Dan Aykroyd: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thanks a lot! Wow, wow, wow! what a bea-u-ti-ful night in Manhatten! For those of you who may not be aware, I worked here from 1975 until 1979. Thank you! All this week, everyone’s been asking me why it’s taken me 24 years to come back and host. Well, the reason is – the first cast, we were rebels! John Belushi used to say, “Why should we have a host? We can do it ourselves!” And, uh.. well.. you know, the only time I stood here on Home Base.. was with John Belushi when we were The Blues Brothers. [ audience cheers ] Well.. he’s, uh.. he’s not here tonight; he’s somewhere, but he’s not here tonight. But.. I’ve got his brother Jim. So.. let’s just do this!
[ lights go up, as Jim Belushi steps out as an alternate Blues Brother ]
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! And welcome to Studio 8-H, at 30 Rockefeller Center in New York City! Would you please welcome from Hollywood, California, the internationally-renowned star of stage, television and recording: Mr. James “Cool Diamond” Belushi! We are the world-famous Dancing Refrigerators! I am a man of avocado. I’m a man of plum. This is the Have Love Will Travel Review!
[ the break into the Outsiders classic “Time Won’t Let Me” ]
Dan Aykroyd: “I can’t wait forever Even though you want me to I can’t wait forever To know if you’ll be true Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me…ee…ee…eeWait that long!”
Sing it!
Jim Belushi: “Can’t you see I’ve waited so longTo love you, to hold you, in my arms.”
Together: “Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me…ee…ee…ee!”
Jim Belushi: Wait long!
[ instrumental break ]
Together: “Ahhh…ahhh…ahhh…ah!”
Jim Belushi: Wait that long!
Dan Aykroyd: Thank you! We’ve got a fun-packed show! The spectacular Beyonce is here! It’s Tracy and Kattan’s last show! Final season finale! We’ll be right back! Season finale!
Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan Scientist…..Dan Aykroyd Venusian…..Maya Rudolph
[ open in outer space ]
Astronaut Jones: [ speaking into space phone ] Come in, Earth! Astronaut Jones to Planet Earth! We are on the planet Venus! It’s very hot up here, so I doubt we wil encounter any life. Over!
Scientist: Not so fast, Jones.. I’m getting some intense readings on the organatron.
Astronaut Jones: Hold it, Earth! My chief science officer may have found something!
Scientist: Look at this, Jones.. This thing’s whirling! We’re definitely not alone.
Astronaut Jones: Maybe there’s dan-gerrrr!
Jingle: “Rocket I’m taking a rocket. I’m packing my suitcase Hey, look out, Moon!
Yeah, a rocket into outer space. Goodbye, human race I’ll be there soon.
Blast off! For fun and adventure. Yes, I said adventure collecting stones.
Yeah, it’s my way on the ol’ space highway. That’s why they all say “There goes Astronaut Jones!”
Hey!”
Announcer: “Astronuat Jones”! With special guests star: Dan Aykroyd! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 19: The Battle For Venus”.
[ dissolve back to scene ]
Astronaut Jones: Okay, Earth.. I understand. We’ll get the stones and get out. I love you, too, Earth. Bye!
Scientist: What did Earth say?
Astronaut Jones: They said if we see any space monsters, we should beat it!
Scientist: I’m afraid it’s too late. Look at that. [ points at an approaching Venusian woman ]
Astronaut Jones: Mmm! Lord have mercy!
Venusian: Creatures, who are you?
Astronaut Jones: Sweet!
Scientist: Don’t, don’t don’t talk to her..
Astronaut Jones: Oh, man!
Scientist: It’s some kind of a pure energy field..
Astronaut Jones: It’s pure!
Scientist: Projecting an electro-magnetic force..
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Scientist: Pulsating an extremely dangerous voltage!
Astronaut Jones: Oh, oh!
Scientist: I recommend we get back to the rocket ship..
Astronaut Jones: Right on!
Scientist: And not have any intercourse with this creature!
Astronaut Jones: Hold on, Spock!
Venusian: Earth creatures..
Astronaut Jones: What?
Venusian: My name is Vanella..
Astronaut Jones: I’m ready to jump all over you..
Venusian: You are not welcome here..
Astronaut Jones: I know this.
Venusian: You have only three of your Earth minutes to evacuate this planet or face extermination.
Astronaut Jones: Heat it up.. turn it loose!
Venusian: We are a hostile race..
Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm, yeah..
Venusian: ..unwilling to engage in communication with other life forms..
Astronaut Jones: Yeah, you the future!
Venusian: If you value your life, you will abandon your mission here, and return to Earth.
Astronaut Jones: Mmm..
Venusian: I have warned you..
Astronaut Jones: Uh-huh.
Venusian: Now, what do the Earthlings say to this?
Astronaut Jones: Why don’t you bend over and let me snap that booty-licious!
Scientist: [ worried ] Jones! If you touch that thing, we’ll blow up!
Astronaut Jones: If I don’t touch that thing, I’m gonna blow up!
[ Maya Rudolph finally breaks character ]
Maya Rudolph: You know what, Tracy? Don’t.
Tracy Morgan: Aw, cut the crap, Maya! You know Ive been wantin to get you pregnant!
Jingle: “Rocket I’m taking a rocket. I’m packing my suitcase Hey, look out, Moon!”
Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond Andrew Card…..Dan Aykroyd Rev. Al Sharpton…..Tracy Morgan Sen. Rick Santorum…..Chris Parnell
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! President Bush declares that those responsible for this week’s attack in Saudia Arabia will be hunted down and given a dose of American justice! Is it me, or is this administration starting to sound like an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger”?! I havent seen a guy this cocky since Ruben from “American Idol” at a waffle-eating contest! As the election season heats up, the question becomes: Is Bush unstoppable? Or do the Democrats have a David for this Goliath? Joining us tonight, White house Chief-of-Staff Andrew Card!
Andrew Card: Thanks for having me, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Whatever you said, shut it! Also joining us, the man who has more track suits than the Wardrobe Department at “The Sopranos”! Democratic Presidential hopeful and political train wreck, Al Sharpton!
Rev. Al Sharpton: I-I-I’ve got some good stuff for you today, Chris!
Chris Matthews: Great. But just on principle, I’m still gonna tell you to zip it! Mr. Card, we’re gonna start with you! You see the Republican witnesses heading into the 2004 campaign?
Andrew Card: Absolutely not! Just look at President Bush’s recent accomplishments. He piloted that fighter jet by himself and landed on the aircraft carrier – people love that! He single-handledly caught Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.. and made them wrestle each other in a cage match! Two years ago, he came up with the idea for”Joe Millionaire”. He’s amazing!
Chris Matthews: Uh-huh. And does it bother you that none of that’s true?!
Andrew Card: Look, Chris.. if it doesn’t bother Karl Rove, it doesn’t bother me.
Chris Matthews: Fair enough. Al Sharpton! What’s your strategy for combatting such a popular incumbent?!
Chris Matthews: How’re you gonna win the Presidential election!
Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh, it’s gonna be easy! Look who I’m runnin’ against: Edwards, Kerry, Gephardt.. nobody knows those dudes!
Chris Matthews: What about Bush? How you gonna beat him?
Rev. Al Sharpton: [ confused ] What? Bush can run again?! Aw, come on, dammit! Come on, man! You gotta let me know about these things, dammit!
Chris Matthews: Sharpton campaign – right about where we all thought it would be! Andrew Card, what will the Democrats have to do to have a chance?
Andrew Card: Well, the Democrats biggest problem is that no one recognizes their candidates. They need someone whos universally adored. The only shot they have is to.. lower the voting age to 6.. and nominate Spongebob Squarepants.
Chris Matthews: Andrew, come on.. is it that hopeless, or what?
Andrew Card: Chris, not even Jesus Christ would run against George Bush. Because, as the Bible clearly states.. Jesus was a Republican.
Chris Matthews: Nice! That’s a good crazy boy! Our next guest is doing his best to help the Democrats win. He made headlines last week, when he equated homosexual sex with incest and bestiality! Please welcome the man who put the idiot into “He’s an idiot!” Republican Senator Rick Santora! Senator, do you think yur controversial remarks are gonna hurt President Bush in 2004?
Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris, I was taken out of context. Uh.. when I said gay sex was as bad as man-on-dog sex, I meant man-on-male dog. Sex between a human make and a female dog, I have no problem with.
Chris Matthews: Good Lord, this is better than I thought! Keep going!
Sen. Rick Santorum: I have no problem with gay people. I-I like Liberace.. I like George Michael.. I even like the gay Teletubby. I dont like it when Liberace, George Michael and the gay Teletubby have sex with each other.
Chris Matthews: Don’t stop, Sentora! One more time!
Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris, I’m not asking much. All Im asking for is every American male to get a tattoo on his fanny that reads “Exit Only”.
Chris Matthews: [ chuckles ] Three in a row! We call that a turkey where I’m from, people! Final thoughts, Andrew Card!
Andrew Card: Chris.. this president is unstoppable. He’s 22-feet tall.. he can stop bullets in mid-air like Neo! When he was eight years old, he ran to the moon! I’ve personally seen this man lasso a tornado! And he’ll be our President for the next 200 years! Because he cannot die!
Chris Matthews: [ talking into a prop telephone ] Hello? Yeah, he’s here. Yeah, okay.. That was the loony bin.. they need you back by eight! Al Sharpton, final thoughts! Your upcoming campaign!
Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh.. there is no campaign, Chris.. I’m gonna go back to what I do best! Showing up where the rich white people hang out, and screaming at the cameras “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”
Chris Matthews: Believe me.. it’s broke! Sen. Foot-in-Mouth!
Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris.. my opinions may be unpopular, but they’re not uninformed. I’ve been involved in literally thousands of acts of gay sex, and not once have I felt like it’s okay.
Chris Matthews: I guess I should have seen that one coming! When we come back, Sen. Santorum’s gonna sing a number from “Hairspray”! But, until then, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Jingle: “Ben loves Jen, he wants us all to knoew So he bought lots of items that glitter and glow. Doesn’t hurt to impress a girl Cokie, the Most Expensive Dog in the World!”
[ show title card ]
[ dissolve to Ben and Jennifer sitting on the couch, as Ben gives Jennifer a rare gem ]
Jennifer Lopez: Oh, my God! It’s beautiful!
Ben Affleck: It’s not just any 84-karat emerald – Queen Elizxabeth swallowed it, and it passed through her body.
Jennifer Lopez: [ excited ] Oh, my God! She does that?
Ben Affleck: I had her do it for you. I love you-
Jennifer Lopez: [ opens her next present ] And what’s this?
Ben Affleck: It’s a meteorite from Mars. They were gonna study it, but I paid them to carve it to look like your mother.
Jennifer Lopez: Ohhhh, that’s so sweet!
Ben Affleck: One more. [ indicates a moving package ]
Jennifer Lopez: It’s all alive and split..
Ben Affleck: Save the wrapping – it’s Venison Carpaccio.
Jennifer Lopez: [ opens the gift, a grotesque-looking dog with the head of Robert Duvall ] Oh, my Gooood! I love you so- Oh! Snap!
Ben Affleck: It’s the msot expensive dog in the world!
Jennifer Lopez: What’s with his head?
Ben Affleck: It’s a Demmoguette. It’s an incredibly rare breed – their heads look like Robert Duvall.
Jennifer Lopez: That’s it?
Ben Affleck: [ petrified with fear ] Jen? Honey? You don’t like it?
Jennifer Lopez: I do! It’s just kinda weird and Duvallian and split!
Ben Affleck: But.. it.. cost so much..
Jennifer Lopez: I know! I love you for that! But, baby.. how can we be married and buy things, if we can’t be honest about the things we buy?
Ben Affleck: [ feeling dejected ] Yeah..
Jennifer Lopez: I mean, it’s weird.. it’s not a dog, you know? Maybe if it said something – like “I like napalm” and split!
Ben Affleck: [ perking up ] Yea-ah..!
Jennifer Lopez: It’s okay, baby..
Ben Affleck: No! I love you. And I’m gonna make this right!
[ cut to Ben and Jennifer meeting privately with a professional dog trainer ]
Dog Trainer: Yes, well, there are no bad dogs.. only bad people–
Ben Affleck: Yeah, right. Here’s what I want you to do..
Dog Trainer: First, we must undo all-
Ben Affleck: No, no, no, no! I just want you to get him to talk like Robert Duvall!
Dog Trainer: Well, he’s a Demoguette.. he’s got a resemblance to him-
Ben Affleck: No! Talk! He has to say “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!”
Dog Trainer: Well, I’m afraid that’s impossible.
Ben Affleck: Wait! You’re the world’s best trainer! I’m paying you, what – $1,000 a minute! You can’t do this?!
Jennifer Lopez: Ben, it’s no big deal..
Ben Affleck: YES, it IS!!
Dog Trainer: But only humans have vocal-
Ben Affleck: Look! The Napalm line, or Sonny from “The Godfather”, or- No! Screw it! The Napalm line! [ storms out angrily, slamming the door shut behind him ]
[ the months and years pass by as the Dog Trainer attempts to teach Cokie to talk like Robert Duvall, studying the scene from “Apocalypse Now” with varied results. Fast-forward to 2012: an aging Ben and Jennifer walk into a plastic surgery clinic, and come out looking like 2003; they return to the Dog Trainer who finally has results on the project. ]
Dog Trainer: I think you’ll be pleased.
Ben Affleck: [ excited ] Wow!
Cokie: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!
Dog Trainer: You see? I shaped his box, symbol by symbol–
Jennifer Lopez: That’s not Duvall, though.
Ben Affleck: Yeah! It sounds like James Woods!
Cokie: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!
Ben Affleck: That’s James WOODS!! What’s wrong with you?!
Dog Trainer: Well, the animal’s voice has a certain timber-
Ben Affleck: [ outraged ] Get OUT of here!! I did three “Daredevil” sequels to pay for a JAMES WOODS?!!
Jennifer Lopez: A Duvall face talkin’ all like James Woods and split? That’s weird!
Ben Affleck: You don’t deserve this, Jen.. you are my treasure!
[ dissolve to Ben in a private meeting with Robert Duvall ]
Robert Duvall: You wanna buy me?
Ben Affleck: $40 million.
Robert Duvall: To own me? And I have to wear this dog costume?
Ben Affleck: Not the head, just the body. And you just have to say “I love Napalm” all the time, and live with J-Lo.
Robert Duvall: I have a life, man.
Ben Affleck: Look.. I have so much respect for your work. But you can’t make this kind of money acting. This is $40 million. And you just have to be J-Lo’s dog.
Robert Duvall: [ thinking it over ] Can I sniff her ass?
[ without hesitation, Ben pounces Duvall and begins to beat crap out of him ]
Ben Affleck: You son of a BITCH!! That is SICK!! You are a SICK OLD (bleep)-
Jennifer Lopez: Ben! It’s okay!
Ben Affleck: NO!! Not for my JEN!!
[ cut to title card ]
Jingle: “Cokie, the Most Expensive Dog in the World!”
The Falconer…..Will Forte Black Bear…..Dan Aykroyd Parker…..John Goodman Former Claw…..Horatio Sanz Girlfriend…..Maya Rudolph
Announcer V/O: In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”
[ open on The Falconer waist-deep in quickstand, with Donald perched on his still above-sand arm ]
Oh, Donald! At present time, I find myself waist-deep in quicksand! At my current rate of descent, I’ll be completely submerged by this time tomorrow! That’s the irony of quicksand – it’s anything but quick. Now, please! Find someone – anyone! – who can pull me from what will soon be my wet, sandy coffin! A man with a tractor! Or a team of oxes! [ Donald squawks ] Fine! Oxen! You know what I meant! Now, go!! [ Donald flies off ] The Grim Reaper knocks upon the door!!! DO NOT LET ME DIIIIIIEE!!
[ Donald flies off for another adventure, where he encounters three bikers ]
Parker: Hey, Black Bear! Look at this crazy hawk over here!
Black Bear: [ laughing ] That’s not some hawk, Parker! That’s a white-tailed peregrine falcon! Indigenous to the water regions of North America! Ha ha! [ to Donald ] Hey, pal! You wanna ride with us, or what?
Parker: I don’t think he’s got what it takes to ride with the Blacktop Vampires!
[ Donald squawks ]
Black Bear: Ha ha ha! I like this bird! He’s got pterodactyl nuts! Let’s make him a prospect! I’m gonna call you “The Claw”!
Former Claw: Hey, man.. I’m The Claw!
Black Bear: Not any more! Hey, Falcon! Claw! Come back to the Vampire’s Nest with us! Okay?
[ dissolve back to The Falconer, now sinking deeper into the quicksand ]
[ dissolve back to the Falconer sinking deeper into to quicksand ]
The Falconer: Ohhhh, Donald.. my time is running out! Ohhh, how I rue the day I took down the “Beware of Quicksand” sign! In any event, I’m positive, right now, you are doing everything in your power to save me!
[ cut to Donald at the Vampire’s Nest, surrounded by a pair of hot gals ]
[ at back table, Black Bear and his boys watch Donald with pleasure ]
Black Bear: This Donald guy – the new prospect? He’s a good prospect! I really like him, Parker! Looks like you were wrong about The Claw!
Parker: Yeah.. but it looks like The Claw is making out with your old lady right now!
[ show Black Bear’s girlfriend tonguing with the Falcon ]
Black Bear: [ steps forward, laughing ] Hey, hey, Claw! That’s my old lady! Ha! I-I-I-I got a thing with her. When I’m done with her, you can have her, okay? But, uh.. until then.. claws off! Comprende? [ laughs ]
[ Donald raises his middle finger to Black Bear ]
Parker: [ horrified at Donald’s temerity ] Claw just flipped my man the bird!
Black Bear: [ angered beyond his capacity ] It’s onnnnn!! Hold him up!! Hold him up!!
[ the other bikers rally together to hold Donald still, as Black Bear punches him repeatedly ]
[ Donald squawk, breaking free from the bikers’ grips; Donald’s series of attacks include smashing beer bottles over the heads of bikers, cracking their skulls with a pool cue, slicing Parker with a switchblade as his blood splatters the walls from below screen, and finally swopping down on Black Bear and ripping out his still-beating heart with his claw ]
Black Bear: [ with his last breath ] The.. proph-e-cy.. has come.. true.. [ keels over ]
[ cut to Girlfriend driving the motorcylce, with Donald perched on the handlebars ]
Girlfriend: You’re my man now, Claw.
[ dissolve back again to the Falconer with only his head remaining above the quicksand ]
The Falcon: What I wouldn’t give to be two inches taller! [ rev of motorcycle motor is heard, as Donald returns carrying a snorkel ] Oh, Donald! You’ve returned! And you’ve brought with you a snorkel! Oh, the perfect means to survive.. while you find another way to save me! And until you do, you will be The Falcon! [ puts on the snorkel ] And I will remain..
[ Bales of hay adorn the foreground. Actor SAM ELLIOTT, dressed in denim & a black tee, ENTERS. ]
Sam Elliott: Hi! Im actor Sam Elliott! Youve seen me on television and in the movies, but most likely, you recognize my voice from numerous commercial advertisements. Ad surveys have shown that when consumers hear my voice — in association with a service or product — theyll buy most anything. Heck, I could probably get you dive headfirst into a mail sack full of needles! Or suck iron filings off the floor of a machine shop, and wash them down with a quart of used motor oil. Or chew the lining off the bottom of a parrot cage.
Sometimes when I believe strongly in a product, Ill actually go on-camera to tell you about it. Thats why Im here — now — to talk about Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder.
[ Sam holds up a bottle of Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder. ]
Sam Elliott: As a rancher, I know how hot and humid weather can make riding, cutting weeds, and other chores prickly and uncomfortable in those hard-to-scratch seams and creases. Well, since 1879, Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder has eased the posterior crevice itch associated with farm labor, and brought lasting relief to millions of men living the Western lifestyle. Its simple to apply.
[ Sam turns to his side and opens the bottle. He then bends over slightly and dumps a ton of powder down his backside. ]
Sam Elliott: Mm mm! Oh-hh-hh!!! That feels good!
[ Sam settles the bottle down. ]
Sam Elliott: And cool!!! Thats cause its medicated — takes care of the chaffing and dries up things right away. It forms an easy-to-remove scented paste coil.
[ Sam pulls out a foot-long, braided white coil, which derived from the powder. He sniffs it, tosses it, then holds up the bottle. ]
Sam Elliott: Try Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder now, and get a free box of Dr. Deacons Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads.
[ Sam holds up a box of Dr. Deacons Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads. He removes out a teabag-sized absorber pad. ]
Sam Elliott: Theyre in a handy travel pack and reusable!
[ Sam puts the absorber pad in his left breast pocket. ]
Sam Elliott: Ah! Now Im itch-free! Time to go back to work
[ Sam winks at the camera and grabs a pitchfork. ]
[ TITLE CARD ]
Announcer: Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder & Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads: Available now everywhere.
[ dissolve to interior, elegant restaurant decorated with the canine taste in mind; the patrons and staff are dressed as dogs ]
Maitre’D: Good evening. Welcome to La Cusina Canina, New York’s premier doggie restaurant. Do you have a reservation?
Skippy: Uh, yes.. Daisy & Skippy, for eight o’clock.
Maitre’D: Ah, yes! I’m afraid that your table will not be ready for a few minutes. Would you care to sit at the bar?
Daisy: Hmm.. alright, I guess we’re a little early!
Maitre’D: Fluffy! A complimentary water!
Bartender: Right away, Monsieur Butch!
Daisy: [ spins three times before taking her seat at the bar ] This is a nice place!
Skippy: Yeah!
Bartender: [ places glass on the bar ] There you are. One ice-cold toilet bowl water.
[ the three of them begin to lap up the toilet bowl water from the glass ]
[ cut to table at the other end of the restaurant ]
Waiter: Good evening. I’m your waiter – Tippy. Are you ready to order?
King: I am. But the bitches don’t know what they want.
King’s Date: Well, it’s just that everything looks so good! You go ahead and order first, King!
King: Alright. How is this appetizer? This, uh.. this Lawn Grass with Deer Pellets?
Maitre’D: Oh! I recomend it! The pellets are fresh and chewy! And Chef Otis personally urinates on all of the grass he serves!
King: Okay, that’s great. Okay, I’m gonna start with that, and then I’m gonna have the Tire-Stripped Possum with Blowflies.
Waiter: Excellent choice. And, Madam?
King’s Date: Yeah, gee.. uh.. uh.. I’m trying to lose some weight.. so, I-I’ll just have two cups of Science Diet..
King: Oh, come on, honey! It’s the best restaurant in the city. You oughtta try something.
King’s Date: Honey, I’m saving room for the coffee grinds with shrimp and eggshells for dessert.
Waiter: And, Miss Yorkie?
Yorkie: What’s in the Cat Vomit?
Waiter: Ohh.. it’s a partially-digested vole with dustmite-laden hairball – it’s very popular.
Maitre’D: And a Fancy Feast Tuna-Base, in its own aspic glaze.
Yorkie: Mmmm..! I’ll have that!
Maitre’D: And what can I get for you, Monsieur Buddy?
Buddy: Yes, uh.. how’s the Rotting Fish?
Waiter: Hmm.. here – smell. [ extends his arms ] I rolled in it this morning.
[ everyone at the table sniffs the Waiter ferociously ]
Buddy: [ excited ] Yes, yes! That’s the real thing, all right! Bring me of two of those!
Waiter: Very good. [ retreats from table ]
[ at the front of the restaurant, the popular Big Dog enters ]
Maitre’D: Ah. Bonsoir, Big Dog! Always a pleasure to see you! Your regular table is waiting!
Big Dog: Goooooood! Good! [ sits at his table ]
Maitre’D: And what will be your pleasure tonight?
Big Dog: Buuuuuutch! I think I’ll start off with an aperitif!
Maitre’D: Pepe! Big Dog will have his usual!
Big Dog: Any specials you want to tell me about?
Maitre’D: Oh! Yes. We have a sumptious Melon-Rind Compost.. with Cockworm-Flaked Bacon Grease.. served on an Old Sneaker and a half-side of Tennis Ball. I had it myself, I’m sure you will enjoy it.
Big Dog: Okay, Butch! On your advise!
Maitre’D: And to start! A basket.. of.. waterlogged sticks from a creek upstate!
Big Dog: [ sniffing his plate ] Thank you!
[ a male-female dog couple enters, and Big Dog is attracted to the scent of the bitch ]
Big Dog: Ahhhh.. [ raises his leg and begins to hump the bitch’s backside ]
Male Dog: Excuse me! But the lady came with me!
[ the two dogs began to growl and bark at one another, starting an upset throughout the restaurant as the dogs join the chorus; Big Dog quickly retreats back to his table, and the barking ceases ]
Bartender: And your Bitch’s Piss Martini.
Big Dog: Thank you. May I have an olive with that?
[ Bartender tosses the olvie directly into Big Dog’s mouth ]
Maitre’D: En-joyyyy. [ as the other patrons’ bowls of food are distributed ] Bon appetit, everyone!
[ to pass the time while still waiting for their table, Skippy and Daisy proceed to chase each other in a circle, sniffing at each other’s butt ]
Maitre’D: I’m sorry! Excuse me, please! But because of the new butt-sniffing ban, I’ll have to ask you to do that outside!
Skippy: You can’t sniff a butt in a bar any more?! God, this is absurd!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 28: Episode 20 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
May 17th, 2003 Dan Aykroyd Beyonce None Jim Belushi Kip King John Goodman Jay-Z HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) mocks potential Democratic nominees. Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Andrew Card, Al Sharpton. Transcript
Montage
Dan Aykroyd’s MonologueSummary: Dan Aykroyd and Jim Belushi perform their rendition of “Time Won’t Let Me.” Transcript
Top O’ The Morning To YouSummary: William Fitzpatrick’s (Seth Meyers) dad, Patrick Fitzpatrick (Dan Aykroyd), lets his other 22 kids run amok on the set. Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliams, William Fitzpatrick. Transcript
Rialto GrandeSummary: Buddy Mills (Chris Kattan) shows off his son, Jerome (Kip King), and reunites with comedian Donnie “The Finger” Gabisky (Dan Aykroyd). Recurring Characters: Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun, Buddy Mills, Mackey, cocktail waitresses.
The FalconerSummary: Donald hangs out with a gang of bikers while Falconer Ken Mortimer (Will Forte) sinks in quicksand. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: In a Robert Smigel cartoon, Ben Affleck buys “Cokee, the Most Expensive Dog in the World” as a present for J-Lo. Transcript
Donatella Versace Backyard BarbequeSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) welcomes guests to her backyard barbecue. Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Anna Nicole Smith, David Letterman.
Beyonce & Jay-Z performs “Crazy In Love”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) gets a tan while laying across the Weekend Update desk. Chris Kattan performs a terrible re-eneactment of his recurring characters. Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl. Transcript
Astronaut JonesSummary: Astronaut Jones (Tracy Morgan) and his Chief Science Officer (Dan Aykroyd) encounter a sexy alien (Maya Rudolph) on Venus. Recurring Characters: Astronaut Jones. Transcript
La Cuisina CaninaSummary: Dogs enjoy the ambience of a stylish restaurant. Transcript
Beyonce performs “Dangerously In Love”
Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack PowderSummary: The trusted voice of Sam Elliot (Dan Aykroyd) makes even butt powder desirable. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts 106 & Park Top 10 LiveSummary: Tiny rapper Baby K (Jeff Richards) tells A.J. (Dean Edwards) his upcoming duet with Christina Aguilera (Maya Rudolph). Recurring Characters: A.J., Baby K, Christina Aguilera.
The Leather ManRecurring Characters: The Leather Man, Choo Choo.
Fred Garvin Male Prostitute
My Big Thick Novel
Summer’s Greetings From Saturday Night LiveSummary: One final version of the happy Christmas ditty performed by Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan.
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.
U.S. military personnel have located some 40,000 manuscripts missing from the Iraqi National Museum. Or, as President Bush likes to call them, “manuscripts of mass destruction.”
Chinese peasants, who lack the medical knowledge and funds to fight SARS are lighting firecrackers to scare off the god of plague. Unfortunately, the firecrackers have only succeeded in scaring off the god of fingers.
Jimmy Fallon: On Monday, U.S. forces in Baghdad captured the Iraqi biological weapons scientist known as Mrs. Anthrax, though she prefers to go by her maiden name, Janet Death-Spore.
Gary Hart announced this week that he would not run for president in 2004, saying, “I have concluded that I do not have sufficient enthusiasms for the mechanical side of campaigning.” After listening to the announcement, the mailman nodded awkwardly and slowly backed away.
Tina Fey: Police in Verona, Italy, have arrested a priest who regularly visited a brothel and hired hookers to dress up like nuns. A spokesman for the Vatican described the priest’s behavior as progress.
Jimmy Fallon: New laboratory findings suggest that the SARS virus can survive for four days in watery diarrhea. So be careful of the watery diarrhea you have lying around. It could give you SARS.
Tina Fey: The movie X-Men 2 opened last week, introducing a host of new characters. Not everyone’s happy, though, as some X-Men were left on the cutting room floor. Here with a comment is one mutant who didn’t make the final cut, Q*terplx.
[Q*terplx enters, looking suspiciously like “Baby Eve.”]
Tina Fey: So, Q*terplx, how do you feel about not being included in the new X-Men movie?
[Q*terplx spits all over.]
Tina Fey: Okay. Q*terplx, everybody!
Jimmy Fallon: In London this summer, Microsoft will introduce the iloo, the world’s first public toilet with internet access. So go inside, log in, and log out.
According to a poll in Entertainment Weekly, the best video game of all time is “The Legend of Zelda,” followed by “Tetris” and “Grand Theft Auto.” The worst video game of all time? “Super Menendez Bros.”
Tina Fey: Avid fans of the X-Men movie have already found more than 42 flaws in the new film. And yet, they can’t see the flaws in their own lives.
Jimmy Fallon: More than 100 men and women gathered in San Francisco this past weekend to participate in the city’s 2nd annual public Masturbate-A-Thon. Even though a lot of people showed up, I heard it was wack.
The old man on the mountain, a 40-foot tall granite rock formation in New Hampshire which resembles a human face collapsed over the weekend. So watch out Joan Rivers and Mary Tyler Moore, these things tend to happen in three’s.
Tina Fey: Police and school officials in Northbrook, Illinois, are investigating a girl’s touch football game called, “The Powderpuff Game,” in which senior girls slapped, punched, and splattered the junior girls in the face with mud and feces. What happened to the good old days, when girls would just spread rumors that you were a lezzy?
It was reported that while in Louisville during the Kentucky Derby last weekend, Carson Daly spent nearly $1,000 on lap dances at a local strip club, which isn’t really that much money, when you consider how expensive Chippendale’s is. Hit the elevators, Carson.
Jimmy: [ad-libbing] Are we still doing this?
Elton John announced this week that he would be bringing a musical production of the Anne Rice’s “Vampire Lestat” to Broadway this year. Here with an exclusive sneak preview of the work in progress, Elton John.
Elton John: Hello, Jimmy. You look good enough to eat.
Jimmy Fallon: Keep it cool, buddy. You got some songs you want to preview for us?
Elton John: Yes I do, Jimmy. This first one is a portion of the opening number entitled “Dawn’s Lament.” You can hear the pain and eroticism of vampires’ existence.
Don’t let the sun come up on me ‘Cause I’m a Dracula My reflection I can’t see I’m just a dude who likes sucking blood So let me be, ohhhhhhhh ‘Cause I look like an open-face tuna melt if you let the sun come up on me!
Jimmy Fallon: All right, that was a little clunky at the ending. Also, that song’s just like “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.”
Elton John: What do you want to do to me?
Jimmy Fallon: Stop it, dude.
Elton John: Fine, Jimmy. Wink. The next number comes late in the second act. It’s called “Night Song, A Conversation.”
Hey Frankenstein, how’s it been going? Heard you and your lady kinda went Splitsville Sorry guy, relationships are pretty hard Especially when you’re made out of fourteen other dudes! Come on man, let’s have some brews Catch up on the good old times! F-f-f-f-f-f-f-Frankie and Lestat!
Jimmy Fallon: Frankie and Lestat?
Elton John: Yeah.
Jimmy Fallon: So the Frankenstein monster’s in your musical?
Elton John: Of course, Jimmy. And Mummy, Wolfman, Chewbacca, Oscar the Grouch. It’s a musical about monsters, Jimmy.
Jimmy Fallon: Wolfman’s in there, too?
Elton John: Yes, Wolfman’s in there.
Jimmy Fallon: You haven’t read the book, have you?
Elton John: Jimmy, it may surprise you to hear that I have not.
[start laughing]
Elton John: All righty! This is part of the final number – [He begins to wave his hands around the piano as he’s talking.]
Jimmy Fallon: You’re not playing right now. You’re not playing the piano.
Elton John: I put it on pause while I speak, pause. Okay, on again, okay! All right, this is part of the final number. I’m curtly calling it “Midnight Fantasia.”
Jimmy Fallon: I can’t imagine that this won’t be good.
Elton John: [To the tune of “Tiny Dancer”] Here comes Dracula Suck your blood out There’s nowhere you can run Even if you could now It wouldn’t matter ‘Cause he can turn into a bat Crazy Dracula He loves his buddies Wolfman and Zombie Run like hell, you stupid bastards? Run into a shed and lock it Wolfman’s gonna kick the door in Zombie’s gonna eat your brains!
Jimmy Fallon: This sucks hard.
Elton John: I’ll tell you who sucks hard.
Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here!
Elton John: It’s Dracula, Jimmy!
Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here!
Elton John: Dracula sucks hard!
Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here! Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!
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