Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 4
Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Jean Schmidt…..Rachel Dratch
Steven Jobs…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, its WeekendUpdate, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: Hi, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey, and here are tonights top stories:
Well, all hell broke loose in the House of Representatives last night when Ohio Republican Jean Schmidt was violently booed by her colleagues for implying that Congressman John Murtha was a coward for wanting to pull our troops out of Iraq. Take a look
(Cuts to actual footage of Jean Schmidt)
Jean Schmidt: He asked me to send congress a message, stay the course! He also asked me to send Congressman Murtha a message that cowards cut and run, marines never do.
(Booing beings and grows louder. A gavel can be heard trying to silence the people as well as a man yelling at them)
Danny and the rest of America, and the world want the assurance from this body that we will see this through
Tina Fey: Wow, I haven’t heard booing like that since I quit stripping.
Prior to serving in Congress, John Murtha was a decorated 37 year veteran, where as Jean Schmidt was, Im just guessing from her outfit, a 1970s gymnast.
Schmidt addressed the house later in the evening and retracted her statements. We have that video as well
(Cuts to a video of Rachel Dratch as Jean Schmidt)
Jean Schmidt: My remarks earlier tonight were not directed at any specific member of the house, and certainly not at the honorable gentleman from Pennsylvania, Mr. Murtha. But like the saying goes, if you cant take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.
(Booing begins)
I meant me! I meant that Im the freshman representative here, not Congressman Murtha who has been serving his country with distinction for coons age.
(Booing continues still!)
An expression. I always thought, referred to the longevity of raccoons . Although it occurs to me now that I may have been wrong about that. Donna Brazil, you have my apologies.
(A crumpled up piece of paper is thrown at her)
Hopefully we can all move on from this issue and like the Beatles said, Let it be because I think we all can agree that the Beatles were not that great of a band.
(Booing grows louder and even more pieces of paper are thrown)
Tina Fey: Wow! Jean Schmidt!
Amy Poehler: Wow! She really cannot read the room there!
Tina Fey: Hm um!
Amy Poehler: Hello! Reporter Bob Woodward testified this week that a White House informant revealed the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame to him weeks before her identity was disclosed. And, as he did during Watergate, Woodward nicknamed his informant after the day’s most popular porno movie. Which has everyone wondering, just who is ‘Anal Debutantes #34?
The federal government began investigating allegations of fraud against the Coalition Provisional Authority, a U.S. contractor, accused in a bid-rigging operation involving millions of dollars. Asked to comment, a spokesman for Halliburton said, Millions? With an ‘M?’ That is adorable.
Tina Fey: According to a document released Monday, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito wrote in 1985, that he was proud to support the Regan administrations efforts to ban abortion. Alito has since backed away from that statement saying he made a lot of bad decisions in the 80s.
(Shows a picture of him Alito with very crazy blonde hair, in a white suite and an aqua colored t-shirt with sunglasses hanging from the collar.)
President Bush’s overall approval ratings have hit a new all-time low of 36% with only 34% of Americans saying they find the president trustworthy and 41% saying they believe the President misled the nation about the war in Iraq. If Bush’s numbers don’t improve he could become the first president to be held back and forced to repeat his presidency.
Amy Poehler: On Wednesday, Bill Clinton criticized the Bush administration saying the Iraq war was a big mistake. And whatever your opinion of ex-President Clinton, hes an expert on big mistakes.
(Shows a picture of Monica Lewinsky)
Tina Fey: This year’s Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was chopped down from a property in Wayne, New Jersey and set in place last week. The tree, a 74-foot Norway Spruce, was selected after the first choice, a 75-foot-tall Scotch Pine, tested positive for steroids.
Amy Poehler: We are very honored here at Weekend Update to have a very special guest. Here to talk about the hottest gifts this holiday season, CEO of Apple Computers, Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs: Thank you Amy and Tina. Are you looking for the perfect holiday gift? Well its here, the new iPod.
Tina Fey: Oh! The iPod Nano? I got that one, I love it!
Steve Jobs: Nope!
Amy Poehler: Oh oh! No! Tina, I bet its that new video iPod. Those look really cool; I want to get one of those!
Steve Jobs: No! Those are both obsolete. This one came out just a few minutes ago.
Amy Poehler: A few minutes ago?
Steve Jobs: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, introducing, and Im thrilled about this, the iPod Micro!
(He pulls out an iPod that is no more than an inch tall)
Tina and Amy: Wow!
Steve Jobs: The iPod Micro holds over 50 thousand songs! It has iPhoto, you can watch movies on it, in high definition.
Tina Fey: But we can barely see it.
Steve Jobs: Exactly! Thats exciting!
Amy Poehler: Well I guess, but how are we supposed to watch movies on it?
Steve Jobs: Well, you dont have to worry about that because by Thanksgiving, the iPod Micro will be obsolete!
(He throws it onto the Update desk. Tina and Amy gasp)
Ladies and gentlemen, I am thrilled about this, introducing the new iPod Pequeño.
(He pulls out one that is at least half the size of the iPod Micro)
Tina Fey: When did that come out?
Steve Jobs: Just now! The iPod Pequeño, the smallest iPod yet! It holds a million songs! A million songs! A MILLION SONGS! It has an iCalendar that goes seven thousand years into the future, iPhoto, you can watch movies on this!
Amy Poehler: Geez, you know that things really small.
Tina Fey: And you can watch movies on that?
Steve Jobs: Not any more, because by Christmas, the iPod Pequeño will be obsolete.
(He throws it down on the desk as well)
Amy Poehler: Wait, that iPod was only out for like five seconds.
Steve Jobs: Five seconds too long! It was too big! Ridicules, old, obsolete! But guess what, Im very proud to introduce, and Im thrilled about this, the new iPod Invisa.
(He pulls something out but he is really not holding anything)
Amy Poehler: Okay, wait a minute Steve Jobs, I dont even think youre really holding anything.
Steve Jobs: I am! The iPod Invisa, the perfect stocking stuffer. It holds 8 million songs, every photograph ever taken, Pong. And watch
(He purposely throws it on the desk.)
Steve Jobs: Oops I dropped it, but where did it go, on the ground? No, its floating!
Tina Fey: Steve Jobs everyone.
Amy Poehler: He wasnt holding anything you guys. Thank you Steve.
Tina Fey: A raid by federal, state and local authorities at a Wal-Mart store construction site in Pennsylvania netted 125 arrests for alleged immigration violations. Not surprisingly, they were all found in the ‘Illegal Immigrant Aisle.
Amy Poehler: It was announced this week that Regis Philbin will host a Fox New Year’s show that will air opposite Dick Clark’s show. The difference between the two? (imitating Regis Philbin) More yelling!
A spokeswoman for Michael Jackson said the pop star never intended to use the ladies room in a Dubai Mall, he just did not recognize the Arabic sign on the door. In fairness though, this is the Arabic symbol for a ladies room.
(Shows a sign with a person that resembles Jackson)
Fox is concerned about possible fines from the FCC after a scene in last week’s ‘The OC’ in which Mischa Barton’s nipple briefly slipped out of her shirt, most likely in search of food.
Tina Fey: The Vegetarian Society of England gave this year’s award for best restaurant to the Rainbow Cafi in Cambridge. Read the full reviews in this month’s issue of vegetarian magazine ‘So Very Weak.
A 15-year-old boy who married the 37-year-old mother of one of his friends, said that the relationship was consensual and that he is in love with her…boobies.
Amy Poehler: A school in suburban Detroit removed the song ‘Pick A Bale of Cotton’ from a middle school concert after a black parent complained that it glorified slavery. To be fair, it was the Stephen Foster Middle School For Glorifying Slavery.
According to a new study, machines will take over from humans as the biggest users of the Internet. Thanks to new technology that allows machines to masturbate.
For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[cheers and applause as Amy and Tina wave to the camera; fade]
Submitted by: Margaret Edwards
Air Date:
Summary: To celebrate the re-lighting of the tree in Rockefeller Center, a holiday choir sings religiously-neutral carols that won’t run the risk of offending viewers who don’t celebrate Christmas.
Summary: Dane Cook performs stand-up on a variety of topics that includes photography and bouncing cashews off his penis.
Summary: Members of the West Bedford High School Drama Club re-enactment the morning announcements to the student body.
Summary: The world’s largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another.
Summary: Feeling somber over his gaffes during the Giants game, Jay Feely (Dane Cook) nearly gets a chance to redeem himself on the ride home when the airplane pilot (Chris Parnell) suddenly takes ill.
Summary: Keith (Dane Cook) works himself into a frenzy at a Christmas party while waiting to impress his girlfriend, Carrie (Amy Poehler) with his new wool sweater.
Summary: Two men (Andy Samberg, Will Forte) discuss the former’s problems over a head of lettuce, courtesy of the United Lettuce Growers Association.
Summary: Target employee (Kristin Wiig) and her trainee (Dane Cook) carry on unsettling behavior in front of customers.
Bio: James Blunt (1974-). English singer-songwriter; former Officer with the British Army, who served as a NATO peacekeeper in Kosovo; he also performed duties at the Queen Mother’s funeral, including carrying her coffin.
Summary: Rachel Dratch plays a film of her recent experiences wandering through the city in fat padding. Michael Irvin (Kenan Thompson) comments on his recent drug arrest.
Summary: Upon waking from a 24-hour coma, Jerry (Dane Cook) finds himself living in an altered universe where his grieving girlfriend (Amy Poehler) is sudenly married to another man (Will Forte).
Summary: Victor Ramos (Horatio Sanz) and his sidekick (Dane Cook) show Chicago Transit Authority employee (Amy Poehler) the proper way to fight terrorism.
Summary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client’s (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.
Summary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) relunctantly participates in a Q&A session about recent current events.
Summary: Following his big-screen success as “The 40-Year Old Virgin”, Steve Carell sings about being in league with frat-packers Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, and others.
Summary: Female passenger (Amy Poehler) on Jet Blue Flight #292 enjoys the satellite television programming until she views an Aaron Brown (Darrell Hammond) news story revealing that the flight will crash-land. All the while, her oblivious, yet naive, husband (Steve Carell) happily enjoys a variety of entertainment programming.
Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) reports from the floodwaters of New Orleans, as a barrage of inept celebrities build housing for victims of Hurricane Katrina.
Summary: Sally (Amy Poehler) and Dan Needler (Seth Meyers) argue with one another while having dinner with recently-engaged friends (Steve Carell, Rachel Dratch).
Summary: Doug Stanhope (Jason Sudeikis) takes to the floodwaters of New Orleans to hand out rations and rescue Hurricane Katrina victims — aah, aah, aah! But only if those girls flash their boobs!
Summary: Behinds the scenes at Studio 8-H, Maya Rudolph worries that her pregnancy shows, while Lorne Michaels sweats out the possibility of Kanye West causing controversy during his performance. While heading for the stage, Kanye West runs into Mike Myers, whose life hasn’t been easy since they appeared together at the Hurricane Katrina relief telethon.
Bio: Kanye West (1977-). Rapper; stirred controversy at the Concert for Hurricane Relief when he proclaimed that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” embarrassing fellow presenter, Mike Myers, who was onstage with him at the time.
Summary: Horatio Sanz substitutes for Tina Fey, who recently gave birth to baby Alice. Horatio Sanz also delivers an editorial about the genius of President Bush. Nightlife correspondent Finesse Mitchell comments on how he accidentally picked up a dude at a club recently. New featured players Bill Hader and Andy Samberg have an Impression-Off.
Summary: “The Lundford Twins (Fred Armisen, Steve Carell) Feel Good Variety Hour” returns with another unaired episod from 1967, featuring more unusual song and dance and Granny (Amy Poehler).
Summary: In a Robert Smigel “Fun With Real Audio” cartoon, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts waffles his responses in a variety of odd situations.
Bio: Adam Levine (1979-). Musician; lead singer/guitarist of Maroon 5.
Summary: At a wedding reception, Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) finds romance with like-minded Bob Bummer (Steve Carell).
Summary: Dylan (Steve Carell) is set up on a date with Carol (Horatio Sanz), a cheerful yet skanky overweight woman who changes his life for the better.
