Female Executive…..Amy Poehler …..Brian Williams Male Executive 1…..Jason Sudeikis Male Executive 2…..Bill Hader Dunham…..Will Forte Farina…..Maya Rudolph Musician…..Andy Samberg Larry…..Fred Armisen Janet…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center ]
[ dissolve to interior, NBC News Headquarters ]
Female Executive: Brian, the numbers are consistent — we just haven’t been able to make any headway with the younger demographic.
Brian Williams: I think that’s our whole problem — the kids are getting their news off the Internet and these… [ says it with mild disgust ] podcasts.
Male Executive 1: I so TOTALLY agree!
Male Executive 2: We should get Mo Rocca to do a nightly Blog report!
Male Executive 1: No, that’s — [ looks toward Brian ]
Brian Williams: Stupid.
Male Executive 1: SO stupid!!
Female Executive: Well, what about the open?
Brian Williams: Well, I’m so glad you asked. That’s where we need to be fresh and new. I’ve hired Dunham & Kirk to come up with something new for us.
Male Executive 2: The Dunham & Kirk?
Brian Williams: Uh, well — yes. [ presses intercom button ] Mrs. Dunham… can you send in Dunham & Kirk?
[ a pack of studio musicians enter the boardroom and congregate at the head of the table ]
Brian Williams: Well, you’re the — you’re the magic makers, they tell me. Why don’t you show me what you’ve got.
Dunham: Great! You are not gonna believe the juicy tracks we’ve jammed out for this gig! Now, uh — here’s your news theme now: [ to the tune of the NBC Nightly News theme ] “Bore — bore — boring! Boring, boring, boring!” Okay, and now… here’s your news theme with a funky twist. Hit it, Farina!
Farina: [ as the studio musicians jam ] “It’s a low-down, dir-tee cit-tay! Gettin’ down to the nit-ty grit-tay! Baby, though you’re no good at this may-lay [ ?? ] You got no corn-bread and candy jel-lay [ ?? ] [ ??? ] [ ??? ] Nightly News!”
Brian Williams: That was — that was awfully urban. Do you have anything else?
Musician: Yeah. Check this out! [ sings variant of “Frasier” ] “Baby, I hear the blues a-callin’ Tosses salad and scrambled eggs. Night-ly Newwwwwwws, oh my!”
Brian Williams: [ beside himself ] That’s clearly the theme from “Frasier”.
Musician: [ smirks ] Bust-ed!
Brian Williams: I — I need something young, yes — but — but dignified.
Dunham: Dignified? We got dignified comin’ out our ass! Larry, show ’em what we got in the Dignified Department! Hardcore rap!
Larry: Yeah, check it out. [ raps ] “Brian Williams takin’ up the ho-mie! Pumpin’ cherries like a horny bunny! Smokin’ blunts and drinkin’ all the forties! And now we’ll make some mo-nay!”
Male Executive 2: Ooh-ooh! I like that!
Female Executive: No. Really, really stupid.
Dunham: Uh, we know that… and that’s why we came up with this. Janet?
Janet: Oh, you’re gonna love this. [ in a mellow tone ] “Kittycats, old-fashioned spats. A ball of yarn and happy chats. A la-a-a-a-a-and of color… and yooooooouuuu.”
Brian Williams: You know what? We’re — we’re — we’re flailing. Enough of that. What happened to the idea I sent you for an opening segment?
Dunham: [ confused ] We didn’t see any idea from you.
Male Executive 2: I thought we all agreed your idea wasn’t… that… good?
Female Executive: Yeah, we didn’t think we would really go with that. [ to Dunham & Kirk ] What else do you guys have?
Brian Williams: It may be easy for you, but, at the end of the day, it’s my name on the masthead —
Male Executive 1: It’s HIS name.
Brian Williams: And I put myself OUT THERE every evening to this nation, and I’d like to go with my idea, and that’s it.
Male Executive: I — I think it’s a GREAT idea! It’s a super genius idea, sir!
[ dissolve to the opening of “NBC Nightly News” ]
Brian Williams: On the broadcast tonight, the War in Iraq. Will is spill over into Iran? As winter approaches, how much will we all be paying to heat our homes this year? And the new numbers out from the Fed — are we heading into a recession? “Nightly News” begins now.
[ cut to James Bond-style graphics of Brian Williams in dark silhoette attacking his enemies with the news, as girls sing and dance around a tuxedo-clad Brian Williams amid action sequences ]
Theme: “Watch out, World, ’cause here comes The Williams! Look out, World, ’cause here comes The Williams! Watch out, Bad Guys, ’cause here comes The Williams! Kickin’ and a-punchin’, that’s Brian Williams! Night! Ly! News! Brian Williams!”
[ cut to Brian Williams behind his newsdesk ]
Brian Williams: I’m Brian Williams, and that’s how I roll.
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers Barbara Birmingham…..Kenan Thompson Roger A. Trivanti…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.
Pat Philbin, the man who staged a fake FEMA news conference on the California wildfires this week, has lost his promotion because of the event, which begs the question, “What does it take to actually get fired from FEMA?”
Before announcing her retirement on Thursday, Martina Hingis revealed she had been accused for testing positive for cocaine at Wimbledon, but denied having ever used it. Though after she left, the officials did notice the baseline was missing.
Seth Meyers: During the democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying “There’s only 3 things he mentions in a sentence: A noun, a verb, and 9/11.” Giuliani later responded, saying, “Joe Biden sucks 9/11.”
Hillary Clinton, on Thursday, visited Wellesley College and told students that “This all-womens’ college prepared me to compete in the all-boys club of presidential politics.” Although, she said afterwards, it was hard to speak at a school that was so pro-bush.
Amy Poehler: After reaching an impasse during contract negotiations with the Alliance In Motion Pictures and Television Producers this week, the Writers Guild of America has announced their intention to go on strike this Monday. Here with some insight on the strike and it’s larger effect with the entertainment industry, is studio head Roger A. Trivanti.
[Roger A. Trivanti scoots over]
Roger A. Trivanti: Well, thank you, Amy, now allow me to begin by saying we producers consider you writers one of our most highly regarded assits, and one of our most highly rewarded! Working writers, on average, earn over two hundred thousand dollars a year. So, you can see why we have problems when you cry poverty, and go on strike.
Amy Poehler: Okay, well, how much does the average studio head make a year?
Roger A. Trivanti: Barely 12 million. More if you get fired. And, while that seems like– It seems like a lot of money, but it’s not! You know, back in the day, studio heads were given a house full of money, and when that money was gone, you got a new money house until the day you died, but DVDs on the internet have put an end to all that. You know how much it takes to make a DVD? 60 cents. You know how much we charge? 29 dollars! And the writers now want a piece of the profit. What profit?!? You know, we asked our accountants to figure out what 29 dollars minus 60 cents is, and you know what they came up with?
Amy Poehler: $28.40?
Roger A. Trivanti: Negative 13 dollars. And, I tell you, it’s even worse on the internet. You know, we just post movies and television shows for free!
Amy Poehler: Yeah, but don’t you collect ad revenues from websites?
Roger A. Trivanti: Amy! How many times do I have to explain this? It’s not like saying, “Uh, does a magazine collect revenues for putting ads on a magazine? It’s, uh, it’s, uh, it’s uh… [chuckles] It’s irrelevant! You know, and no one’s making any money, Amy! No one! And, if we were, the writers would be the first ones to get a check!
Amy Poehler: Yeah, okay, I see.
Roger A. Trivanti: Do you? Do you see, Amy? Because, maybe going on strike, and not getting paid looks pretty good from the top of 200,000 dollars, but you know what? I don’t have 200,000 dollars! I wish I had 200,000 dollars, but I don’t! I only have 20 million dollars! And now, this strike is going to require some serious belt tightening on my part. I’m going to have to go from a private jet, I’m going to have to fly on first class! Like a monkey! What else? No more insulating the pool house gold bars, thank you very much! And finally, you know, my son, with a tooth, he’s only going to get a quarter, instead of a night with a hooker.
[As audience gives a groan of laughter and suprise, Roger gives them a surprised confused look right back at them]
Roger A. Trivanti: I’m going to say something, and I mean this. I hope you writers get ass cancer and die!
Amy Poehler: Wow! Roger A. Trivanti, everyone! Roger A. Trivanti! That’s what we have to deal with! Yup, that’s right.
Seth Meyers: Singapore Airlines, the first operating of the new Air bus 380, has asked its passengers on the world’s biggest jumbo jet to refrain from sex in one of its 12 first-class suites which have double beds. Said the passengers, “No.”
J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter books, revealed last week that the Hogwarts headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, is gay. What’s worse? He has hogwarts.
Amy Poehler: Applebee’s shareholders have voted to approve the new one billion dollar budget purchase of IHop restaurants. The deal was celebrated at neither an Applebee’s nor an IHop.
A Seattle federal grand jury is instigating allegations by a model, saying that she was raped, assaulted, and threatened by magician David Copperfield at his private island in the Bahamas. When asked for comment, Copperfield said, “Yes, I raped her. Yes, I assaulted her. Yes, I threatened her. But, more importantly, is this your card?” [Amy holds up a poker card]
Seth Meyers: Alex Rodriguez announced Sunday, he would opt out of his contract with the Yankees to become a free agent. He’d be a perfect fit for teams to burn, but hate winning.
A woman in Minnesota wants to file abuse charges against a friend who was pet sitting her pot-belly pig, and allowed the animal to get fat. I’m no legal expert, but here’s how the case will go, “What kind of pig? Case dismissed!”
Amy Poehler: The Missouri highway patrol has been testing a new scanning device that can detect the presence of meth with only the click of a button. It’s called a flashlight.
Author, Aubrey De Grey, has published a new book, called “Ending Aging”, in which he feels means aging is a disease that can one day be cured. Now, before you dismiss this guy as a nut job, this is De Grey.
[a picture of a baby smoking a pipe pops up. Amy kisses it]
Seth Meyers: It was reported that because of the success of the Disney cartoon, “Ratatouille”, the demand for rats as pets has soared. This according to one guy on Avenue Lane, who tried to sell me a rat.
It appears that Ashley Olsen has become romantically involved with Lance Armstrong. They have even been seen riding around the city on a bike built for one and a quarter.
Amy Poehler: Halloween was this past Wednesday. Here now with a commentary on this year’s festivities, is our favorite Update nanny, Barbara Birmingham.
Barbara Birmingham: Mhm. That’s what I’m talking about. That’s right. Wooh! Amy. The… other one. Halloween is a chance for thousands of kids to dress up in something fun! Unfortunately, the most popular costume for young ladies was apparently that of a whore. It ain’t Little Bo Peep. It’s Little Ho Creep down at 5th Avenue. The other night, a girl came by my house dressed as a nurse with her blussums exposed. I told her, “Don’t you be defaming nurses! Nurses are heroes! I had one of them take good care of me, when my sugarbetes flaired up. And you know, if it wasn’t for nurses, Barbara Birmingham might only have one foot!
[Puts cigarette in her mouth, then takes a dramatic pause, and then puffs the smoke out of her nose]
Barbara Birmingham: Now, uh, freedom of expression is one thing, but kids are pushing it too far. You don’t know how lucky you are! Why, when I was growing up, the only costumes we had was milkmen, and slaves!
Seth Meyers: I don’t think that’s a costume.
[Barbara Birmingham jumps up on the Weekend Update desk, going after Seth]
Barbara Birmingham: Hey! What the hell!
[Barbara Birmingham slowly returns to her seat]
Barbara Birmingham: You don’t know me like that, Meyers… You don’t know me like that.
Barbara Birmingham: Continuing! Here is an example of kids that I see today!
[Barbara picks up a Barbie doll]
Barbara Birmingham: Mm.. Mm.. Mm.. It’s a shame. Listen to me baby, if you keep this up, nothing is going to end up in that little candy bag, except for problems and last night’s panties! [Has Barbie turn to the camera, as she sings the tune of Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab”] “It’s time for you to go to rehab, ‘cuz you’re a ho, ho, ho.” Now, parents, if you want more advice on raising your children the right way, buy my book, “Daddy’s Little Whore: A Damn Shame” by Barbara Birmingham. It’s available only at Gimbels.
Seth Meyers: Um, Gimbels closed in 1997.
[Barbara jumps on the Update desk, once more]
Barbara Birmingham: What?!? I’m going to get you!
[Barbara gets back off]
Barbara Birmingham: Give it to me!
Amy Poehler: Thank you, Barbara Birmingham, everyone! Are you alright? Whoa. But, she’s great with kids… she’s great with kids.
Seth Meyers: [breaking off cue cards] She actually got my tie. Barbara Birmingham is… WAY faster than she looks! [tries fixing his tie] She undid the top button!
Amy Poehler: Let me see. [She slants the tie loose and to the left]
Seth Meyers: Alright, there we go. [does a drunken voice] Good evening. [Follows back on cue cards]
A hunter in Iowa is recovering after he was shot at close range by his dog. One witness says he’s never heard a dog laugh so hard.
British grandmother, Peggy Mcalpine, celebrated her hundredth birthday, this week, by becoming the world’s oldest paraglider. Though, she would have preferred to have done it voluntarily.
[News photo reveals Peggy being thrown out the plane by men, as Seth laughs in shame]
Amy Poehler: To help produce the number of pigeons in the Staten Island fairy terminal, the councilman is proposing feeding the birds birth control pills. This after having no luck with the abstinence pamphlets.
An 84-foot Norway spruce from Shelton, Connecticut, has been selected to be this year’s Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree/bum urinal.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 33: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
February 23rd, 2008 Tina Fey Carrie Underwood None Amber Lee Ettinger Steve Martin Gov. Mike Huckabee Don Pardo Simon Rich CNN Univision Democratic DebateSummary: News anchors fawn over hopeful Democratic nominee Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) while barely paying attention a delusional Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler). Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton. Bio: Amber Lee Ettinger (1983-). Actress, model; appears as “Obama Girl” in a series of Internet videos, most notably “I Got a Crush… on Obama”. Transcript
MontageNote: Maya Rudolph does not appear in this episode. Note: Casey Wilson joins the show as a featured performer.
Tina Fey’s MonologueSummary: Tina Fey is excited to be hosting the first show following the Writer’s Guild strike, but former TV scribe-turned-actor Steve Martin jumps onstage to offer tips on making the transition to actress. Transcript
annualeSummary: New women’s hygeine product makes it possible for women to endure their period just once a year, albeit with dangerous side effects the remainder of the year. Transcript
Rock of Love 2Summary: One-legged Amber (Amy Poehler) vies for Bret Michaels’ (Jason Sudeikis) on his reality dating program. Recurring Characters: Amber. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: As “A Message to Old People”, an elderly man demonstrates how he is able to place his grandsons (Bill Hader, Andy Samberg) in popular movies as a treat for their grandma. Transcript
What’s That Bitch Talking About?Summary: Male (Bill Hader) and female (Tina Fey) game show contestants must decipher cryptic phone messages spoken by various models. Transcript
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Despite the mathematical impossibility, Gov. Mike Huckabee still thinks he has a chance to beat Sen. John McCain for the Republican Party nomination. Making a return to the desk to discuss “Women’s News”, Tina Fey insists that Hillary Clinton is the best candidate for the Democratic Party nomination. Transcript
NBCSummary: A series of promos for NBC’s exhaustive “Celebrity Apprentice” incarnations in Thursday’s prime-time line-up. Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Ted Allen, Mary Jo Buttafuaco, John Mark Karr, Charles Barkley, Jennifer Tilly, Gene Simmons, Lance Ito. Transcript
Ed’s ToastSummary: A drunken Ed Mahoney (Jason Sudeikis) makes an ass of himself while toasting the groom (Will Forte) at a wedding reception. Recurring Characters: Ed Mahoney. Transcript
Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon RidesSummary: Trying not to rub it in anyone’s face, Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) advertises rides on her hot air balloon. Transcript
I Drink Your MilkshakeSummary: The Oscar-nominated film “There Will Be Blood” becomes a Food Network spin-off, as Daniel Plainview (Bill Hader) and his son H.W. (Amy Poehler) wander through a malt shop drinking other patrons’ milkshakes. Transcript
Carrie Underwood performs “Flat On The Floor”
Lady BusinessSummary: NBC unveils yet another “Sex and the City” copycat drama featuring an all-women cast. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Funeral ArrangementsSummary: Patriarch (Fred Armisen) discusses burial options with his family, which results in a series of financial arguments.
Family DinnerSummary: When a man (Will Forte) brings his girlfriend (Tina Fey) home for dinner, he worries that his sloppy brother (Andy Samberg) will sleep with her behind his back.
Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon Rides IISummary: Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) flirts with herself while riding in her hot air balloon.
Cruise ShipSummary: Two guys (Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis) meet a pair of girls (Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig) from Philadelphia while on a cruise ship.
Woman…..Tina Fey Second Woman…..Kristen Wiig Third Woman…..Amy Poehler Fourth Woman…..Casey Wilson
[ open on Woman walking across the scene ]
Announcer: What if you could have your period… just once a year?
Woman: [ she smiles ] My period? Once a year?
[ cut to Second woman, shopping for shoes ]
Second Woman: Once a year? I’d like that!
Announcer: New Annuale extends the time between your period… by eleven months.
[ cut to Third Woman, exercising on a mat ]
Third Woman: How does it work?
[ cut to close-up of hands opening the multi-pack of pills ]
Announcer: Each Annuale pack has forty-four weeks of active pills, instead of the usual three, keeping you on a constant stream fo hormones so your time of the month can be just once a year.
[ cut to Fourth Woman, painting a pink circle ]
Fourth Woman: That’s all I have time for! [ she laughs ]
[ cut to Woman and Third Woman chatting ]
Woman: And, when it is time for your period… hold on to your f–kin’ hat!
[ cut to black-and-white footage of Woman on a rampage, swinging a pink axe at her co-workers ]
[ cut to black-and-white footage of Fourth Woman on a rampage, roughing up a pink birthday cake in her hands while at a children’s birthday party ]
[ cut to black-and-white footage of Third Woman on a rampage, kicking her husband in the crotch with pink shoes and pummeling him with her fists ]
[ cut to black-and-white footage of Second Woman on a rampage, making out with her pet dog who wears a pink collar ]
[ cut to black-and-white footage of Woman thrusting her pink axe into the air while screaming ]
[ cut to product slide ]
Announcer: Annuale’s not for everyone. [ as the text scrolls over color footage of the four women screaming ] Do not take if you are using MAIO Inhibitors or if your occupatino requires you to operate heavy machinery. Do not take Annuale if you ever plan to become pregnant, as it may turn your baby into a firemonster. In the days around your period, you may develop a leathery tail. Annuale may cause you to develop a second vagina. Notify authorities in your town when your period is imminent as they may want to incarcerate you pre-emptively like a wolfman.
Third Woman: Ask your doctor if Annuale is right for you.
Woman: And if she says it is… go to a store, buy a hat, and get ready to hold the f–k on to it!
[ the four woman laugh collectively ]
Fourth Woman: [ serious ] We’re not kidding.
[ cut to product slide ]
Announcer: Annuale. Once a year. Period. [ a beat ] Oh! That’s a play on words! I just got that!
[ open on Virgania Horsen standing in front of various green-screen images inside an airport ]
Virgania Horsen: Are you sick of the airport? The long lines? Security? The danger of terrorism?
[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front of a green-screen image of hot air balloon soaring over the city ]
Virgania Horsen: Why not take a ride in a… hot air balloon?
[ cut to product card ]
Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon Rides.
[ cut to images of hot air balloons soaring over the city ]
Virgania Horsen: You don’t have to worry about terrorists… or long lines… and it’s just you and me — up in the air!
[ cut to an image of Virgania Horsen standing in a hot air balloon basket that zooms to the front of the camera ]
Virgania Horsen: Whoa-oa-oa! [ as she looks out from above the city ] Hey! I can see my house from here! Just kidding. Why not take a ride in my balloon? I’ll cut you a deal. [ the basket zooms away from the camera ] Whee-ee-ee!!
[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front of a green-screen image of an airport metal detector ]
Virgania Horsen: Forget about airport security. [ looks at the image of people entering the metal detector ] See you later, suckers. I’m taking myself a hot air balloon ride.
[ cut to Virgania Horsen floating across a green-screen sky in her hot air balloon basket ]
Virgania Horsen: Oo-oo-ooh! Fresh air! Listen: I’m not one of those college types who’s gonna talk your ear off. I bought a balloon, and it doesn’t mean I think I’m better than everybody else. [ she holds a book ] Or I can just read a book. I’m not one of those people who doesn’t know how to be quiet.
[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front a green-screen swatting words like “Long Lines”, “Terrorist” and “Airport Security” away from her ]
[ close-up of Virgania Horsen with the word “Winner!” in front of her ]
[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front of a green-screen image of hot air balloon soaring over the city ]
Virgania Horsen: So come on over, and take a ride in my hot air balloon, and I’ll take you wherever you want to go. I promise.
[ cut to product card ]
Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon Rides.
[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in her hot air balloon basket ]
What’s That Bitch Talking About? Written by: Bryan Tucker
Gregory DuBois…..Kenan Thompson Richard Dinwiddie…..Bill Hader Katherine Bagwell…..Tina Fey Model 1…..Amy Poehler Model 2…..Casey Wilson Model 3…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: It’s time for the fun game of interpretation! “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” Adn here’s your host — Gregory DuBois!
Gregory DuBois: Hello, everyone! And welcome to “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” We got two contestants ready to play! [ show each contestant at introduction ] He’s a medical researcher from Baltimore, Maryland. Please welcome Richard Dimwitty! And our returning champion — an editorial assistant from Scottsdale, Arizona. Plase welcome Katherine Bagwell. Okay, contestants, you both know the rules: by the end of the game, someone’s gonna walk away with a 1992 canary-yellow Mazda Protege. [ show slide of the car ] Are you ready?
Katherine Bagwell: Yes!
Richard Dinwiddie: Uh-huh.
Gregory DuBois: Let’s play “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” Listen up, contestants, here we go!
[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 1 speaking on her cell phone ]
Model 1: Because I SAW him! Were you there? Well, then, you don’t know! You didn’t see the mess! The couch was ruined. I’m taking him back there, that’s what! No, they’re not! I’m gonna tell them to switch it! To SWITCH it!!
[ the curtain closes ]
Gregory DuBois: Okay, Richard — [ shrugs his shoulders ] What’s That Bitch Talking About?
Richard Dinwiddie: Okay, I — I — I heard her say something about a mess? And maybe some kind of, uh — some kind of a purchase? Is she angry that someone spilled a drink on her?
[ buzzer ]
Gregory DuBois: Ohhhh! I am sorry. Katherine, you want to take a shot?
Katherine Bagwell: Yeah, um — it sounds like she took her dog to the vet, and he gave her dog the wrong medicine, which made him sick.
[ dinger ]
Gregory DuBois: CORRECT!! You’re on the board! Alright! Here comes the next challenge!
[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 2 yelling toward the audience ]
Model 2: It ain’t my fault! I told him FOUR days ago! Well, then you tell her to get her ay-ass back on over here and unload all those vacuum cleaners herself! No, I don’t CARE!! She can go ahead! Y’all don’t even want to SEE what I gotta DO if I gotta come back there!! Y’all don’t even WANT to see what my ah-ass —
Katherine Bagwell: She works at Wal-Mart, and they want her to stay through her entire shift, but she can’t because she has to leave early to pick up her boyfriend who’s got his license suspended for driving under the influence of Oxycontin.
[ dinger ]
[ Richard is bewildered by the exactness of Katherine’s answer ]
Gregory DuBois: Excellent! EXcellent! You’re in the lead! Okay, let’s go on to our next clue.
[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 3 speaking into her princess phone ]
Model 3: Okay… okay… okay…
[ the curtain closes ]
Gregory DuBois: Richard — What’s That Bitch Talking About?
Richard Dinwiddie: I — I — I have no idea, I don’t know how anyone —
[ buzzer ]
Gregory DuBois: Awww. That’s wrong. Katherine?
Katherine Bagwell: She’s getting directions to a margarita party, to celebrate her graduation from DeVry. She’s looking forward to it, but she’s a little apprehensive because the ghostly warnings of her father, the fisherman, still echo in the back of her mind.
[ dinger ]
[ Richard is again bewildered by Katherine’s display ]
Gregory DuBois: A-mazing! Katherine, you’re going on to our solo round! Richard, thanks for playing; you’ll be going home with “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” the home edition. Thank you very much, thank you very much. [ Richard exits the set ] Katherine? [ Katherine runs forward ] Okay, Katherine, this, time, instead of asking you What’s That Bitch Talking About?, I’ll be asking you “Who Does That Bitch Think She Is?”
Katherine Bagwell: Got it, Gregory!
Gregory DuBois: Okay, get three in a row, and the canary-yellow Protege is yours. Can I get thirty seconds on the clock? Here we go.
[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 1 speaking on her cell phone ]
Model 1: Yeah, well, I told them, “Just take it down, or I’m never giving them my business again!”
Gregory DuBois: Who’s That Bitch Think She Is?
Katherine Bagwell: The Queen of Sheba?
[ dinger ]
Gregory DuBois: Correct! Next one!
Model 1: And I told her, “Go ahead, MOVE IN with him! Ruin your life and your future!”
Gregory DuBois: Who’s That Bitch Think She Is?
Katherine Bagwell: My dad!
[ dinger ]
Gregory DuBois: Correct! Next one!
Model 1: Ugh, I would not be caught DEAD in that dress, the color palette is DREADFUL!
Gregory DuBois: Okay, Katherine — for the canary-yellow 1993 Mazda Protege… Who Does That Bitch Think She Is?
Gregory DuBois: YES!! Congratulations!! You will be going home with the Protege, and ONE free gallon of gasoline! Congratulations!
[ Katherine’s relatives join her on stage ]
Gregory DuBois: Thank you very much, folks! Be sure to watch in about twenty minutes for another episode of… “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” Okay, bye now!
CNN Univision Democratic Debate Written by: Jim Downey
Campbell Brown…..Kristen Wiig Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler John King…..Jason Sudeikis Jorge Ramos…..Will Forte
[ open on CNN graphics ]
Voiceover: This… is CNN.
[ dissolve to debate graphics ]
Announcer: The CNN-Univision Democratic Debate: America Votes 2008.
[ dissolve to Campbell Brown standing before the two Democratic candidates ]
Campbell Brown: Good evening, and welcome to the Lyndon B. Johnson Auditorium in Austin, Texas, for this historic debate between the two remaining candidates seeking the Democratic nomination for President. Illinois senator Barack Obama, and New York senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. I’m Campbell Brown, and I will be the moderator tonight. With questions coming from my colleagues: CNN Chief National Correspondent, John King… and Univision anchor, Jorge Ramos.
Like nearly everyone in the news media, the three of us are totally “in the tank” for Senator Obama. We will make every effort tonight to keep these bias hidden, but, should it become obvious, please remember we’re only human. I, myself, have been clinically diagnosed as an Oba-maniac! While my associate, John King, just last week suffered his third Barack-Attack. [ King nods ] As for Jorge Ramos, he is clearly… just obsessed with Senator Obama, kind of… to an unhealthy degree, really… and, uh — well, I guess you could just call him a stalker! [ Ramos nods ]
Now, let’s meet the candidates. Just four years ago, Barack Obama was known only as a brilliant, charasmatic, and universally admired member of the Illinois State Senate. Today, he is one of our nation’s truly visionary leaders, and, soon — knock on wood — the first Black President of the United States. Senator Barack Obama.
[ the audience applauds, as does Campbell Brown and Jorge Ramos; John King whistles through his two pinky fingers ]
Campbell Brown: In 1992, Hillary Clinton’s husband, William Jefferson Clinton, became the 42nd President of the United States. A few years after that, he cheated on her again, and she was able to ride the ensuing wave of sympathy into the U.S. Senate, against a weak Republican opponent in an overwhelmingly Democratic state. In the Senate, she is widely known as a good listener, with an excellent attendance record.
And our first question is for Senator Obama, from Jorge Ramos.
[ cut to Jorge Ramos, with Question Tag: “Is There Anything We Can Get Sen. Obama?” ]
Jorge Ramos: Uh — Senator Obama… are you comfortable? Is there anything we can get for you?
Barack Obama: No. Thank you. I’m fine.
Campbell Brown: John King, a follow-up?
[ Question Tag now reads: “Is Sen. Obama Sure There Isn’t Anything We Can Get Him? Because It’s Really No Trouble.” ]
John King: Senator Obama, uh — a minute ago, Jorge Ramos asked if there was anything we could get you, and you said, “No, thank you. I’m fine.” My question is: Are you sure? Because it’s, you know, it’s really no trouble.
Barack Obama: [ motioning his hand ] I… am quite sure. Thank you, though.
Campbell Brown: And our next question is for Senator Clinton. Again, from John King.
John King: Senator Clinton, less than two months ago you were the heavy favorite to be the Democratic nominee. Since that time, you have lost 31 of 38 primaries and caucuses to Senator Obama, including the last eleven straight. Now, do you still believe you can win this nomination?
Hillary Clinton: [ chuckles heartily ] My goodness, John! This process is far from over, and I think it’s a little premature to start counting us out.
John King: Well, a few nights ago you lost BADLY to Senator Obama in Wisconsin. In theory, isn’t that a — isn’t that a state you should have won?
Hillary Clinton: [ shaking her head ] Not at all, John. Frankly, we never expected to win Wisconsin.
John King: He also beat you in Virginia.
Hillary Clinton: [ smiling ] It was always our intention to lose Virginia.
John King: Well, what about Maryland? You lost there by twenty points.
Hillary Clinton: [ smiling ] John, getting blown out by Senator Obama in Maryland has been a dream of mine since childhood.
John King: And, just in the last two weeks, Senator Obama has been making major inroads among your main supporters — blue collar workers, Catholics, and women.
Hillary Clinton: [ chuckles heartily ] Oh, John! Apparently, someone forgot to tell that to white women over eighty! Because we’re doing very well there — just under 50%!
Campbell Brown: Now, as is customary at these debates, we’re going to have a questino from an ordinary citizen, chosen completely at random from our audience. Tonight’s questioner is: Obama Girl.
[ cut to Obama Girl standing in the audience ]
Obama Girl: Senator Obama? [ dance music pots up, as she lip-synchs: ] “I cant wait til 2008 / Baby, youre the best candidate / Yes, I got a crush on Obama / I got a crush on Obama –“
Hillary Clinton: Uh — excuse me — I — I’m sorry — um — I really have to say something here. First of all, that wasn’t even a question; second, she was lip-synching; and — and — third, I really find it diffiult to believe this particular questioner was chosen at random.
Campbell Brown: Senator clinton… if you ever… interrupt Obama Girl again, I will personally escort you from this building. Do I make myself clear?
Hillary Clinton: [ stung, she bites her lip before answering ] I’m sorry. I thought she was finished.
Campbell Brown: I think you owe Obama Girl — and the people of this nation — an enormous Obam-apology. Obama Girl, please continue.
Campbell Brown: Our next question is also for Senator Obama, and comes from Jorge Ramos.
Jorge Ramos: Uh — Senator Obama — [ chokes, rubs his shoulders ] Oh, God! I’m so nervous! I still can’t believe I’m actually talking to you! [ starts to lightly hyperventilate ]
Barack Obama: That’s okay. Take your time.
Jorge Ramos: Okay. Uh — as you know, uh, Senator… as I explained in the letter that I duct-taped to your front door — I’m sorry that it went on so long, I just, uh, I just really, really, really, really, really want you to be the next President! And not just because you’re a… fantastic human being, and the only person who can turn this nation around, but, you know, also because, deep down, I — I really and truly believe that it is DESTINY that you and I will one day be together! That, uh — you will become a part of me, and I will become a part of you. Joined as one. Does that make sense?
Barack Obama: Yeah, I guess. Sure.
Jorge Ramos: Okay. So, my — my question is: Are you mad at me?
Barack Obama: [ he thinks it over ] No. Not at all.
Jorge Ramos: Oh! Good! I was afraid that you might be mad at me because, you know, all the shilling for you in my campaign coverage has been so obvious, and, because I spend every night sitting in front of your house in a parked car.
Barack Obama: [ nods ] You know, Jorge… [ he motions with his hand ] as I travel around this country… I’m hearing the same… sentiments from every journalist I meet. Like the local TV anchor… in Columbus, Ohio… who brazenly wears an “Obama for President” button… as he reads the news. Or… the political reporter in Elko, Nevada… who rides around every evening after work… vandalizing Hillary’s yard signs. [ he reaches over to hold Hillary’s hand, but she struggles to pull it away ] But… for too long… in this country… the press has been hearing the same old refrain: “Just give us the news.. not your personal opinions.” And they’re tired… they’re tired of being told: “You journalists have to stay neutral. You can’t openly take sides in a political campaign.” And they’re saying, “Yes, we can. Yes, we can take sides. Yes, we can.”
Campbell Brown: [ fanning herself ] Wow..!
Jorge Ramos: Bullseye!
John King: Nothin’ but net!
Campbell Brown: Well, there’s obviously no way on Earth anyone could possibly follow that.
Hillary Clinton: Well, actually, uh —
Campbell Brown: So, this continues tonight’s debate. From all of us, here in Austin: Good night, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”
Jenny…..Kristen Wiig Billy…..Will Forte Ali…..Tina Fey Ed Mahoney…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on wedding reception, as Jenny toasts the happy couple to her left ]
Jenny: — and I remember she said to me: “Jenny… he’s the one! I FINALLY found the one!” Oh, God, I’m so happy for you two! [ weeping ] I’m so lonely… [ toasts her glass ] To Billy and Ali!
[ everyone sips champagne, except Jenny who swallows her glass whole ]
Jenny: That’s the stuff! Up next is… Billy’s best man. Ed?
[ Ed Mahoney approaches the podium chuckling heartily ]
Ed Mahoney: Whoo!! Wow! Wow, what an act to follow, huh? That girl’s got more problems than a math book! Yikes! [ chuckles loudly ] Howdy, folks! My name’s Ed Mahoney, I want to give a speech about my best PAL, here! Now, I’ve known this ol’ sack o’ potatoes here for 22 years! Though I’ve only liked him for the last nine! [ he chuckles ] No, I’m kiddin’, I’m kiddin’! Well… not really! Not really, no. The guy was a real DICK in high school! He knows as well as anybody!
Like, anyway — when Billy asked me to be his best man, I thought LONG and HARD about it! And, as some of you ladies out there know, my THOUGHTS are the only thing long and hard about me! [ he chuckles loudly ] No, I’m kiddin’, I’m kiddin’! It’s my thoughts and my CRAPS! [ he chuckles harder ] Oh, boy! Look at Ali’s face! Oh, man, she hates it when I work below the belt! God bless her! Lord knows he did in the body department! Holy moly, huh?! What a figure on this one — Jiminy Christmas! She looks like she was sculpted out of marble by a SEX MANIAC! [ he chuckles ] Well, she met her match with ol’ Billy here! This guy’s laid more pipe than the Mario Brothers! [ he chuckles, as Billy turns red ] Although, they’ve probably eaten the same amount of mushrooms! Yeah! Hey — quick mushroom story for ya’: look, Billy and I were once so high, we got in a fistfight with a bowl of M&Ms! [ he chuckles ] Yeah, and then we french-kissed for an hour! [ turns to look at Ali ] Oh, boy!! Now I’ve done it!! Look at that! Look at Ali’s face! Poop, drugs, and gay stuff — every bride’s dream, right?! [ he chuckles ]
Look, folks — marriage is about honesty! You know what else marriage is about? Lying your BALLS off! Yeah! You know what else it’s about? It’s about playing STUPID for each other! Like, do I really think my wife believes me when I tell her I think about her when I masturbate?! What the HELL am I talking about?!!
[ to Ed’s side, Billy and Ali are arguing about the speech he’s giving ]
Ed Mahoney: Oh, my goodness! Guys! I gotta be honest with ya’ — I’ve segue-wayed into an area I could NOT have anticipated! Yeah! And I’m beginning to second-guess that pint of Jack Daniels and shot of beer I drank as a switcheroo! So, let’s see if I can wrap this up! [ he raises his glass ] A toast! A toast to Billy and Ali! Now, there’s a sad statistic going around that says that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Well, the other 50%… end in death. [ he snods solemnly ] Yeah. I hope you two DIE!
Good luck, goofballs! D.J., work your magic!
[ Ed begins to dance as the D.J. plays a dance track ]
Nicolette…..Amy Poehler Partners…..Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis Ms. St. George…..Kristen Wiig Male Employee…..Andy Samberg Third Lady…..Casey Wilson Nan Winters-Rodriguez…..Tina Fey
[ open on black screen, with titles zooming forward ]
Announcer: From the creators of “Lipstick Jungle” and “Cashmere Mafia” —
[ dissolve to four aptly-described women standing before a New York City backdrop ]
Comes a new drama about four powerful, beautiful, unrealistic women working in New York City.
[ title zooms forward, as offscreen fans blow their hair ]
“Lady Business”.
[ cut to Nicolette ]
There’s Nicolette. In the cutthroat world of business, she holds the knife.
[ cut to Nicolette standing over two male partners at a boardroom table ]
Nicolette: Now that I’ve been made a partner in this law firm, there’s going to be some CHANGES! From now on, meetings are no longer “mandatory” — they’re “womandatory”! [ she smiles, dabs lipstikck on her lips, and sprays perfume across her neck ]
[ cut to Ms. St. George ]
Announcer: If you want to know about the power of persuasion… ask a woman who can sell fire to a snowman.
[ cut to Ms. St. George standing over a male employee ]
Male Employee: This is some ad agency you’ve created, Miss St. George.
Ms. St. George: Thank you. And it’s pronounced “De Gorge“.
Male Employee: I apologize. Can I make it up to you by buying you a drink?
Ms. St. George: I don’t think you can handle me.
Male Employee: Why is that?
Ms. St. George: ‘Cause I’m a BITCH in the boardroom, a BORE in the bedroom… and I’m a BEAR on the toilet. [ she holds up a hairdryer and proceeds to dry her long, silky hair ]
[ cut to title card ]
Announcer: “Lady Business”.
[ dissolve to split-screen of the first three women ]
Three women with beauty, power, and money.
[ dissolve to Nan Winters-Rodriguez ]
And a fourth woman… who knows them, somehow… maybe from college.
[ dissolve to Nan Winters-Rodriguez exiting her car in a No Parking zone, as a Cop approaches ]
Cop: Excuse me, ma’am, you can’t park here.
Nan Winters-Rodriguez: [ disgusted ] Oh, I can park anywhere I WANT! Don’t you know who I am?
Cop: [ shakes his head ] No. Who are you?
Nan Winters-Rodriguez: I’m Nan Winters-Rodriguez. I remove dead animals from underneath people’s homes, with a dead animal vacuum or a hook — and I’m the BEST! Now, step aside — I’ve got to suck a family of unlucky racoons out from under that Dunkin Donuts! [ she holds up an oversized Racc-Vac and grins at the camera ]
Air Date:
