Category: 2007

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 3rd, 2007

Brian Williams

Feist

None

Horatio Sanz

Barack Obama

Al Roker

Matt Lauer

Bono
Halloween PartySummary: Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) throws a Halloween costume party for her fellow contenders for the Democratic nomination, including Barack Obama who comes disguised as himself.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Dennis Kucinich.

Bio: Barack Obama (1961-). Junior Senator from Illinois since 2005.

Transcript

Montage

Brian Williams’ MonologueSummary: Brian Williams wonders briefly if hosting “SNL” will mar his reputation as a serious news anchor, but decides that all preconceptions will change after tonight.

Bio: Brian Williams (1959-). News anchor; succeeded Tom Brokaw as anchor of “NBC Nightly News” in 2004.

Cameos: 05l, 06a.

Transcript

Maybelline For Men OnlySummary: There’s no need to question the authenticity of the product, because it says it’s “For Men Only” right there on the box.

Note: This ad parody was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last two episodes.

Transcript

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with a slow-witted fireman (Brian Williams).

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz.

Note: Brian Williams spent three years during high school as a volunteer firefighter for the Middletown Township Fire Department in New Jersey.

Riley’s WaySummary: During the taping of the final episode of CW’s high school drama, “Riley’s Way”, the actor who plays the principal (Brian Williams) is angered that he hasn’t been invited to appear on the college spin-off series.

Transcript

Publishers Clearing HouseSummary: The winner (Brian Williams) of Publishers Clearing House’s $15 million prize is less-than-enthused about his sudden financial windfall.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “A Day in the Life of Brian Williams” reveals the anchorman standing on the street waiting to be recognized, throwing pennies down at Al Roker and Matt Lauer, and delivering the Nightly News.

Transcript

Feist performs “1234”Bio: Feist (1976-). Canadian singer-songwriter; full name: Leslie Feist.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: NBC executive Roger A. Trivanti (Fred Armisen) comments on the impending Writer’s Guild strike. Weekend Update nanny Barbara Birmingham (Kenan Thompson) comments on the past week’s Halloween festivities.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Birmingham.

Transcript

Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) interviews author J.K. Rowling (Amy Poehler), and views deleted scenes from the “Harry Potter” film series highlighting Dumbaldore’s (Bill Hader) homosexuality.

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

iPhoneSummary: A man (Fred Armisen) highlights the ways in which the new iPhone allows him to get away with having a secret mistress.

Transcript

Democratic Nominees BackstageSummary: Prior to the Democratic Debate at Drexel University, Brian Williams tells the nominees that the media is set on Hillary clinton securing her party’s ticket. Left to themselves, the other nominees struggle to find a way to discredit Hillary’s chances.

Recurring Characters: John Edwards, Dennis Kucinich.

Feist performs “I Feel It All”

Nightly News ThemeSummary: Brian Williams and NBC News executives seek the help of studio group musicians Dunham & Kirk to create a theme song for the Nightly News that will attract a younger demographic.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Willie & JulioSummary: Willie Nelson (Will Forte) and Julio Iglesias (Brian Williams) are truck drivers singing along the road.

Recurring Characters: Willie Nelson, Julio Iglesius.

Mr. ProduceSummary: Mr. Produce (Brian Williams) gives his son (Andy Samberg) a stern talking to for not taking good care of the vegetables while he was making a guest appearance on “Ellen”.

Trick or TreatSummary: A child sex offender (Will Forte) goes trick-or-treating at Brian Williams’ house.

A Message from Dennis KucinichSummary: Dennis Kucinich (Amy Poehler) comments on how his popularity is always considerably higher whenever he’s in the presence of his wife (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Dennis Kucinich.

iPhone IISummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) highlights the ways in which the new iPhone allows him to get away with punching cops in the street.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Goodnights

…..Brian Williams

Brian Williams: I want to thank my family for getting me here.. NBC for letting me do it. My thanks to Feist, to Senator Obama, and Horatio Sanz. Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Halloween Party

John Edwards…..Will Forte
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Bill Richardson…..Horatio Sanz
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Chris Dodd…..Bill Hader
Mike Gravel…..Fred Armisen
…..Barack Obama

[ open on exterior, Clinton House ]

[ SUPER: “Clinton House – Chappaqua, New York” ]

[ SUPER: “Halloween 2007” ]

John Edwards V/O: Hillary, thank you so much for throwing this Halloween party.

[ dissolve to interior, Halloween party. Hillary Clinton, dressed as a bride, stands at the punch table with John Edwards, dressed as a hobo. ]

Hillary Clinton: [ giggles ] John Edwards.. I’m so glad you came. I just thought it would be good for all us Democrats to get together after Tuesday’s debate. [ she laughs with uncontrollable glee ]

John Edwards: I agree.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, because, even though things can get heated, come next November, we all haev to support the Democratic nominee — no matter who she may be.

John Edwards: And, may I just say, that is a great witch costume.c[ taken aback ] I’m actually a bride.

John Edwards: Oh, okay! Now I see it! All in how you wear it, I guess.

[ Bill Clinton steps in, dressed as Mystery ]

Bill Clinton: John Edwards, you’d better not be using “The Game” on my wife!

John Edwards: Lookin’ good, Bill! Lookin’ good.

Hillary Clinton: I am sorry, John, could I have a word with my husband?

[ John obliges and steps away ]

Hillary Clinton: Bill? I thought we agreed to dress like bride and groom?

Bill Clinton: Aw, man! Everyone knows we’re married!

Hillary Clinton: [ sighs ] Who are you even supposed to be?

Bill Clinton: I’m Mystery, from that show “The Pick-Up Artist.”

Hillary Clinton: [ disgusted ] Bill Clinton, how is that approporiate?

Bill Clinton: Oh, it’s just a party! Have fun, alright? [ looks off to the side ] Hey, look! If it isn’t Bill Richardson!

Hillary Clinton: Oh.. well.

[ Bill Richardson joins the Clintons at the punch bowl ]

Bill Richardson: Hillary. Bill.

Bill Clinton: Who are you supposed to be, Bill?

Bill Richardson: [ deepens his voice ] I’m Al Gore! [ laughs ] I’ve got the Nobel Prize.. this Oscar..

Hillary Clinton: That’s great, Bill!

Bill Richardson: Yeah! [ chuckles ] I know! Me, dressed as Vice-President. [ laughs ] It’s we-eird! Not that weird, though, right? [ laughs ]

Hillary Clinton: You look great.

Bill Richardson: Yeah. So, hey, uh — can I help out at all?

Hillary Clinton: Actually, we could use some ice.

Bill Richardson: I’m on it! [ he runs off ]

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

Bill Clinton: That man really does want to be your Vice-President.

Hillary Clinton: How come every time someone says something nice to me, you say it’s because they want me to be — they want to be my Vice-President? People are nice to you all the time, do they want to be your Vice-President?

Bill Clinton: People like me.

Hillary Clinton: Bill!

Bill Clinton: [ looks offscreen ] Joe Biden and Chris Dodd!

[ Joe Biden and Chris Dodd enter dressed as twin Spongebob Squarepants’ ]

Joe Biden: Hello!

Chris Dodd: Hello. Thanks for having us.

Bill Richardson: Why weren’t you guys at the debate?

Joe Biden: We were — no, we were.

Chris Dodd: Down at the end.

Hillary Clinton: Oh! [ laughs ] Of course, of course! I’m sorry!

Bill Clinton: So, uh — you guys both dressed like Spongebob?

Joe Biden: Yeah, it’s funny. Can’t thinking if there were only one of us, this costume would make a bigger impression.

Chris Dodd: Yeah, we — really cancel each other out.

[ they stare at one another, without a word to be said ]

Joe Biden: Well, thanks for having us. Great Mystery costume, Bill.

Chris Dodd: [ to Hillary ] And you make a very scary witch. [ he walks away ]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, I’m, uh —

Bill Clinton: Uh-oh.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, no.. oh, no.. Mike Gravel’s here. Hi, Mike!

[ Mike Gravel steps up, dressed in a straightjacket ]

Mike Gravel: Uh, hi, Hillary. [ glances down at the crook of his arm ] I brought you some candy!

Hillary Clinton: Ohhh! [ takes the bag of candy ] Oh, thank you. Howe thoughtful — a bag of loose Milk Duds.

Mike Gravel: Yeah. You know — I found it on the bus! I-I guess I got lucky!

Bill Clinton: Great costume, Mike.

Mike Gravel: Oh? Uh.. yeah. It’s a costume. That’s what it is. [ he casually saunters away ]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, oh! These aren’t Milk Duds!

Bill Clinton: [ pointing offscreen ] Hey, who’s that little boy making out with that lady?

Hillary Clinton: [ looking ] That’s Dennis Kucinich and his wife.

[ the camera reveals the diminutive Dennis Kucinich kissing an attractive lady ]

Bill Clinton: That is his wife?

Hillary Clinton: Mmm-hmm.

Bill Clinton: [ holds a thumbs-up to Kucinich ] All right! [ Kucinich returns the thumbs-up ] There’s a marriage he won’t regret in thirty years.

Hillary Clinton: [ aghast ] How do you expect me to react when you say that?!

Bill Clinton: [ looks off=screen ] Hey! Great Obama mask!

Hillary Clinton: Yeah!

[ a man wearing a Barack Obama mask steps up ]

Hillary Clinton: Who is that under there?

[ the man removes his mask to reveal that he really is Barack Obama ]

Barack Obama: Hello, Hillary. Hello, Bill.

Bill Clinton: Nice to see you.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, nice to see you, Barack. So, you’re dressed as yourself?

Barack Obama: Well, you know, Hillary, I have nothing to hide. I enjoy being myself. I’m not going to change just because it’s Halloween.

Hillary Clinton: Well, that’s.. [ frowns ] that’s great..

Barack Obama: [ laughs ] And, may I say, you make a lovely bride.

Bill Clinton: She’s a witch!

Hillary Clinton: Bill!! [ Bill shrugs his shoulders ] Please, excuse my husband, Barack. Now, were you saying something?

Barack Obama: Yes. I just wanted to let the American people know that.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

iPhone

Written by: Bryan Tucker & Fred Armisen

Man…..Fred Armisen
Wife…..Maya Rudolph

Man: I’m having a Date Night with my wife. We’re at our favorite restaurant, when I feel my iPhone vibrating. I know exactly who it is.

[ jump cut ]

I excuse myself and I go to the bathroom. It’s a text from this woman I’ve been seeing on the side.

[ jump cut ]

She’s beyond hot. She’s — [ searches for the appropriate word ] crazy, and I like a little crazy. She’s French-Canadian.

[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen ]

But with the Address Book feature on my iPhone, I can put her under a different name. I call her “Boyd Tinsley” — he’s the violin player for The Dave Matthews Band? [ shrugs his shoulders ] This way, my wife will never know.

[ jump cut ]

She sends me a picture of her butt. Look at that — I can zoom in. [ he presses the screen and zooms in on the butt photo ] Oo-oo-oohh! Zoom out.. pinch it.. beautiful!

[ jump cut ]

With one swipe of my finger, I can delete the entire conversation before I get back to the table. It’s like she was never there.

[ jump cut ]

She was in Circe de Soleil. What she can do with her body — ohh! God, I wish my wife wasn’t pregnant!

[ reveal Man standing in front of black Apple iPhone display on a street corner, as his pregnant wife walks up and calls out to him. He slips his iPhone into his pants pocket and runs to join his wife. ]

Announcer: iPhone makes life easy.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

iPhone II

Written by: Bryan Tucker & Jason Sudeikis

Man…..Jason Sudeikis

Man: I own a small stationary store, down in Tribeca.

[ jump cut ]

I’ve been my own boss for about… [ thinking ] four years now.

[ jump cut ]

I also love to punch cops.

[ jump cut ]

I guess I got a little bit of a problem with authority. [ he chuckles ]

[ jump cut ]

The way it usually goes is: I’ll see a cop… punch him… uh… then I run like hell!

[ jump cut ]

You know, finding an escape route after a random act of violence can be tricky.

[ jump cut ]

But with the iPhone, it’s super easy. All I have to do is: duck in a bar… hide in a stall in the ladies’ room — usually, because they never check there —

[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen to reveal an aerial satellite map ]

Then I just bring up Google Maps — you know, I can look up streets, I can check out traffic —

[ jump cut ]

I can even watch my “pig-punch” videos on Youtube… which is awesome.

[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen to reveal various music tools such as album covers ]

With the iPod feature, I’ve got plenty of tunes to choose from, while I’m coming down from my meth high.

[ jump cut ]

Guess I just want to say… Thanks, iPhone!

[ reveal Man standing in front of black Apple iPhone display on a street corner ]

Man V/O: It’s the only thing that keeps me sane these days.

[ he runs a circle around the display, as a pair of cops give chase ]

Man V/O: Well, that and meth.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Maybelline For Men Only

Phil….Fred Armisen
Phil’s wife….Amy Poehler
Phil’s Friends….Andy Samberg, Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte

[Opens with a group of friends watching a football game on HDTV. They cheer]

Jason: Where’s the beer?

Andy: Phil’s bringing it.

[Knocks on door. Jason opens the door and Phil isthere with the beer and on his face he wears red-hotlipstick, eye shadow, mascara, blush]

Phil: Somebody said beer. [gives beer to Jason, goes inside]

Jason: [confused]God, what’s going on with your face?

Phil: I don’t know. Maybe I look a little more well-rested.

Andy: No. It looks like you have women’s make-up on.

Will: Yeah, I’d say women’s make-up.

Phil: No, I don’t. I’m wearing makeup for men.[holdsup the box] It’s men’s makeup. For men’s only. If itwasn’t man’s makeup, why do they say it on the box?[his pals check out the box]Maybelline for men. Itswritten on the box.

[Phil’s friends are all getting dolled up in front of their mirrors]

Will: Are you sure this is for men?

Jason: 100% Look on the box.

[On the box it reads “Maybelline. For men only. Not noticeable”]

Announcer: Maybelline for men.

Jason: And it’s not noticeable.

Announcer: Guys need to look good too.

[Phil is gets his lashes done. Walks in on his wife who is getting ready for a night out]

Phil: Ready to go honey.

Phil’s wife: Are you wearing makeup?

Phil: [kind of tired of explaining] I’m wearing makeupfor men. It’s not noticeable. It says so on the box. Let’s go.

[ Holds up the box, wife is convinced]

Phil’s friends: Maybelline for men only!!

Jingle: Maybe it’s Maybelline!

[Phil wearing a leather jacket, helmet and makeup hopson a motorcycle, engine revs]

Phil: I’m a Maybelline man.

[scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Brian Williams’ Monologue

Written by: Seth Meyers, Colin Jost

…..Brian Williams

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Brian Williams!

Brian Williams: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much. Thank you, it is such a thrill to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” I would like to point out that, at this very moment, we all — all of us — have something in common: each one of us is thinking, myself included, “Now, is this really a good idea?” Should I be hosting this show? And I’d like to take a moment, right now, to address that.

You know, when I agreed to host “SNL”, I believed I was following in this long tradition of newsmen who have appeared on this show. Icons, heroes of mine. Like Walter Cronkite.. Ted Koppel.. Peter Jennings. It wasn’t until rehearsal this morning that I was told that those were not the actual newsmen, but cast members doing impressions of them. The newscasters never risked their own careers or reputations by coming — I was nervous upon hearing the news. Dare, I say, panicky. So I called my good friend and mentor, Tom Brokaw, to see what I should do. In a couple of weeks from now, when he returns the message, and we go through that awkward dance of me explaining to him just who I am, and I — I expect he’ll say, if it’s not too late, “Get out of there, quickly.”

So why am I still here? Well, maybe I’ve — I’ve earned the right to have some fun. I’ve — I’ve been shot at while covering our troops in Iraq.. I’ve moderated the Democratic debate just this past Tuesday night.. when there’s a fire or a flood, I am there. And, yet, I know my own negatives. I’ve seen the internal NBC research, I’ve read the viewer mail, I know I’m often seen.. as a stiff. A guy who is always in anchorman-mode. But.. tonight..

[ he lowers his head, then raises it on a close-up with a news insert that reads: “That All Changes” ]

Tonight, that all changes. You’re going to see a whole new Brian Williams. Because, here tonight, I’m going to: [ the words appear on the insert ] relax.. have fun.. be spontaneous.. and, most important, stay loose. [ he lowers his head, and the insert disappears ] I’m sorry about that. It’s gonna happen from time to time. I don’t know when it’s coming on — it’s an anchorman thing. The point is, we’re going to have some fun, and I promise to read my jokes in the.. very same fashion I’ve been reading the news for these past few years.

We have a great show. And, when we come back: Are the pharmaceutical companies telling the truth about teenage drug abuse? Feist is here, ladies and gentlemen! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Publishers Clearing House

Cheryl Ryan….Kristen Wiig
Carl Bacon….Brian Williams
Pizza delivery guy….Fred Armisen
Jenna Clark….Maya Rudolph
Tommy Gelp….Will Forte
Connie McGee….Amy Poehler

[Opens with overexcited gal with bushy blond hairholding a bunch of colored balloons in one hand, mic on the other]

Cheryl Ryan: Hi, everybody! I am Cheryl Ryan andyou’re watching the Annual Publishers Clearing Housegrand prize giveaway special! Oh, this is the biggestprize to date!! 15 million dollars to this year’slucky winner on live television right now!! Come on! Ilove this shows![gives balloons to someone off camera,runs up the steps on a porch, knocks on door]Oh, God.Here we go.[Man eating an apple opens the door]

Carl Bacon: Hello.

Cheryl Ryan: Hi, I am looking for Mr. Carl Bacon.

Carl Bacon: I’m Carl.

Cheryl Ryan: Well Carl, you have just won the 15million dollars grand prize from Publishers Clearing House!! Congratulations!!

[Confetti and colored paper ribbons float around. Carl is like nothing happened]

Carl Bacon:[barely audible] Cool.

Cheryl Ryan: Yeah, well I would say that’s very cool,yes!! $15 million dollars!! You won!! Yeah!!![noreaction from Carl]Why don’t you tell America how does it feel?!

Carl Bacon:[bites apple]It feels great.

Cheryl Ryan: Oh, yeah!! We’re on television right now!We’re on live TV! Oh, did we come at a bad time?

Carl Bacon: No, I work from inside the house.

Cheryl Ryan: I think your working days are over, sir!!$15 million dollars!! Whoooo!, Ye-e-eah!!Ye-e-e-e-eah![to someone off camera for confetti]Do itagain. Oh, we don’t have anymore? Yeah, bring me thecheck, bring me the check.[big ass check for $15million with Carl’s name on it. Cheryl holds it upwith calm as hell Carl]Look, there’s your name andyou’ve won!! Carl Bacon! Yeah, who-o-o-o!!! Thank you,thank you, ok, all right, well listen why don’t youtell us what exciting things you’re gonna do with all that money?!

Carl Bacon: Uh, I…nothing comes….

Cheryl Ryan: Whoooo!!! Lots to think about cause youcan buy just about anything!![Carl just nods]Traveling?! You can buy cars! I know there must besomething you wanna do with all that money!

Carl Bacon:[no emotion]I just this second found out Iwon so I’ll just need time to think about it.

Chery Ryan: Who-o-o-o!!!! Mr. Bacon you are—you arekilling me. You are one cool cucumber. We’re ontv–[growl from a dry throat] so let’s everyone [drygrowl] whoa, what is that? Can I–can I get a littlebit of water? [someone off camera gives her a glass ofwater, she drinks some]Ok, sorry. They gave thisinterview, cause its the biggest prize winnerever….[listen on her earpiece]Ok, yes, yes. Thankyou, yeah, ok, right now we are going to show you andall of you at home some of the other winner’s fromyear’s past and Carl, watch their reactions cause theydo it right, yeah![nothing from Carl]

[Cut to lady in a nightgown and glasses shaking allover with the big ass check on her hands]

Caption: Jenna Clark. 2004 Publishers Clearing House Winner.

Jenna Clark: Oh, my God!, oh, my God! I won!! Oh,Lord!! I won!!

[Cut to a guy screaming like a madman, jumps up anddown holding the big ass check]

Caption: Tommy Gelp. 2005 Publishers Clearing HouseWinner.

Tommy Gelp: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

[Cut to a young blond breaking through her screen doorlike possessed. Yanks potted plant out by its root,continues running off camera]

Caption: Connie McGee. 2006 Publishers Clearing House Winner.

Connie McGee: Arrrrgh!!!!! Aaaaahhh!!!

[Cut backs to Carl and Cheryl on Carl’s porch]

Caption:Carl Bacon. 2007 Publishers Clearing House Winner.

[Cheryl looks for joy in Carl. Nothing.]

Chery Ryan: And now you!!! oh, look, o-o-o-oh! thatwas….yeeeah….its so exciting, isn’t it amazing, Carl?

Carl Bacon:[barely audible]Yes, it was.

Chery Ryan: Well, ok. Its good that you won. Well,things are getting very exciting around here. We…

[A pizza delivery guy approaches the porch holding apizza and a little cheesy bread box on top]

Pizza delivery guy: Did you order a pizza?

Carl Bacon: What’s this?

Pizza delivery guy: Cheesy bread comes with every large pizza this month.

Carl Bacon: I didn’t order this.

Pizza delivery guy: Well, it’s free.[gives the pizzaand cheesy bread to Carl and leaves]

Carl Bacon: Free ch–, free cheesy bread?[Joyous beyondbelief] Wow!! I could never get free cheesy bread!!Debbie! We got free cheesy bread!![goes into thehouse, slams door shut]

[Cheryl gets whatever joy she can from it]

Cheryl Ryan: Well, there you have it! CongratulationsCarl! It is so exci—, bring in the balloons![getsthe balloons] Its still so exciting! We’re–oh,yes…[dry throat growl, Cheryl passes out, falls down]

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Riley’s Way

Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Marker…..Bill Hader
Male Student 1…..Andy Samberg
Female Student…..Amy Poehler
Male Student 2…..Kenan Thompson
Principal…..Brian Williams

[ open on exterior, Stage 15 ]

[ dissolve to playground set, where an actress and two actors playing high school students dressed in graduation garb sit on the swings ]

[ the Director steps onto the set ]

Director: Okay, everyone, uh — well, this is the last shot of our very last episode of “Riley’s Way”. And, uh — I — I — I just want to say, it’s been a pleasure working with each and every one of you on what, for my money, is the BEST high school drama in the history of the CW. [ the three actors are touched ] Alright? That’s from here. [ he thumps his chest ] Alright, so here we go. [ he runs off the set ]

Marker: “Riley’s Way”, Scene 42, take One.

Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!

[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ]

Male Student 1: Graduation. It’s a funny word. I never thought I’d be saying it.

Male Student 2: I still can’t believe it’s the end.

Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning.

[ the actor who plays the Principal saunters onto the set and leans against the swingset with a come-to hither ]

Female Student: Principal Jeffries? Any advice for the future?

Principal: Yes. Live. [ the students laugh as he wraps his arms around them ] Class dismissed, guys.

[ the Director reappears ]

Director: Alright, let’s cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut! That was great, guys. There was, uh, a small technical problem, so we’re gonna have to do that again.

Male Student 2: Aw, man, that was a good take!

Director: I’m sorry.

Male Student 1: Yeah, yeah — that’s WHACK!

Principal: Yeah, that was WHACK! But you know what’s NOT gonna be whack? RAP PARTY! [ he chuckles ] I just hope for myself, I don’t get all emotional. I remember the rap party when we did “Quantum Leap”. I, uh — I cried like a baby. I told you guys I did “Leap”, right?

Female Student: Yeah, I think you mentioned that before.

Principal: But, uh — I’m gonna miss working with you guys, but we are gonna have more time to hang. We can go up to Lake Havestun[?] next week — bumper boats, anybody?

Male Student 2: [ grits his teeth ] Uh, I don’t think we can. I mean, we start shooting the spin-off next week.

Principal: Awesome! No way! Spin-off! That’s — that’s GOOD whack! Uh, I wonder, though, why my agent, uh, didn’t tell me? I didn’t get a call.

Female Student: Oh, uh… it’s — it’s called “Riley’s Way: The College Years”.

Principal: What’s… my role gonna be? Does he — I don’t know — move in with the kids in school, or open up a… pizza parlor in town?

Male Student 1: Yeah, I don’t think you’re in it!

Principal: [ stunned ] What?

Male Student 1: You’re NOT in the spin-off.

Principal: [ stunned ] Okay! Well, then… [ he slinks off the set ]

[ the Director reappears ]

Director: Okay, we’re all ready on the set? Let’s do it! [ he steps off again ]

Marker: Scene 42, take Two.

Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!

[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ]

Male Student 1: [ sighs ] I still can’t believe it’s the end.

Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning. [ looks over her shoulder ] Principal Jeffries?

Principal: [ fuming ] What do you want?

[ the students are stunned by this sudden outburst ]

Female Student: Uhhh — any advice for the future?

Principal: Yeah, you know what? [ to the students, one at a time ] You can go to Hell — you can lose ten pounds — and you’re gay!

Male Student 1: What?!

Director: Cut! Cut! Uh — Barry! Barry, come here, man — let’s have a little chat here. [ the actor steps forward ] Uh — so, Barry — Barry, what’s with you?

Principal: What’s with you, Paul? I just heard about the little spin-off project.

Director: Okay. Now — now, I’m sorry you had to fidn out about it this way, Barry, but, you know, it’s just how the business works! [ he smiles ]

Principal: Let’s not talk to me about the business, Paul. I was in “Quantum Leap”. Scott Bakula?

Director: I know.

Principal: Yeah!

Director: I know. Look, Barry —

Principal: After ALL I have done for this show… I — I am on this set every day, whether I have a scene or not… I’m running my lines, I’m running their lines — writing lines —

Director: Yeah, Barry, we specifically asked you not to do any of those things.

Principal: Well, I’m specifically asking you — right now — not to be such a BONE! Put me in the spin-off, please.

Director: Okay, now why — why would the high school principal go to college with them? Okay, look, look, look, look — you’re a GREAT actor. Okay? You’re gonna be fine. You did “Leap”. Yuo did “Leap”! I mean — [ he chuckles ] Now. can we please just get this last shot?

Principal: Alright.

Director: Good! Thank you. [ the Principal exits off the set ] Alright, let’s go! Places! [ he steps aside ]

Marker: Scene 42, take Three.

Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!

Male Student 1: [ sighs ] Man! I still cannot believe it’s the end.

Principal: [ stepping forward ] And I can’t believe I didn’t get my college degree! [ he laughs, revealing a cap turned sideways across his head ] Back to school soon for old Principal Jeffries! I’ll check you fools on the quad! [ stesp aside ] Okay! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!

Director: Barry, Barry, come in here, please!

Principal: I think we NAILED that one!

Director: No, hey, Barry! Come in here, now! Let’s go! [ the Principal steps forward ] Okay, now, Barry — take off the hat, man! [ the Principal removes his cap ] Okay, now, look — we’re all sorry you’re not in the spin-off. But that’s just how it works!

Principal: Fine! I mean, I — I — I get it. Principal Jeffries was… never the most popular character. Maybe he was just a man.

[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up all of a sudden ]

Director: Hey, Keith, can we kill the music? [ the music turns off ] I’m sorry, Barry, keep going, I couldn’t hear you.

Principal: Well, let me tell you about another man. His name was me. And he was — he was on “Quantum Leap”. Twice, in the same episode. I wish all of you here good luck, and may… your next leap be the leap home. Class dismissed.

[ the director and actors applaud ]

Director: Hey, can we get a writer in here? I, uh — I think Principal Jeffries deserves a new ending.

[ dissolve to exterior, Stage 15 ]

[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ]

[ dissolve to playground set ]

Male Student 1: Graduation. It’s a funny word. I never thought I’d be saying it.

Male Student 2: [ sighs ] I still can’t believe it’s the end.

Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning. [ she looks up, as the Marker enters the scene ] Hey! It’s that guy that killed Principal Jeffries!

Marker: [ smiling ] Class dismissed!

All: [ as they hug ] Yaaayyyy!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

An SNL Digital Short

…..Brian Williams
…..Al Roker
…..Matt Lauer
…..Bono

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

Director’s Voice: In 3.. 2..

[ dissolve to Brian Williams standing in the NBC News studio ]

Brian Williams: Hi, I’m Brian Williams of “NBC Nightly News.” A lot of people ask me, quite often, what it’s like to be a network evening news anchor. So I agreed to let a camera crew follow me through an average day here at work. Take a look.

[ dissolve to exterior, NBC Studios of 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Brian Williams V/O: The first thing I like to do each morning when I get to NBC’s 30 Rockefeller Plaza Headquarters.. is stand outside the building, and wait for somebody to recognize me.

Passerby: Hey! Stone Phillips!

Brian Williams: [ satisfied ] Hey, hey, hey!

Brian Williams V/O: Close enough.

[ cut to Brian Williams entering NBC’s fitness center ]

Brian Williams V/O: Then.. it’s straight to the fitness center, for my daily fitness regime.

[ reveal Brian Williams reading a newspaper while standing on treadmill in roller skates ]

Brian Williams V/O: Oh, boy.. I’m gonna feel that workout tomorrow.

[ cut to footage of NBC employees eating in the cafeteria ]

Brian Williams V/O: I always try to take my meals in the NBC cafeteria. I feel it connects me with my fellow workers — the common man.

[ reveal Brian Williams sitting at table by himself. The table is roped off and guarded by a personal bodyguard ]

[ cut to Brian Williams making a phone call in his office ]

Brian Williams V/O: Afterwards, it’s time to head in to the office. The first thing I do is pick a phone and call a special someone, who means the world to me.

Brian Williams: [ into phone ] Hey, you! I know you had a tough day, but.. you got through it, because you’re the best there is. You’re a winner.. and I love you. [ he hangs up ]

[ cut to various images of Brian Williams hard at work, then cut to him opening the window in his office ]

Brian Williams V/O: So much of what we do in the news business is serious. Sometimes I find it’s healthy to take a break and have a little fun.

Brian Williams: [ grabs a fistful of pennies and looks down below ] Ah, the morning duo!

[ down below, Al Roker and Matt Lauer are delivering a piece on “The Today Show”, when they are suddenly pelted by the hailing pennies ]

Al Roker: What is that?!

Matt Lauer: [ looking up ] What kind of asshole throws pennies from a window?

[ back upstairs, Brian Williams smiles as he ducks back inot his office and shuts the window ]

[ cut to Brian Williams watching video in the dark ]

Brian Williams V/O: As a part of my daily ritual, I like to find time to watch footage of my favorite news anchor of all time.

[ reveal that Brian Williams is watching footage of himself ]

Brian Williams: [ watching, he smiles] The Master at work!

[ dissolve to Brian Williams in a meditation position on the floor of his office ]

Brian Williams V/O: I also like to calm my nerves, by practicing the ancient art of meditation.

[ the image of Bono appears above Brian Williams’ shoulder ]

Bono: Oh, yeah.. lookin’ good, Brian! You’re WAY cooler than me. I’d do ANYTHING to be you.

[ Brian Williams glances up at Bono’s image and smiles ]

Brian Williams: Thanks, Bono!

[ dissolve to footage of Brian Williams entering the NBC News studio ]

Brian Williams V/O: Then it’s time for the big show.. and I make my way into the studio, take my seat, and share the news with America.

Brian Williams: [ live ] Good evening. The Stock Market suffered a big fall today —

Brian Williams V/O: And that’s my day — a job well done. When it’s all over, I pack up my stuff, check my voice mail one last time, and head on home.

[ in the hallway, Brian Williams holds his cell phone up to his ear ]

Voice Mail Recording: First new voice message:

Brian Williams: [ pre-recorded voice message ] Hey, you! I know you had a tough day, but.. you got through it, because you’re the best there is. You’re a winner.. and I love you.

Brian Williams: [ smiles ] I love you, too.

[ Brian Williams hangs up his cell phone and heads home ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts