Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Jared Fogel…..Jimmy Fallon Cashier…..Maya Rudolph Karen Jackman…..Ana Gasteyer Bob Ettinger…..Tracy Morgan
[ open on skinny Jared Fogul walking down the street ]
Announcer: Remember Jared? He’s inspired a lot of people to go back to his favorite restaurant.
Jared Fogul: [ holding picture of himself thin and holding former megasize pants ] This is me, six months ago. I’ve always wanted to wear pants like this! Well, now I can. Because I went back.. to SubShack!
Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”
Cashier: Hi, Jared! We knew you’d be back!
[ Jared holds the door so two of his fat friends can enter SubShack ]
Jared Fogul: My idea of a balanced diet is to have all my favorite red meats in one sandwich. Thanks, SubShack!
[ show skinny Karen Jackman; quick cut to fatter Karen with “Gained 135 Pounds” SUPER over her ]
Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”
Karen Jackman: [ holding giant SubShack sandwich ] No stupid Happy Meals. Just lots and lots of food!
Jared Fogul: This week at Subshack, get a Super Meat ‘N Cheeser, plus a side of bacon chili fries, a 32-ounce Mountain Dew, and a pecan sugarloaf. All for just $7.99!
[ show skinny Bob Ettinger carrying a bicycle over his shoulders; quick cut to Bob with “Gained 160 Pounds” SUPER over him ]
Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”
Bob Ettinger: And the Supa Baloney is low in sodium – I like that!
Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”
Jared Fogul: SubShack! Where the only word that follows “healthy” is “appetite”!
Announcer: Thanks, SubShack!
[ fade out on Jared chowing down on his SubShack ]
A camcorder moves to and fro in slow precision, sometimes shaking, covering the venue. It starts from a shot of the scoreboard in the center.
CUT TO: LOWER MEZZANINE
The camera moves slow. As its moving, a white circle briefly flashes on the face of an African-American in the crowd. The camera moves a little faster.
CUT TO: ANOTHER LOWER MEZZANINE SECTION
The camera moves slow again. Two white circles flash on two, African-Americans in the crowd. As the camera moves, a male, African-American cotton candy vendor strolls past from right to left. A white circle flashes over his face.
CUT TO: ANOTHER LOWER MEZZANINE SECTION
A female, African-American woman in a leather jacket walks casually in front of the camera. A white circle flashes over her face. As the camera moves up, a female, African-American drink vendor hands a beverage to a patron. A white circle flashes over her face.
CUT TO: COURTSIDE
A couple towards the back has two white circles flash over their faces. As the camera moves to the premium seats, we see BOB COSTAS, FRANK GIFFORD, etc. The camera pans out and flashes white circles over the entire NEW YORK KNICKS starting line-up. A closer look shows SPIKE LEE standing and applauding proudly after the Knicks score a point.
CUT TO: UPPER MEZZANINE
White circles are flashing manically all over. The camera turns to the right and HORATIO SANZs is putting his fountain drink on the floor. TRACY MORGANs seated next to him, eating. A very large white circle flashes over and over on his face.
Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gastyer Lynn Vershad…..Rachel Dratch Pete Schweddy…..Alec Baldwin Caller…..Chris Parnell
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.
Lynn Vershad: And I’m Lynn Vershad.
Together: And you’re lsitening to.. The Delicious Dish.. on National Public Radio.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, listeners, don’t adjsut your radio sets, you heard right. Teri Rialto has left to persue her dream of opening up a yogurt factory. We’re real proud of her, and we’re going to miss her. But we have a new co-host here on the Delicious Dish, and she’s a real firecracker. Say hi, Lynn.
Lynn Vershad: [ shyly ] Hi.
Margaret Jo McCullen: And, of course, those of you listening in northeast Minnesota already know Lynn, from her last show “Use Your Noodle”. Such a groundbreaking show, Lynn, I loved it.
Lynn Vershad: Oh, thank you.
Margaret Jo McCullen: You’re welcome.
Lynn Vershad: You know, Wayzana Tribune called it the “most innovative public-supporterd pasta-related radio cooking show since Get Ready, Get Set, Spaghetti!
Margaret Jo McCullen: Absolutely, ditto to that, we were really lucky to steal you away, Lynn!
Lynn Vershad: Well, I really felt like I had taken pasta as far as it would go.
Margaret Jo McCullen: I know what you mean. I got so burned out on dried figs in the late 80’s, that I’ve never ogne back.
Lynn Vershad: I’m so, so sorry.
Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s okay. It’s neat.
Lynn Vershad: Fun, yeah.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times. Dried fruit.
Lynn Vershad: Yeah. Well, M.J., Spring has sprung, and that mean the return of the great American pasttime – baseball.
Margaret Jo McCullen: And, of course, no baseball season would be complete without the culinary traditions of the ballpark.
Lynn Vershad: Mmm, that’s right, M.J. And joining us to talk about them is someone whom I understand is an old friend of the Delicious Dish – Mr. Pete Scweddy.
[ Pete takes his seat behind the microphone ]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Pete. Welcome back.
Pete Schweddy: Hi, there.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Pete, I hear that the only thing you love more than cooking, is the great game of baseball.
Pete Schweddy: Oh, yes. Sometimes, when I’m in the stands, I get so fired up and out of control, I’ve been known to boo the other team.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooh.. I’d want to steer clear of that.
Pete Schweddy: For sure.
Lynn Vershad: Now, Pete, you’ve gained quite a reputation as the king of stadium-cooked cuisine.
Pete Schweddy: That’s right. I’m proud to say I’ve won great acclaim for my takes on popcorn, crackerjacks, and pretzel bread. But I think what I am most known for is my weiner.
Margaret Jo McCullen: your weiner. Wow. You don’t say.
Pete Schweddy: I sure do. Would you like to see it?
Margaret Jo McCullen: Please. Please. [ Pete pulls out a tray of weiners ] Wow..
Pete Schweddy: Is that some weiner, or what?
Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah, it’s a doozy, Pete.
Lynn Vershad: Now, is that a foot-long, or..?
Pete Schweddy: [ chuckles ] You flatter me!
Margaret Jo McCullen: I have to say, Pete, that’s a very thick one, too.
Pete Schweddy: I’d have to say it’s almost as thick as it is long.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, I can smell your wiener from here.
Pete Schweddy: Well, that is thanks to the Schweddy Family recipe. There’s no escaping the aroma of a Schweddy Family weiner.
Lynn Vershad: It, um.. it really does glistne, doesn’t it?
Pete Schweddy: Uh, yeah, it’s the weiners folks can’t seem to keep out of their mouthes.
Lynn Vershad: Well, then I bet it’s a big hit with the kids.
Pete Schweddy: Oh, yes, indeed. There’s nothing quite like the look on a child’s face the moment he gets a hold of his own Schweddy weiner.
[ call lines start to light up ]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, Lynn. the switchboard’s really lighting up! We’ll take your calls in a moment. But, first, I want to get my mouth around that weiner!
Pete Schweddy: Be my guest. Both of you ladies please have a go at it.
[ Margaret Jo and Lynn grab a Schweddy weiner ]
Lynn Vershad: Hmm.. I’m not sure I can handle this much meat..
Pete Schweddy: Well, you really don’t have to put the whole thing in your mouth at once.
Lynn Vershad: Maybe we can cut it half?
Pete Schweddy: I’d rather you didn’t!
Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, Pete, this peiner.. [ stifles her laughter ] A little verbal diarrhea.. This weiner’s so plump and firm. The weiners I’m accustomed to are usually wrinkled and grey. The phones are relaly going crazy – is it okay if we take a call?
Pete Schweddy: Oh, be my guest.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Okay. [ presses call button ] Delicious Dish. You’re on the air.
Lynn Vershad: Do you have a question for Pete Schweddy?
Caller: [ breathing heavily ] Yeah! Tell me about your weiner, Pete!
Pete Schweddy: Well, what would you like to know?
Caller: Do you touch it!
Pete Schweddy: Well, sure, I’m very hands-on with the famous Schweddy weiner.
Caller: Are you touching it now!
Pete Schweddy: Uh.. no, I’m not. The ladies are enjoying my weiner right now, actually. Any other waurions?
Caller: [ moans exuberantly ] Nooooooo, I’m all done..! Thanks..! [ hangs up ]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, thanks for calling.
Lynn Vershad: [ eating the weiner ] Mmm.. I just can’t keep your weiner out of my mouth.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Mmm-mmm.. it’s delicious!
Lynn Vershad: [ starts choking on the weiner ]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
Pete Schweddy: What’s wrong?
Margaret Jo McCullen: I think Lynn’s gagging on your weiner..
Pete Schweddy: Bend her over! Ben her over!
Margaret Jo McCullen: [ pushes Lynn forward ] Just relax your throat, Lynn! Just relax!
Pete Schweddy: [ pats Lynn’s back ] Let it slide out.
[ Lynn cough the weiner out of her throat ]
Margaret Jo McCullen: You alright?
Lynn Vershad: Boy.. that was scary for a minute.. but.. if I had to gag on a weiner, I’m glad it was yours, Pete.
Pete Schweddy: Well, I’m glad my Schwddy weiner didn’t disappoint you.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, that’s all the time we have here on the Delicious Dish. Join us next week, when our guest will be..
(Opens with a helicopter view of The Medical Center,cut to an elderly ward. Old folks in wheelchairs andin bed)
Nurse: OK, you guys. Listen up! You’re in for a treattoday because St. Joseph’s Hospital has organized alittle surprise for the elderly ward. We’re gonna havea young woman come out here and entertain usall.(reads from a piece of paper) Uh, you cancurrently catch her at Boner’s. Now please welcome thestand-up comedy stylings of miss JeannieDarcy.(Applauds)
(Two guys put up a fake brick wall in the middle ofthe room then leave. Jeannie with a mannish blue suitjogs into the room, stands with her back to the fakebrick wall, mic on hand)
Jeannie Darcy:(over rehearsed tone of voice) Hi folks!I’m Jeannie Darcy. Hey, this will be a lot of fun. Inever thought of going to a retirement home to get adate. I thought the only thing guys take out here aretheir teeth. Don’t get me started.(A woman cries forher sick mother, nurse observes)I’m getting prettydesperate. I’m suffering from PMMS. “Please Marry MeSomebody” Don’t get me started! Don’t even get mestarted!( Shot of two old folks nodding off in theirwheelchairs)But, uh, I don’t know, I’m just glad Ihave my cats. I can really relate to them. I’m alwaysburying all my crap too. Or so my therapist says.Don’t get me started. (shot of bubbling I.V.)Hey, canI ask you guys a question? Who here is on a date?(Shot of old lady, puzzled look on her face)It’s sohard to date in the 90’s, isn’t it ladies? When Ifirst read about safe sex I thought, “Oh great! Moreequipment” Are you with me? (Shot of old lady out likea bulb, facing the ceiling)Have you ever notice whatbabies men can be when they get a cold? If they had tohave children, painkillers would be in gumballmachines. Don’t get me started.(Shot of flat line, twoorderlies come into the room) You know, I’m kind ofafraid of labor pains. I don’t know why. I should beused to it because I’ve spent the last 3 years pushingto get my ex-husband out. (Orderlies cover up the bodyof old lady)”Congratulations Ms. Darcy. It’s a jerk!”234 pounds and 6 ounces.(Orderlies wheel out the deadold lady, one orderly throws a dirty look at Jeannie,she just continues her routine)Somebody cut thecord…..to his TV set. Don’t get me started! And whatabout stretch marks? My ex-husband developed a badcase of stretch marks….on his wallet! Don’t get mestarted! Don’t even get me started!
Nurse: Ms. Darcy, um, maybe now its not the best time.Do you want to take a break?
Jeannie Darcy:(ignores the nurse)And ladies, how goodare vibrators? The only thing that could make thembetter is if they took out the trash. Help me outhere, sister girlfriend!(Grieving daughter sobs)Myvibrator’s got 2 speeds. On and…on. Don’t get mestarted! Don’t even get me started!
Nurse: I really think you should stop, miss Darcy.
Jeannie Darcy: (looks at her, continues routine)Youknow one thing that bugs me? (Molly cracks up, trieshard to recover)You know one thing that bugs me? Menwho pee on the seat. Arrrrg! Don’t get me started!Don’t even get me started!
(Sobbing uncontrollably, gets up to Jeannie)
Grieving daughter: Please, stop this! I just lost my mother!
Jeannie Darcy: Hey! I remember my first beer too!Don’t get me started!(Grieving daughter leaves,Jeannie continues her routine)Well, you guys are greatand thanks for cheering me up. I’ve been a littledepressed since my boob job got laid off. Don’t get mestarted! Don’t even get me started!(Shot of old guysleeping, gasps, exhales)I’m Jeannie Darcy and don’tget me started.
Nurse: Well, um, miss Darcy I’m so sorry about what happened.
Jeannie Darcy: Oh, why? I thought it went pretty good.
Nurse: But that woman, she died right in front of you.
Jeannie Darcy: Oh, I’ve had much worse shows thanthat. I thought the vibrator stuff went pretty goodthough. But I guess I won’t know for sure till I gethome and plow through this micro cassette.(Takes out amini recorder from her pocket)I have over 470 hours ofme telling jokes on this micro cassettes so I guess Isort of have my work cut out for me. So, its been a pleasure.
(Shake hands with nurse)
Nurse: OK.
(Jeannie leaves, stops, returns)
Jeannie Darcy: By the way, if a gorgeous, sexy guywith a great body stops in, he’s probably gay. Don’tget me started! Don’t even get me started!
(Jeannie finally leaves, little jumps backwards,exits. Nurse attends to old guy)
Britanica…..Maya Rudolph Jonette…..Ana Gasteyer Lady Speed Stick…..Jennifer Lopez
(MTV Cribs bumper shown)
Announcer: Welcome to MTV Cribs, the show that lets you hop the fence and sneak a peek at the homes of your favorite stars. This week we head to Manhattan to drop in on the hottest new R&B trio, Geminis Twin!
(Cut to the twins inside their apartment. Their song, No Whack Whack plays in the background)
Jonette: Wassup MTV!
Britanica: Welcome to the beautiful home of the ladies of Geminis Twin in downtown
All: Man-Hatt-An!
Jonette: Okay, so today, were gonna give you a tour. Kick back and chill, cause we bout it, bout it.
Britanica: Now you all have probably noticed that yet again, we have a new mem-ber!
Jonette: MTV, give it up for our resident mistress of rhyme, Lady Speed Stick!
Lady Speed Stick: Cause Lady Speed Stick controls the funk 24-7 hours a dizz-ay!
Britanica: Alright, so lets begin the tour. So basically this is it.
Lady Speed Stick: Yeah, its little, but its where we fiddle, yall.
All: Mmm-Hmm.
Britanica: Yeah, its real small, cause see, because we are trying to overcome our monetary deficiencies, and watch ourselves from a financial perspective.
Jonette: Word. Thats also cause we broke like TLC.
Lady Speed Stick: Or Hammer. You saw Behind the Music?
Jonette: Yes, I did.
Britanica: We got a lot of overhead, like our designer wardrobes, hairdos
Jonette: Facials, salt water aquarium
Lady Speed Stick: Karate, pilates, looking for hotties
All: Mmm-hmm.
Jonette: Also, my dialect coach.
Britanica: Word, cause she from Scars-dale, but shes real sweet on the inside.
All: (singing in harmony) Sco-o-o-ottsd-a-a-a-le!
Britanica: White Girl!
Jonette: Okay, this is our living room, and its real special to us because its also the bedroom.
Britanica: See, the couch folds out into a bed.
Lady Speed Stick: Yeah. And you can sleep on it, too.
(Pan over to the minibar, which has various souvenirs on top of it)
Britanica: Right over here, yall, is the minibar, and also where we do our makeup, and where we display our collection from our worldwide European tour!
(Jonette holds up a piggy bank)
Jonette: Okay, this is a pig and a bank also, and its from Spain. You put coins in it; its real cool.
(Lady Speed Stick holds up a Russian stacking doll)
Lady Speed Stick: This right here is a Russian doll from China that has other dolls inside her. (opens it to reveal the other dolls inside) Its a trick.
Britanica: Word, we also got fragrance and Merit ultra lights from Duty Free in Italy.
Britanica: Ooh! Check it out yall, we got an intercom
Jonette: We got intercoms, yall! This is where we chop it up with all the delivery guys, yo!
Lady Speed Stick: (talking to the intercom) Yo, wassup Little Caesar! Haha!
Britanica: Pizza Pizza! Okay, now its time for one of our fav-or-ite areas the kitchenette!
Jonette: Yeah, cause Geminis Twin like to eat FOOD!
All: WHAT, WHAT!
Britanica: Lets see whats in the refrigerator, yo. Open sesame!
Jonette: (singing the tune to Kung Fu Fighting) Da-na-na-na na nuh-na-na-na!
(The fridge is opened, the various food items inside are shown)
Jonette: Okay, we got lots of nutritious foods cause we like to eat balanced.
Britanica: Yeah, like heres some Kraft Singles, fish sticks, goober grape peanut butter with the jelly mixed in.
Jonette: We got cat food, gummy worms, orange soda, Arm & Hammer box to keep it fresh.
Lady Speed Stick: Cant Believe Its Not Butter, Bacos, string cheese, Fruit Roll-Ups
Jonette: Ooh, this is my favorite from my house growin up; this sundried tomato spread from Williams Sonoma!
All: (singing in harmony) Williams Son-o-maaaa!
Lady Speed Stick: White People Food!
(closes fridge, pan over to a large, colourful painting)
Britanica: Check it out up here is our most prized possession of all, yall. Its a painting of the Gemini symbol.
Lady Speed Stick: Its very colourful and dramatized.
Britanica: Cause see, its where we get our inspiration, horoscopically.
Jonette: Because zodiologically speaking, the twins also remind us that we are three very powerful women.
Britanica: Word! Aight yall, before we go, we made up a little song for you, Gemini style. So why dont we kick it?
(music starts)
Britanica & Jonette: (singing)
Youll call up my nana and Carson Daly Cause we cold getting down on MTV You came to our crib, you see we got class Cause we more bout it bout it than those fools on jackass Jackass, jackass, jackass, jackass!
Lady Speed Stick: (rapping)
Check, Check one! Im gonna get to the intros mighty quick Johnette, Britanica and Lady Speed Stick We are the Twins of Gemini And we co-habitate on the Lower East Side Lower East Side, you chilled and you kicked it But the fun is over cause youre getting evicted
All: Scoot it out now, we just playin, MTV! Scoot it out now, we love you MTV! Scoot it out now, bye MTV!
Police Officer #2: I don’t know. No one knows much of anything about Moleculo..
Moleculo: [ rushes in – camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!
Police Officer #1: Okay, dude. We know! Thanks!
[ cut to The Daily Newspaper Building ]
Announcer: Later that day, back at The Daily Newspaper where Moleculo works under his secret identity of Brett Barker..
[ dissolve to interior ]
Chief: Good issue, gang, you did a bang-up job!
Jimmy & Lois: Thanks a lot, Chief!
Chief: And I gotta say, Brett Barker got a fantastic scoop on this Moleculo story! You know, he always seems to know when Moleculo’s gonna show up!
Lois: Wait a second.. you guys don’t think..?
Jimmy: Yeah, right! Brett Barker? Moleculo!
[ everyone laughs, as Brett Barker enters ]
Brett Barker: Hey, gang. What’s the good word?
Chief: We were just talking about this great story you wrote!
Brett Barker: Ah, thanks, Chief. I was just in the right place at the right time.
Lois: You know, you always seem to be in the right place at the right time – when it comes to Moleculo!
Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!
Jimmy: Yes. Him.
Chief: Well.. anyway.. I just wanted to say “Good Job” on this Moleculo story..
Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!
Lois: What is wrong with you?
Jimmy: Are you high?
Brett Barker: No, I.. I just have some work that I should probably do.. so.. see you later.. [ exits room ]
Jimmy: Something’s fishy about that Brett Barker..
Chief: Say, what do you mean?
Lois: Well.. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think it’s possible that Brett is somehow connected to Moleculo.
Brett Barker: [ crashes through wall, as camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann! [ pause, as everyone stares at him ] What?!
Chief: Okay. Okay! You’re Moleculo! Just admit it!
Brett Barker: Wait.. well, how’d you know..?
Jimmy: Oh, gee, I don’t know.. maybe it was Moleculo!
Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaa-.. ohh.. right.. it’s the yelling. Damn! I just can’t control it, you know? I get really excited.. Well, I guess my cover’s blown.
Lois: What will you do now?
Brett Barker: Well, in order to continue my crime-fighting ways, I must leave you, and travel somewhere far, far away. Farewell, oh friends. [ exits room ]
[ cut to Mexico, Brett Barker seen inside El Diario De Hoy ]
Mexican: Ah, Senor Barker. Muchas gracis. Su historia es muy excelente.
Brett Barker: !A mi me gusta mi trabajo mucho!
Mexican: Trabejo soy yo le Moleculo.
Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] El hombre de los moleculos!
Mexican: [ pause ] Tu el es Moleculo?
Brett Barker: [ throws off sombrero ] Si.. si.. caramba!
General…..Chris Parnell Alec Baldwin…..Sgt. Jack Wilcox Soldier #1…..Jerry Minor Soldier #2…..Rachel Dratch Soldier #3…..Will Ferrell Soldier #4…..Darrell Hammond Soldier #5…..Chris Kattan Soldier #6…..Jimmy Fallon Soldier #7…..Tracy Morgan
[ SUPER: “South China Sea: The Island of Hainan, April 6, 2001” ]
General: Okay, listen up, people. I’ve just come back from talking with our embassy, and I’m sorry to report, but the Chinese are not going to let us go yet, and it could be a while. Settle down. It looks like they will let us go eventually.. but they’re probably gonna keep the plane, so.. How did we do destroying vital information? Steve?
Soldier #1: Dylan and I were able to dump all code books, sir.
General: Great job, guys. Uh.. encryption?
Soldier #2: Uh, we think we knocked out 70% of our encryption, but time ran out.
General: Good enough. Digital tapes and hard drives?
Soldier #3: We destroyed everything, sir. They’d have to take the plane apart to get anywhere near that stuff.
General: Okay. Pretty good. For now, we just sit tight and wait. Like I said, it’s gonna be a long time.
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: [ moves forward ] Anyone wanna know what I think?
General: Oh, yeah.. I don’t think you had a chance to meet him on board. This is Sgt. Jack Wilcox, on loan from the Marines.
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Yes. Sure, we could sit around and wait.. or we could take them!
Soldier #3: What was that?
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: We could knock them out!
Soldier #3: [ confused ] The Chinese?
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: You’ve got a problem with that, Soldier?
Soldier #3: Well, there’s a billion of them..
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Those are my kind of odds..
Soldier #4: Where’d you get that gun? They strip-searched all of us.
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: I was keepin’ it nice and warm! You know, I’ve got extra clips, too.
General: Okay. That’s great. Hopefully, we won’t need to use force, but thanks for –
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: I’ve also got a grenade, a field radio, a Chinese-English dictionary, and enough cyanide capsules to take us all out!
Soldier #5: You keep all that up your butt?
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: [ steps forward ] That’s right, Fly-Boy! We’re not up in the air playing video games in that floating arcade you call a spy plane any more! We’re in my world now! And the way I see it, we can either relax in here for a few more days, or we can mount a counter-attack!
General: Alright now, let’s not talk about attacking anybody, okay?
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: You did your training, Soldier?
General: Most of us here were trained in an Intelligence Gathering.
Soldier #6: You know, like, computers.. stuff like that.
Soldier #4: Yeah. I speak six dialects of Mandarin..
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Surely, you all had basic training?
Soldier #2: Uh.. I stepped through some tires once. Is that what you’re talking about?
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: It’ll have to do. As we were coming over the island, I noticed an oil refinery about two clicks back! I’ll take four men, and we’ll hit it tonight! When you hear the blast, the rest of you take off for the south side of the island!
Soldier #3: No.
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: The Vice Squad will take out the plane and secure a boat! Lay low! Eat bugs and grass ’til we get back! Got it!
Soldier #7: [ eating out of a bowl with chopsticks ] Hey, hey, I’m not eating no bugs and no grass, man! Personally, I like this food they served us – I got some sesame shrimp right here!
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Oh, I get the picture. I know how you all feel. [ patriotic music plays over him ] War was a rough business. Women and college boys need not apply! When we signed on for this gig, we knew it wasn’t gonna be a cakewalk! We also knew we were signing up on the winning team – OUR TEAM!! Now, I don’t pretend to know who these Chinese people are – I know they’re small, maybe 1 or 2 feet high! I know they sound funny when they talk, I know the womenfolk have sideways vaginas! But underneath their scales, they’re just like you and me. Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I can’t take on a billion of them..
Soldier #3: Yeah, you can’t.
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Maybe with a little luck, I can pull this thing through and take this country! The American people don’t pay me to be a ballerina! They pay me to be a soldier! So! Who’s coming with me! [ no one moves ] So that’s the way it’s gonna be? Alright. [ weeping ] Just tell Shirley.. that I love her! [ runs toward the camera, arms extended, screaming as the screen freezes ]
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “Of course this is just a comedy sketch, there’s no way to know hat’s really happening in China right now. We can only hope for a peaceful solution, but maybe, just maybe, one man will take the whole country. Wouldn’t that be great! A Starbucks on every corner!”
Rod….Will Ferrell Carol….Katie Holmes A.D….Chris Kattan Richard….Chris Parnell Black Actor….Tracy Morgan
[Opens on a movie set. Its a cop thriller. Rod plays a thug, Carol plays a detective, a black actor plays Carol’s partner and Richard is the director]
A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 108, take 4![clack]
Richard: And action!
[Scene plays. Carol and his partner have Rod with his arms up at gunpoint]
Rod: Its like I told you lady—I ain’t talking to no cops without my lawyer.
Carol: So you think you’re a tough guy, Spinelli? Is that it? Well, I don’t like tough guys.
Rod: That ain’t my problem, missy.
Carol: Oh, yeah? Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting and Carol grabs Rod violently by the balls]So, who sold you the stuff, huh?!
Rod: [panicked] Hey, man! This chick is crazy man! Get her off me ,man!
Carol: What’s the matter Spinecky? Spi–damn it!
Richard: All right, cut, cut. Great intensity Carol. Don’t worry. We’ll do it again. How are you doing, Rod?
Rod: [in some pain] Not bad. I think I have one more in me.
Richard: Ok, great. Now Carol, remember, you’re a woman on the force, all right? They don’t respect you. You got to prove that you’re tough, all right? Don’t hold back. Rod’s a pro. Ok? All right, we’ll start from “that ain’t my problem”. Ok?
A.D.: “Tough as nails”. Scene 108, take 5![clack]
Richard: And action!
[scene plays again]
Rod: That ain’t my problem, missy.
Carol: Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs Rod’s balls hard]So where’s the stuff?!
Rod: [in pain] Hey, man! This chick’s crazy, man! Get her off me, man!
Carol: Oh, what’s the matter Spinelli? You want your mamma?
Richard: And cut! That was great.
Rod:[exhausted] Moving on!
Richard:[to Carol] Hold up. I had an idea. Maybe you come at him soft, you know, you’re real quiet-type like, but then you get your hands on those gonads and you really turn the screws on them, you know, maybe twist them.
Carol: Twist them.
Richard: Don’t stop squeezing until you hear a crunch, you know what I mean? You hate him. He knows who killed your partner, ok? You know what I mean? Rod, you good, buddy?
Rod: Well, actually Richard to tell you the truth its just a little uncomfortable.
Richard: So lets do one more and then we’ll call it a day. Ok? All right? You start, Carol.
A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 108, take 6![clack]
Richard: And action!
[Scene plays again]
Carol: Oh, yeah? Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs the balls harder]Now who sold you the stuff, huh?!
Black Actor: Let go! Let go, man! That ain’t cool!
Richard: Cut! Come on, guys. Don’t ad-lib in here. Don’t ad-lib.
Black Actor: That was hurting me!
Carol: I really dug into him on that one.
Richard: You know what? I’d like to see more. Rod, what’s wrong, pal?
Rod:[in extreme pain] A fire down below, Richard. Can we take it easy?
Richard: All right.Ok. Carol, let up a bit. Rod’s getting sore.[whispers]Go at him even harder. If I know Rod this will be real Oscar stuff.[normal voice] Ok, nice and easy for Rod.
A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 8, take 7![clack]
Richard: And action!
[Scene plays again]
Carol: Oh, yeah? Well I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs balls violently]Now who sold you the stuff, huh?
Rod:[in agony]Ok, ge-,ge-, da-da-da.[music sting, another violent handful to the nuts]Get her off!!!
Carol: What’s the matter, Spinelli? You want your mamma?
Rod: Uh-huh! I do! I WANT MY MAMMA! I WANT MY MAMMA!
[a boom mike is visible in the shot]
Richard: And cut! cut! Great on performance gang. But I got a boom mike in the shot. Hello? Ok, lets take it from the grab and do three in a row real quick. Ok? And action!
[scene plays, music sting, violent grabbing on Rod’s nuts]
Carol: So who sold you the stuff, huh?
Rod: Yipe!!!
[music sting, violent ball grab]
Carol: Who sold you the stuff, huh?
Rod:[in pain] No, thank you!!
[music sting, violent ball grab]
Carol: Who sold you the stuff, huh?
Rod: Eeee-yaaak!
Richard: Great. We almost got it. Almost.
Rod: Richard, I’m getting some swelling. Could you come over here and take a look? I mean…
[Richard looks down Rod’s pants]
Richard: Yikes! Is that from today?
Rod: I believe so. And it would in my best interest if we just moved on.
Richard: I can see what you mean. Gosh, I would hate to miss this shot, though. It really is the whole movie. Uh, could you give me one more?
Rod: No.
Richard: Tell you what. Let me talk it over with Carol. See what we come up with, all right? Carol, listen, Rod is losing it, ok? I’m in a real bind here. I don’t think grabbing him is working. I don’t know…
Carol: Well, why don’t I just kick him?
Richard: I like it, I like it a lot. Rod, problem solved. She’s not gonna squeeze you at all.
Rod: Great. As long as she doesn’t come close to my testicle area, that’d be great. These babies are big, red and sore as hell.
Richard: And action! Go! Carol! Go!
[Carol kicks Rod square in the balls]
Rod: Cheese and biscuits!
Richard: And cut! Great! We got it, gang! We got it. That’s a wrap! Unless you want another try Rod.
Rod: [in pain] No, no, no, no. I’m good. No, I’m gonna, just gonna go head on home and maybe catch a bite to eat or something. Maybe watch some tv and um,[Rod bends and picks up something from the floor] and, uh, uh, while I’m there, I might see if I can sew these babies back on.[Rod carries his swollen, red, black and blue balls in his hands]Yeah, yeah.[walks off]
Gene Wilder/Willy Wonka…..Jeff Richards
Voice over…..Will Ferrell
Denise Nickerson/Violet Beauregaurd…..Rachel Dratch
Julie Dawn Cole/Veruca Salt…..Drew Barrymore
Mr. Salt…..Haratio Sanz
Nelly Furtado…..Maya Rudolph
Peter Ostrum/Charlie Bucket…..Amy Poehler
Telly Savalas…..Darrell Hammond
Sidney Poitier…..Dean Edwards
…..Tracy Morgan
(Willy Wonka in front of the chocolate pond in Willy Wonka and theChocolate Factory sings…)
“There is no place I know to compare with pure imagination”
Voice over: It’s the one and only Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, now to commemorate the 30th anniversary of this family classic, Warner home video presents this special Willy Wonka collectors edition on DVD. Also included is a brand new documentary featuring interviews with the original Wonka kids including the incorrigible Violet Boragard.
(Cut to movie scene)
Violet: Hmmm, delicious tomato soup, hmm oh second course is coming up. Roast beef with baked potato hmm. Here comes the dessert, oh it’s the most marvelous blue berry pie. (starts turning blue)
Willy Wonka: It always goes wrong at the dessert.
(cut to a very blue very inflated Violet)
Violet: I feel kinda funny, whats happening to me?
(Cut to Denise Nickerson/Violet Beauregaurd now, shes older, but stillhas bright blue face and hands)
Violet: I had a fantastic time making that movie. A lot of the special effects were brand new, they hadnt even been tested yet. Would I do it again? … no.
Voice over: And who could forget the spoiled brat Veruca Salt.
(Cut to movie seen with Veruca and father)
Veruca: Daddy I want a golden goose and I want it now.
(Cut to Julie Dawn Cole/ Veruca Salt now, wearing tight clothing andsmoking a cigarette)
Veruca: Yeah I moved back to London to start my own rock band, but then I found out that there was already another band named Veruca Salt. So instead I make my living by having men pay me 75 pounds a pop to say Daddy I want it now, give it to me…NOW!!!
Voice over: The Willy Wonka Collectors edition includes a newly recorded version of the celebrated Oompa Loompa song, sung by pop sensation Nelly Furtado.
(Cut to Nelly Furtado with two Oompa Loompas. She sings to the tune ofTurn out the light)
Nelly Furtado:
“I said a Oompa-Loompa Doopody Doo
I got another present for you
I said a Oopa Loompa Doopody de
Its Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
oh woah woah, yeah
Turn out the light, turn out the light”
(Nelly dances with the Oompa Loompas)
Voice over: Youll enjoy actor Peter Ostrum in his first interview since the movies release thirty years ago.
(cut to movie scene)
Charlie Bucket: I found a golden ticket, I found a golden ticket!)
(Cut to a flaming Charlie Bucket/ Peter Ostrum now)
Charlie Bucket: Let me tell you I made a lot of good friends on the Wonka set. Augustus Gloop and I became very close. He was the big powerful German boy woo! We roomed together in college, and for a while after that. But Willy Wonka will always be a part of me. In fact, guys who hang out in my condo call it one big chocolate factory!
Voice over: The Willy Wonka collectors edition includes never before seen screen tests with Hollywood’s brightest stars of 1971, including the star of TVs Kojack Telly Savalas.
Telly Savalas: Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew! Now you listen to me, who loves ya (licks lolly-pop and stares intensely into the camera) baby.
Voice over: And an unforgettable screen test with Academy Award winner Sidney Poitier.
Sidney Poitier: They.. call me.. Mr. Wonka!!
Voice over: Sparkling with beautifully restored picture and sound, this collection features never before seen out-takes.
(Cut to movie scene in front of psychedelic backgrounds)
Willy Wonka: Theres no earthly way of knowing, which direction we are going. For the fires of Hell are glowing! YES! For the rowers keep on rowing! And theyre certainly not showing, any signs that they are slowing! EEHHHH!!!!! Hey, wait a minute, this is a childrens film right?
Tracy Morgan voice over: (laughing) Order the Willy Wonka Collectors edition today!
Sway: Welcome to the Geminis Twin Weekend! Im Sway! Its all Gemini, all the time, all weekend, 24-2! Now, from their latest CD, America the Bootyful, which drops today, the spankin new video from the ladies of Geminis Twin Red, White, and Not You!
(cut to video)
(The twins are dressed as patriotic runway models and walk down a runway aisle)
All members: (singing) Red is the color of my heart White is the color of your lies Blue is what youre gonna be If you keep on messin with me
Comin home late at night Smelling like aroma spirits Actin’ like you’re outta sight With your nasty overbite (oh-ohh)
You be actin’ all robotic When I’m tryin to get erotic So why you goinâ all psychotic That aint very patriot-ic! Oh, no no no
All you wanna do is bone Like a caveman, Fred Flintstone Play you like a saxophone Pass you like a kidney sto-o-o-ne
There aint no more you and me GT-3, we out!
(clip ends, cut to MTV set)
Sway: Yo, now lets give it up for Geminis Twin!
(the members enter)
Sway: Yo, the video was mad patriotic! So Geminis Twin, theres a lotta serious business goin on in the world today. How yall crackin lately?
Britannica: Well, this has been a real reflectionary period of time for us as individuals and as members of America.
Joanette: Mmm-hmm. Weve been in a real stressful conditionality in regards to our poker capacity.
Britannica: Which resulted in us eatin a lotta Popeyes. And Taco Bell.
Joanette: Basically we was getting chunky sweet.
Britannica: Word, our manager put us on a weight loss pruz-o-gram!
All members: (singing a capella) Americans diet, high pro-ty-ine!
Sway: Cool, cool. Yo, Ive gotta question for the new girl who are you?
Chanterell: Im the new member, they call me Chanterell.
Britannica: Yeah, we call her that cause her real name is Bridget.
Chanterelle: Word. And Bridget sounds mad white, yo.
Joanette: But its all good cause she make me look ethnic.
Chanterelle: Word, see they both white you know what Im sayin?
Sway: Yeah, word on that. And I hear you guys met by accident. So give us the 411!
Britannica: Okay, see heres what happened, Sway. We was on our tour bus and we was tryin to decide where to eat. See, I wanted them salty biscuits from Red Lobster with the cheese up them
Joanette: Mmm-hmm and I wanted Bob Evans for the beef and noodles.
Britannica: Yeah, things got crazy, then my dad got all cranked up and started yellin out when we realized no one was at the wheel.
Joanette: Yeah, and then we ran into her. I was like, “I’m gonna sue!” and they was like, “Hold up, you wanna be in the group?” I was like, “What group?”, and they was like, “Geminis Twin!” and I was like, “I aint never heard of them, but aight!”
Britannica: Yeah, we glad she didnt sue cause we wanna steer clear of issues involving law and order chung-chung!
Chantrelle: Mmm-hmm. Drama dismissed!
All members: (cheering) No drama! No drama! No-no-no drama!
Sway: No doubt, no doubt. So what can you tell us about the new album?
Britannica: Well, we just felt it was real important to get an album out right away so we could sell it.
Sway: So, are any of the proceeds goin to charity?
Britannica: Well, we discussed that and decided it didnt fit into our world right now.
Joanette: But we do encourage anyone who is sufferin to go out and buy our album.
Britannica: Word, cause the people who buy our album are the real heroes.
(singing a capella) Hee-roooo-oes!
Chanterelle: Sam Goody!
Sway: Thats deep, yo! But seriously, we gotta give our props to the U.S.A. I love you U.S.A., youre beautiful. Yo, how come yall dont call me no more, U.S.A? Naw, Im just playin wit you. I be pretending the U.S.A. was a real person, yall!
All members: Thats aight, youre funnin, you real cool!
Sway: Aight yall, that about wraps it up for the Geminis Twin Weekend. Ladies, why dont you take us out with a little bit of America the Bootyful?
All Members: Aight, aight! Yeah, lets do it!
(singing a capella)
And and and And crown thy good with bo-o-otyhood From me to shining meeeee-ughwhoo-whoo yeah!
Sway: This is Sway wrapping it up with Geminis Twin and they gon pay!
