Maitre’d…..Chris Kattan Waitress…..Ana Gasteyer Roberto Benigni…..Ray Romano Male Patron…..Will Ferrell Female Patron…..Molly Shannon Second Female Patron…..Cheri Oteri Lone Patron…..Horatio Sanz
[ open on interior, Carnabie’s Restaurant ]
Maitre’D: No, we really don’t have anything open right now.. unless you’d like to come back at midnight?
Angry Patron: But we have a reservation! We made it months ago! Tonight’s our anniversary.
Maitre’D: Well, there’s always next year. [ Angry Patron storms out, as phone rings ] Hello. Carnaby’s. I’m sorry, we don’t.. oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ to passing Waitress ] Roberto Benigni is coming!
Waitress: Oh, my God!
Maitre’D: I know! [ on phone ] Yes, yes, Mr. Benigni, okay! [ to Waitress ] He’s on his way! Fix up a place! [ on phone ] When will you arrive, Mr. Benigni?
Roberto Benigni: I’m-a sorry! This phone has-a no connection through the wall! [ throws phone over his shoulder ]
Waitress: [ laughing ] Oh, Mr. Benigni, we’re so happy to have you!
Roberto Benigni: Hey! I’m-a happy to have-a you! [ laughs and picks her up, as she laughs ] And-a you! [ picks up Maitre’D, making him laugh, too ] And-a you! [ attempts to pick up heavyset waiter, climbs into his arms instead ] I love-a you! Thank you very much for this-a warm-a welcome! You make-a my buttocks-a full, with-a juice of-a many llamas!
[ everyone laughs ]
Waitress: Oh, Mr. Benigni, we just love you! Please, follow me, your table is over here.. [ approaches couple sitting at table ] You have to leave now.
Male Patron: What? We just sat down..
Waitress: Come on, come on, look who’s here.
Male Patron: [ excited ] Oh, my God! Roberto Benigni!
[ Male and Female Patron stand up immediately ]
Roberto Benigni: Oh, and this is-a for you – [ touches Female Patron’s ass ] Hello, goodbye! Hello, goodbye!
Female Patron: Oh! Whoo! Roberto Benigni is jiggling my ass!
Male Patron: Can I take a picture? [ snaps picture as they pose ]
Roberto Benigni: I love you! I want to give all of you all my love and squeezings! [ tosses bowl of soup at Male Patron ] Soup-a!
Male Patron: Owww!! Roberto Benigni just scalded me with hot soup! Oww!![ everyone laughs ] I can’t wait to tell my mother!
Roberto Benigni: I’m-a sorry, I’m-a sorry! [ grabs his wallet ] Oh! This is your dollars? I take-a now! [ laughs ] It’s funny!
Male Patron: It’s hilarious! And I am burned pretty badly. Yeah. Yeah.
Roberto Benigni: I’m-a sorry! I love-a you all! [ approaches Second Female Patron ] Oh, I love-a you, too! [ grabs pepper spray ] What is this? What is this?
Second Female Patron: Oh, that’s pepper spray. Roberto Benigni: Oh! [ sprays at her ] I make-a you sneeze! [ laughs ]
Second Female Patron: [ laughs between tears ] You’re irrepressible!
Roberto Benigni: And-a for you.. [ dumps cake on man’s head, making him laugh as well ] Full of joy! Oh, look! Look! [ grabs axe from wall, then chops Lone Patron’s hand off ]
Lone Patron: Aaaggghhhhh!! [ laughs, though blood shoots out of his arm ] I’m a doctor! You ruined my career! [ still laughs ] You are an international funny man!
Roberto Benigni: [ laughing ] I don’t know! I do not know!
Maitre’D: Oh, Mr. Benigni, please! We’ve prepared a special feast for you. Have some champagne.
Roberto Benigni: [ stands on table ] Oh, please! Please! Please! To all my very good friends – please excuse my revolting English – but, please, believe me.. I have never felt such a joy and love without ruining a towel! [ everyone laughs ] And that is what love is all about – loving and giving and tickling and sucking! You maske-a me so happy! I want to show you La Luna! [ bends over and moons everyone in the restaurant, as they continue to laugh at his antics ]
[ screen shrinks to reveal itself as Variety news photo, with headline “Benigni Incorrigible!” ]
Dave…..Ray Romano Rob…..Tim Meadows Janice…..Molly Shannon Jim Lasterbick…..Will Ferrell
[ open on tall office building, zoom upward ]
[ dissolve to interior, conference room ]
Dave: [ closes conference room door ] Well, to say that we are excited to work on the Winfred Tire account is simply an understatement. I mean, that’s like, uh, saying the astronauts were “excited to land on the moon.” We are really excited about this.
Rob: That’s great. We’re very excited, also.
Janice: Yes. And I think I speak for Rob when I say —
Dave: She does speak for me, and I don’t even know what she’s gonna say!
[ everyone shares a hearty laugh ]
Janice: But I definitely think that Winfred Tires is in a position to be the number one tire outlet in the country.
Rob: I agree.
Dave: Oh. Well, with that having been said, let me introduce Jim Lasterbick. He’s, uh, gonna handle the presentation from here on in. Jim?
Jim: Thanks, Dave. Uh.. now, if you’ll, uh, go ahead and take a look at these. [ hands folders to Rob and Janice ] Uh, what we’ve prepared – uh, you’ll see, is a new ad campaign – uh, that focuses on Winfred Tires’ versatility. [ everyone looks through their packets with a hint of confusion in their actions ] Uh, we feel that, uh, that the consumers need to know that the all-weather radial — [ Janice raises her hand ] Uh – question. Yes?
Janice: Yes, um – I must be missing something, because my packet is empty.
Rob: [ chuckles ] Yes. So is – mine is, too.
Jim: [ nervously ] Oh – no. No, no. I-I-I’m sure the packet’s in there.
Dave: Well, actually, Jim, I don’t have anything, either.
Jim: Well.. I-I know I put the packet in the folders —
Rob: Well.. I just have these two blank pieces of paper.
[ Jim covers his face with his hands, smiles meekly, then begins to sob loudly ]
Dave: Jim? [ Jim continues to sob – a little louder with a fury that begins to bubble over ] Did you – do you not come up with a presentation?
Jim: [ shakes his head as he cries ] No.
Dave: Why didn’t you?
Jim: [ anger now accompanies his tears ] I – I didn’t want to!
Dave: Did you – did you even attempt to come up with a presentation?
Jim: YES!! [ a pause before his cries begin to resonate across the room ]
Rob: Maybe we should leave.
Dave: [ waves his hand ] No. No, no. This has happened before.
Jim: [ attempts to speak between his jagged sobs ] I-I – I – was – ‘nt – at – home – and – I was – talking about winfred tires – and I got mad – because I thought it was too hard – and I didn’t want to do it!
Dave: What – what- what was hard about it?
Jim: I don’t know! It was just ha-ard!!
Dave: Jim!
Jim: Yeah? [ looks away from Dave ]
Dave: Jim? Jim, look at me!
Jim: [ turns to look as he cries uncontrollably ] Yea-ah?
Dave: We have GOT to give this presentation! What can I do – what can I do to help you give this presentation?
Jim: [ points to Janice as he whines ] I want that lady to leave!
Dave: You mean Janice?
Jim: Yeah. Janice!
Dave: Why? Why do you want Janice to leave?
Jim: She looks angry! [ sobs wildly ]
Janice: [ speaks to Jim in a reassuring tone ] I’m not. I’m not angry.
Dave: No! No! Janice isn’t leaving!
Jim: [ whines ] Why not?!
Dave: Jan-ice is the cli-ent! She’s not leaving!
Jim: I don’t LIKE her!
Dave: Well, I’m sorry!
Jim: [ furious ] You’re not my boss any more, because you eat POO!! [ throws his packet across the room and cries ]
Dave: Okay, okay, you know what? I’m gonna give the presentation!
Jim: No! I WANT TO GIVE IT!!
Dave: Okay! Well, then you stand up and you give the presentation!
Jim: I don’t LIKE you-hoo-hoo!
Dave: Stop it, stop it now! Stop it! [ Jim cries harder ] Do you want a juice box?
Jim: [ in between tears ] Yes.
[ Dave hands Jim a juice box. Jim continues to cry, in muffled tones, as he frantically sips from the juicebox. ]
Jim: Grape. It’s good.
Dave: I know. You like grape.
Jim: Y-yeah.. yeah. [ calms himself down at long last ] Win-fred Tires are the best – because they sat-is-fy – the needs of many demographic groups. With that theory in mind – we would establish a comprehensive campaign that would – fulfill and successfully ex-plote —
Dave: [ helping Jim ] Ex-ploit. Sound it out.
Jim: Ex- ex-ploit – those – consumer markets.
Rob: [ impressed ] Wow! That is actually the strategy that we’ve been looking for.
Janice: Yes.
Rob: I’m sold. Thank you.
Janice: [ to Jim ] That wasn’t so hard, now was it?
Jim: [ shakes his head No, as he continues to sip from his juice box ] No.
Dave: [ stands ] I’m glad you feel confident in our approach, and I’ll send the paperwork over tomorrow morning.
Janice: Great! Excellent. [ she and Rob stand ]
Rob: Thank you.
Janice: Thank you so much.
Rob: Bye bye.
Janice: Thank you.
Rob: Thanks. Good morning.
Janice: Good morning.
[ Rob and Janice exit the office; Dave closes the door behind them ]
Jim: Whew! Wow, what a bunch of anuses!
Dave: Yeah! Nice job. Come on, let’s go get a lap dance.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 15 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
March 13th, 1999 Ray Romano The Corrs None Peter Boyle Doris Roberts Barbara Walters Tries Phone SexSummary: Inspired by her interview with Monica Lewinsky, Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri) phones fellow public figures with the hopes of initiating phone sex. Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Tom Bokaw, Sean Connery, Hillary Clinton.
Montage
Ray Romano’s MonologueSummary: Ray Romano’s stand-up performance about his children is interrupted by TV parents Peter Boyle and Doris Roberts, who come bearing clips of themselves. Transcript
SportsCenterSummary: New sports anchor Chet Harper’s (Ray Romano) catch phrases aren’t as successful as those used by Stuart Scott (Tim Meadows). Recurring Characters: Stuart Scott, Chet Harper. Transcript
VH-1 Behind the Music: Meat LoafSummary: Meat Loaf (Horatio Sanz) mentions other warning signs that he plans to turn into songs. Recurring Characters: Meat Loaf
Roberto Benigni at Carnabie’sSummary: Diners at Carnabie’s Restaurant don’t seem to mind the obnoxious antics of Roberto Benigni (Ray Romano) when he makes a surprise visit. Transcript
Pimp ChatSummary: New York cop Pretty Tony (Ray Romano) chats with Bishop Don “Mack” Donald (Tracy Morgan) and Pimpin’ Kyle (Tim Meadows). Recurring Characters: Bishop Don “Mack” Donald, Pimpin’ Kyle.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Monica Lewinsky (Molly Shannon) can’t stop laughing while discussing her book. Cheri Oteri uses a Barbie doll to illustrate the troubled history of women. Recurring Characters: Monica Lewinsky. Transcript
The Corrs perform “What Can I Do?”
Suel ForrestorSummary: NCAA coach Suel Forrestor (Chris Kattan) mumbles while delivering a pep talk to his team. Recurring Characters: Suel Forrestor.
The Big BabySummary: Salesman Jim Lasterbick (Will Ferrell) breaks down and cries like a baby when his ad campaign goes awry. Transcript
The Corrs perform “So Young”
Petracelli’s DreamsSummary: While hiding in a foxhole during World War II, Petracelli (Ray Romano) tells his fellow soldiers of the plans he has in store for after the war. Transcript
[Opens with two couples entering the living room after dinner. Sam and Jane are the hosts, Jim and Nancy are the guests]
Jim: Wow, I’m stuffed Jane. That meatloaf was delicious.
Jane: Well, actually it was fillet of sole.
Jim: Well, whatever it was, it was delicious.
Jane: Sam, why don’t you find us a game to play?
Sam: All right. Say Janey, did I mention that Jim was the number one salesman in the office this month? I can say it, I ought to know, I was number two.
Jim: Come on, Sam. I just got lucky. Anything can happen next month.
Sam: [serious] You got that right. All right, I thought maybe tonight we played Yahtzee.
Nancy: Gosh, Yahtzee. Wow, we haven’t played this in years.
Sam: There you go. It’s a Milton Bradley classic. Here’s your scoreboards and your pencils. And we’re gonna get ready for a little bit of Yahtzee!
Sam and Jane: [face to face, intense] Yahtzee! Yahtzee! Yahtzee! Yahtzee! Yahhhhhh-tzee!!!
Jim: [surprised] Wow, you guys sure love your Yahtzee.
Sam: Ok. House rules. Visitors go first.
Jim: Oh, go ahead Nancy.
Nancy: Oh, okeydoke. [throws dice]
Sam:[too cheerful] Oh! Two fives! You haven’t played in a while.
Nancy: I still have a couple of rolls. [throws dice]
Sam: Still two fives!
Jane: Nothing! Lame-o!
Sam: Come on.
Nancy: One more try, ok. [throws dice]
Sam: Haha! Still two fives! Nice. [gives dice to Jane] Ok, girl. Ok, you do it. Come on! I married a winner! I married a winner! Come on, give it to me!
Jane: [throws dice] Whooo! Two fives! [gets up and sits down dramatically] That felt GOOD! YEAH!
Sam: Stay focused, stay focused.
Jane: Ok. [shakes dice] I’m gonna shred these punks![throws dice]
Sam: Come on baby!
Sam and Jane: YAHTZEE! YAHTZEE! YAHTZEE! YAHTZEE! YAHTZEE!
[Jane kisses Sam on the mouth. Dry humps him]
Jane: Mmmmm.[moans of pleasure]
Jim: [a little creeped out] Good for you, guys. Yeah, good.
Sam: Ok, all right. You guys go ahead. [gives dice to Jim] Yahtzee. And the salesman of the month’s turn. [mocking laugh]
[Jim throws the dice]
Jane: Ah, two threes. Wah-wah.
Jim: Hey, I bet you I can get at least two more threes right here. [dice rolls]
Sam: Oh, still two threes! Too bad. Hey, you really want to bet on that? Maybe we’ll bet like a $1,000 that you get two more threes on this last roll?
Jim: Come on, Sam.
Sam: No, no, no. Let’s do the Christmas bonus. Christmas bonus on the last roll! Two threes, ok? Come on, you’re number one!
Jim: I’m not gonna bet, ok?
Sam: Bet number one! Come on! You’re a guest!
[Jim rolls the dice]
Nancy: Oh, my God! You did it!
Jim: Yes! Hey, this is a fun game.
[Sam and Jane are devastated]
Sam: [inhales deeply] Don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it.
Jim: [offering the dice to Sam] Here you go, buddy.
Sam: Just put it down, Jim. Put it down, thank you.
Jane: Ok, you can do it. He’s weak. Come on baby. You can smell it.
Sam: [rolls the dice] Sixes and fives. Ok, I’m going sixes. [rolls again] Fives! Damn! Ok, I’ll go fives, I’ll go fives.
Jane: Kick his ass, kick his ass.
Sam: [rolls dice] Sixes! [gets up and with a swipe of his hand destroys a vase and a lamp over his fireplace]
[Jim and Nancy are horrified]
Nancy: I-I-I….I guess its my turn?
Jim: Yeah, I think.
Nancy: [rolls dice] Oh, my God! Yahtzee, Yahtzee!
Jane: What are you? Some kind of witch or something? Did you fix the game? Huh? What are you trying to do here? Huh?
[Sam flips the table clearing it]
Sam: You win! You win at Yahtzee! Great game. Let’s play charades. Ok, Charades! Ready? [puts on the clock]
[Imitates a cameraman]
Jane: It’s a movie! [Sam’s marches in place] Army! Army! [Sam holds up his breasts] “Private Benjamin!”
[Sam quickly changes places with Jane. Jane imitates a singer]
Jane: La,la,la,la…
Sam: Song, song, song, song, [Jane puts on horns] Horny devil, “Devil came down on Georgia!” Eleven seconds! Your turn.
Jim: This is just getting creepy.
Sam: Too creepy? Ok, forget Charades. [throws clock out and kneels on the table for an arm wrestling match] Let’s go. You and me. Let’s go right now.
Jim: Come on, just cool out Sam. This is suppose to be a fun night.
Sam: Come on, you’re a big guy. Let’s—all right, you want fun? I got fun for you. [takes a gun out] Here’s a game we play here. It’s called–it’s called Russian roulette. [takes the bullets out, puts one bullet in, spins the cylinder, gives it to Nancy] House rules. Ladies first.
[Jim and Nancy go to the door scared]
Jim: Ok, you know Sam, it’s getting late. We’ve got a new babysitter….
Sam: A new babysitter? Well, break her in!
Jane: You didn’t have any dessert!
Nancy: Thank you for dinner. Thanks so much.
Sam: You’re not leaving just cause I got a wife who’s decent and kind and you got a whore for a wife?
Jim: Oh, come on Sam! I’ll see you at work…
Jane: Here’s your dessert!!![throws a big cake at Jim, he stumbles out the door, Sam closes the door]
Sam: [looks at the gun] You still want to play?
Jane: Yeah, I’ll play.
Sam: Nah, you know, they’re nice folks but they never offer to clean up.
…..Colin Quinn President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond …..Bill Murray
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Ho ho, thank you, folks! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! I’m Colin Quinn. Thank you.
Earlier this week, President Clinton flew to Mexico for meetings with President Ernesto Zedillo. What a perfect way for Clinton to show he’s a changed man; he goes on spring break.
The race for Senate in New York is heating up. Mayor Rudy Giuliani took a shot at Hillary Clinton yesterday, saying she made a big mistake by endorsing a Palestinian state. She responded by saying, “Who cares? Mistakes run in the family.” [photo of Bill Clinton]
Juanita Hickey Broaddrick is the latest woman to come forward to claim she was sexually assaulted by the President. In an interview in today’s Washington Post, she claims that in 1978 in a Little Rock hotel room, Clinton bit her lips, tore her pantyhose, and forced her to have sex with him. [photo of Marv Albert with accompanying audio clip of his trademark “Yes!” interjection]
When asked for comment, President Clinton said he couldn’t have committed these acts because on the date in question, he was sexually harassing Paula Jones in another hotel across town.
This week, Boris Yeltsin warned President Clinton not to launch air strikes against Yugoslavia, even if they fail to reach peace with Kosovo rebels. Yeltsin received no response to his threat, however, because he was talking to a coat stand with a hat on it.
Yeltsin also met with officials from the European Union this week to discuss plans for reviving Russia’s failing economy. So far, the only plan they came up with was a Yakov Smirnoff pay-per-view special.
In her – in her interview with Larry King, Linda Tripp said if she could meet Monica Lewinsky again, she would want to give her a hug. This would be a classic case of adding injury to insult. Actually, Tripp said she would hug Monica very tight, then Tripp would unhinge her jaw and swallow her whole. [applause]
Animal rights activists in England are protesting Buckingham Palace, claiming that the royal horses are doped up, so that they’ll be calm and obedient during public events….The White House has been doing the same thing [photo of Al Gore] for years.
According to a poll in The New York Post, if Hillary Clinton were to run against Pre – for President against Elizabeth Dole, Dole would win in a landslide. But, if Hillary Clinton and Liddy Dole were to wrestle, Hillary would have the advantage because of her mean spirit and powerful legs. [close, doctored view of Hillary’s chunky legs]
Well!…The White House scandal is finally behind us now, and we’re officially talked out; there’s absolutely nothing left to say….Unless, of course, you are the President of the United States. Please welcome President Bill Clinton!
[pan over to a sad President Clinton]
Bill Clinton: Hey, Colin. [Colin chuckles] How you doin’?
Colin: What’s wrong, Mr. President? You seem down.
Bill Clinton: Yeah, well, I am down, Colin. I was reading the paper lately, and I – I’ve noticed something that made me very sad. Very sad, indeed….I’m not in the papers. There used to be a lot of stories about me. Remember when the whole thing broke and I tried to lie about it? [laughs, then shakes his head]…It was so much fun! Every paper had a picture of me! Jay Leno was telling all those funny jokes. I was a real superstar there for a while. [shakes his head]…But not any more. Not any more.
[back to normal] I’m gonna tell you what, Colin. If I didn’t know better, I’d say people like me more when I’m screwin’ up. I was better off when I was smoking pot in England and grabbin’ ass in the White House. You know, Huey P. Long once said the only way he could lose an election was if they caught him in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. If you promise to like me, I’ll do both those things! [some applause]…God, I would. In fact, how do you know I haven’t already? There’s a lot of stuff you people don’t know about me! Dig around! You’ll find something! Ask any trashy waitress in Little Rock, they all have Bill Clinton stories! But I can’t do the work for you!…I can promise you I’ve done some messed up stuff. There’s people who know about it, America. Go find them! Let’s do this impeachment thing all over again! I swear there’s enough out there.
Maybe…hey! Maybe I had sex with my wife! I don’t know. It might have happened! Might not have happened! I– Hell, I was high most of the time!…[sad] But there’s gotta be more stuff out there, Colin! And I know there is.
Colin: What about this Juanita Broaddrick lady? Th – that’s making the papers now. She claims you forced her to have sex.
Bill Clinton: Well, there you go!…[imitating his famous quote] I did not have sexual relations with that woman. [cheers and applause]…[laughs] See – see what I mean? I mean…it – it’s that easy! [Colin laughs] See?
You’ll see, and whatever you do, guff, I promise you I will lie about it, I will do this [gives a thumbs-up], I will do this [wrinkles his forehead and sucks in his bottom lip], I will do them both together! [does thumbs-up and facial expression at the same time; cheers and applause]…Everything is great. God bless you, America. And Colin, thank you.
Colin: Bill Clinton, everybody!
Calvin Klein’s new ad campaign featuring kids wearing his new line of children’s underwear has created a controversy. However, a spokesman for Calvin Klein said the original ad was much more controversial. [doctored photo of Teletubby Tinky-Winky wearing underwear]
The Army may start reaching out to high school dropouts in an attempt to bolster recruitment. “We’re looking for a few good…okay, forget it. Come on, dumbass, get in the truck.”…Just what we need, an equivalency army.
More than two million people jammed New Orleans for Mardi Gras this week, the festival of excessive eating, drinking, and sex. Which ends with the beginning of Lent, the Catholic 12-step program.
Eric Clapton is selling off most of his guitar collection to raise money for a drug abuse center in Antigua. Meanwhile, somewhere in Jersey, there’s a kid selling pot to raise money for a guitar. It’s a crazy world, ain’t it, folks?
Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots has pleaded guilty to possession of heroin. He was given a harsh sentence of five to ten VH1 “Where Are They Now?”s.
Bill Clinton is among the 118 people nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. The nominators say Clinton has helped to contribute to world peace. Upon hearing this, Saddam Hussein responded from un – under a pile of rubble, “Hello-ooo! Don’t you people have CNN?”
Gwyneth Paltrow is the frontrunner for the Best Actress Oscar, accoring to Las Vegas bookies. They say she’ll win for her role in Shakespeare in Love because, quote, “She is a classy broad, and Shakespeare is good people.”
And now, a feature long-absent from “Weekend Update,” it’s “Celebrity Corner” with Oscar picks from our old friend, Bill Murray!
[pan over to Bill]
Bill Murray: Thanks, Colin. Nice job. You’re doing great.
Colin: Thank you.
[Bill reaches under the desk and brings out a dry-erase board. The board is filled with small magnets containing five Oscar categories along with five nominees in each category.]
Thanks. Well…let’s get right to it.
Uh, for Best Actor, Bobby Benigni….Well, I don’t think so. The Italians don’t rule Hollywood anymore, they never did, but they did have that one great week when the guy got the horse head in the bed. [removes Roberto Benigni from the board]
Uh…then we got, uh…Ian McKellen. He’s a British guy playing a gay guy, which is, you know…it’s just too much of a stretch. [Colin laughs]…You know, a British actor playing gay, I don’t buy it, I don’t think the Academy’s gonna buy it. [removes Ian McKellen from the board]
Uh, Ed Norton carved a swastika in his chest for his nomination. The Academy’s got to respect that, but I don’t think they’ll give him the award. I think they just want to hang with him and party with him. They think he’s a neat guy. [removes Ed Norton from the board]
Uh, Tom Hanks, this would be three Oscars for Tom. He would be just unbearable, wouldn’t he? I [Colin laughs] mean…he gets up there when he wins, he makes absolutely no sense. Three, and he would just be completely worthless, I think. I mean, I – I don’t think the – the Academy wants to risk that, and uh, I – I think, uh…I – I – I don’t think we should take the chance. We need him, in the Senate. [removes Tom Hanks from the board]
Finally, Nick Nolte, uh…there’s a lot of, uh, friends of Bill W. out there in Hollywood. You know, a lot of Al-Anon guys trying to come back and, you know, Nick has lived a good life, and he continues to have a good time, and they look at Nick and say, “Geez, this guy could be one of us, if only!” You know? I think they’ll give him the nomination, not ’cause they like his performance, but it’ll give him a chance to surround him and perhaps stage an intervention. I’m giving it to Nick Nolte. [Colin laughs]
For Best Actress, uh…[clears throat] you gotta – you gotta like Fernanda Montenegro and his, uh, Chrysler– her Chrysler Cordoba ads and Fantasy Island. I mean…but I – I think that’s enough just to be [removes Fernanda Montenegro from the board] nominated there.
Uh, Meryl Streep made a terrible choice, uh, by speaking, uh, English with an American accent. You know? The Academy’s not gonna trust that, they know she’s a foreigner, she’s some sort of a Czech or an Australian…or a– she’s an Israeli, or she’s mixed. Anyway, we know that’s not to be trusted. [removes Meryl Streep from the board]
Uh, Kate– Uh, Emily Watson is English, Cate, uh Blanchett is English, and Gwyneth Paltrow is English. Or ask Tom. But see, that’s just it. She’s an American with an English accent in this film. And the Academy loves Brits, but I think what’s gonna happen is they’re gonna get confused, and they’ll, uh…they’ll end up thinking, you know, uh, w – they’re gonna go and give it to Paltrow and say, “Oh! Oh! She was so convincing with Tom, we – we thought she was British!” You know [removes Emily Watson and Cate Blanchett from the board; no reaction]…I had a little trouble with that joke. [cheers and applause]…But, but, you know, hey! But I’m speaking my own language. And I understand it! [Colin laughs]
For Best, uh, Supporting Actor and Actress, well, I know a little bit about this category, and if you say it once, you gotta believe it. Who really cares [starts removing Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress categories and their nominees from the board] about this award, anyway? [applause]
Let’s move on to the Best…so that brings you to the Best Picture….[moves the Best Picture category and its nominees over] And we’re over here with these clowns, here. And, uh…it comes down to this, doesn’t us? It– Doesn’t it? It comes down to…[moves The Thin Red Line, Life Is Beautiful, and Saving Private Ryan aside] us: The Thin Red Line, Saving Private Ryan, you know, Life Is Beautiful. I mean, we liberated the concentration camps, and [points to Shakespeare in Love and Elizabeth]them: the English again. Look at this stuff. Elizabeth and uh, Elizabeth. You know what I mean? So we got three World War II movies, two Elizabethan English movies, and the Brits, they all vote for themselves in the Academy, it’s terrible. We never went over there, but they’re gonna vote for theirs, and they’re gonna win, it’s gonna be a real pain and everything. They vote, so they can stay in this country, and not pick up checks or pay for a drink. They haven’t picked up a drink check since they got kicked out of this damn country 200 years ago! It’s the truth! [applause] Seriously! You want to hear something funny, just ask the waiters saying, “Here’s your check,” and you’ll hear a British person say, “Excuse me, where’s the loo?” This is true. [Colin laughs]…So what’s gonna happen is…we’ll just fight it out, our votes [removes The Thin Red Line, Life Is Beautiful, and Saving Private Ryan from the board] will all get cancelled out, and it’ll come down to these two, and this is where the real problem is. Okay? ‘Cause right away, we’ve got these two things here. We’ve got the Shakespeare in Love and Elizabeth. And the thing you’ve got to remember is that…God, it still gets to me, you know? These people would be speaking German if we didn’t bail ’em out in World War II! [shakes his head]…You know, they speak it so great! How would it be with a German accent? [little reaction]…All right. Um…but, so this will come down to these two ones, and I think what’s gonna happen is the Academy’s gonna be so confused with whether the – what – what country this is all about, that they’re basically gonna remember that…the Academy is Hollywood. And they’re just gonna [points to Shakespeare in Love] go with the blonde. [removes Elizabeth from the board; Colin laughs]
That’s my list. All right. [puts down the board]
Colin: Bill Murray, everybody! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
Bill Murray: How bout that band, huh? Thank you very much! Its great — you all made it in. Thank you so much!
What a night for you to be here, because something has happened to me that has changed my life! Quite frankly, I didnt know how I was going to do it for you, folks. I have this incredible gift, and I dont know where it lives in me. I dont know where it is and I dont know where to find it. You know what Im saying? Anyone?
And, I didnt feel it tonight when I was getting ready hours ago. I was like, Oh, God! My roots are in the legitimate theater, and its the juice that reorients and rejuvenates me. So, I did what I did in the old days: I go, Okay — theres nothing!
So, Id run out over to Broadway and Id walk in into a theater. What? I didnt care! And Id just close em, and let it come. And, then, Im charged up again! But, tonight, I saw something that has changed my life forever — and this time, for the good.
I was literally blown away by a play called Footloose: The Musical . Apparently, this play is based on a film I havent seen — but now I want too! But seeing the show is the most profound experience of my life, except for the birth of my first son Umm You know what? Im think Im just gonna call him Footloose.
Its about a kid whos from Chicago. He goes to a small town. Now, in Chicago, he had no trouble dancing whenever he wanted too. Because this guys gotta dance, you know?
So, he goes to this small town and theres this minister. And John Lithgow — he can be so evil! In the movie, he thinks dancing is a sin, you know? And in this town, they outlaw dancing. They actually outlaw dancing!
[ The lights on Home Base dim. ]
Bill Murray: How could you do that? Outlaw dancing in this country. This country was built upon the dance! It happens only here; now you know why we have to see this play!
Because what they tried to do to this kid — to lock him up. Thats the same feeling I got: Oh, My God! I was locked up! I didnt have anything for you tonight Thats what happened to me!
And when that kids on the stage!? Argh! The big guy keeps pushing the little guy! You know what Im saying! They tried to lock it up!
[ The SNL Band starts playing Kenny Loggins Footloose.]
[ The lights return to their regular setting. ]
Bill Murray: [singing] You just gotta cut loose Footloose!
[ Bill is tossed a microphone OFF-SCREEN. ]
Bill Murray: [singing] Kick off your Sunday shoes Please, Louise pull me offa my knees Whoa, Milo c’mon, c’mon let’s go Everybody everybody cut footloose!
[ Bill drops to his knees, pops back up, and tosses away the microphone. ]
[ Cheers and applause from the audience. ]
[ Bill grabs the boom microphone over his head. ]
Bill Murray: Yeah, thats right! Same thing happened to me thats happening to you right now. Cmon, we dont need any partisan grief! We got any Democrats here tonight? Cmon, lets hear it!
[ The audience members to the right of Home Base cheer and applaud. ]
Bill Murray: Any Republicans? Any of you folks here tonight?
[ The audience members to the left of Home Base cheer and applaud. ]
Bill Murray: Footloose! Everybodys gotta cut a little footloose tonight!
[ The SNL Band starts playing Ella Mae Bowens Holding Out For a Hero.]
[ Still holding the boom microphone, Bill climbs to the near top of Home Base. ]
Bill Murray: [singing] We need a hero Were holding out for a hero Till the morning light.
Hes gotta be strong Hes gotta be fast And hes gotta be larger than life Larger than life.
[ Bill climbs down, does a little dance, and is tossed back the microphone. He uses both it and the boom. ]
[ The SNL Band resumes playing Footloose.]
Bill Murray: Weve got a great show! Lucinda Williams is here to sing for you!
Bill Murray: [singing] Footloose! Kick off your Sunday shoes!
[ Bill dances to the CAMERA, turns his head sideways, flicks his hair, and then dances offstage. ]
[fade up to Leon Phelps sitting in his room with “The Ladies’ Man” superimposed; lights are down]
Voiceover: Oh yeah! It’s time for The Ladies’ Man!
[title fades out, lights come up]
Leon Phelps: Yeah! What is happenin’? And welcome to “The Ladies’ Man”! The loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries. How y’all doin’? I’m Leon Phelps. I am doin’ all right. I got my [shows his bottle of Courvoisier] Courvoisier right here! That’s right!
You know, one of the questions that I am most frequently asked besides “Is that a replica of the Maltese Falcon in your pants?”…is “Leon, how do you pick up the ladies?” So many people have asked me this, that I have started teaching a seminar in the vacant lot behind the Arby’s, and it is called [shows a poster that has a picture of Leon naked in bed with a woman; above the picture it says “free class,” while below it says “Doing It the Leon Phelps Way/free refreshments/Wells St. Community Center] “Doing It the Leon Phelps Way.”…Well, tonight, I would like to demonstrate the methods that I teach in my class, which, if properly u – used, will help to get you more tang than the astronauts. That’s right. So follow me, and we will get [grabs his glass of Courvoisier and walks over to a makeshift bar] started, all right?
Now, I can’t show you, uh, how to pick up the ladies without a lady, and that’s why I’ve asked the, uh, help of, tonight, for my good friend, supermodel Stephanie Seymour. [claps; applause for Stephanie as she walks in, puts his arm around Leon and kisses him on the cheek]…Mmm! Yeah! Now this is more like it! [laughs] How you doin’?
Stephanie Seymour: I feel all right.
Leon: [rubs his hand up and down Stephanie’s side] Yeah, you sure do! [Stephanie laughs]…Now, unless you happen to be Leon Phelps, I suggest that you set your, uh, sights a little bit lower, all right?
Now, then…a classy first line can be the difference between [he and Stephanie sit down at the bar] a night of romance or a vicious knee to the groin. So please watch as I demonstrate to you the right way to deliver a first line, in what I like to call “A Means to Her [fade up name of first lesson] End.”
[a children’s choir sings the name of the lesson; fade out name of lesson]
So, uh…how you doin’ there, sweet thing? Uh, say, is your father a meat burglar?
Stephanie: No. Why do you ask?
Leon: ‘Cause, uh, he must’ve stolen two mighty fine hams and put ’em down the back of your pants!
Stephanie: Oh, that is so sweet!
Leon: And freeze!…There! You see, I wrote that line. The ladies love poetry.
Stephanie: You know, I studied poetry at the Sorbonne.
Leon: The Sorbonne? [suggestively] Hm hm!…Yeah, I know somethin’ about a sore bone! [laughs]
Now, you see what I just did there? I loosened things up with a little bit of levity. Now – now watch how I show our lady that I have a sense of humor in a little lesson that I call “Slipping Her [fade up name of second lesson] the Funny Bone.”
[children’s choir sings the name of the lesson; fade out name of lesson]
So uh, anyways, uh, have you heard this one? Knock-knock!
Stephanie: Who’s there?
Leon: Seymour!
Stephanie: Seymour who?
Leon: I could Seymour o’ your ass if you took off your pants, please! [he and Stephanie laugh]
Stephanie: I love you. What do you say we go back to my place and have sex?
Leon:Your place? No, no, no, not on the first date, baby. Why don’t we just go have sex in the toilet?
Stephanie: Okay.
Leon: All right?
Stephanie: All right!
Leon: All right, right this way!
[Leon takes Stephanie’s hand; they get up from the bar and walk into a bathroom. Leon closes the door when they get in.]
Aaand [he and Stephanie grab each other] freeze! All right! Sex in the toilet. The end to a perfect evening. I mean, what could be finer? A painting by Mona Lisa? A symphony by that guy, Symphonius? A fine Mexican wine? Nay, nay! But it’s not all over just yet. Now it is time to call the relationship off. But check out how a true ladies’ man will perform this very difficult task.
[Leon and Stephanie pretend to have sex and have an orgasm.]
Oh! Yeah!
Stephanie: That was great!
Leon: Oh my God, that was wonderful!
Stephanie: Leon, what do you say we…what do you say we go…take you home and introduce you to my parents?
Leon: Uh, listen. I got a better idea. Why don’t you go pay the check, and I’ll sneak out the bathroom window?
Stephanie: Okay.
Leon: And freeze! Well, there you have it. A hasty retreat through the bathroom window, or if there is no bathroom window, you can simply hide in the garbage can and be taken out with the trash.
Stephanie: Good idea.
Leon: Yeah! Now that brings us to a close, but you follow these tips, and your night will go as smoothly and as quickly as my bottle [Stephanie grabs Leon’s bottle of Courvoisier] of Courvoisier. But if you ever get a loss to what to say to your lady, you can always fall back on “Live from New York…
Announcer: You’re a white male between the ages of 15 to 41, chances are you love quoting lines from “Caddyshack”.
[Four yuppies stand on a busy sidewalk]
Yuppie 1: [laughing] Remember when that one guy goes: “Miss it, Noonan! Miss it! Miss it!” That rules!
Yuppie 2: : No, no, no…Rodney’s the best: “You bought a hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of soup! Looks good on you, though.”
Yuppie 3: “I want a hamburger, no, a cheeseburger, I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake–“
Yuppie 1 and 2: “You”ll get nothing and like it!” [laughs]
Yuppie 4: Oh, man. I love Caddyshack. [unsure] Hey, remember when all the caddies were like: “uuummm…Meatballs?” I don’t remember exactly how it went…it was awesome.
Yuppie 1: Dude, are you gay?
Yuppie 3: What’s up with that?
[Bill Murray is watching the scene with the yuppies on TV]
Bill Murray: Hello. I’m Bill “Caddyshack” Murray. Let’s face it. In today’s fast-paced high-powered workplace not being able to quote Caddyshack” will cost you quite a few opportunities. The secret language of American business is peppered with quotes from this classic 1980 comedy written by my brother Brian and two other guys. That’s why I’m here to offer you, The Quotable Caddyshack. [big brown leather book] Its the definitive source for all your quote needs. You get the complete original screenplay hand lettered in vellum. Bound in fine Italian leather. Its a stunning addition to any home library and an invaluable reference tool to a young executive.
[Yuppie 3 interviews a job applicant in an office]
Yuppie 3: Tell me something about yourself that’s not on your resume.
Job applicant: Well,[imitating Carl Spackler] “its a Cinderella story, this unknown coming out of nowhere to lead the pack at Augusta.”
Yuppie 3: Ha ha ha…that’s terrific! You’re hired. [shake hands]
[back to Bill]
Bill Murray: The Quotable Caddyshack can also help you find the perfect quote for any occasion. To commencement speeches, to writing your own wedding vows.
[cut to a wedding]
Yuppie 2: I take you Karen, to be my lawfully wedded wife [imitating Carl Spackler again] “because you’re lean, you’re mean and nothing fine in between, you know what I’m saying?” [kisses Karen]
Priest: [as Rodney’s Al Czervik] “We’re all gonna get laid!”
Bill Murray: Call now and you’ll also get Hollywood’s Chevy Chase.
[Chevy joins Bill dressed as playboy Ty Webb, golf club in hand]
Chevy Chase: Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!
Bill Murray: No, no, no. That’s “Animal House”, buddy. We weren’t in that one. That’s right.
Chevy Chase: Yes, all right. [as Ty Webb] “Be the ball, Danny” Nananana, dadadada, nananana, dadada.
Bill Murray: [as Carl Spackler] So, where are you living now Ty? You over there on the Briar? Yeah, Briar.”
Chevy Chase: [as Ty] “On Briar, too.”
Bill Murray: “You got a pool over there?”
Chevy Chase: “Oh, yeah. We got a pool in the back. We got a pond and a pool. Pool would be good for you.”
Bill Murray: [correcting Chevy with the book] No, uh-huh, actually Chevy…I think “the pond would be good for me.”
[dry, fake laughs]
Bill Murray: So, order The Quotable Caddyshack now. 30% of the profits go to the Ted Knight Slow Burn Foundation. The other 70% goes to me. So, [as Carl Spackler] “I got that going for me….which is nice.”
Drunken Maniac….Horatio Sanz David….Chris Parnell Male Guest….Bill Murray Female Guest….Ana Gasteyer Punched Guy….Will Ferrell Man in Bear Costume….Jimmy Fallon
[Opens with a very elegant, very uber fashionableapartment. There is a party, everyone is dressed inthe latest fashion clothes. 15 guests more or less arearound with drinks on their hands. A female guestmakes a toast]
Female Guest: I want to take this time andcongratulate David on his new spring line.
[some applause]
David: Thank you. Thank you all so much for yoursupport. It really means a lot to me. Ummm, go back tohaving fun.[laughs]
Female Guest: It really was a great show.
David: Thank you.
Female Guest: And your apartment looks so great. Ilove it.
David: Yeah, it’s getting there, yeah.
[A guy in a jean jacket screams to a group of goodlooking women]
Drunk Maniac: YOU CAN ALL KISS MY ASS!!!
David: I guess somebody doesn’t like it.[laughs]
Drunk Maniac:[breaks bottle]I WANT MORE BOOZE!!
David: Ok, what’s going over there?
Male Guest: Hey, I’m really sorry about his.
David: Is he drunk?
Male Guest: Yeah, well, a little, but he’s a very dear friend.
Drunk Maniac: YOU PEOPLE DON’T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS!!!!
[crashing noise, glass breaking]
David: Ok, I want him out of here.
Male Guest: Listen, I think you should know this. Hisparents were eaten by a bear.
Female Guest: Oh, my God! That is horrible!
David: Oh, I had no idea.
Male Guest: He’s going through a very, very rough time.
[Drunken maniac stands beside them]
Drunk Maniac: A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!
David: I’m sorry about what happened.
Male Guest: We’re gonna get you through this, man. Come on.
Drunk Maniac: It just wouldn’t stop eating them!! Itwouldn’t stop!![takes a picture from thewall]AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!A BEARATE MY PARENTS!!!![Destroys the painting, cries loudly]
David: Shouldn’t we take him outside?
Male Guest: Oh, yeah. That’s the best treatment forsomeone whose parents were eaten by a bear. Kick himoutside. Where the bears are!
David: I’m very sorry.
[Drunken maniac stops a guest]
Drunk Maniac: I love them and a BEAR ATE THEM!!!!
[Punches the guy in the face, knocks plant over]
David: How did this happened?
Male Guest: Well, he only talks about them when he’sdrunk. But I sort of pieced together the story fromhis drunken ramblings. Oh, no….
[Drunken maniac is taking a piss in a potted plant]
Drunk Maniac: A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!
Male Guest: He was home with his parents late at nightwatching TV and suddenly this huge grizzly bearsmashes through the sliding glass door.
Drunk Maniac: We should’ve gone out that night!!
[throws heavy object into the TV screen, TV explodes]
Male Guest: He was completely paralyzed with fear. Hesat there for two and half hours while this bear ate his parents.
Female Guest: Oh, that’s awful!
Male Guest: No one and I mean no one!! Should have towatch his parents being eaten by a bear.
David: Well, I wasn’t arguing with you.
Male Guest: Well, it sounded like you were!
Drunk Maniac: MAKE THE BEAR GO AWAY!!!
[Throws statue into glass table smashing it to pieces]
Male Guest: It’s all right everybody. His parents were eaten by a bear.
Crowd: Awwwwwww!![understanding responses]
Drunk Maniac: It should’ve been me![cries]
David: Now, don’t say that. That’s not true![comforts him]
Drunk Maniac: My parents are in the stomach of a bear!
Male Guest: We’re here for you, buddy. We’rehere.[comforts him too]
Drunk Maniac: The bear, the bear….used my parentsfor calories so he could run and climb. But my parentswere much more than bear calories. THEY WERE MYPARENTS!![cries loudly, more comfort towards him]
David: Listen, why don’t you sit on my couch? And Ican get you some coffee or something. Ok?
[They go to the couch]
Drunk Maniac: I WANT TO THROW THIS DAMN COUCH OUT THE WINDOW!!!
David: No, please!
Drunk Maniac: COME ON! LET’S DO IT!!
[Starts lifting the couch and some people help him lift it]
David: Oh, my God! Why are you helping him?
Punched guy: His parents were eaten by a bear!
Female Guest: Good God, David! I’ll pay for yourprecious couch if you want! It’s no big deal.
Drunk Maniac: NO MORE BEARS!!
[With a little help from his friends he throws thecouch out the window, falling down whistle, crashing below sounds]
Drunk Maniac: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! A BEAR ATE MYPARENTS!![He’s hugged by male guest]
Male Guest: Oh, let it out. Let it all out!
David: He’s obviously going through a lot of pain.When did this happen?
Male Guest: 22 years ago this week.
David: What?!
Drunk Maniac: I WANT TO TAKE A DUMP ON THE STEREO!!
Male Guest: What? Is there a time limit on this kind of thing?
David: Yes!
Male Guest: I suppose the fact that they were only histemporary foster parents changes things too, huh?
David: Yes!
Drunk Maniac: Spielberg had just directed “Jaws” andthen….A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!![cries]
David: I am calling the police.[Drunken maniac knockstelephone to the floor. Ding-Dong. The door] Oh, good.Well, maybe somebody called them already.
[Door is opened and a candy gram arrives of a mandressed as a grizzly bear holding flowers]
Drunk Maniac: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! OH, NO!!! YOU CAMEBACK FOR ME!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
[Drunken Maniac jumps out the glass window, fallingdown whistle, crashing below sounds]
Man in bear costume: [sings with littleenthusiasm] Congratulations dear David on a bear of afashion show.[gives David the flowers, leaves]
Female Guest: I thought you’d think it was kitschy.
Drunk Maniac:[From the street below] A bear ate my parents!!!
Punched guy: [looking out the window] He missed the couch.
Male Guest: I think I’ve come without money. You thinkyou could loan me 20 dollars?
Steve Baxter….Bill Murray Las Vegas Lounge Singer….Chris Parnell
[Opens with a Las Vegas Lounge Singer holding a microphone]
Las Vegas Lounge Singer: New in town? Finding the best gynecologist in town can be hard. Right? Well, not anymore. Check this out!
[Music plays, sings]
“Hey! This guy is hot, he’ll hit the spot with all he’s gooot! Steve Baxter! Hollywood Gynecologist!
Call him up! Come on in! Get nuuuuude! He plays it fair, but just beware, he likes to staaaaaaaare! Steve Baxter! Hollywood Gynecologist!
Drive by! Show your pie! Feel gooood!”
Now ladies and gentlemen! Here he is! The Baxman himself!
[Curtains rolls sideways revealing Steve Baxter sitting on a patients chair]
Steve Baxter: My name is Steve Baxter. I’m a licensed OB/GYN. My buddies say that’s just a fancy way of saying you like to sneak a peek. But hey! I don’t go talk to my buds about it. That’s not my style. My style is more confidential-like. That’s why some pretty tony ladies have come in and slipped out of their unitards in my office. I’m talking about ladies like…Miss Stockard Channing, Marilu Henner, our own Dyan Cannon, Jeanne Tripplehorn twice. And a national treasure, Miss Katherine Hepburn. In case you’re wondering they’re all more than just fine. So, you see, you may as well drop right in, let me check you out. After all, I’m a doctor. Oh, yeah. One more thing. In case you’re wondering…I do date my patients.
Air Date:
