Month: October 2018

SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 05/10/14: Bikini Beach Party



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 20














13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay

Bikini Beach Party

Darren…..Taran Killam
Gadget…..Charlize Theron
Gretchen…..Aidy Bryant
Girls…..Cecily Strong, Kate McKinnon, Vanessa Bayer, Nasim Pedrad, Noel Wells, Sasheer Zaamta
Old-timer…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: We now return to Bikini Beach Party, starring Simon Nebo and Lyn Lynette.

[ dissolve to Darren and Gadget surfing ]

Darren: Hey, Gadget. Why so sad? Haven’t caught any big ones?

Gadget: It’s not that. It’s just I’m going back to Chicago tomorrow and I haven’t kissed anyone.

Darren: Well, it’s funny you should say that. I wanted to talk to you tonight.

Gadget: Really? Tonight? Just you and me?

Darren: Of course, silly. Uh, meet me after the bonfire by the dead whale.

Gadget: What?

Darren: You know, the big dead whale that’s been on the beach for weeks, filling up with gases.

Gadget: Maybe we should meet somewhere else.

Darren: Don’t be silly, stupid. Oohh!!! Wipe out!

[ Darren crashes into the water ]

Soundtrack:
“Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Yeah!”

[ dissolve to girls dancing on the beach ]

Girl #1: Alright! I love surf music.

Girl #2: Yeah! It’s just kind of nothing.

Gadget: [ appearing ] Hey, girls!

Girl #3: Oh! Hi, Gadgets!

Girl #4: So Gadget, do you have a date for the big bonfire tonight?

Gadget: Oh, I’m not going to the bonfire. Darren asked me to meet him by the big dead whale.

Girl #5: The dead whale? The one that’s been on the beach for weeks, expanding with gas?

Gadget: Yeah! It’s so romantic.

Girl #2: Darren’s so dreamy. He’s the only 22-year old that will even talk to us 13-year olds.

Gretchen: Hey, guys. Um, is it okay if we like, stop dancing while we talk? Cause it’s so hard to do both you know?

Girl #2: Shut up, Gretchen.

Girl #1: Wait, how did the dead whale get full of gas anyway?

Gretchen: Well, when whales decompose, their bodies fill up with highly combustible methane gas. Science is actually pretty cool.

Gadget: No, it’s not, Gretchen. You’ve ruined your own summer, don’t ruin ours.

Gretchen: Okay. Well, I had scarlet fever.

Soundtrack:
“Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Yeah!”

[ cut to Darren waiting on the beach, as Gadget appears ]

Darren: Oh! Hey, Gadget. I didn’t think you’d come.

Gadget: It’s so stinky over here, Darren.

Darren: Oh, that’s because of the dead whale. It’s fill with gas.

Gadget: I heard. Methane gas.

Darren: Wow, you’re smart and cute, and thirteen.

Gadget: Oh, Darren.

Darren: I… I brought my ukelele. You mind if I sing you a song before we kiss?

Gadget: Okay, but a short one. It smells very bad here.

Darren: [singing]
“There’s no thing like loving a girl like you
When you’re around, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do
Don’t even try to hide…”

(The whale explodes, laughter and applause)

Gadget: Oh my god!

Darren: I’m blind with whale guts!

[ Old-timer runs forward with a wheelbarrow ]

Old-timer: [laughs] Hey, hey. Oh, I’ve been waitin’ all day for this poppy to pop. I’m gonna eat for months!

Gadget: Darren, let’s get out of here.

Darren: Hey that’s a good idea, Gadget. Why don’t we take cover over by that other dead whale?

[ they take a few steps across the beach ]

Darren: [singing]
“There’s no such thing as loving a girl like you
When I see your face, I think she can be real.”

[explosion, splatting sound]

Gadget: Darren?! Darren! Oh! Guess I’ll never get that kiss!

Old-timer: Well, that’s just the way it goes at…

Soundtrack:
“Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Yeah!”

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 05/10/14




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 20


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>




Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 10th, 2014

Charlize Theron

Black Keys

None

Barbara Walters

None
A Mother’s Day Message from Michelle Obama and Hillary ClintonSummary: First-Lady Michelle Obama (Sasheer Zamata) and Hillary Clinton (Vanessa Bayer) spar with one another while delivering a friendly Mother’s Day message to moms across America.

Recurring Characters: Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Charlize Theron’s MonologueSummary: Now realizing that she can’t really sing, Charlize Theron sings a song to help demonstrate this point.

Transcript

Come Do a Game Show With Your Mom, It’ll Be Fun, Yes It Will!Summary: Mom Joanne Pendak (Kate McKinnon) forces her kids (Brooks Wheelan, Kyle Mooney, Charlize Theron) to be contestants on a game show centered around her own life.

Transcript

Girlfriends Talk Show Summary: Kyra (Cecily Strong) and Morgan (Aidy Bryant) bring their rebellious teacher Miss Christine (Cecily Strong) to the show.

Recurring Characters: Kyra, Morgan.

Transcript

Dragon BabiesSummary: A behind-the-scenes look as retired police officer Rick Shoulders (Mike O’Brien) performs coughing voiceover work for a dragon who’s afraid of heights.

Transcript

Dating SeminarSummary: Heshi (Nasim Pedrad) uses corny sound effects and her best friend Gail (Charlize Theron) to help single women make fleeting connections with single men.

Recurring Characters: Heshi, Fashid.

Transcript

Black Keys perform “Fever”

Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin JostSummary: Barbara Walters. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) gives his thoughts on graduation.

Recurring Characters: Drunk Uncle.

Bikini Beach PartySummary: 60’s surf teenager Gadget (Charlize Theron) longs to kiss Darren (Taran Killam) next to a dead beached whale.

Transcript

Black Keys perform “Bullet in the Brain”

Whiskers R WeSummary: Kat (Charlize Theron) and Barbara (Kate McKinnon) advertise rescue animals .

TouristsSummary: Immigrant tourists try to diffuse the language gap while visiting New York City.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andrew Garfield: 03/03/14: Wedding Toast



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 19


















13s: Andrew Garfield / Coldplay

Wedding Toast

Father of the bride…..Bobby Moynihan
Emcee…..Kyle Mooney
Kevin…..Andrew Garfield
Jeff…..Taran Killam
Britney…..Cecily Strong
Guest…..Kenan Thompson
Jackie…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on wedding reception ]

Father of the bride: So to my gorgeous daughter and new son-in-law Jeff, may this be the start of a fairy tale life. I mean, you already have the castle! [ he laughs heartily ] Have you seen their house? It’s enormous!

Emcee: Father of the bride, folks! Next up, we have —

Kevin: [ rushing in ] I’m sorry! Can I see that? Can I see that for a second? [ he accepts the microphone from the father of the bride ] Thank you. Hey, I apologize, I’m sorry for interrupting, but this is kind of one of those now-or-never moments. [ he breathes heavily ] Okay, Britney? Um… oh, God, I’m shaking! Uh… Seeing you there in that dress, getting married to that man… everything suddenly just became very clear! [ he catches his breath a few times ] I’m in LOVE with you!

Guest: Oh, DAMN!!

Kevin: Please! Please, please, please! Just let me finish. From the moment that I saw you, I wanted you! But I BURIED it! And I can’t any more! Life is short! So take a chance and run away with me! RIGHT now! I’ve called a taxi, it’s outside! Don’t worry about all these people, just follow your heart! Because, Britney Alice Tangier… I can TELL… that you FEEL the same way!

Britney: [ stunned ] Um… I… don’t. I’m not really sure even where this is coming from, Kevin, because you and I have only hung out in group settings. So… sorry, but I do not have feelings for you… at all!

Kevin: [ flabbergasted ] Um… um… okay! I wasn’t, I wasn’t expecting that response! I-I-I-I don’t know! [ slightly embarrassed, jumpy ] Sorry! Sorry, everybody! PARTY FOUL! Party foul on ME! Britney, it’s all good! And, Jeff, I love you, man! I love you SO much! Okay! You know what? Can we just FORGET I ever came up here? BOOM!! Never happened! Wedding, guys! WEDDING OF THE CENTURY!! YEAH!! WE’RE HAVING FUN!! [ he rushes out ]

Emcee: Okayyyy, that was absolutely insane! Uhhh… moving forward here, it looks like next up is the toast from our Best Man and Maid of Honor — uh, get on up here, Kevin and Jackie!

[ a slighly embarrassed Kevin walks back out with a noticably irked Jackie, as “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” plays ]

Kevin: Uhhh… Sorry. Sorry, my post is NOW. I thought it was a post-dinner thing, but… call it bad timing!

[ Guest nods his head in agreement ]

Kevin: But it’s all good, because we’ve all moved on! If anyone’s laughing about this, it’s the groom himself — my cousin Jeff! What’s up, bro! [ he laughs nervously, as Jeff stares stone-faced ] Alright, here we go! Okay! [ reading from his notes ] “When Jeff introduced me to Britney, I was like: ‘How is this gonna work? She’s a TEN, and he’s, like, you know… JEFF!'” [ the guests shake their heads ] Right? Yeah, I know. That joke doesn’t… play as HARD now. Uh… okay. Well, you know, the truth is… [ reading ] “The truth is, any guy would be lucky to have her as a…” You know what? I’m just gonna wrap it up. I’m gonna toss it over to the Maid of Honor — my beautiful wife of six years… Jackie! She’s just, like… like SO beautiful!

Jackie: [ awkwardly ] Hello.

Kevin: Whoooo!! JACKIE!!

Jackie: [ reading from her notes ] “Britney and Jeff. You have been… such amazing friends to Kevin and I.”

Kevin: Yeah… yeah…

Jackie: “You are our two favorite goofballs…”

Kevin: Yeah!

Jackie: “And the godparents to our four wonderful children.”

[ the four kids stare open-mouthed and distraught ]

Kevin: Hey, you guys! I love you guys! You guys are HILARIOUS, you’re so fun! Are you guys okay?

Jackie: “So, yeah… I wish you as much success in your marriage as Kevin and I have in ours.”

Kevin: WHOO!!

Jackie: “The End.” [ she rips up her notes and walks away ]

Kevin: YEAH!! We’re all so happy!! Okay!

Emcee: Best Man and Maid of Honor, folks! Let’s hear it for them ONE time! [ no response ] Next! Can we get our lovely bride up to the stage! And, fellas — just go ahead and join her! Yep! It’s time for the garter toss!

[ Kevin runs back into the room ]

Guest: Hey, hey, boy! SIT your ass DOWN!!

Kevin: Absolutely!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andrew Garfield: 05/03/14




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 19


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


May 3rd, 2014

Andrew Garfield

Coldplay

None

Emma Stone

Keifer Sutherland

Leslie Jones
Donald Sterling Press ConferenceSummary: Following his racist recording rant, L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling (Bobby Moynihan) makes his half-hearted apologies to the NBA.

Recurring Characters: Dennis Rodman.

Montage

Andrew Garfield’s MonologueSummary: Fellow “Spiderman” actors Emma Stone and Aidy Bryant give first-timer Andrew Garfield pointers on how to quell his hosting jitters.

StanxSummary:

Recurring Characters: Shallon.

Celebrity Family Feud Summary: Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) moderates as American music performers are pitted against international music performers.

Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey, Justin Timberlake, Reba Macentire.

Oliver TwistSummary: A starving Oliver Twist (Andrew Garfield) fights older orphan Dierdre (Cecily Strong) for the last bowl of soup.

The BeygencySummary:

Coldplay performs “Magic”

Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin JostSummary: Russian woman Olya Povlatsky (Kate McKinnon) talks about the Ukranian attack in her village. In-house image expert Leslie Jones comments about People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Person. Jebediah Atkinson (Taran Killam) reviews the Tony Awards.Atkinson.

Recurring Characters: Olya Povlatsky, Jebediah Atkinson.

Spiderman KissSummary: While filming “Spider Man 2”, Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone are incapable of kissing like normal human beings.

Wedding ToastSummary: Kevin (Andrew Garfield) makes an ass of himself when he admits to being in love with the bride (Cecily Strong) at her reception.

Transcript

Coldplay performs “A Sky Full of Stars”

The Bird BibleSummary: Illustrations of birds in religious scenery helps make the Bible more kid-friendly.

Note: Repeat from 13n

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: Monster Pals



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18


















13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

Monster Pals

Bartender…..Kenan Thompson
Jim…..Connor O’Malley/James Franco
Danny…..Mike O’Brien
Bully…..Seth Rogen
Patron…..Taran Killam

[ open on Clancy’s Bar ]

Bartender: Here you go, fellas. Hey — no trouble tonight. I know sometimes you monsters like to get a little rowdy. [ he gives one final stink-eye as he steps away ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Typical.

Jim: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Yeah, what was that all about?

[ a Bully and his posse enter the bar ]

Bully: Hey! You dumb MONSTERS! [ to his buddies ] Watch this. [ to the monsters ] Yo! What’s UP, uglies? Nice… gross green skin! This guy’s got… He-Man’s HAIR! He doesn’t even have LIPS! Where’s this guy’s LIPS?! Just do me a favor, Monster: Don’t look in that mirror right there… ’cause you might BREAK IT! YOU UGLY MONSTER!

[ the Bully and his buddies laugh as they walk away ]

[ the monsters look glumly at their reflections in the mirror ]

Jim: [ growling, with subtitles: ] He’s right, Danny. We’re ugly! I’ve been thinking about getting the surgery.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Whoa… Heavy. I mean, whatever you gotta do. It’s just, if you get a surgery to look human… how will I tell you apart from the rest of them?

Jim: Hey, man… Even if I look human, inside I’ll always be… your buddy Jim.

[ they hug ]

[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

[ Danny enters the bar, looking for Jim ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Is that you, Jim?

Patron: You’re looking for Jim? I’m not Jim, I’m Dave!

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Sorry, my friend has this jacket.

Patron: Yeah, well a lot of people have this jacket, alright? [ Danny shirks away ] I hope you find him. You can’t just go grabbing people, man! You gotta watch that.

[ cut to footage of Danny randomly approaching unsuspecting New Yorkers and asking for Jim, scaring the shit out of most of them who don’t know what’s going on ]

[ Danny stops by a video store window and glimpses a scene from “Monsters University” ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] They took a lot of liberties on that one.

[ Danny chases a group of kids at Washington Square ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] There’s been a misunderstanding.

[ Danny sees a girl wearing a chicken mask ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Sooooo… I actually work out quite a bit myself.

Girl: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Look, I have a boyfriend.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Alright. Alright. Forget it.

[ Danny appears in the outdoor crowd during “The Today Show” ]

[ Danny sits on a bench advertising the monster face reconstruction surgery by Dr. Wiencko ]

[ suddenly, Danny spots a familiar shape leaning along the pier ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Uh… Jim…?

Jim: [ smiling ] Danny!

[ they hug ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] You’re a hunk!

Jim: Aw, I feel GREAT! This surgery is AWESOME!

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] I’m really happy for you, Jim.

Jim: I don’t go by “Jim” any more. Now it’s… James.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Jaaaaaames.

Jim: James.

[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

Jim: So how do you feel? You happy you did it?

Danny: I am, yeah — I feel good. I mean… I don’t love the nose they gave me, I might have that changed soon…

Jim: Yeah, I don’t know why you chose that face…

Danny: It’s just a little bit cheaper, and… hmm…

Jim: Oh, well.

Danny: Good to see you!

[ Danny wraps his monster hand around James’ shoulder ]

[ SUPER: “The End” ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: Blue River Dog Food



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18










13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

Blue River Dog Food

Cindy…..Cecily Strong
Pat…..Seth Rogen

[ open on couple seated on couch ]

Cindy: Our animals? They’re like part of the family. [ to her dog ] Right, Peanut?

Pat: We have kids, too! [ he chuckles ]

Cindy: But the animals, we’ve had longer. And I want the best for them. That’s why we switched to… Blue River Dog Food.

Pat: Blue River NEVER skimps on ingredients, like our old dog food. I mean, look what our dog was eating before: [ he holds up old dog food bag ]

Cindy: [ reading ] “Ground yellow corn”? “Chicken byproduct meal”? I mean, did they really think we weren’t gonna look?

Pat: We did look, and now we know better.

Cindy: I know, but… the thing that gets me is, it’s, like… what kind of person thinks it’s okay to put a big drawing of a chicken on the front of the bag, and yet, there’s no chicken in there!

Pat: It’s okay, honey! [ he laughs nervously ] We’re using BLUE RIVER now!

Cindy: [ laughing maniacally ] Well, how is that okay, Pat? HOW?! ‘Cause… we fed that old GARBAGE to our DOG, Pat! You know?

Pat: I know. Are you… are you about to cry right now?

Cindy: Um… maybe! I don’t know!

Pat: It’s, it’s, it’s okay! We switched brands!

Cindy: It’s NOT okay, Pat! It’s like they think I’m DUMB!!

Pat: No, they don’t think we’re dumb, they just think we don’t care as much as we do!

Cindy: Ohhh, please! Give me a break, BIG NAME DOG FOOD!! You know, what OTHER compromises can we make?!! You want to have SEX with my husband?!! BEND OVER, Pat, they want to GET THAT ASS!!

Pat: No! I-I-I-I don’t think that’s what they want…! I think they’re just cutting corners on their dog food.

Cindy: “Cutting corners”?! There’s no CHICKEN, Pat!!

Pat: Th-th-th-there is some chicken! There’s just not that much chicken! There are trace amounts of chicken!

Cindy: Oh! Oh! “Trace amounts”! I’m sorry, I’m just INSANE!! That’s great! “Trace amounts”! Have you heard that, Peanut?! Have you tasted “trace amounts of chicken”?!

[ the dog remains silent ]

Pat: Look — I don’t know what you want me to DO, Cindy! Okay?!

Cindy: GET ANGRY, PAT!! YOU BE ON MY SIDE FOR ONCE!!

Pat: I AM ANGRY!!

Cindy: NO, YOU’RE NOT!! I have SEEN you angry!! You be a MAN, Pat!!

Pat: I AM BEING A MAN!! I’M BEING A MAN RIGHT NOW!! I DON’T APPRECIATE THAT!! I’M TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER!!

Cindy: HOW, Pat?!

Pat: WE SWITCHED BRANDS!! THREE WEEKS AGO!!

Cindy: [ crying ] IT’S NOT ENOUGH!! I WANT SOMEONE FROM THAT COMPANY TO COME HERE… AND LOOK MY DOG IN THE FACE AND SAY… “SORRY!!!”

[ the dog is pre-occupied with a chew toy ]

Cindy: AND SAY “SORRY” TO ME, AND THEN “SORRY” TO MY FAMILY… AND THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!! YOU CAN BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT, FOR ALL I CARE!!

Pat: Honey, Big Brand Dog Food is NOT gonna do that!

Cindy: [ clutching her temple ] I hate everyone on Earth…!! People are LIARS… and LOSERS!! [ she screams ]

Pat: SHUT UP!! YOU’RE UPSETTING THE DOG!!

[ the dog just stares at the camera ]

Cindy: Our DOG?!! Our dog is BRAIN DEAD from eating LITTER and CRAP DOG it’s WHOLE LIFE!!

Pat: I need you to calm down!! Okay?!!

[ she screams in his face ]

Pat: Just… walk around! Get some air! Okay?!

[ she walks to the back wall and stretches her arms to the ceiling ]

Cindy: I give up! I TOTALLY give up! You know? They win! There’s no fight left in me. Big Name Brand Dog Food, you won, okay? [ she returns to the couch and sits ] Take my dog, take my house… I’m done…!

Pat: Honey… we’re feeding the dog the GOOD STUFF now! We’re GOOD!!

Cindy: Are, are we? I want to believe that you care about me, but…

Pat: Honey… we bought BLUE RIVER DOG FOOD as SOON as we found out!!

Cindy: [ she shrugs ] Okay…

[ cut to product image ]

Announcer: They switched to Blue River. Real ingredients and real quality. Show your pet you care.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18












13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test

Man…..Beck Bennett
Woman…..Vanessa Bayer

[ open on couple holding a pregnancy test in their hands ]

Man: Are you ready to find out?

Woman: I’m nervous.

Man: Don’t be! Everything’s going to be fine.

[ cut to couple in testimonial ]

Woman: Deciding to have a baby wasn’t a simple decision.

Man: And we didn’t want a pregnancy test that just gave us a simple “Yes” or “No.”

Woman: We wanted more information.

Man: And when it comes to giving information, there’s only one name we trust to give it to us constantly.

Woman: That’s why we use the new CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test. Its relentless breaking alerts let us know that it’s working hard to find out if we’re having a baby.

[ cut to Woman exiting bathroom with pregnancy test in her hands ]

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY UNDERWAY!

Woman V/O: As CNN slowly analyzes my urine, it updates me on its “Breaking News” screen.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY CONTINUES!

Man V/O: Because CNN believes that we deserve all the information they can find.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CNN MORE CONFIDENT THAN EVER THAT IT WILL SOON KNOW IF YOU’RE PREGNANT!

Man V/O: Even if that information is no information.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY ENTERS THIRD WEEK!

Why is this taking so long? It’s 2014!

Man: Honey, it’s not the stick’s fault, it’s telling you everything it knows.

Woman: I know. I’m not mad at the stick. It’s just — This was fun at first, but now it’s just: “WAIT, and tell me when you know!”

Man V/O: Breaking alerts, every ten minutes.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! 6 MILLION U.S. WOMEN GET PREGNANT EACH YEAR!

Woman: So?!

Man V/O: Daytime and nighttime.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!…

Woman: Oh, my God…

Man: [ groggy ] We’re having a baby…?

Woman: Nope. Oscar Pistorius took his legs off in court.

Woman V/O: And when CNN finally does make a discovery about a pregnancy —

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! PREGNANCY FOUND!!!

Woman: Pregnancy found!!

Man: YES!!

Woman V/O: I know it’ll be accurate —

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CANNOT CONFIRM PREGNANCY!

Woman V/O: 15% of the time.

Man: Great.

Woman: Great! Cool! Awesome! How great!

Man: Fine!

[ cut to product ]

Man V/O: The CNN Home Pregnancy Test.

Woman: For when you want to know, but they don’t know.

[ cut to Woman entering room with baby in her arms ]

Woman: Honey! I guess I was pregnant!

[ they hug ]

Together: Thanks, CNN!!

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!

Woman: Oh! And Ke$ha just took the dollar sign out of her name.

Man: Hmm.

Woman: Hmm.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


April 12th, 2014

Seth Rogen

Ed Sheeran

None

James Franco

Zooey Deschanel

Taylor Swift

None
GOP at CoachellaSummary: Paul Ryan (Taran KIllam) and Jeb Bush (Beck Bennett) try to make themselves relevant to a younger audience at a music festival.

Recurring Characters: Paul Ryan, Jeb Bush.

Montage

Seth Rogen’s MonologueSummary: Seth Rogen’s diary readings are interrupted by unwanted cameos from James Franco, Zooey Deschanel and Taylor Swift.

ShallonSummary:

Recurring Characters: Shallon.

CNN Pregnancy Test Summary: Hopeful Mom-to-be (Vanessa Bayer) receives frequent though useless updates on the possibility of her being pregnant.

Transcript

SteakhouseSummary:

Monster PalsSummary: After being made fun of in a bar, a pair of monsters (James Franco, Mike O’Brien) have reconstructive surgery to look human.

Transcript

Blue River Dog FoodSummary: Pat’s (Seth Rogen) testimonial for Blu River Dog Food takes an abrupt turn when Cindy (Cecily Strong) lashes out at the lack of integrity of their previous brand.

Transcript

Ed Sheeran performs “Sing”

Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin JostSummary: Red Sox player David Ortiz (Kenan Thompson) explains the selfie he took with President Obama. Bar Mitzvah boy Jacob (Vanessa Bayer) still isn’t quite ready to bond with Cecily Strong.

Recurring Characters: Jacob.

Engagement PartySummary: (Seth Rogen) is embarrassed when his cousin Stacey (Cecily Strong) crashes his engagement party to announce that he had a one-time drunken gay encounter.

Undercover SharptonSummary: In the 1970’s, Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) goes undercover to assist the FBI in a drug bust.

Ed Sheeran performs “Don’t”

Happy 420Summary: Wanna-be pot smoker (Kyle Mooney) celebrates the return of Bob Blinger on April 20th.

Herman & SonsSummary: George Herman (Seth Rogen) and Eugene Sons (Kenan Thompson) announce the transition of their business venture from a sperm bank to a yogurt parlor.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anna Kendrick: 04/05/14: Anna Kendrick’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17






















13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Anna Kendrick’s Monologue

…..Anna Kendrick
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Anna Kendrick!

Anna Kendrick: Thank you! Thank you SO much! It is SO exciting to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I’ve done a lot of movies lately, but… actually, um, I got my start in the musical theater. When I was 10, my dad took me to see “Beauty and the Beast” on Broadway… and I just KNEW I wanted to be up there, so… to be here on this New York stage is so incredibly exciting. It just feels like something out of a storybook.

[ music pots up ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“SNL.
Can’t believe I’m hosting!
It’s a show
I’ve always adored..

SNL!
Full of lovely people
Coming up… to say:”

Taran Killam: Bonjour!

Kenan Thompson: Bonjour!

Kyle Mooney: Bonjour!

Sasheer Zamata: Bonjour!

Kate McKinnon: [ walking past ] Hello, Anna!

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“There go the writers and the cast, like always
Rewriting scripts until the end.
Everyone must do their part!
For the show’s about to start!
And tonight will be so magical.”

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, hey, Anna!

Anna Kendrick: Hi, Bobby! Don’t you just LOVE being on stage?

Bobby Moynihan: I mean… it’s more of a TV show…

Anna Kendrick: But it’s LIVE and it’s WONDERFUL, and YOU’RE wonderful!

Bobby Moynihan: Okay, you’ve got to pace yourself, girl!

Anna Kendrick: Okay, Bobby! Bye!

[ Kendrick walks past Vanessa Bayer and Kate McKinnon having their hair combed ]

Together: [ singing ]
“Look, there goes Anna and she’ll be great, no question!
She’s talented beyond compare!”

Kate McKinnon: [ with an Irish lilt ] “She can do an Irish lilt!”

Vanessa Bayer: [ with a Scottish brogue ] “She can do a Scottish brogue!”

Kate McKinnon: “Was that supposed to be a Scottish brogue?”

[ cut to Kendrick with Beck Bennett ]

Anna Kendrick: Bonjour!

Beck Bennett: Hello!

Anna Kendrick: “I love your costume!” [ she runs over to Cecily Strong ] “Bonjour!”

Cecily Strong: Hi there!

Anna Kendrick: “I love your face!” [ she runs to Aidy Bryant ]

Aidy Bryant: “My wig! My wig! My wig is missing!

Anna Kendrick: Have you checked the top of your own head?

[ Aidy nods and runs, as Taran Killam runs forward ]

Taran Killam: Ahhhh, Anna!

Anna Kendrick: Good evening, Taran! I wanted to tell you how much I like your part in that restaurant sketch!

Taran Killam: The one where I’m a waiter with no lines?

Anna Kendrick: Is that the one? It’s my FAVORITE part of the whole entire show!

Taran Killam: But I don’t say ANYTHING!

Anna Kendrick: That’s what makes you so great!

Taran Killam: [ chuckling ] Oh, well, thank you!

Anna Kendrick: No, thank YOU! Thank you SO much!

[ Kendrick runs off, as Aidy, Cecily and Kate join Taran ]

Together: [ singing ]
“Oh, there she goes, she’s full of wide-eyed wonder!
It’s her first time at SNL!
She’s a Tony nominee
and an Oscar nominee
I just hope she knows that we don’t pay that well!!”

[ Kendrick is worked over by make-up artists ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“Ohhhhhhhhhh, isn’t this amazing?
Who’d have ever thought that this could beeeeee?”

[ she stands behind Lorne Michaels, as he watches the cast on a monitor ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“I’m herrrrrrrrrrre!
With Lorne Michaels watching…”

[ Lorne turns to reveal that he’s really on his cellphone ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“I can tell that he’s really liking this and liking meeeeeee!”

[ she leans against Lorne’s back as he walks away ]

Cast: [ singing ]
“Look! Here she comes, it’s lovely Anna Kendrick!
And she is hosting SNL!
The rumor is a fact!
She’s singing and that’s that!
It’s gonna be a real good show!
A funny and an awesome show
A magical, exciting showwwwwwwww
Toniiiiiiiiiight!!”

Anna Kendrick: We have a great show for you tonight! Pharrell Williams is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts