Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8


Song appears
on the album:

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Metallica, featuring Marianne Faithfull, performs “The Memory Remains”

…..Nathan Lane
…..Metallica
…..Marianne Faithfull

Nathan Lane: Ladies and gentlemen – Metallica, featuring Marianne Faithfull!

Metallica:
“Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
But the memory remains.

Heavy rings on fingers wave
Another star denies the grave
See the nowhere crowd
Cry the nowhere cheers of honor.

Like twisted vines that grow
Hide and swallow mansions whole
In light of an already
Faded prima donna.

Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
But the memory remains.

Heavy rings hold cigarettes
Up to lips that time forgets
See the Hollywood sun set
Behind your back.

And can’t the band play on
Just listen, they play my song
Ash to ash
Dust to dust
Fade to black.

Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
Dance little tin goddess.

Marianne Faithfull:
“Da da da da
Da da da.
Da da da da
Da da da.”

Metallica:
“Drift away
Fade away
Little tin goddess.

Ash to ash
Dust to dust
Fade to black.

Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
But the memory remains.

Ash to ash
Dust to dust
Fade to black.

Little tin goddess dance.”

Marianne Faithfull:
“Da da da da
Da da da.
Da da da da
Da da da.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8


Song appears
on the album:

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Metallica performs “Fuel”

…..Nathan Lane
…..Metallica

Nathan Lane: Ladies and gentlemen – Metallica!

Metallica:
“Gimme fuel, gimme fire
Gimme that which I desire, oh!”

Turn me on, and I see red
Adrenaline crash and crack my head
Nitro junkie, paint me dead
And I see red.

I run across through black and white
War horse, war head, buck ’em, man
White knuckle tight
Through black and white.

Oh, when I burn
Fuel is pumping engines
Burning hard, loose and clean.
And then I burn
Turning my direction
Quench my thirst with gasoline.

So gimme fuel, gimme fire
Gimme that which I desire!

Turn on beyond the bone
Swallow future, spit out hope
Burn your face upon the chrome.

Hey, hey, hey!

Take the corner, going to crash
Headlights, headlines
Another junkie, who lives too fast
Lives way too fast, fast, fast!

Oh, when I burn
Fuel is pumping engines
Burning hard, loose and clean.
And then I burn
Turning my direction
Quench my thirst with gasoline.

So gimme fuel, gimme fire
Gimme that which I desire!

[ break ]

Oh, I burn!

Oh, when I burn
Fuel is pumping engines
Burning hard, loose and clean.
And on and on
Turning my direction
Quench my thirst with gasoline.

Gimme fuel, gimme fire
Gimme that which I desire, yeah!

Oh, I burn!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Goodnights

…..Nathan Lane

Nathan Lane: My thanks to Metallica. Marianne Faithfull. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! My compadre, Ernie Sabella! This brilliant cast, the great writers, the great crew here, for making this a tremendeous week. Thanks to Lorne Michaels. Thank you all, you’ve been a great audience! Good night, everybody! Ha-ku-na Ma-ta-ta!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Gene the Ex-Con

Gene…..Colin Quinn
Dad…..Nathan Lane
Guard…..Jim Breuer

[ open on Gene the ex-con playing Santa Claus in the mall, with a Kid sitting on his lap ]

Kid: I want a football. But most of all, I want a new bike.

Gene: A new bike? Whoa! Hey, your son has really expensive taste!

Dad: [ chuckles ] Yeah! Well..

Gene: Probably just like his old man, right?

Dad: [ chuckles a little more ] Right, right!

Gene: Only, instead of a bike, you’d probably want, like, a new car or something!

Dad: [ feigns laughter ] Exactly..!

Gene: Pretty son, adults will be sitting here on my lap: “What would you like, sir?” “How ’bout that new Buick Skylark?”

Dad: [ now starting to become aggravated ] Yeah, that would be funny.. Listen.. maybe you could pay a little more attention to the kids, I mean.. it’s the kids’ day, right?

Gene: Oh. Okay. I was just..

Dad: I mean.. the kids.. that’s what you’re here for..

Gene: Okay.

Dad: Thanks.

Gene: Now, Timmy, what kind of bike would you..? [ stops, chuckles uncomfortably and turns to Dad ] Excuse me. Don’t tell me what I’m here for, please?

Dad: No.. I just figured this was a holiday for the kids, and..

Gene: No, I understand that, sir – just do me a favor and don’t tell me what I’m here for!

Dad: Listen, I didn’t mean anything by it. Why don’t you relax?

Gene: Relax? [ stands up and closes in on Dad ]

Dad: [ nervous ] Uh.. Billy, you’d better go look at the bikes..

Gene: My man, you want me to be naughty or nice over here? What’s it goin’ down?

Dad: What is your problem?! I’m here with my kid, and I’m trying to enjoy the holiday!

Gene: Listen, man, you’re right..

Dad: Yeah!

Gene: The thing is, I just got out of jail, I’m trying to straighten out and make a good impression over here. It’s like my P.O. told me: “Gene, you’re crazy! You’re the craziest sonofabitch ever came through the system!”

Dad: It’s alright, it’s alright! You seem like a nice guy at heart..!

Gene: No, no, no. I feel bad, I wanna make it up to you. What do you say we go back to my room at the Y, listen to some Ronnie James Dio, and drink some apple wine?

Dad: What?!

Gene: Yeah, back at the Y I’ve got the Christmas issue of “Barely Legal”, they got naked elves, they got Santa giving it to broads under the tree..

Kid: Daddy? Who’s Ronnie James Dio?

Dad: Nobody, nobody, son! [ to Gene ] Listen! I don’t want my kid knowing who Ronnie James Dio is! I’m not even sure I know who she is! I just want him to sit on Santa’s lap and tell Santa what he wants, so we can get out of here!

Gene: I’m sorry. I’m a little spacey, you know what it is? I been selling a lot of blood lately. [ takes his seat ] Come on, son.. get up here and tell Santa what you want.

Kid: I want a happy Christmas for my family.

Gene: Yeah. The only family I had in the can was the Aryan Brotherhood. Every Christmas, we drank Pruno and passed around the joke book..

Dad: [ intercedes ] Okay, that’s it! Security! Security!

Guard: [ steps up ] Yes? Yes, what’s the problem, sir?

Dad: Travis Bickle here is telling prison stories to my son!

Gene: My man! This guy’s lying! His kid stole a bike!

Guard: Aw, Gene, this is the 56th complaint we’ve had in two days. Now, let’s go.. [ grabs Gene’s sleeve ]

Gene: Whoa, whoa! You wanna keep your hands to yourself, please?

Guard: Come on, Gene, you’re bothering the customers, it’s bad for business. Time to leave.

Gene: I understand. Just don’t touch me!

Guard: What’s up with you?

Gene: Nothing’s up with me! What’s down with you? What’s under with him? This kid wants a bike, she wants a dolly, and I want you to get outta my face before I smack you with a stocking full of D-cell batteries!

Dad: You guys should have a better screening process for hiring Santas! You can start with the urine test!

Gene: Sir! Where am I supposed to get work?! Are you gonna hire a man who just did twelve years for home invasion and murder?

Dad: No, of course not!

Gene: Well, see! That’s what I’m talking about! I can’t find a job!

Kid: Daddy? Is Santa going to jail?

Dad: No, son, no.. he’s not really Santa..

Kid: Daddy? Is there no Santa?

Gene: You see that, sir? Now you got a kid who thinks there’s no Santa! You happy?

Dad: Well, I’d rather have him beleive in no Santa, than a Santa who does twelve years for home invasion and murder!

Gene: Sir, yes, it’s true, I done time! But, when you think about it, what does Santa do every year but commit a form of home invasion? A very loving and generous home invasion, yes.. but still home invasion! And, as for murder, well.. well, I can’t think of any good reason to justify that.

Dad: You know, my kid used to love Santa! He saw that Tim Allen movie ten times!

Gene: Kid, I did time with Tim Allen! Let me tell ya something – he’s always been real people, Bro, but he ain’t no Santa Claus!

Guard: Alright, Gene, come on, let’s go.. [ pulls Gene away ]

Dad: Let’s go, son. There are other department stores..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

The Lost Deep Thoughts

[Mellow music, piano and synth. Waterfalls in the background.]

Announcer V/O: [a feminine voice reads thetitle graphic] And now — The Lost Deep Thoughts byJack Handey.

Jack Handey V/O: [reads scrolling text]
When he was a little boy,
he had always wanted to be an acrobat.
It looked like so much fun,
spinning through the air, flipping,
landing on other people’s shoulders.
Little did he know
that when he finally did become an acrobat,
it would seem so boring.
Years later, after he finally quit,
he found out he hadn’t been working
as an acrobat after all.
He had just been a street weirdo.

[Fade out]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

The Lost Deep Thoughts

[Mellow music, piano and synth. Hummingbird hoversnear a flower.]

Announcer V/O: [a feminine voice reads thetitle graphic] And now — The Lost Deep Thoughts byJack Handey.

Jack Handey V/O: [reads scrolling text]
It’s funny, but when you
look at an old man,
then you look at a
photo of him when he
was a young man, then
you look back at the
old man, then the photo,
back and forth, pretty
soon you’ll do whatever
anybody tells you to.

[Fade out]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Chess For Girls

Mom…..Molly Shannon
Dad…..Will Ferrell

[ open on a boy and a girl playing a game of Chess, as their parents sit and read in the background ]

Girl: [ moves her piece ] Okay.

Boy: That’s your move? [ moves his You’re captured, sucker!

Girl: This is stupid! [ she knocks all the pieces off the board ] Chess is a boy’s game!

Announcer: Not anymore!

[ game board spins into view ]

Jingle: “Now there’s Chess For Girls!”

[ the Chess game pieces are shown individually, dressed in pink clothing ]

Jingle:
“Just like Dad’s, but with beautiful clothesNot too hard, just pretty and fun.”

[ three girls sit behind their posed and clothed Chess pieces ]

Girls: Pretty!!

[ various shots of the Chess pieces “in play” ]

Jingle:
“Here comes the Queen, in her long white gown
You can even braid her beautiful hair.”

Girl: I like Chess!

Jingle: “Real Chess pieces, with a special surprise.”

Girl: [ combing her knight piece’s mane ] She smells like strawberries!

[ show an interior scene of the Chess dollhouse, as a Tasty-Bake oven is pushed into the kitchen area ]

Announcer: Chess! It’s a classic game of strategy and wits —

Girl: [ blowing bubbles ] And bubbles!

[ a Chess van pulls into the scene ]

Girls: It’s Chess with a van!

[ show Bishop piece wearing a white dress, which is tugged loose to reveal a swimsuit underneath ]

Announcer: And Malibu Mystery Bishop is ready for a day at the beach, or a night of dancing!

Jingle: “Night of dancing!”

Girl: Let’s go shopping! [ bounces her Queen piece around the floor ]

Announcer: Now you’re playing Chess!

Boy: Hey! The Queen can’t move like that!

Girl: Shh! You’ll wake the baby. [ holds miniature bottle over the baby basket ]

Girl: Checkmate!

[ Mom and Dad peek into the room ]

Mom: Hey, what are you kids doing up here?

[ the three girls sit on the floor, surrounded by doll pieces, dresses, the van, and bubbles floating everywhere ]

Girls: We’re playing Chess!

[ Mom and Dad smile at each other ]

[ show product ]

Announcer: Tasty-bake Chess oven sold seperately. Some assembly required. Chess.

Jingle: “Chess For Girls!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 6th, 1997

Nathan Lane

Metallica

Ernie Sabella

The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders

Marianne Faithfull
NBC News Special Report: Well Babies TragedySummary: An episode of “Jenny” is interrupted by an important — not to mention, cool — news report: Brian Williams is psyched to announced that the McCaughey Septuplets have all fallen down a well, and he’s ready to sit on this story all through the night.

Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, Gerald Rivera, President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Nathan Lane’s MonologueSummary: Nathan Lane casually enters the stage in a bathrobe while reading the newspaper, free of worries and oblivious to his hosting duties for the night. Ana Gasteyer and Nathan’s “Lion King” co-star, Ernie Sabella, confront him. Nathan promptly bursts into a chorus of “Hakuna Matata”, and dances through the studio with everyone in tow.

Bio: Nathan Lane (1956-). Actor; Broadway credits include: “Guys and Dolls” (1992); film credits include: “The Birdcage” (1996), “Mouse Hunt” (1997), “The Producers” (2005).

Chess For GirlsSummary: Because Chess is traditionally a boring boys’ game, Mattel has femmed it up for the opposite sex with dolls, dresses, and bubbles.

Transcript

The SpartansSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) chat on the phone before bedtime to make their Christmas wishes. They both fall asleep and share the same dream, of being real Spartan Cheerleaders and dancing with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

The Quiet StormSummary: While playing his groove music, Chris “Champagne” Garnett (Tim Meadows) is visited by easy listening morning host Larry Unhower (Nathan Lane), and the two begin an on-air turf war of competing hits.

Recurring Characters: Chris “Champagne” Garnett.

Transcript

Sister Wendy Beckett’s Art OdysseySummary: During a visit to a New York art museum, naughty Sister Wendy (Nathan Lane) tries to hide her love for erotic artwork.

Marianne Faithfull performs “The Ballad of Lucy Jordan”Note: Shown briefly on the air before the show cuts to a commercial break. The song wraps up as the show returns from the commercial break.

First Performed: 79j.

Lyrics

History of VaudevilleSummary: The vaudeville act of Weber (Nathan Lane) & Rose (Chris Kattan) was one of the earliest to perform ethnic stereotyping.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Norm MacDonald adopts the persona of Bud Abbott when he interviews Officer Lou Costello (Nathan Lane), who is frightened by a mummified corpse he discovered on a recent murder investigation.

Transcript

Metallica performs “Fuel”Bio: Heavy metal band; members: Kirk Hammett, James Hetfield, Jason Newsted, Lars Ulrich.

Lyrics

Songs That Ruined EverythingSummary: Styx frontrunner Dennis DeYoung (Will Ferrell) promotes the songs that signaled artistic doom for various rock performers.

Recurring Characters: Dennis DeYoung.

Transcript

The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: On the hypnotic effect of looking back between an old man and his younger photograph.

Transcript

Miss MiloSummary: Broadway veteran Miss Milo (Nathan Lane) acts eccentric in front of her new dresser, theater major Vance Harris (Will Ferrell), as he gets her ready for her performance as Mrs. Christmas Tree.

Metallica, featuring Marianne Faithfull, performs “The Memory Remains”Lyrics

Ex-Con GeneSummary: Gene the ex-con (Colin Quinn) takes work as a cranky, kid-scaring Santa Claus.

Recurring Characters: Gene.

Transcript

The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: On a little boy’s desire to be an acrobat when he grows up.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Sarah McLachlan

[ Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[ Cheers and applause as we dissolve to NormMacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks, I’m Norm Macdonald. Nowthe fake news. Our top story tonight:

This week, the Clinton White House angrily deniedcharges that burial plots in Arlington NationalCemetery were being handed out as political favors. Although, Presidential Spokesman Mike McCurry didacknowledge that it is not easy to explain the Tomb ofthe Unknown Asian Contributor. …

This week, an angry President Clinton demanded thatCongress stop dragging its feet on something he haslong championed — a Medical Bill of Rights for U.S.citizens. In all, there are ten items in thePresident’s Bill of Rights, running from Number One: Arich satisfying sex life is the foundation of goodhealth” … to Number Ten: “A straight penis is not aprivilege — it is a right!” …

Toymaker Mattel has decided to give its Barbie doll anew and less curvaceous body. This in response tocriticism that Barbie’s current measurements, if shewere six feet tall, would read an unrealistic38-18-34. Feminists are applauding the move but,personally, I think that instead of all this pettytinkering with measurements, they should just make hersix feet tall. … [ applause ]

Speaking of toys, this year’s survey of the ten mostdangerous toys has been released. Topping the listthis year: Tyco’s new Throat Clogger Upper.…

The FDA is considering approval of a new highlyeffective treatment for baldness. The drug, Propecia,has been shown in trials to grow thick, luxurianthair. Although, there is a downside. It only workson ears, noses and backs. …

In next week’s Life magazine, pop star MichaelJackson appears in a pictorial with his infant son. The photos show Jackson changing, feeding and cradlingthe baby boy, in what Jackson himself promises will beLife magazine’s sexiest issue ever….

First Lady Hillary Clinton has been out of the countrythis week, visiting the remote region of Siberia. Said the President, quote, “When the cat’s away, themice– Ah, who am I kiddin’? The mouse screws plentyof women even when the cat’s right here.” … [applause ]

Has the lure of the almighty dollar finally made usforget the true meaning of Christmas? Well, in myopinion, the answer is yes — when you considerthat it’s not even Thanksgiving but the Christmasissue of Black Tail magazine is alreadyon newsstands. [ Cover of magazine with half-nakedwomen wearing Santa Claus hats ] … Shame on you,people at Black Tail magazine….

Wednesday on CBS’ “This Morning” program,correspondent Eleanor Mondale went toy shopping withKato Kaelin. According to producers, it was part of anew segment on the show called “Let’s Punish theAudience.” …

Well, now there is finally a matchmaking service fordogs. At “Happy Animals,” matchmakers guarantee tofind your dog a perfect mate based on height, weight,age and breed. So far, the dog dating service has hada one hundred percent success rate because, accordingto its founders, any dog will have sex withany other dog. …

An extremely rare albino lobster found recently inMaine will not end up on a dinner table but willinstead live out its days in a private aquarium. Thelobster’s already been flown from Casco Bay to Texas– where it will be lovingly cared for by rock legendJohnny Winter. [ Photo of the long-haired albinoguitarist ] …

I’d like now to make a correction to a story that wereported earlier tonight. It seems that the Christmasissue of Black Tail is not yet availableon newsstands. I’m sorry. So far, it’s only gone outto those of us who subscribe. … Our apologiesto the editors of Black Tail and — keepup the good work, boys! …

On Wednesday, NASA launched the space shuttle Columbiaon its eighty-seventh voyage. This trip by the shuttlewill feature the first space walk ever by a Japaneseastronaut who will get to take in the uniqueperspective of Earth from space. Gee, I wonder ifthere’s any chance he’ll, uh, take a picture.…

Norm Macdonald: Well, tonight’s musical guest,Sarah McLachlan, organized last week’s– lastsummer’s, rather, Lilith Festival, the largestcollection of female singers ever to tour together.Their opening act was stand-up comic Cinder Calhoun.Please welcome groundbreaking female artists SarahMcLachlan and Cinder Calhoun. [ cheers and applause ]

Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Norm. Um, as Sarahknows, I’m still not really comfortable with the termstand-up comic. I, um, I really consider myself moreof a weaver of satiric truths in the, uh, tradition ofthe great Appalachian humorists, so, uh…yeah.

Norm Macdonald: Well, Sarah, how did youdiscover, uh, Cinder, here?

Sarah McLachlan: Actually, it’s a pretty funnystory.

Cinder Calhoun: Yeah, we were, um, we werehanging out one night backstage with Alanis Morissetteat the, uh, Follow Your Bliss Tibetan freedom concertsand everyone was in kind of a real like giddyslaphappy mood ’cause I was on a roll telling somepretty righteously funny [ exaggerated Spanish accent] Guatemalan animal riddles … um, that I, uh,I had heard from a [ exaggerated accent ]Latina friend. … And, uh, Alanis was liketotally stumped by the one about the trickster owl andthe hungry bird and she goes “I don’t get it” and Ilooked at Sarah and I just go “Alanis, [ singing ]you you you oughta know.”

Sarah McLachlan: And I laughed so hard the babaganoush I was eating came out of my nose.

Cinder Calhoun: It was unbelievable. It wasunreal.

Norm Macdonald: So I guess that’s the point yourealized you were hittin’ somethin’ big here?

Sarah McLachlan: Oh, yeah. I got her for thetour right away.

Norm Macdonald: So you guys gonna do some ofyour comedy for us tonight?

Cinder Calhoun: Um, actually, Norm, Sarah and Ifeel that we’d be really remiss if we didn’t use thisplatform to address an issue tonight. Um, we were at aMaya Angelou poetry reading, um, last night with FionaApple. … She is so wise. Um. …Yeah.

Sarah McLachlan: Well, we were discussing theritual torture and senseless slaughters of turkeys inthe name of the gluttonous, nationalistic,patriarchal holiday that we call Thanksgiving.

Cinder Calhoun: [ increasingly emotional ]Right, and the sickest thing that Fiona told us is,apparently, that one company has a 1-800 number thatgives out cooking tips and recipes encouraging themutilation and consumption of these beautifulbirds! [ gasps ]

Sarah McLachlan: [ comforting Cinder ] Willyou be okay?

Cinder Calhoun: Yeah. So um, we wrote a songabout it, um, for all the turkeys out there whocelebrate Thanksgiving. [ Sarah and Cinder are handedacoustic guitars ] It’s called “Basted in Blood.” …

Cinder & Sarah: [ playing guitars, singing ]
“We gather together for yams, beans, and cranberrysauce.
But have you given much thought lately to the TurkeyHolocaust?
Twenty million noble birds slaughtered every fall.
Ain’t no difference between Hitler, Stalin — and thefolks at Butterball!
Butterba-a-a-a-ll!!

[ Briefly cut wide to reveal Norm glancing aroundskeptically. ]

Cinder & Sarah: [ playing guitars, singing ]
So set your tables, America, from Birmingham toBranson.
But when you carve that turkey you’re a finger-lickingCharlie Manson.
Enjoy your pumpkin pie, your buttery Idaho spud.
Grandma’s chestnut stuffing, and a turkey basted inblood…

Basted in blood! Basted in blood!
Basted in blood! Basted in blood!
Basted in blood! Basted in blood!
Basted in blood! Basted in blood!”

[ Huge cheers and applause. ]

Norm MacDonald: [ about to chew on a turkeyleg ] Cinder Calhoun and Sarah MacLachlan — [ putsaway the turkey leg ] — everybody! Thanks. Thanks,Cinder Calhoun and Sarah MacLachlan. … [ to thecrowd ] I wonder if Cinder is related to HaystackCalhoun? … Okay, folks. That’s it! Goodnight![ Pull back and dissolve to WU graphic. Music. Cheersand applause. Fade. ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Colin Quinn Explains The New York Times

… Colin Quinn

[Funky bass theme. SUPER: Colin Quinn Explains TheNew York Times. Casually-dressed Colin sits on theedge of a desk in an office set.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Colin Quinn explainsthe New York Times.

[Music pots down and lights come up to reveal Colinbrandishing a copy of the influentialnewspaper-of-record for the power elite.]

Colin Quinn: The New York Times. We allwant to be the people who read it but we don’t. Exceptme. I read it so you can watch “Veronica’s Closet.”… Now, before I begin, I should point out theTimes has been redesigned and colorized. TheTimes shouldn’t be colorized. It looks toodesperate. It’s like tryin’ to compete with thelittle punk newspapers. It’s like your favoritemiddle-aged uncle who starts shopping at Structure andlistening to Radiohead. … It’s creepy.

[picks up another copy, points to a front page story]This story, by the way, is about Iraq. Now, we alltend to demonize the Iraqis in this situation. Butlook at it from the point of view of some Iraqi who’slivin’ there. You grow up in Iraq, you can’t smoke,drink, have sex. Then, one day they tell you you’re ahuman shield. … All right? You’re supposed to stopbombs with your face. … In other words, they buildbombs to protect the people, then use the people toprotect the bombs. … You know, they must be sittin’there, like, “Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t you giveus tire irons and shoot us out of cannons, y’know?…

[picks up another copy, folded to an inside page] Herein the national news this Tuesday, the Republicanstried to block Clinton’s appointee – appointee asambassador to Luxembourg ’cause he’s gay. Now, this issad. First of all, why pick on the guy, right? He’sthe ambassador of Luxembourg — you know? … Youthink they didn’t know that when they suggested him?You know, they’re in the room, like, “Hey, listen, wegot this gay ambassador. What do you want to do withhim?” “Ah, put him into Luxembourg. They’re not gonnado anything about it, y’know?” … It’s no big deal tohave a gay ambassador anyway. Don’t the English alwayshave those effete, alcoholic ambassadors down there inthe West Indies? Y’know, you got the guy in the whitesuit who drinks mint juleps and tells Joe Ortonstories. … [crosses legs, pretends to smoke acigarette] He just sits there going, [affected Britishaccent] “Oh, this wretched island! This wretched,wretched little island!” .. Y’know? …

By the way, this gay ambassador is the heir to theHormel meatpacking dynasty. Now, I know you’rethinking, “Oh, don’t go for a cheap gay meatpackerjoke.” … Let me tell ya somethin’. Let me tell yasomethin’. Even his gay friends make that joke, okay?… It’s right there. You can’t help it. To avoid itwould be more condescending than makin’ it. … Now… [applause] Thank you.

[picks up another copy, folded to an inside page] Nowon Thursday in the business section, we have thisstory: “Newcourt Credit of Canada agreed to acquireAT&T Capital, a spinoff controlled by a unit of NomuraSecurities of Japan for one point six billion,creating one of the biggest non-bank lenders.” Now, Idon’t know what that means, you don’t know what thatmeans. You say, “Who cares?” … Right? And then youwake up one morning and a can of soup is eight bucks,all right? … Then you care. …

So, you need to read the Times because ofthings like that. You know the difference. You see theguy on the train, he’s got the Times, he’swearin’ a London Fog, he’s got on a six hundred dollarwatch, the headline says “Senate Subcommittee meetsHouse Judiciary” — meanwhile, you’re standing next tohim in a Hard Rock Cafe bomber jacket … you’rereading the Post, you’re lookin’ at a pictureof a naked woman makin’ out with a robot, right? …So, you can keep not readin’ the Times but thenyou have only yourself to blame when you get into oneof those political arguments with your friends – aboutthe American reacquisition of the F-1 bombers. They’reall spouting facts – and the only thing you can thinkof is one of Val Kilmer’s speeches from TopGun. …

I’m Colin Quinn, good night, thank you. Thankah!

[Cheers and applause, music, graphic, pull back,lights dim, fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts