Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Looks at Books

…..Chevy Chase
…..Dick Cavett

[ title card ]

[ dissolve to set ]

Chevy Chase: Good evening, and welcome, once again, to “Looks at Books”. Tonight, our guest is Dick “The Stick” Cavett, author of Nebraska Pimp, a look at the secret world of the midwestern man of leisure. Dick, welcome.

Dick Cavett: Uh, thank you, Mr. Chevy, and… and… [ rubbing his pants leg ]

Chevy Chase: It’s gonna be fine.

Dick Cavett: It’s very fine to be here.

Chevy Chase: Maybe we should begin by describing — in layman’s terms — uh, what, uh — well, what exactly is a pimp?

Dick Cavett: Well, uh, Chevy, let me just say that, uh… well, men want females to accept their companionship, and I can provide that. So, therefore, me.

Chevy Chase: Oh! So, then, the Nebraska Pimp in the book is you, and not some other Nebraska Pimp?

Dick Cavett: Uh, yeah. Uh, in fact, there’s only one other pimp in the whole state. Uh, my turf covers the whole eastern half of Nebraska.

Chevy Chase: I guess that would give you a lot of territory, huh?

Dick Cavett: Mmm, about 15,000 square miles, that’s correct.

Chevy Chase: Which, according to your book, you cruise in your pimpmobile, is that correct?

Dick Cavett: That is exactly correct. Yes, I have a ’73 Impala with customized light guards, yes.

Chevy Chase: I see.

Dick Cavett: Mmm-hmm. Now, my base of operations, however, is still my hometown — that’s Grand Allen, Nebraska.

Chevy Chase: Well, now, Dick ,how exactly did you becoma a… pimp?

Dick Cavett: Well, that’s an interesting story. Can I take my hat off a little bit?

Chevy Chase: Please do.

Dick Cavett: It’s very hot in here. – he removes his hat ] It’s a lovely thing here.

Chevy Chase: It’s very nice.

Dick Cavett: I got that at Chateau Pimp, here in New York.

Chevy Chase: Ah, yes!

Dick Cavett: Uh — well. How did I get started? I was sixteen, and I was, uh, you know, “messing around” with my girlfriend, Mary Lou Difanisan, in the back seat of her old De Sota. And, uh, I said, you know, “I have a brilliant idea.” I said to myself, “Why, there’s guys who would pay good money for what I’m doing right now.”

Chevy Chase: [ he chuckles heartily ] Well… you know, Dick, if I were in Grand Allen and wanted to have a good time, uh, where do you think I might go?

Dick Cavett: Well, there’s the bowling alley, and, uh… and, uh…

Chevy Chase: No, no…

Dick Cavett: …there’s that “Billy Jack” movie at the Capitol Theater…

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. I mean, if I wanted to get some… some action.

Dick Cavett: Some “action”?

Chevy Chase: You know — if I wanted to “mess around”.

Dick Cavett: Oh! With Mary Lou? [ he chuckles ]

Chevy Chase: Oh. You mean, you only have one girl?

Dick Cavett: Y-yeeah. But Mary Lou’s pretty, uh… I think they say “far out”. She don’t wear a bra!

[ they both laugh ]

Chevy Chase: Well, w-w-where would I find you to set this up?

Dick Cavett: Well, uh… I work out of Mel’s Mr. Donut. And, uh, you’d have to meet me there, but, uh… you’d have to wait for me to close up, of course.

Chevy Chase: I see.

Dick Cavett: And then, you’d just go out… and I’d drive you to a point just outside of town…

Chevy Chase: This would be, uh, where Mary Lou lives, then?

Dick Cavett: No, not exactly. See, she meets us in her old De Sota, and, uh… you get out of my car, join Mary Lou in the back seat of her car, and then I sit by and I blink the lights in my car if the cops come. [ he laughs ] It’s like that, it’s easy.

Chevy Chase: H-h-h-how much cash would I-I drop for these services, Dick?

Dick Cavett: Well, that depends on whether you want a, you know, a adventure to first, second, or third base — uh, whatever it is.

Chevy Chase: Well, what about… home plate? [ he laughs ]

Dick Cavett: You do that, I’ll bust you right in the mouth! My Mary Lou don’t mess — she just “messes around”, she don’t go to first, second, third — none of that fancy city stuff!

Chevy Chase: Wait, wait, wait! I think I’m beginning to understand. When you say “messing around”… you actually mean… just messing around? I mean, uh — that’s all you mean! I mean, don’t a lot of guys get angry when they find this out?

Dick Cavett: Well, only the ones from out of town.

Chevy Chase: Dick, now I-I-I can’t imagine you make much… you make much money doing this…

Dick Cavett: Well, that’s why I tried to supplement my income by coming on your show and trying to sell that book. [ acknowleding the audience ] And these people have been awful nice — they haven’t laughed at us or anything.

[ the audience laughs at this ]

Chevy Chase: Well, now, Mr. Cavett, uh… if you write as well as you pimp… [ he laughs, losing his thought ]

Dick Cavett: [ equally amused ] If I write as well as I pimp?

Chevy Chase: If you write as well as you pimp… I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot less of you!

Dick Cavett: Thank you, I suppose.

Chevy Chase: Thank you.

Dick Cavett: Well, I’m very happy, and I’m sorry I got upset there earlier.

Chevy Chase: Oh, that’s all right. I love the shoes, too.

Dick Cavett: Well, that’s right there yours.

Chevy Chase: [ to the audience ] Be sure to join us next week, when we take a look at a book about Jewish farmers. Good night.

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve to audience, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Doesn’t Understand Young People Today” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Dick Cavett School of Auto Refinishing and Upholstery

…Dick Cavett

Dick Cavett: [in an office, sits on edge of desk andaddresses camera] Hi, I’m Dick Cavett. You know, for along time I made my living as a broadcaster and TVpersonality. Sure, it was good but now I know wherethe real money is: auto refinishing and upholstery.The big three car makers turn out millions of unitsper year but many don’t have the opera windows andlouvered vinyl roofs that American car buyers aredemanding. That’s where you come in with your diplomafrom any one of the three hundred Dick Cavett-approvedschools of auto refinishing and upholstery. [Dissolvebriefly to a doctored photo of a mechanic working on acar, with Cavett’s head pasted to his body.] With theproper skills and tools, you can make steady cashcustomizing and restyling sedans, vans and coupes madesince 1960. So, enroll now and you’ll receiveabsolutely free my three hundred page booklet MentalEquilibrium and Vinyl Spray Technique.

Don Pardo: That’s the Dick Cavett School of AutoRefinishing and Upholstery, Box 39, Long Island City,New York.

Dick Cavett: Remember — [sings] Opera windows justdon’t have it/Unless they’re made by Cavett — Mmmm.

[dissolve to audience member with SUPER: “Says He “Never Saw” Deep Throat” ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12


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Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:



Cameos:

Bit Players:

January 31st, 1976

Dick Cavett

Jimmy Cliff

Marshall Efron

Al Alen Peterson

None

Rosie Shuster

Tom Schiller VoodooSummary: Bothered that Chevy Chase gets all the attention on “SNL”, Garrett Morris uses a voodoo curse to manipulate his fall.

Transcript

Montage

Dick Cavett’s MonologueSummary: Dick Cavett tells a few jokes to the audience before “dropping the show.”

Bio: Dick Cavett (1936-) held jobs as a magician, stand-up comedian and writer/talent coordinator for “The Tonight Show with Jack Parr” before landing his own talk show in 1969.

Transcript

Alcohol & Firearms Don’t MixSummary: Anne (Jane Curtin) is so excited at the prospect of getting married that she ignores the accidental firings of her hunter boyfriend (Chevy Chase).

Transcript

Dick Cavett School of Auto Refinishing & UpholsterySummary: Enroll in Dick Cavett’s school to learn how to install opera windows on American cars.

Transcript

Jimmy Cliff performs “The Harder They Come”Bio: Jimmy Cliff (1948-) helped introduce reggae music to America with his performance in the 1973 Jamaican film “The Harder They Come.” Cliff’s first two performances in this episode come from that film’s soundtrack.

H & L Brock ISummary: Lowell Brock (John Belushi) and the H & L Brock tax team are willing to cheat for you.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Australian mercenary (Dan Aykroyd) in Angola wants sex with Laraine Newman. Laraine Newman seeks opinions on abortion in Times Square. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) disagrees with an “eagle” rights amendment. Tom Schiller repeats the top story for “I Love Lucy” fans.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Felina Cat FoodSummary: Test proves it’s different than regular tuna.

Note: Repeat from 10/25/75.

Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane OperationSummary: Enroll in Dick Cavett’s school to learn the ins and outs of hydroplane operation.

Transcript

Our TownSummary: Stage Mananger (Dick Cavett) describes his town to the audience.

Transcript

Jimmy Cliff performs “Many Rivers to Cross”

Dick Cavett Lookalike ContestSummary: The winner of the Dick Cavet Lookalike Contest (Marshall Efron) hardly resembles Dick Cavett at all.

Gary Weis FilmSummary: A tailor and a plastic surgeon make alterations to one another.

Dance To The NationSummary: Betty Ford’s (Jane Curtin) dispenses common-sense advice while performing dance moves on stage.

Transcript

H & L Brock IISummary: Lowell Brock (John Belushi) and the H & L Brock tax team will pay off IRS officials and find tricky loopholes that will work in your favor.

Transcript

Looks At BooksSummary: Dick Cavett plugs his book detailing his lifestyle as a Nebraska pimp.

Transcript

Jimmy Cliff performs “Wahjaka Man”

H & L Brock IIISummary: Lowell Brock (John Belushi) and the H & L Brock tax team’s ties with the underworld can be an asset to you this tax season.

Note: Lorne Michaels plays an off-screen joke on John Belushi during this sketch, by tying Belushi’s shoelaces together below his chair.

Transcript

“The Apple Follies”Summary: Harry McDevitt’s film features a police raid following an apple’s strip tease.

“I Gotta Be Me”Summary: Hardhat Al Alen Petersen is transformed into a blonde woman.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman
Man…..Garrett Morris
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
…..Alan Zweibel

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Wait, wait, wait, wait. Honey… you’re talking too fast. What did she tell you? Yes… at the right moment. Yeah? Well, who yanks the beads out? I — [ he sees the camera ] I gotta go!

Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase and… you’re not.

Our top story tonight: Generallissimo Francisco Franco has been critically dead now for eleven weeks. And his doctors refuse to speculate on how long he can last in his present condition.

This week, the FDA banned Red Dye #2, saying the red coloring agent is suspected of having cancer-causing qualities. Coincidentally, it was reported this week that Ronald Reagan revealed he was undergoing treatment for cancer of the hair.

After the treatment, Reagan met at a reception with the three most popular conservative party majors to discuss burning the edges of government documents brown to make them look old and really neat. And the potential use of the musket in CIA-financed foreign wars.

President Gerald Ford has released a list of eight potential running mates for the 1976 election. Among those listed are Elliott Richardson, Charles Mercy, Howard Major, and Sen. Edward Brook of Massachusetts. White House sources said that Brook, a Black man, will not actually be the choice for running mate, but that “The President put his name on a list as a token…” [ flips page ] “of his appreciation.”

Chevy Chase: Because it has been so difficult reaching our correspondent in Angola, via satellite, during the heavy fighting there in past weeks. I will dial directly for a live telephone hook-up with “Update” reporter Luwanda Angola. [ he dials the phone ]

[ on the monitor, the phone rings at Jane Curtin’s residence ]

Jane Curtin: [ she answers ] Hello?

Chevy Chase: Hello, Angola!

Jane Curtin: Angela’s not here right now. Who’s this?

Chevy Chase: This is Chevy Chase, “Weekend Update”.

Jane Curtin: [ elated ] Chevy, what are you doing calling me! Aren’t you supposed to be doing the news?

Chevy Chase: Who is this?

Jane Curtin: This is Jane! How are you!

Chevy Chase: Ah, Jane… hi… how are you? I-I must have dialed the wrong number. I wanted Angola.

Jane Curtin: Angela’s over at your house, stringing the beads. You know that.

Chevy Chase: [ blushing ] Good night, Jane! [ he hangs up ] War-torn Luwanda Angola!

State Department officials have denied that the revolution-scarred nation has been signed for a two-week engagement at New Yokr’s Apollo Theater.

Patricia Hearst’s lawyers have been charged with trying to stop doctors from trying to examine her, and possibly using sodium-pentathol administered by a hyperdermic. Patty is reputed to have a long-standing fear of needles, dating back to the time when she was an only child in San Francisco — THE only child in San Francisco — who had to — who had to snort her polio vaccine. [ Chevy crumbles the report and flicks it off the news desk ]

Pugi, the hot, new Israeli rock band of southern men, will visit the U.S. and perform in New York City’s Town Hall on February 22nd. The group will feature their new hit single: “Palestine, My Buns”.

Following reports of swarms of so-called killer bees from South America, crossing the border into Texas and California, the Department of Agriculture has warned of dangerous apartment-eating cattle, seen roaming loose in North Carolina.

Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” is proud to announce a new weekly feature on today’s woman. To kick it off, Laraine Newman is in Times Square with a live remote interviewing people on “Abortion: Boon or Hindrance?” Laraine?

Laraine Newman: [ in times Square ] Thank you, Chevy. I’m stopping people on the street at random, and getting their views on “Abortion: Boon or Hindrance?” [ she stops a Black man ] Oh! Excuse me. I’m Laraine Newman, from NBC’s “News Update”. Could you answer just a couple of questions?

Man: Sure.

Laraine Newman: 1: Have you ever had an abortion?

Man: Uhhhh, no… I haven’t.

Laraine Newman: And, Number 2: if, under the right circumstances, would you have an abortion?

Man: Naaahhhh, I wouldn’t… no.

Laraine Newman: Thank you. [ the man walks away, confused and bewildered ] This has been Laraine Newman, in Times Square. Back to you, Chevy.

[ Chevy shakes his head ]

Walter Cronkite admitted today that he would have informed the FBI if John Chancellor was indeed a CIA informant, had the CIA not asked the former not to disclose the FBI’s associations to the CIA, as long as the FBI and the CIA were connected with the Chancellor investigation, and if Cronkite’s CIA-sponsored activities uncovering Chancellor’s FBI-NBC connections with the AF of L CIO, CBS, J-E-double-L-O. [ a beat ] M-O-u-S-E.

Great Bitten — Britney! [ Chevy speaks sudden gibberish, then starts over ] Great Britain’s conquered SST flew her maiden passenger flight, Monday, from London to Rio de Janiero in a record seven hours and fifty minutes. The record time included a one-hour refueling and forty-minute delay when the pilot overshot South America.

Chevy Chase: Still To Come: David and Julie Eisenhower openly discuss David’s sexual fantasies. After this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for Middle American Van Lines ]

[ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. Here to reply to a recent editorial, is Miss Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: What’s all this FUSS I hear… about saving Soviet jewelry? Now… what makes Soviet jewelry so special? Will it be worth more in a few years? Why… prices what they are today… ALL jewelry will be worth more! now, if I recall correctly, Mrs. Kruschev didn’t wear very much jewelry… and her husband, the Premier, didn’t even wear a watch! Not the mickey mouse watch, anyway. Why, they wouldn’t even let him into Disney Land! And now he’s DEAD!! Well, I’m infuriated! Save Soviet jewelry?! Where are we going to put it? I say keep it over THERE, with all their ballet dancers! Let them keep their own jewelry AND their own ballet dancers! As a matter of fact, why don’t get the ballet dancers to save the jewelry?! Americans have more important things to save! And electricity! And what about our fuel? Now, THAT’S important! Not jewelry!

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella. Miss Litella.

Emily Litella: What?!

Chevy Chase: It’s Jewry. Jewry. Not jewelry.

Emily Litella: It’s what?

Chevy Chase: Soviet Jewry. The editorial was about Jewry, not jewelry.

Emily Litella: Oh! Well, that’s very important.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ she smiles ] Never mind!

Chevy Chase: In reviewing “Weekend Update” for the past twelve editions, we find we may have been unreasonably unfair to President Gerald R. Ford. Beginning tonight, “Weekend Update” declares a moratorium on stories which might be interpreted as accusing the President of stupidity and clumsiness. In the future, we shall treat the Office of the President with the respect it deserves, and eliminate ALL questionable references to our Chief Executive.

This morning, an unidentified man fell out of a second story window of the White House and landed headfirst in the Rose Garden. Whoever it was somersaulted to a waiting helicopter, bumped his head on the rotor blade, and was carried into the craft by Secret Service agents, then took off for Andrews Air Force Base for the first leg of a trip to Veil, Colorado.

We’re running out of time, so I’ll just have to combine the last two stories: This afternoon, George foreman knocked out the capitol city of Beirut, Lebanon, where he found guerilla warfare in that heavyweight Mediterranean prizefight. That report from correspondent Ron Lyle, in battle-torn Las Vegas, Nevada, in the Middle East.

Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who may have been in the shower earlier in the broadcast, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Chairman of Wet Americans for a Cleaner Nation, Alan Zweibel. The top story tonight:

Alan Zweibel: Tonight’s top story:

Together: Generallissimo Francisco Franco has been critically dead now for eleven weeks.

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Alan Zweibel: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Organ Harvesting

Dr. Collins ….. Dudley Moore
Dr. Kedeski ….. Tom Schiller
Dr. Barda ….. Chevy Chase
Doctor ….. Dan Aykroyd
Patient ….. Garrett Morris
Nurse ….. Anne Beatts

[ Four surgeons and a nurse are gathered around an operating table, with Dr. Barda making an incision into the shoulder of the lifeless body ]

Dr. Kedeski: It’s been seven minutes, Dr. Collins.

Dr. Collins: Gentlemen, procedure dictates that this is the moment of decision. (removes his surgical mask, the other doctors following suit) It is Dr. Kedeski’s and my opinion that the vital life functions of this patient ceased some seven minutes ago. Dr. Barda’s EEG Reading confirms it. However, before proceeding with the extraction of the heart for transplantation, I would like the opinion of the entire surgical staff. A simple show of hands will do. All those who believe the patient is legally dead, please raise your hand.

[ All the doctors and the nurse raise their hands ]

Dr. Collins: Anyone who does not?

[ Dr. Collins looks around for hands, not noticing that the patient is slowly raising his hand ]

Dr. Collins: Well, we shall proceed.

[ Oblivious of the patient’s raised hand, the surgeons go back to work on the body. As the audience applause, a shot of a bearded man in the audience is shown with the caption ABBIE HOFFMAN ]

[ Fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

The Muppets

…..Gilda Radner

[ Gilda Radner is in front of a black screen, ready to introduce the musical guest. ]

Gilda Radner: And now…

[ Scred enters, wearing a killer-bee costume. ]

Scred: Okay, here I am! I’m ready!

Gilda Radner: Scred… what are you doing here?

Scred: Hey, where is everybody? Where’s all the bees?

Gilda Radner: Scred, there aren’t going to be any bees in this show.

Scred: Are you sure?

Gilda Radner: Yeah!

Scred: Oh… well, they told me that they were doing a sketch on The Andy Griffith Show, and that I could play Aunt Bea.

Gilda Radner: Scred… they decided not to do it. Didn’t anybody tell you?

Scred: Aww, that’s just great! That’s really great! Boy, how come nobody ever tells us Muppets anything? [ Gilda laughs lightly ] No, don’t laugh. We’re tired of being second class citizens around here.

Gilda Radner: Oh, Scred…

Scred: Don’t gimme that “Aw, Scred” stuff! I mean, how come we’re not in any of the major sketches? Really! I could do News Update. I’m capable.

Gilda Radner: Okay.

Scred: Good evening. I’m Scred. And you’re not.

[ The audience applauds. ]

Scred: I mean, y’know, toy boat, toy boat, big deal. But nooo… you know, I have to go to a lot of trouble just to get extra tickets!

Gilda Radner: Really!

Scred: Yeah! And let me tell you…

Gilda Radner: What?

Scred: My parents are sick about it.

Gilda Radner: Really? You know something, Scred, is there anything else you want to say?

Scred: Uh. Just one more thing… Can I play with your moogies?

Gilda Radner: [ She giggles and tickles him. ] No, you can’t play with my moogies! You know something, now that you’re here, there is something you can do.

Scred: Oh, yeah?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Scred: What?

Gilda Radner: Why don’t you introduce Neil Sedaka.

Scred: Hey, I’d love to.

Gilda Radner: Okay.

Scred: Ladies and gentlemen… Neil Sedaka.

[ Gilda kisses Scred and nuzzles with him. ]

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Peter Cook and Dudley Moore’s Monologue

… Peter Cook
… Dudley Moore

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Cook and Dudley Moore!

Peter Cook: Thank you!

Dudley Moore: Thank you very much.

Peter Cook: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Uh, if there’s, uh, any confusion amongst you about which one of us is which …

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: … I think we ought to clear that up.

Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.

Peter Cook: I’m the, uh, I’m the tall one.

Dudley Moore: Good.

Peter Cook: And I’d also like to say something about the difference between English comedy and American comedy. We, uh, we tend not to have very many sort of zappy one-liners or anything like that.

Dudley Moore: No. It’s more sophisticated, you know, really. More, um… understated.

Peter Cook: Well, it’s more understated, I’d say.

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: Very understated, very subtle.

Dudley Moore: Yes.

Peter Cook: In fact, we’ve been here two years performing without a laugh.

Dudley Moore: Right. Right, and in fact I – I – I would think probably very few of you realize that we – we’ve cracked three wonderful jokes during these last few seconds. You see?

Peter Cook: It’s probably the sort of joke which will sink in about half an hour later.

Dudley Moore: Right, it’ll just grow and then people’ll be falling off their seats, you know.

Peter Cook: And just – just – just cracking up.

Dudley Moore: Yeah, absolutely.

Peter Cook: Anyhow, I think we should give an example of the sophisticated, understated English humor.

Dudley Moore: Why not? I’ll – I’ll get into some things.

[Moore walks off, a red curtain slides into view as a backdrop, Cook retreats to the curtain.]

Peter Cook: He’s gonna get into some extremely sophisticated English costumes and we’ll move right along with this, uh, curtain or drape as you call it. The scene is set in a producer’s office. [moves a chair to center stage] By the magic of placing a chair in the middle of this place, we have conjured up a producer’s office. [in character, calls out to stage right] Uh, Miss Rigby? Stella, my love? Would you send in the next auditioner, please? Thank you, my dear.

[Enter Moore, grinning broadly, wearing trench coat, hopping on one leg, the other leg — the left one — tucked under the coat – he hops over to Cook and shakes hands.]

Peter Cook: Nice to see you.

Dudley Moore: [still hopping up and down] Nice to see you.

Peter Cook: Settle down. [puts a hand on Moore’s shoulder and stops his hopping] Uh, Mr. Spiggott, is it not?

Dudley Moore: Yes, Spiggott’s the name, acting’s my game.

Peter Cook: I see. Spiggott is the name and acting is your game.

Dudley Moore: Right.

Peter Cook: If you’d like to settle down for one moment, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.

Peter Cook: Thank you very much. [Moore hops over to the chair and rests his “stump” on it] Mr. Spiggott, er, you are auditioning, are you not, for the role of Tarzan?

Dudley Moore: Yes.

Peter Cook: Uh, Mr. Spiggott, I, uh, I couldn’t help noticing — almost immediately — that you are a one-legged man.

Dudley Moore: Oh. You noticed that?

Peter Cook: When you’ve been in the business as long as I have, Mr. Spiggott, you, uh, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively.

Dudley Moore: Yeah. Sort of ESP.

Peter Cook: That kind of thing, yes.

Dudley Moore: Mm, yes.

Peter Cook: Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan.

Dudley Moore: Yes, right.

Peter Cook: A role traditionally associated with a two-legged artiste.

Dudley Moore: Yes, correct, yes, yes.

Peter Cook: And yet you, a unidexter… are applying for the role.

Dudley Moore: Yes, right, yes.

Peter Cook: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you with overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

Dudley Moore: Yes, I think you ought to.

Peter Cook: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say with, uh, too much stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient.

Dudley Moore: The leg division?

Peter Cook: The leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It’s a lovely leg for the role. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, “Hello! What alovely leg for the role!”

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I’ve got nothing against your right leg.

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: The trouble is — neither have you. [delayed applause] You, uh, you fall down on the left.

Dudley Moore: You mean it’s inadequate?

Peter Cook: It is inadequate, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: In my view, the public is not yet ready …

Dudley Moore: No?

Peter Cook: … for the sight of a one-legged Tarzan swinging through the jungly tendrils, shouting “Hello, Jane.”

Dudley Moore: No. No, right.

Peter Cook: But don’t despair, Mr. Spiggott. I mean, after all, you score over a man with no legs at all. By one hundred percent.

Dudley Moore: Well, I’ve got twice as many.

Peter Cook: You’re streets ahead!

Dudley Moore: So there’s still hope?

Peter Cook: Of course there is still hope, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I mean, if we get no two-legged character actors in here within, say, the next, oh, [checks his wristwatch] eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, will be the very type ofartiste we shall be attempting to contact with a view to jungle stardom.

Dudley Moore: [likes the sound of that] Jungle stardom.

[Moore gets off chair, shakes hands with Cook while hopping up and down.]

Peter Cook: I’m just sorry I can’t be more definite at this stage.

Dudley Moore: Oh, good Lord!

Peter Cook: But you must understand … these days. We’ve so much tied up in the remake of Gone With The Wind, Part Four, we can’t afford…

[Applause drowns out some of Cook’s parting comments to Moore who exits right, hopping and waving goodbye. The SNL band begins to play and Cook, alone on stage, does a little hopping himself to the music as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Lifer Follies

Warden…..George Coe
Director…..Peter Cook
Assistant…..Gilda Radner
First Prisoner…..Dan Aykroyd
Second Prisoner…..Chevy Chase
Third Prisoner…..Garrett Morris
Fourth Prisoner…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, Warden’s Office ]

Warden: Well, I am aware of the success of this program in English prisons, and I’m certain we can make it work here. I must say I am impressed with your credentials. It’s not often that a maximum security institution in the middle of Utah gets a full-fledged director from the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts to direct the annual prison show.

Director: Thank you, Warden. To my way of thinking, there is no better therapy for the man on death row than to work with his fellow lifer in harmony, for the enjoyment of all his neighbors. It seems to make life in these dismal places more tolerable for all. This is my assistant, Miss Thompson, who will take notes during the auditions. [ points to his Assistant ]

Warden: How do you do, Miss Thompson?

Assistant: Hello.

Warden: [ to the Director ]

Director: What play are you planning to have the men put on?

Director: “Gigi”.

Warden: I beg your pardon?

Director: “Gigi”.

Warden: I see. Well, there are seventy-three lifers here, each waiting to show you his particular talent. I don’t suppose I have to remind you that these are desperate men, Mr. Marley. most of them would kill to get into this production.

Director: [ chuckling ] And many of them have.. ha, ha ha..

Warden: Miss Thompson, at the risk of being rude, I would suggest you button the top button of your blouse. Some of these men have not seen a woman in fifteen years.

Director: We’re ready. Could we see the first prisoner?

Warden: [ nods, opens door to let in first prisoner ] Name?

First Prisoner: I’m Boyd Norman, 11764. I’m a structural steel engineer from Whitburn, Arizona, I’m glad to be here, and I’m serving twenty-five consecutive sentences of fifty years each.

Director: Ah, yes, Boyd, it says here that you stepped into a fmaily reunion with a flamethrower.

First Prisoner: Yes, I torched the whole place. Aunts, uncles, kids, cousins, sisters-in-law, nephew, nieces, wife, twenty-seven of them.

Director: I don’t imagine you get much mail.

First Prisoner: Now, I’ll tell you quite honestly, I know what I did. I participated actively in my own trial, acting as a witness for the defense and the prosecution. I set several legal precedents when I conducted a battery of simple psychological word cue tests on myself in court. I have a good grasp of current trends in psychiatry and psychopathology, and I’m going to be quite frank with you here, I’m glad I’m locked up. I’m glad you’re here, too, it’s about time we got a dose of culture around here for a change.

Director: And what will your audition piece be?

First Prisoner: Well, I dance with insects. I’ve studied zoology while I’ve been here, and I have some common household roaches here – Cuca blatteria, as they are called – and I’m just gonna lay them out here and sing a number from the show “The Night They Invented Champagne”. And And I’ve trained them.. [ takes bugs out of jar and puts them on the floor, then starts to sing and dance and kill the bugs by jumping on them ] Igot plenty more! [ puts another bug on the floor, still singing and dancing and killing the bug deliberately ] You know, what’s great is when you crush their prothorax. [ puts another bug on the floor and tries to crush it ] You ain’t even gonna get an inch.. you ain’t even gonna get an inch! [ two guards start to drag him out ] I swallow chihuahuas whole!!

Director: Very good physical presence. I think we might use him in the chorus.

Warden: Next! [ Second Prisoner enters ] Name?

Second Prisoner: Clyde, Sankyou.

Director: Sankyou. It says here you are serving a life sentence for kidnapping a family of four, child molestation, impersonating an officer of the Coast Guard, and setting fire to the only exisitng answer print of “To Sir With Love”.

Second Prisoner: Yes, sir.

Director: What are you going to di for us, Mr. Sankyou?

Second Prisoner: I’d like to tell a joke, and then I thought I might play “Moon River” on the harmonica.

Director: Well, that would be nice.

Second Prisoner: Yes, well, sir, the joke requires a bit of audience participation. So, if you wouldn’t mind, would you repeat my name again for me?

Director: Alright.. Clyde Sankyou.

Second Prisoner: You’re welcome. Ha, ha!

[ Assistant laughs uncontrollably. Second Prisoner plays “Moon River” on harmonica, then suddenly stops playing and lunges for the Assistant. Everyone screams and pulls him off. ]

Director: I suppose that was part of the audience participation?

Second Prisoner: Sir, if I may redeem myself, I understand the play you’re doing is “Gigi”. I thought I might sing one of the songs from the original show.

Director: Go ahead, Mr. Sankyou.

Second Prisoner: You’re welcome. [ sings ]

“Thank heaven for little girls,
For little girls wear tiny underpants,
And sometimes they pull their dresses over their heads,
And they go walking in a deserted lot without anyone else around..”

[ Second Prisoner lunges for Assistant again, as the guards drag him out of the office ]

Director: We’ll be in touch, Mr. Sankyou.

Warden: Terribly sorry.

Director: Quite alright. May we see the next man, please?

[ Third Prisoner enters ]

Assistant: Name?

Third Prisoner: Garrett Johnson.

Director: It says here, Mr. Johnson, that you are serving a life sentence for first degree murder and insulting an officer of the law.

Third Prisoner: That’s right.

Director: What are you going to do for us today?

Third Prisoner: I’ve been in dolitary for years now, and I’ve studied and developed my talent for writing music, and I’ve written lots of songs. Here’s a song I’m gonna sing which is the sum of my philosophy. [ sings ]

“I’m gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see,
I’m gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see.
When I kill all the whities I see, then whitey he won’t bother me,
I’m gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see.
Then I’ll get a white woman who’s wearing a navy blue sweater..”

[ Guards pull him away ]

I belong to AFTRA!

Director: Wonderful sense of rhythm.

Warden: Next, please!

[ Fourth Prisoner enters with pianist ]

Warden: This is Mike “The Chef” Pontrello, alias Phil Harmonica, alias Johnny Bananas, alias Wesley Cunningham Aylsworth III.

Assistant: Name?

Fourth Prisoner: Steve Beshakas.

Warden: He is serving a life sentence for killing forty-three people at point blank range.

Fourth Prisoner: I was cleaning mygun. It was an accident. But the past is the past, and I believe I should be in this year’s show because..well, I think this song says it all, and I’d like to dedicate it to all the wonderful people on the parole board. I’m not just saying that ’cause the warden’s here. I mean it. By the way, I think the warden is doing one heck of a job. He’s a great guy – let’s hear it for the warden. [ everyone claps, as he begins to sing ]

“That’s life – that’s what all the people say
You’re ridin’ high in April, shot down in May
But I know I’m gonna change that tune
When I’m back on top, back on top in June
That’s life, I can’t deny it,
I thought of quittin’ out, but my heart just won’t buy it
If I didn’t think it was worth a try,
I’d roll myself up in a big ball and die..”

[ Fourth Prisoner suddenly rolls onto the floor, then jumps up and lunges for the Director, trying to kiss him. The guards pull him off and drag him away ]

Fourth Prisoner: I’m gonna kill you! I love you!

Director: [ to Warden ] I think we’ve found our Gigi.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Goodnights

…..Chevy Chase
…..Peter Cook
…..Dudley Moore

[ return from final bumper to Peter Cook and Dudley Moore standing with Chevy Chase behind the wooden crate with the bomb package at Home Base ]

Dudley Moore: For those of you who missed the front of the show, we’d like to reconstruct it for you — correctly.

[ Chevy takes out a pair of scissors from his bag and cuts the string on the box ]

Chevy Chase: This is a bomb.

Dudley Moore: Right.

Peter Cook: [ pointing with his lit cigarette ] Bomb!

[ from within the box, a hand rises slowly as it holds the cream pie steady ]

[ Dudley Moore carefully takes the cream pie into his hand ]

Dudley Moore: Bomb.

[ with accurate precision, Dudley Moore balances the cream pie upright and pushes it into Chevy’s face ]

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Peter Cook squooshes the cream pie farther into Chevy’s face ]

Dudley Moore: Thank you very much!

[ as Chevy removes the cream pie from his face, John Belushi emerges from beneath the crate ]

[ Chevy shakes Peter Cook’s hand, then shoves the remnants of the cream pie into Peter Cook’s face; in kind, Peter pretends to suckerpunch Chevy and chase him across the stage ]

[ as pieces of the cream pie continue to be tossed about, Dudley Moore, in long shot, inaudibly addresses the camera ]

Dudley Moore: — with Dick Cavett, with guest star Jimmy Cliff. [ he then whistles loudly, as an offscreen audience members tosses a leftover piece of cream pie at his back, then another piece near his rear end ]

[ the credits begin to roll ]

Announcer: Jerry Nelson was Muppet Scred. Also in the cast: George Coe. Next week, our host will be Dick Cavett and guest Jimmy Cliff. This is Don Pardo saying, “Good night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Don Pardo’s Holiday in an Elevator

Husband…..Dan Aykroyd
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Traveler…..Garrett Morris
Elevator Boy…..Tom Schiller
Woman…..Jane Curtin
Native People…..Dudley Moore
Customs Inspector…..Chevy Chase

[FADE IN on a married couple sitting on a living room sofa. The husband is dully pulling a bill out of an envelope.]

Don Pardo: Stuck in the city this winter? Yet you’re pining for far-off adventure and exotic new friends? Well, now your dreams are answered!

[drum roll and dramatic horn fanfare]

Pardo: Yes, it’s “Don Pardo’s Holiday in an Elevator”! Around the world in eighty floors! Where every landing is another land!

[FADE to a nondescript elevator lobby and SUPERIMPOSE the caption “DON PARDO’S HOLIDAY IN AN ELEVATOR” trimmed by vines. The horns segue into majestic strings. A moment later, Garrett Morris walks in with a brown suitcase in his hand. He presses the button, and the doors open instantly. Garrett steps inside.]

Traveler: [to elevator boy] Sweden, please!

[Garrett stands still as the elevator boy holds out his hand to keep Garrett back until the doors close. The married couple walks in next. The wife hugs and kisses another woman happily as the husband holds a huge gray suitcase in one hand and presses the elevator button with the other.]

Pardo: Yes! We’ll take you on a globe-girdling experience, up and down the world, and you won’t even have to leave town!

[The woman waves goodbye and tingles with excitement while the couple steps into the elevator and the doors close. CUT to the couple and the elevator boy inside.]

Husband: Okay.

Pardo: Up the world you go! Proud, friendly natives await you on every floor! The doors open out on fabled Canada, our neighbor to the north!

[Elevator doors open to show Dudley Moore wearing a parka and a fedora in front of a still projection of a snow-covered mountain forest.]

Moore: [with a cheesy grin] Howdy, folks!

Pardo: Canada has the sun on the enchanting second floor. A tame deer nibbles snow out of the palm of your hand!

[A fake deer head sticks out from behind the doors and nuzzles the wife’s hand for a moment. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “CANADA: $7.98 (FOR 10 MINUTES)” as the doors close.]

Husband: Why don’t we, why don’t we go on up to Spain?

Pardo: Spain, you say? Jewel of the Mediterranean!

[Elevator doors open to show Dudley wearing a bullfighter’s outfit and a beret in front of a photo of tropical mountains.]

Moore: ¡Buenos dìas!

Pardo: Better hurry if you don’t want to miss the traditional running of the bulls on sun-splattered nineteen!

[Dudley tries to stick two swords into the fake deer’s head, but the swords clatter to the floor, and he grins widely. SUPERIMPOSE, “SPAIN: $9.98 (FOR 8 MINUTES)” when doors close.]

Wife: This is great!

Husband: Yeah, this is fun!

Pardo: Or is it frozen tundra you’re after?

Husband: Sure.

[Doors open on Dudley dressed in a cassock hat with a fur hastily thrown over his bullfighter’s suit. He is standing in front of the same scene shown for Canada.]

Moore: Slavarvich!

Pardo: Communism leaps alive on panoramic forty-five, fabled Russia, land of detènte! A tame bear nibbles wheat out of the palm of your hand!

[A bear’s head nuzzles the wife’s hand again. SUPERIMPOSE, “RUSSIA: $5.98 (FOR 5 MINUTES)” as the doors close back up.]

Husband: A bear!

Wife: This is great!

Husband: Oh, yeah, look at that paneling! [snaps photos of elevator wall]

Wife: Oh, this is fun, honey!

Pardo: Why not go native on sun-drenched Borneo?

[Doors open on Moore glaring out annoyedly in the same outfit.]

Moore: No way, no way!

[A fake sheep head pokes out, and the doors close abruptly a second later. Crowd roars with laughter.]

Pardo: Okay, then on to sun, south Tahiti! Jewel of the Pacific!

[Doors open on Dudley in the same outfit. Standing in front of the same mountains shown for Spain, he waves a Hawaiian shirt and a grass skirt in front of him and sways back and forth.]

Moore: Aloha!

Pardo: With its sapphire skies and glittering beaches! A tame wild boar nibbles poi out of the palm of your hand!

[With two long tusks attached near its mouth, the boar’s head nuzzles the wife’s open palm. SUPERIMPOSE, “TAHITI: $2.98 (FOR 3 MINUTES),” then doors close again.]

Husband: This is fun.

Wife: Great!

[The husband takes a couple more photos of the elevator paneling.]

Pardo: And at last, seasoned world travelers, you’re ready to return home safely!

Elevator Boy: [pleasantly] Mezzanine, United States. Watch your step, please.

[He opens the doors, and the couple stumbles back out into the hallway. Gilda is carrying two shopping bags with her.]

Husband: A marvelous tour which we’ll remember as long as we live!

Wife: [in nasal voice] We especially loved India, and you can even drink the water and not get sick!

Husband: And anything can happen–we got stuck between Uruguay and Nepal for a minute!

[A customs inspector steps up to them.]

Inspector: Anything to declare, folks?

[They look at him in shock.]

Inspector: Just kidding. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…

[The couple grin as the inspector grins and then puts on a blank look.]

Pardo: Yes, no more hassles, no jet lag, no sunburns!

Husband: And you don’t even have to get vaccinated!

Wife: And you don’t even have to put clothes in your luggage!

Pardo: That’s “Don Pardo’s Holiday in an Elevator”!

[SUPERIMPOSE, “815 E. 33RD STREET” across the bottom of the screen as the husband and wife kiss.]

Pardo: Located in midtown Manhattan! Convenient to all subway and bus terminals!

[SUPERIMPOSE, “VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW,” as the couple smile happily for the camera.]

[DISSOLVE to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Knows Norm Crosby”]

[FADE to BLACK]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts