Author: Don Roy King

Theatre Stories

Kenneth Reese-Evans…..Mike Myers
Sir Tristan Kenniworth…..John Malkovich
Dame Sarah Kensington…..Julia Sweeney
Charlton Heston…..Phil Hartman

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Ohh, yes.. hello, and welcome to.. Theatre Stories! I’m your host, Kenneth Reese-Evans – otherwise known in British theatre circles as.. “Cucumber Jones”. With me, uhagghhhh, this evening..! Is acclaimed British actor – winner of five British Academy Awards – please welcome Sir Tristan, erggghhh.. Kenniworth.

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Thank you, Cucumber, always a pleasure.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Uh, yesss.. Also with us is Theatre Story perennial and mental case, Dame Sara K.. eugggghhhh.. Dame Sara!

Dame Sarah Kensington: I heard my name! They’re calling me again!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. sadly. And, also, with us, a special guest.. uuuhhh.. American film actor and racutner, Charlton, uh.. Heston!

Charlton Heston: Hello, Cucumber! I’m thrilled to be here!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Sir Tristan, I’m, of ocurse, reminded of the time, uh.. you were in a production of Lear! At the Hay Market, and.. eaggghhhh.. during the storm sequence, you completely blanked on your lines.

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Yes. I didn’t know what to do, so, instead of the line “Fie fie, contempible storm!” I merely went: “Milk, milk, lemonade, the other side is where fudge is made!” And, do you know, ladies and gentlemen, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house?!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes! Yes, absolutely, I-I-I remember quite well, it was brilliant! It was.. it was a triumph! It was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen in the theatre! It was exciting to.. oh! [ his body has performed a 180 ] I seem to be rotating! Hold on.. I’ll catch you on the other side.. [ reaches a full 360 turn ] Yes! Wait a moment.. I will be locked into position, and.. there we are! Yes.. yes indeed. Very good. Ahhh.. Sharl-ten Hes-tine – I understand you haaaaaaaggggghhhve.. a very amusing story about the cinematic jaunt.. “the Planet of the Apes”.

Charlton Heston: That’s right, Cucumber.. On “Apes”, we didn’t have a caterer. All we had were ba-na-nas, ba-na-nas, ba-na-nas.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Well, I’m, uh.. I-I’m thrilled to the marrow, you ghastly American.

Charlton Heston: I’ll kick your ass, you limey pansy!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Uhh, what a clever retort.

Dame Sarah Kensington: Am I allowed to say something?!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Sadly.

Dame Sarah Kensington: I played Ophelia once, to Mr. Potato Head’s Lear! He could never keep his eyebrows on!

Kenneth Rees-Evans: Ohhhh, my God! How very, very terrible. I would imagine it’d be very, very frustrating.. to, uh, work with a performer and be knee-deep with his interchangeable facial features! [ his body jaunts itself forward ] I seem to be completely horizontal! I’m nape with the earth, I’m looking straight at the ground.. [ suddenly corrects his posture ] ..and! There! I’ve snapped out of it! lovely! Sir Tristie – Sir Tristie! Few people know – uggghhh! – that not ohhhhhnly! Have wetrod the booooooardss together.. but that, we’ve also starred in many a-dult films.

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Yes. Man-on-man films, mostly. I remember, uhhh.. I had a particularly demanding role in a production of “A Midsummer night’s Cream.”

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. yes, yes, yes.. I, of course, did “Cream” with a young Ralph Richardson. And.. I had to do a very long, ohhhhhhhhhhhh.. soliloquey! Whilst receiving what they call a “French gypsy” from said thespian. And do you know who that actor turned out to be? none other than Ralph Richardson. No word of it a lie – no wooooorrd! Of iiiiitt! A lie.

Dame Sarah Kensington: Mr. Potato Head’s member was twelve inches long, but he never used it as a rule!

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: I.. I have always found it’s a challenge to perform a scene in iambic pentameter, whilst peeing on someone!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yeeees, well.. difficult, yes; impossible, no!

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Oh, God no.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Noooooo!!

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: No.

Kenneth Rees-Evans: Noooooo!!

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: No. I specifically chose the word “challenge”.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. I remember once – ahhhhh – the National was mounting a production of “Barnyard Bunnies”, and I was in a menage-a-trois scene with a young Johnny Gilguld.. and, of course, Dame a-Judy a-Dench. and, as she was being “Dutch-doored”, she completely lost her place. Well, of ocurse, we had to improvise. And do you know who that young actress turned out to be? None other than a young Ralph Richardson.

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Really?

Kenneth Reese-Evans: No word of it a lieee!

Dame Sarah Kensington: I’m receiving a transmission from the Mother Ship!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: How terribly fascinating.

Charlton Heston: I’d like to re-lay this story, if I could right noooowww.. I was doing The March of Dimes celebrity tennis tournament, back in Santa Barbaraaaaaa.. And my partner was Bill Cosby, and right before the match, Bill told me he was a big fan of my work. And I said to him that I wish I could return the compliment, but I never liked his work. In “Leonard, Part 6”, he was constantly mugging up a storm! I felt like I was watching Stretch Armstrong. I’d say, “Billy! It’s film.. take it down a notch.” At firs,t he was mad; but, later on, we did a production of “Jurassic Pork“.. asnd we’ve become very tight!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Thank you, Charlton Hes-tine..

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Do I have time to relay an anecdote, from a production of “Two Genitals of Baronna”?

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Well.. I’m afraid that’s going to have to WAIT!! ‘m afraid that’s going to have to wait! Until another edition of.. eeeuuuuggghhhh! Theatre Stories! I’m your host – Cumcumber Jones. With me, of course, Dame Sara.. thank you, Tristie Kenniworth.. thank you, Charlton Hes-tine! And good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 30th, 1993

Christian Slater

Smashing Pumpkins

None

Smashing Pumpkins, “Cherub Rock”

Coffee Talk

Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.

Christian Slater’s Monologue

Slater goes trick-or-treating through the studio halls.

Mmmph?

(Repeat) See: 04/17/93.

Matt Foley

Matt Foley (Chris Farley) attempts to motivate Halloween pranksters.

Recurring Characters: Matt Foley.

Sassy’s Sassiest Boys

Russell Clarke (Phil Hartman) is blind to perils of loving to say “Sassy!”

Recurring Characters: Russell Clarke, Joey Lawrence.

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Queen Shenequa (Ellen Cleghorne) delivers commentary about Whoopi Goldberg.

Adam Sandler gives Halloween costume ideas involving the face.

Recurring Characters: Queen Shenequa.

Naming The Band

Teenagers with musical aspirations can’t settle on a name for their band.

Joke Headlines

Joke headline writer (Slater) thinks all his customers are idiots.

Recurring Characters: Canteen Boy.

Trent Markham, Lung Doctor

Dr. Markham (Phil Hartman) fails to see link betwen cigarettes and cancer.

Naming The Band

Richard…..Christian Slater
David…..David Spade
Adam…..Adam Sandler
Chris…..Chris Farley
Melanie…..Melanie Hutsell
Mother’s Voice…..Julia Sweeney

[ open on teenagers sitting around Richard’s room playing their guitars ]

Richard: Alright. First off, we need a name for our band, okay? Then we all learn how to play instruments.. then we get gigs.. and then every chick in the school digs us! Alright? So it’s starts with a name. I got two. Zaxxon, or Matrix. I like ’em both – which one?

David: Ugh..

Adam: Neither. How about Ray Gun?

Richard: Yeah. Right. Loverboy sounded good once, too.

David: I liked Loverboy. [ a beat ] Okay, uh.. how about.. Open Casket.

Richard: I don’t know.. it’s a little dark..

Mother’s Voice: Richard! What are you boys doing up there!

Richard: We’re talking, so shut up!!

Mother’s Voice: Don’t you use those words on me! Don’t you tell me to shut up!!

Richard: I swear to God, Ma, you gotta get off my back! [ excited ] Hey! That’s what we can call the band!

David: It’s too long. Okay, how about, um.. The Fairies.

Adam: We’re not gay!

David: I know! That’s the genius! ‘Cause it’s so opposite of what we are!

Richard: [ shaking his head ] No one would get that.

Chris: How about.. Pearl Jam?

Richard: Just shut up, idiot! There already is a Pearl Jam!

Chris: Err.. I mean.. Pearl Jam II.

Richard: [ aggravated ] Bands don’t have sequels! Alright, look – here’s how to do it, okay? Let’s figure out what we’re gonna sing about, and then we’ll think of a name.

David: Alright..

Adam: Okay.. Love, you know. We’ll write about being in love.

Richard: No, man! That’s been covered, that’s old news! Let’s talk about truth!

[ the gang is ecstatic about the idea ]

Richard: Right! And, no matter how big we get, we don’t date models!

David: Yeah.. yeah.. But.. but, can they be pretty girls?

Richard: Yeah. But not models.

Adam: Okay. How.. how pretty can they be?

Richard: [ getting annoyed ] As long as they never got paid for being pretty, okay? [ thinking ] You know, wait a second.. supermodels are okay, alright? But no lowball part-time model chicks! Okay? Now, what’s the truth we’re gonna sing about?

Chris: [ struggling to explain his idea ] How about.. this one time.. I stayed at.. my friend’s house. And, uh.. uh, I got crabs from his ouch, and.. so, I went into the bathroom to kill ’em.. and I set off a bug bomb. And.. and.. I sat in there for about two hours.. and.. I almost died!

Richard: [ nearly left speechless ] Okay, maybe love is good..

Mother’s Voice: Richard! It’s time to see your friends home, you’ve got school tomorrow!

Richard: Would you shut up?! I mean, can’t you just hut up for once in your stinkin’ life?! Just shut up!

Mother’s Voice: I’m gonna get your father to tan your hide when he gets here!

Richard: Good! I’ll sue him!

Mother’s Voice: You couldn’t afford it!

Richard: Yeah, well, I’ll take out a school loan!

Mother’s Voice: Richard, I’m serious! It’s late! Send your friends home!

Adam: Shut.. up!!

Richard: Hey, man.. don’t tell my mom to shut up.

Melanie: [ stands, grinning ] Hey, guys.. let’s go out and buy some pot.

Richard: You have money?

Melanie: No.

Richard: I guess we’re not gonna go get pot, then.

Melanie: Oh.. sorry. [ sits ]

David: Hey, you guys, we’ve gotta write songs about drugs! Alright? Like, remember “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds”? Lucy.. Sky.. Diamonds – L.S.D., right? See? Every song from the 70’s is about drugs. Give me any song.

Adam: “Hey Jude”.

David: “Hey Jude”? “Hey Heroin”! “Don’t make it bad”? “Don’t make a bad batch – of heroin.” See? Once you know what they’re doing, it’s easy! It’s like The Who, when they sang “Don’t Get Food Again”? “Food” is heroin!

Adam: [ laughing ] I think it’s “Don’t Get Fooled Again”!

David: No, it’s not! I saw him say it in an interview – he quoted it! And, like, on “Ticket To Ride” – Ride is the heroin trip, and Ticket is your dealer. Wait.. I think the ticket is just a ticket on that one..

Melanie: [ stands, grinning ] Hey, guys.. let’s get some pot!

Richard: [ confused ] Did you just make some money in the last five minutes?

Melanie: No.

Richard: Then, shut up! Plus, you know, I don’t really know if this band smokes pot, alright? It might not be their image! Alright, let’s vote. Who thinks this band should smoke pot?

[ everyone raises their hands ]

Alright. Well, when we’re making the bucks, it’ll be easy to get it.

Chris: [ awkwardly ] Mooney..? Man.. the best way to get some cash flow going.. is to invent something.. We need, like, a killer idea that.. like, the guy who, that, invented the Pet Rock? He’s got it made! ‘Cause.. in.. he.. does nothing.. ever! All he does.. is just kick back in his pad all day, and get baked! Cashing elephant.. checks.. and.. then.. errr.. what.. what was I saying? [ drifts off ]

Richard: Nothing.. nothing. [ the phone rings ] Don’t answer it!

Adam: [ singing and strumming guitar ]
“The phone is ringing
I ain’t gonna answer it.
No, no, can’t pick it up
‘Cuase of what it represents..”

David: Yeah.. yeah! Dude, the phone is heroin.. and answering it is giving in to your habit!

Adam: [ still singing ]
“It’s my baby
She says “Bye bye” —

This song sucks, answer the phone.

Richard: [ answers the phone ] Good, I’m glad! [ slams the receiver ]

Mother’s Voice: Don’t you hang up on me!!

Richard: Would you shut up?!! Guys, look.. you gotta take off, she’s really upset.

David: Alright, alright..

Adam: What time we gonna meet tomorrow?

Richard: Uh.. five o’clock. Alright. And, uh, be thinking of album cover ideas, okay?

David: Alright, great. See you then. [ indicating Chris ] Wake him up..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Christian Slater

Christian Slater: Well, good night, ladies and gentlemen! I want to thank the Smashing Pumpikins. Peace.. love.. joy. Have a happy Halloween!

[ Billy Corrigan grants Slater a handful of candy ]

SNL Transcripts

Charles Barkley’s Monologue

…..Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley: Thank you! Alright! Hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, I actually was not their first choice. They did want somebody from the NBA, but being Yom Kippur and all, I was the only one they could get. I’m one of the few non-Jewish players in the league. It’s been a fun week, working with the cast, watching Nirvana rehearse – even got to play a little basketball. You see, a while back I played basketball with Godzilla. Everyone here, and myself, thought it would be fun to have a rematch – you know, rent a gym, play a little one-on-one, but give the profits to charity.

[ dissolve to the basketball court, Charles bouncing the basketball ]

Charles Barkley V/O: We ran into a problem – at the last minute, Godzilla cancelled. We were incredibly lucky to find a worthy replacement – Barney.

[ Barney dances on the court ]

Charles Barkley: Hey, Barney, thanks for doing this on such short notice.

Barney: That’s okay, Charles. That’s what caring and sharing are all about!

Charles Barkley V/O: It really didn’t matter to me who won – I just wanted to have a good time..

[ Charles makes a series of slam dunks around Barney ]

Charles Barkley: [ close-up, in Barney’s face ] Hey, Barney! What’s going on? What we doin’, babe? What’s going on? [ jumps for slam funk, knocking Barney to the floor ]

[ a series of rough basketball moves that leads to Barney’s costume falling apart ]

Charles Barkley: [ close-up, in Barney’s face ] What’s wrong, bro? Had enough? [ smacks basketball on Barney’s head, knocking one of his fake eyes out ]

Charles Barkley V/O: We sure had a lot of laughs that day. We played a good game, but, most importantly, I made a new friend.

[ Charles and a beat-up Barney exit the court ]

[ dissolve back to Charles at Home Base ]

Charles Barkley: We’ve got a great show, Nirvana’s here, so stick with us, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

NCI Long Distance

Consumer #1…..Kevin Nealon
NCI Spokesman…..David Spade
Consumer #2…..Melanie Hutsell
Consumer #3…..Rob Schneider
Consumer #4…..Ellen Cleghorne
Consumer #5…..Phil Hartman

Consumer #1: My Long Distance company gives me a discount when I call my favorite area code. What about my favorite zip code?

[ show logo: “NCI: The new long distance company” ]

NCI Spokesman: NCI will discount your favorite area code, zip code, or any other type of code. We’re the leading discounter of codes.

[ Flash: “Code Discounts” ]

Consumer #2: Sometimes, when I call people, they’re not there to answer the phone. That bothers me.

NCI Spokesman: With NCI, the person you’re calling will always be there to answer the phone. No matter when you call – we guarantee it.

[ Flash: “The NCI Guarantee” ]

Consumer #3: People don’t call me as often as I like.

NCI Spokesman: With NCI, you’ll get calls all the time – from people who like you and respect you.

[ Flash: “Respect” ]

Consumer #3: What about pretty girls?

NCI Spokesman: Yes!

[ Flash: “Pretty Girls” ]

Consumer #4: How come 123456789 isn’t a number? Why can’t it be my number?

NCI Spokesman: Consider it done!

[ Flash: “Extra Long Phone Numbers” ]

Consumer #2: Can that be my number, too?

NCI Spokesman: Sure!

[ Flash: “Whatever” ]

Little Girl: I want a pony!

NCI Spokesman: Take a look in your backyard.

[ Flash: “Ponies” ]

Consumer #5: I hate my boss. I want him dead!

NCI Spokesman: That we will not do.

[ Flash: “No Murder” ]

Consumer #5: I want a phone company that will murder my boss.

NCI Spokesman: Fine. If you switch to NCI now – the next time you make a long-distance call, we will murder your boss. And you’ll recive one hour of free calls to anywhere in the continental United States.

[ Flash: “Fine, Murder” ]

[ show logo: “NCI: The new long distance company” ]

NCI Spokesman: NCI. We want to be your phone company.

SNL Transcripts

Office Space

[ open on Milton sitting at his desk in the storeroom, fuming ]

Milton: I.. I told Bill if they move my desk one more time, I’m quitting. I used to be over by the window, and they moved me three times already this year. If they do it one more time, I’m out of here. I used to have my own stapler, too, and then, when I moved back, they made me give back my stapler. And.. but Bill told me I’m supposed to have a stapler, so.. until I’m told different, I’m just gonna take the stapler. And, if they make me give it back, I’ll.. I’ll just.. I’ll set the building on fire. [ picks nose ]

[ Bill appears at the doorway, gripping his coffee cup tightly ]

Bill: Oh, hello, Milton, what’s happening? Um.. I’m gonna need you to go ahead and move your desk again. So, uh..

Milton: Well..

Bill: If you could go ahead and just get it as far back into that corner as possible, that’d be terrific..

Milton: But..

Bill: That way, we’ll have some more room for some of these boxes and things we need to put in here.

Milton: Well.. okay..

Bill: And, uh.. oh. Here’s that stapler I’ve been looking for. Here..

Milton: Um.. but..

Bill: I’ll just go ahead and get that from you. Thanks. [ takes Milton’s stapler ]

Milton: Well..

Bill: Okay, so, uh.. if you could go ahead and just get to that as soon as possbile, that’d be terrific.

Milton: Well..

Bill: Alright, thanks a bunch, Milton.

Milton: Okay..

Bill: Buh-bye. [ exits ]

Milton: Well.. but.. well, okay.. but I’m gonna set the building on fire.

[ SUPER: “TO BE CONTINUED” ]

SNL Transcripts

You Put Your Weed In It

Shopkeeper…..Rob Schneider
Customer #1…..David Spade
Customer #2…..Ellen Cleghorne
Customer #3…..Chris Farley
Cop…..Charles Barkley

[ open on interior, Out of Africa primitive art store ]

Shopkeeper: Hey, may I help you?

Customer #1: Yeah. This is kind of neat, what is it?

Shopkeeper: Oh, that’s from New Guinea. It’s a ceremonial spirit box.

Customer #1: Wow, that’s cool. What do you do with it?

Shopkeeper: You put your weed in there!

Customer #1: Oh. Thank you.

Customer #2: This is neat, is this from South America?

Shopkeeper: You bet. That’s a Yanamano ancestral rattle from Brazil. It’s carved from deer bone, they only make one every seven years, it’s really rare.

Customer #2: What do they use it for?

Shopkeeper: You put your weed in here!

Customer #2: O-kay..

Shopkeeper: No problem.

Customer #3: Where’s this from?

Shopkeeper: Oh, it’s from Borneo. It’s for a Zuluesque puberty ritual. It symbolizes the journey into adulthood.

Customer #3: Really?

Shopkeeper: Yeah. And you can put your weed in here!

Customer #3: So, this has actually been used in puberty rituals?

Shopkeeper: Yeah. And you put your weed in there!

Customer #3: Thanks.

Shopkeeper: No problem.

Customer #1: [ holding artifact ] Hey, uh, excuse me..

Shopkeeper: Oh, this is great! You put your weed in here! Awesome.

Customer #1: Actually, I’m looking for a gift for my mother. Is there anything in here that doesn’t involve weed?

Shopkeeper: [ thinks ] Well.. you can give her this. [ pulls out drum ] It’s a Senegalese talking drum. Only the Head Shayman of Senegal is allowed to use it.

Customer #1: Wow.. that’d be great, she might like something like that.

Shopkeeper: You know what I’d do if I bought it? I’d put my weed in there! Right in there. [ puts it down ] Oh, wait.. I’ve got something else.

Customer #1: Ah.

Shopkeeper: This is a Javanese rain stick. Yeah, it’s for a fertility dance. You can put it in your apartment and hang a plant from it.

Customer #1: That’d be cool, she has a lot of plants. That might be good.

Shopkeeper: You sure she doesn’t like weed?

Customer #1: Yeah, I’m pretty sure.

Shopkeeper: It’s too bad, because it goes right in here. This part unscrews, it’s really great!

[ Cop enters the shop ]

Cop: Hey. Is that your Volkswagon van parked out front?

Shopkeeper: Look, man, there’s nothing in here that you could put weed into!

Cop: I just wanted to tell you that you left your lights on. I turned them off for you.

Shopkeeper: Okay, maybe there’s some things in here that you put tobacco into, or incense or spices into, but definitely not weed!

Cop: What the hell are you talking about?

Shopkeeper: Okay. I guess, if this opened up, you could put weed in it, but I can’t get it open. [ Cop opens it ] It’s not like there’s weed in there!

Cop: [ holds up the weed ] What is this?

Shopkeeper: Weed.

Cop: You’re under arrest!

Shopkeeper: Alright, but don’t bother checking the store! Because there’s no weed in that, and there’s no weed in that, and there’s no weed in that!

Cop: Well, you can talk about it down at the station.

Shopkeeper: Don’t bother checking the back of the store – no wee-ee-eed!

[ Cop pulls Shopkeeper outside ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 2nd, 1993

Shannen Doherty

Cypress Hill

None

Operaman Plays the Scratch Lottery

Operaman (Adam Sandler) loses by a single digit.

Recurring Characters: Operaman.

Shannen Doherty’s Monologue

Doherty’s wedding video displays her thirst for violence.

Crystal Gravy

Now you can see your meat!

The Real World

Hatred among stereotypes includes poor white trash from Tulsa (Doherty).

The Denise Show

Brian (Adam Sandler) won’t remove ex-girlfriend Denise (Doherty) from head.

Recurring Characters: Brian, Brian’s Dad.

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Rob Schneider’s wacky sports bloopers are just bad plays.

Ike Turner (Tim Meadows) throws a cake at Kevin Nealon.

Recurring Characters: Ike Turner.

Is It Date Rape?

Antioch students answer quiz show scenarios.

The Relapse Guy

Relapse Guy (Chris Farley) continually falls off the wagon.

Noah & Frans

Hairdressers (Tim Meadows, Phil Hartman) mind Doherty.

Salem Bitch Trials

Bitch in Salem (Doherty) is accused and convicted.

A Message From Michael Eisner

Eisner (Phil Hartman) reminds tourists that North Florida is safer than South Florida.

Salem Bitch Trial

Deputy Governor Danforth…..Phil Hartman
Court Clerk…..Rob Schneider
Samuel Wale…..Chris Farley
Abigail Wolcott…..Shannen Doherty
Goodwife Merkan…..Mike Myers
Mary Putnam…..Julia Sweeney
Nathaniel Wilson…..Kevin Nealon
Sarah Williams…..Melanie Hutsell
Blacksmith…..David Spade
Participant…..Adam Sandler

At the Salem Bitch Trials of 1692, Abigail Wolcott is accused of practicing the infernal art of Bitchcraft. The crowd at Salem cry out for her to burned at the stake for her accusations. Deputy Governor Danforth calls for silence and commences the last-recorded Bitchcraft Trial ever allowed under English law:

Deputy Governor Danforth: Who offers evidence against this lady?

Court Clerk: Samuel Wale. Stand fore! [ Samuel stands fore ]

Danforth: What say you?

Samuel Wale: Your Honor, I asked Abigail Wolcott to go to the Harvest Dance with me, Sir. Six times I asked her, and each time she rejected me. Then, I’m told she can only go out with guys from Boston who are wealthy. [ The crowd mumbles ]

Danforth: Abigail? Is this so?

Abigail: ‘Tis true. I did reject Samuel, your Honor, but not because of his station in life, nor was it because of his body lice, or his festering boils, or his warts. Rather, it is because I happen to find men from Boston more mature than Salem boys. And, due to the fact that Samuel has syphylis.

Goodwife Merkan: Oh, she’s a bitch! Burn her! [ the crowd screams for Abigail’s blood ]

Danforth: [ pounding gavel ] Order!! Who else speaketh against this woman?

Court Clerk: Mary Putnam. Stand fore! [ Mary stands fore ]

Mary Putnam: Your Honor, Abigail Wolcott.. belittled my frock.

Danforth: [ stern ] In what way, Mary?

Mary: She said my apron maketh my hips looks big. [ the crowd is stunned ]

Danforth: Abigail. What say you?

Abigail: Is it not true? Look! Mary’s hips are wider than the meeting house doors. Not to mention, she also has syphylis.

Goodwife Merkan: Oh, she is a stuck-up bitch!

Crowd: [ screaming ] Burn her!!

Danforth: [ pounding gavel ] Silence! Goodwife Merkan, I beg you, forgive me, but I must ask ye to be not so strong a voice. This woman has yet to be convicted!

Goodwife Merkan: Ohh.. but I know her ways. I have seen them with mine own eyes!

Danforth: Then, speak, Good Lady.

Goodwife Merkan: One fortnight past, I saw Abigail flying on her broom!

Danforth: And?

Goodwife Merkan: And.. uh.. I caught her in the forest summoning the Devil!

Danforth: Annnd?

Goodwife Merkan: And? And, uh.. the other day, I met her on the road with the Devil, and she didn’t even introduce me.

Samuel: The bitch did the same thing to me!!

Crowd: [ screaming ] Burn her!! Burn her!!

Danforth: [ pounding gavel ] Enough!! Nathaniel Wilson, before we decide, read aloud all additional evidence.

Nathaniel: [ standing in back of court reading from scroll ] “In addition, Abigail Wolcott has accused Sarah Williams of having parents of poor stock.”

Sarah Williams: She did! Just because we come from Holland!

Nathaniel: “And, for her sixteenth birthday, Abigail’s parents gave her her own horsecart, and she won’t let anyone else ride in it.”

Blacksmith: ‘Tis true, your Honor. I am the Blacksmith, and trust me when I say she values the horsecart not. She crashed it three times this month.
Abigail: He exaggerates, your Honor! He just wants to go out with me!

Participant: Oh, I guess everybody loves ye! Go out with ye! Ye is great! Look at ye, whoopee-dee!

Danforth: [ pounding gavel ] Silence. Abigail Wolcott [ she sighs ], have you anything else to say in your defense?

Abigail: Yes, your Honor. I deny partaking any acts of bitchery. ‘Tis an outrage lie. I merely speak the truth. Why is it when a man speaketh his mind, he’s admired and made judge. But when a woman displays forthrightness, she’s accused of being a bitch. I pray you, Sir: release me, and end this mindless persecution of women.

Danforth: [ thinking, sighs ] I have heard your speech, Abigail. Your eloquent plea doth not fall upon deaf ears. [ stern at first, then angry ] However, your words would sway greatly more had they not been delivered in such a bitchy manner! You shall be burned!!

Goodwife Markham: I told you!

Crowd: [ screaming ] Burn her!! Burn her!! Burn her!!

Announcer: Abigail Wolcott was one of nineteen women burned at the stake. Of those who perished, twelve were later found to be innocent of bitchery.

SNL Transcripts