Category: 1980

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
April 11th, 1981

None

Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

Chevy Chase

Al Franken

Christopher Reeve

Robin Williams
SNL Storage RoomSummary: Chevy Chase finds Mr. Bill in storage, and the two reminisce about SNL’s old days until he accidentally falls and crushes the clay man.

Transcript

MontageNote: After going on hiatus for a few weeks, SNL returned with a late-season face lift, courtesy of its new producer, Dick Ebersol, who ordered a revamped opening montage that features the theme song from SNL’s first five seasons.

Note: Dick Ebersol wanted to hire John Candy and Catherine O’Hara away from “SCTV”, but Candy wasn’t interested and O’Hara, who had accepted at first, turned the offer down upon witnessing Michael O’Donoghue’s rant over the sixth season’s poor writing. In Candy and O’Hara’s place, “SCTV” co-stars Robin Duke and Tony Rosato crossed over to SNL instead.

Note: An actress named Emily Prager is credited as a featured player, yet she doesn’t appear in this episode and isn’t brought back for the following season. She was to have appeared in a commentary during “Weekend Update”, which was cut from the live broadcast, making her the only credited cast member to never appear on SNL.

Frank SinatraSummary: Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo) bashes Japan and promotes the purchase of American cars.

Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra.

Transcript

Lite BeerSummary: Bill Cosby (Eddie Murphy) promotes Lite Beer to kids in a bar.

Recurring Characters: Bill Cosby.

I Married A MonkeySummary: Tim (Tim Kazurinsky) accuses his monkey wife, Madge, of having an affair.

Recurring Characters: Tim.

Transcript

Jr. Walker & The All Stars perform “Road Runner” and “Shotgun”

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Film critic Raheem Abdul Muhammed (Eddie Murphy) confuses “Altered States” with “Stir Crazy.” Laurie Metcalf asks people on the street if they would take a bullet for the president. Al Franken makes disparaging comments about SNL’s disastrous sixth season, and suggests that the show should be put to sleep.

Recurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Mohammed.

Transcript

SameSummary: Irene Cara (Gail Matthius) sings a parody about her similar-sounding musical selections.

Transcript

The Self-RighteousSummary: NBC’s newest series focuses on a group of holier-than-thou characters.

Transcript

Frank’s Wedding DaySummary: Italian Papa (Tony Rosato) gives his son, Frank (Tim Kazurinsky), advice about love and women on his wedding day.

Recurring Characters: Frank, Papa.

The Famous Broadcasters School Of Cue Card ReadingSummary: Spokesman (Joe Piscopo) advertises a school that help broadcasters to poorly read lines off of cue cards.

Transcript

SNL is ImprovingSummary: Chevy Chase insists that SNL is improving tonight, but Christopher Reeve and Robin Williams disagree.

Transcript

Jr. Walker & The All Stars perform “How Sweet It Is” and “What Does It Take”

Wild Country Gun CardsSummary: The firearms facts on the Wild Country Gun Cards bring a family together.

Bag LadySummary: Voiceover’s critique the actions of a bad lady (Denny Dillon) in a pre-filmed piece.

Note: Dick Ebersol suckered Neil Levy into taking credit for this film.

GoodnightsSummary: Irene Cara (Gail Matthius) performs a reprise of “Same” as the credits roll.

Transcript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12

80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

The Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading

Spokesman…..Joe Piscopo
Cue Card Boy…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ open on close=up of Spokesman’s face ]

Spokesman: Are you thinking about a career in television? In the exciting world of TV, it’s important to be prepared and look your sharpest whenever on camera! That’s why the FIRST step to a successful career in broadcasting is the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading!

[ pull out to reveal the school’s sign on back wall ]

Spokesman: [ frequently glancing off-camera as he makes his pitch ] It’s a real art reading cue cards without letting the viewers at home know you’re doing it! I know it’s hard to believe… but I’m reading a cue card RIGHT NOW! That’s because I studied at the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading! It’ll appear you’re looking STRAIGHT into the camera when you say things like “Hello!” and “Welcome to our show!” If you join now, you’ll receive a 10% discount to our affiliate: the Cable TV School of Camera Switching! Yeeeeeesss, the Cable TV SChool of Camera Switching! You’ll know what camera to look into —

[ he turns his head to glance at the camera currently on him, then the control room switches to the camera angle he was facing before ]

Spokesman: — and when!

[ he turns back to the appropriate camera, as the control room switches back to the other camera angle ]

Spokesman: Looks easy, doesn’t it? [ he keeps adjusting his head to find the correct camera ] That’s the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading! Plus a 10% discount to the Cable TV School of Camera Switching! Join now! Here’s how!

[ cut to close-up of cue card with school address ]

Cue Card Boy: Send your name and address to:

“The Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading
Post Office Box 100
New York, New York
9-double 9-99!”

[ as the camera pulls back to reveal the cue card boy, he keeps looking between the camera and his own cue card ]

[ the camera pullback also reveals the Spokesman standing off to the side, and the camera angle remains static ]

Spokesman: Not affiliated with the Columbia Broadcast System!

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12

80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

Goodnights

…..Tim Kazurinsky
…..Chevy Chase
Irene Cara…..Gail Matthius

[ return from commercial with cast and guests surrounding Home Base; in the front, Chevy Chase kneels next to the monkey and offers a kiss ]

Tim Kazurinsky: Thanks, evrybody, we had a very nice time!

Chevy Chase: [ looking up from the monkey’s lips ] Good night!

[ “Same” begins playing again, as Irene Cara and her back-up dancers come down the spiral staircase at the rear of the stage ]

[ Irene jumps into Chevy Chase’s arms ]

Irene Cara: [ singing ]
“Baby, look at me
The girl who’s on TV
Sing the same song every time
Now you must know every rhyme by heart!”

Gail Matthius: [ breaking character ] You gotta put me down now, Chevy!

[ Chevy Chase puts Gail down, as the end credits begin to scroll ]

[ Irene Cara and her back-up dancers lead the cast through the audience ]

Irene Cara: [ singing ]
“– Captain Kangaroo
But you’re in good company
If you’re bored, just think of me!

I’m always the sa-ame!
(Same!)
I sing the same some forever!
Just like some sci-fi film!
(Same!)”

[ a break in the performance, as the back-up dancers carry Irene through the studio ]

Irene Cara: [ singing ]
At the Golden Globes
They ran short on stuff
Oh no, that was really nice
‘Cause they made me sing it twice in a row!”[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12

80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

SNL is Improving

…..Chevy Chase
…..Christopher Reeve
…..Robin Williams

(Open on Robin Williams, Chevy Chase, and Christopher Reeve standing together on home base. Chevy admiringly has his arms around the two other men)

Chevy Chase: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a few extra seconds here and I just want to say a few words about–

(Chevy gets interupted by cheers and applause as he smiles and takes a bow while Robin makes a comedic gesture with his arm)

Chevy Chase: I just want to say for a few seconds about “Saturday Night Live”. Uh, it’s had its ups and downs. It’s had some great hosts. Uh, it’s uh…well, it’s on its way back up again and I know that some of my good friends are gonna back me up with that and I thank them for being with me tonight. Thank you for backing me and thanks for being with me.

(Robin and Christopher look at Chevy disapprovingly)

Christopher Reeve: [shaking his head] No, no.

Robin Williams: Uh, thanks. (They both walk off the stage)

Chevy Chase: Please? (points at the camera) I have friends. I have friends that will back me. Okay, how about Jr. Walker. Won eight gold records. You want to hear him? (Cheers and applause) All right. Okay.

Submitted by: Kyleman88

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12

80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

I Married a Monkey

Tim…..Tim Kazurinsky
Mike…..Tony Rosato

[ open on Mike and Tim eating dinner at the table ]

Mike: Oh — I’ve had enough, I’m stuffed! That was the BEST scrambled eggs I’ve ever had, Tim. That was good.

Tim: The secret is to throw in a little minced onion.

Mike: Yeah? Well, I wish Louise could cook eggs like this, I’ll tell ya’.

Tim: By the way, how is Louise?

[ soap opera music flourishes ]

Mike: Louise? She’s, uh — she’s fine. Why? I just took her to a movie last night. We went to see “Cannibal Women”. Have you seen that? Real boring.

Tim: What about your dance committee?

[ soap opera music flourishes ]

Mike: What about the dance committee?

Tim: Madge told me she had to help Louise last night with some dance committee problems.

Mike: No, no. There’s no problem with the dance committee.

Tim: Madge said she had to go over to your HOUSE, to help Louise with some problems with the DANCE committee!

Mike: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah… the dance committee. Look, uh — I’ll tell you, uh — I went to bed early, so she must have come in after I went to bed, Tim…

Tim: [ standing ] DAMMIT, Mike! [ music sting ] Don’t cover for her! Don’t you start lying to me, too, okay?! You expect your best friend to tell you the truth!

Mike: Look, Tim. I mean, how was I supposed to —

Tim: Shh!

[ the music flourishes as Madge, a monkey, enters the kitchen and climbs on the table ]

Mike: Morning, Madge. You’re looking, uh — you’re looking well. I was just telling Tim you were — Louise and I are joining a health club next week. Maybe you’d like to join us, or… maybe you wouldn’t.

[ Tim kisses Madge on the cheek ]

Mike: Well, look, Tim, I gotta get running, okay? I can’t hang around. Madge, it was nice seeing you again, take care. Uh, I gotta run. I’ll see you later.

[ Mike exits the house, as Madge pells a banana and drops the peel on the floor ]

Tim: Weren’t you the least bit surprised to see Mike Short here this morning? [ music sting ] No? Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?

[ Madge ignores Tim and peels another banana ]

Tim: Why is it, that whenever I confront you with ANYTHING like this, you say nothing? Look, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to control your life, I… I just want to know what you were doing until four in the morning. That’s right, I was awake when you came in last night. I heard you stumbling around downstairs. You, of all people, stumbling. Were you drunk? Were you high on some sort of drug?

[ Madge grabs the lid of a sugar bowl and begins to sniff it ]

Tim: Madge — [ cracking up ] Madge, don’t you see what I’m trying to DO here?! I’m trying to save our MARRIAGE! I’m trying to save our FAMILY!

[ suddenly, crying is heard offscreen ]

[ soap opera music flourishes ]

Tim: Maggie’s awake.

[ Tim exits the kitchen ]

[ he re-enters with a baby monkey who’s desperately trying to hold onto the stagehand behind the setpiece, to the point of yanking both of them back behind the setpiece ]

[ Tim returns to the table alone, as the baby monkey screeches off-camera ]

[ cut back to catch the stagehand pushing the baby monkey back onto the set ]

[ Tim picks up the baby monkey, as the audience erupts into thunderous applause ]

Tim: Now you’re trying to turn our child against me! [ he puts the baby monkey on the floor, then turns to Madge ] Look at you! Look at the bags under your eyes! Madge, when is this nightmare going to end? And what about your mother? If this marriage were to break up, it would kill her. It’s the same thing… every morning, you’re too tired because you’ve been out half the night. What have you been telling her?

[ the phone rings ]

Tim: Of course, I’ll have to get it, right?

[ Tim answers the phone to a monkey screeching on the line ]

Tim: Hello? Hello? Who is this? Hello? Hello!

[ the monkey on the line hangs up ]

[ Madge purses her lips ]

Tim: He hung up! Madge, he hung up! Who was that man?! [ dramatic soap opera music soars ] Madge! I… can’t take this any more! [ crying ] Who was that man?! Is there somebody else?

Announcer: Tune in next week, for the continuing saga… “I Married a Monkey”.

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  Season 6: Episode 12

80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

SNL Storage Room

…..Chevy Chase
…..Denny Dillon

[ open on exterior, Studio 8-H, as Chevy Chase enters the hallway to thunderous audience applause ]

[ Chevy approaches a Storeroom closet, looks around, then opens the door ]

[ as he does, Denny Dillon suddenly exits ]

Chevy Chase: What, uh — what happened to my dressing room?

Denny Dillon: Well, uh, Chevy, you see… NBC had to tighten their belts a little — you know, cut back on budget — so we all dress in there now.

Chevy Chase: Oh, yeah?

Denny Dillon: Turn off the light when you leave, okay?

Chevy Chase: Okay.

[ Denny walks away, the elongated feather in her hat tickling its way across Chevy’s nose, prompting him to sneeze into his hand helplessly ]

[ Chevy enters the storeroom to find 70’s-era SNL props and costumes ]

Chevy Chase: Oh, wow… [ he touches various props ] Coneheads… [ he spots his Land Shark head, covered in cobwebs ] Ah! [ he sticks his hand through the head and mumbles ] “Mrs….?”

[ suddenly, the sound of Mr. Bill mumbling in a trash heap can be heard, so Chevy digs him out of the pile of cobwebbed beer cans ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, boy! Chevy! Thanks a lot for taking me out of there! I didn’t think anyone would EVER find me!

Chevy Chase: Oh, Mr. Bill… what — what happened to you?

Mr. Bill: Oh, well, gee! We had a big party at the end of last season, and, oh, I guess I drank too much and I must have passed out!

Chevy Chase: Oh…

Mr. Bill: And when I came to, I was trapped in here and couldn’t get out!

Chevy Chase: Oh, you poor little fellow! Well, gee, everybody’s been wondering what the heck you’ve been doing!

Mr. Bill: That’s right! I was supposed to do a whole lot of important things before I got trapped in here. Boy, I bet Benjy is real mad at me — I was supposed to co-star with him in a movie! I sure hope they got a decent replacement.

Chevy Chase: [ stung ] Uh — it’s a SILLY idea anyway, Mr. Bill! [ he peels Mr. Bill’s nose off and tosses it over his shoulder ] I’m sure it wasn’t important

Mr. Bill: So, uh, Chevy, uh — am I late for the new season?

Chevy Chase: Well… yeah, you’re a little late, but they all are! [ he grabs Mr. Bill ] Gee, Mr. Bill…

Mr. Bill: Be careful.

Chevy Chase: I get this feeling they just don’t have the time for old-timers like us any more. The fans just don’t care that much.

Mr. Bill: Oh, now come on, Chevy! Don’t feel that way. Hey, look — we can make a comeback, huh? Hey, you know, they were even talking to me about anchoring “Weekend Update”! Say! Maybe you can do those funny faces behind me like you used to, huh? Hey, that’d be funny!

Chevy Chase: [ poking Mr. Bill roughly in the belly ] That’s a FUNNY idea! Ha ha ha ha! [ he tweaks Mr. Bill’s face viciously ]

Mr. Bill: Hey, wait! Hey, hey! Watch that! Hey, Chevy, come on!

Chevy Chase: I’ll tell you something, Mr. Bill — I don’t think they really care about slapstick any more. Hey, by the way — [ he begins to hammer Mr. Bill against his palm, the clay man’s head flying ]

Mr. Bill: Hey! Hey, wait! Hey, uh… Chevy… I’m down on the floor. Could you help me?

Chevy Chase: [ looking around ] Oh. Sorry, Mr. Bill. [ he picks up his clay head ] I almost lost you for a second!

Mr. Bill: Listen, Chevy, um — um —

Chevy Chase: You must be exhausted.

[ Chevy attempts to put Mr. Bill’s nose back, dislodging his head in the process ]

Mr. Bill: Listen, have you seen my dog, Spot, lately? I sent him for help last year!

Chevy Chase: Spot? I — I’ll look around.

[ Chevy takes a step back, as we hear a muffled dog bark ]

Chevy Chase: Whoa-oh!

Mr. Bill: Hey, what?! What was that Spot?

Chevy Chase: I don’t know. I stepped on something?

[ Chevy turns his shoe over to reveal a flattened Spot ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, noooo!!

Chevy Chase: Oh!

Mr. Bill: Hey, Chevy! You ought to be more careful where you step!

Chevy Chase: [ hopping around ] I — I can get him off! Don’t you worry about a thing.

[ Chevy grabs the Samurai sword to scrape Spot off his shoe ]

Mr. Bill: Hey, you watch that sword, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: I’ll just get him off, don’t worry.

Mr. Bill: No, no, watch out! Leave him alone!

Chevy Chase: [ losing his balance ] Tell you what, you relax here —

Mr. Bill: Hey, watch out, be careful!

Chevy Chase: I’m not gonna step on him again!

[ Chevy grabs a clothes rack and topples over backwards ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, nooooo!!! Ohhhhh!!!

[ crumpled amidst all the props, Chevy glances at the camera and shouts ]

Chevy Chase: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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  Season 6: Episode 12

80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

Same

Irene Cara…..Gail Matthius

[ open on male dancers on stage ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Miss Irene Cara!

[ Irene runs out and stands between the male dancers ]

Irene Cara: [ singing ]
“Baby, look at me
The girl who’s on TV
Sing the same song every time
Now you must know every rhyme by heart!

Grammys, Oscars, too
I do Captain Kangaroo
But you’re in good company
If you’re bored, think of me!

It’s always the sa-ame!
(Same!)
I sing the same some forever!
Next time, I may sing “Mame”!
(Mame!)
Suffer the least rejection
And not have to wear these pants!
(Pants!)
I keep getting yeast infections
This song has been always the same!
(Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same!)

At the Golden Globes
They ran short on stuff
Oh no, that was really nice
‘Cause they made me sing it twice in a row!

Diana Ross, for sure
Did not start out this way
All the kids at 21
Get to go out and have fun!

But me, it’s the same!
(Same!)
I sing this song forever
Just like some sci-fi film!
(Shoo!)
I play this lead on “Love Boat”
I play bits without malice!
(Same!)
I sing this song, the nation
Switches channels to “Dallas”
(Dallas!)
I wonder where all the fun went
Let me tell you, just goes redundant!
(Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant!)

Remember my name!
I wish I was Marie Osmond
I think I’m going to flip!
(Wow!)
I could now sing “Aida”
Get to wear clothes that unzip!
(Wow!)
I could not live forever
Constantly bearing the shame!
(Shame!)
Of being the only human
Who always sings exactly the same!

Exactly the same!
(Same!)”

[ Irene and her back-up dancers stop, with their arms in the air ]

[ after a moment, the music kicks up again, and Irene and her back-up dancers hop off the stage and shimmy down the outer hall of Studio 8-H ]

[ fade ]

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  Season 6: Episode 12

80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

The Self-Righteous

Announcer…..Michael O’Donoghue
Nurse…..Robin Duke
Police Officer…..Tony Rosato
Reporter…..Joe Piscopo
Doctor…..Tim Kazurinsky
Gunshot Victim…..Eddie Murphy

(Open on a still of a hospital where we see the superimposed text “Coming This Fall on NBC” in its coporate font with the NBC peacock logo on the bottom left corner of the screen. Jazzy, commanding music plays in the background)

Announcer V/O: They’re tough. They’re dedicated. They’re professionals who take their jobs seriously. They’re the self-righteous.

(Fade in on the hospital’s interior where we see the title card superimposed on the screen. The nurse at the front desk is seen talking on the phone. The title fades out as she hangs it up and a policeman walks in.)

Police Officer: Okay, look. I got to talk to that gunshot victim in there just for a few seconds, okay? I mean, it could help us get that killer off the streets.

Nurse: Well, forget it. That man in there is seriously injured. I’m a nurse and a damn good one and it’s my job to save lives, not play Cops and Robbers.

Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe if you cooperated, there’d be some more people out there that you wouldn’t have to patch up later. I’m a cop, damn it! It’s my job to protect them! (A reporter walks in holding a pencil and a note pad )

Reporter: Yeah, Daily Press. Iwas wondering if–

Police Officer: No comments on this case.

Reporter: Hey, I don’t know what you’re covering up in there, but those people out there have a right to know! I’m a reporter! It’s my duty to tell them! A doctor runs in)

Doctor: Hey, hey. This is a hospital. There are people dying in there. Now, I don’t know what’s going on out here, but I’m reponsible for their lives. So, shut up! (Takes off his surgical mask)

Nurse: [sarcastically] Oh-ho. Oh-ho! Well, maybe if you spent a little less time dealing with microbes and dealt with people like me, then maybe you’d understand them.

Doctor: Understanding people doesn’t save their lives.

Reporter: Hey, while you two are standing there talking, there are people in there dying and people out there waiting for the truth.

Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Why don’t you try walking a beat, huh? (The reporter scoffs as the gunshot victim walks in)

Gunshot Victim: Hey, wait a minute! Don’t I have a say here? After all, it’s my body! I’m a patient here. I’m a human being with human rights (turns to the doctor) and for one, I demand the right to die with dignity.

Doctor: You only have a flesh wound.

Gunshot Victim: And two, I have the right–

Doctor: Don’t bore us with that stuff. Listen–

Gunshot Victim: Hey, don’t point at me. My mother’s dead.

(Everyone starts arguing as the music starts playing again)

Announcer V/O: Five tediously self-absorbed people. The Self-Righteous. Coming this fall on NBC, proud as a peacock.

(Fade to a black background with the NBC peacock with the text NBC PROUD AS A PEACOCK below)

Submitted by: Kyleman88

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

Pillow Pets

Husband…..Gilbert Gottfried
Wife…..Ann Risley

[ open on married couple’s bedroom, night ]

Wife: I don’t understand it. I mean, we’ve talked about this before. I thought we had come to an agreement, and yet you still persist.

Husband: I thought he needed to get out.

Wife: FIVE times a day?! You need to take the dog out FIVE times a day?

Husband: When you have a dog, you have to take them for walks.

Wife: The, wha — well, you never pay that much attention to me.

Husband: Well… we walk. The dog doesn’t mind when you come along.

Wife: Well — it’s not just the walking. I mean, the whole thing! I mean, I look in the closet, and I see FIVE coats for the dog!

Husband: It’s Winter.

Wife: Wha — this is too much! I mean, this is just too mich! I mean, I wouldn’t mind it if it was a REAL dog! [ she picks up a pillow with a cat’s face stitched into it ] But, THIS!

Husband: That’s not the dog. That’s the cat.

Wife: Oh, okay! [ she grabs the dog pillow ] THIS one! The DOG, the CAT! What difference does it make?!

Husband: It makes a very big difference — I don’t like the cat. If you want the cat, you have the cat.

Wife: [ exasperated ] No, I don’t want the cat, I don’t want the dog!

Husband: Why’d you marry me for?

Wife: Well — it’s just that I thought any man who could show THAT much love for these would have a lot of love to give me.

Husband: Well, you were wrong. And don’t hold them so close– they start to fight.

Wife: Oh! That would bother you if they start to fight? Oh!

[ she makes the pillows fight with one another, as her husband screams in pain ]

Husband: I HATE IT WHEN THEY FIGHT!! STOP IT!!!

Wife: [ she throws the pillows down ] Alright, THAT’S it! I’m going to my mother’s!

[ she frantically packs an overnight bag from the closet ]

Husband: Does — does this mean you’re not coming back?

Wife: I don’t know.

Husband: Well, if you decide to come back… can you bring some dog food? [ he swats the cat ] Nothing for you.

Wife: Look — what am I supposed to tell my mother? That I lost you to soem stuffed thing?

Husband: Nnnno, that’s ridiculous. Tell her it was another woman.

Wife: Right. I can’t deal with this any more.

[ she exits the bedroom ]

Husband: [ he looks down at his two pillows ] I lied. I love it when you two fight!

[ he makes the pillows attack one another and climbs on top of them across the bed ]

[ fade ]

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  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

A Message from the President of the United States

President Ronald Reagan…..Charles Rocket
Nancy Reagan…..Gail Matthius
Guests…..Andy Murphy, Terry Sweeney

Announcer: [ over slide ] “The Battle of the World Superpowers” will be delayed tonight, so that we may bring you this message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Ronald Reagan seated in the Oval Office ]

President Ronald Reagan: Hello! I’m speaking to you tonight about the state of our economy. I regret to say that it’s in the worst shape since the Great Depression. It’s a complex problem, so I’m going to explan it to you very simply — just like they explained it to me. Now, here’s what a $500 bill was in 1960. [ he holds up a $500 bill ] Today, the same $500 bill is worth… [ he rips it in half ] on-ehalf that much, because of government waste. Who can figure it? To help, I’ve drawn some simple charts.

[ cut to crude chart drawing ]

Here, you see how Government Spending is running ahead of Government Revenues. And you know what that means:

[ cut to crude drawing of Mr. Taxpayer cursing his bills ]

Poor old Mr. Taxpayer is sweating it out. Now… here’s another chart I’e prepared:

[ cut to crude drawing of optical illusion of two lines labeled “One Line” and “Another Line” ]

It’s hard to believe, but the two lines are of equal length. It’s an optical illusion! But… back to serious stuff. Here’s another chart:

[ cut to crude drawing of two angled lines labeled “Life Expectancy” and “My Age”, marked “70” and “My birthday yesterday” at their intersection ]

The bottom line is popular life expectancy. The top line is my age. As you see, those two lines met yesterday, on my 70th birthday.

[ return to Reagan at his desk, as Nancy and other guests swarm him with a cake ]

Guests: SURPRIIIIISE!!!!

President Ronald Reagan: Oh… what an unexpected surprise!

[ Reagan blows out the candle, which causes him to pass out headfirst on the cake ]

[ he looks up from the cake and faces the camera, his face covered in frosting ]

President Ronald Reagan: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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