SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 3


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
October 18th, 1997

Brendan Fraser

Björk

None

Eric Dickerson
Janet Reno’s FantasySummary: Alone in her bedroom, emotionally-disturbed Janet Reno (Will Ferrell) fantasizes about President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Janet Reno, President Bill Clinton, John Conyers.

Transcript

Montage

Brendan Fraser’s MonologueSummary: Brendan Fraser tells the audience all the things he likes.

Bio: Brendan Fraser (1968-). Actor; films include: “Twenty Bucks” (1993), “Airheads” (1994), “George of the Jungle” (1997), “The Mummy” (1999).

Also Hosts: 98m.

Cameos: 00a.

Transcript

Lemon GlowSummary: The illuminating floor cleaner provides a renewed life for a suburban housewife (Molly Shannon) who used to live the wild life.

Transcript

Xena: Warrior PrincessSummary: Hints of lesbianism arise for Xena (Molly Shannon) during her sword battle with Erstwina (Brendan Fraser).

Transcript

IssuesSummary: Stoners Jeffrey Kaufman (Jim Brueur) and his buddy (Brendan Fraser) can’t control their laughter while interviewing a community leader (Ana Gasteyer).

Recurring Characters: Jeffrey Kaufman.

Transcript

Delicious DishSummary: Gourd expert Cameron Ross (Brendan Fraser) talks squash with Margaret Jo McCullin (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon).

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullin, Teri Rialto.

The Go-LordsSummary: The Go-Lords save a stolen nuclear warhead from Bill Gates.

Monday Night FootballSummary: Frank Gifford (Darrell Hammond) can’t keep his personal strife at home out of game commentary.

Recurring Characters: Frank Gifford, Al Michaels.

Bio: Eric Dickerson (1960-). Athlete; was a professional running back for the NFL teams Los Angeles Rams (1983-87), Indianapolis Colts (1987-91), Los Angeles Raiders (1992), and Atlanta Falcons (1993).

Transcript

Collette ReardonSummary: Collette Reardon (Cheri Oteri) again bothers a pharmacist (Brendan Fraser) to fill her abnormally large prescription order.

Recurring Characters: Collette Reardon.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldRecurring Characters: Harry Caray.

Transcript

Björk performs “Bachelorette”Bio: Björk (1965-). Icelandic singer-songwriter; member of The Sugarcubes, 1986-92; released her debut solo album in 1993.

Also Performs: 06r.

BiographySummary: Jack Perkins (Darrell Hammond) profiles the life of rocker Courtney Love (Molly Shannon) on his 500th show.

Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins, Courtney Love.

MangoSummary: While at a male strip club against his own will, family man John Richardson (Brendan Fraser) falls under the spell of the enigmatic dancer known only as Mango (Chris Kattan).

Recurring Characters: Mango.

The Shark ChannelSummary: All-shark programming all the time.

Transcript

Buddy SongsSummary: The cast is creeped out by Brendan Fraser’s too-close friendship with Will Ferrell.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald

[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm Macdonald.Now, the fake news. Our top story tonight:

Yesterday, just yesterday, in a letter to Congress,Attorney General Janet Reno absolved President Clintonof almost all charges of campaign finance reform.According to Reno, there is no evidence he misused hisoffice to raise money, improperly allowed contributorsto stay overnight at the White House, or soughtcontributions in exchange for political favors. Youknow, it’s hard for me to believe this but, for JanetReno to send this letter, I guess it must be true: thePresident’s sleeping with her, too. It’s …[scattered applause] It’s beyond comprehensionbut–

Earlier today, some six hundred thousand members ofthe Promise Keepers, the evangelical men’s group,convened in Washington, D. C. for a day of prayer andrepentance. Oh, no! I – I promised to go to thatthing! And I forgot! DAMN IT TO HELL! … It’s mywife’s fault! She didn’t remind me, that dirty–! …Oh, well.

More bad news for O. J. Simpson. This week, a LosAngeles court ordered him to turn over his HeismanTrophy to the Goldman family. In addition, the samecourt may order Simpson to surrender a coffee muginscribed, “World’s Greatest Husband” …

A new development in the Marv Albert story. This week,his accuser, Vanessa Perhatch, [photo of Perhatchappears] decided to go public, allowing news agenciesto print her name and picture. Following thepublications of the photograph, legal experts wereleft wondering — who was the realvictim? … [cheers and applause, Norm jerks athumb at the photo] Not easy on the eye! …

In a recent interview on the subject of parenting,Jane Fonda admitted that it wasn’t easy to talk to herchildren about sex. But she felt it was necessarybecause she did not want them to learn about sex theway that she did — by reading North Vietnamesepropaganda pamphlets. … We’re not gonna forget that– Hanoi Jane! …

It was a bad week for the restaurant chain Hooters.The company has been forced to pay 3.75 milliondollars to settle a sex discrimination suit brought bymale job applicants who claim that its policy ofhiring only women is unfair. The settlement was hailedas a landmark case — for guys who try to ruineverything. … [cheers and applause] You don’t wannago to Hooters and a dude shows up at your table,y’know? …

Action star Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedlyplanning to appear in an upcoming production of theBroadway musical “The King and I.” Schwarzenegger saysthat, in contrast to other actors’ portrayals of theKing of Siam, his will be really, reallyhorrible. …

Also in entertainment, the play “Hiroshima,” a tributeto the victims of the first atomic bomb, with musicand singing by Yoko Ono, opened in New York City thisweek. One tearful Japanese survivor of the attack whoattended the premiere called the play, quote, “themost horrifying experience of my life”! … [applause]

And in entertainment news, Ellen DeGeneres and loverAnne Heche have announced that they want to have ababy. However, their plan has hit a snag. They areboth women! … [applause] It’s – It is notpossible to – have a child.

Well, Bart, the eighteen hundred pound bear whoco-stars with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin in themovie “The Edge,” reportedly earns a whopping tenthousand dollars per day as a Hollywood actor. A smallamount of the grizzly’s income goes toward thepreservation of bears’ natural habitat. Bart spendsthe remaining money on bear whores and cocaine.…

And, on a happier note, in Massachusetts, the 119-acreDunn Pond State Park has the state’s first naturetrail designed for the handicapped. Along the trail,you will find a rich variety of birds, lizards andinsects — all of them handicapped. So … It’snot really a very good trail, y’know? …

And, next summer in Battle Creek, Michigan, Kellogg’swill open Cereal City, a new, eighteen million dollartheme park. [pulls tape recorder from pocket,activates it and speaks into it] Note to self: startbuying upland next to cereal theme park – then openmilk theme park … And watch the money rollin! … [shuts off recorder and pockets it with asmug grin] …

[Photo of midget with oversized head resemblingactor/comedian Eddie Murphy] Well, finally, theGuinness Book of World Records announced this weekthat Gul Mohammed of New Delhi, at 22.8 inches tall,is the shortest man in the world — to have EddieMurphy’s head. … [applause]

And that’s it, folks. Thanks a lot.

[Music. Cheers and more applause.Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Spartan Cheerleaders

Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri

Craig: I think it’s over here, I can’t find it.

Arianna: Get the light. Ow, my foot.

Craig: Oh, I found the switch, I found the switch.

Arianna: Turn it on, turn it on.

Craig: Oh, ok, great.

(They sit down on bench)

Arianna: Oh my God, Craig, do you realize that tryouts are in seven hours?

Craig: Yes.

Arianna: I can’t believe we snuck into the gym to practice our cheers!

Craig: Yea!

Arianna: How did you learn to jimmy a door?

Craig: Where else? McGyver. I used my retainer and a small piece of twine.

Arianna: Good work. You wanna kick it?

Craig: Let’s do it.

Arianna: Ok.

(They stand up and cheer)

Together:
Ump.
Spartan check up.
Take a chance
Drop your pants
Pee in the cup.

Doctor Spartan’s in the house
And he will fix you up.
Break it down now.

Spartan fever
Take it off.
Fever’s rising.
Time to cough.

(Arianna grabs Craig’s crotch.)

(Arianna sits on Craig’s foot. Craig turns in circles.)

Craig: Who’s that Spartan clinging on to me?

Arianna: It’s me, it’s me!

Craig: I said who’s that Spartan clinging on to me?

Arianna: It’s me, it’s me!

Together:
Uh huh…uh huh… uh huh, uh huh, uh huh
Respect peoples personal space! Wooo!

(Two Jumps)

Craig: Oh my God, Arianna, can you believe summer’s over already?

Arianna: I know, Craig. I already miss my summer job at Kenny Rogers Rosters. I’m still getting the news letter though.

Craig: Yea, well I’m glad my life guarding job is over. I did not enjoy taking off my shirt.

Arianna: Nah, nah… Greg, tomorrow morning we are going to be real Spartan cheerleaders!

Craig: This has got to be our year. It was an awesome idea to practice all night.

Arianna: Yea, and my parents will never know I’m gone. I put my brother’s blow up doll underneath my sheets.

Craig: Oh, oh, the one that looks like a really surprised Sheena Easton?

Arianna: Yea. (makes face with an “O”)

Arianna: Craig, read me your top three goals for this school year and I’ll read you mine. Ok?

Craig: Ok, number three – don’t respond when people say “I wish you were dead.”

Arianna: Good one.

Craig: Uh, number two – develop my calf muscles.

Arianna: Ok.

Craig: Number one, make the Spartan squad.

Arianna: Oh my God, Craig, I almost just cried. My turn.

Craig: Ok.

Arianna: Mmm, my paper smells like strawberries.

Craig: Oh it does!

Arianna: Ok, number three – wean myself off my sports bra. Its time – my mom said.

Craig: Yea, it is, it is.

Arianna: Number two – remember that extra strength pampren is a drug, not a candy.

Craig: Right, right.

Arianna: And number one – make the Spartan squad.

(They hug)

Arianna: Craig!

Craig: I’m getting so wired!

Arianna: Well maybe it’s because we’ve had nine cups of coffee within an hour.

Craig: And, we’re coffee virgins.

Arianna: Craig, I am so buzzed. I feel like Keith Richards, and I like it.

Craig: I’m just coo coo for coffee.

Arianna: Say what? Cheer voice

(They stand up and cheer)

Together:
Ump
A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?
A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?

His beans they come from Columbia way
He rides on his funky donkey everyday

A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?
A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?

We’re on a caffeine high
So hold on tight
Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Erin Illian

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Space: The Infinite Frontier

Harry Caray…..Will Ferrell
Ronald Culberston…..Matthew Perry

Announcer: From the outermost reaches of the universe to the innermost planets of our solar system – This is Space: The Infinite Frontier. With your host, Chicago Cubs’ broadcaster, Harry Caray.

Harry Caray: Hi everybody! Harry Caray here! And welcome to Space: The Infinite Frontier. We’ve got a great show lined up for ya’. Joining us in the studio today is U.S. astronaut, Ronald Culbertson. Welcome to the show Ronald.

Ronald Culbertson: Well, thank you Harry. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Harry Caray: Now, Ronald, you’ve just returned from the troubled Russian space station Mir. What’s goin’ on up there?

Ronald Culbertson: Well, Harry, the first thing you have to understand is that the Mir space station is eleven years old and was only designed to-

Harry Caray: Now, Ronald, it must be fun dressing up like an astronaut: the helmet, the boots,….the ray gun.

Ronald Culbertson: Ray gun?

Harry Caray: It’s good to indulge your inner child, cause without that you got nothin’.

Ronald Culbertson: Harry, I’m a real astronaut. I don’t just play “dress-up.”

Harry Caray: Don’t be ashamed Ronald. Hell, last Halloween I dressed up like one of those Frankenstein monsters. Bolts in the neck….the whole nine yards.

Ronald Culbertson: Well,…that must have been fun for you.

Harry Caray: The effect was positively eerie. Really scared some folks. In fact, a buddy of mine died of a heart attack when he saw me.

Ronald Culbertson: I’m sorry to hear that.

Harry Caray: Yeah. So, technically, I’m a murderer.

(Uncomfortable pause. Ronald is searching for words.)

Harry Caray: Hey Ronald! Ya’ ever been sucked into a black hole?

Ronald Culbertson: No…

Harry Caray: I have. It’s an area of infinite gravity and density from which not even light can escape. It’s called,’A Weekend at My Mother-in-Law’s.’

Ronald Culbertson: That’s very funny, Harry.

Harry Caray: Hey, don’t raise your voice at me!

Ronald Culbertson: I…I didn’t.

Harry Caray: Well, just don’t do it.

(Another uncomfortable pause.)

Harry Caray: Hey Ronald! Did ya’ hear they cloned a sheep?

Ronald Culbertson: Yes, I did.

Harry Caray: Hey! What if they cloned a dinosaur?…Would ya’ eat it?

Ronald Culbertson: You know, I haven’t really given it much thought.

Harry Caray: I know I would. Char broiled dinosaur covered in gravy. Side of curly fries. I bet they’d call it the Dinosaur Special.

Ronald Culbertson: Yes, I guess they would.

Harry Caray: So how ’bout it Ronald? Would you eat a dinosaur?

Ronald Culbertson: What…What does this have to do with…

Harry Caray: Hey, don’t jerk me around Ronald! It’s a simple question! Would you eat a dinosaur?

Ronald Culbertson: I guess I would.

Harry Caray: I think you’ve made a wise choice. Boy, I wish those scientists would hurry up. I’m gettin’ hungry.

Ronald Culbertson: Well, Harry, I’m sure that kind of cloning is a long way off.

Harry Caray: I hope so, cuz’ when they start cloning humans…Sure it would be good for the species, but emotionally, we’d all be dead!

(Ronald is looking very perplexed.)

Harry Caray: Well, that’s all the time we have. Before we leave, one important program note: Next week we’ll be broadcasting from the center of the Sun.

(Stage hand leans in and whispers in Harry’s ear.)

Harry Caray: Oh, thanks Pete. Apparently, the center of the Sun is eight billion degrees. You probably knew that, Ronald.

Ronald Culbertson: Yes. I did.

Harry Caray: So I guess we’ll stay right here. That’s kind of a relief. See ya’ next time! Cubs win! Cubs win!

Submitted by: Jim Moore

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Sarcasm 101

Teacher…Matthew Perry
Brian…Will Ferrell
Jane…Cheri Oteri
Tom…Tim Meadows
Kevin…Norm MacDonald
Marissa…Ana Gasteyer

[open on classroom with students, Mr. Bennett sits on a desk in front and drinks coffee]

Mr. Bennett: Oh, and class, whoever parked in my space, thank you. I enjoyed the walk.

Kevin: You’re welcome.

Mr. Bennett: Yeah, there’s nothing like an hour in the rain.

Jane: Oh, wait-wait-wait! Oh, I get it. You’re saying that because you don’t want him to park in your spot.

Mr. Bennett: Very good, you win the trip to Jamaica.

Kevin: Hey, wait a minute! You didn’t say there was a prize.

Mr. Bennett: Wow, could you be any stupider?

[Marissa enters through door]

Marissa: Excuse me, is this Sarcasm 101?

Mr. Bennett: No, it’s Lamaze class for men named Arthur.

Marissa: Oh, okay, sorry. [turns to exit]

Mr. Bennett: I’m kidding. It is Sarcasm 101. Be more gullible. Take any seat you want. [Marissa begins to sit at a desk near the front] Except that one. I’m kidding. Sit down.

Marissa: [sits] It’s really hard to tell.

Mr. Bennett: Thank you. What’s your name?

Marissa: Marissa.

Mr. Bennett: Well done. Marissa has just learned what? Anyone, anyone, Bueller?

Brian: Good sarcasm is hard to distinguish from normal speech.

Tom: Could you be more of a teacher’s pet?

Mr. Bennett: Tom, I heard that. Good one. Okay, last week’s assignment was how you would describe the food in England. Jane?

Jane: The food is so good there.

Mr. Bennett: Excellent.

Tom: Boiling everything is a really super-smart way to cook everything.

Mr. Bennett: Well done. Kevin?

Kevin: When my dad eats, he sounds like a pig!

Mr. Bennett: No, no, that couldn’t be more wrong.

Kevin: But–

Mr. Bennett: And just so you know, Kevin, I don’t like it when you say things.

Kevin: My dad’s from England!

Mr. Bennett: See, I see your mouth moving and I hear all these sounds, but it’s just, like, coming out like, “Whooo, blah-be-boo, woo, my dad, my dad!” So you see, Marissa, England is famous for having awful food, so–

Marissa: Why do you have to criticize everybody? I mean, I’m sure they have some good food.

Mr. Bennett: Oh, let’s see. What was I going to say in response to that? Oh, right, “I don’t care.”

Marissa: See, now you’re just being rude.

Mr. Bennett: Be more sensitive.

Jane: Way to take a joke, Marissa.

Mr. Bennett: Good one.

Tom: Hey, Marissa. Marissa, whenever you talk I want to have sex with you even less.

Mr. Bennett: That’s not quite sarcasm, Tom, but an excellent try.

Marissa: You people are cruel!

Mr. Bennett: [mockingly] “You people are cruel!” That wasn’t sarcasm. I just enjoyed doing that. Okay, quick pop quiz for everybody, okay? You walk into a bar and you see a fat, ugly, disgusting guy in the corner. You turn to your friends and you say…what?

Brian: Could he be any larger?

Jane: Could he be any uglier?

Kevin: He looks like my dad!

Mr. Bennett: Whoah, Kevin, try again.

Kevin: He looks a great deal like my…dad!

Mr. Bennett: Class?

Class: Be more stupid?

Marissa: You’re not very nice!

Mr. Bennett: No, no, no, try saying it, “Could you be any meaner?”

Marissa: I don’t think you could be.

Mr. Bennett: Marissa, why did you come here?

Marissa: My mother says I have no sense of humor.

Mr. Bennett: Re-he-heally?

Brian: Mr. Bennett, I was wondering if we could waste more time catering to Marissa’s mommy issues instead of actually learning something?

Mr. Bennett: Excellent, Brian.

Marissa: I don’t see what’s so funny!

Tom: Now there’s a shocker.

Jane: I nominate Marissa for class president because of her incisive wit.

Marissa: You people just don’t know when to stop! [cries]

Brian: Why don’t you cry about it?

Mr. Bennett: Hey, hey, hey. [a beat] Great one.

Tom: Hey, Mr. Bennett, I think that’s enough, man. I think she’s really crying.

Jane: Yeah, Mr. Bennett, lay off now.

Kevin: I want to take a bath with Marissa! I mean, that is to say, could I want more to…to…Can I take a bath with Marissa?

[Marissa stops crying, stands, and walks to the front of the room]

Marissa: Brian, excellent. Jane, be weaker. Tom, be more of a baby. And, Kevin, no, you can not.

Mr. Bennett: Everybody, meet Marissa Langford, my teaching assistant.

Tom: She was faking?

Marissa: Catch on slower.

Kevin: Hey! I don’t think she’s really a student.

Marissa: Be a bigger moron.

Kevin: Can I still take a bath with you, or?

Mr. Bennett: All right, that’s time, people. Tonight’s assignment is to be glib to somebody you’re afraid of.

[students rise and exit the classroom]

Tom: Great. Hey, could this class suck more?

Brian: Could the teacher be any worse?

Kevin: Could she take a bath with me?!

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Caller #1…..Molly Shannon
Caller #2…..
Caller #3…..Cheri Oteri
Martell…..Tracy Morgan
Caller #4…..Colin Quinn

Leon Phelps: I am Leon Phelps, and how y’all doing tonight? I am ready for the show, I’ve got some Courvoisier cognac, and my scented candles, and I’m ready to take your calls, so, uh, just dial the number that you see flashing below there, and you can talk to me, Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man. Alright. Go ahead, caller.

Caller #1: Hi. Is this The Ladies Man?

Leon Phelps: It’s a lady!

Caller #1: Yeah, uh, I got really drunk, and I had unprotected sex with this guy I met at a bar last night.

Leon Phelps: Well, that sounds alright.

Caller #1: No. I’m really scared. I mean, what if I get a disease?

Leon Phelps: Well, it’s cool, because, uh, you know, I have been with many fine ladies, and, uh, many of them were very skanky, and, consequently, The Ladies Man has had a few diseases. But I have rebounded every time. That’s why they call me The Ladies Man. So, Caller, never look back, and practice safe intercourse, okay? Alright, next caller?

Caller #2: Uh, hello, Ladies Man? Yeah, uh, I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few years now, and we like to have sex and all, but..

Leon Phelps: Hey, that sounds good to me!

Caller #2: It gets kind of boring, so is there any way we can, uh, spice up our love life?

Leon Phelps: Well, yes. There are a number of possibilities that you can pursue. Uh.. may I suggest you consider the butt?

Caller #2: [ quickly hangs up the phone, eager to takesuggestion ]

Leon Phelps: Hello? Alright, then, I’m going to take a sip off this Courvoisier, ’cause it’s getting chilly in here. [ sips Courvoisier ] Alright, then, next caller, go ahead. This is The Ladies Man.

Caller #3: Hello, Ladies Man.

Leon Phelps: Hey, it’s a lady! How you feeling tonight, lady?

Caller #3: Well, not so good. I’m having some problems with my self-esteem.

Leon Phelps: Your self-esteem. Yeah. Now, what is that?

Caller #3: Well.. I don’t feel good about myself.

Leon Phelps: Oh no, now, that’s not good. Uh, why do you feel that way?

Caller #3: Well, I have a bit of a weight problem, and it’s hard, you know, to meet guys.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, yeah, well, The Ladies Man is here to help you. Um.. so tell me, uh, how fat are you?

Caller #3: I’m like, 210.

Leon Phelps: Now, that is big. Um, I was not expecting you to say anything over 200 pounds. Uh, I was basically expecting, like, 130, 135.. yeah, you are a big woman. Um, my advice to you is to, uh, avoid any type of food product that your neighborhood supermarket might try to sell you. [tips glass] But here’s to you, Fat Lady. The Ladies Man loves you, but not in any type of sexual, or love-type way. [laughing] I see my stage manager Martell finds the plight of that last call amusing.

Martell: Hey, yo, Leon, whatchoo doing after the show tonight, man? You going to the club?

Leon Phelps: No, no, no, no. I’ve got some plans, man.

Martell: So, whatchoo gonna be doing then, bro?

Leon Phelps: Well, um, I don’t want to get into the particulars, um.. but I know that a bottle of Courvoisier and a lady will definitely be involved, you know what I mean?

Martell: Right on, then!

Leon Phelps: Yeah. Okay, next caller, go ahead. You got The Ladies Man.

Caller #4: Yeah, hi, Ladies Man. Sometimes when I’m in the shower at the gym, with a bunch of guys, I get aroused. Is that normal?

Leon Phelps: Yes, basically, that is a normal response. It’s natural to have those kind of feelings, but, uh, what I want to know is, uh, how a fine lady like yourself could have such a deep voice?

Caller #4: I’m a man.

Leon Phelps: Well, the first thing I would tell you is to keep that secret to yourself, you know? Um, that is something that you are going to have to live with for the rest of your life, and you can never tell. Thank you, Caller. Uh, listen, at this point, I feel that I should say to my viewers that, uh, The Ladies Man does not want any more calls like that. Okay? Because those calls, they disturb The Ladies Man, okay? Thanks very much. Well, I can tell by the empty bottle of Courvoisier that it is time to say goodnight. So, uh, look out, ladies, ’cause here comes Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
John Travolta…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Michael Keaton…..Matthew Perry

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. And let’s take a look at the scores. John Travolta has -$2,000. In a close second with -$1,900 is Michael Keaton. [ Keaton is doing several facial expressions. ] And in first place, with $0, is our returning champion Burt Reynolds, who, of course, has yet to ring in. It’s time now for Double Jeopardy. And once again for this round contestants, I’d like to remind you, please, no cursing. Let’s take a look at the board. The categories are: “Continents”; “Theater”; “Potpourri”; “Potent Potables”; “Numbers”; “Words That Rhyme With Dog”; and finally, “The Renaissance.” And you know what, let’s just replace that last category with “Shapes.” [ Tile saying “The Renaissance” is flipped over to reveal “Shapes.” ] Burt Reynolds, you pick the category.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, give me, ah, Theater for $10,000.

Alex Trebek: Theater for $600. The answer is: This play by William Shakespeare was about a merchant who lived in Venice. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that was “Footloose”. [ nods ] Good flick, “Footloose”.

Alex Trebek: No. And please answer in the form of a question. [ Travolta buzzes in. ] John Travolta.

John Travolta: Is this a horror flick we’re talking about? ‘Cause I love horror flicks.

Alex Trebek: It’s.. it’s not a flick at all.

John Travolta: Okay. “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”

Alex Trebek: No. And please answer in the form of a question.John Travolta: That was a question! Who framed him? [ Keaton buzzes in. ]

Alex Trebek: Mr. Keaton. [ Keaton just does facial expressions. ] Mr. Keaton. [ The buzzer sounds. ] I.. I don’t think we can accept facial expressions as an answer. Mr. Reynolds, it’s your board, pick a category.

Burt Reynolds: I’ll take the dog one.

Alex Trebek: All right, Words That Rhyme With Dog, for $400. And the answer is: It’s been a “Hard Day’s Night” I should be sleeping like a “This.” [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Chinese whore.

Alex Trebek: No. [ Travolta buzzes in. ] John Travolta.

John Travolta: Chinese whore doesn’t rhyme with dog.

Alex Trebek: That’s why it was a wrong answer. [ Keaton buzzes in. ] Mr. Keaton.

Michael Keaton: I’m Batman.

Alex Trebek: No, you are not. And the board still belongs.. [ Reynolds buzzes in several times. ] What, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: I think, ah, I think my buzzer’s broken.

Alex Trebek: No, it’s not, you just buzzed in.

Burt Reynolds: No I didn’t. [ buzzes in several more times. ] I think it.. I think it’s broken.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Travolta, why don’t you pick a category.
John Travolta: Continents for $600.

Alex Trebek: And it’s the Audio Daily Double. How much do you want to wager?

John Travolta: I’m gonna play it safe. I’ll wager $0.

Alex Trebek: All right, for $0. Here’s your Audio Daily Double clue: Name this continent. [ A voice says “Asia.” Travolta doesn’t answer. ] Mr. Travolta. [ The voice says “Asia” again. The buzzer sounds. ] Time has run out. The answer was “Asia.” [ Reynolds pats Travolta on the back. ]

Burt Reynolds: Ah, tough luck there buddy, huh?

Alex Trebek: Okay, moving on. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] What is it, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: [ points at Travolta ] Check out this guy’s back.

John Travolta: What? [ turns around to reveal a “Kick Me” sign. ]

Alex Trebek: That’s nice, you put a “Kick Me” sign on Mr. Travolta’s back.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, ha-ha.

John Travolta: Oh that’s, that’s good.

Burt Reynolds: I did it when he.. I did it when he wasn’t looking.

Alex Trebek: That’s very nice. Good job, Burt. Tell you what, we’re gonna let Michael Keaton pick a category.

Michael Keaton: All right, um, Number. See, because sometimes it helps to understand a word if we break it down. Let’s do that now, shall we? Numb, see, if you’re numb, you can’t feel. [ pauses for a second ] See, yeah if you’re numb you can’t feel. And then Ber..

Alex Trebek: Numbers for $800. And the answer is: This number comes between five and seven. [ Keaton buzzes in. ] Mr. Keaton.

Michael Keaton: ..See and then Ber, if you’re, you know if you’re cold, that’s the sound that you would make. I guess I, I guess my answer will be uh, somebody who can’t feel that they’re, uh, that they’re cold.

Alex Trebek: No.

Michael Keaton: What is somebody who can’t feel when they’re cold?

Alex Trebek: No, no Mr. Keaton, I know what you’re trying to do. Just stop. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Mr. Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I think I fixed it. My buzzer, I think I fixed it. [ buzzes in repeatedly ]

Alex Trebek: I see. You know what, let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy with every player in negative numbers. And the category is…you know what, this is way too hard, I’m just gonna make one up. How about your favorite food? Just write down whatever food you personally like most, any food you like to eat. [ music starts ] Your favorite food. [ Keaton walks over to Reynolds’s podium ] Keep in mind you can’t be wrong. You can even lie to me and just put down a food. [ music stops ] Okay, and put down your pens. Mr. Travolta, let’s see what you put. Your favorite food is.. [ shows his screen ] Miso. A type of soup, excellent! And your wager.. [ shows his wager ] Horny. Me, so horny. [ Travolta laughs. ] Great.

John Travolta: Come on, that’s hilarious! Come on!

Alex Trebek: No, it’s not. Now, let’s look at Mr. Reynolds’s answer. [ shows his screen ] Check out Keaton’s back. [ Keaton turns around to reveal the “Kick Me” sign. ]

Burt Reynolds: Ha-ha!

Alex Trebek: Right. Very funny.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, he didn’t know it was on there.

Alex Trebek: Shut up. Just shut up. Let’s see what Mr. Keaton came up with. You wrote.. [ shows his screen ] Val Kilmer sucks.

Michael Keaton: I’m Batman.

Alex Trebek: Okay, and your wager.. [ shows his wager ] George Clooney sucks. Well, no one won, apparently.

Burt Reynolds: I won.

Alex Trebek: No, you didn’t.

Burt Reynolds: Sure, I did.

Alex Trebek: Anyway. That’s it for Celebrity Jeopardy. Once again, no money will be given to charity.

Burt Reynolds: Seriously, I did win.

Alex Trebek: No, you didn’t.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I did.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: GohanDZ

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Goodnights

…..Matthew Perry

Matthew Perry: Thakas to Oasis! Thanks to everybody! I love you, Grandpa! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

The Golords

Mike Golord…..Will Ferrell
Sissy Golord…..Ana Gasteyer
Doc
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Fake Bill Clinton
Chung
Madame Wong
Chung’s Hitman

[Opens with the Seal of the President of the UnitedStates. Bill Clinton is addressing the nation from theOval Office]

Announcer: And now a message from the President of theUnited States.

President Bill Clinton: My fellow Americans. Lately thisadministration has come under attack for acceptingcampaign contributions from foreigners. I’m here tosay there’s no truth behind this allegations andfurthermore my….

[Helicopter roars, two guys storm through the windowsbehind Clinton and open machine gunfire in alldirections]

President Bill Clinton: HOLY…!!!

[They hook Clinton up and helicopter carries him outof the Oval Office along with the two gunmen]

Man: THEY’VE KIDNAPPED THE PRESIDENT!!! OH!,OH!,OH!

Jingle:
From a secret sattelite,
comes a gang that’s outta sight.
Captain Golord and his team,
they will fight out evil schemes,
helping save the earth below,
they are always on the go!

[Montage of the Golord’s adventures. Sattelite inspace,confronting bad guys, knocking down doors, Docon the phone in the lab, flying through space in theirspace mobile]

GOLORDS! GOLORDS! GOOOO!!!!

Announcer: The Golords.

[Sattelite in space, cut into it. Mike and Sissy intheir blue uniforms are sittting down while Doc in hislab coat and big glasses read a printout message]

Doc: Mike, Sissy, we’re getting an emergency message.Our sources have located the President!

Sissy: Where’s he at, Doc?

Doc: It says here that the culprits are holding thePresident in a brothel outside of Hong Kong.

[Mike is watching a Penthouse centerfold]

Mike: Let’s go!

[Caption: Hong Kong. Oriental music. City at night.Mike and Sissy are in front of a whorehouse, dooropens]

Madame Wong: Welcome to Madame Wong’s whorehouse! MikeGolord? Back so soon?

Mike:[Speaks chinese. Subtitled:Madame Wong, this ismy sister, so be cool with the “Mike Golord”stuff.]Hello, stranger. Have you seen this man aroundhere?

[Holds up photo of Bill Clinton]

Madame Wong: Uh, how about a quicky?

Mike: Sissy, wait here. I think Madame Wong may knowsomething.

[Madame Wong and Mike walk into a red lighted room,door closes. Door opens in one second, Madame Wong isnaked on the bed, Mike walks out]

Mike: Thanks, Wong.

Sissy: What did you find out Mike?

Mike: Not a thing. Let’s go to another whorehouse.

[Madame Wong attacks Mike with a knife]

Sissy: Mike, look out!

[Bang! bang!, bang! bang! Sissy shoots Madame Wong inthe face 4 times]

Mike: Thanks, Sissy. That was close. Let’s take a lookaround the rest of this place.

[Bang! Sissy shoots Wong one more time just to besure.]

[Cut to President Clinton tied to a chair in awarehouse. Chung and his hitman are next to Clinton]

President Bill Clinton: I’ll tell you what. When my govermenthear about this there’s gonna be hell to pay.

Chung: Silence!

[Slaps Clinton in the face]

President Bill Clinton: [whimpering] Don’t hit me!

Chung’s Hitman: Silence!

[Another slap in the face of Clinton]

President Bill Clinton: The security codes are Delta, Alpha,Zebra….

Chung: Please, shut up. We are not interested incodes. Our top genetics scientists have been workingaround the clock to perfect this, our own PresidentBill Clinton.

[Chung takes hood off another guy tied to a chair thatlooks just like Clinton only that the white hair isuncombed]

President Bill Clinton: He looks just like me!

Fake Bill Clinton: I build bridges to 21st century.

Chung: It’s perfect. We don’t need to make campaigncontributions any longer. Now our President will makea new American policy and no one can stop us!

[Mike and Sissy burst through the door]

Mike: Hold it right there, Chung!

Sissy: Two completely identical Presidents. How can wetell them apart?

President Bill Clinton: It’s me!!

Fake Bill Clinton: Hey, I’m the guy!

Sissy: What do we do, Mike?

Mike: I’ve got it!

[Shows fake Bill Clinton a photo of Paula Jones]

Mike: Do you find this lady sexy?

Fake Bill Clinton: Oh, no. She not sexy. She make mesick.[throws up]

President Bill Clinton: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah![His horniness makeshis head spin wildly]

Mike: Suck on this!

[Mike shoots fake Bill Clinton in the forehead. Hisbrains splash into the wall]

Chung: Stop them!

Sissy: Hyah! Take that!

[Sissy punches Chung’s hitman in the chest and ripsout his still beating heart]

President Bill Clinton: Good Lord!

Sissy: Put this in your pipe and smoke it!

[Sissy knife in hand goes over to Chung and chops hishead clean off, head rolls around on the floor]

[Back in the Oval Office]

President Bill Clinton: This country owes you Golords a greatdebt that can never be repaid.

Mike: No need Mr. President. I just hope you’velearned taking illegal contributions from foreignersis dangerous. It’s more safer and patriotic to letAmerican corporations to buy off our politicians.

[Bill Clinton fondles Sissy’s right breast]

President Bill Clinton: I couldn’t agree more. That is whytomorrow I’m gonna get started on tough new campaignfinance reform.

[Dishonest giggling from Clinton, Mike and Sissy joinin the giggling]

Announcer: GOLORDS!! GOLORDS!! GOOOO!!!!

The Golords logo.

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Friends

Rachel….Cheri Oteri
Pheobe….Ana Gasteyer
Ross……Chris Kattan
Chandler….Colin Quinn
Joey…….Matthew Perry
Monica…..Molly Shannon

[open in the Friends apartment, with Rachel and Pheobe watching TV]

Rachel: Oh my God, this show is so stupid, Pheobes. I mean, it’s just tapes of cats falling off things and men getting hit in the crotch!

Pheobe: Um, okay, I love this show, Rache.

Rachel: You would. Look, Pheobes, I have something to tell you.

[Rachel turns off TV]

Pheobe: Wow, that sounds really like [imitating trumpet herald] announcement!

Rachel: It kind of is. I met someone, Pheobes. A guy. I think this whole Ross and me thing is, like, over.

Pheobe: Um, congratulations, I think. Wow.

[Monica and Ross enter]

Monica: You know, Ross, you totally offended me when you didn’t eat any of my quiche a la Monica. I mean, hello? I spent all day making it.

Ross: Well, I would’ve spent all night throwing it up.

[Ross sees Rachel]

Ross: Oh, hi, Rachel.

Rachel: Hi, Ross.

Ross: Hey, I thought you were gonna call me. I spent all weekend beside the phone, in a fetal position. Moaning. A lot.

Rachel: Oh, Ross. There’s kind of a reason why I didn’t call.

Ross: Well, I was really hoping you would, Rache, cause I just wanted to ask you…will you marry me?

[Everyone looks shocked while Joey enters]

Joey: Hey, yo. You guys wanna go shoot some pool or something?

Monica: Joey, shut up! Ross just totally popped the question!

Joey: Ho ho! What question!

Monica: Hello? THE question? The BIG one? HELLO?

Joey: Ho ho! …what question?

[Chandler enters. While everyone up to this point has been imitating the Friends characters relatively accurately, Colin Quinn portrays Chandler as EXTREMELY effeminate]

Colin: Oh! What a HORRID day I’ve had!

[Matthew Perry looks puzzled, but tries to maintain his Joey impression]

Monica: Hi, Chandler.

Pheobe: Um, hi, Chandler.

Chandler: Oh my STARS, it’s a wonder I didn’t simply faint dead away! Heavens to Betsy!

Ross: I – I know this is sudden, Rachel, but there’s – there’s still this thing between us, you know, there’s kind of this thing, that, you know, it’s a good thing!

Rachel: Oh, Ross! Ross, marriage is such a big step!

Chandler: Marriage!? Marriage, my word, you mustn’t! My dear girl, you’ll be ruined, RUINED!

Pheobe: Um, okay, Chandler, I think you’re being, like, really negative right now. Like, marriage rules!

Monica: I know! I mean, marriage! Hello?! HELLO!?

Ross: Look, Rache, I still love you, I really do! Joey, tell her how much I talk about her!

Chandler: Heavens, yes, Joey, do tell, do tell!

[Matthew Perry stares at Colin Quinn in confusion. He’s clearly thinking about Colin now and not the sketch]

Joey: Well, yeah…you know…Ross says things…about…Rachel.

Ross: See?!?

Chandler: Oh, bother, you’re all prattling away while I stand here half dead from thirst. I simply shall perish without a glass of buttermilk!

[Colin moves to the fridge, walking very effeminately. Matthew Perry follows him]

Joey: Hey, hold on a sec there, Chandler. You’re, uh, kinda out of character today, not your usual smart-alecky self. Is something wrong?

Chandler: Why, heavens, no, dear boy! I’m Chandler Bing, raconteur and sassy man-about-town! Now would you be a love and fetch me my shawl?

Matthew Perry [breaks character completely, addresses Colin directly] Alright, Colin, cut it out!

Colin Quinn: [tries to keep character] Dear me, I shan’t be spoken to in that tone, JOEY. It simply won’t do!

Matthew Perry: I’m serious! Cut it out!

Colin QuinnM: [breaks character] What are you doing, Matthew? You’re ruining the whole sketch!

Matthew Perry: What am I doing? What kind of an impression is this?! It doesn’t sound anything like me!

Chris Kattan: [still impersonating Ross as he speaks] Look, you – you shouldn’t second-guess him, you know? He’s an actor, and, you know, he made an acting choice.

Matthew Perry: Hey, Kattan, do yourself a favor and stick to characters that don’t speak!

[Chris Kattan, angry, sits down on the couch]

Matthew Perry: And Colin, I don’t play Chandler like some big gay foppish guy!

Colin Quinn: Look, Matthew, I’m sorry you didn’t like my impression. It’s just that I’m a huge fan. And your performance in that role always brings to mind classic character actors like Ed Win, Edward Everett Horton, and I tried to bring that to my performance. But I guess it was a bad call.

Matthew Perry: [suddenly intrigued] Well, not necessarily…

[Perry looks upward, deep in thought. The scene switches to a picture of a studio lot, with the caption reading “Hollywood, California. A Few Weeks From Now.”]

[The scene switches to the Friends’ apartment. Matthew Perry bounds into the room as Chandler, and he now plays Chandler as effeminately as Colin did]

Chandler: Oooooh, Chandler’s home! Joey, be a dear and fetch me my shawl! I’m rather chilly! Oooooooohhhh!

[Scene freezes and Friends music plays while Friends credits roll]

Transcribed by: Scott Bonner

SNL Transcripts