Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Mariel Hemingway!
Mariel Hemingway: Thank you! Welcome to a brand new season of “Saturday Night Live”! There’s been a lot of changes over the summer, a lot of fresh faces for you to meet.. we’ve got a new director, new writers, a new set and a brand new cast, which I think is great! You know, I should be nervous, but my one appearance on one episode of “Roseanne” gives me more TV experience than most of the people I’m working with tonight, so hey! I’m feeling great! I’m so excited for you to meet them, so hey, let’s do it.
[ walks off the stage, past the audience to the back hallway ]
I want you to meet them as themselves, because they’re going to be playing a lot of different characters, and I know what it’s like for people to stop you on the street and treat you like the characters you play. Oh, there’s Dave Koechner and Will Ferrell. Hi, guys!
David Koechner: Hi, there!
Will Ferrell: How you doing?
Mariel Hemingway: I’m doing great! Have a great show!
David & Will: Thanks!
[ Mariel stops by the cast lockers, where Cheri Oteri and Mark McKinney stand ]
Mariel Hemingway: Cheri! Cheri Oteri. She is so funny. And look how cute she is. I just love her! [ reaches in and kisses Cheri on the lips ] Hey, have a great show! [ points behind Cheri ] There’s Mark McKinney!
[ Mariel turns down the next hallway ]
Mariel Hemingway: Come this way, this is great.. [ stops in front of Jim Breuer] Jim Breuer! He is such a great guy, so funny!
[ Mariel walks up to Darrell Hammond ]
Mariel Hemingway: Here’s Darrell Hammond, he does a great Leno! How you doing?
Darrell Hammond: Hi!
Mariel Hemingway: [ spots Molly Shannon ] Molly! Molly Shannon! Aw, what a doll you are! [ bends over and kisses Molly on the lips ] Hey, have a great show.
Molly Shannon: Thanks.
[ Mariel turns another corner, past Tim Meadows ]
Mariel Hemingway: So, come this way! Hi, Tim!
[ Mariel breezes past him ]
Mariel Hemingway: This is the Control Room! [ she enters ] This is a great place, this is where it all happens, guys. And this is Beth McCarthy, our new director. Can we talk about how cool she is? Oh, she’s great! She’s been helping me out all week.. she’s wonderful, I just love her! [ bends down to kiss Beth on the lips ] Hey, have a great show..
[ Mariel leaves the control room ]
Mariel Hemingway: Come this way, come on, keep going, we’re all excited here. This is great, it’s kind of like a maze around here..
[ Mariel reaches the Quick-Change Booth ]
Mariel Hemingway: Oh! This is where we do quick-changes.
[ Nancy Walls pokes her head out of the booth ]
Mariel Hemingway: Nancy Walls! Hey, shy girl! Oh, I just love her! [ kisses Nancy on the lips ] See you in a bit!
[ Mariel continues down the hall ]
Mariel Hemingway: Come this way.. [ walks past the back of Lorne Michaels ] Hey, Lorne – oh, Lorne, don’t forget to introduce me to your wife at the party tonight!
[ a pair of female NBC pages duck for cover as Mariel walks by ]
Mariel Hemingway: Come along.. this is Norm! [ acknowledges Norm MacDonald having his costume altered, then pinches the Costume Designer’s ass ] Bye, Norm!
[ returns to Home Base ]
Well, there you have it. The new cast of “Saturday Night Live”. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty excited! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Blues Traveler is here, andwe’ll be right back!
Ann Miller…..Molly Shannon Debbie Reynolds…..Cheri Oteri Elizabeth Berkeley…..Mariel Hemingway
Announcer: Welcome to Leg Up! With your hosts, Hollywood dance legend Ann Miller and Americas sweetheart Debbie Reynolds!
Ann Miller: Ive got great, great grandkids and my legs still kick!
Debbie Reynolds: Im sixty-three and I got sass up the ass!
Together: Welcome to Leg Up!
Debbie Reynolds: A show for dancers!
Ann Miller: About dancers!
Debbie Reynolds: Who love to dance!
Ann Miller: Thats right. Debbie, I gotta tell you. I dont mean to embarrass you honey but you look terrific. She doesnt get older, she gets younger.
Debbie Reynolds: Oh stop it.
Ann Miller: Its true!
Debbie Reynolds: Well you know what Annie, Im gonna take that compliment and toss it right back because someone has discovered the fountain of youth and isnt telling!
Ann Miller: Stop it.
Debbie Reynolds: Her lips are sealed. Shes not saying a word !She isnt telling!
Ann Miller: You know honey that you look like a teenage girl and its true.
Debbie Reynolds: Well youre a four year old.
Ann Miller: Youre a three year old!
Debbie Reynolds: Youre a two year old!
Ann Miller: Well youre a one year old!
Debbie Reynolds: Youre a fetus! Dont try to top me, youre a fetus!
Ann Miller: Oh, for crying out loud.
Debbie Reynolds: Our first guest today is starring in a controversial new film.
Ann Miller: Thats right, very controversial.
Debbie Reynolds: Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Showgirls….Annie where have I heard showgirls?
Ann Miller: Maybe right here!
Debbie Reynolds: Please welcome Miss Elizabeth Berkeley…..
Ann Miller: Terrific.
(Elizabeth Berkeley walks in wearing a very skimpy outfit)
Debbie Reynolds: Whooo!
Ann Miller: Well.
Debbie: Whoo!
Elizabeth Berkeley: So great to be here.
Ann Miller: Look at how young she is! Elizabeth you are a beauty.
Elizabeth Berkeley: Thank you.
Debbie Reynolds: Shes so stunning Id like to shoot her in the back of the head!
Ann Miller: Ooooh, ouch!
Debbie Reynolds: Quick Annie get your gun….wait a second thats a show neither one of us were in, whats that about?
Ann Miller: I should have been in it. I should have been in it.
Debbie Reynolds: I didnt get a call! I didnt get a call!
Ann Miller: So Elizabeth, Elizabeth exactly how young are ya?
Elizabeth Berkeley: 21.
Ann & Debbie: Whoooooo!
Ann Miller: Well enjoy it now girl because in five years a hard rain is gonna fall.
Debbie Reynolds: KA-PLUNK!
Ann Miller: Thats right.
Debbie Reynolds: Anyway Lizzie, quick fading beauty aside, tell us how ya got your first big break.
Elizabeth Berkeley: Well, that would have to be Saved By the Bell.
Ann Miller: I remember Saved By the Bell.
Debbie Reynolds: Starlight Dinner Theater, 1956.
(Ann and Debbie break into a song)
Together: “Saved by the bell In the nick of time Saved by the bell Well be doing fine!”
Ann Miller: Remember that?
Debbie Reynolds: Yeah, I remember that Annie.
Elizabeth Berkeley: Actually Saved By the Bell was a popular television show. You know with Zack and Screech?
Ann Miller: Honey whoever your leading man is do not sleep with him.
Debbie Reynolds: Dont do it!
Elizabeth Berkeley: Why do you say that?
Debbie Reynolds: Two words for you…Eddie Fisher
Ann Miller: I got two more words…Liz Taylor.
Debbie Reynolds: I got three more words…fat, divorced pig! Im kidding! Im kidding! I love Liz! Im kidding!
Elizabeth Berkeley: What are you saying? Did you ever sleep with one of your leading men?
Debbie Reynolds: One of em? Try both of em. Singing In the Rain, 1952. Honey I was the lunch meat in the Gene Kelly, Donald OConner sandwhich.
Ann Miller: (Laughing) Its true, its true.
Debbie Reynolds: Im telling ya. No, really. And they call my daughter Princess Lay-a.
Ann Miller: Shes bad. Honey, I got stories too. Sugar Babies, Micky Rooney, and me. I rode that Rooney from Kalamazoo to Kansas not to mention all the other sugar babies on that tour bus!
Debbie & Ann: (Kicking up their legs) Thats a sore subject!
Debbie Reynolds: Now Lizzie, Lizzie tell me what kind of dancing were you doing in Showgirls? Were you a hoofer or a tapper?
Elizabeth Berkeley: I dont know but I can get up and show you.
Debbie Reynolds: A show! A show!
Ann Miller: The girls got sass! Take it away Lizzie!
(Elizabeth does a provocative dance on a pole. Ann and Debbie look confused)
Elizabeth Berkeley: What do ya think?
Debbie Reynolds: Well Id like to see the rest of that dance but Ive run out of quarters.
Elizabeth Berkeley: Look I dont mean to be disrespectful but I worked extremely hard to get that role!
Debbie Reynolds: I know what you mean honey. I did the same number in Louie B. Mayors office to get “Hit the Deck” in 1955. Remember that? Did I get it Annie?
Ann Miller: She got it, she got it.
Debbie Reynolds: I got it! I got it good!
Elizabeth Berkeley: Im not a whore! Im a dancer!
Debbie Reynolds: Whore whos a dancer, dancer whos a whore….
Elizabeth Berkeley: (Running off stage) Im a dancer!
Ann Miller: Oh Debbie, youre bad.
Debbie Reynolds: To the bone.
Ann Miller: Oh Debbie, you know what that music means?
Debbie Reynolds: It means its time to say good night Annie
Ann Miller: Thats right
(Debbie and Ann get up and sing)
Ann Miller: I sure wish the show wasnt over Debbie
Debbie Reynolds: But Mr. Producer Man says that its time to go
Together: “We had so much fun with Elizabeth-fifteen-minutes-of-fame-Berkley But its time to end the show! Leg up!”
Ann Miller: Im a mediocre dancer and I made it big
Debbie Reynolds: Im Americas sweetheart and Im wearing a wig
Jingle: “Dawn’s the time when you wake, to the challenge of a brand new day You’re on your own when breakfast calls, you’re tired of the same old way.
A.M. Ale! When you need a friend, you don’t ask questions, never bother with how or why. I need time, time to think when you’re watching the world go by.
Oh, if you start right, you feel right, you can make your own rules! If you live righ,t you’re alright with a sip of the morning dew.
A.M. Ale! For the thirst you’ve gotta feed. A.M. Ale! It’s the drink your body needs.
You can trust it with your secrets it’s a friend that understands. When you need some answers, just look at the bottle in your hand. It’s an A.M. Ale.”
Announcer: A.M. Ale. Because you can’t wait until afternoon.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
September 30th, 1995 Mariel Hemingway Blues Traveler None Beth McCarthy-Miller Lorne Michaels Steve Higgins Adam McKay O.J. TodaySummary: Bill McDonald (Will Ferrell) and the O.J. coverage gang segue to footage of Johnnie Cochran (Tim Meadows) dissuading use of the “evidence card” during the O.J. Simpson trial. Recurring Characters: Bill McDonald, Johnnie Cochran, Robert Shapiro, F. Lee Bailey, Barry Scheck, Judge Lance Ito. Transcript
MontageNote: Prince (during the time he changed his name to a symbol) was scheduled as musical guest, but he backed out at the last minute.
Mariel Hemingway’s MonologueSummary: Mariel Hemingway introduces viewers to the new cast of “Saturday Night Live”, focusing her attention on all the women and planting them with kisses. Transcript
A.M. AleSummary: Why wait until the afternoon, when you start your morning off right. Transcript
Get Off The Shed!Summary: Dad Frank Henderson (Will Ferrell) threatens kids during backyard barbecue. Recurring Characters: Frank Henderson Transcript
NightlineSummary: Colin Powell (Tim Meadows) gloats over Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) during “Nightline” interview with Ted Koppell (Darrell Hammond). Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Bob Dole. Transcript
Leg Up!Summary: Elizabeth Berkeley (Hemingway) shocks hosts Ann Miller (Molly Shannon) and Debby Reynolds (Cheri Oteri) with a pole dance demonstration. Recurring Characters: Debbie Reynolds, Ann Miller. Transcript
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Nancy Walls reads a handful of news stories that elicit sad head-shaking from herself and Norm MacDonald.
Blues Traveler performs “Run-Around”
The TelephoneSummary: A housewife (Mariel Hemingway) asks her husband (Will Ferrell) to help get her off the phone with talkative relatives, but his attempts border more on creepy and disturbing than helpful. Transcript
Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade makes snide comments about the Unabomber and no-show musical guest, Prince.
A&E BiographySummary: Host Jack Perkins (Darrell Hammond) offers the biography of Mariel Hemingway, who won her “Central Park West” role in favor of an acting quartet. Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins.
Fuzzy Memories
Blues Traveler performs “Hook”
The Chicken Lady ShowSummary: The Chicken Lady (Mark McKinney) engage in discussion with other fetishists.
SummaryAfter 20 years of laughs, SNL seemed on hard times, having fallen into the trap of predictable and uninspired comedy. Producer Lorne Michaels was left with no choice but to rebuild his cast – something he hadn’t done for almost ten seasons, but needed to do fast. Of the 1994 cast, Kevin Nealon finally retired after nine seasons, while cast members Adam Sandler and Chris Farley were released of their contracts and allowed to venture to Hollywood to produce and star in overhyped movie vehicles. Lorne even fired the much underused Tim Meadows, but decided to rehire him at the last minute in order to balance the cast. A lucky move for Meadows, who finally started appearing in more sketches this era than he did the last. Holding on to Tim Meadows and three other cast members (Norm MacDonald, Mark McKinney and David Spade), as well as one promising featured player (Molly Shannon), Lorne brought in six new performers (Jim Breuer, Will Ferrell, Darrell Hammond, David Koechner, Cheri Oteri and Nancy Walls) who would bring unpredictable comedy back to the show. This season’s “Wake Up & Smile” sketch is perhaps the greatest evidence of that claim. They take a little getting used to, but this group proved to be the start of a new direction for SNL.
[Open in on a graphic showing a restaurant dinette set with “ZAGAT’S” written at the top in bold white letters]
Announcer V/O: “Zagat’s, with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand.
[The graphic adds the hosts’ names before fading away. The camera now shows Hank and Beverly Gelfand sitting in their living room.]
Beverly: Hello, and welcome to Zagat’s. I’m Bev Gelfand, and this is my husband Hank.
Hank: (aggravated) What do you want?
Beverly: Hank and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary tonight, and we’re very excited, Hank and I.
Hank: No!
Beverly: We’re going out to dinner for the occasion, but we can’t decide where to go. Do you know where you want to go, Hank?
Hank: Go away!
Beverly: Well, maybe we can all find a place in our Zagat’s New York Restaurant Guide! (Beverly grabs a Zagat’s guide from under the table) Let’s take a look together! ( She gives a smile to the audience, and then to a barely interested Hank)
Hank: Dear God, here we go.
[Beverly fingers through the book]
Beverly: Oh, here’s one, It’s called “Patty’s Place” on 12th Street, there’s an art decor interior, and an international cuisine. That sounds like a lot of fun! (She gives a giant smile)
Hank: My father said, “Get married.” He should rot in his grave!
[Beverly fingers through the book again]
Beverly: How about “Mario’s Restaurant”? (reads) “Mini-Pizzas and delish desserts make this Italian eatery a must! Ravioli? Holy Cannoli!” (She smiles once again, Hank shakes his head dissaprovingly)
Hank: Day and night she talks, each word more useless than the next.
Beverly: (still reading) “The City Steakhouse serves the best beef in town, their sensual setting will set the mood for any romantic rendez-vous” Oh, hear that Hank?
[Beverly rubs Hank’s leg while giving another giant smile, Adam Sandler starts cracking up]
Hank: Give me cancer now, God!
Beverly: (reading) “Find southern fare at Charlie’s, there’s fried chicken and first-rate sevice, so come on down y’all, y’hear?”
[Hank grabs the book and rips it up, then there’s a moment of silence.]
Beverly: Hank and I have decided to spend a nice quiet evening at home, isn’t that right, Hank?
Hank: The book is gone,but the mouth goes on!
Beverly: Since we’re staying at home, maybe we can watch some television. Let’s find a show to watch in our…TV Guide! (picks up a TV Guide)
Hank: Just when I thought I was out, she drags me back in!
Beverly: Oh, here’s one, “Murder She Wrote”, Jessica investigates a suspicious Hollywood murder and exposes the real killer. Oh, I just love her, she’s so smart! (She gives another big smile)
Hank: See if there’s a program about shutting the hell up!
[Beverly gives a quick glare at the camera]
Pauline (V/O): Surprise!
[Pauline walks in, she has a present in her hand]
Beverly: Heavens to Betsy!
Pauline: Hi Beverly!, Hi Hank!
Beverly: Heavens to Betsy, it’s my sister, Pauline! What in heavens are you doing here?
Pauline: Well, I knew that you and Hank would be celebrating your 35th wedding anniversary, knock wood (knocks hand on Hank’s head) So I thought that I’d stop by with a present! (Gives present to Beverlywhile Pauline sits down next to Hank)
Beverly: Oh,you shouldn’t have, isn’t that nice, Hank? Look how pretty it is!
Hank: Please let it be a gun!
[Beverly opens up the present revealing another Zagat’s Guide, much to Hank’s dismay.]
Beverly: Oh, perfect! Look, Hank, Pauline bought us Zagat’s Restaurant Guide. We used to have one but um…Hank misplaced it.
[Beverly gives a taunting look at Hank.]
Pauline: Wait til’ you see sis, they’ve got the greatest restaurants in there!
Hank: I’m in the middle of a moron sandwich!
[Pauline takes the guide and begins reading it.]
Pauline: Oh, here, look (reads) “The Oyster Club, for the best clam chowder in town, all aboard for fine fish cuisine!” Mmm!
Beverly: (imitating a boat) Hoot Hoot! Yummy! Oh, let me take a look.
[Beverly takes the book and flips through it.]
Beverly: (reading) Oh, look, “The Cajun Club for catfish and gumbo galore. Mardi Gras every night, you’ll dance with delight” (laughs) That rhymes! That rhymes, doesn’t it, Hank? (tickles Hank) C’mere!
Hank: I’ve got stupid in stereo! (Beverly stops tickling him,Hank takes out some pills from the side of his chair) Sleeping pills, my only friend.
[Pauline takes the book while Hank pours the whole bottle of pills down his throat]
Pauline: Oh, here, my turn. (reads) “Care for chinese food? Try Uncle Chang’s, they’ve got the best egg rolls in town and don’t forget the dumplings!
Beverly: Don’t worry, I never do!
[Hank falls onto the table, knocked out from his sedatives. Beverly moves into Hank’s chair and takes the book from Pauline]
Beverly: Oh, here’s a place, let’s see, (reads) Oh, “Sullivan’s, for Irish food and fun, the fish and chips are fabulous, don’t just fill up on the soda bread!”
[The camera shows the graphic from the beginning]
Announcer (V/O): This has been Zagat’s with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand.
… Norm MacDonald … Laura Kightlinger Adam West … Michael McKean Robin … David Duchovny … Adam Sandler
[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, removing thepaper clip from his well-organized sheaf of papers.Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Hi, I’m Norm Macdonald, thankyou. Thanks. Thank you. [clears throat] I’m NormMacDonald and this is the news:
It is now believed that in the months before theOklahoma bombing, suspect Timothy McVeigh may havesold drugs. Boy, is he in trouble now! Huh?With that–? …
A deadly outbreak of the Ebola virus is said to beresponsible for more than one hundred deaths in Africa– and a couple of really bad movies here in theUnited States. …
[Photo of O. J. Simpson standing in courtroom with hisarms outstretched] Well, in a questionable move by thedefense team, this week, O. J. Simpson demonstratedhow to stab two people at the same time. … [cheersand applause]
A Labor Department study shows that the number oftemporary workers rose to two million in 1994. Andthat study doesn’t even include, the mosttemporary of the temporarily unemployed — KatoKaelin. … [shakes his head dismissively at the joke,chuckles]
Norm MacDonald: Now, we’d like to talk to LauraKightlinger and find out what she’ll be doing over thesummer break. [applause]
Laura Kightlinger: Well, thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Laura.
Laura Kightlinger: Hi. Thank you. Thanks,Norm.
Well, you know, June is coming up so everyone,everyone I know will be either getting marriedor giving birth which means I’ll be spending yetanother summer ripping up baby pictures and weddinginvitations. … And, you know, I sometimes wonder,you know, should I just force myself to go to theseweddings? Or should I turn on a pitching machine andlet the balls hit my face? … Hmm. I don’t know, itjust seems like most of my friends from high schoolhave long since tied the knot and I’m getting older,so maybe I should think about hanging my self….
And since most of my married friends have babies, I’vejust lost all hope for a normal conversation with themon the phone. [glumly, into an imaginary phone] Uh,hi, Karen. Karen? [as a hyper, excited mother] “Hi,Laura! Wait! Joshua wants to say hello to you! Say,hi, Josh! Say, hi! Say, hi! Say, hi! Josh, say, hi!”[as her glum self] Hi, Josh. Listen, uh, I’ve justtaken a handful of pills. … Can you get your motherback on the phone?” [as hyper, excited mother] “Didyou hear him?! He said, “Hi!”
I don’t know, I just– I guess I’m just not convincedthat getting married and having babies is the answer.And I know that there are happy marriages butit’s because of some freak alignment of souls. And Ihave a friend who experienced such an alignment. Shewas the girl in grade school who went blind fromsitting too close to the TV and she married the guy ingrade school who made a face and it stayed that way…. In fact, I just got a picture of their lovelytoddler who broke his neck from leaning back in achair. …
You know, all right, now – now maybe they are atruly happy family — but families are neverwhat they appear to be. You know, I was in the parkand I saw a father playing catch with his two youngsons — and then his wife came over, swore at him,slapped the kids, and threw their ball away. And thatjust hit me so hard — because my mom never didanything with us.
Norm MacDonald: Hey, Laura, I, er–
Laura Kightlinger: Yeah?
Norm MacDonald: I bet this has some kind ofhappy ending, huh?
Laura Kightlinger: No. No, Norm. Itdoesn’t.
Norm MacDonald: Oh.
Laura Kightlinger: But, you know? Despite mytone, I do believe in love. To me, therewould be nothing more gratifying than justlying next to someone that I’ve been with for years ina safe, sterile environment and allowing that personto do – [chuckles] whatever it is he does -into a laundered towel. … And, if I can have that,then maybe–
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, maybe what?
Laura Kightlinger: Well, maybe marriage is inmy future.
Norm MacDonald: [unenthusiastic] We-e-ell, Icertainly – envy the lucky guy that winds up with youthere, Laura. …
Laura Kightlinger: You do, Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Laura Kightlinger: Aww, thanks.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that’s all right. Allright. [polite applause] Laura Kightlinger,everybody.
Well, Gary Busey left the hospital this week afteroverdosing on cocaine last Friday. Doctors say Buseyis okay and he should be back in the hospitalin no time. …
Well, crime is down nearly twenty per cent in New YorkCity with only three hundred and eighty-four murdersso far this year. Only three hundred andeighty-four? You know, if you ask me, that’s stillthree hundred and seven too many. … [mumbles] That’swhat I think.
The Walt Disney Company has announced plans to build athree hundred million dollar hotel and entertainmentcomplex in New York’s Times Square. Constructionbegins next spring on their first attraction —Crack Whores of the Caribbean! …[applause]
Norm MacDonald: Well, the summer movie seasonis just around the corner and one of the biggestreleases this year is the new Batman Forever.Here, now, with his review, is the original Batman,Mr. Adam West. Adam? [applause for the bespectacledold actor with the hopelessly square, deadpandelivery]
Adam West: Thank you, thank you. Thank you,Norm. Hail, good citizens of Gotham. With Bat-maniasweeping the nation, what better way to celebrate,than with my new book, “Back to the Batcave” — avirtual cornucopia of beloved bat-stories. [to Norm]For example, old friend, did you know … that theydon’t let me wear the mask any more. They’vethreatened to sue me if I appeared in public as the -Caped Crusader.
Norm MacDonald: [uninterested in bat-trivia]Ahh, that’s great, Adam. Hey – hey, how about that newBatman Forever movie, eh?
Adam West: Here’s an interesting – bat-fact,old chum: Cesar Romero played the Joker, but, youknow, he never shaved his mustache. Ha ha! [soberly]He’s dead now.
Norm MacDonald: [couldn’t care less] That’sgreat. Hey! What about Val Kilmer? You know, the newBatman?
Adam West: I wanted to play – Uncle Batman. He- he would be an older, distinguished gentleman –much like yourself, Commissioner Gordon. … And hewould help Batman fight crime! Ha! … Didn’t happen.
Norm MacDonald: Look, ah —
Adam West: Didn’t happen.
Norm MacDonald: Adam, are you gonna talk aboutthe new Batman movie here?
Adam West: Excuse me, Commissioner Gordon, I -I have to go. [abruptly exits]
Norm MacDonald: Adam West, ladies andgentlemen. Adam West. [polite applause] All right,well, in Russia this week, Boris Yeltsin, ah–
[Suddenly, Adam West returns, wearing Batman’s capeand cowl.]
Adam West as Batman: Evildoers, beware!
Norm MacDonald: [unnerved] Ohh, my God!
Adam West as Batman: It is I, Batman!
Norm MacDonald: Ohh, hey, ah – ah,Batman … Hey what – what happened to AdamWest, wasn’t he–?
Adam West as Batman: You mean – millionaireBruce Wayne? Why, he’s at a board meeting at WayneIndustries.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, right, hey, Adam, ah,seriously, you know, you’re not supposed to be wearingthat mask and cape in public. You know, somebody’sprobably watchin’–
Adam West as Batman: Let them sue me, Norm! Ifyou persist in calling me “Adam,” I – I’ll be forcedto use the bat-ray on you! [grabs at his pants, makingNorm nervous]
Norm MacDonald: [uncomfortable] Ohh, ah…
Adam West as Batman: [reassuring Norm] It’shere on my belt, don’t worry!
Norm MacDonald: [chuckles] No, no, no. Really.They’ll – they’ll sue you.
Adam West as Batman: [completely loses it] Isay let them, Norm! Then we’ll see who the true Batmanis! I’m Batman! Val Kilmer isn’t fit to wear mybat-tights. Do you hear me, Val? Do you hear me?!?!Aaagggggghhhhhh!
[Wearing mask and colorful costume, Batman’s youthfulsidekick, Robin the Boy Wonder, runs in and puts hishands on Adam West’s shoulders.]
Robin: Holy Not-Taking-Your-Medication, Batman!…
Adam West as Batman: Robin? Robin? Is that you,my ward? Help me!
Robin: Yes, Adam.
Adam West as Batman: I don’t know where I am.
Robin: I’ve come to take you home.
Adam West as Batman: Where – where is “home”?
Robin: The bat cave!
Adam West as Batman: [terrified] No! No! I’mafraid of bats! No!
Robin: [reassuring] I’ll take care of you.
Adam West as Batman: [calms down a little]Thank you, old chum!
[Batman and Robin exit.]
Norm MacDonald: Adam West again, ladies andgentlemen. [applause] And – the other guy, Burt Ward,was with him.
The American Academy of Pediatrics has released anupdated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the listthis year, is the really, really, really, really highchair. …
Well, last Friday in Washington D. C., the city’selementary school students pledged to stay drug freeas a gift to their moms on Mother’s Day. Meanwhile, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry … got his mom a great big boxof chocolates. …
Norm MacDonald: And now, here with a Mother’sDay message, Weekend Update’s own, and my hero, AdamSandler! [cheers and applause]
Adam Sandler: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you,thank you. Thank you, thank you. When we, uh, think ofMother’s Day, we always think of flowers and candy andtakin’ mom to dinner — you know, nice things. Buttonight I thought we should pay a little respect tosome moms who don’t have it so easy. Single moms. Thisyear there are over eight million single mothers outthere in this country alone. Eight million women whohave to act as both mother and father. One special daya year just isn’t enough for these brave, braveladies. Call me a feminist but, if you’re lookin’ forheroes, I’d say these women have Jordan and Gretzkybeat by a long shot. [spontaneous applause]
But, you know, what – what’s weird is, no one takesthe time to take care of them, make them feelspecial. Not just as mothers, but as women.Beautiful, beautiful women. So, I’d just like to sayto all you single moms out there, when you’re feelin’discouraged — like it’s all just too much for onegirl to take — little Adam’s here to make everythingall right. … That’s right, mama … I’m gonna make -I’m gonna make yo’ every fantasy come true. [sultrymusic begins; lights slowly dim; Sandler intones aspoken monologue over the music, as if on an early’70s soul hit:]
Dat man who walked out on you had to be crazy,baby, What with your body lookin’ so right. But you don’t have to be lonely tonight. You know, mama, I hear you like to give your kids icecream. Well, I like to eat ice cream, too. But I hate eatin’ it out of a bowl. Maybe you wanna tell little Adam where to that eat icecream off of.
Norm MacDonald: Whoa! Geez!
Adam Sandler: What?
Norm MacDonald: Adam, this is gettin’ a littleinappropriate here. …
Adam Sandler: Wait, Norm. I’m gettin’ to thegood part. … [light changes to a smoky blue; a spotlit Sandlersings] Turn out the lights, single mama! Mother’s Day is he-ere! Put away those diapers, pretty darlin’! Take off that girdle and brassiere! … The kids are fast asleep, pretty mama! Time for the adults to get naughty! You look so hot in that terry cloth robe! Let it fall to the ground – oh, Lordy!
[Trio of soul singers enter, dressed in black, andstand behind Sandler, singing.]
Adam Sandler:‘Cause I’m your SingleMother’s Day present, baby!
Singers:Ooh, baby!
Adam Sandler:And I can go all nightlong!
Singers:Ahhh, go all nightlong!
Adam Sandler and Singers:Not once, nottwice —
Adam Sandler:But three times, baby! And I’ll sing you my Turkey Song!
Singers:Ooooh waahhhh! Turkey lurkeydoo!
Adam Sandler:I’ll do it foryou!
Singers:Turkey lurkey dee!
Adam Sandler:Take a big bite out ofme!
Singers:Turkey lurkey dactic!
Adam Sandler:I’ll make sure to wear aprophylactic!
Singers:Turkey lurkey lie!
Adam Sandler:Sammy Davis, Junior, only had- one – eye!
Singers:Doo, doo, one eye!
[Song ends to huge cheers and applause]
Adam Sandler: [shouts] Happy Mother’s Day![waves to camera, shakes hands with singers]
Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler, everybody! That’sit, folks. See ya next year!
[Music. Norm manfully shakes hands with Sandler whowaves again. Norm nods and waves acknowledgment to thesingers as he removes the microphone from his necktie.Fade.]
[ open on real estate office, Agent speaking on the phone ]
Agent: So, once again, congratulations! I now you’re going to be very happy in your new home. Well, that’s what we do here at Horizon Realty – we make dreams come true. Alrighty, bye bye!
Tom: Hi.
Agent: Hi.
Tom: We’re new in the neighborhood, and we’re looking for a three-bedroom.
Wife: You know, maybe something with a split-level.
Agent: Very good. Richard can help you. Richard?
[ we see Richard sitting at his desk, he looks like an old rocker ]
Agent: These folks are interested in a three-bedroom.
Richard: Well, alriiiiight!! [ jumps out of his chair, his real estate clothes mixed fashionably with tight, leather pants ] Nice ta MEETCHA!! How ya doin’ out there toniiiiiiight! Wow!
Tom: Fine.. thanks.
Richard: Well, alriiiiiight!! Let me go get my book! I’ve got some gorgeous three-bedrooms in the area! Woooooooooooooowww-ow!
Wife: Honey, do we know him?
Tom: He does seem very familiar.
Agent: Oh, Richard used to be the lead singer of Sidewinder before they broke up.
Wife: Sidewinder?
Agent: Yeah. Remember they had that hit “Lick It”?
Richard: Yeah, that’s riiight! [ singing ] Lick it! Kick it! Rock it, knock it down, downm down! Owww!
[ back to business ]
I got a great split-level in, uh, Oakdale Heights. A bit of a fixer-upper, but it’s a steal.
Wife: Uh, no, you see.. we need to move right in, because Tom’s been transferred from St. Louis, and —
Richard: St. Louis rocks big-time! Am I riiiiiight?!
Tom: Yeah.
Richard: I can’t heeeeeeear yoooooooouuu!!
Tom: Yes, St. Louis rocks!
Richard: Alright, now I’ve got osmething you might like in Sherwood Hills. That’s a good school district, daddy – community pool, little league, and you’re only ten minutes from downtown. Woooooooowwww!!
Agent: Uh, Richard? Richard! The Ericksons are on line 3!
Richard: Uh, excuse me, I gotta take this. [ sits at his desk and picks up his phone ] Wooooooooowwwwww!! This is Richard. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, tell the bank you want a fixed rate at 7.35%. Alriiiiiight?!! Owwwwwwwww!!!
Tom: Uh, my wife has asthma, so we’re looking for something with central ir.
Richard: Oh, I hear you, St. Louis! You want it nice and cooooool, so you can cuddle up and get warm with your lady!
Tom: Well, yeah. And, she has asthma.
Richard: Alriiiiight! Central air ROCKS!! Is that what you want, St. Louis!
Tom: Yeah, that’d be nice.
Richard: Well, then that’s.. what you’re gonna get! Wooooowwww!! Alriiiiiight!! Good night! We love you! [ jumps on top of the file cabinet and back to the floor ] Come on! Wooooooowww!! Yeah!! [ exits to back room ]
[ Agent claps, and encourages the couple to do the same as she holds up a cigarette lighter for an encore ]
Richard: Whoooooo!! Alright! I knew you wouldn’t let me down, St. Louis! You want to ROCK all night! And that’s good. Now.. [ puts on a pair of reading glasses ] I got just the house you might be looking for. Come on. How’s this sound. [ opens his book ] I got central air, three-bedroom, two-and-a-half bath, at $179,900, with an assumable mortage. Yooooooowwww!!!
Wife: Well, that sounds fabulous, doesn’t it, honey?
Tom: Yes, yes! When can we see it?
Richard: I can’t heeeeeear you!
Tom: When can we see it?
Richard: [ removes his glasses ] I can’t heeeeeear yoooooooouuuu!!
Wife: Uh, look, seriously, we’d like to see the house.
Richard: I’m serious, too. I’m deaf as a doornail. Fiftenn years in front of speakers, baby!
Wife: God, I’m so sorry. [ picks up her voice ] When can we see it!
Richard: Well, if you’re ready to ROCK! I’m ready to roll! Wooooooowww!! Let’s take my car, it’s the Volvo Wagon! [ dancing ] You’re gonna looooove this plaaaaaace!! Whoooooo!! Come on, come on, come on! Let’s go!
[ he leads the couple out of the door ]
Richard: [ to Agent ] I’ll be back in an hour.
[ zoom in, as they exit, to a plaque on the wall next to the door, which reads: “Broker of the Month – Richard Bruce” ]
… Chris Farley … Tim Meadows … Jay Mohr … Adam Sandler … Norm MacDonald … David Duchovny
[A sign reads: DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. We pull backto reveal a zoo setting. Chris Farley, Tim Meadows,Jay Mohr, Adam Sandler and Norm MacDonald enter andline up at a railing overlooking the polar bearpit.]
Chris Farley: Aw, man! Isn’t the zoo thebest, man?
Tim Meadows: I know, I can’t believe it was -how easy it was to get into the zoo. We just hoppedthe fence.
[Cut to a brief shot of a polar bear down in the pitbefore returning to the five guys above.]
Jay Mohr: Hey, look at this polar bear cage.Hey, you think I can swim the little moat both waysbefore the bear eats me?
Adam Sandler: Five bucks says you can’t.
Jay Mohr: All right. Read ’em and weep, myfriend!
[Mohr jumps the railing into the polar bear pit. Hedisappears from view and we hear a loud splash as hehits the water below.]
Norm MacDonald: “Read ’em and weep”? You say”Read ’em and weep” before you lay down your cards inpoker, not before you jump into a polar bear cage.
Tim Meadows: Yeah, okay, Mr. Dictionary.
Norm MacDonald: “Mr. Dictionary”? How doesknowing about poker make me “Mr. Dictionary”?
Tim Meadows: Ah, no, I wasn’t talking to you.
[Off screen, the polar bear roars and eats Mohr whoscreams horribly. After a moment, a large quantity ofMohr’s blood splashes up from the pit and soaksFarley, Meadows, MacDonald, and Sandler.]
Chris Farley: [squinting] What happened?! Whathappened? Did the bear get him? I’m not wearing myglasses!
Norm MacDonald: [casually] Yeah, the polar bearkilled Jay. [quickly, to Meadows] What do you mean youweren’t talking to me? You were looking right at me!Who were you calling “Mr. Dictionary”?
Tim Meadows: Look, I’m gonna go in and haulJay’s body up, okay? I’ll let you guys argue amongstyourselves.
Norm MacDonald: Noooo, us guys aren’t arguingamongst ourselves. I’m arguing with you.
Tim Meadows: [starts climbing over the railing]Yeah, well what can I say? I mean, after all, you knoweverything, Mr. Dictionary!
[Meadows hollers the last word of his line as he jumpsinto the pit and disappears with a splash.]
Chris Farley: [laughs, to MacDonald] “Mr.Dictionary”! Oh, my God! He totally burned you,man! [roars with laughter] Oh, you better hopethat nickname doesn’t stick, Mr. Dictionary![laughs] Aww, man, you’re a book filled with wordmeanings! Oy, oy, oy!
[The polar bear roars and eats a screaming Meadowswhose blood splashes up on Farley, MacDonald, andSandler.]
Chris Farley: What happened? I’m not wearing myglasses. Did the bear get him again?
Adam Sandler: Hey, would you put your damnglasses on? We shouldn’t have to tell you every timethe bear eats one of us.
[Farley shakes his bloodied head, pulls out histhick-framed Matt Foley eyeglasses and puts them on.]
Chris Farley: Oh, my God! That bear ripped offtheir heads like so much volleyball!
Norm MacDonald: “Like so much volleyball”? Whoare you, the Mighty Thor? … Nobody talks like that.
Chris Farley: [at a loss for words] Yeah – uh -I think – you’re a sack of crap like so much– Mr.Dictionary!
[Farley laughs and Sandler joins in.]
Adam Sandler: [to Farley] Ha ha ha, yeah! Allright, good one, man. High five me on that one!
Chris Farley: Yeah, baby!
[Instead of giving Farley a high five, Sandler smackshim in the face and knocks his glasses off.]
Chris Farley: [in pain] Ohhhh!
Adam Sandler: [laughs, recovers, to Farley] Allright, I gotta say I’m sick of you. And I’m sick ofthat polar bear. I’m going in.
Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, Adam, if you’re goinginto that cage, you know, be careful, ’cause, uh, thatbear is still in there.
Adam Sandler: Oh, my lord. I swear to God,Norm, that was the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.Where would the bear be? Do you think I think that itgot wings and flew up to Canada — where everybodytalks like you and says “arse” instead of “ass”?You’re very stupid, Norm. But you know that.
[Sandler climbs the railing and jumps into the pit.]
Adam Sandler: Wheeeee!
[Sandler disappears with a splash. Only Farley andMacDonald are left at the railing.]
Norm MacDonald: Man, did you hear that? Hecalls me stupid. He just jumped into the polar bearcage, eh? Who do you think is stupider, the guy whojumps into a polar cage or the fella people like tocall “Mr. Dictionary”?
[The polar bear roars and eats Sandler who yells “Oh,my God!” Sandler’s blood splashes up on Farley andMacDonald.]
Norm MacDonald: Well, uh, Farley, did you ordid you not hear me tell him that, ah, there was abear still in that cage, eh?
Chris Farley: Well, you know what, I wasn’treally listening that much ’cause, uh, I was tryin’ toremember who’s been killed. [counts on his fingers]All right, I know Adam Sandler.
Norm MacDonald: Right.
Chris Farley: And, before him, TimMeadows.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Chris Farley: But, ah, who – who was the firstguy that went in there?
Norm MacDonald: Are you serious? You forgotwhich of our buddies was killed first? It was – it wasJay Mohr, you arse!
Chris Farley: Yeah, yeah, but, um … what -what’s Jay’s middle name? I forget.
Norm MacDonald: You forget Jay’s middle name?It’s Gaylord!
Chris Farley: I know you are! Ha ha! Aya ayaaya aya aya aya! You’re Gaylord! Get it? Gay – lord,Gaylord, Gaylord, Gaylord! [high-pitched giggle, thenlapses into a deranged Southern accent] And on thathighly successful burn, I’m goin’ into the polar bearcage and get myself some wallets so I can get somebeer money! Adios!
[With an incomprehensible exclamation, Farley haulshimself over the railing and falls into the pit with asplash. MacDonald watches as the roaring polar beareats the screaming Farley. More blood flies up andsoaks MacDonald who is by now thoroughly drenched.]
Norm MacDonald: Well … You know what? I’mgonna jump in there because, ah, I’m sure the bear isfull by now. … And then I’m gonna stick my fingerdown its throat and let it throw up at least one of mybuddies. If the buddy who comes up is too digestedalready, I’ll throw him back in. [stroking his chinthoughtfully] It’s the perfect plan.
[MacDonald vaults the railing into the pit with asplash. The polar bear roars and eats the screamingMacDonald whose blood splashes up on the now emptyscene. Dissolve to host David Duchovny who stands infront of a curtain addressing the camera.]
David Duchovny: Hi, I’m David Duchovny. Thepreceding segment was not a sketch. It was filmedentirely at the Central Park Zoo with hidden cameras.The participants involved had no idea they were beingfilmed. I ran this as a warning to other potentialSaturday Night Live hosts. These are the typeof people you deal with all week long. Thankyou.
[Applause, dissolve to bumper with photo of squattinghost.]
Air Date:
Summary: Bill McDonald (Will Ferrell) and the O.J. coverage gang segue to footage of Johnnie Cochran (Tim Meadows) dissuading use of the “evidence card” during the O.J. Simpson trial.
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