SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18

95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Mood Music

Man…..Chris Kattan
Date…..Teri Hatcher

[ open on Man and his Date sitting on the couch in front of a bay window, sipping wine; generic music plays on the sound system ]

Date: I love this wine.

Man: Isn’t it great?

Date: Yeahhh.

Man: It’s from.. So-no-ma!

Date: Well, I really like it!

Man: [ seductively ] How about.. a little nighttime music?

Date: Why don’t you put on something.. romantic..

[ their lips move incredibly close together ]

Man: I know just the song. [ struts over to his sound system along the opposite wall, taking a seductive look back at his date ] You’re gonna love this.

[ Man puts on a Latin rhythm, as he motions back to his date. He sort of tiptoes toward the coach, gyrating his body against the couch as he leans in close for a kiss.. then suddenly jerks upward ]

Man: Wait..! [ runs back to the sound system, turns the music off ]

Date: [ really into the music and seduction ] Wha-what is it?

Man: Nothing. I’ve just got something much better!

Date: Well, I-I kinda liked that..

Man: You liked that, you’re gonna love this – it’s per-FECT! [ looks at his date with a sexual longing ]

[ Man puts on a new song, with an electronic drumbeat and records scratching. He moves closer to his date, reaching out and peeking from behind the arm of the couch like a cat, pawing at her playfully ]

Man: Wait..! [ runs back to the sound system and turns the music off again ]

Date: What was wrong with that song..?

Man: I’ve just got something much better!

Date: Ohh.. [ slighty sarcastic ] Well, gee.. I can’t wait..

Man: [ overexcited ] I can’t, either! I can’t WAIT!! [ looks back at her again with that sexual longing ]

[ Man turns on a soothing female vocal performance, then makes his way toward the couch twisting one leg around the other, then breaks into a series of pre-Mango dance moves. His Date seems slightly interested, until he begins to push the couch to the side with his thrusting pelvis; now she’s perturbed, and he senses it and runs to turn off the sound system again. ]

Man: [ upset ] Well, you obviously didn’t like that song!

Date: Well, i-it wasn’t the song.. Why don’t we just try it without the music? You know.. come on over here! Come on! [ he’s relunctant to come back ] Come on!

Man: [ shaking his head ] I-i can’t! I look like an idiot! [ motions the vast emptiness of the room, especially now that he’s pushed the couch practically out of frame ] Look all the space here! I need something to carry me over! You know, some kind of a.. rhythm.. you know? Some kind of, uh.. [ snaps his fingers ] I know just the song! [ looks at her with that sexual longing ]

[ Man puts on an African beat, moving towards the couch with a dance than looks more fruity than sensual ]

Date: [ sighs ] Sit down!

Man: But I was just-

Date: [ pushes him onto the couch ] Just sit down.. Shaka Zulu! Let me show you how it’s done.

[ his Date puts on a lite jazz tune, moving toward the couch with a slow, sexy rhythm, stretching her body out and rubbing up and down her legs. She reaches the couch, rubs her hands on Man’s legs, then falls backward over the arm to kiss the Man in an upward position. ]

Man: [ suddenly busts out laughing ]

Date: [ upset ] What are you laughing at?!

Man: What.. nothing.. What are you doing with your body there! Hey, come on! It’s kind of cra-zy! What’s this? [ mimics her dance moves ]

Date: That’s it! I’m going home!

Man: Oh, no, no! I-I-I’m sorry! Wa-wait a second.. I’m sorry, okay? [ a beat ] You sure you don’t want to dance home!

Date: Oh!

Man: Come on! Let’s do that again, whatever that was! What was that?!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18

95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Teri Hatcher’s Monologue

…..Teri Hatcher
…..Will Ferrell
…..Nancy Walls
…..Tim Meadows

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Teri Hatcher!

Teri Hatcher: Thank you very much! It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! A lot of you know me from my TV show “Lois & Clark”, where I play Lois. The main difference in this version of Superman is that I, Lois Lane, know that Clark Kent is Superman. [ as if dumbfounded ] I mean, how could you not know? Clark Kent wears glasses, and Superman doesn’t, right? I mean, granted it did take me two seasons to figure that out..

Anyway, I had a lot of fun this week. In fact, Will Ferrell had flowers delivered before the show, and he gave me the sweetest note. I just want to read it to you. [ opens the note and reads ] Uh.. “Dear Teri-kins..” [ laughs ] That’s what he calls me! Um.. well.. you know what? Will should read this. [ looks offstage ] Will!

[ Will Ferrell appears onstage ]

Will Ferrell: Yeah. No problem. [ takes the note, and puts on a pair of glasses for improved vision ]

Teri Hatcher: You guys are just gonna LOVE this! [ she looks toward Will, but notices a strange man in glasses instead ] Oh, my God..!

Will Ferrell: [ reading ] “Dear Teri-kins..”

Teri Hatcher: [ panicked ] Who are you?!

Will Ferrell: [ confused ] Uhhh.. what’s the matter, Teri? I’m just reading the note.

Teri Hatcher: Who are you?! Where did Will go?! Security!!

Will Ferrell: No, Teri! Whoa-oa-oa, look! [ removes his glasses ]

Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Ohh!

Will Ferrell: Yeah.

Teri Hatcher: Oh, my God.. oh, Will.. some creep was just up here, I was so scared!

Will Ferrell: Uh.. Teri, that was me..

Teri Hatcher: Oh, no no.. this guy was really freakish-looking..

Will Ferrell: No, no, no.. Teri, just watch. Look, look.. [ alternates between wearing the glasses and not wearing the glasses ] Will. Will. Will. Will. Will.. Will. Do you understand? I’m always Will. [ can see Teri is inable to grasp the concept, looks offstage for help ] Uh.. Nancy, could you come up here and help us with something?

[ Nancy Walls steps onstage, wearing a pair of glasses ]

Teri Hatcher: Who are you?

Nancy Walls: I’m Nancy Walls.

Teri Hatcher: Wait.. you’re not Nancy Walls.

Nancy Walls: Yeah, it’s me.. [ removes her glasses ]

Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Nancy!! Ohhh, my Gooood.. oh, you wouldn’t believe it – there was just some crazy woman uo here pretending to be you!

Nancy Walls: No, no, no.. it’s just these glasses. Here. [ puts the glasses on Teri ] Now, look in the monitor. [ points Teri the monitor they all appear on ]

Teri Hatcher: [ annoyed at the sight she sees on the monitor ] Who is that woman? I thought I was hosting the show tonight..?

Will Ferrell: No no, no no.. you are hosting the show tonight. [ removes the glasses from Teri’s face ]

Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Ohhh, good! Ohhh, I’ve been working so hard on it all week!

[ Tim Meadows walks onstage, wearing a pair of glasses ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, guys, what’s going on?

Teri Hatcher: [ worried ] Who’s this guy?

Tim Meadows: Oh. I’m sorry. [ removes his glasses and smiles at Teri ]

Teri Hatcher: I still don’t know who this guy is.

Tim Meadows: I-I’m Tim Meadows.. I’ve been in the cast for, like, eight years.

Teri Hatcher: What are your hit characters?

Tim Meadows: [ sullen ] I don’t.. have any, really..

Teri Hatcher: Ohh.. [ putting him on ] Oh, well, I’m sure you’ll get some! [ to the audience ] We have a great show for you! Dave Matthews Band is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18

95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

The Princess and the Homeboy

G-Dog…..Tim Meadows
Princess…..Teri Hatcher
Daddy…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: Get ready, America, ’cause next Monday there’s a surprise in store for “The Fresh Prince” and for L.L. Cool J! You see, a new brother’s moving to the ‘hood, and he’s as legit as they come!

[ G-Dog enters through the front door of a suburban home ]

G-Dog: Yo, what’s up, [ bleep ]? Where the [ bleep ] at?

Announcer: “The Princess and the Homeboy”

Princess: I’ll thank you not to use that kind of languagein this house.

G-Dog: Yeah? Well, I’ll Thank you to shut the [ bleep ] up! Now go make me a [ bleeping ] sandwich!

Announcer: Rupert Records’ recording artist, G-Dog, is going from Compton to the country club, and life around the Anderson home is about to be turned upside-down!

[ cut to father-daughter chat ]

Daddy: Look, right before G-Dog’s father passed away, I promisedhim that G-Dog could live here with us.

Princess: But, Dad, he just got out of prison, and he’s driving me bonkers!

G-Dog: [ pops his head up from behind the couch ] What are you[ bleep ] talking about? Some [ bleep ]?

Daddy: Oh, dear!

Announcer: Matt Roush of USA Today says, “Me and my homeys have never laughed so hard. This is my new favorite ‘hood – even though I’m not black, and I never watch TV and I’m an idiot!”

[ cut to Anderson living room, G-Dog watching TV while wating an icecream cone ]

Princess: G-Dog, that was my ice cream cone!

G-Dog: Yeah? [ flips it upside-down and plants it on his crotch ] Well, come and get it [ bleep ]!

Princess: G-Dog, I’m serious! You know my favorite show is on now!

G-Dog: Oh, [ bleep ] that! I ain’ watchin’ no [ bleep ] “Friends”! Go [ bleep ] yourself, you dumb bitch!

Announcer: He’s a thug-rapper. She’s a suburban princess. Sounds like these two were made for each other!

[ cut to G-Dog’s dog barking at Princess ]

Princess: G-Dog, your pit bull is scaring me!

G-Dog: You touch that [ bleep ] dog, I’ll cut your [ bleeping ]head off!

[ Daddy enters ]

Daddy: Oh, no.. are you two at it again?

G-Dog: Yo! Back the [ bleep ] off, you dumb [ bleep ]

Princess: Yeah, you [ bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep ]

G-Dog & Princess: [ bleep ] you!!

Daddy: Oh, double dear!

Announcer: “The Princess and the Homeboy”. Coming this Mondayon NB [ bleep ] C.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 20th, 1996

Teri Hatcher

Dave Matthews Band

None

Steve Higgins

Paula Pell
Unabomber Defense TeamSummary: The Unabomber Ted Kaczynski (Will Ferrell) meets a group of defense attorneys who would like to handle his case.

Recurring Characters: Ted Kaczynski, Johnny Cochran, Leslie Abramson, F. Lee Bailey.

Transcript

Montage

Teri Hatcher’s MonologueSummary: Teri Hatcher is unable to recognize cast members whenever they’re wearing glasses.

Transcript

Old Glory InsuranceSummary: Sam Waterston endorses the insurance plan that protects elderly people against robot attacks.

Note: Repeat from 11/18/95.

Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Prop girl Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) vies for the role of Maria in “West Side Story.”

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher, Sean Patrick Flannery.

Mood MusicSummary: A man (Chris Kattan) searches for the perfect seductive mood music to use on his date (Teri Hatcher).

Transcript

The Princess & The HomeboySummary: G-Dog (Tim Meadows) cramps a suburban princess’ (Teri Hatcher) style, in a new comedy from NBC!

Recurring Characters: G-Dog.

Transcript

Spartan CheerleadersSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) part ways when he’s offered the chance to be a real Spartan cheerleader.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Golfer Greg “The Shark” Norman (Mark McKinney) ponderss a more appropriate nickname.

Transcript

Dave Matthews Band performs “Too Much”Also Appeared: 94r, 00m, 03e.

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade (Teri Hatcher) and Teri Hatcher (David Spade) insult one another’s careers.

Recurring Characters: David Spade, Teri Hatcher.

Transcript

The Local NewsSummary: Average suburban man Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) hosts a local talk show in his basement.

Recurring Characters: Joe Blow, Uncle Frank, Janette Blow, Joe, Jr.

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls a worm-eating bet from his childhood.

St. Gabriel’s Rummage SaleSummary: While on vist from an outside parish, Barb’s (Cheri Oteri) cousin Sheila (Teri Hatcher) challenges Gail Lafferty’s (Nancy Walls) authority.

Recurring Characters: Gail Lafferty, Barb, Mary.

Dave Matthews Band performs “So Much To Say”

Petchow Rat PoisonNote: Repeat from 02/17/96.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 17

95q: Steve Forbes / Rage Against The Machine

Unabomber Class Reunion

FBI Agent #1…..Jim Breuer
Ted Kaczynski…..Will Ferrell
James…..David Koechner
Rita…..Nancy Walls
George…..Norm MacDonald
Edward…..Mark McKinney
Emily…..Molly Shannon
Walter…..Chris Kattan

[ open on interior, Harvard University Class Reunion – Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, shackled, enters with two FBI agents in tow ]

FBI Agent #1: You have ten minutes, Ted!

Ted Kaczynski: Fellas, thanks again for letting me come to this – a class reunion doesn’t happen very often! And, I tell ya, it feels like I never left!

James: [ aproaching ] Oh, my God! Don’t tell me.. don’t tell me.. uh.. uh..

Ted Kaczynski: [ covers his nametag ] No peeking!

James: [ laughs ] Ted Kaczynski! Where did they find you?!

[ they hug ]

Ted Kaczynski: Jimmy Mallory, you old pool shark! how the hell are you?

James: Not bad.. So, what have you been up to?

Ted Kaczynski: I’ve been doing a lot of writing..

James: Yeah, really? You, uh, get anything published?

Ted Kaczynski: Yeah. One thing.

James: So, uh.. where have you been living now?

Ted Kaczynski: I’ve got this great little place up in the woods. It’s real secluded, gives me a lot of time to tinker around with my hobbies..

James: Oh, ho ho! I remember your hobbies! [ mimes smoking marijuana ]

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, cut it out! [ laughs ] You son of a gun! Hey, did I introduce Stu and Mike here for you? [ acknowledges the FBI Agents ]

James: No, you didn’t. How you doing, fellas? [ shakes FBI Agents’ hands ]

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, excuse me, boys. I think I’m gonna mingle. The ladies await! [ steps behind Rita and covers her eyes ] Guess who!

Rita: Um.. um.. um.. [ feels his chains ] Ted Kaczynski! [ turns around ] You heartbreaker!

Ted Kaczynski: Guilty as charged! [ laughs and hugs her ]

Rita: Oh, my God! You look great!

Ted Kaczynski: Thank you. I feel good!

Rita: You know, I still have that 400-page love letter you sent me.

Ted Kaczynski: Oh, that’s sweet.

Rita: Hey, do they still call you “Casanova” Kaczynski?

Ted Kaczynski: No.. actually, I’ve got a different nickname these days..

Rita: Oh, hey, hey, how’s your brother doing?

Ted Kaczynski: Well.. to tell you the truth, we’re not really getting along these days.. [ points across the room ] Hey, look! Is that that ol’ practical joker, George Graham?

Rita: Yeah. Didn’t he stick your face in the toilet and flush it? And then he replaced your toothpaste with Preperation H?

Ted Kaczynski: Yeah, that’s him. Here he comes!

George: [ hobbles up on crutches, missing one arm, and a bandage on his head ] Hey-ey, Ted Kaczynski! Hey listen, buddy, sorry about all that stuff I did back in our old college days! I hope you don’t hold a grudge!

Ted Kaczynski: Oh, no, no.. I got all that off of my chest. Let’s let bygones be bygones.

George: Alright, then! [ hobbles off ]

Edward: Oh, my God! It’s Ted Kaczynski! Isn’t it?

[ other classmates surround Ted ]

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, the whole gang’s here! Hey, Eddie, what are youup to these days?

Edward: Well, Ted, I’m an industrialist..

James: No way! I’m an industrialist, too!

Emily: Me, too! I chop down trees and build computers. [ turns to Walter ] What about you?

Walter: I work for a company that dumps ink into the ocean.

Ted Kaczynski: Well.. that’s just great. You know, guys, we’ve just gotta keep in touch. Hey, make sure you give me all your addresses before you leave, okay? [ everyone hands their business card to Ted, as the FBI Agents pull him back ] Hey, look, I gotta go, guys..

George: Ted, wait! I brought you that package you sent me! I’ve been waiting to open it!

Ted Kaczynski: Oh.. you know what, George..? That package is really a present for all you guys.. [ everyone awws ] Now, don’t open it until I’m gone, because I’ll get embarrassed..

James: Tell you what, Ted? At least read the card.

Ted Kaczynski: Oh, okay! [ grabs the card ] I’m having the best time! [ reads card ] “To all my chums from the Class of ’62.. Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 17

95q: Steve Forbes / Rage Against The Machine

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
…..Steve Forbes
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald
Pat Buchanan…..David Koechner

Ted Koppel Voiceover: First, there was the bestseller “Primary Colors”.. and now, another book about presidential politics has been written. This time it is a “fictional” account of the 1996 Republican Primary. The book is titled “Election Colors”, and has once again been written by an anonymous author. Tonight, we take a look at this new bestselling book.

[ blend to “Nightline” opening ]

Announcer: This is “Nightline”. Reporting live from Washington, Ted Koppel.

Ted Koppel: With us tonight to talk about this new bestseller are three of the major candidates who were involved in the 1996 Republican Primary. Senator Bob Dole, Pat Buchanan, and magazine publisher Steve Forbes. Mr. Forbes, let’s start with you.

Steve Forbes: [ giddy ] Hi, Ted!

Ted Koppel: Mr. Forbes, I assume you’ve read this so-called “fictional” account of the Repubican Primary?

Steve Forbes: Yes, I have, Ted.

Ted Koppel: Then, I assume you’re familiar with this passage: [ text appears on screen ] “Millionaire Teve Torbes was a maverick candidate who had Washington insiders running scared. He also had an undeniable animal magnetism that drove the ladies crazy. It was clear Teve Torbes had it goin’ on.” Since this portrays you in such a positive light, Mr. Forbes, many people have suggested that you are the author of the book.

Steve Forbes: [ smiling ] Well, Ted, I’m flattered by your suggestion. But I didn’t write the book.

Ted Koppel: Mr. Forbes, clearly the character named “Teve Torbes” represents you.

Steve Forbes: Well, that’s one way to interpret it. I mean, the description of the character ind of fits my profile as a verile, charismatic leader of men. But, then again, my name isn’t “Teve Torbes” – it’s Steve Forbes.. which is different! Maybe it represents somebody named “Leve Norbes”.

Ted Koppel: Oh, come on! Come on! The character obviously is you! Just like “At Buchanan” is supposed Pat Buchanan, “Dob Bole” is Bob Dole, and Lamar Alexander is represented by “Lamar Alexander 2”.

Steve Forbes: Well, it seems like the author has done a very good job of disguising those names! Ted, there is one passage I find particularly interesting, if I may?

Ted Koppel: Well.. certainly.

Steve Forbes: It’s on page 42. The anonymous author writes on page 42: [ text appears on screen ] “The ladies loved Teve Torbes’ brilliant tax plan. That and the fact that he had a musky Victor Mature-like scent. no. Teve Torbes was definitely not a geek with a crooked smile. He was a babe magnet. Did I mention hos much the ladies love me, I mean him?”

Ted Koppel: Mr. Forbes, did you write this book?

Steve Forbes: No.

Ted Koppel: Senator Dole, any comments?

Bob Dole: Steve Forbes. Steve Forbes wrote the book. I recognize his awkaward prose anywhere.

Ted Koppel: Senator, I take you’ve read the book?

Bob Dole: Ah, Bob Dole’s read the book. Let me tell you osmething – the instruction manual to Bob Dole’s VCR is more exciting, ha ha ha!

Ted Koppel: Senator, you certainly weren’t treated very well by the author. On page 142, he writes: “I don’t think Grenator Dole is handling the pressure very well.” [ confused ] “Grenator”? I don’t know why the author felt he had to disguise the word “Senator”.. Anyway, he goes on to say: “Today, Dob Bole leaned over to me, and said, ‘If family values means stealing the taxpayers’ money and sniffing model glue, I’m way into family values!'”

Bob Dole: That’s a lie! Bob Dole would never say anything like that! Steve Forbes, you wrote this book, and you know it!

[ Forbes shakes his head no ]

Ted Koppel: The Senator has a point, Mr. Forbes. I mean, for God’s sake, on the Dedication page, it says: “To my lovely wife, Telen Torbes, and my beautiful daughters Tatherine, Tabina, Taberta, Taura and Telizabeth.

Steve Forbes: I wonder who those people are?

Ted Koppel: Well, at this point, I’d like to bring GOP candidate Pat Buchanan into the discussion.

Pat Buchanan: Hello, Ted. I just hope we can get to the bottom of these malicious lies.

Ted Koppel: Mr. Buchanan, the author is obviously referring to you when he says on page 245: “And then, I saw At Buchanan kick his Nicaraguan gardener and say, ‘Teve Torbes, I enjoy your musky Victor Mature-like scent.'”

Pat Buchanan: Ted, that was just a lie. Mostly.

Steve Forbes: Read on, Ted!

Ted Koppel: Alright. On page 167, the author continues: “I was on Ched Choppel’s show ‘Pightline’, when, during a commercial break, Ched confessed to me that he often engages in autoerotic asphyxiation.” Now, that was unnecessary. And then it goes on to say: “It was on Ched’s show that At Buchanan and Teve Torbes first agreed that Dob Bole should drop out. At said, ‘Teve, what about Dob?’ Then Dob motioned for At to come towards Steve..” [ text appears on screen ] ..”Teve Torbes, At, Dob Bole, Uchanan, Ucotos, Ucomos, Ucant, Teve, At, Bole, Dat, Boba Fet, Toni Kukoc, Bee-Bo-Bo, Lamar Alexander 2.” Gentlemen, reactions?

Steve Forbes: That’s wonderful writing!

Bob Dole: Ah, I’ve just got one thing to say to you, Tteve Torbes – tuck off!

Ted Koppel: And that’s all we have time for. Thank you, gentlemen, for joining me. From all of us at ABC News, this has been Ched Toppel in Washington, and good night.

[ dissolve to “Pightline” graphic ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 17

95q: Steve Forbes / Rage Against The Machine

Seattle Today

Stan Hooper….Norm MacDonald
Mary….Nancy Walls

(Opens with Stan and Mary sitting at a news desk. Pleasant music theme plays. Seattle Today logo.)

Mary: Good morning and welcome to Seattle Today. My guest today is the composite sketch artist who drew the famous picture of the Unabomber. He works for the FBI and we´re happy to have him. Welcome Stan.

Stan Hooper: Oh, thanks Mary. Its great to be here.

Mary: Ok, Stan, why don´t you explain how you create a composite sketch.

Stan Hooper: Well, simply put, I interview the eyewitnesses, sometimes as many as a hundred people, and I question about different facial features of the suspect. From that information I come up with a composite, then I turn that over to the FBI.

Mary: Well, this must be an exciting week for you because due to your hard work the FBI has captured the man they believe to be the Unabomber.

Stan Hooper: Yeah, its a good feeling.

Mary: Ok. Lets take a look at the composite sketch you drew of the Unabomber.

(Stan brings out the famous sketch of the Unbabomber wearing a hooded sweatshirt, big dark sunglasses and a mustache)

Stan Hooper: (proud) Yeah, there it is.

Mary: Although I´m sure everyone´s familiar with it by now. And here is the picture of Ted Kaczynski, the man the FBI arrested last week. (Mary pulls out an actual mugshot picture of Ted with scraggly hair, a bushy beard and dark penetrating eyes. The sketch and the mugshot don´t look alike at all) Stan, do you think they got the right man?

Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah. That´s him. No doubt about it.

Mary: Well, the evidence certainly points that way. (Mary puts the mugshot picture away) And I noticed in the accounts that I read, that they didn´t find any hooded sweatshirts or sunglasses in Kaczynski’s cabin.

Stan Hooper: Well, that doesn´t surprise me at all. Did you know not one eyewitness I interviewed mentioned either a hood or a pair of sunglasses?

Mary: Really? Well, what did they describe?

Stan Hooper: They described a guy with scraggly hair, a big bushy beard and dark piercing eyes.

Mary: I see, well, that doesn´t seemed to show in your composite sketch here. Why you have him wearing a hood?

Stan Hooper: Um, I´m not good with hair. Hair and uh, eyes.

Mary: I see.

Stan Hooper: Yeah, you see, a good composite sketch artist knows his limitations and he uses various techniques to compensate for those limitations.

Mary: Really? What kind of techniques?

Stan Hooper: Well, for instance, as I said, the eyewitnesses all described a man with dark penetrating eyes. Now I could no more draw dark penetrating eyes than I could the Mona Lisa or a big bushy beard. So, if you look here what I did was I drew giant mirrored sunglasses on. That way, who´s to say how his eyes look like under there.

Mary: Right. And that explains the hood.

Stan Hooper: Yes. This is another technique I use. To help me avoid the whole….hair thing. (puts sketch away)

Mary: Well, I see. Now, the Unabomber has been your most famous subject but you´ve had a long career. Let´s look at some of your other work.

Stan Hooper: Great.

Mary: Uh?

(Stan pulls out a sketch of a man with a ten gallon hat and big dark sunglasses)

Stan Hooper: Yes, here we go. The first one is a…this is of a man they called “The Ten Gallon Hat Killer”.

Mary: Because he wore a ten gallon hat during his killings?

Stan Hooper: No, no. He never wore a ten gallon hat. No, the nickname came from the sketch. Interesting story about this guy though, according to eyewitnesses I spoke to, he actually had square eyes. I never heard of such a thing. Another interesting thing, never been caught. (puts sketch away)

Mary: Ok. Why don´t you tell us about this next one.

Stan Hooper: All right. Now, the next one, he´s been at large for about 20 years. This guy even shoots people at random. I´ll tell you something, very hard to catch a killer who seems to have no motive. That´s why these sketches are so very important. There we go. (brings out a very similar sketch, a guy with a big chef´s hat and big, dark sunglasses) Yeah, the press took the name from this guy, “The Chef Hat Killer”.

Mary: Because you drew him with a chef´s hat?

Stan Hooper: Yeah, that´s right. Before that they called him “The Scar”.

Mary: Why is that?

Stan Hooper: He has a huge scar on his face.

Mary: Where?

Stan Hooper: Well, its right around here. (Stan points under the hat into the forehead) You can´t see it because this oversized chef hat.

Mary: You´re not good with scars, are you?

Stan Hooper: No, no. Scars and hair and eyes are not good for me. Beauty marks I have a problem with too. Moles. Cheeks are tricky. Eyebrows…

Mary: Well, that´s all the time we have. We´ll see you next time.

Stan Hooper: ….freckles I´ve never been able to get a handle on….pimples….(Stan continues reciting his limitations)

(Seattle Today logo)

(Cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 17

95q: Steve Forbes / Rage Against The Machine

Forbes On Forbes

Mark McKinney…..Steve Forbes #2
…..Steve Forbes

Steve Forbes #2: Hello. I’m Steve Forbes, and welcome to “Forbes On Forbes”. Joining me today, as usual, is my co-host, Steve Forbes. Mr. Forbes, welcome.

Steve Forbes: It’s a pleasure to be here, Steve Forbes.

Steve Forbes #2: Well, it’s always a pleasure to debate you. But I can’t help but notice hat you seem to have gone a little crazy, and put on a yellow tie today.

Steve Forbes: I don’t know what drove me to it. I can only guess that it’s a full moon tonight!

Steve Forbes #2: [ laughs maniacally ] Well.. enough levity. Let’s get started.

Steve Forbes: Agreed. Okay, first point for debate on tonight’s show: Is the Flat Tax a good idea? Steve, I’ll let you tackle this first.

Steve Forbes #2: Well, thank you, Steve. Well, I might be going out on a limb here, but I thought the Flat Tax was an excellent plan for reforming our complicated tax system. But I’m sure you disagree.

Steve Forbes: Well, actually, I do agree with you. So, I hope there’s room for two out on that limb!

Steve Forbes #2: [ laughs maniacally ]

Steve Forbes: But, seriously, I think the Flat Tax offered an unprecedented opportunity for a simple and fair tax system for all Americans.

Steve Forbes #2: Well, I agree.

Steve Forbes: I agree.

Steve Forbes #2: Good. But that brings up an interesting point: Did this candidacy have to end when it did?

Steve Forbes: Well, reluctantly, I have to say yes. Although we put forth our ideas forcefully, I think to carry on this campaign would have been pointless.

Steve Forbes #2: Well, I have to disagree. I think the decision to end the Steve Forbes campaign was disasterous, particularly when you consider the Mark McKinney Factor.

Steve Forbes: [ confused ] The Mark McKinney Factor?

Steve Forbes #2: Yes. He’s a young entertainer on a nationally boradcast, live comedy show, who had just created a hit character of the candidate Steve Forbes, only to have you leave the race when his character was taking off.

Steve Forbes: Well, when I decided to leave the race, which was a very emotional, soul-searching time, I have to be honest – the Mark McKinney Factor was not high onour list of priorities.

Steve Forbes #2: Ah. So, are you prepared to admit that the entire Forbes candidacy was just an attempt to screw Mark McKinney?

Steve Forbes: No. No, the campaign was about bringing new ideas. New ideas about the Flat Tax..

Steve Forbes #2: [ interrupting ] Respectfully, Mr. Forbes, could you shut up about the Flat Tax? Mark McKinney is Canadian, and doesn’t even pay taxes in this country, or, at least, that’s what he’s going to be telling the IRS this year.

Steve Forbes: I think you’re being a little selfish.

Steve Forbes #2: I disagree. Do you realize how many hours Mr. McKinney spent studying videotapes, just so he could do an accurate impression of you?

Steve Forbes: Uh, well.. I thought the impression was sometimes amusing, but I’m not sure it was entirely accurate.

Steve Forbes #2: Oh, really? Well, if Mark McKinney was here, what flaws, if any, would you point out to him?

Steve Forbes: Well.. I don’t think he ever got my laugh quite right.

Steve Forbes #2: Well, how do you think Steven Forbes laughs?

Steve Forbes: [ demonstrating ] “Ha ha ha!”

Steve Forbes #2: Really? I think the laugh went more like this: [ laughs maniacally ]

Steve Forbes: Well, I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

Steve Forbes #2: Fine. Concluding remarks, Steve?

Steve Forbes: I think that we ran a good campaign, and brought many good ideas into the debate.

Steve Forbes #2: I agree. But I feel that it’s sad, that such an interesting campaign had to end on such a petty note of screwing Mark McKinney.

Steve Forbes: I’m Steve Forbes. Good night.

Steve Forbes #2: And, maybe for the last time, I’m Steve Forbes. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 13th, 1996

Steve Forbes

Rage Against The Machine

None

Adam McKay

Paula Pell
Unabomber Class ReunionSummary: While in shackles, Unabomber Ted Kaczynski (Will Ferrell) attends his college reunion and meets up with old friends.

Recurring Characters: Ted Kaczynski.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Forbes’ MonologueSummary: Steve Forbes answers audience questions about his proposed Flat Tax and massive wealth.

Grayson Moorhead Securities ISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines his investment principles, including keeping a list of how much money each client has invested and to feign listening to the client.

Note: Repeat from 10/21/95.

Drill Sergeant Suel ForresterSummary: Mumbly Sgt. Suel Forrester (Chris Kattan) reduces his soldiers to tears.

Recurring Characters: Suel Forrester.

NightlineSummary: A smug Steve Forbes won’t admit to having authored a slanderous tell-all book about the year’s Republican candidates.
Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Pat Buchanan, Bob Dole.

Transcript

Rita DelvecchioSummary: A college recruiter (Steve Forbes) visits Rita Delvecchio’s (Cheri Oteri) porch.

Recurring Characters: Rita Delvecchio.

Forbes on ForbesSummary: Steve Forbes’ dropout from the presidential race is bad news for his impressionist, Mark McKinney.
Recurring Characters: Steve Forbes.

Transcript

Grayson Moorhead Securities IISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines more of his investment principles, including what to do if his wife cals while he’s shagging his secretary.

Note: Repeat from 10/21/95.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Fred Wolf comments on recent personalized mail requests he’s received.

Rage Against The Machine performs “Bulls On Parade”Note: To show their opposition to Steve Forbes and his politics, the members of Rage Against the Machine hung two upside-down American flags from their amps, their metaphor for the inverted nature of American democracy. SNL and NBC sent stagehands to remove the flags before their performance, and the band was then asked to leave the building at the completion of that performance. The band had also planned on performing their song, “Bullet in the Head.”

RoofersSummary: A trio of roofers (Colin Quinn, David Koechner, Steve Forbes) slack off while on the job.

Seattle TodaySummary: While examining his sketch of the Unabomber suspect, Stan Hooper (Norm MacDonald) admits to his artistic shortcomings.

Recurring Characters: Stan Hooper.

Transcript

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls the time he splashed a kid with a puddle.

Gerald TibbinsSummary: Steve Forbes gets a haircut from barber student Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins (David Koechner).

Recurring Characters: Gerald Tibbins.

Recurring Characters: Gerald Tibbins.Summary: Wartime romantic barbs between Johnny Jones (Chris Kattan) and Dottie the waitress (Molly Shannon).

Florida BugsSummary: An angry bug (Jim Breuer) yells at a motorist (Steve Forbes) for hitting his brother (Chris Kattan) with his car.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Frankenstein…..Phil Hartman
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thanks, folks! I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: In Los Angeles this week, Lyle and Eric Mendendez were found guilty of first-degree murder. So, to review California law: killing your wife – legal; killing your parents – illegal.

In other political news, Texas billionaire Ross Perot announced this week that if his party wants him to run for President, he will. Accoridng to insiders, it is the first step of Perot’s plan to waste the last few years of Bob Dole’s life.

Yesterday, on “Rivera Live”, Kato Kaelin made the startling admission that he now thinks O.J. Simpson is guilty. Although, authorities suspect this may just be part of an attempt by Kato to crash at Fred Goldman’s place for a while.

Norm MacDonald: Well, last year, wildfires throughout the western United States destroyed an estimated 50,000 acres and over 300 homes. Now, many fear that with the new Republican-controlled Congress cutting the budgets of key Federal agencies such as the Forest Service and Army Corps of Engineers, fires this summer can be even more devestating. Here with a comment – Frankenstein.

Frankenstein: Fire bad!

Norm MacDonald: Frankenstein, everybody! Frankenstein.

Well, filming has finally begun on the long-awaited life story of Evita Peron, starring pop singer Madonna. According to the producers, the film is 100% accurate – except for the part where Mrs. Peron has group sex with the Houston Rockets.

A Minnesota woman has patented a batting helmet, that she designed for her daughter, that features a cutout in the back for a ponytail to poke through. The helmet will be marketed to young girls and damn, dirty hippies.

This winter, the state of Maine has a record 250 snowmobile accidents, most of them caused by drinking and speeding. Although, if you’re not drinking and speeding, what the hell’s the point of riding a damn snowmobile?

Norm MacDonald: Over the years, the Academy Awards have been criticized for regularly ignoring the achievements of actors, writers and directors of color. At Monday night’s Oscar ceremony, a protest will be held to draw attention to this issue. Here now, the organizer of the protest, the Reverand Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson: Thank you, Norman. Monday night, the 58th Annual Academy Awards will be held in Hollywood. No matter who wins, you know as well as I know who’s going to lose! African-American nominees. It seems recently, in Hollywood, all-white films is rapidly becoming the tradition of the day. Time after time, year after year.. Tinseltown black talent is ignored and feared. From screenwriters and set designers.. from costume makers to movie ticket-takers.. from dance boys and gaffers to post-production staffers.. from the top-down and not to the bottom up! Jibbety-jibbety and rat-a-tat-tat! I said to the committee, “Why? Why Tommy Lee Jones and not James Earl Jones? Why John Huston and not Whitney Houston? Why Sir John Gielgud and not Sir Mix-a-Lot? Why Liam Neeson and not.. the little boy who played Urkel?” And Norman, I don’t mean to sound mean.. but there was not one black in “Apollo 13”. So, Academy members, let’s show some humility! Pick “Waiting to Exhale”, and not “Sense and Sensibility”! Keep hope alive!

Norm MacDonald: Jesse Jackson. And that’s the way it is, folks. Good night, and good luck.

SNL Transcripts