Author: Don Roy King

Chris Rock’s White Person’s Guide To Surviving The Apollo

…..Chris Rock
Douglas Randall…..Rob Morrow
Outraged Audience Member…..Ellen Cleghorne
Pamela Swinson…..Siobhan Fallon

[ open on the Apollo Theater stage ]

Announcer: Please welcome Chris Rock!

Chris Rock: [ enters onstage ] What’s up! Yeah, so what’s up!

[ dissolve to Chris Rock delivering his commercial pitch ]

Chris Rock: Hi. I’m Chris Rock, and that was me at the world-famous Apollo Theater. Now, it’s a known fact that the crowd at the Apollo is one of the toughest in the world, and people often come up to me and say, “Chris, I’m white. How can I survive the Apollo?” That’s why Icreated these videotapes entitled, “Chris Rock’s White Person’s Guide To Surviving The Apollo”. Let me show you one white person who benefited from my experience.

[ cut to tape from the Apollo, white guy Douglas Randall taking the stage ]

Douglas Randall: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, how are you this evening? The other day I wa cleaning my pool, and you know how..

[ crowd starts booing ]

Outraged Audience Member: Oh, boy, I don’t care for! Get outta here! Hey, where’s Sinbad?!

[ Douglas is quickly pelted with lettuce and old shoes as he runs off stage ]

[ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Douglas ]

Chris Rock: Now, this is Douglas Randall. Now, Doug, it’s like the audience was a little rough that night.

Douglas Randall: Yeah, Chris, they were.. and I started to give up comedy, and then somebody told me about your tape.

Chris Rock: And did you return to the Apollo?

Douglas Randall: I sure did!

Chris Rock: Let’s see the crowd reaction.

[ cut to tape from the Apollo, with Douglas performing his act in the style of a black comedian ]

Douglas Randall: And then I said to Hammer, “You’d better not touvh this!” [ points to crotch ]

Outraged Audience Member: [ now elated ] Damn, that boy is funny!

Douglas Randall: Big butt? White guy got a little butt!

Outraged Audience Member: [ can’t stop laughing ]

[ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Douglas ]

Chris Rock: Well, Doug, I see you studied Leson 4: Big Butt Jokes. Did you have any other favorites?

Douglas Randall: Well, yeah, Chris. I did end with a James Brown toilet impression, like you suggested in Lesson 6.

Chris Rock: That’s right! you cna never go wrong with an impression of James Brown on the toilet! Well, thanks a lot, Doug. Why don’t you take care of that leg? [ Doug exits ] With my tapes, any white person can learn hoe to survive the Apollo – no matter what kind of act you have. Order now, and receive a list of “Head So Big” jokes, “Feet So Stink” jokes, and “If That Was A Brother I Think It Would Have Went Like This” jokes, and many more. Now, some of you are saying, “Chris, I’m not a coomedian. I’m white and I sing. How can I survive the Apollo?

[ show tape of Pamela Swinson singing “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?” at the Apollo, and receiving negative reaction ]

[ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Pamela ]

Chris Rock: This is Pam Swinson. Tough crowd, huh, Pam?

Pamela Swinson: They sure were, Chris. What do you think I can do?

Chris Rock: Well, I don’t think “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?” is right for the Apollo. Why don’t you try singing “And I Am Telling You” by Jennifer Holliday?

Pamela Swinson: Do you think that will work, Mr. Rock?

Chris Rock: It always works.

[ show tape of Pamela Swinson singing “And I Am Telling You” at the Apollo, and receiving positive reaction as she kicks off her shoes and gets the crowd moving ]

[ dissolve back to Chris Rock holding up his tapes ]

Chris Rock: You know, there are so many white people who have benefited from my tapes. Why don’t you, too, join the ranks, and maybe you, too, can survive the Apollo?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Rob Morrow

Rob Morrow: I’d like to thank Nirvana.. and, uh.. this incredibly gracious group of people! Thank you, thanks for tuning in, good night!

SNL Transcripts

]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 10

91j: Rob Morrow / Nirvana

Insulting Comments

…..Rob Morrow
…..Mike Myers
…..David Spade
…..Adam Sandler
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Siobhan Fallon
…..Beth Cahill
…..Melanie Hutsell

Rob Morrow: Ah moron, how are ya?

Mike Myers: Hey idiot, fancy meeting you here.

Rob Morrow: Well I would have never come if I knew apple breath was gonna be here.

Mike Myers: [laughs] Well you’re gonna have to live with it, won’t you, oh smelly one.

Rob Morrow: Oh, what have you been doin lately? Eatin the puss out of your zits?

Mike Myers: Well no stinky, I just finished a book about you.

Rob Morrow: Is that right count fag-ula?

Mike Myers: Yes it’s called the life and time of a man with no penis, it’s pretty good.

Rob Morrow: Well I’m glad you found time to read for a change instead of sniffing your finger all day like you always do. [Sandler and Spade walk in.] Hey if it isn’t Mr. Douche and Mr. Bag, the Finnigan twins, how are ya?

David Spade: Pretty good booger belly, considering the fact that I just got finished shaving your moms back.

Mike Myers: And how about you Johnny Dingleberry, still having those fantasies about sniffing Ed Asner’s feet?

Adam Sandler: Woah easy there ‘sergeant skid marks’. Actually I’ve been too busy pickin out my little hairs out of your sisters teeth.

Rob Morrow: Hey pigstains, where the hell’s our slices?

Kevin Nealon: Coming right up you oozing wad of stink. Ok I got pepperoni for Sir Scrotum [hands slide to Morrow], and I got onion for the Hemorrhoid King [hands slice to Myers], and I got anchovies for Micro Wang [hands slice to Sandler], and a little extra cheese for Mr. Herpes Simplex [hands slide to Spade], enjoy!

Rob Morrow: Well well well, if it isn’t skank fest ’92. [Beth Cahill, Melanie Hutsell and Siobhan Fallon enter.] What brings you skank bags here?

Siobhan Fallon: We wanted to see what it was like to watch 4 giant gerbil stuffing mutants eat pizza, and you know what? We came to the right place.

Melanie Hutsell: So what are you chunks of steaming corn infested dung up to?

Adam Sandler: Ah, just tryin to keep ourselves disease free you baloated yeast ridden hose bag.

Beth Cahill: Throwin a party across town, you chicken choking losers wanna come?

Rob Morrow: With you scab pickin tuna queens? Sure. [all leave table]

Kevin Nealon: Hope you all get killed tonight you sons of bitches.

Phil Hartman: [sitting at his table, lifting menu from in front of his face] Sticks and stones may break their bones, but apparently names will never hurt.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

Late Comments

Dave…..Rob Morrow
Bill…..Mike Myers
Beth…..Beth Cahill
Waitress…..Siobhan Fallon

[ open on three friends sitting at a table in a restaurant ]

Beth: So, I heard Jerry Brown say that nowadays we only have one party – the Incumbent Party! [ Bill laughs ] And I can see where he’s coming from.

Bill: You know.. I don’t know.. some of those Democrats make me appreciate Quayle!

Dave: That’s right.

Bill: Hey, this is a good place. Have you been here before?

Beth: No, I have not. But I like it already.

Bill: I know, these chairs alone! [ chuckles ] Anyways, you know what’s interesting…

Dave: It’s outerspace. [ Bill and Beth are confused by the outburst ] Jerry Brown. I’m sorry.. you know, where Jerry Brown is coming from, probably.. I..

Beth: [ realizing Dave’s answering an earlier comment ] Oh.. right..

Bill: Oh.. yeah, yeah.. okay.. So, you know what’s good here, is the Yankee Pot Roast.

Beth: Oh?

Dave: Yeah, that is pretty good here.

Beth: That sounds enticing.

Bill: Yeah, you’ll think you’re in Boston, but without the crazy cabdrivers!

Beth: [ laughs ] I’ve heard about those crazy cabdrivers!

Bill: Yeah..

Dave: [ starts to say something, but doesn’t ] I’m sorry.. go ahead..

Bill: Oh. Okay. Uh.. well, they’ll anything you tell them, right? If you’re in a hurry, it’s like the Indy 500! [ Beth laughs ] I mean, I don’t know what kind of training films they show these guys! [ Beth laughs ] And you know what else is great about Boston?

Beth: What?

Bill: The Clam Chowder.

Beth: Oh, I love Clam Chowder!

Dave: [ now responding to an earlier comment ] They probably show them “The French Connection”! [ laughs ]

Bill: [ confused ] Yeah.. yeah.. right..

Beth: Uh-huh..

Dave: The cabbies in Boston.. the training films they.. chase scenes..

Bill: Right.. Anyway, the clam chowder in Boston is truly great.

Beth: Yeah!

Bill: Hey, you know what else is great? Going to a Red Sox game.

Beth: Oh, sure!

Bill: Yeah. I was there in 1986 when they lost the World Series.

Beth: Oh, wow..

Dave: To the Mets?

Bill: Yeah.. to the Mets. So, anyways, I’ll tell you what happened. I paid $100 to a guy, right? And it turned out it was a forged ticket.

Beth: [ stunned ] No way!

Dave: Clam Chowdah!

Bill: Uh..?

Dave: You know. I mean, just the way they’re always with the Clam Chowdah! New Englandahs!

Beth: Yeah…

Bill: That’s very true.. that’s very true..

Waitress: [ approaches ] Did you folks need menus?

Beth: Uh, no. I’ll just have the Yankee Pot Roast.

Waitress: Sir?

Bill: Uh.. does the French dip come with French fries?

Waitress: Pretty much everything comes with French fries.

Bill: Good. That’s the only way I can eat French dip! [ he and Beth laugh ]

Waitress: [ to Dave ] Sir?

Dave: Oh, uh.. just a burger..

Waitress: Yeah. [ walks away ]

Bill: So, who’s out there? Who you gonna vote for?

Beth: I know, it’s scary.. There’s that Clinton guy, he seems okay. Is he from Florida?

Bill: No.

Dave: He’s from Arkansas.

Beth: Who’s the one from Florida?

Bill: Pee Wee Herman! [ they laugh ]

Dave: [ near hysterical ] Could we get the waiter, please! Miss!

Waitress: [ returns ] Yeah?

Dave: Um.. what about coffee and French fries?

Waitress: What?

Dave: [ laughs ] Well, you said practically everything comes with fries..

Waitress: Yeah. Well.. actually, not practically everything comes with fries.

Dave: Yeah, I know, I..

Waitress: Yeah. [ walks away ]

Dave: [ tense ] So, uh.. huh.. those candidates are really something..

Beth: Yeah, they are. That Pat Buchanan guy..

Bill: Yeah. Pat Buchanan’s got some interesting ideas. About as interesting as David Duke’s!

Dave: Now that Steinbrenner’s coming back, I don’t know how it’s gonna taste! [ laughs out loud ]

Beth: [ confused ] Who was that, Dave?

Bill: What are you talking about, Dave?

Dave: The.. Yankee Pot Roast.. I don’t know if it’s.. gonna taste good..

Beth: Steinbrenner..

Bill: Right. Well, that’s a possibility, Dave.

Dave: Well, what does that mena?

Bill: Well, Dave, that was about five subjects ago.

Dave: Well, I’m sorry. I’m just not a subject counter.

Bill: [ to Beth ] Yeah, well, Dave’s a ltitle behind. He’s just now recently getting into rap! Hey, did you hear Prince’s new album?

Beth: Prince?! That guy’s still around?

Bill: Well, yeah, yeah. The new album’s pretty good, the old man’s got some life in ihim.

Beth: Well, I’m more a U2 gal.

Bill: Well, they’re always doing something.

Dave: Bill’s a little behind himself, when he’s not being an ass!

Beth: What, Dave..?

Dave: It’s just that thing you said about me being a little.. behind.. uh.. I’ve just gotta stand up for a minute..

Bill: Okay. Whatever. [ contunies talking to Beth ]

[ Dave exits to the bathroom, where he stares at himself reflectively in the mirror, wondering why he can’t just get it together. He looks at the condom machine hanging on the wall, and turns away. He then notices a bathroom stall marked “Time Machine”, and quickly enters, dispensing a few condoms before he goes. ]

[ the action returns to the table moments earlier, with Dave now in full swing with the conversation ]

Bill: So, these cabbies, if you’re in a hurry, it’s like the Indy 500! I don’t know what kind of training films they show these guys..

Dave: They probably show them “The French Connection”! [ everyone laughs ]

Bill: Right! Hey, you know what else is great in Boston? The clam chowder.

Dave: Clam Chowdah! [ everyone laughs ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Salon

Spokesman…..David Spade
Woman…..Victoria Jackson

[ open in the Salon salon ]

Spokesman: Would you like your hair to have Sa-lon! finish, Sa-lon! shine, and Sa-lon! hold? Well, now you can! All your wildest Sa-lon! fantasies will come true – with new Sa-lon! Shampoo! [ holds up product ]

Follow these two simple steps: First, wash your hair; then say the word “Sa-lon!” like I do, with the accent on the first syllable. Keep saying the word “Sa-lon!” and feel your hair getting richer, fuller, fresher, thicker..

[ approaches Woman in the salon ]Say it! Say it!

Woman: Salon?

Spokesman: Sa-lon! Louder! Want it! Mean it!

Woman: Sa-lon! Sa-lon!

Spokesman: Yes! Feel it, you msut believe in the power of Sa-lon!

Woman: Yes! I feel it!

Spokesman: Here’s how Sa-lon works!

[ over animated demonstration ]

As you say “Sa-lon!”, impulses travel from your voicebox to your nerve endings, and into the hair follicle itself. The follicle is stimulated only when the accent is on the first syllable. Saying it incorrectly may seriously damage your hair.

[ in the middle of the crowd at the salon ]

Everyone!

Crowd Sa-lon!!

Spokesman: New Sa-lon! And remember: if you don’t look good, don’t blame us. That’s just your hair.

SNL Transcripts

Oliver Stone

Oliver Stone…..Phil Hartman
Elliot Rifkin…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on interior, Offices of Oliver Stone, Los Angeles ]

Voice on Intercom: Mr. Stone? Elliot Rifkin, from Warner Brothers, is here to see you?

Oliver Stone: Thanks, Terry. Send him in. [ rises from his desk and cautiously closes the blinds ]

Elliot Rifkin: [ enters ] Oliver. [ shakes hands ]

Oliver Stone: Thanks for coming.

Elliot Rifkin: You sounded pretty worked up on the phone. What’s up?

Oliver Stone: [ checks to make sure no one’s in the hall, then turns on the TV ] The room may be bugged. Have a seat. [ Elliot sits ] Elliot.. have you been following the news lately?

Elliot Rifkin: Yeah.

Oliver Stone: You heard about what happened to the President in Japan?

Elliot Rifkin: Yeah, that was awful! Poor guy.. so embarrassing.

Oliver Stone: Embarrassing? It was a national tragedy.

Elliot Rifkin: Well?

Oliver Stone: I want to show you something. [ plays a tape of President Bush falling underneath the table ]

Elliot Rifkin: Right. I saw this on the news. It was pretty bad.

Oliver Stone: That, of course, is the official version, the version they wanted us to see! Now.. take a look at this, the unedited footage.

[ footage shows Bush seated normally at the table, then his face starts to shake and he begins to spew vomit ]

Elliot Rifkin: [ turning his head ] I can’t watch this,sir..

Oliver Stone: You know, Elliot.. why do you think the American people weren’t allowed to see this?

Elliot Rifkin: Well.. do you think they’d really want to see it? It is disgusting.

Oliver Stone: You buy that?

Elliot Rifkin: Yeah.

Oliver Stone: Elliot, three days ago, my office asked for permission to examine that tablecloth. You know what they were told? The tablecloth had been sent to the cleaners.

Elliot Rifkin: Yeah?

Oliver Stone: Doesn’t that strike you as more than a little odd?

Elliot Rifkin: Well, it was covered with puke.

Oliver Stone: Exactly! It seems to me, if the President vomits on a tablecloth, I’m gonna hang on to that tablecloth, I’m not gonna send it to the cleaners.

Elliot Rifkin: Uh, Oliver.. whart exactly..

Oliver Stone: Elliot, the point is this – the vomit is gone. The vomit is gone! No record of what he ate, or how much he ate, or how much he vomited.. All we have is this tape. Now, watch.. [ plays tape in forward and reverse, repeatedly ] Up.. back.. up.. back.. up.. and back..

Elliot Rifkin: Can I have a glass of water..?

Oliver Stone: Just a minute. Now, based on the stills of frame 235, we’ve prepared this.. [ unwraps an oversized replica of plastic vomit ] Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Elliot Rifkin: I don’t know..

Oliver Stone: An awful lot of vomit for one person, don’t you think?

Elliot Rifkin: Look, Oliver, I have another meeting.. how can I help you?

Oliver Stone: I just want you to ask yourself three questions: Who was there? Who stood to gain by making the President throw up? And who had the means to pull it off?

Elliot Rifkin: Um.. Japanese?

Oliver Stone: In their own banquet hall? No. Think. Who.. stood.. to gain?

Elliot Rifkin: [ playing along ] Lee Iacocca?

Oliver Stone: Bingo! The man wins a cigar.

Elliot Rifkin: Oliver, look.. the last three years, you have really been going non-stop. I mean.. “Talk Radio”, “The Doors”, “JFK”.. Maybe this is your time to just kick back and relax a little.. God knows you earned it!

Oliver Stone: You don’t get it, do you? You just don’t get it! [ phone rings ] Yes? Oh.. my.. God.. [ hangs up ] They’ve done it again.

Elliot Rifkin: What?

Oliver Stone: The President has wet his pants. I’ve got a plane to catch! [ exits ]

Elliot Rifkin: [ alone ] Wow.. Live, from New York, it’s Saturday night.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:
January 18th, 1992

Chevy Chase

Robbie Robertson

Bruce Hornsby

George Wendt

Robbie Robertson & Bruce Hornsby, “The Weight”

Wayne’s World

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

Love Toilet

(Repeat) See: 11/23/91.

Bush Campaign Stop

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Bob Swerski’s Quiz Masters

Recurring Characters: Bill Swerski, Carl Wollarksi, Pat Arnold, Todd O’Conner.

Remembrances of Love, with Wilt Chamberlain

Wilt Chamberlain…..Hammer
Cheryl…..Ellen Cleghorne
Fan…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on modern-day Wilt Chamberlain, sitting in his study next to a table stacked high with files on the women he’s dated ]

Wilt Chamberlain: I love women. I’ve had 20,000 relationships with beautiful, fascinating women in my life, every day since 1959, and all of them were special in their own way. Tonight.. [ pulls out a picture ] ..I remember Cheryl – #13,906, but in my heart, she was #2,078. Cheryl was so full of life, love and laughter. [ sniffs ] Mmm.. I can smell her perfume even now..

[ scene flashes back to Wilt’s time spent with Cheryl ]

Wilt Chamberlain V/O: It was 1972. The year the Lakers and I went all the way. A special year all around.

[ show exterior, Marriot Hotel in Milwaukee, Wisconsin ]

Cheryl: [ laughing ] So.. I figured, if the line for the movie is that long, it can’t be any good! [ laughs ]

Wilt Chamberlain: [ chuckles ] That’s terrific!

Cheryl: Oh.. Wilt? I’m such a big fan of yours.

Wilt Chamberlain: Oh, what’s there to say about me? I play basketball. But tell me more about you.

Cheryl: Yeah, well, anyway.. I saw “Cabaret” instead, and that was excellent! It was good.

Wilt Chamberlain: Yeah. Can you imagine that those people were living in tough, old times, trying to make the best of an intolerable situation?

Cheryl: Oh, I know..

Wilt Chamberlain: And how was that Joel Grey?

Cheryl: [ sighs ] The whole cast was excellent!

Wilt Chamberlain V/O: I was totally head over heels for Cheryl. Maybe I was feeling a little vulnerable. I was on the rebound from a previous relationship with a girl who was still in the bathroom. But there was no time for analyzing – I’ve always followed my heart.

Wilt Chamberlain: Cheryl? I don’t know how to say this.. it’s like.. when we’re together, it’s just so right!

Cheryl: Oh, I feel it, too.

Wilt Chamberlain: Like, remember the time when we talked about “Cabaret”?

Cheryl: Uh-huh. Yeah. When you said that it was making the best of an intolerable situation?

Wilt Chamberlain: Yes. You’re just so.. so wonderful!

Cheryl: [ moves up to kiss Wilt, and carries him and his big legs into the bed ]

[ pan over to the clock on the dresser, which quickly jumps ahead 15 minutes, then pans back to the bed, where Wilt and Cheryl are now seen smoking afterwards. ]

Wilt Chamberlain: You are one amazing woman..

Cheryl: Oh.. it was wonderful, Wilt!

Wilt Chamberlain: Look.. I got a game tomorrow in Cleveland.. I could fly you in, and we could spend halftime together. Just you.. and me.

Cheryl: I don’t think so, Wilt..

Wilt Chamberlain: What do you mean?

Wilt Chamberlain V/O: I tried to argue.. but, deep down inside, Cheryl was right – it just wasn’t there any more. We had drifted apart, and we just couldn’t keep faking it.

Cheryl: I’ll always remember you, Wilt. [ exits room ]

Wilt Chamberlain: How could I forget you? [ tears well up in his eyes, as someone knocks at the door ] Come in..

Fan: Mr. Chamblerlain? My brother is a really big fan of yours.

Wilt Chamberlain: [ eyes her down ] Oh? Well, please.. come on in, sit down.. I want to hear more about you.. [ points to the table ] I’ve still got some french fries. Feel free!

Fan: Okay.

Wilt Chamberlain: Mmm-hmm..

Announcer: Next week: the heartbreak of #9,687, on “Remembrances of Love, with Wilt Chamberlain”.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 14th, 1991

Steve Martin

James Taylor

None

James Taylor, “Stop Thinkin’ About That”

Schmitt’s Gay Beer

(Repeat) See: 09/28/91.

Suckerpunch

Recurring Characters: Mark Strobel.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

What a human snail shell is made of.

Live With Regis & Kathie Lee

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

The face of a child.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

What tears families apart.

The Dark Side with Nat X

Recurring Characters: Nat X, Michael Jackson.

Chris Farley, Tarzan, Frankenstein sing “Feliz Navidad”

Recurring Characters: Tarzan, Frankenstein.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail
on the sidewalk in front of our house.
And I thought, I too am like that snail.
I build a defensive wall around myself, a “shell” if you will.
But my shell isn’t made out of a hard, protective substance.
Mine is made out of tin foil and paper bags.

SNL Transcripts