Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Keen Corp Presentation

Randy…..Seth Meyers
Katie…..Amy Poehler
Ray…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on Keen Corp board meeting ]

Randy: [ laughs ] I’m, uh.. I’m sure my co-workers will be here in a.. in a moment. I had no idea.. [ laughs ] I had no idea it was going to be this cold this morning! Did anybody else.. try to play golf? Because it was.. it was cold! [ chuckles ] I’m sure they’ll be here any second..

[ the door opens, and in walks the two co-workers, each looking rather disheveled and unkempt ]

Randy: Oh! Thanks goodness, here they are!

Katie: Hello, good morning.

Ray: ..Good morning.

Randy: Hey, you guys – this is Katie Platt and Ray Fatone. They’ve prepared a presentation, outlining our national sales strategies. Ray? Katie? Take it away! Fantastic!

Katie: [ sighs ] Before we get started.. does anybody have any Pepto tablets? [ no response ] No one? No one. Great. Okay, start.

Ray: Did you, uh —

Katie: I told you ten times, I don’t care! Just go ahead!

Ray: Well, why don’t you just finish your coffee, and then we’ll —

Katie: I told you, I can’t finish my coffee because I’m nauseous!

Ray: Uhh.. hello, everyone —

Katie: Oh, man.. turning on the charm..

Ray: Uhh.. this year has been one of the biggest years Keen Corp. has ever seen, in terms of growth. Uh.. want to give me a hand here, please?

Katie: Sure. [ clears her throat ]

Ray: I want to, uh.. apologize for this handwritten chart because of.. certain circumstances. Katie’s computer, uh.. got ruined, so uh – long story short: we do not have a Powerpoint presentation for you today —

Katie: No.

Ray: — but we feel that we are perfectly capable of walking you through this. In fact, uh.. in many ways, uh.. this chart says exactly what we want it to say. So, just take a few minutes to scan this, and uh.. [ turns to Katie ] Katie? Can I talk to you for a minute, please?

Katie: Sure.

Ray: Yeah.

[ they step behind their homemade presentation board for some privacy ]

Ray: I just want you to know that, uh.. I had a really good time last night..

Katie: [ angry ] Oh! Don’t even! So you have no idea where my bra went?!

Ray: Well, how do I know where your bra went?!

Katie: You took it off me!

Ray: It’s probably in the pool.. or in my rental car, or in your rental car!

Katie: Well, let me tell you something. It is.. it is a new bra! And it’s the only one I have for the whole weekend! So —

[ fearful of being missed, Ray and Katie step out from behind their presentation to re-adress the room ]

Ray: Uh.. uh.. uh.. so, uh.. as you can see from this chart.. the Keen Corporation has, uh.. gone above and beyond all expectations.

Katie: [ remembering ] Oh! You know what, it’s on the balcony.

Randy: Uh, what’s that, Katie?

Katie: Uhhh.. I’m sorry. I just remembered where I.. put something.

Randy: Listen, do you guys need a minute? Because, uh.. the food’s here, we could take a little break..?

Katie: Nooooo! Let’s just power through this!

Randy: Fantastic!

Katie: Okay. Um.. our number one goal this year, at Keen Corp. — [ turns to Ray ] You know, can I talk to you for a second?

Ray: Sure.

[ they step behind their homemade presentation board for more privacy ]

Katie: F.Y.I. and P.S.! I am capable of having a night of sex without any emotional committment!

Ray: Well, I can see that, because you’re handling it quite well!

Katie: You didn’t have any problem with how I was handling it last night!

Ray: I think you should turn up the volume! Everyone at Keen Corp can hear you!

Katie: You are a royal pig!

Ray: Ssshhhh!

[ Randy peeks in ]

Randy: We can do this later, if you guys want more time to —

Ray: Randy!!

Randy: Fantastic.

[ Ray and Katie step back out ]

Ray: Are you implying that I started what happened last night?

Katie: Well, that Prince CD didn’t just start playing by itself!

Ray: Ohhhh! And I suppose a gust of wind blew your clothes off!

Katie: Oh, give me a break! You were the one who told me I look like Jewel! And that you have the hots for Jewel!

Ray: For crying out loud! After ten beers, my mom looks like Jewel!

Randy: I think I should tell you two that your behavior is really inappropriate! Now, look! We are paying.. to have you here at this nice hotel. So, either straighten out and give this presentation, or get out of here and stop embarrassing yourselves!

Ray: I’m sorry, Randy..

Katie: Sorry, Randy..

Ray: Uh..

Katie: Hey! [ chuckles ]

Ray: [ looks at everyone ] What?!

Katie: Yeah! Right! I man, we’ve all gotten rip-assed drunk and scrumped a co-worker, right?

[ no response ]

Ray: I mean, look.. the only two things – okay, four things that we did wrong last night were, uh: cheating on our spouses, drinking and driving, not completing the presentation, and having unprotected sex. So freakin’ what?!

Katie: Yeah. Sorry for being human! [ laughs ]

Ray: So, here’s how this presentation is going to go down: we’ll finish what we have left, and everyone’s gonna shut up.. and listen. Because here’s my presentation.

[ soft music pots up ]

This woman – one Katie Platt – has singlehandedly put the spice back into my bland, sorry excuse for a life! She makes me laugh from my gut, she can drink me under the table.. and, even though she hates her body, she’s a hellcat in the sack!

Katie: [ touched ] Oh, my God.. that’s so sweet! and, even though I’m incredibly nauseous right now, I want you again!

Ray: You don’t have to ask me twice, my lady!

[ Ray pushes Katie onto the table, then climbs onboard to pleasure her ]

Katie: Ahhhhhh, yes!

[ all the executives dash out of the room, except for one frumpy-looking female executive. Randy decides to make his move on her ]

Randy: Hey, you want to go somewhere and.. work on a presentation? I’ve got some Bacardi Breezers in my fridge, and.. you know who you look like? Shania Twain.

[ Shania Twain, “Man! I Feel Like A Woman” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

The Tony Bennett Show

Tony Bennett….Alec Baldwin
Pat Malonowski….Horatio Sanz
Robert Durst….Fred Armisen

[Opens with THE TONY BENNETT LOGO. Swanky suite at a Las Vegas hotel]

Announcer: Its The Tony Bennett Show. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Bennett.

[Tony comes out with a mic on his hand]

Tony Bennett: Hello everybody! [sings] I love things that are great. Good things are fantastic, guess what? I also paint, just a hobby nothing drastic. But one thing’s for sure, I love things, sca-dooba-da-beepop! That are gre-e-e-e-eat! Yeah! Hey! Hey, everybody! Thank you so very much. Today we got a terrific, terrific, terrific show for you. [sits] We got a whole bunch of great, great stuff. Later on, we’re gonna be mellowing out with Fat Joe, one of the great fellows singing out there today. He and I recently performed together at the Ethnic Doings at the Central Florida fairgrounds. A big guy with a big voice. But first I’d like you to meet my sidekick today on The Tony Bennett Show. I sat next to this businessman fellow on a flight to Phoenix and he made me laugh so hard I almost whizzed in my dockers. Please welcome, Pat Malonowski.

[Pat comes out, sits next to Tony]

Tony Bennett: Pat, I’m already laughing.

Pat Malonowski: Hey, Tony. Its great to be here.

Tony Bennett: I’ve worked beside a lot of comics over the years and this guy cracked up my walnuts better than any of them.

Pat Malonowski: Well, that’s real nice of you.

Tony Bennett: Hey, tell ’em that joke, Pat.

Pat Malonowski: Which one?

Tony Bennett: The one that made me spit my whiskey sour straight out of my nose.

Pat Malonowski: Oh, gosh. I don’t think there is an appropriate way to tell that one on tv.

Tony Bennett: That’s a real shame, Pat. Its a great, great joke. Couldn’t you maybe change up a few of the words a little bit? Change that one word to “kitty cat”. And that other word to “rooster sucker”.

Pat Malonowski: I probably shouldn’t there, Tony.

Tony Bennett: I guess you’re right. I’m glad you’re here anyway. I’d like to bring out my first guest. He’s a millionaire who chopped up his neighbor in their apartment complex. Some people seem to have a beef with that. He just won the big court case so I bet he’s got some pep in his step. Please welcome, Robert Durst. [Creepy white haired dude comes in, sits] Thank you for coming, Robert. You look great. Hey, that’s a real top-notch sport-coat. James Garner, I mean, eat your heart out.

Robert Durst: Oh why, thank you.

Tony Bennett: So how’s it going?

Robert Durst: Well, better now. I was a little scared there for a while.

Tony Bennett: Now, uh, you chopped up your neighbor! Tell us about that.

Robert Durst: Well, he raged at me. And as I was defending myself, I fell and accidentally…chopped him up.

Tony Bennett: Man, that’s outta sight. Now, I’m a pretty laid-back kind of guy. But I’ve had my own gripes with my neighbors over the years. You know, one summer I lived next door to Richie Sambora at Big Bear Lake. And this dude had a tropical bird the size of Chita Rivera that just wouldn’t stop squawking.

Robert Durst: Oh, that would wear me out.

Tony Bennett: You telling me Robert. Now, what’s the scoop on this first wife of yours that went missing? Did you chop her up too?

Robert Durst: I had absolutely nothing to do with that…

Tony Bennett: Hey, Robert. hold that thought on the chopping up your missing wife business. I gotta mention one of our sponsors. [holds a maxi-pad package] Stayfree Super Maxi-pads with 4-walls protection. Robert, do you mind? [Robert holds the maxi-pads] In my book, all ladies should look like Angie Dickinson. That’s why its a shame when their monthlies keep them from wearing cream-colored pantsuits. You know, I once made love to Angie Dickinson for 7 hours! Then a security guard came in and said: “Mr. Bennett, Madame Tussuad’s is closing”.[throws maxi-pads away] Anyway, we’re back with Robert Durst. Now, they also say that you’re something of a cross-dresser.

Robert Durst: Well, you know, on occasion. I have dressed in women’s clothing…accidentally, yes.

Tony Bennett: Well, I think its just great when you can put on women’s clothes, have a fight with a neighbor who rages at you, chop him up and then you both just say “uncle”. You know, I still regret not clearing things up with Richie Sambora. Sometimes I think that’s why I have trouble sleeping. In fact, I’ll just call him up right now and try to get the whole thing over with. [picks up phone] Our friends at AT&T will connect me. [phone rings]

Richie Sambora: [over the phone] Yeah? Yeah?

Tony Bennett: Is this Richie Sambora?

Richie Sambora: Yeah, who is this?

Tony Bennett: This is your neighbor, Tony Bennett. I got a beef with your bird.

Richie Sambora: I’m sorry. Who is this?

Tony Bennett: [hangs up] I heard it. He said: “I’m sorry”. That’s what I’ve been waiting for 12 years. A simple apology from Richie Sambora. Isn’t it great, Robert, when it all works out in the end?

Robert Durst: It’s so great. It really is the best.

Pat Malonowski: Hey, I just figured out how I can tell that joke.

Tony Bennett: Fantastic. Take it away, Pat! You cats are gonna love this one.

Pat Malonowski: All right. Here we go. This guy walks into a prostitution house and says: “You have any Asian kitty cat that can handle my giant rooster?” [embarrassed] Hey, you know what, I can’t tell that joke.

Tony Bennett: Pat, you know, you still killed me with that one on the plane. Hey, what do say you guys, we get up there and we sing a little something for our friends, huh? Come on.

[Robert and Pat have mics along with Tony]

Tony Bennett, Robert and Pat: [singing] I don’t believe in fretting or grieving, why mess around with strife? I never was cut out to stamp or strut out, give me the simple life.

Tony Bennett: Fat Joe, I’m gonna have to catch you on the flipside. I wanna say thanks to my guests Robert the neighbor chopper, Angie Dickinson, Richie Sambora, those maxi-pads with 4-wall protection and crazy Pat, the rooster sucker!

Tony, Robert and Pat: [singing] I find it pleasant dining on pheasant those things roll off my knife, and serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes give me-e-e-e-e-e….the simple li-i-i-i-i-ife!

[The Tony Bennett logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Will Forte
…..Fred Armisen
Voice of Christian Slater…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

The UN nuclear watchdog group said in a confidential report Monday, that it has found on evidence of an atomic bomb program in Iran. Leaving the U.S. no choice but to attack!

On Sunday, al Gore called for an appeal of the U.S. Patriot Act, and accused President Bush’s administration of undermining civil liberties and exploiting public fears about terrorism. And then, as always, the cashier nodded and gave him his Big Mac.

Jimmy Fallon: In a Veteran’s Day speech this Tuesday, President Bush vowed: “We will finish the mission we have begun – period.” Afterwards, he was advised that, in the future, he doesn’t have to read the punctuation marks.

Singer Wynona Judd was arrested this week for driving under the influence. A test of her blood revealed an alcohol content of 1.75, and a gravy content of 3.40.

Tina Fey: That’s above the legal limit.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, too much gravy!

Tina Fey: When asked to comment on the massive rain and hailstorms that hit southern California this week, Governor-Elect Arnold Schwarzenegger said, [ in Arnold voice ] “Ze hailstorms are fantastic! I promised you more action, and I delivered! We had fires, we had the ice! Now that Jerry Bruckheimer’s working on ‘Tsnami’, we’re going to make California the #1 action state in the vorld!”

This January, Kevin Costner will be honored by the Palm Springs International Film Festival, for his contribution to film. This gives costner just two months to make a contribution to film.

Jimmy Fallon: Justin Guarini, from “American Idol”, has been sued by a couple after he allegedly rammed into the back of their car. Fortunately, Guarini avoided injury, thanks to his driver-side hair bag.

Tina Fey: As many of you know, an illicit sex tape, starring Paris Hilton, hit the internet this week. Here with a review, is our own Will Forte.

Will Forte: Thanks, Tina. Thank you. You know, I’ve seen this tape, and I’ve gotta say, I found it kinda boring. And I’m not making a snap judgment here. I’ve wathced it, lik,e 80-90 times, and I just don’t see what all the hype is about. Fortunately, America, there’s another celebrity sex tape about to hit the streets, that is so hot, it’ll melt your VCR. Presenting: The Will Forte Sex Tape. [ holds up video box ]

Tina Fey: You have a celebrity sex tape?

Will Forte: Fine, Tina – semi-celebrity sex tape. But this baby is sure to make me a big star! Roll it.

Tina Fey: No, no! Don’t roll it —

Will Forte: Roll it!

[ cut to video of Will Forte dancing naked (with a big black dot over his privates) in a hotel room. He performs a naked Thighmaster routine, and even pours honey over his chest and privates. ]

[ video shifts to Will adjusting the camera ]

Will Forte: Perfect!

[ Will hops back into the bed, where Fred Armisen waits ]

Tina Fey V/O: Oh, that’s Fred..

[ on video, Will and Fred almost kiss, until Will interrupts the thought ]

Will Forte: Fred, why don’t you face that way, so you can see how pretty you look.

[ Fred Armisen movies closer to the camera to pose ]

[ fade back to the Update desk ]

Tina Fey: Wow..

Will Forte: You’re welcome, everyone! You’re welcome! And that’s just a small sample of what you’ll get for only $79.95, available at Best Buy.

Tina Fey: You can buy this at Best Buy?!

Will Forte: Fine – the sidewalk outside of Best Buy. See you thee, sex tape fans!

Tina Fey: Will Forte, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: Jethro Tull was removed from the playlist of a classic rock station in New Jersey, after lead singer Ian Anderson criticized people hanging American flags in their cars. Apparently, listeners are so mad they’re flushing their flutes odwn the toilet.

[ flute riff from “Teacher” plays ]

Flute-rock, Tina! You don’t know anything about it, never! You never get it, ever!

Tina Fey: You’re right.. I don’t.

The owners of our very own building, Rockefeller Center, have announced plans to reopen the building’s 70th floor observation deck, which has been closed to the public for 17 years. I guess that means that Tom Brokaw and I will have to find a new place to secretly make love.

In an interview with W Magazine, Joan Rivers compared plastic surgery to car maintenance, saying you have to do it every two years. But, even for a car, she looks awful!

Jimmy Fallon: Christina Aguilera cancelled two concerts in England, saying that she has acute bronchitis. Actually, it used to be cute, but now it’s just kind of a-skanky.

Tina Fey: Christian Slater’s wife, Ryan Hadden, was arrested and charged with domestic battery Minday, after hitting Slater on the head with a glass during a fight at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Resort, giving him nine stitches. On the phone now, to comment about his ordeal, is Christian Slater. Christian, uh.. are you there? How you doing?

Christian Slater: Greetings and salutations, Tina. It’s been quite an ordeal for me. I’m just, uh.. sitting here recovering at home, with my good friend Jack Nicholson.

Tina Fey: Oh, wait? Jack Nicholson is there? Well, let me talk to him!

Christian Slater: Hold on, uh, let me get him, okay?

Faux Jack Nicholson: Hello?

Tina Fey: Hello! Mr. Nicholson?

Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, how are you doing?

Tina Fey: I’m fine, thank you! Jack, what do you think about Christian being attacked by his wife?

Christian Slater: No, this is still Christian Slater. I haven’t passed the phone to Jack yet, I can’t find him. Oh wait, here he is! Hold on!

Faux Jack Nicholson: Hello?

Tina Fey: Hello!

Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, how are you?

Tina Fey: Oh, hey! Jack Nicholson! Hi! Great!

Christian Slater: No, this is still Christian.. Jack walked over to the damn kitchen, here he comes back now. I can’t believe my wife hit me on the head with a glass.

Tina Fey: Are we gonna talk to Jack Nicholson?

Christian Slater: Sure, sure.. here he is.

Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, Tina. How are you?

Tina Fey: Who am I talking to right now?

Faux Jack Nicholson: This is Jack Nicholson.

Tina Fey: Okay. Hi, Jack.

Christian Slater: Just kidding! It’s Christian Slater! I don’t know where Jack is. Look, I gotta go, I got a.. headache, because my wife threw a glass at me at the Hard Rock Casino. Bye, Tina~

Tina Fey: Alright, okay. Christian Slater, and not Jack Nicholson, everybody.

Jimmy Fallon: Actress Demi Moore turned 40 on Tuesday, but she feels like a 25 year old inside.

Tina Fey: Ohhhhhh!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! I did that! Yeah! I did that!

Tina Fey: The judge in the Rosie O’Donnell breach of contract suit ruled Wednesday that neither Rosie nor her publisher was entitled to any damages. Even so, Rosie didn’t go home entirely empty-handed.

Jimmy Fallon: According to new research, monkeys whose ovaries were removed ate 67% more food than other monkeys. This may explain why many women gain weight after menopause, and why I can’t get my fat monkey pregnant.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Zinger vs. Burns

Head Scientist…..Chris Parnell
Dave Clinger…..Seth Meyers
Sheila…..Maya Rudolph
Dr. Greg Burns…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on interior, planetarium ]

Head Scientist: Thank you all for coming here on such short notice. As you probably know, a recent diagnostic test of the Gray’s II satellite, has revealed a flaw in its orbit computer. We’ve assembled you – the finest minds in the field – to find a solution. So.. get acquainted, get to know each other, and.. let’s get to work. Any questions?

Dave Clinger: Ah, I have a question, it’s about your haircut. When exactly did Brillo Pads start making toupees? [ laughs ] You just got zinged! [ mimes gunslinger actions ]

Head Scientist: I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure.

Dave Clinger: Uhhhh.. the name’s Dave Clinger, but my friends call me Dave “Zinger”, on account of my awesome, awesome zings!

Head Scientist: Um.. nice to meet you. Now, back to the satellite. I’d like to open up the floor for suggestions, and time is of the essence.

Sheila: Is there any way to increase the thrust?

Dave Clinger: Yeah! Play some Teddy Pendergrass and pour me some Margaritas! [ laughs ] You got zinged, too! [ mimes Zorro moves ] The mark! Of Zingo! Zing!

Sheila: What are you doing?

Dave Clinger: Oh! [ chuckles ] It’s just I’ve been told I’m really good at zings! So, when I have a good one, I do something afterwards, just to let everyone know that a.. really good zing has happened!

Head Scientist: That’s great. Can we continue?

Dave Clinger: I don’t know, can we? Mini-zing, bing! Keep going.

Head Scientist: [ sighs ] As I was saying.. if we can’t find a solution to this within 48 hours, we may lose serious torque.

[ Dr. Greg Burns enters the room ]

Dr. Greg Burns: Serious torque? All I see is a roomful of serious dorks! [ chuckles, then mimes an explosion ] You’re burrrrrrned!

Head Scientist: And, whom might you be?

Dr. Greg Burns: I’m Dr. Greg Burns, but my friends called me Greg “Burn”, on account of all the burnage!

[ music sting, as Clinger steps forward ]

Dave Clinger: Burn.

Dr. Greg Burns: Zinger.

Dave Clinger: I heard you were out of the zinger game. I heard you retired, and they named Second Place after you. [ mimes bow and arrow ] Ziiiing!

Dr. Greg Burns: Nice burn, Zinger. By the way, you still owe me that rent check, since you spend all your time living in my shadow! [ chuckles, then mimes rubbing two sticks together to create fire ] You’re burrrrrrned!

Dave Clinger: Yeah, uh, uh.. I’ve been meaning to send you that rent check. I want to make sure it gets to you, though, so uh.. is “Dickwad” one word or two? [ mimes cellphone ringing ] Excuse me for one moment. [ answers imaginary cellphone ] Hello? Yeah, no.. he’s here. [ to Burn ] It’s for you.

Dr. Greg Burns: [ takes the imaginary cellphone ] Hello?

Dave Clinger: Hi, this is the Operator – you’ve just been zinged!

Head Scientist: Gentlemen, please! Could you keep it down?!

Dr. Greg Burns: Ohhh, he’ll have no problem keeping it down, since he can’t keep it up! [ chuckles, mimes pouring coffee ] Glug-glug-glug.. ohhh, this coffee is too hot, would you mind holding it, please, for a minute? [ Clinger takes the imaginary cup ] Yeah. Hey, what time is it? [ Clinger turns the imaginary cup over to look at his watch, spilling the imaginary coffee on his pants ] Burrrrrrrrn!!

Dr. Greg Burns: [ outraged ] Gentlemen! This cannot continue! We have important work to do here! I’m going to have to demand.. that you guys have a Best of 3 Zing/Burn Off, with the winner declared Zingmaster.

Dr. Greg Burns: [ defensive ] Or Burnmaster!

Head Scientist: My apologies. Or Burnmaster. And, then we can get back to the business of saving this billion-dollar satellite.

Dr. Greg Burns: I’m sure this won’t be too hard.

Dave Clinger: [ mimicking ] “I’m sure this won’t be too hard“? Isn’t that what you said to your wife on your honeymoon? [ laughs, then mimes casting out a fishing line and pulling in a big one ] Whoa-oa, stay still.. [ holds up his imaginary fish in front of Dr. Burns, then mimes taking a snapshot ] Smile! [ displays the imaginary photo ] See? It’s me, it’s you.. and you’ve just been ZINGED!! Don’t even think about trying to touch this!!

Dr. Greg Burns: [ mimicking ] “Don’t even think about touching this“? Isn’t that what it says on the picture of your crotch at the free clinic?! [ laughs triumphantly, then mimes chainsawing a tree down ] Timberrrrrrrrrnn!!

Sheila: Sir.. we should really focus on the satellite —

Head Scientist: Not now, Sheila!! It’s 1 to 1 – the next Zinger or Burn decides it!

[ dramatic music, as Clinger and Burns consider their next zing or burn ]

Dave Clinger: STOP!! [ a beat ] I can’t take this war. We’re supposed to be scientists, working together for the common good.

Dr. Greg Burns: Nice try, Zinger. You can’t fool me.

Dave Clinger: I’m serious! We meed to put aside our petty difference, and work together. For once.. let Burns.. and Zinger stand side by side.

Dr. Greg Burns: Wow, Zinger. I never thought I’d say this.. but you’re a pretty good guy. [ puts his arm around Clinger ]

Dave Clinger: Whoaaaaaa!! Burns! If you want to make out with me, you’d better buy me a drink first! [ laughs, then mimes playing basketball ] Ohhh, he was fouled! [ mimes taking a basketball free shot ] Swish! Four-point zing! Yyyyyyyeahh!!

Dr. Greg Burns: You win this time, Zing! But I’ll be back!

[ Clinger continues shoooting his basketball zings ]

Head Scientist: Well, why don’t we move on to the next room, so we can.. discuss the business of this very important satellite.

[ the scientists exit to the next room, as Clinger continues to mime shooting basketball zings ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


December 6th, 2003

Rev. Al Sharpton

Pink

Tracy Morgan

Paris Hilton
A Message From the President of NBC EntertainmentSummary: Because the Rev. Al Sharpton is hosting “Saturday Night Live”, NBC President Jeff Zucker (Jimmy Fallon) outlines equal-time programming for the other Democratic candidates.

Recurring Characters: Jeff Zucker.

Transcript

MontageNote: This episode didn’t air in New Hampshire, Iowa, and three other states because they hosted early presidential primaries. “The Best of Steve Martin” aired in its place, and those markets were unable to view the episode until NBC finally reran it on July 31, 2004.

Rev. Al Sharpton’s MonologueSummary: The Rev. Al Sharpton’s younger self (Tracy Morgan) criticizes his growth as a human being.

Recurring Characters: Rev. Al Sharpton.

Bio: A man of many hats, the Rev. Al Sharpton (1954-) has been a civil rights activist, a minister, a would-be politician, and a tour manager for James Brown in the 1970’s.

Transcript

Mom JeansSummary: The jeans with the shapely fit that says you’re a mom, not a woman.

Note: Repeat from 05/10/03.

Note: Originally, the commercial parody advertised itself for Mother’s Day, which has now been dubbed over to advertise itself for Christmas.

Michael Jackson on a RollercoasterSummary: Michael Jackson (Amy Poehler) rides on a roller coaster with Johnny Cochran (Rev. Al Sharpton), Elizabeth Taylor (Rachel Dratch), and a stranger (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson, Johnny Cochran, Elizabeth Taylor.

Transcript

Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) is joined by his equally child-minded brother, Ryan Fellow (Rev. Al Sharpton).

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

Transcript

Three Wise MenSummary: A cop on camelback (Jimmy Fallon) pulls over the Three Wise Men (Rev. Al Sharpton, Kenan Thompson, Tracy Morgan) for suspicious activities in the desert.

Transcript

Pink performs “Trouble”Bio: Pink (1979-) began her career as an R&B and hip-hop musician, but shifted over to pop rock in order to gain creative control over her work.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey make fun of the cities that aren’t airing SNL tonight. Jimmy Fallon uses double entendres to interview Paris Hilton.

Transcript

StereotypesSummary: Black stereotypes are exploited for laughs in the filming of a movie in 1935.

Transcript

Reverend Al Sharpton’s Casa de SushiSummary: Even though the Rev. Al Sharpton doesn’t like sushi, he has no qualms about selling it to consumers.

Transcript

Democratic CandidatesSummary: John Edwards (Will Forte) hosts an SNL-viewing party for his fellow Democratic hopefuls.

Recurring Characters: Richard Gephardt, John Kerry, Joe Lieberman, John Edwards.

Transcript

Pink performs “God Is A D.J.”

The LaToya Jackson ShowSummary: Joe Jackson (Rev. Al Sharpton) looks down on LaToya Jackson (Maya Rudolph) and her scatterbrained life.

Recurring Characters: LaToya Jackson, Joe Jackson.

Cab RideSummary: Vasquez (Horatio Sanz) gives Rev. Al Sharpton a ride in his cab.

Recurring Characters: Vasquez.

CryogenixSummary: People have their heads frozen now, in preparation of the cures that will come in the future.

Note: 03e 11/08/03

Unearthed: Cash On EarthSummary: The late Johnny Cash (Darrell Hammond) releases his new CD box set direct from Heaven.

Recurring Characters: Johnny Cash.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Unearthed: Cash On Earth

Johnny Cash…..Darrell Hammond

(As we fade into the sketch, Johnny Cash, who’s in heaven and holding a guitar, has his back to the camera. He turns around and speaks into a microphone.)

Johnny Cash: Hello I’m the ghost of Johnny Cash.

[Plays a guitar riff]

You know just because I’m dead doesn’t mean I have a new record coming out. And it’s just in time for Christmas. It’s a good album. I won’t lie to you.

[Singing]”It’s not as wonderfulAs being here in heavenWith my wife June my ma and pa.And Jesus!”

[Talking]

That said it’s a pretty damn good record. Isn’t that funny? They let you say damn in heaven.

(Cash’s record “flies” in. Cash moves over to make room for it.)

Anyway, the new record is what they call a box set.

It’s five CD’s of…

(Darrell Hammond looks at the obviously cheap record hanging from thin wires. He looks at the audience and is about to laugh but manages to hold it in.)

…unreleased music called “Cash On Earth.” (Hammond’s voice cracks when he says “Earth”)

(The record ‘flies away.’ Cash looks up as the record flies away)

I like that title.

It’s kind of ironic.

[Singing]

“Because I’m dead.”

[Talking]

Some of you might not have heard about it, ‘cause John Ritter died the same day.

But I understand.

I loved “Three’s Company”.

What the hell.

[Singing]

“I’m happy up here in heaven.”

[Talking]

When I first got here St. Peter gave me guff about being dressed in black.

I told him I wasn’t changing and he went and got Jesus.

We had some words and finally decided to go behind the pearly gates and settle it by leg wrestling.

Needless to say Jesus beat me two out of three times.

[Singing]”So I grabbed my gearAnd I was getting ready to goDownDownDownTo that burning ring of fire.”

[Talking]

But Jesus placed his hand on my shoulder

And turned me around and said he was just messing with me.

Turns out Waylon Jennings put him up to it.

We all shared a good laugh over that

And guess what

Last night I jammed with Jimi Hendrix

[Plays a rock guitar riff à la Jimi Hendrix]

Whoo!!

The night before it was John Lennon

And today I started to record with the killer himself Mr. Jerry Lee Lewis

But the had to leave

Turns out he was just in a deep sleep.

Who woulda thunk

[Singing]

“He would outlive me?”

[Talking]

Well, I got to go.

I think you’re going to enjoy “Cash on Earth.”

It makes a perfect stocking stuffer.

And hopefully it would tide you over until I see you up here.

God’s a cool guy

He lets almost everyone in.

I even saw one of my ex-business managers up here.

If that guy can get in

[Singing]

“I think you’ll do okay.”

[Talking]

I’ll see you later

I’m the ghost of Johnny Cash

(He plays guitar riff and turns around with the arm he played the riff in the air.)

Submitted by: Amy Young

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Democratic Candidates

Joe Lieberman…..Chris Parnell
Howard Dean…..Jeff Richards
Gen. Wesley Clark…..Jimmy Fallon
John Edwards…..Will Forte
Richard Gephardt…..Darrell Hammond
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers

[ open on the other Democratic Presidential candidates watching Rev. Al Sharpton host “Saturday Night” at John Edwards’ house ]

Joe Lieberman: I don’t get it, I-I-I just don’t get it. Why him? There’s nine of us running – why does Rev. Al get to hang out with Jimmy Fallon? Why not, uh.. Howard Dean.. or Gen. Wesley Clark —

[ the other candidates in the room nod their heads in agreement ]

Joe Lieberman: — or Joe Lieberman?

[ the other candidates shake their heads in disagreement ]

Howard Dean: Well, you really didn’t think they were going to ask you, Joe?

Joe Lieberman: [ sighs ] And why not, Howard? I know quite a few humorous anecdotes. I’ve been told that I possess an impeccable sense of comedic timing! Why, around the Lieberman household, my Chris Tucker impression is legendary. [ clears his throat and demonstrates ] “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!” [ chuckles to himself ] My kids love it, so..

Gen. Wesley Clark: I don’t know. I mean, I think the Reverand’s doing a pretty good job!

Joe Lieberman: Pretty good for a guy who’s never held public office.

Howard Dean: Kind of like you, General. [ chuckles to himself ]

Gen. Wesley Clark: I didn’t serve in a public office, because I was too busy seving our country in uniform! Not flying down some ski slope with a bunch of pot-smoking Goldbrickers!

Howard Dean: Save it, Rookie! [ to the kitchen door ] Hey, Edwards! Senator! We’re running out of Bugles here!

Gen. Wesley Clark: Edwards! Ten-hut, maggot!

[ John Edwards, clad in apron, pops his head out of the kitchen, carrying an armload of assorted snacks ]

John Edwards: Here you goooooooo!! Here is some0 peel-and-eat, for Mr. Howard Dean —

Howard Dean: Thank you.

John Edwards: And an extra helping of Wheat Thins, for my favorite Kosher candidate!

Joe Lieberman: Mmm.. muchos gracious.

[ doorbell rings ]

John Edwards: [ excited ] Oh! I’ll get it! I’ll get it!

Gen. Wesley Clark: Go get it! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Howard Dean: We gotta hide! Turn out the lights! It might be that goofball Kucinich.

John Edwards: [ opens the door ] No! It’s John Kerry and Dick Gephardt! Two of my eight favorite Democrats!

Dick Gephardt: Hi, all.

John Kerry: Sorry we’re late, guys – Dick couldn’t get his car started.

Joe Lieberman: Sounds like his campaign! [ chuckles to himself ]

Gen. Wesley Clark: I hope that’s not your A-material, Joe – it stinks!

John Edwards: Let me grab your cooooats!

Dick Gephardt: Thanks, John. It’s awafully nice of you to have us over.

John Edwards: Well, I’m sure any one of you guys would return the favor! Now, can I get you anything to drink?

Dick Gephardt: Diet Coke.

John Kerry: Water’s fine.

John Edwards: Okay, coming right up! [ retreats to the kitchen ]

Dick Gephardt: If that guy kissed as any harder, he’d be drawing blood!

John Kerry: Seriously – that’s record time. We haven’t even hit Iowa yet, and that guy’s trying to brownnose his way into a VP nod! It almost makes you look dignified, Joe.

Joe Lieberman: [ pleased ] Well, thank you, John.. [ the others try to stifle their laughter ] Wait. That was a joke at my expense, wasn’t it?

[ John Edwards re-emerges from the kitchen ]

John Edwards: Who wants Raspberry Mojitoooooos!

Howard Dean: [ aggravated ] Just bring out the pitcher, Edwards.

[ Edwards exits to the kitchen ]

Dick Gephardt: You know, I just don’t get it. Al Sharpton. I mean, why not me?! I’m the one with the most experience here!

Howard Dean: You’re right, Dick – none of us have lost half as many elections as you!

Gen. Wesley Clark: [ laughing ] Eight-time loser! Eight-time loser!

Dick Gephardt: Oh, come on! Come on, that’s not fair!

Joe Lieberman: Oh, I’m afraid it is..

Gen. Wesley Clark: I burned ya’, man! I burned ya’!

Dick Gephardt: [ angry ] I know you burned me!

Joe Lieberman: I’m afraid it is fair, Dick. You’re like David Spade in a Hollywood comedy – it makes sense on paper, but the people just aren’t going for it.

Dick Gephardt: You may be right. Maybe I am a loser, Mr. “Vice-President”. Oh, wait a second! You’re not the Vice-President! You lost that election!

Joe Lieberman: That’s debatable.

Dick Gephardt: No, it’s not!

[ everyone laughs at Lieberman ]

Howard Dean: Are we gonna keep watching, or what?

Gen. Wesley Clark: Yeah, why not – “Showtime at the Apollo”‘s on in a half-hour, anyway. Hut!

John Kerry: Yeah. And, if we get bored, we can try to rile up Dean, see if we can get him to punch another hole in the wall!

[ everyone laughs at Dean ]

[ John Edwards re-emerges from the kitchen ]

John Edwards: Who wants homemade caramel apples!

Dick Gephardt: Just leave them on the table, John.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Ryan Rellow…..Al Sharpton
Ricky Ashton…..Chris Parnell
Sarah Bellow…..Tina Fey

[open on illustrated map with stop-motion animated animals]

Musical Voice Over: He loves animals and they love him back. / Interspecies friends, we ain’t kidding, Mac. / Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

[title on illustrated map: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

[dissolve to Brian Fellow interracting with stop-motion animated animals in an illustrated jungle setting]

Voice Over: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold a degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves tonight on…

[title on illustrated jungle setting: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!

[dissolve to Brian Fellow in studio]

Brian: [waves enthusiastically to audience] Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow. Tonight, I have a very special guest. Co-hosting the show tonight is a man who is like a brother to me. Say hello to my brother, Ryan Fellow. Welcome, Ryan Fellow.

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow! Today, we are going to meet some animals that are friendly and some that are frightful. I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

Ryan: Me, too.

Brian: Let’s get going. Our first guests likes to balance balls on its nose and is a master of the bicycle horn. Please welcome a seal!

[Ricky enters holding a seal, and sits]

Brian: And who are you?

Ricky: I’m Ricky Ashton, of the Corpus Christi Sea Aquarium.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ricky: Hello, Brian.

Brian: This is my brother.

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Ricky: Hello, Ryan. I would like for you to meet Sammy. He’s a three year old seal from the Pacific coast of California. He eats almost twelve pounds of fish a day.

Brian: I hear those seals like to party.

Ricky: Excuse me?

Brian: I hear they like to go clubbing with Eskimos.

Ryan: I like to go clubbing, and I do love the ladies.

Brian: He does love the ladies.

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ricky: And this is Sammy.

Brian: So, tell us. Why do seals love to go clubbing?

Ricky: Uh, you’re mistaken. When people talk about “clubbing seals,” that’s something different.

Brian: Okay. Well, tell us about the mating process.

Ricky: Well, during the breeding season, the male seal fights for dominance, and they have a harem of fifteen to thirty female seals.

Brian: A harem? That’s crazy!

Ryan: Are you saying that seals are Mormons?

Brian: That is a very good question.

Ricky: Actually, it’s not. Seals have no religious affiliation. However, the dominant male does have more than one partner.

Brian: Do they meet all those ladies when they go clubbing with Eskimos?

Ricky: No, that’s not right.

Brian: He loves to go clubbing.

Ryan: And I do love the ladies.

Ricky: Actually, what you’re referring to is a horrible practice where baby seals are brutally murdered for their fur.

Brian: That’s depressing. Why did you bring that up?

Ryan: You don’t come on my brother’s show and talk about things like that!

Brian: Get out!

[Ricky stands and leaves]

Brian: I’m sorry you had to see that, Ryan. I’ve been compromised as a professional journalist.

Ryan: You know who you should have had on this show?

Brian: Who?

Ryan: Frosty the Snowman.

Brian: That’s ridiculous! We only have animals on this show. He is not an animal. He is a snow man.

Ryan: Oh, sorry. But it’s Christmas.

Brian: Again, he is a man. Okay, our next guest lives in a cave and can’t see his own reflection in a mirror. Please welcome a bat!

[Sarah enters and sits, and an assistant hands her a bat in a terrarium]

Brian: And what’s your name, sir?

Sarah: Oh! Well, I am a woman, and my name is Sarah Bellow, from the Bronx Zoo.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Sarah: Great.

Brian: Your bat looks scary. Is he going to fly over and bite me?

Sarah: No, I think you’re safe. Although their diets vary widely, bats eat mostly insects and fruit.

Brian: Bats live in caves, right? Does he know where Osama bin Laden is?

Sarah: No, no, he doesn’t.

Brian: Shoot, there’s a big reward for him.

Ryan: I was gonna use that money to go clubbing.

Sarah: Bats are nocturnal creatures. This means that they sleep during the day and hunt at night.

Brian: He does the same thing. He sleeps during the day and goes hunting for ladies at night.

Ryan: I love the ladies. I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Sarah: Okay, and I’m Sarah Bellow! And we’re still talking about my bat.

Brian: That bat looks old.

Sarah: Well, actually, this is a silver-haired bat, and his hair has been this color since he’s very young.

Brian: When he turns into a man, how old will he be?

Sarah: Well, he can’t turn into a man.

Ryan: Well, how do you explain Batman, then?

Brian: [laughs loudly] He got you.

Sarah: No, he didn’t “get” me, for any number of reasons. First of all, Batman is not a real person. And secondly, Batman is not Dracula; Batman was never a bat.

[a shared thought bubble appears above Brian and Ryan and Frosty the Snowman emerges]

Frosty: Hey, fellas. What’s going on?

Brian and Ryan: Frosty!

Sarah: Well, he’s not actually frosty. He’s just silver-haired.

Frosty: This show’s boring. You should have me as a guest!

Ryan: That’s what I told Brian, but he said you couldn’t, ’cause you’re a man.

Frosty: Darn right, I’m a man. Do you want to see my snowballs?

Brian: No, I don’t wanna see your balls! I do not want to see your balls!

Sarah: Look, I told you, I am not a man! You know, I am out of here! [stands and leaves with terrarium]

Brian: Well, that’s our show for today. Join me next time when we will be visited by a dogfish.

Ryan: That sounds crazy.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!

Brian: Good night!

[title: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Goodnights

…..Rev. Al Sharpton

Rev. Al Sharpton: Thanks to Pink.. Tracy Morgan.. Paris Hilton! I want to especially thank Rev. Lorne Michaels, who brings us together every Saturday night. He makes us learn how to laugh at ourselves, so we can take you more seriously! I hope, tonight, America laughed together. Maybe then, we can learn how to live together. Good night, God bless!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Stereotypes

Ivy…..Maya Rudolph
Reggie…..Kenan Thompson
Actor #1…..Finesse Mitchell
Actor #2…..Tracy Morgan
George…..Rev. Al Sharpton
Director…..Jimmy Fallon
Assistant…..Horatio Sanz

Ivy: [ singing ]
“Last night, I had a dream about the past
The saddest thing is that old dream won’t last.
I miss my home in Mississippi
Sitting on my Mammy’s knee.”

Backup Singers: “Myyyy Mammyyyy’s kneeeee..”

Ivy: [ singing ]
“I miss her home cookin’
And all the things she meant to me.”

Reggie: I miss all the things of summer! All the things my Mammy would do for me!

Actor #1: Like the time we whiled away after the work was done!

Actor #2: And the songs we sat around and sang!

George: But I truly miss the simple things:

Reggie: Fried chicken!

Actor #1: Watermelon!

Actor #2: I miss being shiftless and lazy!

George: [confused with his lines] “I miss shooting dice at a whorehouse on payday..”?

Director’s Voice: Cut and print! Cut and print!

[ end black-and-white film production, actors now in real-time ]

George: Say.. did that seem a little —

Reggie: Stale? I agree. I had that same line in a movie last year.

Director: Well.. we don’t write ’em, we just shoot ’em. Okay, let’s move on!

Assistant: Movin’ on, everybody!

Director: Is that okay with you, Ivy?

[ cut to a crew of white male actors are around Ivy, laughing, while Ivy is smoking a cigarette from a cigarette holder ]

Ivy: [ in an Edith Bunker-esque voice ] Whatever you say, Mike!

[ the black actors turn their attention to Ivy ]

Director: [ snapping at the other actors ] Hey! Don’t look at her, fellas! She’s the star of this picture, okay?! [ to his Assistant ] Tell ’em to dim the lights!

Assistant: Dim the lights!

Director: Okay, roll camera! Mark it! Mark it!

Assistant: Scene 11.. Scene 2! [ marks scene, exits ]

Director: Okay, everybody! This is the part where you’re big heroes, okay? Now, uh, you’re gonna rescue, uh, Ivy from Dr. Abercrombie’s mansion, okay? And.. action! [ exits ]

[ black-and-white film production resumes ]

George: Listen, here’s the plan: we’re gonna have to sneak out the back of the theater, and through the graveyard to rescue Ivy.

Actor #2: [ shaking ferociously, scared ] Oh, I ain’t sneakin’ through no graveyard! Nooooooooo way! Those bones be dancin’! That’ll be the end of the finish fo’ me!

[George, disgusted with Actor #2’s line, walks away]

[ Reggie and Actor #1, holding candles and shaking, step backwards not knowing they’re about to bump into one another ]

Reggie: Who there?!

Actor #1: Me there!

Reggie: Who that say “Me there”?!

Actor #1: Me say “Me there!”

Reggie: Who say “Me say ‘Me there'”?!

Actor #1: I say “Me say ‘Me there!'”

[George appears between Actor #1 and Reggie]

Reggie: Why, I don’t know what I’m gonna do about it, but my feets sure know what they gonna do about it! Feets! Do your stuff!

[ they start running in place, George has had enough of their performance]

George: [ fed up with the act ] Alright! That’s it! That’s it!

Director’s Voice: Cut! Cut! That was fantastic! Cut!

[ end black-and-white film production, actors now in real-time ]

George: [appalled by the performance from Reggie and Actor #1] Do you know anybody who speaks like that, Reggie?!

Reggie: [ meekly ] Uh.. no. not really..

George: And the rest of this stuff is stereotypes! We shouldn’t be perpetrating these stereotypes! It’s 1935!

Actor #1: Well, I need this job. I have 36 children to feed.

George: Well, that’s another stereotype! But, we’ll deal with that later! We cannot do this script as written!

Director: Uh, maybe you’re right, George. Take five while we figure this out, okay? [ to Assistant ] Tell ’em to take five!

Assistant: Take five, everybody! [Assistant and Director leave]

George: We should just quit right now!

Actor #2: Quit?! They told me that, if I did good in this movie, they’d have a part for me shining Clark Gable’s shoes!

George: In which movie?

Actor #2: No movie! He just leaves his shoes outside his trailer!

George: Guys, just forget it!

[ Ivy brings herself closer to the guys ]

Ivy: Guys, maybe George has a point!

[ the guys are all excited ]

Guys: Ivy!!

Ivy: We’ve taken this kind of treatment for too long! The only way we’re ever going to be treated as equals, is if we stand together and say, “No more!”

George: Ivy’s right! Who’s with me?!

Reggie: Well.. I am!

Actor #1: And I am.

Actor #2: And I am!

Ivy: And.. I am!

George: [ putting his foot down ] No women.

[ Sharpton and the cast members end the scene to address the audience directly ]

Rev. Al Sharpton: We all had a little fun, with this jokey little skit – but, you know what? There’s still a lot of work to do to end racism!

Maya Rudolph: And sexism.

Rev. Al Sharpton: [ dismissively ] Okay, we getcha. [ to the audience ] But I wish you would think about what you’ve just seen. Not just the watermelon or the fried chicken part —

Tracy Morgan: — And how all blacks only smoke Newports, eat barbecued potato chips, and drink grape Kool-Aid.

Al Sharpton: We never mentioned that.

Tracy Morgan: Oh, I’m sorry.

Al Sharpton: Luckily, we’ve come a long way since those old, bad days. Meanwhile — [a stagehand hands Sharpton a tribal mask and a spear while another stagehand wheels out a cauldron with Will Forte, dressed as a British game hunter, inside of it] — wait ’til you see this next sketch.

Tracy Morgan: [ excited ] It’s hi-lar-i-ous! [ laughs uproariously while Sharpton looks at the props in horror]

[ scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts