Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Rita’s Thanksgiving

Rita…..Cheri Oteri
Rita’s Mom…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
Mike the Cop…..Colin Quinn

[ open on Rita Delvecchio’s Kitchen – Rita preparing Thanksgiving dinner as the phone rings ]

Rita: [ answers phone ] Happy Thanksgiving! Hi, Bella! Oh, yeah, you kidding? I got a full house going! Ah, some are watching the game, some are planning their next crime – don’t listen, Bella!

Nephew: [ runs into the kitchen ] Uncle Joe would like a beer!

Rita: In the fridge, baby, in the fridge.. [ into the phone ] How’s yuor turkey, how many pounds did you get? Yeah? How long did it.. [ hears her nephew open the beer and sip it ] Okay, that’s it! [ chases him out of the kitchen ] No more kids getting beers for adults! Okay!! Any kid who can’t walk a straight line by dinner gets my foot for dessert! [ back to the phone ] Ahh.. no, my mother’s down in the basement, I don’t know what the hell she’s doing down there. Hey! Listen, what’s the update on Frank Sinatra’s help? Let me hear. [ lights candle in front of Sinatra shrine above her microwave ] You’re kidding! Hold on, one second.. [ yells into the living room ] Everybody! Frank sat up! [ the family cheers, Rita returns to the phone ] Alright, baby, I gotta go. Talk to you later.Bye bye! [ Rita’s Mom pops out of the basement carrying a crate of sodas ] Ma! What the hell are you doing down there, don’t carry that yourself! What, are you crazy?

Rita’s Mom: The kids need more pop!

Rita: The kids are smashed, Ma!

Rita’s Mom: No, they’re not. They’re just happy.

Rita: Just sit down, Ma.

Rita’s Mom: [ flops into a chair ] Alright, alright, I’ll finishstuffing the shells. When was the last time you basted the turkey?

Rita: Three minutes ago, Ma!

Rita’s Mom: Rita, where did you the ricotta cheese to stuff these shells?

Rita: I don’t know.. Tony’s.

Rita’s Mom: How could you support Tony’s store?!

Rita: I know, I know.. when he spends all his money buying high-class jewelry for his girlfriends..

Rita’s Mom: His poor wife’s walking around in a rabbit fur poncho.

Rita: It don’t affect the cheese, Ma!

Rita’s Mom: It does if you cook it with love, like I taught ya.

Rita: There’s love in there. Keep beating. Keep beating.

Niece: [ runs into the kitchen ] Aunt Rita, we’re starving!

Rita: [ pushes her niece out of the kitchen ] Yeah? So are Sally Struthers’ kids! Now, go upstairs! Finish watching “The Sound of Music” upstairs! And stay away from Grandma’s moustache cream – it’s poison!

Rita’s Mom: It won’t hurt e’m! Let ’em have fun. [ notices Rita’s stirring in the pot ] Martha Stewart says not to stir while you simmer.

Rita: Martha Stewart. If I hear Martha Stewart tell me how to cook one more time, I’m gonna shove a cornish game hen down that WASPy bitch’s throat!

Rita’s Mom: She’s bad! I hear she doesn’t pay her bills – and she’s single. There’s a surprise.

[ a knock is heard at the kitchen door – Mike the Cop enters ]

Mike the Cop: Hi, Rita! Hi, Mrs. Sylvestri. Happy Thanksgiving. [ kisses Rita’s Mom on the cheek ]

Rita: Happy Thanksgiving, Mike! Ma, you know Mike the Cop?

Rita’s Mom: Sure, sure. Did ya eat?

Mike the Cop: Not yet. My wife forgot to thaw out the turkey, so we won’t be eating ’til after the Rose Bowl.

Rita: [ explaining to her curious Ma ] She’s Irish.

Rita’s Mom: Oh-h-h..

Mike the Cop: Rita, I hate to bug you about this, but you gotta get rid of some of those Thanksgiving decorations off your lawn, or I’m gonna have to give you a citation.

Rita’s Mom: Who called? Who called to complain?

Rita: I know who it was, Ma – my neighbor, Therese de Castiglione! The one with the see-through housecoat. Yeah, you oughtta give her latest hairdo a citation, that ugly pain in the ass!

Mike the Cop: Come on, Rita! You know it’s not me!

Rita’s Mom: She knows. Don’t worry, baby. Grab a piece of pepperoni and go in the living room with the guys!

Mike the Cop: Thanks. [ grabs a piece of pepperoni and retreats to the living room ] Sorry, Rita..

Rita: That’s okay.

[ the sound of something hitting the house is heard ]

Rita’s Mom: What the hell was that??!

Rita: What now?! What now?! [ runs onto her porch to inspect ]Sheesh! It’s the head of my Miles Standish! [ yells at the distant kids ] You mothers have no respect your forefathers, you know that! Guess what? I keep it! It’s mine! Wait a second.. it is mine.. Oh, yeah? Keep running, ’cause the next time I’ll kick you in your Plymouth Rocks!

Rita’s Mom: You heard her, you pill-poppers! Spoon-cookin’ bastards!! [ Rita’s Mom’s Mayflower is tossed onto the porch ] They broke my Mayflower!

Rita: Go get ’em, Ma! Show ’em what you’re made of! [ Rita’s Mom runs outside to take care of the delinquent kids ]

Rita’s Mom: [ hobbles back ] Great! I threw my shoe! Now I’m out a wedgie!

Rita: Come on, Ma, it’s Thanksgiving. It’s a day to think aboutwhat ya got.

Rita’s Mom: You’re right, Rita.. And I’m gonna have a dry turkey on my hands if you don’t baste it, for crying out loud!

Rita: Ma! If I baste it anymore, I’ll be committing a sin.

Rita’s Mom: Why?

Rita: ‘Cause I’ll be a Master-Baster! Ma!

Rita’s Mom: Oh, Rita, you’re bad!

Rita: Aw, Ma, you set me up, you bitch! I mean.. Ma! Ma!

[ they kiss and return to preparing the Thanksgiving feast ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Janet Reno’s Dance Party

Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
Teen 1…..Ana Gasteyer
Teen 2…..Molly Shannon
Teen 3…..Jim Bruer
….. Mayor Rudolph Giuliani

[ open on teenagers dancing with Janet Reno in her basement ]

[ Music Open: “My Sharona”, The Knack ]

Announcer: And now from the home of the attorney general of the United States, it’s time for Janet Reno’s Dance Party!

Janet Reno: [ Music stops ] Hi, I’m Janet Reno. Welcome to Janet Reno’s Dance Party, coming to you live from my basement. Say, I really like dancing to that song. I wanna dance to it again.

[ Music: “My Sharona”, The Knack, Janet begins dancing ]

Janet Reno: [ Stops dancing ] OK, that’s enough dancing. [ Music stops ]. Now it’s time for a segment of the show that I like to call “Teen Talk”, where I roll up my sleeves and shoot straight with the kids of today, as we tackle the issues that affect them most.

[ Janet and teens sit in bleachers ]

Janet Reno: [ to Teen 1 ] Well, hello, how’s this year’s school year going?

Teen 1: Um, pretty good, I like most of my classes —

Janet Reno: Shut your mouth, you dirty liar! [ to Teen 2 ] Do you belong to any clubs?

Teen 2: Yeah, um, I’m president of the Latin club.

Janet Reno: You’re such a liar. [ to Teen 3 ] Do you play any sports?

Teen 3: I run cross country.

Janet Reno: OK, I’m sick of all your lies. Now, I want you to shut up if you can, and listen to what my next guest has to say. He was named associate attorney general in 1981, but now he’s just the mayor of New York, so uuh. Please welcome super-hunk Rudolph Giuliani.

[ Rudolph Giuliani comes down the stairs, walks over, and sits next to Janet ]

Rudolph Giuliani: Thank you, Janet. Hi kids!

Teens: Hi Mr. Giuliani!

Janet Reno: Shut it! Everyone shut up! So, how does it feel to be interviewed by the attorney general of the United States – the job you only dreamed about having. It must feel like crap.

Rudolph Giuliani: Well, Janet, I haven’t done that bad for myself. You know, I may not be in charge of the Justice Department, but I am the mayor of New York.

Janet Reno: My throwing stars and numchucks will make you the mayor of pain.

Rudolph Giuliani: What was that?

Janet Reno: Nothing. So, getting back to how jealous you are of me.

Rudolph Giuliani: I – I don’t know how you got that impression; I don’t want your job. I’d rather be in New York than in Washington. I’m not jealous of you, Janet.

Janet Reno: Then why don’t you prove that in the ring? Huh? How ’bout it, kids? Would you like to see us box? [ Puts on boxing gloves, steps down to the dance floor ]

Teens: Yeah!

Janet Reno: Ah, the sweet science! Boxing!

Rudolph Giuliani: Janet, this is ridiculous! I’m not gonna – I’m not gonna box with you!

Teens: Come on! Do it!

Rudolph Giuliani: I’m not gonna put these gloves on! [ Teens help him put boxing gloves on, he steps down to dance floor ]

Janet Reno: That ain’t regulation, chump! Alright, tough guy, if I win, you’ve gotta tell everybody that I’m the boss of you. How does that sound, you big baby?

Rudolph Giuliani: Janet, I wouldn’t hit anybody, let alone a middle-aged woman.

Janet Reno: [ Holds hand up to her ear ] What’s that, fist? He talks too much? Then I think it’s time for operation shutty uppy. [ Gets ready to fight ]

Rudolph Giuliani: [ Trying to hold Janet back ] Come on, Janet, stop this nonsense!

[Janet Reno punches Rudolph Giuliani in the gut ]

Rudolph Giuliani: Alright, there’s nothing that says a mayor can’t defend himself. Janet Reno, prepare to eat it, Giuliani-style!

[ Janet Reno and Rudolph Giuliani box. Janet Reno knees Rudolph Giuliani in the groin ]

Rudolph Giuliani: Oh! You box dirty!

Janet Reno: Then how comes my conscience is so clean??

Rudolph Giuliani: Alright, Janet, you win!

Janet Reno: Then, say it!

Rudolph Giuliani: Janet Reno is the boss of me.

Janet Reno: [ punches Rudolph Giuliani in the gut ] Again!

Rudolph Giuliani: Janet Reno is the boss of me!

Janet Reno: [ Punches Rudolph Giuliani in the gut ] Again!

Rudolph Giuliani: Thank God not that many people watch your show.

Janet Reno: Oh, guess again, punk! [ Punches Rudolph Giuliani in the gut ] Again!

Rudolph Giuliani Janet Reno is the boss of me —

[ Camera zooms out to reveal big screen in Times Square playing the show ]

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: Rasberry0723

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Perspectives

Lionel Osbourne…..Tim Meadows
…..Mayor Rudolph Giuliani

[ American flag is shown announcing the end of broadcast day ]

[ WNBC Channel official title card appear ]

V/O : That concludes our broadcast day, but first stay tuned for “Perspectives”.

[ Shot of “Perspectives” set. SUPER: Perspectives ]

V/O : Fulfilling WNBC’s community programming requirements, “Perspectives”, with your host; Lionel Osbourne.

Lionel Osbourne : Good Morning! It’s Sunday 4:49 in the A.M, and that means it’s time for “Perspectives”! I’m your host Lionel Osbourne and my guest today is running for the office of Mayor of New York City. His name is Rudolph Giuliani. He’s here to talk about his campaign and his plans for the future of the city. [ Turns to host ] Welcome to the show.

Rudolph Giuliani : Thanks Lionel, I should say that I was originally scheduled to appear on the show during my campaign, but I got a little busy.

Lionel Osbourne : Fantastic!

Rudolph Giuliani : I should also mention that the elections are over

Lionel Osbourne : Outstanding!… So ah, who won?

Rudolph Giuliani : I did.

Lionel Osbourne : Congratulations! [ Turns to camera ] If you’re just joining us it’s 4:51 in the A.M. You’re watching “Perspectives”! I’m your host Lionel Osbourne and, with us his the new Mayor of New York, Rudoph Giuliani. He’s here to talk about his new job and his plans for the city. [ Turns to guest, looks at his card ] Now it says here that your are running to become the 107th Mayor of New York.

Rudolph Giuliani : Well, I’m am the 107th Mayor of New-York. Actually I’ve been the 107th Mayor, for four years now.

Lionel Osbourne : Fantastic! So you must like being Mayor!

Rudolph Giuliani : Well yes, it’s um, rewarding but hard work! People thought the city was unmanageable but I proved them wrong. There was the perception that this city was an unlivable drug and crime infested cesspool. I wanted to change that image.

Lionel Osbourne : Well good luck! [ Turns to camera ] If you’re just joining us it’s 4:53 in the A.M. and this is “Perspectives”. I’m your host Lionel Osbourne and my guest today is the new reelected Mayor of the crime and infested cesspool: New York, New York. The 107th Mayor is here to talk about his plans for the future! [ Turns to guest ] Now Rudy um, who was the 106th?

Rudolph Giuliani : That would be David Dinkins.

Lionel Osbourne : So you beat David Dinkins?

Rudolph Giuliani : Yes I did.

Lionel Osbourne : That is not fantastic.

Rudolph Giuliani : I’m sorry Lionel it’s just that when I took over the job of Mayor, the city had a lot of serious problems that were left over by the previous Mayor. The city’s crime rate was high, the welfare was at a record ;level, taxes kept new businesses away, and a lot of this, you know it was due to David Dinkins…

Lionel Osbourne : Mm. Any other time I would say “fantastic” or “outstanding”, but you just put down my good friend David Dinkins, a men who in my opinion is both… fantastic and outstanding! You sir have offended me.

Rudolph Giuliani : Well I’m sorry Lionel.

Lionel Osbourne : That’s okay [ Turns to the camera ] If you’re just joining us it’s 4:57 in the A.M. You’re watching “Perspectives”. I’m your host Lionel Osbourne and my guest today is Rudolph Giuliani, the new Mayor of New-York city and, he just offended me deeply but that’s okay. [ Turns to guest ] Now Rudy it says here that you have some innovative new ideas for our city.

Rudolph Giuliani : Yes I do, I’d begin with our educational program– [ Ending music starts ]

Lionel Osbourne : I’m sorry we’re out of time! That’s all the time we have on “Perspectives” and I’d like to thank Mayor Rudolph Giuliani for stopping by. Hey maybe you could come back after the next election!

Rudolph Giuliani : I can’t run again.

Lionel Osbourne : Fantastic! This has been “Perspectives” my guest next week will be Ruth Messenger who is also running for Mayor. [ Turns to guest ] Now do you know her?

Rudolph Giuliani : Not really not really.

Lionel Osbourne : All right then, this has been “Perspectives”.

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: P-Y

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Saddam Hussein…..Will Ferrell
…..Mayor Rudolph Giuliani
Aide…..Tim Meadows

[ open on “Nightline” graphics ]

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: If you’ve just joined us, we’ve been talking to Iraqi president Saddam Hussein. Now, Mr. Hussein, I must ask: now that your latest conflict has cooled down, do you regret using human shields to protect weapon arsenals?

[ cut to Hussein, live via satellite ]

Saddam Hussein: No! I will do it again. If the U.S. wants to bomb my arsenals, then they’ll have to kill ALL the starving women and children I’ve lured there with false promises of food and water!

Ted Koppel: Why are you willing to do this?

Saddam Hussein: Because chemical weapons are a key part of my plan for global genocide? And that plan starts with wiping out the entire U.S. pouplation with anthrax!

Ted Koppel: Very strong words, sir!

Saddam Hussein: Also, at this time, I’d like to take a moment to say “Hi!” to my good, dear, dear friend — and mayor of New York City — Rudy Giuliani!

[ cut to Gracie Mansion, as a sistraught Giuliani watches “Nightline” ]

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: What the hell?! [ the phone rings immediately; Giuliani answers ] Hello? Yes, I just saw it. No, I don’t know him! [ he hangs up angrily ]

Saddam Hussein: Yes! Over the past few years, I’ve been through some difficult times, and, through thick and thin, Mayor Giuliani has always remained a loyal friend! A real source of strength and inspiration!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: That’s a lie!!

[ a knock at the door, as Giuliani’s Aide enters ]

Aide: Excuse me, sir? Are you watching “Nightline”?

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Yes!

Aide: Did you meet Hussein in Law School or something?

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: [ outraged ] No, I never met that madman!

Ted Koppel: Saddam, are you sure you’re talking about Rudolph William Giuliani, New York City’s 107th Mayor?

Saddam Hussein: [ smiling ] The 107th Mayor and my #1 friend — yes!

Aide: Why would he say those things?

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Why does he do ANY of the crazy things he does?! The man’s INSANE!!

[ the phone rings again ]

Aide: I’ll — I’ll get it, sir. [ answers the phone ] Gracie Mansion. Oh. I see. Yes, yes, I’ll tell him. [ Giuliani sighs ] Sorry, sir. Your approval rating already dropped 90 points.

[ Giuliani covers his face with his hands ]

Ted Koppel: After this commercial break, we’ll be back with more about the very close bond between Saddam Hussein and Rudolph Giuliani.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Well, what the hell are we going to do?

Aide: Well, sir, we need to call a camera crew and get you on the air to refute his claims — NOW!!

[ dissolve to “Nightline” graphics, as the program returns from commercial ]

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: We are back now. Mr. Hussein, do you have anything else you’d like to add?

Saddam Hussein: [ sternly ] I’ll kill anything that moves! [ a beat ] And, I think Giuliani has a great smile! [ he smiles ]

Ted Koppel: Excuse me, Mr. Hussein, I have just been told that we have Mayor Giuliani joining us live from Gracie Mansion in New York City —

Saddam Hussein: [ excited ] Oh, good!

Ted Koppel: Mayor, welcome to the program.

[ cut to Giuliani at Gracie Mansion ]

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Hi, Ted. Thanks for having me on such short notice.

Saddam Hussein: Hello, old friend!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: [ annoyed ] I’ve never met the madman before!!

Saddam Hussein: I would just like to say, here and now, that Saddam Hussein believes that Rudy Giuliani would make a great President!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: [ outraged ] Don’t SAY that!!

Saddam Hussein: And, if you want to put that quote on one of your political ads, feel free!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: I really don’t need your endorsement!!

Saddam Hussein: Well, no charge — that’s a freebie. Call it a favor from a friend!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: I am NOT your friend!

Saddam Hussein: Oh, come on! [ chuckling ] What are you doing to me, Roots! I mean, it’s ME! The Saddamster! Hey! Rudy! Do you remember when we went to see “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”?

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: [ shaking his head ] NO-O-O-O!!

Saddam Hussein: We threw toast at the screen! [ smiles ] Come on, let’s do the Time Warp again!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: I don’t know how to do the Time Warp!

Saddam Hussein: [ singing ] “It’s just a jump to the left! Adn a step to the ri-i-ight!”

Ted Koppel: [ cutting in ] “You put your hands on your hips, and bring your knees in tight.” [ Hussein smiles ] I love that movie! I haven’t thought about it in years! You’re alright, Saddam-meister!

Saddam Hussein: You’re not so bad yourself, Dr. Ted-enstein.

Ted Koppel: Hey, Saddam, would you like to get together sometime?

Saddam Hussein: Yes! I would love it!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Ted! What the hell are you doing?! Have you lost your mind?!

Ted Koppel: [ aggressively ] Back off, Giuliani! You lost a friend, and now you can’t deal with it! [ turns to Hussein ] Saddam, are you ocming to the States any time soon?

Saddam Hussein: [ mock pouty-faced ] I don’t know, I’ve never been invited.

Ted Koppel: Well, let me be the first. I’ve got a fold-out futon in my living room.

Saddam Hussein: “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” [ he and Ted share the laugh ] No, really! Let’s meet up in New York!

Ted Koppel: Okay! It sure is nice to make a new friend.

Saddam Hussein: It sure is.

[ dissolve to images of Ted and Hussein together in New York — feeding the pigeons, sharing hoagies in the park, rollerblading, and having a wine and cheese picnic complete with guitar ]

[ music over: muzak version of Stephen Bishop’s “It Might Be You” ]

Ted Koppel V/O: Some people think it’s odd that a newscaster and a genocidal maniac can become best buddies. I’ll admit Saddam does occasionally irritate me — like when he told me that he liked the band Sugar Ray, or when he overuses the phrase “Don’t go there!”

[ show Hussein surprising Ted with a single red rose ]

Ted Koppel V/O: Aside from that, I’m just crazy about him! He brings out feelings in me I thought had died years ago.

[ Ted and Hussein share a carriage ride through Central Park, laughing and smiling in one another’s company ]

Ted Koppel V/O: We decided to buy a time-share in Boca Raton. I’ll look forward to growing old with this wonderful man. The man I call… my best friend.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s Monologue

…..Mayor Rudolph Giuliani
Sid…..Norm MacDonald

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Mayor Rudy Giuliani!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! Hello, everyone. It’s GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Some people, uh, said this could be a big risk for me. Prosecuting the MOB is risky! After all, tonight, if I’m not good, what are they gonna do — blow up my car?

But it truly has been a fantastic year. As you know, I was recently re-elected to a second term as Mayor of New York City. [ the audience cheers ] Thank you. Thank you. And I’m proud to say that New York is now safer and more liveable than it’s EVER been! [ the audience cheers louder ] People are riding the subways again. And they’re walking in the park. In fact, New York is SO safe, I’d like to take this moment to officially announce that it is, once again, all right to… HITCHHIKE! That’s right! I’m launching a new campaign designed to get people hitching again, in New York!

[ Hitchhiking graphic appears on bottom left corner of the screen ]

Jingle: “Start Hitchhiking New Yoooork!!”

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Finally, New Yorkers can stick a thumb out and get a ride from a stranger again! Just like they could years ago! Now, let’s talk to am excited hitchhiker I picked up on the way over here! [ a disheveled hitchhiker named Sid steps out and joins Giuliani at Home Base ] This is Sid.

Sid: [ in a lightly disgruntled tone ] Hey.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Sid, are you excited about the return of hitchhiking to New York?

Sid: Oh yeah… I’ve been waitin’ for this a long time.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Will you — will you be hitching, or giving a ride?

Sid: Hell, I’ll do both — I can get a car, easy. Listen, anybody out there needs a ride, I’ll take ’em somewhere.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: If they’re going your way, of course?

Sid: Yeahhhh, I’ll take ’em. I’ll take ’em to the reservoir, or the quarry, or the abandoned soap factory, wherever they want.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: THAT’S the spirit! Thanks, Sid! [ Sid nods ] Il’l meet you by the car! Thank you!

Sid: Yeah. [ Sid steps away ]

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: So start hitchhiking, New Yorkers and tourists, one and all! Because the Big Apple is safe again! Safe for hitchhiking, and dozens of other activities. Activities, like: [ as the words appear onscreen ]

“Leaving your bike unlocked!”

“Going out with your front door wide open!”

“Dropping your children off in a subway station, in lieu of daycare!”

“Waving to youths on the streets and saying, “Nice colors!”

“Borrowing police hosses — horses!” [ he chuckles at his slip of the tongue, as the audience applauds ]

“And eating anything, no matter where you find it.”

[ Giuliani bends over, plucks an object from the bottom of his shoe, and eats the object ]

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Yum! New York-y!

And, speaking of good New York-ies, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Sarah McLachlan is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

St. Monica’s Spelling Bee

Mr. Fry…Mayor Rudolph Giuliani
Sean Patrick Flanery…Will Ferrell
Shelly Peterbuilt…Cheri Oteri
Mary Katherine Gallagher…Molly Shannon

[open on school exterior with engraved lintel: St. Monica’s Catholic High School]

[dissolve to interior with Mr Fry. and Sean on a stage with a blue banner behind them: St. Monica’s Intramural Spelling Bee]

Sean: Catastrophe: C-A-T-A-S-T-R-O-P-H-E, catastrophe.

Mr. Fry: That is correct.

Sean: Whoo! Yes! Look out St. Monica, the Spellmaster is in the house! [does the robot] Beep bop boop.

Mr. Fry: Terrific. I love, L-O-V-E, spelling. Okay, we’ve got our three finalists. Sean Patrick Flanery.

Sean: I prefer Spellmaster, Mr. Fry.

Mr. Fry: Okay. We also have Shelly Peterbuilt.

[Shelly enters from stage right and approaches microphone]

Shelly: Oh, my God. [steps to the side, away from microphone]

Mr. Fry: And–

[Mary Katherine Gallagher comes running in from stage right, and shakes Mr. Fry’s hand]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katerine Gallagher! [stands at the microphone] Mary Katerine Gallagher. Mary Katerine Gallagher. Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Mr. Fry: Yes, Mary, I’ve taught you for eight years.

Mark Katherine Gallagher: I just, I just want to say hello to a young lady who’s sitting in the audience. Her name is Allison Earl, and she’s my new lab partner. And she’s someone who I hope to become friends with in the coming year. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Mr. Fry: Friends are important. Okay. Let’s learn a little bit about our three finalists. Sean, other than spelling, what’s your favorite hobby?

Sean: Spelling.

Mr. Fry: Besides spelling.

Sean: Thinking about spelling.

Mr. Fry: Terrific. Okay, Shelly, why do you want to win tonight’s competition?

Shelly: My boyfriend said if I won, he would tongue-kiss me in the alley behind the Pizza Hut. [laughs frenetically]

Mr. Fry: Excellent. And Mary, how did you become interested in spelling?

Mark Katherine Gallagher: My grandmother, she lives in a motorized wheelchair. And sometimes, when I get really carried away, she makes me sit down and play Scrabble with her until my medicine kicks in.

Mr. Fry: Super-duper! Let’s get to the final round. Sean, are you ready for your word?

Sean: [moves to microphone] Yes, yes, bring it on. Spellmaster, woo-hoo.

Mr. Fry: Your word is entrecote.

Sean: Whoah, okay. Entrecote: E-N-T…time out, time out.

Mr. Fry: There’s no time out in a spelling bee.

Sean: Okay. Entrecote: E-N-T…oh, God, I’m gonna be sick. I’m gonna be sick. [runs off stage right]

Mr. Fry: Terrific! We’re down to two finalists. Shelly Peterbuilt, and Mary–

Mark Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Mr. Fry: And Mary Katherine Gallagher. Shelly, please step up to the mike.

Brad: [from offscreen] Go Shelly!

Shelly: Oh, my God, that’s my boyfriend Brad. He gave me this hickey. [points to her neck]

Mr. Fry: Your word is syzygy.

Shelly: Syzygy: S–

[Mark Katherine Gallagher sits on a wooden chair that collapses under her, sending her sprawling, and then she stands back up]

Shelly: Syzygy: S-Y-Z…Oh, my God, I forgot the “ygy” part! Brad, don’t leave! Brad! Oh, God! [runs off stage right]

Mr. Fry: Mary Katerine, step up to the mike.

[Mark Katherine Gallagher approaches the microphone, with her hands held under her arms]

Mark Katherine Gallagher: What are you doing?

Mark Katherine Gallagher: S…s…s…sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms, and then I smell them like that. [she sniffs her fingers] It’s not ladylike.

Mr. Fry: Thank you for sharing that with us, Mary. Mary, this is your chance to become St. Monica’s spelling champion. Are you ready? Okay, Mary, the word is syzygy.

Mark Katherine Gallagher: [covers her mouth with her hands while whispering the word] Syzygy. Okay. Syzygy. Am I correct in assuming that the word is of Greek origin?

Mr. Fry: You are correct.

Mark Katherine Gallagher: Alternate pronunciation?

Mr. Fry: There is none.

Mark Katherine Gallagher: Can you use the word in a sentence?

Mr. Fry: Sure. Your spelling bee word is syzygy.

Mark Katherine Gallagher: Can I have a glass of water?

Mr. Fry: Sister, [beckons off stage] sister.

[a nun brings Mark Katherine Gallagher a glass of water, which she drinks and then returns to the nun]

Mark Katherine Gallagher: Thank you. Thanks, sister. Can you say the word again?

Mr. Fry: Syzygy.

Mark Katherine Gallagher: Can you say the word in slow motion?

Mr. Fry: Syz…er…gy.

Mark Katherine Gallagher: Can you say the word in Pig Latin?

Mr. Fry: Yzygy-say. Mary, are you stalling?

MarNo, I just, I just, I feel, I feel, I feel nervous and scared. And I feel like my feelings of nervousness would best be expressed in a monologue from the 1975 made-for-TV movie “Sara T. – Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic” starring the buxom young child actress turned temptress, Miss Linda Blair. Is that okay? Is that okay? [pulls her hair behind her head] “Mother, I am not drunk, okay! God, do you know me? I mean deep down inside, do you know Sara T.? Because I don’t think that you do. God, you do not know how much pressure it is being a teenager. ‘Go to the dance Sara.’ ‘Organize the yearbook Sara.’ ‘Sell candybars for the band Sara’ It is too damn much, Mama! [pushes over the microphone] But when I call out your name, you’re not there. So I got a new mama now. [lifts her hand as a glass and sips from it] Booze is my mama. [points to the “glass”] And this mama…this mama loves me all the time, see? [drinks again] So I drink, I drink her down”…I drink her…I drink her! I drink her! I drink her I drink her I drink I drink I drink! [launches backwards through the brick wall beneath the banner]

[Mr. Fry helps Mark Katherine Gallagher back up and escorts her back to the microphone]

Mark Katherine Gallagher: Syzygy: S…Y…Z…Y…G…Y, syzygy.

Mr. Fry: We have a winner!

Mark Katherine Gallagher: [hugs Mr. Fry and does partial split with her arms lifted up] Spelling bee!

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Graffiti

…..Mayor Rudolph Giuliani

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: We’ve brought New York a long way in the past few years, but there’s still a lot to be done. One of the things we won’t tolerate any more is grafitti. We got it off the subway, but there’s still a lot of idiots out there who are trying to turn our streets into an eyesore. So, this time, we’re getting tough!

From now on, every time you write your name in grafitti on public property, we’re going to put the word “Sucks” right under it. That’s right. Instead of being Mr. Cool, everyone’s going to think you suck. Our trained staff of police artists will make it look like you wrote it.

For two-time offenders, we’re going to put “Sucks Big Time“. Think how embarrassed you’ll be when your friends see your name that way. I know I’d be.

So, the next time you think about defacing public property, think about this. In your face, punk!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Friggin’ Giuliani!

Irate Cabdriver…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
Fare #1…..Will Ferrell
Fare #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Fare #3…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on interior, New York City taxi cab ]

Cabdriver: Where to?

Fare #1: Uh.. 14th and 3rd.

Cabdriver: You got it.

Recording: This is Richard Dreyfuss. Just buckle your seatbelt. Don’t act like some bigshot. Just put it on. Now! [ eerie laughter ]

Fare #1: What the hell was that?

Cabdriver: Celebrities tellin’ people to put their seatbelts on. The Mayor put a tape in every cab. Friggin’ Guiliani! Can you believe what he did to 42nd Street?

Fare #1: Huh? Oh, yeah, it’s great!

Cabdriver: Great? You gotta be kiddin’. I’ll take porn over Disney any day! Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #1: Well, he’s just trying to clean up the city.

Cabdriver: Listen, I’ve lived in this city for forty-four years. I was born here, and I can tell ya, three things make New York great: crime, noise and porn!

Fare #1: You know, some people like a clean city.

Cabdriver: Where do you come from?

Fare #1: Boston.

Cabdriver: [ slams brakes ] Get outta my cab!

Fare #1: What?

Cabdriver: You heard me. Go back to Beantown, you hippie! [ Fare #1 exits the cab ]

Recording: This is Richard Dreyfuss again. Don’t forget your belongings, or you’ll be saying goodbye.. girl.. to your wallet. Just do it!

Cabdriver: [ honks horn ] Move it, you piece of garbage limo! [ slows down and picks up Fare #2 ]

Fare #2: 1236 Park Avenue, please.

Cabdriver: Well, la-dee-dah!

Fare #2: Eh-excuse me?

Cabdriver: Nothin’, nothin’, nothin’..

Recording: This is Bob Costas, reminding you to buckle up your seatbelt, to save and protect you. Like a young Willie Mayes reaching over his shoulder..

Fare #2: Can you shut this off?

Cabdriver: Sit tight, honey. It’s almost over.

Recording: ..Hall of Fame glove. So, buckle up. Willie Mayes.. and.. Henry James, would have wanted it that way.

Fare #2: Doesn’t that drive you crazy?

Cabdriver: What choice do I have? I’m driving double-shift on my brother-in-law’s rented medallion. Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #2: I’m sorry to hear that.

Cabdriver: The mayor says we have to buy a new cab every five years. He raised medallion rentals! I’ve been drivin’ eighty hours straight just to break even!

Fare #2: Shouldn’t you go home?

Cabdriver: I’ll be fine. [ slowly dozes off ]

Fare #2: Wake up!

Cabdriver: Wha..? What..?

Fare #2: You should get some sleep.

Cabdriver: Guiliani should get some sleep!

Fare #2: That doesn’t make any sense.

Cabdriver: Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #2: Actually, I agree with you. Guiliani has placed too much emphasis on safety for the rich instead of programs for the poor.

Cabdriver: Really? Is that what you think? Where are you from?

Fare #2: I moved here a year ago from Chicago.

Cabdriver: [ slams brakes ] Get outta my cab!

Fare #2: Because I’m from Chicago?

Cabdriver: Yeah! Now, get out! And tell Michael Jordan he travels every time he dribbles the ball! [ Fare #2 exits the cab ]

Recording: It’s time to leave.. and.. check your belongings.. and.. I’m reminded of the retirement of..

Cabdriver: [ bangs tape ] Shut up! Shut up! [ honks horn at pedestrian ] Stupid pedestrian! Move it, you bastard! What are you, blind?

Voice of Pedestrian: Yes, I am blind!

Cabdriver: [ stunned ] I’m very sorry. I didn’t know that. [ slows down and picks up Fare #3 ]

Fare #3: 87th and Columbus.

Cabdriver: You got it.

Recording: This is James Earl Jones. Buckle up your seatbelt or.. you.. will.. die! [ Fare #3 quickly buckles up ]

Cabdriver: [ laughing ] That’s the only one that works!

Fare #3: Hey, stop by the Disney Store on the way, man, I wanna get my daughter some Flub-A-Lub.

Cabdriver: That’s fine. I’ll catch a peep show while I wait.

Fare #3: Word is bond?

Cabdriver: Friggin’ Guiliani!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Dramatic Giuliani

…..Chris Kattan
…..Molly Shannon
…..Mayor Rudolph Giuliani
…..Colin Quinn

[ open on Chris Kattan talking to a showgirl backstage ]

Chris Kattan: — As I was saying: I play this character called “Mr. Peppers”. He’s a half-man, half-monkey, and he eats an apple like this — [ he demonstrates the motion as Molly Shannon walks forward ]

Showgirl: I see —

Molly Shannon: Excuse me… excuse me. I need Kattan for one minute. [ the showgirl steps away ] Okay, thanks. Chris, have you seen the Mayor? He’s, like — he’s, like, really gotten into this performing thing.

Chris Kattan: Yeah, of course he’s into it. The guy throws himself into everything he does.

Molly Shannon: No! That’s not what I mean!

Chris Kattan: Look, Molly, don’t even worry about it. I mean, the guy — he’s the mayor of the toughest city in the world. Come on.

Molly Shannon: Yeah —

[ Mayor Rudolph Giuliani walks up to Chris and Molly, dressed in a foppish outfit with a powdered wig atop his head ]

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Chris, Molly — could you do me a favor?

Chris Kattan: Yeah — sure.

Molly Shannon: Ss–sure.

Chris Kattan: Yeah.

Molly Shannon: Whatever.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Let’s not bother with the formalities, “Chrissie”. Please call me… “Rudolph”.

Chris Kattan: O-kayyy… “Rudolph.” Um — shouldn’t you get dressed for the monologue?

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Well, that’s exactly the problem, . That dreadful man in the costume department is trying to put me in some drab, tacky little suit for my entrance! I look like a… begger!

Chris Kattan: Why don’t they just let you wear your own clothes?

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: These are my clothes! Isn’t it marvelous? [ Chris and Molly appear dumbfounded ] Oh, and the wig they want me to wear. It’s just not ME!

Molly Shannon: [ glances at the powdered wig and nods ] Oh. Yeah, th-that wig is just awful! You can definitely do better than — than — that!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: My dear girl — this is my real hair! [ Colin Quinn suddenly steps forward ] Colin. Do you think this — this works without the cape?

Colin Quinn: [ to Chris and Molly ] Can you guys give me a second? [ they nod and run away without further prompting ] Listen… Mayor Giuliani —

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Call me… “Rudolph”.

Colin Quinn: [ holds up his finger ] No! Listen to me: you’re the mayor of New York City, not Sgt. Pepper!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Oh, “Mayor” is just another one of the characters I do. I can slip into it as easily as any — any of my characters! [ demonstrates ] “Show me the money!! Show me the money!!”

Colin Quinn: Please! Stop that!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: I’m doing this show so I can have some fun and be myself — not that dreary “Mayor Giuliani” character. So drab, drab, drab! All day long, it’s potholes and zoning, those horrid people from the press!

Colin Quinn: Listen! If you were going down to bust up the Fulton Fish Market dressed like that, we’d still be eating Clams Gambino!! You gotta be the Mayor! Yuo gotta ACT like the Mayor!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Colin, I think not.

Colin Quinn: Well, I think so! Look — you probably don’t know this, but I’m from Brooklyn!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: How can I not know it? It’s half your act!

Colin Quinn: There’s no need for that! [ a beat ] Now, shave that thing off your lip, and GET OUT THERE and show ’em what New York City is all about!! [ music rises ] This is the city where DiMaggio played center field! Where Gershwin wrote “Rhapsody in Blue”! Where Washington was inaugurated President! Half the families in this country came through Ellis Island! It’s the Empire State Building! It’s Martin Scorcese! It’s The Ramones! It’s The Apollo! It’s Leonard Bernstein! Emmett’s Field! Birdland! Roseland! Peepland! It’s Fiorello LaGuardia!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Don’t forget the New York Yankees!!

Colin Quinn: That’s right! The Yankees! This is New York City! And you are the Mayor! Now, say it!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: “Live, from the Capitol of the World, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

November 22nd, 1997

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani

Sarah McLachlan

None

None
Dramatic GiulianiSummary: Colin Quinn insists that Mayor Rudolph Giuliani straighten up before doing the show.

Transcript

Montage

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s MonologueSummary: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani shows how he has improved New York City since becoming its mayor.

Bio: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani (1944-). Politician; 107th Mayor of New York City, held office 1994-2001; an early contender for the 2008 Republican nomination.

Cameos: 95j, 01a, 01i, 07f.

Transcript

NightlineSummary: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani barges in to refute charges that he is best friends with Saddam Hussein (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Saddam Hussein.

Transcript

Barry Scheck’s ClientsSummary: Rita DelVecchio (Cheri Oteri) and her mother (Mayor Rudolph Giuliani) prepare Thanksgiving dinner.

Recurring Characters: Rita DelVecchio.

Transcript

St. Monica’s Spelling BeeSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) competes in a spelling bee.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Transcript

GraffitiSummary: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani enforces stricter punishment for grafitti artists.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Cinder Calhoun (Ana Gasteyer) and Sarah McLachlan sing “Basted In Blood”.

Recurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun.

Transcript

Sarah McLachlan performs “Sweet Surrender”Bio: Sarah McLachlan (1968-). Canadian singer-songwriter; founded the 1997-99 Lilith Fair concert tour for female artists.

The Joe Pesci ShowRecurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Spider, Marion Berry.

Friggin’ Giuliani!Summary: A New York City cabdriver (Mayor Rudolph Giuliani) is outraged over the way Mayor Giuliani has cleaned things up.

Transcript

Janet Reno’s Dance PartyRecurring Characters: Janet Reno.

Transcript

Colin Quinn Explains The New York TimesTranscript

PerspectivesRecurring Characters: Lionel Osborne.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts