Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 9

99i: Jamie Foxx / Blink-182

Stereotypically Jeffrey

Randall…..Chris Parnell
Female Employee…..Ana Gasteyer
Angry Black Employee…..Jamie Foxx
Jeffrey…..Tracy Morgan
Chet…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on employees chatting with one another in the office ]

Randall: Finally, after two hours of sweaty palms and pacing, I got the nerve to walk up to her and say, “Hey, let’s get it on!”
[ everyone laughs ]

Female Employee: So, what did she say?

Randall: Well.. she turned out to be one of those – what do you call them – store mannequins.

Angry Black Employee: Man, that’s nasty.

Randall: Women. You can’t live with them, you can’t live without them!

Female Employee: It was a mannequin.

Jeffrey: [ getting up ] Hey, listen, I would love to hang here all day with y’all, but I gotta go call Donnelly by three.

Female Employee: Take it easy, Jeffrey.

Angry Black Employee: Good luck with Donnelly, man.

Jeffrey: Alright, thanks. [ exits ]

Randall: [ sitting down ] What a great guy.

Female Employee: You know, he really is. I’m so glad he was hired.

Angry Black Employee: Yeah, Jeffrey’s cool!
[ Chet enters the break room ]

Chet: Hey, everyone.

Angry Black Employee: Hey, Chet! What’s up, man?

Female Employee: You just missed Jeffrey.

Chet: Oh.. I don’t think I know him..

Angry Black Employee: Oh, yes, you do. He’s about 5’11”, 190.

Chet: No.

Female Employee: He’s got that really great smile?

Chet: Uh.. I don’t know who you’re talking about..

Randall: He was just hired last month.

Chet: Oh! The black guy!

Angry Black Employee: [ twitching in anger ] Wow.. man, is that what he is to you – the black guy!

Chet: No, uh.. I just didn’t know who you were talking about..

Angry Black Employee: In other words, his skin is his only identity? so, skin is the only thing you see when you see him, huh? You just see “Jeffrey, the Black Guy”, not “Jeffrey, the Guy with the Great Smile”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy’s Who There For His Friend”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Loves Movie Trivia”?

Chet: No. I didn’t say that..

Angry Black Employee: Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Speaks French – Bon Journee.” Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Took Care of My Son When He Was Sick.” To you, he’s just some Black Guy. You’ll never know “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Likes to Play Basketball”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Likes to Runs Fast”.. or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Really Loves Fried Chicken”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who’s Real Good at Dancing.” No! Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Used to Steal Cars.”

Randall: Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Calls People ‘Jive Turkeys’.”

Angry Black Employee: Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Has 15 Kids”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Smokes Crack.” How about “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Used to Work as a Train Porter”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Wants to Kidnap Some White Women”? Huh? Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Has a Large Penis”. No! You just think he’s “Jeffrey, the Black Guy.” You make me sick.

Chet: Hey.. all that stuff you said was racist!

Angry Black Employee: How so?

Chet: Smoking crack, kidnapping white women.. it’s horrible!

Female Employee: It’s who Jeffrey is!

Angry Black Employee: Look, it’s people like you who turn everything into a stereotype! I draw.. but does that make me all black people draw? I like to drive-by, and hang with my baby’s momma on the street corner. Uh-uh, does that make me just another black guy to you?

Randall: You know, I’m a white guy, and I love to sleep in a Batman costume and expose myself to tollbooth operators! Does that mean all white people do that?

Female Employee: Shut up, Randall!

Chet: Look, I’m sorry if I offended anybody. I didn’t mean it.

Angry Black Employee: Alright, man, you’re forgiven this time.

Female Employee: Sorry to take you down so hard.

Chet: Hey, how about if I took everyone out to lunch?

Randall: That sounds great.

Chet: We can ride my burro over to my adobe hut, and have tacos with Pepe and the other fifty guys that hang out in his hatchback. They’re really nice guys, they really are.

Angry Black Employee: [ putting his arm around Chet’s shoulder ] Hey, man.. that sounds nice, man. Real nice.

[ everyone exits the breakroom – a minute later, Jeffrey re-enters, grabs someone’s laptop computer, stuffs it inside his jacket and leaves again ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 9

99i: Jamie Foxx / Blink-182

Hamburger Helper Antibacterial

Salesman … Chris Parnell
Husband … Will Ferrell
Wife … Ana Gasteyer

[open on Husband and Wife walking down a grocery aisle]

[Salesman runs up to them]

Salesman: Excuse me! Excuse me. What are you folks having for dinner tonight?

Wife: We’ve got some hamburger in the fridge.

Husband: Yeah.

Salesman: Oh! Great. How long’s it been there?

Wife: 5 days.

Husband: 2 days.

Salesman: [chuckles] Why don’t you try this? It’s new Hamburger Helper Antibacterial. Hamburger Helper Antibacterial combines a tangy tomato sauce, delicate spices, and Tristanex–a power antibacterial agent.

[graphic: (diphenyltristinate)]

This hamburger has been in the trunk of my car for over a week. Let’s add some Tristanex. Massage vigorously into the meat, add the noodles and seasoning, and simmer. [sniffs] That acrid smell means it’s working.

[graphic: Avoid prolonged contact with skin]

Even the freshest raw meat has it’s problems.

[graphic: e. coli 257.154]

But with Hamburger Helper Antibacterial, germ volume is cut almost in half.

[graphic: Reduced 37.99%]

Wife: [takes a bite] It stings a little at first, but then it’s really good.

Husband: Can I have more? … a lot more?

Announcer: Try Hamburger Helper Antibacterial. And say so long to salmonella with new Chicken Helper with chlorine bleach.

Submitted by: Mikemenn

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 9

99i: Jamie Foxx / Blink-182

A Special Message From John Goodman

…..John Goodman

Announcer: And now, a special message from former castmember John Goodman.

John Goodman: Thank you, Don Pardo. I think you made a mistake, though. I was never a castmember.

Announcer: Good Lord, you sure do hang out a lot for a guy who doesn’t work here.

John Goodman: Well, these last two years, I have hung out here whenever they needed me to play Linda Tripp in a sketch. It was revealed this week that Ms. Tripp has undergone some extensive plastic surgery. She’s also dyed her hair, had liposuction and lost over forty pounds. Now, many people feel she was driven to cosmetic surgery because she was relentlessly mocked by some late-night comedy show. I’ve always considered my impression more of an homage, but.. maybe she took it the wrong way. After seeing the photos, I got a call from Lorne Michaels saying that if I still wanted to play Linda Tripp, all I would have to do is lose some weight, and he would pay for the plastic surgery. Now, I love comedy, but there’s certain things I won’t do for a laugh, and losing forty pounds is one of them. But I’m still playing her! When Linda goes to jail in Maryland, look for me! In fact, I might even slap on another twenty! [ laughs manaically ]

Announcer: This has been a message from John Goodman.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 9

99i: Jamie Foxx / Blink-182

Blackjack’s Bitch

Aaron…..Will Ferrell
Blackjack…..Jamie Foxx
Bobo…..Tim Meadows
Chaco…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, prison, night ]

[ dissolve to interior jail cell, four inmates lying asleep between two bunk cots ]

Aaron: [ on top right cot ] Hey! Blackjack! Psst! Blackjack? You awake?

Blackjack: [ on top left cot ] Who is that?

Aaron: It’s me — Aaron.

Blackjack: [ shakes his head ] Oh.. hey, man.. What’s wrong with you? You having trouble sleeping?

Aaron: Yeah. A little bit. [ pause ] Hey! Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Blackjack: Go ahead.

Aaron: Don’t you think the food here is bad?

Blackjack: Now, is that really what you want to ask me, man?

Aaron: [ shakes his head and smiles] Oh, Blackjack, you know me too well! Okay.. I’ll juat ask you, then. It’s just something that’s been on my mind for a while, and… maybe I’m just insecure, but — am I still your bitch?

Blackjack: Huh? Man, what kind of silly question is that? Of course you still my.. BITCH!

Aaron: [ surprised ] Really? You’re not just saying that because you know I want to hear it?

Blackjack: No, man, I’m not just saying that. I mean, everybody knows that, man — you Blackjack’s BITCH! Huh? I mean… that’s the way it’s ALWAYS been, and, as far as I know, that’s the way it’s always gonna be. Nothin’ gonna change that!

Aaron: [ slightly worried ] As far as you know?

Blackjack: Yeah, that’s what I said. [ Aaron frowns ] Why you lookin’ at me all crazy, man?

Aaron: What does “As far as you know“, mean?

Blackjack: Look, I don’t know, man. I just said it. Why you actin’ all… crazy?

Aaron: I don’t know! I — I — I just feel CRAZY sometimes, like I’m… gonna do something crazy! I just feel like you’re very distant from me sometimes.

Bobo: Hey, man, what’s goin’ on? Why y’all makin’ all that noise?

Aaron: Oh. I’m sorry, Bobo. It’s my fault.

Blackjack: Aaron, look — [ to Bobo ] aaron is actin’ all crazy and everything like that, man. He wants to know if I still consider him my bi-otch!

Bobo: Oh, come on, man! Everybody knows that Aaron is Blackjack’s bitch!

Aaron: Are — are you serious? People still say that?

Bobo: Oh, all the time!

Blackjack: See? That’s what I’m sayin’, man! I ain’t sayin’ it just to be nice! It’s the God’s honest truth, man. Plain and simple — You my BITCH!!

[ beneath Blackjack, Chaco wakes up ]

Chaco: [ in a high whisper ] Blackjack really means it, Aaron!

Aaron: Oh, Chaco? Did I wake you up, too? I feel awful!

Chaco: It’s alright, Aaron. Listen… I known Blackjack for a long time — longer than ANYBODY! Longer than Bobo… longer than Double-Man… even longer than Little Joe. Believe me, when he makes you his bitch, it’s FOREVER! [ pause ] Until he kills you. [ returns to sleep ]

Bobo: Straight up, you dumb white piece of ass!

Aaron: Hey! Easy, Bobo.

Bobo: I do NOT like you!

Aaron: You know what? When I really sit down and think about it… I think I just feel insecure ’cause — ’cause I watch you, Blackjack, and you’re sitting here talking with Chaco and Bobo, and you guys are laughing it up and having a great time and… and then you don’t to me in the same way, and it feels weird, really.

Blackjack: Hey, look, man, let me give it to you straight, man — sure, I have a good time with Bobo, and Chaco and everything, and we laugh it up, and we — we talk about prison stories that are boh entertaining… and grisly. But… the thing about it is, I don’t rap to them like I rap to you… but do I buy them presents? Huh? Who’s the guy who got you the toothbrush with the razor blade on the end of it? Huh?

Aaron: You can’t buy me.

Blackjack: I did buy you. I bought you from Hector for thirty cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.

Aaron: [ he nods ] You’re right.

Blackjack: Hey, man, look — look, man, look — in the end… Aaron, you’re always gonna be my BITCH! Okay? And there ain’t NOBODY… gonna take that away… ’til I kill your ass!

Aaron: Oh, Blackjack! [ relieved ] I sometimes don’t know what to do with me! [ he chuckles ] Thanks for being so real, man.

Blackjack: No problem. Now, sweet dreams — BI-OTCHHHH!!

Chaco: I second that, little bitch!

Bobo: Yeah, you dumb, white little bitch!

Aaron: [ laughs ] Guys! I think I get the point!

[ they all laugh heartily and returns to sleep ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 8th, 2000

Jamie Foxx

Blink-182

None

Ryan Shiraki

John Goodman

Lorne Michaels
Hillary’s DepartureSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) is more interested in talking to Vladmir Putin (Will Ferrell) over the phone than in bidding newly-elected senator Hillary (Ana Gasteyer) goodbye.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Jamie Foxx’s MonologueSummary: Oliver Stone (Will Ferrell) interrupts Jamie Foxx’s monologue to direct him through it.

Recurring Characters: Al Pacino.

Hamburger Helper AntibacterialTranscript

Puff & Jennifer in TherapySummary: Jennifer Lopez (Cheri Oteri) and Puff Daddy (Jamie Foxx) try to salvage their relationship with a therapy session.

Recurring Characters: Puff Daddy, Jennifer Lopez.

Transcript

Blackjack’s BitchSummary: In the middle of the night, prison inmate Aaron (Will Ferrell) wants reassurance that he’s still Blackjack’s (Jamie Foxx) bitch.

Transcript

A Special Message From John GoodmanSummary: Despite Linda Tripp’s recent weight loss, John Goodman vows to continue doing his usual impression of her.

Transcript

Nick Burns, Your Company Computer GuySummary: Nick Burns (Jimmy Fallon) faces a spaghetti western-style showdown with employee Andy (Jamie Foxx).

Recurring Characters: Nick Burns.

Transcript

Tracy Confronts JamieSummary: Tracy Morgan is pleased that black actor Jamie Foxx is hosting this week’s show.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Stevie Wonder, Jasper Hahn.

Blink-182 performs “All The Small Things”

It’s Showtime At The Apollo!Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.

Stereotypically JeffreySummary: Chet (Horatio Sanz) takes the heat for only noticing that new employee Jeffrey (Tracy Morgan) is black.

Transcript

Blink-182 performs “What’s My Age Again?”

A Martin Luther King Day MomentRecurring Characters: Martin Luther King, Jr.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 11th, 1999

Danny DeVito

R.E.M.

None

Al Franken

Joe Franken

The Rockettes

Cheryl Hardwick
NBC Special ReportRecurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Arnold Schwarzenegger

Montage

Danny DeVito’s MonologueRecurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.

Press Conference Play Set

Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullin (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) continue their broadcast after the apocalypse.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullin, Teri Rialto.

Mango’s ChristmasRecurring Characters: Mango.

Boston TeensRecurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank.

Happy Holidays from The Ladies’ ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) sings “Merry Christmas To The Ladies.”

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

TV Funhouse

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Eager for his decade to end, teenaged Joe Franken yells at his dad, Al Franken.

R.E.M. performs “The Great Beyond”

Rockettes Open AuditionsSummary: 50-year-old Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon) auditions for The Rockettes.

Recurring Characters: Sally O’Malley.

Oh No, Not My Baby!Recurring Characters: Mrs. Claudine Parker, Mr. Brownstone, Judge Timbler.

R.E.M. performs “Man On The Moon”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 7

99g: Christina Ricci / Beck

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Jacob Silj…..Will Ferrell

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks….Thank you! Ahh, thank you, I’m Colin Quinn, here are tonight’s top stories.

Although 600 demonstrators were arrested this week during protests of the World Trade Organization conference in Seattle. Seattle police say they – the ringleader of the often violent protests against the WTO’s policies of free trade and open competition has been identified as this man. [photo of Bill Gates]

Abroad, the violent demonstrations and rioting that delayed the WTO conference until yesterday were seen as nothing short of evidence that America is gripped by madness and anarchy. Now, what would ever give people that [sign that reads “TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT”] idea?

A new Northern Ireland was born Thursday with the formation of a joint Catholic-Protestant government and the end of 27 years of rule from London. The newfound freedom promises the Irish people a return to the life they knew before British rule — hundreds of years of self-imposed misery.

In entertainment news, rapper Jay-Z was arrested Thursday on charges of stabbing a music executive the previous night during a birthday party for fellow rapper Q-Tip. Partygoers say that they knew there was gonna be trouble when the invitation said the party would last “from 9:00 p.m. until Jay-Z stabs somebody.” [scattered applause]

And it was revealed this week that Kate Shindle, Miss America 1998, is now working as a waitress in a Manhattan deli. It should be noted that if Shindle calls in sick, Miss Montana, her first runner-up, will cover her tables.

Hillary Clinton this week condemned Mayor Rudy Giuliani’s homeless policies and pledged to secure money for federally funded subsidized housing if elected senator. Yeah, it’s true; a senator can do a lot to help the homeless. You know who else can really do a lot to help the homeless? A first lady! [delayed reaction]…The joke was all attitude, and apparently that wasn’t enough for it. All right…

On the medical front, scientists announced Wednesday that they have, for the first time, decoded an entire human chromosome. According to experts, this breakthrough is nothing short of a first step towards unlocking the secrets of our DNA. After the announcement, a concerned O.J. Simpson asked, “I’m still cool, right?” [some applause]…Ah!

The six Republican presidential hopefuls met in New Hampshire this week for their first televised debate ever….George W. Bush took the opportunity to re-emphasize his pledge to cut taxes when he looked into the camera and said, quote, “Read my father’s lips.”

Conservative activist and Republican candidate Gary Bauer, when asked during the debate what his legacy would as – p – would p – be as president, declared that he would resurrect, quote, “the party of Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan.” Lincoln and Reagan. Yeah, those two names go together like “president” and “Gary Bauer.”

Surprisingly, the unofficial winner of the debate may have been conservative radio host and former diplomat Alan Keyes. Pundits predict that after his strong showing, Keyes is now a shoe-in to grab the ballot of every black Republican, provided he remembers to vote. [mixed reaction]…[explains] No, that he remembers; he’s the one….Just waitin’ for it, aren’t you, folks? All right.

For the second day now, NASA scientists are still unable to make contact with the 165-million-dollar Mars Polar Lander. Analysts are now saying this is the most disappointing 165-million-dollar space project since The Phantom Menace. [groans]…You’re right. Uh, it was a real winner, I’m wrong. I’m sorry.

A North Carolina woman who pleaded guilty to manslaughter was sentenced this week to wear a sign reading, “I am a convicted drunk driver and as a result I took a life.” She was last seen being approached by a man wearing a T-shirt that read, “Who likes to party besides me?” [some applause]…Oh! [mockingly smiles and claps when someone in the audience gets the joke] ‘Cause of the…okay.

Frank Amodeo, a cancer victim who is suing the nation’s tobacco companies, testified in Miami Thursday that advertisements featuring celebrities like Mickey Mantle and Ted Williams strongly influenced his decision to begin smoking in the 1950s. In a related story, a man is suing Major League Baseball because he was a Mets fan in the ’80s and is now addicted [photo of Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry] to crack. [cheers and applause]

Police in Hackensack, New Jersey this week wiped out a massive Pokémon counterfeit ring, seizing over one million dollars worth of fake cards. As a public service, here is one of the fake cards parents should be on the lookout for. [doctored photo of a “Gainesachu” card, featuring the body of Pikachu and the head of Chris Gaines with red dots on Gaines’ face]

Gerald Marie, the European president of the Elite modeling agency, quit in disgrace this week after telling a British reporter he planned to have sex with teenage models. I guess one man’s downfall is another man’s [“TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT” sign] presidential platform. [scattered applause]

Some sad news to report tonight: Gene Rayburn, the host of TV’s long-running “Match Game,” died this week at the age of 81. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you send blank.

And finally, on a happier note, Stevie Wonder announced this week that he would consider undergoing an experimental procedure that could allow him to regain his sight. I can’t wait to see the expression on his face the first time he sees Michael Jackson. [cheers and applause]…Ahh! Thank you.

Here with a final word on this week’s events in Seattle is World Trade Organization spokesman Jacob Silj.

[pan over to Jacob, who speaks with a loud monotone voice]

Jacob Silj: Thank you, Colin. This week, the World Trade Organization met in Seattle to discuss matters of great importance. Such as the loosening of trade restrictions that would greatly affect the environment. Unfortunately, delegates were met by hundreds, maybe thousands of protestors. It’s hard to say because of the extreme chaos. One thing’s for sure–

Colin: Listen, Jacob–

Jacob: What? What is it, Colin?

Colin: Do you think you could speak in a normal voice?

Jacob: I am speaking normally.

Colin: No, you’re shouting.

Jacob: Colin, listen to me. I was born without the ability to modulate the volume of my voice. It is an affliction that affects over 700 Americans every year. It is also fully acknowledged by medical communities of both the United States and the United Kingdom. I have extensive literature out in the trunk of my car that I’m happy to run and get for you if you think I’m lying.

Colin: I never said you were lying. Could you just somehow lower your voice?

Jacob: Oh, my God! What did you not understand about what I just said? I can’t do that. I have a disease! Would you ask a blind man to start having vision? Or an old person just to get young again?

Colin: No, of course not.

Jacob: Well?

Colin: Well, what?

Jacob: Would you?

Colin: I already said no!

Jacob: Well, that’s what you’re doing. This is me whispering. This is me shouting. Now I’m singing. Does this sound like a pleasurable way to live? God, I can’t believe he’s doing this to you, Jacob. How humiliating.

Colin: Is that supposed to be a quiet aside to yourself?

Jacob: Of course it was. Oh! You’re just having a field day over there, aren’t you?

Colin: Listen. You don’t have to shout at me.

Jacob: I’m not shouting at you! Believe me, I wish I could, but I can’t! I suffer from voice immodulation. As do hundreds of others in the U.S. and Britain.

Colin: Okay, I apologize, Jacob.

Jacob: Now, no one has learned anything about the World Trade Organization, I hope you’re happy, Colin Quinn.

Colin: I don’t think anyone’s happy here. Jacob Silj, everybody….I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Jacob: That’s a stupid tagline.

Colin: Hey!

Jacob: If you ask me.

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 7

99g: Christina Ricci / Beck

Spartans Holiday Parade

Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Johnny…..Jimmy Fallon
Gabby…..Christina Ricci

Craig & Arianna:
Woodwind, percussion, brass, and baton
Our band’s louder than Chakakhan!
Chakakhan! Chakakhan!

Arianna:I said A-boom-shaka-boom!

Craig: She said A-boom-shaka-boom!

Arianna: I said A-boom-shaka-locka-shaka-locka-shaka-boom!

Craig: She said A-boom-shaka-locka-shaka-locka-shaka-boom!

Arianna: I said A-boom-shaka-ROCKA-shaka-locka-chica-boom!

Craig: She said A-boom-shaka-rocka?

Together: OHH! WHATEVER! She-chica-boom! WHOO! SPARTAN FAN! SPARTAN FAN! (continue cheering random Spartan cheer phrases)

Craig: Arianna, we got an awesome spot for the East Lake Holiday Parade!

Arianna: I know! I’m surprised no one else thought of spending the night on the cold concrete!

Craig: Yeah! Yeah…

Arianna: Lucky for us, we had my Felicity sleeping bag with it’s own Keri Russell home perm kit!

Craig: Ooh! You know she cut her hair?

Arianna: I know! I hope it wasn’t lice.

Craig: Mmm. (agreement)

Arianna: Craig! Here comes the grand marshals! Dustin Diamond from Saved By The Bell…

Craig: And country superstar Juice Newton!

Arianna: Yeah…JUUUUICE!!!

Craig: SCREEEEEECH!!!

Arianna: JUUUUUUUICE!!!!

Craig: SCREEEECH!!!

Arianna: JUUICE! NEWTON!!

Craig: SCREECH! DIAMOND!

Arianna: WHAT?!?! Oh. It’s not them.

Craig: Oh! Okay, let’s kick it!

Arianna: Yeah, let’s kick it!

Together:
V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!Victory, victory is our cry!B-U-T-W-I-P-E!Hey, Butt wipe! You stinky!P-I-M-P-L-E-S!Pimples on your face and you need Strydex!Here, zitty, zitty, zittyPPFFT!HYGIENE! WHOO!

Arianna: (cheering) C’mon, you guys! Twirl it! Don’t hurl it!

Craig: Arianna, I swear, if Roberto Clemente High wins top marching band over us again this year, I’m gonna go jujitsu on their ass!

Arianna: Craig!

Craig: Okay, hiney, whatever! I’m fired up!

Arianna: But, Craig! We got a secret weapon leading flag corps this year and her name is Gabby Malowski!

Craig: I asked you not to say her name.

Arianna: I’m sorry.

Craig: I got a bad crush.

Arianna: Oh, yeah.

Craig: It’s so easy for you. You’re going to the Snowflake Ball with Johnny Pinto, the hot new kid in school.

Arianna: (excited) Yessss!

Craig: I just feel like the odd man out… like Left-Eye from TLC.

Arianna: I know! Why won’t Chili and T-Boz cut her a break?!

Craig: I know.

Arianna: It’s just so damn unpretty.

Craig: I know.

Arianna: Oh my God, Craig! Here comes my new boyfriend Johnny!!

(Johnny Pinto walks on in a marching uniform, carrying a flute)

Arianna: (jumps on him) Johnny! I can’t wait for the Snowflake Ball! I made reservations for us at the International House of Pancakes! Or IHOP as they call it on the streets!

Johnny: Well, first, maybe you should stop off at the International House of Tongue.

(Arianna gasps as her and Johnny make out humorously. Johnny tries to grab Arianna’s boob. Arianna smacks his hand away.)

Arianna: Johnny! Not ’til the Millennium!

Johnny: But the Pinto needs a little A cup now!

Arianna: (scoff) I’m a small B, and no!

Johnny: I got nothin’ but time…

Craig: Damn, Johnny! I bet you’re cool all the way down to your underwear!

Johnny: Don’t wear ’em.

Arianna: (gasp) Oh my God, Craig! My boyfriend is free balling!

Craig: Awesome!

Johnny: Hey, Craig, I heard that Gabby Malowski doesn’t have a date for the Snowflake Ball.

Craig: OH NO!

Arianna: OOOH! Here’s your chance to ask her now! GABBY!

(Craig and Arianna call Gabby’s name. Gabby enters carrying a flag.)

Arianna: Gabby, if I were Polish, and in flag corps…I would wanna be just like you!

Gabby: It’s not flag corps; it’s color guard, queer bomb.

Arianna: Ooh, diss.

Craig: Gabby, would you go with me to the Snowflake Ball? I’ll wax my back for you.

Gabby: Craig, me cool. You not. I’d rather go to the dance with my flag.

Craig: I get called “Flag” a lot, minus the L. So… what about the Snowflake dance? Sounds like a go!

Gabby: Hey! Back hair! Right here. (points to mouth) No!

(Craig and Arianna are disappointed.)

Gabby: Let me give you a tip, new kid in school Johnny Pinto, there’s only one person who’s a bigger loser than Craig… and that’s Arianna.

Johnny: (backs away from Arianna) Whoa. I’m dating a loser?

Gabby: I suggest you cut bait before you get her queer-mite stink on you.

Arianna: (grabs Johnny) It’s already on him! It’s called “Pizzazz” by Kathy Lee Gifford!

Gabby: She’s not even a real cheerleader.

Arianna: Ooh, double diss. I swear! Johnny, I swear, baby, I was gonna tell ya!

Johnny: (pushes Arianna away) Oh, great. Now I smell like dork.

Arianna: Huh?

Gabby: You should just go to the dance with me!

Johnny: Oh yeah? Will you let me touch your boobs?

Gabby: Let you? I’ll make you.

Johnny: Pinto just upgraded to a C cup.

Arianna: (grabs onto Johnny) Aw, baby! You don’t want the milk for free!

Johnny: (pushes Arianna aside) Yes, I do!

(Gabby and Johnny exit together)

Craig: You know what this parade needs?

Arianna: More paper in the Port-A-Potty?

Craig: No. The perfect cheer!

Arianna: Yeesss!

(Craig and Arianna dance to “Shining Star”)

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 7

99g: Christina Ricci / Beck

Sally

Sally Jesse Raphael…..Ana Gasteyer
Jean…..Molly Shannon
Amber…..Christina Ricci
Sergeant Frank….Tracy Morgan

Sally Jesse Raphael: Joining us now is Jean.. Jean, I understand your daughter, Amber, has been causing you a lot of heartache.

Jean: Yes, Sally, she is really out of control. I mean, she swears at me all the time, she bit her little brother’s nose off.. [ boy in audience is shown with bandages on his nose ] ..Last week, I caught her in bed naked with a dog.

Sally Jesse Raphael: Naked with a dog?

Jean: Yes. And we don’t even have a dog.

Sally Jesse Raphael: How old is Amber?

Jean: She’s 13.

Sally Jesse Raphael: 13? And what do you want to tell her today?

[ Amber is shown backstage mocking Jean ]

Jean: Um.. I just want to tell- I just want my little girl back! We used to be real close.. and I just want her to straighten up, and quit drugging, and stay in school!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Let’s bring her out. Amber? Come on out.

[ audience boos as Amber struts onstage ]

Amber: Shut up! You don’t know me – look at you! I lok good, shut up!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Amber, your mother is very worried about you..

Amber: I don’t care!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Are you taking drugs?

Amber: Yes! [ to annoy Jean ] I love drugs, and I love sex! I smoke weed, and I do the nasty with old men! I sometimes make out with girls, sometimes I have sex with people and they don’t even know it!

Jean: I just don’t want you to get pregnant by the dog..

Amber: Shut up! Shut up! I ain’t talking to you!!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Amber! Look at your mother! Why do you think your mother is crying?

Amber: ‘Cause she’s jealous? ‘Cause look at this, y’all.. I got it going on! Sally, you know you want me!

Sally Jesse Raphael: That is a whole other show..

Jean: Amber, I just want..

Amber: Shut up! Shut up! I ain’t talking to YOU!

Sally Jesse Raphael: [ angry ] Now, you listen to me, Missy! You do not talk to your mother like that – not while you’re on my show! If you were my daughter, I would spank the you-know-what out of you, and send you to your room!

[ Amber punches Sally in the nose ]

Ow. [ pause ] Okay. We have got someone here who may be able to get through to you, Amber. He’s taking you away to boot camp, please welcome “Sergeant” Frank. [ Sergeant Frank appears onstage ] While Segeant Frank is not affiliated with the military, or any youth service organizations, he isan intimidating black man.. and he does wear fatigues. Sergeant Frank, tell us how your program works.

Sergeant Frank: [ clutching baseball bat ] I take these wild children, and I get down on them! I eat their disrespect, and like a momma bird, I spit it back in their mouth as re-spect! And through my strictfulness and my disciplinarism, they are re-born!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Go to it, Sergeant Frank.

Sergeant Frank: [ leans over Jean ] I will work that fat right off of you! I will boil you with some eggs, and dip you in flour, and then fry you a new attitude!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Sergeant Frank.. Sergeant Frank.. Jean is the mother.

Amber: [ laughs hysterically ]

Sergeant Frank: You are a beautiful woman, I apologize.. [ turns to Amber ] I will teach you respect! I will humiliate you!

[ he and Amber start yelling simultaneously, until he drags her off the set ]

Sally Jesse Raphael: We’ll see how Amber made out at boot camp, when we come back..

[ cut to fake promos ]

Announcer: Are you an overweight woman over forty who’s cheating on your cheating husband? If so, call the “Sally” show. Sally’s wordrobe provided by Clowntown. Guests of the “Sally” show stay in Lorimer Dog Cages, ’cause they don’t know no better!

Sally Jesse Raphael: We’re back. What you’ve seen so far took place three months ago. We sent Amber to boot camp with Sargeant Frank, and here’s what happened.

[ show film at boot camp ]

Sergeant Frank: [ yelling at Amber on tape ] This is your problem – NO RESPECT!!

Sergeant Frank V/O: Sally.. the first thing these kids need to learn is that somebody cares about them.

[ film shows Amber overpowering Sergeant Frank, knocking him to the ground with his own baseball bat ]

Children need structure to know they’re love. Too many of these kids grow up without a father. I truly believe that if I could just help one child, I could stay in business.

[ film shows Amber making out with Sergeant Frank ]

[ back to Sally in the studio ]

Sally Jesse Raphael: So.. do you think Amber has changed her ways? [ Audience says no ] Let’s find out.. Jean and Amber, come on out. [ Jean enters with an Asian girl ] Jean, how’s it going at home?

Jean: Oh, Sally, it’s great! She’s on the honor roll, she helps out at home, and she’s just growing into a beautiful young woman.

Sally Jesse Raphael: But this is not Amber.

Jean: No.. this is not Amber. I don’t know who this is. This is the girl that Segeant Frank sent back to me, and I love her!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Segeant Frank, where is Amber?

Sergeant Frank: [ in audience, wearing blind shades ] Sally, during an altercation, Amber blinded me with her nail tips and vacated the camp. I don’t currently know where she is now, but, irregardless.. the bitch is crazy!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Well, we have a surprise for you. Our producers found Amber unconcious in the stock room of a Blimpie’s. We’d like to reunite you with Amber.

Jean: [ panicking ] Oh, please, no! No!!

Amber: [ steps onstage, pregnant, starts punching Jean ]

Sergeant Frank: [ stands up and swings his bat ] Stay away from me! I’m BLIND!! [ walks onstage and mistakenly whacks the Asian girl with his bat ]

Sally Jesse Raphael: When we come back, Amber will reveal to her mother that she may be pregnant with biracial dog babies. Don’t stick around! Turn off your TV! Run! Go! Turn it off!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 7

99g: Christina Ricci / Beck

Christina Ricci’s Monologue

…..Christina Ricci
Petina Ricci…..Rachel Dratch

Christina Ricci: Thank you very much, thank you. I’m really happy to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’ve been a big fan of the show since I was little. My parents used to let me stay up and watch the original cast: David Spade, Adam Sandler, Tim Meadows.. yeah, they were awesome! And now I’m hosting. I can’t believe it.

I’ve never been in front of a live audience before. I’ve been making movies since I was eight. Well, actually, my sister and I made movies – because when you’re a child actor, you’re not allowed to work a full day. So I used to share all my parts with my twin sister Petina. So, in “Mermaids” and “The Addams Family”, that’s only half of me. The other half of the time, it was my twin. She’s here tonight. Petina, come up here. She never gets any credit, but she is my other half.

[ Petina steps up, dressed simarily as Christina ]

Petina Ricci: Hi. Hi, I’m Petina Ricci.

Christina Ricci: I would do all the scenes with dialogue.

Petina Ricci: And I did all the scenes that were from far away.. or where the character is sleeping.. or if the character was getting hit by a car.

Christina Ricci: When we got old enough to work a full day, we tried to do the Olsen twins thing and work as a duo. We made one TV movie called “The Great Marmalade Caper: A Ricci Twins Mystery”.

Petina Ricci: Here’s a clip!

Clip begins. C and F are in overalls and pigtails, with skateboards in tow. Every time Christina has a line, Fatina mouths the words along with her, casting furtive glances at the camera.

Christina Ricci: Old lady Mackis must have hidden that marmalade somewhere. I’ll look in Winny’s garage, you look down by the creek.

Petina Ricci: We’ve got to find the key, I know. Where it might be! Christina, let’s hurry. I’m scared.

[ clip ends; dissolve back to Home Base ]

Christina Ricci: After that, we decided as a family that.. um.. only I would continue acting.

Petina Ricci: I work at a dry cleaners.

Christina Ricci: And we’re both very happy.

Petina Ricci: Oppy hoppy, oobie da!

Christina Ricci: Hold on.. she’s talking to me in our secret twin language. [ to Petina ] Hooby gooby galala?

Petina Ricci: Flibby, gooby gooby, raggy, shogy.

Christina Ricci: [ to audience ] She says she’s actually not very happy. She hates her life, and she’s very jealous.

Petina Ricci: Flig flog, flo flu!

Christina Ricci: Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’ll let you tell them about the show. [ to audience ] Would that be alright with you if Petina finished the monologue?

[ the audience agrees ]

Petina Ricci: We have got a great show. Tonight, for you, Beck! Is here. So stick around, we’ll be black!

Christina Ricci: Stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts