Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Lesbian Cruise Ship

Arizona…..Amy Poehler
Captain Ronald Huggins…..Ludacris
1st Woman at Table…..Kristen Wiig
2nd Woman at Table…..Maya Rudolph

[FADE IN on stock footage of a cruise ship at sea. FADE to the lounge, which is full of women dancing and flirting. A large banner reads “Olivia Cruise Lines Welcomes You.” PAN across the lounge to the platform, where a woman walks out in a black vest and tan shorts with a butch haircut.]

Arizona: [in a deep voice] Hey-hey-heyyyyyyyyyyyyy, you fabulous women! On behalf of everyone at Olivia Cruise Lines, we’d like to welcome you to your best vacation yet. Who’s ready to party?

Women: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Arizona: All right, we do want to mention that this is a cruise for lesbians, and if you are on the boat by mistake, don’t worry, we don’t bite–except for that one gal in the front row. [points] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… On your first night, there’s some great entertainment comin’ your way. Indigo Girls will be performing by the west pool.

[women cheer in approval]

Arizona: And after dinner, enjoy a cocktail at Club Scissorbang. First, I want you to all meet our very own leader of the seas, Captain Ronald Huggins.

[She opens the door to admit Captain Huggins onto the steps. He swaggers out, dressed to the teeth, and leers at the women as they applaud politely.]

Captain Huggins: Hello, ladies. Helloooo, ladies. I just want to assure you all that your safety is my utmost priority, all right? If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to call on me. All right? Night or day: here I am, ready to go.

Arizona: Everyone enjoy yourselves!

[The ladies return to mingling.]

Arizona: Thank, thank you, uh, so much, Captain Huggins.

[Ignoring her, he points and grins to a lady in the lounge.]

Captain Huggins: [to Arizona] Oh, oh, please, call me Ronnie, just call me Ronnie.

Arizona: It’s really great you’re so supportive of other lifestyles. Other captains we’ve interviewed for our cruises just weren’t as enthusiastic as you.

Captain Huggins: [pointing and grinning into crowd] What, are you kidding me? I love it. It used to be, the only place you could see lesbians was on pay-per-view! Y’know what I mean?

Arizona: Right. Well. Okay. I will, uh, let you get back to your captain duties.

Captain Huggins: Oh, there’s not a whole lot of wind going on, I’m just gonna mingle for a little while, if that’s cool with you.

Arizona: Okay. [turns to leave]

Captain Huggins: Ha, ha. Whooooo!

[Starting down the stairs, he deliberately takes off his captain’s hat and coolly tosses it onto the platform. He steps to the nearest table, where two women are calmly sipping their drinks. Captain Huggins squeezes her shoulder.]

1st Woman: Oh! Hi, Captain.

Captain Huggins: How is… everything?

1st Woman: It’s great.

Captain Huggins: How ’bout your friend over there, huh?

2nd Woman: Oh, I’m her partner. It’s our, uh, fifth anniversary.

Captain Huggins: Good for you. Two ladies being lesbian together for five years! Holy diddly-pie.

[laughter]

2nd Woman: Well. Nice meeting you.

Captain Huggins: Nice meeting you, too. Just pretend I’m not here. Be yourselves. Go ahead and be gay ladies together.

2nd Woman: [stiffly] Thanks.

Captain Huggins: No. No, no, no. Thank you.

1st Woman: Take care.

Captain Huggins: No, you take care… of each other. The way gay ladies do, you know.

[A dance track suddenly starts playing. As women begin to dance, the captain joins in, doing some slow, cheesy moves through the crowd. He stops at a table and picks up a flute of champagne.]

Captain Huggins: I’d like to propose a toast. [raises glass in air]

1st Woman: Um, is he… is he supposed to be drinking?

Captain Huggins: To this day… a ship full of beautiful ladies in their pool skimpies… and me. Ladies who like to be with other ladies.

2nd Woman: Is there a point to this?

Captain Huggins: Kissin’, talkin’, kanuzzlin’, snorkelin’ together in their underdrawers… all manner of gay type stuff.

[laughter]

Arizona: [coming out of crowd] Uh, Captain Huggins? Can I talk to you for a second?

Captain Huggins: Uh, yes, Arizona?

[She takes him aside as the audience murmurs with laughter.]

Arizona: You don’t think that somethin’s gonna happen between you and someone here, do you?

Captain Huggins: [scoffs] Oh, that’s crazy talk. [to crowd] Somebody here get this lady a strait-like-it [sic]… please, just get her a straitjacket, right now!

Arizona: ‘Cause it’s not gonna happen.

Captain Huggins: I know.

Arizona: Do you?

Captain Huggins: Yes.

Arizona: Good.

Captain Huggins: Although I do wonder if maybe some of them are curious about the penis. More specifically, my penis.

Arizona: No.

Captain Huggins: Or shy, maybe afraid to ask, you know, regarding their distant memory of intercourse.

Arizona: No.

Captain Huggins: Or perhaps they like to be with ladies first, y’know, like an appetizer, and then they just–

Arizona: Yeah, no.

Captain Huggins: [frustrated] Well, that’s what happens in “Lickety Splits 3,” man!

Arizona: That’s a porno.

Captain Huggins: I thought it was a documentary about y’all’s lifestyle! Please, forgive me, forgive me.

Woman’s Voice: [over loudspeaker] Hey, ladies: the Water Olympics is about to start at the east pool!

[The ladies coo in anticipation and start to make their way over. Captain Huggins picks up a camcorder off a nearby table.]

Captain Huggins: Ha-ha! I’ll be videotaping the whole event! And even though it’s shallow… diving is allowed. [pause] If you catch my frisbee, so get it up, girls!

[The captain holds up his hands and begins to back into the crowd. A woman grabs him around the waist and starts dragging him toward the edge of the deck.]

Captain Huggins: Get it up! Hey! Hey, what’re you doin’?

[Another woman lifts up his legs, and together they toss him overboard.]

Captain Huggins: [falling] I love me some lesbiaaaaaaaaaaaans…

[Audience applauds as a loud splash is heard. The women high-five each other and return to the crowd. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

An NBC Special Report

President George W. Bush…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on “NBC Special Report” graphic ]

Announcer: This is an NBC Special Report.

[ dissolve to SNL graphic ]

“Saturday Night Live”, normally seen at this time, will be delayed so that we may bring you this special address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to Presidential seal ]

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush seated in Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening. [ audience cheers excitedly ] As you are probably aware, last Tuesday, I flew to Southeast Asia, for a meeting of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation forum, a group comprised of nearly all the economic powers in that region, including, among others, China, Japan, South Korea, Indonesia, Singapore, Vietnam, and Australia. I had planned to return to Washington later this week, but decided to cut my trip short, in order to share with you two developments of major significance to all Americans.

First, I’m pleased to report that this meeting has led to dramatic progress towards the resolution of a variety of contentious issues, in such areas as trade, environmental protection, and national security.

Second, and this, I truly regret to say, we are now at war with vietnam. [ audience laughs ] The former was the end result of more than two years of painstaking negotiations among our partners in the region. THe lattter.. was just.. I don’t know, something that just sort of came up this afternoon! [ laughs ] And, to be honest, I think it might have been my fault! I do, I really do! The last thing I wanted from this trip was to get us involved another war in Vietnam! In fact, during the entire day-and-a-half I was in Hanoi, I kept saying to myself: “Do not get us into another war in Vietnam, do NOT get us into another war in Vietnam!” And, sure enough, look what happens! [ laughs ] Everything I was trying to avoid! [ laughs, shrugs ] I should have seen that coming!

Anyway, that’s all water under the bridge. To try to figure out exactly how we came to be at war again in Vietnam is pointless. The fact is, we’re at war. And there’s nothing we can do about it now. Of course, on the plus side, this will definitely lead to a withdrawal of troops from Iraq. [ audience cheers ] I mean, I think it would. Because, without a doubt, we’re gonna need every available soldier for vietnam. and then some. On the other hand, this war is gonna be long and difficult. For one thing, unlike the first Vietnam war, this time, we’ll be fighting both North and South Vietnam. Second, I plan to do this while actually cutting taxes. Which is probably impossible, but I at least want to try it. Third, and let’s be honest, we are seriously overextended. [ chuckles ] We are. Fourth, and most important, I have absolutely no strategy for how to fight and win this war! None, whatsoever. And, truth be told, I don’t know when I’m gonna have time to work on one! I mean, I don’t! For now, we have no alternative, but just see this thing through. “Cut and run” is not an option. We must stay the course.. otherwise.. this could be another vietnam.

Thank you, and “Live, from New York, it is Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

The Blizzard Man

Woman…..Maya Rudolph
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Ludacris
Engineer…..Kenan Thompson
Blizzard Man…..Andy Samberg

[FADE IN on the exterior of Superhits Studios. FADE inside to the recording studio, where Ludacris and two others stand behind the engineer.]

Woman: Luda? Uh, the album is hot, but I still feel like we’re missing that club-banger to kick things off with.

Man: Yeah, we’re feeling track 5, but we still think it needs a stronger hook.

Woman: Yeah.

Ludacris: You know what, I agree, but not to worry. I made some calls, and I got just the man for the job.

Woman: Oh, really, who’d you get?

Ludacris: Well, it’s this crazy R&B cat that I know, man, he calls himself: the Blizzard Man.

Engineer: Oh, the Blizzard Man!

Ludacris: Oh, yeah.

Engineer: I thought he was just a made-up legend, like the Loch Ness Monster.

Ludacris: Oh, no, man, he’s real. I heard him at this underground club, and when I tell you he’s amazin’, I mean, he is amazing. I told him to come by today to lay somethin’ down.

Man: Wow. Sounds great.

Ludacris: Oh, yeah.

[door buzzer goes off]

Ludacris: See? That must be him right there. Hold on.

[He walks to the door and opens it up.]

Ludacris: Blizz! Ha-ha!

[Enter Blizzard Man, a white guy with blow-dry hair in a black and tan jacket. They exchange a hip-hop handshake.]

Ludacris: What’s goin’ on, brother?

Blizzard Man: How are ya?

Ludacris: All right, everybody, this is Blizzard Man.

Woman: [politely] Hi, there.

Ludacris: That’s right, you ready to do this, man?

Blizzard Man: [softly] Yeah, most definitely.

Ludacris: Let’s get it done! C’mon.

[Ludacris ushers Blizzard Man into the recording booth. The others look at each other quizzically.]

Engineer: Wow! So that’s him, huh?

Ludacris: Yeah. I know what you’re thinkin’… but I gotta tell y’all, I do not judge a book by its cover, my man can blow, he’s like the next Nate Dog. Straight up.

Man: [chuckles] Now you’re talkin’ my language, Luda!

: Exactly.

[laughter]

Ludacris: [bends over toward microphone] All right, Blizz, now check this out, man. We gonna just let the beat ride, and you see what you feel. Now, you do whatever you wanna do, all right?

Blizzard Man: All right, cool, cool.

[A hip-hop track starts playing as Blizzard Man cups his hands over his headphones and starts rocking to the beat.]

Blizzard Man: Yeah. Yo, yo, yo, I’m ’bout to set it, yo. [to engineer] Turn on the headphones?

[Grudgingly, the engineer turns them on.]

Blizzard Man: C’mon. Check my style out.

[As the beat keeps going, Blizzard Man launches full-tilt into his rap, off-key and out of sync.]

Blizzard Man: Rap song, rap song,
We do our raps and then the crowd goes wild!
And then it’s time for the “after” party,
And we hang out and do lots of sex with girls! Yo.

[The engineer cuts the track off and stares straight ahead in consternation.]

Ludacris: [in approval] Hear. That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout, man.

[cheers and applause]

Ludacris: Hell, yeah. Hear.

[laughter]

Engineer: Man, what was that?!

Ludacris: I know, right, my man, he’s a straight genius, right off the bat! That’s like one take, dog.

Engineer: No, no.

Ludacris: One take!

Engineer: No, no. That was terrible!

Woman: Yeah. That was absolutely horrible.

Man: That was really bad.

Ludacris: What’re y’all talkin about, that was off the chain, man, single material right there. Y’know what I’m sayin’? But anyway, my man’s just gettin’ warmed up. Trust me, check this out, you will believe in just a minute. [into microphone] Hey! Yo, Blizz, let’s do it again, baby!

Blizzard Man: All right.

Ludacris: All right.

[track resumes]

Blizzard Man: Yo. Here we go.
History in the making!
Blizzard Man.
Ludacris.
Check my style out.
Doin’ raps and goin’ to parties,
That’s basically what we’re all about!
We’re super-famous, so the ladies let us hump them,
And also we drink expensive champagne!
Yo, where’s my money at?

[cheers and applause]

Ludacris: WHOOO!! Whooo, hoo-hoo! Hear! That’s what I’m doin’, man. Hear!

Engineer: [pounds fist] NO!

Ludacris: What’re you doing, man? Why’d you cut the music off? He was just killin’ there!

Woman: Are you serious?

Man: Yeah. He sounds like my grandfather.

Ludacris: Well, then your… [laughter] Your grandfather must have been Marvin Gaye mixed with a little Stevie Wonder, ’cause my man is changing the straight game, man! Look at him!

[CUT to Blizzard Man gazing slack-jawed into space for several seconds.]

Ludacris: You just gotta let him get loose, man. Watch: I’m gonna do it one more time, and trust me, you will see a hit. Watch this right here. [into microphone] Blizz? One more time. Just let it flow, all right?

Blizzard Man: All right.

Ludacris: Come on, Blizzy B.

[track resumes]

Blizzard Man: Yo. Off the tone.
Put your tape decks on “Record”!
Ludacris.
Blizzard Man.
Nineteen ninety-five.

[CUT to the others outside the booth.]

Woman: 1995?

Blizzard Man: Yo, then it happened.
Another club-banger!
Check my style out.

[pause]

Blizzard Man: We rap all the time.
Oh, we are so good at rapping!
Who wants to mess with us?
You’ll totally get shot with a gun!

[CUT to the engineer and producers listening more intently.]

Blizzard Man: Don’t you be a jerk.
It’s bad for the party, and the ladies get scared!
Here, you smoke this doobie!
Let’s all cool out and get in the hot tub!

[CUT to Ludacris busting a move and pumping his fist in time to the beat.]

Blizzard Man: What a fancy shindig,
There are some real bodacious babes!
They see our soggy trunks!
And they shake their boobies, and my thingie gets excited!
Boo-boo-boodily boo-boo-boo,
Doodily-doop-de-doop-de-doo doo…

[CUT to the others while Blizzard Man keeps scatting.]

Ludacris: WHOOOOOOO!!

Man: You know what? This actually might work.

Woman: Yeah.

Ludacris: Aha! I told ya, that’s what I’m talking about, I said sign him, right? I said sign him. High-five.

Woman: High-five!

[They all slap hands.]

Ludacris: That’s what I’m talking about. Yo! Yeah, baby! Hear!

[FADE to a “Billboard” chart which reads, “LEAST BOUGHT ALBUMS.” Coming in at #1 is “Ludacris F/The Blizzard Man,” with “Rap Song.” Other entries include “Miracle ‘Gro” with “Slacks ‘n’ Pants,” “Joe and Margie” with “Fart Parade,” and “Bing Bong Brothers” with “Wait (You Guys).” HOLD on the chart for several seconds, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Booty Bidness

…..Ludacris

[ open on Ludacris dressed in a fancy business suit, standing in front of a sign that reads “Booty Bidness” ]

Ludacris: Hi. This is your man Luda. Some of y’all know me as an MC – some of y’all know me as an actor. But, first and foremost, I’m what they call a “bidness man.” And I been thinkin’ a lot about the state of women’s apparel lately.

[ cut to images of a group of women dancing in a club, all of them wearing shirts with ludicrous messages like “Diva”, “Flirt”, and “Naughty Girl” written across the front ]

Ludacris V/O: I see you ladies out in da club, lookin’ fine, expressin’ yourself with your sexy t-shirts on.

[ cut back to Ludacris ]

Ludacris V/O: But when you in the office, you gotta keep it under wraps. Well, not any more! That’s why I created Booty Bidness Workwear.

[ cut to businesswoman walking through the office, flanked by male co-workers ]

Ludacris V/O: For women who demand attention all day long.

[ she turns corner to reveal that her business suit has “Nympho” written across the front ]

Ludacris V/O: Booty Bidness Workwear is for the woman who knows that being the boss doesn’t mean you gotta stop being fine!

[ show second businesswoman giving a presentation while wearing a t-shirt with “Porn Star” written across the front ]

Ludacris V/O: As a working lady, you know it’s hard to stand out.

[ show third businesswoman rubbing a male co-worker’s shoulder. Her business suit reads “Bi-Curious.” She turns to adjust a female oc-worker’s collar, then makes her exit. ]

Ludacris V/O: So make them sit up and take notice, and get the right kind of attention.

[ cut back to Ludacris ]

Ludacris: You have extra gifts – why not remind people of that?

[ show close-up of women wearing dress shirt with “They’re Real” written across the front ]

Ludacris V/O: Empower yourself!

[ cut to businesswoman sitting on tabletop, revealing “Tasty” printed across the bottom of her skirt ]

Ludacris V/O: Be strong!

[ show two businesswomen on cell phones running into each other in an outdoor crowd; both have messages printed on their business suits ]

Ludacris V/O: Independent!

[ cut back to Ludacris ]

Ludacris: Be naaaasty! Booty Bidness Workwear. For when you want to work.. your bidness! [ stares into the camera ]

Announcer: Available at JCPenney.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 18th, 2006

Ludacris

Ludacris

None

Mary J. Blige
An NBC Special ReportSummary: “Saturday Night Live” will be delayed tonight, so that NBC can present a special message from President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis), who announces to America that he accidentally started up another war during his visit to Vietnam this past week.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Transcript

MontageNote: Don Pardo creates his own unique pronunciation for Ludacris’ name.

Ludacris’ MonologueSummary: Ludacris differentiates the times he identifies himself as Ludacris versus using his real name, until he’s interrupted by childhood friend Rick “Rickdiculous” Barnes (Kenan Thompson).

First Performed: 04j.

Transcript

Young Douglas: Hypin’ the ClassicsSummary: Rapper Young Douglas (Ludacris) provides backing tracks on classic hits by Harry Connick, Jr. (Jason Sudeikis) and other contemporary artists.

Recurring Characters: Harry Connick, Jr., Barbra Streisand, Dolly Parton, Louis Armstrong.

Transcript

Dr. Archibald BitchslapSummary: Samantha Hawkins (Maya Rudolph) and Dr. Archibald Bitchslap (Ludacris) show troubled couples how to save their marriage.

Transcript

The O’Reilly FactorSummary: Bill O’Reilly (Darrell Hammond) plans to boycott Def Jam Records for signing Ludacris to their label.

Recurring Characters: Bill O’Reilly.

Booty BidnessSummary: Ludacris promotes a new line of club clothing that businesswomen can wear at the office.

Transcript

The Blizzard ManSummary: In order to boost a track on his album, Ludacris hires white-boy rapper Blizzard Man (Andy Samberg) to work his magic at the recording studio.

Transcript

Ludacris performs “Shake Your Moneymaker”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: John Mark Karr (Bill Hader) takes offense to O.J. Simpson’s book because he’s the real killer. Bobby Knight (Jason Sudeikis) yells at Seth Meyers for making an obvious Spider-Man joke. Teen magazine editor Anoosa Rosenfeld (Maya Rudolph) applauds anorexia and eats her lip gloss.

Recurring Characters: John Mark Karr, Bobby Knight.

Note: Maya Rudolph’s “Anoosa Rosenfeld” character is based on Seventeen Magazine’s editor-in-chief, Atoosa Rubenstein.

Transcript

PoolwatchSummary: Pimped-out lifeguard (Ludacris) must carefully remove his bling and expensive designer clothing before he feels comfortable diving in the pool to rescue a woman from drowning.

Hair TransplantSummary: Shady hair transplant practictioner, Dr. Schultz (Ludacris), tries to make a quick exit from his medical trailer after releasing a patient (Will Forte) who has the Elton John-style hair that he envies.

Lesbian Cruise ShipSummary: Captain Ronald Huggins (Ludacris) is sure that steering a ship filled with vacationing lesbians will play out the same way it does in his porn video collection.

Transcript

Ludacris with Mary J. Blige performs “Runaway”Mary J. Blige First Performed: 92o.

Lyrics

Old FriendsSummary: Two old friends (Ludacris, Darrell Hammond) sit at the lunch counter and complain about how hectic today’s modern conveniences make their lives.

Note: Darrell Hammond’s fake moustache comes loose, prompting an ad-lib from Ludacris.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

TurkeysSummary: A group of turkeys (Ludacris, Andy Samberg, Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph, Jason Sudeikis) outrun bullets before Thanksgiving.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg stars in a series of movie trailers.

Hip Hop Hoodunit

Country ThanksgivingSummary: A new CD of country holiday hits.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Valtrex

Husband…..Alec Baldwin
Wife…..Amy Poehler

[ open on married couple sitting together on the couch in their living room ]

Wife: When my gynecologist told me I had genital herpes, I was confused. We’d been married for over twelve years, and had always tested negative for STDs.

Husband: But then I read about a recent scientific study. It said some forms of genital herpes remain dormant in women for ten or fifteen years – but, oftentimes, the virus went undetected in tests.

Wife: That would explain a lot. It made little sense to me that two married people without any history of genital herpes, could then suddenly be infected.

Husband: But then I explained it, that that was the end of it, and there was no need to talk about it any more. [ smiles ]

Wife: Our doctor told us about Valtrex, which lowers the chance of passing the virus during sex. At first, I didn’t think it mattered, because we both already had the virus and neither one of us was planning to go outside the marriage for sex.

Husband: So true! Here’s where you really just need to trust your doctor, and to not get all “caught up” in the logic. Even if you don’t have multiple partners —

Wife: Like us!

Husband: — it’s a good idea to use Valtrex.

Wife: Because..?

Husband: Because it’s important. That’s why. [ wraps his arm around her ] There’s really no need to overthink it. Is there?

Wife: [ smiles confusedly ]

[ cut to overhead shot of product superimposed over scene of husband and wife in their living room ]

Announcer: Ask your husband if you need Valtrex. He may know more than your doctor. Doctors don’t know everything.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

The Tony Bennett Show

Tony Bennett…..Alec Baldwin
Kevin Federline…..Andy Samberg
Anthony Benedetto…..Tony Bennett

[ open on show logo over show set ]

Announcer: It’s “The Tony Bennett Show!”

[ logo fades ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Tony Bennett!

[ Tony Bennett runs onto the stage with a microphone as the audience applauds his arrival ]

Tony Bennett: Hello, everybody, hello! You know, I’ve sung for kings and queens, and one thing’s for sure – I love things that are great!

[ singing ]
“I love things that are great
Good things are fantastic.
Guess what, we’ve got a date
Just a tlak show, nothing drastic.
But one thing’s for sure
I love things that are greeeeeeeeat!
Yeah!”

[ the audience cheers ]

Tony Bennett: Thank you so much, everybody! We’ve got a real blue-ribbon kind of a show today – some great, great, great, great stuff. Later on, we’re gonna hear a couple of terrific numbers from Puddle of Mudd!! One of the great rock bands out there today. But, first up, I’d like you to meet a terrific guy. This guy’s new on the rap scene, and he’s here to fill us in. Please welcome – Kevin Federline!

[ the audience cheers, as a smug Kevin Federline joins Tony on the set ]

Tony Bennett: Welcome, Kevin. So, how you doing?

Kevin Federline: Oh, you know – I’m doing the dew, you know – makin’ sure what stays in Vegas!

Tony Bennett: Yeah. [ smiles ] But, Kevin – you have no education, no discernable skills, you have a skimpy beard growth. and, yet, you landed yourself a twenty-five year-old millionaire sexpot. Now, let me ask you a question: How’d you screw that up?! Why?

[ Kevin attempts to speak, but is too dumbstruck to respond ]

Tony Bennett: [ now finished with the interview ] Kevin Federline, everybody! Thanks so very much!

[ the music plays Kevin off the stage – actually, a guard pulls him off the stage ]

Tony Bennett: Yeah! One of the great, great, great, great, young dee-vor-cees out there today. [ a beat ] We were supposed to have a very special guest today – Mr. Bob Dylan. But it turns out there was ONE heckuva mix-up with the car service that was picking him up. According to this, uh, manifest I have here in my pocket — [ retrieves piece of paper from his jacket pocket ] they were supposed to pick up Bob Dylan on the Upper East side, but, instead, they picked up a Mr. Robert Dillon on 96th and RIVERSIDE!! Don’t get me wrong – he’s a nice fellow, works in the locksmith trade – but he’s not the LEGEND we ordered up! I found a lasy-minute fill-in – though – this – this cat is – he’s a trip, man. This entertainer and impressionist has been shadowing my gigs for many, many years. He’ll be opening for LANCE BURTON, Thanksgiving weekend at MOHICAN SUN!! Please welcome a great, great guy, from Astoria, Queens – Mr. Anthony Benedetto!!

[ the audience erupts into extended applause as the real Tony Bennett (using his birth name) joins Tony Bennett onstage ]

Tony Bennett: [ as they sit on the couch ] Anthony — [ the audience resumes cheering as Alec and Tony stare and smile at one another, both men enjoying the enthusiasm from the audience ] Anthony, you look great. How you doing?

Anthony Benedetto: [ with a flourish of his hand ] Oh, I’m doing just great, I’m doing just great! [ the audience laughs ] You know, you’re a real PRINCE letting me on this show!

Tony Bennett: [ points his thumb at Anthony as he looks out at the audience ] This guy can wear the heck out of a suit, don’t you know!

Anthony Benedetto: You’re no slouch, either.

Tony Bennett: These are my fancy duds – I wore them for Bob Dylan. But I’m just as happy you dig ’em, too!

Anthony Benedetto: Good! They’re great, they’re really great — [ stumbling on his words ] that is great – great – great threads! Great threads!

Tony Bennett: I just want you all to know what a class act —

Anthony Benedetto: You got a great nose job.

Tony Bennett: Oh. Thank you very much! [ the audience cheers ] I apreciate that – I do!

Anthony Benedetto: [ laughs ]

Tony Bennett: Back in the late 70’s, I caught his show in Atlantic City, and I was surprised to find out he was copying my act, WORD FOR WORD! And song for song.

Anthony Benedetto: It was more of a tribute to you!

Tony Bennett: Anyway, I enjoyed the heck out of his performance, and then I sued to BEJEESUS out of him and sued him for everything he had! But he was such a first-rate human being, that we were able to bury the hatchet and.. MAKE LEMONS OUT OF — MAKE LEMONADE OUT OF LEMONS!! So – tell them what you did, Anthony.

Anthony Benedetto: I stayed in bed for two months.

Tony Bennett: No – after that.

Anthony Benedetto: Well, I slept in Grand Central Station.

Tony Bennett: No – way after that!

Anthony Benedetto: I retooled my act so it was more of a comedy parody – you know, Tony – you know, it – it’s 100% legal.

Tony Bennett: This guy does a send-up of my stuff that will.. HUFF AND PUFF, and BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN! Tell them who your stage name is! [ to the audience ] This is a doozy, folks!

Anthony Benedetto: My name is Phony Bennett!

[ the audience laughs along with Tony ]

Tony Bennett: Tell the folks some of those nuggets that you’re singing right now.

Anthony Benedetto: Oh, uh – let’s see: “Don’t Get Around Much Any More” – uh, uh, you know – “Someone Stole My Car.”

Tony Bennett: Great, great stuff!

Anthony Benedetto: “You Can’t Take That Away From Me – It’s Under Three Ounces.”

Tony Bennett: Priceless!

Anthony Benedetto: My biggest hit: “I Left My Heart in San Clan’s Disco.”

Tony Bennett: Oh! That water’s two halves of a hoot! Isn’t it crazy? We look alike, we sound alike, we even dress alike. I usually get my suits at Prioni – how about you, Anthony?

Anthony Benedetto: Men’s Wearhouse.

Tony Bennett: Anthony, hold that thought about Men’s Wearhouse, I gotta mention our sponsors – Lamicil tablets for nail fungus. [ pulls out product ] Hey, Anthony – hold that for me, would ya’? Right there? [ hands product to Anthony and looks past him to face the camera ] Thanks – you’re a pal! [ about to start his spiel, but Tony turns to look at the camera for a few beats; the audience laughs and cheers ] You know – nail fungus is no parade down Main Street. I once dated a lady who was 99% gorgeous, then I took her shoe-shopping. Her toenails looked like a lined-up row of BARBEQUED FRITOS!! There isn’t a pair of clippers out there that can tame those poker chips! Lamicil says, “Hey, nail fungus: don’t let the door hit ya’ where the Good Lord split ya’!” [ puts the product away and continues the interview ] Okay, Anthony! Where was I? Let’s talk about our plans for the holidays! I’m gonna be doing a midnight mass/concert outside the Vatican with PAVAROTTI and U2!! What are you cookin’?

Anthony Benedetto: I’m gonna have some, uh, Budweiser at my friend’s house – Ed’s house.

Tony Bennett: Oh! Parallel lives, I’m tellin’ ya’! I’m glad you could be here, it’s been a great, great, great, great week all about, what with the elections and the huge voter turnout – this is such a great country. What do you say, I think we OWE our fellow Americans a song. How do you feel about it?

Anthony Benedetto: That’s a GREAT idea!

Tony Bennett: Let’s go, you!

[ Tony grabs his microphone and stands, as Anthony is handed a microphone by an unseen stagehand; the audience cheers them on ]

Together: [ singing ]
“Oh beautiful, for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!”

[ Tony addresses the audience, as Anthony continues singing ]

Tony Bennett: I’d love to thank my guest – Bob Dylan, catch you on the flipity-jip! Robert Dillon – sorry, times ten! Raincheck on Puddle of Mudd! Lamicil tablets for nail fungus! Kevin Federline – watch where you drop your worm! And, Anthony Benedetto – maybe you can open up for me some time!

Anthony Benedetto: [ excited ] Really?!

Tony Bennett: Don’t hold your breath! Join me tomorrow, when I’ll be stuffing a turkey with Kim Zimmer of “The Guiding Light”!

[ Tony and Anthony hug, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

A Message from the Speaker-Elect of the U.S. House of Representatives

Rep. Nancy Pelosi…..Kristin Wiig
Dana…..Will Forte
“Filth”…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Seal of the speaker ]

Announcer: The following is a message from the Speaker-Elect of the U.S. House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi.

[ dissolve to Nancy Pelosi sitting stern and proper at the desk in her office ]

[ the audience applauds enthusiastically ]

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Good evening. I’m Nancy Pelosi. For the past nineteen years, I’ve been a member of Congress in the eighth District of California, proudly representing the citizens of San Francisco. AS of this January, hwever, I will, in a sense, represent all Americans, when I am sworn in as speaker of the House.

[ the audience cheers ]

Despite the efforts of this administration to frighten Americans about the Democratic Party, and its alleged [ makes quotes signs with her finger ] “San Francisco values”, last Tuesday you went to the polls in record numbers, and you sent this White house a message: that “stay the course in Iraq” is not a plan; that our health care system should serve ordinary citizens, not pharmaceutical companies; that so-called rough sex can be a necessary and fulfilling adjunct to a better sex life – partiularly when it involves fantasy role-play scenarios, such as kidnapping or forced interrogation, provided, of course, that both participants are willing and disease-free, and have agreed on what we call a “safe word” – for example: “Palomino”; that an increase in minimum wage is long overdue; and, finally, that U.S. citizens do not surrender their Constitutional rights, the moment they engage in multiple partner or group sex, provided, once again, that all participants are willing, at least twelve years of age, and no peanuts, or peanut products, are used.

We Americans have always been a religious people, a member of my staff tells me. And whatever you may have heard, the Democratic Party is not anti-religion. Whether you’re a Wiccan priestess, a Druid, tantric Buddhist, Servant of Moloch, Lord of Fire, Presbyterian, or a member of the Cult of Collie – your faith will be respected, so long as no animals are harmed during your ceremonies – except, of course, gerbils.

And when the new Democratic majority Congress convenes in January, it will truly be a Congress as diverse as the nation it serves. [ show photo of each individual as she names them ] Chairing the Judiciary Committee: John Conyers; at Ways and Means: Charles Rangel; at Homeland Secueity: Benny Thompson; at Government Reform: Ernesto Guevara, Jr.; and Agriculture: this naked hippie.. and his old lady; and Small Business: yet another black dude; and Finance: the drummer from Rage Against the Machine; and, at Intelligence: al-Qaeda number-two man, Ayman al-Zawahiri. Truly, a Congress that looks like America.

[ Nancy nervously looks offscreen, as a leather-clad S&M enthusiast enters ]

What is it?

Dana: Nancy, uh, you need to okay this. [ hands her a memo ]

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: [ to the audience ] Excuse me. [ turns to her aide ] Uh, Dana – I’m kind of in the middle of something.

Dana: I’ll come back.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: And, Dana, about your outfit – it’s alright now, but, as of Jauary, you might have to go with mroe of a business look for the office.

Dana: [ slightly embarrassed ] Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: No, no – it’s fine for now, but, you know, but after the transition —

Dana: Sure. No problem.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: [ glances offscreen ] Who’s your friend?

Dana: Oh, uh, this is my slave – his name is “Filth” —

[ an S&M bondage slave, with a chokehold covering his mouth, enters the scene ]

He’s, uh, a human ash tray.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Dana, this office is non-smoking.

Dana: Just pot.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Oh. Okay! [ extends her hand to “Filth” ] How do you do?

“Filth”: [ muffled ] It’s a real honor to meet you, Congresswoman. Congratulations on becoming House Speaker, that’s so great!

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Thank you, I appreciate that.

“Filth”: [ muffled ] You are great.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Thank you.

“Filth”: [ muffled ] You are great.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Dana, I’d better get back to this. [ points to the camera ]

Dana: Oh! Absolutely. Sure. [ drags “Filth” offscreen with him ]

[ Nancy returns her attention to the camera ]

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: With your votes last Tuesday, you have offered us your trust. I promise you, we will not betray it.

[ buzzsaw sound effects suddenly blare from offscreen, as Nancy holds a nervous pose in front of the camera ]

Dana’s Voice: Palomino! Palomino!

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: [ glances offscreen ] Palomino! [ to the camera ] Excuse me, I-I have to take care of something — [ rushes offscreen ] Palomino! He’s not breathing! [ runs back onto camera, with a panicked expression on her face ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” [ ducks back offscreen ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Saddam’s Defense Team

Saddam Hussein….Alec Baldwin
Lawyer 1….Bill Hader
Lawyer 2….Fred Armisen

[Opens with an outside shot of a jail]

Caption: Baghdad, Iraq. US Controlled Green Zone.

[Cut to inside a cell. Desk, 2 nervous lawyers behindit shuffling papers]

Lawyer 1: How do you think that Saddam’s mood will be?

Lawyer 2: He just got sentenced to death. How do youthink his mood will be?

Lawyer 1: Oh, boy.

[2 guards escort Saddam into the cell with hislawyers. Saddam sits in front of them.]

Saddam Hussein: First of all. Great job, you guys!You’re definitely gonna win lawyer of the year.

Lawyer 1:[nervous]Don’t worry, there are grounds for an appeal.

Saddam Hussein: When we appeal would it be possible toget one witness who have something nice to say aboutme?![slams hand on desk]I feel like a contestant onAmerican Idol and all the witnesses are Simon.

Lawyer 2: It’s very difficult to build a defense for you, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Really difficult, huh? Let me see if Ican do it. Here is one off the top of my dome. I have50 look-alikes. 50 guys that look just like me! Youcouldn’t put one on the scene, not one? Because that,you idiots, is reasonable doubt. Am I the only onehere that watches “Law and Order”? Boy, oh boy! IfO.J. had you two for a lawyer he wouldn’t be makinghis tee-off time right now. I can assure you of this.

Lawyer 1: I-I’m sorry, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Aaaahh, it’s not your fault, totally.I should’ve kept my cool in the courtroom. I mean, Iwas in there for like 200 days and I got expelled like160 times. I was getting kicked out of there more thanVinnie Barbarino got kicked out of Mr. Kotter’s class!

Lawyer 2:[confused]Mr. Kotter?

Lawyer 1:[humors Saddam, laughs]Kotter.

Saddam Hussein: Seriously, they are not gonna hang me,are they? I’m like the Sunni Abraham Lincoln. Thatwould start a 200 year blood feud.

Lawyer 1:[serious]They are really gonna hang you.

Lawyer 2: I do have some good news, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: They caught Osama! Please tell me they caught Osama.

Lawyer 2: They did not catch Osama.

Saddam Hussein: Oh, that is the burn of the century.Although, you gotta hand it to the guy, he hid in acountry filled with mountains and caves and me I hidin a me-sized hole. Point Osama.

Lawyer 2: I was going to say that Bush and therepublicans lost in the mid-term elections. So there we go…

Saddam Hussein: Oh, thank you. That will be a comforting thought when the rope snaps my neck and I soil myself.

Lawyer 2: I’m sorry, Saddam. I thought it will make you happy.

Saddam Hussein: I’m not even front page news anymore.”Borat” is getting more ink than me. He didn’t even kill anybody!!

Lawyer 1: We should start on your defense in the Kurds poison gas case.

Saddam Hussein: Hey, I was going to keep this on thedown low but spoiler alert, I did it!!!

Lawyer 1:[tentatively]He did kind of looked like you.

Lawyer 2:[agrees]Yes.

Saddam Hussein: Oh, man. I am old and tired and sad.Let’s talk about the Kurds next week.

Lawyer 2: Okay.

Saddam Hussein: And guys,[slams hand on desk, getsup]I don’t blame you. I put myself here. Although youshould know that I was a little ticked off after theverdict so I made some calls and if I were you Iwouldn’t start your cars for like a year.

[Lawyers have forced, nervous laughs. Saddam leaves,opens the jail gate, closes it and opens it again]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Tony Bennett & Christina Aguilera perform “Steppin’ Out With My Baby”

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Tony Bennett
…..Christina Aguilera

Alec Baldwin: Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Bennett and Christina Aguilera!

Tony Bennett and Christina Aguilera: (singing)
“Steppin’ out with my baby
Can’t go wrong ‘cause I’m in right
It’s for sure, not for maybe
That I’m all dressed up tonight.

Steppin’ out with my honey
Can’t be bad to feel so good
Never felt quite so sunny
And I keep knockin’ on wood.

There’ll be smooth sailin’ ‘cause I’m trimming my sails
In my top hat and my white tie and my tails.

Steppin’ out with my baby
Can’t go wrong ‘cause I’m in right
Ask me when will the day be
The big day may be tonight.”

(applause as we FADE OUT to bumper and commercial)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts