Announcer: A message from John W. Heyward, President of the Heyward Foundation.
John W. Heyward: Hello. I’m a very wealthy man. I’m worth billions, and always have been. But I haven’t always been a man with a conscience. Time was, I thought my money was all I needed to be happy. But all that changed one day when I came across.. [ holds up Bible ] ..this book. The Bible. And I saw where it said.. [ reads passage ] ..”It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.” That passage changed my life. It moved me to start putting my riches towards a worthy cause. And that’s why I established the Heyward Foundation. The Heyward Foundation, For The Development Of A Way To Make It Easy For A Camel To Pass Through a Needle’s Eyes. I’m not going to Hell if my billions have anything to say about it! And I think they do. Let me show you..
[ enters a laboratory filled with scientists and camels ]
We’re doing God’s work here at the Heyward Foundation. First, scores of desperate Third World children brought me all these camels. And then I found all these cancer researchers, made them stop whatever it was they were doing, and devote their energies to trying to force these camels through needles, just like it says in the Bible. I know it sounds impossible, but we have made a lot of progress. We started small. We tried to cram a horse through a drinking straw. The result was pretty ugly and completely unsuccessful. But we learned a lot! [ stands in front of a big glass full of a strange-colored liquid ] Next, we tried pureeing a camel into a thin liquid, then pouring the camel through the eye of a needle. Sure enough, the liquid camel will pass through the needle. But.. we think that might be cheating. We’ve got our lawyers looking into it. But a liquid camel’s only part of it. I’ve also invested millions of dollars from my tobacco and pornography enterprises to build very large needles and very small camels. [ stands in front of a large needle and a miniature camel ] Unless I’ve completely missed the message of the Bible, somewhere in here is my ticket to Heaven.
Scientist: [ feeding miniature camel ] This is a new batch, Mr. Heyward! Aren’t they cute?
John W. Heyward: They’re cute.. just not small enough. Have them destroyed. [ addresses the camera again ] So, we’re working toward a beautiful future here at the Heyward Foundation. We dream of a day when camels pass willy-nilly through the eyes of needles, while billionaire industrialists like myself can look forward to an eternity spent in the pure white light of Heaven. Right, fellas?
Scientists: Yeah!
John W. Heyward: And, if we can’t get the camel through the needle, we have another plan. We’re prepared to spend millions to get that part taken out of the Bible. Don’t worry about me!
Announcer: [ appears as SUPER ] The Heyward Foundation. Working really hard to get Mr. Heyward into Heaven.
Bill Tasker V/O: You’re alone; and you’re vulnerable.
[ quick pan to Bill Tasker standing in front of house ]
Bill Tasker: Hi. I’m Bill Tasker of National Home Security, Inc. The only thing that will stop a dangerous intruder from terrorizing you – is if another criminal is already doing the job. That’s why we developed Home Security Decoys.
[ show Home Security Decoy of a man peering into the house ]
These life-sized and weather-resistant dummies tell criminals, “Hey! This house is taken!”
Now you can feel the comfort and safety of having a Home Securty Decoy nearby.
Statistics prove criminals like to strike while you sleep.[ show Elderly Woman jump up in bed; she gasps, thinking someone is in the room with her, but it’s just her knife-weilding Home Security Decoy ]
That’s why we developed the Home Bedroom Decoy.
[ Edlerly Woman relaxes, casually falls back asleep ]
[ show Home Security Decoys peeking out from under childrens’s bed ]
Finally, you can sleep in peace, while these versatile decoys watch over your loved ones and scare off intruders.
[ show Woman inside shower ]
You made it through the night – and that’s important; but now you find yourself in the most vulnerable place of all – the shower. With a Home Decoy, you can rest assured that shadowy figure behind the curtain is your friend!
[ suddenly worried, Woman peeks out of shower to investigate funny sound, revealing a bloody cown Home Security Decoy; she smiles, and returns to her shower ]
So make the secure choice, and turn your fears into friends. With Home Security Decoys.
Announcer: Also available: new talking Home Decoy.
Talking Home Decoy: I’m gonna put my evil inside you!
Announcer: Available at Rickel, K-Mart, and other fine stores.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 22: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 19th, 1996 Bill Pullman New Edition None Adam McKay Dole’s Dream DebateSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) dreams that he’s debating Thomas J. Whitmore (Bill Pullman), the ficticious president from “Independence Day.” Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, Bob Dole, Elizabeth Dole.
Montage
Bill Pullman’s MonologueSummary: Having played the President of the United States in “Independence Day”, Bill Pullman is proud to now be considered a sex symbol. Transcript
Home Security DecoysSummary: Bill Tasker (Mark McKinney) touts the menacing dummies that keep real criminals away. Transcript
AT&T OperatorsSummary: Operators Janice (Will Ferrell) and Kelly (Chris Kattan) chat between calls. Transcript
Tic Tac ToeSummary: Crotchety carpenter Jack (Norm MacDonald) has to physically nail the X’s and O’s to the game board, while his son, Jack, Jr. (Mark McKinney), plugs the home version. Note: One of the pieces falls on Norm MacDonald’s head while he pounds another piece into place.
The Rules ShowSummary: Ellen Fein (Ana Gasteyer) and Sherrie Shneider (Molly Shannon) advise want-to-be brides to “get the ring.”
TV FunhouseSummary: During “Fun With Real Audio”, President Clinton and Bob Dole’s weaknesses surface during their latest debate.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Harry Caray (Will Ferrell) offers his thoughts on the World Series. Recurring Characters: Harry Caray. Transcript
New Edition performs “Hit Me Off”
Hollywood PartySummary: Beatrice (Molly Shannon) and Sebastian (Chris Kattan) dish celebrity gossip.
The Quiet StormSummary: Chris “Champagne” Garnett (Tim Meadows) battles it out with his station manager (Bill Pullman) after he’s fired. Recurring Characters: Chris “Champagne” Garnett. Transcript
New Edition performs “I’m Still In Love With You”
The Heyward FoundationSummary: Desperate to get into heaven, wealthy John W. Heyward (Bill Pullman) fronts a research lab that can put a camel through a needle for him. Transcript
Hidden CameraSummary: The hidden camera pranks are far too obvious for the general public.
Women’s Kick BoxingSummary: Promoter Hal Mendez (Bill Pullman) oversells the promise of women kicking women hard. Transcript
Woman #1…..Molly Shannon Woman #2…..Cheri Oteri Couple…..Will Ferrell & Ana Gasteyer Caribbean Gentleman…..Tracy Morgan
[ images of the Caribbean are shown ]
Announcer: The cool sand. The cool ocean breeze. The pleasing scent of coconut and papaya. The new essence of the Caribbean. Now you can experience it all, with Caribbean Essence bath oil. [ cut to Woman #1 relaxing in her bath, with a bottle of Caribbean Essence bath oil ] The moment that first drop enters your bath water, you’re transformed into a Caribbean paradise. [ Caribbean gentleman rises out of Woman #1’s tub, and lifts her into the air and runs into the sunset with her ] And in moments, Caribbean Essence bath oil will light you up and take you away.
[ dissolve into Woman #2 relaing in her bath ] Caribbean Essence’s patented formula is a unique blend of herbs and fragrances will leave you so relaxed and refreshed, you feel like you’re in a tropical paradise. [ the Caribbean Gentleman pokes out of Woman #2’s bath bubbles, and carries her off into the sunset ] Other bath oil may have pretty bottles or fancy names, but Caribbean Essence is the only bath oil that lifts you up and takes you away. [ the Caribbean gentleman rises out of a couple’s bath bubbles ]
Caribbean Gentleman: Come. Bathe with me! [ he carries the couple into the sunset ]
Announcer: Caribbean Essence Bath Oil. The very essence of theCaribbean. [ Caribbean gentleman pokes his out from a pile of ropical fruit and smiles at the camera ]
[ MONTAGE OF BLACK AND WHITE PHOTOS OF GEORGE FERRIS, THE FERRIS WHEEL ANDVARIOUS FAIRGOERS PLAYED OVER CLASSICAL MUSIC. ]
Narrator (V/O): 1893. The World’s Columbian Exposition in Chicago. Anengineer by the name of George W. Ferris proudly debuts the invention ofthat was his life’s work — The Ferris Wheel. Thousands of wide-eyedfairgoers rode Ferris’ “wheel” that day while its inventor looked onproudly.
[ A PHOTO OF YOUNG SAM WILKINS. ]
Sam Wilkins: I was so excited when I saw it. I waited in line for an hourjust so I could say “I rode the Ferris Wheel.” When the ride was over, itwas like, “Man, that was a letdown!”
Narrator (V/O): Sam Wilkins – Fairgoer.
[ BACK TO FAIR PHOTO MONTAGE. ]
Narrator (V/O): George Ferris was puzzled by the lukewarm response he gotto his wonderful Wheel. He insisted everyone ride it – free.
[ A PHOTO OF FAIRGOER SALLY SCARBOROUGH. ]
Sally Scarborough: The old man offered everyone a free ride! I told him,”You know what? I think I got it the first time — wheel goes up, wheelgoes down. Thanks, but no thanks.”
Narrator (V/O): Sally Scarborough – Fairgoer.
[ BACK TO FAIR PHOTO MONTAGE. ]
Narrator (V/O): By this time, George Ferris was starting to lose hiscool. “Get back on that damn wheel!”, he shouted, “And this time enjoy it!You stinkin’ sheep!” The crowd ignored him until he explained he putthousands of pounds of high explosives into the framework of his “wheel”and if they didn’t start showing some respect, they were all a matchstrike away from a grizzly inferno. The crowd then agreed to give thisremarkable “wheel” another spin.
Ferris himself was at the controls. That ride lasted three and a halfhours but not a soul complained. They were swept up by the magic… of theFerris Wheel!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 22: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 5th, 1996 Lisa Kudrow Sheryl Crow None David L. Lander Paula Pell Dole’s PreparationSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) prepares for his next debate with President Clinton. Recurring Characters: Peter Jennings, President Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Ross Perot, Al Gore.
Montage
Lisa Kudrow’s MonologueSummary: Lisa Kudrow describes her fantasy dream date with the illusion that is “Saturday Night Live.”
Caribbean Essence Bath OilSummary: The appearance of a Jamaican (Tracy Morgan) in the tub soothes the bathing experience. Transcript
Singled OutSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) tries for a date. Recurring Characters: Jenny McCarthy, Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Air Traffic Controller Suel ForresterSummary: Unintelligible aircraft controller Suel Forrester (Chris Kattan) manages to talk a stewardess (Lisa Kudrow) down from the air. Recurring Characters: Suel Forrester.
TV FunhouseSummary: Robert Smigel enjoys a little “Fun With Real Audio” by altering the actions and mannerisms of Larry King and Ross Perot during one of their many interviews.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) reviews “Independence Day.” Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.
Sheryl Crow performs “If It Makes You Happy”
Single & Loving ItSummary: Single life is not really as great as panel of women make it out to be. Recurring Characters: Helen Madden.
The Randolph HotelSummary: A group of hotel bellmen (Jim Breuer, Chris Kattan, Will Ferrell) toss guests’ luggage around the room.
Wymins Poetry NightSummary: Lesbians recite original poetry. Recurring Characters: Mickey The Dyke, Martina Navratilova.
Sheryl Crow performs “Love Is A Good Thing”
Ex-Con GeneSummary: Ex-con Gene (Colin Quinn) is now a waiter, which makes a couple’s (Mark McKinney, Lisa Kudrow) dining experience uncomfortable. Recurring Characters: Gene the Ex-Con.
Brief HistoriesSummary: The events that led to the invention of the Ferris Wheel are explored. Transcript
Norm MacDonald: For many of us who watched, the greatest moment of the Summer Olympics was the winning of the gold medal by the Woman’s Gymnastic Team. Here with me now are Kerry Strug and her brother Kippy.
Kerry Strug: Thanks for having us on the show, Norm!
Kippy Strug: [ hyper ] Yeah, thanks!
Norm MacDonald: So, Kerry.. Kerry, let me start with you. What was going through your head as you were getting ready for that second vault.
Kerry Strug: Well, I was really nervous. But at the same time, I knew that I had to stay focused. And I knew that if I stayed focused, we might have a good chance of winning.
Norm MacDonald: Now, uh.. Kippy. You were there that night. What was going on through your mind?
Kippy Strug: Well.. first, I was really excited! But, then she hurt her ankle, and I got really nervous – on top of being excited! But I was just hoping she can keep her focus.. so I said a little prayer!
Kerry Strug: You said a little prayer?
Kippy Strug: I said a little prayer!
Kerry Strug: That’s so sweet!
Kippy Strug: I know it is, isn’t it!
Norm MacDonald: Now, Kerry, what’s in store for you now?
Kerry Strug: Well, right now I’m really busy, because I’m starting school. And, on top of that, I also have a lot of opportunities.
Kippy Strug: What? That’s so weird! Because, after you hit the second vault, I said another prayer for you to get a lot of opportunities!
Kerry Strug: You did? you said another prayer?
Kippy Strug: Yeah, I said another prayer!
Kerry Strug: That’s so sweet.
Kippy Strug: I know it is, isn’t it!
Coach Bella: [ steps forward ] Okay, you two, come on, party’s over! Come on! Come on!
Kerry & Kippy: Hi, Bella!
Coach Bella: Hey, no time for hellos, we have to go to next interview! Come on, Kerry! Up! Up! [ picks up Kerry ]
Kerry Strug: Aren’t you coming, Kippy?
Kippy Strug: Yeah, I guess I’m coming! [ stands up, but falss to the floor ]
Coach Bella: What!
Kippy Strug: My foot’s asleep! It’s all tingly!
Coach Bella: Come, Kippy! Come on, you can do it! You can do it!
Kippy Strug: No, I can’t!
Kerry Strug: Do it, Kippy! Do it!
Coach Bella: Kippy, listen to me, you can do it! Shake it off, Kippy!
Kippy Strug: [ crying ] I can’t concentrate if you yell at me!
Kerry Strug: Shake it off!
Coach Bella: Shake it off!
Kerry Strug: Shake it off!
Coach Bella: Shake it off!
Kippy Strug: [ recovers ] I’m okay! U.S.A.!
Coach Bella: Okay! Let’s go! [ they exit ]
[ Norm MacDonald holds up his hand and waves to the camera, as “Weekend Update” fades out ]
Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan Fellow Roxbury Guy…..Tom Hanks
Music: What is Love by Haddaway.
[Open to 921 E. 15th St. Apt. 3B, outside, 9:00 PM]
[Cut to the Roxbury Brothers bathroom, in which Steve, Doug, and their fellow member are bopping their heads while brushing their teeth. They turn around, spit out the mix of water and toothpaste, and wipe their mouths with towels, which they throw away soon after. They then spray their hair with hairspray, and blow-dry it. Steve sprays hair gel everywhere, and they leave]
[Cut to a busy New York street at 10:00 PM, with the Roxbury Guys bopping their heads while walking. On the way, they see a beggar with 3 buckets. The Roxbury Guys take them, and do John Travolta’s strut from “Saturday Night Fever” as The Bee Gees’ “Staying Alive” plays. As they are about to enter the subway, they throw the buckets, and What is Love starts playing again. They then walk down the stairs to the subway train]
[Cut to the outside of Train #1, 10:05 PM]
[Cut to the inside of Train #1, with the 3 Roxbury Guys bopping their heads; Steve has a boom box with him, which is playing What is Love]
[A fat African American man walks in, and stares at Steve strangely. The music stops. As the man leaves, the music turns back on again, and the guys continue to bop their heads.]
[Cut to the outside-front of Train #1]
Cut to The China Club, 10:15 PM]
[Cut to the inside of the China Club, where everyone is dancing. Still dancing, they back away, and we see the Roxbury Guys, still bopping their heads. They turn around while drinking wine out of bottles.]
Doug Butabi: [Gets infront of the 3] Hey, hey! You wanna dance with us? You wanna dance with me, huh? No? Right [Returns to the bar]
Steve Butabi: [Gets infront of the 3] Hey, you wanna dance? No? Okay!
Fellow Roxbury Guy: Hey! Haha! Cmon! You wanna dance with me? No? Okay.
Steve, Doug, and Fellow Roxbury Guy: [They see a woman come in, who has a glass of milk, and unexpectedly bounce her around with their chests. Her drink is splashing everywhere on the Guys clothes] HEY! YEAH! How ya doin? Yeah!
Steve, Doug, and Fellow Roxbury Guy: [mumbling happily to themselves, Thinking they scored]
Fellow Roxbury Guy: [Speaking gibberish, and pointing to where the woman left. They run over there, then the crowd dances into the screen and again]
[Cut to the door of the mens bathroom]
[Cut inside the mens bathroom, in which the Roxbury Guys are urinating while bopping their heads up and down. The woman from earlier appears and taps Steves back, and police officers come in, taking them away.They quickly zip their zippers up, yelling angrily]
[Cut to Midtown Precinct South, 11:30 PM]
[Cut to the inside of the station, in which old men, and our 3 Roxbury Guys are getting their mug shots taken, while bopping their heads, and turning them afterwards for side-profile shots]
Steve, Doug, and Fellow Roxbury Guy: Me? Him? No, me? Him? Me? Heh? Him? Me?
[Cut to a man with a teal shirt, handcuffed]
[Cut to Rikers Island, (an island for prisoners), Midnight]
[Cut to the Guys prison cell, their heads still bopping]
[A police officers comes and unlocks their cell]
Doug Butabi: Hey! All right!
Steve Butabi: Yeah! Ha, all right!
Fellow Roxbury Guy: Me? Oh me? Yeah!
[The Fellow Guy and Steve leave the cell, but Doug is still left in there in the cell]
Doug Butabi: Heey! Wha, wha, wha, whaaat? [Fellow prisoners come in] Okay! Yeah! [Two fat prisoners bounce Doug around with their stomachs] Wha wha wha whaaaaat! Whoa, whoa! Aah!
Jay Leno…..Darrell Hammond Andie MacDowell…..Ana Gasteyer John Barbary…..Tom Hanks Mr. Peepers…..Chris Kattan
Jay Leno: And we are back, ladies and gentlemen. We’re talking to Andie MacDowell.. [ points to object hidden by cloth ] ..and, I guess, apparently, in a few minutes we’re gonna find out what this thing is. Andie, I read somewhere that you live on a farm?
Andie MacDowell: I live on a farm, there’s lots of animals..
Jay Leno: That’s terrific! Our next guest is a long-time buddy of “The Tonight Show”, who always beings wonderful creatures from the wild animal park in San Diego. Please welcome John Barbary! [ John Barbary walks out ] Alright, it’s good to see you, John!
John Barbary: It’s great to be here, Jay. It’s always a pleasure!
Jay Leno: Now, what have you brought this time – some of those African sapphire, you know they make me all, you know, gooey..
John Barbary: No, no.. not this time, Jay. I brought you something that is much, much more fascinating.
Jay Leno: Well, that’s a big bulge underneath that blanket, what have you got Dennis Rodman in there!
John Barbary: Oh, no, no. You’re too much, Jay! No, what I brought to you may very well be the missing link.
Jay Leno: Whoa, the missing link? What, is Tom Arnold here? [ rimshot ]
John Barbary: No, uh.. here, let me show him to you.. [ removes blanket to reveal a grotesque-looking man-like creature ] Jay, this is Mr. Peepers! Mr. Peepers is 17-years old, and he comes to us from the Amazon rainforest – so he might be just a little groggy right now.
Jay Leno: Right.. and as far as you know, there’s only one of these in captivity?
John Barbary: Oh, that’s right, Jay! That is correct! And believe me, if there was more than one of these little fellas, I’d be a busy bee! [ Mr. Peepers jumps on John and starts licking him ]
Jay Leno: Boy, I wish my wife Mavis would do that!
John Barbary: Let me tell you about my furry friend here. He has unusually thick hair – very coarse; he has, like a human, man-sized eyebrows; and he has impeccable grooming habits.
Jay Leno: I mean, I bet he’s cleaner than Courtney Love!
John Barbary: [ stands Mr. Peepers on the stool ] Mr. Peepers!
Jay Leno: Geez, does he do any tricks, or anything?
John Barbary: Now, I’m glad you asked me that, Jay. Mr. Peepers has a vocabulary of over 5,000 words! Why, he can even say your name, Jay. [ turns to Mr. Peepers, who is dancing atop the stool ] Mr. Peepers – say Jay Leno!
Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]
John Barbary: Jay Leno!
Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]
John Barbary: Jay Leno!
Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]
John Barbary: Jay Leno!
Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]
John Barbary: Jay Leno!
Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]
John Barbary: Jay Leno!
Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]
John Barbary: There you go!
Jay Leno: [ not convinced ] No, no, no.. Mr. Peepers isn’t saying anything.
Mr. Peepers: Bak! Bak! Bak! [ stomps ]
Jay Leno: What is he doing now?
John Barbary: Oh, he’s just hungry. [ hands Mr. Peepers an apple – Peepers mows it down and spits the bites out machine-gun style ]
Jay Leno: Watch your fingers!
John Barbary: Don’t worry, Jay. Mr. Peepers would never bite me. Peepers and I have this great trusting relationship. You know, Jay, people come up to me and they say, “John, is Mr. Peepers more of a man or a monkey?” I tell them I don’t know, but one thing’s for sure – his heart is all human.
Mr. Peepers: Bak! Bak! Bak! [ stomps ]
Jay Leno: What does he want now?
John Barbary: Uh.. he’s still hungry.. No, Mr. Peepers! [ smacks hands ]
Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]
John Barbary: No, Peepers! [ smacks hands ]
Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]
John Barbary: No! [ smacks hands ]
Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]
John Barbary: No! [ smacks hands ]
Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]
John Barbary: No, Peepers! [ smacks hands ]
Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]
John Barbary: No! [ smacks hands ] No! [ Peepers sits and puts his hand in his mouth ] Oh, alright.. one last one. [ gives Mr. Peepers another apple ]
Jay Leno: We’re gonna have to go to a commercial now, ladies and gentlemen, but I’m..
[ Mr. Peepers runs amuck, jumping onto Jay’s desk, then flops on top of Andie MacDowell and begins to hump her ]
John Barbary: No! No, Mr. Peepers! No! No, Mr. Peepers! No! No, Mr. Peepers! No! No, Mr. Peepers! No!
Mr. Bartholomew…..Tom Hanks Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon Patrick…..Will Ferrell Student…..Ana Gasteyer Miss Lopez…..Cheri Oteri
[ EXT. ST. MONICA’S CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL – DAY ]
[ INT. ST. MONICA’S CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL – DAY ]
[ HALLWAY SIGN: MACBETH REHEARSAL – 3:00 PM ]
[ INT. ST. MONICA’S AUDITORIUM – STAGE ]
[ Two seniors, PATRICK and a FEMALE STUDENT, are dressed in poor man’s Elizabethan costumes. MARY KATHERINE GALLAGHER stands in the far back as a guard. The stage is adorned in trees and a brick wall – all made of cardboard. ]
Patrick: Gentle woman, I have watched two nights with you. When was it Lady Macbeth last walked?
Student: Lo you, here she comes! This is her very guise!
Patrick: Hark, she speaks!
[ MISS LOPEZ, dressed as Lady Macbeth, trudges onto the scene chewing gum. ]
Miss Lopez: Out, damn spot! Out, I say! — then, one, two — why, then tis’ time to do’t…
[ Mary Katherine Gallagher inches closer and closer to Miss Lopez and sticks her spear in front of her. ]
Mr. Bartholomew (V/O): Hold it! Hold, hold, hold!
Miss Lopez: Hell is murky!
[ MR. BARTHOLOMEW, bespectacled in turtleneck and suit, races on stage. ]
Mr. Bartholomew: Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, HOLD!!! Hello?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hi!
Mr. Bartholomew: Who are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher!
[ Mary Katherine Gallagher shakes Mr. Bartholomew’s hand. He rolls his eyes. ]
Mr. Bartholomew: Mary Katherine Gallagher. Um… yes… um… what are you doing?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m the guard.
Mr. Bartholomew: Oh, really?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah, I play the guard.
Mr. Bartholomew: The guard? And pray tell, what exactly is the guard doing over here?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m guarding… and guarding.
Mr. Bartholomew: No, no, Miss Gallagher – you are not guarding… but you are… upstaging! If memory serves me right, seven scenes from now, a “Mr. Macduff” is going to storm through that unattended door back there and cut off Mr. Macbeth’s head. So, if you have indeed been hired to guard the Macbeth household, I suggest YOU get BACK to your POST!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Ok.
[ Mr. Bartholomew gives hand directions to Patrick. ]
Mr. Bartholomew: Again! Patrick…
[ Mr. Bartholomew takes a seat in the front row. ]
Patrick: Hark, she speaks!
[ Mary Katherine Gallagher fends off imaginary foes in the background. Patrick and the other female student fend themselves as Mary Katherine Gallagher overacts with the spear. ]
Student: Lo you, here she comes! This is her very guise!
Miss Lopez: Out, damn spot!
[ Mr. Bartholomew races on stage. ]
Mr. Bartholomew: Hold, hold, hold, hold, HOLD!!! Hold, hold!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m very sorry.
Mr. Bartholomew: Mary, Mary… Hello, hello, HELLO, HELLO!!!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I… I… I… thought I saw Macduff.
Mr. Bartholomew: No, no, NO, NO, NO!!! You didn’t see Macduff! There is no Macduff here. Did anyone see Macduff?
[ The other students shake their heads. ]
Mr. Bartholomew: Patrick, you see Macduff? I don’t see Macduff! MACDUFF! DUFFIE!! DUFFIE!!! HEY! HEY! Do you know why no one has seen Macduff!!!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: No.
Mr. Bartholomew: Because ever since 1609, Macduff hasn’t been in this scene. Maybe in the first draft in 1608, Macduff made an appearance. Maybe… But we here at St. Monica’s High School have chosen to do the later, more popular, final draft of the tragedy of where the guard does not have a scene with Macduff.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m sorry. I thought I saw Macduff.
Mr. Bartholomew: Return to your post, Mary! Continue!
[ Mr. Bartholomew takes his seat. Miss Lopez takes a deep breath and starts smacking her gum louder. ]
Miss Lopez: Out, damn spot!
[ Mr. Bartholomew races on stage. ]
Mr. Bartholomew: Oh, come on! Hold, hold… Miss Lopez, I believe the line is “Out, damn’d spot!” and can we please lose the gum. We are playing Lady Macbeth – Not Bazooka Joe!
Miss Lopez: You know… You know, Mr. Bartholomew!? All right! I can only remember one at a time these stupid words, all right!? Ok! And I cannot believe I missed “Party of Five” to do this crap! All right!? All right!? Guess what? I quit.
[ Miss Lopez spits out her gum and exits. ]
Mr. Bartholomew: Well, Lady Macbeth just quit.
Patrick: Uh… Mr. B? The Inter-Catholic Shakespeare Competition is in 2 days. What are we going to do?
Mr. Bartholomew: Patrick — first rule of the theater is, “The show must go on!” So even if it’s just you, this other girl and Mary here –
[ Mr. Bartholomew stops in mid-sentence as he notices Mary Katherine Gallagher holding her digits close to her face. ]
Mr. Bartholomew: Mary, what are you doing?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and I smell them like that.
[ Mary Katherine Gallagher inhales hard from her fingertips. ]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: It’s awfully gross.
Mr. Bartholomew: Oh no. My… could… could you… just do that again?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Stick my fingers under my arms and then smell them?
[ Mary Katherine Gallagher demonstrates it again. ]
Mr. Bartholomew: Well, how engaging! I cannot turn my head away from you. Miss Gallagher, would you repeat after me…
Mary Katherine Gallagher: What?
Mr. Bartholomew: “Out, damn’d spot!”
Mary Katherine Gallagher: “Out, damn’d spot!”
Mr. Bartholomew: “Out, damn’d spot!”
Mary Katherine Gallagher: “Out, damn’d spot!”
Mr. Bartholomew: “Out, damn’d spot!”
Mary Katherine Gallagher: “Out, damn’d spot!”
Mr. Bartholomew: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”
Mary Katherine Gallagher: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”
Mr. Bartholomew: Now, just imagined you have just killed King Duncan. You see a spot of his blood on your hands, but it won’t come out. “Out, damn’d spot!”
Mary Katherine Gallagher: “Out, damn’d spot!”
Mr. Bartholomew: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”
Mary Katherine Gallagher: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”
Mr. Bartholomew: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”
Mary Katherine Gallagher: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”
Mr. Bartholomew: You are a filthy, murderous queen ridden with guilt! “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”
Mary Katherine Gallagher: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”
Mr. Bartholomew: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”
Mary Katherine Gallagher: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”
Mr. Bartholomew: But the spot won’t leave! You cannot rid yourself of it!!! It returns over and over, like the fingers to your nose!
[ Mr. Bartholomew steps aside. ]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: “Out, dam’d spot; out, I say. One, two — why then tis time to do’t. Hell is murky. OUT, DAM’D SPOT! OUT I SAY!!”
[ Mary Katherine Gallagher starts jumping around the stage. ]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT! OUT I SAY!! OUT!!! OUT!!! OUT!!! OUT!!!!!”
[ Mary Katherine Gallagher falls over a table in the background. All scenery and props collapse at once. Mr. Bartholomew helps her up. She strikes a pose. ]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Shakespeare!
Mr. Bartholomew: Now, THAT, is Lady Macbeth! That is LADY MACBETH!!!
[ Mr. Bartholomew applauds her over and over as she continues to strike a pose. ]
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