Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

KLOG Radio

Disc Jockey…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Disc Jockey sitting in radio booth between two turntables, one each on AM and FM side of booth ]

Announcer: Good morning. Now radio station KLOG commences its programming day. KLOG is a division of BoardCo Communications. The policy of KLOG and KLOG-FM is to give you, the listener, the best in both AM and FM entertainment. We wish you a good morning and a nice day.

Jingle: “Coming or going
or just in the race.
Stay with KLOG
’cause Casey’s on the case.”

Disc Jockey: [ on the AM station ] Hey, good morning! It’s Kid Casey Wake-Up Time! Driving to work or school, having breakfast, or just doing some crazy morning things around the house, Casey’s on the case! I’m Kid Casey! I’ll be here ’til noon with a few words, a little music, and of course the Pasternak Air Hammer Giveaway Day contest later on! Here’s a tune to get you moving and grooving on this sunny Friday morning. An old one from Tony Orlando & Dawn, “Candida”! Some gold!

[ switches to the FM station ]

Ohhhkayyy.. yeah. That was the Moody Blues for our morning. Morning, as always the first awakening, I’m Kenneth Wardell on KLOG-FM, mellowing out your morning with some really good sound. We have music – I’m a little high right now – and I’m looking forward to an interview with Peter Kris, the drummer from Kiss. He’s gonna tell us how he chose the cat make-up. Here’s something newwww from Aerosmith.

[ switches to the AM station ]

Yeah! “Candida”! Hey, Mom, here’s the word about Wally Winky Wonderloaf, the nutritious whitemilk bread. The people at Wally Winky Bakeries put loving care and pride into every loaf they bake. Every Wally Winky Wonderloaf is made from white refined milk flour and milk flour substitute to give your growing family the important nutrition they need! So get your youngsters Wally Winky Wonderloaf today! And let’s watch out now for that “Devil Woman”!

[ switches to the FM station ]

Yeaaahhhh.. Aerosmith on KLOG-FM. You know, many nutritionists and doctors agree that bread made with white refined milk flour and milk powder substitute is no good for us. Most agree that whole wheat is an excellent source of protein. That’s why the people at Earth Source Graineries use only whole grain and unmmilk wheat in their headbread. Headbread, for a pure source of nutrition and nourishment. Nowww.. Led Zeppelin, “Stairway”..

[ switches to the AM station ]

Yeah, alright! Don’t let that “Devil Woman” get you! You know, Ring Audio has everything you need in stereo components, CB radios, aerials, car radios, tape decks, turntables, amplifiers, speakers and CDs! All name brands at great prices! That’s Ring Audio, 880 Storm Blvd, ask for Gary, tell ’em Crazy Kid Casey sent you! And, if you dig disco, you’re realy gonna dig the “Fifth”! It’s moving up there on the KLOG hit mix survey!

[ switches to the FM station ]

Yeahhhh.. do your big speakers keep getting you evicted? Then why not visit Stairway to Headphones? Stairway To Headphones deals only in quality headphones, and motorcycle and football helmets, all wired for sound. Stairway to Headphones, 880 Storm Blvd, ask for Gary, tell him Kenneth Wardell, KLOG-FM sent you. Here’sss Black Sabbath.

[ switches to the AM station ]

Okay! Alright! Hey, the KLOG traffic copter reports traffic’s badly tied up on Route 9, a lot of cars are backed up there! Take the passoff instead. Hey, the student council at Rose Cage High School in Summit asked me to say a few words about their Art Fair! The kids are having an Art Fair there, it’s in the gym! Thursday night from 8PM, and the kids have really worked hard on the art, and they’d sure appreciate a little support. The money’s for Rose Cage High and Summit, there’s gonna be a lot of good art there! And here’s something to take us up to news time with Bernie Phillips – “The Antler Dance”, taking us to KLOG News with Bernie Phillips!

[ switches to the FM station ]

Yeahhhh.. Black Sabbath. I guess all you folks who got out to the Dead concert last night at Wildcat Stadium kinda know where my head’s at today. But, hey, you know, I heard the City Council might cancel all rock concerts because of damage done to the astroturf. If you have to smoke cigarettes, put them in your beer can or carry an ashtray. If you smoke anything else, smoke it, then eat it. It won’t kill you, but cigarettes will. It’s a shame this kind of thing is still going on. I guess some of us didn’t learn anything from the 60’s. Hey, we’re coming up to news time right now with Bernie Phillips, let’s find out. I’m gonna take a little break and find out what’s happening in the news with Bernie Phillips at the KLOG News Center.

Announcer: And now, KLOG News with Bernie Phillips.

Disc Jockey: [ grabs both AM and FM microphones ] I’m Bernie Phillips, and this is the KLOG News. Precautionary measures continue to be taken against the swine flu threat!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Genetic Counselor

Doctor…..Eric Idle
Mr. Stolwry…..Dan Aykroyd
Mrs. Stolwry…..Gilda Radner

[ Eric Idle enters the Genetics sketch set and sits down ]

Doctor: Now then, Mr. and Mrs. Stolwry, you’re in your second month of pregnancy, and you’re prepared to select your child’s physical characteristics.

Mr. Stolwry: That’s right. Let’s get on with it.

Doctor: Alright, Mrs. Stolwry, we’ve put your scrapings through a high-speed cell sorter, and we’re ready to choose what sort of a baby you want. Now, you want your baby to be.. a baby?

Mr. Stolwry: ..Yes.

Doctor: Good, that’s a start. Now, what sex? Male or female?

Mr. Stolwry: Um.. male.

Doctor: Male. Good. Skin pigment – dark or fair?

Mrs. Stolwry: Um.. fair.

Doctor: Fair. Hair color: blonde or black?

Mrs. Stolwry: Blonde.

Doctor: Blonde. Good. General stature: tall and thin or short and stocky?

Mr. Stolwry: Short and stocky.

Doctor: Excellent. Alright, general texture – fur or quilted?

Mr. Stolwry: Fur or quilted?

Doctor: Yes, you don’t want the little nipper bouncing out into the world in the raw, when you can use all of genetic science to have him born in his own little fur or quilted bag.

Mr. Stolwry: What do you think, dear?

Mrs. Stolwry: Let’s take the quilted.

Doctor: Very good, excellent, excellent! Now, general attribute, you want him to be artistic or a welder?

Mr. Stolwry: A welder.

Doctor: Good, good, good. Uh.. mouth – tongue or dipstick.

Mrs. Stolwry: What?

Doctor: Tongue or dipstick. You know, a tongue is very, very fat, and a disptick is very, very much thinner, and will enable your baby to suck flies out of soda bottles.

Mrs. Stolwry: Well.. um.. tongue, please.

Doctor: Tongue? Good, good, good. Feet or pods?

Mr. Stolwry: Pods?

Doctor: Pods. Pods, you know. It increases the baby’s motor skills.

Mr. Stolwry: Pods.

Doctor: Pods, good. What about his head? You want it pressed in flat like a Pekenese puppy, or would you like it fully curled like a shrimp? If you have the shrimp-head, he’ll be able to get the welder’s job much easier.

Mrs. Stolwry: No! No, I don’t want a baby with a shrimp-head!

Mr. Stolwry: What is this about shrimp-heads, Doctor? Frankly, this is not what we expected at all.

Doctor: Right, then! [ angry ] I do the best I can for you, the bloody best, to set up your sniveling, snotty-nosed kid you want, and all I get in return for fifteen years of poring research into the bloody boring composition of the bloody damn DNA molceule, is a pair of pathetic twits, who, when confronted with bloody stats start a pathetic wiffle-waffle. Right now, Mr. and Mrs. Stolwry, you have a perfect, beautiful walking specimen of a stocky, blond-haired, blue-eyed, fair-skinned, quilted, male shrimp-head welder, with pods! Now, what more do you bloody want?! Frankly, it makes me sick! Why don’t you go have your child naturally?

Mr. Stolwry: I’m sorry, Doctor. Its just we don’t understand your methods.

Mrs. Stolwry: Yes. We’ll try to be more understanding.

Doctor: Alright. Let’s give it another try. Alright, here we go. Hatchback or portal windows?

Mr. Stolwry: Hatchback.

Mrs. Stolwry: Hatchback.

[ zoom out ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up: Pearls Before Swine Flu” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Drag Racing Today

…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Eric Idle

[ open on stock footage of crowds swarming the stands at a race track ]

[ SUPER: “Drag Racing Today” ]

[ Dan Aykroyd and Eric Idle, dressed in drag, approach the starting line and take their stances ]

[ the starting pistol fires ]

[ Dan and Eric run down the track in their high heels, until, at race’s end, Dan is first to cross the finish line ]

[ a reporter holds a microphone to Dan’s face ]

Dan Aykroyd: I, uh — feel it’s still not working.

Eric Idle: Of course it’s working! They’re laughing!

Dan Aykroyd: How do you know they’re laughing? We’re on film.

Eric Idle: [ stunned by this information ] Oh, that’s right. Well, let’s listen.

[ they press their ears closer to the screen ]

Eric Idle: I don’t hear them laughing.

Dan Aykroyd: No.

Eric Idle: [ dejected ] Shall we go?

Dan Aykroyd: I guess so.

[ they turn from the camera and walk away, dropping their feather boas to the ground in shame ]

[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on a man with SUPER: “Doomed” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Dragnet

Joe Friday…..Dan Aykroyd
Saturday Morning…..Eric Idle
Driver…..Gilda Radner
Harvey Goldblatt…..Garrett Morris
Wife…..Laraine Newman
Husband…..John Belushi

[ open on “Dragnet” police badge logo ]

Joe Friday V/O: This is the city — Los Angeles, near California. The story you are about to see is true. Only the facts have been changed to protect the writers.

[ dissolve to interior, apartment ]

Joe Friday V/O: It was a perfectly ordinary Sunday. My name’s Friday. My partner’s name is Saturday Morning. We only worked weekends.

[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning enter the apartment, dressed in women’s clothing. They immediately tackle various pieces of laundry hanging on a clothesline or lying on ironing boards. ]

Joe Friday V/O: We were engaged in routine police business: washing up, ironing, and sewing. The time: 3:15. The place: Headquarters. The hairstyles: by Mr. Ray, of Vidal Sassoon.

[ the telephone rings. They stop to observe. ]

Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang.

[ the telephone rings again ]

Joe Friday V/O: It was Lucille Ball.

[ Saturday Morning gives a confused look to the camera ]

Joe Friday V/O: We didn’t answer.

[ the phone stops ringing, so they resume their laundry duties ]

[ the phone rings again ]

Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang again. This time, it was motorcycle officer Harvey Goldblatt.

[ Saturday Morning answers the phone ]

Joe Friday: Hello. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Okay, we’ll be right there.

[ Saturday Morning hangs up ]

[ the two officers start to run out of Headquarters, then stop to retrieve their purses before exiting in a proper ladylike strut ]

[ cut to pre-filmed footage, as the two officers exit their building ]

Saturday Morning: Hey, Sarge — where are we goin’?

Joe Friday: Shut up, and listen to the Voiceover.

Saturday Morning: 10-3!

Joe Friday: 10-4.

Saturday Morning: Sorry.

Joe Friday: Right.

[ they continue down the outside steps, where a Female Driver waits with a squad car ]

Joe Friday V/O: The time: 3:25. The place: the street. The handbags: by Gucci.

[ cut to the squad car barrelling down the street ]

Joe Friday V/O: we screeched to a halt.

[ the squad car brakes suddenly, as the sound of a voice screaming creates the impression of a screech ]

[ the two officers climb out of the squad car and stand on the sidewalk ]

Joe Friday: [ pointing ] Look — there’s Officer Goldblatt.

[ they run over ]

[ cut to Officer Goldblatt, who sits on a motorcycle while dressed in a wedding gown ]

Joe Friday: What’s up, Harvey?

Harvey Goldblatt: A man upstairs, impersonating a police officer.

Joe Friday: Why didn’t you move in their yourself?

Harvey Goldblatt: I’ve got a snag in my pantyhose!

Joe Friday: Right. Okay, we’ll take care of it. Let’s go!

[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning frantically run to the foot of the house behind them ]

[ cut to live footage, interior apartment, as Woman stands near the door ]

[ Joe Friday pounds on the other side of the door ]

Joe Friday: Open up!! Open up!! Police!! Open up!!

[ she opens the door ]

Saturday Morning: [ holds up his purse ] We’re police officers!

Joe Friday: [ holds up his purse ] Police officers, ma’am.

Wife: How do I know you are?

Joe Friday: We’re plainclothesmen.

Saturday Morning: What do you mean, plain? I’ve paid $85 for this frock! You call this a plain frock?

Joe Friday: I mean “plain cothes” — a term for “undercover”.

Saturday Morning: Oh. Don’t you like this frock?

Joe Friday: I love it. [ turns to the Woman ] Ma’am? Your husband home?

Saturday Morning: Uhhh — uhhh — NO! No, uh — no. He’s not here, uh — he went OUT! I’m not married!

Husband: Honey? Who is it?

[ a Man enters the front room, dressed similarly to Saturday Morning ]

Joe Friday: You’re under arrest for impersonating a police officer! Let’s go!

Saturday Morning: I’m wearing the same frock…

Joe Friday: Let’s go!

Saturday Morning: Yeah, okay, okay, okay…

Joe Friday: Let’s go!

Husband: Alright…

Saturday Morning: Come on!

John Belushi: [ breaking character ] Eric! [ shoves Eric Idle aside ] Dan! Look, it’s NOT gonna work, alright? Drag just does not work in America. It’s a different type of humor, I feel uncomfortable in this dress.

Eric Idle: You could try a different frock!

John Belushi: It has nothing to do with it. I mean — I mean, over there, drag’s acceptable. It’s, uh — it’s everyday office wear. I mean — but here it is just… not… funny! It doesn’t work, there’s no, uhhh — you know, I’m not overreacting over any homosexual thing, you know — so don’t — don’t — don’t try to pull that thing on me, you know? But it’s NOT funny! Yuo understand? DRAG is NOT funny in America!

Eric Idle: Well, let’s cut it here!

Dan Aykroyd: Okay, fine!

[ Belushi ambles off ]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, I, uh — I can — I can see his point-of-view. You know, I think it’s just two different theories of humor and that, and, uh — my Jack Webb is the worst anyway, so, you know.

Eric Idle: That’s true.

Dan Aykroyd: Uhhh — what do — what do you want to do, then? Sorry.

Eric Idle: Do you, uh — do you want to come back to my dressing room, and discuss it?

Dan Aykroyd: Sure. Yeah.

[ they start to exit the set ]

John Belushi: Dan?

Dan Aykroyd: Yeah?

John Belushi: Remember: if you do it once —

Dan Aykroyd: I’ll stay hungry! [?]

[ Eric and Dan exit the set ]

Laraine Newman: [ supportively ] Oh, John, I think you look very pretty.

John Belushi: I look pretty? Well, I look good in everything. I just wear clothes well…

Laraine Newman: Well, that’s great —

John Belushi: Some people can, some people can’t…

Laraine Newman: Well, uh —

John Belushi: I look good in everything!

Laraine Newman: Look — [ suggestively ] What are we gonna do now, you know?

John Belushi: Uh — why don’t we show some movie, I guess.

Laraine Newman: Okay, let’s go there.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Cufflinks Of The Gods?

Erica Viedonagen…..Laraine Newman

Erica Viedonagen: Hello, I’m Erica Viedonagen, head of anthrocomedology at Rutledge University. There’s scarcely anyone who hasn’t looked at the stars and wondered if some other form of Comedian existed in another corner of the universe. Since there are billions of solar system capable of supporting comedy, there are probably Comedians more advanced than ourselves, capable of traversing the vast distances of space. How long does it takr a joke to travel through space? Of course, that depends on how subtle it is. But, if Comedians from outer space did visit our planet, were any clues left behind. Looking at the history of comedy, there are many seemingly inexplicable mysteries. Such as this Assyrian clay tablet, one of the earliest records.. [ holds up tablet ] ..made by man, which says, as nearly as we can guess, “Take wife.”

[ Music: eerie, dramatic ]

Assyria is here in the fertile crescent. [ points to map ] Now, let’s look at a certain mountain plateau in Peru. If you climb the 4,000 feet of the Andes to Machapulco, and traverse this plateau, you observe remnants of ancient, seemingly haphazard excavations. But if viewed from the air, suddenly, its startling purpose is revealed.

[ show “Take My Wife, Please” carved in mountaintop ]

[ Music: dramatic sting ]

“Take My Wife, Please” is clearly dug into the landscape for the purpose of making someone in a flying vehicle laugh. But the most awesome evidence exits on a lonely island 3,000 miles off the coast of Chile, Passover Island. [ points to map ] The 2,000 native inhabitants still practice an ancient ritual before a huge pair of limestone cufflinks.

[ show giant cufflinks on landscape ]

[ Music: sting ]

Each cufflink is over 30 feet high and weighs 800 tons. [ holds tape recorder ] The ceremonial garb of the natives is made from reeds and bears a striking resemblance to tuxedos. Listen to this tape recording I made myself of one such ceremony. [ turns on tape recorder ]

[ sound effects loop of the Carson audience going “Ay-oh!” ]

Voice On Tape: “Take wife, please.”

Erica Viedonagen: Is it coincedence that the same joke occurred to men who never knew that the other civilization even existed, or was the joke passed on by Coemdians in spaceships capable of traveling these great distances? But why should Comedians travel across the galaxy? Perhaps to get to the other side. If they should return, maybe we can learn soem new jokes from them.

[ Music: symphonic climax ]

[ SUPER: “Cufflinks Of The Gods” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Baba Wawa

Baba Wawa…..Gilda Radner

Baba Wawa: Hewwo! This is Baba Wawa, hewe to say fawewell.

Uh.. this is my wast moment on NBC, I want to wemind you to wook fow me along with Hawwy Weasoneh weeknights at 7 o’cwock.

I want to take this oppohtunity to apowogize to NBC. I don’t wike weaving. Pwease twust me, it’s not sowuh gwapes, but, rathaw, that anotheh network wecognizes in me a gweat tawent for dewivering welevant news stories with cwystah cwahity to miwwions of Americans. It’s the onwy weason I’m weaving. Weahhy.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:


October 2nd, 1976

Eric Idle

Joe Cocker

Stuff

None

Richard Belzer

Howard Shore

Lorne Michaels

Neil Innes

Neil Levy

Tom Davis

Tom Schiller

Alan Zweibel

Anne Beatts

Michael O’Donoghue

Paul Shaffer
The Real Chevy ChaseSummary: An impostor (Richard Belzer) attempts to replace a still-hospitalized Chevy Chase.

Bio: Richard Belzer (1944-). Comedian/writer/actor; once a member of the comedy group, Channel One; served as audience warm-up comedian during SNL’s first season; featured player on the National Lampoon Radio Hour, 1973-75; on television, has portrayed Det. John Munch on “Homicide: Life on the Street” (1993-99) and “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (1999-).

Other Appearances: 77o, 79t.

Montage

Eric Idle’s MonologueSummary: Jane Curtin interrupts Eric Idle’s screaming version of “Here Comes The Sun.”

Bio: Eric Idle (1943-). English comedian/actor; writer/performer on “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” (1969-74) and its subsequent film releases.

Also Hosted: 76t, 78h, 79b.

Cameos: 76b, 86f.

Transcript

Genetic CounselorSummary: A genetics counselor (Eric Idle) offers an expecting couple (Dan Aykroyd, Gilda Radner) their choice of wild personality traits in their child.

Transcript

KLOG RadioSummary: Disc jockey Kenneth Wardell (Dan Aykroyd) simultaneously hosts morning shows on AM/FM sister stations.

Transcript

Killer BeesSummary: Eric Idle ruins a Killer Bees swine flu innoculation sketch by using his natural British dialect.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Joe Cocker performs “You Are So Beautiful”Bio: Joe Cocker (1944-). Singer; partnered with Chris Stainton in 1966 to form The Grease Band; as a solo artist, he frequently performed cover versions of Beatles hits; his intense stage movements were often lampooned by John Belushi.

Also Performed: 82l.

Baba Wawa’s FarewellSummary: Before leaving NBC, Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) explains the reasoning for her departure.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Amateur drawings recount the boxing match between Ken Norton and Mohammed Ali. Garrett Morris reports on a prank circumcision of Michelangelo’s David. A Johnny Carson clip shows Ed Ames (John Belushi) attacking the silhouette.

EpifixSummary: A druggist (Dan Aykroyd) uses the injection to relieve his headache.

The RutlesSummary: Lorne Michaels reports that a lying Eric Idle tricked him out of the money intended for The Beatles. He offers as a substitute video, a documentary of British pop group The Rutles.

Nazi SpiesSummary: A pair of spies (Eric Idle, Dan Aykroyd) discuss their plans to assassinate Hitler while hunched over a table in a Nazi hangout.

Joe Cocker & Joe Cocker (John Belushi) perform “Feelin’ Alright”Recurring Characters: Joe Cocker.

DragnetSummary: Joe Friday (Dan Aykroyd) and his companion, Saturday Morning (Eric Idle), wear women’s clothing at the precinct, until John Belushi finally explains that British drag humor doesn’t work in America.

Transcript

Drag Racing TodaySummary: Still dressed in women’s clothing, Eric Idle and Dan Aykroyd race on foot.

Transcript

Stuff performs “Foots”Bio: New-York based jazz funk band assembled for Joe Cocker’s 1975 album, “Jamaica Say You Will”; members: Gordon Edwards, Richard Tee, Eric Gale, Cornell Dupree, Steve Gadd, Chris Parker.

The Undersea World of Jacques CousteauSummary: The voice of Jacques Cousteau (John Belushi) narrates a journey within the depths of what turns out to be a goldfish tank. From above, Eric Idle drops cheesecake, wine, coffee, and other items into the tank as demonstration that fish enjoy people food.

Ken NortonSummary: Ken Norton (Garrett Morris) insists that he’s a better boxer than Mohammad Ali.

Cufflinks Of The Gods?Summary: Erica Viedonagen (Laraine Newman) explores the possibility of an alien comic existence.

Transcript

PongSummary: While playing Pong, Al Franken and Tom Davis relay the answers to a tough Math problem.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 2

76b: Norman Lear / Boz Scaggs

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”. Substituting for the injured Chevy Chase is Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [ on the phone ] Well, I really think you have the wrong number, Miss. A golden shower? Oh, is that one of those drinks you can get at the Hawaii Kai, with a little parasol — [ notices camera ] I gotta go, excuse me! [ hangs up ] Good evening, Jane Curtin with the news.

Our top story tonight: in a Playboy interview to be published next month, President Ford reveals that, in his heart, he committed celibacy.

Thursday, the first in a series of three presidential debates was held at Philadelphia’s Walnut Street Theater, in front of an estimated 100 million viewers. The candidates, President Ford and Governor Carter, each spoke for approximately 30 minutes. Then, to the confusion of everyone, whispered very softly for the remaining half-hour. It is generally agreed that President Ford won the first half-hour, Governor Carter the second half-hour, and the American people the third.

Washington Post newsman Nicholas von Hoffman, this week, referred to President Ford as “America’s Pet Rock”. Ford responded by writing an angry note, wrapping it around his head, and throwing himself through von Hoffman’s window.

Well, Patricia Hearst has been finally sentenced for her bank robbery conviction. Miss Hearst was sentenced to one night in the trunk of a car in her underwear, six months blindfolded on the floor of a closet, a year and a half of fear and terror, and seven years in prison. In sixteen months, she will be eligible to be kidnapped once again.

Oh, incidentally, you might recall that it was reported some time ago that Miss Hearst participated in group sex when she was a fugitive with the SLA. This was clarified that she did not, however, “go all the way”. Patty is basically an old-fashioned girl, who is saving herself for the right army.

Ever wonder what nuns are really like? Well, now we can all find out. The definitive book has just been written, and it vividly explains the sexual feelings, sexual attitudes and sexual practices of nuns. It’s an accurate and candid book. Once you pick it up, you won’t be able to open it.

Jane Curtin: And now, a special live remote from correspondent Laraine Newman at Times Square.

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing in the center of Times Square, New York’s traditional celebration and meeting place. The turnout this year seems to be amller than expected – the crowds are lighter, the noisemakers quieter. A lot of feeling of excitement and expectation prevails, as the new year approaches. Of course at midnight, the big ball on top of the Allied Chemical Tower will drop, and the numeral 5737 will herald the new year. And, according to tradition, the Book of Life will then open, and God will decide the fate of the world for the next ten years. After ten days, however..

Jane Curtin: Uh, Laraine? Laraine?

Laraine Newman: Yes, Jane?

Jane Curtin: Are you talking about the Jewish New Year?

Laraine Newman: That’s right, Jane – Rosh Hashana!

Jane Curtin: Well, Laraine, that’s usually celebrated privately in homes and in synogogues, not in Times Square.

Laraine Newman: I thought it seemed a little quiet. Well, this is Laraine Newman saying, “Happy Birthday, Steve”, “Good Yanta”, and sending it back to you, Jane.

Rock star Elton John has revealed he is bisexual. The statement was made this week in a two-part interview – part one in Rolling Stone magazine; part two in Women’s Wear Daily.

In a tragically-related final story, TV personality Speedy Alka Seltzer came out of the medicine cabinet this week, and admitted that he was a bicarbonate. Fearful over possible criticism, the beloved Speedy threw himself into a bathtub and was fatally effervesced. A grief-stricken close friend, Popenfresh, the Pillsbury Doughboy, said that Speedy left behind a suicide note that read, simply, “Plop-plop-fizz-fizz, oh what a relief it is.” Memorial services for Speedy Alka Seltzer will be tomorrow at ten o’clock, and will be repeated every four hours.

Jane Curtin: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 2

76b: Norman Lear / Boz Scaggs

The Snakehandling O’Sheas

…..Norman Lear
Writer…..Tom Schiller
Sister Mary Catherine…..Laraine Newman
Clovis O’Shea…..John Belushi
Barney…..Dan Aykroyd
Jane O’Shea…..Jane Curtin

[ open on interior, Norman Lear’s office ]

Norman Lear: As a producer of televison shows, I, and my fellow producers, are constantly testing and experimentng with new concepts. A lot of people accuse us of running factories. Factories, indeed. In my own case, I like to think that I have a very personal relationship with each and every one of the writers I work with. [ buzzes intercom ] Miss Shabbit, send in Writer #456.

Writer: [ enters ] Hello, Norman!

Norman Lear: Ah, Wyzkof. Tell me, sir, what is new with the new series?

Writer: Well, we studied the closest ratings and audience percentiles for Pittsburgh, and the hidden census is to set this new series there.

Norman Lear: Good, good.

Writer: Now, it’s got all the characters you ordered. The father is a union organizer; the mother is his boss, the president of a large steel company – but the father is proud and they live on his money. Now, the daughter is a nun, and their son is a gay state trooper.

Norman Lear: Tell me – does it have a twist?

Writer: A twist? Sure. They’re all practicing snake handlers.

Norman Lear: Practicing snake handlers?

[ cut to opening montage for new series ]

[ SUPER: “The Snakehandling O’Sheas” ]

Jingle:
Pop is a hardhat
Mom’s an exec.
Sis is a nun
And Junior is gay.

We all live in Pittsburgh
Oh, that’s a cliche.
What else can we say?
But we’ll be okay.

Because we’re snakehandlers
We handle snakes.
Snakehandlers
Junior is gay.
Snakehandlers..”

[ cut to interior, O’Shea living room ]

[ Clovis O’Shea enters to applause from the audience ]

Sister Mary Catherine: [ from upstairs ] Daddy? Daddy, is that you? [ comes downstairs, to applause from the audience ] Oh, no.. you mean it still hasn’t been settled?

Clovis O’Shea: I’m on that picket line for six hours today, with the men in my union looking up to me – their organizer! Only to suffer the ultimate humiliation of having my own son arrest me and haul me off to jail!

Sister Mary Catherine: Daddy, Barney called to explain..

Clovis O’Shea: I don’t want to hear any explanation! Where are the snakes?

Sister Mary Catherine: Okay, I’ll get them in a minute. But I want you to know that I came home from the convent to try and settle things here. But it looks like you just won’t listen to reason, so..

Clovis O’Shea: Reason? Reason?! Oh, you just wait ’til that brother of yours comes home. Boy, I’m gonna take care of him.. [ starts sweettalking his snake ] Boy, I’m gonna take care of that guy! My own flesh and blood!

Barney: [ enters the room, to applause from the audience ] Look, Dad, it was an illegal strike. Once Mom served the injunction, I had to move in there as a trooper and arrest you! I’m sorry, I couldn’t do anything about it! May I have my snake, please?

Clovis O’Shea: Your mother. Your mother. Just wait ’til she gets home, your mother. Miss Management mother! Yeah! When she gets home, she’s gonna get hers!

Jane O’Shea: [ enters, to major applause from the audience ] Snake, please.

Sister Mary Catherine: Yes, Mom.

Barney: Mother, you didn’t tell me that Dad was gonna be on that picket line today. I’m really upset.

Jane O’Shea: You’re upset?! Here I am, the newly-elected President of the National Steel Company, with a three-day old strike on my hands, and a union organizer for a husband! [ holds up her snake and swweettalks to it ] Hi, Skipper..

Barney: Mary Catherine, have you got the convent staff car tonight? Gimme the keys – I’m going to the drive-in with Boyd.

Sister Mary Catherine: Barney, as long as you’re seeing Boyd, I cannot lend you the nunmobile.

Clovis O’Shea: You know, the snakes feel so good today, I think I’ll start my chant..

Sister Mary Catherine: Dad, not yet.

Clovis O’Shea: Not yet? It’s just too much for me – your mother’s driving me crazy. I’m working my head off at the union, I’m the President there! The Lansford plans are out, they’re misfunctioning, what am I gonna do?

Jane O’Shea: 50-cents an hour at the current rate of production will ruin us. You know that, Clovis.

Barney: How’s your snake, Mom. It looks like Dad and Mary Catherine have already started their chants.

Jane O’Shea: Well, I’d better start mine, before I face the Board of Directors tomorrow.

[ they all start chanting to their snakes ]

Sister Mary Catherine: Just look at you two! You’re still both enjoying healthy, happy lives, handling snakes in a democracy! What more could you want?

Clovis O’Shea: I guess so.. You know, honey.. I think I’m gonna call off the strike.

Jane O’Shea: Sweetheart, I’ll see that you get that 50-cent-an-hour raise.

Sister Mary Catherine: Barney, tell Dad you’re sorry, and I’ll lend you the convent staff car, you can go to the drive-in with Boyd.

Barney: Daddy, I’ll never arrest you again. And, Mom, I’m not gonna marry Boyd, we’re probably just gonna go steady for a while.

Jane O’Shea: We’ve got to become closer, you know, and stop fighting. After all, we’re probably the only snakehandlers left in Pittsburgh!

[ dissolve to closing montage ]

Jingle:
“Because we’re snakehandlers
We handle snakes.
Snakehandlers
Junior is gay.
Snakehandlers..”

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 2

76b: Norman Lear / Boz Scaggs

Chevy’s Telephone Fall

…..Gilda Radner
…..Chevy Chase (voice)

[ open on Gilda Radner sitting behind a desk ]

Gilda Radner: Hi, I’m Gilda Radner. This is the part of the show where we usually do a short scene, and, at the end of it, Chevy takes a fall and then he says, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” But I’m afraid I have some bad news for you – right now, CHevy’s in the hospital. You see, last week during the Ford-Carter Debate, he fell and he hurt himself, making America laugh. And, uh.. I guess even though he won’t be here tonight, the show has to go on.. I mean.. he’d want it that way. So, I’m just gonna go ahead and do the scene that Chevy and I rehearsed, and, uh.. start the show, okay?

[ stands up, looks toward burned-out light ]

Chevy! That light burned out again, can you come and fix it? Oh, never mind – I’ll do it! [ she starts to climb ladder ]

[ phone rings; Gilda climbs down and answers it ]Hello?

Voice of Chevy Chase: [ coughing ] Uh.. Gilda?

[ show image of Chevy laying in hospital bed with phone to ear, SUPER: “Voice of Chevy Chase” ]

Gilda Radner: Chevy! Chevy, how are you?

Voice of Chevy Chase: I’m okay. Can you hear me okay?

Gilda Radner: Yeah, I can hear you.

Voice of Chevy Chase: Uh.. I was watching, uh, you know, the “Donald O’Connor Story” on Channel 2, and I flipped the channel-changer, and I saw the show was starting..

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Voice of Chevy Chase: I’m a little groggy here, but, uh.. I thought maybe you were gonna do a fall or something, and I wanted to make sure you didn’t do it..

Gilda Radner: Oh, no, but Chevy, I want to do it.

Voice of Chevy Chase: Gilda, I don’t.. uh.. want to get in the way.. but I don’t want you to do the fall, it’s too dangerous..

Gilda Radner: No..

Voice of Chevy Chase: I can just tell from what happened to me..

Gilda Radner: Yeah.. no, but, Chevy, nobody could think of anything else to do to open the show.

Voice of Chevy Chase: Can’t you sing or dance, or anything?

Gilda Radner: Chevy, look – it’s not dangerous, and I’m gonna do it. Don’t you worry about it, okay? You just rest.

Voice of Chevy Chase: Gilda, I just..

Gilda Radner: Okay, bye bye! Bye bye, Chevy!

[ hangs up phone, and returns to scene ]

Oh, Chevy, look – that light burned out again.. um.. I’ll go fix it myself.. [ climbs ladder ]

[ phone rings again; Gilda climbs down and answers it ]

Hello?

Voice of Chevy Chase: [ coughing ] Gilda?

[ show second image of Chevy laying in hospital bed with phone to ear, SUPER: “Voice of Chevy Chase” ]

Gilda Radner: Who.. who is it?

Voice of Chevy Chase: Gilda, listen.. this is Chevy again.

Gilda Radner: Oh.

Voice of Chevy Chase: Listen, honey, listen to me closely..

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Voice of Chevy Chase: First of all, no one’s gonna believe that light bulb thing.. and, second of all, I have a great idea, and this is kind of gonna save us both here, so.. Are you listening closely?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Voice of Chevy Chase: Alright, I want you to sit down. Are you sitting down?

Gilda Radner: Yeah, I’m sitting down.

Voice of Chevy Chase: I can see you now – you look lovely.

Gilda Radner: Thank you!

Voice of Chevy Chase: Uh.. take the phone..

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Voice of Chevy Chase: Take the phone away from your ear, and just put the receiver on the desk.. but stand it upright, you know? Like on its wire.

Gilda Radner: Oh, like this?

Voice of Chevy Chase: Can you hear me? Can you hear me through the earpiece?

Gilda Radner: Yeah, I can har you.

Voice of Chevy Chase: Okay. See the sign in front of you?

Gilda Radner: Yeah?

Voice of Chevy Chase: Your name sign? Your name plate?

Gilda Radner: Yeah?

Voice of Chevy Chase: Take it out of the way, so everybody can see you.

Gilda Radner: Okay.

Voice of Chevy Chase: Now, what I want you to do is, walk the phone, walk it along the edge of the table, across the table there, okay? Like a muppet.

Gilda Radner: Like a muppet?

Voice of Chevy Chase: Yeah. JUst strt walking.. [ as Gilda “walks” the phone ] “Hi-ho, hi-ho.. it’s off to work I go..” Gilda? Gilda, can you hear me?

Gilda Radner: Yeah! Yes!

Voice of Chevy Chase: Alright, at the ednge of the desk, just put your hand out and trip me, okay?

Gilda Radner: Okay, I’ve got you! [ “trips” phone, dropping it over the desk’s edge ]

[ camera closes in on the phone dangling over the desk’s edge ]

Voice of Chevy Chase: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts