SNL Transcripts: (None): 04/11/81: Same


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12




80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

Same

Irene Cara…..Gail Matthius

[ open on male dancers on stage ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Miss Irene Cara!

[ Irene runs out and stands between the male dancers ]

Irene Cara: [ singing ]“Baby, look at me
The girl who’s on TV
Sing the same song every time
Now you must know every rhyme by heart!

Grammys, Oscars, too
I do Captain Kangaroo
But you’re in good company
If you’re bored, think of me!

It’s always the sa-ame!
(Same!)
I sing the same some forever!
Next time, I may sing “Mame”!
(Mame!)
Suffer the least rejection
And not have to wear these pants!
(Pants!)
I keep getting yeast infections
This song has been always the same!
(Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same!)

At the Golden Globes
They ran short on stuff
Oh no, that was really nice
‘Cause they made me sing it twice in a row!

Diana Ross, for sure
Did not start out this way
All the kids at 21
Get to go out and have fun!

But me, it’s the same!
(Same!)
I sing this song forever
Just like some sci-fi film!
(Shoo!)
I play this lead on “Love Boat”
I play bits without malice!
(Same!)
I sing this song, the nation
Switches channels to “Dallas”
(Dallas!)
I wonder where all the fun went
Let me tell you, just goes redundant!
(Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant!)

Remember my name!
I wish I was Marie Osmond
I think I’m going to flip!
(Wow!)
I could now sing “Aida”
Get to wear clothes that unzip!
(Wow!)
I could not live forever
Constantly bearing the shame!
(Shame!)
Of being the only human
Who always sings exactly the same!

Exactly the same!
(Same!)”

[ Irene and her back-up dancers stop, with their arms in the air ] [ after a moment, the music kicks up again, and Irene and her back-up dancers hop off the stage and shimmy down the outer hall of Studio 8-H ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Goodnights


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12



80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Goodnights

…..Bill Murray

Bill Murray: Next week, the host will be RobertGuillaume and he will have Ian Drury and theBlockheads with him.

Off screen voice: All right!

Bill Murray: That’s right. [self-consciously,into the camera] Uh, Danny, John, Gilda, Laraine,Garrett, Jane, [rolls his eyes trying to remember ifhe’s forgotten anyone] Gilda, Laraine — [seriously]I’m sorry for what I’ve done.

[The others laugh at this. Cheers and applause as Billsmiles wryly and waves. As the closing theme kicks inand the cast waves, Charles Rocket leans in and givesBill a big hug. Eventually, the cast crowds aroundBill who shakes Eddie Murphy’s hand warmly. The castgives Bill noogies. After a while, we pull back andpan over the applauding audience in Studio8H.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: (None): 04/11/81: The Self-Righteous


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12






80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

The Self-Righteous

Announcer…..Michael O’Donoghue
Nurse…..Robin Duke
Police Officer…..Tony Rosato
Reporter…..Joe Piscopo
Doctor…..Tim Kazurinsky
Gunshot Victim…..Eddie Murphy

(Open on a still of a hospital where we see the superimposed text “Coming This Fall on NBC” in its coporate font with the NBC peacock logo on the bottom left corner of the screen. Jazzy, commanding music plays in the background)

Announcer V/O: They’re tough. They’re dedicated. They’re professionals who take their jobs seriously. They’re the self-righteous.

(Fade in on the hospital’s interior where we see the title card superimposed on the screen. The nurse at the front desk is seen talking on the phone. The title fades out as she hangs it up and a policeman walks in.)

Police Officer: Okay, look. I got to talk to that gunshot victim in there just for a few seconds, okay? I mean, it could help us get that killer off the streets.

Nurse: Well, forget it. That man in there is seriously injured. I’m a nurse and a damn good one and it’s my job to save lives, not play Cops and Robbers.

Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe if you cooperated, there’d be some more people out there that you wouldn’t have to patch up later. I’m a cop, damn it! It’s my job to protect them! (A reporter walks in holding a pencil and a note pad )

Reporter: Yeah, Daily Press. Iwas wondering if–

Police Officer: No comments on this case.

Reporter: Hey, I don’t know what you’re covering up in there, but those people out there have a right to know! I’m a reporter! It’s my duty to tell them! A doctor runs in)

Doctor: Hey, hey. This is a hospital. There are people dying in there. Now, I don’t know what’s going on out here, but I’m reponsible for their lives. So, shut up! (Takes off his surgical mask)

Nurse: [sarcastically] Oh-ho. Oh-ho! Well, maybe if you spent a little less time dealing with microbes and dealt with people like me, then maybe you’d understand them.

Doctor: Understanding people doesn’t save their lives.

Reporter: Hey, while you two are standing there talking, there are people in there dying and people out there waiting for the truth.

Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Why don’t you try walking a beat, huh? (The reporter scoffs as the gunshot victim walks in)

Gunshot Victim: Hey, wait a minute! Don’t I have a say here? After all, it’s my body! I’m a patient here. I’m a human being with human rights (turns to the doctor) and for one, I demand the right to die with dignity.

Doctor: You only have a flesh wound.

Gunshot Victim: And two, I have the right–

Doctor: Don’t bore us with that stuff. Listen–

Gunshot Victim: Hey, don’t point at me. My mother’s dead.

(Everyone starts arguing as the music starts playing again)

Announcer V/O: Five tediously self-absorbed people. The Self-Righteous. Coming this fall on NBC, proud as a peacock.

(Fade to a black background with the NBC peacock with the text NBC PROUD AS A PEACOCK below)

Submitted by: Kyleman88

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: No Sex With Mary



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12












80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

No Sex With Mary

Mary Cunningham…..Gail Matthius
Phil Beekman…..Charles Rocket
Chairman of the Board…..Joe Piscopo
Manuel…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on Mary Cunningham standing at podium ]

Mary Cunningham: Hello, I’m Mary Cunningham. Last October, I quit my job at Bendix because my boss held a press conference to announce that we were NOT sleeping together. Well, it was really awful. Now, this week, I finally got a new job, and my new corporation assures me that they will be a LOT more sensitive.

[ Seagram’s President Phil Beekman steps forward ]

Phil Beekman: That’s right. I’m the President of Seagram’s — Mary’s new company — and I sympathize with what Mary went through. So I just want to announce right here and now that I’m NOT sleeping with Ms. Cunningham. She is absolutely NOT my mistress, and I want to make it PERFECTLY Clear she’s absolutely not my sultry slave of love.

Mary Cunningham: But I’m NOT!!

Phil Beekman: That’s what I’m telling the people, Mary… [ to the audience ] Now, DON’T think that Mary and I have wild sex in the executive suite, in the boardroom, or on those so-called business trips, because, no kidding, we don’t! I’m not lying. And here’s someone else who Mary doesn’t service twenty-four hours a day, on call — our Chairman of the Board.

[ Chairman of the Board enters ]

Chairman of the Board: That’s right! Don’t ask me what Mary looks like under those, uh, conservative suits — I have no idea! Because I have NOT had my way with her. That’s why I wrote this article for the Wall Street Journal — [ he holds up the newspaper ] “I Don’t Have Sex With Mary Cunningham!”

Phil Beekman: See, Mary? Your nightmare of tawdry publicity is over. Hey, Jim! Come on out here. [ Executive enters ] This is Jim Deekman, our VP of Sales. Jim, do you sleep with Cunningham?

Jim: No.

Phil Beekman: Attaboy! Well, Mary, I think this will seal your reputation!

Mary Cunningham: Yeah, I’m sure it will…

Phil Beekman: Manuel! Our favorite janitor here at Seagram’s! [ Manuel enters ] Tell us, honestly, have you gotten anything off of Mary?

Manuel: No! I have NEVER had Mary Cunningham as my passionate child-woman! The flower of my burning lust taken in rapture! No! No joke! Never! I think of her as another executive.

Phil Beekman: Thanks, Manuel! I’m sure we all do.

Manuel: I think she’s frigid…

Phil Beekman: Now, now, Manuel! Well, Mary, your professional reputation is restored. Who says we’re not sensitive? I mean, there’s enough male sensitivity right here to fill a whole week of “Donahue” shows, am I right? [ the men agree ] Alright! Now, if there’s anyone else out there who doesn’t sleep with Mary and wants to make a big announcement about it, send us a postcard! We’ll read it on the air. That address is:

[ SUPER ]

“No Sex With Mary
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, N.Y.”

Okay? Alright, Mary? [ he grabs her shoulder, but she rebuffs him ] Uh-oh, I’m sorry! Okay, no touching! Alright.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: It Just Doesn’t Matter



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12






80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

It Just Doesn’t Matter

… Bill Murray
… cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[Host Bill Murray, wearing jeans and a “Black ForestLanes” bowling shirt, sits quietly in his dressingroom, picking his nose. There’s a knock at thedoor.]

Bill Murray: Come in.

Gilbert Gottfried: [opens door] Uh, Bill, areyou busy?

Bill Murray: No.

Gilbert Gottfried: Oh.

[Gilbert enters and all the other cast members file inbehind him and take seats in the room. Bill rises togreet them.]

Denny Dillon: Hi, Bill.

Bill Murray: Come on in. Sit down, youknow.

[Bill sits on the dressing room sofa, surrounded bythe cast who sit all around him, glum and depressed.Long pause as Bill looks them over.]

Bill Murray: So, how’s it been goin’?

Eddie Murphy: Well, it ain’t exactly so easy,Bill. Everybody keeps comparing us to the oldcast.

Ann Risley: And the press hasn’t been overlykind.

Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: “SaturdayNight Live is Saturday Night Dead.”

Cast: [groans, winces, looks uncomfortable] Oh,come on.

Bill Murray: “From Yuks to Yecch.” [cast groansand wretches as if in pain] My favorite, though, is”Vile from New York.”

Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.

Bill Murray: [genuinely amused] It’s funny.It’s funny. [more sympathetic] But, uh, don’t letthat, uh, bother you, you know. It takes a long timeto get started. I mean, a whole new cast, all newwriters.

Cast: Yeah. Right.

Bill Murray: What do you expect, you know? Theratings are still fine, you know. Even if your ratingswent up higher than the old show, you know…

Cast: Yeah?

Bill Murray: … people would still say the oldshow was better, you know?

Cast: [nodding] Uh huh. That’s true, that’strue.

Bill Murray: Maybe it was. … But,uh…

Charles Rocket: [as the cast protests mildly]Come on, Bill.

Bill Murray: It doesn’t matter! I’m justsaying, you know– So what? What if the show getscanceled and you guys never get to do movies oranything like that?

Cast: Come on! Geez!

Denny Dillon: Don’t say that!

Bill Murray: You guys are good. I mean, youknow, Charlie, you’re very funny. I love those RocketReports.

Charles Rocket: You really mean that,Bill?

Bill Murray: [more in sorrow than in anger]People are tellin’ me you’re imitatin’ me, Charlie,though. I don’t like to hear that. … And, uh, watchyour mouth. Clean it up. … Okay? [Charles nods, Billturns to Gilbert] Who are you? What’s yourname?

Gilbert Gottfried: Uh, I – I’m Gilbert.

Bill Murray: Gilbert. Gilbert, cheer up for me,will ya, pal? [pats Gilbert’s shoulder and headsupportively] Huh? Come on. You’re a very lucky humanbeing. You’re very lucky, you know? Nobody walks up toyou on the street and says, “I hated 1941!” –do they? Well, all right. [to Denny] And, you — youlook very good when you comb your hair. It’s nice.Well, you do.

Denny Dillon: Bill, it’s supposed to be likethis!

Bill Murray: [nods, turns to Ann and Gail] Youknow, and, uh, you girls are terrific looking, you’regreat. You know, I still mix you up, I – I can’t tellyou apart, but it’s great, you know. It’s like, “Oh,it’s that other girl who’s very attractive” and soforth.

Ann Risley: [nods] Oh, yeah.

Bill Murray: And, uh, you know, Joe Piscopo,you’re great. [someone in the crowd agrees] You know,the whole sports thing. The monosyllabic hollering andstuff.

Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Bill.

Bill Murray: It’s inspired, you know, but, uh,are you – are you gonna definitely stick with “JoePiscopo” as your name?

Joe Piscopo: Uh … Well, I was born with it,Bill. You know, it’s my name.

Bill Murray: Wow. [beat] Well, whatever. …And, uh, you, Eddie. You’re black. … [Eddie juststares at him] And, uh, that’s beautiful, man. That’sbeautiful. You can do whatever you want. Matt and Pat,Yvonne, those guys are great. Look. Look. You guysneed help.

Charles Rocket: Yeah.

Bill Murray: You need a lot of help, really.But, hey — I saved the old cast, I can do it foryou. You know. … What do you think they werelike before I got here, man? Aykroyd — Dan Aykroydwas weak. I taught him a lot, man.

Cast: Really? Oh, really?

Bill Murray: Belushi was a shadow. Jane Curtinhad a serious drinking problem before I–

Charles Rocket: Not Jane!

Denny Dillon: That’s amazing. That’s reallyamazing.

Bill Murray: The important thing now is to be”up.” You know, you gotta be “up.” ‘Cuz if you’re not”up,” I don’t look good tonight. You know? You know,the press, they can be terrible to you. [rises] But itdoesn’t matter, you know?

Cast: Yeah.

Bill Murray: The ratings deal? It just doesn’tmatter.

Cast: Yeah. Right.

All: It just doesn’t matter.

Bill Murray: Right!

All: It just doesn’t matter!

Bill Murray: That’s right! Confidence! Sure, Ihaven’t done this show in a year. Sure, I could go outthere and make a fool of myself. [cast protests, says,”No, no, no.”] Sure, I could completely bloweverything. I could completely blow everything…

Charles Rocket: I suppose.

Bill Murray: … and humiliate myself in frontof millions of people on TV.

Cast: Probably, yeah.

Bill Murray: [beat, swallows nervously] It’s avery real possibility. … [pause] I think I’m gonnabe sick. [staggers over to make-up table]

Cast: [rising, in concern] Oh, Bill.

Denny Dillon: Bill, are you okay? Bill, are youokay?

Bill Murray: No, I think I’m gonna be sick.Maybe a drink’ll help– [grabs a bottle of liquor offthe table, the cast gathers around him]

Gilbert Gottfried: Bill, take it easy. You’llbe okay.

Denny Dillon: This guy’s a basket case.

Joe Piscopo: Hey, look, look, we carried ElliotGould, we could carry Bill Murray. Noproblem-o.

[Bill takes a swig of liquor straight from the bottle.The cast pleads and protests.]

Joe Piscopo: It’s like he said, “It justdoesn’t matter!”

Gail Matthius: Hey, hey, Bill. It reallydoesn’t matter. Here, we’re gonna take care of ya,huh? It doesn’t matter!

[Quickly, the other cast members start repeating, “Itjust doesn’t matter!” with increasing energy andintensity until Bill joins in and they are allchanting loudly and hopping up and down in a hugegroup hug, like some kind of insane pep rallycheer.]

All:
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!

Bill Murray: Let’s go get ’em!

[They all turn, waving clenched fists and pointingfingers, and yell enthusiastically into thecamera:]

All: Live, from New York, it’s SaturdayNight!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Bill Murray’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12








80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Bill Murray’s Monologue

…Bill Murray
…Eddie Murphy

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and Gentlemen — Bill Murray!

[Huge cheers and applause as Bill appears at home base via the elevator. He exits out of it and struts to the edge of the stage and does a kick jump and a dance to finish it off as the music ends.]

Bill Murray: [pointing to the band] How about that band?! Come on! Come on! More!

[After Bill gestures them, the band starts to play the theme music again as Bill jumps up and down while walking to the other side of the stage and hugs a support pole and jumps down below to the audience. He picks up a female audience member, drapes her over his head, and sets her back down on her chair. He jumps back onto the stage and continues dancing when Eddie Murphy shows up and cues the band to stop playing.]

Eddie Murphy: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What the hell is…

Bill Murray: Eddie Murphy! Let’s here it for him! [stamps his feet on the stage as Eddie briefly smiles to the audience]

Eddie Murphy: What the hell are you doing? You’re supposed to be doing your monologue out here. You almost dropped this woman on her head, Bill!

Bill Murray: Well, I guess I got a little excited, huh? Well, what are you doing out here? Asking me what I’m doing, anyway?

Eddie Murphy: Well, you’re suppposed to be doing your monologue. This ain’t a band number. Do your thing!

Bill Murray: Oh, come on, Eddie. You know what we talked about. It’s just doesn’t matter, you know. I could go out here and say “Gee, these kids are great, golly! They got so much energy, and I don’t even know what’s gonna happen next!” Eddie, it just doesn’t matter. The important thing is that we’re working together.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah.

Bill Murray: Yeah, and that we’re BAD!

Eddie Murphy: Yeah.

Bill Murray: You’re bad!

Eddie Murphy: I’m bad.

Bill Murray: I’M bad!

Eddie Murphy: We’re both bad.

Bill Murray: I mean, that previous Black-White act, you know — or, should I say, that Pryor act — you know, they thought they were bad, or Wild or Wilder, if you will. They’re not as widl or bad as the Murray-Murphy combo! ‘Cause we’re BAD!

Eddie Murphy: Right, we bad!

Bill Murray: That’s right! In fact, we’re BADDER!

Eddie Murphy: Right! You mean we MORE bad!

Bill Murray: We’re MORE bad! We are the WORST, my man! Give me five, come on!

[ Eddie low-fives Bill ]

Eddie Murphy: We’re TERRIBLE! Give me fifteen!

[ Eddie low-fives both hands and raises one foot ]

Bill Murray: We are NAUSEATING! Now, give me some of that long sole, my man!

[ Bill turns around, raises one foot and holds out his hand, which Eddie high-fives downward to Bill’s foot ]

Bill Murray: Come on! Gvie me the PINK side now! [ Bill holds out his hand ]

Eddie Murphy: We gonna have to work on that one!

Bill Murray: And we’re both Irish, too! That’s so great!

Eddie Murphy: Yeah.

Bill Murray: Yeah, Murray and Murphy, the Irish duo. An Irish Jig, let’s do it man. [Bill does a dance move]

Eddie Murphy: [rather offended and pointing at Bill] Now, that’s bad AND dangerous, so watch yourself.

Bill Murray: Come on, man, I’m only kidding. We’re a team. We’re just like salt and pepper. [slaps hands with Eddie]

Eddie Murphy: Pepper and salt!

Bill Murray: Come on! Paprika and cinnamon!

Eddie Murphy: Hartman, Oprah!

Bill Murray: Yeah, Belushi and Aykroyd. [slaps hands again]

Eddie Murphy: That’s bad!

Bill Murray: That’s bad! We’ll be right back, man!

Eddie Murphy: Yeah!

[Cheers and applause as Bill and Eddie continue to give each other high fives including a jumping one as the screen fades.]

Submitted by Kyleman88

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Saturday Night Newsline




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12












80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Saturday Night Newsline

Dr. Jonathan Lear…..Mark King

[ open on Dr. Jonathan Lear seated at news desk ]

Dr. Jonathan Lear: I’m Dr. Jonathan Lear. This is “Saturday Night Live: Newsline”, Science Break. Tonight: DNA.

As most of us know, DNA is the basic building block of life. Also, DNA is the master molecule of life. It’s really great! We have been able to obtain actual photographs of DNA molecules, so let’s take a look at some of them.

[ he holds up a drawing of DNA ]

In its simplest form, DNA looks like a double helix.

[ he swaps out DNA cards ]

Here’s a photo of DNA molecules sitting up straight.

[ he swaps out DNA cards ]

Here’s some FAT DNA!

[ he swaps out DNA cards ]

Here’s some DNA hiding in spaghetti.

[ he swaps out DNA cards ]

Here’s DNA sitting on a picket fence.

[ he swaps out DNA cards ]

DNA following a fish.

[ he swaps out DNA cards ]

Have a nice day, DNA!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Saturday Night Newsline II




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12








80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Saturday Night Newsline II

…..Bill Murray

[ open on Bill Murray seated at news desk ]

Bill Murray: Hello. I’m Bill Murray for “Newsline”, Arts & Leisure. It’s that time of year again, time for everyone’s annual Oscar predictions.

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Bill Murray holds up his Oscar board list ]

I think you heard it here first… that in the categories of Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress, nobody gives a DAMN! [ he pulls the nominees of these actors from the board ] Let’s get these people off of here as quickly as possible, and get them out of here!

In the Best Actress category, there can only be ONE winner — and that is Mary Tyler Moore. [ he wipes the other nominees from the board ] And for one reason: Because Carol Burnett isn’t nominated.

In the Best Actor category, there can only be one winner — and that is Jack Lemmon, because Jack Lemmon is still alive.

And in the Best Picture category, there can ONLY be one winner, and that is “Tess”, because Hollywood hasn’t had a good party since Roman Polanski left.

[ he removes the winners from the board ]

But these awards are meaningless to you and me because, well… we’re not judging them, people. I think it’s time for some new awards, and I’m about to give them.

In the category of Best Supporting Actress: For her work in “Wholly Moses”, the winner is… Laraine Newman.

[ the audience applauds ]

In the category of Best Supporting Actor: For his fantastic work with Benji in “Oh! Heavenly Dog”… Mr. Chevy Chase.

[ the audience applauds ]

A first for this award — a tie in the Best Actress category: For her work in “How to Beat the High Cost of Living”… Ms. Jane Curtin; and for a DOUBLE nomination for “Gilda Live” and “The First Family”… Ms. Gilda Radner.

[ the audience applauds ]

And what’s gota be a second in the history of this category — uh, uh, a second tie in the Best Actor category: For their work as Jake and Elwood Blues… Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi.

[ the audience applauds ]

For the Best Picture, there, of course, is only one winner. And that is… “Caddyshack”. Because it was written by my brother, Brian Doyle-Murray, and Doug and Harold.

[ the audience applauds ]

Uh — finally, most important award of all: The Irving Thalberg Memorial Award for humanitarian, decency, and just all around good guyness… given to Garrett Morris, for his work with the Guardian Angels here in New York City.

[ the audience applauds ]

Those are my awards. Let’s see what happens!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Deborah Harry: 02/14/81: Where’s Cooter?


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10










80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Where’s Cooter?

Sister…..Ann Risley
Father…..Charles Rocket
Mama…..Denny Dillon
Cooter…..Gilbert Gottfried
Raylene…..Gail Matthius
Agent…..Matthew Laurance
Audience Members…..Andy Murphy, Yvonne Hudson

[ open on Sister seated on a rustic front porch, as Father exits from the screen door sipping from a can of beer ]

Sister: Wherrre’s Cooter?

[ Father sits on the wooden steps next to Mama ]

Father: Where the hell is Cooter, anyhow?

Mama: [ peeling a potato ] Cooter? I ain’t seen him for about an hour!

Father: He’s bin gone an hour?

Mama: Cooter?

Father: Cooter! He bin gone an hour? Well, he shoulda bin back about a half-hour ago!

Mama: Well, then, he’s a half-hour late!

Father: Well, what time did he leave?

Mama: [ thinking ] Well, now… what time is it now?

Father: [ glancing upward ] Well, I reckon by figurin’ from the sun, it oughta be about four o’clock in the afternoon!

Mama: Four already. Shoot! Cooter, he went at THREE!

Father: Then he’s bin gone about an HOUR!

[ Mama nods her head ]

Sister: Wherrrre’s Cooter?

Father: That’s what we bin tryin’ to find OUT!

Mama: He said… he was goin’! [ to Father ] ‘Sides, he’s your son.

Father: Well, SHOOT! You married ‘im! ‘Sides, he’s your brother!

Mama: [ confused ] I thought he was YOUR brother?!

Father: Well, who can keep track any more? Anyway, if he’s bin gone an hour, that’s an awful long time for him to be gone so long!

[ suddenly, Cooter creeps slowly up the path beside the porch ]

Father: Well, here he is now, and none too soon! Where the hell you BIN, boy?!

[ Cooter sips on a tree stump ]

Cooter: Nothin’. I ain’t bin doin’ nothin’.

Mama: Where you bin, Cooter?!

Cooter: Nothin’. I ain’t bin doin’ nothin’.

Sister: Wherrrrre’s Cooter?

Mama: He’s back! He’s back now, Sis!

Father: Yeah, he’s BACK… but he ain’t BIN nowhere, and he ain’t bin doin’ NOTHIN’!

Cooter: Well, STOP accusin’ me, ’cause… I ain’t bin nowhere, and I ain’t bin doin’ nothin’!

Father: Son, that’s what I bin accusin’ you of, is doin’ NOTHIN’! But I know what you SHOULD be doin’! You SHOULD be around back workin’ on that DODGE, instead of hoverin’ around here doin’ NOTHIN’!

Mama: Yeeeah! You should be hoverin’ around that DIESEL!

Father: Ya oughtta be back there workin’ on that DODGE!

Cooter: Yeah, well, I oughtta be around the back, workin’ on that Dodge!

Father: [ shaking his head ] Well, that’s a good i-dea! Cooter, why don’t ya’ just go out on BACK there?!

Cooter: I got a good mind to go back there, and work on that Dodge! I just may do that! I may leave the three of you here, and go around the back and work on that Dodge.

Father: Well, I’ll tell you one thing, Boy: You just better DON’T!

Cooter: Well, I ain’t goin’ to!

Mama: Well, that car’s just sittin’ there, WAITIN’ to be MASHED!

[ suddenly, Raylene runs into the yard, slapping the porch with a flyswatter ]

Raylene: Mama?! Mama?!

Father: Herrre’s Raylene.

Raylene: Mama?! On the road! Dust! A stranger’s comin’! Mama?!

[ Raylene runs up the porch and slap the door with her flyswatter ]

Mama: Ohhh, she’s up to that slappin’ thing again!

[ Raylene crashes at Mama’s side ]

Raylene: I’m tired, Mama! I’m tired of slappin’!

Father: Then, why don’t you just QUIT your damn slappin’, girl?!

[ Raylene bunches her dress around her arm and makes a crying sound emit from it ]

Mama: [ to Father ] Now, see what you done? You made the BABY cry!

Father: Well, I shoulda figured!

Raylene: Mama?! My baby’s cryin’! Mmmmama! [ she continues crying into her arm ]

Mama: Now, that’s alright, little thing, it’s gonna be alright! The baby’s gonna be alright!

Raylene: Mama?! Now they’re BOTH cryin’!

[ Raylene begins crying into both of her arms ]

Mama: Ohhh, now it’s just gonna be alright. The babies are gonna be alright, Raylene!

Sister: Babies… bugs… build me a coffin! [ she leans back in her chair ] Wherrrrre’s Cooter?

Father: Well, he ain’t around back workin’ on that DODGE!! [ he kicks Cooter on the side ]

Cooter: Well… stop accusin’ me. I ain’t doin’ NOTHIN’!

[ suddenly, a literary agent enters the yard ]

Agent: Uh — excuse me, folks! I’ve got some good news for you! I’m from the Tennessee Williams Authority — you’ve just qualified to be a one-act play!

[ the family stares at him dumbfoundedly ]

Agent: THOUSANDS of people all over the WORLD are gonna see you! And the author himself has asked me to invite you for cocktails at breakfast, at his studio in New York! Well? Waht do you say? Huh? Yes or no?

Father: Welllll, uhh… I guess it…

Mama: Well, now, I don’t see no harm

Agent: Well, that means YES, then! Yes, it is! [ he calls out to a crowd behind him ] Come on in! Come on in, that’s it!

[ an audience wanders into the yard and places down their folding chairs ]

Agent: [ as he passes out playbills ] That’s it! Now — there’ll be no smoking in the first two rows, and, uh, there’ll be a brief intermission, and sangria and coffee will be served after the show! Okay? Please enjoy the show!

[ the agent exits the yard, as the family stares into space before picking up where they left off ]

Mama: Cooter? Cooter! Why don’t you go somewhere and kill an hour?

Father: Ohhh, yes sir, why don’t you just go on around back there and fix up that DODGE! [ he kicks Cooter in the hind quarters ]

Cooter: I might do that. I might go around the back.

Sister: Where’s Cooter?

[ Raylene cries into her shoulder, as the audience applauds this first act ] [ camera pulls back, with SUPER: “Coming Up: Braille Peep Show” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Charlene Tilton: 02/21/81: Charlene Tilton’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11



80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Charlene Tilton’s Monologue

…..Charlene Tilton

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charlene Tilton!

Charlene Tilton: Alright! Hello! I LOVE it! I love you! I can’t tell y’all — it is SO great to be here! It is so refreshing to get away from the crime, the corruption and the sex I have to face each week on “Dallas”. I mean, I gotta tell ya’! If you want to get away from crime, sex and corruption, where else should you go except New York? [ the crowd cheers ] Speaking of sex, though — I mean, you wouldn’t beleive how many people here at this show have tried to take advantage of me. [ male audience member “whoo”s ] Hey, can you blame them! [ she laughs ] But, no, really, honestly — the only one I trust at this show is Charlie Rocket. The only one! He is the only one at this show who has NOT tried to take advantage of me, and he’s the ONLY one who’s really not a lecher! Um — and I really gotta take this opportunity to thank him for helping me and coaching me, and I really do appreciate it, Charlie. Uh, also, there is one other thing I’ve always wanted to say, ever since I was about, uh, [ sge holds her arm up ] this high! [ she laughs ] And that is, uh: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” No, I’m just kidding! I’m just kidding! Charlei gave me permission to say that, so he said it’s okay. So, uh, anyway — we’ll be right back, okay?

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