Category: 1976

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Singles Bar

Man…..Steve Martin
Woman…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Man and Woman sitting at table in singles bar ]

Man: [ laughing ] So, anyway, the first time I ever came to one of these singles bars, I.. fell down the stairs and crashed into the cigarette machine!

Woman: [ charmed ] That’s what happened to me, too!

Man: You’re kidding me!

Woman: No!

Man: Well.. I’ll be honest with you: when I first saw you, I kinda figured that that happened to you, too.

Woman: [ excited ] Really?!

Man: Yeah. Just by looking at you. I’ll-I’ll-I’ll bet you play on “Old MacDonald” on push-button phones, too, right?

Woman: [ laughs ] Right! [ laughs ]

Man: You know, it’s funny.. we’ve only been together here, like, ten minutes, and already we have a lot in common!

Woman: I know.

Man: It’s really amazing. I mean, like, what do you do for a living?

Woman: Oh, I-I.. calibrate the pressure ratios for hydraulic valve systems.

Man: [ guffaws ] So do I! Oh! What did you do before that?

Woman: Well, I folded the little plastic index tabs that separate the sections in notebooks.

Man: [ amazed ] I did, TOO!!!

Woman: [ laughing ] Oh, no!

Man: I can’t believe this!

Woman: This is incredible!

Man: Hey, look – what does your tongue taste like to you?

Woman: [ thinking ] Um.. nothing. It has no flavor.

Man: Really?! Neither does mine! Oh! Wha-what’s your favorite loud noise?

Woman: Oh.. I-I don’t know.. I like all of them..

Man: Ah, you must have a special favorite..

Woman: No, I don’t have a favorite, I like them all equally well.

Man: What about when you turn on the bathroom water, and it doesn’t come out right away, and then suddenly it just all comes out!

Woman: I love that! Oh.. what about when it’s summer, and you’re sitting on a leather sofa, and you’re wearing shorts and you’re sweating, and you have to stand up real quickly?

Man: [ excited ] That’s my favorite pain! You said my exact favorite! That’s my favorite!

Woman: Listen.. don’t you just hate it when you’re sitting in your room, and you hear screams and shouts outside, becuase someone got hit by a truck?

Man: Yeah! Yeah! What’s your favorite land mass?

Woman: [ thinking ] Dalmation Islands, just off the coast of Yugoslavia.

Man: The southern one? A little further inland.

Together: Just above the 30th Parallel!!

Woman: I like your nose.

Man: Ah. And you’re so healthy looking, real natural.

Woman: Well, I try to eat right, and I exercise. And I never, uh.. open a safety pin and punch into my face all over.

Man: That’s good.

Woman: Look, uh.. don’t you just hate it when somebody dies in the apartment next door to yours, and they don’t find them for a couple of weeks.. and. when they do, their pet parrot ate half of them.

Man: Yeah. [ they kiss ] Hey.. you know what I’d like to do right now?

Woman: What?

Man: Have you seen “A Star Is Born”?

Woman: Yes!

Man: Well, let’s go stand in line.. and when it gets to be our turn, we’ll go back and get into the end of the line again!

Woman: [ laughs ] Oh, I’d love that!

Man: Let’s go!

[ they both stand, hold one leg behind their back and begin to hop ]

Man: You like to hop!

Woman: Oh, everywhere!

[ they hop into the darkened set, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman
General Lazette…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [ smiling ] Hi! I’m Jane Curtin. Remember the last time I did “Weekend Update” from this desk? [ a beat ] Not tonight, I have a headache.

Our top story tonight: A report from Florida states that Anita Bryant plans to undergo a sex-change operation this Spring. The exact date will not be set until the popular TV personality decides which sex to change to. More on this story as it develops.

Well, beginning March 15th, “The Tonight Show”, starring Johnny Carson, will be broadcast live on the NBC-TV network. Carson, who has been doing this show dead for the past fifteen years, could not explain how he was going to make that transition.

The Greenwich Village Community Court, today, convincted the City of Cincinnati for obscenity, for their conviction of Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt. The Greenwich Village Court sentenced the people of cincinnati to live in Cincinnati.

Although President Carter has forbidden the drinking of hard liquor in the White House, he revealed this week that he doesn’t object to taking it intravenously. The President is shown here having a shot of bourbon to celebrate the birth of his new grandson.

Adolph Hitler’s right-hand man, Rudolph Hess, unsuccessfully attempted suicide this week in Berlin’s spandau Prison, where he is the only inmate. Authorities said the 82-year old Nazi became confused after secretly plant — pran — planning —

[ Jane starts over ]

Adolph Hitler’s right-hand man, Rudolph Hess, unsuccessfully attempted suicide this week in Berlin’s Spandau Prison, where he is the only inmate. Authorities said the 82-year old Nazi became confused after secretly planning a prison break, and repeatedly saying to himself, “Pass it on.”

[ Jane shoves the news sheet across the desk ]

Pass it on.

Still to come: Bob Hope and Geral Ford announce wedding plans, after this word… from whoever!

[ dissolve to ad parody: Dr. Ruth Breadloaf ]

[ return to “Weekend Update” ]

Jane Curtin: The United States Defense Department has recently been test-flying the President’s new flying command post: a regular 747 airplane, which was converted for his use in case of a nuclear attack. “Update” has made arrangements to take its cameras onboard the aircraft. Let’s go now for a special report with Laraine Newman, somewhere above Washington.

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing beside a Defense General inside the cockpit of a 747 ]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing inside the electric core of the Defense Department’s Executive Command Flying Post. With me is Major General Robert Lazette, who’s responsible for the maintenance of this complex aircraft. [ acknowledging the control panel behind her ] Uh, Mr. Lazette, what is this control panel that we’re looking at here.

General Lazette: Okay, this is a Warning Signal Transmitting Army Console — W-S-T-A-C. We call it STACY.

Laraine Newman: And, what is STACY’s function?

General Lazette: Uh, okay: in the instance of a nuclear confrontation, President Carter can be inside the plane and airborne within ten minutes. Now, through this console, he’s hooked into the Command Data Buffer System in Colorado. He can then program, cancel, and reset enemy targets… [ he flips a switch ] from onboard the aircraft.

Laraine Newman: I see. Well, General, with all of the flying weaponry, which would be airborne during a nuclear attack, isn’t a big airplane like this particularly vulnerable to, say, a small heat-seeking or laser-guided device?

General Lazette: [ stung ] Uh… y-yeah, I-I guess so… [ worriesome ] Now that you mention it, I…

Laraine Newman: This is Laraine Newman aboard the expensive and dangerous Flying Command Post. We’re taking it back —

General Lazette: [ defensively ] But you — you can see where it’s going to hit, on this little screen here! you can see it before it hits!

Laraine Newman: Mmm-hmm. Taking it back to you, Jane.

[ return to newsdesk ]

Jane Curtin: An “Update” Correction. Last week, we inadvertently reported that Supreme Court Justice Warren Burger won the 1958 Kentucky Derby. Well, we stand corrected. What we meant to say was that Tom Snyder is actually one of a pair of Siamese twins, and his much smaller sister spends most of her time inside Tom’s shirt doing research for the “Tomorrow” show.

Hugh Bennet of St. Louis, Missouri is suing the Food & Drug Administration for one million dollars. The 78-year old Bennett has an electronic pacemaker in his heart, which he says works great every time, except, when he sneezes, his garage door opens up. His case will be heard later this month.

This just released: according to a United Nations report on international poverty, in certain Third World countries, Prince Spaghetti Day only comes once a year.

Our final story tonight: Foods & Computronics, a firm which orders meals for in-flight service for many airlines, was fined $3,000 by the Civil Aeronautics Board, because of a mix-up on an El El flight to Tel Aviv. Where there was supposed to be 250 meals, consisting of 185 koasher, 50 normal, and 15 vegetarian, due to a computer mix-up only 180 kosher, 42 normal, and 3 vegetarian meals were ordered. As a result, the remaining 25 passengers without meals were forced to beg scraps of the appropriate leftovers from other passengers, clogging the aisles and making the meal service an unpleasant and messy affair. Said passenger Isaac Singer: [ in thick Jewish accent ] “At least, Thank God, there was enough to go around! That’s right, we should all starve in the sky!”

Jane Curtin: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Celebrity Weightlifting

…..Bill Murray
Vasselai Alexev…..John Belushi
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis…..Gilda Radner

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Bill Murray standing in front of a weightlifting mat and a pair of barbells ]

Bill Murray: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to Celebrity Weight Lifting. Tonight’s big treat, of course, is the cleaning jerk competition, featuring Vasselai Alexev, the big Russian, who’s won this event three times in the Olympic Games — three Golds.

[ reveal Alexev strutting in the background ]

And his opponent tonight will be Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, the socialite and former First Lady.

[ reveal Onassis smiling sweetly in the background ]

Now, there’s no doubt about it, that Alexev is at the top of his form now. Of course, he won — he broke his old record last year at Montreal in the Olympic Games there, no question about it. Jackie, of course, has been plagued with injuries — most recently, that big rib cage separation she suffered just a few weeks ago over at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, uh, their Imperial Russian Costume Exhibition over there. Uh, that must still hurt — just how much, we’re gonna see in a moment.

[ Onassis steps away from the mat ]

Okay, it looks like Vasselai is about ready to make his first attempt, at a weight of 250 kilograms.

[ Alexev stands before the barbells and preps himself ]

Ohhhh, look at that neck! I understand it’s a nineteen-inch neck, the Russian has.

[ Alexev grabs one end of the barbell, then grabs the other, then lifts it up to his neck ]

It’s up! It’s up! He’s cleaned in…

[ Alexev lifts the barbell high above his head, poses, then thrusts it down at the mat ]

AND IT’S GOOD!! A very fine win for Alexev — 250 kilograms! You can see why he won the Gold Medal last year at Montreal.

[ as Alexev steps out of the way, Onassis prances forward and toward the barbell ]

Now, uh, it looks like Ms. Onassis is approaching the bar — this will be her first attempt. What a competitor, she’s got a lot of drive — it runs in the family, you know. And, uh, she’s approaching the bar…

[ Onassis poses in front of the barbells, keeping her knees locked in position at all times ]

You know, she tried Gatorade, uh — she gave some Gatorade to Alexev, in the locker room. He said he never tried it, they were going to arrange to try to get a couple of cases sent over to the Soviet Union, so he could use it in his own training camp.

[ Onassis grabs two ends of the barbell, starts to lift, then releases her grip to check her nails ]

Oop — she’s not happy with her grip. And I don’t blame her. If you’re not ready, you just walk away from the bars. That’s the way they say to do it, and she’s right to do it.

[ Onassis daintily bends down and grabs the barbells again ]

Okay, she’s got it…

[ Onassis attempts to lift the barbells, but faces difficulty as she crouches down and struggles to lift them past her knees ]

She seems a little bit unsteady…

[ Onassis slowly struggles to rise with the barbells in her grip ]

She’s got it… she is cleaning it… she’s trying to clean it, she’s trying to clean, she’s at — shes’s cleaning! She’s cleaning it…!

[ Onassis struggles, but she finally lift the barbells over her head and shakily holds it in place ]

She’s got it!!

[ Onassis is unable to maintain her balance ]

Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Gotta be steady!

[ Onassis, still gripping the barbells, galls backwards onto the mat ]

Ohhhh!!! NO!!! Oh!! You had to remain steady, of course, and the judges are gonna give it to Alexev.

[ Alexev steps forward, beaming with victory ]

Oh, Vasselai — another convincing victory, if only she could have hung on. How do you feel about your weight tonight?

Vasselai Alexev: [ rambles in Russian until: ] — maybe you could get me a pair of blue jeans, some time?

Bill Murray: [ chuckles] Love to, Alexev! You certainly did outdo your performance tonight. Let me check on Ms. Onassis’ condition. [ looks over her slumped body ] Uh — Jackie? How are you? What do you think about the lift?

Jackqueline Kenney Onassis: Oh, I… I think it’s my collarbone… I… I think I broke it…

Bill Murray: [ jumps to his feet ] Ah, she broke the collarbone! Well, it’s always the collaegone — that’s what they always say! Well, you can’t help but wonder if maybe Jackie will be missing that big, uh, party for Rudolph Nureyev this Monday night. She won’t be able to compete at the jerkfest, no doubt about it. But, we’re about of time, right now, but please come on back, join us next Saturday night, when the Finals of the Two-Handed Snatch will, uh, feature Aretha Franklin and Eric Severeid. We’ll see you then, you take care!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:



Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 12th, 1977

Sissy Spacek

Richard Baskin

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Dave Wilson

Jim Downey


Dave Wilson is DeadSummary: The sudden death of director Dave Wilson places the show in jeopardy.

Transcript

Montage

Sissy Spacek’s MonologueSummary: Sissy Spacek gives her Oscar speech and performs a cut baton-twirling scene from “Carrie.”

Transcript

Burger MasterSummary: Have your burger any way you want it, no request is too odd to handle.

Transcript

Ask President CarterSummary: Walter Cronkite (Bill Murray) hosts a radio Q&A session with President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: Walter Cronkite, President Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Amy’s Bedtime StorySummary: Amy Carter’s (Sissy Spacek) ex-con nanny (Garrett Morris) tells her a bedtime story.

Recurring Characters: Walter Cronkite, President Jimmy Carter, Amy Carter.

Transcript

How Your Children GrowSummary: Jane Curtin interviews Dr. Alan Ross (Bill Murray), a man afflicted with Quintlexia and who can only utter five words.

Note: Despite only having to utter the same five words throughout the sketch, Bill Murray manages to slip up and append a couple of extra words to his sentence at one point.

Transcript

John Belushi’s DreamSummary: John Belushi announces that he’s giving up comedy to train for the Decathlon.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Muhammad Ali (Garrett Morris) wants to make his own version of a “Rocky” movie. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) finds “endangered feces” to be an odd subject to comment on.

Recurring Characters: Muhammed Ali, Emily Litella.

Transcript

Richard Baskin & Sissy Spacek perform “One I Love You”

ImprovisationSummary: After having trouble creating spontaneous material about a meteorologist at a doctor’s office, improvisationists Al Franken and Tom Davis perform a scene in which they deliver the news after World War III.

Transcript

Gidget’s DiseaseSummary: Spokeswoman (Jane Curtin) discusses the disease that’s suffered by terminally cute women everywhere.

Transcript

Young NewlywedsSummary: White trash couple (John Belushi, Sissy Spacek) argue in their kitchen after a failed attempt at intimacy.

Transcript

The BatonSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Sissy Spacek twirls a baton in slow motion.

Bad PlayhouseSummary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) presents a scene from “The Millkeeper.”

Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell.

Transcript

Richard Baskin performs “City of One-Night Stands”

Sissy’s RolesSummary: In a film by Robert Altman, Sissy Spacek plays several roles in a series of related scenes.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Bad Playhouse

Written by: Tom Schiller

Leonard Pinth-Garnell…..Dan Aykroyd
Nils…..John Belushi
Pietri…..Laraine Newman
Jan…..Sissy spacek
Death…..Bill Murray

[ open on title slide: “Bad Playhouse” ]

[ Music: classical piano – “March of the Lunatics” ]

Announcer: And now it’s time for “Bad Playhouse”, with your host — Leonard Pinth-Garnell.

[ music fades, as the scene dissolves onto Leonard Pinth-Garnell seated on a stool at the edge of Home Base ]

Leonard Pinth-Garnell: Hello, I’m Leonard Pinth-Garnell, and welcome once again to “Bad Playhouse”. Tonight, we feature a work by Jan Voorstraat, one of the worst of the new breed of bad Dutch playwrights of the Piet Hein School. His work has been reviled not only in his native Amsterdam, but throughout Europe. Voorstraat’s early plays dealt with the “existentialism of being” — difficult to understand because they were so very poorly written.

[ he holds the play script up to the camera ]

Tonight’s play, entitled “The Mill Keeper”, was written by the young Voorstraat in 1953 before he had even learned to form sentences. The principal characters of the play are the young millkeeper, Nils; his new bride, Pietri; his sister, Jan; “Death”; and the mill itself. The inner action of the play deals with the torment of the young bride alone in a windmill with her husband and his sister, who is caught in the clutches of death. Nils is torn between the idea of loving them and his endless need to work at the milling of grain. It is twilight as the play begins.

[ the background lights rise to reveal the interior of a Dutch windmill. Nils, his mouth agape, slowly and painfully pivots the spoke of the wooden rotating column of the windmill, as Pietri wrings her hands and shrieks. ]

[ “Death” enters, carrying Jan, and joins the procession behind Nils as they slowly and painfully continue their journey around the windmill’s column. Pietri continues to wring her hands and shriek. ]

[ the lights go down, as the actors step forward to bow ]

Leonard Pinth-Garnell: Thank you, thank you so much. [ to the audience ] There, now — that wasn’t so good, was it? And now, I’d like to introduce the cast of tonight’s “Bad Playhouse”. The ardent young millkeeper was played by Mike Mollay; [ he bows ] The young bride was portrayed by Christina Malfi; [ she bows ] And the sister was Genevieve Venus; [ she bows ] And “Death” was Ronnie Bateman. [ he bows ]

[ the entire cast bows, as the audience applauds, then they walk off stage ]

Much —

[ the cast returns for a second set of bows and more applause from the audience ]

Terrible! Terrible! Awful! Awful! Awful! Couldn’t be worse! Couldn’t be worse! Terrible! Simply awful!

[ the cast walks off stage again ]

Much of Voorstraat’s work was much worse in his later years. Next week on “Bad Playhouse”, join me for an even worse play: Elmo Simpson’s “The Hod Carrier”.

[ music rises ]

Leonard Pinth-Garnell: Until then, this is Leonard Pinth-Garnell saying good night!

[ he drops the play script into a wastebasket near his foot ]

[ dissolve to title slide: “Bad Playhouse” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

John Belushi’s Dream

… John Belushi
… Don Pardo

[In an office filled with sporting goods (a barbell, abasketball net, a catcher’s mitt, etc.), John Belushi,wearing a lettered collegian’s sweater, sits on theedge of a desk, passing a football from hand to hand,before addressing the camera:]

John Belushi: Hi. I’m John Belushi. I guess you’veseen me on the show here. I’m one of the actors. Thisis my office. NBC has allowed me this time to make avery personal announcement. Ladies and gentlemen,fans, friends, I’m announcing at this time … that Iam retiring from show business. Now, this was not asudden decision on my part. I feel that there areothers who can make you laugh. I know that because Iused to be one of them. I’m quitting the businessbecause I feel my contribution is not acting. Mycontribution to mankind is not to be an actor. My truedestiny is to win the Olympic gold medal in thedecathlon at the Moscow games in 1980. [sets thefootball aside] The decathlon — ten grueling events– from the one hundred meters to the fifteen hundredmeter run — the ultimate test. And the winner cantruly be called the world’s greatest athlete. That ismy destiny. Of course, I’ll have to quit the show anddevote all of my time to training. Unfortunately, Ihaven’t saved any money from this show to live onuntil then. That’s why I’m selling these — [holds upa large gold coin] Olympic gold coins — with the maskof comedy and tragedy on one side [shows other side ofcoin] and the likeness of myself clearing the heightof eight feet, two inches in the high jump on theother. [Olympic theme music plays] Now, we all knowthat the Russian athletes are supported by Communistmoney. Olympians like myself are supported solely by”free enterprise” money, your money. Think of it as aninvestment — or a rip-off, I don’t care. Because foronce in my life, I’m not going for the laugh, I’mgoing for the gold.

[Dissolve to a graphic that reads: JOHN BELUSHI’SDREAM, Greenwich Village, New York City, N.Y., N.Y. asDon Pardo takes over:]

Don Pardo: Send five dollars to JOHN BELUSHI’S DREAM,Greenwich Village, New York City, New York, New York.

[Dissolve back to Belushi:]

John Belushi: See you in Moscow in 1980! Be there!

[Belushi leans back and starts doing sit-ups on top ofthe desk. He manages to do a complete one, then does ahalf sit-up and counts it as “two” — then we dissolveto the applauding audience and zoom in on one gentleman over whom a superimposed text reads: LIVING A LIE.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Burger Master

1st Employee … Gilda Radner
2nd Employee … Garrett Morris
3rd Employee … Laraine Newman
1st Customer … Bill Murray
2nd Customer … Jane Curtin
3rd Customer … John Belushi
4th Customer … Jim Downey

[Behind the counter at the Burger Master fast foodrestaurant, three employees stand with their backs tothe camera, wearing garish orange and yellow caps anduniforms. They turn to face the camera, holdinghamburgers.]

Three Employees: [hum a note and then sing]Hold the lettuce, hold the cheesesSpecial orders don’t displease us

1st Customer: [enters, to employees] Hi. I’d like aburger, medium rare. Could you put grilled onions onit but no pickles. And if it’s not too much trouble,would you mind pouring some Kukoa Colombian frog bloodall over it, please?

1st Employee: [obnoxious grin] No trouble at allllll![turns, fixes burger, hands it to customer who exitsas the three employees hum a note and then sing:]

Three Employees:
Burgers any way you want ’em
You tell us what’s off or on ’em

2nd Customer: [enters, to employees] Hi. I’d like aburger, well done. Put a little relish on it, somecold water detergent and, if it’s not too much of aproblem, would you mind blowing your nose on the bun?

2nd Employee: Comin’ up! [turns, fixes burger, blowsnose in it, hands it to customer who exits as thethree employees hum a note and then sing:]

Three Employees:
Drive thru Burger Master and see
Burgers plain and burgers fancy

3rd Customer: Hey, I’d like a burger.

3rd Employee: Hey! Anything on that?

3rd Customer: Why, yes. A used hair-net, moth crystals, old radio parts, confetti, cole slaw, a cat-nipped mouse and the entire contents of a lava lamp.

3rd Employee: You’re the boss! [turns, fixes burger,hands it to customer who exits as a 4th customerenters and shows a piece of paper to the employees]

Don Pardo: [voice-over] Yes, at Burger Master, you’rethe boss! Burgers the way you like ’em at pricesthat’ll make you wonder where we get our meat. So whynot drop down to Burger Master today?

1st Employee: [to the 4th customer] Ah, right! Herethey are, sir! [employees bring out three trays ofburgers and place them on the counter] Fifty burgers,each prepared in their own special way!

4th Customer: Oh, one more thing. Would you mindjumping up and down on them until they’re mashed intoa disgusting pulp?

1st Employee: No trouble at all!

[The employees sing as they climb up on the counterand stomp on the burgers in time with the song:]

Three Employees:
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss!etc.

[After a closer view of the smashed burgers being trodunderfoot, we pan up and away from the set — wherethe employees continue to stomp and sing — to revealthe applauding audience above. As the SNL band kicksin, we slowly zoom in one one young woman over whom asuperimposed text reads: LAUGHED WHEN BAMBI’S MOTHERDIED. The woman reads this and cracks up.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Amy’s Bedtime Story

Stagehand…..Joe Dicso
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Walter Cronkite…..Bill Murray
Amy Carter…..Sissy Spacek
Mary Fitzpatrick…..Garrett Morris

[ dissolve back onto the Carter set ]

Stagehand: [ enters ] Well, thank you, Mr. President! That’s a wrap!

President Jimmy Carter: Thank you!

[ crewmen begin to remove all the television equipment ]

President Jimmy Carter: [ to Cronkite ] Well, that was — that was okay. That worked out okay.

Walter Cronkite: Yeah, that was pretty good. We’ll have to do that again sometime.

President Jimmy Carter: [ looks offscreen ] Hello, Amy!

[ Amy quietly enters the scene ]

Amy Carter: Hi, Daddy!

President Jimmy Carter: Amy, this is Mr. Cronkite.

Walter Cronkite: Hello, Amy.

[ Amy shakes hands with Mr. Cronkite ]

President Jimmy Carter: Uh, honey — I’m going to walk Uncle Walter out to his car, and then I’m gonna come back in, we’ll have some milk and cookies in the kitchen, okay? [ looks offscreen ] Mary?

[ Mary the Nanny comes down the stairs ]

Mary Fitzpatrick: Yes, Mr. President?

President Jimmy Carter: Mary, will you mind Amy while I get back? Um — this is Mr. Cronkite. This is, um, Amy’s nanny, Mary.

Mary Fitzpatrick: Ah yes, the ex-convict from Georgia! Hello, pleased to meet you.

President Jimmy Carter: Yes, okay. Fine. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.

[ Carter and Cronkite exit the scene ]

Mary Fitzpatrick: Child, your father sure knows how to USE the media. Come on, let’s go back and get some milk and cookies, alright?

Amy Carter: Nanny, is it true that you lived in a state prison?

Mary Fitzpatrick: [ she stops in her tracks ] Yes, child, I made some mistakes, I had some ba-a-ad breaks!

Amy Carter: Nanny, you’re ni-i-i-ice…

Mary Fitzpatrick: So are you, sweetheart.

Amy Carter: Nanny, can you tell me a bedtime story?

Mary Fitzpatrick: Why, sure. Come on — sit on my knee! [ Amy sits ] Okay! Now, this is the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears! Now, it was the summer of ’70… and after just working for a long time for the State Department of Agriculture, Goldilocks FINALLY got her letters from the parole board!

Amy Carter: The parole board?

Mary Fitzpatrick: Yeah! See, she just done the big quince downstate for wastin’ some lowlife cat in Gainsville, honey.

Amy Carter: The big quince?

Mary Fitzpatrick: A QUINCY! Five big ones! You know, uhhh —

Amy Carter: Oh, yeah —

Mary Fitzpatrick: YEARS!

Amy Carter: — like you been locked up and stirred?

Mary Fitzpatrick: That’s right! Yeah! So, there she is, out of the joint, right? Back on the street with nothing but a state-owned pair of jeans. So she takes a bus to Tampa, she gets some heat from a friend, right? She steals a car, and then she POPS a supermarket for some free eagles!

Amy Carter: She knocked off a store for some money?

Mary Fitzpatrick: That’s right, honey! Yeah! Then, she drives north of town, right? Into the dark, wet Everglades.

Amy Carter: She have her hipwaders on?

Mary Fitzpatrick: Why, yes, she did. Mmm-hmm. Are you sure I haven’t told you this one before? Hmm?

[ Amy shakes her heads no ]

Mary Fitzpatrick: Well, anyway… pretty soon, she comes up on this shack sittin’ on the steps, right? Now, by now, little Goldilocks is hungrier than a porpoise at Marineland, child.

Amy Carter: Marineland?

Mary Fitzpatrick: Yeah, it’s like a fish zoo, you know? So… she pulls her piece, removes the lock on the door — BOOM! BOOM! — and then, she goes in and she eats THREE bowls of hot gator soup! [ mimes eating sloppily from a bowl ] Right? And then she crashes for the night. And when she finishes — rather, when she wakes up — she’s looking right down there, straight into the twin barrels of a 16-gauge shotgun, honey. You see, what she done was, she broke into the home of the Three Bears — Mama Bear, Cleofus Bear, and Winston Bear. You know? But, luckily, she had been in the joint with Winston’s old lady, and Cleofus got her a job as an ambulance dispatcher in Miami. And — and it happened.

Amy Carter: [ suddenly riled up ] Don’t you jive me with none of that bull fairy tale jive, honey! I know that Goldilocks sure don’t go no place there like Florida! I know what goes down someplace like… Bovaria, or German, or someplace like that! Jive!

Mary Fitzpatrick: Noooo, no! Honey, you thinkin’ about Hansel & Gretal!

Amy Carter: Oh, yeah… I forgot…

Mary Fitzpatrick: Yeah. I don’t know — for a child your age, you gettin’ mighty streetwise! Come on, let’s go eat some cookies.

Amy Carter: Yeah!

Mary Fitzpatrick: Okay!

[ they stnd and run off into the kitchen ]

[ camera pulls back, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Is Taxidermy The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Televised Execution Rehearsal

Warden…..Dan Aykroyd
Murderer……Tom Schiller
Director……Bill Murray
Assistant……Laraine Newman
Priest……George Benson

[ open on rehearsal for televised execution ]

Warden: Hi. Welcome to Lubbock State Penitentiary. I’m Warden Roy Groomis.. and welcome to the first local televised execution of convicted mass murderer Dean Slydell. Hi, Dean. How are you doing tonight?

Murderer: Well.. I guess I am a little nervous, Warden. It’s my first time.

Warden: Dean.. tell us why you are in the chair tonight.

Murderer: Okay, Warden. Well, I guess it all started when I was a kid..

Warden: Don’t take too long, Dean.. we don’t have too much air time.

Murderer: Okay. I stabbed – or took part in the stabbing of – 29 bank employees.

Warden: Fine. Thank you. Now, a little bit about the chair itself. It’s a beauty, folks. The chair is a custom-built Mainway Fry King, delivering 25,000 volts AC output at 2 amps boosted to 10 amps at point of execution.

Murderer: Say.. that’s a lot.. of juice, Warden!

Warden: Well, it’s not that we’ll ever need that much.. but it’s there if we need it.

Director: [ off-screen ] Cut!! Cut!! [ runs into scene ] Make-up, can you get in here, please! Sorry, fellas. Dean! Honey, having a little bit of trouble with your face, you’ve got an angry nose shadow. Can you get that, Francis? You’re perfect, you’re perfect! Okay, you got a good face, Phil, I want to see your face. Okay, lights! Phil! Please, baby! Throw a K-84 in this scrim on Deano’s face here, please – he’s looking like a hubcap on a ’56 Chevy, huh? You’re striving, baby, come on! [ beats on electro-headcover like a set of drums ] Okay! What’s going on here? You know, we gotta get a mood here, you know? I’m sorry, baby. Uh.. Dean! you’re going to fry, okay? You’re going to die, alright? Will you let us see what that feels like? What happens when you think about that, okay? Just show the people, okay? Beautiful! Alright, Props! Willie! [ Prop Man enters ] Hey, Animal.. come here, baby! Alright! Alright! I want to see the Governor’s phone in this shot, okay? Will you get it in here? Even if you have to cheat it, use a still, will you, Animal? Okay, where is my priest! Where in the hell is the guy?

Assistant: Right here, Jim! [ pushes Priest into the shot ]

Director: Okay. Hello, Reverend. Hello. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!

Assistant: You asked for a Baptist priest!

Director: A black priest in Texas – terrific. It will not work! Take him, take him, take him, get away from me, get away from me, get away from me! Go talk to Ferguson, I’m sorry! Okay. Alright, Warden, excuse me. You know what we need here? We need a little bit of warmth. Now, you know the guy, okay? Now, how long you been on Death Row now, maybe seven, eight years..

Warden: Seven years, two months.

Director: Seven years, two months. Okay. Now, I want you to put your arm around him, okay? Can we get this? [ Warden and Murderer wrap arms around one another ] Oh, that is perfecto! Perfecto! Isn’t it a little more warm? Everybody! Order! Okay, good, good, good! Okay, alright, let’s pick it up from the last part – your speech about the chair, Warden! Okay? Ready? Quiet, please! and.. action! [ exits scene ]

Warden: ..25,000 volts AC output at 2 amps boosted to 10 amps at point of execution.

Murderer: Say.. that’s a lot of.. [ screams ]

Director: [ off-screen ] Cut! Cut! Cards! [ enters scene ] Al! Will you look at this now, he’s showing the last card. Great! That’s for tomorrow, you banana-brain – get outta here! Oh.. Okay, I’m sorry.. talk about bringing you down prematurely. Okay, everybody, that is a wrap, okay, people? Thank you! Deano, get some sleep, huh? You’ve got some circles here under the eyes, we want you to look terrific on Wednesday, okay? Madeline, will you give them their calls? Tomorrow, everybody! Peace!

Assistant: Okay, Dean, we’ll pick you up tomorrow morning on Death Row at 7:30.. and, Warden-

Warden: I can get here myself, I’ve got my own car.

Assistant: Okay.

Director: Wardem, Warden, may I say that it’s getting a terrific reaction on the set, and they are the toughest audience. I can say that. Let’s get some coffee or something – come on!

[ they exit set, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Goodnights

… Ralph Nader and cast

[Ralph Nader stands at home base, flanked by LaraineNewman and Gilda Radner. Jane Curtin and Bill Murrayare visible in the background.]

Ralph Nader: Well, it’s been a fun evening. Notan easy evening. Uh, biting humor. [suddenly laughsmaniacally, to the amusement of the cast] Take that,Tom Snyder! And thank you all very much! Good sport!Thank you for the cast.

Laraine Newman: [waves into camera] Good night,John!

Gilda Radner: Good night, John!

Ralph Nader: [waves into camera] John Belushi,get well!

Gilda Radner: Yeah!

Ralph Nader: Don’t defy the laws ofgravity!

[We pull back some more to reveal that the five areflanked by Garrett Morris who is eating peanuts andmusical guest George Benson.]

Garrett Morris: Break a leg, John!

Ralph Nader: [picks up cardboard box of peanutsand starts tossing them in the air] Have somepeanuts!

Gilda Radner: Good night, everybody!

Ralph Nader: Peanuts! Peanuts!

[The closing theme kicks in. The cast throws peanutsinto the crowd. George Benson, all but ignored, waves.The camera pulls back and away to reveal theapplauding audience.]

Don Pardo V/O: Joining tonight’s cast was BillMurray. Next Saturday Night, our host will be RuthGordon with musical guest Chuck Berry. This is yourold consumer, Don Pardo — I don’t care what RalphNader says — on the way home, I’m gonna consume a hotdog! I love rodent hairs! Goodnight.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts