Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 20




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89t: Candice Bergen / The Notting Hillbillies

Candice Bergen’s Monologue

…..Candice Bergen

Candice Bergen: Thank you very much! Thank you. You know, the first time I hosted “Saturday Night Live” was fifteen years ago, in November of 1975. Since then, I’ve always looked forward to hosting because this was the first show that allowed me to do comedy. Of course, now I have my own show, “Murphy Brown”. So, I really don’t need this show any more. Then, why am I here? Well, last Fall, they asked me to appear on the 15th Anniversary special. I sent them a nice note and said I would love to, but was really busy with my show, “Murphy Brown”. Which, at the time, was going into its second season, now a third. And I said, “Let’s do something later, maybe at the end of the season.” Who would have thought they would remember? So, here I am. And tonight, I want to do something very special for you. Because when I host, I host.

[ music plays ]

Male Chorus: [ singing ]
“Candy!
Ooh, Candy!
Candy!”

Candice Bergen: [ singing ]
“Just let me make one thing clear
This will be one hot night.
So let me do my thing here
Inside a hot spotlight.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 20








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89t: Candice Bergen / The Notting Hillbillies

Toonces the Cat Who Could Drive A Car

Lyle Clarke…..Dana Carvey
Brenda Clarke…..Victoria Jackson
Spunky’s Owner…..Candice Bergen

Jingle:
“Toonces the Driving Cat
The Cat who could drive a car.
He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!”

Announcer: “Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car.” Tonight: “Toonces’ Arch Enemy – Spunky”.

[ dissolve to interior, living room, as Toonces and his owners, Lyle and Brenda Clarke, watch home videos with Spunky and his owner ]

Spunky’s Owner: These are really nice home videos.

Lyle Clarke: Thanks!

Brenda Clarke: Oh, look! Here we are at the Grand Canyon!

Lyle Clarke: Oh, yeah.. Toonces was driving that day!

[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over the edge of the Grand Canyon ]

Spunky’s Owner: The Grand Canyon is really deep!

Lyle Clarke: Yeah! Yeah, tell us about it.

Brenda Clarke: Yeah.

Lyle Clarke: Hmm.

Brenda Clarke: Oh! Here we are at Carmel!

Lyle Clarke: Mmm. Yeah.

Brenda Clarke: Oh, that’s Toonces coming to pick us up.

[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over a cliff ]

Lyle Clarke: [ chuckles ]

Spunky’s Owner: Carmel is so pretty, isn’t it?

Lyle Clarke: It sure is. Oh! Now, here we are at Niagra Falls!

[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over the falls ]

Lyle Clarke: What a view we had that day – thanks to Toonces!

Spunky’s Owner: Ohh..

[ footage shows Toonces as a kitten driving a toy car around in the driveway ]

Lyle Clarke: Oh, how did this get in here? That was Toonces when he was a kitten!

Brenda Clarke: Oh! He liked to drive even then!

Lyle Clarke: Oh, there he goes!

[ Kitten Toonces drives over a wall ]

Lyle Clarke: Awww.. Well.. that’s all. I sure hope you enjoyed it.

Spunky’s Owner: I sure did! And I have an an-nunce-ment!

Brenda Clarke: What is it?

Spunky’s Owner: I know that your cat Toonces can drive.

Lyle Clarke: Well, yes.. just not very well.

Spunky’s Owner: Well, my cat Spunky just finished Driving School!

Lyle Clarke: Really?

Brenda Clarke: Wow!

Spunky’s Owner: Yep! Here’s his report card.

Lyle Clarke: [ examining it ] Wow! Look at those grades!

Spunky’s Owner: He got a A+ in Driving, an A+ in Conduct, an A+ in Attendance, an A+ in Punctuality.. and an extra A+ for helping clean erasers after class!

Brenda Clarke: It sounds like he’s a good driver!

Lyle Clarke: And how!

Spunky’s Owner: Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s have Spunky take us for a drive!

The Clarkes: Yeah!!

Spunky’s Owner: We’ll go home and get ready!

Brenda Clarke: Okay!

Lyle Clarke: Bye-bye!

Brenda Clarke: Bye, Spunky!

Lyle Clarke: Bye, Spunky!

[ Spunky and his owner exit the Clarke household ]

Toonces: [ growls menacingly ]

[ dissolve to interior, Spunky’s house; Spunky is in the bathroom getting himself ready ]

Spunky’s Owner: Spunky? Are you getting ready?

Spunky: [ meows ]

Spunky’s Owner: Don’t forget to wear your nice tie!

Spunky: [ meows ]

[ camera focuses on Spunky’s reflection in the mirror, where, suddenly, Toonces appears from behind, and covers Spunky’s face with a rag of chloroform ]

[ dissolve to the drive, later that afternoon, with what appears to be Spunky driving the car for his owner and the Clarkes ]

Spunky’s Owner: What a lovely day for a drive.

Lyle Clarke: It certainly is.

Brenda Clarke: Yeah. and Spunky is driving so well!

Spunky’s Owner: Yes! Did you see, back at that turn, how he used his signal, and put out his paw?

Brenda Clarke: Yeah, I noticed that!

Lyle Clarke: But he.. he seems to be driving worse now..

[ “Spunky” begins to swerve the car along the road ]

Everyone: Uh-oh..

Brenda Clarke: He’s getting wreckless!

Spunky’s Owner: [ worried ] Spunky, what’s wrong?

Lyle Clarke: Hey! Hey, wait a minute! Something’s wrong here..

[ Lyle reaches over the seat to pull off Toonces’ fake Spunky mask ]

Everyone: It’s Toonces!!

Spunky’s Owner: But where’s Spunky?

[ quick cut to show Spunky tied and gagged in his bathroom back at home ]

[ quick cut back to Toonces driving everyone in the car ]

Everyone: Look out, Toonces!! Look out!!

[ once again, the car topples over a cliff ]

Jingle:
“He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 20










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89t: Candice Bergen / The Notting Hillbillies

Wayne’s World

Wayne…..Mike Myers
Garth…..Dana Carvey
Hillary Algar…..Candice Bergen

Garth: Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your excellent host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Before I bring out our first guest – Garth and I go see movies, right? And from time to time, we review them. So, right now, we’d like to present another installment of.. “Wayne & Garth’s Movie World!”

Together:
“Movie World!
Party time!
Party time!
Excellent!”

Whoo-oo-oo!!

Wayne: Okay! Let’s go to the movies!

Garth: Alright!

Wayne: Alright! The first movie is “Pretty woman”, with that totally excellent babe Julia Roberts! Grrrrrrrrowwwwllll!! I thought it was excellent – she’s magically delicious!

Garth: I agree! I thought she was excellent! She’s such a babe, it hurts – owwww..

Wayne: You’re right, Garth! You know, they should introduce stern legislation to curb such dangerous levels of babacity! Alright, the next movie. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, starring.. some turtles. Didn’t see it. Garth?

Garth: No, I didn’t see it. You know, you just can’t get in, there’s too many turtleheads!

Wayne: Good call! good call! Okay, the next movie. “The Hunt For Red October”, starring Sean Connery. Garth?

Garth: I really liked it, it was scary.

Wayne: I rather liked it – not!

Garth: Seriously?

Wayne: Okay, to be fair, you know, I really couldn’t pay attention, because I was sitting beside this guy – this mental case. He kept sniffing his fingers the whole time.

Garth: No way!

Wayne: Way!

Garth: Gross!

Wayne: Telling! Okay! The last movie is.. “Opportunity Knocks”, starring Dana Carvey. I thought it was funny. Garth?

Garth: Sucked!

Wayne: Okay! Extreme Close-Up!

[ camera zooms in individually on Wayne and Garth’s faces, as they scream maniacally ]

Wayne: Okay!

Garth: Excellent close-up!

Wayne: Alright!

Garth: Good close-up!

Wayne: Okay! Last week, as you know, was Mother’s Day, right? So, in keeping with that spirit, let’s bring out our first guest, alright? You all know her as Garth’s mom – please welcome Mrs. Hillary Algar, Garth’s mom!

Together:
“Wayne’s World!Wayne’s World!Party time!Excellent!Owww!!”

[ Garth’s mom comes down the stairs and takes a seat next to Garth on the couch ]

Wayne: [ extremely smitten ] Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Mrs. Algar!

Hillary Algar: Well.. thanks, Wayne! Hi, Garth.

Garth: [ shy ] Hi, Mom!

Wayne: Mrs. Algar, I just have to say it – for a mom, you’re a fox!

Hillary Algar: Oh, thank you, Wayne!

Wayne: No, I’m serious! I’m serious. You’re such a fox.. you should be on the FOX Network!

Hillary Algar: Really.. you’re embarrasing me!

Wayne: In France, you would be known as “La Renard” – The Fox! In England, you would be hunted by the aristocracy with only your cunning to protect you!

Garth: Hey, Wayne, that’s my mom you’re talking about!

Wayne: I’m sorry, Garth – sorry – but you got a babe for a mom! You’re such a lucky duck!

Garth: [ meekly ] She’s just my mom.

Wayne: Alright, Mrs. Algar – you’re married to Beev, right?

Hillary Algar: That’s right.

Wayne: [ to the point ] Why?

Hillary Algar: Because I love him.

Wayne: Okay, but.. I mean, here’s a picture of you.. [ holds up a stunning photo of Mrs. Algar ] Grrroowwlll!! Alright? And, here’s a picture of Beev. [ holds up a nerdy photo of Garth’s dad, Beev ] Contrast and compare. The man’s a dweeb! How can a dweeb like him be married to a fox like you?

Garth: Just shut up! Just shut up, Wayne! That’s my dad you’re talking about!!

Wayne: Alright! Take a pill! Geesh! Don’t have a harry about it!

Hillary Algar: Listen, Wayne, don’t call my husband a dweeb, you gimp! [ slaps Wayne ]

Wayne: [ pleased ] The fox came to fight! Alright, you’re right, okay.. Beev’s a nice man. I just got carried away.

Hillary Algar: Well, let’s talk about something else, okay?

Wayne: Alright. The summer’s coming up.

Hillary Algar: Perfect. What are you doing this summer?

Wayne: Well.. I’m gonna join the pool.. and then, later on, I’m gonna do Outward Bound. Garth?

Garth: [ taken by surprise ] Um.. my-my-my dad and I, we’re gonna go to, um.. computer camp, for a month..

Wayne: A whole month?

Garth: Yeah.

Wayne: Just you and your dad?

Garth: Yeah.

Wayne: And your mom’s not going?

Garth: No-o-o-o!

Wayne: Really?

[ Wayne frantically waves his hands, falling into a fantasy sequence ]

[ Wayne’s fantasy sequence becomes reminiscent of “Summer of ’42”, as he enters the Algar summer cabin carrying large bags of groceries, with Hillary by his side ]

Wayne: Where would you like me to put these groceries, Mrs. Algar?

Hillary Algar: Oh.. on the table is fine, and.. please.. call me Hillary. I’ll get my purse.

Wayne: Sure, Hillary!

[ Wayne puts the groceries down ]

Hillary Algar: Look, Wayne, I.. can’t thank you enough for carrying those heavy shopping bags all the way from the store. Why.. what with Beev and Garth away at computer camp.. I could really use a man around here.

[ ]

Wayne: Well.. you know.. if you ever need anything, just call me. Okay?

Hillary Algar: Wayne, those bags are so heavy, and that store so far away.. please let me give you some money.

Wayne: [ manly ] I wouldn’t dream of it, Hillary.

Hillary Algar: Well.. at least stay and have a cup of coffee. You are old enough to drink a cup of coffee, aren’t you, Wayne?

Wayne: Shyeah!

Hillary Algar: I was just checking.

Wayne: [ dramatic pause ] I’m old enough.

Hillary Algar: How do you like your coffee?

Wayne: I like my coffee like I like my women.

Hillary Algar: Really? How’s that?

Wayne: Milk and two sugars.

Hillary Algar: What does that mean?

Wayne: I don’t know.

Hillary Algar: You’re sweet. [ grabs a letter from the mail, and begins to read it ]

Garth Voiceover: “Dear Mom. Beev and I are having so much fun, we’re staying an extra month. Love, Garth!”
,br>[ Hillary begins to weep ]

Wayne: Hillary? What’s wrong?

Hillary Algar: It’s just that it’s.. been so hard these past weeks with.. Beev and Garth away at computer camp. I feel so very alone!

[ Hillary falls into Wayne’s arms, as the familiar “Theme From Summer of ’42” pots up ]

Hillary Algar: Dance with me, Wayne.

Wayne: O-kay..

[ Hillary and Wayne begin to dance in a circle around the kitchen, with Hillary’s head on Wayne’s shoulder; each time Wayne slowly turns to face the camera, he gives an assured thumbs-up ]

[ suddenly, Garth waves his arms and falls into Wayne’s fantasy sequence ]

Wayne: Garth! What are you doing here?! This is my dream sequence!

Garth: [ points gun at Wayne ] That’s my mom, you pig!

Wayne: Garth! No!

Garth: [ shoots gun at Wayne ] Kaboo-oo-oommmm!!

Wayne: [ screaming as he faux dies ] Blood, blood, blood! Sinew! Entrails! Blood, blood, blood, blood!

[ Wayne falls out of his fantasy sequence, back into his basement show set ]

Garth: Wake up, Wayne! Wake up! Wake up, Wayne!

Wayne: Garth, don’t be mad at me!!

Garth: For what?!

Wayne: [ sees that he’s back safe in the basement ] Oh, good! It was all a dream! [ notices that the grocery bags from his fantasy are on the floor by the couch ] Or was it?! Who-o-o-o-o-oa-oa-aahhh!! That’s all the time we have this week! Hillary, I love you!

Hillary Algar: I love you, too, Wayne.

Wayne: [ surprised ] Really?

Hillary Algar: Fished in!

Garth: Alright! Good one, Mom! Excellent!

Wayne: Give me a tetnus, I just got a major fox bite! Okay! Until then – party on, Garth!

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Alright! “Wayne’s World!

[ title up, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Hosts:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
September 24th, 1989

None

Prince

Father Guido Sarducci

Kevin Nealon

Victoria Jackson

Dan Aykroyd

Steve Martin

Robin Williams

Tom Hanks

Billy Crystal

Sam Kinison

Joan Cusack

Mary Tyler Moore

Jon Lovitz

Lorne Michaels

Chevy Chase

Jane Curtin

Joe Piscopo

Garrett Morris

Susan St. James

Christopher Guest

Martin Short

O.J. Simpson

Steve Martin

Buck Henry

Charlton Heston

Jane Curtin

Laraine Newman

Dennis Miller

Jan Hooks

Mary Tyler Moore

Eddie Murphy’s Entourage

Dan Aykroyd

Jim Belushi

Robin Williams

Bruce Willis

Chevy Falls

Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson gawk at the night’s celebrity guests.

Chevy Chase insists he’s not too old to do the opening fall.

Tom Hanks’ Monologue

Hanks outlines obligatory comments for the monologue.

1975-1980 Highlights

Clips include: Wolverines, Jaws II, Fred Garvin, Mr. Bill and The Nerds.

SNL Moment I

Susan St. James was first host to marry an SNL producer.

Hey, You!

(Repeat) See: 12/10/77.

Jerry Hall

Jerry Hall introduces Prince.

Hey, You!

(Repeat) See: 12/10/77.

Guest/Short

Christopher Guest makes fun of Martin Short while introducing clips.

1980-1985 Highlights

Clips include: The Whiners, Velvet Jones, Fernando’s Hideaway and Mr. Robinson.

SNL Moment II

O.J. Simpson acknowledges Walter Payton’s Superbowl loss.

Super Bass-o-Matic ’76

(Repeat) See: 04/24/76.

Steve Martin

Steve Martin is too excited to introduce clip highlights.

1985-1989 Highlights

Clips include: Pathlogical Liar, Hans & Franz, Sprockets and Hercules.

Charlton Heston

Charlton Heston reads a letter from an offended SNL viewer.

First Citiwide Change Bank I

(Repeat) See: 10/08/88.

Billy Crystal

Billy Crystal does stand-up about feeling old.

Musical Guest Highlights

highlights of 14 years’ worth of musical guests.

Gilda Radner Tribute

Jane Curtin and Laraine Newman introduce clips of Gilda’s performances.

Gilda Radner Highlights

Clips include: Emily Litella, Baba Wawa, Judy Miller and La Dolce Gilda.

Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller talks about SNL’s political sketches.

Political Highlights

Clips include: Debate ’76, Carter Call-In and Jesse Jackson’s Monologue.

SNL Moment III

Jan Hooks wins the award for most whores portrayed in one SNL episode.

Mary Tyler Moore

Mary Tyler Moore talks about SNL’s tasteless sketches.

Tasteless Sketch Highlights

Clips include: The Widettes, Nude Beach, and Lord & Lady Douchebag.

John Belushi Tribute

Dan Aykroyd and Jim Belushi introduce clips of John’s performances.

John Belushi Highlights

Clips include: Samurai Deli, Godfather Therapy and Little Chocolate Donuts.

Robin Williams

Robin Williams stalls for time by roasting audience members.

Compulsion

(Repeat) See: 11/14/87.

“Play Misty For Me”

(Repeat) See: 01/10/76.

Paul Simon Worries

(Repeat) See: 11/20/76.

Bruce Willis

Bruce Willis reminds cast and crew to be ready for him in the morning.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 15


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 17th, 1990

Rob Lowe

The Pogues

None

Joe Dicso

Lorne Michaels

Conan O’Brien

Terry Turner

Bob Odenkirk
Sex Tape WorriesSummary: As President George Bush (Dana Carvey) addresses the nation with the promise of not gloating, Rob Lowe worries that the audience will hate him because of the sex tape.

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Rob Lowe’s MonologueSummary: Rob Lowe’s fears were correct – the audience hates him, although they love Jon Lovitz.

Transcript

Irish Drinking SongsRecurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar, Nancy.

Church ChatSummary: The Church Lady (Dana Carvey) paddles Rob Lowe for the sex tape incident.

Recurring Characters: Church Chat.

Transcript

Governor Wade Hammond

Dieter’s Dance PartyRecurring Characters: Dieter.

Clearasil

Harbaugh

The Pogues perform “White City”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Annoying Man.

The Arsenio Beckman ShowRecurring Characters: Linda Blair.

Transcript

Randy X For Governor

Mace’s TrainerRecurring Characters: Mace.

Helmet Head

The Pogues perform “Body”

Alexander’s Fur WorldTranscript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 15



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89o: Rob Lowe / The Pogues

Alexander’s Fur World

Alexander…..Jon Lovitz

Alexander: Hello! I’m Alexander Johnson, of Alexander’s Fur World. And we’re havin our year-end, better-off-dead sale. Furs, furs, furs! Choose from hundreds of full-length minks. Every one of these animals was raised in the lap of luxury, and, I’m sorry to say, committed suicide due to personal problems..

[ SUPER: “Depressed Minks” ]

And that’s not all! We have a fabulous collection of evil, murdering, vicious coyotes – every one a confirmed sheep and bunny killer convicted by a jury of environmentalists, and executed under humane conditions. Believe me, they’re better off dead.

Also, review our selection of reatarded beavers..

[ SUPER: “Retarded Beavers” ]

These poor animals were unable to cope with the complex demands of beaver society, and had to be put out of their misery. We have road possums, rabid foxes, and a limited number of filthy, destructive raccoons we found dead by the side of the road..

[ SUPER: “Flattened Raccoons” ]

So come with a clear conscience, and remember: they’re animals, for crying out loud! That’s what they’re there for!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 15









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89o: Rob Lowe / The Pogues

The Arsenio Beckman Show

Arsenio Beckman…..Rob Lowe
Linda Blair…..Victoria Jackson

Announcer: It’s time for “The Arsenio Beckman Show”, starring Arsenio Beckman. Tonight, Arsenio’s guest are: from “The Exorcist”, actress Linda Blair; and hot vinyl recording artist, Kool Ice Kold Soda. And now, let’s bang a gong, come on everybody, shake that groove thing for your party maestro, Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Beckman!

[ Arsenio steps out to his overly excited crowd, performing a series of weird chants to hype the audience up ]

Arsenio Beckman: I tell ya, man.. this is better than doin’ the Wild Thing! [ audience screams excitedly ] That’s my gang over there! That’s my gang over there! Man.. you know.. there is some wild stuff goin’ on out there! [ audience screams ] Did you hear what happened.. on the news today? [ audience screams ] I mean.. yeah.. yeah.. that was crazy, the news. You know what else? How about the way.. how about the way people dance, you know? [ Arsenio and his audience demonstrate the funny way people dance ] These people know what I’m talking about! Oh, that’s right! Coem on, give it up! Stand up! Give it up! [ the audience stands up and chants with Arsenio ] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! People at home are saying.. [ tenses up ] ..”What the hell is this?!” Did you see what was on the front page of the “Enquirer” today? [ audience says “No” ] Susan, can we put that thing.. that thing. Can we put it up there?

[ show headline: “Human Toothpick To Marry” – audience screams ]

Now.. we’ve got a most wonderful show. A sexy, sexy lady.. Linda Blair! [ audience screams ] And some guys that I know.. I’ve been talking to them backstage – and I know you know who they are, because I’ve been talkin’ to them backstage – let’s give it up for Kool Ice Kold Soda! [ audience screams ] Okay! We’ve got a good one go-in’, so let’s.. get.. row-in’! [ Arsenio takes his seat at his chair next to the sofa ]

Before I get started, I gotta take care of some business now. I am not trying in any way to take anything away from Arsenio Hall. You know? I mean, Arsenio – man – he’s the best! I mean, he set the standard.. he.. uh.. he showed the way! But I can’t be Arsenio Hall – I can only be Arsenio Beckman! And, besides, I’ve got my own party goin’! [ audience screams ] Okay! Okay! We’re gonna bring her out now! Won’t you please, please.. I’m gettin’ a little excited here! [ audience screams ] But not that little! [ laughs with his screaming audience, the lies sideways across his chair, eliciting more screams from the bouncing audience ] Okay, okay! She’s a sexy, sexy lady! Let’s clean it out for Linda Blair! [ Linda struts across the stage and sits on the sofa across from Arsenio ] Ah, yes, yes, yes, oh yes, Linda! Linda Blair, yes, oh yes! [ touches her knee ] You did a movie – “The Exoricst”. Great film, great motion picture! Now, what.. what was it like to be possessed?

Linda Blair: I don’t know. Why don’t you possess me, and find out?

[ audience screams and jumps in the aisle ]

Arsenio Beckman: [ blushing ] Oh, man! No, no, no, no.. I like your outfit, but I gotta say one thing – it doesn’t look too comfortable there!

[ audience screams, starts tossing one another in the air ]

Linda Blair: I’d probably be more comfortable on the floor. [ sits on the floor, audience screams ]

Arsenio Beckman: Well, then, that’s just fine. I’ll just lay like this, how’s this? [ lays on floor next to her with legs in the air, audience screams ] Now, I heard.. somewhere.. somebody was saying something about you doin’ a film with somebody or somethin’.. what’s that all about?

Linda Blair: Well, I just did a film, that’s coming out, called “Revenge of the Nerds IV”.

Arsenio Beckman: Yeah, yeah.. nerds.. yeah.. ‘Cause that’s what I’ve been talking about is, you know, nerds, and the way people dance, you know? Some people, you know, they dance like this.. [ demonstrates a nerdy dance, as the audience screams and joins in ]

Announcer: Don’t leave your seat, we’ll be right back with more Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Beckman!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 15




Search Now:

89o: Rob Lowe / The Pogues

President Bush Doesn’t Gloat / Rob Lowe Worries

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
…..Rob Lowe
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Victoria Jackson

[ open to President George Bush delivering a message to the nation from the Oval Office ]

George Bush: Good evening. You know, a few months ago, we allwitnessed the Revolution of ’89. The fall of that Berlin Wall doing that falling thing over there. Democracy across Eastern Europe. Now, there were those at that juncture who said, “We won the Cold War – time to gloat!” But I said no. Gloating wouldn’t be prudent. Not gonna gloat. Naahh.. gaahh.. gloat. Just look at the dividends “not gloating” has paid: the Soviet Free Market System, adopted; Nicaragua, Mr. Ortega, gone! Gone! Replaced by Mrs. Chemoro, wife of slain national hero down there – widow woman, not unattractive. Available. Lithuania, independent over there. All because I didn’t gloat! Could gloat now. Easily justified: 80% approval rating. It’s good! Most popular person ever.

[ cut to Rob Lowe’s dressing room ]

Lorne Michaels: Rob, you wanted to see me?

Rob Lowe: Lorne, I’m sorry, I know it’s the last minute, but I’ve just got this weird, scary feeling.

Lorne Michaels: What about?

Rob Lowe: Well, you know, this is the first time I’ve been in front of an audience since.. you know.. the thing.

Lorne Michaels: What thing?

Rob Lowe: Well.. you know.. the tape thing, you know.. and.. what if I go out there, and the people resent me?

Lorne Michaels: Because of the tape? Will they even remember it?

Rob Lowe: Oh, yeah, you know.. I think they might..

[ Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson enter ]

Kevin Nealon: You busy?

Lorne Michaels: No. Kevin, Vic.. come in. Rob’s a little concerned that the audience might be thinking about that tape incident in Atlanta.

Kevin Nealon: Really?

Rob Lowe: Yeah. Maybe they’ll think I’m some sort of, I don’t know.. sleaze.. or a low-life.

Kevin Nealon: Wait a minute. You’re worried that Mr. Joe Average American is thinking about that? I promise you, if they ever heard of the tape, they’ve forgotten about it a long time ago. Nobody cares.

Rob Lowe: Really? You really think so?

Kevin Nealon: People are watching the show tonight wondering what we’re going to do with “St. Elmo’s Fire” or “Oxford Blues”. They’re not tuning in to see us commenting on your personal sex life. That’s none of their business, and they know it.

Lorne Michaels: I think he’s right, Rob. Vic, you’ve been pretty quiet. What do you think? Is the tape thing a problem?

Victoria Jackson: I think the tape helps you.. I mean, ifenough people know about it.

Rob Lowe: Wait a minute.. so, if I go out there, that audience isn’t going to treat me like I’m some kind of jerk?

Lorne Michaels: Why should they? You’re Rob Lowe.

Rob Lowe: [ confident ] You’re right! You know what? I feela little foolish even worrying. In fact.. I’m psyched!

[ cut back to George Bush addressing the nation ]

George Bush: So, to sum up: gloating: too soon, maybe later; Mrs. Chemoro: available; Dan Quayle: gaining acceptance at a faster rate; Ortega: gone, but still, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 15




Search Now:

89o: Rob Lowe / The Pogues

Church Chat

Church Lady…..Dana Carvey
…..Rob Lowe

Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Church Chat”, with the Church Lady.

Church Lady: Hello. I’m the Church Lady, and this is “Church Chat”. Well, well, well.. Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you all. St. Patrick’s Day, what does it mean? A harmless Irish tradition? Or a chance for people to fornicate like drunken little Beastmasters? But we don’t have time to talk about that delicious subject, because we have a very special guest. For almost two years, this young man has been a knot in my corset and a hair in my Cream of Wheat. So, will you please welcome Rob Lowe.

[ Rob Lowe steps onto the set and smugly sits down on the couch ]

Well. Rob Lowe, in the flesh. I could reach out and touch you, but I’m not going to do that. Well, welcome to the show, Rob.

Rob Lowe: Thank you, Church Lady. It’s good to be here.

Church Lady: I guess it is. Just settle down, dear. Just relax. We have lots to talk about. Now, we talked before the show, Rob and I, just so you know.. and his attorneys were present, and we all agreed that we would avoid discussing certain sensitive subjects, and stick only to a list of approved topics. Isn’t that right, Robbie?

Rob Lowe: That’s right, Church Lady. You know, I really appreciate it.

Church Lady: That’s quite alright. After all, you are my little guest. My very special guest. [ holds up list of approved subjects ] Now, let’s see.. you have a new movie out. What is the name of it?

Rob Lowe: “Bad Influence”.

Church Lady: What a lovely little title!

Rob Lowe: Well, you know.. I’m happy with it. It’s gotten some very good reviews. I play a villain, which is a stretch different for me, and the critics seemed to like it.

Church Lady: [ contemplating ] Let’s see.. so the critics thought you were believable in the role of an evil, bad demonic villain from Hell. How wonderful for you, dear.

Rob Lowe: Well.. it was a different role for me.

Church Lady: I’m sure it was quite a stre-e-etch! Very, very different. Just unlike anything.. Okay, now I rented a few of your films this week, just to familiarize myself with your.. body of work.. oh! Excuse me! I mean career.. oops! I said “rear.” I’m sorry. I’m just having trouble sticking to our little agreement! Well, anyway.. I was watching “Hotel New Hampshire”, and I noticed that you frequently expose your TNP. [ SUPER: “Tingly Naughty Parts” ]

Rob Lowe: [ confused ] My TNP? What are you talking about?

Church Lady: Oh, come on, Rob. We agreed that we wouldn’t use those words. I’m just pointing out that quite often your fans, in your films, see your young firm, lily-white B&B. [ SUPER: “Bulbous Buttocks” ] There it is, big and large, throbbing U&D, U&D.. [ SUPER: “Up and Down” ] ..T&R, T&R.. [ SUPER: “Thrusting and Releasing” ] Well.. I’m glad that we had a chance to talk about your movie. So, what else did we agree to talk about.. let’s see.. favorite foods? Pets? Acrylic blends vs. cotton – which do you prefer, Rob?

Rob Lowe: Oh, cotton. Definitely.

Church Lady: It breathes, doesn’t it? It just breathes, yes. Well, that covers our list of agreed topics. I’ve kept my end of the bargain, are you ready to keep yours?

Rob Lowe: Yes. Yes, I am.

Church Lady: Alrighty.. [ pulls a paddle out of her desk ] Well, well, well.. this is a wonderful piece of equipment. It’s Honduran mahagony, Robbie. Take a little touch there.. [ Rob feels it ] Oh, isn’t that nice? [ gets up and paces in front of Rob ] It was crafted in Spain by an old man with one tooth in his head. He was a charming fellow. Helen couldn’t believe the price I got. Are you ready to assume your position, Robbie?

Rob Lowe: [ confident ] Yes, Church Lady, I am. [ gets up and bends over in front of the Church Lady ]

Church Lady: Alrighty. I just need to warm up a little bit. [ swings the paddle back and forth for adjustment ] And 1, and 2, and 3 and 4. And 1, and 2, and 3 and 4. Alright, I feel good now. Here we go, Robbie. [ swings paddle and smacks Rob in the butt ]

Rob Lowe: Thank you, Church Lady! May I have another! [ Church Lady smacks him again ] Thank you, Church Lady! May I have another!

Church Lady: [ bends down and yells into Rob’s butt ] Don’t you ever, ever, ever do that again! Get out of his buttocks, Satan! Leave his buttocks! Leave his buttocks, Satan! Satan! Satan! Satan! Satan! [ continues to repeatedly smack Rob’s butt until she grows weary and flops upon the couch ] Ohhh.. I have waited so long for that.. so many sleepless nights.. You feel better, Robbie?

Rob Lowe: Oh, yeah. [ leans against the leg of the couch ]

Church Lady: I know I do. Oh, goodness. Now in celebration of your new lease, you may do the Superior Dance with me. Hit it, Pearl!

[ Church Lady and Rob Lowe stand up and do the Superior Dance for the audience ]

Announcer: This has been “Church Chat”, with the Church Lady.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 15




Search Now:

89o: Rob Lowe / The Pogues

Rob Lowe’s Monologue

…..Rob Lowe
…..Jon Lovitz

[ Rob receives no applause as he steps onto Home Base to deliver his monologue ]

Rob Lowe: Thank you. Thank you. [ uneasy ] Thank you. [ sudden enthusiasm ] It’s great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”!

Voice in Audience: [ angry ] You’ve got a lot of nerve! I have a daughter!
Rob Lowe: [ confident ] No! Actually, I’m glad that this has come up, I – the incident, to which the gentleman is referring, is an unfortunate situation, and.. I regret it, it’s been, uh.. it’s been very difficult for me. But I’ve learned something. That, through, with experiences like this, you can really find the value and the loyalty of your friends. And.. I found out that I do have a lot of friends —

Voice in Audience: We’re not your friends!

Second Voice in Audience: I’ve got a daughter!

Rob Lowe: Well.. Uh.. we’ve got a great show tonight! Our musical guest, all the way from Ireland – we’ve got the Pogues! [ audience is silent ] Aw, come on.. don’t hold it against them – they didn’t do anything! I mean, they don’t even know me! [ silence ] Aw, come on! It’s Saint Patrick’s Day! [ silence ] Well.. anyway.. we’ll be right back..

Jon Lovitz: [ steps up to help ] Rob.

Rob Lowe: Jon.

Jon Lovitz: Rob, why don’t you just go change for the next sketch? I’ll handle this.

Rob Lowe: Alright. I guess you’re right.. [ glumly walks away ]

Jon Lovitz: [ to audience, excited ] Okay! The Pogues are here! [ audience cheers ] We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts