Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

Pier 1 Imports

Kirstie Alley…..Nia Vardalos
Businesswoman…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on Businesswoman sitting at her desk stressing out over a laptop computer ]

[ cut to two-square screen: Kirstie Alley pops up in the first square to slam-close laptop computer; Businesswoman looking surprised and worried in the second square ]

Kirstie Alley: You look stressed, Sister Moon! You need.. shopping therapy. [ bangs chimes ]

[ Show card: “Pier 1 Imports” ]

Kirstie Alley: Pier 1!

[ Kirstie grabs Businesswoman by the hair, and drags her forcefully to Pier 1 ]

Kirstie Alley: I feel a vibe already!

Businesswoman: Oh! Watch it!

Kirstie Alley: Huh! [ grabs candle, thrusts it at Businesswoman’s face ] Here, smell this candle – smell it!!

[ Businesswoman reluctantly smells the candle, as Kirstie Alley continues to run amok ]

Businesswoman: [ on cellphone ] Hello, police? I’ve been kidnapped by the girl from “Cheers”. No. The second one. I’m at the Crabtree Valley Mall. You’ve got-

[ Kirstie Alley sneaks up behind Businesswoman ]

Voiceover: [ over card ] Kirstie Alley is no longer an employee of Pier 1 International.

[ Kirstie tugs forcefully at Businesswoman ]

Businesswoman: Let me go! Please! I’m gonna scream!

[ Kirstie covers Businesswoman’s mouth, muffling her screams of terror ]

Voiceover: [ over card ] If Kirstie Alley approaches you on foot or in a vehicle, and offers to take you to a Pier 1 store, do not go with her.

[ Kirstie holds businesswoman down ]

Kirstie Alley: Re-lax.. it’s like we’re in a meadow – but we’re no-ot!

Voiceover: [ over card ] If you are confronted by Kirstie Alley, speak in quiet tones, and do not look directly into her eyes.

[ Clerk stares dumbfoundedly at Kirstie’s behavior ]

Kirstie Alley: Pier 1! [ turns around, shoves Clerk into a shelf, knocking him and the shelf to the floor ]

Voiceover: [ over card ] Only you can protect yourself from Kirstie Alley.

[ Kirstie wears a soothing face mask, and tosses plastic flowers around the store ]

Kirstie Alley: I’m in a meadow! I really am!

Voiceover: Paid for by Pier 1 International, and the Kirstie Alley Prevention Task Force.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

Dropping The L.B.’s With Missy E

Missy Elliot…..Tracy Morgan
Female Testimonial #1…..Nia Vardalos
Male Testimonial #1…..Jeff Richards
Female Testimonial #2…..Rachel Dratch
Dr. Simone…..Eve

[ show people trying to fit into old, small clothes ]

Announcer: Having a hard time fitting into your high school prom dress?

Need to squeeze into your college marhing band pants just oner more time?

[ show Missy Elliot workout video ]

Then you need the hottest new exercise video on the market – Dropping the L.B.’s with Missy E, starring.. Missy Elliot.

[ dissolve to Missy Elliot in workout clothes standing at gym set ]

Missy Elliot: A hee hee hee hee yow! Hee hee hee hee yow! Are you thick, thick, thick? And want to slim down to just thick? Lord knows I would! I was tired of taking off my thongs and watching my ass go tonka-tonk-tonk! So, me, Missy E, and Timberland produced these exercise videos to help y’all drop the L.B.’s!

Announcer: Combining her off-the-hook dance moves and physically impossible computer-generated stretches, Missy helps you burn the fat and trim yo’ width.

Missy Elliot: [ singing ]
“The weight fluctuates like a roller coaster!
Stick with me, Missy E, and I’ll tell ya ta-ta!
Ta ta ta ta ta-ta ta-ta!”

Listen to my home girl!

[ dissolve to Female Testimonial #1 ]

Female Testimonial #1: I.. love.. this exercise video. It is so challenging. Now, I still can’t do the part where her neck stretche out like chewing gum, and hoopty-hoops through her legs several times.. but just kind of bopping my head makes my heart rate skyrocket, and I have lost two pounds of neck fat! Thanks, Missy Elliot!

[ dissolve back to Missy Elliot ]

Missy Elliot: [ singing ]
“Want to look like Halle Berry in a nice poster?
Just start losing weight with me, tomorrow!
Blah blah-blah-blah blah-blah blah-blah!
Learn to sweat, need a glass of wa-ter!”

[ dissolve to Male Testimonial #1 ]

Male Testimonial: I love Missy’s workout, and it requires no fancy equipment, no expensive gym membership – just the natural ability to get your freak on! Which.. I.. do not have.. But I lost twenty pounds trying! Missy E, your workout is ov-ahhhh!!

[ dissolve back to Missy Elliot ]

Missy Elliot: [ singing ]
“You can drop the pounds!
Stop, don’t make a sound!
Stomach muscle bound!
Pretty firm around!
La-a-a-adies!”

[ dissolve to Female Testimonial #2 ]

Female Testimonial #2: I lost over fourteen pounds. I felt so good about myself, I went out and.. got my nails done! Got a pedicure! Got my her-did! I highly recommend this exercise video. Hollar back, y’all!

[ dissolve back to Missy Elliot ]

Missy Elliot: Take it from me, Missy E – I reached my goal! so can you! Just listen to what my doctor has to say!

Dr. Simone: Hi, I’m Dr. Simone. It has been clinically has proven that, if you lose weight, more people will want to have sex with you. So get in bed, with your old man, and go have fun, baby!

Missy Elliot: Go have fun, baby!

“Do your exercise, watch your portion!
Fly a spaceship, just like a martian!”

[ show Missy Elliot workout video ]

Announcer: Dropping the L.B.’s with Missy E. $29.95 for the videotape..

[ dissolve back to Missy Elliot ]

Missy Elliot: C.O.D. for extra four dollaaaaaars!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

The Ferey Mühtar Talk Show

Ferey Mühtar….Horatio Sanz
Tarik Ozekial….Darrell Hammond
Jacaleechy Alaal….Nia Vardalos
Yebet Farak….Chris Kattan
Drummer….Fred Armisen

[Opens with the Turkish State TV logo]

Announcer: You are watching channel 114, Turkish State supported Television.

[Montage of Ferey smoking all happy on the streets of Turkey. He wears his uni-brow, gold chains and crappy polyester suit]

Tarik Ozekial: Its the Ferey Mühtar talk show! Tonight Ferey’s guest from the hit TV show “Sexy Lifeguard Ladies”, actress Jacaleechy Alaal! Also everybody’s favorite comedy segment, “Funny newspaper mistakes”. And now here he is! The man who takes a licking and keeps on trucking! Ferey Mühtar!

[Ferey comes out super excited smoking his cigarette, wearing his gold chains and crappy polyester suit]

Ferey Mühtar: Good to see you! How is everybody is doing tonight?! All right, all right. Good halamayaya to you all!!! Thank you. Oh, let’s see what’s in the news, man.

Tarik Ozekial: Ok!

Ferey Mühtar: Oh boy! Of course the big news, election! The big election is Recep Tayyip Erdogan is the new prime minister. You hear about this?

Tarik Ozekial: I hear about it.

Ferey Mühtar: Oh my God! He win with 34 % of the vote. Which is a landslide! 34% is a landslide. This country has more parties than P. Diddy!

[rim shot]

[A guy in a guitar and a drummer looking depressed as hell, cigarettes dangling from their mustached lips]

Ferey Mühtar: Oh, thank you, Yeveth! Yebet Farak and the Ferey Mühtar band everybody!

[paralyzed look on the band’s faces]

Ferey Mühtar: Give it up! All right! [kisses his ring, pumps fist] Yallah!!! Ok, say hello to my main man! Pound for pound the classiest man in show business, Mr. Tarik Ozekial! [Tarik sits in his crappy white suit, big mustache, Ferey sits] Oh man! Hot show bro! Hot show!

Tarik Ozekial: Hot show! Big show!

Ferey Mühtar: Tarik! How’s it going, my bro-bro?!

Tarik Ozekial: Aw, yeah.

Ferey Mühtar: Nice suit.

Tarik Ozekial: What?

Ferey Mühtar: I didn’t know AP had a men’s department! [rim shot] [Ferey ululating and laughing hard, Tarik is hurt] Holy moly, Tarik! I’m kidding! But seriously my bro! Was that suit a prize in a box of Frosted Halakashans?! Yayayayayah!!! Holy moly!

Tarik Ozekial: Well, your mother gets boned by goats.

Ferey Mühtar:[surprised] What the hell, man?! Its called banter bro! Banter! Geez louise! I just finished calling you the classiest man in show business.

Tarik Ozekial: I’m sorry, Ferey. Things are weird at home, you know.

Ferey Mühtar: Ok. well, lets forget about it. Lets just bring out our first guest. She is the hottest actress in Turkey. Please welcome, the lovely, the beautiful Jacaleechy Alaal!

[Jacaleechy comes out in a black leather suit smoking with toasted blond hair,uni-brow, Tarik checks her out]

Jacaleechy Alaal: Hello Ferey! [kisses him]

Ferey Mühtar: Oh, so beautiful, so sexy!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Oh, hi Ferey! Thank you for having me! [weird look at Tarik, sits]

Ferey Mühtar: Welcome to the show! Oh, you are superfine tonight Jacaleechy! You are stone cold fox!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Thank you. [earring falls down her shirt] Ooops! Oh! [gets the earring] Better.

Ferey Mühtar: Better, much better. Ok, so now you’re on this show “Sexy Lifeguards Ladies”. Uh, you’re so happening. The show is great!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Yeah, its great for what is happening for me right now. I got the show, doing great. I got 6 movies coming out in May. I got–I just recorded my first CD. [Jacaleechy picks out her nose disgustingly] Going to drop like June 6. [wipes the bugger on the chair, Tarik observes] I designed a set of steak knives for K-Mart. The calendar is to the max. Its great.

Tarik Ozekial: [horny look] You are sooo beautiful.

Ferey Mühtar: [avoiding Tarik’s horniness] We have a sneak preview of the calendar. Jacaleechy, oh my God! You are unbelievable in this thing! Show them the calendar Tarik! Oh, take a gander at this, mo-fos!

[Jacaleechy poses for her 2003 calendar in front of an industrial building in a tank top, hairy armpits, holding a beach ball, sultry look on her face]

Ferey Mühtar: Holy cow, man! You are one red hot fox in that thing, baby!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Thanks! We shot all of this over at the oil refinery in Bakul. I know, tough life, right?! My favorite is October.

Tarik Ozekial: [crazy horny] Oh, yeah. That is the best one.

Ferey Mühtar: Ok, man. Be cool, bro. Take it down–take–its ok. Just open it up and show them October.

Tarik Ozekial: [embarrased] I cannot show them October. I used it.

Ferey Mühtar: Oh, oh my God! Ok, well lets move on. You know, this is a funny story. The other day I was at Krasko Street. Oh man, this is a hot club! Oh my god man! You got 3 dance floors! Oh! You got steam tables full of eggs, my bro! Ooooh, its incredible! And I get sober and who do I see? The lovely, beautiful Jacaleechy Alaal!

Jacaleechy Alaal: I know! I saw you! That was so fun dancing with you, Ferey! We did “The Hustle” for like 3 hours!

Ferey Mühtar: Yeah baby!

Tarik Ozekial: Jacaleechy, I asked you to dance like 10 times! Oh, but you take me like I’m some kind of Armenian or something! Oh, boy! You and Ferey are doing the bump! I am by myself holding cards!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Get off my face! Ok, toilet case! I tell you something, you think I don’t notice everytime you drop your falash you try and look up my skirt?! You think–you are drunk–you think when I go to the restroom I don’t notice your shoes in the stall next to me?!

Tarik Ozekial: Ferey….ok, ok, ok….

Ferey Mühtar: Lets cool it down. Lets take it down a notch!

Tarik Ozekial: You have to believe me! I was sober as a khalil!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Oh!

Ferey Mühtar: Come on man! Come on!

Tarik Ozekial: I was sober!

Jacaleechy Alaal: You–like a khalil?!

Ferey Mühtar: Like a khalil? You think I’m some kind of space man bro?! Didn’t I see you buy an RC and I also see you pull out the goatskin full of raki?! And you put the raki with the RC, you made raki and RCs and you drink it? You think I don’t have eyes?!

Tarik Ozekial: Ferey, I swear to you on my mother’s grave! I have stopped the drinking! Never! I would never take the goatskin with me! Not never!

Ferey Mühtar: Cut the bull-jive, bro!!!!

Tarik Ozekial: Why are you yelling at me?

Ferey Mühtar: Bro-bro! You got the goatskin in your jacket right as we speak my man!!!

Tarik Ozekial: [takes out a goatskin pouch from the jacket, arms up] Ok, ok! [laughs]

Jacaleechy Alaal: You are so busted, you are so busted!

Tarik Ozekial: Totally busted! Totally!

Ferey Mühtar: Oh my God! You are so busted! You got to lay off the hard stuff Mr. Kotter! [Turkish music] Oh no! I can’t believe it that music! Oh! This is not good time dynamite! You can’t jive the bull-jive! I’ll have to stop he show. We are out of time. I want to thank my guest Jacaleechy Alaal.

Jacaleechy Alaal: My pleasure!

Ferey Mühtar: From Tarik Ozekial, this is Ferey Mühtar saying good night!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Good night.

[Turkish State Television logo]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
Maitre’d…..Chris Kattan
Waiter…..Fred Armisen
Falconer’s Ex-Wife…..Nia Vardalos

Announcer V/O: [ over scrolling SUPER ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”

The Falconer: Donald! We’re starving to death! This land that once filled us with life is now barren. One of us must search elsewhere, and only one of us can fly.

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: No, Donald! You! Oh, Donald.. even in these desperate times, you still retain that dry sense of humor. Now you must fly away from these woods and bring back something – a possom, a squirrel.. anything to keep us alive! So, be gone, my friend! Bring us life! Bring us liiiiiiiifffe!!

[ Falcon flies into the air in search of food and salvation; close-up of his steadfast face ]

[ dissolve to Falcon swooping down at a table in an expensive restaurant, as Maitre’d steps forward ]

Maitre’d: [ happily ] Ahhh, Monsieur Falcon! It’s so good to see you! Your usual table!

[ dissolve to Waiter holding holding a classic bottle before the Falcon ]

Waiter: It’s an ’82 Rothschild. [ Falcon squawks ] Yes. It’s our finest Burgundy. [ pours glass of wine, as Falcon sniffs the cork ]

[ dissolve to Falcon eating a spoonful of extra-thick soup ]

[ dissolve to Falcon eating spaghetti sloppily ]

[ dissolve to Falcon being fittedwith a lobster bib, as he gnaws at a lobster claw ]

[ dissolve to Waiter presenting Falcon with Cherries Jubilee ]

Waiter: And, for dessert – Cherries Jubilee. [ lights the cherries on fire ]

Falcon: [ screeches in fear of the flames ]

Waiter: Sorry.. sorry.. sorry.. sorry..

[ dissolve to Falcon drinking a glass of wine ]

[ dissolve to Waiter and Falcon at completion of the meal ]

Waiter: A 100% tip? Thank you, Mr. Falcon. You’re too generous!

[ Falcon’s cell phone rings, he answers it ]

[ Falconer’s Wife is on the other line ]

Falconer’s Ex-Wife: I heard you were in town. Why don’t you come by and say hello?

Falcon: [ squawks and flies into the air ]

[ dissolve to exterior, apartment building ]

[ sounds of Falcon’s high-pitched squawking amid Falconer’s Ex-Wife’s heavy orgasms ]

Falconer’s Ex-Wife: Oh, yeah.. ohhh!!

[ SUPER: “The Next Morning” ]

Falconer’s Ex-Wife: Oh, yeah! That was amazing!

[ Falcon squawks, and flies into the air ]

Falconer’s Ex-Wife: So soon? Why don’t you ever stay for breakfast?! Damn you, Falcon!

[ Falcon flies into the air; close-up of his steadfast face ]

[ Falcon spots a rat in the grass, and swoops down for it ]

[ dissolve to The Falconer, as Falcon swoops down and drops the dead rat in The Falconer’s hands ]

The Falconer: Oh, Donald! I knew I could count on you! We shall split this in half and eat as if t’were our feast, and we two mighty kings!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: What?! The whole thing for me?!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: Even the head? Oh, you are a true friend. Hopefully, one day we can return to society. But until that day, you will be the Falcon.. and I will remain..

Announcer V/O: “The Falconer”!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

CBS News Special Report

Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond
Stephen Carr…..Seth Meyers
Trip Keating…..Jimmy Fallon
Trip’s Slut…..Maya Rudolph
Kid With Fedora…..Fred Armsien
Gwendolyn Schnurr…..Nia Vardalos

Dan Rather: Good evening. Breaking news in our coverage of Election 2002. The results are in, and the democrats are shut out harder than a Nancy Boy at a Texas cathouse. But CBS News aims to give you the most complete coverage. With that in mind, we go now, live, to Stephen Douglas High School in Lakewood, Illinois, and our CBS News Correspondent Stephen Carr.

[ cut to Stephen Carr in the campaign poster-covered halls of Stephen Douglas High School ]

Stephen Carr: Well, Dan, I’m standing here in the cafeteria, and, amidst the aroma of salisbury steak and day-old tater tots, thee’s another distinct smell – the smell.. of change. Let’s take a look at this graphic. [ graphic appears ] In this, one of the most hotly contested student council races that this state has seen in years, all five council seats have been swept by nerds! Degeating the cool kids, in what had been a cool kid hotbed for upwards of forty years.

Dan Rather: Well, grab me by my ankles, dump my head in the toilet and give me a swirlie. Stephen, how did this happen?

Stephen Carr: Well, let’s take a quick run through the races. Secretary was a shocker. Here was a case where a very nerdy girl – Erica “Squarica” Faust – beat a very slutty girl – Noella Forge.

Dan Rather: Wow. One usually expects a vote like this to go the slutty girl.

Stephen Carr: One usually does, Dan. It was a tough week for sluts. With Treasurer, it was a case of the candidates having similar names. Jock cool guy John Thompson ran against huge nerd Tom Johnson. also, their campaign posters were almost identical, both choosing to put pictures of their heads in money.

Dan Rather: Shades of Nixon-McGovern, 1972. Positively eerie.

Stephen Carr: Our exit polling shows that a lot of the stoners and dumb kids may have been confused. Whatever hte reason may be, Tom Johnson – nerd – finds himself heading to the renovated storage closet that is the student council office.

Dan Rather: Well, that leaves the big one. Let’s cut the rest of the lunch line, because they’re running out of sloppy joes, and I don’t have a period. Stephen, something’s heating up here, and it’s not the stack of porno the weird janitor keeps in the boiler room.

Stephen Carr: [ shaking his head ] That’s right, Dan. The student council President. This year we had three candidates, and, in a surprise upset, Gwendoyln Schnurr – nerd – stole it from two cool guys – Shawn Cooper, and Gordo. A classic case of the cool guys splitting the vote. The black cools went with Cooper, the white cools with Gordo. Meanwhile, being a nerd has always transcended race, and Schnurr ran a Nerd First campaign to perfection.

Dan Rather: Well, what about last year’s President, hardline cool guy Trip Keating?

Stephen Carr: Interesting story, Dan. Apparently, Trip was so cool that he took himself out of the running this year, because Student Council as – and these are his words – “Totally gay.” I’m getting word that he’s about to make his final address to the student body. Let’s take you there, now.

[ cut to Trip Keating stepping in front of the podium with his arms wrapped around a slut ]

Trip Keating: Yeah, I guess, uh.. they wanted me to make some stupid speech, or something.. so, whatever. [ opens speech ] “This.. is.. lame..” [ throws his speech to the floor ] Hey, Douglas high can suck it! [ exits ]

Dan Rather: That boy is cooler than Sister Mary Margaret’s nipples on a cold winter’s morning.

Stephen Carr: That’s right, Dan.

Dan Rather: I mean.. I mean.. I mean, I’m not gay, but that boy – whoo!

Stephen Carr: Uh.. uh.. that’s enough, Dan! Come on! We’re gonna take you now, back to the gymatorium, where our winner, Gwendolyn Schnurr, is set to make her acceptance speech.

[ headgear-clad Gwendolyn Schnurr steps up to the podium with her entourage of assorted nerd types ]

Gwendolyn Schnurr: Wow! They said it couldn’t be done!

Dan Rather: Looking at the stage, it seems to be a sea of queerbaits, pizzafaces, derwins, dillweeds, and career masturbators. Is that what I think it is?

Stephen Carr: That’s right – it’s headgear, Dan. Let’s hear what she has to say.

Gwendolyn Schnurr: Wow, they said it couldn’t be done! They said nerds would never rule this school! Well, Stephen Douglas has a new head of hair! And it is oillllllly!! Fro too long, the nerds of this school have been splintered – the marching band nerds, the newspaper nerds, the build-your-own-go-cart nerds! Now we can move about this school as one! But our victory is not just a victory for nerds! We would not be here today without the support of the dorks, the geeks, and, of course, the kid who wears the fedora! [ camera shows kid wearing fedora ] What more to say? what more to say? At a time like this, you just kinda want to say.. ni! Ni!

[ the other nerds join in with the chant of “Ni! Ni!” ]

Gwendolyn Schnurr: I’m so excited, I really am! I can hardly feel my back brace! See you guys at Trig! [ colored balloons fall from the ceiling, many of them bouncing off Gwendolyn’s head ] Ow! Ow, my eye! Ow! [ covers eye ]

Dan Rather: Well.. well, there you have it – the voters have spoken, and they have spoken in Klingon. That’s part of our world this evening. For the CBS Evening News.. Dan Rather. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. This past Tuesday, you went to the polls in the first mid-term election of this presidency, and you made history. As the party holding the White House, Republicans were expected to lose seats in both the house and the Senate. But, because of your support, we actually gained seats, increasing our majority of the house, and returning the Senate to Republican control. Let’s look at the Senate.

[ holds up Senate scoreboard ]

Before the election, its 100 members included 50 Democrats, 49 Republicans, and 1 Independent – Sen. Jeffords of Vermont, the pee-pants who switched parties. That’s 50 Democrats, 49 Republicans, and 1 Independent. On Tuesday, Democrats picked up one seat, in Arkansas. [ writes “+1” under Democrats ] But Republicans gained three, in Georgia, Minnesota and Missouri. [ writes “+3” under Republicans ] Thus, in January, the new Senate will have.. [ adds totals ] ..51 Democrats.. 52 Republicans.. and 1 Independent. [ looks at the board curiously ] No, wait, that can’t be right. [ studies the board carefully ] Wait.. let’s try this.. [ erases wrong totals with his hand, holds up ink-smudged hand to the audience and laughs ]

On Tuesday, Democrats lost three seats.. [ writes “-3” under Democrats ] ..but Republicans only lost one. [ writes “-1” under Republicans ] Which means, come next year, the 100-member Senate will have.. ] adds the totals ] ..47 Democrats.. 48 Republicans.. and 1 Independent. [ looks at the board again ] Hang on. [ studies the board carefuly ] No, that’s right. 47 Democrats, 48 Republicans, and 1 Independent.

Now, let’s look at the races for Governor. [ holds up Governor scoreboard ] Before the election, the 50 state governors included 27 Republicans, 21 Democrats, and 2 Independents. On Tuesday, 36 states held races for Governor. Republicans won 22.. [ writes “+22” under Republicans ] ..Democrats won 14.. [ writes “+14” under Democrats ] So, come January, we will havem by my calculation.. [ adds totals ] ..49 Republican governors.. and 35 Democrats. Although, I believe I’m counting some of them twice here, because that’s too many.

But the numbers aren’t important. You see, this election was about more than how many governors there are. It was about helping your friends. Now, let’s be frank – I’m a popular guy. I like people, with the possible exception of Sen. Jeffords, the little fudge-drawers from Vermont. And, more important, people like me. Perhaps, I thought, if I asked them to, they would also like my friends. That’s why, just before the election, I went on a 5-day, 15-state campaign blitz, in order to help my friends running for office. Just as, on the other side, former President Clinton and Vice-President Gore were doing the same, although, in their case, in a losing effort. [ laughs ] Now, the results are in. I congratulate my friends on their victories. And, as we try to move America forward, I hope I can count on their support – just as former President Clinton and Vice-Preisdent Gore could have counted on the support of those they tried to help, had the outcome been different, and had their help not actually been the Kiss of Death.

One final word. To the American people: you gave me the Republican Senate I asked for, and I won’t let you down. And, to Sen. Jeffords of Vermont: welcome to Hell! Thank you, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

The Bloder Brothers

Chinese Man…..Fred Armisen
Anita…..Nia Vardalos
Kip Bloater…..Jimmy Fallon
Wayne Bloater…..Chris Parnell

Chinese Man: You look like you had a thumbs-down day.

Anita: Well lets see, I hate my job, my friend totaled by car, and I just found out that the guy I’ve been flirting with on the internet is a 60 year old woman named Lu.

Chinese Man: Major bummer.

Anita: I’m getting a nice buzz off this Saki though. I think I’ll have another.

(Chinese Man walks away, camera pans to Bloater Brothers)

Kip Bloater: Saki? I’m Soukee.

Wayne Bloater: And I’m Teri.

Kip Bloater: And we’re the Yahki brothers.

Wayne Bloater: Teriyaki.

Kip Bloater: Soukeaki.

(Both laugh)

Anita: I kind of want to be alone tonight.

Kip Bloater: Well if you’re alone, then we’de like to approve that loan – approved.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: I’ve got to warn you though – this loan’s got high-interest… in you.

(Both laugh)

Chinese Man: Would you like something to start?

Wayne Bloater: Yeah, a relationship with her.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Me too, make it extra spicy.

Chinese Man: I bring you – (untranscribible word that rhymes with other mommy)

Wayne Bloater: Wa-wa. I want my other mommy.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: I’d like some me-so soup because me-so hungry.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: Me-so lonely.

Anita: Me-so want you guys to sit somewhere else.

(Muffled laugh)

Wayne Bloater: How about your lap?

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: How about your bath-tub?

Anita: How about the back of a police cruiser?

Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo!

Kip Bloater: I hope they got a pu-pu platter cause I sort of got to shitaki.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: I think I’ll take the shrimp roll. Oops cancel that, I already have one in my pants.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Well this yellow-tail is good.

Wayne Bloater: Any tail is good.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Many tail is better.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Who are you guys?

Kip Bloater: Well, I’m Kip and this is my brother Wayne.

Wayne Bloater: And were the Bloater Brothers.

Kip Bloater: We used to calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

Wayne Bloater: And now we pose nude for Playgirl and Hunk.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Playgirl and Hunk are the names of our parakeets.

Anita: Somebody call the humane society.

(Both laugh)

Anita: I’m Anita.

Wayne Bloater: And we’re a needy.

(both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Of a warn bod-y.

Wayne Bloater: Because we’re four-ty.

Chinese Man: I made you a special Bento Box.

Kip Bloater: Hey, this box is bento.(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: Yeah we want one that’s straight-o.

(Both laugh)

Chinese Man: You guys are lame-o.

Kip & Wayne: Oooo!

Kip Bloater: Hey, hey, wait… wasabiiiii.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: Wasabiiiii.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Hey guys… what’s wrong with youuuu? (Slight pause) Can you tell me guys, honestly, what do you guys look for in a woman?

Wayne Bloater: I’m pretty picky. I look for pity and a heart-beat.

Kip Bloater: I look for a woman I can deflate and hide from my father.

(Both laugh)

Anita: You guys are a riot. Do you like to party?

Kip Bloater: Well if party means dressing up like R2-D2 and one of the Mario Brothers and drivng around honking the horn, then indeed we party.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: If party means shortsheeting our parents bed and then hiding out in our basement clubhouse, then yeah we party.

(Both laugh)

Anita: How about coming over to my apartment and finishing off a bottle of Russian vodka?

Kip Bloater: Where-ski?

Wayne Bloater: And when-ski?

Anita: How about now-ski?

Kip & Wayne: Utgh-oooo-ski

Anita: I know I have Saki goggles on right now but you guys are so weird you’re cute. Lets go home and let our bodies do the talking.Wayne Bloater: What’s that body – please, don’t let her see my enormous areolas.

Kip Bloater: (body talking) Please don’t let her see the stretch marks on my floppy man breasts.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Okay, you know what? Maybe we should just go get some ice cream.

Wayne Bloater: I scream…

Kip Bloater: You scream…

Wayne Bloater: You would scream if you saw my enormous areolas.

(Both laugh)Anita: You guys are not obviously into this, and I’m drunk and I don’t think I’m drunk enough to have sex with two gia-pets.

Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo! (Laugh…pause) Bye-oooo! (Laugh)

Chinese Man: Here you go.

Wayne Bloater: Whats this?

Chinese Man: Its called oonagi, because you not getting any tonight.

Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo! (Laugh, cry, then laugh again)

(fade)

Submitted by: Ryan Corwin

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 9th, 2002

Nia Vardalos

Eve

None

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bush (Chris Parnell) uses fuzzy math to record Republican election wins.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Nia Vardalos’ Monologue

Tina Fey introduces Vardalos to her Greek family.

Swiffer Sleepers

(Rerun) See: 10/12/02.

Bloater Brothers

Kip (Jimmy Fallon) & Wayne (Chris Parnell) hit on woman (Vardalos) at sushi bar.

Recurring Characters: Kip Bloater, Wayne Bloater.

CBS Special Report

Nerds have overtaken the cool kids in Douglas High student elections.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

La Femme Day Spa

Spa matron (Vardalos) waxes patron’s (Rachel Dratch) stubborn hairs.

Eve performs “Gangsta Lovin'”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Tina Fey & Jimmy Fallon demonstrate sonar security system.

Seth Meyers’ conversation if he’d gone to his 10-year high school reunion.

The Ferey Muhtar Talk Show

Turkish actress (Vardalos) discusses calendar and night out dancing.

Recurring Characters: Ferey Muhtar, Tariq Uzekiel.

The Falconer

Falcon temporarily abandons Falconer (Will Forte) for the good life.

Pier 1

Former spokesman Kirstie Alley (Vardalos) kidnaps businesswoman (Rachel Dratch).

Dropping the L.B.’s with Missy E.

Missy Elliot (Tracy Morgan) workout helps drop a few pounds.

Eve performs “Satisfaction”

Glenda Goodwin: Attorney-at-Law

Glenda Goodwin (Maya Rudolph) sues against unbelievable circumstances.

Community Accents

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez (Horatio Sanz) is easily distracted during issues forum.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

American Morning

Paula Zahn…..Tina Fey
Brent Dunlop…..Eric McCormack
Koatie Jeffers…..Rachel Dratch
Stephanie Lockland…..Amy Poehler
Terrence Peeler…..Chris Parnell

Paula Zahn: Good morning, I’m Paula Zahn. And, sitting in for my usual sidekick Jack Cafferty, this morning, is Brent Dunlop. Brent. Brent, I know you usually work in Atlanta with our own Wolf Blitzer, but, uh, welcome to “American Morning.” Good to have you here.

Brent Dunlop: Thanks, Paula. As you know, it’s a little early for me, so bare with me.

Paula Zahn: [ chuckles playfully ] You’ll be just fine!

Brent Dunlop: Now, Jack told me to watch you like a hawk.

Paula Zahn: [ guffaws ] I don’t know! You crazy guys down at Nightly News are the ones to watch! [ laughs ] Anyway, we are following three stories closely this morning. [ correspondents are shown one-by-one in their various locales ] Terrence Peeler joins us from the UN, where a new round of negotiations are under way. Stephanie Lockland in Russia, with more information about the gas used in last week’s raid. And Koatie Jeffers in Montgomery County, with an update on the sniper suspects.

Brent Dunlop: New developments down there, concerning this case, I understand.

Paula Zahn: Yes, big news. We’ll be talking to Koatie Jeffers in just a minute.. I did want to ask Brent, though, uh.. if he got a chance to see the changing leaves on his way up from Atlanta.

Brent Dunlop: I did. Beautiful color. I love New York in the Fall.

Paula Zahn: Isn’t it beautiful?

Brent Dunlop: Yeah. Oops. Sorry.. [ picks lint from Paula’s shoulder ] A little something there..

Paula Zahn: [ laughing ] Oh, my God! Well, someone from hair and make-up is in big truoble! [ laughs ] Uh.. can I just say that, uh.. this is sort of.. working between us.

Brent Dunlop: I-it is!

Paula Zahn: Yeah.

Brent Dunlop: Right? I feel it.

Paula Zahn: [ a beat ] Are we in love?

Brent Dunlop: Oh, my God.. I.. I thought it was just me.. I didn’t want to be the first one to say it, I.. I do love you.. I love you so much!

Paula Zahn: I’m in love with you, too!

[ they laugh ]

[ SUPER: “Breaking News: Anchors in Love” ]

Paula Zahn: Anyway, Koatie.. what’s happening down in, uh.. down in, uh.. [ laughs ] I am so embarrassed! Uh.. in Montgomery County.. we’re hearing new developments that have increased the death toll.

Koatie Jeffers: Yes, Paula. Investigators are now trying to link Mohamed and Malvo to several unsolved crimes in different states. Um.. but, putting that aside for a second.. I just want to say that.. you too.. [ chuckles happily ]

Brent Dunlop: Go on!

Koatie Jeffers: Well..!

Paula Zahn: You can say it!

Koatie Jeffers: You’re so in love! I love that you’re in love!

Paula Zahn: Believe me, we love being in love.

Brent Dunlop: [ reflective ] Ah.. love is great. Kiss?

[ they kiss ]

Paula Zahn: I love you.

Brent Dunlop: Ohhh.. ditto.

Koatie Jeffers: You guys! I’m so jealous!

Paula Zahn: Stephanie Lockland, standing by in Russia, with the latest on the gas that killed so many in that raid. Stephanie, I’ve got to ask you, uh.. what do you think of our love?

Stephanie Lockland: [ stone-faced ] Ar-are you guys nuts?

Brent Dunlop: We’re love nuts! [ laughs with Paula ]

Stephanie Lockland: I’m just going to enter my report like this is a news show.

Paula Zahn: [ mimicking ] Ohh, she’s so serious! [ laughs ]

Stephanie Lockland: The American Embassy has learned that the gas used to subdue the rebels in last week’s raid was one of high potency..

Paula Zahn: [ to Brent ] I love you so much..

Brent Dunlop: I love you.. so.. much.

Paula Zahn: You’re so sweet..

Brent Dunlop: God, I.. I, uh.. got you this.. [ removes small box from jacket pocket ]

Paula Zahn: [ excited and surprised ] What! Oh, you didn’t! What is it?

Brent Dunlop: Well.. open it.

Paula Zahn: Oh, my God.. oh, my God.. [ opens package ] Huh.. pearls! I love pearls!

Brent Dunlop: They’re earrings.

Paula Zahn: I knew that! [ they giggle ] Oh.. Terrence, have we seen some movement from the French on this UN resolution?

Terrence Peeler: [ shaking head ] I.. guess.. I don’t know. What I’m seeing is two people very much in love. And, when you get right down to it, what has news got to do with the way two people feel? I mean, I could talk about UN stuff, but.. really.. [ singing ] ““Looooovvvee.. look at the two of yooooouuu..“

Brent Dunlop: [ laughing ] Terrence Peeler! Stop it! No, that was very nice!

Paula Zahn: Oh, so sweet.. so sweet..

Stephanie Lockland: Hey! Come on! Cut this out, this is the news! Act professionally!

Brent Dunlop: I wonder if she’s in Russia? [ laughs ]

Paula Zahn: Yeah! Thanks a lot, Stephanie – bye!

Brent Dunlop: Bye!

Paula Zahn: Koatie?

Koatie Jeffers: Those earrings are so great! [ excited ] You are so.. LUCKY!!

Paula Zahn: He’s a great guy. I think I’ll keep him! [ chuckles, as Brent begins kissing her all over her neck ] Ooh! Uh.. when we return.. stop it! [ Brent laughs ] A new study shows that world hunger is said to be the leading cause of death. [ cue romantic music ] And, of course, more love.

[ Terrence Peeler leaves UN landscape to enter the news set ]

Terrence Peeler: [ singing ] “Loooooovvee.. look at the two of yoooooouuuu.. strangerrrrrrs.. in many waaaaayyys..“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

Z105

Joey Mack…..Jimmy Fallon
Councilman Gik…..Eric McCormack

[ open on metro area traffic scene, to the sounds of morning zoo radio Z-105 ]

Joey Mack V/O: Good morning, Saugurtes! Joey Mack & The Fuzz coming at ya – Andrea’s gonna give us a traffic report pretty soon!

Andrea V/O: It’s gonna be rough out there, you guys!

Joey Mack V/O: All that and more!

[ dissolve to interior, radio booth, only one on-air personality visible at the mike ]

Joey Mack: You’ve been listening to Z-105 all morning, and you’re listening to the best! [ pot rock music up ] Alright! Anyway. So, I was with this girl last night, right, and things get crazy.. she puts her finger where it’s not supposed to go. I don’t know why they do that. Anyways! Making me toast the next morning, I notice her fingernails are all brown – oh, my God! [ laughs ] It’s 5:43 in the A.M. here – we’ll be right back with the morning mix!

Joey Mack: Hey! Councilman Gik?

Councilman Gik: Yeah. I’m, uh.. looking for Joey Mack & The Fuzz.. the Z-105 Morning Crew..?

Joey Mack: Yeah! Come on in, come on! Thank you so much for coming! We’re excited here!

Councilman Gik: There’s an election coming.. I thought I would get the word out.

Joey Mack: Put your headphones on, we’re psyched to have you, thank you so much! This is great!

Councilman Gik: [ looking around the booth ] It sounded like there were.. a lot more people in here.

Joey Mack: Oh, yeah, yeah! Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it.

And we’re baaaaack! It’s 5:24 in the A.M. here, we got a special guest in the studio.. [ Man-in-the-Box voice ] Is it Pamela Lee? [ Joey ] Man In The Box! Get back in there! No, it’s not Pamela Lee! We’ve got Councilman Bill Gik, he’s running for Mayor this week.

Councilman Gik: Thank you.. it’s, uh, nice to be here.. I’m running for County Legislator.

Joey Mack: Anyway.. I gotta ask you a question. You’re in politics, right?

Councilman Gik: Yeah.

Joey Mack: Now, we can’t say the word, because this is radio, but you know what I’m talking about. Do you get a lot of wounaki?

Councilman Gik: W-wounaki..? I-I-I don’t know what you’re-

Joey Mack: Come on, you’re an ordinary guy, hey! I’ll tell you who’s gettin’ a lot of wounaki – it’s our traffic girl Andrea. [ Andrea voice ] Come on, you guys! I do not, you don’t even know! [ Joey ] I’ll tell you what. I heard Andrea went on a date last night.. [ Man -in-the-box voice ] I heard she gave up the wounakiiiii! [ Joey ] Man-in-the-box! [ Andrea voice ] I can’t believe it! [ Joey ] Now, Andrea.. at Cactus Jack’s, right? You’re there with this guy Brian, Ryan, I don’t know what’s his name? [ Andrea voice ] You know his name is Brian, you guys, he’s nice! [ Joey ] Anyway. Andrea’s out with this guy – Brian, Ryan, whatever his name is, alright? Let me get this straight – the guy uses a coupon.. [ Man-in-the-box voice ] Cheap-ooooo! [ Joey ] Good call, Man-in-a-box! I mean, where’d you meet this guy, in Costco? [ Andrea voice ] Come on, you guy’s he’s frugal! [ Joey ] Alright, my question is: Did he give her half-off the wounaki? It’s 5:26 in the a.m., we’ll be right back!

[ to Councilman Gik ] So, uh.. how’s the election going?

Councilman Gik: Uh.. good, I-I guess.. Am I going to get to talk about the issues?

Joey Mack: Yeah, yeah, sure! Is there something you want to plug, or..

Councilman Gik: Well, I’d like to talk about the Hastings Paper Mill, it’s polluting Hardy Pond, it’s killing all the-

Joey Mack: Hold on a second. [ on the mike ] And we’re baaaack! It’s 5:27 in the a.m. Councilman Bill Gik is here. We were talking about an important issue during the break..

Councilman Gik: Yes, we were.

Joey Mack: Uh, now, Councilman, honestly – how many times a day did you say you stroke it?

Councilman Gik: Wha-what?!

Joey Mack: Two times? Three times? [ Andrea voice ] You guys! [ Joey ] Uh, he’s pointing up, Andrea! Four times?!

Councilman Gik: [ outraged ] I didn’t say that I-

Joey Mack: [ Man-in-the-box voice ] It’s very possible! [Joey ] Now, we got our intern, Sonji, just came in here. Sonji, Councilman Gik says he spanks it four times a day!

Councilman Gik: I did not say that!

Joey Mack: Is that possible? [ Sonji voice ] I do not know, that is impossible.. oh, my god, I don’t believe this.. [ Joey ] Sonji, did you hear that Andrea’s date used a coupon at Cactus Jack’s! [ Sonhi voice ] No, I did not hear that.. that is funny! Oh, he used a coupon on a date! [ Joey ] Now, Councilman, you heard about the coupon, right?

Councilman Gik: [ exasperated ] No, I didn’t..

Joey Mack: [ Man-in-the-box voice ] I heard that he didn’t need any coupons [ Joey ] Why is that, Man-in-the-box? [ Man-in-the-box voice ] Because her panties were half-off! [ andrea voice ] Man-in-the-box! [ Man-in-the-box ] It was all-you-can-eat wounaki buffet! [ Joey ] Alright! It’s 5:27 in the a.m. here. We got a caller on Line 1. Caller, you’re on the air! [ Caller voice ] Uh, hi there, Councilman. Gary. [ Joey ] Hey, Gary’s a typical guy, right? It’s me, Joey Mack! [ Andrea voice ] And Andrea! [ Man-in-the-box voice ] What’s up, Gary? It’s me, Man-in-the-box! [ Sonji voice ] It’s me – Sonji! [ Joey ] And? [ holds microphone towards Councilman Gik ]

Councilman Gik: [ hesitant ] Bill..

Joey Mack: Gik is here! Uh.. Gary, do you have a question for Councilman Gik? [ Caller voice ] Uh, yeah, I have a question about your opponent?

Councilman Gik: [ suddenly psyched ] Uh, yes! Janice Rhiney. go ahead.

Joey Mack: [ Caller voice ] Yeah, I-I-I was wondering, uh.. did she give you any wounaki? [ Joey ] Ha ha ha! [ Sonji vice ] Oh, my God, that is hilarious! [ Joey ] The gang wants to know if you’re sticking it to your opponet Janice Rhiney!

Councilman Gik: [ outraged ] What?! No!

Joey Mack: He’s winking! He’s winking at me, folks!

Councilman Gik: I am not!

Joey Mack: [ Man-in-the-box voice ] I’d like to stick it in her rhiney!

Councilman Gik: Ohh, come on! It’s 5:30 in the morning!

Joey Mack: Hey, leave me out of this, alright? That’s between you and the Man-in-the-box!

Councilman Gik: What Man-in-the-box?! There is no Man-in-the-box!

Joey Mack: [ solemn ] I’m gonna be honest with you right now – I have a boner! [ presses button to make springing sound effect ] Okay! I’m excited right now! [ Councilman Gik stands to leave ] Uh-oh! Councilman Gik’s trying to get a peek over here!

Councilman Gik: You know, I’m just gonna go!

Joey Mack: Alright, see you later. Councilman Gik is great, great guy that councilman, I like him a lot. [ Man-in-the-box voice ] I think that guy pooped his paaaants! [ Joey ] Man-in-the-box! Now, wait – Councilman Gik’s coming.. he’s back.. what did he say.. he came back in here, how are you doing? [ Councilman Gik voice ] Uh.. hey, everybody.. I’m Councilman Gik.. I pooped my pants. [ Andrea voice ] Euuuggh, that’s gross! [ Man-in-the-box ] I knew he did it! [ Joey ] Oh, my God! Councilman Gik pooped his pants! That’s crazy! It’s 5:31 in the a.m., we’ll be right back..

Councilman Gik: [ running back in to defend himself ] I did not poop my pants! Is this on?! I did NOT poop my pants!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts