Announcer…..Darrell Hammond Lead Immigrant…..Molly Shannon Fidel Castro…..Christopher Walken Sandra Millheart…..Ana Gasteyer Elian Gonzalez…..Rachel Dratch Juan Gonzalez…..Chris Kattan Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
OPEN ON: VIDEOTAPE OF THE LION KING GRAPHIC. MUSIC PLAYING UNDER.
Announcer: From the people who brought you The Lion King!
CUT TO: VIDEOTAPE OF AIDA GRAPHIC
Announcer: And the new musical Aida!
INT. BROADWAY STAGE
Mostly black. A bunch of ragtag Cuban immigrants packed in a cheap boat. Thunder and lightning booms behind them.
Announcer: Comes the story of one boy and his fight for freedom!
Immigrants: [singing] “This boats a rockin And it lookin pretty bad We aint gonna make it But we gotta save the lad Save the boy!
Lead Immigrant: [singing]”Save Eliaaaan!”
CUT TO: ELIAN, THE CUBAN BOY! LOGO
Announcer: Elian, The Cuban Boy! With the magnificent Christopher Walken as the evil Fidel!
Fidel Castro: [singing] “One little boy In a tiny little boat Hes making a mockery Of meeeeee! I will catch him And show him Fidel can be meaner Than the sea! Yes Fidel can be meaner Than the sea!”
Castro laughs. SANDRA MILLHEART ENTERS. A spotlight shines on her.
Announcer: and the angelic Sandra Millheart as the kind hearted American relative who risked it all to save a boy
Sandra Millheart: [singing] “This is my boy He belongs to me Im going to steal him If I cant have him legally!”
Announcer: An epic battle between good and evil.
Fidel Castro: [singing] “I want to kill him!”
Sandra Millheart: [singing] “He loves America.”
Fidel Castro: [singing] “Ill stop at nothing!”
Sandra Millheart: [singing] “I took him to Old Navy.”
Fidel Castro: [singing] “Hes gonna be a Commie.”
Sandra Millheart: [singing] “His favorite show is Kids Say the Darndest Things.”
Both: [singing] “Elian!!”
ELIAN GONZALEZ, wearing oversized overalls and a baseball cap, holds a football.
Announcer: Introducing David Mack Wilson as the lovable Elian Gonzalez!
Elian Gonzalez: [singing] “I dont wanna go home I just want to play football I gotta a buncha new pals And a frog in my pocket!”
JANET RENO & JUAN GONZALEZ, sit side by side on Renos desk.
Announcer: With Richard Kyle Pierce as Juan Gonzalez and a special appearance by Attorney General Janet Reno.
Janet Reno: [singing] “Theres a sacred bond Between father and son I will uphold the law Until the deed is done.”
Juan Gonzalez: [singing] “My boy Elian Weve been so long apart And you Janet Reno Have lifted my heart.”
Both: [singing] “Oh look at us Arent we a pair? We want whats best for the boy We dooooo But in all the madness We found each other And I fell in love with you.”
[ They kiss. Elians now riding a dolphin. ]
Announcer: Come join Elian and his magic dolphin as they fly through the sky over our great, free land.
Elian Gonzalez: [singing] “In every man Theres a little boy Just waiting to be free I know its true Cause I had a dream And in that dream was meeee !!!”
Announcer: If youve ever loved a boy, this is a boy for all time! Elian, The Cuban Boy! The entire cast is grouped together.
Bruce Dickinson…..Christopher Walken Eric Bloom…..Chris Parnell Buck Dharma…..Horatio Sanz Alan…..Chris Kattan Bobby…..Jimmy Fallon Gene Frenkle…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: After a series of staggering defeats, Blue Oyster Cult assembled in the recording studio in late 1976 for a session with famed producer Bruce Dickinson. And, luckily for us, the cameras were rolling.
[ dissolve to recording studio ]
Bruce Dickinson: Alright, guys, I think we’re ready to lay this first track down. By the way, my name is Bruce Dickinson. Yes, the Bruce Dickinson. And I gotta tell you: fellas.. you have got what appears to be a dynamite sound!
Eric Bloom: Coming from you, Bruce, that means a lot.
Buck Dharma: Yeah. I mean, you’re Bruce Dickinson!
Alan: This is incredible!
Bobby: I can’t believe Bruce Dickinson digs our sound!
Bruce Dickinson: Easy, guys.. I put my pants on just like the rest of you — one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records. [ the group laughs ] Alright, here we go. “Fear… Don’t Fear the Reaper” — take one. Roll it [ he exits into the control booth ]
Eric Bloom: Alright! One, two, three, four…
[ The group starts the song: “All our times have come Here but now they’re gone…” — Bobby slaps the drums, Eric jams his guitar, and Gene bangs on a cowbell. ]
Eric Bloom: [ distracted by Gene banging the cowbell ] Okay! Wait! Wait! Stop! [ the group cuts off their instruments ] Um, Bruce, could you come in here for a minute, please?
Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] That… that was gonna be a great track. Guys, what’s the deal?
Eric Bloom: Uh, are you sure that was sounding okay?
Bruce Dickinson: I’ll be honest.. fellas, it was sounding great. But.. I could’ve used a little more cowbell. So.. let’s take it again.. and, Gene?
Gene Frenkle: Yeah?
Bruce Dickinson: Really explore the studio space this time.
Gene Frenkle: You got it, Bruce.
Bruce Dickinson: I mean, really.. explore the space. I like what I’m hearing. roll it.
[ the group starts the song again, as Gene bangs more wildly onto the cowbell, gyrating his exposed belly. In the booth, Walken is smiling to keep from laughing. Before the session is interrupted, Gene misses a beat on his cowbell.]
Eric Bloom: Okay, wait! Stop! Stop! Bruce, I’m sorry, could you come back in here, please?
Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] Fellas.. now, we just wasted two good tracks! This last one was even better than the first!
Eric Bloom: Well, it’s just that I find Gene’s cowbell playing distracting! I don’t know, if I’m the only one, I’ll shut up.
Buck Dharma: Nah, it was pretty rough.
Gene Frenkle: You know, I could pull it back a little, if you’d like.
Bruce Dickinson: Not too much, though! I’m telling you, fellas — you’re gonna want that cowbell on the track!
Gene Frenkle: You know what? It’s fine. Let’s just do the thing.
Bruce Dickinson: Okay, Roll it.
Eric Bloom: One, two, three, four…
[ the band starts the song once more, with Gene banging the cowbell right next to Eric’s ear until Eric pushes him, knocking over the microphone and causing Horatio Sanz to fall ]
Eric Bloom: [ stopping the song again, fighting Gene ] COME ON, GENE!!
Gene Frenkle: NO, YOU COME ON!!
Bruce Dickinson: [ running out of the booth again ] Guys, y know that that it doesn’t work for me. I gotta have more cowbell!
Alan: [ grabs Gene’s shirt ] Don’t blow this for us, Gene!
Bobby: [ cracks up ] Quit… quit being so selfish, Gene!
Gene Frenkle: Can I just say one thing?
Bruce Dickinson: Sure, baby! Just say it!
Gene Frenkle: I’m standing here, staring at rock legend Bruce Dickinson!
Bruce Dickinson: The cock of the walk, baby!
Gene Frenkle: And if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell!
Bruce Dickinson: Say it, baby!
Gene Frenkle: And, Bobby, you are right – I am being selfish. But the last time I checked, we don’t have a whole lot of songs that feature the cowbell.
Bruce Dickinson: I gotta have more cowbell, baby!
Gene Frenkle: And I’d be doing myself a disservice — [begins to slightly laugh. Jimmy Fallon turns away and bites down on his drumstick to keep from laughing] and every member of this band, if I didnt perform the HELL out of this!
Bruce Dickinson: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell!
Gene Frenkle: Thank you, Bruce. But I think if… I think if I just leave… and maybe I’ll come back later, and we can lay down the cowbell. [ starts to leave the studio ]
Bruce Dickinson: Aw, come on, baby..
Eric Bloom: Gene, wait! Why don’t you lay down that cowbell right now. With us. Together.
[ long pause while Gene looks around at the band ]
Gene Frenkle: Do you mean that, Eric?
Eric Bloom: Oh, yeah.
Buck Dharma: He speaks for all of us.
Gene Frenkle: Thank you.
Bruce Dickinson: Babies.. before we’re done here.. y’all be wearing gold-plated diapers.
Alan: [ confused ] What does that mean?
Bruce Dickinson: Never question Bruce Dickinson! Roll it! [ exits back to booth ]
[ Gene picks up the fallen microphone and high-fives the drummer before getting into position ]
Eric Bloom: One, two, three, four…
[ the band starts up again, this time Frenkle is playing the cowbell in tune with the band. Close-up on Gene as he bangs the cowbell to freeze-frame with graphic: “In Memoriam: Gene Frenkle: 1950-2000” ]
Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.
[ a glove reaches for the Continental’s doorbell, as he jerks the door open ]
The Continental: Ah! [ laughing ] My wonderful one. I see you received my message. You have come to retrieve your mail. Huh? How it comes in my possession is mystery to me.. but this was yesterday. Please.. come in. [ camera enters through door ] You look so lovely. It is as though Michaelangelo sculpted you by hand.. then kept you for himself.. in a closet.. to visit on lonely nights. Would you care for a glass of champagna? [ camera shakes no ] I knew you would. I knew you enjoy champagna. How do I know this? Because I love women. I can read their mail.. I mean, mind! [ pours champagna and hands glass over ] May I read yours? I venture to say, please, you are the kind of woman who has a poster of puppies with humongous eyes hanging on your bathroom wall. Yes? Am I right? [ camera shakes no ] I have similar tattoo. Let me show you. It is tattoo of two dogs doing it. [ camera shakes no furiously before he can peel off his smoking jacket ] Okay. Please. Be seated. I continue to read your mind.
[ sits ]
I imagine a woman of such beauty as yours lives right here in this neighborhood. Yes? In fact, I bet you could see your own apartment from this very window here. [ camera glances towards window, spotting an oversized telescope against the wall ] And, may I say, you have exquisite taste in underwear! [ camera turns for the door ] Ah! Wait! Wait! Oop! Oop! [ blocks the door from his visitor ] You.. you are skittish.. like Siberian palamino.. on the frozen steps. I love that! You have what it takes to be model. Have you been on the television.. or some sort of moving picture? [ camera shakes no ] This I cannot believe. At least, tell me, you have graced the pages of some publication. [ camera shakes no ] No? Inconceivable. I have a stack of magazines.. under my bed.. you would be perfect for. Sit. Please. [ stares at her as she sits ] Wow! Wowwie-wow-wow! Boing! I never seen them from this angle. Nice! May I take photograph? [ camera shakes no ] Simple photograph? [ camera shakes no ] Be so kind, please? Huh? [ snaps picture ] Wonderful! Now.. take your top off. [ camera shakes no ] Only kidding. [ laughs ] Totally! That is.. unless you would like to? [ camera stands ] Ah! Okay. It’s a joke! Joke from old. [ puts down camera ]
Let me freshen your champagna, huh? [takes glass ] Caviar? [ shakes head no ] Did you see my painting? [ camera looks at painting on wall ] I got it from Target. [ camera turns back to see the Continental slipping a Mickey into her drink ] Oh! Wait! [ blocks her path to the door ] I never would slip you Mickey! It is merely rhinoceros horn. This makes the champagna bubble. Please.. taste this. [ holds up her glass, but she denies it ] No? Very good. [ pours champagna onto her ] Whoops! What happened? What have I done? I have spilled some wine. All over your boob. How wonderful! They look like two ripe melons.. drenched in morning dew. Wait. Let me gently wipe them.. [ takes out handkerchief, she fends him off ] You must get out of this clothing. You cannot leave like this.. you’ll catch chest cold. What kind of a cold would that be? I joke! Please.. you must dry up. I insist. Let me show you powder room, please. This way. [ points her to the half-bath ] A creature wonderful as you should not be in wet garments that cling to you so wettly. [ kisses her glove ] Wow! Here we are. [ opens door ] I leave you in peace.
[ camera enters half-bath, glances at sink, then at obscene art hanging on the wall; back to mirror, where the Continental suddenly appears on the other side as he lights a cigarette ]
The Continental: Wait! [ camera runs out of half-bath and to the door, but the Continental quickly blocks her again ] Wait! Wait, wait, wait.. Let me explain. I must vindicate myself somehow.. [ glove reaches out to choke him ] Wow! Wowee-wow-wow! [ camera mace him, he screams ] Only kidding! I have been sprayed so many times, I have developed immunity to Mace. Such is life. Champagna? Caviar? [ glove punches him in nose, knocking him to ground, camera runs through door ] Wait! [ camera glances at him sprawled on floor ] Don’t forget your mail. [ glove grabs bundle of mail from shelf ] Out!
Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.
Census-Taker…..Tim Meadows Mr. Leonard…..Christopher Walken
Census-Taker: Mr. Leonard? I’m with the U.S. Census Bureau. We sent you a Census form, but you failed to return it to us.
Mr. Leonard: My mail is piled up like crazy.
Census-Taker: Yeah. Well, I just need to fill out this Census form with you. Uh.. how many people live in this residence?
Mr. Leonard:Oh, boy.. good question. I’m bad with numbers.. Maybe 80.
Census-Taker: 80 people live in this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Seems high, doesn’t it? Not 80. How about 4? I don’t know.. I’m so bad at guestimating..
Census-Taker: Well, just take your time, and count.
Mr. Leonard: Okay.. there’s me.. my wife.. our plants.. we have some candy bars..
Census-Taker: Well, you know, we don’t count candy bars or plants..
Mr. Leonard: Well, then, there’s just the two of us. Boy, I really overshot with the 80!
Census-Taker: Listen, don’t worry about it. I’m gonna put you down as the Primary Resident, okay? Now, are you currently employed?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.. part of the time.
Census-Taker: Well, you work part-time. How many days of the week?
Mr. Leonard: Every day.. but just part of the day. From 9 to 5.
Census-Taker: So, you work a full day?
Mr. Leonard: I wouldn’t say that. There are huge chunks of time.. at night.. where I’m just asleep. For hours. It’s ridiculous.
Census-Taker: No, it’s not that ridiculous. Mr. Leonard, do you own or rent this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Sure. You have to ask one of the other 79 people.
Census-Taker: You mean your wife?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.
Census-Taker: Well, can I talk to her, then?
Mr. Leonard: She won’t answer you. She’s a bobcat.
Census-Taker: You got a bobcat in there?
Mr. Leonard: Well, I have a permit. [ reaches into apartment and pulls out a sheet of paper ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to run a nail salon.
Mr. Leonard: Wrong one! Wrong one! [ pulls another sheet of paper out of his apartment ]
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to do street performances.
Mr. Leonard: Yeah. My wife’s a big part of the act.
Census-Taker: [ shaking head ] You know what? Fine. [ changing subject ] Mr. Leonard, are you a citizen of the United States?
Mr. Leonard: I have dual-citizenship with the United States and Florida.
Census-Taker: Florida is a part of the United States.
Mr. Leonard: Don’t push your politics on me, pal. All’s I know is when I turned 50, I was issued a Florida passport. [ hands him the “passport” ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examining “passport” ] Alright.. this is a novelty birthday card. And it says, “You’re over the hill. Here’s a passport to Florida.” This is not a real passport.
Mr. Leonard: I don’t know.. you know? Whenever I go to Florida, I show it at the border, and they always let me in!
Census-Taker: Listen, Mr. Leonard. A real passport wouldn’t have a picture of a sexy nurse on it. This is a joke card.
Mr. Leonard: Well.. it’s a hell of a forgery!
Census-Taker: [ exasperated ] Okay, let’s just proceed as if this were going really well. Now, how long have you lived at this address?
Mr. Leonard: Oh, man! There you go with the numbers again!
Census-Taker: Just take your time.
Mr. Leonard: Well, what do most people say?
Census-Taker: That’s not important!
Mr. Leonard: I feel an enormous amount of pressure to get this right. I want to win that car!
Census-Taker: [ shaking his head ] There’s no car, Mr. Leonard! How long have you lived here?
Mr. Leonard: Alright, when I moved in, it was the Spring, and Clinton was President.. I’d just gotten out of jail.. I’d say an hour.
Census-Taker: Alright, let me go over this again, then. You are a convicted criminal, living alone in an apartment with a bobcat. And you work 56 hours a week as a street performer.
Mr. Leonard: When you say it like that, my life sounds pretty damn good!
Census-Taker: You know what? I’ve talked to a lot of people all over this country.. and your life is pretty damn good. You wanna get a beer?
Mr. Leonard: You know, I’d love to, but.. [ points into apartment ] ..you know.. the ol’ ball and chain..
Census-Taker: Alright. Take care.
Mr. Leonard: Have a good one. [ returns into the apartment to find his bobcat/wife growling at him ] Again?! We just did it!
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell Former President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
[ SUPER: Capitol Building, Austin Texas ]
[ cut to interior Capitol Building, Gov. George W. Bush sipping a brew ]
George W. Bush: Man, this is cool. I’m gonna be President – that’s wicked!
Former President George Bush: [ walking in ] Watch that languagethere, Son.. That’s right, gotta watch that language..
George W. Bush: Sorry, Dad.
Former President George Bush: I know you young people want to behip! You know, you want to be like the Backstreet Boys, or Christina Agulia-lara. You know, I understand.. but you gotta get ready to debate Al Gore! Folks say you’re neck-in-neck.
George W. Bush: What a joke. He’s a wimp!
Former President George Bush: People once said that about me, George W.
George W. Bush: What?! That’s insane!
Former President George Bush: Exactly. Don’t underestimate Gore – he’s crafty! Goes this way, then that way! Look what he did to Bradley in the debates – took him out to the political woodshed, and then beat him within an inch of that big ol’ double chin!
George W. Bush: Don’t worry, Dad. I’m a reformer with results! I’m a compassionate conservative! I’m a uniter, not a divider! I’m a uniter, not a divider! I’m a uniter, not a divider..!
Former President George Bush: [ slaps his Son across the cheek ]Snap out of it!
George W. Bush: But I’m a uniter, not a divider! [ jumps back before he gets another slap ]
Former President George Bush: Don’t make me do that. Look, no one knows what the hell that means. And I wrote it and I don’t even know what the hell that means. “I’m a uniter, not a divider.” Now, let’s review our strategy. Now, to get the nomination, you successfully cozied up to the Religious Right..
George W. Bush: Right.
Former President George Bush: Cozy up right over there – I saw you! Went down to Bob Jones University down there – “Hi, Mr. Bob Jones! Love your school – very festive!” Now, you’re the nominee, time to do that dance to the middle – that middler dance over there.. where King Centrus rules, ’cause that’s where politicians get elected, that vast middle area!
George W. Bush: [ confused ] Didn’t I beat McCain by cozying up to the right?
Former President George Bush: Listen, son.. McCain wasn’t afraidto give people his honest opinions, straightforward. What a nut!
George W. Bush: Yeah, that guy was crazy! [ they laugh ] He’s a loon! [ they continue laughing ] He’s a nutbag, is what he is! [ laughs, but gets slapped in the face again ]
Former President George Bush: Now, don’t get cocky! You’re jumpy and you’re cocky. Calm down! We gotta learn from that. You gotta learn be evasive. When they ask you a question, you gotta be slipsliding away.
George W. Bush: Okay..
Former President George Bush: Slip-sliding away! [ slip-slides ]
George W. Bush: I can do that. I can be evasive!
Former President George Bush: Alright, let me see you. Let me test you. I’m gonna test you.
George W. Bush: Ask me a question..
Former President George Bush: Okay. How do you feel, there, about gun control?
George W. Bush: Well.. uh.. uh..
Former President George Bush: Slip, slip, slip, slip-sliding..
George W. Bush: Uh.. I’m not sure about gun control..
Former President George Bush: That’s good. Good!
George W. Bush: ..but there’s nothing better than tying on a 3-beer buzz and firinmg off a sawed-off 12-gauge into a beat-up old tractor!
Former President George Bush: [ shakes his head and waves his arms ] Bad! That’s bad! That’s bad! You’re making me nervous! Lord have mercy, that is terrible! Look, I’ll show you how it’s done.. now, listen, you ask me a question, you just ask me any question on the issues!
George W. Bush: [ straining ] I can’t think of one!
Former President George Bush: Come on now, I know you can do it. Anything about today’s issues.
George W. Bush: No, you’re making my head hurt. Can I just go get a Pop Tart?
Former President George Bush: No! We’re gonna work on this. Now, come on, stay with me on this. Stay frosty. Stay cool.
George W. Bush: Here’s the crap they’re always asking me. Should we use the budget surplus to pay off the National Debt?
Former President George Bush: Maybe.
George W. Bush: Is Microsoft a monopoly?
Former President George Bush: Possibly. Could be! Kind of!
George W. Bush: How about the environment?
Former President George Bush: Good.
George W. Bush: Good?
Former President George Bush: Just good.
George W. Bush: What about Social Security?
Former President George Bush: Should be very social.. andvery secure. Slip-sliding. Slip-sliding, that’s what I’m doing.
George W. Bush: Dad, you are awesome!
Former President George Bush: That’s right. Now, you try, Governor Bush. Should we send the Gonzalez boy back to Cuba?
George W. Bush: [ quick ] I don’t give a rat’s ass!
Former President George Bush:[ waving his arms ] No! No, no, no! You can’t say that! You should have said, “The little brown one – should he go or stay? Don’t know. Can’t say. Wouldn’t be prudent!
George W. Bush: [ depressed ] You’re the best. You know, Al Gore’s gonna win. I’m not gonna do it!
Former President George Bush: What do you mean you’re notgonna do it?
George W. Bush: I’m not gonna do it!
Former President George Bush: You are too gonna do it!
George W. Bush: Nah gonna do it!
Former President George Bush: You are gonna do it! Neverunderestimate a Bush. We’re sneaky, remember? Remember when you were a kid, and you ran over the neighbor’s cat? You and I snuck out that night, we put it under his back wheel so he thought he did it? [ they share the laugh ] We’re sneaky!
George W. Bush: Sneaky.
Former President George Bush: And we slip-slide away.
George W. Bush: I’m scared, Dad. What if I don’t know how to dance to the middle?
Former President George Bush: Well, you’re doing a fine job so far. I don’t want you to worry about it. Come on, don’t stress out. You’re still my boy – have a seat on Dad’s lap.. [ sits down ] ..come on over here, boy! [ George W. sits on his Dad’s lap ] There you go. You’re still my son, and I love you, and nothing’s gonna change that. I know you’re not a bright man.
George W. Bush: No.
Former President George Bush: Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. But it doesn’t matter, ’cause you’ve got to suck it up! Once you get to the White House, it’s gonna be easy riding. My friends will tell you what to do, don’t you worry.
George W. Bush: You promise?
Former President George Bush: I promise you, Son. Now, you have to promise me something. That you’re gonna work as hard as you can to be a shiny monument to vagueness. To have no definitive opinion about anything ever. Think you can do that for me?
George W. Bush: [ pause ] Maybe!
Former President George Bush: [ laughs ] I love you, Son! Restyoure head here for a minute. Let me tell you a secret – “Live, fromNew York, it’s Saturday Night!
[Open on establishing shot of Mercy General Hospital. Fade in on hospital room where Diane is in bed coughing as the doctor checks her heartbeat and breathing with a stethoscope and Dianes husband, Glen, stands by the bed, worried for Dianes life]
Diane: [breathing heavily] Glen? Glen, where are you? Glen?
Glen: [to Doctor] I-I dont think she can make it through another night of this, Doctor. Why isnt she getting better?
Doctor: Mr. Connors, your wife has a rare virus. Weve done all we can to make her more comfortable. Were just going to have to wait and see. Im sorry.
[Doctor leaves the room]
[Diane moans, tossing and turning in bed]
Glen: Im right here, Diane. Dont you let go honey.
Diane: [delirious with illness] Granny Fran? Granny Fran, is that you? Granny Fran? Oh, God! God, help me!
[a heavenly chorus sings as a bright light shines on Diane. Diane sits up]
Diane: [cheerfully] Its so bright! The room!
Glen: [unaware of what Diane is experiencing] Diane, what is it? Whats the matter, sweetheart?
[As Diane gasps and breathes heavily, a black-haired angel dressed in a black trenchcoat with matching slacks, wings, and Converse sneakers appears in front of Diane]
Diane: [horrified at the sight of the angel] Oh, God, NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Glen: [running out of the hospital room] Doctor! Doctor!
[Diane whimpers as the angel approaches her]
Angel: Be not afraid Diane. [Diane continues whimpering in fear]: Im an angel sent from Heaven above to heal you. [Diane still whimpers as the angel extends his hand to her]: Give me your hand.
Diane: [scared] Im not gonna touch you! Youre the Angel of Death! I didnt ask for the Angel of Death!
Angel: Nay, my child. Im not a servant of Death. Ive been sent from Heaven above to comfort you.
Diane: [wailing and pointing] Ahh, Lucifer!
Angel: [insulted] Thats so unfair. I mean, thatsthats just mean. You dont know me at all and you just called me a very hurtful name.
Diane: [crying] Im not ready to die!
Angel: What did I just say a second ago? Im a messenger from Heaven above. Death is not my boss.
Diane: [voice cracks with fear] Youre scaring me!
Angel: [extends his hand out again] Take my hand.
Diane: No!
Angel: [insistent] Take it!
Diane: [cringes away from the Angel] Im not gonna take it!
Angel: [threatening] Diane, you gimme your freakin hand right now or Ill shove it up your wazoo. [calms down] Sorry, Im feeling a little defensive here.
Diane: Well, IWell, Im sorry, too. I prayed for an angel and I get somebody from a Wes Craven movie.
Angel: I feel labeled. How bout you skip the judgments based on my appearance and I can let you live another fifty years?
Diane: You know, I was scared, but now Im pissed. Im not making a judgment; its a fact. Youre creepy.
Angel: Please tell me, Diane how I can modify my creepiness to meet your needs.
Diane: I dont think theres anything you can do about it.
Angel: Is it about my outfit? I feel comfortable in black. Its slimming and when I was on Earth, I owned a gallery.
Diane: Yeah, well, its off-putting. I mean, black wings?
Angel: Im funky. Ive always been funky. Youre lucky I gave up the driving gloves.
Diane: [angered] All right! You know what? You can go straight back to Hell!
Angel: You know what? You know what youre doing, Diane? Its the angel equivalent to police profiling.
Diane: All right, you know what? You have to admit; youre a tadyoure a tad Luciferish.
Angel: [annoyed] You think Lucifer would stand here and have a debate with you about stereotyping? What are you, high? Lucifer would have stuck three fingers up your ass and pulled you into Hell!
[Diane is shocked by the Angels morbid description]
Diane: You know, if you are one of Gods soldiers, you got a really foul mouth.
Angel: I cant win coming or going. How bout I get on the horn to CBS maybe get Della Reese down here. Maybe youd feel comfortable touching a big mama type!
Diane: [bitterly] Why dont I just add sarcasm to your list of angelic qualities?
Angel: Ill tell you what, Diane. If I was The Prince of Darkness come to getcha, I certainly wouldnt look like this! Id come to you dressed as your old dear old, I dont know Fran Granny Fran. Only when you got close to her, her breath would smell like a bathing cap full of cat crap and shed sneeze out maggots!
Diane: [disgusted] You are officially gross!
Angel: I guarantee you. Im here to save your life, darling.
[An elderly woman with thick glasses, a blue sweater, a floral skirt, and tan orthopedic shoes appears at the doorway and shuffles towards Dianes bed]
Granny Fran: [in a calming voice] My favorite granddaughter. I am your gaurdian angel.
[Diane sighs with relief]
Angel: Well, this is a rather obvious little coincidence.
Granny Fran: Give me your hand, my dear and you will live a long, long life.
Diane: Oh, Granny Fran!
Angel: Have I been talking out my butt, Diane?
[Granny Fran comes closer to Diane as Diane reaches out to touch her]
Diane: [holds Granny Frans outstretched hand] Granny Fran, Ive been so afraid! [sniffs, shocked] Whats that smell?
[Diane drops dead in her hospital bed as the heart monitor flatlines. The Angel snorts knowingly as Granny Fran cackles evilly, backs out of the room, and disappears in the mist. A low heavenly choir plays briefly as Glen returns to Dianes hospital room with the doctor to find his wife dead]
Glen: Diane! No! No! No! [buries his face at the foot of Dianes bed, weeping over her death. Heavenly music begins to play. Walken breaks character and addresses the audience]
Christopher Walken: To all of youse out there who believe that angels should look and behave a certain way: Eat my shorts!
[Heavenly chorus singing swells as Walken (who has been in a harness since the first time he was shown in this sketch) flies away and hangs above the hospital bed, with only the bottom of his coat, his pants, and his sneakers visible. The studio audience cheers as Walken hangs there before delivering his final line]
Christopher Walken: Who do I have to blow to get a break around here?
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 16 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
April 8th, 2000 Christopher Walken Christina Aguilera None Dana Carvey J. Mascis Phil Hyms Tina Fey Father & Son BushSummary: George Bush (Dana Carvey) gives fatherly advice to George W. Bush (Will Ferrell). Recurring Characters: George Bush, George W. Bush. Transcript
Behind The Music: Blue Oyster CultSummary: As the members of Blue Oyster Cult record “(Don’t) Fear The Reaper”, manager Bruce Dickinson (Christopher Walken) informs them that he wants to hear more cowbell. Transcript
The ContinentalSummary: The Continental (Christopher Walken) attempts to put the moves on a neighbor woman who has stopped by to retrieve her mail. Recurring Characters: The Continental. Transcript
ViagraSummary: Exasperated wives aren’t too thrilled with their unappealing husbands’ newfound sexual energy. Transcript
Jenny JonesSummary: An excitable audience member (Christopher Walken) expresses his thoughts on Jenny Jones’ (Racel Dratch) guests. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Jacob Silj. Transcript
Christina Aguilera performs “I Turn To You”Also Performed: 02o, 06e. Also Hosted: 03m.
The CensusSummary: Census taker (Tim Meadows) endures strange encounter with Mr. Leonard (Christopher Walken) while asking questions. Transcript
Miss Greenwood Hills Beauty PageantSummary: Fifty-year old Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon) participates in a beauty pageant. Recurring Characters: Sally O’Malley. Transcript
Christina Aguilera performs “At Last” & “What A Girl Wants”
Dress Rehearsal Cuts The Angel of DeathSummary: Clad in black, an angel (Christopher Walken) from above can’t garner respect from a dying woman (Ana Gasteyer) whose life he’s trying to save. Transcript
FonzieSummary: Milos Forman’s latest bio-pic examines the life of Arthur “Fonzie” Fonzarelli (Christopher Walken). Transcript
Announcer: And now, from the news capitol of the world, it’s “Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.”
Colin Quinn: Hi, I’m Colin Quinn and here are tonight’s top stories.
While marching at yesterday’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade here in New York City, First Lady Hillary Clinton was greeted with boos and shouts of “Go back to Arkansas!” Mrs. Clinton was unfazed by the abuse, however, having endured over the past seven years from her husband.
Meanwhile, Chelsea Clinton joined her father on his historic ten-day trip to India, Bangladesh, and Pakistan, which brings up an interesting question: Who exactly is babysitting whom?
After attending a fundraiser for her Senate campaign thrown by a New York Pakastani group, critics of First Lady Hillary Clinton charged this week that special interest groups seek to influence the President’s policies by making donations to his wife. The President laughed off these accusations, however, defying anyone to actually name one of his policies.
Wednesday, Mick Jagger officially admitted that he is in fact the father of Brazilian model Luciana Morad’s nine-month-old son. Coincidentally, Keith Richards announced this week that he also has an illegitimate son, Abe Vigoda.
And stung by criticism and calls for boycotts of her upcoming TV talk show, radio personality Dr. Laura Schlessinger apologized this week for recent anti-gay rhetoric that included calling homosexuals ‘deviant with biological disorder.’ In response, the gay community has apologized for scathing comments made about Dr. Laura’s hair and shoes.
Texas Governor George W. Bush this week blamed President Clinton for the recent increase in gas prices and said if he were president, he’d abolish the gas tax, and if necessary, go to war with Alaska and steal their oil.
Colin Quinn: We’re entering the home stretch of Campaign 2000. Here with his take on the candidates, in the tradition of political commentators like Garry Trudeau, is renowned political cartoonsit Jasper Hahn.
Jasper Hahn: [ laughing uproariously ] Hello, Colin! Oh, it’s nice to see you again! [ holds up sign, “Campaign 2000” ] America’s getting ready for the big election, and ol’ Jasper here has a few things to say about the front runners! [ laughs ] Alright, the first nominee is Al Gore. When I draw Al Gore, I like to focus on how funny he looks when he’s giving his speeches! [ draws phallic symbol ]
Colin Quinn: Hey, hey, hey! Get out of here with that garbage!
Jasper Hahn: Well, Colin, if I can continue.. [ continues drawing ] You see, Al Gore is like a goofy ol’ monkey! [ draws monkey from phallic symbol ] Always monkeying around with his loyalty. And he’s always looking around in every direction for support!
Colin Quinn: Yeah? Why’s that?
Jasper Hahn: ‘Cause he’s got cock-eyes! Yeah, there you go! [ finishes drawing ] You silly Gore! [ laughs ]
Colin Quinn: You’re pushing it, Jasper!
Jasper Hahn: Ooh, but look out! Look out, monkey Vice-President, you got competition! Yes, you do! And it’s none other than George W. Bush! [ start drawing ] This is what I think of when I think of George W. Bush! [ drawing resembles naked woman sitting open-legged ]
Colin Quinn: That’s enough, Jasper!
Jasper Hahn: [ confused ] What? It’s a political caricature!
Colin Quinn: No, it’s not! You get off on drawing dirty pictures on television!
Jasper Hahn: [ continues drawing ] The only thing that’s dirty is the way Governor Bush is alays hopping all over the political spectrum, gobbling up all the campaign contributions like they were carrots! [ drawing now resembles a rabbit ] And he’s always sniffing around for more money with his wet, busy nose, there ya go! [ circles nose on “private” area ] Oh, yeah! He’s Bushy W. Rabbit!
Colin Quinn: Okay, you’re out of here!
Jasper Hahn: Don’t you want to see my last caricature?
Colin Quinn: No!
Jasper Hahn: [ to audience ] Do you? [ audience applauds ] Oh, yeah! Wow! Well, Colin, the truth is, no matter who you vote for, you always end up weith more of the same.. [ draws naked woman bending over ]
Colin Quinn: So.. you gonna change that into some kind of animal, or something?
Jasper Hahn: Nope.
Colin Quinn: [ groans ] Jasper Hahn, everybody.
In international news, a Hong Kong based newsmagazine reported this week that suspected terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden is dying of kidney failure. The reclusive Bin Laden is reportedly hiding in the mountains of Afghanistan and is on a dialysis machine being pedaled by two of his followers.
And in Pakistan this week, a judge sentenced a convicted murderer to be strangled, cut into 100 pieces and then thrown into a vat of acid for his crimes. And that was a plea bargain.
Passengers on a commercial airlines flight Thursday averted disaster when they tackled a man who attacked a pilot in the cockpit and attempted to grab the controls. Fortunately, order was restored and the aircraft was allowed to crash on its own.
In Texas Wednesday, four-year-old Jayton Tidwell had his right arm re-attached after it was bitten off by his uncle’s pet tiger. Doctors at Houston Children’s Hospital said the boy should be able to lead “a very normal life”. Like hanging out with an uncle who owns a pet tiger.
Tuesday, “TV Guide” announced that it would cancel its Spanish-language edition, which was launched just last October. Evidently the magazine’s sales numbers began to drop after the 20th consecutive cover story on Jimmy Smits.
And Adam Farrar, Leonardo DiCaprio’s stepbrother, was arrested by Los Angeles police Wednesday on charges of attempting to murder his girlfriend, prompting OJ Simpson to remark, “Not so easy, is it?”
Colin Quinn: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Good night, and thank you!
Smoker…..Chris Parnell Cheryl…..Ana Gasteyer Nicotrel…..The Rock …..Triple H …..Mick Foley …..Big Show
[open on a couple sitting on a couch in a nice living room]
Smoker: Cheryl had been trying to get me to stop smoking for years.
Cheryl: Then, when we got married, I absolutely drew the line.
Smoker: I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I mean, I tried quitting before: patches, gum, cold turkey..
Cheryl: That didn’t work.
Smoker: No. Nothing worked, until I tried Nicotrel. Nicotrel controls your cravings, and breaks your habit forever. Guaranteed. How can a drug make that promise?
[a tall, muscualr man in a tight, white shirt that says Nictorel and black pants walks onscreen]
Nicotrel: Because it’s not a drug; it’s me! Nicotrel. [puts his hand on Smokers shoulder] And I will make you stop smoking. [Smoker laughs nervously] I guarantee it.
Smoker: You see, Nictrol contains my cravings. [holds up a cigarette] Now, when I want a cigarette.. [ Nicotrel pulls Smoker over the sofa ] Oh, God, no! Nicotrel: Stop smoking! [ clocks Smoker in the face ]
Smoker: [in agony] Oh, not my face! [whimpers]
Nicotrel: Now, here’s how Nicotrol works: [ punches Smoker, Smoker cries ] Nic lives with you.. [ punches Smoker ] You try to smoke.. [ punches Smoker ] ..Nic gets angry. Nic gets angry, you don’t smoke, period! [kicks Smoker in the stomach, then picks up a badly-made dummy version of Chris Parnell]
Smoker: No please, dont! [Nicotrel throws the dummy, whose shoe falls off, out the window] AHHH!!
Cheryl: Nicotrel really works! [ laughs as Nicotrel sits down next to Cheryl]
Nicotrel: Me harming you. That’s the simple one-step program. I’m Nicotrel, and I will break your smoking habit. [ puts his arm around Cheryl ]
Cheryl: Nicotrel’s been a real life saver for us.
Nicotrel: The only thing between you and breaking your habit is my willpower and discipline. [Cheryl rubs Nicks knee] And, let me tell you, I’ve got plenty of both. I’m strong and agile, and when I get angry, I tend just to go blank.
Smoker: [ climbing through window ] You get your hands off my wife, Nicotrel!
Nicotrel: [ gets up and walks across room ] You don’t talk to Nicotrel like that!
Smoker: Look, man, back off! I am not smoking! I am not smoking!
Nicotrel: Oh, yeah? [pulls out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket] What’s that? [ tosses pack of cigarette’s into Smoker’s hands ]
Smoker: Oh, God! Please don’t do this! [ Nicotrel smashes vase over Smoker’s head ] Cheryl! Oh, God, please stop. Please stop it! [Nicotrel breaks a chair over the Smokers head] Oh, my back. Oh, Jesus! Oh, God! [slumps behind the couch]
Nicotrel: He was gonna smoke those, Cheryl.
Cheryl: I know he was. [caresses Nicks face]
Nicotrel: Nicotrel is a siginificant medical breakthrough. [ kicks smoker down ] An important new weapon in the battle against smoking. [ kicks smoker down ] And the difference is me – Nic! [ kicks smoker down ] Originally from northern Michigan, I was kicked out of the Army a few years ago, and now I do this! [ punches Smoker ]
Smoker: [ weeping, gets up from behind the couch ] I-I can’t emphasize this enough. Nic here hates the idea of you smoking. [Nick shakes his head yes]. You can’t reason with him. [Nick smiles and shakes his head no] You can’t bribe him. [Nick frowns and shakes his head no] He will own you! [Nick mouths the words own you] Nicotrel is Nicotrel!
[Cheryl gives Nick a cigarette]
Nicotrel: So say good-bye to that cigarette habit [puts the cigarette in Smokers mouth as the Smoker whimpers in fear]: And say hello to Nicotrel. [punches Smoker in the face repeatedly]
Cheryl: [looks back to see Smoker getting beaten up] Thanks, Nicotrel!
Nicotrel: [ stops punching Smoker ] You make Nic mad! [continues punching Smoker]
Smoker: Oh, stop! Please stop!
[A title overlay that reads Nictorel with an Xd out box below the el in Nicotrel appears followed by the line Break the habitor die trying]
Announcer V/O: Nicotrel. Break the habitor die trying!
[As the sketch ends, Mick Foley, Triple H, and Big Show appear and The Rock breaks character.]
Mick Foley: Stop, stop, stop! Stop it! What the hell are you doing?
The Rock: What?
Triple H: You call that a beating?
Chris Parnell: Hey, guys, whats going on?
The Rock: Well, its not The Rock hitting him; its Nicotrel [points to name on his shirt]
Chris Parnell: Yeah, you know what? I got a sketch that I gotta go change for and I
[Before Parnell can leave, Big Show picks Parnell up by the back and crotch while Ana Gasteyer scrambles off the set]
Big Show: [as hes rolling Chris Parnell up and down his chest] Thats how we give a beating! [throws Parnell onto the ground]
Triple H: Now were talking!
Mick Foley: Yeah!
[The wrestlers, except for The Rock, proceed to kick and throw things at Chris Parnell]
Chris Parnell: No! Please, stop!
[Mick Foley runs to where Big Show is and body-slams Parnell. Triple H throws a vase at Parnell. The Rock breaks up the insanity of it all]
The Rock: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! Seriously, seriously, break it up! Now thats not right!
[Chris Parnell gets up, tired, beaten, and gasping for breath]
Chris Parnell: It certainly is not!
The Rock: No. [a beat] Youve gotta kick harder. [kicks Chris Parnell in the stomach. Now The Rock joins the other three wrestlers in whaling on Chris Parnell]
Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows Helen Franklin…..The Rock
Leon Phelps: Yeah! What is happening? Welcome to “The Ladies Man”, the love line with all the right responses to your romantic queries. I’m Leon Phelps, how y’all doing tonight? That’s good! I’m doing pretty good, I got my Couversier right here. Now, tonight is a very special night for me, for I, Leon Phelps, am in love. Yes. I am in love. That’s right, yours truly, the most prolific wangsman of all time, has been smitten. Cupid has aimed her rifle of love in my face and scored a direct hit. So, I’m sorry, ladies, I am officially out of the game. Now, this lady that I am gonna bring out, she’s like no other woman. She even smells better than the usual skanks that I mess around with. So, please welcome the love of my life, Helen Franklin, everybody. [ Helen walks out, clearly a man dressed as a woman to all eyes except Leon’s ] Here.. she.. is.. Miss America!”
Helen Franklin: Hi, Leon.
Leon Phelps: Now, listen.. isn’t she the most unusual woman you’ve ever seen, folks? Yeah! Have a seat, baby! [ they sit ] You are so beautiful. Now, Helen is here tonight because she has something very important that she needs to tell me about herself. Is that right, Helen?
Helen Franklin: That’s right, Leon.
Leon Phelps: Yeah, now this is some kind of secret that you’ve been keeping, right?
Helen Franklin: Yeah, but I’m not sure you’re gonna want me to say it on TV.
Leon Phelps: [ laughs ] I know. Listen, I’m rushing everything, I know. Listen, why don’t we just start by telling the folks how we met.
Helen Franklin: Well, you came into where I work.. and that’s about it, I guess.
Leon Phelps: Come on! It was much more romantic than that. You see, I fell asleep on the bus, and when I woke up, I was in a part of town that I’d never seen before. It was somewhere down near the docks, I guess, because there were sailors everywhere.
Helen Franklin: Yeah, Leon, I really think you might want to talk about this in private..
Leon Phelps: Anyway, I got thirsty, and then I ducked into a bar – and, oh, what a bar this was! It was wall-to-wall, big sexy ladies! And these ladies – you’re never gonna believe this! A lot of them was dressed like big movie stars from the past. You know? There was Marilyn Monroe, and Judy Garland, Tallulah Bankhead.. it was crazy! Tell them who you were.
Helen Franklin: [ uncomfortable ] I was Ethel Merman.
Leon Phelps: Yea-ah! The young Ethel Merman! She was sexy! It was like Leon Phelps dies and went to heaven, ’cause there was sexy women everywhere! Even in the Men’s bathroom, if you can believe it!
Helen Franklin: Leon, I’m not sure of the kind of relationship you want to be in..
Leon Phelps: I already told you, there is nothing that could change my mind. I don’t care if you’re married, or if you have a venereal disease.. no, it doesn’t matter. I have had all the venereal diseases, I am not afraid of them!
Helen Franklin: No, no, no, no! It’s not that. Listen, I’m just gonna come right out, and be honest with you.. [ whispers in Leon’s ear ]
Leon Phelps: What?! You’re a undercover police officer! Is it safe for a woman like you to be a cop?
Helen Franklin: No, no, no, Leon. You’re still not getting it! [ whispers again ]
Leon Phelps: Yeah.. well, that is disgusting. Wow! But I guess it does explain a few things – like the time you kept growing a beard.
Helen Franklin: Sorry, Leon. The truth is, I have a wife and two kids.
Leon Phelps: A woman like you has a wife.. [ catches himself ] ..oh, yeah.. right, you a man – I forgot! Damn! You are good!
Helen Franklin: Well, Leon, that’s my job. I’m a Vice Cop, and I dress up like a lady to catch freaks and perverts who get their jollies soliciting drag queens.
Leon Phelps: Yeah. Well, you know, I’m a freak and a pervert, but I hardly ever get my jollies from drag queens. But, you know, if you a dude and a cop, how come you didn’t arrest me? After all, I offered to pay you to do a lot of freaky stuff.
Helen Franklin: Yes, you did. We have a list down at the precinct we go by, and, frankly, the kind of stuff you kept asking me to do, I just hadn’t even heard of! I mean, what is an Alabama Cragdangle, anyway?
Leon Phelps: [ laughing ] Yeah. Well, it’s something that I invented. It’s never really been done in practice, right now it’s just, you know, theoretical.
Helen Franklin: Look, Leon, let’s just forget about the whole thing. You’re off the hook. I tried to find something I could arrest you for, and I couldn’t. I even went back to your house, but all that happened was I fell alseep on your couch. Nothing else.
Leon Phelps: [ grins ] Yeah. Nothing else happened that night!
Helen Franklin: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! What’s that look for?
Leon Phelps: It’s nothing! [ laughs ] That’s all the time we have on “The Ladies Man” show. I hope you learned something about yourself, because I know I did! I’ll see you next time on “The Ladies Man”!
Air Date:
