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SNL Transcripts: Billy Crystal: 03/17/84

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 9: Episode 15

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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

February 25th, 1984

Billy Crystal

Al Jarreau

None

Andy Breckman

Ed Koch

Clint Smith

Yvonne Hudson
St. Patrick’s Day Wrap-UpSummary: A confused Siobhan Cahill (Mary Gross) reports from a Purim celebration instead of the St. Patrick’s Day celebration she’d intended.

Recurring Characters: Siobhan Cahill, Father Timothy Owens.

Montage

Bill Crystal’s MonologueSummary: Billy Crystal performs stand-up about dating as a teenager.

Hung Like MeRecurring Characters: Pee Wee Herman.

Winston UniversitySummary: The recruiter (Billy Crystal) for Winston University lets a high school class in on a secret, but, if they tell anyone about it, he will track them down and kill them.

Transcript

Family in the AtticSummary: A Swiss couple (Tim Kazurinsky, Robin Duke) suddenly remember that they never set a group of WWII refugees free after the war ended.

Note: This sketch was pre-filmed to accomodate Eddie Murphy’s movie schedule.

Sammy & ronald ReaganSummary: President Ronald Reagan (Joe Piscopo) asks Sammy Davis, Jr. (Billy Crystal) to publicly hug his opponents as a measure to guarantee his re-election.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Sammy Davis, Jr.

Unanswered Questions of the UniverseRecurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

Bad Career MovesSummary: Fred Kaz (Jim Belushi) interviews Hervé Villechaize (Billy Crystal), who recently quit “Fantasy Island” in pursuit of more money.

Transcript

Saturday Night NewsSummary: Recurring Characters: Fernando.

Al Jarreau performs “Mornin'”

God’s PlaceRecurring Characters: John F. Kennedy, Babe Ruth, Charlie Chaplin.

The Womb

Al Jarreau performs “Trouble in Paradise”

Billy Crystal’s SNL StorySummary: Billy Crystal tells the audience about his stand-up performance that was cut from the very first of episode of “Saturday Night Live”, but time runs out once more before he can perform it.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Billy Crystal: 03/17/84: Goodnights

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 9: Episode 15

83o: Billy Crystal / Al Jarreau

Goodnights

…..Billy Crystal

Billy Crystal: I had a mahvelous time! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Billy Crystal: 03/17/84: Bad Career Moves

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 9: Episode 15

83o: Billy Crystal / Al Jarreau

Bad Career Moves

Fred Kaz…..Jim Belushi
Hervé Villechaize…..Billy Crystal

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve onto the set ]

Fred Kaz: Good evening. I’m Fred Kaz, and welcome to “Bad Career Moves.” The show that features people from all walks of life who’ve made diastrous career choices. Won’t you please welcome this week’s guest – Hervé Villechaize.

[ camera pulls out to reveal the tiny Hervé Villechaize sitting in the chair with his legs full across the cushion ]

Hervé Villechaize: Good to see you, Fred. Very nice to see you.

Fred Kaz: Well. It’s very, uh – it’s very nice to see, uh – it’s very nice to see anybody after that last career move you made.

Hervé Villechaize: Yes, yes, I – it has been a very strange time for me, but, uh —

Fred Kaz: So, how have you been?

Hervé Villechaize: I’ve been very good, thank you very much. I, uh, try to keep in shape. You know, I run a great deal.

Fred Kaz: Mmm-hmm. How much?

Hervé Villechaize: I’m up to 300, uh – 350 feet a day. Sometimes, you know, I get a second wind and I can go another 100, 150 feet.

Fred Kaz: Yeah.

Hervé Villechaize: You break into what you call the runner’s exhilarated high. It’s very exhilarating to me.

Fred Kaz: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, listen, uh – you gotta be a nut to quit “Fantasy Island.” Whatever possessed you?

Hervé Villechaize: Well, uh, I felt they were not developing the character of Tattoo as a human being.

Fred Kaz: Yeah. Sure. Like the audience really cared. I mean, uh, Hervé, all you really had to do was point to the plane and say, “Da plane, Boss! Da plane! Da plane!” And you get to go home with a big sack of money.

Hervé Villechaize: Well, you don’t understand. I wanted to grow as an actor. Uh, I wanted to stretch.

Fred Kaz: Oh, stop it!

Hervé Villechaize: In fact, I always got a feeling on the set that Ricardo Montalban – who I had most of my scenes with – he was, like, looking down on me! And the food, at lunch, was always too big for me to handle. So, in the end, uh.. well, it came down, like it does in this business very often, to money. I wanted to get paid what I felt an actor of my status should be paid.

Fred Kaz: Yeah? Well, how much was that?

Hervé Villechaize: $75,000 a week.

Fred Kaz: What? Tom Selleck only gets fifty grand a week!

Hervé Villechaize: So? I felt that ws what I was worth, and I quit!

Fred Kaz: So, that’s riduculous! That’s $25,000 a foot!

Hervé Villechaize: Well —

Fred Kaz: It was a bad career move. It was a bad career move. So, what are you working on now?

Hervé Villechaize: I’m doing a little dinner theater. Uh, it’s an all-dwarf production of “Death of a Salesman.” We’re at the Rama Rama Dinner Theater, just outside Chula Vista. Just take I-90 to 106, get off at the Chimichango exit, adn we’re just opposite Carpet World.

Fred Kaz: Death of a Salesman”?

Hervé Villechaize: Oh yes, it’s a great play, and I play the classic role of Willy Loman. The play – the play – is very good. [ no audience response ] The play – the play – is very good. [ audience laughs ] But the food is very good.

Fred Kaz: Yeah. Well, thanks, Hervé. You were a real idiot to quit “Fantasy Island.”

Hervé Villechaize: Thank you.

Fred Kaz: Anywho – join us next week on “Bad Career Moves”, when our guests – host – guest – will be Suzanne Somers. So long.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Billy Crystal’s SNL Story

Billy Crystal’s SNL Story

… Billy Crystal
… Dave Wilson

[Applause for host Billy Crystal who stands in frontof a fancy backdrop labeled “MUSIC HALL” and addressesthe camera.]

Billy Crystal: Thank you. I– [waits forapplause to end] I am, uh, especially thrilled to bethe host of Saturday Night Live tonight. This is showthree-seventy. Three hundred and seventy shows. I waspart of – the first show. You may not have–[scattered applause] But you didn’t see me. … Andthat is what this story’s quickly about.

You know, when you’re doing something new– This was1975 and I was a new comic. I was “Bill” Crystal then– I was too hip for the “Y” and– … There was thisexciting show called Saturday Night Live and we werehere and I was part of the first show. The guest hostwas George Carlin and there was Andy Kaufman, ValriBromfield who’s on “The New Show,” Billy Preston,Janis Ian and it was great. And that cast who youloved.

Now, things happen when you do a show — especially ashow like this and you see how crazy we are — thingsmovin’, things gettin’ cut, “Is this gonna work?That’s gonna work?,” the show was different in dressrehearsal than it is now and stuff. I was part ofthat. A piece of material I did was too long for theshow — and I got bumped. I wasn’t on the first show.I walked out those doors there. [points] Had to callmy relatives, which was the worst. [imitating oldJewish man on the phone] “What do you mean?! What didyou do?! Did you get FIRED?!” …

So now I want to do for you the piece of material Ididn’t get a chance to do nine years ago. Okay?[applause] So–

Voice of director Dave Wilson: Billy, Billy,Billy!

Billy Crystal: [looks up] What? What?

Voice of director Dave Wilson: I’m sorry,Billy, you won’t be able to do it. We’re out oftime.

Billy Crystal: [annoyed and disappointed]Ohhhh. [apologetic, to the camera] I’ll see you inanother nine years. [to the director] That’s not fair,Dave! That’s not fair!

[Applause as we dissolve to a bumper photo of Crystal,his hand to his face with one eye peeking out betweenhis spread fingers.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Winston University

Winston University

Teacher … Robin Duke
Mr. York … Billy Crystal
Roger … Jim Belushi
1st Student … Gary Kroeger
2nd Student … Tim Kazurinsky
3rd Student … Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Sleeping Student … Brad Hall

[High school classroom. CLASS OF ’84 COLLEGE DAY iswritten on the chalkboard. The students chatternoisily as the teacher brings the class toorder.]

Teacher: Okay! Students! Students, could wehave quiet, please? Students! Students, this is Mr.York. He’s from Winston University.

[The teacher sits as the wimpy, bespectacled collegerecruiter Mr. York stands at the front of the room infront of an easel displaying a large card with a colorphoto of the campus and struggles through a weak salespitch.]

Mr. York: Thank you. [hesitantly, to the class]Hi. Um, Winston University is a four-year liberal artsinstitution which is located just thirty-five mileswest of Boulder, Colorado. Uh, you kids like to ski?

[The apathetic students pay little attention to any ofthis. Someone responds unenthusiastically.]

Mr. York: No? ‘Kay. [next card shows a photo ofa science building] Uh, this is the sciencebuilding. And we’ve got excellent laboratoryfacilities on campus, very modern equipment. Is, uh,anyone here interested in science? [long pause,no response] No?

[Suddenly, a jock named Roger, wearing football shirtand sunglasses, speaks up.]

Roger: Yeah.

Mr. York: You?

Roger: Yeah. I – I’m interested in, uh,aerodynamics. Look! [throws a paper airplane and makesloud noises, imitating a screaming fighter jetshooting exploding missiles, etc. He and the otherstudents laugh.]

Teacher: [rises, sternly] Roger! Roger, behaveyourself! Turn– Roger, turn around! [chastises theclass] Now, you people are seniors now! This CollegeDay is for your benefit! You only have two moreyears to decide about your future — so I suggest thatyou pay attention. [returning to her seat] Go ahead,Mr. York.

Mr. York: Thank you. [points to the sciencebuilding photo] Uh, this is the main quad. [realizeshe’s got the wrong card, reveals the next card with aphoto of the quad] Uh, er, right, uh, here.There’s the main quad. Heh. It’s been a whilesince I been on the campus. Eh, this is the main quad.This is where most of the freshman dormitories are.Uh, now, if – if you’re a freshman there, you – you’rerequired to use the dorms for the freshman year.[students groan] Oh, you’ll like them, they’re verynice. [suddenly clutching his head in pain] Oh, excuseme. Ohhh. Oooh.

Teacher: [rises] Mister – Mister York, are youall right?

Mr. York: I – I’m – I’m sorry. I have aterrible headache. Do you have any aspirin?

Teacher: Oh, yes, there’s some up in theteachers’ lounge.

Mr. York: Thank you.

Teacher: I’ll go get some.

Mr. York: Thank you very much.

Teacher: [heads to the door, admonishes theclass] Now, you kids behave yourself. [studentsgrumble reluctant agreement] I’ll be rightback.

[The teacher exits out the door. Mr. York, who hasfaked his headache in order to get the teacher out ofthe room, cautiously hurries to the door and shuts itafter her.]

Mr. York: [urgently, to the students] How longwill it take her to get back here? [whips off hiseyeglasses] HOW LONG, DAMN IT?! [the students jump insurprise]

1st Student: I don’t know — about threeminutes.

Mr. York: Okay. [slaps a sleeping student] WAKEUP! LET’S GO! [hauls the student out of his chair andpoints to the nearby window] CLOSE THOSE BLINDS! LET’SGO! [jerks a thumb at the remaining two windows] CLOSETHOSE BLINDS! LET’S GO! [two students jump up and allblinds are closed as York rushes to the front of theroom and whips off his jacket] Let’s get this thingstarted.

Okay, SIT DOWN! [everyone sits, their attentionriveted on the intense York who speaks rapidly butclearly] Now, listen carefully, I’m about to tell yousomething. It’s a secret. And if this secret everleaves this classroom, I will find you – and I willkill you. … [the students look at each other dumbly]Do you understand? Here’s how it works!

[reveals the next card on the easel – an illustrationof a stack of cash split evenly between YOU andUNIVERSITY] Your parents cough up twelve thousanddollars a year to send you to Winston University,right? We split it right down the middle! … Sixthousand for you, six thousand for us. For four years,that’s twenty-four thousand dollars. Got it?

[the students murmur enthusiastic agreement – nextcard shows an illustration of a campus full of falsebuilding fronts] All right, this is the campus. All ofthe buildings on campus? FAKE! … [points to the onereal building] This building is the dormitory. That’swhat we use it for on only one day of the year –Visiting Day, April 12th. We don’t care what you dowith the money, we don’t care where you go — but youmust be back on campus Visiting Day, April 12th. …If you’re not back on campus Visiting Day, April 12th,we will find you and we will kill you. …

[students murmur, impressed, “Cool!” – next card is areproduction of a diploma] This is your diploma. Youwill be handed your diploma when you first arrive oncampus but you are NOT to show it to anybody for fouryears. … If you show your diploma to somebody withinthe four-year period, we will find you and we willkill you. …

2nd Student: [nerdy guy in sweater andeyeglasses] Eh, eh, eh, excuse me. But – what aboutour education? What about learning? [Roger thejock smacks him in the back of the head with a book]… I – I’m sorry. Go on.

Mr. York: Thank you. [next card shows a collegetranscript] Your grade point average will be athree-point-eight! Congratulations! [students cheerand applaud – next card shows photos of a telephoneoperator and U.S. MAIL bags] We have operators on dutyto – to forward all your phone calls. We will beforwarding your mail. Now–

3rd Student: Wait a minute. Can we really getaway with this?

Mr. York: [next card shows a photo of a massivecrowd of people on a green lawn] Last year, WinstonUniversity had a graduating class of fifty-ninethousand. … No books, no tests, no classes! Justtwenty-four thousand dollars and four years to spendit in! Winston University! Remember our motto — [nextcard reads:] “You Tell Anyone and We’ll KillYou.”

[Students cheer and applaud as the teacher returnswith a bottle of aspirin. She is shocked at thestudents enthusiasm. York quickly hides thecards.]

Mr. York: What’s the best college in theworld?!

Students: [shouting with enthusiasm] WinstonUniversity!

Mr. York: And where ya gonna spend your nextfour years?!

Students: [shouting with enthusiasm] WinstonUniversity!

Mr. York: Okay, thank you! Take someapplications on the way out.

[York hands out applications as the students excitedlyrush up, grab them and exit the classroom.]

Mr. York: Thank you very much. Nice seeing you.Right, bye. Bye-bye.

[The teacher watches in amazement as the studentsdepart. York gathers up his cards and starts to put onhis jacket.]

Teacher: [offers York the aspirin bottle] Oh,here you go.

Mr. York: Oh, oh, oh, thanks but, uh, I’mfeeling much better now.

Teacher: Well, I have never seen my students soenthusiastic.

Mr. York: Well–

Teacher: You must be a terrificsalesman.

Mr. York: Yeah, but the school really sellsitself.

Teacher: Well, I can imagine.

Mr. York: [chuckles]

Teacher: You know, a lot of the faculty hereare graduates of Winston University. …

Mr. York: [quickly] Oh, really? Well, I’ve gotto go. Thank you very much. Bye. Nice talking to you.Bye. [hurriedly exits with his cards]

Teacher: [waves good-bye, talks to herself,thoughtful] No one ever seems to talk about it muchthough. Hmm.

[Applause as the teacher goes to chalkboard and startsto erase it. Dissolve and pull back to a wider view ofthe classroom set surrounded by cameras, lights,microphones, and the applauding Studio 8Haudience.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Crisis Game ’83

Crisis Game ’83

Ted Koppel…..Joe Piscopo
John Glenn…..Tom Smothers
Jesse Jackson…..Eddie Murphy
William F. Buckley…..Brad Hall
Carl Sagan…..Gary Kroeger

Ted Koppel: Good evening, I’m Ted Koppel. Last week ABC aired a special edition of “Nightline” called “The Crisis Game”, in which we saw how a hypothetical president and his advisors might react to a simulated nucxlear criris. The response was so overwhelming that we decided to extend the series. So, tonight we’ll see how two other potential presidents react to a similar emergency, as we present “Crisis Game ’83”.

Well, you certainly look like a newsworthy-looking bunch, and we do have a great show for you, so let’s meet our two contestants. Don Pardo?

Don Pardo: He’s a U.S. Senator, a devout Presbyterian, and the only U.S. astronaut who did not have sex with thousands of women. Please welcome John Glenn.

Ted Koppel: John, it is nice to have you with us. Do you want to tell us a little more about yourself?

John Glenn: Um.. no, I.. that’s about all there is. Oh, there was one thing.. no, that was someone else. I guess that’s it.

Ted Koppel: Thank you, John Glenn. Don, who’s next?

Don Pardo: He’s a Baptist minister, a devout political activist who enjoys getting his name in the papers. Let’s welcome Rev. Jesse Jackson.

Ted Koppel: Rev. Jackson, how are you?

Jesse Jackson: I am somebody!

Ted Koppel: No, Reverand, not who are you.. how are you.

Jesse Jackson: It’s not who you are, it’s who you will be! I can be whatever I will be! Whatever will be will be! The future is not ours to see! Que sera sera!

Ted Koppel: Well, thank you very much, Reverand. Okay, let’s get right to Crisis #1. Alright, gentlemen, here is your crisis: Marxist guerillas have been sighted in Barbados. You, as President, have responded by sending in one hundred thousand Marines without Congressional approval. Now you’re holding a press conference. John Glenn, let’s see if you can dodge the issue.

John Glenn: Well, you know.. from 100 miles up in space, Barbados doesn’t look much bigger than.. say.. Ohio.. with its millions of fully employed Americans, and its reputation for fine pancake houses.

Ted Koppel: Alright. Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson: We are not interested in the Caribbean! We are interested in caring.. for human beings! Who’s got time for deployment, when there’s so much unemployment! Why should we be invading the tropics, when we should be invading the topics!

Ted Koppel: Alright, thank you. Alright, back to John Glenn now. Mr. President, has there or has there not been an invasion?

John Glenn: Well, let me say this.. I was talking with Jesse Jackson before this broadcast, and I asked him what he thought about Beirut.. and he told me Hank Aaron was a better hitter. I don’t think he is qualified.. but I was the first American to invade space.

Ted Koppel: The first American to invade space? You mean, the third American?

John Glenn: Whatever.

Ted Koppel: Alright. Uh, Jesse Jackson?

Jesse Jackson: We are not concerned with outer space! We’re concerned with inner cities! Don’t ask me about troops on the shore, ask me about food for the poor! Nuclear freeze? What about surplus cheese!

Ted Koppel: Thank you, Reverand. Okay, back to John Glenn again. Excuse me, Mr. President, I did see “The Right Stuff”, and wasn’t Alan Shephard really the first American in space?

John Glenn: Yeah, well, let’s see Alan Shephard send a hundred troops down to.. [ buzzer sounds ] Damn. I think I just blew it.

Ted Koppel: Alright, Jesse Jackson, you’re our big winner! Don, tell him what he’s won.

Don Pardo: The Illinois Primary! Illinois, the nation’s third-most popular state, which brings 46 fabulous Electoral votes! Illinois Primary courtesy of the Chicago Democratic machine.

Ted Koppel: Well, John Glenn, Senator from Ohio, thank you for being with us.

John Glenn: Do I.. still get to be senator?

Ted Koppel: I’m afraid so. Alright now, Jesse Jackson, this means you get to move on to our big bonus crisis! Let’s step right this way, please. [ they step up the stage ] Alright, sit right here, Jesse. This is the Presidential Hot Seat. Alright, Jesse, you’re about ot test the ultimate test of your hypothetical presidency. Radar has indicated that Russian missiles are heading towards the United States. Now, you have to decide whether or not to push this button, which will launch U.S. missiles.

Jesse Jackson: It sounds pretty simple!

Ted Koppel: Well, we’re gonna make it a little tougher on you, because aiding you in your decision will be Carl Sagan and William F. Buckley. Alright, Mr. President, the missiles have been launched, we are at alert, Condition Green. Go!

William F. Buckley: Mr. President! If I may interrupt you for a moment, and I daresay this bears directly on the issue of, not pertaining to, the point of which, in fact I may have just made.

Jesse Jackson: Yes, but..

Carl Sagan: Imagine, if you will, two men standing knee-deep in gasoline, each has billions and billions of matches. A cleaning woman enters the room with a lighted cigarette, and plugs in the defective toaster-oven. At this point..

Jesse Jackson: Yes, but..

Ted Koppel: Condition Yellow, Mr. President.

William F. Buckley: Mr. President, if we may ignore Mr. Sagan’s gas problem for a moment, I would hasten to point out that trigger-breaking is semi-quon-non of a..

Jesse Jackson: But, wait.. let’s..

Carl Sagan: To clarify, Mr. President, imagine if you will, two men standing knee-deep in a seafood restaurant, with butter. Each holds billions and billions of lobsters. A fight then breaks out over who will pick up the tab, and suddenly a waiter enters with a lighted cigarette..

Jesse Jackson: Will you both shut up and let me talk for a minute, please! [ presses button, game ends ]

Ted Koppel: Bad luck, Jesse Jackson! You made the wrong decision, Jesse. That nuclear alert wasn’t real, it was just some computer nut in California playing with his Wang computer.

Jesse Jackson: [ near tears ] Those guys just kept talking, man..

Ted Koppel: Well, Don Pardo, tell him what he’s just done.

Don Pardo: You’ve destroyed civilization as we know it. 7,000 years of human endevour down the drain, and you’re repsonsible!

Ted Koppel: Well, Jesse, you still get the Illinois Primary, so congratulations, nice playing with you. Thank you very much. Do join us next week when we will have Tip O’Neill and publisher Larry Flynt, and we will play “The Crisis Game”. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

Mentl

Mentl

Barbra Streisand…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on the back of Barbra Streisand ]

Announcer: A motion picture event. She wrote it, she directed it, she produced it, she stars in it. Barbra Streisand is “Mentl”.

[ turns around to revela Barbra from the front ]

Barbra Streisand: I wrote it! I wrote it, I directed it, I produced it, I starred in it! I played a boy, I played a girl playing a boy! I can do anything! So Dustin Hoffman did “Tootsie”, so what already? I’ve had the idea for five years! I worked hard, I slaved. I don’t need the rights to a musical, I could have done it myself! I don’t need anybody! I don’t need Elliot Gould! I don’t need Jon Peters, I do my own hair! I curl it, I wash it, I comb it, I can do anything! I’m a nice Jewish girl! I studied the Old Testement, I studied the Kabala, I am a nice Jewish girl, what’s so wrong about that!

Announcer: Barbra Streisand. An epic motion picture. Oy, is she “Mentl”!

Barbra Streisand: [ rambles on ] I’m keeping the ranch in Malibu, so who needs Ryan O’Neal? I don’t understand him..!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Know Your Neighbor

Know Your Neighbor

Bob McCarthy…..Jim Belushi
Marcy Ackerman…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Bob McCarthy: Hi. I’m Bob McCarthy, and welcome to “Know Your Neighbor”. This week, our Jewish viewers are celebrating Hanukkah. I hope I pronounced that right.

Marcy Ackerman: Yes. you did.

Bob McCarthy: Here to tell us a little more about the holiday is Marcy Ackerman, who’s Vice-President of the local Jewish Woman’s League. Welcome to the show, Marcy.

Marcy Ackerman: Thank you.

Bob McCarthy: So.. Hanukkah. Is sort of like your Christmas, is that it?

Marcy Ackerman: Well, no, actually, they fall at the same time, but, um.. really they’re quite different. If, uh..

Bob McCarthy: So, what you’re saying is.. do you have, like, a tree, or what?

Marcy Ackerman: Oh, no, no, no, no. We call Hanukkah the Festival of Lights.

Bob McCarthy: Right.

Marcy Ackerman: And we celebrate it by lighting a candle every night for eight nights.

Bob McCarthy: I see.

Marcy Ackerman: Now, uh.. the first candle is called the Shama.

Bob McCarthy: Wait. The Shama. Is that right?

Marcy Ackerman: Shamas, that’s right. And the candles are placed in holders just like this. And the holder is called the menorah.

Bob McCarthy: Wait a minute, now.. a menorah?

Marcy Ackerman: Yes.

Bob McCarthy: Hank, you getting a close-up of the menorah? [ laughs ] Menorah! Go ahead.

Marcy Ackerman: Mr. McCarthy, there’s nothing really funny about this.

Bob McCarthy: I’m sorry, honey, I was just thinking about something else.

Marcy Ackerman: Oh, okay.

Bob McCarthy: Boy, this is very fascinating!

Marcy Ackerman: Oh, thank you.. um.. in some Jewish households, it’s traditional to give the children Hanukah gelts.

Bob McCarthy: Gelts?

Marcy Ackerman: Right. Hanukkah gelts. Which is money.

Bob McCarthy: [ laughs ] Well, there’s a big surprise! Jewish kids getting money! [ laughs ] Blow me over with a feather! [ laughs ]

Marcy Ackerman: Well, actually, um.. Hanukah celebrates a major military victory.

Bob McCarthy: Yeah, okay.

Marcy Ackerman: In 165 B.C., a great Jewish leader named Judah Macabe was..

Bob McCarthy: [ does a spittake ] Wait a minute! Judah Macabe?!

Marcy Ackerman: Yeah.

Bob McCarthy: No, really, that’s his name? Judah Macabe?! Where does he come from, McDonaldLand or something? [ looks offstage ] What do you mean? I’m not being offensive, come on, we’re just talking here! [ to Marcy ] Go ahead.

Marcy Ackerman: Um.. well, anyway..

Bob McCarthy: This is really fascinating, really.

Marcy Ackerman: Well, anyway.. when they got to the temple, there was only enough oil in the lamp to last for one day..

Bob McCarthy: Mmm-hmm..

Marcy Ackerman: ..but the oil lasted for eight days..

Bob McCarthy: Ooohh!

Marcy Ackerman: And, uh.. that’s the miracle of Hanukkah.

Bob McCarthy: What?! That’s the miracle?! I mean, the oil lasted for eight days?! [ laughs ] Come on, you’re kidding me, right?!

Marcy Ackerman: No..

Bob McCarthy: [ laughs ] Boy, that’s the wimpiest miracle I’ve ever heard in my life! [ looks offstage ] Come on, I’m not being disrepestful, we’re just talking! [ to Marcy ] Come on, come on, come on. Now, you call that a miracle, Marcy?

Marcy Ackerman: Yeah, I..

Bob McCarthy: Look, Marcy, let me ask you a question, alright? Suppose I’m driving down the New Jersey Turnpike, right? My gas gauge is on empty, but I make it 40 miles to the Exxon station, okay? Can I get an eight-day holiday for that?

Marcy Ackerman: [ upset ] Mr. McCarthy..!

Bob McCarthy: Are you gonna say, “Oh, that’s a miracle! The miracle of the gas gauge!” [ laughs ] Come on, can I be frank here? You know what gets me about you Hebrews..?

[ cut abruptly to logo ]

[ cut back to set with Stagehand sitting in for Bob McCarthy ]

Stagehand: Uh.. Bob McCarthy was called away suddenly. I guess that’s all for tonight.. so.. goodnight.

[ dissolve to logo, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Studio Rain Delay

Studio Rain Delay

…..Tom Seaver
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Ron Luciano

[ open on rain pouring down in the studio ]

[ SCROLL: “Saturday Night Live… Rain Delay… Please Stay Tuned…” ]

Tom Seaver: Well, we’re here at Saturday Night Live, and, as you can, seem it’s coming down pretty hard here. You know, it’s been raining all day, it’s really a mess out there. There’s umpire Ron Luciano, he’s checking the stage. He doesn’t look very happy – of course not. He’s the guy who’s gonna have the final decision on whether or not to cancel the show tonight. Boy, this is really a shame.

I’m Tom Seaver. You know, “Saturday Night Live” has been on the air for nine years now, and, to the best of my knowledge, this would be the very first time they’ve been cancelled because of rain. And what a shame that would be. We have a capacity crowd here tonight, and they would really be disappointed. Many of them have been waiting all day long – some of them sleeping outside in sleeping bags so they could get tickets.

And, wait a minute, we’ve got a biggie now. Just in case the show is cancelled, NBC does have “Abbot & Costello Meet Frankenstein”. We’ve got that standing by. I think Bela Lugosi’s in that one, too.

You can see a few of the members of the cast here on the stage. Timmy up there, and Mary Gross. The Belush-man, Jim Belushi, up at the top. I know these kids would love to get this game in the show, and they’re really gamers. They’re troopers, the show must go on, and that’s what they really believe.

On the stage here, as you can see, it’s still wet. A couple of them here.. Julia’s here and Gary’s here. I know, Gary, you had a great show last week, and I know you’d like to get this one in, ’cause you’re on a roll and things have really been going well for you.

Gary Kroeger: I’m very excited.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Me, too.. yeah.

Tom Seaver: Nice talking to you. [ moves along ] The Smothers Brothers, our hosts. I don’t want to get you wet. I know you would hate to see this one get washed out, wouldn’t you?

Tom Smothers: Oh, we’ve been cancelled so many times before, Tom, I’d just hate to see it happen again.

Tom Seaver: Don’t want it to happen again. You have been cancelled! [ laughs ] Yeah, you’re right! [ moves along ]

Well, we’ve got a couple of chipmunks here, I guess.. Brad and Robin.. maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if we did get cancelled, I don’t know.. [ moves along ] Pisco! Old buddy Pisco! How you doing, buddy?

Joe Piscopo: How you doing, Tom?

Tom Seaver: I know you feel badly out here, you guys have been in the trenches working hard all week, you must feel pretty disappointed about all this, huh?

Joe Piscopo: Uh, not really, Tom, you know I’ve never seen “Abbot & Costello Meet Frankenstein”, you know? I’m looking forward to seeing that, Bela Lugosi’s in that one, you know?

Tom Seaver: I think he is, you’re right. What’s going through your mind right now?

Joe Piscopo: Well, I’d like to kill the guy playing that organ.

Tom Seaver: [ laughs ] I don’t think I’d blame you! [ the rain slows down ] You know what, wait a minute, wait a minute.. Hold on here.. it is. It is letting up! Holy cow, we might get this one in! Look at it! Hey, they’re rolling out the carpet, the crew’s coming out! I think Luciano wants to play this one!

Ron Luciano: [ final call decided ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts