(As we fade into the sketch, Johnny Cash, whos in heaven and holding a guitar, has his back to the camera. He turns around and speaks into a microphone.)
Johnny Cash: Hello Im the ghost of Johnny Cash.
[Plays a guitar riff]
You know just because Im dead doesnt mean I have a new record coming out. And its just in time for Christmas. Its a good album. I wont lie to you.
[Singing]”Its not as wonderfulAs being here in heavenWith my wife June my ma and pa.And Jesus!”
[Talking]
That said its a pretty damn good record. Isnt that funny? They let you say damn in heaven.
(Cashs record “flies” in. Cash moves over to make room for it.)
Anyway, the new record is what they call a box set.
Its five CDs of
(Darrell Hammond looks at the obviously cheap record hanging from thin wires. He looks at the audience and is about to laugh but manages to hold it in.)
unreleased music called “Cash On Earth.” (Hammonds voice cracks when he says “Earth”)
(The record flies away. Cash looks up as the record flies away)
I like that title.
Its kind of ironic.
[Singing]
“Because Im dead.”
[Talking]
Some of you might not have heard about it, cause John Ritter died the same day.
But I understand.
I loved “Threes Company”.
What the hell.
[Singing]
“Im happy up here in heaven.”
[Talking]
When I first got here St. Peter gave me guff about being dressed in black.
I told him I wasnt changing and he went and got Jesus.
We had some words and finally decided to go behind the pearly gates and settle it by leg wrestling.
Needless to say Jesus beat me two out of three times.
[Singing]”So I grabbed my gearAnd I was getting ready to goDownDownDownTo that burning ring of fire.”
[Talking]
But Jesus placed his hand on my shoulder
And turned me around and said he was just messing with me.
Turns out Waylon Jennings put him up to it.
We all shared a good laugh over that
And guess what
Last night I jammed with Jimi Hendrix
[Plays a rock guitar riff à la Jimi Hendrix]
Whoo!!
The night before it was John Lennon
And today I started to record with the killer himself Mr. Jerry Lee Lewis
But the had to leave
Turns out he was just in a deep sleep.
Who woulda thunk
[Singing]
“He would outlive me?”
[Talking]
Well, I got to go.
I think you’re going to enjoy “Cash on Earth.”
It makes a perfect stocking stuffer.
And hopefully it would tide you over until I see you up here.
Gods a cool guy
He lets almost everyone in.
I even saw one of my ex-business managers up here.
If that guy can get in
[Singing]
“I think youll do okay.”
[Talking]
Ill see you later
Im the ghost of Johnny Cash
(He plays guitar riff and turns around with the arm he played the riff in the air.)
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 29: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests:
December 6th, 2003 Rev. Al Sharpton Pink Tracy Morgan Paris Hilton A Message From the President of NBC EntertainmentSummary: Because the Rev. Al Sharpton is hosting “Saturday Night Live”, NBC President Jeff Zucker (Jimmy Fallon) outlines equal-time programming for the other Democratic candidates. Recurring Characters: Jeff Zucker. Transcript
MontageNote: This episode didn’t air in New Hampshire, Iowa, and three other states because they hosted early presidential primaries. “The Best of Steve Martin” aired in its place, and those markets were unable to view the episode until NBC finally reran it on July 31, 2004.
Rev. Al Sharpton’s MonologueSummary: The Rev. Al Sharpton’s younger self (Tracy Morgan) criticizes his growth as a human being. Recurring Characters: Rev. Al Sharpton. Bio: A man of many hats, the Rev. Al Sharpton (1954-) has been a civil rights activist, a minister, a would-be politician, and a tour manager for James Brown in the 1970’s. Transcript
Mom JeansSummary: The jeans with the shapely fit that says you’re a mom, not a woman. Note: Repeat from 05/10/03. Note: Originally, the commercial parody advertised itself for Mother’s Day, which has now been dubbed over to advertise itself for Christmas.
Michael Jackson on a RollercoasterSummary: Michael Jackson (Amy Poehler) rides on a roller coaster with Johnny Cochran (Rev. Al Sharpton), Elizabeth Taylor (Rachel Dratch), and a stranger (Horatio Sanz). Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson, Johnny Cochran, Elizabeth Taylor. Transcript
Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) is joined by his equally child-minded brother, Ryan Fellow (Rev. Al Sharpton). Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow. Transcript
Three Wise MenSummary: A cop on camelback (Jimmy Fallon) pulls over the Three Wise Men (Rev. Al Sharpton, Kenan Thompson, Tracy Morgan) for suspicious activities in the desert. Transcript
Pink performs “Trouble”Bio: Pink (1979-) began her career as an R&B and hip-hop musician, but shifted over to pop rock in order to gain creative control over her work.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey make fun of the cities that aren’t airing SNL tonight. Jimmy Fallon uses double entendres to interview Paris Hilton. Transcript
StereotypesSummary: Black stereotypes are exploited for laughs in the filming of a movie in 1935. Transcript
Reverend Al Sharpton’s Casa de SushiSummary: Even though the Rev. Al Sharpton doesn’t like sushi, he has no qualms about selling it to consumers. Transcript
Democratic CandidatesSummary: John Edwards (Will Forte) hosts an SNL-viewing party for his fellow Democratic hopefuls. Recurring Characters: Richard Gephardt, John Kerry, Joe Lieberman, John Edwards. Transcript
Pink performs “God Is A D.J.”
The LaToya Jackson ShowSummary: Joe Jackson (Rev. Al Sharpton) looks down on LaToya Jackson (Maya Rudolph) and her scatterbrained life. Recurring Characters: LaToya Jackson, Joe Jackson.
Cab RideSummary: Vasquez (Horatio Sanz) gives Rev. Al Sharpton a ride in his cab. Recurring Characters: Vasquez.
CryogenixSummary: People have their heads frozen now, in preparation of the cures that will come in the future. Note: 03e 11/08/03
Unearthed: Cash On EarthSummary: The late Johnny Cash (Darrell Hammond) releases his new CD box set direct from Heaven. Recurring Characters: Johnny Cash. Transcript
Head Scientist…..Chris Parnell Dave Clinger…..Seth Meyers Sheila…..Maya Rudolph Dr. Greg Burns…..Alec Baldwin
[ open on interior, planetarium ]
Head Scientist: Thank you all for coming here on such short notice. As you probably know, a recent diagnostic test of the Gray’s II satellite, has revealed a flaw in its orbit computer. We’ve assembled you – the finest minds in the field – to find a solution. So.. get acquainted, get to know each other, and.. let’s get to work. Any questions?
Dave Clinger: Ah, I have a question, it’s about your haircut. When exactly did Brillo Pads start making toupees? [ laughs ] You just got zinged! [ mimes gunslinger actions ]
Head Scientist: I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure.
Dave Clinger: Uhhhh.. the name’s Dave Clinger, but my friends call me Dave “Zinger”, on account of my awesome, awesome zings!
Head Scientist: Um.. nice to meet you. Now, back to the satellite. I’d like to open up the floor for suggestions, and time is of the essence.
Sheila: Is there any way to increase the thrust?
Dave Clinger: Yeah! Play some Teddy Pendergrass and pour me some Margaritas! [ laughs ] You got zinged, too! [ mimes Zorro moves ] The mark! Of Zingo! Zing!
Sheila: What are you doing?
Dave Clinger: Oh! [ chuckles ] It’s just I’ve been told I’m really good at zings! So, when I have a good one, I do something afterwards, just to let everyone know that a.. really good zing has happened!
Head Scientist: That’s great. Can we continue?
Dave Clinger: I don’t know, can we? Mini-zing, bing! Keep going.
Head Scientist: [ sighs ] As I was saying.. if we can’t find a solution to this within 48 hours, we may lose serious torque.
[ Dr. Greg Burns enters the room ]
Dr. Greg Burns: Serious torque? All I see is a roomful of serious dorks! [ chuckles, then mimes an explosion ] You’re burrrrrrned!
Head Scientist: And, whom might you be?
Dr. Greg Burns: I’m Dr. Greg Burns, but my friends called me Greg “Burn”, on account of all the burnage!
[ music sting, as Clinger steps forward ]
Dave Clinger: Burn.
Dr. Greg Burns: Zinger.
Dave Clinger: I heard you were out of the zinger game. I heard you retired, and they named Second Place after you. [ mimes bow and arrow ] Ziiiing!
Dr. Greg Burns: Nice burn, Zinger. By the way, you still owe me that rent check, since you spend all your time living in my shadow! [ chuckles, then mimes rubbing two sticks together to create fire ] You’re burrrrrrned!
Dave Clinger: Yeah, uh, uh.. I’ve been meaning to send you that rent check. I want to make sure it gets to you, though, so uh.. is “Dickwad” one word or two? [ mimes cellphone ringing ] Excuse me for one moment. [ answers imaginary cellphone ] Hello? Yeah, no.. he’s here. [ to Burn ] It’s for you.
Dr. Greg Burns: [ takes the imaginary cellphone ] Hello?
Dave Clinger: Hi, this is the Operator – you’ve just been zinged!
Head Scientist: Gentlemen, please! Could you keep it down?!
Dr. Greg Burns: Ohhh, he’ll have no problem keeping it down, since he can’t keep it up! [ chuckles, mimes pouring coffee ] Glug-glug-glug.. ohhh, this coffee is too hot, would you mind holding it, please, for a minute? [ Clinger takes the imaginary cup ] Yeah. Hey, what time is it? [ Clinger turns the imaginary cup over to look at his watch, spilling the imaginary coffee on his pants ] Burrrrrrrrn!!
Dr. Greg Burns: [ outraged ] Gentlemen! This cannot continue! We have important work to do here! I’m going to have to demand.. that you guys have a Best of 3 Zing/Burn Off, with the winner declared Zingmaster.
Dr. Greg Burns: [ defensive ] Or Burnmaster!
Head Scientist: My apologies. Or Burnmaster. And, then we can get back to the business of saving this billion-dollar satellite.
Dr. Greg Burns: I’m sure this won’t be too hard.
Dave Clinger: [ mimicking ] “I’m sure this won’t be too hard“? Isn’t that what you said to your wife on your honeymoon? [ laughs, then mimes casting out a fishing line and pulling in a big one ] Whoa-oa, stay still.. [ holds up his imaginary fish in front of Dr. Burns, then mimes taking a snapshot ] Smile! [ displays the imaginary photo ] See? It’s me, it’s you.. and you’ve just been ZINGED!! Don’t even think about trying to touch this!!
Dr. Greg Burns: [ mimicking ] “Don’t even think about touching this“? Isn’t that what it says on the picture of your crotch at the free clinic?! [ laughs triumphantly, then mimes chainsawing a tree down ] Timberrrrrrrrrnn!!
Sheila: Sir.. we should really focus on the satellite —
Head Scientist: Not now, Sheila!! It’s 1 to 1 – the next Zinger or Burn decides it!
[ dramatic music, as Clinger and Burns consider their next zing or burn ]
Dave Clinger: STOP!! [ a beat ] I can’t take this war. We’re supposed to be scientists, working together for the common good.
Dr. Greg Burns: Nice try, Zinger. You can’t fool me.
Dave Clinger: I’m serious! We meed to put aside our petty difference, and work together. For once.. let Burns.. and Zinger stand side by side.
Dr. Greg Burns: Wow, Zinger. I never thought I’d say this.. but you’re a pretty good guy. [ puts his arm around Clinger ]
Dave Clinger: Whoaaaaaa!! Burns! If you want to make out with me, you’d better buy me a drink first! [ laughs, then mimes playing basketball ] Ohhh, he was fouled! [ mimes taking a basketball free shot ] Swish! Four-point zing! Yyyyyyyeahh!!
Dr. Greg Burns: You win this time, Zing! But I’ll be back!
[ Clinger continues shoooting his basketball zings ]
Head Scientist: Well, why don’t we move on to the next room, so we can.. discuss the business of this very important satellite.
[ the scientists exit to the next room, as Clinger continues to mime shooting basketball zings ]
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey …..Will Forte …..Fred Armisen Voice of Christian Slater…..Jimmy Fallon
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.
The UN nuclear watchdog group said in a confidential report Monday, that it has found on evidence of an atomic bomb program in Iran. Leaving the U.S. no choice but to attack!
On Sunday, al Gore called for an appeal of the U.S. Patriot Act, and accused President Bush’s administration of undermining civil liberties and exploiting public fears about terrorism. And then, as always, the cashier nodded and gave him his Big Mac.
Jimmy Fallon: In a Veteran’s Day speech this Tuesday, President Bush vowed: “We will finish the mission we have begun – period.” Afterwards, he was advised that, in the future, he doesn’t have to read the punctuation marks.
Singer Wynona Judd was arrested this week for driving under the influence. A test of her blood revealed an alcohol content of 1.75, and a gravy content of 3.40.
Tina Fey: That’s above the legal limit.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, too much gravy!
Tina Fey: When asked to comment on the massive rain and hailstorms that hit southern California this week, Governor-Elect Arnold Schwarzenegger said, [ in Arnold voice ] “Ze hailstorms are fantastic! I promised you more action, and I delivered! We had fires, we had the ice! Now that Jerry Bruckheimer’s working on ‘Tsnami’, we’re going to make California the #1 action state in the vorld!”
This January, Kevin Costner will be honored by the Palm Springs International Film Festival, for his contribution to film. This gives costner just two months to make a contribution to film.
Jimmy Fallon: Justin Guarini, from “American Idol”, has been sued by a couple after he allegedly rammed into the back of their car. Fortunately, Guarini avoided injury, thanks to his driver-side hair bag.
Tina Fey: As many of you know, an illicit sex tape, starring Paris Hilton, hit the internet this week. Here with a review, is our own Will Forte.
Will Forte: Thanks, Tina. Thank you. You know, I’ve seen this tape, and I’ve gotta say, I found it kinda boring. And I’m not making a snap judgment here. I’ve wathced it, lik,e 80-90 times, and I just don’t see what all the hype is about. Fortunately, America, there’s another celebrity sex tape about to hit the streets, that is so hot, it’ll melt your VCR. Presenting: The Will Forte Sex Tape. [ holds up video box ]
Tina Fey: You have a celebrity sex tape?
Will Forte: Fine, Tina – semi-celebrity sex tape. But this baby is sure to make me a big star! Roll it.
Tina Fey: No, no! Don’t roll it —
Will Forte: Roll it!
[ cut to video of Will Forte dancing naked (with a big black dot over his privates) in a hotel room. He performs a naked Thighmaster routine, and even pours honey over his chest and privates. ]
[ video shifts to Will adjusting the camera ]
Will Forte: Perfect!
[ Will hops back into the bed, where Fred Armisen waits ]
Tina Fey V/O: Oh, that’s Fred..
[ on video, Will and Fred almost kiss, until Will interrupts the thought ]
Will Forte: Fred, why don’t you face that way, so you can see how pretty you look.
[ Fred Armisen movies closer to the camera to pose ]
[ fade back to the Update desk ]
Tina Fey: Wow..
Will Forte: You’re welcome, everyone! You’re welcome! And that’s just a small sample of what you’ll get for only $79.95, available at Best Buy.
Tina Fey: You can buy this at Best Buy?!
Will Forte: Fine – the sidewalk outside of Best Buy. See you thee, sex tape fans!
Tina Fey: Will Forte, everyone!
Jimmy Fallon: Jethro Tull was removed from the playlist of a classic rock station in New Jersey, after lead singer Ian Anderson criticized people hanging American flags in their cars. Apparently, listeners are so mad they’re flushing their flutes odwn the toilet.
[ flute riff from “Teacher” plays ]
Flute-rock, Tina! You don’t know anything about it, never! You never get it, ever!
Tina Fey: You’re right.. I don’t.
The owners of our very own building, Rockefeller Center, have announced plans to reopen the building’s 70th floor observation deck, which has been closed to the public for 17 years. I guess that means that Tom Brokaw and I will have to find a new place to secretly make love.
In an interview with W Magazine, Joan Rivers compared plastic surgery to car maintenance, saying you have to do it every two years. But, even for a car, she looks awful!
Jimmy Fallon: Christina Aguilera cancelled two concerts in England, saying that she has acute bronchitis. Actually, it used to be cute, but now it’s just kind of a-skanky.
Tina Fey: Christian Slater’s wife, Ryan Hadden, was arrested and charged with domestic battery Minday, after hitting Slater on the head with a glass during a fight at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Resort, giving him nine stitches. On the phone now, to comment about his ordeal, is Christian Slater. Christian, uh.. are you there? How you doing?
Christian Slater: Greetings and salutations, Tina. It’s been quite an ordeal for me. I’m just, uh.. sitting here recovering at home, with my good friend Jack Nicholson.
Tina Fey: Oh, wait? Jack Nicholson is there? Well, let me talk to him!
Christian Slater: Hold on, uh, let me get him, okay?
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hello?
Tina Fey: Hello! Mr. Nicholson?
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, how are you doing?
Tina Fey: I’m fine, thank you! Jack, what do you think about Christian being attacked by his wife?
Christian Slater: No, this is still Christian Slater. I haven’t passed the phone to Jack yet, I can’t find him. Oh wait, here he is! Hold on!
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hello?
Tina Fey: Hello!
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, how are you?
Tina Fey: Oh, hey! Jack Nicholson! Hi! Great!
Christian Slater: No, this is still Christian.. Jack walked over to the damn kitchen, here he comes back now. I can’t believe my wife hit me on the head with a glass.
Tina Fey: Are we gonna talk to Jack Nicholson?
Christian Slater: Sure, sure.. here he is.
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, Tina. How are you?
Tina Fey: Who am I talking to right now?
Faux Jack Nicholson: This is Jack Nicholson.
Tina Fey: Okay. Hi, Jack.
Christian Slater: Just kidding! It’s Christian Slater! I don’t know where Jack is. Look, I gotta go, I got a.. headache, because my wife threw a glass at me at the Hard Rock Casino. Bye, Tina~
Tina Fey: Alright, okay. Christian Slater, and not Jack Nicholson, everybody.
Jimmy Fallon: Actress Demi Moore turned 40 on Tuesday, but she feels like a 25 year old inside.
Tina Fey: Ohhhhhh!
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! I did that! Yeah! I did that!
Tina Fey: The judge in the Rosie O’Donnell breach of contract suit ruled Wednesday that neither Rosie nor her publisher was entitled to any damages. Even so, Rosie didn’t go home entirely empty-handed.
Jimmy Fallon: According to new research, monkeys whose ovaries were removed ate 67% more food than other monkeys. This may explain why many women gain weight after menopause, and why I can’t get my fat monkey pregnant.
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
Tony Bennett….Alec Baldwin Pat Malonowski….Horatio Sanz Robert Durst….Fred Armisen
[Opens with THE TONY BENNETT LOGO. Swanky suite at a Las Vegas hotel]
Announcer: Its The Tony Bennett Show. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Bennett.
[Tony comes out with a mic on his hand]
Tony Bennett: Hello everybody! [sings] I love things that are great. Good things are fantastic, guess what? I also paint, just a hobby nothing drastic. But one thing’s for sure, I love things, sca-dooba-da-beepop! That are gre-e-e-e-eat! Yeah! Hey! Hey, everybody! Thank you so very much. Today we got a terrific, terrific, terrific show for you. [sits] We got a whole bunch of great, great stuff. Later on, we’re gonna be mellowing out with Fat Joe, one of the great fellows singing out there today. He and I recently performed together at the Ethnic Doings at the Central Florida fairgrounds. A big guy with a big voice. But first I’d like you to meet my sidekick today on The Tony Bennett Show. I sat next to this businessman fellow on a flight to Phoenix and he made me laugh so hard I almost whizzed in my dockers. Please welcome, Pat Malonowski.
[Pat comes out, sits next to Tony]
Tony Bennett: Pat, I’m already laughing.
Pat Malonowski: Hey, Tony. Its great to be here.
Tony Bennett: I’ve worked beside a lot of comics over the years and this guy cracked up my walnuts better than any of them.
Pat Malonowski: Well, that’s real nice of you.
Tony Bennett: Hey, tell ’em that joke, Pat.
Pat Malonowski: Which one?
Tony Bennett: The one that made me spit my whiskey sour straight out of my nose.
Pat Malonowski: Oh, gosh. I don’t think there is an appropriate way to tell that one on tv.
Tony Bennett: That’s a real shame, Pat. Its a great, great joke. Couldn’t you maybe change up a few of the words a little bit? Change that one word to “kitty cat”. And that other word to “rooster sucker”.
Pat Malonowski: I probably shouldn’t there, Tony.
Tony Bennett: I guess you’re right. I’m glad you’re here anyway. I’d like to bring out my first guest. He’s a millionaire who chopped up his neighbor in their apartment complex. Some people seem to have a beef with that. He just won the big court case so I bet he’s got some pep in his step. Please welcome, Robert Durst. [Creepy white haired dude comes in, sits] Thank you for coming, Robert. You look great. Hey, that’s a real top-notch sport-coat. James Garner, I mean, eat your heart out.
Robert Durst: Oh why, thank you.
Tony Bennett: So how’s it going?
Robert Durst: Well, better now. I was a little scared there for a while.
Tony Bennett: Now, uh, you chopped up your neighbor! Tell us about that.
Robert Durst: Well, he raged at me. And as I was defending myself, I fell and accidentally…chopped him up.
Tony Bennett: Man, that’s outta sight. Now, I’m a pretty laid-back kind of guy. But I’ve had my own gripes with my neighbors over the years. You know, one summer I lived next door to Richie Sambora at Big Bear Lake. And this dude had a tropical bird the size of Chita Rivera that just wouldn’t stop squawking.
Robert Durst: Oh, that would wear me out.
Tony Bennett: You telling me Robert. Now, what’s the scoop on this first wife of yours that went missing? Did you chop her up too?
Robert Durst: I had absolutely nothing to do with that…
Tony Bennett: Hey, Robert. hold that thought on the chopping up your missing wife business. I gotta mention one of our sponsors. [holds a maxi-pad package] Stayfree Super Maxi-pads with 4-walls protection. Robert, do you mind? [Robert holds the maxi-pads] In my book, all ladies should look like Angie Dickinson. That’s why its a shame when their monthlies keep them from wearing cream-colored pantsuits. You know, I once made love to Angie Dickinson for 7 hours! Then a security guard came in and said: “Mr. Bennett, Madame Tussuad’s is closing”.[throws maxi-pads away] Anyway, we’re back with Robert Durst. Now, they also say that you’re something of a cross-dresser.
Robert Durst: Well, you know, on occasion. I have dressed in women’s clothing…accidentally, yes.
Tony Bennett: Well, I think its just great when you can put on women’s clothes, have a fight with a neighbor who rages at you, chop him up and then you both just say “uncle”. You know, I still regret not clearing things up with Richie Sambora. Sometimes I think that’s why I have trouble sleeping. In fact, I’ll just call him up right now and try to get the whole thing over with. [picks up phone] Our friends at AT&T will connect me. [phone rings]
Richie Sambora: [over the phone] Yeah? Yeah?
Tony Bennett: Is this Richie Sambora?
Richie Sambora: Yeah, who is this?
Tony Bennett: This is your neighbor, Tony Bennett. I got a beef with your bird.
Richie Sambora: I’m sorry. Who is this?
Tony Bennett: [hangs up] I heard it. He said: “I’m sorry”. That’s what I’ve been waiting for 12 years. A simple apology from Richie Sambora. Isn’t it great, Robert, when it all works out in the end?
Robert Durst: It’s so great. It really is the best.
Pat Malonowski: Hey, I just figured out how I can tell that joke.
Tony Bennett: Fantastic. Take it away, Pat! You cats are gonna love this one.
Pat Malonowski: All right. Here we go. This guy walks into a prostitution house and says: “You have any Asian kitty cat that can handle my giant rooster?” [embarrassed] Hey, you know what, I can’t tell that joke.
Tony Bennett: Pat, you know, you still killed me with that one on the plane. Hey, what do say you guys, we get up there and we sing a little something for our friends, huh? Come on.
[Robert and Pat have mics along with Tony]
Tony Bennett, Robert and Pat: [singing] I don’t believe in fretting or grieving, why mess around with strife? I never was cut out to stamp or strut out, give me the simple life.
Tony Bennett: Fat Joe, I’m gonna have to catch you on the flipside. I wanna say thanks to my guests Robert the neighbor chopper, Angie Dickinson, Richie Sambora, those maxi-pads with 4-wall protection and crazy Pat, the rooster sucker!
Tony, Robert and Pat: [singing] I find it pleasant dining on pheasant those things roll off my knife, and serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes give me-e-e-e-e-e….the simple li-i-i-i-i-ife!
Randy: [ laughs ] I’m, uh.. I’m sure my co-workers will be here in a.. in a moment. I had no idea.. [ laughs ] I had no idea it was going to be this cold this morning! Did anybody else.. try to play golf? Because it was.. it was cold! [ chuckles ] I’m sure they’ll be here any second..
[ the door opens, and in walks the two co-workers, each looking rather disheveled and unkempt ]
Randy: Oh! Thanks goodness, here they are!
Katie: Hello, good morning.
Ray: ..Good morning.
Randy: Hey, you guys – this is Katie Platt and Ray Fatone. They’ve prepared a presentation, outlining our national sales strategies. Ray? Katie? Take it away! Fantastic!
Katie: [ sighs ] Before we get started.. does anybody have any Pepto tablets? [ no response ] No one? No one. Great. Okay, start.
Ray: Did you, uh —
Katie: I told you ten times, I don’t care! Just go ahead!
Ray: Well, why don’t you just finish your coffee, and then we’ll —
Katie: I told you, I can’t finish my coffee because I’m nauseous!
Ray: Uhh.. hello, everyone —
Katie: Oh, man.. turning on the charm..
Ray: Uhh.. this year has been one of the biggest years Keen Corp. has ever seen, in terms of growth. Uh.. want to give me a hand here, please?
Katie: Sure. [ clears her throat ]
Ray: I want to, uh.. apologize for this handwritten chart because of.. certain circumstances. Katie’s computer, uh.. got ruined, so uh – long story short: we do not have a Powerpoint presentation for you today —
Katie: No.
Ray: — but we feel that we are perfectly capable of walking you through this. In fact, uh.. in many ways, uh.. this chart says exactly what we want it to say. So, just take a few minutes to scan this, and uh.. [ turns to Katie ] Katie? Can I talk to you for a minute, please?
Katie: Sure.
Ray: Yeah.
[ they step behind their homemade presentation board for some privacy ]
Ray: I just want you to know that, uh.. I had a really good time last night..
Katie: [ angry ] Oh! Don’t even! So you have no idea where my bra went?!
Ray: Well, how do I know where your bra went?!
Katie: You took it off me!
Ray: It’s probably in the pool.. or in my rental car, or in your rental car!
Katie: Well, let me tell you something. It is.. it is a new bra! And it’s the only one I have for the whole weekend! So —
[ fearful of being missed, Ray and Katie step out from behind their presentation to re-adress the room ]
Ray: Uh.. uh.. uh.. so, uh.. as you can see from this chart.. the Keen Corporation has, uh.. gone above and beyond all expectations.
Katie: [ remembering ] Oh! You know what, it’s on the balcony.
Randy: Uh, what’s that, Katie?
Katie: Uhhh.. I’m sorry. I just remembered where I.. put something.
Randy: Listen, do you guys need a minute? Because, uh.. the food’s here, we could take a little break..?
Katie: Nooooo! Let’s just power through this!
Randy: Fantastic!
Katie: Okay. Um.. our number one goal this year, at Keen Corp. — [ turns to Ray ] You know, can I talk to you for a second?
Ray: Sure.
[ they step behind their homemade presentation board for more privacy ]
Katie: F.Y.I. and P.S.! I am capable of having a night of sex without any emotional committment!
Ray: Well, I can see that, because you’re handling it quite well!
Katie: You didn’t have any problem with how I was handling it last night!
Ray: I think you should turn up the volume! Everyone at Keen Corp can hear you!
Katie: You are a royal pig!
Ray: Ssshhhh!
[ Randy peeks in ]
Randy: We can do this later, if you guys want more time to —
Ray: Randy!!
Randy: Fantastic.
[ Ray and Katie step back out ]
Ray: Are you implying that I started what happened last night?
Katie: Well, that Prince CD didn’t just start playing by itself!
Ray: Ohhhh! And I suppose a gust of wind blew your clothes off!
Katie: Oh, give me a break! You were the one who told me I look like Jewel! And that you have the hots for Jewel!
Ray: For crying out loud! After ten beers, my mom looks like Jewel!
Randy: I think I should tell you two that your behavior is really inappropriate! Now, look! We are paying.. to have you here at this nice hotel. So, either straighten out and give this presentation, or get out of here and stop embarrassing yourselves!
Ray: I’m sorry, Randy..
Katie: Sorry, Randy..
Ray: Uh..
Katie: Hey! [ chuckles ]
Ray: [ looks at everyone ] What?!
Katie: Yeah! Right! I man, we’ve all gotten rip-assed drunk and scrumped a co-worker, right?
[ no response ]
Ray: I mean, look.. the only two things – okay, four things that we did wrong last night were, uh: cheating on our spouses, drinking and driving, not completing the presentation, and having unprotected sex. So freakin’ what?!
Katie: Yeah. Sorry for being human! [ laughs ]
Ray: So, here’s how this presentation is going to go down: we’ll finish what we have left, and everyone’s gonna shut up.. and listen. Because here’s my presentation.
[ soft music pots up ]
This woman – one Katie Platt – has singlehandedly put the spice back into my bland, sorry excuse for a life! She makes me laugh from my gut, she can drink me under the table.. and, even though she hates her body, she’s a hellcat in the sack!
Katie: [ touched ] Oh, my God.. that’s so sweet! and, even though I’m incredibly nauseous right now, I want you again!
Ray: You don’t have to ask me twice, my lady!
[ Ray pushes Katie onto the table, then climbs onboard to pleasure her ]
Katie: Ahhhhhh, yes!
[ all the executives dash out of the room, except for one frumpy-looking female executive. Randy decides to make his move on her ]
Randy: Hey, you want to go somewhere and.. work on a presentation? I’ve got some Bacardi Breezers in my fridge, and.. you know who you look like? Shania Twain.
Announcer…..Chris Parnell Harvey Fierstein…..Alec Baldwin Dancer…..Chris Parnell Gerard…..Kenan Thompson Tamara Kind…..Maya Rudolph Sir Ian McKellen…..Seth Meyers
[ Techno music plays. On a black screen, the logos of each program are shown ]
Announcer: This November, from the network that brought you Boy Meets Boy and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Bravo is proud to present Tony Award winner Harvey Fierstein …
[ The music changes as we fade to a logo of a gyrating pink phallic-shaped train on a track, topped with a little purple phallic-shaped smoke stack shooting rainbows ]
Announcer: … in what will be their most homosexual show yet!
[ Fade to Harvey Fierstein in a club full of male dancers, holding a microphone with the show’s logo, Gay Train ]
Harvey Fierstein:GAAAAAAAAAAAAY TRAAAAAAAAAIN!
[ Zoom out and in on the male dancers, some of whom are shirtless. Switch back to the pink train logo, now with the show’s name ]
Announcer: Just like Soul Train, only gay! And with Harvey Fierstein.
[ Back to Harvey ]
Harvey Fierstein: Got your ticket? Get on board, ’cause the Gay Train is comin’ into your station, choo choo!
[ The camera floats among the male dancers ]
Announcer: All aboard Bravo’s Gay Train! And it’s not just dancing, it’s fashion, too! Because no one knows gays like Bravo, and no one knows fashion like gay guys!
[ Cut to Harvey interviewing a clubber ]
Harvey Fierstein: What’s your name and what are you wearing?
Gerard: My name is Gerard, and I am wearing John Varvatos.
Harvey Fierstein: Did you just roll your eyes at me?
Gerard: I did NOT roll my eyes!
Harvey Fierstein: Yes you did, you tired queen! I don’t know what you’re up to, but don’t try it! I’ll read you like the back of a can of frosting! [ pinches Gerard’s nipple and chuckles ]
[ Switch back to the pink train logo with the show’s name ]
Announcer: Could it get any gayer than that? Bravo says yes!
[ A CD cover takes up the screen: “Touch of Kindness,” by Tamara Kind ]
Announcer: By introducing some of the hottest vocalists in the gay club scene!
[ Back to Harvey ]
Harvey Fierstein: Okay, people, put your hands together for Tamara Kind!
[ Applause. Her techno-pop song begins … ]
Tamara Kind: [ spoken intro ] All queens please report to the front desk. You have a call. A very important call.
[ singing ] Flaw-less! Un-relentlessly flawless! Unforgivably, I’m flawless! In my Devons she-dungarees, Wo-oh-oh-ah-oh-oooooohhhh … GAY!
[ The song ends, and everyone cheers ]
Harvey Fierstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go, Tamara Kind! You heard it here first on GAAAAAAAAYYYY TRAAAAAAAIIIN!
[ Switch to the red background where the train logo was before. Photos are shown of George Michael, Rob Halford, Melissa Etheridge, and Rupert Everett ]
Announcer: Exclusive, in-depth interviews with hot gay celebrities!
[ Back to Harvey, doing the bump with Sir Ian McKellen. Both are holding microphones ]
Harvey Fierstein: Sir Ian McKellen, welcome to Gay Train!
Sir Ian McKellen: Thanks. It’s my new fave show.
Harvey Fierstein: I saw ya eyeballin’ some of the Gay Train dancers!
Sir Ian McKellen: So many cute boys, so much of an age difference!
Harvey Fierstein: Ha! Very funny, Gandalf! Let’s get serious, what’s your favorite Dolly Parton movie? 9 to 5 or Straight Talk?
Sir Ian McKellen: [ shrugs ] Eh. That’s a puzzler.
[ Switch to a different version of the train logo – the pink train has been replaced with a bigger, black train. The words “November” and the Bravo logo appear. ]
Announcer: This November, coming to Bravo …
[ Back to Harvey ]
Harvey Fierstein: [ zero in on his face ] GAAAAAAAAAAAAY TRAAAAAAAAAIN!
The Falconer…..Will Forte Gambler…..Alec Baldwin Blackjack Dealer…..Kenan Thompson Craps Dealer…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into ther forest. Now, he is known only as.. The Falconer!
[ dissolve to forest scene, The Falconer hanging upside down as Donald flaps beside him ]
The Falconer: Ohh, Donald! That tap we set for the coyote has caught yours truly instead! For four days, I have dangled here like a urine-soaked pinata! If only a gaggle of Mexican children weilding sticks would come along and put me out of my misery!
Falcon: [ squawks in protest ]
The Falconer: That’s not racist! Pinatas are of Mexican origin!
Falcon: [ squawks in protest again ]
The Falconer: Fine! A gaggle of children of all creeds and colors! Look! Just go! Get me a knife! an ax! Anything I can use to cut this rope! Hurry! I, Ken Mortimer, must liiiiiiiive!!!
[ Falcon flies into the air in search of a sharp tool; close-up of his steadfast face ]
[ Falcon flies before a wall with arrows pointing in opposite directions. Right arrow points to a store that sells sharp cutting tools; left arrow points to a casino. Falcom almost flies right, but turns left when he hears the fun sounds coming from the casino. ]
[ Falcon lands at Gambler’s side at the blackjack table ]
Gambler: I don’t know if I’d join this table, stranger. I’ve busted nine times in a row.
Blackjack Dealer: Blackjack!
Gambler: Ohhhh! Looks like you’re my lucky charm, Falcon! What do you say we go hit the town, huh? I’m up for anything!
Falcon: [ screech ]
Gambler: What? Oh, let me rephrase that: Anything except Celine Dion.
[ Falcon and Gambler exit from the blackjack table ]
[ dissolve ot Falcon pulling slot machine lever and winning big, screeching with joy ]
[ dissolve to craps table ]
Craps Table Attendee: Here’s $5,000 in chips.. and here’s your credit card.. Mr. Ken Mortimer.
Falcon: [ screeches ]
Gambler: Come on! Roll me a hard 6!
[ Falcon rolls the dice ]
Craps Table Attendee: Winner!
Falcon: [ screeches ]
Gambler: [ surrounded by young woman and old woman ] Hey, what say we go back to my room with these broads and party!
[ dissolve to Gambler’s hotel room ]
Gambler: Better fuel up, Falcon. Vegas is open all night.
[ Falcon cuts razor blade across cocaine, sniffs it through a $20 bill, then hallucinates and screeches in high-pitched tones ]
[ dissolve to Falcon lying in bed with Gambler and the two women ]
Gambler: You were great, Falcon! And you weren’t bad, either.
Falcon: [ screeches ]
Gambler: Don’t worry, Falcon – whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
[ Falcon flies off ]
Gambler: [ to the old woman ] You remind me of my 1st grade teacher..
Old Woman: Really?
[ dissolve back to the forest, where upside-down Falconer is being pelted with sticks by Mexican children ]
The Falconer: Nooo! Por favor! Noooo!! Por favor!!
Falconer: [ swoops in and screeches ]
[ the children run off ]
Falconer: Oh! Oh, Donald! You’ve returned! Ohhhhh, and you’ve brought my credit card! Where did you find it, I lost it, like, two years ago! Aw, thank you. I’ll use the sharpest of its four dull edges to fray the rope! I’ll be free within a matter of weeks! And, until that time.. you will be the Falcon, and I shall remain..
Sir Anthony McCollum…..Alec Baldwin Reporter #1…..Amy Poehler Reporter #2…..Horatio Sanz Reporter #3…..Seth Meyers Reporter #4…..Horatio Sanz
Announcer: We go now to a live press conference with Prince Charles’ private secretary – Sir Anthony McCollum.
[ dissolve to the press conference ]
Sir Anthony McCollum: Right. As you all know, there’s been a lot of talk recently about an alleged event, that may or or may not have taken place, with or without a senior member of the Royal Family, who may or may not have been engaged in certain unspecified acts of a highly indeterminate nature. As you know, I cannot address the matters specifically, but I will entertain a few brief queries.
Reporter #1: Yes.. yes.. question.. question: Cynthia Watson, London Times. Can you comment at all on these rumors, concerning the Prince’s sexuality?
Sir Anthony McCollum: Madam, as you well know, legally, I cannot do that. British slander laws expressly forbid any specific mention of the matter.
Reporter #1: So sorry. Allow me to rephrase. Could one say that the Prince took.. a “holiday”.. from his “usual interests”? And, on this “holiday”, did the Prince, perhaps, “pitch a tent of the Isle of Man”?
Sir Anthony McCollum: [ mulls the sound of it in his head ] Yes, I suppose, legally, one could say that. Next?
Reporter #2: Uh, hello, thank you – if I may try a different vein. I know the Prince has! [ chuckles ] Say the Prince were to have a.. “keyboard recital” at his home.
Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes?
Reporter #2: And he were to invite a certain unnamed gentleman. This fellow would undoubtedly bring a gift – say.. flowers.
Sir Anthony McCollum: Granted.
Reporter #2: So, upon arrival, would this gent be more inclined to place “roses on the piano”.. or “tu-lips on his organ”?
Sir Anthony McCollum: [ frowns ] Sadly, the latter. [ points to next reporter ] Yes, you?
Reporter #3: Yes. Say that the Prince recently purchased a country home?
Sir Anthony McCollum: Alright?
Reporter #3: Down.. “Cadbury” Lane.
Sir Anthony McCollum: I know of no such address, but I’ll allow it.
Reporter #3: In the county of.. “Dingleberry”.
Sir Anthony McCollum: Indeed.
Reporter #3: And, say there was a problem with the insulation in this residence, a terrible draft coming in through his windows.
Sir Anthony McCollum: Where are you going with this?
Reporter #3: I wonder.. if he wouldn’t enjoy having his “crack”.. filled with “cauck”?
Sir Anthony McCollum: Undoubtedly.
Reporter #3: Quick follow-up: If His Majesty is elected to become a civil servant.. would one be writing thinking that his occcupation of choice would have been.. “manhole inspector”?
Sir Anthony McCollum: Often, his Majesty speaks of nothing else. [ points to next reporter ] Yes?
Reporter #4: Alright, despite all this talk, the Prince is above, all else, a gentleman.
Sir Anthony McCollum: Absolutely. Always ready to give a fellow a hand.
Reporter #4: And, for a friend, he’d been over backwards – or forwards.
Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.
Reporter #4: The kind of guy who would say, “It’s better to give than to receive.”
Sir Anthony McCollum: The Prince of Wales is generous to a fault. He has been known to give until it hurts. However, I’ve also heard, that if you were to arrive at the Prince’s back door with a sizeable package, you would be received warmly.
Reporter #3: Could we say that the Prince was reared by a queen?
Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.. of course.
Reporter #1: Yes, you’re saying that the Prince’s favorite actor is Peter O’Toole?
Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.
Reporter #4: Right, right.. and that his favorite meal is a “sack” lunch.
Sir Anthony McCollum: Yess..
Reporter #3: And that his favorite bird is the swallow?
Sir Anthony McCollum: Indeeeed, yes.
Reporter #2: And, what of the rumor that the Prince can’t drive car over.. 68 kilometers at hour?
Sir Anthony McCollum: I haven’t heard that rumor.
Reporter #2: Because, at 69, he blows a rod!
Sir Anthony McCollum: Thank you. That’s quite enough.. I’m aorry.. that’s all the time we have for today. Thank you, thank you, thank you..
[ Private Secretary exits press conference ]
Announcer: Next up on C-Span: the Prime Minister’s questions, hopefully featuring more gay sex scandals.
Air Date:
