Mark Mossano.

[ The theme from “Bonanza” begins playing on the speakers. Mossano stumbles. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Oh! A stumble!

[ Mossano pulls out two, toy pistols from the holsters on his unitard and starts prancing on the ice. ]

Dick Button (V/O): But what a bold choice of music! And what a marvelous costume! A fitting choice for an Olympics held in this wild, frontier town.

[ The music changes to 1930’s big band ensemble. Mossano continues to prance. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Oh! A tempo change! Very dramatic.

Jim McKay (V/O): How true.

Dick Button (V/O): Very nice. You know Jim, watching him skate, I’m reminded of a young Robin Cousins.

Jim McKay (V/O): Really? How so, Dick?

Dick Button (V/O): Well… it’s hard to explain. Never mind.

[ Mossano tip-toe dances on the ice, flailing the toy guns near his lips. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Whoa-ho! Look at those six-shooters blazing! He’s taking that ice like some modern-day Wyatt Earp; attacking it with verve and pizzazz and fun.

[ Mossano strikes a finishing pose. ]

Dick Button (V/O): A winning, marvelous program and a sexy one to boot!

Jim McKay (V/O): Definitely… very sexy.

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ABC SPORTS BOOTH – NIGHT ]

[ McKay and Button side-by-side. ]

Jim McKay: Now let us watch young Mark Mossano as he waits to see the judges scoring…

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – KISS AND CRY ZONE – NIGHT ]

[ Mossano pants heavily and views the scoring board off screen. ]

[ SUPER: URS-0.1, FRG-0.1, USA-0.1, CAN-0.1, GDR-0.0, AUS-0.2, TCH-0.0, GBR-0.0, POL-0.0

Dick Button (V/O): 0.1, 0.1, 0.1, 0.1, 0.0 — that’s the East German judge. 0.2, another no, 0.0, 0.0 and another 0.0.

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ABC SPORTS BOOTH – NIGHT ]

Dick Button: Well Jim, I really think these scores are very low. I really do.

Jim McKay: Well Dick, Peggy Fleming is ringside with Mark to get his reaction. Let’s go to Peggy…

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – KISS AND CRY ZONE – NIGHT ]

[ PEGGY FLEMING stands next to Mossano, who’s panting harder than before. ]

Peggy Fleming: Well, technically Mark that was the best I’ve ever seen you skate. Um, what was it tonight that was special for you?

[ Mossano can’t speak due to his panting. ]

Peggy Fleming: Okay… um, did the performance of your teammate Brian Boitano give you a lift?

[ Mossano shakes his head yet still not speak. ]

Peggy Fleming: Uh-huh… well, is there anything you’d like to say to your family back home?

Mark Mossano: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

The Bean Cafe

Cafe Owner…..Tom Hanks
Harry…..Jon Lovitz
Lonnie…..Phil Hartman
Bob’s Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Bob…..Kevin Nealon
Cindy…..Nora Dunn
Keith…..Dana Carvey

[ the phone rings at the Bean Cafe ]

Cafe Owner: Bean Cafe. Yeah, that’s right. Just beans, that’s allwe serve here. Well, we’re open 24 hours. Okay, yeah, thanks for calling.[ hangs up phone and notices Harry at the table ] Hey, Harry, another bowlof beans?

Harry: Yeah. Hey, could you put cheese on it?

Cafe Owner: Sure. You want grated cheese, or do you want me tocut the cheese?

Harry: Yeah, go ahead, Ralph. Cut the cheese.

Cafe Owner: You got it. [ starts cutting a chunk of cheese for Harry ]

Lonnie: [ enters the cafe ] Hi, Ralph!

Cafe Owner: Hey, hey, Lonnie! Set you up with a bowl of beans?

Lonnie: Uh.. yeah, I think I’ll try the pintos today. [ sniffs theair ] Alright, who did it?

Cafe Owner: What?

Lonnie: Who went and made my favorite pie again?

Cafe Owner: There’s just no keeping a secret with you, is there,Lonnie Edwards? [ pulls out the freshly-baked pie ] Wendy made it upspecial for you. I’ll tell you what – I’ll warm it up.

Lonnie: Fantastic!

Cafe Owner: [ opens the oven ] Oh, damn..

Lonnie: What’s the matter?

Cafe Owner: Well, the pilot light keeps going out on this oven.

Lonnie: Probably from all the wind you get blowing aroundhere.. You really should get these windows caulked!

Cafe Owner: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to do that..

[ cut to a couple sitting at a table ]

Bob’s Wife: Good beans, huh?

Bob: Yeah, the best!

Bob’s Wife: You know what they say – “Beans, beans, good for the heart..”

Both: “Beans, beans, great for the heart!”

[ cut to Lonnie at the counter reading a newspaper ]

Lonnie: Hey, Harry, did you see this? The Army’s thinking aboutdeveloping a new gas bomb.

Harry: Yeah? They should come here.

Lonnie: What do you mean?

Harry: We could use the jobs. Then, maybe some of the teenagerswouldn’t have to move away.

Lonnie: Yeah. Good point. [ walks back to the counter ]

Cindy: [ enters the cafe ] Hi, Ralph.

Cafe Owner: Oh, hey, Cindy! A bowl of beans?

Cindy: Oh, no, I’d better not. I’m going over to my in-laws later.

Cafe Owner: So?

Cindy: Well, you know what would happen if I had a big bowl of beansnow. I wouldn’t be hungry! We’re gonna have dinner. Just give me acup of coffee.

Cafe Owner: Coming up.

Cindy: Hi, Lonnie.

Lonnie: Hi. How are you, Cindy?

Cindy: Say, how come you guys aren’t watching the big swim meet?

Lonnie: Oh, yeah! That local boy made the finals. What’s his name?

Harry: Rip Loudon.

Lonnie: Yeah, that’s it.

Cafe Owner: [ watching the TV screen ] Oh, geez.. last place already..Lonnie: Well, you know what would have helped shott him through thewater? A big bowl of beans! I mean, you see, complex carbohydrates give youthat long-term energy that you need.

Cafe Owner: Absolutely. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell people.It’s much better for you than steak.

Harry: Ah, you know what they say – “Beans, beans, good for the heart..”

All: “Beans, beans, great for your heart!”

Cafe Owner: [ looking at the TV screen ] Well, this is boring. Let’ssee what else is on. [ flips channel to a spider documentary ]

TV Announcer: ..The Black Widow. Silent but deadly..

Cindy: You know what else is silent but deadly?

Lonnie: What?

Cindy: A scorpion.

Cafe Owner: [ looking at the couple’s table ] Oh, gee! Hey, Bob!That’s wet paint! [ runs over ]

Bob: [ jumping to his feet ] Oh, geez.. I didn’t even notice!

Cafe Owner: Didn’t you see the sign?!

Bob: Did I get any on my pants?

Cafe Owner: Oh, let me see. Bend over. [ Bob bends over as theCafe Owner peers in for a look ] I can’t really see.. the lighting’s notreally good here. Let me get my lighter.. [ takes out a lighter and holdsthe flame close to the back of Bob’s pants ] No.. I don’t see anything..That chair must have already been dry!

Bob: Boy, that was close, huh? [ sits back down ]

Keith: [ enters the cafe grimacing and sniffing ] Whoo-whee!Whoo-whee!

Cafe Owner: Hey, Keith. What’s the matter?

Keith: Oh, uh, it’s this hay fever acting up again. Whoo-whee!

Cafe Owner: A nice hot bowl of beans will fix you right up.

Keith: Whoo-whee!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Apple Support Systems

Randy…..Tom Hanks
Apple Operator…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on Randy sitting behind a computer, sweating as he calls Apple Support System ]

Randy: Oh, come on, man.. come on, please.. just pick it up.. please pick up..

Apple Opertor: Apple Support System, can I help you?

Randy: Yeah.. yeah.. Support System, listen. My name is Randy. I’m new here, and there’s no one else around. I told them I knew how to use computers, and that’s why they hired me. They’re gonna be in this morning, and I gotta have results, man! I don’t know what’s what here..!

Apple Opertor: Okay, alright, alright.. Randy, get a hold of yourself. Now, first of all, what kind of computer are you working with?

Randy: Uh.. uh.. I don’t know!

Apple Opertor: Okay. Alright, listen, take it easy. We’re gonna just walk you through this.

Randy: It’s just a computer, man!

Apple Opertor: Alright, alright. Randy, you there?

Randy: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I’m here!

Apple Opertor: Randy, look in the lower lefthand corner. What does it say?

Randy: Uh, okay.. there’s a little yellow thing.. it’s got a smile on it.. and it says “Have A Nice Day.”

Apple Opertor: Okay, Randy, that’s a sticker. You might want to peel that off.

Randy: Oh. Okay. [ peels sticker off ] I got it.

Apple Opertor: Okay, alright. Good, Randy. Now, what does it say underneath that?

Randy: Well, it doesn’t say anything underneath it, man! It was just a sticker on the box!

Apple Opertor: Relax now, relax!

Randy: Wait a minute, wait a minute..! There’s like a picture of a tangerine.. or a tangelo.. or..

Apple Opertor: Okay, that’s a big help, Randy. Uh.. it sounds like you’re operating a Macintosh.

Randy: Well, is it good or bad?!

Apple Opertor: It’s good, it’s good. It’s user-friendly. Uh.. there should be a mouse hooked up to it.

Randy: Wait, wait, wait! A mouse?! User-friendly?! What are you talking about?! You’re losing me, man! You’re losing me!

Apple Opertor: Never mind that! Never mind that! Randy, I want you to put me on your speaker box, on your phone.

Randy: What, the speakerbox?

Apple Opertor: Yeah. On your speakerbox. That way you can have both hands free to operate the machine.

Randy: Oh, alright.. speakerbox, alright.. they told me how to do that. [ pushes button, places receiver on handle ] Yeah. Okay. Are you there? Hey! Where’d you go, man?! Where’d you go?!

Apple Opertor: Right here, Randy. Right here. Sorry, I was taking a sip of coffee.

Randy: Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah. Is it.. is it good coffee?

Apple Opertor: Yes, it is, Randy. And maybe when all this is over, you and I can get together for a nice, hot cup.

Randy: Yeah.. that’ll be good, yeah.. that’d be good.

Apple Opertor: Okay, now, are you with me?

Randy: Yeah.. yeah.. I’m right here.

Apple Opertor: Now, listen very carefully. With your left hand, reach behind the machine and push down the rocker switch.

Randy: You mean, th-this light switch thing?

Apple Opertor: Yes. That’s it. Push it down.

Randy: Now?

Apple Opertor: Yes. Push it down, Randy.

Randy: Okay. [ pushes switch, computer turns on ] Oh, wait, hey man, it’s humming! Hey! It’s making noises! There’s a white light on this thing, man!

Apple Opertor: Randy, it’s okay! It’s supposed to do that. That’s good, that’s good. Alright, Randy, you okay?

Randy: Yeah. I’m fine. I’m okay.

Apple Opertor: Alright, the hardest part’s over. Now, go down to your keyboard, and find the small –

Randy: Wait a minute.. keyboard! What are you talking about?!

Apple Opertor: The panel, right below the big box with the letters on it.

Randy: What, you mean this typewriter deal?

Apple Opertor: Yeah. Now, take your finger and push down twice on the little white cube that says “Open”.

Randy: [ frantic ] Okay.. okay.. here it goes. [ pushes cube ] I did it! I did it! Hey, okay, it’s done! It’s making noises, lots of noises!

Apple Opertor: Okay, Randy, you’ve now reached the Desktop mode, you’re home-free.

Randy: Okay, okay.. Desktop.. alright!

Apple Opertor: You should see a bunch of funny-looking pictures. With your left hand, push down the Shift button and the Command button at the same time.

Randy: Okay.. [ pushes both buttons ] got it.

Apple Opertor: Got it?

Randy: Got.. yeah. Yeah! Hey, piece of cake!

Apple Opertor: Congratulations. You can now retrieve any file or document you want, just by typing it on the keyboard.

Randy: Oh.. that’s.. that’s great! Okay! Okay! I got it! Um.. I guess I’m gonna hang up now.. okay?

Apple Opertor: Okay. Okay, Randy. Good luck. Oh, and hey, Randy?

Randy: Yeah?

Apple Opertor: Have a nice day.

Randy: Thanks, man. [ returns to other line ] Hello? Hi, yeah, thank you for holding. [ camera zooms out to reveal that Randy is working for a travel agency ] Now, you wanted two round-trip tickets, right? What day did you want to fly? Okay. Are you gonna need a rental car for that?

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 20th, 1988

Tom Hanks

Randy Travis

None

None

Andy Murphy
Calgary ’88Transcript

Montage

Tom Hanks’ MonologueFirst Hosted: 85e.

Giant Businessman

The Bean CafeSummary: Farting euphemisms are the specialty of the house at the Bean Cafe.

Transcript

The Pat Stevens ShowSummary: Pat Stevens (Nora Dunn) interviews potential Republican presidential wives Elizabeth Dole (Jan Hooks) and Barbara Bush (Phil Hartman).

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens, Elizabeth Dole, Barbara Bush.

Transcript

Randy Travis performs “Forever & Ever, Amen”Bio: Randy Travis (1959-). Country singer.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerTranscript

Girl-Watchers A Go-GoSummary: A pair of Girl Watchers (Tom Hanks, Jon Lovitz) awkardly scope women and survey their chances on a city street.

Recurring Characters: Girl Watcher 1, Girl Watcher 2.

Transcript

Apple Support SystemsSummary: First time computer user Randy (Tom Hanks) is dependent on (Kevin Nealon) just to get his computer turned on, much less operate it.

Transcript

Casey Kasem Sings The BeatlesRecurring Characters: Casey Kasem.

Transcript

Delivery RoomTranscript

Observational Stand-upsRecurring Characters: Stand-ups.

Transcript

Randy Travis performs “What’ll You Do”

Sentimental Pawn ShopTranscript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Friday Night Videos

Announcer…..Phil Hartman
George Will…..Dana Carvey
…..Justine Bateman

NBC FRIDAY NIGHT VIDEOS INTRO PLAYS

Announcer: And now back to FRIDAY NIGHT VIDEOS – with Justine Bateman andcolumnist George Will.

JUSTINE BATEMAN and “Newsweek” columnist GEORGE F. WILL are seated side byside. Both adjust their posture.

George Will: Hello.

Justine nods.

Justine Bateman: Hi.

George Will: You’ve done this before?

Justine Bateman: No, no. First time. You?

George Will: Nope. First for me.

George gives a nervous laugh. Both nod their heads. Both are silent.

Justine Bateman: So you’re a writer?

George Will: More of a columnist you would say.

Justine Bateman: I see.

George Will: Yeah.

Justine Bateman: Alright.

George Will: Yeah.

Both stare off to their side. Both adjust their posture. Both are silent.

George Will: Want some water?

Justine Bateman: No thanks.

George Will: I won’t either.

Both again remain silent.

George Will: FRIDAY NIGHT VIDEOS.

Justine nods. George nods.

George Will: Oh boy.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Family Ties

…..Justine Bateman
Elyse Keaton…..Jan Hooks
Steven Keaton…..Kevin Nealon
Alex P. Keaton…..Dana Carvey
Mallory Keaton…..Justine Bateman
Jennifer Keaton…..Victoria Jackson
Nick…..Jon Lovitz

Justine Bateman: You know, when I started “Family Ties”, I was 15 years old, and, well, six years, 147 episodes later, the show is still going strong! But, you know, out of all the episodes we’ve fone, my favorite are what we call the “flashback” episodes. Now, those are the shows where our characters reminisce about some of our favorite momnets from the past episodes. It’s a great way to fill up a show with a lot of old clips, and the best part is that, well, everybody gets paid for a brand new show! Now, my favorite flashback show is the one that we just taped – it’s called “If These Old Walls Could Talk”, and, well, we shot it in five minutes..

[ dissolve to “Family Ties” montage and theme song ]

[ dissolve to the Keaton family gathered around their kitchen ]

Elyse Keaton: I can’t believe we’re leaving this house and moving to Colorado.

Steven Keaton: Honey, I can alays turn down that job..

Alex P. Keaton: [ interceding ] Dad?! Turn down that job?! Dad! Don’t get sentimental at a crucial stage like this!

Steven Keaton: I guess Alex is right.

Mallory Keaton: For once.

Elyse Keaton: We sure have done a lot of living in this kitchen..

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Mallory Keaton: If these old walls could talk, the things they’d say!

Steven Keaton: [ as fake beard starts to droop off ] Remember that time you were going to elope with Nick, and I got really upset?

[ flashback to the same kitchen at an earlier time ]

Elyse Keaton: I just cannot believe you two are eloping!

Mallory Keaton: But I love Nick, Mom..

Steven Keaton: But, Mallory, Nick doesn’t even have a job!

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Nick: Hey-ee, Mr. Keaton, you forget – I’m an artist.

Alex P. Keaton: No, Nick, the problem is we remember you are an artist.

Mallory Keaton: Alex..

Alex P. Keaton: Mallory.. Mallory.. as the teen with the highest potential earning power, I feel it’s my duty to tell you that, you know, if you want to borrow money from in the future, don’t come to me for any loans!

Mallory Keaton: I wouldn’t do that, Alex!

Alex P. Keaton: Oh, yeah? What about the time I lent you money for your first date?!

Steven Keaton: [ chuckles ] Ah, it seems like it was only yesterday..

[ flashback to the same kitchen at another earlier time ]

Elyse Keaton: I can’t believe my little girl is going out on her first date!

Mallory Keaton: But it’s not a real date, Mom, it’s a group date.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Alex P. Keaton: Mom! mom! I can’t believe you’re letting her go!

Mallory Keaton: Alex..

Alex P. Keaton: Mom! Have youmet these guys? Mom, the average 15-year-old boy is a sex-starved animal! I mean, a group date is just a teen euphenism for an orgy!

Elyse Keaton: Alex, I trust your sister.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Steven Keaton: That’s our Jennifer, huh? And to think, not so long ago, we thought Jennifer was gonna die. Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday.

[ flashback to the same kitchen at another earlier time ]

Elyse Keaton: I can’t believe my little Jennifer is gonna die.. I just wish we could be at the hospital..

Mallory Keaton: Mom, you know the doctor said we could do far more good for Jennifer if we’d just stay here in the kitchen.

Elyse Keaton: I suppose so, but I’ll tell you, we’ve had some real memories with Jennifer.

Steven Keaton: Yeah, remember the time we went to Holland, and Jennifer and Mallory were mistaken for international art smugglers, and they chased them all threough the streets of Amsterdam.

Mallory Keaton: Yeah, that was really something!

Alex P. Keaton: Yeah, it sure was!

Steven Keaton: [ sighs ] Oh, boy.. and to think that Jennifer is dying.. Hey, but we’ve had some great times together! Remember the last time we all watched TV together?

Mallory Keaton: Yeah.. we all watched an episode of “The Jeffersons”!

[ flashback to that episode of “The Jeffersons” – George and Weezy are tied to chairs as a crook ransacks the apartment ]

George Jefferson: I wish I had a club right now to hit that crook with! What’s he doing out there, anyway, messing up the place?

Weezy Jefferson: Don’t worry about that, Florence will help me straighten it up. Hey.. remember when we first hired Florence?

[ flash forward to the Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Steven Keaton: Boy, that was some episode of “The Jeffersons”!

Mallory Keaton: It sure was. I can’t help thinking about Jennifer dying, though..

[ the phone rings ]

Elyse Keaton: I’ll get it! [ answers ] Hello? [ turns to family ] It’s the hospital – Jennifer’s not going to die!

[ the Keaton Family rejoice at the good news ]

[ flash forward to previous scene of Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Steven Keaton: We almost lost you, honey. That was a close call.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Elyse Keaton: But I don’t know about this first date business..

Mallory Keaton: Mom..

[ phone rings ]

Alex P. Keaton: [ answers ] Hello? Yeah okay, thanks. Two of the boys have the flu, the first date’s bene cancelled.

Elyse Keaton: Oh, honey.. [ consoles Mallory ]

Mallory Keaton: Mom..

[ flash forward to next scene of Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Elyse Keaton: Boy, that sure was a close call with that first date.

Steven Keaton: Yeah. And now you’re eloping with Nick.

Nick: Hey, hold it, everybody. Hey-ee! While y’all were all reminiscing, I did some thinking. Sorry, Mallory, I just don’t think we’re ready.

Mallory Keaton: You know what, nick? You’re right. [ they hug ]

[ phone rings ]

Alex P. Keaton: [ answers ] Hello? Yeah, we know. He’s reconsidered. Thanks, anyway!

[ flash forward to the original scene of Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Elyse Keaton: Just think, you almost eloped with Nick..

Mallory Keaton: Yeah, it sure was a close call!

Steven Keaton: And now we have to move.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

[ phone rings; Keatons stare at it as the camera pans left ]

[ Justine Bateman steps forward, as the lights are lowered behind her ]

Justine Bateman: I don’t want to give away the ending. This is gonna be on in April. But the phone call was from the company that offered my dad the job, and they.. well.. I don’t want to give it away. We’ll be right back!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Perfect People

Linda…..Justine Bateman
Michael…..Jon Lovitz
Roger…..Phil Hartman
Cindy…..Nora Dunn
Henry…..Dana Carvey
Susan…..Jan Hooks
Kevin…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on a ritzy party, evening ]

[ camera pans across the room of seemingly perfect people, until the focus falls upon a couple standing by the door ]

Linda: Promise we’ll just stay five minutes..

Michael: Okay. But, look, Linda, these are my friends, I want you to talk to them.

Linda: I’m sure they don’t want to talk to me.. come on, let’s go..

Michael: Wait, wait, wait a minute.. why do you think they don’t want to talk to you?

Linda: Because I’m just an art student, they’re all twenty years older than me, much more accomplished, and I can tell they think I’m really stupid.

Michael: That’s a ridiculous accusation!

Linda: I’m serious! I know they’re all thinking I’m just Michael’s silly little bimbo who thinks she’s an artist.. they laugh at me.

Michael: Linda, no one thinks you’re stupid, no one’s laughing at you.

[ they start to walk through the party ]

Linda: The other night, I told your friend Henry that I really liked his Time cover story..

Michael: Yes?

Linda: I remembered it as Newsweek.

Michael: Oh, Linda, look.. it seems like a huge mistake to you, other people don’t even notice!

Linda: You think so?

Michael: Yes. And, besides, it’s pretty egotistical of you to think that all these busy, successful people have the time to sit around discussing the shortcomings of a human being.

Linda: I guess.

Michael: Alright, come on.. look, look.. here’s Roger and Cindy. [ they walk over ] Hey, Roger! Cindy! You remember Linda? [ they acknowledge her ] How’s the research going?

Roger: Oh, I think we’re this close to a cure. Very encouraging!

Michael: That is great!

Roger: [ grabs his coat ] Well, I’m sorry to rush. I’m on my way to the lab – it’s a 20-hour day today, you understand..

Michael: Understood. Hey, good luck!

Roger: Thanks!

[ Michael and Linda walk off ]

Cindy: Roger, before you go.. can you believe how dumb she is?

Roger: [ laughs ] Whoo! Unbelievable! Just the ridiculous way she talks!

Cindy: Oh, I know.. and have you seen her paintings?

Roger: Nooo.. you have? Well, listen, I’ve got to hear about this! Come over here and tell me about it!

[ they move off to the side ]

[ camera zooms in to a couple standing at the bar ]

Henry: So, then she says to me, “I really enjoyed your cover story in Time last week.” [ laughs ] Can you believe that?

Susan: I’m gonna tell you the truth – Ihave heard that story, it’s a classic! Listen, I just got back from Tokyo last night, and I’m off to Munich tomorrow.. but Ican tell you what Iheard about her today..

Henry: [ clears his throat, seeing Michael approach with Linda ] So, I’m, uh.. afraid my, uh.. Op-Ed piece caused quite a bit of a stir..

Michael: Henry! Susan! Hi! You remember Linda?

Henry: Oh, yes.. of course.

Linda: You know, Henry, I did read your Op-Ed piece in, uh.. in the New York Times.. and you made a great point!

Henry: Yeah. Uh.. I think you mean the Washington Post.

Linda: Oh.. right.

Michael: Hey, congratulations on that Pulitzer. I’ll see you next week?

Henry: Alright. [ Michael and Linda walk off ] You know, I’ve thought about it and thought about it.. and I’m still not sure I have her pegged yet. I mean, she’s definitelty stupid and untalented, but isn’t there also something.. sort of..

Kevin: [ pokes hid head in ] Are you talking about Michael’s little bimbo?

Susan: What else?

Kevin: I’ve been out of the country for a while, I’m not competely up on her, so fill me in.

Henry: Alright, alright.. get this: I had a cover story in Newsweek..

Kevin: [ laughing ] Oh, the Newsweek thing! Bob Fed-exed me about that! It’s hysterical, man!

Susan: Look, I’ve invited Michael and his silly little bimbo to dinner on Thursday night – I think it will be extremely entertaining!

Kevin: Oh, boy.. I’m under the gun this week, but, uh.. I’m not gonna miss this!

Susan: [ laughing ] Can you believe what she’s wearing?

Henry: Oh, please.. that’s a completely complete and separate topic. Listen, I’ve gotta get back to the office, I’ve got a big deadline to meet.. but I’m gonna think about Linda a little further, and I should have some thoughts on her a little later. Why don’t you call me?

Susan: Okay.

[ camera shifts to Michael and Linda at the door, as they preapre to leave the party ]

Michael: Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

Linda: I guess not, but I still don’t think your friends really like me..

Michael: Well, Miss Paranoid, for your information, Susan invited us to a dinner party. And don’t think she invited you as a joke!

[ they exit the party ]

Cindy: [ stands in the center of the room and taps a fork on the side of her wine glass ] Okay, everybody, Michael just left with her – who wants to go first?

[ everyone in the room quickly raise their hands, eager to tell their amusing anecdotes about Linda ]

[ fade to black ]

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  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Justine Bateman’s Monologue

…..Justine Bateman

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Justine Bateman!

Justine Bateman: Thanks! Thanks – you know, I’m really glad to be here – I’m really glad to be here on Valentine’s Day, because it’s my favorite holiday. And, uh, not that this day doesn’t have its problems. I mean ,what do you get a guy for Valentine’s Day? I mean, guys are lucky – they can give a girl flowers, or candy, or jewelry, or.. or a car. Or an.. incredibly expensive car. But, what do you give them? Because guys are so easily embarrassed, you know? I mean, I remember the very first valentine I gave to a very special boy. He, uh, looked at me, and, uh, he looked at the valetine; his friends laughed, and he ran away. And I felt very sad. But he came up to me after recess, and he, uh, he handed me a frog. And, I don’t know if he kept my valentine, but I-I-I still have that frog. It’s in my room, it’s hanging on my wall. Well, now it looks like, uh, one of those dried peppers that you see in the windows of Mexican restaurants. Yeah.

But, you know, have you ever heard the real story of Valentine’s Day? It’s wonderful. St. Valentine was a priest in ancient Rome. He was a simple man who believed in the power of love. And he went against the Roman law to perform secret marriages for the soldiers and their sweethearts. Now, when Emporer Claudius found out what the priest was doing, he became so angry that he imprisoned the man, tortured him, cut off his hands and hung them on the city gates, where they remained until they looked like.. well.. those little red peppers that you see in the windows of Mexican restaurants. He died on February 14th, and that’s why we call it St. Valentine’s Day. Isn’t that a beautiful story? I love it. [ audience applauds ] But.. it’s – except for that torture part. And that part about cutting off the hands. And the death part.

Anyway – I think, tonight, you should watch the show with somebody that you love. and if you don’t have anyone, I’ll be your Valentine. We’ve got a great show. We’ve got Terence Trent D’arby, so stick around, we’ll be right back. [ turns to face the band ] Guys, play me a love song!

[ the SNL Band accomodates Justine by playing a jazzy instrumental version of “La-La Means I Love You” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Goodnights

…..Justine Bateman

Justine Bateman: Well, was that a great show or what! Thank you for watching, I had a great time! Come back next week! Good night, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Derek Stevens in Love

Derek Stevens…..Dana Carvey
Girlfriend…..Justine Bateman

[FADE IN on a tastefully decorated living room. Derek enters from the left and talks into a red “trimline” telephone.]

Derek: [in a heavy British accent] Hello, Michael? Michael, it’s me, Derek! Yes, Derek Stevens! That’s right! Well, I know ya haven’t heard from me in five years, but I’ve called to tell you that I’ve gotten over th’ block! Yes, I’m writing again, in fact, I can’t stop at all! I’m turnin’ out tune after tune, it’s fabulous! Well, y’know, they’re pretty much ballads, but… [pauses] Y’know, what it is, is, I’ve met this girl, y’know, and I think I’m in love with her. Wait–Michael, can you hear this? Hold on a second.

[Derek quickly puts the phone and receiver on top of an upright piano. He sits down and starts playing power ballad chords.]

Derek: [ singing ]
She stops me,
She moves me,
She scorns me and approves me,
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BABY,
SHE’S MY LITTLE BABY… “

[He jumps back up and picks up the phone again.]

Derek: I mean, what d’ya think, Michael, I mean, it’s fabulous, right? Right, it’s a bigger hit than “Choppin’ Broccoli” ever was! [pauses] Yes, and I’ve got lots more just like that! All right! We’ll talk! We’ll talk!

[He starts playing another chord.]

Derek: [singing] “We’re gonna talk! We’re goin’ to talk…”

[ENTER his girlfriend, looking frazzled and cradling a green mug in her hands.]

Derek: [into phone] Ciao, baby! [hangs up and turns to her] Good morning, love.

Girlfriend: Good morning–Derek, before we go any further, get away from the piano.

Derek: Right!

Girlfriend: Come, sit somewhere else–

[Derek rushes over and sits down right next to her, almost on her lap.]

Girlfriend: Don’t, no, no, NO! NOT on top of me–BACK, over there, somewhere, somewhere. Sit.

[She pushes him away, and he plops down in a canvas chair.]

Girlfriend: Derek? I want you to move out. It’s not working.

Derek: Oh, but it IS working. In two weeks I’ve known you, I’ve written over 139 songs.

[soft laughter]

Girlfriend: I know, I know, I know, I know. [stands up] Get out.

Derek: But I CAN’T get out, there’s a giant chemistry here. It’s like a humongous, monstrous, out-of-control vibe! Can’t you feel it? Remember last night when walked into the kitchen and threw that entire set of dishes at me? D’you remember that?

Girlfriend: I apologize.

Derek: No! DON’T apologize, just listen, listen!

[He turns back to the piano and starts playing again as she looks strung out.]

Derek: [ singing ]
“She comes in unexpected,
And I stand unprotected,
And it comes flyin’ at me.
Her love comes FA-LY-IN’ at meeeee.
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BABY,
She my little baby, hey, heyyyyy!”

Derek: [turns back to her] Don’t you see? You are MAGIC! You’re magic–you’re my Muse! Don’t you understand? I mean, every millenium, the gods open a porthole in the heavens, and a Muse descends to help out a mortal. Did you ever see the movie “Xanadu”?

Girlfriend: [looks clueless] My cable must have been out.

Derek: Well, in this film, Olivia Newton-John is sent by the gods to earth to help Gene Kelly open a roller rink. Don’t ya see? You’re sent to help my career get back on track!

Girlfriend: No, no, look, I had no idea who you were–I’ve never heard your records! A FRIEND told me you used to be Derek Stevens.

Derek: [gravely] Because of you, I’m going to live to be thirty.

Girlfriend: [stands up] Oh, please, I can’t accept that responsibility. Listen–Derek, listen to me, there’s something I have to say. It–this isn’t love. This is over. Okay? And you’re going to have to go on your way.

Derek: “You’re going to have to go on your way.”

Girlfriend: Yes.

Derek: “You–you–you’re going to have to go on your way.”

Girlfriend: Yes!

Derek: [steps toward piano] “You’re going to have to go on your way.”

Girlfriend: NOOOO!

Derek: [ singing ]
“I listened to my lover,
There was nothing more to say.
‘This is a love that’s over,
And you have to go away.'”

[She walks to the window, throws the shutters open, and grabs her hair in disgust. He watches her and keeps picking chords.]

Derek:
“Then she ran her ivory fingers
Through her flowing sable hair.”

[She steps away from him and stands still.]

Derek:
“And then she turned her back on me
As if I wasn’t there.
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BAAA-BY,
She’s my little BAAA-BY…”

[She drifts away and presses her hands to her face.]

Derek: [turns back to her] Look at you! Look–we–I mean, you don’t even know you’re doin’ it, do you? I mean, inspiration goes through you, goes into my head, and the music just bloody pours right out o’ me!

Girlfriend: I know. And you get it on EVERYTHING. Derek, hear this: I’m going for a walk, and when I come back, you won’t be here.

Derek: You’re going for a walk… “And when I come back, you won’t be here.” I’ll be gone.

Girlfriend: Yes.

Derek: Gone.

Girlfriend: Yes.

Derek: [turns back to piano] Gone.

Girlfriend: NOOOO!

Derek: Gone.

[He starts playing more chops.]

Girlfriend: [covering her ears] Ohhh!

Derek: “She’s picking up her coat and purse…”

[She slams the door behind her on the way out.]

Derek: “And now she’s in the hall…”

[sound of breaking glass]

Derek:
“From the noise, she must have broken
Something on the wall.”

[He plays a few more chops before changing chords. Still playing, he stands up and cranes his neck to look out the window. CUT to Derek seen from outside as he nudges the piano closer to the windowsill.]

Derek: “She’s on the sidewalk now,
She crossed the street…”

Girlfriend: [screaming from below] SHUT UUUUUUUUP!!!!!

Derek: “She says, ‘Shut up.'”

[He plays a few more “chopsticks” chords and keeps peering out the window.]

Derek:
“She’s movin’ through the street,
With her tiny feet,
She’s getting smaller now,
She’s getting really smalllllll…”

[He inches away from the piano, raises up his leg, and starts hitting random, unmelodious keys with his foot.]

Derek:
“She’s getting very tiny,
She’s my tiny babyyy…
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little tiny babyyy.
She’s getting tiny,
She turned the corner!”

[Derek abruptly quits and turns around in consternation.]

Derek: Oh, my God. I’m blocked.

[PAN back slowly over applause, then FADE to the Saturday Night Live Band.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts