Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 3: Episode 9
Air Date:
Host:
Musical Guest:
Special Guests:
Cameos:
Bit Players:
January 21st, 1978
Steve Martin
The Dirt Band
Randy Newman
None
None
Mitchell Laurance
State of the Union 1978Summary: Walter Mondale (Bill Murray), Tip O’Neil (John Belushi), and other attending politicians react with boredom to President Jimmy Carter’s (Dan Aykroyd) State of the Union Address.
Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Walter Mondale, Tip O’Neil.
Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin accuses John Belushi of stealin $59, electrocutes himself, then tells the audience how they can be a millionaire and never pay taxes. First Hosted: 76e.
SwillSummary: A traveling salesman (Bill Murray) savors the flavor of the mineral weater dredged from Lake Erie. Note: Repeat from: 77b.
The Mystery of BigfootSummary: Park Ranger (Steve Martin) doesn’t realize that the friendly mountaineer (John Belushi) with large feet is the supposed Bigfoot create he’s been hunting.
The Festrunk BrothersSummary: Jorge (Steve Martin) and Yortuk Festrunk (Dan Aykroyd) are prepared to swing with a pair of computer dates, fully expecting them to be American girls with big breasts and not like-minded Croatian woman (Jane Curtin, Laraien Newman).
Body FlossSummary: The Swedish cleaning string that makes hygeine fun.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Consumer reporter Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner) wanders from a commentary on a viewer’s heating problem to her disgust with toenails.
Randy Newman performs “Short People” & “Rider In The Rain”First Performed: 75b.
Family FeudSummary: The Conehead Family (Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman) compete against the Romaine lettuce-loving Mel Family (Steve Marton, Gilda Radner, John Belushi).
Man…..Bill Murray Woman…..Gilda Radner Spokeswoman…..Laraine Newman Charlie Glatt…..John Belushi Steve Larne…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on title card ]
Announcer: The following is a dramatic re-enactment by the American Date the Self-Concious Association.
[ dissolve to a self-concious man and woman sitting on a couch, self-concious in all areas – sniffing her arms, checking his pants zipper, checking their breath, fiudgeting on the couch as much as possible in order to avoid having to say anything ]
Man: Did you – did you say something?
Woman: I-I’m sorry.. what?
[ they continue to fidget, as we dissolve to the Spokeswoman ]
Spokeswoman: Acute self-conciousness can be tragic. Of course, everybody is self-concious, but not everybody is aware of it. These people are. Painfully so. So, let’s watch more closely, as they attempt to make a date for New Year’s Eve.
[ dissolve back to the couple fidgeting on the couch ]
Man: Hi, how are you?
Woman: Fine, how are you?
Man: Fine. How are you?
Woman: Fine, how are you?
[ a brief, awkward silence, then: ]
Together: Nice day, huh —
Man: [ chuckles ] No, no, go ahead!
Woman: No, no, no —
Man: No, no! I was gonna say, “Go ahead!”
Woman: No, you go ahead, you said —
Man: No, it’s alright. I can wait.
Woman: [ nervously ] Um.. look, uh.. uh.. just ignore me, uh.. it’s just that, a-a-as I listen to myself, I just hear myself saying, as I listen to myself, and I’m thinking to myself as I listen to myself — [ stops to laugh ] Oh! That’s the third time I’ve said, “As I listen to myself!” That’s four! I said it four times!
Man: [ chuckles with her ] Uh.. th-that’s okay, I wasn’t listening. No, no, wait! I mean I wasn’t listening to the part you didn’t want me to hear!
[ they laugh nervously, looking away from one another ]
Man: Uh, uh.. you, uh.. you w-wouldn’t w-want to go out with me on New Year’s, would ya’? [ shakes his head ] No! Of course not!
Woman: I really w-w-wouldn’t be any fun, you’d hate it!
[ they laugh nervously, looking away from one another, as we dissolve back to the Spokeswoman ]
Spokeswoman: Pretty pathetic. These people are much too self-concious ever to get together. Which is a pity, because they have so much in common – they’re both twitching wrecks. I understand their pain, because I, too, used to be self-concious. I’ve just about licked it, except for occasaionally when there are a lot of people, uh.. [ suddenly aware of the studio audience ] ..watching me. [ a beat ] A whole lot of people watching me.. [ raises her left hand to nervously twirl her hair, then moves down to rub her nose ] They’re watching me now, aren’t they? [ keeps rubbing her nose ] Is something hanging out of my nose? [ losers her hand, smiles nervously ] It’s okay.. I’m all right! There’s no hope for a happy New Year’s for the acutely self-concious. Not unless they’re fortunate enough to meet someone so extremely obnoxious, that he or she doesn’t notice their acute self-conciousness.
[ camera pans out to reveal an extremely obnoxious man dressed in really loud, obnoxious clothing ]
Spokeswoman: On my left here, is Charlie Glatt, Secretary/Treasurer for the Society for the Extremely Obnoxious.
Charlie Glatt: Hi, how are ya’?
[ he holds out his hand to shake, but he has a joy buzzer hidden in his palm. Spokeswomnan shaes his hand and receives the zap, to Charlie’s delight ]
Charlie Glass: Hiya, hiya, hiya! Glad to be here! Glad to be anywhere! Charlie’s the name, and charm’s the game! Ha haaaa!! As an extremely obnoxious person, I used to strike out with classy broads New Year’s after New Year’s! Until one lucky day, I met this pathetic lame-o who was so acutely self-concious, she didn’t even notice how extremely obnoxious I was! [ laughs, hits his buzzer, twists his cap ]
Spokeswoman: The self-concious know who they are. But extremely obnoxious people don’t. [ Charlie continues to make noises and faces next to her ] Or else, they’d be self-concious about it. Maybe you’re unsure whether you’re obnoxious enough to date the self-concious. If so, why not drop by the League For The Brutally Tactless, and find out for yourself? We’re sorry we don’t have anybody from the Brutally Tactless League here to speak for themselves, but they refused to be in this public service message because they said it was really stupid. But we are fortunate enough to have with us, a member of the Really Stupid People’s Amalgamation, Steve Larne.
[ camera pans out to reveal a stupid man dressed like a dork in a red-and-white sweater and ski cap ]
Steve Larne: [ loudly ] We don’t have money for our own TV ad! So give us money and be nice to us, and take us out for New Year’s todaaaaay!
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: This has been a message from the Acutely Self-Concious/Extremely Obnoxious Coalition in conjunction with the League For The Brutally Tactless and with a cameo by the Really Stupid People’s Amalgamation.
[A little girl sits on a department store Santa’s lap.Santa laughs.]
Girl: Mr. Santa?
Santa: Yes, my dear?
Girl: For Christmas, could I have a Busy BrendaMystery Action Vacuum Cleaner Doll?
Santa: Nope. Sorry.
Girl: Well, Mr. Santa, could I please have thebattery-operated Dog Family?
Santa: Noooo.
Girl: Well, could I please have a Flexy the PocketMonkey?
Santa: No, you may not have a Flexy the Pocket Monkey!
Girl: Mr. Santa, could I have a Ready Ranger FieldSet?
Santa: Nope, no Field Set. But, you know, I’ll tellya, there’s something I WILL give you. Santa’s TrapDoor! Ha! [Santa spreads his legs and the girl tumblesto the floor] Whoa! One of Santa’s oldest bits! And heloves it!
Girl: [climbs back into Santa’s lap] Mister–
Santa: You fell for it, stupid! What else don’t youwant?
Girl: Well–
Santa: Or want – want and just can’t have!
Girl: Mr. Santa, could I please have some Clay-Doh?
Santa: Oh ho, you want Clay-Doh?
Girl: Yeah.
Santa: Isn’t that adorable?
Girl: Yes! I just want, uh, some Clay-Doh so I cantake it and build my parents a summer house.
Santa: Enough Clay-Doh to build a summer house …
Girl: Yeah.
Santa: … for your parents?
Girl: Yeah.
Santa: Well, since that is an awful lot of Clay-Doh –and because you want it so much — I’ll just have tosay … NO! HA! I love it!
Girl: Mr. Santa, then, could I please have a set ofPez? They don’t cost very much and they’re very, verytiny, and sometimes they’re even free.
Santa: Well, that’s not a very big request forChristmas and since that’s all you want — YOU CAN’THAVE IT! OHHH! Santa’s really getting off on this! HA!Look, there is something–
Girl: Why not?
Santa: No, honey, there is something I do want to giveyou.
Girl: What’s that?
Santa: SANTA’S TRAP DOOR AGAIN!!! I LOVE IT! [Santaspreads his legs and the girl tumbles to the floor]OH! SANTA’S REALLY GETTING IT OFF! [takes a bottlefrom his pocket]
Girl: [climbs back into Santa’s lap] Mr. Santa! [offthe bottle] What’s this, Mr. Santa?
Santa: This is for the brothers that aren’t here.[takes a swig]
Girl: Is that for when you’re thirsty?
Santa: Yes, that’s right, you little brat. [pocketsthe bottle] Santa has to stay warm because he he hasto fly back to the North Pole every single day. Now,if you be a good girl, keep your trap shut and don’ttell mommy about Santa’s little bottle, I’ll bring youeverything you want. Now, here’s – here’s a candy canefor you, my dear. [gives the girl a candy cane]
Girl: Oh, thank you, Mr. Santa!
Santa: You’re welcome.
Girl: This is the nicest talk we ever had.
Santa: Ha ha! Is it?
Girl: Mr. Santa, look! There’s something on yourbeard! Right here! [puts a finger on his beard]
Least-Loved Bedtime Tale: The Soiled Kimono Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Laraine … Laraine Newman Mr. Mike … Michael O’Donoghue “Fingers,” the Pianist … Cheryl Hardwick
[Sound of thunder crashing and rain pouring down as weopen on an exterior view of a brick building framed bypalm fronds. Above a broken window, a sign reads:CORAL WATERS BAR & GRILL. Through the window, we see auniformed sailor seated at a table and a bartenderstanding behind the bamboo bar wiping down thecountertop. As we slowly zoom forward through thewindow, the noises of the storm outside disappear andwe hear piano music.
We slowly zoom in on the bearded, bespectacledbartender: Mr. Mike — a thin gentleman who wears adark suit, no necktie, a shirt open at the collar anddark eyeglasses. A lit cigarillo is clenched betweenhis teeth as he wipes the bar with a cloth. On thewall behind him: numerous bottles of liquor, a fishnet, and a huge fish, stuffed and mounted.
It’s near closing time: chairs have been put up ontables and the only customer is the half-conscioussailor who hunches over his drink while smoking acigarette. The pianist, a young woman nicknamed”Fingers,” sits at a piano decorated with a plasticsilver and blue Christmas tree. She plays a slow,quiet version of “Have Yourself a Merry LittleChristmas.”
Laraine, a thin woman in a red evening gown enters thebarroom and walks unsteadily to the bar where she sitson a stool. In the background, a glowing neon signreads: MR. MIKE’S Coral Waters Cafe. Laraine, slurringher words, drunkenly addresses Mr. Mike who polishes aglass with his cloth.]
Laraine: M-Mr. Mike, I – I need a Least-LovedBedtime Tale. I need one real bad.
Mr. Mike: Sure thing, Laraine, but I’m afraidyou’re gonna have to sing for it.
Laraine: Aw, Mr. Mike, you know I can’t singany more — not since I started hitting thesauce.
Mr. Mike: Well, if you wanna hear a Least-LovedBedtime Tale, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to sing thearia from Madame Butterfly.
Laraine: Sing the aria from MadameButterfly? [looks away, distressed] I can’t singthat. I – I – I could sing “These Boots areMade for Walking.” [thinks] Or any old Nancy Sinatrasong. [desperate] Please, don’t make me sing the ariafrom Madame Butterfly, please.
Mr. Mike: Sorry, cupcake, but – no aria, nobedtime tale. That’s how it is.
Laraine: Well, in that case, I–
Mr. Mike: [abruptly, to the pianist who glancesat him] Say, “Fingers,” why don’t you accompany thelittle lady on the piano while I mix her up one of myspecial drinks, the – the one I call – [into thecamera] – the Soiled Kimono.
[“Fingers” plays and a reluctant Laraine bravelystruggles through the aria (“Un bel dì” a.k.a. “OneFine Day”), singing in a screechy, drunken voice. Asshe does, Mr. Mike casually fixes the drink on the barbeside her.]
Laraine: [sings] One fine day, we’ll notice A tiny smoke cloud nearing On the sea, in the far horizon, And then his ship appearing
[During the first few lines of the aria, asuperimposed text scrolls by:]
HOW TO MAKE A SOILED KIMONOMix 2/3 glass costly French champagneWith 1/3 glass Japanese plum wineAnd top with apaper butterfly.Laraine: [sings] Now the mighty war ship Slowly comes to harbor Cannons roar a welcome See, there, how I know it!
[Over the rest of the song, another – longer -superimposed text scrolls by:]
THE STORY OF THE DRINK
A Japanese aviator was angry with an unfaithful Geisha girl. “Take this!” he said, flinging 2/3rds of a glass of costly French champagne in her face. “And this!” he said, flinging 1/3rd of a glass of Japanese plum wine in her face. “And this!” he said, flinging a paper butterfly in her face. “Why this tastes delicious!” she exclaimed, kissed him, and then hit him in the lungs with a gardening tool. The end.
Laraine: [sings] I’m dying of rejoicing And then, in agitation, He will call, he will call: “My precious little darling, My lovely silver goddess!” Those loving names I will always remember All I say will come true, you must believe me! Love cannot be mistakened But, there, can beat unshakened Foreverrrrrrrrrrr!
[Laraine hits some long high notes on the last fewsyllables just as the scrolling text ends.Simultaneously, Mr. Mike tops off the Soiled Kimonowith a paper butterfly which twists and turns in theglass. Much applause. Laraine, trembling andexhausted, reaches for the drink but can barely liftit. She lowers her head. In the background, “Fingers”quietly plays “The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roastingon an Open Fire)” throughout the rest of thesketch.]
Mr. Mike: [hands the glass to Laraine] Here,drink this, kid. I – I think you’re gonna needit.
Laraine: Okay. [desperate] Now will you tell mea Least-Loved Bedtime Tale, please? [puts her hand onhis] Y-you promised.
Mr. Mike: Well, I’m afraid not, dollface.
Laraine: [distressed] Butwhy?
Mr. Mike: Because you sang lousy, that’s why.’Cause you don’t deserve a “Least-Loved BedtimeTale.”
Laraine: [on the verge of tears] Oh, Mr. Mike,you’re so cruel!
Mr. Mike: Well – [Laraine sobs] – sometimes ya- you have to be cruel, Laraine.
Laraine: [thinks she understands, looks up athim] In order to be kind, Mr. Mike?
Mr. Mike: No, in – in order to be even crueler.Now, scram. Put an egg in your shoe and beat it. It’sclosing time.
[Mr. Mike turns away from Laraine who looks at thepaper butterfly in her drink and twirls it in herfingers. After a pause, she asks Mr. Mike:]
Laraine: Do – do you eat the butterfly?
[Mr. Mike turns to stare at Laraine for a long, longmoment as the camera pulls back and away. Finally, heturns his back to her and looks around for a clothwith which to wipe down the liquor bottles behind him.Applause. We pull slowly back to reveal the nowunconscious sailor slumped face down at his table. Wepull all the way back through the broken window to endon the same exterior view of the building with whichwe began. Sounds of thunder and rain. Fadeout.]
Buck Henry: Thank you. You want me to take that from you..? [ reaches for Mrs. Spillman’s fruit basket ] No.. of course not.
[ Buck addresses the audience ]
A few weeks ago, if you’ll remember, there was a contest running, called the “Anyone Can Host the Saturday Night Show” contest. There were.. many thousands of entries – 150,000, roughly – and there were five finalists that I had the privilege of presenting a few weeks ago. And the final votes were tabulated by, services provided by Ventura Associates. And tonight, by a proximate margin of 15,000 votes, I am honored and pleased to present the winner.. [ tries to take the fruit basket, but is resisted by Mrs. Spillman ] ..of the “Anyone Can Host” contest, your hostess for tonight, Mrs. Miskel Spillman!
[ wild applause from audience ]
Mrs. Spillman, I know that there are probably a number of things that you want to say to the great American audience.
Miskel Spillman: [ still high from John Belushi’s Maui Waui ] Wow! This is really weird! There’s so much happening. But it almsot seems like everything’s in slow motion. I mean.. am I making sense? Or am I blowing it? I don’t know, I can’t tell. The producer, a nice young man, told me to just flow with it and have a good time. But I didn’t really know what he meant.. until Belushi visited me in my dressing room. And the colors. Wow-ow!
Announcer: And now, Public Access Cable Television Channel D presents.. “E. Buzz Miller’s Art Classics”.
[ dissolve to E. Buzz Miller and Christie Christina sitting on a couch in a darkened room ]
E. Buzz Miller: Good evening, welcome to Public Access Cable Channel D, this is “Art Classics”. I’m your host, E. Buzz Miller. And my lovely guest to my left here is Miss Christie Christina, and she’s opening at the Coach & Pull Bar tomorrow night. But enough talk, let’s get right to tonight’s art classics.
[ E. Buzz holds up painting of naked woman lying on a bed ]
E. Buzz Miller: Now, the first one here is called Venus of Irbino, and it was painted in 1538 by a guy in Venice. And, this is for real, his name is spelled T-I-T-I-A-N. Titian! Honest to God!
Christie Christina: [ giggles profusely ]
E. Buzz Miller: He’s a very famous respected artist, and this is a bona fide art treasure. And I don’t think anybody could disagree that this is a really nice painting of a broad on a couch! How about you, Christie? You’re an artist.
Christie Christina: Well.. I’m an artist and an entertainer! [ giggles profusely ]
E. Buzz Miller: Yeah, right! [ laughs ]
Christie Christina: [ giggles profusely ] But I think she’s very heavy.
E. Buzz Miller: Well, of course.. but, back then, that’s the way they liked them. You know.
Christie Christina: Oh. [ giggles profusely ]
[ E. Buzz holds up a painting of a gathering in the woods ]
E. Buzz Miller: Okay, here’s another one, painted by the same guy – Titian. He painted these broads in 1555, so.. it’s a classic! As you can see, he was a master of lights, colors and shapes. And, uh, we blew up this picture here with a little more detail. [ holds up superimposed painting of the sole naked woman in the original painting ] What do I see there, Christie? I see something there. Do you see something there?
Christie Christina: Yes, I do! [ giggles profusely ]
E. Buzz Miller: [ points to the woman’s pointed nipple ] Right.. there! You see? He didn’t leave a thing off, did he!
Christie Christina: [ giggles profusely ]
[ E. Buzz holds up painting of a small angel climbing onto a naked woman ]
E. Buzz Miller: Okay, moving on to the 17th, 18th century – I’m not sure. Uh.. this is by a French guy called . It’s called Love Disarmed, it was painted in the 17th or 18th century – who cares! It’s a timeless art classic! You know, legitimate art! You pay a fortune for them in a museum, you know? Now, these French, they started early. Just look at that little guy there. He looks like quite an operator! [ laughs ] Look like he knows what he’s doing! What do you think he’s doing there, Christie?
Christie Christina: I don’t know! [ giggles profusely ]
E. Buzz Miller: I’ll bet you don’t! [ laughs ] Okay, a couple of quickies.
[ E. Buzz holds up a painting of another woods gathering ]
E. Buzz Miller: This one here is an Impressionistic piece – it’s by Manet, an Impressionist, a French guy. And this is a very famous painting – art classic – called Le Dejenoai ser Larbe. Which means, Picnic in the Woods. Now, you look close. These two guys are having lunch.. and this broad hasn’t got a stitch on! Bon appetit, boys! [ laughs ]
[ E. Buzz holds up a painting of a buxom bouse hanging from a rack behind a pair of high hell shoes ]
E. Buzz Miller: Okay, now this, this is kinda crazy. This is a futuristic surrealist painting, by another French guy – – he did this in 1947.. and I-I-I don’t know why I like this one so much, it’s kinda crazy. What do you think, Christie?
Christie Christina: Well.. it looks like something you’d buy in a novelty store.
E. Buzz Miller: Where the heck, did’ya get that? [ looking at the painting again ] Oh, I see, like one of those plastic things hanging up on the – Yeah, I see that!
Well, we’ve just about run out of time. Coming up next on Public Access Channel D: “Father Tim McCarthy’s Pause For Thought”. So, you’ll wanna watch that, okay? And, uh, we’re gonna go out now, with my personal little statue here, the Venus De Milo. [ holds up the famous statue ] A very famous sculpture that’s had its arms missing for thousands of years, but nobody seems to mind – I know I don’t! [ laughs ] This is E. Buzz Miller and Christie saying good night!
Christie Christina: Good bye! [ giggles ]
E. Buzz Miller: She is a sweetheart! [ rubs Venus de Milo’s marble nipple ]
[ camera pans away from set, zooms up to random audience member ]
… Jane Curtin … Miskel Spillman Helen … Gilda Radner Robert … John Belushi Doctor … Dan Aykroyd Nurse … Laraine Newman
Jane Curtin: [sits in front of a well-trimmed Christmas tree,addressing the camera] Every holiday season, it’salways comforting to read classic Christmas storiesthat are loved the world over. Stories where peoplegive of themselves to someone they love. [Pull back toreveal eighty-year old host Miskel Spillman sittingbeside Jane] One of our favorites here at SaturdayNight — and we’re sure it’s one of yours — is “TheGift of the Magi” and we’d like to share it with youagain.
Miskel Spillman: [to Jane] Oh, “The Gift of the Magi” is one ofmy favorites.
Jane Curtin: [touches Miskel’s arm] Oh, good! Good. [readsfrom a book] Once upon a time, not so long ago, therewas a man and a woman who loved each other very much.His name was Robert and her name was Helen and thiswas their first Christmas together as man and wife.The young couple had little money but were very richin spirit because they had each other. [Dissolve toHelen’s hospital room] And though young Helen was inthe hospital with a failing kidney, it still didn’tdampen the couple’s Christmas spirit.
[Long-haired Helen lies in her hospital bed as Robertholds her hand.]
Helen: Oh, Robert! They’re looking for a donor now.[Robert kisses Helen’s hand lovingly]
Jane’s Voice: [narrating] Helen was a beautiful girlwhose long, raven hair was the envy of all who knewher and a source of pride to Robert.
Robert: [takes old-fashioned watch from his pocket andopens it] Oh. It’s time to brush your hair. [Helenholds the watch while, using a white hair brush,Robert grooms Helen’s flowing locks.]
Jane’s Voice: [narrating] And Robert’s most prizedpossession was an antique gold watch, a pricelessheirloom which had been in his family for generations.
Helen: Oh! I always think of this watch as part ofyou, Robert. So steady and reliable.
Robert: Yes, but the watch is working — and I haven’tgot a job.
Helen: Oh, Robert. Don’t worry. It’s Christmastime.It’s a season of hope. Things will get better.
[Dissolve back to Jane and Miskel.]
Jane Curtin: And it was hope that they lived on as, thisChristmas, they were too poor to exchange gifts. Andeven if they could, Helen’s sickness hung over themlike a dark cloud.
Miskel Spillman: [to Jane] What a shame.
Jane Curtin: [nods, deeply moved] I know.
[Dissolve back to hospital room where Robert and adoctor stand over a sleeping Helen and confer.]
Doctor: The test came back. You’re a perfect donor.[Robert sighs with relief] We can perform thetransplant immediately. Your wife will be very happy.
Robert: Please don’t tell her I’m the donor, doctor. Iwant it to be a surprise.
Doctor: Okay, if that’s the way you want it. Uh, bythe way, I really hate to bring this up now but, uh,this is a very expensive operation.
Robert: That’s all right, doctor. [holds up hispriceless watch] I know where I can get my hands onsome money. [Robert sadly closes the watch as he andthe doctor walk off.]
Jane’s Voice: [narrating] And, while Robert wassolving one problem, Helen was dealing with a similarone.
Helen: [wakens, brushes her hair as a nurse enters]Oh, nurse! I don’t know what to do. For Robert and me,this may be our first and our last Christmas together.[If] I just knew where I could get the money to buyRobert a gift.
Nurse: Well, do you have anything you can sell?
Helen: No. [pauses and stares at her hand which holdsthe white hair brush filled with her hair] Oh! Wait!No, I– Maybe … Yes! I – I’ll do it!
[Dissolve back to Jane and Miskel.]
Jane Curtin: So Helen and Robert, because of their boundlesslove for each other, gave of themselves and were ableto exchange Christmas gifts that morning.
Miskel Spillman: [to Jane] I feel like crying.
Jane Curtin: [to Miskel] So do I.
[Dissolve back to hospital room where Robert, nowwearing a bathrobe, clutches his side as the nursehelps him to Helen’s bed.]
Nurse: Your wife should be awakening any time now.
[Robert sits on the edge of the bed and looks at Helenwho now wears a white hospital cap on her head.]
Nurse: There. I’ll leave you two alone. MerryChristmas. [exits]
Robert: [wakes Helen] Merry Christmas, Helen. It’s allover, honey. You got your new kidney.
Helen: Oh, how wonderful! Oh, I – I just wish I knewwho the donor was so I could thank him. Robert? Whyare you wearing your robe?
Robert: Don’t worry, baby. It’s all right. We’ll bothbe fine.
Helen: Oh, no! Oh, you mean–? Oh, no! Oh, Robert! Youwere the donor! Oh, Robert!
Robert: Well, I figured I had two, so … why not?What – what’d you get me?
Helen: [hands him a small box she has hidden beneaththe bedcovers] Merry Christmas, Robert. I love you.
Helen: It’s a chain for your watch! Oh, quick … Getout your watch, darling, and let me see what it lookslike on it.
Robert: I can’t, sweetie. I – I sold the watch to payfor the surgery. But that’s not important. How did youget the money to buy this chain?
Helen: [nervously puts a hand to the cap on her head]Well, I – I sold my …
Robert: [stares in horror] No! You didn’t! You–?
Helen: Yes, I – I sold my hair brush. [pulls cap offher head, revealing her long, uncut hair] Yes. See,the bounce is gone but it was worth it.
Robert: [suddenly upset] You what? Is that all youthink I’m worth, you cheap slut?! Boy, was I mistakenabout you! I sell my watch that’s been in my familyfor a hundred years, I give ya my kidney, and you sella stupid hair brush to buy me some junk jewelry, huh?![throws the chain at her pillow where it bounces offonto the floor]
Helen: Yeah, but wait a minute! The – the brush meanta lot to me! It had Nylon bristles!
Robert: [mocks her mercilessly] Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah,nyeah, nyeah, nyeah! [yells] Nylon bristles, you face!You selfish pig! [slaps her across the face] Icould’ve been watching the ball game or reading athome! But nooooooooooooooo! I had to give ya my kidneyAND my watch!
Helen: Yeah, but, Robert, I’ve been sick! I didn’thave time to shop!
Robert: Oh! Ya didn’t have time to shop! I had thetime, huh? They’re yankin’ my kidney out of me! I gota scar as big as Europe! Well, it’s the last time it’sgoing to happen! [starts strangling her] MerryChristmas! Arrrggghhh!
[Dissolve back to Jane and Miskel.]
Jane Curtin: Robert – Robert was right. He was right when hesaid, it’s the gift, not the thought that counts. Theydon’t call it “The Thought of the Magi.” It’s “TheGift…”
Miskel Spillman: [to Jane] You’re damn right.
Jane Curtin: [to the camera] Merry Christmas!
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Very Famous, Somewhere” ]
Announcer: “How The Grinch Raped And Strangled Christmas” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC may present the following special program.
[ open on John Belushi and Laraine Newman in the cast locker room ]
Laraine Newman: Well, I think it’s pretty exciting having an eighty-year-old grandmother host the show.
John Belushi: Yeah, but what if she forgets her lines?
Laraine Newman: Oh, don’t worry, she won’t. Let me tell you something – you should be as together when you’re eighty as Mrs. Spillman is.
John Belushi: Don’t worry. I’ll be dead by thirty.
[ Buck Henry enters ]
Laraine Newman: Hi, Buck.
John Belushi: Hey, Buckaroo! How’s it going?
Buck Henry: Okay. Hey, have either of you seen Mrs. Spillman recently?
John Belushi: Yeah, I just left her dressing room about twenty minutes ago. Why?
Buck Henry: Well, I checked in on her, and she’s lying on her back looking at a bowl of fruit with her radio turned on full blast.
Laraine Newman: Well, she’s eighty-years-old – maybe she’s hard of hearing.
Buck Henry: No, that’s not it. She’s acting very strange.
John Belushi: Well, she was a little nervous when I saw her, so I just told her a few things to loosen her up. You know, that being nervous is natural, and how we’re all a little nervous, too.. and I found out she knows some people I met in New Orleans during Mardi Gras.. [ casually ] ..and then we smoked a joint and she calmed down.
Buck Henry: [ upset ] You smoked a joint with Mrs. Spillman?!
Laraine Newman: One of your joints?!
Buck Henry: Are you kidding!
John Belushi: Yeah, it works for me.. I figured she needed it. Come on.
Buck Henry: Does she know what it is?
John Belushi: I told her it was a French cigarette.
Laraine Newman: John! How could you?
Buck Henry: John, your joints overwhelm even as experienced drug user like myself.
Laraine Newman: What did you give her? The ones with the rhino tranquilizer?
John Belushi: No! Are you kidding? To an eighty-year-old grandmother? We smoked a joint of Wauhauken, and Maui Wowie, blended with a little hash oil.. It calmed her right down.
Buck Henry: Well, she’s in Hawaii right now, with her old friend Mr. Fruit Bowl. And I’ve got to go out there in a minute and introduce the winner of the Anyone Can Host Contest, America’s oldest living doper.
John Belushi: Less than a minute, Buck.. ’cause we’re live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
[ open on Mom and Dad drinking egg nog in front of the Christmas tree ]
Mom: It’s going to be so nice having Jeffy home from college. Oh, and I’m dying to meet his girlfriend, aren’t you?
Dad: I know.. he’s never really been serious about a girl before. It’s funny, you know.. [ laughing ] I never really discussed the subject of sex with him ever – and now he’s like a married man!
Mom: Well, your son goes to college, leaves home, he’s bound to grow up.
Dad: Things sure changed since I was a kid!
Mom: [ hears sound from outside, smiles ] That’s Jeff’s Volkswagen van, I know it!
Dad: [ runs to the door ] I hope he’s still doing his own tune-up.
Jeff: [ bursts through door with suitcase ] Hi, Dad!
[ they hug ]
Dad: Welcome home!
Jeff: [ drops suitcase ] I’m just gonna leave my stuff here – I gotta go help Sharon with the rest of her stuff! I’m dying for you to meet her! [ runs back out ]
Dad: Come on in, it’s cold out there!
[ Jeff re-enters with elderly girlfriend, his parents don’t seem to mind or notice ]
Jeff: Sharon, this is my Mom and my Dad.
Sharon: Wow, I’ve heard so much about you!
Mom: Well, we’ve been dying to meet you, Sharon! Let me take your coat.
Sharon: Alright!
Dad: [ laughing ] I hope Jeff hasn’t made his old man sound like too much of an ogre!
Sharon: Oh, he really looks up to you.
Jeff: Look, I thought I’d take our stuff up to my room..
Mom: Well, I thought Sharon could stay in your room, and you could sleep on the fold-out couch.
Jeff: Aw, come on, Mom.. we’ll sleep together in my old room. I mean, we live together – why should it make any difference here at home?
Dad: Jeff, you’re in our house now, and as long as you’re under our roof you’ll abide by our rules.
Mom: If you two love each other and live together, why don’t you get married?
Jeff: Well, I wanted to.. but Sharon thought it would put too much pressure on our relationship.
Sharon: It’s not out of the question, but not just yet.
Jeff: Yeah..
Mom: [ to Dad ] Well, why don’t you and Jeff go upstairs to have a little talk? And that’ll give me and Sharon a chance to get acquainted.
Jeff: Okay.. I’m sorry my parents are like this, Sharon.
Sharon: Oh, that’s okay. My parents are like that, too.
Jeff: Yeah.
Dad: Come on, Jeff.. [ they retreat upstairs ]
Mom: Come on, Sharon. [ they sit on the couch ] Now.. I understand you’re an upperclassman at the university?
Sharon: That’s right.
Mom: And you’re majoring in Theatre?
Sharon: Yes, but I’m also going to teach.
Mom: Oh.. so you’ll have something to fall back on.
Sharon: Something to fall back on!
Mom: Exactly! Exactly! Now, I suppose you think that Jeff’s father and I are a little old-fashioned..
Sharon: Oh, that’s okay. I’m a bit old-fashioned myself.
Mom: Sharon, have you ever been in love before?
Sharon: Yes. Twice.
Mom: Well, you know.. as a mother speaking, I’m only looking out for Jeff. He’s a very sensitive boy, and I just don’t want him to get hurt.
Sharon: I understand.
Mom: Oh, Sharon, I think you and I are going to get along just fine!
[ the men return downstairs ]
Dad: Well, Jeffy and I came to a decision. [ sits ] I give in. You two lovebirds can stay upstairs. I’m just glad my own mother isn’t alive to see it.
Mom: [ standing ] Okay, everybody, dinner will be ready in about.. [ checks watch ] ..half-an-hour!
Jeff: Oh..
Sharon: Okay, Jeff, let’s go upstairs.
Jeff: Thirty minutes? Uh.. Mom, Dad, that’s okay?
Mom: Sure.
Jeff: Okay, let’s bolt!
[ Jeff and Sharon run upstairs, as the scene zooms out ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 3: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 17th, 1977 Miskel Spillman Elvis Costello Al Franken Tom Davis Michael O’Donoghue Buck Henry Joe Franken Phoebe Franken Miskel Spillman’s Graddaughter Tom Schiller Mitchell Laurance Cheryl Hardwick Miskel’s JointSummary: Buck Henry and Laraine Newman are horrified to learn that John Belushi helped calm down the “Anyone Can Host” contest winner’s nerve by offering her a joint. Transcript
Montage
Miskel Spillman’s MonologueSummary: Mellowed out thanks to John Belushi, “Anyone Can Host” contest winner Miskel Spillman guards her treasured fruit bowl from Buck Henry. Transcript
Meat Wagon Action Track SetSummary: When racing cars wreck, the toy ambulance kit comes to the rescue.
American Date the Self-Concious AssociationSummary: American Date the Self-Concious Association spokeswoman (Laraine Newman) recommends that members of her organization pair off with members of the Society for the Extremely Obnoxious. Transcript
The Gift Of The MagiSummary: Robert (John Belushi) sells his watch and donates a kidney for his ailing wife, Helen (Gilda Radner), but she only sells her hair brush in order to buy him a cheap watch chain for Christmas. Transcript
Elvis Costello performs “Watching the Detectives”Also Performed: 88o, 90t.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydRecurring Characters: Emily Litella.
Sartresky & HutchSummary: The philosophical Sartresky (Dan Aykroyd) and the rough-and-tumble Hutch (John Belushi) mediate a hostage situation involving an old friend (Bill Murray).
The Franken & Davis ShowSummary: Al Franken sings a musical tribute to his parents, Joe and Phoebe, until a painful childhood memory brings out the worst in him.
E. Buzz Miller’s Art ClassicsSummary: E. Buzz Miller (Dan Aykroyd) and co-host Christie Christina (Laraine Newman) look for naughty symbolism in classic works of art. Recurring Characters: E. Buzz Miller, Christie Christina. Transcript
Elderly GirlfriendSummary: Jeff (John Belushi) surprises his parents (Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin) by bringing home an elderly girlfriend (Miskel Spillman) for Christmas. Transcript
Santa Says NoSummary: A drunken department store Santa (Bill Murray) delights in denying a little girl (Gilda Radner) gifts for Christmas. Transcript
Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tale: The Soiled KimonoSummary: In a scene reminiscent of Edward G. Robinson and Clair Trevor in “Key Largo”, Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) forces Laraine Newman to sing an aria from “Madame Butterfly” if she wants to hear his least-loved bedtime tale of how the Soiled Kimono drink got its name. Recurring Characters: Mr. Mike. Transcript
Summary: Walter Mondale (Bill Murray), Tip O’Neil (John Belushi), and other attending politicians react with boredom to President Jimmy Carter’s (Dan Aykroyd) State of the Union Address.
Summary: Steve Martin accuses John Belushi of stealin $59, electrocutes himself, then tells the audience how they can be a millionaire and never pay taxes.
Summary: A traveling salesman (Bill Murray) savors the flavor of the mineral weater dredged from Lake Erie.
Summary: Park Ranger (Steve Martin) doesn’t realize that the friendly mountaineer (John Belushi) with large feet is the supposed Bigfoot create he’s been hunting.
Summary: Jorge (Steve Martin) and Yortuk Festrunk (Dan Aykroyd) are prepared to swing with a pair of computer dates, fully expecting them to be American girls with big breasts and not like-minded Croatian woman (Jane Curtin, Laraien Newman).
Summary: The Swedish cleaning string that makes hygeine fun.
Summary: Consumer reporter Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner) wanders from a commentary on a viewer’s heating problem to her disgust with toenails.
First Performed: 75b.
Summary: The Conehead Family (Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman) compete against the Romaine lettuce-loving Mel Family (Steve Marton, Gilda Radner, John Belushi).
Summary: Steve Martin gives a tour of the outsides of the homes of his “close personal friends.”
Summary: Joan Cage (Jane Curtin) and her panel of experts consider the hypothetical prospect of Napoleon (John Belushi) with a B-52 bomber.
Transcript
Air Date:
Summary: When racing cars wreck, the toy ambulance kit comes to the rescue.
Also Performed: 
Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.
Summary: The philosophical Sartresky (Dan Aykroyd) and the rough-and-tumble Hutch (John Belushi) mediate a hostage situation involving an old friend (Bill Murray).
Summary: Al Franken sings a musical tribute to his parents, Joe and Phoebe, until a painful childhood memory brings out the worst in him.