Christina Aguilera: (singing) “Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face You told me how proud you were but I walked away If only I knew what I know today.
I would hold you in my arms I would take the pain away Thank you for all you’ve done Forgive all your mistakes There’s nothing I wouldn’t do To hear your voice again Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won’t be there.
I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do And I’ve hurt myself by hurting you Some days I feel broke inside but I won’t admit Sometimes I just want to hide ’cause it’s you I miss You know it’s so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this.
Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand? Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am? There’s nothing I wouldn’t do To have just one more chance To look into your eyes and see you looking back.
I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do And I’ve hurt myself If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that I’ve missed you since you’ve been away.
Oh, it’s dangerous It’s so out of line to try to turn back time.
I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do And I’ve hurt myself
By hurting you.”
(applause as we FADE OUT to bumper and commercial)
Alec Baldwin: Ladies and gentleman, Christina Aguilera.
Christina Aguilera: (singing) “I could feel it from the start, Couldn’t stand to be apart. Something ’bout you caught my eye, Something moved me deep inside! I don’t know what you did boy but you had it And Ive been hooked ever since. I told my mother, my brother, my sister and my friends I told the others, my lovers, both past and present tense. That everytime I see you everything starts making sense.
Do your thang honey!
Ain’t no other man, can stand up next to you Ain’t no other man on the planet does what you do (What you do). You’re the kinda guy, a girl finds in a blue moon. You got soul, you got class. You got style, you bad ass – oh yeah! Ain’t no other man its true – alright – Ain’t no other man but you.
Never thought I’d be alright. No, no, no! Till you came and changed my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah! What was cloudy now is clear! Yeah, yeah! You’re the light that I needed. You got what I want boy, and I want it! So keep on givin’ it up!
Tell your mother, your brother, your sister, and your friends. And the others, your lovers, better not be present tense. Cause I want everyone to know that you are mine and no one else’s!
Ain’t no other man, can stand up next to you Ain’t no other man on the planet does what you do (What you do). You’re the kinda guy, a girl finds in a blue moon. You got soul, you got class. You got style, you bad ass – oh yeah! Ain’t no other man it’s true – alright – Ain’t no other man but you.
Break it down now!
Ain’t no other, ain’t, ain’t no other! (other) Ain’t no other, ain’t, ain’t no other LOVER! Ain’t no other, I, I, I need no other! Ain’t no other man but you!
Ohhhh!
You are there when I’m a mess Talk me down from every ledge Give me strength, boy you’re the best You’re the only one who’s ever passed every test.
Ain’t no other man, can stand up next to you Ain’t no other man on the planet does what you do (what you do). You’re the kinda guy, a girl finds in a blue moon. You got soul, you got class. You got style with ya bad ass – oh yeah! Ain’t no other man it’s true – alright – Ain’t no other man but you.
And now I’m tellin you son, ain’t no other man but you
Ain’t no other man, can stand up next to you Ain’t no other man on the planet does what you do (what you do). You’re the kinda guy, a girl finds in a blue moon. (baby, baby, baby) You got soul, you got class. You got style ya bad ass – oh yeah! Ain’t no other man it’s true – alright – Ain’t no other man but you.”
(applause as we FADE OUT to bumper and commercial)
…..Maya Rudolph …..Alec Baldwin Doorman…..Bill Hader …..Steve Martin Waiter…..Martin Short ……Paul McCartney
[ open on Alec Baldwin and Maya Rudolph entering an exclusive lounge ]
Maya Rudolph: You know, Alec, I’m not supposed to be in the Platinum Lounge – you have to have hosted twelve times.
Alec Baldwin: Oh, don’t worry about it. Tonight, you’re with me, and I always take good care of my friends.
Maya Rudolph: I know. I’m just nervous.
Doorman: Sorry, Mr. Baldwin – there’s no working cast allowed in the Platinum Lounge.
Alec Baldwin: I’m sorry, Maya – I did what I could.
[ Doorman shows Maya out, as Alec enters further into the lounge, past Steve Martin sitting at a table with a attractive blonde ]
Steve Martin: [ spots Alec ] Oh, Alec! Alec? [ audience cheers ] Hey, Alec! Alec, over here! [ Alec steps over, as Steve returns his focus to the blonde ] Uh – thank you, Mrs. Ferguson, for helping me review my financial hedge fund papers. [ she exits, as Steve turns to Alec ] Hey, how are you? Let me, uh – let me buy you a drink! Huh?
Alec Baldwin: Oh, I’d love one – thanks.
Steve Martin: [ looks offscreen ] Hey – two Scotches, please!
Alec Baldwin: So, Steve, uh – what are you doing here?
Steve Martin: Are you kidding? I’m here to see you, man! [ Alec chuckles ] That’s great, you’re hosting, it’s fantastic —
[ a beaming Martin Short arrives at the table to deliver the two Scotches – the audience cheers as Alec and Steve look on with great surprise before Martin Short exits ]
Steve Martin: That’s sad. [ the audience laughs ] Well – a toast, to you hosting the show yet again.
Alec Baldwin: And.. to me hosting as many times as you.
Steve Martin: [ holds his head back and laughs ] You’re tying my hosting record toni — You know, I didn’t know that! [ Alec chuckles ] Are you tying my hosting record? That’s so great! [ glances past Alec ] Oh, my God – look! There’s Paul Simon! That’s fantastic!
Alec Baldwin: [ places his drink on the table, turns his head ] Where?
Steve Martin: [ pours a packet of poison into Alec’s Scotch ] Oh, you know what? I was wrong. That’s a coat rack.
Alec Baldwin: Of course. Hey, by the way – what time is it right now?
Steve Martin: Oh. What time is it? I have it right here – it’s, uh — [ Steve turns his body to glance at his watch in better lighting, as the music stings and Alec causally switches the drinks ] right at midnight. [ returns to the table ] Well – shall we drink? [ grabs his glass ]
Alec Baldwin: Oh, fantastic.
Steve Martin: [ points past Alec ] Hey, you know what? Look over there – it’s Tom Hanks.
Alec Baldwin: [ turns his head ] Where?
Steve Martin: [ music sting, as he switches the glasses ] My mistake – that was Paul Simon. [ holds up his glass ] So – let’s have a little drink.
Alec Baldwin: Why not?
[ they clink their glasses and slowly move them towards their lips, eyeing one another suspiciously ]
Alec Baldwin: [ lowers his glass ] You know what? We should have a proper toast – with champagne!
Steve Martin: [ laughs nervously ] Oh, are you kidding? This is is perfect — the perfect drink! [ nudges Alec’s glass toward his lips ] Let’s just go, let’s go, let’s go!
Alec Baldwin: Ohhhh, nonsense! [ glances offscreen ] Two glasses of champagne, Waiter!
Steve Martin: Cham-pagne. [ twiddles nervously ] By the way, I loved you in “The Departed.”
Alec Baldwin: When did you see it?
Steve Martin: I haven’t.
[ Martin Short returns with the two glasses of champagne, as the audience cheers ]
Martin Short: Champagne! [ collects the two previous glasses and steps away ]
Steve Martin: Still sad.
Alec Baldwin: [ raises his glass ] Ah, here we go. Champagne!
Steve Martin: [ raises his glass ] Champagne! The champagne of beverages! [ chuckles ] Hey! You know what’s amazing?! [ points past Alec ] You can see my apartment from that window!
Alec Baldwin: Really? where?
Steve Martin: Yea-ah! Just go.. take a look!
[ violins screech as Alec turns to gaze out the window, and Steve pours extra poison into his glass; the poison causes Alec’s champagne to effervesce quickly and spill onto the table ]
Alec Baldwin: I don’t see it, Steve.
Steve Martin: You know what? I was wro– oh, wait! Yeah! You can see! I-I – I’m on the 27th floor, so just – you know – just – ah, count it up a little bit, just – yeah, that’s fine — [ Steve frantically attempts to sop up the overflowing champagne with a napkin as alec strains to look out the window ] Don’t worry about it!
Alec Baldwin: Okay. 1, 2 —
Steve Martin: Count from the bottom!
Alec Baldwin: — 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 — Hey, Steve, uh — [ turns around, as Steve quickly jumps in front of the table and arches his back to conceal the mess on the table ] Is there a 13th floor?
Steve Martin: No!
Alec Baldwin: Oh – okay. [ returns to the window and continues counting ] 12 — [ counts quickly, as Steve wipes the rest of the spilled champagne and hurls the wet napkin across the room ] 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 —
Steve Martin: Hey, you know what? I was wrong! I forgot – I live in L.A.!
Alec Baldwin: Oh.
Steve Martin: [ raises his glass ] So. Here we go.
Alec Baldwin: Hey, wait. [ glances past Steve ] Isn’t that John Goodman?
Steve Martin: [ with great annoyance ] NO.
[ Alec quickly punches Steve in the face and drops him to the floor ]
Alec Baldwin: Hey! [ kicks Steve repeatedly ] I.. was in.. Schweddy.. Balls!
[ the audience cheers this nostalgic recollection ]
Alec Baldwin: And I tied your record! Thirteen shows! So — [ mimicking Steve’s routine of yore ] excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse ME!!
[ Steve climbs to his feet and spits out a tooth ]
Steve Martin: Wait a minute – did you say you hosted thirteen times? I hosted fourteen times.
Alec Baldwin: [ flabbergasted ] Fourteen? Wait – let’s see: [ recounts Steve’s hostings out loud ] October 23rd, 1976, February 26th, 1977, September 24th, 1977, three times in 1978 — [ tallies up the rest in his head ] Oh, my God, you’re right! Wow! Fourteen times? I’m sorry about thiat, Steve!
Steve Martin: No, no – I apologize! I mean, I tried to kill you, and that’s so wrong today!
[ Martin Short re-enters, tugging Paul McCartney along with him ]
Martin Short: Mr. Baldwin, you’re wanted in the studio.
[ the audience screams and cheers the unexpected sight of Paul McCartney; even Alec wasn’t aware that McCartney would enter this sketch, and stares open-mouthed at the former Beatles/Wings frontman before covering his face; McCartney taps Alec’s shoulder as the audience cheering dies down ]
Steve Martin: It is – it is Paul Simon!
Martin Short: It’s close enough!
Alec Baldwin: I gotta run! Hey – [ to Steve ] Great to see you, Champ!
Steve Martin: You gotta run?
Alec Baldwin: [ shakes McCartney’s hand before he exits the Platinum Lounge ] You, too!
Martin Short: Okay, then! [ alone with Steve Martin and Paul McCartney ] Well! So, here we are!
Steve Martin: Again!
Paul McCartney: Yeah!
Martin Short: Just the three of us!
Steve Martin: Yeah. Though – can you get our car, so I can talk to Paul?
…..Maya Rudolph …..Alec Baldwin Doorman…..Bill Hader …..Steve Martin Waiter…..Martin Short ……Paul McCartney
[ open on Alec Baldwin and Maya Rudolph entering an exclusive lounge ]
Maya Rudolph: You know, Alec, I’m not supposed to be in the Platinum Lounge – you have to have hosted twelve times.
Alec Baldwin: Oh, don’t worry about it. Tonight, you’re with me, and I always take good care of my friends.
Maya Rudolph: I know. I’m just nervous.
Doorman: Sorry, Mr. Baldwin – there’s no working cast allowed in the Platinum Lounge.
Alec Baldwin: I’m sorry, Maya – I did what I could.
[ Doorman shows Maya out, as Alec enters further into the lounge, past Steve Martin sitting at a table with a attractive blonde ]
Steve Martin: [ spots Alec ] Oh, Alec! Alec? [ audience cheers ] Hey, Alec! Alec, over here! [ Alec steps over, as Steve returns his focus to the blonde ] Uh – thank you, Mrs. Ferguson, for helping me review my financial hedge fund papers. [ she exits, as Steve turns to Alec ] Hey, how are you? Let me, uh – let me buy you a drink! Huh?
Alec Baldwin: Oh, I’d love one – thanks.
Steve Martin: [ looks offscreen ] Hey – two Scotches, please!
Alec Baldwin: So, Steve, uh – what are you doing here?
Steve Martin: Are you kidding? I’m here to see you, man! [ Alec chuckles ] That’s great, you’re hosting, it’s fantastic —
[ a beaming Martin Short arrives at the table to deliver the two Scotches – the audience cheers as Alec and Steve look on with great surprise before Martin Short exits ]
Steve Martin: That’s sad. [ the audience laughs ] Well – a toast, to you hosting the show yet again.
Alec Baldwin: And.. to me hosting as many times as you.
Steve Martin: [ holds his head back and laughs ] You’re tying my hosting record toni — You know, I didn’t know that! [ Alec chuckles ] Are you tying my hosting record? That’s so great! [ glances past Alec ] Oh, my God – look! There’s Paul Simon! That’s fantastic!
Alec Baldwin: [ places his drink on the table, turns his head ] Where?
Steve Martin: [ pours a packet of poison into Alec’s Scotch ] Oh, you know what? I was wrong. That’s a coat rack.
Alec Baldwin: Of course. Hey, by the way – what time is it right now?
Steve Martin: Oh. What time is it? I have it right here – it’s, uh — [ Steve turns his body to glance at his watch in better lighting, as the music stings and Alec causally switches the drinks ] right at midnight. [ returns to the table ] Well – shall we drink? [ grabs his glass ]
Alec Baldwin: Oh, fantastic.
Steve Martin: [ points past Alec ] Hey, you know what? Look over there – it’s Tom Hanks.
Alec Baldwin: [ turns his head ] Where?
Steve Martin: [ music sting, as he switches the glasses ] My mistake – that was Paul Simon. [ holds up his glass ] So – let’s have a little drink.
Alec Baldwin: Why not?
[ they clink their glasses and slowly move them towards their lips, eyeing one another suspiciously ]
Alec Baldwin: [ lowers his glass ] You know what? We should have a proper toast – with champagne!
Steve Martin: [ laughs nervously ] Oh, are you kidding? This is is perfect — the perfect drink! [ nudges Alec’s glass toward his lips ] Let’s just go, let’s go, let’s go!
Alec Baldwin: Ohhhh, nonsense! [ glances offscreen ] Two glasses of champagne, Waiter!
Steve Martin: Cham-pagne. [ twiddles nervously ] By the way, I loved you in “The Departed.”
Alec Baldwin: When did you see it?
Steve Martin: I haven’t.
[ Martin Short returns with the two glasses of champagne, as the audience cheers ]
Martin Short: Champagne! [ collects the two previous glasses and steps away ]
Steve Martin: Still sad.
Alec Baldwin: [ raises his glass ] Ah, here we go. Champagne!
Steve Martin: [ raises his glass ] Champagne! The champagne of beverages! [ chuckles ] Hey! You know what’s amazing?! [ points past Alec ] You can see my apartment from that window!
Alec Baldwin: Really? where?
Steve Martin: Yea-ah! Just go.. take a look!
[ violins screech as Alec turns to gaze out the window, and Steve pours extra poison into his glass; the poison causes Alec’s champagne to effervesce quickly and spill onto the table ]
Alec Baldwin: I don’t see it, Steve.
Steve Martin: You know what? I was wro– oh, wait! Yeah! You can see! I-I – I’m on the 27th floor, so just – you know – just – ah, count it up a little bit, just – yeah, that’s fine — [ Steve frantically attempts to sop up the overflowing champagne with a napkin as alec strains to look out the window ] Don’t worry about it!
Alec Baldwin: Okay. 1, 2 —
Steve Martin: Count from the bottom!
Alec Baldwin: — 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 — Hey, Steve, uh — [ turns around, as Steve quickly jumps in front of the table and arches his back to conceal the mess on the table ] Is there a 13th floor?
Steve Martin: No!
Alec Baldwin: Oh – okay. [ returns to the window and continues counting ] 12 — [ counts quickly, as Steve wipes the rest of the spilled champagne and hurls the wet napkin across the room ] 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 —
Steve Martin: Hey, you know what? I was wrong! I forgot – I live in L.A.!
Alec Baldwin: Oh.
Steve Martin: [ raises his glass ] So. Here we go.
Alec Baldwin: Hey, wait. [ glances past Steve ] Isn’t that John Goodman?
Steve Martin: [ with great annoyance ] NO.
[ Alec quickly punches Steve in the face and drops him to the floor ]
Alec Baldwin: Hey! [ kicks Steve repeatedly ] I.. was in.. Schweddy.. Balls!
[ the audience cheers this nostalgic recollection ]
Alec Baldwin: And I tied your record! Thirteen shows! So — [ mimicking Steve’s routine of yore ] excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse ME!!
[ Steve climbs to his feet and spits out a tooth ]
Steve Martin: Wait a minute – did you say you hosted thirteen times? I hosted fourteen times.
Alec Baldwin: [ flabbergasted ] Fourteen? Wait – let’s see: [ recounts Steve’s hostings out loud ] October 23rd, 1976, February 26th, 1977, September 24th, 1977, three times in 1978 — [ tallies up the rest in his head ] Oh, my God, you’re right! Wow! Fourteen times? I’m sorry about thiat, Steve!
Steve Martin: No, no – I apologize! I mean, I tried to kill you, and that’s so wrong today!
[ Martin Short re-enters, tugging Paul McCartney along with him ]
Martin Short: Mr. Baldwin, you’re wanted in the studio.
[ the audience screams and cheers the unexpected sight of Paul McCartney; even Alec wasn’t aware that McCartney would enter this sketch, and stares open-mouthed at the former Beatles/Wings frontman before covering his face; McCartney taps Alec’s shoulder as the audience cheering dies down ]
Steve Martin: It is – it is Paul Simon!
Martin Short: It’s close enough!
Alec Baldwin: I gotta run! Hey – [ to Steve ] Great to see you, Champ!
Steve Martin: You gotta run?
Alec Baldwin: [ shakes McCartney’s hand before he exits the Platinum Lounge ] You, too!
Martin Short: Okay, then! [ alone with Steve Martin and Paul McCartney ] Well! So, here we are!
Steve Martin: Again!
Paul McCartney: Yeah!
Martin Short: Just the three of us!
Steve Martin: Yeah. Though – can you get our car, so I can talk to Paul?
Don Pardo: And now, a moment with The Out-of-Breath Jogger from 1992.
[FADE to the jogger in front of a slide of a road in a park. He wears a yellow tank-top jersey, black and red shorts, and an “X” cap on backwards.]
Jogger: [panting] Uhhhh! Ohhhh… Uhhhh! Ohhhh… The Space Shuttle Endeavor is the coolest, huh? HOOOOOOOO!!! Ohhh… uhhh. Did you see “Home Alone 2” yet? He’s “Lost in New York,” it’s nuts! Ohhh… uhhh… Spin Doctors! Ohhh… uhhh… George Bush totally barfed on that Japanese dude! [laughter] The George Bush who’s president NOW… in 1982 [sic]. Oh, I’m so out of breath… ohhhh… uhhh… ohhhhh… Crystal Pepsi!
[CUT back to title caption.]
Don Pardo: This has been a moment with The Out-of-Breath Jogger from 1992.
Alec Baldwin: Thanks to Christina Aguilera! Tina Fey! Tracy Morgan! Martin Short! Steve Martin! Paul McCartney! And Tony Bennett! [ looks genuinely touched that all those people showed up just for him ]
Morning Drive Written by: Kristen Wiig and Jim Cashman
Driver…..Kristen Wiig Passenger…..Alec Baldwin
[FADE IN on a shot looking into a car through the windshield. A woman is behind a wheel, with a man in a business suit in the passenger seat.]
Driver: Y’ know, in some places, the prices are still almost three dollars a gallon, it’s crazy.
Passenger: Well, carpooling was definitely a good idea. At least now I don’t feel like I’m losing money going to work.
[both chuckle]
Driver: I know–plus having someone else in the car makes the drive go faster.
Passenger: Yeah, this is a nice car.
Driver: Thank you.
[awkward pause]
Driver: Oh, so it looked like you were having some words with your neighbor back there.
Passenger: I’m sorry?
Driver: Oh, when I drove up, he was ranting and raving–that must be fun, living next to a crazy old man. [snickers]
Passenger: [stiffly] That’s my dad. He actually lives with us.
Driver: Oh. I’m sorry.
Passenger: He’s not quite right anymore. He had wandered into the neighbor’s yard, I was trying to get him back to the house to, uh… put some clothes on him.
Driver: I’m sorry, that must be really hard.
Passenger: [softly] It is. Especially on the kids. So where do you guys live?
Driver: Oh, no, no, it’s just me, I’m by myself, I have an apartment.
Passenger: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were married.
Driver: I am. He ran away.
Passenger: Oh.
Driver: It’s okay, um, he left a note. Um… it was nice… But, uh, he can’t live with me anymore. But it’s okay.
Passenger: So what happened to those bonuses we were supposed to get this summer?
Driver: [laughing] Oh, yeah, those bonuses. Honestly, I don’t even think they exist, y’know? It’s like, it’s a big myth. It’s like Bigfoot.
[pause]
Passenger: I believe in Bigfoot.
[laughter]
Passenger: I’ve seen him twice, so he’s real.
Driver: [nervously] I didn’t mean to offend you.
Passenger: It’s all right, you weren’t there.
Driver: [after a pause] Do you want to listen to some music or something?
Passenger: [quickly] Sure, that’d be great.
[She turns on the stereo. “Where Does My Heart Beat Now?” by Celine Dion starts playing.]
Passenger: Ugh, Celine Dion. Anything but that, I cannot stand her. You mind if we change the station?
Driver: It’s a CD.
[laughter]
Passenger: Sorry. Do you mind if we put in a different CD?
Driver: They’re all Celine.
Passenger: Big fan, huh?
Driver: [turns off music] When I was 17, I was kidnapped and taken to Peru. After four months, I managed to escape, but couldn’t get back to the U.S. I begged for money to buy a piece of paper and a pencil so I could write a letter. I wrote that letter to Celine Dion to come and rescue me, and she did.
[laughter and applause]
Driver: [tightly] She’s an amazing person. She’s an amazing person.
Passenger: I’m sorry, I should have known.
[laughter]
Driver: It’s okay, I’m, I’m just sensitive about it, y’know, she’s always been there for me, y’know–she’s, she’s my rock.
Passenger: [incredulous] Your rock?
Driver: Yeah… what?
Passenger: It’s just that last summer my dentist and I were rock climbing, and he fell into a crevasse where he got his foot stuck. The coyotes were circling, so I did what I had to do, and I chewed his foot off with my teeth.
[laughter]
Passenger: So you should be a little more careful with the words you throw around.
Driver: [growing angry] What words I throw around.
Passenger: Yeah.
Driver: [in a brittle voice] Someone threw a box full of dictionaries out of a fourth-story window, crushing everything below my waist. No one came to help me for so long, I started reading one of the dictionaries and got halfway through “C”–so I think I know a little something about people throwing words around.
Passenger: I’m sorry, that must’ve been awful for you.
Driver: I’m metal from the waist down.
[Her passenger glances over to her and then looks down at her legs.]
Passenger: I’m sorry.
Driver: Y’know, it’s fine. You know what they say: “Don’t worry, be happy.”
Passenger: Bobby McFerrin raped my grandmother.
[He presses his fist to his mouth in anguish for a long moment as they drive on over cheers and applause.]
Driver: Let’s just, uh, let’s just listen to the radio.
[She switches the stereo back on, only to hear “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” coming from the speakers. The passenger covers his eyes with his hand while the song continues for a few seconds. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]
Rick Corman….Alec Baldwin Bossa Nova Male Singer….Fred Armisen Bossa Nova Female Singer….Maya Rudolph Girl at the bar….Kristen Wiig Guy with date at table….Andy Samberg Blondie at table….Amy Poehler
[Opens with an exotic bar, two bossa nova singersentertain the crowd. Female singer shakes some sort oftambourine, male singer plays that guitar. Suave,middle age Rick Corwin struts to the bar. He has grayhead of hair and gray moustache. Dashing impeccablewhite suit]
Rick Corman: Ah, music. The language of “amore”. Thatmoves me. Hi, I’m Rick Corvin. First time in Brazil?He, he, he.[the girl is uncomfortable]I came here 20years ago and never left. I don’t know how to put thisbut your body is….what’s the word? “Slammin'” Oh,turns out I did know what word. Do you model? Well,you should. Cause in my mind you’re modeling for meright now. Click! I just took a picture in my mind andguess what? You’re topless. And bottomless.[Girl hasenough. Gets ready to throw her drink in his face, heholds up his palms]It’s a white suit!
[puts the drink down, slaps him in the face]
[Bossa nova singers keep playing “da da da de de”]
Rick Corman: [joins couple at their table]Hi, I’m RickCorvin. Rio via Des Moines I.A. God, I love this song.Do you know what they’re singing about? Neither doI.[loud whistle is heard, Alec looks and continues,Maya and Fred stifle laughs] I like to imagine isabout jiggling boobies.[the girl leaves the table]Isthat your lady? Nice going, my friend. I’m not sayingI want to get it on with your girlfriend but someonewho looks exactly like your girlfriend. And I meanexactly. Are you bi?
[guy throws the drink in Rick face and suit]
[Bossa Nova singers continue”da da da de de”. Rickjoins blondie at her table]
Rick Corman: You know, when I hear this music it’simpossible not to think of 2 souls connecting. Hi, I’mRick Corvin. I’m from room 112. You know what part ofa woman I like best? And I’m not kidding about this.The vagina. No, no…[The blondie throws a bowl ofchips and salsa all over Rick’s white suit. Rick joinsthe Bossa Nova singers on stage with his now stainedsuit and shakes a maraca next to the female singer]
Female Singer: How did the crowd work go, Rick?
Rick Corman: A lot of beautiful people out there tonight.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Guest Writers:
November 11th, 2006 Alec Baldwin Christina Aguilera None Tina Fey Tracy Morgan Steve Martin Martin Short Paul McCartney Tony Bennett Jim Cashman A Message from the Speaker-Elect of the U.S. House of RepresentativesSummary: Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi’s (Kristen Wiig) speech on the virtues of the Democratic Party are interrupted by an S&M-clad aide (Will Forte) and his friend, the human ash tray (Fred Armisen), enter her office. Recurring Characters: Nancy Pelosi. Transcript
Montage
Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: To plug his soaring value at NBC, Alec Baldwin brings out “30 Rock” co-stars Tina Fey and Tracy Morgan. First Hosted: 89r.
E-Z Date.comSummary: Entrepreneuer Cal Brandeis (Jason Sudeikis) acts as virtual pimp for a new dating service that will discreetly deliver a “date” to your door within minutes of registering online. Note: This commercial parody finally makes it to air after being cut from several episodes this season.
Britney’s DivorceSummary: Britney Spears (Amy Poehler) discusses divorce proceedings with her lawyer (Jason Sudeikis). Recurring Characters: Britney Spears.
Saddam’s Defense TeamSummary: Saddam Hussein (Alec Baldwin) berates his lawyers (Bill Hader, Fred Armisen) after being sentenced to death by hanging. Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein. Transcript
ValtrexSummary: Husband (Alec Baldwin) convinces his wife (Amy Poehler) that genital herpes can lie dormant for years before exposing itself. Transcript
Morning DriveSummary: Coworkers (Kristin Wiig, Alec Baldwin) form a carpool to save money on their commute to work, but keep offending one another while making idle chit chat during their morning drive. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: Hot dog-eating champion “Kobayashi!” stars as a superhero in a live-action/anime kids program in a cartoon by Rob Smigel.
Platinum LoungeSummary: In between sketches, Alec Baldwin stops for a drink at Studio 8-H’s exclusive Platinum Lounge for 12-time hosts, where he continues his rivalry with 14-time host Steve Martin. Transcript
Christina Aguilera performs “Ain’t No Other Man”First Performed: 99p. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers conducts an exclusive interview with Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond), as a disgruntled mover (Kenan Thompson) packs the departing secretary’s office. Amy Poehler reveals that she uses Good-and-Plentys as birth control pills. Amy Poehler’s dizzy aunt Linda (Kristen Wiig) reviews recent holiday movies. Waiter Derek Landerton (Andy Samberg) incorrectly totals up the $10,000 bill from Tom Cruise’s recent dinner with Katie Holmes. Recurring Characters: Donald Rumsfeld.
The Tony Bennett ShowSummary: Tony Bennett’s (Alec Baldwin) special guest, Bob Dylan, couldn’t make it, but neither is Kevin Federline (Andy Samberg) going to stick around. Instead, Tony welcomes doppleganger Anthony Dominick Benedetto (Tony Bennett) for a duet. Recurring Characters: Tony Bennett. Bio: Tony Bennett (1926-). Singer; real name: Anthony Dominick Benedetto; crooner of pop tune standards since the early 1950’s; charted hits include: “Rags to Riches” (1953), “I Left My Heart in San Francisco” (1962); slowly hit rock bottom during the 1970’s, when his musical style waned in popularity; later made a huge comeback by playing to younger audiences, including an appearance on “MTV Unplugged” in 1994; awarded the Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award in 2001. Transcript
Brazilian BarSummary: Rick Corman (Alec Baldwin) hits on women as bossa nova singers (Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen) perform. Transcript
A Moment with the Out-of-Breath Jogger from 1992Summary: In 1992, an exhausted jogger (Andy Samberg) continues to spout the era’s cliched jargon while panting breathlessly. Transcript
Tony Bennett & Christina Aguilera perform “Steppin’ Out With My Baby”Lyrics
… Amy Poehler … Seth Meyers Tim Calhoun … Will Forte Same Sex Man 1 … Fred Armisen Same Sex Man 2… Bill Hader
Announcer: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers!
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:
The White House announced, this week, that President Bush will no longer use the phrase, “Stay the course” when speaking about the Iraq War. Preferring, instead, to use the phrase, “Think outside the bun!”
President Bush signed a bill, Thursday, authorizing 700 miles of new fencing along the U.S./Mexico border. Which will be great until our frisbee ends up over there.
U.S. officials said, on Tuesday, that Iraqi leaders agreed to develop a time table by the end of the year for progress stablizing Iraq. So there you have it. There’s now a time table for establishing a time table. Welcome home, boys!
Seth Meyers: Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said it is great that Senator Barrack Obama is thinking about also running, adding “I think it’s great that anybody thinks about doing what they want to do in the future. It’s great. Great, great, great! So frickin’ great! Aw, I’m so screwed!
Many say that London has replaced New York city as the world’s undisputed financial capital. Hear that terrorists? The world’s undisputed financial capital is London!
Amy Poehler: We are just about a week away from what is the most anticipated mid-term elections in years. Here, to discuss his campaign, is Senator Tim Calhoun.
[Tim Calhoun wheels over, looking scared, and starts talking by his note cards, with no emotion]
Tim Calhoun: I am Tim Calhoun, and I am running for Senator of America. I am perfect to represent America, because like America, I am heavily in debt, I am about 10 percent gay, and I have a really bad gas problem. I have touched many pages in my life, because I am a veracious reader, of child pornography studies. Illustrated studies. Everyone wants to know if Kim Jong Il has a nuclear bomb. Am I the only one who wants to know if he has a twin sister that looks exactly like him? Because lookswise, that’s my type. Here are proposals: I propose a harsh 20-strike law for criminals. After 20 strikes, the criminals only get 3 more strikes. But, after 3 strikes, that’s it. One more strike. I’m glad Pluto is now a dwarf planet. It’s about time we had a planet to send those little bee holes to. I propose that we make Jupiter a Mexico planet. In conclusion, and in summary, my name is Tim Calhoun, and I do not approve this message.
Amy Poehler: Tim Calhoun, everyone!
Seth Meyers: A new study shows that the Freshman 15 weight gain is actually closer to 5 to 7 pounds, as kids are now much better at getting super-fat in grade school.
Seattle’s new tour slogan is “Welcome to Metronatural”, which replaces their old slogan, “Drummer wanted”.
Amy Poehler: A referendum to widen the Panama canal was approved Sunday, though voters are skeptical about the government’s plan to widen the canal using an enormous speculum. Said the cheif engineer, “Okay, Panama Canal, just lie back, relax, put your feet up. You’re gonna feel something cold, and a little bit of pressure, and… I’m in. So, are you having a nice fall?
Federal agents broke up a Colorado drug reign, this week, that shipped methanfedamine hidden inside an Elmo doll. Police were informed when someone tried to tickle Elmo, and he shot them 36 times.
Seth Meyers: The current issue of NewScientist magazine reports that researchers have identified a rare medical condition, where sufferers unknowingly demand or actually have sex while asleep.
[Amy Poehler rides over to him snoring]
Seth Meyers: Oh, boy.
[Seth gets a blowhorn out and ignites it]
Amy Poehler: Oh! Wow! Sorry! Sorry! Was it good for you, did I blow your mind? Excellent.
Seth Meyers: It was reported that Shaquille O’Neal was present last month during a botched child pornography raid, while working as reserved sherriff’s deputy in Virginia. Police now believe the purps had been tipped off by the famous 7-foot-2 black dude selling stupid jokes in a bush.
Amy Poehler: The winner of New York’s annual Vendy award, which honors the best food cart in the city, was Sammy’s Halaul in Queens, while the last place finisher once again was Mario’s under-cooked chicken sticks in the Holland tunnel.
Seth Meyers: The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled, Wednesday, that gay-lesbian partners deserve the same rights as married couples. Here to comment, a same-sex couple from Jersey.
[The same-sex couple scoots over]
Same Sex Man #1: Oh!
Same Sex Man #2: Oh!
Same Sex Man #1: Hello, Seth and Amy!
Both: Oh!
Seth Meyers: So, how exactly does this ruling effect you two personally?
Same Sex Man #1: Basically, it means should anything happen to me, this beautiful son of a bitch, over here, will be entitled to my benefits. Which should keep in in track suits and change him well into his golden years!
Same Sex Man #2: And vica versa! Oh!
Same Sex Man #1: Oh!
Both: Oh!
Seth Meyers: Now, critics are saying that the courts may have over-stepped by legalizing gay marriage.
Same Sex Man #2: First off, it’s a civil union, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be one hell of a wedding!
Same Sex Man #1: Do Chang Cobanna Mesh Tuxedo!
Same Sex Man #2: Oh!
Same Sex Man #1: Como down sculpture ice!
Same Sex Man #2: Oh!
Same Sex Man #1: A selection of fine Italian meat!
Both: Oh!
Amy Poehler: So, um, how did you guys meet?
Same Sex Man #1: Well, it goes like this. One day, I saw Vinnie, over here, pounding some Jomoc in the face! I thought “I wish that was my face!” I wish those fists were tiny little kisses.
[both look at each other passionately]
Same Sex Man #1: Oh.
Same Sex Man #2: Oh.
Same Sex Man #1: Oh.
Seth Meyers: Oh, you know what? Um, you guys have a Guys? Guys? Any final words?
Same Sex Man #1: Just this: Gay people, I know you’re afraid, but it’s time to commit!
Same Sex Man #2: To move to New Jersey!
Both: Ohhhh!!!
Seth Meyers: The same-sex couple from New Jersey! Great Job!
Amy Poehler: Very nice!
It was reported that according to the birth certificate filed Tuesday, Britney Spear’s new born, is a boy named Jayden James Federline, as in “Jayden James Federline, you have the right to remain silent!”
Seth Meyers: This week, New Jersey’s gay marriage ruling was celebrated across the country, including St. Louis… Oh. [Super reveals the catcher and pitcher of the St. Louis Baseball team hugging]
Seth Meyers: According to it’s developer, the Bionic Dolphin, a new vehicle that can take passengers beneath the water, revolve 360 degrees, and stand upright, like a dolphin, may be released as early as next year. It’s the perfect gift for anyone who has ever dreamed of drowning to death inside of a mechical dolphin.
Seth Meyers: From Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler!
Both: Goodnight!
[both of them take out cigars and put them in their mouths, as the music starts up and fades]
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