Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19

03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

TV Funhouse

[open on black and white image of marijuana leaf with title: “Pothead Theater”]

Announcer: Pothead Theater! [title is removed, and small images of clips from many different programs move from left to right across the screen] For centuries, man has designed cartoons with no regard for the inclinations of the pothead. Tonight, for the first time, TV Funhouse allows potheads to determine the cartoons they want to enjoy on Pothead Theater!

[dissolve Pothead #1, wearing a yellow shirt that reads, “Farmer’s Daugheter Motel,” in a large paved area with people in the background]

Pothead #1: I’d like to see a dog walking people.

[dissolve to animation: a dog stands upright and escorts a leashed man and woman walking on all fours]

[pleasant music plays]

[music stops]

[dissolve to Pothead #1, who is laughing hysterically]

[dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

Announcer: Pothead Theater!

[dissolve to Pothead #2, sitting by a tree and with a guitar next to him]

Pothead #2: How about a fish catching people? [flashes hippie love sign]

[dissolve to animation: a green fish sits on a pier with a fishing pole, and lifts it up to reveal a man hooked by his mouth]

[pleasant music plays]

[music stops]

[dissolve to Pothead #2, who chuckles and flashes love sign again]

[dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

Announcer: Pothead Theater!

[dissolve to Pothead #3, sitting in a field]

Pothead #3: Have ketchup shaking people out of a bottle.

[dissolve to animation: a large blob of ketchup smacks the bottom of a ketchup bottle filled with people, until several plop out onto a plate]

[pleasant music plays]

[music stops]

[dissolve to Pothead #3, who is laughing hysterically]

[dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

Announcer: Pothead Theater!

[dissolve to Pothead #4, wearing a black shirt that reads, “Don’t Steal,” and Pothead #5, wearing a grey shirt that reads, “Almost Famous,” standing near a park of some sort]

Pothead #4: Have balloon animals twist people. [Pothead #5 laughs]

[dissolve to animation: a red balloon dog twists a man into the same dog shape]

[pleasant music plays]

[music stops]

[dissolve to Pothead #4 and Pothead #5, who are laughing hysterically]

Pothead #4: Thank you! Thank you!

[dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

Announcer: Pothead Theater!

[dissolve to female pothead, wearing messenger bag and in same setting as Pothead #1]

Female Pothead: How about one with the environment exploiting people.

[dissolve to animation: a deciduous tree operates a conveyor belt as people on it pass through a machine and are turned into small objects that an evergreen tree places into a box]

[pleasant music plays]

[music stops]

[dissolve to female pothead, who cackles and covers her mouth]

[dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

Announcer: Pothead Theater!

[dissolve to Pothead #6 and Pothead #7, wearing hats and sitting in paved amphitheatre]

Pothead #6: You could have TVs watching people.

[dissolve to animation: a television set sits on a small wooden stand while a man sits on an easy chair, and they face each other across a room; it is indistinguishable from a man watching television]

[pleasant music plays]

[music stops]

[dissolve to Pothead #6 and Pothead #7, who have no reaction]

[dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

Announcer: Pothead Theater!

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19

03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Rumsfeld Resigns

President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond
Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President George W. Bush speaking with Donald Rumsfeld as Condoleeza Rice watches ]

President George W. Bush: Donald.. I thought you did real good testifying in front of the committee yesterday. I thought you really stuck it to them. Especially that old guy with the big head!

Donald Rumsfeld: You’re talking about Ted Kennedy?

President George W. Bush: Yeah. That guy!

Donald Rumsfeld: Well, thank you. Thank you, Mr. President, I appreciate that, but, uh.. I also see the writing on the wall. The American people want me to go. And you yourself got pretty mad at me. So.. maybe it’s time.. I should go. I don’t want to miss my plane. I just want you to know.. I’ll never forget all that we had.

President George W. Bush: Neither will I.

[ they hug ]

Donald Rumsfeld: Alright, now I really do need to go. I’m off to a NATO conference. In Paris. Au revoir.

[ Rumsfeld exits the Oval Office ]

Condoleeza Rice: So.. you just let him go, sir.

President George W. Bush: Yes, I did, Condi.

Condoleeza Rice: Well.. maybe it’s for the best, sir. A lot of people were calling for his resignation. Maybe, politically, it’s better for you. You know, you two need to be away from each other, and.. maybe you can finally.. get over him.

President George W. Bush: It’s true. Except.. I don’t want to get over him.

Condoleeza Rice: You’re going to go after him, sir? [ excited ] My taxi’s outside! I’ll drive you to the airport!

[ “Friends” theme plays as we dissolve to nighttime exterior shot of the White House ]

[ dissolve back to interior, Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: [ re-enters ] I’m going to check my messages here.

[ Bush presses button on answering machine, as the tape rewinds and begins to play ]

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Mr. President. Hi. It’s me. And I just got on the plane. I just feel awful. And that is so not how I wanted things to end with us. Now I’m just sitting here, and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn’t, and I.. I mean, I didn’t even get a chance to tell you that I love you, too! Because, of course I do – I love you, I.. I love you. I love you. [ a beat ] What am I doing? I love you! I’ve gotta see you, I’ve gotta get off this plane..

President George W. Bush: [ excited, jumps to his feet ] Oh, my God!

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Excuse me..

Voice of Flight Attendant: Mr. Secretary. Please, sit down.

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: No, I’m sorry. I’m the Secretary of Defense, and I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to just tell someone that I love him!

Voice of Flight Attendant: Mr. Secretary. I can’t let you off the plane.

President George W. Bush: [ screaming ] Let him off the plane!!

Voice of Flight Attendant: I’m afraid you’re going to have to take your seat.

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Please, Miss, you don’t understand..

President George W. Bush: Try to understand!!

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Oh, come on, Miss! Isn’t there any way that you can just let me off this —

[ machine beeps, message over ]

President George W. Bush: [ panicking ] No! No! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did he get off the plane?! Did he get off the plane?!

[ cut to Rumsfeld standing in the door frame ]

Donald Rumsfeld: I got off the plane.

President George W. Bush: [ tense excitement fills his face ] You got off the plane.

[ they slowly walk toward one another, hug, then open-mouth kiss ]

Donald Rumsfeld: My God.. I do love you.

President George W. Bush: I love you, too.

Donald Rumsfeld: Good! Because this is where I want to be.

President George W. Bush: Oh my God, I’m sorry I got mad at you.. I will never fire you. I-I-I don’t care if you never told me about those pictures.. I-I-I-I.. or all the other stuff happening in Iraq! I don’t want to know anything about Iraq! I hate that place!

Donald Rumsfeld: Don’t you worry – I’ll make sure you know absolutely nothing from now on.

President George W. Bush: Oh, Mr. Secretary.. friends for life?

Donald Rumsfeld: Friends for life. But I do have one more thing that I have to tell you.

President George W. Bush: Ohhh.. you’re not gonna write a book, are ya’?

Donald Rumsfeld: No. It’s worse than that. [ turns to face the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” [ as Forte moves in for an impromptu kiss, making Hammond laugh as he speaks ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19

03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Show Biz Grande Explosion

Fericito….Fred Armisen
Manuel Pantalones….Horatio Sanz
…..Snoop Dogg

(Opens with the Univision logo. Mariachi music plays)

Caption: Univision en English.

(Show Biz Grande Explosion logo. Manuel is dressed like a mariachi, holds a guitar, sits on a stool)

Manuel Pantalones: Chicos y cucarachas! Welcome to Show Biz Grande Explosion! And here´s your host, on loan from the funny farm, Fe-e-e-ericito!

(Venezuelan comic Fericito has a loud burgundy suit, a golden tooth and comes out banging on his drumsticks, audience applauds to the rhythm of the sticks banging. Fericito plays wildly on his timbales set then stops)

Fericito: (heavy Latin accent) Did you feel it?!(audience cheers)I said, did you feel it?! (audience cheers) Welcome to my show. Now is time for my comedy monologue. Here´s my first joke. Did you hear they confiscated Michael Jackson underwear? You know what kind it is? Fruit of the “loony” (rim shot) Ay, Dios Mio!

(Manuel laughs)

Fericito: And then this guy fired his lawyer and got a new one. Do you know who he should get? Omarosa! (rim shot) Ay, Dios Mio!

Manuel Pantalones: (laughs) Omarosa! That´s great!

Fericito: Manuel, do you even know who Omarosa is?

Manuel Pantalones: Um, lawyer?

Fericito: Manuel, you´re fired!

Manuel Pantalones: (sad) Ok. (gets off his stool)

Fericito: No, Manuel. Its from “The Apprentice”. Its a joke!

Manuel Pantalones: I don´t get it.

Fericito: Manuel is so dumb…

Manuel Pantalones: (sits back down) How dumb am I?

Fericito: Manuel is so dumb the only thing he ever passed was a kidney “estone”. (rim shot) Ay Dios Mio!

Manuel Pantalones: Actually I didn´t pass it. The doctors dissolved it…

Fericito: Manuel, come on! Give it up for Manuel Pantalones and his Mariachis!

(Manuel plays his guitar with two other mariachis. Fericito sits behind his desk. A little drum set in front of him.)

Fericito: So, Manuel, how was your weekend?

Manuel Pantalones: Oh, you know, it was great, you know. I wish my wife was in better shape though, you know.

Fericito: Manuel´s wife is so big that when she steps on a scale it says “to be continued”. (rim shot) Ay Dios Mio!

Manuel Pantalones: Here we go….

Fericito: I´m serious, his woman is so big, her shadow has stretch marks. (rim shot)

Manuel Pantalones: (offended) I think they get it.

Fericito: Manuel, (throws his arms up) I´m just “keeeding”!

(Manuel laughs)

Fericito: Now it’s time for my new comedy routine — Fericito-walking!

(Manuel and the 2 mariachis plays the jingle)

Manuel Pantalones: (sing) Fericito-walki-i-i-i-g!

Fericito: So what I did is I went out in the streets and asked easy questions to people on the streets. You won´t believe the answers I got!

(Cut to Fericito asking a question to a woman on the street. She is smiling.)

Fericito: Ok, who is the first President of the United States?

Woman: George Washing — (Splat! Fericito hits her with a cream pie in the face. Fericito laughs)

(Cut back into the studio. Fericito has cracked himself up with the clip.)

Fericito: Ah! Did you believe that lady? It’s a real lady! That was Fericito-walking!

(Manuel and his 2 mariachis)

Manuel Pantalones: (sings) Fericito-walki-i-i-ig!

Fericito: My first guest is a man who sings rap songs and wears baggy pants. “Esnoopy” Dogg!

(Rap star Snoop Doggy Dogg comes out. Flashes peace signs, shakes hands with Fericito and sits down)

Fericito: Oh, great. So, “Esnoopy” Dogg. I see you have a new movie coming out.

Snoop Dogg: Yeah, it’s called “Soul Plane”. I play the captain. You know, these days I´m doing it all. I can do music, I can do drama, and now, with this movie, I´m doing a little bit of comedy.

Fericito: Comedy? Really? You think you could do comedy? You have to leave that to the professionals, you know. You think you´re a funny guy?

Snoop Dogg: I´m always playing around. Ok, like, would you like to hear some of my music?

Fericito: Yes, please.

Snoop Dogg: Would you like tapes or CDs?

Fericito: CDs.

Snoop Dogg: Ok, well, “CD´s” nuts. (shows Fericito his crotch)

Fericito: (confused) Eh?

(Manuel laughs hysterically)

Manuel Pantalones: He got you, Fericito!

Fericito: Please, Manuel. I don´t get this joke.

Manuel Pantalones: Oh, I got it!

Snopp Dogg: That´s ok. Maybe you want a tape instead.

Fericito: Oh, yes. I´d like a tape.

Snopp Dogg: All right, how about I “tape” my nuts to the back of your head.

(More hysterical laughing from Manuel)

Fericito: “Esnoopy” you´re talking crazy. If you´re gonna tell a joke, you need a gimmick for your punchline. You got to show the audience where to laugh, ok? Do something like this after your punchline. Put your hands behind your ears and go like this. (puts his hands behind his ears) Say Whaaa?! Ok, so let´s do the CD joke again, ok. Uh, yes, please “Esnoop” I´d like a CD.

Snoop Dogg: Well, then, “CD´s” nuts. (shoves his crotch forward)

Fericito: Now, behind your ears like this….

Snopp Dogg: (puts his hands behind his ears) Say Whaaaa?!

(Manuel laughs)

Manuel Pantalones: That worked! That really worked.

Fericito: It’s better, right? It’s more professional.

Snoop Dogg: Yes, that´s cool. I like that. You should tell Eileen that.

Fericito: Eileen who?

Snoop Dogg: “Eileen” back so you can rub this nuts! (pushes crotch forward and puts his hands behind his ears) Say Whaaaa?! Now look Fericito, why don´t you play me some of those Latin beats so we can turn it out.

Fericito: Let´s do it! (gets up from behind his desk goes to his timbales set) All right, I´ll be right back with Kiefer Sutherland from “Veinticuatro” (plays his timbales while Snopp Dogg dances)

Caption: Show Biz Grande Explosion logo

(Cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 8th, 2004

Snoop Dogg

Avril Lavigne

None

None Rumsfeld ResignsSummary: When Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond) resigns, his love is missed by President George W. Bush (Will Forte) in the style of the “Friends” finale.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Donald Rumsfeld.

Transcript

Montage

Snoop Dogg’s MonologueSummary: After a flamboyant entrance, Snoop Dogg asks viewers to knock it off with the schnizzle talk.

Also Appeared: 93p

Note: Snoop Dogg was a fill-in for an unannounced host who dropped prior to the show’s announcement.

Mom JeansSummary: The jeans with the shapely fit that says you’re a mom, not a woman.

Note: Repeat from 05/10/03.

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) teaches Snoop Dogg how to do jokes.

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones.

Transcript

Rapper Face-OffSummary: Wheelchair-bound rapper (Snoop Dogg) elicits sympathy during a rap showdown.

Scheinwald StudiosSummary: Much to Brad Scheinwald’s (Seth Meyers) chagrin, Grandpa Abe (Rachel Dratch) is eager to produce Snoop Dogg’s “Booty Hotel” movie.

Recurring Characters: Brad Scheinwald, Abe Scheinwald.

Transcript

ABC Fall PromoSummary: Gross makeover shows will dominate the Fall schedule on ABC.

Snoop Misses “Friends”Summary: Snoop Dogg’s homeys (Finesse Mitchell, Kenan Thompson) don’t share his love for the “Friends” sitcom.

Avril Lavigne performs “Don’t Tell Me”Also Appeared: 02i.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Lynndie England (Rachel Dratch) is Weekend Update’s “Dirtbag of the Week.” Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) thinks he’ll end up taking the blame for the Iraqi prisoner scandal instead of President Bush. Jimmy Fallon looks back on his musical performances at the desk over the past few decades.

Recurring Characters: Jorge Rodriguez.

Transcript

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: Still more medical mishaps among the trailer trash society.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s “Pothead Theater” lets potheads choose what they can see on television.

Transcript

Duster’s DigestSummary: The magazine that stays focused on the lifestyles of PCP users.

Avril Lavigne performs “My Happy Ending”

Snoop’s Mother’s Day MessageSummary: Snoop Dogg reflects on coming out of his mother’s womb with a poem.

Transcript

Goodnights

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Zings vs. SnapsSummary: Dave Clinger (Seth Meyers) and a fellow brain surgeon (Snoop Dogg) trade insult.

Recurring Characters: Dave Clinger.

Note: This sketch is revised for next season’s Queen Latifah episode.

E! True Hollywood StorySummary: The true story about Ike (Snoop Dogg) and Tina Turner (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: Ike Turner, Tina Turner.

The Blow OffSummary: Will Forte is the undisputed whistling champion, until Snoop Dogg arrives.

Da ApprenticeSummary: Snoop Dogg stars in the gangster version of “The Apprentice.”

“The Adventures Of Harold”Summary: T. Sean Shannon film follows the adventures of a 12-year old bald boy at school.

Note: This film finally appears on the next episode, hosted by Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen.

Bush in OneSummary: A shirtless President George W. Bush (Will Forte) discusses the Arabs.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Jorge Rodriguez…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

President Bush and Vice President Cheney met privately Thursday with the 9/11 commission in the oval office. As per their agreement, they were allowed to appear together, the meeting was not electronically recorded and they were not under oath. Also, no one was allowed to look at them, talk to them, or ask them questions.

After the meeting, the commission chairman said, “I’m satisfied the president made a good faith effort to answer the questions.” That being said, he got a 310 verbal, 370 math.

Jimmy Fallon: Michael Jackson pleaded not guilty to a Grand Jury indictment charging him with child molestation, adding that if he is guilty of anything, he’s “guilty of loving too much…and, maybe a little child molestation.”

On Sunday, Jackson fired his legal team to replace them with defense attorney Thomas Mezzerough. Then on Thursday, Jackson fired Mezzerough, and replace him with a Madam Tosco’s wax figure of Vincent Price, and a mummified Egyptian house cat.

Tina Fey: Yesterday, in a New Jersey courtroom, former NBA star Jason Williams was acquitted of manslaughter charges, although by all accounts he did pull the trigger in the shooting death of his limo driver. The verdict sends a clear message that no matter where you live retired sports stars are allowed to kill you.

Jimmy Fallon: The treasury department released a newly redesigned 50-dollar bill this week that contains several anti-counterfeiting measures. Also, Grant got himself some Botox.

(Unplanned, interrupting the start of a joke)

Audience member: Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: Yea?

Audience member: Uh, yes, over here.

Jimmy Fallon: No, I can’t answer. Yea? I’ll talk to you later on, my brotha. Thank you. I hate when my father gets drunk.

Donald Trump announced this week that he’s getting married for the third time to model Malana Nouce. Trump also announced that somewhere in the world, his forth wife was just born.

When Trump proposed, he gave Nouce a 12-karat diamond ring worth $2 million. It would actually be worth more had he not insisted on carving Trump Engagement Ring on the side.

Tina Fey: John Kerry addressed criticism that he had claimed in 1971 to throw away medals he received in Vietnam. Calling the dispute, “a phony controversy stirred by Republicans”, President Bush fired back saying, [in a bush impression] “If I had one to Vietnam, and I wasn’t such a stone cold dummy and I coulda done something good and gotta medal for it, I sure as heck would have kept it.” That’s my awesome Bush impersonation.

It was announced this week that Bill Clinton’s long awaited memoirs will be published in June, with an initial printing of 1.5 million copies. Here’s a preview of the cover: [image appears of Clinton riding on a unicorn with a mermaid behind him]

Jimmy Fallon: Well it’s May, and that means high school graduation is right around the corner. But we want to make sure that another group of graduates are not forgotten, the people who earn their GED. Here — that’s not a joke. Here with his own personal story of triumph on the General Equivalency Diploma, is Mr. Jorge Rodriguez.

Jorge Rodriguez: Thank you very much Mr. Fallon. When I began to study for the GED, I was a father of four. My back had just gone out and I lost my job at the post office. Nobody would hire me. Not UPS, not Feral Express, not DHL, not..

Jimmy Fallon: What? Like Airborne Express?

Jorge Rodriguez: Airborne Express. I couldn’t even get a job delivering Pizza. Not at Pizza Hut, not at Dominoes, Little Caesar, not at uh.. at um..

Jimmy Fallon: Papa John’s.

Jorge Rodriguez: No. I didn’t apply at Papa John’s.

Jimmy Fallon: Whatever, whatever just keep going we understand.

Jorge Rodriguez: So, anyway I took the GED. And I failed it. I failed Science, I failed Math, I failed, uh..

Jimmy Fallon: English.

Jorge Rodriguez: Yeah, I failed everything. Then I got serious about it and I took it again. But I failed it again. So I sat down and said to myself, Get Real. You gotta pass this test. I got super serious and I studied my head off. And I still failed. I still failed!

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a minute. You failed three times?

Jorge Rodriguez: No. I failed five times. Then I said, I’m going to take this thing one last time. And my friend Pepe told me that he passed by the letter C for every answer.

Jimmy Fallon: And then you passed.

Jorge Rodriguez: No, my friend Pepe was wrong.

Jimmy Fallon: Why are you here?

Jorge Rodriguez: I’m looking for Pepe. Anybody know Pepe? Anybody?

Jimmy Fallon: I think he was just up there.[ Points to where heckler was]

Jorge Rodriguez: Don’t worry. Don’t worry, Jimmy Fallon. I’m gonna get Pepe. Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower. I’m the Toro, I’m the Honda, I’m the John Deere, I’m the snapper, I’m..

Jimmy Fallon: [Interrupting Jorge] Okay. Okay. That’s enough. Jorge Rodriguez everyone.

Tina Fey: Ben Affleck is joining Senator Ted Kennedy to campaign for a rise in the American minimum wage. But, first – cocktails!

The national censor for gay and lesbian rights this week honored Sharon Stone. Citing her unending support of gay and lesbian haircuts.

Jimmy Fallon: A new poll says that if there was a vote for first lady, Laura Bush would beat Teresa Heinz Kerry in a 2 to 1 landslide. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus total irrelevance.

Tina Fey: A Norwegian couple is using money from their porn website to help save the environment. Apparently, they plant a tree for every dunderstrudel that they flurgen.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a second. These Norwegian people, they plant a tree every time the slarbul each other’s ganickanorks?

Tina Fey: Oob.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait. Wait. Vunken Oob?

Tina Fey: Yeah dude. Flunking oob flurm.

A lawyer in the Philippines is arguing that cocaine that was found in his client’s rooster’s cage belonged to the rooster and not his client. He may have a case because when the rooster took the stand it would not shut up.

Jimmy Fallon: Experts said Monday that doctors are seeing an alarming rise in drug-resistant cases of gonorrhea. [ Camera zooms in on Jimmy] Again, you’re welcome.

Lulu, a pet kangaroo who help save the life of an Australian farmer last year, will be honored with the RSPCA’s national animal valor award. Or as Lulu the kangaroo will think of it,not food.

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey!

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Both: Good night, and have a pleasant tommorow.

Submitted by: John Doe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Club Traxx

Beertje Van Beers…..Maya Rudolph
Leonard…..Fred Armisen
Chichi Chi…..Amy Poehler
Vidal…..Will Forte
Natasha…..Lindsay Lohan
Tasha…..Rachel Dratch
Yuri…..Chris Parnell

[open on title: “EUROVIZION” followed by full schedule]

Announcer: [voice over] Coming up next on Eurovizion, it’s “Club Traxx.” At 23:01, “The Royal Swedish Ballet.” 23:15, “Child’s Corner.” And at 24:10, it’s “Buttspankers.”

[dissolve to a studio in the style of a dance club with title: “CLUB TRAXX”]

[title fades]

Beertje: [with heavy, nondescript European accent] Hey! Hello, freaks! Do you have a clock? Because it’s time to get your freak out! You’re watching television and this is “Club Traxx.” I’m Beertje Van Beers.

[titles: “BEERTJE VAN BEERS,” “LEONARD”]

Leonard: [with heavy, nondescript European accent] And Leonard!

[titles fade]

Beertje: Hey, guys. Check me out. We’re counting down Eruope’s top video hits. I’d better put on my bikini and my flip flops, because this is the hottest show in the Universe.

Leonard: It’s really great!

Beertje: Wow, Leonard, you seem like one cool dude. Please tell us why this is.

Leonard: Well, this is because I love reggae music. [reggae beat begins, and Leonard speaks in time with it] Yeah, reggae music. With Bob Marley. Drinking coconuts. With a woman. So many dreadlocks. [music stops] Yes, reggae!

Beertje: Hey, pass the dutchie, Rastafari! Now let’s take a look at the top three videos on Eurovizion’s countdown.

Leonard: Coming in at number three, it is Chichi Chi with the song “Neon.”

[dissolve to sequential title screens: “CLUB TRAXX,” “3”]

[dissolve to video, with Chichi Chi in a techno club with small Icelandic flag and title: “Chichi Chi ‘Neon'”]

[techno music plays while two men in black mesh outfits perfrorm vogue-like dance moves]

Chichi Chi: [singing] “Da-da-da. Da-da-da. Da-da-da. Da-da-da.”

[dissolve to studio]

Beertje: Woo-hoo! Coming in at number two, it’s Vidal with “Don’t Forget to Dance with Me.”

[dissolve to sequential title screens: “CLUB TRAXX,” “2”]

[dissolve to video, with Vidal in front of sand dunes with small Greek flag and title: “Vidal ‘Don’t Forget to Dance with Me'”]

[Mediterranean music plays]

Vidal: [singing] “Don’t forget to dance with me. / Don’t forget your…” [lyrics indistinct]

[dissolve to studio]

Beertje: Hey! And at number one for the eleventieth week in a row, here in the studio, please welcome D.A.D.I.!

[dissolve to sequential title screens: “CLUB TRAXX,” “1”]

[dissolve to studio]

Leonard: D.A.D.I.!

Natasha: [with Russian accent] What?! What?! What are you looking at?

[title: “D.A.D.I.”]

Tasha: [with Russian accent] Yeah, what’s the big deal? Have you never seen two innocent girls before?

[title fades]

Natasha: Yeah, what is the big deal? We are just two best friends who love to hold hands. We love to go to the movies. And we love to pretend that we are lesbians and write songs about it! I love you, Tasha!

Tasha: I love you, Natasha!

[Natasha and Tasha grasp each other and flail wildly]

Leonard: Wow! You know, the two of you together is like firecrackers! How did you become this lesbian duo?

Natasha: I was in the army.

Tasha: I was a mail-order bride.

Natasha: And we met Manager Yuri, who told us if we pretend to be lesbians it will sell many records.

[pan to Yuri, offstage, nodding vigorously and giving the thumbs up]

[pan to stage]

Beertje: Yeah! What’s up dawg? Lesbians are the new gay people. Yeah!

Leonard: Yes, there are many pictures of them on my portable computer.

Beertje: Oh, cut me some slacks, will you, Leonard? Why don’t you please get a room? Now let’s get the party started. Here to sing their hit song, “We’re on the Run,” is D.A.D.I.!

[pop music plays]

Natasha: “We’re on the run.”

Tasha: “We’re having fun.”

Both: “We don’t need no one / But each other. / We’re about to make out. / Here it comes. / You’re not gonna believe your eyes / When two girls make out. / It’s almost make out time. / Here it is.”

[Natasha and Tasha grasp each other and flail wildly]

[music stops]

Beertje: All right! You guys are bad to the bone! So what’s the 4-1-1 on the horizon for D.A.D.I.?

Natasha: First, we are going to say, “No!” to school!

Tasha: Yeah, and spraypaint graffiti against the walls!

Natasha: And crash cars and scream at babies! We’re bad, man. So what?!

Tasha: Also, we are making a world tour to raise money so Yuri can buy a boat.

[pan to Yuri, shrugging]

[dissolve to stage]

Beertje: Yeah, man, that’s toxic!

Leonard: Uh, oh. All of this excitement is giving me the blues.

Beertje: Oh, no, Leonard! There he goes again! Everybody!

[a festive beat plays]

Leonard: [singing] “I got the blues.”

Both: [singing] “I got the blues. / I got the blues. / I got the blues.”

[Leonard continues alone]

Beertje: Hey, big ups to D.A.D.I.; you guys are so terribly outrageous.

Natasha: Bad girls, yeah!

Beertje: Peace.

[shot widens to reveal a person dancing in a bunny suit]

All: [singing] “I got the blues. / I got the blues. / I got the blues.”

[title: “CLUB TRAXX”]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover

Written by: Joe Kelly

Mom…..Amy Poehler
Dr. Edward Turlington…..Chris Parnell

[ open on Mom setting the kitchen table for breakfast ]

Mom: Boys! Breakfast is ready!

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: There’s a serious problem afflicting a generation of women, and, if not treated early on, it will only get worse as you get older..

[ Mom reaches high into the cupboard, revealing a lower back tattoo that reads “Juicy” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Really cool lower back tattoos. Seemed like such a good idea at the time, didn’t it?

[ Mom nods ashamedly ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: Hello. I’m Dr. Edward Turlington. Studies show that, next to smoking and having sex, getting a lower back tattoo is the best thing a young woman can do to be cool. And you ladies were cool. But now look at you. Let’s face it – you’re not young any more. You’re not even close.

[ various moms’ back tattoos are shown aged, faded and haggard ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: That’s why you need.. Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover.

[ Dr. Turlington holds up product ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Look.. here’s a really cool lower back tattoo on an attractive 20-year old girl.

[ slim figure has lower back tattoo reading “Pretty Lady” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Now, watch what happens to that tattoo when that young girl becomes a 65-ywar old woman.

[ slim figure ages badly with wrinkles, the lower back tattoo stretching to read “Pretty Sad” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Pretty sad indeed. That’s why I developed Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover. Just apply once, every hour, for 72 straight hours. And watch that tattoo slowly burn away.

[ deodorant-like canister is rubbed back and forth across the tattoo ]

Mom: Mother (bleep)!!

Dr. Edward Turlington: That tingling means it’s working. Soon enough, that silly mistake will be long gone..

[ show lower back tattoo-free but covered with unsightly welts and scars ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: ..and that slight discoloration will be the only thing to remind you of that crazy weekend in Jamaica.

[ Mom hugs her son, as a little black boy enters scene for a hug ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: Well.. maybe not the only thing. [ chuckles ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover.

[ show Mom applying the remover to her tattoo ]

Mom: Ahhhh!!

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Because it won’t be cool forever.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

The Sleepover

Rick…..Heratio Sanz
Kaitlin…..Amy Phoeler
Becky Bacharach…..Lindsay Lohan

(Kaitlin enters living room where Rick is sitting on the couch watching TV)

Kaitlin: Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! You gotta take it somewhere else! It’s my first sleepover Rick! I can’t have my step-dad hangin around.

Rick: I’m not going anywhere; it’s the Red Sox/Rangers game is on.

Kaitlin: Rick! Becky Bacharach is coming over. She’s the most popular girl in school, she’s coming over, cuz I told her that we had an indoor pool. I lied Rick! (In a singing tone) Cover for meeee! Cover for me Riiiiick!

Rick: Alright Kaitlin, I will.

Kaitlin: Good cuz me and Becky are gonna become best friends, and then, and then, we’re gonna live in an apartment and we’re both gonna work at the same movie theater, and we’re gonna sing (gets up and demonstrates) “Thank you for coming to Loews! Sit back and relax – enjoy the show!”

(Doorbell rings)

Kaitlin: (Kaitlin runs around the couch) Oh Rick she’s here! She’s here Rick! She’s here! She’s here! Rick, she’s here! She’s here! Rick, she’s here!

Rick: (Rick gets up to answer the door) Alright! Alright!

(Becky enters the house with her sleepover gear)

Becky: (Hands Rick a piece of paper) Here’s my mom’s cell phone number. Ok, I’m totally here now, but if this sleep over gets boring at any point, I’m leaving.

Kaitlin: Ok, Rick, this is Becky. Becky, this is my step-dad Rick. Becky, what do you want to do first? Talk, watch TV, tell secrets, fashion show?—

Becky: Let me stop you right there. I know this is your first sleepover, but I’ve been to like literally thousands of them, and the first thing we do is compare sleeping bags and tell secrets. So, I present to you…My sleeping bag! It’s from Shrek 3 and Shrek 2 isn’t even out yet.

Kaitlin: Oh my God Rick! A sleeping bag from the future! Where’s my sleeping bag Rick? Rick, Rick, Rick where’s my sleeping bag? Where’s my sleeping bag Rick?

Rick: (Takes knitted blanket from couch) It’s right here. It’s a super duper Afghan sleeping bag. It’s got ventilation holes there for you.

Kaitlin: Oh this is awesome, cuz you can wear it like this, or you can look through it like this, or you can spy on people like this, or you can put your hand through it like this, or you can wrap it around you like this and be like “La la la la la la la…”

Becky: I’m bored! Let’s tell secrets. I’ll start. Karen McCarthy has B.O.

Kaitlin: I’m afraid of thunder.

Becky: David Alexander wears lip gloss.

Kaitlin: I split my pants on the balance beam.

Becky: Paige Hatchet doesn’t have a TV in her house.

Kaitlin: I had lice once.

Becky: You’re not supposed to tell secrets about yourself stupid.

Kaitlin: Oh, I know, cuz, I got one. One time Rick, Rick’s on disability, cuz one time, he was on the roof and he was drunk, and he slid off the roof and he was like “Woah-oah-oah-oah!” Rick, remember that Rick how you said you were on disability but really you were lying?!

Rick: Alright Kaitlin, cool it.

Becky: I’m bored. Maybe I should call my mom.

Kaitlin: No! Wait! Music trivia! Music trivia! Who sings this? (Kaitlin gets up and dances while she sings) Amedus! Amedus! Amedus! Amedus!

(Becky mimics her in background)

Rick: Falco!

Kaitlin: (Poses with one leg up, elbow on knee and chin on fist) Rock me Amedus!

Becky: What song is this? (Sings while jumping up and down on the couch) Life style of the rich and the famous!…

Kaitlin: …Of the rich and the famous! Oh God I know that song, but I don’t know who sings it! Who sings it? What person or group Rick? (Sings) What person or group Rick, sings that song?! Rick Rick Rick! C’mon Rick!

Rick: I don’t know!

Becky: It’s Good Charlotte. They’re probably gonna sing at my birthday party, but we have to call my dad first.

Kaitlin: One time…Listen to this!…One time, on my birthday, I was at Wendy’s and I was eating, and I choked on a pickle and my whole life flashed before my eyes and I was like “I’ve never been to Disneyland; not yet Jesus.” And then I came to, and I barfed all over the Wendy’s and then they came out and the owner manager gave me a coupon for one free hamburger a year for life! Remember that Rick Rick Rick?!

Becky: Ok Kaitlin, I still might leave this sleepover, but I’ll stay if you know the answer to this question. (Pulls Kaitlin aside) Do you know how babies are made?

Kaitlin: Yes.

Becky: How are they made?

Kaitlin: You start.

Becky: Ok, you lay down, and the lights go out and then a boy pees on your bathing suit! Kaitlin, let’s go in your pool!

Kaitlin: Oh. My pool. Oh my pool…(Walks sideways over to Rick) Rick Rick Rick Rick Rick Rick Rick she wants to know about the pool.

Rick: Oh the pool’s closed for cleaning.

Becky: Well, can I see it? Where is it? It’s not in the basement is it?

Rick: Oh, you don’t need to see it. You know, it looks just like the one at your house, except MORE AWESOME.

Kaitlin: (Laughs in relief and whispers to Rick) Thank you Rick. Rick Rick Rick Rick! Awesome! It’s show time! Everybody get behind the couch! Let’s go! Rick introduce us!

Becky: Come on Rick!

Rick: It’s the Kaitlin and Becky Show.

Kaitlin: With special appearances by Raven Simone!

Becky: The Rock!

Kaitlin: Jamie Lynn Spears!

Becky: Denis Leary!

(Come from around the couch and bow and say thank you to the “audience”)

(Becky takes a beer and sings “Lifestyle of the Rich and the Famous” into it while Kaitlin takes two and sings “Amedus” into both)

Rick: Alright, put the beers back. (Takes beers from the girls) Put the beers back. Cool out. Alright, you guys have a good night. Be cool.

Both Girls: Rick Rick!

Rick: Alright, it’s almost lights out alright! Have fun!

Becky: Rick, Rick, Riiick!

Kaitlin: Thanks Rick!

Becky: Thanks Rick!

Kaitlin: Hey Becky, can I ask you a question? Have you really been to over a thousand sleepovers?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Is this your favorite one?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Are you sleepy?

Becky: No.

Kaitlin: Are you falling asleep?

Becky: No.

Kaitlin: Are you still awake?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Are you still having fun?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Are your eyes closed?

Becky: No.

Kaitlin: Do you enjoy sleepovers?

Becky: Yes.

(Fades)

Submitted by: Mia Velarde

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Hogwart’s Academy

Written by: Joe Kelly

Ron Weasley…..Seth Meyers
Harry Potter…..Rachel Dratch
Hermione Granger…..Lindsay Lohan
Fred Weasley…..Chris Parnell
George Weasley…..Jimmy Fallon
Severus Snape…..Will Forte
Rubeus Hagrid…..Horatio Sanz

[open on exterior of Hogwarts Castle with title: “Hogwart’s Academy” in Harry Potter-style letters]

[dissolve to interior, Gryffindor common room, Harry is already present and wearing red and yellow Gryffindor scarf]

Ron: [running down stairs, also wearing Gryffindor scarf] Harry! Harry! Harry Potter! Welcome back! Did you have a good summer?

Harry: No! Voldemort’s returned, and he’s trying to kill me…again!

Ron: I heard. We need Hermione. Is she here yet?

[Hermione enters, wearing a blouse with a plunging neckline, and possessing big breasts and a rather significant cleavage]

Hermione: I got here hours ago. I’ve been in the library, reseraching cloaking spells.

Ron: [takes notice of Hermione’s cleavage] Ah, heh, ah, Hermione! Mmmmm…ha, oh, hmmm…

Harry: Hello, Hermione. Welcome back. How was your summer?

Hermione: Boring. Nothing happened.

Harry: Really? [ looking at Hermione’s chest ] Seems like a lot happened.

Hermione: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ron: I can think of a couple things that happened. It’s just that, you see, it’s only been a few months since we last saw you, yet, um, ah, ha…wow! [Harry fixes him with a glare]

Harry: Ron just means that, ah, you look very nice, Hermione.

Hermione: Thank you, Harry. But we have to perform this cloaking spell to protect you from Voldemort. [raises arms and clasps her hands behind her head, thus enhancing her bosom] Protectium invisibum! Come on, what are you waiting for?

[Harry and Ron assume the same pose as Hermione]

Harry and Ron: Protectama invibaba… [mumbling as they stare into Hermione’s cleavage]

Hermione: Are you concentrating on the spell?

Harry and Ron: Uh-huh. [shaking heads “no”]

Hermione: It doesn’t seem to be working!

[Fred and George come down the stairs]

Fred: Hey, Nimrod 2000’s, did you hear the news?

George: Yes, Malfoy bought out all the Firebolts for all the Slyther… [Fred’s jaw drops and so does George’s as soon as he sees Hermione]…ha-ba-ba-ba…Hello, Hermi—Hello, Hermione.

Hermione: Hello, Fred, George. How are you?

Fred and George: Hello, Hermi-aye-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai!

Fred: [ to Hermione ] How are you?

George: How are you doing?

Fred: Let’s hang out for a minute. Incindio! [a fire flares up in the fireplace]

George: Couchio. [a couch behind them moved forward]

[Fred and George guide Hermione to sit on the couch with them]

Fred: Stereo. [Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” plays]

Harry: Gah! [music stops] We’re very busy right now! If you haven’t heard, Voldemort has returned and is trying to recruit the Dementors to take over Hogwarts!

George: Hey, Potter, cool it with the nerd stuff. Shut up.

Fred: Listen, we got a place off campus and a mini-fridge filled with butterbeer.

Hermione: I’m sorry boys, we can’t waste time. We’ll celebrate after we defeat Voldemort. [gets off the couch]

George: What a tease. [Fred and George get up from the couch]

Fred: Well, if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to go beat a couple of bludgers.

Harry: Ah, ah, going to play some Quidditch?

Fred and George: No.

Hermione: All right, the cloaking spell didn’t work. Let’s try a reverse enchantment. [clasps her hands behind her back and thrusts slightly forward with each repetition] Abrendium madicen. Abrendium madicen. Abrendium madicen. The magic isn’t happening!

Ron: I’m going to disagree with you.

Hermione: But it’s not working.

Ron: Oh, it’s working so much. Please don’t stop.

[Snape enters from stage left, wearing black robes]

Snape: What are you children doing out of bed?

Hermione: Professor Snape! [thrusts her chest in Snape’s face]

Snape: Hey-o! [shields eyes] Okay, let’s break it up here. Let’s move along. [lasciviously] Hermione, is that you?

Hermione: Yes, Professor Snape.

Snape: [nicely] Please, call me Severus. [turns serious] No, no, please call me Professor, Professor Snape! Okay, that’s fifty points each from Gryffindor! Now, go to bed! [exits stage left]

Hermione: All right, we have to hurry. This is our last chance. [takes a book from the table and sets it on the floor] Madame Helena’s Book of Incantations. [picks up an enormous magnifying glass and holds it directly in front of her chest] The print is so small! Ah, that’s better.

Ron: I’ll say.

[Harry and Ron peer into the opposite side of the magnifying glass while Hermione reads]

Hermione: It says here, “Sun to moon, moon to sun, the twilight at will, come undone!” What does that mean?

Harry: I don’t know, but it’s making me nervous and sweaty.

[Hagrid comes down the staircase, wearing green groundskeeper’s robes]

Hermione: Hagrid!

Hagrid: Hello, kids!

Ron: Hagrid.

Hagrid: [to Hermione] Hello, who are you?

Hermione: Hagrid, it’s Hermione.

Hagrid: [eyes widen] Yikes. What happened? Take it out of my brain, take it out! Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot! Okay, well, all right, I’d better go out to the woods and tame my dragon.

Harry: Ah, you got a new pet?

Hagrid: [pause] Nope.

Hermione: I give up. This is ridiculous. We didn’t get anything done, and Voldemort’s on the loose. I’m going upstairs to have a bath. [exits stage right]

Ron: [giddy with lust] Um, Harry. That invisibility cloak, do you still have access to that?

Harry and Ron: Woo-hoo-ha-ha-ha! [they jump and scurry around excitedly as the camera zooms out onto the set of SNL and the sketch ends]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue

…..Lindsey Lohan
Avril Lavigne…..Amy Poehler
…..Chris Parnell
Hillary Duff…..Rachel Dratch
Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you! Thanks guys! This is so weird! I cannot believe I’m hosting Saturday Night Live! I’m only 17 so this is insane! Anyway, you might know me as the girl from “Freaky Friday” or as the two girls from “The Parent Trap” when I was little.

(shows picture of Lindsay’s Parent Trap characters, “Hallie and Annie”

There I am! Of course, you might also know me from the pages of Us Weekly as the girl who’s always fighting with Hillary Duff. Yup.

(shows article of Lindsay and Hillary)

That’s me too. But Hillary and I are not mad at each other. W were in a fight because we both dated the same guy and the whole thing was very high school. But we’re both over it now, and to prove it, I invited Hillary Duff to be here with me tonight. So come on out, Hillary!

(Hillary comes out dressed in a pink outfit with a pink hat)

Hillary Duff: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! I can’t believe I’m here hosting Saturday Night Live!

Lindsay Lohan: Umm..okay…anyway, I’m glad we’re clearing things up!

Hillary Duff: I agree, Lindsay. Our whole feud is so yesterday.

(breaks out into song)

“So Yesterday! So yesterday! I’m just a bird that’s already flown away!”

Lindsay Lohan: Okay, um, great. Hillary, I just wanted to say right to your face if I ever did anything to hurt your feelings then I’m sorry and I apologize.

Hillary Duff: Oh thanks, Lindsay. And if I ever sent out a mass email to everyone at the Disney corporation, saying that you are addicted to laxatives and your hair is a weave, then I’m sorry too.

Lindsay Lohan: Whoa whoa, wait a minute! You did what?!

Hillary Duff: I’m so glad we made up! And listen! There’s someone else I’ve been feuding with, because I said she didn’t respect her fans. Avril Lavigne!

(Avril comes on with a white tank top and black pants)

Avril Lavigne: Yeah! F you, Duff!

(audience claps)

Shut up! Be quiet! Stop clapping! F you, Duff! F you, Lohan!

Lindsay Lohan: Me? What did I do?

Avril Lavigne: I don’t know what you did. I’m just mad! I’m like, bleah! Look at me! I’m wearing black nail polish! I’m a punk! Neah! Canada!

(audience claps again)

No! Be quiet!

Hillary Duff: Avril, I’m really really sorry for what I said about you! Do you accept my apology?

Avril Lavigne: I don’t and I won’t and I can’t and I won’t and I don’t!

Hillary Duff: Great!

Lindsay Lohan: Uh, Hillary? She said no. She doesn’t want to be friends with you! Whatever…

Avril Lavigne: Wait! I got something. I gotta apologize too. I was at the Grammy’s, and I was like, Neah! And she was like, Myeah! And I was like, Suck it, Whitney Houston! But now, I don’t even care so I want to apologize!

(Whitney comes on with a white suit and sunglasses)

Whitney Houston: That’s right! (waves at audience) Thank you! Thank you so very much! Avril Lavigne and Whitney Houston are no longer in a feud! Because I accept your apology and I in turn, would like to apologize to my husband, Mr. Bobby Brown! Woo! And the the nation of Is-rye-el. For showing up there, jacked out of my mind!

Lindsay Lohan: Great, so it’s settled! I’m not fighting with Hillary, Hillary’s not fighting with Avril, Avril’s not mad at Whitney, and Whitney Houston is not going to get high and go to Israel anymore. Whitney: That’s right!

(Chris Parnell enters)

Chris Parnell: Uh, excuse me, Ms. Houston? I think you owe me an apology!

Lindsay Lohan: Chris, uh, what are you doing?

Chris Parnell: Uh, pardon me, Lindsay. Uh, Whitney, my name is Chris Parnell. Thank you. Let me be the first to explain to you that there is a code of ethics among celebrities, such as you and myself, that if we run into each other at LAX or La Guardia, we exchange pleasantries. I was on a flight with you a few months ago and I gave the customary head nod. (demonstrates the head nod) And you chose to ignore me!

Whitney Houston: Yes!

Chris Parnell: Now, I don’t know if you were thrown off by the fact that I was in coach and you were in first…

Whitney Houston: That’s right!

Chris Parnell: Okay, but I will not be treated with that kind of disrespect!

Whitney Houston: Woo!

Chris Parnell: I went to the North Carolina School of the Arts!

Whitney Houston: Amen!

Lindsay Lohan: Chris, relax. Relax.

Chris Parnell: I’m sorry, Lindsay.

Lindsay Lohan: It’s okay.

Chris Parnell: I’m sorry you had to see that. And um, Happy Birthday in advance. I know froma website that I frequent, you turn 18 in 63 days and 25 minutes.

Lindsay Lohan: Thanks…

Avril Lavigne: Awww, man! F you! You’re gross, Parnell!

Chris Parnell: (to Hillary) When do you turn 18?

Hillary Duff: Never!

Lindsay Lohan: Ohmigod, this is going to get me into more trouble. We have a great show for you guys! Usher is here! So stick around and we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Lindsey B.

SNL Transcripts