Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 15

99o: The Rock / AC/DC

Clark Kent

Jimmy Olsen … Jimmy Fallon
Lois Lane … Molly Shannon
Perry White … Chris Parnell
Clark Kent … The Rock

[Music: a variation on John Williams’ “Superman”theme. It’s about 3:20 PM in the fictional city ofMetropolis. Exterior of a newspaper building marked”Daily Planet.” Dissolve to the Daily Planet newsroomwhere middle-aged editor Perry White, beautiful girlreporter Lois Lane and young photographer Jimmy Olsencrowd around a window, waving to the departingSuperman. We hear the whooshing sound of thewell-known comic book superhero as he flies off but wedo not see him — only some whirling paper caught inhis backdraft.]

Jimmy Olsen: Bye, Superman!

Lois Lane: Bye!

Perry White: Bye!

[Lois, Jimmy and Perry retreat from thewindow.]

Lois Lane: Ah, well, there goesSuperman.

Jimmy Olsen: Yeah. You know what thatmeans.

Lois Lane: Yeah.

Perry White: Uh huh. Here we go again. [checkshis wristwatch] And – five, four, three, two…

Clark Kent: [enters as if on cue] Hello,everybody.

[Kent is, of course, Superman — very poorly disguisedas a bespectacled mild-mannered reporter in aconservative gray suit: the blue sleeves of hisSuperman outfit stick out from under his white shirtsleeves, part of his red cape sticks out from hiscollar, the red “S” insignia on his chest can be seenthrough his thin white shirt front, his necktie isaskew, etc.]

Lois, Jimmy and Perry: [tired sing-song, as ifthey’ve said this a thousand times] Hi, Clark!

Clark Kent: Gosh, I’m sorry I had to step outso suddenly. I just had to, uhhhh …

Perry White: [to Lois and Jimmy] This isgonna be good.

Clark Kent: I just had to go down to the, uh,mail place and, uh, uh, mail some of my mail.

Perry White: Oh, ho, of course you did!

Lois Lane: Mmmm.

Clark Kent: Say, I didn’t happen to missSuperman again, did I?

[Lois, Jimmy and Perry can barely keep from crackingup with laughter at their own ironiccomments:]

Jimmy Olsen: Yeah, yeah. You sure missed him.Imagine that.

Lois Lane: Boy, it’s a shame you keep missingSuperman, Clark. You know, maybe you’d get a chance tomeet him if we could only figure out – his secretidentity! [giggles as Perry and Jimmy try not tochortle]

Perry White: Oh, good luck on that one, Lois!You know, whoever Superman is, one thing’s for sure –the guy is undoubtedly a master of disguise![giggles]

Clark Kent: That’s right. Yes, I – I think – Ithink you’re right. We’ll probably never know whoSuperman is. Now, if you’ll excuse me, everyone — I,Clark Kent, have to get back to work.

Perry White: You do that.

Jimmy Olsen: Okie-doke.

Lois Lane: You do that. Okie-dokie!

[Kent retreats to his desk, allowing us a glimpse ofhis bright red socks. Lois, Jimmy and Perry snickerand confer quietly on the opposite side of the room asKent sits and works at his typewriter.]

Lois Lane: What – a – bonehead!

Perry White: You said it! This guy is reallynot pulling off this whole “Clark Kent”routine!

Lois Lane: Mmm. Well, at least, he iscalling himself “Clark Kent” now. I mean, rememberwhen he first got here, he was calling himself “SupeR. Mann”?

Jimmy Olsen: Yeah! He had – he had all hispaychecks sent to the Fortress of Solitude!

Perry White: Hey, hey, you wanna see somethingfunny? Watch this. [clears his throat, calls to Kent]Hey, Clark! How’s that story coming overthere?

Clark Kent: Oh, it’s comin’ along fine, Mr.White.

Perry White: Oh, and, uh, how long do you thinkit’s gonna be, Superman?

Clark Kent: Well, after I make a few cuts, I–Uh, er, that is– [looks around] Is Superman here?’Cuz I’m not Supe– er … Yeesh! [nervously runs afinger under his collar]

Perry White: Oh, did I say “Superman”? My bad.[chuckles] I meant “Clark,” of course. Ah, carry on,Clark!

[Kent goes back to typing as Lois, Jimmy and Perryconfer quietly again.]

Jimmy Olsen: God, that was weak, man. Maybehe’s serious with this thing, you know?

Lois Lane: See, that’s what I’m saying! Look atthis column that he wrote. [picks up a newspaper] Um,okay … [reads aloud] “In south Metropolis yesterday,an unidentified man was shot seven times. Sources atthe scene say the bullets did not bounce off hischest, um, er, not that they should on ordinary humanslike us.” [Perry sighs] I mean, couldn’t he have justedited that out?

Perry White: Let me see that. [takes newspaper,reads aloud] “The victim could have avoided being shotif only he were faster than a speeding bullet, likeme. Dot, dot, dot. Oh, man, you’re doing it again.Play it cool, Superman, play it cool.” [throws thepaper down in disbelief] Well, that’s just plainlazy.

Jimmy Olsen: And it’s – it’s terriblereporting. How come we – How come we’ve not fired himyet?

Lois Lane: Oh, give him a break. He’s saved theentire city hundreds of times!

Jimmy Olsen: Doesn’t mean he’s a joy to havearound the office. I mean, the guy’s really a slob.

Perry White: Yeah, apparently, fighting forTruth, Justice and the American Way doesn’t includeflushing when you’re done in the can.

Jimmy Olsen: Amen. I swear, if I gotta go inthere one more time and see one of his brown”kryptonite chunks” floatin’ around … Not cool, notcool.

Lois Lane: Hey, let’s go screw withhim.

Perry White: Right on.

[Mischievously, Lois, Jimmy and Perry join Kent at hisdesk.]

Lois Lane: Say, there, uh, Clark. That waspretty amazing how, uh, Superman destroyed that meteortoday, huh?

Clark Kent: Well, I wouldn’t know, Lois. I wasnowhere nearby. [chuckles]

Jimmy Olsen: Uh, y– Hey, yeah and it’s alsoweird that that guy, uh, Superman is a full-on,out-of-the-closet homosexual.

Clark Kent: Well, that’s what they say– Oh,wha–? What? Huh? Wa – wait a minute. [chuckles]Superman isn’t gay!

Lois Lane: Oh, sure he is.

Jimmy Olsen: Real gay.

Clark Kent: No, no. Now, wait. I always heardhe was pretty manly.

Perry White: Oh, ho ho! No way! You getSuperman in a truck stop men’s room, you won’t needkryptonite to bring him to his knees.

Clark Kent: Hey, hey, hey! Come on! Really!Superman isn’t gay! Sure, he experimented alittle back in Smallville …

[Lois, Jimmy and Perry try to suppress theirlaughter.]

Jimmy Olsen: [to Lois and Perry] I was justmakin’ that up, I swear!

Lois Lane: [to Jimmy] Shut up, shut up!

Clark Kent: … but that doesn’t make himgay.

Perry White: [trying to keep a straight face,clears his throat] Hey, everybody, I just heard overthe police scanner, a tobacco store downtown has”Prince Albert in a Can”!

Clark Kent: [genuinely alarmed] Someone’skidnapped the prince? [catches himself] Uh, er, er…Boy! [fakes a yawn] I’m tired. I – I – I think that Iwill, uh, I’ll go to bed now. [rises, grabs hat andcoat and heads for the exit]

Lois Lane: Okay, then, Clark. Well, we’ll tellyou what happened to the prince.

Clark Kent: [pauses in the doorway,reassuringly] Oh, I think he’ll be just fine, Lois.[puts on his ill-fitting reporter’s hat] Justfine.

[Kent exits. Lois, Jimmy and Perry bust out laughing.Music: dramatic pseudo-“Superman” theme. Cut tospinning newspaper — the front page headline on theDaily Planet reads: SUPERMAN MURDERS INNOCENTTOBACCONIST. An accompanying photo shows a shruggingSuperman.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 15

99o: The Rock / AC/DC

The Goombahs

Italian Guy…..The Rock
Italian Woman…..Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: “The Sopranos”. The most critically acclaimed show on television. At least it was, until Showtime came up with it’s own new original series:

“The Goombahs”!

It’s about family..

[ show Italian Guy eating in an Italian restaurant, as “That’s Amore” plays in the background ]

Italian Guy: Meatsa-ballsa!

Announcer: Betrayal..

Italian Guy: That’s a good-a sauce-a!

Announcer: Loyalty..

Italian Guy: Meatsa-ballsa!

Announcer: And Italian people.

[ show Italian Guy talking to another Italian Guy ]

Italian Guy: Yo! Vinnie!

Announcer: A stunning original new series, available only on Showtime.

[ show Italian Guy and Italian Woman arguing ]

Italian Woman: What’s-a matter with you!

Italian Guy: What’s-a matter with you!

Italian Woman: What’s-a matter with you!

Italian Guy: What’s-a matter with you!

Italian Woman: What’s-a matter with you!

Italian Guy: Meatballs-a!

Announcer: The Goombahs. Television at its finest. And its most Italian.

Only on Showtime. Sandwiched between that black show and Team.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 15


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 18th, 2000

The Rock

AC/DC

None

Vince McMahon

Triple H

Mick Foley

Big Show

Hugh Fink

Lorne Michaels

Dennis McNicholas
Vince McMahon’s RulesSummary: Backstage, Vince McMahon goes over the rules with Mick Foley, Triple H, and Big Show.

Recurring Characters: Mango.

Montage

The Rock’s MonologueSummary: Mick Foley and Triple H cause a ruckus in the audience during The Rock’s monologue.

Uncle Jemima’s Mash LiquorSummary: Drunken Uncle Jemima (Tracy Morgan) hawks his homemade booze.

Note: Repeat from 02/05/00.

The Ladies ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) discover that the woman he thought was his true love is actually an undercover cop (The Rock).

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Transcript

Mr. PeepersSummary: Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan) is reunited with his father (The Rock).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.

Morning LatteSummary: Tom Wilkins (Will Ferrell) and Cass van Rye (Cheri Oteri) have foolish fears of The Rock.

Recurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Jasper Hahn (Horatio Sanz) draws illicit pictures of presidential candidates.

Recurring Characters: Jasper Hahn.

Transcript

AC/DC performs “Stiff Upper Lip”

Clark KentSummary: Clark Kent (The Rock) does a poor job of concealing his identity as Superman.

Transcript

The GoombahsTranscript

NicotrelSummary: Nicotrel (The Rock) beats up a smoker (Chris Parnell) to make him quit.

Transcript

Today’s Lady

AC/DC performs “You Shook Me All Night Long”

Colonel Belmont’s Old Fashioned Horse GlueSummary: Langford T. Belmont (Will Ferrell) maintains family tradition of useing the entire horse to make a batch of glue.

Note: Repeat from 01/15/00.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
…..Kevin Brennan

Announcer: And now, from the news capitol of the world, it’s “Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.”

Colin Quinn: Hi, I’m Colin Quinn and here are tonight’s top stories.

With their principle opponents dropping out following this week’s Super Tuesday primaries, Al Gore and George W. Bush have now turned their attention on each other: Starting with Gore, who proposed that he and Bush drop all television ads for the remainder of the race and instead hold twice weekly debates on separate issues. Bush responded, “Any time, any place, as long as you give me directions.”

While Bush won the key states of New York, California, and Ohio on Tuesday, Arizona Senator, John McCain, did win five of the six contests in New England. Or as McCain calls them, the states small enough for you to personally threaten each voter.

Frontrunners Al Gore and George W. Bush now have nothing standing between them and their party’s nominations. And after all, what better candidates to run this year than a couple of zeros?

In the April issue of ‘W’ magazine, Calista Flockhart says that the public unfairly judges women by their appearance, and in that way, she’s in the same boat as Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp. Of course she’s in the same boat. After those two, who else would fit?”

Colin Quinn: And now, with some insight into the Super Tuesday Primaries, “Weekend Update” political correspondent, Kevin Brennan.

Kevin Brennan: Thank you, Colin! So, it looks like we’re down to two candidates – Republican George W. Bush, and Democrat Al Gore. Let’s look at how they’re different:

Gore went to Harvard, whereas Bush went to Yale.

Bush’s father used to be President, but Gore’s father used to be a Senator.

They both served in the military during Vietnam. Gore was a roving reporter who never roved near enemy lines, and Bush served in the Texas National Guard where he did an excellent job keeping the Viet Cong out of Dallas.

They’re also both Soft-Money Whores, who pretend to be Reformers. I personally don’t see much difference. I wanted John McCain.. to punch Bush in the face. That guy’s so annoying! Bush keeps saying he’s a Uniter not a Divider – which is good if the South concedes from the North again. And, as for Al Gore – I count Al Gores when I can’t sleep at night. I’m with Gary Bauer and the rest of the fellows – the Primaries are fun, thinking maybe the underdog can win, but now reality has set in. It’s Bush and Gore. If you’re gonna vote for Bush and Gore, you might as well vote for me! I’m a white guy! I went to St. Joe’s, the Harvard of the senior colleges! I saw as much combat in Vietnam as they did! I’m a Soft-Money Whore! They call my father “The Senator” down at Fat Tony’s Bar & Grille! It’s all true! And I’ll tell you something else – if I’m elected President, I’ll make *NSYNC’s Justin Timberlake Secretary of the Adorable. [ teen audience applauds wildly ] I’m also an Applause Whore. Back to you, Colin.

Colin Quinn: Kevin Brennan, everybody!

The annual Mardi Gras celebration took place in New Orleans Tuesday night. “Mardi Gras” is a French word which means “Fat Tuesday” and is the day that marks the beginning of Lent. “Lent” is also a French word, which means “Rehab”.

Despite massive protests in the state capital this week, Florida Governor, Jeb Bush, brother of George W. Bush, stood by his commitment to ban racial and gender preferences in university admission and state contracting. Bush, of course, believes that preference should not be based on race or gender but rather on family influence and financial backing.

Broadcaster, Boomer Esiason, was fired Wednesday from ABC’s “Monday Night Football”, and a replacement has not yet been named. Network executives however, do expect Frank Gifford to beg for his old job back now that Kathie Lee will be around the house more.

Darva Conger, the bride from Fox’s “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire”, this week filed for an annulment of her marriage to Rick Rockwell, saying that the union was a mistake and that Rockwell never mentioned that he has a history of problems with women. And you think you know somebody.

And Bethany Tosh, an Arkansas beauty queen, surrendered her crown this week, after being convicted of drunken driving. A drunken Arkansas beauty queen down on her luck – who wants to see that?
[ flash on picture of President Clinton giving the thumbs-up ]

Colin Quinn: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Good night, and thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Wedding Singers

Groom…..Joshua Jackson
Wedding Singer #1…..Will Ferrell
Wedding Singer #2…..Horatio Sanz
Bride…..Molly Shannon

Groom: [hitting glass to propose toast] Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention please. First of all, I would just like to take the time to sincerely thank everyone for coming today. But, before we go any further, I would like to give a toast to my beautiful, beautiful wife Denise. [applauding by guests] Honey, its hard to believe we only met three years ago.

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

Groom: Guys, guys, guys

Wedding Singer #1: Sorry, way too early

Wedding Singer #2: Our bad, sorry about that

Wedding Singer #1: Sorry, man

Groom: Anyway, Denise, when I look back at the three years we’ve known each other, I realize that I am the luckiest guy in the world.

Bride: Awww, sweetie

Groom: In fact–

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

Wedding Singer #1: I know, too early again, sorry.

Wedding Singer #2: A little trigger happy, we’ll get it.

Wedding Singer #1: We’ll get it.

Groom: As I was saying honey–

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

Groom: OH, C’MON! Did you listen to anything I said? I mean really, when to come in, any of that?

Bride: Honey, did you actually pick that song, because you know that’s really not our song.

Groom: No, of course I didn’t. Guys, you were supposed to play the Louie Armstrong song.

Wedding Singer #1: Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wedding Singer #2: No way man, no way man.

Wedding Singer #1: Listen, you told us very clearly over the phone that you wanted I Just, in parentheses, Died in Your Arms Tonight, by the Cutting Crew, and I will take that to the GRAVE with me!

Groom: Honey, I didn’t pick that song. Why would I pick that song?

Wedding Singer #2: Well, it doesn’t matter what ya say, because I wrote it down on a piece of paper.

Wedding Singer #1: Yes, he did, which he is getting now. And you will be very sorry, he has it.

Wedding Singer #2: Here it is.

Wedding Singer #1: Very sorry, indeed.

Wedding Singer #2: Here we go.

Wedding Singer #1: Here we go.

Wedding Singer #2: [unfolds paper and reads:] “Peter Schenkel wedding”

Wedding Singer #1: I believe thats you, ok.

Wedding Singer #2: [continues reading:] “2:45 PM”, which is right about now, “please play Louie Armstrong song after I have completed my toast and cued you by saying, ‘Hit it guys’.”

Wedding Singer #1: We apologize, that’s not the way we like to do business. I’m sorry everyone had to see that.

Wedding Singer #2: Sorry ’bout that.

Groom: You know what, could you just play the Louie Armstrong song, and we’ll continue.

[awkward pause]

Wedding Singer #2: We don’t know it.

Wedding Singer #1: We just learned the Cutting Crew song.

Groom: Oh, You’ve got to be kidding me!

Wedding Singer #1: Hey, we messed up! We don’t know the song. Yelling at us is not gonna make us know it.

Wedding Singer #2: [angry] And let me let you in on a little somethin’. I have anger control problems! So, I suggest you grow up and learn some manners!

Groom: I paid you guys an extra 600 dollars to learn that song.

Wedding Singer #1: Fine, would it help if we gave the money back?

Groom: Yes, it would!

Wedding Singer #1: Cause we don’t have it!

Wedding Singer #2: Spent it, long time ago! We spent it a long, long time ago!

Wedding Singer #1: As soon as we got your check we blew it, hard!

Wedding Singer #2: Spent it, and blew it!

Groom: SHUT UP! YA KNOW, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE!

Wedding Singer #1: EVERYONE NEEDS TO SHUT UP!

Wedding Singer #2: SHUT UP!

Groom: YOU GUYS SHUT UP!

Wedding Singer #1: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Groom: YOU’VE RUINED MY WEDDING!

Bride: Honey, just sit down, and relax, and let them play the Cutting Crew song.

Wedding Singer #2: BEST IDEA I HEARD ALL DAY!

Groom: Fine, ok, yeah, fine. That’s great. You guys go crazy.

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

[awkward pause]

Wedding Singer #1: That’s it, that’s all we know.

Wedding Singer #2: Sorry, dude.

[Groom jumps over table to attack singers, as they escape.]

Submitted by: Ben Brophy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Newsmen Phone Chat

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Bernard Shaw…..Tim Meadows
…..Molly Shannon

[ open on exterior, Ted Koppel’s townhouse, evening, as his phone rings ]

[ dissolve to interior, Ted’s bathroom, where he sits in a relaxing bubble bath ]

Ted Koppel: [ shakes bubbles off his hand, then answers the phone ] Hello. Ted Koppel here. [ his tug of the receiver knocks the rest of the phone to the floor ]

[ split-screen to reveal Ted on the left, Tom Brokaw seated in his study on the right ]

Tom Brokaw: What’s up, Ted? It’s me, Tom Brokaw.

Ted Koppel: [ imitating the Budweiser commercials ] Whasssup?!

Tom Brokaw: Whassupp?!

Ted Koppel: Whasssup?!

Tom Brokaw: Whassupp?! [ pauses, sighs ] Well.. the primaries are over.

Ted Koppel: Ah, it looks like Bush and Gore, don’t it?

Tom Brokaw: Yes, it does – Bush and Gore. Gore and Bush. Three more months. We are screwed!

Ted Koppel: Royally, my friend. Royally. We are facing eight months of a news drought, the likes of which we’ve never seen.

Tom Brokaw: Well, at least you can put Cokie Roberts in your seat and claim you’re on “vacation.” I got no way out – the ratings are gonna plummet.

Ted Koppel: Hey, don’t you think I know that. I can barely look at those two any more. I mean, they really put me off my eggs, Tom! I swear to God, Al Gore’s head looks like a pressed ham! I’m not kidding. And how about that weasely little mouth on George Bush? Looks like a tear in a vinyl hemmorhoid cushion.

Tom Brokaw: I’m scared, Ted. For the firsttime in my life, I’m really scared.

Ted Koppel: Tom, I’m not freakin’ Sly Stallone over here, either. Face it – it’s Gore.. and it’s Bush.

Tom Brokaw: Good God! We are TOAST!! Game over, man! GAME OVER!!

Ted Koppel: Oh, man. You know, at least we only have to do a half-hour a day. The guys at CNN are crappin’ in their drawers.

Tom Brokaw: You know it! Hey, hold on – let me call my buddy, Bernard Shaw on three-way. I’m gonna put you on hold for a sec.

Ted Koppel: Alright.

[ cut to single-screen shot of Tom as he dials the third line ]

[ cut to split-screen to reveal Bernard Shaw answering his cell phone on the left, Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” starting up in the background ]

Bernard Shaw: Hello.

Tom Brokaw: Bernard. It’s the Bro-man. Whassupp?!

Bernard Shaw: Whassssupp?! [ a beat ] I’m just watching “Money Line” and havin’ a buzz. Whassup with you?

Tom Brokaw: Ah, you know – same old, same old. I got Koppel on the line.

Bernard Shaw: Yeah? Put that ol’ fathead on!

[ single-screen of Tom pressing his phone buttons ]

Tom Brokaw: Hey, Ted. I got Bernard Shaw on the line.

[ cut to triple split-screen of Ted on the left, Tom in the middle, Bernard on the right rolling a doobie ]

Ted Koppel: Hey, Bernard. I guess you guys over there CNN must be pretty mad over this whole Bush-Gore thing.

Bernard Shaw: No, not really. You know how it is over here on cable. [ licks his doobie paper ]

Tom Brokaw: Dammit, Shaw-shank! How can you be so relaxed?! Watching this election go down without McCain, is like watching porno with your hands tied behind your back. Not fun at all!

Ted Koppel: Yeah – these guys make George, Sr. and Dukakis look like a biker orgy!

Bernard Shaw: [ chuckles ] Hey, guys, take it easy, alright? I suggest you sit back, put on some tunes, and light up a fattie. [ smokes his homemade joint, as a scantily-clad Molly Shannon pounces onto his bed with champagne glasses ] Ohhh, hey! Thanks, Sugar.

Molly Shannon: Here you go. Who are you on the phone with?

Bernard Shaw: Oh, I’m talking to Ted Koppel and Brokaw. [ into the phone ] Look, fellas, what can we do? It’s Gore by 10% in November.

Tom Brokaw: Uh, Bernard – did we call you at a bad time?

Bernard Shaw: [ laughs ] No, it’s cool! I’m just relaxin’ with m’lady!

Tom & Ted: Hello, Molly.

Molly Shannon: Hey, how you guys doin’? Sorry about the primaries.

Tom Brokaw: Well, it can’t be any easier for you and that bunch of cut-ups over at SNL.

Molly Shannon: Oh, you got that, right, Tom. No one cares about Bush and Gore. Besides, Darrell Hammond does a really lousy Al Gore!

Ted Koppel: [ defensive ] Whoa-oh! Well, I, for one, don’t think it’s so bad, Molly Shannon.

Tom Brokaw: Hey, guys, I’ve got an idea: why don’t we all agree to really take hold of the issues? Get out there and do some investigative reporting. Old-fashioned news. SCREW the ratings!!

[ all three men laugh joyously ]

Everyone: “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Joshua Jackson’s Monologue

…..Joshua Jackson

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Joshua Jackson!

Joshua Jackson: I’ve gotta say, it is great to be here in New York City! My name is Joshua Jackson, I play Pacey on the show “Dawson’s Creek”, in case you didn’t know.

Now, if you are a teenage girl, I’m fairly confident you’ve heard of me, and also, the musical guest, N*Sync. And, if you’re the parent of a teenage girl, you might vaguely know who I am. And, if you’re a man in his forties who doesn’t have kids but still volunteers to coach Little League.. you definitely know who I am, and, please, please, stop sending me letters.

Okay, but I really want to talk to people who aren’t familiar with my work or N*Sync, and I just want to say to them – we’re gonna do a great show, just give us a chance! Especially you hipsters in your mid-twenties, who think you’re too cool to watch tonight’s show. I mean, come on, get off your high horse, okay? I mean, think back, ten years ago, how excited you would have been if Jason Priestly and Color Me Badd would have been on the show – you loved it! And that’s what this is like!

And, if you’re in your thirties, think back fifteen years ago – it’s like if Kirk Cameron hosted and Frankie Goes To Hollywood was the musical guest. I know that doesn’t sound god, but, for some reason, in the mid-eighties, it was.

And, if you were a teenager when the show first started, think how you felt when you found out that John Travolta and ABBA were on the show, right? That sounds like a great show, but it never happened! That’s just how you remembered it. Because you always remember this stuff as better than it was. This is the show they actually had:

[ cut to fake footage of the 1978 season opening montage ]

Don Pardo V/O: Tonight’s musical guest: Foghat. And your host: Epstein, from “Welcome Back, Kotter”.

[ cut back to Joshua Jackson’s monologue ]

Joshua Jackson: And that was a great show! And that’s what I’m trying to tell you people! We have a great show tonight – *NSYNC is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Goodnights

…..Joshua Jackson

Joshua Jackson: I’d like to say thanks to *NSYNC! And Badal Roy! [ audience cheers ] Happy birthday, Rob Cohen! And hi to all the guys out at North Carolina! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Let’s Talk Books

Moderator…..Will Ferrell
Karen Holsbrook…..Ana Gasteyer
Kevin Henchey…..Joshua Jackson
Professor Carl Lenz…..Tim Meadows

Moderator: Welcome to “Let’s Talk Books”. Homer, Dante, Shakespeare.The great canon of world literature. Is it still worth teaching on collegecampuses in this age of multiculturalism? Or is it time we open thecurriculum to other kinds of literature? With me, here to discuss thechanging politics behiund curriculum in our colleges – from TempleUniversity, Karen Holsbrook; Kevin Henchey, a frequent contributor toThe Nation; and joining us from Yale University, Professor Carl Lenz.Welcome, all of you. Um.. Professor Holsbrook, I want to start with you.Let’s say I have a child entering college next Fall. Will he be readingShakespeare?

Karen Holsbrook: [ light laugh ] I certainly hope so. No one’sarguing that we throw out the great writers. But, clearly, it’s time thatwe open the door to other writers who are not often associated with the”great” works.

Moderator: Like, Zora Neil Herston, or Toni Morrison?

Karen Holsbrook: Mmm hmm. Also, Ida Paxton Freely..

Moderator: I’m sorry? I’m not familiar with her work..

Karen Holsbrook: The Yellow River? By I.P. Freely?

Moderator: Oh. Of course. I.P. Freely. Didn’t she also writeLights Out at the Boys School?

Kevin Henchey: [ interrupting ] No, no.. Lights Out at the BoysSchool was written by a husband-and-wife team – Holden & Sharon Dix.

Moderator: Ah. Holden and Sharon Dix. I always confuse them withthe East German writer – Lotta Cox. But are these the kind ofwriters we’re talking about? Dix? Cox?

Karen Holsbrook: I’m glad you mentioned Lotta Cox. The Diary ofa Hooker would make any new list of great nooks.

Kevin Henchey: Oh, I agree. But you might also include Through aBrown, Darkly, by Ilene Dover on that list. But something we reallyhaven’t hit upon is the relunctance to include Asian literature in thisargument. I don’t know how you could overlook one of the greats of theWest – Stain on the Great Wall, by Hoo Flung Poo. Or, of course,there’s always How to Make $30, by Chu Sum Wang.

Moderator: Okay. Well, that really is the meat of the matter. Dowe include Chu Sum Wang? Professor Lenz, I see you’re shaking your head.

Professor Carl Lenz: No, I mean, that’s just it. You can’t includeeverything. I mean, do we need Homosexuality in Irish Culture, byMichael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael? I don’t think so. Last weekI asked my students what they wanted to read, and it was Shakespeare. NotThe Tiger’s Revenge, by some obscure French author.

Kevin Henchey: [ helping ] Claude Balls.

Professor Carl Lenz: What?

Kevin Henchey: You’re referring to The Tiger’s Revenge, byClaude Balls. An excellent writer on par with Dick Gosinia, or the Greekwriter, Harry Paratesties.

Karen Holsbrook: Paratesties is certainly on par with Ballsor Cox. Absolutely. Now, I read a scathing indictment of drugs andprofessional sports, called Under the Bleachers, by Seymour Butz.

Kevin Henchey: Exactly. I think it’s really non-fiction like thisthat we need to be looking at. I taught a seminar at Duke University,where we read Richard Sawyer and Alan Bush’s fascinating study of voyeurism..

Karen Holsbrook: Mmm hmm. The Sawyer-Bush Report.

Kevin Henchey: Yes. Yes. And, from there, we segue-wayed into aninteresting report on the Stonewall Riots, authored by Harrison Butz andRandall Dixon.

Moderator: Oh, I love Dixon-Butz.

Professor Carl Lenz: We all love Dixon-Butz. But does thatmean we should grant them immediate status in the pantheon of greatliterature? I mean, what happens to Charles Dickins or Andre de Balsac?

Kevin Henchey: Oh, who cares? Really, truly? I prefer Dixon-Butzto Balsac. I mean, who wants Balsac shoved in your face?

Moderator: Actually, if truth be told, I can’t think of nothing I’drather do on a cold, wintry night, than curl up with a leathery, musky oldBalsac. And I think we can all agree on that. [ everyone agrees ] Well,that’s about all the time we have here on “Let’s Talk Books”. Join us nextweek, when we’ll be discussing Venereal Disease & its Effects”, byMaya P. Burns and Dick Hertz.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 11th, 2000

Joshua Jackson

*NSYNC

None

Badal Roy

The Statler Brothers
Newsmen Phone ChatSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond), Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) and Bernard Shaw (Tim Meadows) express their dismay in the probability of a Bush and Gore election.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Tom Brokaw, Bernard Shaw.

Transcript

Montage

Joshua Jackson’s MonologueSummary: Joshua Jackson promises that tonight’s teen-based episode will one day become memorable in retrospect.

Transcript

Hamburger Helper AntibacterialNote: Repeat from 01/08/00.

Regis Co-Host AuditionsSummary: In the wake of Kathie Lee Gifford’s departure, Regis Philbin (Darrell Hammond) auditions for a new sidekick.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Gellman, Star Jones, Barbara Walters, Donny Osmond.

Wedding SingersSummary: A pair of wedding singers just barely know one song: “(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight).”

Transcript

On the Road with the BoysSummary: The members of 7 Degrees Celsius meet their biggest fan (Joshua Jackson).

Recurring Characters: Emily De La Cruz, Sara Therese Longo, Jeph, Samm, Wade, Sweet T, Peter Tanner.

Lez It upSummary: When a group of frat boys make a wish for lesbians, the results are not the wild event they expected.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Writer Kevin Brennan lists the differences between presidential frontrunners George W. Bush and Al Gore.

Transcript

*NSYNC performs “Bye Bye Bye”

Let’s Talk BooksSummary: Panelists discuss a list of bestsellers that are comprised of books with naughty title and author combinations.

Transcript

Collette ReardonSummary: Pill-popping Collette Reardon (Cheri Oteri) visits her nephew’s (Joshua Jackson) prep school.

Recurring Characters: Collette Reardon.

Neil Armstrong: The Ohio YearsSummary: In a film by Adam McKay, Neil Armstrong is obsessed with the memory of walking on the moon.

*NSYNC performs “I Thought She Knew”

Three-Way CoupleSummary: Warren Kirney (Chris Parnell) asks the yardboy (Joshua Jackson) to join him and Fran (Ana Gasteyer) in a three-way.

Recurring Characters: Warren Kirney, Fran Kirney.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts