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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

March 14th, 2009

Tracy Morgan

Kelly Clarkson

None

John Cena

Tina Fey

Lorne Michaels

Emily Spivey

John Lutz

Tracy ReturnsSummary: Tracy Morgan returns to host “Saturday Night Live” and is ready to coldcock anyone who gets in his way.

Transcript

Montage

Tracy Morgan’s MonologueSummary: Tracy Morgan accuses the media of making his exploits sound more ghetto than they are in reality.

Note: Tracy Morgan was a cast member from 1996-2003.

Transcript

Chewable PampersSummary: The organic-enriched diaper that is eco-friendly and delicious.

Note: Repeat from 08n.

Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) welcomes a cow and a red-tailed hawk.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

The ViewSummary: On-remote from Disneyland, Sherri Shephard (Tracy Morgan) has never heard of any of the things the other panelists are discussing.

Recurring Characters: Whoopi Goldberg, Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, Elizabeth Hasselback.

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Kendrick McEntire (Tracy Morgan) try to scare another trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

Transcript

DatelineSummary: Keith Morrison (Bill Hader) further revels in the misery of his interview subjects.

Recurring Characters: Keith Morrison.

Transcript

Astronaut JonesSummary: Astronaut Jones (Tracy Morgan) encounter a transvestite alien (Andy Samberg) in outer space.

Recurring Characters: Astronaut Jones.

Transcript

Kelly Clarkson performs “My Life Would Suck Without You”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: John Malkovich (Bill Hader) tries to contain his anger after getting swindled by Bernard Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. Tracy Morgan briefly asks “Really?!?” Barbie (Kristen Wiig) celebrates her fiftieth birthday by trying to down a drink without the benefit of elbows.

Recurring Characters: Barbie.

Transcript

Big LoveSummary: Bill (Jason Sudeikis) introduces his Mormon wives (Kristen Wiig, Abby Elliott, Casey Wilson) to fourth wife Fantasia Divine (Tracy Morgan).

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Party Guys” Bill Hader and Andy Samberg point out the odd sorts they spot at a lame party.

Transcript

SuppressexSummary: Dr. Ricky Lamayne (Tracy Morgan) advertises a pill that suppresses untimely erections.

Transcript

High IQSummary: Braniac contestants (Jason Sudeikis, Darrell Hammond, Michaela Watkins) are distracted from working out their final answer by crazy sideshow theatrics of the host’s (Tracy Morgan) acquaintances.

Kelly Clarkson performs “I Do Not Hook Up”

Family FlixSummary: While discussing his new film, “Rocket Dog”, Percy T. Douglas (Tracy Morgan) reveals the ending and a carnage count of dogs and actors who appeared in the film.

Transcript

Gas RightSummary: Bruce Johnson (Fred Armisen), the inventor of Breathe-Right, has stayed up late to create a sequel product that controls the flow of farts between one’s butt cheeks.

Note: Repeat from 08j.

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Big Love

Bill…..Jason Sudeikis
Barb…..Kristen Wiig
Nicolette…..Abby Elliott
Margene…..Casey Wilson
Fantasia…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: Coming up next: the HBO original series… “Big Love”.

[ dissolve to opening theme credits, the foursome spinning as a group circle to the sound of “God Only Knows” by The Beach Boys ]

Barb: Where’s Bill? He said he’d be home by now.

Margene: Hey, guys… whose baby is this?

[ Bill enters the house ]

Bill: Girls! Girls! I have some big news for the family — please sit! [ the women sit ] Now, a man couldn’t ask for three finer Mormon wives than YOU! Barb… with your steady hand, and your menopause —

Barb: Thank you.

Bill: And Nicolette… with your beloved voice —

Nicolette: I ALREADY know I have a BEAUTIFUL voice, Bill!

Bill: And Margene — dear, sweet Margene. Oh, Sweetie? Sweetie, I think you blinked and you forgot to open your eyes again.

Margene: [ she opens her eyes ] Oh! It was DARK in there!

Bill: Now, the three of you mean the WORLD to me! We are a beautiful family… and we’re about to become even MORE beautiful.

Barb: Bill? You don’t mean..?

Bill: That’s right! A FOURTH wife! [ he turns to face the door ] Fantasia!

[ an obvious black man in drag enters the house ]

Bill: Girls? This is our NEW wife — Fantasia Divine!

Fantasia: What’s up!

Bill: Isn’t she a dream?

Barb: She?

Margene: Fantasia! Your name is so unique. What kind of name is it?

Fantasia: A FAKE one!

Nicolette: How did you two meet?

Bill: Oh, it was the most romantic place! [ to Fantasia ] What was it called, honey?

Fantasia: Hertz Rent-A-Car!

Bill: That’s right. Yeah. I was returning a van, and she was wandering around in the parking lot.

Fantasia: Bill has told me ALL about you guys! I can’t wait to join the Church of More-Man!

Nicolette: Bill? Can we have a talk with you? Alone?

Bill: Sure, sure.

[ Bill kisses Fantasia on the cheek, then huddles with his other three wives ]

Bill: What is it?

Barb: Bill, you know I love you.

Margene: We ALL love you!

Nicolette: Well, let him finish!

Margene: He’s not even talking!

Bill: Okay, ladies… ladies, look! Look, I know all of this is sudden, all of you must have questions. Let’s hear them!

Barb: Okay… here’s a question: Is that a man?

Bill: [ angered ] Jealousy doesn’t become you, Barb!

Margene: But, if that’s not a man… why is he shaving?

[ reveal Fantasia sitting in a chair running an electric razor across his face ]

Bill: Duh-oh!

[ cut to the end credits of the fivesome spinning as a group circle ]

Announcer: “Big Love”. Yep… it’s a dude.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Dateline

Keith Morrison….Bill Hader
Ronnie Taylor….Andy Samberg
Sally Bingham….Abby Elliott
Chris Bingham….Kenan Thompson
Carl Collins….Tracy Morgan

[Opens with the Dateline NBC logo. Dramatic music]

Announcer: Tonight at 10, on Dateline NBC. A Keith Morrison Special Investigation. Real Life Crimes Stories of Real Life People in Bad Situations.

[cut to Keith Morrison on his TV studio]

Keith Morrison: Ronnie Taylor was just a fun loving guy on a Saturday night. Until he pulled in into the wrong place…at the wrong time.

[cut to Keith with Ronnie sitting on a park bench]

Ronnie Taylor: When I walked into the convenience store, I saw it was being held up.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] Oh, no-o-o.

Ronnie Taylor: One of the robbers pointed the gun right at me.

Keith Morrison: [still smirking] O-o-oh.

Ronnie Taylor: And he shot me.

Keith Morrison: Shot you a dirty look?

Ronnie Taylor: No. A bullet through my neck.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] A-a-a-ah.

[cut to Keith in the studio]

Keith Morrison: Then the story of Sally and Chris Bingham and how their dream wedding turned into a living nightmare.

[cut to Keith sitting in the Bingham’s living room]

Chris Bingham: We just had gotten married…

Keith Morrison: A-a-ah…you liked it, so you put a ring on it.

Chris Bingham: Yeah, I guess.

Sally Bingham: At the reception everyone was dancing and suddenly the whole roof caved in.

Keith Morrison: [still a creepy smile] Oh, no-o-o. Was that suppose to happen?

Chris Bingham: No.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] A-a-a-ah.

Sally Bingham: Luckily, no one was killed.

Keith Morrison: [disappointed] Awwww.

Chris Bingham: One guy broke both his legs.

Keith Morrison: [happy creepy again] A-a-a-ah.

[cut to Keith in the studio]

Keith Morrison: And finally, an interview with the face of evil. I sit down with convicted murderer Carl Collins.

[cut to Keith with Carl in a jailhouse interview]

Carl Collins: Yeah, my big thing was that I would take old dudes and kill ’em.

Keith Morrison: O-o-oh. Kill them with kindness?

Carl Collins: No. With an ax.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] O-o-o-oh

Carl Collins: Then I cut ’em up into pieces.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] A-a-a-ah.

Carl Collins: Then I grind ’em up in the meat grinder.

Keith Morrison: [perverse look] Yes!

Carl Collins: Then I put ’em on bread and eat them.

Keith Morrison: I guess you could say you had yourself a man-wich.

Carl Collins: [creepy smile] Ye-e-e-e-eah.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] O-o-o-o-oh.

Carl Collins: [relishing on it] O-o-o-o-oh.

Keith Morrison: [loving it] Ye-e-e-e-eah.

[cut to the Dateline logo]

Keith Morrison: Tonight on Dateline.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Family Flix

Host…..Kristen Wiig
Percy T. Douglas…..Tracy Morgan
Actor 1…..Andy Samberg
Actor 2…..Bobby Moynihan
Milkman…..Will Forte

[ open on talk show set ]

Host: Hello, welcome to “Family Flix”. I’m here with Percy T. Douglas, writer and director of “Rocket Dog”. A movie that sounds “Dog-gone” terrific!

Percy T. Douglas: [ he laughs uproariously for a few moments, then turns serious ] I like the kind of humor.

Host: Um — Percy, your movie tells the story of a young boy from a troubled home whose life changes when he and his dog find a jet pack in the attic.

Percy T. Douglas: It’s a movie for any kid who was ever told: “You’re not gonna find a jet pack!”

Host: Well, you brought a clip for us. Let’s take a look.

[ dissolve to clip: back yard scene ]

Actor 1: My stepdad said it was stupid for me to have dreams. But we showed him! We showed EVERYONE! You’re more than just a dog — you’re Rocket Dog!

[ sound effect: dog barking ]

[ music sweep, as Boy turns rocket on ]

Actor 1: Now, reach for the stars, girl! 3! 2! 1! Dogs away!

[ sound effect: rocket blasts off ]

[ cut to sky shot, rocket blasting through the air as “THE END” appears on screen ]

[ dissolve to image of the dog with SUPER: “In Memoriam” as Tom Cochran’s “Life is a Highway” plays ]

[ dissolve back to the talk shot set, Douglas cracking up laughing ]

Percy T. Douglas: Houston, we have a dog!!

Host: [ speechless ] O-okay. Uhhh — couple things. Uh, you chose to play a clip that was the ending of the movie…

Percy T. Douglas: [ pleased ] Yeah!

Host: Okay, I just wanted to make sure you knew that. Um — also, I noticed that the dog who played Rocket Dog passed away.

Percy T. Douglas: Y-yeah… y-you know, that was very sad. On a movie set, you become like a family. Then one day, you have to strap a rocket onto a member of your family, and set that thing on fire!

Host: [ speechless ] All right. Uhhh — well, here is another clip from “Rocket Dog”.

[ dissolve to clip: train passing along the tracks ]

[ dissolve to back yard scene ]

Actor 1: If we’re gonna make it to the rocket contest on time, w’ere gonna have to jump onto that moving train!

[ sound effect: dog barking ]

Actor 1: Yeah. I know it’s dangerous to fly full speed at a train. But if we believe in ourself, anything’s possible!

[ music sweep ]

Actor 1: Trains away!

[ they run off screen ]

[ dissolve to image of three different dogs, a cat, and the Actor with SUPER: “In Memoriam” as Tom Cochran’s “Life is a Highway” plays ]

[ dissolve back to the talk shot set, Douglas cracking up laughing ]

Percy T. Douglas: Houston, we have a dog!!

Host: [ stunned ] So… you put a second memoriam montage, in the middle of your movie?

Percy T. Douglas: Yeah! We put it there to honor all the Rocket Dogs it took to make that shot!

Host: How many dogs in total?

Percy T. Douglas: Pass! But I just want to say: those dogs had GREAT lives! They got to go to a movie set, watch these other dogs go first, get shot into a train…

Host: Okay. Um — where did you film this movie?

Percy T. Douglas: Thailand. I wanted a place that was heavy on dogs, and light on laws.

Host: I also noticed your main actor died.

Percy T. Douglas: Yes! [no further explanation ]

Host: Okay, um — would you like to set up your next clip?

Percy T. Douglas: Yes! This is a scene from “Rocket Dog”!

Host: Wow.

[ dissolve to clip: back yard scene with new actor ]

[ sound effect: dog barking ]

Actor 2: I’m telling you, girl — one of these days, we’re gonna find a way to just FLY away from here!

[ Milkman passes ]

Milkman: [ hands over a bottle of milk ] Here’s your milk.

Actor 2: Thanks. [ to Rocket Dog ] Hey, girl, know what? You’re my best friend!

[ dissolve to image of Milkman, second Actor, seven dogs, a man dressed in a dog costume, and Douglas with SUPER: “In Memoriam” as Tom Cochran’s “Life is a Highway” plays ]

[ dissolve back to the talk shot set ]

Host: [ speechless ] Sooo… everyone in that scene died?

Percy T. Douglas: Correct.

Host: I-I-I also couldn’t help but notice that you were listed as dead at the end of that clip.

Percy T. Douglas: Uh, yes. I had to fake my death in order to flee the country. I was under the flase impression that you could do anything you wanted in Thailand — you know, like the Chinese Atlantic City?

Host: [ stunned ] Your film is… thirty-eight minutes long? Uh, ten minutes of that is a close-up of a TV showing the movie “Braveheart”.

Percy T. Douglas: [ a beat ] Houston, we have a dog!!

Host: Okay, thank you, Percy, um — join us next week, when we’ll be talking to… [ reads her card and sighs ] Percy T. Douglas.

Percy T. Douglas: [ throws his arms up ] Yes!!

Host: Uh — about his new movie, “Scuba Pig”. Good night.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Goodnights

…..Tracy Morgan

Tracy Morgan: Thanks to Kelly Clarkson… Tina Fey… John Cena… Lorne Michaels, Marcie Klein, Alec Baldwin… my wife! [ rambles more names ] Tanisha… my Grandmother Kiwani… everybody in the audience… our president! I love you! [ continues to ramble more names, as the credits begin to roll ] Bradley! My man Sharkey! Thank the cast — I love this cast! And my babies! Thank you, y’all! Love you, thanks!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Astronaut Jones

Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Klilgarian Woman…..Andy Samberg

[ open in outer space ]

Astronaut Jones: [ speaking into space phone ] Come in, Earth! I’m on the planet Klilgar! I’m collecting very interesting stones for the collection! I’ve found no signs of life on this planet! It’s a cold and dead planet! Wait, one second! Someone or something is coming!

Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race
I’ll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say
“There goes Astronaut Jones!”

Hey!”

Announcer: “Astronuat Jones”! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 6: The Ice Planet”.

[ dissolve back to scene ]

Astronaut Jones: I can’t talk right now, Earth! I’m making contact with a Krilgarian woman!

Krilgarian Woman: Earth creature…

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Krilgarian Woman: You have ventured into the Krilgarian Galaxy without permission.

Astronaut Jones: Say what?

Krilgarian Woman: I am Xerba the Beautiful…

Astronaut Jones: Dig it.

Krilgarian Woman: …and I have been instructed by my leaders to take you my hostage and keep you as my prisoner.

Astronaut Jones: Drop it like it’s hot.

Krilgarian Woman: Do not attempt to escape…

Astronaut Jones: Jump on you!

Krilgarian Woman: My powers are great, and I will not hesitate to use them against you.

Astronaut Jones: Make me hungry!

Krilgarian Woman: No Earth creaturee has escaped from Krilgar…

Astronaut Jones: Word, say word!

Krilgarian Woman: You will be placed in our testing laboratory…

Astronaut Jones: Where?

Krilgarian Woman: …’til you are no longer of use.

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Krilgarian Woman: Then, you will be eaten.

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Krilgarian Woman: What say you to this, Earth Man?

Astronaut Jones: I say you drop down that skirt, and let me get that green dugout!

Krilgarian Woman: [ a beat ] This is not possible. Krilgarians do not have vaginas.

Astronaut Jones: What they got?

Krilgarian Woman: Instead, we possess something more like your Earth Man penis, only bigger.

Astronaut Jones: Hey! We’re in space, baby — penis, vagina, it’s all good!

Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!”

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.

Voice: You like?

Astronaut Jones V/O: You’re lookin’ up, money!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Amazon.com Widgets

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Tracy Morgan’s Monologue

…..Tracy Morgan
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Tracy Morgan!

Tracy Morgan: Thank you! Thanks! Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you. [ he quiets the audience down ] Thank you, White People! [ the audience cheers ] It is an HONOR to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I was a cast member on “SNL” for SEVEN years! And, tonight, I’m in more sketches than I ever was in my whole entire seven years on this show! I’m back like Stone Yoses [?], baby!

Things are good for me. I’ve been doing “30 Rock”… [ the audience cheers ] But, of course, I always have some controversy. You may have seen me on the news recently because my fish tank blew up. But that’s an exaggeration. I had an electrical fire in my apartment, which can happen to anyone. But, for some reason, when it happens to me, papers make it sound so GHETTO! Look at these headlines!

[ headline: “Fishy Fire In Comedian’s Crib!” ]

Tracy Morgan: Why is it my crib, and not my home? Racist! Or, this one:

[ headline: “Troubled Star Scorches Pad” ]

Tracy Morgan: “Troubled”? You know why I’m troubled? My damn HOUSE burned down!! Or, this one:

[ headline: “Scary Black Man Wrecks House” ]

Tracy Morgan: That was the New York Times! Now, I’m not actually a ridiculous person. This fire could have happened to anyone. I have the pictures to prove it.

[ image: Tracy smiling next to his fish tank ]

Tracy Morgan: Here’s me before the fire, just relaxing at home. If I was ghetto, would I have two sharks, eight moray eels, and an illegal boxed jellyfish that I got from an ill Australian dude on the black market? Ghetto? I’d hardly think so!

[ image: Tracy frying chicken in front of the fish tank ]

Tracy Morgan: This was later that evening. I was just relaxing around the house, frying up some chicken legs for the sharks.

[ image: Tracy and his cousin playing Nintendo ]

Tracy Morgan: Then, my cousin Ray-Ray called and asked if I wanted to play some old school Nintendo. I said “Come over around Seven”. So he came over around Nine.

[ image: Tracy, his cousin, and a friend holding samurai swords in front of the fish tank and frying chicken ]

Tracy Morgan: Then me, Ray-Ray, and my friend Cheese started to mess around with these samurai swords I bought myself for Christmas. That’s not ghetto! That’s just ancient!

[ image: the boys discovering a fire near the fish tank ]

Tracy Morgan: And then we smelled fire. So I picked up a phone, and then I dialed 9-1-… 7… 5-5-5, 0-1-9-9. And I told my business manager I needed a new place to live, just like any normal person would have done!

Everyone’s okay. The fish are all okay. And I got asked to come here, and do this. So I feel good. [ the audience cheers ] I just want to say Thanks to Lorne Michaels. I wouldn’t be here without that dude. He gave me this job! He’s my Obi-Wan Kinobi. When I worked here, I used to come up to Lorne every week and be like, “Lorne… how am I doing?” And he would just look at me and say, “Get out of here, I’m pissing!” Nah, I’m just kidding! Come on up here, Lorne! I love you, Lorne!

[ Tracy pulls an elederly stage manager to the stage ]

Tracy Morgan: Lorne Michaels, everybody!

Stage Manager: Tracy, I’ve been telling you this for thirteen years: I’m a stage manager here! My name is Ted.

Tracy Morgan: [ stunned ] What?! Then, who’s Lorne Michaels?!

[ Stage Manager points offstage to reveal Lorne Michaels standing next to Seth Meyers on the High IQ set ]

Tracy Morgan: Oh! That dude? I remember that dude! What are you looking at, Slim?! Get me a soda, BITCH!!

[ Lorne hands his wine glass to Meyers, and handles Tracy’s request ]

Tracy Morgan: We’ve got a great show! Kelly Clarkson is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson performs “My Life Would Suck Without You”

…..Tracy Morgan
…..Kelly clarkson

Tracy Morgan: Ladies and gentlemen — Kelly Clarkson.

Kelly Clarkson: [ singing ]
“Guess this means you’re sorry
You’re standing at my door
Guess this means you take back all you said before

Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you’d never come back
but here you are again

‘Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you

Maybe I was stupid
For telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight
I know that I got issues
But you’re pretty messed up, too
Either way I found out
I’m nothing without you

‘Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you

Being with you is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you
But I can’t let you go, yeah

‘Cause we belong together now,yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you

‘Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you!”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

An SNL Digital Short

…..Bill Hader
…..Andy Samberg
Dude…..Bobby Moynihan
Winners…..Casey Wilson, Abby Elliott
Mr. Personality…..Kenan Thompson
Numbnuts…..John Lutz
Asshole….. Fred Armisen
Bat-Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Tom…..Will Forte

[ Bill Hader and Andy Samberg enter a party scene ]

Bill Hader: I HATE these parties.

Andy Samberg: I know. So lame.

Bill Hader: It’s always the same people, man.

Andy Samberg: [ he sighs ] No kidding. [ points ] Look at this dude.

[ reveal a dude entered dressed in guido attire ]

Bill Hader V/O: [ mockingly ] Nice shirt.

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ points ] Oh, check out these winners.

[ reveal two chatty broads, dressed almost indentical ]

Winner #2: [ waving her hands ] It’s hot!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Ah, here we go — look at these jokers.

[ cut to three guys dressed as the Joker from Bat-Man ]

Bill Hader V/O: They’re tight!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: Oh, boy — [ points ] Check out Mr. Personality.

[ cut to black man wearing a “Mr. Personality” sash ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Why do we keep coming to these things?

Bill Hader: I don’t know.

Andy Samberg: [ points ] Yeah, look at this numbnuts.

[ show man sitting on a block of ice with his pants pulled down ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ points ] Check out that terd-burglar.

[ show masked man reaching into a toilet ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Hey, look at that guy.

[ show empty bathrobe hanging on the wall ]

Bill Hader V/O: No, I think it’s pronounced “Gee”.

Andy Samberg V/O: Well, look at that Gee.

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ pointing ] Look at those sonsofbitches.

[ reveal a litter of puppies on a chair ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Those guys are so baked.

[ reveal gingerbread men inside an oven ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: It’s a real sausage-fest.

[ reveal a pair of German men dancing with sausage links ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Look at that knucklehead.

[ reveal a face-painted hand ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ waving ] Hey there, Cowboy!

[ reveal a man wearing a cow head waving back with a “Moo-oo!” ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: It’s What’s-His-Face.

[ reveal man with a blurred face ]

What’s-His-Face: Hi!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Check out this asshole.

[ reveal Asshole frowning ]

Asshole: Not cool!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Look what the cat dragged in. [ he holds up a mouse by its tail ]

Bill Hader: Check out that hot piece of ass.

[ reveal what looks like a meaty piece of ass cooking on the stove ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Here comes the cavalry.

[ reveal a group of soldiers marching, with bugles blowing ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ pointing ] Look who decided to show his face!

[ reveal a man in Bat-Man costume sans mask, as one of the Jokers pounds him with a board ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Look at these motherf–kers.

[ reveal three young dudes with their arms wrapped around three older ladies ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ looking ] Oh, man… I can’t believe they let Tom here. That guy’s a cereal rapist.

[ reveal Tom in a bathroom, going at it with a box of Alpha-bits. He huts the door. ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: This party BLOWS!

Andy Samberg: [ looking ] Oh, man… check out these douchebags.

[ reveal their reflection in a mirror ]

Bill Hader: [ with a heavy sigh ] That’s us.

[ cut to black ]

SNL Transcripts