Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 4th, 1999 Christina Ricci Beck None None A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) rates the Republican frontrunners for the 2000 election. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton. Transcript
Montage
Christina Ricci’s MonologueSummary: Christina Ricci is joined onstage by her less successful twin sister, Petina Ricci (Rachel Dratch). Transcript
Spartans Holiday ParadeSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) cheer needlessly at a holiday parade. Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna. Transcript
And So This Is ChanukahSummary: Popular musical artists perform Chanukah-based song parodies. Recurring Characters: Bing Crosby, David Bowie, Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Ricky Martin. Transcript
Who Wants To Eat?Summary: Middle Eastern emcee Rajneesh Philbin (Darrell Hammond) taunts starving contestants. Transcript
Taxicab ConfessionsSummary: A cab driver (Tim Meadows) is distracted by a sexy teenaged passenger (Christina Ricci).
TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Robert Smigel, the characters on “Friends” continue to drink and coffee and josh with one another as the apocalypse strikes New York.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: WTO Spokesman Jacob Silj (Will Ferrell) talks louder than expected. Recurring Characters: Jacob Silj. Transcript
SallySummary: Sally Jesse Raphael (Ana Gasteyer) enlists the help of Sergeant Frank (Tracy Morgan) to reform teen punk, Amber (Christina Ricci). Recurring Characters: Sally Jesse Raphael. Transcript
Beck performs “Sexx Laws”
Madeline Kahn TributeSummary: A clip of Madeline Kahn as the Bride of Frankenstein, singing “I Feel Pretty”, marks her recent passing. Note: Clip from 05/08/76.
…..Colin Quinn George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell …..Tracy Morgan
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks! Come on!…Ha!…Hi, I’m Colin Quinn, and here are tonight’s top stories.
Before President Clinton boarded the Air Force One flight from Athens earlier today, the Secret Service received an anonymous threat against the plane. Looking for anything suspicious, agents asked all passengers if their belongings were ever out of their possession, or if they were asked to carry anything on board by this woman. [photo of Hillary Clinton]
In a New Yorker article this week, Al Gore criticized Bill Clinton for being too political, saying, quote, “Bill Clinton sees a car going down the street and says, ‘What are the political implications of that car?’ I think, ‘How can we replace the internal combustion engine on that car?'” Clinton angrily denied Gore’s characterization of him, insisting that when he sees a car, he thinks, “How far back do the seats go?” [some cheers, scattered applause]
Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush made his first foreign policy speech yesterday in Simi Valley, California, emphasizing that the United States needs to set priorities on the world stage. Bush believes that the U.S. needs to concentrate on the Far East, Russia, and “you know, that other one that looks like a shoe.”
In international news, the [semi-Irish accent] Irish Republican Army issued a historic statement Wednesday, rejecting violence and declaring that they will completely disarm, beginning in January. But you know, that’s probably just the booze talking. [cheers and applause]…[sarcastically] Ha ha, yeah. Funny….Funny to you, and I gotta go to those fire department fundraisers and catch a few shots in the face.
Hoping for future membership in the World Trade Organization, China reached a trade agreement with the United States this week that is being opposed by American unions as a, quote, “job killer.” Whatever happens with the agreement, however, U.S. experts warn you have to be careful when dealing with a closed culture steeped in ritual, family, and distrust of outsiders — the Teamsters.
Yesterday, John Carpenter, a – an Internal Revenue Service employee, became the first contestant to win the million-dollar prize on ABC’s “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” Carpenter said that, despite his windfall, he won’t quit his job at the IRS, but rather looks forward to going back to work, and harassing himself out of all the money he’s won. [cheers and applause]…Yeah! Where is he?
In his just-released biography, Texas governor George W. Bush says his image as a party animal is, quote, “vastly overblown.” As opposed to our curs – current president, who’s just vastly overblown. [cheers and applause]
The title of Bush’s biography, A Charge to Keep, was taken from a painting that hangs in the Texas governor’s office. Bush said he got the idea of naming the book after a work of art after reading Dan Quayle’s autobiography, Dogs Playing Poker.
Joining us now to discuss his new autobiography, Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush!
[pan over to George, who is a bit nervous and has a copy of his autobiography on the desk]
George W. Bush: Thanks, uh…thank you, uh…don’t tell me. Don’t tell me.
Colin: Colin.
George: I said not to tell me, dammit! Colin! All right….Right, I knew that.
Colin: Now…
George: Yeah.
Colin: …Governor Bush [George sticks out his tongue and wiggles it around, then sniffs, scratches his nose, then takes a couple deep breaths]…Governor Bush, first off…how do you have time to write a book while you are governor of Texas and a full-time presidential candidate?
George: Well, Col, I only sleep about 45 minutes a night. [laughs] Plus, the book itself only took two days to write.
Colin: Two days? The book’s over 250 pages!
George: I was a little wired that week! [laughs] Uh…I’ve been doing some partying. [makes a big, goofy smile and laughs very quietly]
Colin: I see….So, uh, tell us about the book.
George: Well, well, it sells in bookstores for 23 dollars, but it has a street value of 65. And it’s, uh, an in-depth exploration of my entire life, except for some minor details, like what I did in the ’70s and the early ’80s. [laughs, then sniffs twice] Woo!
Colin: Well [George sticks out his tongue and wiggles it around, then sniffs twice] …what did you do in those days?
George: [worried] Who wants to know? Did somebody ask you to ask me that?
Colin: No!
George: Are you affiliated with a law enforcement organization of some type?
Colin:No!
George: [relieved] Okay. Okay, Colin, I trust you. I trust you. You know, you’d have to tell me if you were a cop, right? Yeah. Okay. Man! It is hot in here, isn’t it? [takes off his sportcoat] Do you mind? Do you mind?
Colin: No, uh…
George: Thanks.
Colin: …go ahead.
George: I’m sweating up a storm in here. [loosens his tie] I am sweatin’! Woo! My heart is…my heart is racin’! [unbuttons and takes off his shirt] Racin’ like a race dog! I’m burnin’ up! [cheers] I’m burnin’ up! Hey, listen…if – if – if anyone calls for me, I’m NOT HERE, OKAY?! I’M NOT HERE!
Colin: If you say so, okay!
George: Is it cool if I do a couple lines?
Colin:What?!
George: A couple lines of my book! A couple lines of my book! My book!
Colin: Oh, sure, go – go ahead. [some applause]
Geoge: Yeah! [opens his book and sniffs the pages]
Colin: Wh…what are you – what are you doing?!
George: Col, I love that new book smell, I love it!…I love it!
Colin: Put that away!
George: I love it!
Colin: George Bush, everybody!
George: My dad’s here?
Colin: No, that’s you! Governor…
George: Oh, right, no, I know that.
Colin: …George Bush!
George: I know that. I know that.
Colin: Facing a protracted legal battle in Maryland this week, Linda Tripp launched a fundraising Internet site designed to pay her mounting legal bills. Interestingly, her online moneymaking scheme works opposite to other websites; in it, Linda Tripp appears naked, and you have to use your credit card to get her to put her clothes back on. [some applause]
Also hitting the campaign trail this week– ah!…Former New York Knick and presidential hopeful Bill Bradley, who returned to Madison Square Garden with other NBA greats this weekend for an event which netted 1.5 million dollars for his campaign. He would have raised another million dollars, but he missed his second shot from half court.
This week…Robert Reich, who served as Secretary of Labor in the Clinton-Gore White House, chose to endorse Bill Bradley for president instead of [one audience member applauds] his former colleague, Al Gore. Gore dismissed the endorsement, saying it was just right to pay back for the relentless “Mini-Me” jokes. [scattered applause]
England’s Queen Elizabeth and her husband, Prince Philip, will celebrate their 52nd wedding anniversary this weekend. The royal couple plans to have a romantic candlelit dinner, retire to the seclusion of Windsor Castle, get a little tipsy on wine, and then wave at each other from a respectable distance.
[photo of new $10 bill] The Treasury Department Tuesday unveiled an updated version of the ten-dollar bill, which will incorporate new security features to confuse and deter counterfeiters. [portrait of Alexander Hamilton replaced with photo of Chris Gaines; scattered applause]
According to Senate records, Arizona senator and presidential hopeful John McCain has the worst attendance record in the Senate this year, having skipped 36 percent of the first 365 floor votes. And what I want to know is: who’s the spoiled brat hall monitor who snitched on him? [photo of Al Gore]
It was reported this week that whi – when the New York Knicks were in South Carolina before the 1996 playoffs, an Atlanta strip club owner allegedly sent topless dancers to the team to perform sexual favors for the players. Evidently, the dancers were so accommodating, that even Patrick Ewing scored in the last two minutes. [some applause]
Pop superstar Michael Jackson announced last week that he plans to publish a text…a text-and-picture book, celebrating his, quote, “love of children.” The working title of the book: People’s Exhibit A. [some applause]
This week, one story touches on the most divisive issue in America: Jesse Jackson’s protest of the expulsion of seven black students from a Decatur, Illinois high school. Can these racial issues be discussed in an open, honest manner? They can, here on “Update Forum.” Joining me tonight, our own Tracy Morgan.
[pan over to Tracy]
Tracy Morgan: [waves to the audience] Hey!…How you doing, Colin?
Colin: Hi, Tracy. I want to thank you for agreeing to join me for this frank and open racial discussion.
Tracy: Colin, we’ll never understand each other unless we start saying what’s really on our minds.
Colin: Absolutely. Now, don’t you think Reverend [subtitle: “Everybody’s a reverend with you people.”] Jackson…is creating a racial conflict where it doesn’t exist?
Tracy: Well, you know, this is not a racial [subtitle: “Yes it is.”] issue. Reverend Jackson made that clear.
Colin: Oh, I know it’s not! [subtitle: “Oh yes it is.”] Race just confuses the issue, really.
Tracy: But I understand white people’s concerns with this type of demonstration. [subtitle: “Be afraid, Colin. Be very afraid.”] Still, the penalty was too severe. What about alternative schooling?
Colin: Listen. I agree that these kids need alternative [subtitle: “Prison.”] schooling. There have to be options!
Tracy: Exactly. And as long as people like you and I can work together [subtitle: “‘Til my sitcom on the WB.”] and have these open and honest conversations about race, only good can come of it.
Colin: You’re right. I guess we [he and Tracy smile broadly and shake hands while facing the camera] cleared that up! [subtitles in front of him and Tracy: “He’s one of the good ones.”]…Tracy Morgan, everybody! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! [Tracy flashes the peace sign] Good night!
Father: My, honey, you’ve really outdone yourself this year! Well, I just want to begin by saying that I am very thankful to be spending this day with my wonderful family.
Roberta: And me.
Father: Yes, and Roberta too.
Mother: Oh, we’re so happy to have you, Roberta. You can take your coat off, if you like.
Roberta: It’s from the Burlington Coat Factory.
Sarah: So Roberta, how do you know Dad?
Roberta: I work in accounts payable at your father’s firm. I’m in charge of all the company’s debts.
Father: Yes. Roberta overheard me talking about our little family gathering and said she didn’t have any place to go. Several times actually.
Roberta: I usually spend Thanksgiving with my father and my aunt, but they went and booked themselves on a carnival cruise. It’s a large boat designed for those who like nonstop activities including shuffleboard and skeet. But I exempted myself from the aquatic fun because the Carnival Cruise Corporation doesn’t allow pets aboard its vessels.
Mother: Oh, you have pets?
Sarah: Mom, mom, don’t.
Roberta: I have… I have 8 cats. There’s Langly, Dominic, Hi Ho, Nut Nut, Montell, Jesus–
Sarah: Uh, Daddy, could you um pass the turkey please?
Roberta: Othello, and the most finicky: Gilligan. He’ll only eat Fancy Feast.. It’s funny, ’cause he’ll only eat Fancy Feast—
Sarah: Well this fancy feast is–
Roberta: From the commercial!
Sarah: Well this fancy feast is getting cold. So you know what, I’m just gonna go ahead and grab myself a little drumstick here..
Roberta: Would it be inappropriate for me to incorporate a blessing?
Sarah: Dad, did you not already say one?
Father: Yes I did.
Roberta: Dear Jesus–
Sarah: We’re Jewish.
Roberta: — savior of the world. I’d like to thank thee for my new Hebrew friends and the top-notch chow we are about to consume. I’d also like to thank thee in advance for the 7 bags of leftovers I’ll be able to take home to my cats.
Father: Okay, let’s eat.
Roberta: Langly, Dominic, Hi Ho, Nut Nut, Montell, Jesus.. (looks up) Not you. Othello, and Jesus, you know Gilligan. He’ll only eat–
Sarah: Fancy Feast! Amen!
Roberta: Amen.
Father: Alright. Uh, Grandpa, if you could pass those sweet potatoes, I’d be most grateful.
Grandpa: Holy hell, I wish I was DEAD!
Father: Yeah, just pass the potatoes.
Mother: Sarah, it’s such a shame that Richard couldn’t join us tonight.
Sarah: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that he invited me to join him next week in Paris.
Mother: Oh, that’s so exciting! Our Sarah jetting off to Paris!
Roberta: Have ya ever been to Scranton?
Sarah: Nope.
Roberta: Don’t count it out. The beauty of the skyline alone made me do a double take. (demonstrates) I stayed, I stayed at the airport Ramada.
Sarah: (sarcastic) Oooh, Ramada.
Roberta: It’s funny, because they hadn’t washed the sheets.
Sarah: I’m sory, how was that funny?
Roberta: You didn’t let me complete the tale. Apparently the previous guest shot himself in the head.
[ Little Doogie walks through the door upon returning from “Pokemon: The First Movie” ]
Dad: Tell us, Son: what did you think of the movie?
Doogie: [ bummed ] It was stupid!
Mom: Stupid? Well, what about your buddy Jaimie? What did he think of the movie?
Doogie: He liked it.
Dad: Yeah? I bet Jaimie was jealous when he saw your holographic Charizard, huh?
Doogie: Yeah, he traded me for it.
Dad: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.. You traded your holographic Charizard?
Mom: [ appalled ] But Charizard is the coolest Pokemon. And you traded it? For what? What, are you stupid? What did you get in return?
Doogie: These. [ holds up cards ]
Mom: [ grabbing the cards ] What are these? Let me see.. [ looks at card ] A Metapod. Great! Terrific! You know what its power is – it hardens. That’s really gonna help you in the battle to become a Pokemon master. [ tosses card, looks at next one ] Oh, and Magnamite – great! What a coup! [ tosses card ]
Dad: [ sarcastically ] I wonder how you ever talked Jaimie into giving up a Magnamite in exchange for a Charizard?
Mom: [ looking at next card ] Hey, and look here, honey – another Metapod! You can never have enough Metapods, can you, Doogie? [ tosses card, looks at next one ] Oh, well, at least you got a Diglett! He can’t change forms, his power is digging. Son, you are just a dumbass!
Dad: Son, she’s right. You’re a buffoon.
Mom: You know what? I’m gonna call Jaimie’s mother and get those cards back for you.
Doogie: I don’t care! I don’t even like Pokemon! [ his parents gasp ]
Mom: Oh, that’s great. So you’re just gonna be the weird kid in school, is that it? Well, let me tell you something – it’s not fun being the outcast, okay? I didn’t like REO Speedwagon in school, and people thought I was strange. Luckily, I had a nice rack, so I was able to overcome it! What are you gonna do?
Dad: Son, you’re not good-looking like your mother. How do you expect to make friends?
Mom: I did not spend fourteen hours in labor so I could give birth to the stupid kid in school!
Dad: Honey, you’re absolutely right. He’s gonna be the creepy kid. He’s going to be the one everyone hates.
Mom: I can see it now – you’ll be 35, living in a trailer, smacking your Common Law wife; she’ll call the cops, they’ll show up, and find you in your meth lab. Is that what you want?
Doogie: No.
Mom: Well, you’d better get it together, Mister!
Dad: Son, your mother and I are just so disappointed in how you turned out. I think you’d better go to your room and think about being a normal kid. Okay?
[ Doogie goes to his room ]
Mom: And I’m gonna come in there and check on you! You’d better be reading that Harry Potter book!
Dad: [ sighing ] I’m not sure about this kid, Honey. I just wish we could trade him in.
Mom: Oh, wouldn’t that be cool? You know, we could get one of those Asian kids. I mean, they’ve got great powers, they’re quick learners, and they assimilate well.
Female Employee…..Jennifer Aniston Male Employee #1…..Horatio Sanz Male Employee #2…..Chris Kattan Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Female Employee: Oh, damn it! It crashed again. Hey, did somebody call Nick Burns the computer guy?
Male Employee #1: I called him about half hour ago. He told me to hold my horses.
Male Employee #2: I don’t like that guy.
Female Employee: Well you know what, I don’t like this new program. It’s crap. I don’t know why we switched.
Nick Burns: Because the new program is written for OS8 and can function twice as fast. Is that enough reason, Nancy Drew?
Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, your company computer guy.”
Nick Burns: Okay, all right, all right, what’s wrong with the computers?
[ everyone talks at once, making it hard for Nick to understand ]
Nick Burns: Overload, overload, my processor can only hold one command at a time here.
Male Employee #2 I have a question Nick, I’m trying to do this quarterly, I just, I can’t get the stupid e-mail package to open at all.
Nick Burns: It’s the e-mail that’s stupid, not you right? What does it say when you try to open it?
Male Employee #2 It can’t find the appropriate program to open the file.
Nick Burns: This is 6.0 version, you didn’t upgrade yet, did you genius? Just use the translation file for it?
Male Employee #2 Where’s that?
Nick Burns: Move! … [ sits down ] Done. Was that so hard? Boy I’m so glad I came down here, it’s really worth my trip. Whose next?
Male Employee #1 Hey Nick, how’s it going?
Nick Burns: Oh great, really great. I love teaching people remedial computers here. You guys should be wearing helmets or something?
Male Employee #1 I’m having trouble with my printer, all my stuff keeps going on that printer in marketing.
Nick Burns: Oh, is the walk killing you here buddy (pats Sanz’s belly)? Just get better shoes, that’s all.
Male Employee #1 It would be easier if it were here. I had my print monitor up here.
Nick Burns: Tried to use the print monitor huh? That didn’t work did it? Print monitor, no.
Male Employee #1 No it didn’t.
Nick Burns: That’s cause the print monitor, monitors the document you’re printing. It doesn’t tell what printer the direction it’s going to go to.
Nick Burns: Just scroll your chooser.
Male Employee #1 That thing you pull down?
Nick Burns: The thing you pull down? You mean Apple file? Do that.
Male Employee #1 I didn’t know what it was called.
Nick Burns: Obviously. You go to your chooser, go to the printer, pick your zone, and pick your printer.
Male Employee #1 Hold on, I’m on the chooser. Okay. Is this the zone here?
Nick Burns: Move! [ sits down ] … See where it says “4” and “FL”. That’s fourth floor. That’s where we are, we’re on the fourth floor. That’s it. You pick that one. Is that so hard? Geeze Louise, I can’t wait to get my NTSC and quit this job. [ steps over to the Female Employee’s computer ] What’s your problem?
Female Employee: Well, it just crashes every time my screen saver comes up.
Nick Burns: Alright, let’s run a test, just type in: XY.VIOLATOR/467 F47
Female Employee: Type in?
Nick Burns: Move! … [ sits down ] Okay, here. Do you want me to save your game of Minesweeper here?
Female Employee: Nope, you don’t have to, you don’t have to.
Nick Burns: Okay, thanks. Instead of playing a game, God forbid we read the manual. Have you people ever seen computers before? What I do here is press the letters and it manipulates the screen here and we have fun with it.
Female Employee: Yeah, I know about computers, okay. I’m on the Internet at home.
Nick Burns: Let me guess, you’re on AOL?
Female Employee: Yeah. What’s wrong with that?
Nick Burns: Nothing, except it doesn’t understand Java scripts. [ laughs ] … God I wish someone were here who knew about computers, ’cause that would have gotten a laugh. [ fiddles with her computer ] Damn it crashed, what is this? Move!
Female Employee: You’re already sitting there.
Nick Burns: Yeah, shut up. [ computer sounds ] What the hell is wrong with this thing?
Female Employee: Hey look everybody, the great computer guy doesn’t know what’s wrong.
Nick Burns: I’ll figure it out. Just trust me. I’ll do it, right here.
Female Employee: What’s the matter there wizard? You’re new program not working?
Nick Burns: It’s not the program. It’s not the program. Don’t say it.
Female Employee: Oh no it’s not? You’re sure? You’re sure?
Nick Burns: I just have to check the recent applications. Did you install a Dilbert screen saver?
Female Employee: Yeah, I love Dilbert.
Nick Burns: Well you already had flying toasters on there. There’s a conflict. That’s whats causing your computer to crash. Not our software. Damn, I’m good.
Female Employee: I didn’t know you couldn’t have two screen savers.
Nick Burns: Obviously. That’s why our systems are corrupted here. Problem solved. [ his pager beeps ] It’s those goofs over in Organizational Development. They make you guys look like braniacs over there. I’m outta here. Oh, by the way, you’re welcome!
Theme Song: “Cause he’s Nick Burns, your company computer guy.”
Jennifer Aniston: Thank you! I am so thrilled to be finally hosting”Saturday Night Live”.. and I say “finally”, because I’m the fifthcast member, I think it is, to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. And I askedthe other four if they had any advice, and they said, “Just relax, havefun, and stay away from that Chris Kattan!”
[ Guy in Audience interrupts ]
Guy in Audience: Jennifer? I’m a big fan of the show “Friends”, and I was wondering, in reallife, are you all really friends?
Jennifer Aniston: Um.. what an original question.. you remind me ofthe fifty other people who ask me that every day! [ spots Womanin Audience with a question] Uh, yeah?
Woman in Audience: Hi! Is your boyfriend Brad Pitt gonna be heretonight?
Jennifer Aniston: No. No, Brad is not here – he’s actually in Londonpromoting his new movie “Fight Club”. Hey, you know what, by the way?That restraining order is still in effect, Misty. And you know what?Nothing personal here, but I don’t really feel like doing this question-and-answerthing any more, so.. uh.. [ retreats backstage ]
Molly Shannon: Hey.
Jennifer Aniston: Hey, Molly.
Molly Shannon: Are you okay, Jennifer?
Jennifer Aniston: Yeah.
Molly Shannon: It seems like you just sort of bailed there on themonologue.
Jennifer Aniston: Oh.. well, it’s just that I get so tired ofanswering those questions, you know?
Molly Shannon: Yeah, I know. Well, is there anything I can help youwith?
Jennifer Aniston: Well, you know what, actually there is. I wantyou to hit me as hard as you can.
Molly Shannon: Excuse me?
Jennifer Aniston: If you want me to have a good show, I want you tohit me as hard as I can.
Molly Shannon: Well, gosh, Jennifer.. I don’t know.. uh.. [ punchesJennifer’s breast ]
Jennifer Aniston: Hey! Ow! That was my boob! [ pinchesMolly’s breasts ]
Molly Shannon: Hey, you! You told me to hit you! Are you okay?
Jennifer Aniston: Well, yeah, actually.. for the first time, I don’tthink I’ve ever felt so alive! [ punches Molly’s face ]
Molly Shannon: [ angry ] I am gonna kick your ass, pretty lady![ shoves Jennifer ] You want some more of that, “Rachel”? [ Jennifer punches back, but Molly returns the attack with a blow to thehead with a stage light. Jennifer grabs Molly by the hiar and rams her headinto the cast lockers. Ana Gasteyer and Cheri Oteri run in to stop the fight. ]
Ana Gasteyer: Stop it, you guys! What the hell is going on here?
Molly Shannon: No, it’s okay. Jennifer just asked me to..
Jennifer Aniston: No, no, no, no! First rule of “Fight Club”: “Donot talk about ‘Fight Club’!” Or wait a minute.. is it “talkabout it”? I don’t know.. I haven’t seen it. Isn’t that awful?
Ana Gasteyer: Wait a minute. How do we join “Fight Club”?
Cheri Oteri: Yeah! I want a piece of that!
Jennifer Aniston: Well, it’s actually very simple. You and I justbeat the hell out of each other!
Cheri Oteri: Okay! [ throws a punch at Ana ] You oughtta calmdown, Olive Oyl!
Ana Gasteyer: Oh, yeah? Bring it on, Munchkin! [ swats at Cheriwith a paint can ] Hey, this is fun, I like this!
[ Cheri grabs Ana by the hair and pounds her head into a table, then pullsout a lock of her hair ]
Jennifer Aniston: [ elated ] Ooh, Martha Stewart got her ass kicked!
Molly Shannon: I like “Fight Club”! [ does her Mary Katherine GallagherSuperstar jump ]
[ Jennifer shoves Molly to the ground, as Ana and Cheri continue to scuffle ]
Rachel Dratch: [ interceding ] Hey, what do you guys think you’re doing?!
Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] What’s it to ya, new meat, huh? [ punches Rachel ]
Rachel Dratch: I’m gonna tell Lorne!
Jennifer Aniston: Whoa-oa! Second rule of “Fight Club”: “Don’t tellLorne about ‘Fight Club’.”
Cheri Oteri: [ laughing deviously ] Hey, Rachel, look at this..[smacks Rachel in the jaw ] “Fight Club”!
[ Molly cracks a chair over Rachel’s back ]
Ana Gasteyer: Hey, “Featured Player”! [ cracks a ladder over Rachel’shead ]
Rachel Dratch: [ reeling in the excitement ] This is FREAKIN’ awesome!
Jennifer Aniston: She’s mine now! [ breaks a plywood boardacross Rachel’s back, then drags her by the hair toward Home Base ] Alright.Any more questions? I didn’t think so. We got a great show, Sting is here..and, if you want, we will kick his tantric ass, too! Stick around,we’ll be right back.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 20th, 1999 November 20th, 1999 Sting None John Carpenter Cheb Mami Donald Trump’s AddressSummary: Announcing his bid for President, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) names “Who Wants to be a millionaire?” winner John Carpenter as his running-mate. Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.
Montage
Jennifer Aniston’s MonologueSummary: Jennifer Aniston didn’t bring boyfriend Brad Pitt with her this time around, but she does initiate her own version of “Fight Club” with the female cast members. Transcript
Pretty LivingRecurring Characters: Helen Madden, Gayle Gleason.
Nick Burns, Your Company Computer GuySummary: Computer tech Nick Burns (Jimmy Fallon) makes fun of his company’s dumb employees. Recurring Characters: Nick Burns. Transcript
Wayne PorterSummary: Island castaway Wayne Porter (Chris Parnell) seeks re-election.
PrivolinSummary: While at a business meeting, Angela (Jennifer Aniston) breaks the fourth wall to talk about genital herpes.
Sex and the CitySummary: Carrie Bradshaw (Jennifer Aniston) tries to seduce Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan). Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) reads a few lines from his biography. Colin Quinn and Tracy morgan engage in a subliminal race debate. Recurring Characters: George W. Bush. Transcript
Sting performs “Brand New Day”
Christmas UrchinsSummary: Urchins-for-hire, Peter (Jennifer Aniston) and Pip (Rachel Dratch) beg to their renters’ delights.
Kim PlunkettSummary: Kim Plunkett (Will Ferrell) runs again Wayne Porter for island leader.
Pokemon ParentsSummary: Mother (Jennifer Aniston) yells at her son for not caving in to the Pokemon fad. Transcript
Samuel Kernan…..Will Ferrell Secretary…..Ana Gasteyer Karl Steer…..Garth Brooks Frank Lizkulm…..Chris Parnell Phil Don Levi…..Tim Meadows Ciro Barkley…..Darrell Hammond Andy Weiland…..Horatio Santz Winston Laforge…..Jimmy Fallon Jennifer Johnson…..Rachel Dratch
[ Establishment shot : Headquarters of Warner-Lambert pharmaceutical. Sign in front of building reads :”Warner-Lambert: World Headquarters”]
[ Shot : Warner-Lambert executive meeting room. Samuel Kernan is standing up at the end of the table, talking to his staff. ]
Samuel Kernan : This is a great day forWarner-Lambert pharmaceutical. This merger with American Home Products will make it possible for two very powerful and respected companies to work together and as the single largest and most influential, drug supplier worldwide. And now when the executives from American Home Products arrive, I want all of you to join me and welcoming them.
Secretary : [ secretary enters the set ] People from American Home Products are here sir.
Samuel Kernan : Oh, wonderful! Okay, sendem in Ms.Chett
Secretary : [ secretary leaves the set ] Gentlemen, if you would? [ executives from with American Home Product enter the set ]
Samuel Kernan : Karl! How are you?
Karl Steer : How are you doing Samuel? [ they shake hands ]
Samuel Kernan : Ladies and gentlemen please uh, have a seat. Make yourselves comfortable. Uh, Im Samuel Kernan, and Im the actual Chairman of Warner and Lambert, and I think I should speak for all of us when I say “Welcome”. Uh, let me just quickly introduce my team here.Uh, to my right is Henry Schimmel our Chief Executive and to his right, Lawrence Marble he runs our Marketing Bill Kaystings over there in the hat, uh Steve Munsen, Jeff Kennington, Charles Weakman – from Research and Development – and hes next to Mathiew Lopkin, Hank Drummond, Trent Baker, Parker Winslow heads up our European team, uh, Rip Giltor works in P.R. with Layla Cassey and Kent Lamken, uh, Burt Treybur, Fred Kurl, Lyle Di Angelo down there, Brett Sheyburs, Philton Madison, and thats Samuel Whetston and uh, Adrien Easse, down there next to Jasper Loost, Paul Warner, Mark Shitling, and Lanear Morehead uh, passed Lanear theres Kent Sanderson and Harnold Hoatch, Peter Kallingback in the plied jacket, of course Dirk Ford, Preston Phillips just had a baby Arthur Rowlings, Anson Pierce, Dominik Hentsbruck, Wilson Smith, Debra Hillson, Kwan Pak, Cameron Wong-Jett, Richard Kyle, Dana Grott, Bill Wilder, Kevin McTattle, Bren Bearsley heads up our Personnel next to her is Lance Fortune and Granch Freemont theres, Dick Bartum right there uh, Windsel Kelly, Andy Pearson, Paul Jacobson and Lenny Forem [ Samuel Kernan takes big a glass of water and continues ] Will Suncek, uh, Amanda Sphorget, Jim Palter, Lester Bedlie down there, Gale Dutrik, Vince OGrady, Marl Oppaulond, uh, Robert Gettlingbush, Forrest Birss, Chester Lang, Richard Camperton, Art Wonder, theres Mark Williams, Christopher Hagerty, Gaston Lejeune I think I pronounced that right Wilson Steinman down there, uh Damon Winckerminch, Wes Fitzpatrick, Gene Stewart, and there on the end, Kyle Gotleed, Nick Windstad, Herbert Locks, Wayne Forrest and Kevin Warner. And that runs out the owners of Warner and Lambert team, uh, Brett Holkum couldnt make it theres a illness in his family. [ Samuel Kernan sits down, Karl steer get off his chair ]
Karl Steer : It was my pleasure gentlemen hum, Im Karl Steer, and Im the president of with American Home Product and uh, Id rather not take my family to the test. Id just like to allow my staff to hum, introduce themselves, so Frank, if you wouldnt mind starting up.
Frank Lizkulm : Sure. Frank Lizkulm executive in charges of Sales- pleasure to meet you.
Phil Don Levi : Uh, Phil Don Levi
Ciro Barkley : Ciro Barkley
Andy Weiland : Andy Weiland Marketing.
Winston Laforge : Winston Laforge
Jennifer Johnson : Jonnifer Jenhson- uh I mean, JenniferJohnson [ all the executives look at her, shocked, Samuel Kernan stands up ]
Samuel Kernan: What was that?
Jennifer Johnson : uh, I slipped up.
Samuel Kernan: You what?
Jennifer Johnson : I just got, tripped up, I [ Samuel Kernan studies the situation nervously ]
Samuel Kernan : No. No I dont like the way this feels. The Mergers off! [ the executives takes their briefcases and leave ] Every once in a while theyre gonna ask Stutter Puss down there! Okay? Good Day!
[ SUPER: Great Moments in Corporate History ]
V/O : Youve been watching “Great Moments in Corporate History”. See you next time.
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks….Thank you! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn. Here are tonight’s top stories.
President Clinton participated in his first ever presidential Internet chat at George Washington University this week. Clinton spent about 90 minutes online, although most of the conversations ended with, “Mr. President, before we go any further, I’m gonna need your credit card number.” [modest reaction]…Nothing like starting off with a bang.
On Tuesday…Germany celebrated the tenth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, featuring a reunion of Helmut Kohl, Mikhail Gorbachev, and George Bush, which prompted a desperate George W. Bush to declare he could identify at least one of these three former world leaders. [some applause]
Governor Bush insisted this week that he’s fit for office because he knows how to bring peace between world leaders, despite his recent difficulty in naming them. Asked how he would do this, Bush says he’ll use the old trick of greeting everyone with “Chief!“, “Big guy!“, and “Hey, there he is!”
Hillary Clinton returned today from a controversial four-day tour of Israel and Jordan, which critics sai – saw as a crass attempt to curry favor with Jewish voters as part of her bid for New York’s Senate seat. Clinton responded angrily to that charge, saying, “Hey! How ’bout them Yankees?”
A portrait of Pablo Picasso’s mistress, Dora Maar, sold for 49.5 million dollars at Sotheby’s early this week. The painting is of particular interest because art critics have long wondered why Picasso even had a mistress when you consider how hot his [photo of Picasso’s Portrait of Jacqueline] wife was.
Comedian and long-standing bachelor Jerry Seinfeld got engaged this week to his on-again/off-again girlfriend, Jessica Sklar. The romantic proposal occurred after dinner at a downtown Manhattan restaurant when Seinfeld dropped to one knee, and with tears in his eyes, asked Sklar, “Who wants to be a millionaire?”
In a report released this week on the nation’s Y2K preparedness, the White House reassured Americans that lights won’t go out, planes won’t crash, and nuclear bombs will not accidentally detonate because of the computer glitch. Still upset with last week’s court finding, Bill Gates remarked, “That’s what you think.” [some applause]
The report also noted that in terms of Y2K readiness, Alabama is the nation’s least prepared state. Alabama authorities, however, insist that they’ll get to the Y2K problem as soon as they address the state’s long-standing Y1K difficulties. [scattered applause]
We now present a very special installment of Weekend Update’s “The Millennium,” as we name our choice for Man of the Millennium.
[Dissolve to a dissolving series of zooming-in pictures as dark, mysterious music plays. The sequence of pictures is as follows: view of Earth from space, William Shakespeare, Neil Armstrong on the moon, a medieval knight, Albert Einstein, Ludwig von Beethoven, Christopher Columbus, a French military leader, Philadelphia 76ers basketball player Darryl Dawkins.]
Announcer #1: “History,” wrote Thomas Carlisle, “is the biography of great men.” Tonight, we nominate one to stand above the others: Darryl Dawkins.
[dissolve to an hourglass, then zoom in “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM”]
Announcer #2: Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.” Part Three: Man of the Millennium.
[Fade to black, then fade up to a series of pictures as music becomes more triumphant. Sequence is as follows: panning historical timeline; dissolve to portrait of William Shakespeare; dissolve to photo of Albert Einstein; dissolve to photo of Darryl Dawkins; dissolve to another photo of Dawkins; dissolve to collective picture of Shakespeare, Dawkins, and Einstein; dissolve to photo of two men at a supercomputer; cut to clip of Dawkins standing on court; cut to clip of Dawkins’ glass-shattering slam dunk in Kansas City; cut to clip of Dawkins’ glass-shattering slam dunk in Philadelphia; dissolve to converging portraits of Shakespeare and Einstein, fade down portraits and fade up clip of Dawkins’ second glass-shattering slam dunk; dissolve to photo of Dawkins, fade up yellow banner at the bottom that reads “Man of the Millennium.”]
Announcer #1: From a thousand years of history, we selected three finalists. William Shakespeare, master of the written word; Albert Einstein, decoder of cosmic mysteries; and Darryl Dawkins, who named his dunks “The Go-Rilla” and “Rump-Roaster,” while claiming he was from the planet Lovetron. Three great men. But to choose one, we need a common ground on which to judge them. At random, this supercomputer chose: basketball. The head-to-head comparison went like this: over and over, Darryl Dawkins pounded violent, almost pornographic dunks over the once-great patent clerk and the effeminate actor, raining a shower of glass and terror on the two cowering nerds. So congratulations, Darryl “Chocolate Thunder” Dawkins, Weekend Update’s Man of the Millennium!
[dissolve to “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM” graphic sequence]
Announcer #2: This has been Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.”
[cheers and applause as music fades out, dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin:Yee-aw!
This week, a nine-year-old boy was arrested for stabbing his friend over a Pokémon card. For those of you who don’t know, “Pokémon” is a Japanese word for “this week’s excuse.”
Bostrox Records announced plans this week to release a CD featuring calypso songs sung by Louis Farrakhan, recorded before he had to abandon his music career in order to become the leader of the Nation of Islam. Of course, if Farrakhan were a young man today, he’d have a way to combine both his love of music and his hatred of white people — rap. [little reaction]…Oh-h-h yeah, I’m just gonna…I can’t get a f – laugh on a Farrakhan joke in the Garth Brooks show, folks. That’s a little politically correct for my taste, I’m sorry.
The Senate this week approved a bill that will raise the minimum wage one dollar to 6.15 over the next 28 months. Meaning now people who work at McDonald’s can actually afford to eat there.
In international news, Israel’s recent sale to China of a sophisticated 250-million-dollar airborne radar system raised serious concerns at the Pentagon this week. Defense officials are worried about the idea of China buying from Israel, noting that usually it’s Jews who are ordering Chinese. [scattered applause]…But that was okay? All right.
A Florida company signed a deal with the Vatican last week to issue commemorative Pope John Paul the Second phone cards. Boy, how guilty am I going to feel when I use a Pope phone card to call my girlfriend for long-distance phone sex?…It was rhetorical, actually, but…
On a five-day tour of Asia this week, the Pope himself launched a conversion drive that the Church hopes will reap a “harvest of faith” in the next millennium. At a stop in India, the Pontiff tried to persuade an audience in the cyclone-, famine-, and flood-stricken country by asking, “Come on, look around. Do you really think you picked the right god?” [mixed reaction]…What are you, Hindu? What, is there a yoga class here today? Figures…
In business news, United Parcel Service went public this Wednesday with a record-setting five-and-a-half-million-dollar stock offering that had shares soaring 35 percent on the first day of trading. The only problem is that for investors to get dividend payments properly, they have to use Federal Express.
After just one week on the job, Bryant Gumbel, host of the new “CBS Early Show,” accidentally signed off by saying, “This is ‘Today’ on NBC.” In a related story, Marv Albert mistakenly introduced a recent Knicks game with, “Hi! Welcome to Spike’s panty and leather mask party!” [applause]…Thank ah!…Thank you.
Now, here to introduce her new editorial commentary segment is our very own Molly Shannon!
[pan over to Molly]
Molly Shannon: [shaking her fists] Wooo! [smiles at Colin and touches his shoulder]…[slapping her hands on the desk] Woooo! Yes! Oh! Thank you very much, Colin. Okay. I’ve been, um, reading the paper a lot lately, and I’ve been studying current events, and I’ve noticed that most news stories have one thing in common — the people in them are really crazy. So, I deci – I decided to start a new segment on Weekend Update called “The World Is Crazy, [makes circles with her hands around her head] Crazy, CRAAZY!!!” [circus-like music plays as colorful graphic “MOLLY SHANNON’S THE WORLD IS CRAZY!!!” flashes briefly]…That’s my segment, okay. Okay.
Colin: What would you like to talk about this week?
Molly: Okay. [fade out music] This week’s item is that Julianna Margulies turned down a 27-million-dollar contract from “ER.” Because she wanted to pursue a movie career, okay? Julianna Margulies, you are crazy, pretty lady!Crazy, curly brown hair, with the big pouty lips, with the big brow, helpin’ with CPR, with the flap jacket! You’re craazy, lady! You could – you could use that money to make your own movie about how crazy you are! Okay? Or you could use it to buy some anti-crazy pills to possibly cure you of the kookiness that seems to have…[jerks finger to her head] s-s-s-stuffed itself in your head! That’s 27 million dollars, [semi-French accent] Julianna! That’s ten million dollars, plus ten million dollars, plus two million dollars, plus five million dollars, and if you don’t take that money, [semi-French accent] Julianna, you are [making circles with her fingers around her head]CRAAAZY! Crazy! Crazy, pretty lady!
Colin: I don’t know, Molly. [some applause]…Maybe you’re crazy.
Molly: No, I’m not crazy, Colin! The world is crazy! [stands up an imitates her “Dog Show” character Miss Colleen] And I like…dogs!
Colin: [laughs] Molly Shannon, everybody! Molly– [Molly puts her arm around him; he kisses her on the cheek] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story…
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Air Date:
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) rates the Republican frontrunners for the 2000 election.
