Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

MySpace Seminar

Teacher…..Andy Samberg
Soccer Mom…..Julia Louis Dreyfus
Chadster1991…..Seth Meyers
Bill…..Bill Hader
9thGradeSk8terBoi…..Horatio Sanz
NaughtyGirlHotStuff…..Will Forte
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Chris…..Chris Parnell
Police Officer…..Finesse Mitchell

[ open on exterior, The Learning Annex ]

[ dissolve to interior, classroom, as Teacher addresses his class in a close-up ]

Teacher: What’s up, everybody? I am pumped to welcome you to the Learning Annex’s MySpace and You seminar. Today we’re going to help you guys set up a MySpace page, so you an communicate with mroe than 6 million young people currently in the MySpace community. Okay, let’s get started. [ squints his eyes ] You know, this is a slightly older group than I was expecting.

[ show the class, a soccer mom surrounded by a group of sleazy-looking adult men ]

Soccer Mom: [ looks around, giggles ] Uh – well, I admit i’m not here to start my own MySpace page, but my daughter is spending all of her time on it, so I thought I should see what all this hullabaloo is about!

Teacher: Okay. And the rest of you?

Chadster1991: ..What she said?

Other Men: Yeah – yeah – what the lady said – that’s it!

Teacher: Fair enough. Uh – now, the first step in creating your MySpace page is to fill out your profile – things like your name, sex, and age.

Bill: Now, with the age thing – could my, uh, “child” put a different age than his actual age.

Teacher: Yeah, I guess he could.

Bill: MySpace doesn’t have a way to police that?

Teacher: Not really.

Bill: So, if my “son” was.. forty-five.. he could say he was fifteen?

Teacher: Your son is forty-five?

Bill: I said, if he was forty-five. It’s hypothetical.

Teacher: Well, yeah, technically he could say any age he wanted. But why would he do that?

9thGradeSk8terBoi: Well, sometimes people from one age group feel more comfortable around people of another age group. Um – maybe he wants to put what age his soul is, and.. not what age he actually is.

[ the other men agree with his valid point ]

Soccer Mom: Well, um, I am always worried that my daughter and her friends are putting older ages – you know, so they could seem more mature. Do you gentlemen have the same worries with your kids?

[all the men stare at the women, until finally one of them hesitantly speaks up ]

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: Y-yes?

Teacher: Alright, you can also fill in things like your taste in music or your favorite movies. This way, you can meet people with similar tastes.

Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] Oh! My goodness! This music my daughter listens to – I don’t know how she listens to it! It must be a generational thing.

Chadster1991: Uh, I have a question.

Teacher: Yeah, go ahead.

Chadster1991: What kind of music does your daughter listen to?

Soccer Mom: Oh, uh, let’s see, what does she – oh, she listens to a lot of this band called.. Fall Out Boy.

[ all the men simultaneously type the information into their laptop computers ]

Teacher: Okay, uh – now, let’s move on —

Jason: I’m sorry – real quick. Is “Fall Out Boy” one, two, or three words?

Soccer Mom: Oh. I don’t know. [ laughs ]

Bill: I found it! It’s three words!

[ all the men simultaneously type this new information into their laptop computers ]

Teacher: Another fun part of MySpace is picking out a screen name. One common approach is to use some variation of your name and the year that you were born. So, for instance, mine is: DJDanny1979. It’s a good way to give people a little more info on who you are.

Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t want to “date” myself, fellas, but.. you can call me Nancy1966!

Teacher: Nice work. Alright. Let’s see what else we got here. [ walks over to Chadster1991 ] Chadster1991?

Chadster1991: One-thousand nine-hundred ninety-one is my favorite number.

Teacher: Okay, well, Chad —

Chadster1991: My name is Larry.

Teacher: Okay, Larry. Well, if you put 1991 on there, it might make people think you’re 15.

Chadster1991: Well, that’s a risk I’m trying to take. I really like the number.

Teacher: Okay. And, what else we got? How about over here? [ walks over to 9thGradeSk8terBoi ] 9thGradeSk8terBoi.

9thGradeSk8terBoi: [ uncomfortably ] Sk8terBoi was my fraternity nickname.

Teacher: Spelled like the Avril Lavigne song?

9thGradeSk8terBoi: Yeah.

Teacher: And why does it say 9thGrade if it was a fraternity nickname?

9thGradeSk8terBoi: [ struggling for a lie ] Um.. because, uh.. I went to college early.. like uh.. Doogie Howser!

Teacher: Okay. Alright. And what do we got over here? [ approaches NaughtyGirlHotStuff ] NaughtyGirlHotStuff. You know, I don’t even want to hear your explanations, but – you should know you’re gonna get a lot of teenaged boys wanting to meet you.

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: [ feigning shock and disdain ] Oh, no.. I don’t want that! Why would I want that? Let me just change that. [ mimes typing on his keyboard ]

Chadster1991: Uh – I have a question?

Teacher: Yeah.

Chadster1991: Let’s say you meet someone on MySpace, and want to arrange to meet them in person.

Teacher: Okay.

Chadster1991: Like, maybe you’re going to meet them at their house.

Teacher: What’s your question?

Chadster1991: What’s the best way to make sure that “Dateline”‘s not going to be there?

Teacher: [ returns to the front of the classroom ] Okay. Uh – I’m just going to race through the rest of this. Uh – you’re going to want to select an avatar, which is a visual representation of yourself. Most people use a picture of themselves.

Chris: Excuse me? Um – I was recently in a “car accident” that “severely” altered my appearance. Is it okay to use a picture of myself from before said “accident”?

Teacher: You can use anything you want – again, MySpace doesn’t really have a way to police that.

Chris: Ex-cellent!

Teacher: Just out of curiosity, what did you look like before your accident?

Chris: Chad Michael Murray.

Teacher: [ skeptical ] You looked like Chad Michael Murray?

Chris: Before the “accident”, yes, much exactly like Chad Michael Murray.

Teacher: And what kind of “accident” was it?

Chris: A severe one.

9thGradeSk8terBoi: I used to look like Ashley Parker Angel!

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: I’ve been told I look like Jessica Alba.

Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] You know what? My son loves her!

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: [ silently ] Yes!

[ suddenly, a police officer enters the room, knocking on the door forcefully after he’s already entered ]

Police Officer: Excuse me!

[ as if on cue, the older male students quickly scoop up their laptops and rush out of the classroom, offering phony excuses like “I think I left the lights on in my car!” ]

Teacher: How can I help you?

Police Officer: Well, I’m gonna teach a community policing class. do you know where Room 904 is?

Teacher: Yeah, down the hall.

Police Officer: Alright, thanks a lot! [ exits classroom ]

[ the Teacher looks at what’s left of his class – the soccer mom and 9thGradeSk8terBoi leaning against the back wall attempting to hide behind a potted plant he holds in front of his face ]

Teacher: You should probably tell your daughter to stay off the internet.

Soccer Mom: Yeah. That’s a – that’s a good idea.

[ zoom out, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Will Forte

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[dissolve to a closeup of Andy standing against a brick building.]

Andy: [panting] I’m gonna DO it! I’m gonna jump!!

[CUT to Will Forte speaking up at him through a bullhorn. Soft, melodramatic music rises in the background.]

Will: [amplified] Sir, come on. You don’t want to do this.

Andy: Yes, I do! I’m gonna do it! I have nothing left to live for!

Will: Come on, think about all the people who care about you.

Andy: Nobody cares about me! None of these people–they just wanna see the freak jump!

Will: Sir, come on. You know that’s not true–

Andy: You don’t understand!

[Andy totters forward and looks about to fall.]

Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, come on!

[Andy backs up against the building again.]

Will: Whatever it is, we can talk about it!

Andy: I love her, man! She broke my heart!

Will: No one person is worth taking your life.

Andy: She was!

Will: Just relax.

Andy: I’m done relaxing!

Will: NO, don’t DO it!!

Andy: No, run away!!

Will: Don’t do it!

Andy: I’m gonna jump!

[CUT abruptly to a wide shot of Will and Andy right next to each other on the sidewalk outside the building. Will kneels and continues shouting into his bullhorn just inches in front of Andy’s face.]

Will: [echoing] Think about it! Do you realize what you’re doing? You don’t want to do this! You do NOT want to DO this!

Andy: [distantly] I do, I do!

[A lone pedestrian, played by Jorma Taccone, walks by and throws them a casual look as they keep shouting.]

Announcer: Through good times and bad.

[CUT to a slide showing a peyote flower. The caption above reads “PEYOTE,” and the caption below reads, “Paid for by The United Peyote Growers Association.” Will’s and Andy’s voices are heard faintly in the background.]

Announcer: Peyote.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

Tech Pack

Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Woman…..Kristin Wiig

[ open on airport terminal, flight departures board ]

[ cut to Woman stumbling out of a taxi cab, as she drops her multiple portable electronic devices ]

[ cut to Man checking his watch inside terminal, as he waits for Woman to arrive. He waves upon seeing her; her cell phone rings, causing her to dro pthe other devices once mroe as she tries to answer the cell phone. ]

Man: Cell phones, Blackberries, MP3 players – it’s too much stuff.

Woman: I know. But I could never give them up.

Man: You don’t have to. Not with the new Tech Pack. [ he opens his jacket to reveal a strap around his waist which holsters all his portable electronic devices – not unlike a bomb strap ] It’s all right here. I’ve got my Blacberry, my MP3 player, both my cell phones, and a digital camera. With plenty of pouches left over for any other electronic equipment I might want to add.

Woman: Boy, that really would make my life a lot easier!

Man: And, get this – you can control the whole pack with one easy-to-use remote control wire. [ holds up a cord-like wire, with his thumb positioned firmy over the single red button on the end ]

Woman: One wire! That really makes sense! I’m gonna get myself a Tech Pack – right after we catch this plane.

Man: Hold on, I got it.

[ his Tech Pack bouncing over his stomach, the Man proceeds to run like a maniac past the crowd and in the direction of the entrance to the plane. Other people scream, as Security frantically holds the crowd back. ]

Man: Hold the plane! hold the plane!

[ he jumps over someone’s luggage, as the scene freezes ]

Announcer: Tech Pack. You’ll be blown away.

[ Music Out: “The Letter”, by The Box Tops ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 20th, 2006

Kevin Spacey

Nelly Furtado

None

Timbaland

Jorma Taccone

John Lutz
Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) discusses the Mexican border patrol issue with Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) and a glad-not-to-be-in-Iraq National Guard soldier (Kenan Thompson), as well as the New England floods with an irate housewife (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Anderson Cooper, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Montage

Kevin Spacey’s MonologueSummary: Kevin Spacey vamps it up for an over-the-top “American Idol” demonstration.

First Hosted: 96j.

Two A-Holes at a Crime SceneSummary: The Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) make for poor witnesses at the crime scene of a stolen vehicle.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.

Transcript

Oprah Winfrey’s Legends Ball SpecialSummary: Oprah Winfrey (Maya Rudolph) hosts an all-star salute dedicated to the many, many African-American women who have inspired her life.

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Patti LaBelle, Maya Angelou, John Travolta, Tom Cruise.

Carol!Summary: Jim (Jason Sudeikis) and Amanda (Amy Poehler) set up his dad (Kevin Spacey) with Carol (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s latest cartoon shows off a collection of “All-New Presidential Outtakes,” which features everyone from the Speaker of the House to a deer performing a spit take whenever President George W. Bush delivers a speech.

The Usual SuspectsSummary: When Kevin Spacey demands to know why Andy Samberg is late arriving at the studio, the mockful featured player fabricates a story right before his unsuspecting eyes.

Nelly Furtado with Timbaland performs “Promiscuous”Timbaland First Performed: 97m.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: “American Idol” contender Taylor Hicks (Jason Sudeikis) comes knocking on the Update door. After a clip from her first Weekend Update, Tina Fey delivers her second Women’s News commentary and projects new predictions for Britney Spears. Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) rounds up a group of recurring characters to celebrate Tina Fey’s 180th episode.

Recurring Characters: Taylor Hicks, Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, Frondi.

The FalconerSummary: Complications abound when Ken “The Falconer” Mortimer (Will Forte) is visited by his future self (Kevin Spacey) in an attempt to prevent Donald from being shot by a hunter (Maya Rudolph). When the mission fails, they bungle their way further and further back in time with a growing army of their former selves for a series of near-misses at saving Donald’s life.

Recurring Characters: Ken “The Falconer” Mortimer.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg stars in “Andy Walking”, a zany segment in which he exploits the “stupidity” of ordinary people by asking them simple questions that they actually give the correct answers to.

Transcript

Legends of HistorySummary: A profile of Phillip Sarc (Kevin Spacey), the man who heralded the Dawn of Sarcasm.

Transcript

Nelly Furtado performs “Maneater”First Performed: 00i.

Neil Young: I Do Not Agree With Many of This Administration’s PoliciesSummary: Neil Young’s (Kevin Spacey) latest album subtlely expresses his opposition for the Bush administration.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Head LiceSummary: Insert live roaches in your hair to get rid of lice.

TV Land Variety VaultSummary: A lost television recording from 1960 features spookish Vincent Price (Bill Hader) hosting a Memorial Day special with guests Carol Channing (Kristin Wiig) and Jack Lemmon (Kevin Spacey), and Alfred Hitchcock (Horatio Sanz) appearing in a commercial for “Psycho.”

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Jack Lemmon, Alfred Hitchcock.

The Noodle ManSummary: A couple (Will Forte, Rachel Dratch) receive assistance with their spaghetti dinner from the Noodle Man (Kevin Spacey).

Iron ManSummary: An astronaut (Kevin Spacey) disrupts his crew’s space flight by playing Ozzy Osbourne’s “Iron Man.”

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A cop (Andy Samberg) has a difficult time eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.

Denver International AirportSummary: A pair of American Indians (Horatio Sanz, Fred Armisen) sell good luck items to travelers at the Denver International Airport.

Jimmy Zerillo’s ZooSummary: Jimmy Zerillo (Fred Armisen) announces the grand re-opening of his zoo, now featuring taller fences to keep the dogs from escaping.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado

Two A-Holes at a Crime Scene

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Detective Kelly…..Kevin Spacey
Mr. Jenkins…..Chris Parnell
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig

[FADE IN on a slide which looks like police tape with title captions on it.]

Announcer: [cheerfully] And now, “Two A-Holes at a Crime Scene.”

[FADE to travel agent reading a folder at his desk. He looks up to see two people walking inside.]

Detective Kelly: Well, don’t worry, Mr. Jenkins – we’ll get your car back. Luckily, we’ve got two witnesses here who saw the guy that stole your car.

Mr. Samson: Thank you for your help, Detective.

Detective Kelly: Oh, no problem. Officer Samson will drive you home now.

[ the two men part ways, as Detective Kelly steps over toward the Two A-Holes ]

Detective Kelly: Hello there. I’m Detective Kelly. Thanks for sticking around. This shouldn’t take too long.

Male A-Hole: You really a cop?

Detective Kelly: Yes, sir.

Female A-Hole: [ focused on a handheld electronic device ] Then, where’s your outfit?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, where’s your hat?

Detective Kelly: Well, I don’t wear a uniform. I’m a detective, see? You mind if I ask you a few questions?

Male A-Hole: [ to his wife ] You mind, babe?

Female A-Hole: I don’t care.

Male A-Hole: We don’t care.

Detective Kelly: Alright. Well, why don’t you tell me exactly what you saw.

Male A-Hole: What’d you see, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ now busy playing with her hair ] What?

Male A-Hole: The crime.

Female A-Hole: The what?

Male A-Hole: The crime!

Female A-Hole: [ to Detective Kelly ] Can I have one of your doughnuts?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, I’ll take one with sprinkles.

Detective Kelly: [ remains stone-faced for a moment ] I don’t have any doughnuts.

Male A-Hole: He ate ’em all, babe.

Detective Kelly: I didn’t eat them! I’m sorry! Did you see the car get stolen, or not?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, some guy took it.

Detective Kelly: Great! Was he alone?

Male A-Hole: Was he alone, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ now busy playing with her fingernails ] ..Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, he was alone.

Detective Kelly: Okay now – did you get a good look at the perpetrator.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I saw him, I saw him. Yeah. [ to his wife ] you see the perpetrator, babe? [ she stares at him for a beat without saying a word ] you saw the perp, right, babe? [ she again looks at him without saying a word, as the stone-faced Detective Kelly watches helplessly ] Babe? Perp? [ more responseless stares ] Perp, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ greatly annoyed ] Yah!

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we saw him.

Detective Kelly: Great. What did he look like?

Male A-Hole: What’d he look like, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ to Detective Kelly ] Can you make copies of my keys?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re going out of town tomorrow.

Detective Kelly: I’m not a locksmith. I can’t make copies of your keys! Just describe the guy, then you can go about your business!

Female A-Hole: I want to wait ’til the news gets here.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re gonna wait for the news

Detective Kelly: Look! It’s a stolen vehicle, ma’am. It doesn’t make the news!

Female A-Hole: It would if a baby stole it.

[ Male A-Hole points proudly at his wife ]

Detective Kelly: Look! You two are the only witnesses that we have, so I’d really appreciate a little help!

Female A-Hole: I remember.

Male A-Hole: Hey, buddy – we got it.

Detective Kelly: Great. So what did he look like?

Female A-Hole: He looked like Jesus.

Male A-Hole: You, uh – you know what Jesus looks like?

Detective Kelly: Yes, I know what Jesus looks like! So, you’re saying he had long hair and a beard? [ begins to write the description in his notepad ]

[ Female a-Hole shakes her head lightly ]

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s shaking her head.

Detective Kelly: Yeah, I can see that.

Male A-Hole: Uh-huh. That means “no.”

Detective Kelly: Yeah! I went to school, I know what it means! so, then why did he look like Jesus?

Female A-Hole: He was wearing sandals.

Male A-Hole: [ nods in agreement ] Like Jesus.

Female A-Hole: They were ugly.

Detective Kelly: Could you see his face?

Male A-Hole: You see his face, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Detective Kelly: So.. what.. did.. he.. look like?

Female A-Hole: He looked like a rabbit.

Detective Kelly: He looked.. like a rabbit? What the hell does that mean?

Female A-Hole: Can we get the reward now?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, when do we get paid?

Detective Kelly: You don’t get a reward.

Male A-Hole: Alright, we don’t get paid tonight, babe! [ to Detective Kelly ] It probably comes in the mail, right? Cashier’s check?

Detective Kelly: No! There’s no cashier’s check!

Male A-Hole: Oh, right, right, right – it’s all direct deposit now, huh?

Detective Kelly: No! No, no! There’s no reward!

Male A-Hole: Oh? ‘Cause you gotta catch him first?

Detective Kelly: NO! NO! There’s no reward!! SHUT UP!! Now, you either start answering my questions, or I’ll arrest the two of you for obstruction of justice!

Female A-Hole: Do you know Inspector Gadget?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, what’s his deal?

Detective Kelly: [ exasperated ] That’s it! You’re coming with me!

Male A-Hole: He’s driving us home, babe.

Detective Kelly: No! I am not driving you home!

Female A-Hole: Can we stop for a Spray Tan?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s wearing a skirt tonight.

Detective Kelly: Alright, enough!! [ his cell phone rings; he answers it ] Yeah! What? You did? Great. Thanks! [ hangs up ] Well, they caught the guy – looks like you two lucked out. I gotta go interrogate Jesus the Rabbit. [ storms away from the two A-Holes ]

Female A-Hole: [ as they walk off in the opposite direction ] He was funny.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, he sure was.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado

Carol!

Jim…..Jason Sudeikis
Jerry…..Kevin Spacey
Amanda…..Amy Poehler
Carol…..Horatio Sanz
Waiter…..Seth Meyers

(Opens with the Buona Sera restaurant, cut to theinside of it. Jim, Amanda and Jim´s dad Jerry aresharing a table)

Jim: It´s good to see you dad.

Jerry: Well, it´s good to see too, Jim.

Amanda: You know, we´re sorry things with you andDenise didn´t work out.

Jerry: Well, you know your stepmother and I had a goodrun but people grow apart. I´m just worried at thispoint on my life I may never find true love again.

Amanda: Ohhh, don´t think that way. Love has a way ofwalking through the door when you least expect it. (Inwalks beautiful overweight blondie Carol)

Carol: Hey!, Hey!, Hey!

Amanda: Carol!

Jingle:
“And then there´s Carol!
(Carol´s shy smile)
And then there´s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying: “Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky, right on, Carol!”
(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol: I´M CAROL!

(Returns to restaurant scene)

Jerry: Who is this enchanting creature?!

Jim: I don´t know anything about that but this lady´sname is Carol.

Carol: I´M CAROL!

Jerry: Well, it´s a rare pleasure to meet you Carol.

Amanda: Carol, what are you doing here?

Carol: Uhhh, I was using the bathroom while I waitedfor my takeout. This place has the cleanest restroomsin all New York. Or at least they used to. Ha! I´MCAROL!

Jerry: Well, why don´t you have a drink with us whileyou´re waiting?

Carol: Don´t mind if I do. Excuse me! (Pushes guy nextto them on his ass and takes his chair, joins thetable)

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?

Carol: I´ll have a Dunkin Donuts choconillafrapuccino.

Waiter: Well ma´am as I explained to you several timesthrough the bathroom door. You can only get that drinkat Dunkin Donuts.

Carol: Ok, how about a soup bowl full of Bailey´s andrumplemintz?

Jerry: My, my Carol that sounds delightful.

Carol: Ohhh! Who is this Armand Assante impersonator?

Jim: That´s my dad, Jerry.

Carol: He´s total DILF! (naughty laugh, Amanda tries tofigure out what DILF means-Dad I Love to F*ck)

Amanda: Oh, ok I´m gonna go freshen up in the ladie´sroom.

Carol: I wouldn´t if I were you.

Waiter: Here is your drink (brings soup bowl) and yourtake out order. (brings big brown paper bag)

Jim: Well, it was nice seeing you Carol.

Waiter: She´s not going anywhere. This is just thefirst part. (leaves)

Amanda: So Carol, Jerry is an antiques dealer.

Jerry: Yes, I think things are a lot more beautifulwhen they had a little wear and tear.

Carol: Oh, then I think I got a few body parts you´denjoy. (Kevin is about to crack up, waiter brings twomore takeout paper bags)

Jim: So…

Waiter: Halfway there. (leaves)

Carol: Thank you.

Jerry: You are an ethereal spirit Carol. You know, inall my years in the antiques business I´ve learnedthings that…well, you have to have patience.Sometimes when you want a certain piece you have towait years for the market to go down.

Carol: Well, you have to wait two minutes for me to godown. (Kevin cracks up) AAAAHHH!!! I´M CAROL!

Jerry: And I´m JEEEEERRY! Oh, Carol I feel like I´mlatched to the mast trying in vain to resist yoursiren song.

Carol: Ohhhh, you talk like Hannibal Lector.

Jerry: What can I say? I love what I do! Just lastweek I found the most amazing chest of drawers.

Jim: Wait!…let me guess Carol. You play with mychest, I´ll drop my drawers?

Jerry: Hey! I did not raise you to talk like that!There are ladies present! I apologize for my son.Anyway Carol, you were saying?

Carol: I was saying….you play with my chest, I´lldrop my drawers!

Jerry: Enchanting! (Kevin cannot contain his laughteranymore) So Carol… (fights to control laughter) tellme…a little about yourself. What do you do? (Caroltakes sip from soup bowl)

Carol: I´m a model.

Jerry: Really!?

Carol: Yeah, I´m a model for plus-sized coffins. I laythere and they take pictures for mortician´s catalogs.

Jerry: Well, that is fascinating. I´d love to seethose shots. I´d love to hear more about that. Maybeyou and I can go someplace a little quieter?

Carol: Well, I happen to know the ladies room is underrepairs. Buuut, ah, I think the men´s room isavailable. Good news! (takes out little packet) Ibrought my own Levitra!Wooooo!!! (Jerry and Carol leaveholding hands, waiter brings moving tray with six moretakeout brown paper bags)

Jim: Yeah, I think we´ll take it.

Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol! (Carol runs in fast grabs 3of the bags)

Jingle:
“And then there´s Carol!
(Carol´s shy smile)
And then there´s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying: “Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy skanky, right on Carol!”
(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol: I´M CAROL!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Anderson Cooper 360

Anderson Cooper…..Seth Meyers
Ray Nagin…..Finesse Mitchell
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler

Anderson Cooper: The Mayor of New Orleans and the Senator from New York, both defending racially-charged statements. I’m anderson Cooper. See the news reflected in the shimmering blue pools that are my eyes. 360 starts now.

[ opening montage rolls, then returns on Anderson ]

Anderson Cooper: Thank you. Good evening. We begin tonight in New Orleans, a city still stung by Hurricane Katrina. A city I am no stranger to. A city which I spent a lot of time, post-hurricane. Pretty moving stuff, if you remember – and I think you do. Monday, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin made comments, saying that “God caused Hurricane Katrina” because of the U.S.’s Iraq policy, and he continued to say that New Orleans needed to be rebuilt as a “Chocolate City.” Joining us now, is Mayor Ray Nagin.

Ray Nagin: [ on satellite ] Thank you, Anderson.

Anderson Cooper: Now, Mr. Mayor, how do you expect your white constituents to react to your comments that New Orleans needs to rebuild itself as a Chocolate City?

Ray Nagin: Well, Anderson, unfortunately, this country has many deep-seated issues about race. So much so, that, when I used the term “chocolate,” people immediately think I meant black. But, in fact, I meant delicious.

Anderson Cooper: So, you’re saying New Orleans needs to rebuild itself as a “delicious” city?

Ray Nagin: Yes, Anderson. See, for the past few months, when people hear New Orleans, they think, “Oh, that’s bad.” But we need to get into a place where people say, “Mmm. That’s good!” We need to get delicious, Anderson!

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Mayor, I have to say, this is a sort of, uh, political double-speak is not appreciated. You know, if anything, now is the time for straight talk.

Ray Nagin: Anderson. Anderson, let me make something perfectly clear: I’m a crazy person. Alright? Now, don’t forget I’m crazy just because I’m the Mayor. You know? I was crazy before the hurricane hit, and, if anything, it made me crazier!

Anderson Cooper: Joining us now, the Rev. Jesse Jackson. [ show Jackson on satellite ] Uh, Reverand, as a black leader, how do you feel about the idea of a Chocolate City?

Jesse Jackson: Anderson. I love chocolate. But a city cannot be sweet-specific. New Orleans must become a dessert cart. With a mosaic of sweets. You must have chocolate. As well as vanilla. So the dessert cart.. can roll on. You must have caramel, representing the skin tone of Hispanics. And custard, for Asians. And the dessert cart.. rolls on. There must be a creme-brulee, for the French-speaking Creoles. And tiramisu, should there be, around any Italians anywhere! And the dessert.. rolls on. Anderson, we must find room in our bellies for baked Alaska, should, for some unforeseen reason, an Eskimo want to move to the new New Orleans! And the dessert cart.. rolls on! And on! It’s TIME to make the doughnuts!! The dessert cart.. rolls on!

Anderson Cooper: [ stunned ] Joining us now, is New York senator Hillary Clinton. Good evening, Senator.

Hillary Clinton: [ on satellite ] Good to be here, Anderson!

Anderson Cooper: Now, Senator Clinton, you said on Monday that Congress is being run like a plantation. Care to explain yourself?

Hillary Clinton: [ ridiculously chipper and upbeat ] Absolutely, Anderson! No one seems to realize that I was talking to a predominantly black audience!

Anderson Cooper: [ blinks ] How does that explain your comments?

Hillary Clinton: Isn’t it obvious? I was pandering! I wanted to paint the Republican Majority in the worst possible light to a black audience. That meant my options were “plantation” or “haunted house.” I was afraid not enough people would get “haunted house”, so I went with “plantation”!

Anderson Cooper: I see.

Hillary Clinton: If it were a Jewish audience, I would have said they were running Congress “like a concentration camp!” A Hispanic audience, I would have said it was like “being run by a landscaping company!” Gay audience – “figure skating coach.”

Anderson Cooper: [ shakes his head ] Wow. Final thoughts. Mayor Nagin?

Ray Nagin: I know a lot of people are angry that I implied “God caused Hurricane Katrina,” but, for al lwe know, He did! Now, let’s remember, it’s impossible to know what God is thinking. God created the giraffe – and you can’t tell me that is one ridiculous animal! [ laughs and smiles ]

Anderson Cooper: Senator Clinton?

Hillary Clinton: In closing, let me just say: “Congress is being run like a mismanaged hedge fund.” That was for you white people!

Anderson Cooper: Great. Rev. Jackson?

Jesse Jackson: We must think of New Orleans like a box of crayons. Remembering to discard colors like Aquamarine.. Magenta.. and Purple. Because those colors would look terrifying.. and human skin.

Anderson Cooper: [ blinks rapidly ] Great. Coming up next – Larry King spends an in-depth hour with someone you were pretty sure was probably dead. And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Nelson Baby Toupees

Mr. Nelson…..Bill Hader

[ open on various babies playing together in a nursery. Most of the babies have hair, except for one baby who sits off to the side. ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: The first months of a child’s life are a special time. As your baby acquires the skills of social interaction, impressions are made that will last a lifetime.

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: Unfortunately, this baby [ show the bald baby ] – and millions of other male babies just like him – spend months suffering through the shame and disgrace associated with male infantile baldness.

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: It’s a scientific fact that males lag developmentally behind females. Add Male Infantile Baldness, and that means low self-esteem, decreased confidence, and even lowered social status.

[ show bald baby sitting alone in the nursery ]

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: Is that what you want for your child?

[ cut to Mr. Nelson walking through the science laboratory ]

Mr. Nelson: That’s why our scientists at Nelson Pediatrics developed these – baby toupees. [ show slide of three babies wearing toupees ] Thanks to our patented technology, and the cooperation of the Chinese government, we can now take an adult-sized toupee and adapt it to fit your baby’s head. It’s fake hair with real results.

[ cut to the baby wearing a toupee ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: Look at this child. Bursting with self-esteem, oozing with confidence. Now look at him two weeks ago. [ show a Before photo, with no hair; dissolve to the After photo, with a toupee ] He’s like a brand new person. And the best part is: you can’t even tell it’s fake!

[ show the toupeed baby playing with the other babies in the nursery ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: Hey, look at Mr. Popular! Now he’s king of the play date. He looks good, and he knows it. Isn’t that what every parent wants?

[ cut to Mr. Nelson standing ]

Mr. Nelson: I should know. I’m not only the President of Nelson’s Baby Toupees. [ a toupeed baby is handed to him ] I’m also a client.

[ cut to product display ]

Announcer: Nelson’s Baby Toupees. Frmo the good people who brought you Baby Beards.

[ cut back to Mr. Nelson looking into the camera ]

Mr. Nelson: You gave him life. Now give him confidence.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Carol!

Carol…..Horatio Sanz
Amanda…..Amy Poehler
Jim…..Jason Sudeikis
Efrem Herrington…..Peter Saasgaard
Waiter…..Bill Hader

(Opens with the outside of a museum loft number 530,dissolves to the inside of it)

Jim: Hey, congratulations on opening your new gallery.

Efrem: Thank you.

Jim: You’re welcome.

Efrem: Thank you. It’s a lifelong dream.

Amanda: Oh, sorry I’m late.

Jim: Honey, where you’ve been?

Amanda: I had to pick up a friend. Her car broke down.

Jim: Wait, wait, wait. Who?

(in comes beatiful overweight blondie Carol)

Carol: Hey!, hey!, hey!

Amanda: Carol!

Carol: Bring on the whore d’ourves! Because this whoredeserves some food! I’M CAROL!!

Jingle:
“And then there’s Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on, Carol!”

(Carol dances wildly and then poses)

Carol:I’M CAROL!!

(back to scene)

Amanda: Carol, yeah–

Carol: Oh, hi Jim.

Jim: Hi, Carol.

Amanda: Carol broke down on the west side highway.

Carol: Yeah, my Kia Spectra ran out of gas, I on theother hand have not. Does anyone have any Imodium AD?I’M CAROL!!

Efrem: Let me just go see if we have anything in theback.

Carol: Oh, no! You’re staying right here! Good thing Ionly had two dinners or else I wouldn’t have room forthis slice of beefcake. Who are you?

Amanda: Carol, this is Efrem Herrington. He owns thegallery.

Carol: Maui! Waui!, you put up all this paintingsyourself?

Efrem: Yes, I hung many of them with my own two hands.

Carol: Oohh! I’ll like to see how you’re hung with myown two hands!

Jim and Amanda: Carol.

Efrem: No, I find such forwardness to be most, howshould I put it? Intoxicating quality. It took myyears to mount this show.

Carol: Really, I’ll show you how to mount me in abouttwo seconds!

Efrem: Yes, quite. That’s what I was hoping you wouldsay. Your rapier wit delights me!

Carol: Oohh! Thank you.

Waiter: Would anyone like some pate? (brings tray)

Carol: Oh, yeah let me see. Don’t mind if I do.(startseating pate from cracker) Mmmmmmmmmm!! Uuuuughh!! Thistaste like cat food!!

Efrem: Oh, I do sincerely apologize, Carol.

Carol: Why? I love cat food!!

Efrem: You are truly ethereal!

Carol: Oh, thank you.

Jim: Okeydoke, how about I head over the bar and getus some drinks, all right?

Carol: Ok, yeah uuuummm. Let’s see what you can getme. Something simple. How about a Dannon Frusionsmoothie with a shot of rumplemintz up in there.

Jim: All right, you know I think we’re gonna need togo to the grocery store for that, Carol. But, let mesee what I can do.(Heads to the bar and is grabbedviolently by Carol)

Carol: BY SHOT I MEAN THE WHOLE BOTTLE!!

Jim: Oww, you’re crushing me.

Amanda: Let me give you a hand. (Amanda and Jim go tothe bar leaving Efrem and Carol alone)

Efrem: So Carol, let me into your world a little bit.What do you do?

Carol: I work for Oscar Meyer.

Efrem: The hot dog manufacturer.

Carol: Yeah, I drive around in that giant wienermobile. Yeah, I take it to state fairs and grocerystore openings.

Efrem: Oh, that must be exhilarating! Riding around inthat giant hot dog.

Carol: Not as exhilarating as riding on a giant hotdog!(lusty laugh)

Efrem: Carooool, you are a dream. I’ve seen some ofthe most beautiful works of art the world has to offerbut none of them can hold a candle to the shinninglight that emanates from your soul and the poetry thatcomes from your mouth.

Carol: Ooohh!! You talk like channel 13!

Efrem: PBS.

Carol: PBS?

Efrem: Yes, but my mind is on a different kind of PBS.(in her ear) My Protuding Bone Situation.

Carol: Whoooo!! Hoooo!!

Jim: Carol, here you go. No Dannon Frusion smoothiesoddly enough, they did have some rumplemintz so, knockyourself out.(gives her the bottle)

Carol: Ok, thank you.(gulps from the bottle)Mmmmmm,oooohhh!, ooooohhhh!(cracks up a little bit)I need touse the ladies room. You know what I mean?

Amanda: You need to powder your nose, Carol?

Carol: No, I’m gonna toke a spliffie and push one outin the handicap bathroom.

Efrem: I second that emotion. We are out of here. Andby out of here I mean if the ladies room is a-rockingdon’t come a-knocking. (leaves with Carol holdinghands, stops and comes back) Seriously, don’t knock ifyou hear us doing crazy stuff in there, just leave.Chin-chin(touch glasses)

Jim: Chin-chin.

Amanda: Oh, boy.

Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol!

Jingle:
“And then there’s Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on, Carol!”

(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol:I’M CAROL!!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Fairmont Suites Inn

Rick…..Peter Sarsgaard
Barb…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on dark hotel room, as Rick, a business man on a business trip, enters. The TV is on before he enters, playing the annoying promotional “Welcome to Fairmont Suites Inn” video. Rick turns on the lights and puts down his luggage. ]

[ a close-up of the video shows Barb Gavin of Hospitality speaking in a chipper, upbeat tone guaranteed to irritate a weary traveler ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located conveniently off Route 70, just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport. To watch TV, hit “TV” now. [ a graphic of the remote control appears in her upper corner ] To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits, such as “Skeleton Key,” “Monster-in-Law,” and “Are We There Yet?”, select the “Movies” button on your remote – now!

[ Rick attempts to turn the TV off manually, but nothing happens. He searches the drawer and other areas throughout the room for the remote. ]

Barb (on TV): Your enjoyment is important to us. While you’re here, try our fitness room, now with free weights, jump ropes, and [ her voice jumps an octave ] complimentary apples! Want to mind your business? Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

[ Rick sits on the bed and dials the number for the front desk ]

Barb (on TV): Looking for fun? Try our Caliente Club Lounge for drinks and appetizers.

Rick: Hey, I can’t find my TV remote? [ he’s placed on hold ]

Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance? Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night ’til nine. Wow! Look at those shrimp!

[ Rick sits on hold, as he waits for someone at the front desk to take his call ]

Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and never use the elevator.

Rick: Yeah. Okay, well, if you can find one, can you send it up? That’d be great. Thank you. [ hangs up ]

Barb (on TV): Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say, “What are you looking for? Great! We’ve got that!”

Rick: Unless it’s a remote.

[ the spiel begins anew, as Rick removes his jacket and attempts to lie down across the bed ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located —

[ the camera zooms in on the digital clock on the nightstand. The time is 9:21. ]

[ dissolve to the TV, as the advertisement starts over. It appears to be some time later in the evening. ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood —

Rick: [ wakes up from his nap ] Oh, thanks, Barb..!

Barb (on TV): — Located conveniently off Route 70, just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport.

Rick: [ sarcastically ] That’s good to know.

Barb (on TV): To watch TV, hit “TV” now.

Rick: Yeah, don’t rub it in, Barb.

Barb (on TV): To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits, such as “Skeleton Key,” “Monster-in-Law,” and “Are We There Yet?” —

Rick: Oh! And porn, too, Barb. Don’t forget there’s porn in there!

Barb (on TV): — select the “Movies” button on your remote – now! Your enjoyment is important to us.

Traveler: You’re a liar, Barb!

Barb (on TV): While you’re here, try our fitness room, now with free weights, jump ropes, and [ her voice jumps an octave ] complimentary apples!

[ Rick jumps to his feet and jiggles the TV, hoping to be able to turn it off ]

Barb (on TV): Want to mind your business?

Rick: [ exhausted ] Come on..

Barb (on TV): Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

[ Rick slaps the top of the TV set, as the picture accidentally disappears. He reaches around to the back of the TV to pull the wires, as Barb continues to deliver her pitch. ]

Barb (on TV): Looking for fun..? [ Rachel Dratch begins to crack-up from off-screen ]

[ Peter Sarsgaard also begins to crack-up just a bit ]

Rick: Yeah, dial-up internet! Is it 1994 already?

Barb (on TV): Try our Caliente Club Lounge..! [ trying to stifle her laughter ] For drinks and appetizers..!

Rick: Yeah, I really am!

Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance?

Rick: [ still trying to control his laughter ] Only in my women!

[ the image has now returned to the TV screen, and Rachel Dratch is laughing so hard that she’s on the verge of tears ]

Barb (on TV): Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night ’til nine!

Rick: Yeahh, it’s closed, Barb!

Barb (on TV): Wow!! Look at those shrimp!!

Rick: That is just rude, and you know it!

Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and never use the elevator!

Rick: Fine! Don’t yell at me.

[ Rick retreats to his bed, as the top of a Stagehand’s head can be seen creeping across the bottom of the screen ]

Barb (on TV): Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say, “What are you looking for?” [ she pauses in wait of his response ]

Rick: Shrimp! Porn! And an elevator!

[ Peter Sarsgaard shamelessly laughs out loud, knowing the next line of the spiel ]

Barb (on TV): “Great! We’ve got that!”

Rick: No, you don’t, Barb! [ Peter releases his laughter, knowing it’s not going to stop ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn..! [ laughs ] St. Louis-Hazelwood.

Rick: Yeah. [ stands up and walks back to the TV ]

Barb (on TV): [ starts over ] Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn — Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn! St. Louis-Hazelwood!

[ the camera zooms in on the digital clock on the nightstand. The time is now 1:13. ]

[ cut back to Barb on the TV, purportedly later in the night. A “Video 1” tag mysteriously appears at the top left of the screen. ]

Barb (on TV): [ Rick mimics her spiel as she speaks ] Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located conveniently off Route 70 —

Rick: Yeah! How many minutes does it take me to get to the airport?

Barb (on TV): Just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport.

Rick: Fan-tastic! That’s terrific news!

Barb (on TV): To watch TV, hit “TV” now.

Rick: Sure! [ throws his shoe at the TV screen ]

Barb (on TV): To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits —

Rick: Hey, Barb! What do your tattoos say?

Barb (on TV): “Skeleton Key,” “Monster-in-Law,” and “Are We There Yet?”.. select the “Movies” button on your remote – now!

Rick: Baaarb, I think I’m falling in love with you, do you love me?

Barb (on TV): Your enjoyment is important to us —

Rick: Name three things I might find in your blood.

Barb (on TV): — now with free weights, jump ropes, and complimentary apples!

Rick: You’re a dirty bird, Barb, aren’t you?

Barb (on TV): Want to mind your business? Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

Rick: I’m sorry, Barb. Hey – where can I meet a morbidly obese single mother of mixed race?

Barb (on TV): Looking for fun? Try our Caliente Club Lounge for drinks and appetizers.

Traveler: I crave human blood, Barb!

Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance?

Rick: Nooo! Human blood!

Barb (on TV): Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night ’til nine.

Rick: What did you say to your husband on your wedding night, Barb?

[ back on the TV screen, a strange series of numbers – “1080i59.94” appears across the top of the over Barb’s head ]

Barb (on TV): Wow! Look at those shrimp!

Rick: Oh. That must have been painful for you.

Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and —

Rick: Yeah, well, what’s the best way to avoid AIDS?

Barb (on TV): — never use an elevator. [ Rick mimicks her again at this point ] Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say —

Together: “What are you looking for? Great! We’ve got that!” / “Do you want to kill yourself?! Great! We can help!”

[ sitting at the edge of the bed, Rick wearily lowers his head across his knees. Another Stagehand’s head appears at the bottom left of the screen, to place the remote at the foot of the bed. Rick finally discovers the remote on the floor, picks it up and laughs joyously. He presses a button and turns the TV off. He seems relieved as he curls himself across the bed, but he can’t seem to get Barb off his mind, and, thus, flips the TV back on to watch her. ]

Rick: Dammit, Barb, I need you!

Barb (on TV): — free weights, jump ropes, and complimentary apples! I need you, too, Rick!

Rick: [ amazed ] What..?

Barb (on TV): Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

[ Rick moves closer to the TV and prepares to kiss Barb through the screen. Rachel Dratch moves in ahead of cue, as she and Peter licks their tongues across the screen. ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts