Author: Don Roy King

John Goodman’s Monologue

… John Goodman
… Tim Meadows
… Lorne Michaels

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, JohnGoodman!

John Goodman: Thank you very much! Thank you!Thank you very much! It’s really a great pleasure tobe here. This is, if you can believe it, my eighthtime hosting — and I feel great! [cheers andapplause] I’m back here, Spring is in the air and, Idon’t know if you noticed it or not, but I’ve lostsome weight — over seventy pounds. [cheers andapplause] Thank you. Seventy pounds. Took me five daysto do it … And, except for the constant vomiting andlightheadedness, I feel great. Anyway, now that I’mhosting for the eighth time, I kinda feel like I’mpart of the show’s history, hand in hand with suchgreat cast members as Bill Murray, Alan Alda, PhyliciaRashad … Herman Munster– Oh, yeah! The – the”Where’s the Beef?!” lady! … Every week, it’s thirtyminutes of magic.

[Tim Meadows, still wearing the dress he wore for thecold opening, enters and confronts Goodman]

Tim Meadows: Hey, uh, John, uh, you feelin’okay, man? What happened to the Mother’s Daymonologue?

John Goodman: Right. Sorry. [to the camera] Uh,cut! Just do another take, we’ll use that one. [to thecrowd] Uh, just– Folks, we’re just gonna do one moretake and I’ll have it, folks. I’m sorry. [turns tohead upstage but Tim grabs him]

Tim Meadows: John, John, John! What – what youdoin’, man? We’re live.

John Goodman: [overcome with silent laughter,grinning broadly] No, we’re not!

Tim Meadows: Yeah, yeah, yes, we are,man.

John Goodman: Ha! Pal, wake up! [to the crowd]I’m sorry, everyone. Apparently, my little fruityfriend here isn’t … aware that I’ve, uh, hosted theSaturday Night Fun Hour eight times — and I think I’dknow if it were live!

Tim Meadows: Yeah. But John the show’s calledSaturday Night Live. Okay? You’re live rightnow.

John Goodman: [soberly] Oh, great. Suddenly,the show’s live. … That’s okay. Live or not, I stillknow the show cold.

Tim Meadows: Okay, John. Great. [gives Goodmana pat on the back and exits]

John Goodman: Thanks. [sighs] Let’s get thisthing going, all right? [instantly adopts a supercoolveejay voice] Folks, we got a lot of great musicvideos coming up. Right now … let’s get ready forStyx. Roll the video. … [to off screen director DaveWilson] Okay, Davey, have we cut away to the video?Good. Okay, I’m gonna go to my trailer and lose somemore weight. [turns to exit, Tim rushes back in andgrabs him]

Tim Meadows: John, John, wait, man. John, whereyou goin’, man?

John Goodman: Oh, I was just gonna put my headin the diet machine while the videos are playin’ forthe kids.

Tim Meadows: Right. Okay. [to producer LorneMichaels who now enters] Hey, thank God you’re here![Tim happily hugs Lorne]

Lorne Michaels: John, listen, we’re not gonnarun any music videos.

John Goodman: Trust me, we are. And you knowhow I know how? I’ve hosted the show eight times!Eight! [quietly, to Lorne] How long haveyou been here?

Lorne Michaels: Since 1975. I’m the producer ofthe show, John.

John Goodman: [snidely] I know who you are,Leon!

Lorne Michaels: What kind of diet are you on,exactly?

John Goodman: It’s the usual. Grapefruit,Clorox, fiberglass …

Lorne Michaels: Listen, everything’s gonna befine. You’re – you’re doing great. Just – just readwhat’s on the cards.

John Goodman: [sarcastic] Thanks, Leon. …

Tim Meadows: [happily, to Lorne] You did it!You saved the show again! [high-pitched giggle, hugsLorne again]

Lorne Michaels: Easy, Fruity. … [Tim andLorne exit]

John Goodman: [enthusiastic] All right! We’vegot a great show! We’re gonna have some apes fighteach other, dressed like gladiators!

[Tim and Lorne rush on again]

Tim Meadows: John, John, John, John.

Lorne Michaels: John, that’s not what’s on thecards.

John Goodman: [quietly] I’m sorry. We really dohave a great show. Jewel is here. So, stick around.We’ll be right back.

[Cheers and applause. Goodman looks glum but Tim andLorne applaud happily and Tim hugs Lorne again as wepull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Collette Reardon

Collette Reardon…..Cheri Oteri
Don…..John Goodman

Collette: Hi. I need to get some… prescriptions filled. Where’s Cliff?

Don: Uh, Cliff’s at lunch. I’m Don. Wow, that’s a lot of prescriptions. Let’s see what we have here. Percodan, 1000 mg, 500 count?

Collette: Boating accident. Bruised my arm. Dr. Randazo thought I just need to take some Bufferin. For the bruise. But I sensed a touch of bursitis, so, better safe than—well, you know the rest.

Don: So, are you taking any other medications?

Collette: Well this morning I was feeling a little sluggish, so I popped a handful of Benzadrine, to get a jumpstart, you know, just a quick pick-me-up. I got errands.

Don: There’s a new pick-me-up you could try. It’s called coffee.

Collette: HA HA!

Don: I’m serious. All right, you also need a gallon jar of powdered Dilaudid?

Collette: Per Dr. Doug Yoshiki. My ear, nose and throat guy.

Don: You know, you gotta be careful with that stuff. It’s like powdered heroin.

Collette: Tell me about it. I’m diabetic.

Don: It says to inject 500 mg 12 times a day? Are you sure that’s a correct dosage?

Collette: Funny story. Dr. Swicklis got me on Darvan and Demorol. Fine. Dr. Aku has me on Tritescaline, Prozac and Thiazine.

Don: Thiazine the steroid?

Collette: Let me finish, Don. Long story short, I’m late for my hairdresser’s funeral, I cut across the lawn, slip on a fresh crap, and voila! Guess who bruised two fingers?

Don: Collette Reardon…

Collette: That’s me! So there’s that, on top of the grief, well, you must imagine how depressed I was, luckily I find five tabs of lithium at the bottom of my purse, but Mashigian, my OB/GYN, says I probably shouldn’t mix prescriptions on account of the drinking, Don. So what he suggests? The Dilaudid. Surprise!

Don: Big surprise. All right, next we have 65 mg phenobarbitol…

Collette: The same one the Heaven’s Gate’s kids used.

Don: Hold the vodka.

Collette: HA HA!

Don: I’m serious. All right, this one says 1000 buttons of religious-quality peyote.

Collette: Dr. Steve Longshoe. Practices medicine on the reservation. Good kid. GOOD KID!

Don: Mrs. Reardon, I’m not sure your HMO carries peyote, I’m not sure we even carry peyote, but why don’t you have a seat in our waiting area right over there—

Collette: I know where it is, eye candy. Say, this may be the Benzedrine talking, but you’re a slice of man meat, and this prescription says take with food, huh?

Don: Here’s a Whitman sampler on the house, now please, wait over there.

Collette: Okay.

Don: (on phone) Yes, Dr. Steve Longshoe, please. Uh, yes, doctor, I just wanted to check on a patient of yours, Collette Reardon?

Collette: Tell him I said hi, Don.

Don: (on phone) No, I didn’t mean to suggest anything, Dr. Longshoe. Okay. Yeah. Just stay off the firewater. No, I’m serious.

Collette: (singing to herself) “Little ditty ‘bout Jack and Diane, two American kids living in the heartland.”

Don: All right, Mrs. Reardon, everything seems to check out. Here are your medications.

Collette: Thanks, Don. Ooo, I better take my pills and get to work. You gotta be in top form, Don, when you’re driving a schoolbus full of kindergarteners.

Don: You gotta be careful, Mrs. Reardon. You make Courtney Love look like Amy Grant.

Collette: HA HA! Don!

Don: I’m serious.

(fade)

Submitted by: Robert Levy

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Dominican Lou … Tracy Morgan
… Will Ferrell
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking inthe applause. He removes the clip from his sheaf ofpapers and clears his throat.]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks. I’m Norm MacDonald andnow the fake news. Our top story tonight:

In court documents made public this week, independentcounsel Kenneth Starr told a federal judge thatHillary Clinton is now a, quote, “central figure” inthe Whitewater criminal probe. Reacting to the news,President Clinton called the investigation “a partisanwitch hunt,” vowing, quote, “If the First Lady issomehow convicted and has to go to jail, I will doeverything in my power to wait two weeks to startdating.” … [applause and a few cheers]

Meanwhile, FBI Director Louis Freeh said this weekthat Attorney General Janet Reno might have a conflictof interest in her investigation of Democraticfundraising. Freeh also pointed out that Reno mighthave a conflict of interest between her X and Ychromosomes.

There was some good news for Michael Kennedy this weekwhen the parents of the teenage babysitter with whomhe had a five year affair decided not to pursuecriminal charges. However, a lawyer for thebabysitter’s family called Kennedy a, quote, “sick,pathetic individual,” while the County DistrictAttorney described him as a, quote, “alcoholic cradlerobber.” The only kind words came from his uncle,Senator Ted Kennedy, who called him, quote, “aninspiration.” … [cheers and applause]

Real estate mogul Donald Trump announced this weekthat after three-and-a-half years of marriage he isseeking a divorce from wife Marla Maples. According toTrump, Maples violated part of their marriageagreement when she decided to turn thirty. … Thatwas – unacceptable!

At their annual convention this week, board members ofthe National Rifle Association narrowly elected actorCharlton Heston vice-president of the powerful gunlobby. According to Heston, his first priority will bea push to legalize the hunting of, quote, “damn dirtyapes”!

In Alabama, a new state law will dramatically increasethe penalty for bouncing a check. [Norm pulls taperecorder out of his pocket, activates it and speaksinto it] Note to self: Cancel summer vacation plans inAlabama. Find state more accommodating to the NormMacDonald lifestyle. [nods, grins, pocketsrecorder]

On Wednesday, world chess champion Gary Kasparov tiedDeep Blue, the IBM supercomputer that can examine twohundred million positions per second, in the fourthgame of their six game series. Earlier in the week,Kasparov admitted he made a catastrophic blunder ingame two when he failed to force a draw by moving rookto e8, opting instead for a Caro Kann defense thatsoon transposed into a Pribyl defense which, afterDeep Blue moved bishop to e7, gave him the advantagewith his ninth position. With all due respect to Mr.Kasparov … What the hell were you thinking?

Norm MacDonald: Here with a further comment onthe Kasparov/Deep Blue match is Weekend Update chesscorrespondent, and building superintendent at 901Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our own Dominican Lou!Hi, Dominican Lou.

[Cheers and applause for Dominican Lou, a cheerful manwith a thick Dominican accent who waves to thecrowd.]

Dominican Lou: Gracias, gracias. Gracias. Thankyou, Norm. I watching the chess player against thecomputer Deep Blue. I know how he feels. I playdominoes last week with Felix. He live up the block.He always bragging about nobody can beat him. But Ibea’ him. I bea’ him, Norm!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, you –?

Dominican Lou: I bea’ him!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, that’s great. You beat him,huh?

Dominican Lou: I bea’ him!

Norm MacDonald: Ya beat him?

Dominican Lou: I bea’ him.

Norm MacDonald: You beat him?

Dominican Lou: [reluctantly tells the truth]No, I lose to him. … But if I can get the computerto come to my block, then I can teach the computer toplay dominoes. Then the computer can bea’ him. They -then he shut up.

Norm MacDonald: Well, I–

Dominican Lou: He can bea’ him.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah. I – I don’t think that’sgonna happen, Lou. I – I don’t think that the computeris gonna learn dominoes.

Dominican Lou: No. I play all of my life. I canteach the computer to play dominoes in one day. Andthen it can bea’ him.

Norm MacDonald: No, no …

Dominican Lou: It can bea’ him!

Norm MacDonald: No, no, that’s – that’s notwhat I – that’s not what I mean, uh, Dominican Lou. Imean, I don’t think it’s – it’s thatimportant.

Dominican Lou: No. It’s important if you knowFelix. He’s a big mouth.

Norm MacDonald: [thinks he understands] Ahhh! Isee. So what you’re saying, then, is that this is notabout you and Felix. This is about the age-old battleof man versus machine.

Dominican Lou: Nooo. It’s basically about Felixand the mo’chine. Felix versus the mo’chine. You hearthat, Felix? Norm is going to bring his computer andhe’s going to give you– he’s going to whip you’ ass!

Norm MacDonald: No, no, I’m not.

Dominican Lou: He is not afraid of you and yourbrothers! Come down to the studio!

Norm MacDonald: No, no, I am.

Dominican Lou: Come down here!

Norm MacDonald: No, don’t do that. I am.

Dominican Lou: He bust you up good!

Norm MacDonald: No, I’m afraid of you, Felix!

Dominican Lou: He bea’ you!

Norm MacDonald: Dominican Lou, everybody![cheers and applause]

Dominican Lou: Come down!

Norm MacDonald: No, don’t do that. I’m deathlyafraid of Felix.

This week – this week, New York Senator Al D’Amatorepeated his claim that, during the Second World War,Switzerland aided the Nazi war effort and helpedlaunder money stolen from Jews. These charges are theresults of a lengthy, thorough investigation by thesenator which proves, quote, “beyond a shadow of adoubt” that New York has lots and lots of Jewishvoters, and no Swiss voters.

Last week in Cleveland, the rock group Crosby, Stillsand Nash was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall ofFame. In addition, a special lifetime achievementaward was presented to David Crosby’s liver. [Photo ofa liver] … Congratulations, David Crosby’sliver.

In other music news, Paul McCartney will take part inhis first live online chat May the 17th and a recordtwo-and-a-half million calls have already come in frompeople hoping to have an actual moment of contact withthe former Beatle. Although it should be noted thattwo million of those calls came from Ringo Starr, so… When you factor that into it– Yeah, I’ll go overhere– [turns to another camera]

In Washington, D.C., public school officials areasking parents to help pay for needed equipment suchas a new state-of-the-art surveillance system that onearea school has requested. According to the school’sprincipal, the new system will help him monitorcheerleaders that he claims like to vandalize schoolproperty while showering. … I don’t think he’s agood principal at all, that character.

And, in North Carolina, the Bowman Gray School ofMedicine is looking for twenty habitual marijuanasmokers who they’ll provide with free pot in order tostudy the effects of the drug. [takes out recorderagain, crowd cheers and applauds anticipating thejoke] … Note to self: Spend summer vacation atBowman Gray School of Medicine and … maybe takeTimmy Meadows along with you. [pockets recorder,cheers and applause]

In an attempt to secure federal funding, a rural Idahocounty wants the State Transportation Board todesignate some of its roads as “back country byways.”To strengthen their case, local officials plan tosexually assault Ned Beatty. [Photo of actor NedBeatty, well-remembered for his role as the rednecks’rape victim in the film “Deliverance”]

Norm MacDonald: Well, by now, most of you haveseen, or heard, about last week’s episode of “Ellen”in which the main character, played by EllenDeGeneres, announced that she is gay. Here to commenton “Ellen,” our very own Will Ferrell. Hi, Will.[cheers and applause for Will Ferrell who looks nattyin a suit and tie]

Will Ferrell: Hi, Norm, thank you. Likeeveryone in the country, I saw the historic episode of”Ellen” and, of course, I loved it. I don’t know whatit is but when a first class comedian spoofs gaypeople, it always makes me laugh. Hey, let’s face it,gays are funny. I loved Billy Crystal on “Soap” andthat Harvey Fierstein impression of a homosexualcouldn’t be more dead-on. Heck, even I do a funny gayguy around the office. You know, Judy Garland,fresh-cut flowers, interior decorating. It’s all ingood fun. Why not? I’m no homophobe. So, EllenDeGeneres, I salute you. There’s no controversy here.She’s just a damn good comedian who’s able to get goodlaughs pretending she’s a lesbian. And if that’swrong, then that’s my kinda wrong!

Norm MacDonald: Well, well, Will, now, she’s -she’s not exactly pretending.

Will Ferrell: How’s that?

Norm MacDonald: I mean, she wasn’t on the coverof Time Magazine for pretending she was gay. She – shereally is gay.

Will Ferrell: Ellen DeGeneres is gay? The – thereal Ellen DeGeneres?

Norm MacDonald: Yes. She’s a lesbian.

Will Ferrell: [suddenly looks ill] Oh, my god… Oh– I’m gonna be sick. [puts a hand to his mouthand turns away from Norm] Oh, God– [yellow vomitspews out of his mouth onto the floor]

Norm MacDonald: God, are – are you okay there,buddy? I–

Will Ferrell: No!

Norm MacDonald: Will, Will, are you – are youall right?

Will Ferrell: No, I’m not!

Norm MacDonald: It – it – it – it’s not a bigdeal. … [Will puts his head down on the desk (inpart to conceal the vomit leaking from thepuke-spewing device hidden in his sleeve)] Will, it’sokay. It’s okay. She just has– She has sex with -with women, that’s all. She has–

Will Ferrell: God, why did you put that dirty,sickening imagine in my mind?! Oh, no, here it comesagain! [pukes again, all over the desk]

Norm MacDonald: Good God, she’s just alesbian!

Will Ferrell: Oh, stop it please! Sto– [stillmore puke, this time in Norm’s direction – Norm backsaway, arms in the air – Will falls out of his chairand drops to the floor, disappearing behind the desk]

Norm MacDonald: There’s Will Ferrell,everybody! [applause and cheers] Will Ferrell. [Normpicks up his vomit-speckled sheaf of papers gingerly,then sets it next to the puddle of puke atop the desk,wiping his hands as he reads the next item:]

Well, in Albany, New York, Susan John has asked toresign as chairwoman of the State Assembly Alcohol andDrug Abuse Committee following her arrest ondrunk-driving charges. On the bright side for Ms.John, she has been asked to chair the Assembly’sCommittee on Irony. … [pulls out tape recorder] Noteto self: Never ever follow a vomit-spewing guy with ajoke.

[Norm pockets the recorder, then scoops up some vomitoff the desk with his bare hand and eats it – thehorrified crowd groans and hollers loudly – Norm givesthe crowd a look, as if to say, “What’s the bigdeal?”] It’s good, it’s quite good! [licking hisfingers] Normally, I – Normally, I don’t like WillFerrell vomit but this is actually very good! …[still licking his fingers] Let’s just end it! Folks!That’s the news. Good night!

[Applause. Norm cautiously takes the microphone offhis necktie. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 17th, 1997

Jeff Goldblum

En Vogue

None

Nightline

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel.

Jeff Goldblum’s Monologue

Goldblum endures Jim Breuer’s dinosaur impressions.

Big Brawn Feminine Napkins

(Repeat) See: 09/28/96.

Mary Katherine Gallagher

Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) has perfect match in departing teacher (Goldblum).

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Space, The Infinite Frontier

Harry Caray (Will Ferrell) would eat the moon if it were made of ribs.

Recurring Characters: Harry Caray.

TV Funhouse

“Fun With Real Audio” uncovers tue meaning of “talk show trash”.

Goth Talk

Recurring Characters: Circe Nightshade, Azrael Abyss.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Recurring Characters: Lenny the Lion.

Kennedy Kapers

Members of the Kennedy Family compete on game show.

Recurring Characters: Ted Kennedy.

Larry King’s News & Views I

Larry King (Norm MacDonald) further dispenses odd statements.

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

Take This Job And Shove It!

Janet Blaum (Ana Gasteyer) fails to tell off union boss (Goldblum) successfully.

Recurring Characters: Janet Blaum.

Vic Ocasek’s Rock & Roll Fantasy Camp

Vic Ocasek’s (Goldblum) rock-and-roll camp features only former rock stars.

Jerry “Steve” Dave

Jerry Steve Dave (Tim Meadows) provides for a strange job interview.

Larry King’s News & Views II

Larry King (Norm MacDonald) voices more personal thoughts.

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

SNL Transcripts

Jerry “Steve” Dave

Molly … Molly Shannon
Mr. Bradley … Jeff Goldblum
Mr. Dave … Tim Meadows

[Receptionist Molly enters a plush executive officewith a file folder and approaches her boss, Mr.Bradley, who sits at his stylish desk. Both aredressed expensively but tastefully. Reproductions ofpaintings by fine modern artists decorate the paneledwalls.]

Molly: Mmm. Uh, Mr. Dave is here to see you,sir.

Mr. Bradley: Who?

Molly: Uh, Mr. Dave, he’s, uh, he’s here tointerview for the engineer position.

Mr. Bradley: Oh, right, right, right. Did hefill out an, a, uh, an application?

Molly: Yeah, he did. [hands him the filefolder] It’s right – it’s right in here …

Mr. Bradley: Okay.

Molly: … so you can look at that.

Mr. Bradley: Thank you. Send him rightin.

Molly: Okay. [calls to Mr. Dave] Mr. Dave?Right this way.

[Molly exits once Mr. Dave enters, wearing an oldyellow shirt that reads HAWAII ’88. He shakes handswith Mr. Bradley who is stunned at Mr. Dave’sastonishingly casual dress for a high-tech jobinterview.]

Mr. Dave: Hey! Thanks for seein’ me, Mr.Bradley!

Mr. Bradley: Hi…

Mr. Dave: Yeah.

Mr. Bradley: … Mr. Dave. Have a seat. Mypleasure. [they sit] Say, can I give you a tip for thefuture? This – this shirt you’re wearing …?

Mr. Dave: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [proudly] I gotthis in Hawaii in 1988. … You can’t get ’em any moreand this one is NOT for sale.

Mr. Bradley: [decides not to say anything aboutit] Oh, okay. … [reads the application] Uh, well,let’s just – let’s just go ‘head and see what yourapplication says, Mr. Jerry Dave.

Mr. Dave: Yeah, but, uh, you can call me”Steve.”

Mr. Bradley: [gives him a look] Okay, Steve.[consults application] Uh, when asked why you wantedthe job of engineer, you put, “To fake an injury andsue you. No, just kidding.” … “To make free Xeroxesof my one-man show, entitled ‘Jerry “Steve” Dave’sSongs in the Key of Steve’ – Just kidding again.” [Mr.Dave laughs, grins, nods his head at his joke] Uh,”Really, so I can buy a boatload of fireworks andcelebrate the Fourth of July in style.”

Mr. Dave: Yeah, you know, I have two loves inmy life — uh, Fourth of July and, of course,teamwork.

Mr. Bradley: Really? And yet, and yet, on yourapplication, you put here, “Teamwork is for suckers.When I’m hired, I will do to teamwork what Napoleondid to Japan.”

Mr. Dave: Yeah, he – he conquered Japan,right?

Mr. Bradley: No.

Mr. Dave: [turns on the charm] Come on, man.I’m Jerry “Steve” Dave, the Magic Man! [grins, wiggleshis eyebrows]

Mr. Bradley: [taken aback] Okay. I – I’m notsure what that means, uh, but, uh, you know, this -this job requires, uh, a college degree in the fieldof electrical engineering and, uh, for education, yousay here you’ve completed “a few freestyle potterycourses at the Learning Annex.” So–

Mr. Dave: Yeah, yeah, see, I’ve been reallyhittin’ the books really hard lately to show that I’m,um — what’s the word I’m lookin’ for?Supergood! Yeah, that’s the word. I’m – I’mreally supergood at things.

Mr. Bradley: Okay. “Super good” is two words,by the way. But, uh, ah … Say, let me – let me askyou something. Uh …

Mr. Dave: Mm hmm?

Mr. Bradley: Wh – where do you see yourself in,like, say, uh, ten years?

Mr. Dave: Wow. Ten years. That’s a long asstime, man. … Um, I don’t know what I’m gonna bedoin’ but it would definitely involve this souped-upKawasaki jet ski …

Mr. Bradley: Uh huh.

Mr. Dave: That’s right, you heard me. … And,uh, let’s see, uh, I don’t know, what else did I puton that application there?

Mr. Bradley: Ah, that “my ten year goal is toget a souped-up Kawasaki jet ski.” Ah, that’s all youwrote.

Mr. Dave: Yeah? Well, that’s all I want! …[smiles, claps his hands together and rubs thementhusiastically] So, when do I start?

Mr. Bradley: Mr. Dave, uh, I’m gonna be honestwith ya. I really don’t think, uh, that you – that youthought this thing through.

Mr. Dave: Really? Did I happen to mention thatI have “101 Dalmatians” on laserdisc? [winks broadly,clicks his tongue]

Mr. Bradley: [rises] N-no, you didn’t. Uh, so,uh, listen, I’m sure you want to get on with your day,so we gotta – we gotta let you leave.

Mr. Dave: [threateningly] You shouldleave.

Mr. Bradley: [more confused than scared]What?

Mr. Dave: [instantly nonchalant] Nothin’.[smiles, rises]

Mr. Bradley: Okay. Come on. Let’s go. [the twomen walk to the door]

Mr. Dave: You’re makin’ a big mistake, man.

Mr. Bradley: Well–

Mr. Dave: [grandly] I am Jerry “Steve” Dave,the Magic Man!

Mr. Bradley: [opening the door for Mr. Dave]You said that before, you said that before. Thanks somuch. [offers to shake hands]

Mr. Dave: Hey, you, uh, you wanna get stoned?[pulls out a joint and holds it up]

Mr. Bradley: What? My God in Heaven, please![pushes Mr. Dave out the door] Get out of here. [Mr.Dave exits, a shaken Mr. Bradley calls for hisreceptionist] Molly! Molly! Jesus. [Mr. Bradley shutsthe door and looks baffled as we fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Larry King’s News & Views I

Larry King…..Norm MacDonald

[Bespectacled, suspender-wearing talk show host LarryKing bends over his typewriter and cranks out hisnewspaper column.]

Announcer: If you’re not reading “Larry King’sNews & Views” in USA Today, then you’re missing out onthe issues that matter.

Larry King: [into the camera] This is “News andViews.” Here’s my two cents, gang. If you only see onefilm the rest of your life, it should be – “Dante’sPeak”!

Yours truly will be in Branson, Missouri next week foran exclusive interview with – Eddie Rabbitt.

The more I think about it, the more I appreciatewater. A great, great beverage.

Is it just me or is anyone else sick and tired – ofthe Special Olympics?

Promoter Don King: one class act!

I don’t ever remember wearing a hat. Not once. Notever!

I dined with O. J. Simpson in Los Angeles last weekand, take it from me, folks, the Juice is still a herowherever he goes.

Of all the causes of death, burning in a fire is stillNumero Uno in the pain department.

There isn’t a better chef in the world of food thanChef Boyardee.

I have no tolerance for people who bury other peoplealive.

Announcer: This has been USA Today’s “News &Views with Larry King.”

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
Dominican Lou … Tracy Morgan
Bill Clinton … Darrell Hammond

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

Late this week, President Clinton and RussianPresident Boris Yeltsin met in Helsinki to discuss thesensitive topic of NATO expansion. For his part,Yeltsin stood firm, saying he must do what is rightfor Russia, while Clinton also stood firm, saying hemust do what is right for China.

On Thursday, in a stunning admission, the LiggettGroup, makers of Chesterfield, Lark, and L&Mcigarettes acknowledged publicly that their cigarettesare addictive and do cause cancer. Hours later, thefour other major tobacco makers Reynolds, PhilipMorris, Lorillard, and Brown and Williamson issued ajoint statement saying quote, “Today’s announcementcomes as no surprise. Everyone knows Liggettcigarettes cause cancer.”

Also this week, a California newspaper revealed thatO.J. Simpson was awarded custody of his childrenmainly because a court-ordered psychological testshowed that he is a loving father. It should be noted,however, that the same test also showed that he was aloving husband. [applause]

Following the surprise withdrawal of his nomineeAnthony Lake, President Clinton has chosen acting CIAdirector George Tenant to head up the agency. Now allhe needs is the approval of the House, the Senate, andthis Chinese guy. [Photo of elderly bespectacled Asianman]

In Washington this week, the Supreme court is havingarguments on whether or not pornography should bebanned from the Internet. According to veteran courtwatchers, eight Justices are leaning toward a ban,with one against. [Norm strokes his chin thoughtfully]Gee, I wonder which one would be against … [Photo ofJustice Clarence Thomas] … a ban on pornography? Letme – Let me see now, there’s … Nah, it wouldn’t behim–

Meanwhile, at the University of Nebraska, computerscientists have developed a version of the Internetthat is up to one hundred times faster than thecurrent system. According to analysts, those using thenew system to log on to America Online will now bedisconnected in three one thousandths of a second.[mild reaction and then some applause] … You everget on a computer? You know anything aboutthem?

In Congress, members of the House Women’s Caucus sayprosecution of sex offenders must be the Army’s toppriority, despite concerns of racial insensitivity onthe part of investigators, which would be the secondpriority. Then, I guess, the Army’s third prioritywould be — defending the nation. …[applause] … You know? That’d be third.

Well, this coming Monday is Oscar night and threefilms, “The English Patient,” “Secrets and Lies” and”Shine” are locked in a tight race in the category:”Best picture there’s not a chance in hell I will eversee.” … No interest at all in seein’ those.

Norm MacDonald: And, now, here with his reviewof the Oscar-nominated movies is the maintenance manat 1410 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our old friend,Dominican Lou. Hi, Dominican Lou. [cheers and applauseas we pan over to Dominican Lou, a cheery, mustachioedman with a thick Dominican accent, who smiles andwaves]

Dominican Lou: Gracias, gracias. Thank you,Norm. Thank – thank you for having me on and puttingme here on the show.

Norm MacDonald: Sure.

Dominican Lou: I love to watch the program. Ilove to watch the movies. The “Sling Blade,” the”Eddie Maguire,” and “The English Pages.” … It -It’s a good movie. A lot of people, they enjoy thismovie. They love to see it. They love to see the TomCruise. It’s very good for them.

Norm MacDonald: Uh huh.

Dominican Lou: They like it.

Norm MacDonald: What was your favorite part ofthe movie?

Dominican Lou: I don’t know. I didn’t see it…. I have no time. I’m working all the time, youknow? But I hear it’s a good movie. Is good movie.People in the building, they talking about it a lot.They love the movie. They like to see the movie. Allthe time. They talking about it.

Norm MacDonald: Oh … well, well, that’sgreat. Great. So they liked it, huh?

Dominican Lou: They did not see it yet. …They just talking about it. They was going to see it.It’s very good. My friends. Maybe they get to see themovie and have a good time. They have a nice time.They say they want to see the movie. I don’t go. Iworking all the time. … I – I too busy. I do cleanthe building. Besides, I don’t watch the movie. I – Ilike-a the TV better.

Norm MacDonald: Okay. Well, uh… Hey, what areyour favorite TV shows?

Dominican Lou: I like-a the reruns thebest.

Norm MacDonald: Oh? Oh, what reruns do youlike?

Dominican Lou: It doesn’t matter. As long asit’s reruns.

Norm MacDonald: Well, why would you like thereruns the best?

Dominican Lou: Because then I – I can alreadysay I can already see it and I turn it off and I goback to work.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, okay. Dominican Lou,everybody! [cheers and applause as Lou waves goodbye,Norm shakes his hand] Yeah! Good job. Yeah. [Louexits]

A person who suffers two sharp, powerful blows to thehead within a short period of time can suffer braindamage or even die. This according to a new study inthe medical journal “DUH.” … [cheers andapplause]

This week, a London tabloid published the firstexclusive pictures of Michael Jackson’s baby, secretlytaken by a guest at the King of Pop’s Neverland Ranch.Upon seeing the pictures, Michael said, “This is notmy baby,” then quickly added, “I’m not saying he isn’thot, he’s hot, it’s just not my kid.” … [mixedreaction from crowd, Norm elaborates frantically] “I’mnot saying– He’s a – he’s a very sexy infant, it’sjust not mine.” … “I would love to have sex withhim, he’s just not my child is all I’m saying.”[Norm’s efforts draw a smattering of applause]

This week, pilot Linda Finch marked the sixty yearanniversary of Amelia Earhart’s attempt to fly aroundthe world, by setting out on her own round-the-worldflight. Finch took off on Monday from the sameOakland, California airfield as Earhart, and hopes toreach Europe by next Wednesday. By Sunday evening, ifall goes well, she plans to have mysteriouslydisappeared forever.

In music news, Dr. Jack Kevorkian has performed andrecorded a one-hour CD of his own jazz compositionsfor the flute. You know, Dr. Kevorkian, I’ve, uh, I’velistened to your CD and I’ve got some advice: Don’tquit your day job. All right? You know, murdering oldpeople. Stick with that. Stay away from the flute andstick with the, uh, the murdering old people. Just myadvice.

A report by Assistant Treasury Secretary Jim Johnsonshows that the arrest rate for church arsons is morethan twice the national average for arsons in general.[grows thoughtful, pulls his portable tape recorderfrom his pocket, activates it and speaks into it] Noteto self: Start setting fire to something other thanchurches. … If you can– [shuts off recorder,pockets it, mild applause]

Earlier today, the biggest auction ever of Beatlesmemorabilia took place in Tokyo. Among theone-of-a-kind items on the block were Paul McCartney’sbirth certificate, a white Mercedes-Benz owned by JohnLennon and, rarest of all, a photo of George Harrisonnot looking haggard. … Have you ever seen one? Whenyou think about it?

And the British Sunday Times is reporting that Belgiandoctors have accidentally cloned a human being. Thehuman being? You guessed it — Frank Stallone.[Doctored photo of two Frank Stallones]

Well, Reader’s Digest has released its 1997 list ofthe best and worst places to raise a family in theUnited States. The best place? Sheboygan, Wisconsin.While the worst place in America to raise a family:the Neverland Ranch. [cheers and applause]

Norm MacDonald: “Absolute Power” — ClintEastwood’s film of murder and political corruption –continues its strong showing at the box office. Here,with his review, is Update movie critic and 42ndPresident of the United States, Bill Clinton! [cheersand applause]

Bill Clinton: Thank you and God bless youall… Norm, director Clint Eastwood’s latest filmopens promisingly enough. The President of the UnitedStates, played by Gene Hackman, is having a rendezvouswith his mistress at the home of her wealthy husband.So far, so good. [nods and grins] … But, suddenly,everything goes to hell for the two lovers andfor us the audience. Hearing the sounds of rough sexand believing the President to be in danger, SecretService agents burst in, shooting the President’smistress dead. I almost walked out right then… I’msorry I didn’t, Norm, because this movie is one big,steaming piece of pony loaf… I did not like thismovie.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, whoa-whoa, Mr. President.It couldn’t have been that bad.

Bill Clinton: Oh, come on, Norm. It wasthat bad. And what drives me crazy is here you got allthe makings of a great motion picture. You got thePresident of the United States. And an attractiveyoung mistress. And what do they do in the first fif–five minutes? They kill her off! They kill off themistress! Why do that? [lowers voice to a whisper]Why?

Norm MacDonald: Well…

Bill Clinton: [whispers] Why?

Norm MacDonald: Well, what should they havedone–?

Bill Clinton: [whispers] Why?

Norm MacDonald: What should they have donedifferently, Mr. President?

Bill Clinton: Norm, it seems to me, if I weremaking a film about a murder and cover-up at thehighest levels of government, you’d choose a morecompelling victim than the President’smistress.

Norm MacDonald: Like – like who?

Bill Clinton: The President wife! … To me,that’s obviously the way to go. And they blew it.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah.

Bill Clinton: They blew it.

Norm MacDonald: I see what you mean, Mr.President. Yeah, the First Lady, you know, her beingmurdered would be a bigger deal, wouldn’t it?

Bill Clinton: Exactly. If the President’smistress disappeared, who would know? But if the FirstLady were suddenly to vanish, how would the Presidentexplain it? And would the public buy his explanation?If not, what kind of explanation for his wife’sdisappearance would they buy? … Haven’t youever wondered about these things? … Don’t you everthink about stuff like that? [applause]

Norm MacDonald: I guess you’re right. I – I cansee – I can see the possibilities.

Bill Clinton: Aw, come on, it’s obvious toanyone. The First Lady murdered! There’s yourmovie! … But, unfortunately, screenwriter WilliamGoldman would rather kill off a beautiful youngmistress whose only crime was liking roughsex.

Norm MacDonald: Oh! Come on! … Mr. President,come on.

Bill Clinton: Mr. Goldman, if you’re out therewatching, you should be shot … and your body draggedto a park to make it look like a suicide.

Norm MacDonald: Oh-ho! Come on, now… Come on.Come on. Easy there, Mr. President. I think you’rebeing a little rough on Mr. Goldman there.

Bill Clinton: Well, uh, well, you didn’t seethis movie, Norm. It was El Stinko. In fact, on ascale of one to ten, I give this gobbler a one. [Cutbriefly to graphic of the Seal of the President of theUnited States with superimposed flashing numeral “1”and horn sound effect]

Norm MacDonald: Okay. Oh, there we go.

Bill Clinton: Yes, sir.

Norm MacDonald: All right, Mr. President, youmade your point. You didn’t like the movie. Anyway,hey, we’re all wondering, how’s the – how’s the kneedoin’? Is it giving you any pain?

Bill Clinton: Oh, not as much as sittin’through “Absolute Power,” Norm. I mean, itreeked.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, I know, you don’t likeit. Okay.

Bill Clinton: I didn’t like this movie.

Norm MacDonald: Okay, fair enough. ThePresident of the United States, everybody! [cheers andapplause]

Bill Clinton: I did not like this movie.[starts to exit]

Norm MacDonald: Danny Wilson, 17th floor! Goodnight, everybody!

[Norm waves and takes the microphone off his necktie.Applause. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Barbara Walters Oscar Special

Barbara Walters…..Cheri Oteri
Cuba Gooding Jr…..Tim Meadows
Geoffrey Rush…..Mike Myers
Billy Bob Thornton…..Darrell Hammond

Barbara Walters: Good evening and welcome to my Oscar special. This will certainly go down in Oscar history as the year of the independent film.

[show “Jerry Maguire” movie poster]

The only major studio film being considered for Oscar stance is “Jerry Maguire”. And while he’s not from Cuba, he is Good… ding, at what he does, Jr. My first guest: Cuba Gooding Jr.

[cut to Barbara and Cuba sitting down for interview]

Barbara Walters: Cuba?

Cuba Gooding Jr.: Yes, Barbara?

Barbara Walters: Sock it to me. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. Whatchu talkin’ bout, Willis? And now, Cuba Gooding Jr., show me the money!

Cuba Gooding Jr.: Yeah, that’s right. That’s from “Jerry Maguire”. Now, I’m really happy about the success.

Barbara Walters: And aren’t you happy that all of America loves saying “show me the money”?

Cuba Gooding Jr.: Well, I don’t know about that, but I’m happy, you know, to be moving on to other projects.

Barbara Walters: Ooh, did you ask your agent then to show you the money?

Cuba Gooding Jr.: Seriously, stop. Say that again and I’m gonna show you the door.

Barbara Walters: Well, apparently all of my phrases revolve around the phrase “show me the money” and since I’m unable to adlib, I’ll show myself out. On Oscar night, let’s hope the Academy shows you the Oscar!

[Cuba gets up and chases Barbara]

[show “Shine” movie poster]

Barbara Walters: You could say that the Academy has definitely taken a “Shine” to Geoffrey Rush. His powerful portrayal of piano prodigy David Helfgott is the premier Oscar pick. Some say Geoffrey Rush’s acting is so convincing that he should be up for an Oscar and a Grammy.

[cut to Barbara and Geoffrey’s interview]

Barbara Walters: Geoffrey, I’m going to rush right into this. You, Geoffrey Rush, are Australian. Your character, David Helfgott, also Australian. Happy coincedence?

Geoffrey Rush: Australia-Australia-ha-ha! [indistinct talking] [gets up to feel Barbara’s breasts]

[show “Sling Blade” movie poster]

Barbara Walters: My next guest is Billy Bob Thornton, whose touching portrayal in the movie “Sling Blade” has the critics buzzing. Horton may hear a who, but Thornton may hear a hooray on Oscar night. I caught up with Billy Bob in his shack behind his house somewhere in Arkansas.

[cut to Billy Bob and Barbara’s interview]

Barbara Walters: Billy Bob, how were you able to create Karl, the simple yet misunderstood character who was completely like yourself?

Billy Bob Thornton: I reckon you could make me some French-fried potaters, mm-hmm.

Barbara Walters: Well, I’m not much of a cook, but I am hungry… for a genius named Billy Bob Thornton to show us his true self.

Billy Bob Thornton: I reckon you could show me the money!

Barbara Walters: Come on, Billy Bob, surely you can say something about being nominated for an Oscar?

Billy Bob Thornton: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 12th, 1997

Rob Lowe

Spice Girls

None

Joe Pesci

Robert De Niro
NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) conducts a satellite interview with Marshall Applewhite (Will Ferrell) and the Heaven’s Gate cult members.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel.

Transcript

Montage

Rob Lowe’s MonologueSummary: After finding the diary he left behind the first time he hosted, Rob Lowe reads the 80’s-themed entries inside of it.

Transcript

KedsSummary: The shoes worn by level-headed Christians on their journey into their next life.

Transcript

The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Eric Roberts (Rob Lowe) and David Spade (Chris Kattan) are administered beatings from Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) and Robert De Niro (Colin Quinn). The real Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro then make a surprise visit, and neither are impressed with the exaggerated impressions of themselves.

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Robert De Niro.

Note: It was planned for Alec Baldwin to reprise his two-time Robert De Niro impression, but scheduling conflicts prevented his appearance, so Colin Quinn took over the role instead.

Note: The “surprise” of the cameos by the real Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro was only a surprise for anyone who hadn’t read the internet or listened to a radio during the lead-up week, as their scheduled appearance received considerable coverage in the media throughout the week.

Transcript

Food, Sex, or Cars?!Summary: Game show contestants choose the most desirable object among food, sex and cars.

Recurring Characters: Suel Forrester.

Transcript

Goth TalkRecurring Characters: Circe Nightshade, Azrael Abyss, Glenn.

TV FunhouseSummary: In an animated adventure by Robert Smigel, the X-Presidents summon the ghost of Richard Nixon to aid in their rescue of Vice-President Al Gore from a group of aliens.

Transcript

NBC Lesbian ProgrammingRecurring Characters: Mickey The Dyke.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldNote: Norm MacDonald delivers the fake news solo, without any guest commentaries.

Note: Norm MacDonald accidentally drops the F-bomb between jokes, and thus speculates on his being fired.

Spice Girls performs “Wannabe”

PerspectivesSummary: While interviewing baseball player Jermaine Allensworth (Tracy Morgan), Lionel Osbourne (Tim Meadows) can’t seem to comprehend the significance of Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier fifty years earlier.

Recurring Characters: Lionel Osbourne.

Transcript

La Politica Non Correcto

Spice Girls performs “Say You’ll Be There”

Janet Blaum’s RantSummary: Though she’s fueled with anger, waitress Janet Blaum (Ana Gasteyer) is ineffective in telling off her boss (Rob Lowe).

Recurring Characters: Janet Blaum.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

Food, Sex, or Cars?!

Jim Oliver…..Rob Lowe
Kyle Richards…..Will Ferrell
Brad Robert…..Jim Breuer

Announcer: Which would you rather have: a lobster dinner, CindyCrawford, or a brand new Porsche?

Audience: The Porsche!!

Announcer: That’s correct! And that how you play.. “Food, Sex, or Cars?!” And now, here’s your host: Ji-i-im Oliver!

Jim Oliver: [ rushes out ] Hello, and welcome! It’s time once againfor the game where you have to decide which is best – food, sex, orcars? Let’s meet our contestants! Kyle Richards is a fraternity brother atSouth Carolina College. [ Kyle runs out ] Good to have you here, Kyle.

Kyle Richards: TKE rules!

Jim Oliver: Yes, it does. Contestant #2: Brad Robert! [ Brad runsout ] Brad is from Deleware, where he is a Pop-a-Shot repeairman.

Brad Robert: It’s good to be here, Jim!

Jim Oliver: Okay. Well, let’s see how the game works. Three choiceswill appear on the Food, Sex, or Car board. The contestant must decide whichof the three is the most desirable: the food, the sex, or the car. And ifyou’re right, you get $100. For instance: [ game board spins ] ..a tacosalad, Kelly LeBrock, or a Jaguar. And the answer would be: Kelly LeBrock.Okay? Got it? Good! And, as always, all of our answers have beenpre-determined by a world-class thinktank of psychologists, physicists,crptiosimitists, and other really smart people. Okay, let’s start! Kyle,it’s your turn!

Kyle Richards: Alright! Whoo-hoo!!

Jim Oliver: Let’s go, Kyle! Your choices are: [ game board spins ]..potato skins, Connie Chung, and a Pontiac Bonneville. Which will it be:the food, the sex, or the car?

Kyle Richards: Oh, man.. that’s a sweet-ass Bonneville.. butConnie Chung is a honey..

Jim Oliver: Time is running out.

Kyle Richards: Then again, I never turn down some tasty potatoskins.. think! Think! I’m gonna have to say Connie Chung!

[ winning beeps heard ]

Jim Oliver: That is correct!

Kyle Richards: Yeah!

Jim Oliver: You’re up $100. Brad, it’s your turn. Your choicesare: [ game board spins ] ..a hero, the blonde sister from Heart, or aFirebird.

Brad Robert: Ah, this is a tough one! Firebirds are cool.. but I’mgonna have to say.. a hero!

[ winning beeps heard ]

Jim Oliver: Right! We’ve got a barnburner here! tie game. Kyle,it’s your turn.. [ game board spins ] ..a cheese calzone, Carly Simon, anAstro van.

Kyle Richards: Ohh, this is hard! I can carry my hockey net in thatAstro van.. uh.. I love that song, “Anticipation”.. Is it Carly Simon?

[ wrong answer buzzer heard ]

Jim Oliver: Ohhhh.. the answer was Cheese Calzone. I’m sorry, Kyle.Brad, you’ve got a chance to grab the bull by the horn. Your choices are:[ game board spins ] ..pork dumplings, Sade, or a dune buggy.

Brad Robert: Definitely Sade!

[ wrong answer buzzer heard ]

Jim Oliver: No, I’m sorry. The answer was a Dune Buggy.

Brad Robert: [ aghast ] Oh, no way! Anybody would rather have Sadethan a dune buggy..

Jim Oliver: No, I’m sorry, Brad.. because even though Sade is veryexotic, you just can’t underestimate how cool it would be to jump over asand dune in a cool buggy! Ha ha ha! Let’s move on. Kyle: [ game boardspins ] ..garlic bread, Martha Stewart, or a Postal van.

Kyle Richards: [ thinking ] Oh! I know this one! Garlic Bread!
[ winning beeps heard ]

Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! Back to you, Brad: [ game board spins ] ..ahead of lettuce, Shirley Hemphill, or a ’79 Pinto.

Brad Robert: [ perplexed ] I.. have no idea.. uh.. a head oflettuce..?

[ winning beeps heard ]

Jim Oliver: Yes! Brad has the lead! Kyle: [ game board spins ] ..anorange circus peanut, Bea Arthur, or a Dodge Dart. Go!

Kyle Richards: [ stunned ] What?

Jim Oliver: Come on, please.. you must guess!
Kyle Richards: I don’t want to eat, have sex, or drive any of those things..

[ wrong answer buzzer heard ]

Jim Oliver: I’m sorry. Quick, Brad, you can grab this round!

Brad Robert: Well, I know it’s not Bea Arthur! Is it a..circus peanut?

[ winning beeps heard ]

Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! Okay, the choices are coming fast now: [ game board spins ] ..a raw egg, Betty Ford, or the Beverly Hillbillies’ truck.

Kyle Richards: Oh.. this is hard.. Hillbillies’ truck!
[ winning beeps heard ]

Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! Yes! [ game board spins ] A can of beets, Estelle Getty, or a bobcat with a saddle on its back.

Brad Robert: Uh.. the beets!

[ winning beeps heard ]

Jim Oliver: Yes! [ game board spins ] Army rations, Squeaky Fromme, or a boogieboard.

Kyle Richards: Boogieboard!

[ winning beeps heard ]

Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! [ game board spins ] A bucket of lard,She-Hulk, or the Hindenburg.

Brad Robert: She-Hulk!

[ winning beeps heard ]

Jim Oliver: Yes! That is correct, and we have a winner! Brad, you walk away with $500! Well, that’s all the time we have for today.. so remember, no matter how noble and spiritual you think the human race is, all we really care about is.. Food, Sex, or Cars?! That’s right!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts