Announcer: If you’ve been injured on the job, or you are the victim of an accident, you may be entitled to a sizable cash settlement. No one knows this better than Russell and Tate.
Testimonial #1: Russell & Tate got me $27,000. And a newlease on life.
Russell: We’re gonna git yo’ money.
Tate: Damn straight!
Russell: You can bet your sweet ass we’ll git it!
Tate: No bull.
[ cut to Husband & Wife in their kitchen ]
Husband: We wer very concerned after the accident.
Wife: We didn’t know who to turn to, so we called Russell & Tate.
Husband: We got a lot of money. $150,000.
[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]
Tate: It’s like this: if somebody has your money, we’re gonna git it.
Russell: Thay can’t have your money!
Tate: That’s right. Unless they want a piece of Russell & Tate!
Russell: Oh, yeah!
[ Russell & Tate laugh, and clap their fists together ]
Testimonial #2: I called Russell & Tate, and told them I wantedmoney.
[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]
Russell: Your money is not their money!
Tate: No, it ain’t! You gotta get your money! They ain’t supposed to have it! So, we gonna git it, or I don’t know what.
Russell: Well, I do! [ they laugh ] Yeah, we gonna git it! You gotta understand – Tate, here, is one very mean brother with a degree from Harvard Law, and he will go crazy academic on your ass if you try to mess with somebody’s money!
Tate: Let me rap to them for a minute, Russell. Listen, y’all – you ain’t even seen the inside of Hell until Russell comes busting down on you with his big-ass experience as a former editor of the American Law Review!
[ cut to Testimonial #3 ]
Testimonial #3: When I first saw Russell & Tate, I knew that these guys would get me money. I mean, Russell Johnson was my law professor at Harvard, and Tate Witherspoon has argued hundreds of successful Supreme Court cases. Bottom line? They get you your money.
[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]
Tate: $200.. $300.. $2,000, it don’t matter, we gonna git it!
Russell: That’s right! $8,000.. $17,000.. $400,000, I don’t care – we gonna git it all! I wasn’t an expert witness in the Microsoft Anti-Trust Case, and a president of the New York Bar for six years so I could sit up on my ass and not get your money!
Tate: That’s right, Russell! And I didn’t bust my hump doing afederal judgeship, and all those appointments at the Congressional Committee so some bitch could steal your knot!
Johnny Carson and Phil Donahue: The Retirement Years
…..Dana Carvey …..Cheri Oteri
[ open on Johnny Carson scavenging around his house, as Phil Donahue enters through the front door carrying a bag of golf clubs ]
Phil Donahue: Johnny, my dear good man, boy are you ready to go, or what?
Johnny Carson: Sure, Phil. As soon as I find my keys.
Phil Donahue: Well, did you check your pockets?
Johnny Carson: Well, that’s the first place I checked!
Phil Donahue: Well.. you looked in your pockets.. you looked everywhere?
Johnny Carson: Yes, I did.
Phil Donahue: Uh-huh. Well, how about the door? Could you have left them in the door? A lot of people do that.
Johnny Carson: You know, this is weird. This is weird, this is kind of wild. I had them a minute ago!
Phil Donahue: Now, you have a maid here all the time, don’t you?
Johnny Carson: Yes. That’s right.
Phil Donahue: Well, how about this: we go shoot a nice round of golf, you come back here, you knock on the door, and the maid.. lets you in!
Johnny Carson: Oh, it just.. it just makes me feel a little weird not having my keys. Um.. would you just, uh.. would you just give me a second?
Phil Donahue: Yes. Did you check your pants?
Johnny Carson: I told you I did!
Phil Donahue: [ sighs ] You know, every time I come over, it’s the.. same.. darn.. thing: “Oh, please, dear God, won’t someone help me find my keys?” But what about good ol’ Phil, who comes over to play a round of golf, and wait a minute, he misses tee-off because dear ol’ Johnny cannot find.. his keys!
Johnny Carson: Are you finished, old Blabber Mouth?
Phil Donahue: Okay, I am.
Johnny Carson: Alright.. alright.. I’m just gonna look in the garbage here. [ picks up garbage pail, roots through the garbage ]
Phil Donahue: What are you doing?
Johnny Carson: I’m looking for my keys. How many times have I got to tell you that?
Phil Donahue: You think you dropped your keys in the garbage?
Johnny Carson: No. But I may have thrown them out with something that had the keys in it!
Phil Donahue: You know what you need?
Johnny Carson: I swear to God, do not tell me again about that Key Caddy!
Phil Donahue: I’m telling you.. Marla got me one. Now, when I come home, I take my keys out of my pocket, I hang them up in the Key Caddy, God’s in his Heaven, all’s right with the world, and I always know where my keys are! [ taps endtable ]
Johnny Carson: That is soem weird, wild stuff! But, Phil, how does that help me find my keys?
Phil Donahue: Did you try retracing your steps?
Johnny Carson: What’s that? You say , um.. retrace? Well, that’s not a bad idea. Is that where you go back and try to remember where you were before? That’s, that’s terrific! Let’s see.. I was reading the National Enquirer over here.. and then I went over here and made some, made a little fruit punch.. [ pikcs up object ] And, uh.. oh! Here they are!
Phil Donahue: [ excited ] Oh, great! Let’s go! [ dashes for the door ]
Johnny Carson: Oh, wait a minute. This is my money clip.
Phil Donahue: Did you look in the chair?
Johnny Carson: No, I did not.
Phil Donahue: I’ll check the chair! [ starts digging through the chair ]
Johnny Carson: All righty..
Phil Donahue: Boy, I’ll tell you.. [ Johnny puts his hand in his pocket, accidentally discovering his keys where Phil told him to check ] You know what you need, I swear to God.. [ johnny tosses his keys into the garbage pail ] ..you need one of those fake rocks you can put your keys in. You leave it out front, in the door, so every time I come over, we don’t have to..
Johnny Carson: Alright, alright.. I’ll tell you what? I’ll check the garbage just one more time, and then we’ll get out of here.
Phil Donahue: Oh, come on! They’re not in the garbage!
Johnny Carson: [ reaches into the pail ] Well, well, well.. what do we have here, keys in the garbage. What do you think about that, Smart Guy?
Phil Donahue: I’m sorry!
Johnny Carson: Don’t you feel like an idiot? Lieutenant Columbo, you are not!
Phil Donahue: Sorry!
Johnny Carson: Admit it! Admit it, MacGruff the Crime Dog, you were wrong!
Phil Donahue: Okay, let’s move on! [ exits the house ]
Johnny Carson: Frank Lloyd Wrong! [ exits house, closes door ]
Dana Carvey: People say, “Why do you come back?” And I tell them,honestly, really.. I come back to be with my friends..
[ starts singing ]
“There’s a very special lady, who made us all smile And an Austrian chap who pumped you up in a while. There’s Bush and Grumpy Old Man, of whom you’re both so fond ‘And I’m the one who always said, “Party on.”‘
I like to be these people for you! I like to put on a wig and say, ‘How do you do?’ I like repeating catchphrases like ” I love to be these people for you!
I was Massive Headwound Harry, whose skull was cut in half And Mr. Uneven Sideburns always made us laugh. I was Buckwheat, and.. (‘O-tay!’) ..then everything was fine And of course the Cheerleader was also mine.”
Cheri Oteri: Dana, that’s my character.
Dana Carvey: Cheri, play along with me.
Cheri Oteri: Hey! Who’s that Spartan named Dana Carvey?
Dana Carvey: It’s me! It’s me! [ pause ] Here we go!
Dana’s Character’s and Cheri: [ singing ] “We like to be these people for you! We like to put on a wig and say, ‘How do you do?’ We love to be.. these people.. [ Macarena ] ..hey Macarena.. for you!”
Dana Carvey: Dr. Dre is in the house! Stick around, we’ve got agreat show!
Tom Brokaw…..Dana Carvey Voice of Producer…..Rob Smigel
Tom Brokaw: Okay, who are we up to?
Voice of Producer: Uh.. we’re still on Presidents. Gerald Ford.
Tom Brokaw: Gerald Ford? Well, he’s in good shape..
Voice of Producer: Just covering our bases, Tom. You never know..
Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. [ graphic of Gerald Ford, “1913-1996” appears over Tom’s left shoulder ] “Gerald Ford dead today at the age of 83.”
Voice of Producer: Okay, good. Annd, one for next year.
Tom Brokaw: Alright.. [ graphic of Gerald Ford, “1913-1997” ] “Gerald Ford dead today, at age 84.”
Voice of Producer: Uh.. a little sadder.
Tom Brokaw: Alright. [ sad ] “Gerald Ford dead today.. at age 84..”
Voice of Producer: That was good. Good.
Tom Brokaw: Okay, what now?
Voice of Producer: Now let’s do one for if he’s shot.
Tom Brokaw: Well, what are the chances of that?
Voice of Producer: We’re just covering contingencies.
Tom Brokaw: I mean, it just seems that Gerald Ford..
Voice of Producer: Look – you’re the one who wants to spend the whole winter in Barbados, okay? Now, we gotta be ready with something, just in case. Alright, Tom?
Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. [ graphic of Gerald Ford, “1913-1996” ] “Gerald Ford shot dead today, at age 83.”
Voice of Producer: Uh.. add the word “senseless”.
Tom Brokaw: Alright. “Gerald Ford shot dead today, at the senseless age of 83.”
Voice of Producer: Um.. uh..
Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. “Gerald Ford shot senselessly dead, at the age of 83.”
Voice of Producer: Good, good.. Okay, now suicide.
Tom Brokaw: What?!
Voice of Producer: Just read it!
Tom Brokaw: Alright. “Gerald Ford dead today, after jupming out of an office building, senselessly.”
Voice of Producer: That’s a nice touch. Okay, moving on.
Tom Brokaw: Okay. “Gerald Ford dead today, from an overdose of crack cocaine.”
Voice of Producer: Good, good.. Next.
Tom Brokaw: Alright. [ graphic of Gerald Ford and a commuter plane ] “Stunning news from Michigan, as former President Gerald Ford was chopped into little bits by the propeller of a commuter plane.”
Voice of Producer: Good. One take.
Tom Brokaw: Alright, we got it?
Voice of Producer: No. We’ve got “eaten by wolves”.
Tom Brokaw: What? Now, come on!
Voice of Producer: Just read it!
Tom Brokaw: Gerald Ford isn’t gonna be eaten by wolves!
Voice of Producer: Taft was.
Tom Brokaw: Really? Taft?
Voice of Producer: Uh.. yeah.
Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. [ graphic of Ford surrounded by a pair of wolves ] “Tragedy today, as former President Gerald Ford was eaten by wolves. He was delicious.” Now.. now, that’s just superfluous, you know?
Voice of Producer: It’s a former President, Tom. What do you say – he’s not delicious?
Tom Brokaw: Alright, fine.. what’s next?
Voice of Producer: The double story.
Tom Brokaw: Alright. [ graphic of Ford and map of France ] “A fireball destroyed France today, and Gerald Ford is dead.” Now, what are the odds of that?
Voice of Producer: Fine. We’ll get Stone Phillips to do it. You know, I’m sure Stone Phillips would be thrilled to break a story like that!
Tom Brokaw: Alright. Let’s keep moving.. [ graphic of Ford and the corpse of Richard Nixon ] “Stunning news from Yorba Linda today, as Richard Nixon’s corpse climbed out of his grave and strangled Gerald For to death.”
Voice of Producer: Excellent.
Tom Brokaw: Alright. [ graphic of Ford and circus lion ] “Gerald Ford was mauled senselessly by a circus lion in a convenience store.”
Voice of Producer: Good. Next.
Tom Brokaw: Alright. “Gerald Ford is dead today, and I’m gay.” Now, wait a minute!
Voice of Producer: What? That’d be a huge story – Forddying, and you coming out!
Tom Brokaw: But I’m not gay!
Voice of Producer: Today you’re not gay, you know.. but then one day you wake up, you like men, and Gerald Ford dies, and we’re screwed. Everyone’s hearing about it from Dan Rather!
Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. what’s this for?
[ graphic of Gerald Ford and the Zimbabwee flag appears ]
Voice of Producer: Alright, this one’s for if we’re invaded byZimbabwee.
Tom Brokaw: Would I still be the anchor if Zimbabwee invaded us?
Voice of Producer: Yeah.. if you break the Gerald Ford story, you will..
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 22: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 26th, 1996 Dana Carvey Dr. Dre None None Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Will Ferrell) moderates a no-holds-barred debate between Ross Perot (Dana Carvey) and other third-party candidates. Recurring Characters: Larry King, Ross Perot.
Montage
Dana Carvey’s MonologueSummary: Dana Carvey and his recurring characters like to be these people for you. Recurring Characters: Arianna. Transcript
Hey, Remember The 80’sSummary: George Michaels (Dana Carvey) waxes 1980’s nostalgia with Goat Boy (Jim Breuer). Recurring Characters: Goat Boy, George Michaels, Joseph Hazelwood.
The Barbara Walters SpecialSummary: Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri) and Elizabeth Dole (Ana Gasteyer) get chummy over the course of their interview. Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Elizabeth Dole.
Tom Brokaw Pre-TapesSummary: Before heading out for a winterlong vacation, Tom Brokaw (Dana Carvey) records various versions of the potential death announcement for former President Gerald R. Ford. Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw. Transcript
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) recalls scenes from Yankee Stadium. Recurring Characters: Joe Blow.
Dr. Dre performs “Been There Done That”
Church ChatSummary: Church Lady (Dana Carvey) riles up O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) and Madonna (Molly Shannon). Recurring Characters: Church Lady, O.J. Simpson, Madonna.
Bob Dole’s Time TunnelSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) travels through time in order to stop a young Bill Clinton (Dana Carvey) from ever entering politics. Recurring Characters: Bob Dole, Bill Clinton.
Rita DelvecchioSummary: Rita (Cheri Oteri) deals with pranksters and trick-or-treaters in her front yard. Recurring Characters: Rita Delvecchio.
Phil Donahue & Johnny Carson: The Retirement YearsSummary: Johnny Carson (Dana Carvey) snickers over Phil Donahue’s (Darrell Hammond) lost keys dilemma. Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue, Johnny Carson. Transcript
Russell & TateSummary: Thugs Russell (Tim Meadows) and Tate (Tracy Morgan) use their legal skills to get your money. Recurring Characters: Russell, Tate. Transcript
Norm MacDonald: Hello, I’m Norm MacDonald and now thefake news.[Image of American flag. Caption: Decision96]Our top story tonight,according to a new CNN pollRepublican candidate Bob Dole now trails PresidentClinton by 15 points. A Dole campaign spokesman saysthat despite this numbers it is possible for them toreach their ultimate goal, to lose by 7 points.[Laughter]
[Image of President Clinton and woman on the beach]
While jogging on San Diego this weekend PresidentClinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker whoshouted at him quote “You’re a draft-dodging,yellow-bellied liar, you’re a disgrace to the officeof the Presidency, to your gender and to this nation”and then added “I’m still gonna vote foryou”.[Laughter]
[Image of Robert Kardashian]
During a recent interview on 20/20 longtime O.J.Simpson friend Robert Kardashian said he now believesSimpson may be guilty though he did add that had hebelieved O.J. was guilty at the time he never wouldhave agreed to hide his bloody clothes andknife.[Laughter]
[Image of book cover]
Well Jocelyn Elders new book “Jocelyn Elders M.D.”came out this week. I read it.[Norm makes masturbationgestures with his fist][Laughter]
[Image of Jerry Hall and Mick Jagger]
This week London tabloids report that model Jerry Hallhas filed for divorce from Mick Jagger ending a 20year old relationship. Although I’m sure this is adifficult time for Mick you know, it must be kind ofexciting after 20 years now he finally gets a chanceto sleep with other women.[Laughter]
[Image of Bob Dole]
Meanwhile Bob Dole brought his struggling presidentialcampaign to New Jersey, vowing in his words to proveYogi Berra was right when he said “It ain’t over tillit’s over”[Image of Yogi Berra] Reached for commentYogi Berra said “It’s over”.[Laughter]
Well, after a 15 year absence the New York Yankees areback in the World Series.[Cheers and applause]And somenew yorkers have come up with a novel way of snaggingthose hard-to-come-by tickets, murdering guys withtickets and stealing them.[Laughter]
Well, as I said the 1996 World Series will begintomorrow. Joining us tonight on Weekend Update withhis analysis of each team is baseball legend and adear, dear, dear friend of mine, please welcome hallof fame broadcaster, Harry Caray. Hi, Harry.
[Harry Caray joins Norm at the Update desk. He’strembling, old,wild white hair, thick eyeglasses]
Harry Caray: Hi. Hi, everybody! Harry Caray here! Igot to tell you folks. Its gonna be one heck of aseries. These are 2 fantastic ball clubs withoutstanding pitching. You’ve got Andy Pettitte andDavid Cone for the Yankees and of course the Braveshave 24 game winner John Smoltz and Tommy Glavine.He’s always tough, Norm. These teams are so evenlymatched. Let’s start with the Yankees. They play inNew York City. Wow! What a town! This place iscrazy![Hoots and hollering]You people are nuts! I oncesaw an Armenian woman give birth to a baby in thesubway. Beautiful, beautiful 8 pound 3 ounce boy namedTanzu. He’s 11 now. We still keep in touch.
Norm MacDonald: OK, OK,well Harry what can you tell usabout Atlanta?
Harry Caray: Oh, Atlanta is a beautiful city. Manyconsider it the jewel of the south. You know, its inGeorgia.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that’s true Harry but hey, let’sgo back to the Braves and the Yankees, buddy.
Harry Caray: Norm, actually I’d like to give a quickshout out to Gail and Ron Anderson. They run AndersonHardware out in Waukegan, Illinois. They’re actuallyhere on vacation. They wanted me to say hi to theirbeautiful daughter Colleen who’s watching the store.Hey, Colleen!
Norm MacDonald: OK, Harry listen buddy let’s talkabout the lineups for both teams, huh?
Harry Caray: Hey, Norm. What about hose hot dogs theyserve in Yankee Stadium. Aren’t they delicious?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, sure, yeah.
Harry Caray: I love ’em so much I once ordered 12.
Norm MacDonald: 12 hot dogs?
Harry Caray: Yeah, I only ate 2. I don’t know what Iwas thinking. To this day I laugh at the idea that Ithought I could eat 12 hot dogs. You can’t do it,Norm. You can’t.
Norm MacDonald: No. I imagine not. Well, Harry I knowyou have to run but before you leave hey, let’s getyour prediction on who will win the World Series.
Harry Caray: Yankees in 6.[Wild cheers and screams]
Norm MacDonald: Wow! How about that?! That’s great,that’s great! So that’s your prediction, huh? Yankeesin 6?
Harry Caray: Or the Braves, Norm. You never know.That’s what makes baseball such a crazy game.
Norm MacDonald: OK, Harry Caray everybody. HarryCaray. Thank you for joining us, Harry.
Harry Caray: Thank you.
[Shakes hands with Norm]
[Cheers and applause]
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, glad to have you with us. Goodyou could drop by.
[Harry Caray leaves]
[Image of paper headline says “Kid-neglect hooker wasunder probe]
The New York Post reported last week that a prostitutecharged with leaving her 4 youngest children alone ina roach infested Brooklyn apartment had been underinvestigation for years as a negligent mother. What’smore apparently the woman was also a really lousyprostitute.[Laughter]
[Image of a camel]
Last week a buyer in Oman paid $390,000 for a camel.The highest price ever paid for a camel. Even in themiddle east many are wondering why anyone would paythat much….[Norm looks over his shoulder to thecamel]Good God, that’s a sexy camel! That is a….takea look at this. I think is its eyes.
[Image of a paper headline that says Virginia]
In Virginia,[laughter from previous joke]police arelooking for a stripper who stabbed a man for tellingher she was too fat to strip. Police warn that thewoman is armed and extremely fat.[Laughter]
[Image of paper headline says “Di’s video ‘romp’revealed as hoax”]
In England, a much publicized videotape of a nakedPrincess Diana having sex with her lover Captain JamesHewitt has turned out to be a fake. But on the brightside its still a video of 2 naked people havingsex.[Laughter]
In Brunswick Maine, an outbreak of the deadly canineparvo virus has led to the local Human Society killingmany of its dogs. Gee, I wonder if the Humane Societywould kill off victims of canine parvo if instead ofdogs they were rich old white guys.
[Silence. APPLAUD NOW flashes on the bottom of thescreen. Applause]
[Image of Madonna]
And finally Weekend Update would like to congratulateMadonna, who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl lastMonday. The baby weighed in at 6 pounds 9 ounces.Making it the fourth largest object ever to passthrough Madonna’s birth canal.[Laughs andgroans]Congratulations, Madonna! And that is it! Goodnight. Good News. Take care.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett…..Tim Meadows Station Manager…..Bill Pullman Caller…..Molly Shannon
[ open on couple dancing to the music played on radio program “The Quiet Storm” ]
[ cut to DJ Chris “Champagne” Garnett performing “The Quiet Storm” live at the radio station ]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: That’s right. Tongiht is the night to make love to your woman. Hold her, and give her what only you can give her – your love. Alright. You’re with me, your DJ, Chris “Champagne” Garnett. So, grab your lady, hold her tight, and let her know it’s time to grind.. to.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]
Station Manager: [ enters booth ] Hey.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: We got a special treat, here on “The Quiet Storm”. I’ve been joined by our Station Manager Steve Jones. Welcome, Steve.
Station Manager: Can I, uh.. talk to you outside?
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Now, that’s alright, Steve. I don’t mind if my listeners hear. You see, we have a very special relationship, here on “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Now, tell us, Steve. What’s on your mind?
Station Manager: Well.. we’re gonna have to let you go.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ not hearing ] What’s that?
Station Manager: Uh.. look, Chris, I told you four times, change your playlist, and you haven’t, alright? And, I don’t need this crap!
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ still mellow ] Get the hell outta my face, punk! Son of a bitch, you can kiss my ass!
Station Manager: [ angry ] Alright, you got fifteen minutes left! Finish your shift, and then GET OUT!! You’re OUTTA HERE, you hear me! YOU’RE OUT!! [ exits booth ]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: That bastard fired me on the air. Damn. I am this close to punching a hole in the wall. Right now, let’s punch up some smooth grooves, on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Let’s check out Kool & The Gang. This is “Cherish”. [ turns song on ] Yeah. [ accidentally knocks his coffee cup over ] Oh! Oh, God. I just burned my hand with scalding, hot coffee. It’s starting to blister.. I’d better find some water to put on this white, hot, searing pain. Here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Right now, let’s take a dedication. Hello, Sweet Thang. You’re on “The Quiet Storm”. What’s your pleasure?
Caller: “Champagne”? It’s me.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Hey, what a surprise. It’s my fine lady, Cynthia. How you doing, lovely lady?
Caller: Look.. I have to tell you.. I’m seeing another man.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Who is he? I’ll kill him. I swear to God, I’ll kill him. On.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]
Caller: It’s Steve Jones, your Station Manager. I’m sorry! But it is over! [ hangs up ]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Well, it’s, uh.. 11:45. My life is a living hell. We’re listening to Kool & The Gang. And I am wearing the horns of a cuckold. We’re giving away free tickets to Frankie Beverly & Maze. And I have pure hate pulsing through my veins, here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] I am now holding a gun, here on “The Quiet Storm”. I will kill Steve Jones. Tonight, you will die like the pig that you are. Do you hear me, Steve Jones?
Station Manager: [ re-enters booth ] You’re gonna kill me? You don’t have the guts! Come on! Come on!
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ pointing gun ] People, you are about to hear the sounds of a man’s brains splatting against the wall. Here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]
Station Manager: [ fights “Champagne” for the gun ] Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ struggling ] Ohhh.. I’ll kill you..
[ cut to couple dancing, as “Champagne” and Station Manager are heard struggling for the gun. Suddenly, the gun goes off. ]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Oh, my God. I’ve just killed a man. No. I was mistaken. He’s killed me. I’m about to die. And I’m.. dead. I.. am.. dead.. I am no longer living. I am dead. I can’t talk anymore, because I’m.. dead. On.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ thunder sound effect plays again ]
[ The office section is filled with six female operators. All are wearing matching blazers, scarves, skirts, and headsets. In the foreground are JANICE and KELLEY; both seated side by side at a computer work station. ]
[ Janice and Kelley are engaged in cross-chatter. Both having grating voices. ]
Kelley: [ to headset ] I wouldnt recommend, but thanks for calling AT&T.
[ Both women look at each other and throw their hands up. ]
Kelley: [ to headset ] Thank you sir for using AT&T.
Janice: [ to headset ] No sir, still holding No sir, MCI doesnt offer a wide service like we do Well, thank you for calling AT&T.
[ Janice clicks a switch on her headset. ]
Janice: I havent gotten one all day.
Kelley: I tell you Janice, I have been on this headset for three whole hours and all I got is this man for a referral for a man in Wisconsin and hes not even home.
Janice: Well Kelley, I know youve been on vacation for the last three weeks, so it takes time to get back in the swing of things.
Kelley: It just doesnt feel Ive been on vacation. Oh! Ive got a call! [ to headset ] Hi! This is Kelley with AT&T!
Janice: [ to headset ] Kelley?
Kelley: [ to headset ] Hi.
Janice: [ to headset ] Its me!
Kelley: I cant believe you just did that!?
Janice: I just want to put you in a good mood.
Kelley: Thats the craziest thing you ever did do!
Janice: Well, youve got to keep your sense of humor when you work around here. Can I get you another cup of coffee?
Kelley: I dont want another cup of coffee! I could go for another Cheese Danish, though.
Janice: I think were all out, but let me go check with Karen in the back and see if we have anymore.
Kelley: Hey, hey, hey! Get me another toothpick while youre at it. If it gets stuck on my teeth once, its going to stick again.
Janice: I know where youre coming from.
[ Janice gets up and does a six-shooter routine with her hands and makes gun fire mouth sounds to Kelley. Kelley turns around and responds the same. Janice walks to the hallway near the back. ]
Janice: COULD I GET A COUPLE OF CHEESE DANISHES AND A TOOTHPICK!!!
[ Janice goes back to her seat. ]
Kelley: I dont know why you have to yell!
Janice: Well, you have to yell if you want to get anything done around here.
Kelley: You got that right, killer. [ to headset ] Hi! This is Kelley with AT&T. This is a direct line, sir. The only reason you use this is for direct line services. Well, thank you very much for using AT&T!!
Janice: Kelley, Ive been looking on my computer here and I havent had an international referral in over three weeks.
Kelley: Here I got two on my list.
Janice: What??
Kelley: I got one for Tokyo and one for South Korea. I cant believe it!?
Janice: Janie in Section 14 once got a call from Greece the other day, I just about fell on the floor.
Kelley: I tell you, Im so excited! I think Im about to pee my pants!! I dont think Ill make it to the bathroom on time!
[ The ladies giggle and almost high-five but refrain. ]
Janice: [ to headset ] Hello? This is Janice with AT&T.
Kelley: Im going to go check on the Danishes.
Janice: Okay.
[ Kelley gets up and does the same six-shooter routine to Janice, who follows suit. Kelley makes her way to the back hallway. ]
Kelley: WHY DO I GOT TO KEEP YELLING FOR A CHEESE DANISH!?!?!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON BACK THERE, FOR GOD SAKES!?!?
[ Kelley back kicks the floor. ]
Janice: Would you stop yelling!? Im trying to help somebody with their long-distance service. Why dont you get yourself another cup of coffee? [ to headset ] Sir, thats forty percent off your —
Kelley: I dont want another cup of coffee. I want another Cheese Danish, Cheese Danish.
Janice: Well, youre just going to have to be patient [ to headset ] No sir, Im not talking to you. [ off headset ] Well, there you go. I just lost the best chance Ill have all day because you keep yelling Cheese Danish, Cheese Danish!!
[ Kelley mocks Janices mouth movements. ]
Kelley: Yada, yada, yada Im going to make one of my international calls. Im going to call Tokyo. [ to headset ] Konichiwa! This is your friend overseas — Kelley from AT&T. How are you doing today, sir? Hi, hi, hiya!
Janice: Im going to go check on those Cheese Danishes.
[ Both woman faintly scream at each other as Janice gets up and heads to the rear hallway. ]
Janice: WHERE THE HELL ARE THE DAMN CHEESE DANISHES!?!?!?
Kelley: [ to headset ] Im not yelling at you, sir. Why would I be mad at you, sir?
[ Kelley continues to speak in unintelligible Japanese as Janice returns to the desk. Kelley sighs and turns of her headset. ]
Kelley: Well, thank you very much. I just lost the call!
Janice: Im just so damn hungry! I want the Cheese Danish!
Kelley: Well, thank you very much.
Janice: You dont understand, if my blood sugar drops, I turn into the devil!
Kelley: I keep telling you — youre going to wipe yourself out wipe yourself out.
[ KAREN, wearing very similar clothing to Janice and Kelley, saunters in holding a tray of two Cheese Danishes. Her voice is far more intolerable than Janice or Kelley. ]
Karen: Are you the girls that wanted the Cheese Danishes?
Janice: Well, its about time.
Karen: Well, Im sorry you dont understand
[ Karen places the tray before the ladies. ]
Karen: I have to serve Cheese Danishes to this entire office. And if Im late, people start yelling, Where are my Cheese Danishes!?
[ Janice and Kelley cover their ears. ]
Karen: People dont understand theres a lot of people here and Im only one woman!!
[ Karen saunters to her exit backwards. Janice and Kelley uncover their ears. ]
Kelley: Shes got the most irritating voice.
Janice: I know where youre coming from.
Both: Hi! This is AT&T.
[ Camera zooms out as the house lights come on. The majority of the studio audience can be seen. The camera quickly pans to home base where Lenny Pickett and the SNL band are performing. ]
Bill Pullman: Thank you! Thank you! It is really great to be here! Big year! Big year for Pullman. Get to host the “Saturday Night Live” show and I play the President of the United States of America.
(big cheers from audience)
Bill Pullman: Yeah. Ive played a lot of different characters in a lot of movies, mostly romantic comedies. But I get to sometimes kick ass and thats why I did “Casper”.
(audience laughs)
Bill Pullman: But when you play the President of the United States who saves the world from an alien attack, you get a whole new level of respect and it even appears to make you sexier. In fact, this week this week! Someone told me I was named one of the sexiest men of the year by Playgirl magazine.
(The audience laughs hard. Pullman nods and grins in full confidence.)
Bill Pullman: You know what that means? MEN find me attractive.
(Pullman takes a brief pause.)
Bill Pullman: Anyway, we got a great show. New Edition is here. So stick around, well be right back.
Hal Mendez…..Bill Pullman Leslie Ann Smith…..Ana Gasteyer Ann Manassas…..Molly Shannon Announcer…..Will Ferrell
(Caption: “Tonight! Tonight! Tonight!” Rock guitar. Footageof different matches of women´s kickboxers, bashingeach other)
Announcer: Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Through October31st, it´s hard core action from the InternationalLeague of Women´s Kickboxing!
(Sleazy promoter in a tuxedo)
Hal Mendez: I´m Hal Mendez and my AmericanInternational League of Women´s Kickboxing is the onlyplace where you can see women kicking women…hard!!For money.
(Caption: “Hal Mendez. Promoter I.L.O.W.K.” More footageof women kicking each other in slow motion)
Announcer: Mothers, waitresses, lawyers, teachers butmostly part-time strippers kicking each other…hard!!It´s a scientifically proven fact that women kickhard!! (Photo of Einstein) Einstein see ya´, hate to beya´! (Photo explodes, more slo mo footage of womenfighting) Because the laws of physics do not apply whenwomen kick women…hard!!
Hal Mendez: Ya´thought ya´saw kicking before youhaven´t seen nothing until you seen women kickingwomen…hard!! And just when you´re tired of womenkicking women, women will start punching eachother…hard!! And keep punching each other untilyou´re ready for women to kick each other all overagain!! It´s a non-stop female smorsgarboard of pain!
(Caption: “North Kicks South.” Two women kickboxers areback to back posing)
Announcer: This week north kicks south when Buffalo´sWomen Kickboxing Champion Leslie Ann Smith (looks tothe camera) takes on Florida´s own AnnManassas. (snarls at the camera) They´ll kick eachother so hard that you´ll be glad you came to see themkick each other!
Hal Mendez: If you think it´s disturbing seeing womenkicking women, wait until you hear it.
(More footage of women´s kickboxing)
Announcer: Women kickin´women…hard!! Only $24!!Parking included!!
(Leslie, Ann and Hal in the middle pose for the camera)
Hal Mendez: Women kicking and punching women…hard!! It´s real.
Announcer: Women´s kickboxing not considered a real sport.
Air Date:
