SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Uncle John

Sound Technician #1…..Chris Kattan
Sound Technician #2…..Jim Breuer
Uncle John…..Phil Hartman
Fantasia…..Tim Meadows

FADE IN:

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

Two SOUND TECHNICIANS are seated by a sound mixing board.

Technician #1: Okay.

Technician #2: What the hell? Where is Uncle John?

Technician #1: He’s late as usual.

UNCLE JOHN, An elderly man in glasses, cardigan & khakis, saunters into the recording booth, holding a mini ice chest.

Uncle John: All right boys – let’s do it.

Technician #1: Great… Uncle John.

Technician #2: We were worried about you. You were supposed to be here at ten.

Uncle John: Now, now, young fellas… now let’s not judge Uncle John. I’ve been doing these commercials for some 20 odd years.

Both technicians work the controls on separate boards.

Technician #1: Okay. Let’s lay down a track. Uncle John’s Buttermilk Flapjacks. Anytime you’re ready.

Uncle John rises to the microphone.

Uncle John: Howdy! I’m Uncle John and folks around these parts don’t really catch on to loud cars or pushy people-

A CAN OPENING IS HEARD OFF-SCREEN.

Technician #1: Hold on – we’re picking up the sound of a can being opened. Uncle John, are you drinking in there?

Uncle John’s chugging hard on a canned beer.

Uncle John: Oh, come on boys. What are you, the sobriety police? Come on; give old Uncle John a break.

Technician #2: Okay. Let’s try this again. Ready Uncle John?

Uncle John nods.

Uncle John: Howdy! I’m Uncle John and folks around these parts don’t really catch on –

Uncle John’s tapping hard on the podium in front of him and METAL CUTTING are heard in his booth. He lowers his head onto his podium and holds one nostril shut.

Technician #2: What a second! Cut! Cut! Uncle John, what’s going on in there?

Uncle John rises from his podium, face covered in cocaine.

Uncle John: What?

Technician #2: Uncle John! What the hell!?

Uncle John: Just a little booze. No harm, no foul.

Technician #1: Oh my God! Uncle John!

Technician #2: All right. Let’s just take this from the top. Let’s just do this.

Uncle John lights a cigarette.

Uncle John: Howdy. This is Uncle John.

Technician #2: Cut. Can you give us a little sincerity?

Uncle John: Oh, for the love of Pete!!

Technician #1: Please. Just give us something, Uncle John.

Uncle John: Now wait a second, fellas. I’ve been doing these commercials for over 20 years. I’ve been in love with Uncle John’s Buttermilk Pancakes. I get letters from children nine and younger –

Uncle John begins to sob and lowers his head down to snort another line of cocaine.

Technician #2 bangs on the mixing board.

Technician #2: Uncle John!

Technician #1: Will you just lay down the track so we can move along?

FANTASIA, a transvestite prostitute in little clothing, strolls in.

Uncle John: Oh. Hello. Fellas, this is my friend – Fantasia. Sit in there and watch how it’s done.

Fantasia makes way to the mixing room before turning to Uncle John.

Fantasia: You need a singer? Because I can sing.

Uncle John: I’m sure you can. Now get in there.

Fantasia enters the mixing room. The technicians engage in crosstalk.

Technician #1: Okay. Let’s just lay one down all right?

Uncle John (O/S): Howdy! This is Uncle John…

Fantasia starts brushing his hand in Technician #2’s hair.

Technician #2: Hey! Hey! Cut! Stop that.

Technician #2 points at Fantasia.

Fantasia: Don’t you point that finger at me, honey! I’ll cut that off.

Uncle John: Fantasia, get in here and sit with Papa.

Fantasia goes back into the recording booth not before brushing her hand again in Technician #2’s hair first. When she arrives at Uncle John, his face is covered in blood from massive nose bleeding.

Fantasia: This is what I’m talking about, Poppie. I’m going to be a star like Uncle John.

Uncle John: Okay, fellas. Let’s just do this so I can get the heck out of here.

Technician #2: Okay. Uncle John, do you know your nose is bleeding.

Fantasia: Oh Poppie – are you all right?

Fantasia lays her hand on Uncle John, who quickly removes it.

Uncle John: I’m fine!! Leave me alone.

Fantasia: Who you talking to, old man!!??

Uncle John: Shut up, you street trash!!!

Uncle John grabs Fantasia and tosses her out of the booth.

Fantasia: I’m going to tell the police about your habits, you dirty old pervert!!

Uncle John: Who’s going to believe you? You bitch!!

Uncle John returns to the podium and starts sobbing real hard.

Uncle John: You fellas ever been in love?

Both technicians have there hands over there foreheads, facing down.

Technician #2: Uncle John, if this is a bad time, we can do this –

Technician #1: Maybe we can do this later, Uncle John?

Uncle John: No!! I’m a professional…

Uncle John continues to sob.

Uncle John: Okay. Here we go. Howdy! This is your Uncle John and folks around these parts…

A ZIPPER COMING UNDONE’S HEARD OFF-SCREEN. LIQUID DISPENSING FOLLOWS.

Technician #1: What?

Technician #2: No!

Technician #1: John!

Both: No! No!

Uncle John’s urinating on the carpet below him and sobbing with no control.

Uncle John: I’m sorry… I’m sorry…

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

The Roxbury Guys

Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Passing Female…..Cheri Oteri

(open on China Club – Captain Hollywood Project’s “More & More” begins to play)

(interior of the club, people dancing to the music, the crowds part and Steve & Doug Butabi are revealed drinking at the bar, they begin to simultaneously bop their heads back and forth)

Doug Butabi: Wanna dance?

(Steve tries his luck and walks towards someone)

Steve Butabi: Hey, you wanna dance? No? Okay Okay. (takes a swig of his beer)

Doug Butabi: (another try) Hey hey hey hey, over here, huh? (motions to himself offering to dance) No? All right.

Steve Butabi: (another try) Hey! Do you want to dance? No?

(They both ask at the same time and go back and forth asking “Him? Me? No? Him? Me?” as they point to one another – Doug puts his beer down and goes into what he thinks is dancing, only to get rejected again, Steve follows suit)

(A passing female (Cheri Oteri) walks past only to be stopped by the brothers)

Both: Oh yeah, Baby!

(They both begin to bounce her off one another – “dancing” with her as she tells them no)

Passerby: I don’t want to dance! I don’t want to dance! I don’t want to dance! Bathroom!

(She runs off)

Both: Score! Yeah, all right! (They high five each other as the crowds come back into frame and the scene ends)

Submitted by: Benjamin LaBaron

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Phil Hartman’s Monologue

…..Phil Hartman
…..Tim Meadows
…..Lorne Michaels

Phil Hartman: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you, it’s great to be back on “Saturday Night Live.” I spent 8 years as a cast member on this show; I did 153 episodes; played 518 characters; wore 627 wigs – 50 of which were some personal business I do in the privacy of my own home.. The point is – I’ve seen a lot of monologues, and, believe you me, the monologue can destroy a man. It’s the most difficult part of the show. Matthew Broderick did one, and had to spend two months in a halfway house; Steven Seagal did one, and.. you’ve seen what he’s like now. But as for me, I relish a challenge! Because after all the hundreds of voices I’ve done, I finally get to use my own voice. Now I have the chance toplay the one person I’ve never played before – myself! So, here we go.

[ speaks, but a deep voice slips out ] You know, I was born in a small town.. [ coughs ] Excuse me.. [ tries again, but a squeaky voice pops out ] I was born in a small town.. [ suddenly breaks apart ] I can’t do this! I don’t know who I am..! [ runs off stage ]

[ cut to the hall outside the studio, past Tim Meadows ]

Tim Meadows: Phil!

Phil Hartman: Don’t look at me! [ runs to his dressing room ]

Tim Meadows: Phil! [ runs after him ] Phil! [ stands outside Phil’s dressing room ]

Phil Hartman: Leave me alone!

Tim Meadows: Come on, Phil, I know you’re in there.

Phil Hartman: [ talking to his mirror inisde his dressing room ] Phil can’t finish the monologue.. because I don’t know who Phil is.. Who are you?!

Tim Meadows: You’re Phil Hartman! You’re one of the best sketchperformers this show has ever had! You’re one of my idols!

Phil Hartman: Of course I am. I’m so much better than you are. But this is different, don’t you see?! Hiding behind wigs, fake noses and false bosoms.. that’s easy! What’s hard is playing the one character I’ve never had to play – myself! Who am I!

Tim Meadows: I’ll tell you who you are – Phil Hartman!

Phil Hartman: [ mocking ] Phil Hartman! I’m 47 years old.. I’m41 years old! But I don’t know who Phil Hartman is!

Tim Meadows: Look, I’ll tell you who Phil Hartman is. He’s the guy who let me stay in his apartment when I first came to this show. The guy who fed me, gave me hope! That’s who Phil Hartman is!

Phil Hartman: That wasn’t me! That was Kevin Nealon!

Tim Meadows: Oh, right.. Kevin Nealon, yeah..

Phil Hartman: If you don’t even know who I am.. how am I supposed to know?

Tim Meadows: Look, Phil.. would McDonald’s – America’s #1 fast food chain – pay you $1 million to bw its spoeksman if there was no Phil Hartman?

Phil Hartman: [ interested ] Go on.

Tim Meadows: Listen – would the Cheeto’s Corporation stake theirreputation on Phil Hartman if they didn’t know who Phil Hartman is?

Phil Hartman: Of course not. It’s Cheetos.. the cheesiest cheese snack there is!

Tim Meadows: Right! And would Cary’s Big & Tall Shop of Muncie,Indiana choose you to be their Dress slacks spokesman if there was no Phil Hartman?

Phil Hartman: That’s a regional spot. How did you see that?

Tim Meadows: I told you – you’re my idol! Now, look, Phil, most of all, would I be here if I didn’t know who Phil Hartman is?

Phil Hartman: You’re right.. Who is this?

Tim Meadows: It’s Tim Meadows!

Phil Hartman: Tim?! You’re still on the show?! Look.. I’m sorry I was never nice to you when you were on the show. I already had a pre-existing relationship with Chris Rock, and..

Tim Meadows: Look, Phil.. You got a show to do. Now get out there!

Phil Hartman: [ weeping ] I can’t do it, timmy, I can’t..

Tim Meadows: You can, and you will! And if you won’t do it for yourself, do it for the rest of us who’ll never get the chance to host the show. Do it for the Anthony Michael Halls.. the Nora Dunns.. Hell, do it for Joe Piscopo!

Phil Hartman: [ steps out of his dressing room and hugs Tim ] You’re right. I am somebody! I’ve got a monologue to do! [ cooly saunters down the hall, where he encounters Phil Hartman, Nancy Walls, Chris Kattan, Mark McKinney, and members of the writing staff, who they begin to clap for Phil as he approaches Lorne Michaels ] Lorne, I know woh I am now. I’m ready to host your show!

Lorne Michaels: Go get ’em, Bill.

Phil Hartman: Phil.

Lorne Michaels: Right.
Phil Hartman: [ returns to home base triumphantly ] The Gin Blossoms are here! And I am proud to be your host! My name is Phil Hartman!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Judge…..Nancy Walls
Cirroc…..Phil Hartman
Jury Foreman…..Will Ferrell
Prostitute…..Molly Shannon

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “One hundred thousand years ago, a caveman was out hunting on the frozen wastes when he slipped and fell into a crevasse. In 1988, he was discovered by some scientists and thawed out. He then went to law school and became.. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

Jingle: “He used to be a caveman,
but now he’s a lawyer.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!”

Announcer: Brought to you by.. Lawn Destroyer – when you don’t even care anymore; and by Cubic Yard of Earthworms – what you do with it is your business; and by Wilson Ear Drill – we don’t recommend that you use an ear drill, but if you insist, why not get the best! And now, tonight’s episode of “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”.

[ open on interior, courtroom, the Judge banging her gavel ]

Judge: Mr. Cirroc, are you ready to give your summation?

Cirroc: [ stepping out] It’s just “Cirroc”, your Honor..and, yes, I’m ready. [ approaches the jury box ] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m just a caveman. I fell on some ice and was later thawed by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes when I fly to Europe on the Concorde, I wonder, am I inside some sort of giant bird? Am I gonna be digested? I don’t know, because I’m a caveman, and that’s the way I think! When I’m courtside at a Knicks game, I wonder if the ball is some sort of food they’re fighting over. When I see my image on the security camera at the country club, I wonder, are they stealing my soul? I get so upset, I hop out of my Range Rover, and run across the fairway to to the clubhouse, where I get Carlos to make me one of those martinis he’s so famous for, to soothe my primitive caveman brain. But whatever world you’re from, I do know one thing – in the 20 years from March 22nd, 1972, when he first ordered that extra nicotine be put into his product, until February 25th, 1992, when he issued an inter-office memorandum stopping the addition of that nicotine, my client was legally insane. And, for that reason, I ask that you fine him.. not guilty. Thank you.

Judge: The jury will now retire to deliberate.

Jury Foreman: [ standing ] Your Honor.. I don’t think we need to retire. Cirroc’s words are just as true now as they were in his time. We find the defendent.. not guilty.

[ the jury applauds Cirroc ]

Judge: Did you hear that, Mr. Cirroc? [ no answer ] Mr. Cirroc?

Cirroc: [ watching a basketball game on a tiny TV ] I’m sorry, your Honor. I was watching the tiny men trapped inside this strange modern device! [ smiles maliciously to the camera ]

Announcer: “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer” has been brought to you by.. Chili-B-Gone – soothes eyes inflamed by chili spray; and by Spider Whistle – spiders come crawling when you start blowing, also works on certain ants. Next time, on “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”..

[ cut to Cirroc in bed with a prostitute, smoking a cigarette ]

Cirroc: I’m just a caveman, your world frightens and confuses me. And I don’t understand why I should pay you $200 for what we just did.

Prostitute: You always say that.

[ Cirroc leans back and laughs, as the scene freezes ]

Announcer: Next time, on “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Acting Class

Bobby Coldsman…..Phil Hartman
Brian…..Chris Kattan
Female Student…..Cheri Oteri
Kelley…..Molly Shannon
Jane…..Nancy Walls
Male Student…..Tim Meadows
Troy…..Will Ferrell

[ open on Bobby Coldsman’s acting class ]

Bobby Coldsman: Okay, guys. On your mark, get set.. [ the students stretch their arms out ] Live that way.. live that way. Okay, let’s start the class! [ the students pull in their arms ] This is the halway point in the 12-week course. Who am I?

Tim: Bobby Coldsman!

Bobby Coldsman: What was I in? Troy.

Troy: Uh.. “Fantastiks”!

Bobby Coldsman: Kelley. What else?

Kelley: “Fiddler on the Roof”!

Bobby Coldsman: Brian, what showed the world my range as an actor?

Brian: The Pringles commercial!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Hey, hey, hey! “If you’re not five minutes early..”

Cheri: “..you’re five minutes late!”

Bobby Coldsman: Nice. Last week you were told to set aside at least five hours a day observing human behavior. If you didn’t do it, it’s your loss. If you did, congratulations! Troy, talk to me!

Troy: Uh.. yes, Bobby! I spent five-and-a-half hours watching a homeless lady..

Bobby Coldsman: Shut up! Get up! What are you working on?

Troy: [ jumps to the front of the class ] Uh.. I’m working on my weakness, which you said last week was voice and diction. So I thought I would sing “A Whole New World” from Disney’s “Aladdin”.

Bobby Coldsman: Good. Alen Menkin, a good friend of mine. You’ve got music?

Troy: No.

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Go!

Troy: [ singing ]

I can open your eyes.

Take you wonder by wonder..”

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! Who are you?

Troy: I’m Aladdin.

Bobby Coldsman: I don’t know. Are you?

Troy: Yes, I am.

Bobby Coldsman: No, you’re not. You’re Troy!

Troy: I’m Troy?

Bobby Coldsman: Look at this. [ sways his hands backwards and front ] This is something.. this is nothing, this something.. this is nothing, this is something.. this is nothing. Kelley! Who is he?

Kelley: Aladdin! Troy! Aladdin!

Bobby Coldsman: Shut up, you’re not listening! Brian, who is he?

Brian: Troy!

Bobby Coldsman: Good.

Brian: Aladdin? Troy!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! [ to Troy ] Sit! Brian, get up here. [ Brian stands up ] Quick story. Important story. A good lesson. A good friend of mine, David Hassellhoff – “Knight Rider”, “Baywatch”, “Batwatch Nights”, the list goes on.. five years ago, David calls me, five a.m., he’s been crying. He’s got a tough scene in which his car, Kitt, refuses to jump a bridge. David doesn’t know how to play the scene. I take the red out of Burbank. I say to him.. [ motions his hands again ] ..this is something.. this is nothing, this something.. this is nothing.” Five minutes later, he nails the scene! [ class sighs ] Jane, what’s your weakness!

Jane: Uh.. rejection!

Bobby Coldsman: Get out of here! Go home! [ solemn, Jane exits the class ] Brian! Weakness?

Brian: Uh.. emotion.

Bobby Coldsman: What are you working on?

Brian: Uh.. “Dead Man Walking”, where Susan Sarandon is watching Sean Penn being executed.

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t tell me about it! Do it! [ Brian holds his hand up ] You’re dying.. you’re dying.. you’re dying.. Focus, Brian! This isn’t “Scent of a Woman” – you’re not blind. Focus. Focus. Do you love your mother?

Brian: Yes.

Bobby Coldsman: No you don’t.

Brian: No..no, I don’t.

Bobby Coldsman: Yes you do!

Brian: I do..

Bobby Coldsman: Keep the hand up! Keep the.. sit down. [ Brian sits, still holding his hand up ] Brian’s young, he’s good.. but I’m gonna have to work with him in private. Hey, listen up! I’m gonna say one thing, and I’m only gonna say one thing – pilot season! That’s all I’m gonna say. Kelley, what’s your weakness?

Kelley: Um.. working with props.

Bobby Coldsman: What are yourking on?

Kelley: Um.. telephone with a beverage.

Bobby Coldsman: Good. Quick note: I don’t like women. They shouldn’t be in the business. Alright, go.

Kelley: [ stands up and does her act with a phone and a beverage ] Hello? No, I just walked through the door, why? [ sips ]

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! What are you drinking?

Kelley: Water.

Bobby Coldsman: No, you’re not. It’s buttermilk. Go!

Kelley: [ improvises ] Hello? No, I just walked in the door, why? [ sips and gags as though it’s buttermilk ] She is?

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! Kelley, you scare me. Why are you so scary?

Kelley: Because I..

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t answer! Why are you so scary?

Kelley: Because I..

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t answer! Why are you so scary? [ Kelley pauses ] no answer. Good. Sit down. Troy! Who are you?

Troy: I’m Aladdin!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Brian! Sean Penn’s stil dying! Keep that hand up, up, up! God work! Okay, everybody.. 20-minute mirror exercise. [ points to class members ] You’re a mouse. You’re a rock. You’re a tree. I’m gonna get a quick latte with Gordon Jump. I hope when I come back, I see future stars. See you in ten.

[ Bobby exits the classroom, as the students maintain their exercises to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 23rd, 1996

Phil Hartman

Gin Blossoms

None

Lorne Michaels

Adam McKay

Paula Pell

Dennis McNicholas
Heston’s Advice to DoleSummary: Charlton Heston (Phil Hartman) gives Bob Dole an image makeover.

Recurring Characters: Bob Bole, Charlton Heston.

Montage

Phil Hartman’s MonologueSummary: After having performed an exceptional number of impressions over the years, Phil Hartman has lost sense of his real identity.

Also Hosted: 96g.

Transcript

BugOffSummary: The roach motel that lets you torture roaches for a cheap thrill!

Note: Repeat from 11/11/95.

Leg UpSummary: Debbie Reynolds (Cheri Oteri) and Ann Miller (Molly Shannon) on a bygone era with Frank Sinatra (Phil Hartman).

Recurring Characters: Debbie Reynolds, Ann Miller, Frank Sinatra.

Acting classSummary: Acting teacher Bobby Coldsman (Phil Hartman) abuses his class of acting hopefuls while name-dropping the likes of Gordon Jump.
Recurring Characters: Bobby Coldsman, Troy, Brian, Kelley.

Transcript

Roxbury GuysSummary: Brothers Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) try to attract women at the Roxbury club.

Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) makes a quick comment on budget cutbacks. Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) comments about how black actors are being snubbed during the Academy Awards.
Recurring Characters: Frankenstein, Jesse Jackson.

Transcript

Gin Blossoms performs “Follow You Down”

You’re The ManSummary: While attempting an arrest, police office (Phil Hartman) tells guntoting Johnny DeSanto (Chris Kattan) that he’s the man.

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade delivers a movie-oriented Hollywood Minute.

Unfrozen Caveman LawyerSummary: Naive-acting Cirroc (Phil Hartman) defends a tobacco company.

Recurring Characters: Cirroc.

Transcript

Gin Blossoms performs “Memphis Time”

TaddliSummary: Talk show host Taddli (Mark McKinney) chastises his pot-smoking guests.

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey remembers the time as a kid when he stuck his head out of the car window and accidentally knocked a dog’s head off.

Note: Repeat from 12/16/95.

Goodnights

]]>

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Uncle JohnSummary: Uncle John (Phil Hartman) engages in peculiar vices while recording a commercial for his buttermilk flapjacks.

Note: This sketch appears as a bonus feature on the Best of Phil Hartman DVD.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15

95o: John Goodman / Everclear

The Real World III

Kristen…..Cheri Oteri
Terry…..Mark McKinney
Chloe…..Molly Shanno
Hoagie…..Jim Breuer
Annabel…..Nancy Walls
Chris…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

[ Segment #3 opens with Bob Dole waking up to the sound of Hoagie watching the “Today Show” ]

Bob Dole: What the hell are you doing! It’s your turn to wake up people! I’m late for the “Today Show”!

[ cut to Chloe explaining the current living situation ]

Chloe: Bob told me that he used to be very afriad to get close to people, and that Elizabeth was the very first person he had ever.. gotten naked with.. and.. he said, “Chloe, it was so scary”. And I said, “I know.” And he said Elizabeth just held him, and he said he used to have to have little glasses of wine because he’d get so nervous getting naked with a woman.. or getting naked.. or thoughts of getting naked with a woman..

[ show Bob entering the bathroom while Annabel is in the shower. He smiles when he sees her naked silhoette, but runs away when she spots his voyeurism. ]

[ cut to Annabel’s final meeting to discuss Bob’s behaviro ]

Annabel: So, he’s just standing there, staring at me in the shower.. and he’s got this really creepy look on his face..

Chris: Yeah, his face always looks creepy.

Terry: What about his freak-out over the chair?

Hoagie: Let’s do it. Let’s kick him out of the house.

Chloe: Yeah! Let’s do it!

[ camera shows Bob spying on the meeting from behind a curtain. As REM’s “Everybody Hurts” plays, Bob turns his face to the side to reveal a lone tear fall from his eye. ]

[ cut to Chris summarizing the scene ]

Chris: I don’t know.. he just got angry, you know.. Again, it’s, like, “Mine, mine, mine”, you know? And it’s not even.. you know, none of the furniture is ours, it’s all M-TV’s, you know? So, I don’t even know what that was all about..

[ show Bob Dole walking down the street with a suitcase, and dragging his favorite chair behind him ]

[ The End ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15

95o: John Goodman / Everclear

The Real World II

Kristen…..Cheri Oteri
Terry…..Mark McKinney
Chloe…..Molly Shanno
Hoagie…..Jim Breuer
Annabel…..Nancy Walls
Chris…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

[ Segment #2 opens on Hoagie and Kristen arguing in the living room ]

Hoagie: Yes, it matters when! Because they’re my CDs, and I get to listen to ’em!

Kristen: Listen to you.. quit..

Hoagie: I dn’t wanna..!

[ Bob Dole walks past, tires of the argument, and kicks the back ofHoagie’s knee, sending him crashing to the ground ]

Kristen: Oh, my God!

[ cut to Chris explaining the living situation so far ]

Chris: Bob said, “No, I can’t get in touch with other people.”He said he had a fear of intimacy.. and I was just like, “Wow. Andyou’re going to be President?”

[ cut to Bob Dole in the bathroom, practicing speeches in front of the mirror ]

Bob Dole: “I’m President Bob Dole, I’m President of the UnitedStates, nice to meet you, Ambassador! [ laughs ] This must be your lovely wife? Assistant? Sorry. Oh, your wife passed on? Oh, I.. I.. uh.. no way I could have known. Rest assured, you have the condolences of the President of the United States, I’m President of the United States, I’m President Bob Dole, I’m President and I live in the White House!”

Hoagie: [ walks in, amazed at the sight before him ] You arepathetic, man..

[ cut to close-up of phone ringing ]

[ show Bob feeding the fish in the tank, as Kristen enters ]

Kristen: Hi, Bob.

Bob Dole: Hello, there.

Kristen: Oh.. Bob, some election guy called for you.

Bob Dole: Who was it?

Kristen: I forgot..

Bob Dole: What do you mean “you forgot”?! What did he say!

Kristen: I don’t know.. something about exit polls, and the state being wrong, or something like that..

[ cut to Terry summarizing the scene ]

Terry: We’re not being paid to be his secretary, and I’m not his secretary, and I wouldn’t be his secretary..

[ return to scene ]

Bob Dole: What state?! Good God, woman, did you get aname!

Kristen: No. I’m sure if it’s important, he’ll call back.

[ cut to Kristen summarizing the scene ]

Kristen: I think it’s safe to say that Bob and I have no communication, where communication is concerned.

[ show Terry and Chris talking in the bedroom in the middle of the night ]

Chris: And then what happened?

Terry: I go up in the bedroom, and there’s my boyfriend Joey having, like, hot sex with this other guy..

Chris: Oh, man, that’s rough. What did you say?

Terry: I called him “Chicken Hawk”, every name in the book.. I called him “Mochachino Boy Slut”, and I dumped, like, this KY jelly all over them. But we winded up having this amazing three-way, it was, like, my first..

Chris: Oh, my God.. congratulations.

Terry: Thank you, thank you.

Chris: Are you gonna see him again?

[ camera pans slowly up to see Bob Dole lying at the top of a bunk bed,eyes open wide, petrified at the contnet of the conversation that was woken him out of bed. ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15

95o: John Goodman / Everclear

The Real World I

Kristen…..Cheri Oteri
Terry…..Mark McKinney
Chloe…..Molly Shanno
Hoagie…..Jim Breuer
Annabel…..Nancy Walls
Chris…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

Kristen Voiceover: This is a true story..

Terry Voiceover: ..of seven strangers.

Chloe Voiceover: ..picked to live in a house..

Hoagie Voiceover: ..and have their lives taped.

Annabel Voiceover: Find our what happens..

Chris Voiceover: ..when people stop being polite..

Bob Dole Voiceover: ..and start getting real. The Real World”, Chicago.

[ cut to the housemates sitting around in a rap session ]

Chris: ..and I guess his motorcycle ran head into a gasoline truck..

[ everyone gasps ]

Annabel: When did this happen?

Chris: Yesterday. He’s in a coma.

[ Bob Dole, oblivious to the conversation, walks in angry, holding an empty peanut butter jar ]

Bob Dole: Who the hell ate my peanut butter?! Peanut butter!

Chris: I guess I did. Why?

Bob Dole: Yeah, well, now it’s gone! Next time, ask! Nobody eats Bob Dole’s peanut butter without asking!

Chris: Whatever..

[ cut to Annabel summarizing the scene ]

Annabel: Bob needed to work on his “people skills”..

[ cut back to the scene ]

Bob Dole: You wanna chip in, that’s a different story. Otherwise, keep your grubby hands out of Bob Dole’s peanut butter! [ throws the empty jar across the floor ]

[ cut to Annabel summarizing the scene ]

Annabel: So I called a house meeting..

[ cut to Bob Dole giving his version of the scene ]

Bob Dole: Bob Dole likes peanut butter. Bob Dole’s never made asecret of that.

[ cut to the meeting called by Annabel ]

Annabel: Okay. Look, the reason I called this meeting, alright, is because I think there’s some issues that we need to face.

[ Bob Dole stands over Terry, who’s sitting in a chair reading a book ]

Bob Dole: Get out of my chair!

Terry: Oh, relax, Senator.

Bob Dole: That’s Bob Dole’s chair, and everybody knows it! [ shoves Terry out of the chair ]

Chloe: Bob!

[ cut to summarizations of the scene from Terry, Hoagie, Bob Dole, andAnnabel ]

Terry: Bob flipped out over me being in his chair.. “his chair.”

Hoagie: You wanna bug like that over a chair – do your bug thing.

Bob Dole: [ silently shifts his eyes back and forth ]

Annabel: I called another house meeting.

[ cut to the new meeting called by Annabel ]

Annabel: Okay. We’re here to talk about the incident with his chair.

Kristen: It’s not even his chair.

Annabel: Bob, you have to understand you can’t always sit in your favorite chair.

[ show Bob trying to comfortable on a red bean bag ]

[ cut to Chloe talking about a separate incident ]

Chloe: I bought.. um.. a coat at a thrift store last week. It was my “special coat.” And, um.. I came in, and Bob’s dog had, um.. gone to the bathroom all over my coat..

[ show scene of Chloe discovering Bob’s dog peeing on her coat ]

Chloe: Who the f–k brought a dog here?!

[ cut back to Chloe’s summary ]

Chloe: And I said, “Bob, you know, you’re a nice guy..”[ show scene of Chloe bitching out Bob ]

Chloe: Well, you know what, Bob?! You should f–kin’ ask before you bring a f–kin’ dog home!

[ cut back to Chloe’s summary ]

Chloe: “I feel close to you”, I said, “but you have to be responsible. It’s not responsible to bring a dog into the house. You can’t let this happen.”

[ show Bob lying on the floor, his dog licking his face playfully ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15

95o: John Goodman / Everclear

John Goodman’s Monologue

…..John Goodman
…..Elle MacPherson
…..Jim Breuer
…..Norm MacDonald
…..Mark McKinney
…..Tim Meadows
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Molly Shannon
…..Nancy Walls

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — John Goodman!

John Goodman: Thank you! Thank you very much! It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for — can you believe it? The 7th time!

[ Cheers and applause ]

John Goodman: Now when you host five times, that puts you in the Five-Timers Club. And that’s great! Because you know what that gets you? 50% off at all participating Red Lobsters. And when you host six times, it gets even better! Lorne personally hands you the keys to a brand new Mercedes Benz convertible SL… and then he has you drive him to the opera. But when you host seven times, that’s the sweetest!

[ John gives a “sweet life” kiss. ]

John Goodman: Because you don’t have to do the monologue. That’s right! You can do whatever you want — like right now, I want to sit down!

[ Dignitary music plays as two stagehands place down a throne adorned with a large “7” on top. Elle MacPherson comes on home base and places a “7” crown on John’s head while holding a “7” scepter. ]

Elle MacPherson: Here’s your scepter.

[ John takes the scepter. ]

John Goodman: Why thank you, supermodel Elle MacPherson!

[ Elle curtsies and departs. John heads to his throne. ]

John Goodman: She a 10 and I’m a 7! Here we go — I’m going to sit back and have my favorite beverage — a Seven & Seven!

[ A crew member hands him the beverage. ]

John Goodman: You know, this reminds me of my film “King Ralph”, which, seven people went to go see! Coincidence? I think not. One of the great things about hosting seven times is Lorne gives you access to his secret remote control. Let’s take a look, shall we?

[ John grabs a remote control on the throne and pushes a button. ]

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – THE CONTROL ROOM ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s the control room. Pretty cool, huh?

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – MOLLY’S DRESSING ROOM ]

[ Molly Shannon’s rested on her couch, rehearsing tonight’s script. ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s Molly going over her lines.

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – TIM’S DRESSING ROOM ]

[ Tim Meadows is flexing his muscles in front of the mirror. ]

Tim Meadows: Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

John Goodman (V/O): That’s Tim. I don’t know what he’s doing.

Tim Meadows: Whoo-oo!!

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – LADIES ROOM ]

John Goodman (V/O): Ladies room! Cool!!

[ A toilet flushes. The stall opens. Nancy Walls emerges and adjusts her hair as she leaves. ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s Nancy Walls.

[ Mark McKinney exits the same stall and zips his pants. ]

John Goodman (V/O): And that’s Mark McKinney!

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – CONTROL ROOM ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s boring. I’ve already seen that.

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – NORM’S DRESSING ROOM ]

[ Norm MacDonald’s emceeing a cockfight with several Mexican gamblers. ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s Norm getting ready for Update.

[ Back to Home Base. ]

John Goodman: Cool. But the best part about hosting seven times — I can make the cast do whatever I want! Jim Breuer!

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – MAKEUP ROOM ]

[ Jim Breuer’s getting make-up applied. ]

Jim Breuer: Yeah, John? I’m kind of busy getting ready.

John Goodman (V/O): I don’t think so.

[ SPLIT SCREEN BETWEEN JOHN AND JIM ]

John Goodman: I want you to come out here and do that thing you did last night while we were at dinner?

Jim Breuer: What thing?

John Goodman: You know — that impression of Alanis Morissette singing about Bob Dole.

Jim Breuer: John, we were drunk last night. I don’t think — I don’t — no, I don’t want to do it. No.

John Goodman: Lorne…

[ Lorne Michaels is watching the monologue on a monitor under the bleachers. ]

John Goodman (V/O): Is Jim doing it?

[ Lorne nods. ]

[ SPLIT SCREEN BETWEEN JOHN AND JIM ]

John Goodman: See you soon!

[ Jim is pissed. ]

[ Back to Home Base. ]

John Goodman: You see, Jim & I went out last night for St. Patty’s Day and had one too many… actually seven too many! And I think combined, we both threw up seven times. Now let’s get some production values.

[ Two large Dole for President Posters, plastered with Dole’s face, drop down. John gets up. ]

John Goodman: Ladies and gentlemen, in honor of my 7th time hosting and because I want to see it, here’s Jim Breuer as Alanis Morissette singing about Bob Dole!

[ John goes back to his throne. Jim enters dressed as Alanis Morissette. ]

Jim Breuer: [ Alanis’ Voice ] Hit it boys!

[ INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC: “HAND IN MY POCKET” ]

Jim Breuer: [singing]
“He’s wrinkly but rugged
He’s grey but his hair is dyed
Liver spots on his forehead, Ba-by!!”

“What is all comes down to, my Republican friend,
Are the delegates on his si-ii-de!?
Because Bob’s got one hand in his pocket,
While Clinton’s hand squeezing some girl’s behind!”

[ John winks to the camera. ]

“He was friend with Bob Hope’s dad
He’s old but doesn’t drool
Okay he drools but not a lot
Not as much as Re-aa-gan!!!”

[ John’s swaying to the song. ]

“What is all comes down to, my Republican friend,
Are the delegates on his si-ii-de!?
Because Bob’s got one hand holding a pencil,
While the other one’s giving a victory sign!”

[ Jim starts playing the harmonica solo on the song. John gets up and claps. Jim exits. ]

John Goodman: Thank you, Jim! Everclear is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts