Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Goby…..Horatio Sanz
Skyler…..Lindsay Lohan
DJ Jonathon Feinstein…..Seth Meyers

(screen appears with Jarrets Room website and Jarret fixing the camera)

Jarret: What’s up guys, it’s me Jarret; how you doing. Coming to you live here at Hampton College; we’ve got a great show for tonight. Give it up for my house DJ Jonathon Feinstein.

(“Toxic” by Britney Spears begins playing as DJ Feinsten, dressed in a nude unitard with sparkles on it, dances inappropriately)

Jarret: Dude, dude that’s gross.

DJ Feinsten: Is it.

Jarret: Yeah it is.

DJ Feinsten: I agree.

(Jarret nods his add in confusion as he moves the camera)

Jarret: That was weird. Now give it up for my best friend and my roommate Goby.

(Goby walks in and places his face in front of the camera)

Goby: Domo we already got the weed smoking robot. Domo (turns head toward Jarret) Domo, Domo, Domo.

(Laughs while he sits down)

Jarret: What a minute; weed-smoking robot. What are you talking about?

Goby: I’m talking about my masterpiece. I’ve invented the world’s first weed smoking robot. I give you Smoketron 3000.

(A robot comes in smoking a weed cigarette.)

Jarret: Wow!

Smoketron 3000: Dude, I’m so totally baked right know. It’s not even funny.

Jarret: Dude, what possible use could anyone have with a weed smoking robot.

Goby: What do you mean, there’s tons. Check this out, robot get me a Pepsi.

Smoketron 3000: Okay.

(Smoketron3000 continues smoking while Goby begins to laugh.)

Smoketron 3000: Wait what?

Goby: I said, Robot get me a Pepsi.

Smoketron 3000: Oh, got it.

(Smoketron 3000 begins leaving then turns around.)

Smoketron 3000: Wait what.

(Jarret and Goby both laugh)

Goby: Awesome.

Jarret: Goby…

Goby: He’s like me.

Jarret: I know, I know. You can’t even use the telephone by yourself how did you invent a robot?

Goby: It was a total accident bro. I was trying to make a bomb out of my dad’s lawnmower.

Jarret: Of course.

Goby: Right, like I do every summer. Long story short, this is what I got.

(Both point toward Smoketron 3000 and laugh)

Goby: Pretty awesome right?

Jarret: I guess so yeah.

Jarret: It’s a sad day here at Jarret’s Room cause yesterday….

Goby: Why?

Jarret: Goby and I found out that after thirteen long years Hampton College is finally making us move off campus. Yeah..

Goby: Wait. We went to college.

Jarret: You know it really makes you think of all the great times we’ve had here…remember our first day in this room.

Goby: Yea, it was so long ago I remember it well. (begins rubbing chin as the screen dissolves)

(Screen plays video of what happened 15 seconds ago; starting from It’s a sad day here at Jarrets Room, ending at Wait we went to college.)

Goby: (continues rubbing chin as he begins to speak) Yes, so very long ago. I remember it well.

(Both begin laughing)

Jarret: That was like twenty seconds ago man.

Goby: Yea, it seemed like yesterday though.

Jarret: Maybe we should use my brain for flashbacks from now on…….Yea

Goby: Yea, we should.

Jarret: Okay good. Well since were moving out we had to figure out who would moving in next year after interviewing thousands of candidates I think we found her, please welcome Skyler.

(Jarret moves the camera to show Skyler coming in. Skyler then looks around as she sits down.)

Skyler: Wooow.

Jarret: So Skyler you psyched to move in….

Skyler: Dude, no way, you’re that guy Jarret.

Jarret: Yea. (with a confused face.)

Skyler: This room is awesome I wish I could live here.

Jarret: You are, remember I said you could move into my room.

Skyler: Oh yeah.

Jarret: Yeah, are you psyched.

Skyler: Dude, you’re that guy Jarret.

Jarret: Yea.

(Skyler continues looking around as Jarret continues to look frustrated. Goby is laughing hysterically.)

Skyler: Man, I wish I could live in a room like this one day.

Jarret: (With frustrated voice.) You are!

Goby: Ohh, brother.

(all begin to laugh.)

Skyler: Cool, do I get the robot dude too.

Jarret: Yeah sure,..

Goby: yeah sure, you know what you can take him he’s getting on my nerves. He’s always getting my stash.

(Jarret begins to touch the robot as it passes by.)

Smoketron 3000: Dudes I’m cashed can one of you smoke me out.

(Jarret looks confused as Goby laughs. Skyler hands Smoketron 3000 a weed cigarette.)

Skyler: I got a little.

Smoketron 3000: Awesome, wait are you a cop?

Skyler: Noooo.

Smoketron 3000: Cause’ legally you have to tell me if you are.

Skyler: I’m not a cop dude.

Smoketron 3000: There’s no way I’m going back to jail.

Jarret: Wait, wait, wait your robot’s been to jail?

Goby: Yea dude. He’s on strike three. One more and they’re going to put him away for a long time.

Smoketron 3000: I aint gonna be nobody’s bitch.

(Jarret looks confused as Goby and Skyler laugh.)

Skyler: I’m not a cop dude.

Smoketron 3000: Sweet.

(Jarret looks confused as Smoketron 3000 leaves the camera area.)

Jarret: You realize that robot’s only wasting your weed right.

Goby: Yea tell me about it, he never gets me back.

(robot comes back toward Jarret and Skyler.)

Smoketron 3000: Dude check this out this will freak your beans, what if I’m the human and you are the robot.

Jarret, Skyler and Goby: (Enthusiastcly) Wooaa

Smoketron 3000: Oh man I’m freaking out. I think this stuff was laced; I’ve gotta get outta here.

Goby: Robot, cool out.

(Smoketron 3000 begins going out of control as he begins rolling toward the window. A window cracking his heard.)

Smoketron 3000: (Said as he is falling out of the window.) I REGRET NOTHING!!!

(An object falling on a car is heard as the alarm begins to sound. Jarret looks at Goby confused as Skyler laughs.)

Skyler: That robot just totally jumped out that window!

Jarret: Wow.

Goby: (In a sad voice) He was a good dude.

Jarret: No he wasn’t a good dude he was a bad robot.

Goby: Yea, but still!

Jarret: Well that’s our show DJ Feinsten take us out!

(Jarret moves the camera toward DJ Feinsten as he does the same dance as the introduction. Camera then clicks out and shows a computer’s main screen.)

Submitted by: Roman Silva

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Goodnights

…..Lindsay Lohan

Lindsey Lohan: Thanks to Usher, Ludicris, Lorne, the cast, the crew! Hair, make-up, my family! Amy, Tina, everybody here! Good night! Thank you so much.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Debbie Downer

Waiter…..Kenan Thompson
Brother 1…..Fred Armisen
Brother 2…..Jimmy Fallon
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Dad…..Horatio Sanz
Sister 1…..Lindsay Lohan
Sister 2…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, outdoor parade at Disneyland ]

[ dissolve to interior, Mickey’s Breakfast Jamboree, as Waiter approaches the McKusick family ]

Waiter: Good morning! Welcome to the Mickey’s Breakfast Jamboree! My name is Billiam, and I’ll be serving you today. You guys here on a special occasion?

Brother 1: Well, we’re here on that new Magical Gatherings family package. We’ve got the McKusick clan down from Ohio – right, guys? Say Hi!

Family: Hiiiii!!!!

Waiter: Well, great. Let me tell you Mickey’s specials today – we’ve got steak and eggs, served with some home fries and Mickey waffles.

Brother 2: [ excited ] Whoo-oooo! I loves me some Steak and Eggs!

Debbie Downer: Ever since they found Mad Cow Disease in the U.S., I’m not taking any chances. It can live in your body for years, before it ravages your brain.

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ]

[ dissolve to jingle montage ]

Jingle:
“You’re enjoying your day, everything’s gonig your way
Then, along comes Debbie Downer!
Always there to tell you about a new disease
A car accident or killer bees.
You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please.”
But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

[ zoom on Debbie’s sad face ]

[ dissolve back to the family gathering ]

Dad: We did it, gang! We pulled it off! A family reunion at Disney! I don’t know about you guys, but the first I’m gonna do is ride that haunted elevator thingie! [ laughs ] It drops you straight down!

Sister 1: This is my dream come true! I mean, I’m totally serious! Tigger hugged me at the door, and I thought I was gonna cry!

Sister 2: Awww..

Debbie Downer: [ sullenly ] I guess Roy isn’t doing as well as I first thought..

Sister 2: What? Who’s Roy?

Debbie Downer: Roy? Of Siegfried and Roy? He was attacked by his own tiger and suffered devestating injuries.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ]

Brother 1: So, uh.. hey! Who wants to go on Space Mountain with me?

Family: Me!! Me!! Me!!

Sister 1: I want to see the Country Bear Jamboree!

Sister 2: I want to go to every country in Epcot, and greet them in their own native language! “Hola!” “Konnichiwa!” “Hi!”

Debbie Downer: Do you guys care about that train explosion in North Korea?

[ drunken trombone sound effect; Jimmy Fallon starts to crack up ]

Debbie Downer: The media is so sensitive there.. so secretive —

[ Rachel Dratch begins to crack up with Jimmy Fallon ]

Debbie Downer: — that they may never know how many people perished.

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face, which begins to crack up under Rachel Dratch’s crumbling willpower ]

Waiter: Who’s ready for Mickey waffles!

Family: Oh, me! Me, me, me!!

Sister 1: Oh.. my.. God! I just made eye contact with Pluto! And he’s coming over here!

Brother 1: Pluto! Pluto!

[ guy in a Pluto costume comes over to hug Sister 1 ]

Sister 1: Oh, my God, oh, my God! I’m hugging Pluto! I’m at Disneyworld, and I’m hugging Pluto! Somebody take a picture!

[ everyone crowds around to be in the photo, as Debbie takes the picture with her camera ]

Debbie Downer: Wow, you guys, Disneyworld really is fun, it makes me feel like a kid again. I mean, the time before my two-year stint at Children’s.

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face as she takes the picture ]

[ everyone tries desperately not to crack up, as Pluto comes over ot hug Debbie ]

Debbie Downer: Oh.. hey.. hey, Pluto, hi. Boy.. it must be fun to work here.. although, the biggest drawback to working in a theme park is that you must live in constant fear of deadly terrorist attacks.

[ the jovial Pluto stops being so jovial, its tongue hanging out rather sad and pitiful in light of Debbie’s statement ]

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face, which begins to crack up under Rachel Dratch’s crumbling willpower ]

[ Pluto runs off ]

Brother 1: Pluto.. Pluto, wait, where are you going?

Debbie Downer: With that costume on, he’s probably under the early stages of heatstroke.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face. . Rachel Dratch begins to crack up and covers her face with her hand as she loses it completely ]

Debbie Downer: Speaking of — [ cracks up ] Speaking of —

[ Amy Poehler has her head down and is laughing. Rachel Dratch is trying to stop laughing as she gets on with the rest of the sketch ]

Debbie Downer: Speaking of heat.. if this greenhouse effect keeps up, we’ll all be living underwater.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face which breaks because of her cracking up; Rachel Dratch tries to hold her breath to keep from cracking up, but it doesn’t work that well ]

Debbie Downer: By the way — [ cracks up ] By the way, it’s official — [ pauses extensively to hold in her laughter; Jimmy Fallon is looking at her. Dratch’s voice breaks as she says the next line]: I can’t have children! [Jimmy Fallon covers his face with his hands to keep from laughing]

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s face, which is distraught with laughter. At this point, everyone at the table is cracking up, except for Fred Armisen, who is just smiling to keep from laughing ]

Sister 1: Okay. You know what, Debbie? [ stands ] You are totally ruining my trip to Disne — [ cracks up in the middle of her anger, then composes herself quickly as Horatio Sanz is wiping his tears of laughter with a Mickey Mouse waffle ] I didn’t say a word during It’s A Small World, when you talked about low birth weight! Or, during the fireworks when you went on — [ cracks up again, tries to sit down, but gets back up and finishes the line ] When you when on and on about feline AIDS!

Debbie Downer: It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

[ meowing sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ]

Sister #1: I can’t take this! [leaves in a huff

Debbie Downer: So, after this, we’ll head to the park, guys? [ cracks up ] Lather up the sunscreen. I had a mole looked at recently, and the doctor told me that, due tothe extent of its irregular borders, I’m flirting with a melanoma.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face; Rachel Dratch again tries to hold her breath to keep from laughing ]

[ everyone abruptly leaves the table ]

Debbie Downer: You guys go ahead. I’ll meet you at my favorite ride – the Hall of Presidents.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Jingle: “But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

debbie Downer: They never did catch that anthrax guy.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

9/11 Briefing

Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte

[ SUPER: “Old Executive Office Building: Thursday, April 28, 2004: 7:48 am” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Vice-President Cheney drinking from a cup of coffee ]

[ President Bush enters ]

President George W. Bush: Knock knock.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, good morning, Mr. President. Some coffee?

President George W. Bush: No. I’m good. [ holds up a Big Gulp ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. [ they sit ] You, uh.. you ready for our interview with the 9/11 commission?

President George W. Bush: Oh, I’m feeling great! I’m gonna ace this baby, estch!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: I’m glad to hear you’re so confident. Now.. Mr. President, we’re gonna have you answer the majority of the questions, so that people know that you’re in charge.

President George W. Bush: [ eating a muffin ] Mmm mmm.. I’m George W. Bush, and I approve this muffin.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay, Mr. President. Let’s just go over the signals we worked out, in case you can’t remember what to say.

President George W. Bush: Oh, forget the signals. I’m not scared of this commission. I’m ready for their questions! You see, people underestimate me – they think I’m dumb!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Th-th-they think you’re like Rain Man.. without the math skills?

President George W. Bush: Exactly! But I’m smarter than that. I’m also an excellent driver!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Even so, if you don’t mind I’d like to go over your.. testimony one more time, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Fine! Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay. Here we go. “After leaving Florida, why was Air Force One sent to Omaha rather than returning to Washington?”

President George W. Bush: Uhhhh.. let’s see.. [ clears throat ] “It was a, uh.. [ looks on his hand ] ..stop-gap precautionary measure. Until we had., uh.. fully assessed the threat level.. in and around the White.. House.”

Vice-President Dick Cheney: That’s good.

President George W. Bush: [ proudly ] Yeah, I got it written on my hand here! [ laughs ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: I noticed that. Okay, next, uh.. “What actions, if any, were taken on the day you received the PDB regarding bin Laden’s threat of attack within the United States?”

President George W. Bush: I was hoping that one wasn’t gonna be on the quiz.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Well, I’m sure they’re gonna ask that question.

President George W. Bush: Alright, don’t worry.. don’t worry. Piece of cake. [ brief pause ] “Mr. Commissioner.. that’s a very good question, and I’ll tell you what I did after receiving that alarming information. [ pulls up his pants leg, reading from his leg ] A general alert.. was sent out.. to all.. law enforcement agencies –“

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Mr. President.. Mr. President.. okay, okay.. let me just stop you right there. I don’t think you’re gonna get away with that.

President George W. Bush: Yeah, you’re right – too much leg sweat, words get all smudgy.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. Let’s focus on something else. What if they ask you about.. integrating the intelligence-gathering branches of the federal government?

President George W. Bush: [ closes his eyes deep in thought ] I will be reassuring. I will seek to put their minds at ease. I will say, “Gentlemen, I have good news.”

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Good news?

President George W. Bush: I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance. ‘Cause I’m an excellent driver!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Please.. please don’t say that..

President George W. Bush: What? It’s an icebreaker!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: No, Mr. President.. you didn’t read any of the notes I made for you, did you?

President George W. Bush: I thought we laid this down on Day One – I’m not gonna be reading anything.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Uh.. Mr. President, the commission’s gonna be in the Oval Office within the hour. Do you think you’re prepared to sit ofr nearly four hours of questioning?

President George W. Bush: [ sipping his Big Gulp ] In a row?!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yes, sir. In a row. Mr. President, you’ve got to remember that body language is gonna be very important.

President George W. Bush: Oh, don’t worry, Dick – I’ve been working on it.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. If they ask you about national security, you want to appear confident.

[ Bush folds his arms tightly ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. If they ask you about the FBI – thoughtful.

[ Bush places his folded hand upon his chin ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: If they ask you about funds diverted from Afghanistan – nothing to hide.

[ Bush spreads his legs apart and entices his hands in a “Gimme” pose ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright, let’s go through it one more time. Confident.

[ Bush folds his arms tightly ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Thoughtful.

[ Bush places his folded hand upon his chin ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Nothing to hide.

[ Bush spreads his legs apart and entices his hands in a “Gimme” pose ]

President George W. Bush: I got this body language thing down, I’m in control! Ask me anything! Come on!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. “Mr. President, was the invasion of Iraq something you had planned from the very moment you took office?”

[ Bush wraps one leg around the other, and buries his face in his hands ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Mr. President? Excuse me. Sir, you’re gonna have to say something. Sir! Say something!

President George W. Bush: [ lowers his hands from his face ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Billy Joel

Girl 1…..Lindsay Lohan
Girl 2…..Amy Poehler
Girl 3…..Tina Fey
Girl 4…..Maya Rudolph
Billy Joel…..Horatio Sanz

(Opens with girls 2,3 and 4 getting in the backseat ofa car, they hold exotic drinks, girl 1 jumps on thepassenger seat)

Girl 2: Ha! It’s this one you guys. It’s right over here.

Girl 1: I cannot believe we’re actually partying in the Hampton’s!

Girl 4: This is so cool! How do you get some completestranger to drive us over to Russel Simmons’s party?

Girl 3: I know how she did it! (They all laugh)

Girl 2: You guys! It wasn’t like that! It was thecoolest. I saw this old guy sleeping on a table, Iwoke him up and he says he drives us wherever we wantto go.

Girl 1: Well, I’m ready to party! Where is this guy?

(Billy Joel gets in the driver’s seat and he’ssinging)

Billy Joel: Sing us a song you’re the piano man, sing us asong tonight. (Stops singing) Hello ladies! I’ll beyour chauffeur tonight. Billy Joel’s my name,driving’s the game! You may also know some of mysongs. “Piano man” “Uptown girl” “Still rock and rollto me” Nothing? (Girls nod their heads no) Ah, nobiggy. Where are you off to ladies?

Girl 1: We’re going to Russell Simmons’s house. (Theytake off)

Billy Joel: Been there many times. I’ve pissed on that poolbefore if you know what I mean.

Girl 3: No. What do you mean?

Billy Joel: I went to the bathroom in the pool. I think Ishould warn you I’m an excellent driver.

Girl 3: You look really familiar.

Billy Joel: Yeah, I’m Billy Joel. (Sings) You had to be abig shot, didn’t ya? Had to open up your mouth! (Stopssinging) Nothing? Oh, well what the hell! We’re in theHamptons. I can drive these streets blind.

Girl 1: Oh my God! (Car swerves, tires screech)

Billy Joel: That was close! (sings) Almost gave me a heartattack ak-ak-ak-ak (stops singing) Hahaha! Oh, that’s mysong from “Movin out”

Girl 3: Now I know who you are! You’re the guy thatwrote that musical.

Girl 1: Oh yeah, my mom took my nana and my aunt to that.

Billy Joel: Interesting story. It’s actually basedon… (Billy completely turns around to talk to thegirls on the backseat, girls scream)

Girl 1: Oh, my God!! (2 trash cans bounce from the hoodof the car, Billy takes the wheel and laughs)

Billy Joel: Oh!, couple of trash cans on the street! Uh…what was I saying?

Girl 2: Pay attention to the road, mister!

Billy Joel: You don’t need to worry about that. I’m anexcellent captain. I also wrote this littlediddy. (sings) Bottle of red, bottle of white… (stopssinging and once again turns to the backseat) ActuallyI got a bottle in the backseat probably.

Girls-Watch out!! (Children’s toys bounce and fly overthe hood of the car)

Girl 1: What are you doing?

Girls: Mailbox! Mmailbox!

(Mailbox crashes into the car and it lands right inthe middle of the windshield completely blocking theview. Amy is heard yelling “Oh my God!” and everyoneis cracking up. Horatio gets halfway out of the carthrough the car window and pushes the mailbox off thecar with a bottle. Much cheers and applause from theaudience for the blooper)

Girl 1: You know…

Billy Joel: (sings with a bottle) Look at this.Bottle ofpineapple Schnapps! Hells yeah! (takes a swig)

Girl 1: I could drive! I could drive! I could drive! Icould drive!

Billy Joel: Don’t even worry about it! These are mystreets! I’m a Long Island boy! Shortcut!!!! (crashthrough a gate, wood shatters and flies all over theplace, girls scream) (sings and pretends to play pianoon the dashboard) Friday night I crashed your party,Saturday I said I’m sorry! (stops singing) Right,ladies?

Girls: DOG!!!

Billy Joel:Ahhh! (dog bounces off the hood, woof!) Don’tworry, don’t worry! He’ll be all right. I’ve hit thatdog before! All right, too much excitement! I’m gonnapass out for a few seconds. (Billy passes out, carswerves out of control)

Girl 2: What?!

Girl 4: Do something!!

Girl 2: Grab the wheel!!

Girl 1: I don’t know what to do!

Girl 2: Wake up!, wake up!

(Billy wakes up)

Billy Joel: What?!, what?!, what?! (sings and dances) Andwe’re living here in Allentown!! (stops singing) Hey!,who’s driving this buggy?

Girl 3: You are mister! Please, stop!

Girl 1: I want to get out of this car right now!!

Billy Joel: (sings and pretends to play on thedashboard) I’d rather laugh with the sinners than crywith the saints, sinners are much more fun, only thegood die young!! (stops singing) Woooo!!!!

Girl 1: You know what? You are scaring me mister!

Billy Joel: Don’t I know it!

Girls: A brick wall!!!!Look out!!!

Billy Joel: Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!

(They crash against the brick wall and pieces of itslam on the hood of the car, car stops)

Girl 2: Oh, my God! You could’ve killed us you creep!!

Girl 1: You should be in jail!!

Girl 4: YOU NEED HELP, BUSTER!!!!

Billy Joel: True. True enough. But I give you the estate ofMr. Russell Simmons’s!

(The girls all change their tunes)

Girls: Oooohhh!

Girl 1: Hey, are you gonna come in?

Billy Joel: Oh, man! I haven’t missed a party in theHampton’s in 20 years! Just point me towards the pool!

Girl 4: I wonder if there’s gonna be a band there….

(They all get of the car towards the party)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

17th Annual Adult Movie Awards

Ron Jeremy…..Horatio Sanz

[ open with NBC logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching NBC, America’s #1 television network!

Disclaimer: ..among adults, 24 to 26, in non-metropolitan areas.

[ dissolve to awards show montage reel ]

Announcer: Live, from the Circus Circus Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada.. it’s the 17th Annual Adult Movie Awards. Featuring appearances by..

Ron Jeremy..

Jenna Jameson..

Phil McCracken..

Urethra Franklin..

Betty Balzac and the Betty Balzac Dancers..

Jeremy Piven..

Dick Petersworth..

Dick Prong..

Dick Mcfeelie..

Dick Vhanes..

Dick Spitz..

Dick Rod..

Rod Dick..

Bill Mahar and “The Teabagger”..

Dick “The Penis” McPherson..

Jimmy Kimmel..

Rusty Tailpipe..

Krystal Ballz..

Tawny Kooter..

Rumple Foreskin..

Misty Britches..

Mary Hole..

“Saturday Night Live”‘s Darrell Hammond..

..and Maggie Gyllenballs.

[ dissolve to the awards stage ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen.. your host for the evening – Rom Jeremy!

[ Ron Jeremy, in dark blazer and tropical shirt, steps up to the podium ]

Ron Jeremy: Hello, everyone. Hello. Welcome, once again, to the 17th —

[ the awards are cut off ]

Announcer: [ over matching SUPER ] “Due to heightened sensitivity and the threat of FCC fines, NBC regrets to inform our audience that certain portions of the Adult Film Awards have been deemed unsuitable for broadcast. We apologize for any inconvenience. We now rejoin the program.”

[ cut back to the awards, Ron Jeremy at the podium in only his tropical shirt and flanked by three porn actresses ]

Ron Jeremy: Well, that’s our show! [ chuckles ] Thanks for watching, everybody, we’ll see you next year!

[ dissolve to NBC logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 1st, 2004

Lindsay Lohan

Usher

None

Ludacris 9/11 BriefingSummary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) briefs President George W. Bush (Will Forte) on the 9/11 hearings.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.

Transcript

Montage

Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: Lindsay Lohan apologizes to Hillary Duff (Rachel Dratch), who apologizes to Avril Lavigne (Amy Poehler), who apologizes to Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph), who doesn’t apologize to Chris Parnell.

Recurring Characters: Avril Lavigne, Whitney Houston.

Bio: Teen actress Lindsay Lohan (1986-) stars in the film “Mean Girls”, written by Tina Fey.

Also Hosted: 04t, 05p.

Transcript

Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo RemoverSummary: Dr. Edward Turlington’s (Chris Parnell) lotion erases Mom’s (Amy Poehler) youthful attempts at coolness.

Transcript

Jarret’s RoomSummary: Forced to move out of their dorm room, Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) and Goby (Horatio Sanz) welcome the new student (Lindsay Lohan) who’s moving in.

Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, DJ Jonathan Feinstein.

Transcript

Hogwart’s AcademySummary: Hermione’s (Lindsay Lohan) summer growth spurt rages pre-wizard hormones among her classmates.

Recurring Characters: Harry Potter.

Transcript

Billy JoelSummary: Drunken Billy Joel (Horatio Sanz) drives teenage girls (Lindsay Lohan, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch) to Russell Simmons’ party.

Note: Of the objects thrown at the windshield to make it look like Billy Joel is driving into them, a mailbox lands firmly on the hood and remains in place until Horatio Sanz reaches out of the window to knock it off with a wine bottle.

Transcript

Usher, with Ludacris, performs “Yeah”Bio: Usher (1978-) began his singing career in the church choir in Atlanta, Georgia prior to becoming a popular R&B performer and actor.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: G.E.D. candidate Jorge Rodriguez (Horatio Sanz) tells his personal story of triumph.

Recurring Characters: Jorge Rodriguez.

Transcript

Debbie DownerSummary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) cracks up while focusing on the bad side of life.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.

Transcript

Club TraxxSummary: Pretend lesbian group D.A.D.I. (Lindsay Lohan, Rachel Dratch) performs in the studio.

Recurring Characters: Beertje van Beers, Leonard.

Transcript

The SleepoverSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) invites the most popular girl (Lindsay Lohan) at school over for a sleepover.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

Note: This sketch was cut from the previous episode hosted by Janet Jackson.

Transcript

Usher performs “Burn”

17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Colin Firth and Ben Affleck.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

CheerleadersSummary: The head cheerleader (Amy Poehler) gets stuck in the clouds after a powerful boost.

The BathtubSummary: A conversation between family members takes place exclusively in the bathtub.

“The Adventures Of Harold”Summary: T. Sean Shannon film follows the adventures of a 12-year old bald boy at school.

Note: This film appears on the season finale episode hosted by Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen.

Spy GlassSummary: Teen correspondent (Lindsay Lohan) gabs celebrity gossip with Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Gene Shalit.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Dr. Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph
Kevin Eubanks…..Finesse Mitchell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

In response to a request by the 9/11 commission, the White House agreed to declassify the President’s daily intelligence briefing from August 6, 2001, entitled “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.” The committee also wants to see the August 20th briefing, “No, Seriously, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States,” and the one from the 26th, “Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.”

Parts of the August sixth memo were just declassified hours ago. Here’s a look of the cover page, with the President’s notes.

[picture of the cover page with sloppy notes written on it, including several games of tic-tac-toe, and the word “GAY” with an arrow pointed towards “Bin Laden,” as well as “Ozzy Rules!” and “I love Condo-Lisa”]

Looks like, um, he was on top of things. That’s good.

Jimmy Fallon: The Jewish holiday Passover began Monday. At Seder tables everywhere, uh, Jews uttered the phrase “Next year in Jerusalem,” where Jews in Jerusalem uttered the phrase, “Get me the hell out of here.”

Tina Fey: While questioning Condoleeza Rice during Thursday’s hearings, Democrat Bob Kerrey mistakenly addressed her as “Dr. Clarke,” and then, even more embarrassingly, as “Omarosa.”

In response to the escalating violence this week in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops, and will actually add reinforcements to the South. So then, in a symbolic gesture, he pulled down the “Mission Accomplished” banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter, and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier.

Jimmy Fallon: A, uh- a Ringling Brothers Circus daredevil shocked the crowd at Madison Square Garden Tuesday, when he slipped off a high wire and plunged more than thirty feet to the ground. The trick was called the “Howard Dean.”

To make matters worse, when the paramedics showed up, there was no room in the ambulance. Absolutely terrible, terrible evening at the circus. [picture of small ambulance filled with clowns; some applause]

Tina Fey: The big story this week was Condoleeza Rice’s testimony before the committee to investigate pre-9/11 intelligence failures. Here now with further comment is Condoleeza Rice. [pan to Dr. Rice]

[SUPER: “Dr. Condoleeza Rice / National Security Advisor”]

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: [in a serious tone] Hello Tina, Jimmy. Thank you for this opportunity to further discuss these issues. Tina, as I have said, there was no “silver bullet” that would have prevented the attacks. Richard Clarke did issue that memo, and I did read it. But it was purely an historical document, not a plan to prevent the tragedy from occurring.

Tina Fey: Well, you know, Dr. Rice, your testimony in front of the commission was all done under oath, but this is, uh, this is all strictly off the record here.

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: Oh, off the record?

Tina Fey: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: OK, here’s what went down. I got that memo, and I was like, oh, brudder. So I went right into the President’s office, and I was like, “Hey, dude! You have to read this!” And he was just like, uhhh, duhhhh.

And I go, “Mr. President, this could be really important!” And he’s like, uhhh, duhhhh.

Tina Fey: So you never got him to read it?

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: No! Do you know how hard it is to get him off that treadmill once he gets going? He’s, like, a hamster in a little wheel! Then- then he goes, [squinting] “Show it to Cheney.”

So I head over to Heart Attack Jones’ office, and he’s like, [imitating a robot] “Reep-ropp-ropp-roop-roop-roop. Show it to Fleischer.”

Tina Fey: So did you try anyone else? Did you try Fleischer?

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: I took it to Ari Fleischer, but when I got to his office there was a scrunchie on his doorknob, which meant his j-date had gone very well. I- I couldn’t get anyone to read it, it was hopeless!

Tina Fey: So they all ignored it. Why did you cover for them?

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: On the record? [seriously] Because I believe in the vision of this administration, and want to help them bring democracy to the world.

Off the record? [hand to her mouth] They bought me a Range Rover and promised me VP in ’08, y’all! Bye!

Tina Fey: Condie Rice, everyone! [applause] Condoleeza Rice, one of two, equally delightful-[referring to a previous sketch in which Dr. Rice was played by host Janet Jackson]

Jimmy Fallon: It is rumored that Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together. Apparently they were seen holding genitals in public.

Tina Fey: This Wednesday marked the 100th anniversary of New York’s Times Square. To celebrate, a bunch of tourists got in everyone’s way. [applause]

While on vacation in Hawaii Wednesday, California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger rescued a swimmer from drowning. No word yet whether Arnold knew that the swimmer was drowning, or if this was just a groping gone good.

Jimmy Fallon: The son of Libyan leader Moammar Kadaffi has invited Jews who were kicked out of his country in 1967 to come back, saying that Libya is their country, and their original homeland. A spokesman for Jews responded, [clarinet music plays; Jimmy imitates Woody Allen] “You know, I- I’d love to, you know, but I’ve already got plans to time travel back to Nazi Germany.” [applause]

Tina Fey: Bravo- [cracks up] Bravo is planning a spinoff of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” called “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl,” in which a group of gay men will help a heterosexual woman confirm her fears that she’s fat and disgusting.

Jennifer Lopez will be interviewed by James Lipton on “Inside the Actor’s Studio.” Even for James Lipton, that’s gonna be a lot of ass to kiss. [some applause]

The renowned Carnegie Deli in New York City failed its third health inspection in three months this week.

Jimmy Fallon: Aww man, I love the Carnegie! That- that’s where they have those huge sandwiches named after celebrities.

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: You know- you know they got a sandwich named after me, uh, the Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: Yeah, it’s 170 pounds of ham with a bad haircut.

[Cut to Kevin Eubanks, suddenly sitting next to Jimmy, holding his guitar]

Kevin Eubanks: [extended laughter] Oh, snap! Ha! Oh man, Jimmy! [laughter]

Jimmy Fallon: Wow, hilarious. Kevin Eubanks from “The Tonight Show,” everybody! [applause] Hilarious! That actually made you-

Kevin Eubanks: She got you, Jimmy! Ha! She got- 170 pounds of ham! [laughter]

Jimmy Fallon: That got you! That got you, been crackin’ you up, man. Hey, what are you, uh, what are you doing here, buddy?

Kevin Eubanks: I just can’t take it anymore! [laughs] I’m gonna snap, man! [laughs] I’m gonna snap!

Jimmy Fallon: Kevin Eubanks, everybody! [applause] Good to see you, man!

Tina Fey: [picture of Victoria’s Secret advertisement featuring Bob Dylan and a young girl] I think I finally figured out the message of the new Victoria’s Secret commercial. Buy our lingerie, or Bob Dylan will kill this model.

Ingvar Kamprad, the Swedish man who founded Ikea, has overtaken Bill Gates as the world’s richest man, with a fortune of 53 billion dollars. He plans to use the money to finally buy some nice furniture. [some applause]

Jimmy Fallon: On Tuesday, the Alabama senate voted to make whiskey the official state spirit. This replaces Alabama’s old official state spirit: racism. [some applause]

Tina Fey: It was reported- [pause] It was reported that Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are trying to have a third child together. Ugh, Michael Douglas, we get it! Your junk still works! Leave that poor lady alone!

Dutch eye surgeons have created “Jewel Eye,” which is a tiny bobble that is implanted in the thin membrane in front of the eyeball, which, though gross, is still better than Jewel teeth. [picture of pop singer Jewel and her bad teeth]

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a second! Wait a second. Jewel Eye?

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: Jewel Eye! That’s my favorite James Bond film!

[reaches to pick up a cordless microphone, stands up, and waves the mic like James Bond waving a gun. Bond movie-style music plays]

“Jewel Eye
Watch out for that thing in her eye
Mean guy
Gonna build a bomb, take away our jewels
Jewel Eyeeeee-yieeee, yeah!”

[applause]

For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Jimmy Fallon: Jewel Eye…

Tina Fey: Jewel Eye…

[fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

9/11 Briefing

Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Condoleeze Rice…..Janet Jackson
Kean…..

[ open on front exterior, White House ]

[ SUPER: “Thursday 8:00 am EDT” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Vice-President’s office, Dick Cheney on the phone with the President ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yes, Mr. President. Yes, Condoleeza testifies this morning. You’re right, she does have nothing to hide – that you know of. [ a pause ] What’s that? You have an idea? A new nickname for Kerry? [ a pause ] Flippy? ‘Cause he flip-flops. Th-th-that’s good. [ a pause ] Flippy the Flip-Flopper? Well, that may be a little long, sir. Yes. Yes, Floppy is also good. Yes, it is a difficult choice. I’ll await your decision, sir. But right now, Condi wanted to see me before the hearing, so — [ a beat ] She should try to work in “Flippy”? Alright, sir, she’s coming in. Thank you. [ hangs up ]

[ Condoleeze Rice enters ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Hello, Condi! It’s a big day. Please sit down.

Condoleeza Rice: Yes.. I —

Vice-President Dick Cheney: This is wonderful.

Condoleeza Rice: Yes, Mr. Vice-President, it is.. and, frankly, I’m still a little concerned about testifying in public.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Ah, it’s a piece of cake. You’re well-prepared. It’s all attitude. Just keep it upbeat, show me that Condi smile.

Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles, gap-tooth in check ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] That’s perfect! Show me the sneer, when a Democrat gets too specific!

Condoleeza Rice: [ sneers ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] That is excellent! You’re incredulous!

Condoleeza Rice: [ makes a stone-face ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Good. Good, good. Now, smile!

Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles wide, gap tooth showing ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] Condi, you are all set!

Condoleeza Rice: Really?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, uh.. here are a couple of words just to drop in anywhere. Uh.. “Systemic”.. “Historical”.. “Actionable”.. “Flippy the Flip-Flopper”. Work those in.

Condoleeza Rice: Sir, with all due respect, I’m still not certain how to address some of these facts.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Two words: “It’s classified!” ] chuckles ]

Condoleeza Rice: But they have information, like the titles of the President’s briefing on August 6th.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: No problem. What was that again?

Condoleeza Rice: “Bin Laden determined to attack inside the United States.”

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay, that’s bad. Uh.. alright, let’s practice. When they make you say that title, there’s going to be an audible gasp in the room. So you’ve gotta cough – cover up the gasp. Okay, let’s practice. “Miss Rice, can you tell us the name of the PDB?”

Condoleeza Rice: “Bin Laden determined to attack inside he United States.”

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ overdramatizes the audible gasps ]

Condoleeza Rice: [ coughs loudly, yet politely, into her hand ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: By God, that was good! But, you know, the gasp might be a little longer that that, so just count to 5 Mississippi.

Condoleeza Rice: Okay.. in fact, but does it work?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: The important thing is to get through it and get back on message: “Dick Clarke does heroin!” [ chuckles ]

Condoleeza Rice: What?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yeah, big time junkie! Popular guy in Thailansd.

Condoleeza Rice: And we can oprove this?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: I’d love to – but it’s classified!

Condoleeza Rice: [ stunned ] I-I-I’m sorry, Mr. Vice-President, but I-I-I still have my doubts..

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yeah, I know. But, if all else fails, I did have one other idea that I think would work.

Condoleeza Rice: Yes, please, what is that?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Well.. I think you should flash a boob.

Condoleeza Rice: [ dismayed ] Excuse me?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Just one headlight – real quick! [ chuckles ] See, it does two things – you win over the liberals, plus it’s a distraction for the press. You flash a bosom, I guarantee you that’s going to be the headline – not the Bin Laden thing! I guarantee it!

Condoleeza Rice: Sir, I was a Provost at Stanford. I am a concert-level pianist. I’ve read War And Peace in original Russian.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, loosen up, Condi, we’re talking about one fun bag! It’s perfectly natural!

Condoleeza Rice: [ stands ] I am not a prude, sir. But this hearing is not the forum for that kind of lewd conduct. There are other forums – like pay television, or national sporting championships. That would be fine, but I am the National Security Advisor.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: You’re right. I’m sorry. It was Ashcroft’s idea. [ chuckles ] Condi.. you’re going to be fine.

Condoleeza Rice: Thank you, sir. [ exits office ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ leans back in his chair ] Ooh, boy.. oh, boy..

[ dissolve to Hart Senate Office Building ]

[ dissolve to CNN footage of the investigation ]

[ SUPER: “9/11 Investigation – Kean Interviews Condoleeza Rice” ]

Kean: Thank you very much, Dr. Rice. I appreciate your statement, your attendance and your service.

Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles wide ]

Kean: I have a couple of questions. As we understand it, when you first came into office, you’d just been through a very difficult campaign .. you walk in and Dick Clarke is talking about al-Qaida should be our number-one priority .. What did you think, and what did you tell the president, as you get that kind of, I suppose, new information for you?

Condoleeza Rice: [ stammers, then pulls her shirt open, pixellated boob exposed ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

The Prince Show

Prince…..Fred Armisen
Beyonce…..Maya Rudolph
Paula Abdul…..Janet Jackson
Steve Harvey…..Kenan Thompson

Prince: Dearly beloved we are gathered her to get through this thing called my talk show. So dig if you will my co-host Miss Beyonce’ Knowles.

Beyonce: (singing) “Prince Show.”

Prince: (singing) “Everybody wants to be free.”

Beyonce: “The Prince Show.”

Prince: “..and ride in my limousine.”

Beyonce: “It’s the Prince Show.”

Prince: “Come take a ride with me.”

Both:
“Jump in under the waterfall
And climb the rainbow tree.”

(Prince whispers into Beyonce’s ear she interprets)

Beyonce: Prince wants everyone to know that he is excited about the show. He is, too, but He is too shy.

Voiceover: “The Prince Show,” with co-host Beyonce.

(The music continues, next we see Prince setting in a purple chair with Beyonce standing beside him.)

Prince: My first guest is forever my girl… please welcome Miss Paula Abdul.

Paula Abdul: Prince, your energy is wonderful to be around you are a true star. Don’t ever let anyone ever tell you any different.

Beyonce: Paula, your talking has scared Prince.

Paula Abdul: I’m sorry I just wanted him to know how charged up I was to be here

Prince: So, Paula, I wonder do you miss cheerleading?

Paula Abdul: Uhm, that is a tough one. I definately miss cheerleading. But, I don’t miss being not famous.

Prince: Paula, do you think a lover can be a friend?

Paula Abdul: As long as both spirits and energies match, it will work. They also need to not go through each other’s mail. Cuz that happened to me once and (said through clenched teeth) I WENT OFF!!!! (looks around) Where did Prince go?

Beyonce: Set still, Paula. Prince wants to paint your picture

Paula Abdul: I would be honored. I, I would be so, I would be so honored. Should I do one of my famous dance poses?

Beyonce: Uh, no. Prince wants you to go stand in that clam.

Paula Abdul: That one back there?

Beyonce: Uh huh, and Prince wants you to hold on to this giant pearl, too.

Paula Abdul: This pearl is beautiful. (big smile) And so unique.

Prince: Every court has a jester, and in My kingdom it’s Mr. Steve Harvey.

Steve Harvey: Heh heh heh woo heh heh heh! Now look, I don’t know about you but, I was at a Starbuck’s yesterday waiting in the line….. See Beyonce knows what I’m talking about. (Prince and Beyonce stare with blank looks on their faces) Anyway, I was behind a girl that had a butt that was SO big!

Prince: How big was it?

Steve Harvey: Her butt was so big people, mistaked it for a counter. I mean they were resting they coffees ON IT. It was a tip jar ON IT. People was putting they milk and Sugar ON IT. Doing up they coffee ON IT.

Paula Abdul: (from the clam still holding the giant pearl) You are a true gem. Your funny is so unique to you.

Beyonce: Uh oh, Prince has put on his wonder mask. Prince what do you see?

Prince: (singing)
“I see Rhonda and Kathy in the river
I see Kirk jammin’ in the studio
I seeeeeeeeee Tonie enjoying herself in the mirror
I see Suzanne in the nude eating cherries.”

Steve Harvey: Hey um, do you see me in there anywhere?

Prince: (still singing) “And I see Steve Harvey eating chips on his couch in his boxers.”

Steve Harvey: (interrupting) Heh heh, the thing about boxers they don’t support your stuff you be flappin’ around….. (looks around) Where, where did Prince go?

Beyonce: Prince wants everyone to see him cry. But don’t worry, it’s tears of joy, ‘cuz there is so much beauty in the world.

Prince: (music and Prince”crying” Prince pulls out a handkerchief and wipes his tears)

Paula Abdul: Excuse me.. (trying not to laugh) How long do I have to stand here and hold this? (breaking character by laughing)

Prince: Until you become delirious……. I’m through with this!

(Prince Show theme playing)

Beyonce: (Singing) “Prince Show.”

Prince: “Everyone wants to be free.”

Beyonce: “It’s Prince, YO!”

Prince: “..and ride in my limousine.”

Beyonce: “It’s Prince, oh.”

Prince: “Come take a ride with me.”

Prince, Beyonce & Paula Abdul: (singing)
“Jump in under the waterfall
And climb the rainbow tree.”

Steve Harvey: The rainbow tree.

Submitted by: Terry G. Mitchell

SNL Transcripts