Author: Don Roy King

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly

Andy Gray…..Mike Myers
Ian Daglers…..Mark McKinney
Ted Engler…..David Hyde Pierce

[ open on ESPN2 graphic ]

Announcer: You’re watching ESPN2 – The Deuce! Coming up later on The Deuce: Women’s Seniors Indoor Beach Volleyball, qualifying tournament, from Lincoln, Nebraska. But, right now on The Deuce, we have Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly.

[ dissolve to random scenes of soccer hooliganism ]

Voiceover Jingle: “Scottish! Soccer! Hooligan! Weekly!”

[ product graphics appear as they are mentioned ]

Andy Gray V/O: Brought to you by.. Doc Marten boots; they’re great for kicking in heads, and I’m not kidding! Also brought to you by.. Truflite Darts; remember: those are for dart boards, not for throwing at rival fans! Also, brought to you by.. Milk; it does a body good.

[ dissolve to Andy and Ian sittng behind table of their set ]

Andy Gray: Hello! And welcome to “Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly”! I’m your host, Andy Gray!

Ian Daglers: [ speaks haggardly throughout ] And I’m your other host, Ian Daglers! Hey!

Andy Gray: Ah, alright then, tonight’s topics are: “Scotland’s soccer team – great on paper, crap on grass!”

Ian Daglers: Also, on tonight’s show – new techniques in dart throwing! Hey! Head’s up on ye! [ throws dart offscreen, hooligans scream ]

Andy Gray: Alright! [ they clink steins ] And, finally, firebombs: pro and con.

Together: Prooooo!!

Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get down to business, because I’m steamin’ piss drunk, and I’m gonna be sick!

Ian Daglers: Hey!

Andy Gray: Ohhh, I’m hummin’! [ lowers heads, spits a chunk onto the table ] And, besides, I’ve got a court appearance in, ohhhhh… [ looks at his watch ] 43 minutes.

Ian Daglers: Hey! What’d you do this time?

Andy Gray: It was during the Scotland-Denmark game. Evidently, I threw a live jaguar onto the field, ’cause of a disupted penalty kick.

Ian Daglers: Hey! What’d you do that for?

Andy Gray: Why not?

Ian Daglers: What do you mean, why not?

Andy Gray: What do you mean, what do you mean, why not?!

Ian Daglers: I asked ya’ a question, you wee girl!

Andy Gray: [ a change of heart in his attitude ] Alright.. give us a kiss here.. [ reaches his arms to Ian lovingly, then smashes his skull into Ian’s nose ]

Ian Daglers: Ow!! [ grabs hand to nose and lowers head, raises it back up to reveal a serious blood flow ] Bloody hell! Oh, you broke my nose again, you bastard!

Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get this show on the road, ’cause I’ve quite a face on and I’m gonna start chundering like a snowblower!

Ian Daglers: Okie-dokie! Alright now, as you know, hotels on the continent don’t rent rooms to soccer hooligans like ourselves. Hey!

Andy Gray: Okay. So let’s start with a topic: where’s the worst place you’ve ever had to spend the night?

Ian Daglers: [ thinking ] Oh, uh…. that would be the, uh.. rancid manure and rotten vegetable compost heap in Baden-Baden, Scotland vs. Germany, 1991. And you, hey!

Andy Gray: Scotland vs. The Netherlands, 1987, the Hague. I feel asleep inside a policeman’s horse!

Ian Daglers: [ bewildered ] How’d you do that, then?!

Andy Gray: Oh, it was three o’clock in the morning, as cold as a witch’s teat! No room in the inn for this Scottish soccer hooligan! Necessity being the mother of invention, I managed to hack my way inside the horse using some crude farming implements! You know, I say it was the worst night I ever had, but, actually, I slept like the Baby Jesus inside my equine cocoon.

Ian Daglers: I might try that, I might try that!

Andy Gray: You might, eh, you might? You know, I remember one particularly unpleasant innkeeper in Antwerp, Belgium. I inquired about a room, to which I received the reply, “Oh, we have plenty of rooms, Sonny Jim, but not for you, you scummy soccoer hooligan!”

Ian Daglers: Well, that’s not very nice.

Andy Gray: Oh, aye. I was — at first, I was quite taken about.

Ian Daglers: Oh, I can imagine..

Andy Gray: But then, I stuck a Coke bottle up his stinkin’ Flemish bum!

Ian Daglers: Hey! Good idea!

Andy Gray: You could see why I was thrown into some sort of Fatty Arbucklian dementia. Now, in the end I was forced to take a toffee hammer to his rectal vault and smash the Coke bottle into a thousand wee shards.

Ian Daglers: Hey! Why does it always have to end that way? Hey!

Andy Gray: I don’t know, I just don’t know! I’m steamin’!

Ian Daglers: Oh, that reminds me. Once, I chewed a Belgium’s ear off!

Andy Gray: How was it?

Ian Daglers: Oh, you’d be surprised.

Andy Gray: Oh, really?

Ian Daglers: Yes! Now, let’s bring out our guest, then. He’s from America. Now, interestingly enough, he’s not a soccer hooligan!

Andy Gray: Ohhhh, what’s he doing on the show, then?!

Ian Daglers: Because he’s a tennis hooligan! Now, please welcome, from the Chicago, U.S.A., Ted Engler!

[ Ted Engler enters studio to welcomed enthusiasm from Andy and Ian ]

Andy Gray: Alright! There we are! Ted Engler! Welcome to “Scottish Soccer Hooligan”!

Ted Engler: Hello, Ian; hello, Andy. It’s great to be here!

Ian Daglers: Hey! Are you drinking? Do you need a plastic can?

Ted Engler: No, thanks, I don’t drink.

Andy Gray: What do you mean, you don’t drink? You’re a hooligan, aren’t you?

Ted Engler: That’s right! I’m a tennis hooligan!

Ian Daglers: What exactly do you do, then?

Ted Engler: Well, what I like to do is, go to a match and pick out the player that I hate, and right before he serves I like to do something distracting, like shift in my seat or yawn!

Andy Gray: Hey?

Ian Daglers: Hey?

Ted Engler: Hey.. hey, one time I coughed. Really loudly. That was great.

Ian Daglers: Hey! Do you ever throw darts at the opposing player’s fans?

Ted Engler: Oh, good Lord, no, that would be dangerous.

Andy Gray: [ lowers stein ] You know, I rather like what that retarded chap in Germany did to Monica Seles. Now, that was first-rate hooliganing!

Ian Daglers: That was bloody magic!

Andy Gray: Magic!!

Ian Daglers: Magic! Teddy, hey – you ever stabbed anyone?

Ted Engler: Uh.. no. Nope.

Andy Gray: Uh, you ever thrown anyone under a bus?

Ted Engler: Mmmm.. never.

Ian Daglers: Let me ask you, Teddy – how fast can you run?

Ted Engler: Oh, very fast.

Ian Daglers: [ stands over Ted ] Oh, well, you better get started, ’cause I’m about to kick your ass!

Ted Engler: [ offended ] Oh! That’s not very nice!

Ian Daglers: [ mocking ] Oh, that’s not very nice, is it?

Andy Gray: [ puts hands on Ted’ shoulders ] Oh, you’re alright. Come here, give us a kiss. [ butts his head against TEd’s head, bloodying him up ] Boom! There you go!

[ Ian smashes Ted’s head against the table, as Andy looks at his watch ]

Andy Gray: Oh, Christ! Look at the time! [ knees Ted in the groin and punches him in the face; Ted falls under the table ] Alright, well that’s all the time we have for the show! I’m Andy Gray!

[ Ted’s bloodied hand rises above the table, so Ian smashes it with his elbow ]

Ian Daglers: And I’m Ian Daglers!

Andy Gray: Piss off!

Ian Daglers: Piss off!

[ Andy and Ian continue to kick at Ted under the table, as the theme music pots up and the title graphic appears on the screen ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
… Tim Meadows
… Jay Mohr

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thanks,I’m Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news.

Singer Billy Joel survived a massive earthquake whichrocked Japan this week. The quake, which hit the portcity of Kobe, killed nearly five thousand people anddemolished hundreds of buildings. To repeat: do notpanic! Billy Joel has survived the earthquake!…

[Photo of Bill and Hillary Clinton – Bill’s arms areoutstretched before him] Here we see PresidentClinton, looking for something — anything — to hugbesides his wife. … [cheers and applause]

In an effort to feel smarter than somebody, Dan Quaylethis week spoke to four thousand Amway employees. …[cheers and applause]

Jimmy Carter has written a collection of poetry. Itincludes his latest poem, entitled “Ode to a CountryFull of Stupid, Ungrateful Bastards.” …

Here’s an amazing story: twins born ninety-five daysapart. Even more amazing, they were born to differentmothers and they don’t even look alike. … Hard tobelieve.

Well, the NHL strike officially ended Thursday. Aftersome adjustments to the schedule, the regular seasonstarted last night, and the playoffs will starttomorrow. …

And now, with a commentary on the resolution of thathockey strike, is Tim Meadows. Tim?

Tim Meadows: [cheers and applause as we panover to Tim in a suit and tie] Thank you. Well, thehockey strike is over and no one is more relieved thanme, Tim Meadows. For a while there, I didn’t think Iwas gonna make it and I’m sure I speak for allAfrican-Americans when I say, “Game on at last! Gameon at last! … Thank God Almighty, game on at last!”… You see, white America had taken everything itcould from black people. Our culture, our heritage,our freedom and, finally, with the NHL strike, our icehockey. …

I tell ya, it was weird to walk through theAfrican-American community at night and not hear thesound of “Hockey Night in Canada” coming from everyhome. … Or kids saying, “Yo! Yo! He shoots! Hescores!” … And I couldn’t call my brother and say,”Yo, Tyrone, did you see the Whalers last night?” …And, echoing the sentiments of the entireAfrican-American community, he would say, “Yo, littlebrother, the Whalers were fly. The Whalers were fly.”… So, play on, Pavel Bure. And, skate faster, JeffBeukeboom. And, cover that net, John Vanbiesbrouck.The African-American community and Tim Meadows arewatching. Back to you, Norm. [cheers andapplause]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Tim Meadows! Thanks,Tim.

A blind man felt Princess Diana’s face last week andsaid, “She is the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen.” Hethen picked up a toilet plunger and said, “Thank youfor this royal scepter, I shall treasure it always.”…

According to the National Transportation Safety Board,sleepy truckers are responsible for one thousanddeaths a year. In second place? O. J. Simpson at twodeaths a year. …

Well, O. J. Simpson’s lawyers stopped feuding thisweek, finally. The dream team, F. Lee Bailey andRobert Shapiro, were able to put aside theirdifferences and express their admiration for eachother after O. J. threatened to cut their heads off…. [cheers and applause]

The United Paramount Network’s new show, “Star Trek:Voyager,” finished in first place Monday night with a14.7 rating. For those of you who don’t know, onerating point is equal to 950,000 nerds. … [someboos]

Officials in Disney World have ordered their ride “TheExtraTERRORestrial” to be shut down until it can bemade scarier. When the attraction reopens in twoweeks, it will be exactly the same — but missing sixbolts. …

This week, a court banned gays from marching inBoston’s St. Patrick’s Day parade, but they will stillallow them to be beaten up by drunken Irish guys. …[scattered applause] I’m afraid to know what you’reapplauding at there. Okay. …

Norm MacDonald: And now, turning again tosports, it’s time for Jay Mohr’s Wacky SportsBloopers. Jay?

Jay Mohr: [cheers and applause as we pan toJay] Thanks, Norm. Hello. Thanks, Norm, you know,there’s been a lot of nutty stuff goin’ on in thesports world lately so let’s just get right to thevideotape. First, in football, it’s the AFCchampionship game between the Steelers and theChargers. Here’s a kickoff like you’ve never seenbefore. [dissolve to video, goofy music accompaniesthe video which runs backward] The Steelers’ CharlieJohnson takes the ball — and he throws it seventyyards back to the kicker’s foot! That is crazy!… [dissolve back to Jay who laughs and pounds on theWU desk]

Alrighty! Whooo! … Now to hockey. The season’s onlyone night old but already we have an incredibleblooper for you. Opening night at the Garden, Rangersversus Sabers. Check out this action. [dissolve toupside down video of hockey game] Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaahaha! They’re skating upside down, everybody! Somebodyteach these guys about gravity! Hee hee hee![dissolve back to Norm and Jay at the WU desk]

Norm MacDonald: Uh, Jay, about these bloopers,they’re–

Jay Mohr: Now, hold on a minute, Norm! Youain’t seen nothin’ yet, okay? Quickly now tobasketball. [dissolve to Chicago Bulls basketballgame] Scotty Pippen tries to shoot and, wouldn’t youknow it, the ball freezes to the backboard![freeze frame of video] … [dissolve to Jay] Hey,Scotty, what’d you do, cover the ball with glue?[laughs]

Norm MacDonald: Okay, Jay, that’senough.

Jay Mohr: Enough?! Come on Norm, you can neverget enough of those wacky sports bloopers! They’repriceless!

Norm MacDonald: Now, now, Jay, these – thesearen’t bloopers, you just manipulated thevideotape.

Jay Mohr: Aw, you’re talkin’ crazy. … Comeon, check this one out.It’s from the U.S. Clay Court Championships. [dissolveto speeded up video of men’s tennis game] And JimCourier and Goran Pripic have quite a rally going!Yowww! … Look at those guys, they’re flying, where’sthe fire?! Somebody gave those guys super energy pillsor somethin’, right?! [dissolve back to Norm andJay]

Norm MacDonald: Hey, Jay, uh, look I’m sorry,I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Bloopers arereal events that happen on the field. You’re giving,uh, sports bloopers a bad name.

Jay Mohr: Aw, all right, fine, Norm, if that’sthe way you want it. I think I’ve got a blooper that’smore, y’know, real. Uh, we go to basketball.[dissolve to NBA basketball game] Seattle’s KendallGill goes up for a dunk and misses! [dissolveback to Norm and Jay]

Norm MacDonald: [laughs long and loud] Ahh,hahahahaha! … Ah, that’s funny!

Jay Mohr: No, that’s not the blooper. Keepwatching, Norm. Here it goes. [dissolve back to videoof NBA basketball game] Seattle gets the ball back,here they are and, wouldn’t you know it! [cut to oldfilm of Godzilla looming over a sports complex]Godzilla attacks the arena! … [Godzilla’stail smashes a structure, he emits radioactive breath,setting fire to some buildings] Wow! Put a tent onthat circus! I’ve never seen anything like that![dissolve back to Norm and Jay] That’s it, Norm, fromthe wacky world of sports!

Norm MacDonald: [nods, rolls his eyes] Okay,thanks, Jay. [cheers and applause for Jay, Norm shakeshis head at him]

Los Angeles Rams owner Georgia Frontiere announcedthis week that her football team is moving to St.Louis. The good news for the Rams is that, changingcities, the ticket sales will increase and more peoplewill pack the stadium. The bad news for the Rams is:they will still suck. …

Well, the Super Bowl is still a week away, but alreadythe 49ers are leading 31 to nothing. …

Finally, Amy Fisher charged this week that, while inprison, she was raped by a guard. The guard, oneJoseph Buttafuoco, has been reassigned to the prisonauto body shop. …

So, apparently, that’s the one we’re ending on. Okay,that’s it for now. See ya next week,folks!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 11th, 1995

Bob Newhart

Des’ree

Suzanne Pleshette

Colin Ferguson Trial

Colin Ferguson (Tim Meadows) makes a mockery defending himself in court.

Bob Newhart’s Monologue

Newhart jokes about security guard’s first night on the job when King Kong visits.

Ricki Lake

Dr. Bob Hartley (Newhart) counsels bizarre family sex problem.

Recurring Characters: Ricki Lake.

Book Buzz

Author of world record book (Chris Farley) prints personally-verified information.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

In clip, O.J. Simpson witness (Chris Elliot) makes faces at the camera.

David Spade ponders likely suitors for newly-single Cindy Crawford.

Adam Sandler sings about the “Sex Phone Lady.”

Baywatch

Civilian (Newhart) saves drowning man (Chris Farley) when Baywatch team don’t react.

The Evaluation

Postal Employee Relations Officer (Newhart) evaluates a disgruntled employee.

“Hi Bob”

Newhart stops Chris Farley and Chris Elliot from playing drinking game.

Sports Beat

Manic-depressive announcer (Newhart) is interviewed.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Gold nuggets vs. the hardware store.

Goodnights

Bob Hartley (Newhart) wakes up following bad dream that he hosted “SNL”.

SNL Transcripts

Colin Ferguson Trial

Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Prosecutor…..Mark McKinney
Judge…..Michael McKean
Colin Ferguson…..Tim Meadows
Bailiff…..Jay Mohr
Mr. Schmidt…..David Spade
Mr. McConnell…..Bob Newhart

[ open on Court TV logo ]

[ logo breaks apart to reveal Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Welcome back to Court TV, in our continuing coverage of the O.J. Simpson trial. I’m Terry Moran. Well, Judge Ito has just called a recess, and while we’re waiting we’re going to take you to a very different trial that’s unfolding all the way across the country in Miniola, New York. There, Colin Ferguson, accused railroad gunman, has been allowed to conduct his own defense.

[ dissolve to Prosecutor addressing the court, with SUPER: “Colin Ferguson Murder Trial – Opening Statement By Prosecution” ]

Prosecutor: The prosecution will prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that Colin Ferguson, on the evening of December 7th, 1993, fired a 9mm handgun indiscriminately at twenty-five passengers on the Long Island Railroad. You will see that the evidence of his guilt is overwhelimng, as is the enormity of the crime.

Judge: Mr. Ferguson, your opening statement, please.

Colin Ferguson: [ steps before the court ] Thank you, Your Honor. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, and all beings visible and invisible. The prosecution would have you believe I, Colin Ferguson, am guilty of these crimes, and so would the witnesses. But if you listen with an open mind, you will realize that, A: I did not shoot them, they shot me; B. I wasn’t on the train; and, C: There is no such thing as a “railroad” or a “Long Island.” Colin Ferguson is a victim of a conspiracy. Thank you.

Judge: Alright, uh.. let’s begin. Mr. Ferguson, you may call your first witness.

Colin Ferguson: Uh, yes. Mr. Ferguson would like to call to the stand, uh, Mr. Mark Schmidt.

[ Mr. Schmidt takes the stand, as the Bailiff steps up to him ]

Bailiff: [ holds out Bible ] Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Mr. Schmidt: I do.

Colin Ferguson: Now, Mr. Schmidt, you were on the train that day in December. Tell the court what happened that day when you shot me.

Mr. Schmidt: No, you shot me, and then you shot, like, twenty other people?

Colin Ferguson: We’ll let the jury decide who shot who. Now, would you describe the man who shot you?

Mr. Schmidt: You shot me.

Colin Ferguson: Please, answer the question, sir, unless you have somethig to hinde. Now, describe the man, please.

Mr. Schmidt: Uh.. African-American male.. 5’10”.. 180 pounds, and right now he’s wearing a brown suit?

Colin Ferguson: Is that man in the courtroom?

Mr. Schmidt: Yes. Yes, he is.

Colin Ferguson: Would you point him out, please?

[ Mr. Schmidt points directly at Colin Ferguson, who immediately ducks behind the podium to avoid falling in the line of fire ]

Colin Ferguson: Let the record show that Mr. Achmidt pointed to the man in the second row, sear number 3.

Prosecution: Objection!

Judge: Sustained.

Colin Ferguson: Your honor, may I have a second to, uh, confirm with my client?

Judge: Surely.

[ Colin Ferguson talks amongst himself, turning from one side of the courtroom to the other to differentiate the aggressive lawyer and the passive client ]

Colin Ferguson: I’ll handle this! [ to Mr. Schmidt ] Okay – let’s say I shot you. [ turns to the jurors, spins one hand and points to Mr. Schmidt with the other hand ] Cuckoo-oo! [ recomposes himself ] You must have done something to provoke me.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather,
just because he worked hard and saved his money.
True, working at the hardware store didn’t pay much,
but he felt it was better than what everybody else did,
which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day.
It turned out he was right.
After forty years, the volcano petered out.
Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke.
Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren’t many left by then.
Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor’s bills were real high.

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

Himself/Bob Hartley…..Bob Newhart
Emily Hartley…..Suzanne Pleschette

[ Bob Newhart stands at Home Base with cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live” ]

Bob Newhart: I had a great time, did you have a great time tonight? [ audience cheers ] Des’ree!

[ Newhart and the cast wave goodnight as the credits roll. Norm MacDonald presents Newhart with one of his comedy albums, which Newhart happily autographs and displays for the audience to see. ]

[ cut to the individual Broadway Video and NBC Productions logos ]

[ dissolve to black, then dissolve up on the bedroom of Bob and Emily Hartley. Bob rises frantically and turns on the light. ]

Bob Hartley: Oh, my God! Honey, honey, wake up!

[ Emily Hartley rises from her side of the bed ]

Emily Hartley: What is it, Bob? Did you have another dream?

Bob Hartley: Yeah! It was.. it was horrible! I dreamed I was hosting “Saturday Night Live”.

Emily Hartley: “Saturday Night Live”? Is that show still on?

Bob Hartley: I don’t know! [ pause ] But thank God it was a dream. Good.. good night, honey.

Emily Hartley: Good night, Bob.

[ they kiss goodnight, turn off the light and go back to sleep, as “The Bob Newhart Show” theme music pots up and the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

USAir

Hugh Stockton…..Kevin Nealon
Tom Manley…..Chris Farley
Karen Shelton…..Roseanne
John Leland…..Chris Elliot

Announcer: A message from the people at USAir.

Hugh Stockton: Hello, I’m Hugh Stockton, President of USAir. As you may have heard, USAir has suffered several crashes in the past few months. Since then, we’ve taken solid steps to reaffirm our dedication to flight safety. We call it the USAir four-Point Safety Guarantee.

Point 1: We won’t try to fly planes that are missing parts.

Point 2: No more skimping on fuel. From now on, we’ll measure the fuel, to eliminate the guess factor.

Point 3: Only qualified pilots, with real qualifications. No more imposters!

And, Point 4: Free McDonald’s Happy Meals for kids under 12. That’s a Hamburger or McNuggets, fries, a medium drink, and a surprise toy insid.

As you can see, our flight safety is really.. “taking off”. Just last weekend alone, every one of our flights landed safely. and we’re confident that next weekend.. we’ll make it two in a row. But don’t take my word for it. Let’s hear from some of our USAir’s 26,000 employees.

Tom Manley: Hi! I’m Tom Manley. And I’m a mechanic here at USAir. These planes don’t take off until I – or one of these guys – say so. And now that our contract’s been settled, you can be sure we’re working for USAir, and not against it.

Karen Shelton: Hi, I’m Karen Shelton. And, as a US-Air flight attendant, I don’t do much to help flight safety.. but, on the other hand.. I don’t do much to hurt flight safety, either. If I wanted to, like, sabotage a plane, I would have no idea how to do it, because I just don’t have the training! I guess, you could stick something in the air intakes to cut the fuel line or something, but I don’t know, I’m just talking!

John Leland: Hi. I’m John Leland, and I’m a USAir pilot. And I think I speak for practically all my colleagues when I say that I do not have a death wish. I have no strange compulsion to intentionally crash a plane. [ chuckles ] And, well, it’s a good thing, because God knows it would be easy! Easier than not crashing it, which, actually is very difficult. How can we be sure that no USAir pilot has a death wish? Well, we can’t. But, uh, if there were any who did.. they probably would have crashed their planes by now! So.. [ chuckles ] ..you think about that!

Hugh Stockton: Still worried about flying USAir? Look at it this way – the other airlines crash their share, too, believe me. Let’s face it.. air travel is just.. very, very dangerous. But, if you’re gonna take the risk, it might as well be with us. Because, at USAir, we learn something from every crash. That’s a guarantee.

Jingle: “We learn something from every crash!”

SNL Transcripts

Multiple Personalities

Psychoanalyst…..Norm MacDonald
Roseanne…..Roseanne

[ open on Roseanne sitting in session with Psychoanalyst ]

Psychoanalyst: Alright, Roseanne, let’s work, uh, some more on your multiple personality disorder. At our lkast session, we exploited several of your multiple personalities, and I think we made some real headway. Now, I want you to just close your eyes and just relax. [ Roseanne closes her eyes ] Are you relaxed?

Roseanne: Yes, Doctor.

Psychoanalyst: Alright. Who would like to talk first?

[ Roseanne drifts into her first personality ]

Roseanne: Hello, Doctor.

Psychoanalyst: [ somewhat bored by the proceedings ] Hello. Who am I speaking to now?

Roseanne: My name is Leesha. And I love to have sex!

Psychoanalyst: [ curiosity now suddenly piqued ] Ohhh..

Roseanne: I’m kind of a whore.

Psychoanalyst: Okay, Leesha.. why don’t you tell me about yourself?

Roseanne: Well, sex liberates me, Doctor! I’ll have sex with anyone at any time! And I love to talk about sex all the time, too! I love oral sex – is that wrong, doctor?

Psychoanalyst: Well, do you feel that it’s wrong?

Roseanne: No! I love sex. Especially giving oral sex! Would you like me to tell you a story about how much I love to give oral sex?

Psychoanalyst: Well.. if you’d like.

[ without warning, Roseanne drifts into a separate personality ]

Roseanne: Hi, I’m.. Mandy! I’m six years old!

Psychoanalyst: [ startled ] Hey, hey, hey! What happened to that last woman?!

Roseanne: Tomorrow’s my birthday!

Psychoanalyst: Oh, your birthday, huh? You don’t say.. well..

Roseanne: I want a pony!

Psychoanalyst: Well, I.. I don’t know how practical that would be here in the city.. listen – uh, is that last woman around? I, uh, I think her name is.. Linda.. or something..

Roseanne: [ speaking as herself ] Mary wants to talk to you?

Psychoanalyst: Who?!

Roseanne: Mary! The lady who works in a library!

Psychoanalyst: Oh, yeah, Mary, she’s that – do I have to talk to her, I hate her.

Roseanne: [ drifts into the next personality ] Hello, Doctor.

Psychoanalyst: Oh, Mary! Hey, good to see you there, how are things at the library..?

Roseanne: Oh, I love irt at the library, everything is so orderly and quiet at the library.

Psychoanalyst: Oh, yeah, yeah.. it’s nice with the. the books there. Listen, uh, Mary, uh.. let me talk to the whore! Is she around?

Roseanne: Who?

Psychoanalyst: The whore! I think her name was.. “Leek”.. or.. “Leesi”, or something.. one of them weird names..

Roseanne: [ quickly drifts into another personality ] Hello, Doctor! I don’t think we’ve met before, my name is Brenda!

Psychoanalyst: [ now completely bored ] Oh.. hello there, Brenda..

Roseanne: I wanna kill someone!

Psychoanalyst: Oh, really..? Well, isn’t that something, huh..?

Roseanne: I want to kill Leesha!

Psychoanalyst: Well, she’d better be careful, then.. hey, hey, wait a minute! LEESHA!! That’s the WHORE!! No! you can’t kill her!

Roseanne: Why shouldn’t I?! You said she’s a whore yourself! She’s nothing but a dirty whore!

Psychoanalyst: Yeah, yeah.. but it’s not her fault, you know? It’s.. it’s society!

Roseanne: I have so much rage inside of me, I must kill someone!

Psychoanalyst: Whoa, whoa, whoa now, Brenda.. rage is something that, uh.. you have to learn to deal with, you know? [ thinking ] Hey, I’ll tell you what – why don’t you go kill that librarian! And, while you’re doing that, I’ll have a chat with our friend the whore! Try to talk some sense into her!

Roseanne: [ changes personalities once more ] Hello, Doctorrr. How have you been? It’s Margaret.

Psychoanalyst: [ ready to crawl out of his skin ] Oh, Margaret.. oh yeah, yeah.. aren’t you that old lady that’s afraid of birds, or something..?

Roseanne: Well, not all birds.. just the sparrows. I’m so afraid that they’ll try to pick my eyes out! Why am I so afraid of the sparrows..?

Psychoanalyst: [ trying to speed things along ] Well, uh, you know, at your age, you gotta be careful there.. you know, them sparrows could be pretty, uh.. Listen, Margaret, uh.. put on the whore!

Roseanne: [ changes personalities ] It’s Brenda! I just killed the whore!

Psychoanalyst: [ outraged ] You what?! You killed the what?!

Roseanne: Yeah! I killed the whore! And I feel so much stronger now!

Psychoanalyst: Well, that’s just great! I can’t believe this! I’m so angry right now! You killed the interesting personality you had in the bunch! You’re some piece of work, lady! It’s ridiculous! Ridiculous! Alright, snap out of it there, Sally! Betty! Whatever the hell your name is! Session’s over! You’re done!

Roseanne: [ coming out of it ] Oh.. well.. I feel a lot better. How did it go?

Psychoanalyst: [ feeling deflated ] Oh, it went great! Hey! I’ll tell you what – we’ll see you next week, we’ll have some great conversations about, uh.. libraries and birds!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 10th, 1994

Alec Baldwin

Beastie Boys

Christian Slater

Beastie Boys, “Sure Shot”

A Statement By Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders

Dr. Joycelyn Elders (Ellen Cleghorne) delivers pro-masturbation speech.

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

Baldwin and Canteen Boy (Adam Sandler) promote awareness.

Recurring Characters: Canteen Boy.

Lexon Paradox

(Repeat) See: 10/01/94.

Santa Believers

Cop (Kevin Nealon) tries to explain to suburban family that Santa Claus isn’t real.

L.A. Breast & Penis

Plastic surgeons (Baldwin, Chris Elliot, Janene Garafalo) save train wreck victims.

Japanese Game Show

Larry Templeton (Chris Farley) is an unexpected and confused contestant.

Rookie Cop

Mangled body of gunshot victim causes a cavalcade of vomit in New York.

The Young & The Youthful

Wealthy Pierce (Baldwin) vs. mentally-challenged brother Petey (Baldwin).

Family Road Trip

Parents (Michael McKean, Janene Garafalo) battle kids during car ride.

The Exotic Dancer

Bride-to-be (Janene Garafalo) is scarred by unsexy exotic dancer (Chris Elliot).

Celebrity Memorial Auction

Auctioneers (Baldwin, Chris Elliot) have stolen celebrity items on the block.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

What makes a jellyfish beautiful.

Celebrity Memorial Auction

Mike…..Alec Baldwin
Dennis…..Chris Elliot
Bidder #1…..Mike Myers
Bidder #2…..Ellen Cleghorne
Bidder #3…..Kevin Nealon
Bidder #4…..Janene Garafalo
…..Christian Slater

[ open on Mike and Dennis standing at the podium presenting items from their celebrity auction ]

Mike: Welcome, everyone, to our Celebrity Memorial Auction. We’ve got some remarkable items on the block today, so let’s get right to it. First up.. Lot 1-B: Anthony Hopkins’ Oscar award. [ holds up the Award ]

Dennis: That’s right, Mike. This is a, uh.. 1991 – this is the one he won for, uh.. for “Silence of the Lambs”. How ’bout that? Something, huh? Now.. we recently acquired this when Mr. Hopkins died. So..

Bidder #1: Uh.. excuse me. Yeah. Anthony Hopkins isn’t dead.

Dennis: Uh, right.. well, actually.. he, uh.. he gave up the Oscar because he needed the money.

Bidder #2: Uhhh.. isn’t Anthony Hopkins, like, a millionaire?

Mike: Uh.. no. The bidding will start at $5,000! Do I hear $5,000?

Bidder #3: $5,000.

Mike: $5,000. I see $6,000?

Bidder #2: $6,000.

Mike: $6,000.

Bidder #4: $7,000.

Mike: Do I see 8?! No? [ a beat ] Going once.. twice.. Sold! For $7,000!

Dennis: That’s for you.

Mike: Next up.. Lot 2-B.

Dennis: Oh, yes! Now, this-

Mike: A big handful of Meryl Streep’s jewelry!

Dennis: Oh, now, this is a beautiful collection there, Mike. We’ve got, uh.. everything here. We’ve got earrings.. we’ve got pearl necklaces.. we’ve got, uh.. some silverish things here – I don’t know, I guess they’re bracelets.

Mike: This collection was very important to Meryl. She kept it hidden in a steel safe, which was built into the wall of her bedroom. The only way you could reach the safe.. was by sawing through the wall and ripping out a section of it.

Dennis: Yeah.. really tough.

Bidder #4: Um.. pardon me. Um.. why do you gentlemen have this.. stuff?

Mike: Uh.. we got it when Meryl Streep died.

Bidder #3: But Meryl Streep is not dead.

Dennis: [ quickly ] She needed the money.

Mike: Okay! Do I hear $10,000?

Bidder #3: $10,000.

Mike: Uh, do I hear-

Bidder #1: $12,000!

Mike: $12,000! Anyone for $13,000? [ no more bids ] Going once.. going twice.. sold for $12,000! Here, uh.. let me, uh.. wrap that up for you, sir.. [ puts it behind the podium instead ] Ah.. we’ll get to that later. Okay, folks.. let’s take a moment to preview some of the items that will be auctioned during our afternoon selection. Lot 4-C: Sylvester Stallone’s TV and stereo.

Dennis: That’s right. Now, this is a beauty, ladies and gentleman. The TV is a 25-incher.. the stereo has a programmable CD in it – and, look what I found today, Mike! [ opens stereo, pulls out a CD ] It’s got the new Eric Clapton CD in it! [ laughs ] Yeah, I didn’t know it had that in it! That’s something else! You’ll love it!

Mike: And, also, of course.. Lot 6-C: unopened mail addressed to Tom Selleck.

Dennis: Yeah. Now, that’s, uh.. that’s something your friends don’t have. Yeah, that’s somthing else.

Mike: Alrighty. Next up on the block is Lot 3-B: Robert Redford’s wallet and credit cards!

Dennis: That’s right. Now, this is one of my favorites. This is, uh.. hmm.. beautiful leather. And uh.. the credit cards in here, Mr. Rdford used extensively while he was filming the feature film, uh.. “Quiz Show”. Uh.. I don’t know if any of you are familiar with that. And, please notice inside that there is a $50 bill.

Mike: So, the bidding will start at uh.. $50. Do I hear $50?

Bidder #4: $50.

Bidder #3: $75!

Bidder #1: Hey, uh.. yeah.. excuse me? Those credit cards are cancelled, right?

Mike: Uh.. I don’t believe so.. Dennis?

Dennis: Well, as of yesterday evening, they were still active!

Bidder #1: $300!

Bidder #4: Uh.. mmm.. $400.

Mike: Do I hear five? [ no more bids ] $400 once.. $400 twice.. sold, for $400!

Bidder #4: Excuse me – do you have any other celebrity wallets? Because I’d be willing to pay for a Robert De Niro.

Mike: Uhh.. I think we can do that.. Dennis?

Dennis: Ah, that shouldn’t be a problem. You come back and see me next week.

Mike: You know whose wallet is very easy to get, is Jimmy Stewart.

Dennis: Yes!

Mike: Oh. Speaking of, uh.. next week, I should mention a couple of very items we’ll be auctioning off next Thursday. There’s Lot 3-F, right here: photographs of Sigourney Weaver sleeping. [ holds up the photos ] And, uh.. here’s one of Sigourney Weaver looking very frightened and angry.

Dennis: [ looking ] Oh, yes.. ouch!

Mike: Not to mention, Lot 5-F: a blackjack once used to knock Gene Hackman unconcious. [ holds up the blackjack ]

Bidder #2: Ah.. uh.. what movie was that in?

Mike: I’m, uh.. “The Robbery”. Uh.. now, we have Lot 4-B: a grab bag of Christian Slater’s possessions. [ holds up the grab bag ]

Bidder #3: What’s in the grab bag?

Dennis: Alrighty.. let’s just take a see here.. [ spills thr contents from the grab bag ] Ah, look at that – we’ve got soem nice pewter candlesticks here.. there’s a watch.. we got a clock radio over here.. and, look at this, there’s an autographed picture to Christian from William Shatner, that says, “Warp Speed Ahead – your good friend, William Shatner.” That’s something! There you go!

[ cut to Christina Slater sitting in the crowd, the studio audience going crazy with applause ]

Christian Slater: Uh.. excuse me. How exactly did you guys get that stuff?

Mike: [ suddenly nervous ] Uh, hey.. I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do.. I’m gonna set that aside just for you, sir.. okay? No charge.

Dennis: That’s over here.

Mike: Uh.. now we come to our final lot of the morning – Lot 5-B: Grace Kelly’s burial dress.

Dennis: [ holding up the stained white dress ] There you go. Now, this was the actual dress that she was buried in. It’s very rare. Very nice, very rare.

Christian Slater: [ elated ] Aw, man, I gotta have that! $40,000!

Bidder #1: $50,000! $50,000!

Christian Slater: $100,000!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts