Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Zach Galifianakis’ Monologue

…..Zach Galifianakis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Zach Galifianakis!

[ as Galifianakis approaches Home Base, he picks a rose from the band area, sniffs it, then places it atop the piano waiting near Home Base ]

Zach Galifianakis: Thank you! Thanks, everybody! I’m Zach Galifianakis. Thank you. Thank you. Don’t get your hopes up! I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving, um… [ he squints, as the audience roars with laughter ] I haven’t really done anything, guys.

I was playing Charades with my father — uh, Cha-rods. Uh, my father is, uh — This is his Charade for a minute long… just this: [ he sticks out his tongue and waves his head and hands ] I’m like, “Dad! What else?!” [ he continues his gestures ] His word was TOFU!

I once played Charades with a couple. My wife and I were playing Charades with a couple that were deaf. They were amazing! I mean, none of this [ he tugs his ear ] “Sounds like…” business.

This happens to me once a week. Maybe — Usually, twice a week — But once a week, this happens. Last week, I’m in a gift card shop — I’m buying a card — and this woman comes up to me and says, “Um… has anyone ever told you that you look like the guy from “The Hangover”? No offense.”

I once got urinated on in a parking lot at Cracker Barrell. [ he shakes his head ] Craigslist!

[ he sits at the piano and starts playing a soft tune ]

I’d like to just talk about myself now… I’m very well reed, and, uh…

The other day, I was… lighting the bottom of my spoon with a Bic lighter…

I only have set-ups. No punchlines.

I had a flight last week, from La Guardia. I had a layover at JFK. I had a sopover at Newark.

Sometimes when I’m bored, I just like to look up things online and see if there’s something I can’t find out. I like to stump Google. The other day, I Googled: “How many Mexicans live in North Korea?” Google didn’t know! I also Googled: “How many candles does Dave Navarro own?” 14,000.

Sometimes when I see people on the side of the road with car trouble, I like to pull over, put my hazards on, get out of my car, walk up to them… and try my jokes out on them.

Sometimes when I’m in a restaurant, I’ll order a beet salad, so when the waiter brings me my beet salad, I just look at them and go: “Thanks for laying down those funky beets.” It’s an expensive joke because I don’t even like beet salad.

I know a guy that… well, he has a beard and he kind of lives in Pennsylvania. He’s Am-ish.

Here’s something you’ll never see in Braille: “If you see something, say something.”

[ he stops playing the piano, returns to Home Base and tosses the rose into the audience ]

Zach Galifianakis: And now in honor of this great stage, and all the great characters who have been through here, I would like to do a character that I’ve been working on for a while. This character is called The Guy Who Reaches Into His Pocket And Thinks Anything Is A Cell Phone. Here we go — The Guy Who Reaches Into His Pocket And Thinks Anything Is A Cell Phone. [ he pulls an Altoid tin out of his pocket, and clumsily holds it to his ear as all the mints fall out ] “Hello? Hey, I can barely here you. This is an Altoid box.” [ he throws the tin to the floor ]

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Zach Galifianakis: We have a WONDERFUL show for you tonight, everybody! Of Monsters and Men is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

M&M Store

Manager…..Jason Sudeikis
Jim…..Zach Galifianakis
Noreen…..Nasim Pedrad
Eddie…..Fred Armisen
Rob…..Tim Robinson
Kyle…..Bobby Moynihan
Joe…..Kenan Thompson
Christina…..Vanessa Bayer

[ open on M&M Store ]

Manager: Alright, uh — Listen up, team! Before we open up the store today, I want to huddle up. Everybody, huddle up, please! [ the employees, wearing different colored shirts, gather round ] Okay. Uh, Jim, you want to come out here, please real quick?

[ Jim, wearing a red M&M costume, ambles in ]

Manager: Now, our new greeter, Jim, here, had a real rough firsy day yesterday, okay? I mean, that goes without saying, right, Jim?

Jim: That’s right.

Manager: Mmm-hmm. Uh — Now, he said some things that wer VERY offensive, but he… he’s asked for a chance to apologize. so we’re gonna let him. Uh, Jim? Why don’t you go ahead.

Jim: Thank you. [ he clears his throat ] So, uh, look — There was a lot of name-calling yesterday. I know you didn’t like any of the names I called you, and I certainly didn’t like the names you called me, like, uh… “Racist Jim”, and “Jim the Bigot.” So… I want to apologize to each of you individually, and ask for your forgiveness. Forst of: Noreen. I know that all day, I continuously referred to you as the wrong type of Indian. But I want to get it right — please tell me one last time which kind you are… and I SWEAR I’ll never ask you again.

Noreen: I’m Pakistani.

Jim: And… is that the name of your tribe, or…?

Noreen: It’s a country!

Jim: How!

Noreen: It just is!

Jim: No, I was saying Hello.

Manager: No, come on. Let’s stay focused, Jim. Okay? Come on, push through.

Jim: Eddie… My dear, dear Mexican friend. Let’s see… Mi espanol es bueno…

Eddie: No, no — I speak English.

Jim: Oh, thank God! Okay, good. So, look — Listen, I called you “Dirty” a lot yesterday, and I…

Eddie: You did.

Jim: I did. And, yet… I’m a total slob. I mean… maybe I don’t deserve to be in this country, either.

Eddie: I was born in Minnesota, Racist Jim.

Jim: [ to the manager ] And we’re back to name-calling again! This is what I’m talking about!

Manager: I know, I know… Just, come on, Jim, we gotta keep it moving. Come on.

Jim: Okay, moving on — I definitely should apologize to our gays.

[ the two employees Jim signals out give him quizzical looks ]

Jim: Gentlemen… [ he shakes his head ] The thought of what you guys do really makes me sad. And I know I made that abundantly clear — often, through song — but then I got home, and I felt… Well… my wife is really ugly. Hell, she might as well be a dude! So maybe we ain’t that different, you know? Why don’t we just bury the hatchet? [ he stares at Noreen ] No offense. [ she looks at him curiously ] And, guys… gays. Let me be the first to say: I support whatever you want to do, as long as it’s behind closed doors.

Kyle: We’re not…

Rob: Thank you! [ he shrugs his shoulders at Kyle ]

Jim: But it’s entirely possible that I owe the biggest apology… to Black Joe.

Joe: It’s just Joe. There are no other Joes that work here! I mean, even if there were, you know…

Jim: You were certainly the recipient of some of my low moments in that three-hour shift. I don’t know what I feel worse about: How often I asked to touch your hair… or when I pointed to that brown M&M and yelled: “Hey, look, everyone — it’s Black Joe!”

Joe: That one actually kind of made me laugh!

Jim: Uh, I wasn’t finished with my list. Please don’t talk over me. This is not a movie theater. You also seemed offended at my many attempts to connect with you through music. [ singing ] “Swing low…”

[ Joe attempts to rush Jim, but is held back by everyone ]

Manager: Come on! Come on!

Jim: Okay. Yeah, yeah… okay, we should about wrap up this pow-wow. [ to Noreen ] I am so sorry!

[ Noreen shakes her head in disgust ]

Jim: And, finally… there was Christina. Yuo probably don’t remember, Christina, but… yesterday I grabbed your boob pretty hard in the break room, while squeezing an air horn.

Christina: I remember, Racist Jim.

Jim: See, but you gotta admit — there’s nothing racist about that exchange whatsoever, right?

Manager: Mmm-hmm… mmm-hmm…

Christina: Yeah, except that you said that my BUTT was “Puerto Rican”… but that my boobs “didn’t get the memo.”

Manager: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah… Okay, we got it. We should open up the store. Uh, Jim — you’re obviously fired, okay?

Jim: What?! Are you positive about this?

Manager: Oh yeah, absolutely, yeah!

Jim: You don’t have no reservations? [ to Noreen ] Again, I am so sorry!

Manager: No, it’s time to go, Jim.

Jim: Well, tell me this — Am I eligible for unemployment, or is that just for you know who?

Manager: Okay… okay. Come on, let’s go! Let’s go! [ he pushes Jim out, then turns to his staff ] Come on, let’s sell some candy!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Goodnights

…..Zach Galifianakis

Zach Galifianakis: Thanks to Of Monsters and Men, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Jon Hamm! Thank you very much to the cast and crew! Thank you so much, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Darrell’s House

Darrell Sparks…..Zach Galifianakis
…..Jon Hamm

[ open on Knoxville Cable Access card ]

[ dissolve to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ dissolve to Darrell standing in his living room ]

Darrell: …Hello!

[ jump cut ]

Darrell: …Let me tell you a little bit about myself: I’m Darrell Sparks, and I love to enter–

Wife V/O: What are —

Darrell: –TAIN!! So what do I consider the three keys of entertaining? 1. Great snacks!

[ cut to an empty snack tray ]

[ jump cut to snacks now on the tray ]

Darrell: The second key? Good music! That’s why I’m playing…

Darrell V/O: [ as his lips move on-screen ] Al… Jolsen.

[ Al Jolsen music begins to play ]

Darrell: That sounds GREAT!! And last, but not least, great guests!

[ jump cut as a doorbell rings ]

Darrell: I think one is here right now!

[ Darrell walks over to the front door and opens it ]

Darrell: Mr. Jon Hamm!

[ jump cut as the door opens and Jon Hamm steps in ]

Jon Hamm: How youdoing, Darrell?

Darrell: Thanks for coming! [ split-screen on Darrell shaking his friends hand, with Jon Hamm in the pother frame ] You look AMAZING, Jon! What’s your secret?

[ cut to close-up of Jon Hamm ]

Jon Hamm: If I told you… it wouldn’t be a secret!

Darrell: [ he laughs ridiculously over-the-top ] Oh, Jon! Care for some snacks?

[ the two camera angles follow Darrell and Jon Hamm to thesnack area ]

[ cut to Jon Hamm putting a snack in his mouth ]

Jon Hamm: Excellent!

Darrell: [ with his Friend’s arm still in the shot ] Why, thank you, Jon! I made them myself!

Jon Hamm: They’re great!

Darrell: You look so happy, Jon, which is surprising — I always heard you were a MAD man!

[ cut to full-frame video footage of the “Showtime at the Apollo” audience whooping it up ]

Darrell: [ with his Friend still in the shot ] Thanks for stopping by, Jon!

[ jump cut to Jon Hamm, with Darrell checking his phone in the background ]

Jon Hamm: Thanks for having me!

[ Jon Hamm exits ]

Darrell: Well… For the first time I had someone to my house, THAT was a success!

[ close-up of Darrell blinking, with a CGI of his right eye still open ]

[ jump cut to a freeze-frame of Darrell with the credits scrolling over him ]

[ cut back to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Darrell’s House

Darrell Sparks…..Zach Galifianakis
Wife…..Vanessa Bayer
Wayne Smote…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Knoxville Cable Access card ]

[ dissolve to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ dissolve to Darrell standing in his living room ]

Darrell: Hi! Hello! [ he glances off-camera ] Okay, edit out the “Hi”, I just want to do it, okay? Just do it, Marcus, just do it! [ to the camera ] I’m Darrell, this is the first time I’m having house over to my people! [ he groans in disgust ] God! Cut that! Alright? Just CUT that part! [ to the camera ] But before my friends show up… let me tell you a little bit about myself: I’m Darrell Sparks, and I love to entertain…!

[ Darrell’s wife appears at the top of the stairs ]

Wife: What are you doing?!

Darrell: Honey, I’m filming a show.

Wife: It looks STUPID!

Darrell: [ he throws a plant at her ] YOU look stupid!!

[ she rushes upstairs in fear ]

Darrell: Just — Marcus, you GOTTA cut around all that, okay? No rage. No rage. I’ll say “Entertain” again, and just pick it up right after that! [ he smiles at the camera ] ENTERTAIN!! So what do I consider the three keys of entertaining? 1. Great snacks!

[ cut to an empty snack tray ]

Darrell: Marcus? I want a shot of snacks there, okay? Just a shot of snacks. [ to the camera ] The second key? Good music! That’s why I’m playing… [ he moves his mouth without speaking ] So, if we can find can artist there, we’ll clear his name, we’ll record that name over there, and then we’ll put in the music where we’re with my lips, okay? [ he smiles at the camera ] That sounds GREAT!! And last, but not least, great guests! [ he glances off-camera ] I want you to put a doorbell effect there, okay? Right after I say “guests.” MARCUS!! Okay, good. [ he smiles at the camera ] I think one is here right now!

[ Darrell walks over to the front door and opens it ]

Darrell: Mr. Jon Hamm!

[ Wayne Smote enters ]

Wayne: I’m not Jon Hamm.

Darrell: I know, but we’re here… and we’re gonna edit him in. You’re just here for the lighting and markers, okay? [ to the camera ] Thanks for coming! [ whispering ] Now, shake my hand…” [ they shake hands ] There we go… [ loudly ] You look AMAZING, Jon! What’s your secret?

Wayne: My secret is… I’m not Jon Hamm.

Darrell: [ glancing off-camera ] Marcus? Okay, listen, I’m gonna laugh really hard, in case, uh, Jon says something really funny, okay? I’m gonna do it right here. [ he laughs ridiculously over-the-top ] Oh, Jon! Care for some snacks?

[ Wayne shrugs his shoulders, then follows Darrell over to the empty snack tray ]

Darrell: Okay, pretend to take some snacks, please? And eat a snack.

[ Wayne pretends to eat snacks ]

Darrell: Why, thank you, Jon! I made them myself!

Wayne: Hey, if Jon Hamm is on this show, why isn’t he here?

Darrell: [ outraged ] BECAUSE WE’RE ON DIFFERENT SCHEDULES!!! [ he throws down his snack tray, then glances off-camera ] Hey, Marcus? Just edit that part out, okay? I’m gonna tell my joke now. [ he looks at the camera ] You look so happy, Jon, which is surprising — I always heard you were a MAD man! [ he smiles, then glances off-camera ] Insert a shot of, uh, “Showtime at the Apollo”, people laughing at the audience, okay? Audience — huge laugh, right there. [ to the camera ] “Thanks for stopping by, Jon!”

Wayne: Go?

Darrell: Yes! Go! Go!

Wayne: Hey, when’s this gonna be on? I want to tell my mom to watch.

Darrell: You’re not gonna be on! Jon Hamm is gonna be on!

Wayne: [ smiling ] I bet it’ll be me!

Darrell: Bye, Jon! You’re a friend!

[ Wayne quietly exits ]

Darrell: Well… For the first time I had someone to my house, THAT was a success! [ he glances off-camera ] So, what I want to do here is, I want to wink, but I can’t — I can only blink. So I’ll blink… but then CGI this eye open so it looks like a wink, okay? [ he blinks ] And now freeze-frame me smiling, and roll the credits over my face. [ he stands still as he smiles wide ] And then, we can just roll the song.

[ cut back to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Jennifer Aniston Look-Alike Competition

Emcee…..Jason Sudeikis
Paul Nevins…..Zach Galifianakis
Jackie Benning…..Cecily Strong
Ben Gables…..Bobby Moynihan
Vincent Smith…..Kenan Thompson
Mark Leonard…..Taran Killam
Gabby Franklin…..Nasim Pedrad
Diana Reynolds…..Vanessa Bayer
Radley Cooper…..Bradley Cooper
Ted Pelms…..Ed Helms

[ open on Marriott Ballroom ]

Emcee: Now, ladies and gentlemen, before I announce the winners of the 15th Annual Jennifer Aniston Look-alike Competition, I’d just like to tell all eight of our finalists that, no matter who wins: [ singing ] “You are so Aniston…to meeeeee!” Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. And, please — Hold all applause until I read ALL the names. Now, in eighth and last place… it is Paul Nevins.

Paul Nevins: WHAT?!!!

Emcee: Uh… Congratulations to Paul. Uh… now…

Paul Nevins: No, no, no, no! [ he runs onstage ] I hate to interrupt, but obviously there’s been a mistake here!

Emcee: I’m afraid not, Paul. You’ve got Eighth place.

Paul Nevins: How is that even POSSIBLE?!! I mean, LOOK at me! I’m PERFECT!!

Emcee: Uh — well, you know, the judges didn’t think so!

Paul Nevins: Yeah? WHO were the judges?! Mr. Magoo and Helen Keller?!

Emcee: Hey, come on!

Paul Nevins: Oh, shut up!! She knew what she was doing! She was MILKING it!

Emcee: Paul!

Paul Nevins: Well, tell me this, then: What was my Hair score?!

Emcee: Come on, Paul…

Paul Nevins: What was my Hair score?! I want to know my damn Hair score, please!

Emcee: It was a 3.

Paul Nevins: A 3! That’d better be out of 2!

Emcee: It was out of 100!

Paul Nevins: Okay, fine! Read the rest of your little list there, Schindler! I am FASCINATED to know who BEAT me!

Emcee: Okay… Well, in Seventh place is Jackie Benning!

Paul Nevins: WHAT?!! WHAAAATTT?!! Jackie Benning?!! LOOK at her!!

[ reveal Jackie ]

Emcee: I think she looks very convincing.

Paul Nevins: TO WHO??!! HELEN KELLER??!!

Jackie Bennings: Hey! I helped you with your hair!

Paul Nevins: Yeah! And see how THAT turned out! Just GREAT!! Thanks a lot for the help, BEEN A BITCH Arnold!!

Emcee: Paul! Come on!

Paul Nevins: Fine! Who’s next?! I want to know!

Emcee: Alright. Well, Sixth place is Ben Gables!

Paul Nevins: Oh, Ben Gables! Now I get it! This is a joke! Ha ha ha! That’s HILARIOUS!!

[ reveal Ben ]

Ben Gables: [ deep-voiced ] Hey, I worked really HARD at this!

Emcee: Okay. Fifth place goes to Vincent Smith!

Paul Nevins: He’s dressed like Whoopi Goldstein!!

[ reveal Vincent ]

Vincent Smith: Oh, hush up, child!

Emcee: Alright, uh, Third place is a tie between Mark Leonard and Gabby Franklin!

[ reveal Mark and Gabby ]

Paul Nevins: THEM?!! Are you kidding me?!! I’ve taken FARTS that look more like Jennifer Aniston!! They’re not even wearing “Friends” T-shirts!!

Emcee: Hey, come on…

Gabby Franklin: Yeah, why would Jennifer Aniston wear a “Friends” t-shirt?

Mark Leonard: Yeah, it’s like the last thing she would ever wear.

Paul Nevins: Oh! WHY would she WEAR it?! Oh, I don’t know! Because she got it FREE at WORK?!! GOD!! Get a life, you dunce!!

Emcee: Okay, Paul? That’s enough, okay?

Paul Nevins: This competition is an entire sham!!

Emcee: Is there no Security here? Anybody?

Paul Nevins: I’M the Security!

Emcee: Oh, okay… that makes sense, then… Alright, well, in Second place, I have Diana Reynolds!

Paul Nevins: Oh, I’m sorry… I’m sorry… Diana Reynolds?! THAT Diana Reynolds?!

[ reveal Diana smiling ]

Paul Nevins: Who did she promise NOT to blow to win Second place?!

Diana Reynolds: Hey!

Emcee: Come on…

Paul Nevins: Let’s see your famous IMPRESSON again, Diana!

Diana Reynolds: “Oh! Uh, oh! Uh… did you know that Ross and I used to, uh… uh… uh-uh… date? Oh! Oh…!”

Gabby Franklin: Yeah! I think it’s more like… [ parting her hair back ] “Oh! Okay! Yeah! Oh! Do you guys know Ross? He’s a good guy! Oh, oh! Hey!”

Mark Leonard: Uh, yeah, but maybe it’s more like… “Oh! Oh… uh… So you and Ross are, um… [ he flexes his arms ] Dating! [ he pulls his hair back ] Oh! Oh!”

Paul Nevins: Oh, my bad! I didn’t realize this was a Jabba the Hut competition! Also: Who the hell is ROSS?!!

Emcee: Okay. Come on, Paul! Come on!

Paul Nevins: Let’s just end this pathetic charade! Who’s the big winner? Come on, let’s hear it!

Emcee: Well, the WINNER… oof the Jennifer Aniston Look-alike Competition — Brought to you by SmartWater — Oh! And we actually have CO-CHAMPIONS! It’s RADLEY COOPER and TED PELMS!!

[ Radley and Ted appear onstage, as the audience applauds wildly ]

Paul Nevins: Why are people clapping?!! THESE two?!! Who did their make-up?! Helen Keller?!

Radley Cooper: Hey, hey, hey! You know something? You’re a real jerk! You know, you may look exactly like Jennifer Aniston…

Ted Pelms: [ missing his cue ] …On the outside! But on the INSIDE… you’re a total Helen Keller!

Radley Cooper: Yeah!

Ted Pelms: That’s why you got Eighth place!

Paul Nevins: [ thinking ] You know what? [ he looks at them ] You know what?

Radley Cooper: What?

Paul Nevins: You’re right. You’re right, Radley.

Radley Cooper: Yeah!

Paul Nevins: You’re right, Ted. I’ve been a monster here tonight. The truth is… This hasn’t been my day… my week… my month… or even my year.

Radley Cooper: I’ll be there for ya’.

Ted Pelms: And I’ll be there for you, too, because… in the immortal words of the “Friends” theme song: [ singing ] “Keep smiling…”

Radley Cooper: “Keep shining…”

Paul Nevins: “Knowing you can always count on me…”

Emcee: That’s not the “Friends” theme, guys.

Radley Cooper: It’s not?

Together: “That’s what friends are forrrrrrr!!!”

Emcee: That’s Dionne Warwick.

Together: “In good times…”

[ the other winners appear onstage ]

Everyone: “In bad times,
I’ll be on your side forevermorrrrre!!
That’s what friends are forrrrr!!!!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 19


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


May 4th, 2013

Zach Galifianakis

Of Monsters and Men

None

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau

Bradley Cooper

Ed Helms

Jon Hamm

None

None

Fox & FriendsSummary: Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) joke around with an oversized Big Gulp container while interviewing New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Michael Bloomberg.

Montage

Zach Galifianakis’s MonologueSummary: Zach Galifiankis tells jokes, plays piano, then tries out a new character.

Transcript

Game of Game of ThronesSummary: Nerdy “Game of Thrones” fan Duncan (Zach Galifianakis) is flustered when his quiz questions all revolve around real-world phenomena.

Match.comSummary: Not only can you can find love and romance on Match.com, but you might even find it with Martha Stewart (Kate McKinnon)!

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Jennifer Aniston Look-Alike CompetitionSummary: Seventh-place contestant Paul Nevins (Zach Galifianakis) is miffed that he didn’t take the crown because he’s convinced he looks the most like Jennifer Aniston.

Transcript

Of Monsters and Men perform “Little Talks”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on President Obama’s push for tighter gun control laws. Tech expert Randall Meeks (Fred Armisen) has nothing but high praise for the awkward usability of Google Glass. The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party (Cecily Strong) outlines her summer vacation plans.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party.

M&M StoreSummary: After his first day on the job, Racist Jim (Zach Galifianakis) apologizes to all the co-workers he offended.

Transcript

Darrell’s HouseSummary: Darrell Sparks (Zach Galifiankis) attempts to welcoem Jon Hamm into his home, despite their differing schedules and frequent production cuts.

Transcript

Of Monsters and Men perform “Mountain Sound”

Michael Jordan’s WeddingSummary: Leslie (Zach Galifianakis) and Lee Ocean (Jason Sudeikis) emcee Michael Jordan’s star-studded wedding party

Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley.

New BalanceSummary:

Darrell’s HouseSummary: After applying hastily-assembled edits, it’s like Darrell Sparks (Zach Galifianakis) actually welcomed Jon Hamm into his home.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

KanishSummary: A retro presentation of a short-lived TV series that suffered from poorly-time freeze frames.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17

12r: Vince Vaughn / Miguel

Roundball Rock

Executive…..Kate McKinnon
Reggie…..Kenan Thompson
Mr. Lavender…..Vince Vaughn
Secretary…..Aidy Bryant
John Tesh…..Jason Sudeikis
Dave Tesh…..Tim Robinson

[ open on NBC Sports Office, 1990 ]

Executive: And then on Sunday, we’ve got the BUlls and the Trailblazers — it’s Jordan vs. Drexler.

Reggie: Ohhhh!

Mr. Lavender: Oh. that’ll be a GREAT match-up — two world-class athletes.

[ extended beat, as everyone waits for the Secretary to enter ]

Secretary: Uh… excuse me, Mr. Lavender. John Tesh is here.

Mr. Lavender: Oh, great! Send him in!

Secretary: Okay! [ she exits ]

Mr. Lavender: You guys know Tesh. This guy is AMAZING! You know, he wrote the theme to “Entertainment Tonight”.

John Tesh: [ entering ] KNOCK-KNOCK! Hello!

Mr. Lavender: There he is — Mr. Entertainment Tonight!

John Tesh: [ laughing ] How you guts doing? Hello, everyone! This is my brother right here — Dave Tesh!

Dave Tesh: Pleasure! Pleasure!

Mr. Lavender: I did not know that you had a brother!

John Tesh: Oh, yeah, I know. He’s not just my brother, he’s also the GENIUS in the family!

Dave Tesh: Meanwhile, I’m blushing!

[ the two Teshes laugh ]

Mr. Lavender: Well, John, when my boss told me that we need a new theme song for “The NBA On NBC”, I knew what time it was: Tesh-Thirty!

[ they all laugh ]

John Tesh: That’s very good! Okay, well, let’s see what we’ve got for you. We’ve written a song that we like to call “Roundball Rock”. Now, it started as one of David’s poems here, but then it just grew into something bigger than both of us could ever imagine. It’s me on keys… and Dave singing.

Mr. Lavender: Can you believe this is our job? Alright, fire away!

John Tesh: Alright, ready to do this?

Dave Tesh: Uh, yes, I am!

John Tesh: Alright!! 2, 3, 4! [ he bangs on the keyboard ]

Dave Tesh: [ singing ]
“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!
Gimme gimme, gimme the ball!
Because I’m gonna… DUNK IT!!”

John Tesh: WHOO!!

[ they high-five ]

Dave Tesh: [ singing ]
“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!
Gimme gimme, gimme the ball!
Because I’m gonna… DUNK IT!!”

John Tesh: YEAH!!

[ they high-five ]

Dave Tesh: [ singing ]
“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!
Gimme gimme, gimme the ball!
Because I’m gonna… DUNK IT!!”

John Tesh: DO IT!!

[ they high-five ]

Dave Tesh: [ singing ]
“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball….!”

Mr. Lavender: Hold on, guys! Please stop!!

John Tesh: WHOO!! Alright, now THAT’S how you do it, baby!

Dave Tesh: That was JUST getting hot!

John Tesh: You are in SUCH good voice today, Buddy!

Dave Tesh: Thank you, Brother!

Mr. Lavender: Wow! I mean, that was great guys, but… You know what? I was wondering: Could we hear it again, but… you know, with the lyrics separated out?

John Tesh: Huh? Really?

Dave Tesh: Uh… okayyyy…

John Tesh: That’s weird! Uh — are you okay with that?

Dave Tesh: If… you are… I guess…?

John Tesh: Uh… yeah! Sure, we can do that. Alright, here we go. Uh… [ he clear his throat ] Alright — 2, 3, 4!

Dave Tesh: [ singing ]”Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!Gimme gimme, gimme the…”

[ the executives stop him ]

Executive: I’m sorry! [ she laughs ] I think we weren’t clear. We actually meant, could we hear it with just the music?

John Tesh: Oh. Uh… I defer to you, I…

Dave Tesh: Uh… my gut is “Nooooo.”

Mr. Lavender: I understand. You’re an artist, and I get that. But I think we’re just curious what it would sound like… without the lyrics.

John Tesh: [ stunned ] Okay. Okay, fine. I mean, it… it feels crazy… but, uhhh… sure, alright. 2, 3, 4! [ he half-heartedly runs his hands along the keyboard as the music plays ] I don’t know… it has no pop.

Dave Tesh: [ singing ]”Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!!”

Mr. Lavender: STOP!! Please! Please! Dave! I couldn’t help but notice that the singing came back in there!

Dave Tesh: I’m sorry, it just seems incomplete!

John Tesh: It is! It is! I mean, it’s a lyrics-first song! I mean, what’s the problem?

Executive: Well, the lyrics are a little repetitive.

Dave Tesh: Uhhh… basketball’s a little repetitive!

Reggie: I-I… I feel like we just prefer the song better without the lyrics.

Dave Tesh: Uhhh… okay! [ he scoffs ] Okay, but without the lyrics, how will people know it’s about basketball?

Executive: Well, we’ll be playing it over clips of basketball.

John Tesh: That’s not an answer.

Dave Tesh: What about… blind people?

John Tesh: Exactly!

Dave Tesh: They’re gonna be, like: [ waving his hands ] “Well, what the heck is this song about…?”

John Tesh: Come on! Our music is for ALL people!

Mr. Lavender: Okay, look… Teshes. I get it. I love your guys’ spirit. But here’s the situation: If we can buy the instrumental version, it’s a deal. If there are lyrics… it’s no deal.

[ Dave sighs heavily ]

John Tesh: Wow…

Dave Tesh: Wowwwwwww!!

John Tesh: Wow! Okay. Alright. Well, uh… You know what, then? NO DEAL!!

Dave Tesh: I cannot believe this!

John Tesh: YOU ARE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE!! YOU GUYS STINK!! And this network is a DUMP! Hey, you know what?! In fact, I say we make it look MORE like a dump!! [ he grabs a vase and shatters it ] How about THAT?!! What do you think, Dave?

Dave Tesh: I am one step ahead of you, Brother! [ he whips out a tiny hammer ]

John Tesh: Mmm-hmm! HAMMER TIME!!

[ they use their tiny hammers to shatter vases and glass-framed photos around the office, as the executives watch with stunned horror ]

Dave Tesh: [ smashing Mr. Lavender’s coffee mug ] Yeah!! Thatta boy, Johnny!! Thatta boy!!

[ cut to John Tesh gleefully dousing a can of gasoline over his keyboard ]

Mr. Lavender: What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

Reggie: [ into it now ] That’s right!! Burn it down, Teshes!!

Mr. Lavender: No, Reggie!! Don’t encourage them!! Teshes, STOP!!

Dave Tesh: Johnny!! Johnny!! [ he swats the lighter out of John’s hand ] Snap out of it, boy!! [ he slaps him in the face ] Get with me!! Get with me!!

John Tesh: Oh, my God…!! What have we done?! We did it again…!

Dave Tesh: Yeah!

John Tesh: Ohhhhh, no!

Dave Tesh: Look — We did NOT want this to GO this way!

Mr. Lavender: Then why did you bring little hammers and a can of gasoline?

John Tesh: Because we thought it might go this way… Yeah.

Dave Tesh: You know what?

John Tesh: What?

Dave Tesh: You take this one alone, Johnny.

John Tesh: But what about you?

Dave Tesh: Don’t you worry about ME!! [ John plays a soft ballad on the keyboard ] This isn’t the last you’re gonna hear of ol’ Dave Tesh! Besides — I’ve got the BEST brother in the world!

John Tesh: [ he breathes deeply ] I love you, Dave!

Dave Tesh: And I love you, Brother!

[ they hug ]

Reggie: [ smiling ] Now, that’s what I call… a SLAM DUNK!

[ Reggie holds a thumbs-up, as “Roundball Rock” blasts and Mr. Lavender waves his hand in front of his face ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts