SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Phil Hartman Creations

…..Phil Hartman

[ open on Phil Hartman standing in front of a blue curtain ]

Phil Hartman: Hi! I’m Phil Hartman. Yuo know, one of the great pleasures of being a cast member here at “Saturday Night Live” is that I’m given the opportunity to pretend. and part of that pretending, of ocurse, is that I get to wear so many wigs. Wigs that can change my look completely. And I have a secret to share: I’m in love with my wigs! And, now, you can be, too. I’m introducing a new line of wigs, called Phil Hartman Creations.

[ zoom out to reveal Phil standing behind a table filled with various wigs resting atop styrofoam dummy heads ]

So, fellas, you can change wigs as often as you change your mood!

[ SUPER: “No wigs tested on animals” ]

[ Phil picks up one of the styrofoam heads to show off the wig on top ]

Meet Troy.

[ dissolve to a photo of Phil wearing the Troy wig, looking just as he describes ]

Troy is for when you want to feel secure and cocky. This hairstyle says, “I’m gonna get everything out of life. I’m Troy! And I’m not afraid of working hard, taking risks, or committing to intimate relationships.”

[ dissolve back to Phil ]

I like to wear this one when I play football with my son.

[ Phil picks up the next styrofoam head ]

Say hi to.. Anton! When you’re wearing Anton, English instantly becomes your second language.

[ dissolve to a photo of Phil wearing the Anton wig, looking just as he describes ]

You’ll look mysterious, sexy, and just a little dangerous. I was wearing my Anton when I met my wife.

[ dissolve back to Phil ]

Of course, I eventually dropped the accent and took the wig off. She felt betrayed, but, by that time she was pregnant, and, well.. I could go on, but I have a few more of my creations to show you!

[ Phil picks up the next styrofoam head ]

I call this wig Jimmy. Jimmy is – well, frankly, Jimmy is something of a geek.

[ dissolve to a photo of Phil wearing the Jimmy wig, looking just as he describes ]

It’s for those times when you feel like a loser, and you just want to look like one, too.

[ dissolve back to Phil ]

Last year, I was audited by the IRS. I simply slipped on this Jimmy, and the auditor gave me a total refund. [ proudly ] And some food stamps! I felt so good afterwards – [ picks up the Troy wig ] I had to put on a Troy!

[ Phil returns to his previous position at the table and picks up the next styrofoam head ]

I call this wig.. Gloria. Gloria is fo those times when, well – you feel a little naughty.

[ dissolve to a photo of Phil wearing the Gloria wig, looking just as he describes ]

Gloria is all candles and moonlight. All pink taffeta and secret longings!

[ dissolve back to Phil ]

I like to wear Gloria when I sit on the beach alone, and sip champagne on the sand.

[ Phil puts down the styrofoam head and stands before all his creations once again ]

There you are – all my creations. If you order now, you’ll get a special bonus. I’m wearing it right now. It’s called.. The Phil.

[ photos of Phil wearing the four wigs surround him, with title: “Phil Hartman Creations 1-800-555-PHIL” ]

Announcer: Phil Hartman Creations. Order now.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17




–

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Pat’s Interrogation

Interrogator #1…..Chris Farley
Pat…..Julia Sweeney
Interrogator #2…..Dana Carvey
Interrogator #3…..Phil Hartman

Interrogator #1: Could you tell us the nature of your relationship with.. Chris?

Pat: Why, I had sex with Chris for about a year-and-a-half. I like having sex with Chris! I like people who give me pleasure!

Interrogator #1: Did you and Chris play any kind of.. games in bed.

Pat: Yes.

Interrogator #1: Anything specific?

Pat: Role reversal! We felt it kept the relationship alive!

Interrogator #2: Did you and Chris practice safe sex?

Pat: Yes.

Interrogator #1: Which one of you put on the condom?

Pat: We put it on together, we made it a part of froepaly like the sex manual suggests. [ laughs, then uncrosses her leg and rubs its hand over its crotch ]

Interrogator #3: Listen, Pat – if you were a baby, what color would your Pampers be, pink or blue?

Pat: Diapers were all white back then!

Interrogator #2: You’re lying, Pat, you’re lying! You’re not teling the truth, and by God I’m gonna find out! You’re not telling the truth, Pat, I’m gonna figure you out! I’m gonna figure you out!

[ Pat looks worried ]

Jingle: “It’s time for androgyny
that’s just Pat!”

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Sharon Stone’s Monologue

…..Sharon Stone

Sharon Stone: Thank you very much! Thank you! I’m a little nervous! [ laughs ] You know, I think I’d feel a little more comfortable if I could sit down.. [ a chair resembling the one from “Basic Instinct” is brought in, Sharon sits ] Yeah.. that feels better.. [ crosses her legs and lights a cigarette ]

Voice of Director: Uh, Miss Stone, there’s no smoking during the monologue.

Sharon Stone: [ laughs ] What are you gonna do, Davey, take me off the air? We’re live. [ smokes ] You know.. I had a great week. I like working with these guys. They give me a lot of laughs. I love to laugh. It’s nice. It sends ripples of pleasure through my body..

[ cut to Chris Farley watching from offstage, excitement shining from his face ]

Leaving here is gonna be sad.. because I’ll miss all the pleasure they gave me..

[ cut to Lorne Michaels watching from offstage, excitement shining from his face ]

Especially the men.. because they’re so.. funny. But, you know what? [ puffs on her cigarette ] The women are funny, too.. very funny. That’s right.. the women made me laugh, too..

[ cut to Victoria Jackson watching from offstage, licking her lips in anticipation ]

You know who else made me laugh? The writers.

[ cut to writers Tom Davis, Jim Downey, Warren Hutcherson, Robert Smigel, Terry Turner and Fred Wolf watching from offstage, excitement shining from their faces ]??, Jim Downey, Herb Sargent, Robert Smigel, Tom Davis, Fred Wolf, Warren Hutcherson and ??Terry Turner

But not that much. I’m not gonna miss them. The stagehands weren’t that funny..

[ cut to the stagehands watching unhappily from offstage ]

Of course, that’s not their job. But they could have tried. [ puffs on her cigarette ] Well, anyway, I think we’ve got a great show tonight. And I think you’ll get a lot of pleasure out of it.. I know I will.. Pearl Jam is here.

[ cut to the Pearl Jam watching from offstage, excitement shining from their faces ]

Oh.. and one more thing.. [ starts to lift her leg, but casually stands up instead ] ..we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Goodnights

…..Sharon Stone

Sharon Stone: Thanks so much for joining us, I had a wonderful time. [ turns to acknowledge the cast ] You guys are great, thank you so much!

Ellen Cleghorne: [ speaking on behalf of the cast? ] Oh, thank you!

[ everyone claps and waves goodnight ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17




Available on:

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Ernie’s

Ernie’s Wife…..Ellen Cleghorne
Ernie…..Chris Rock

[ open on exterior, Ernie’s ]

[ dissolve to interior of shop, as Ernie’s Wife joins him behind the counter ]

Ernie’s Wife: We’re closing now, right?

Ernie: Closing? Who said?

Ernie’s Wife: You did!

Ernie: I never said that!

Ernie’s Wife: You did, you mind-changing, schedule-forgetting fool!

Ernie: Well, tonight I wanted to stay open, you clock-watching, early-closing, lazy, non-working, back-talking —

Ernie’s Wife: [ gives in ] Okay, I’ll stay late!

Ernie: You late-staying, always-agreeing, butt-kissing —

Ernie’s Wife: [ slaps counter ] All I want to know is: when are we gonna close up and go?!

Ernie: You “When-are-we-gonna-close-up-and-go?” asking, turtleneck-wearing, attitude-giving, freeloading —

[ Ernie’s Wife storms away from the counter and into the back room, as he continues to ramble his insults toward her ]

Ernie: — going-in-the-back-room, non-listening..

[ Ernie’s Wife returns from the back room, carrying a box of inventory ]

Ernie: [ continues ] You coming-in-from-the-back-room, box-carrying, teeth-sucking, head-shaking —

[ Ernie’s Wife waves him off from behind, as she proceeds to process inventory ]

Ernie: — husband-ignoring, you non-hearing, product-unloading, second-aisle-reshelving, new-price-tag-sticking, inventory-taking..

[ Ernie pauses to sip a beverage sitting on the counter. His wife turns to give him a dirty look before she moves over to the next wall of inventory. ]

Ernie: [ fueled, he continues again ] Thinking-I-was-dumb, well-I’m-not-dumb-cause-I’m-still-talking, I-got-more-to-say, like: you hairnet-wearing.. uh.. uh.. ozone-destroying-with-the..

[ Ernie puts his drink down, and opens the dictionary to locate the proper insult word ]

Ernie: — greenhouse effect-hazard, collossol-city-drowning, polar-ice-cap-melting, price-tag, earring-wearing —

[ Ernie’s Wife drops her price tag gun and retreats behind the counter ]

Ernie: — walking-out-of-my-sight, dunking-down-behind-the-damn-thing —

[ Ernie’s Wife pulls out a pistol and points it at him ]

Ernie: .38-caliber-pistol-shooting, pointing-at-me —

[ Ernie’s Wife fires the pistol. His body staggers downward, but he maintains the strength to continue. ]

Ernie: Husband-shooting, mess-making —

[ Ernie’s Wife fires the pistol a second time; Ernie barely flinches ]

Ernie: Two-time-shooting, neither-time-fatally-wounded —

[ Ernie’s Wife fires a final time, as he staggers onto the counter and finally surrenders ]

Ernie: Okay. Let’s close the store.

[ Ernie’s Wife locks up, as he looks around dazed ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 11th, 1992

Sharon Stone

Pearl Jam

None

Lorne Michaels

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Warren Hutcherson

Robert Smigel

Terry Turner

Fred Wolf

Jon Lovitz
Wayne’s WorldSummary: Wayne (Mike Myers) and Garth (Dana Carvey) cast their picks for the Best & Worst moments at this year’s Oscars ceremony.

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

Montage

Sharon Stone’s MonologueSummary: Dressed in her “Basic Instinct” garb, Sharon Stone sits on a chair at Home Base as men throughout the studio eagerly wait for an illicit peek under her dress.

Transcript

Jiffy Pop AirbagSummary: Now you can enjoy a delicious snack while you wait for the ambulance to arrive at the scene of your next accident.

Note: Repeat from 02/15/92.

Hitting on WomenSummary: Two grown men (Chris Farley, Adam Sandler) can’t form the words to ask out an attractive woman (Sharon Stone) at a bar.

Sex GamesSummary: Dan (Kevin Nealon) doesn’t quite get the hang of participating in a sexual fantasy with his wife (Sharon Stone).

Transcript

Flippy, The Flipping ChihuahuaSummary: Flippy, The Flipping Chihuahua is run over by Toonces the Driving Cat.

Recurring Characters: Toonces the Driving Cat.

Lung BrushSummary: Don’t stop smoking – clean your lungs instead.

Note: Repeat from 11/02/91.

Pat’s InterrogationSummary: Though androgynous Pat (Julia Sweeney) endures a “Basic Instinct” interrogation process, the mysterious gender isn’t revealed.

Recurring Characters: Pat.

Transcript

Pearl Jam performs “Alive”Also Performed: 93q, 05p.

Weekend Update with Kevin NealonSummary: Rob Schneider’s commentary on the environment reveals the answers he was given while conducting a door-to-door poll. Queen Shenequa (Ellen Cleghorne) declares that she won’t be paying her taxes this year because she’s a black woman. Victoria Jackson’s commentary about the Democratic Party is sidetracked so can sing “I Love A Cop.”

Airport Security CheckSummary: Suspecting an attractive woman (Sharon Stone) of being a terrorist, male security officers (Kevin Nealon, Dana Carvey, Rob Schneider) fake alarm notices and make her remove articles of clothing.

Ernie’sSummary: Ernie (Chris Rock) insults his wife (Ellen Cleghorne) with ridiculously long descriptions.

Transcript

Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly ISummary: A man’s (Dana Carvey) neighbor (Sharon Stone) bcomes to his door to borrow the product.

Transcript

Phil Hartman CreationsSummary: Phil Hartman shows off some of the wigs he’s worn on SNL over the years.

Transcript

Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly IISummary: A man’s (Dana Carvey) neighbor (Sharon Stone) returns the product to his apartment while he’s entertaining another woman (Julia Sweeney).

Transcript

Pearl Jam performs “Porch”

The Porno CoupleSummary: A man (Phil Hartman) and his fiancee (Sharon Stone) admit that the real nature of their lives involves excessive amounts of pornography.

Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly IIISummary: A man (Dana Carvey) again meets his neighbor (Sharon Stone) at her sister’s (Victoria Jackson) apartment.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop

Murdoch…..Phil Hartman
Lisa Pongrasic…..Mary Stuart Masterson
Kevin Hurley…..Chris Farley
Rodriguez…..Dana Carvey
Partner…..Chris Rock

[ open on interior, 91st Precinct, New York City ]

Murdoch: Pongrasic, I’ve had about all I can stand of your kind of police work! Oh, you got Torelli alright – sure, no question about that – but you also broke fifteen departmental regulations! Improper warrant, illegal searches, excessive use of force..! You put the guy in the hospital, for crying out loud!

Lisa Pongrasic: [ shown only from the neck up ] Look, Murdoch. Torelli was selling cocaine to schoolchildren, what am I supposed to do, give him a parking ticket?

Murdoch: I don’t understand you, Pongrasic. You’re the best cop I got! But I can’t keep saving your butt unless you learn to start playing by the book!

Lisa Pongrasic: You know what you can do with your book, Murdoch. [ stands, revealing herself to be very pregnant ] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go get a sonogram.

Announcer: “Lisa Piongrasic: Very regnant Undrcover Cop”.

[ SUPER: “Starring Megan Forrester, Kevin Riley as Kevin Hurley, with Preston Furman as Murdoch” ]

[ opening montage features Lisa handling a variety of police duties – climbing a chain-link fence, posing undercover as a prostitute, participating in a high-speed chase, throwing a bad guy over some garbage cans, and practicing self-defense training, getting hit head-on by a car, peeking out slowly from behind a wall on stakeout ]

Murdoch: Hold it, Pongrasic! [ stands, walks closer ] Before you get your sonogram, I think you oughtta know – I’m taking you off the Rodriguez case.

Lisa Pongrasic: What?!

Murdoch: You heard me!

Lisa Pongrasic: But I’m making the buy tonight! I’m meeting Rodrigeuz in an abandoned warehouse up in the South Bronx!

Murdoch: Pongrasic, what’s your due date?

Lisa Pongrasic: April 14th. Why?

Murdoch: Too close. Maybe I’m old-school, but I just don’t like the idea of an eight-and-a-half month pregnant cop on this case.

Lisa Pongrasic: Look, Murdoch! I’ve been on this case since my first trimester!

Murdoch: [ surrenders ] Alright. I might as well tell you. The reason I didn’t want you to meet Rodriguez is.. the guys and I were gonna throw you a surprise shower tonight. Well, the cat’s out of the bag. [ pulls a stuffed bear out of his file cabinet ] Here. It’s a Paddington Bear.

Lisa Pongrasic: Oh, that’s great..

Murdoch: What’s the matter? You already have one?

Lisa Pongrasic: Yeah. But this is great! It’s always good to have an extra.

Murdoch: Oh. Well, anyway, about Rodriguez – be careful.

[ dissolve to Pongrasic sitting in a squad car with her paretner Kevin Hurley ]

Kevin Hurley: [ reading a baby care book ] Wow! It says here breastmilk is the perfect food. It says that the baby requires all the mother’s immunity the first three weeks it nurses. That’s really cool!

Lisa Pongrasic: Where the hell is Rodriguez?

Kevin Hurley: You know what sex the baby is?

Lisa Pongrasic: Shut up, Hurley! [ looks out the window ] There’s Rodriguez! Now, listen, Hurley.. you don’t come in unless there’s trouble, capiche?

Kevin Hurley: Yes, ma’am!

[ Lisa exits the vehicle ]

[ dissolve to warehouse interior, Rodriguez and Partner entering ]

Rodriguez: So, the young lady coming to make the buy tonight.. you check her out, man?

Partner: Yeah, she’s cool.

Rodriguez: How do you know she’s not a cop?

Partner: You ever see a cop with a belly out to here? [ indicates ]

Rodriguez: Yeah!

Partner: No, I mean a lady cop?

Rodriguez: [ laughs ]

[ Lisa Pongrasic enters the warehouse ]

Lisa Pongrasic: Good evening, gentlemen!

Rodriguez: Good evening, Miss Harrison. You brought the cash, did you not?

Lisa Pongrasic: It’s all here, Rodriguez. $1 million in fifties, just like you ordered.

Rodriguez: Nice.

Lisa Pongrasic: And now, Mr. Rodriguez, I believe you have something for me?

Rodriguez: Oh, Miss Harrison.. we have something.. for you. Look at that, man.. [ opens case ] Three kilos, the finest Peruvian flak, take a look, huh? We also have something else for you.

Lisa Pongrasic: Really?

Rodriguez: That’s right.

Lisa Pongrasic: Well.. I wasn’t expecting anything else..

Rodriguez: Oh, this is a surprise, isn’t it, G-Love?

Partner: Yeah! I know you’re not expecting this!

Rodriguez: You close your eyes, Miss Harrison.

Partner: Yeah, because we don’t want you to see what’s coming..

Lisa Pongrasic: Yeah, but I.. I really don’t have time..

Rodriguez: Just shut up, and close your eyes!

[ listening from the car, Kevin gets worried, and bolts ]

Rodriguez: Okay. [ pulls out another Paddington Bear ] Open ’em up, look at that, huh? It’s a gift for the baby, look at that guy! This thing is called a Paddington Bear, okay? It’s got a little raincoat, a cute little hat, red boots, you know? I hollowed out the back, it’s a good place to hide the blow, okay!

Kevin Hurley: [ from outside the door ] Pongrasic, where are you?!!

Partner: She’s a cop!

[ Kevin enters, as a shootout breaks loose, sending him down to the floor with a bullet ]

Partner: You ready to die, Pig!

[ Pongrasic shoots Partner down ]

Lisa Pongrasic: Hold on, Hurley, I’m coming to get you! [ somersaults across the floor ] I’m out of bullets! Harley, where’s your gun!

Kevin Hurley: [ weeping ] I dropped it over there where I was shot at, I’m sorry, Pongrasic!

Lisa Pongrasic: It’s okay, Hurley, I got an idea! [ jumps aboard a forklift, driving into Rodriguez until he runs out of bullets; she tackles him to the ground ] Oh! And, by the way, Rodriguez, I already got a Paddington Bear! What I really need.. is a bassinet!

Announcer: Now, here’s a scene from our next episode..

Lisa Pongrasic: We don’t have much time.. my water just broke!

Announcer: Next week, on “Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop”.

SNL Transcripts

Mary Stuart Masterson’s Monologue

…..Mary Stuart Masterson

Mary Stuart Masterson: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. You know, most of you probably know me from the movies I’ve done – most recently, “Fried Green Tomatoes”. [ audience applauds ] Wow! You’ve sene it! Thank you!

And, if you didn’t see it, my character was a young woman who was tough, yet vulnerable. Of course, that’s basically how casting directors se me – the young women who’s tough, yet vulnerable.

But that’s not all I am. So tonight, I’ve decided to how you a different side of me – a side that is vulgar, yet stupid. 3! 4!

[ band plays, Mary opens her shirt and does a vulgar, yet stupid dance ]

Thanks! I really wish I hadn’t done that. Right now, I’m feeling pretty vulnerable.. but you know, I’m gonna be okay. You know why? Because I’m tough. And we’ve got a great show tonight. En Vogue is here, so don’t go away, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Lyle, the Effeminate Heterosexual

Lyle…..Dana Carvey
Buddy #1…..Chris Farley
Buddy #2…..Kevin Nealon
Buddy #3…..Phil Hartman
Lyle’s Wife…..Julia Sweeney
Lyle’s daughter Lisa…..Mary Stuart Masterson
Singing Telegram…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Lyle playing a game of poker with his buddies. ]

Buddy #1: [ leafing through Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue ] You know, I never get tired of looking at these women.

Lyle: Check out the ass on Page 47. You just want to eat it right off the page!

Buddy #1: [ checking the photo out ] Man! Look at Ashley Montana!

Lyle: Oh, tell me about it – Count Jugula! One of those is all I need!

Buddy #2: A woman so beautiful, it’s intimidating..

Lyle: Please! Give me five minutes alone with her, she’ll be screaming!

Buddy #3: Well, you can’t have Cindy Crawford – she’s married to Richard Gere.

Lyle: I heard he’s a flamer..

Lyle’s Wife: [ entering the room ] Hi, Honey, how’s the poker game?

Lyle: [ nervous, attempts to hide the swimsuit magazine ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ jumps up and kisses his wife] Hi, Honey. Love you! Fellows, time to go – game’s over! Let’s go! Clear out! Got the real thing right here!

[ Lyle’s buddies exit to the front door and say their goodnights ]

Lyle’s Wife: Honey, you didn’t have to rush them out.

Lyle: Well, I just.. I don’t know.. I just though tonight might be.. sort of special..! [ his wife smiles as the phone rings ] I’ll get it. You just get ready for tonight! [ Lyle’s wife walks up the stairs, as he hops excitedly across the room to answer the phone ] Hello? Yes, this is Lyle. Yes, I was at the parade. No, I wasn’t allowed to march. No, I just can’t understand it, either. Well, yes, I think a protest would be a good idea, because, I.. Cappucino?? Why do you want to meet me for cappucino? What is the name of your organization, young man? WHAT??!! Well, that is just INSANE!! Where on earth did you get that idea?! Listen, you little queen – don’t you call me again, or I swear I’ll break both your legs, and you’ll never march again! [ he slams the phone down ] Geez, what a sick, sick city!

Lyle’s Daughter: [ walking downstairs, depressed ] Hi, Dad.

Lyle: Hi, Lisa. How’s my little girl?

Lyle’s Daughter: I don’t know.. Dad? Can we talk? [ She and Lyle sit down next to one another ] Dad? When you were my age.. were you ver just.. so in love with a guy, you just couldn’t get him out of your head?

Lyle: [ confused ] What? Well, what do you mean, was I in love with a guy?

Lyle’s Daughter: Well, you know.. you just see his face everywhere, and.. no other guy matters, not even the captain of the football team.

Lyle: [ still greatly confused ] Look.. I’m sorry, but why are you asking me this?

Lyle’s Daughter: Well.. I don’t know.. I mean.. aren’t you gay?

Lyle: [ angry ] What??! Well, I don’t believe this! Where do thee people get this idea?! Listen! You’re lucky you’re a girl, or I would schmack your ass clear across this room!

Lyle’s Daughter: [ upset, runs back up the stairs ] Dad! I just wanted your advice!

Lyle: [ calling up the stairs ] Well.. next time, ask me about a carborator, or something! [ the doorbell rings, Lyle answers it ] Yes?

Singing Telegram: Hi. I have a singing telegramfor.. Mr. Billup?

Lyle: [ jumping up and down, clapping his hands ] That’s me! That’s me! Come in! [ Singing Telegram man enters, Lyle’s wife comes downstairs ]

Singing Telegram: [ singing ] Happy Birthday, Mr. Billup! Happy Birthday, Deeeaarr Lyle!

Lyle: [ to his wife ] You remembered!

Singing Telegram: [ still singing, wraps a scarf around Lyle’s neck ] It’s been a great yeeeaaarr, Mr. Billup! [ takes his shirt off ] And you’ve done iiittt in style! So, remember, Mr. Billup.. [ takes his pants off ] ‘Cause you’re a special kind of ma-a-a-nn!

Lyle: [ interrupting ] Hold it! Hold it! Stop it! Time out! This is disgusting!

Singing Telegram: Well, Sir, this is what was ordered!

Lyle: Well, I don’t think so!

Lyle’s Wife: Well, I thought you’d like it, Dear. I mean, after all, you’re gay!

Lyle: [ to the camera ] WHAAAATTTT???!!!

Jingle: He’d like us to say,
He’s straight, and not gay.
He’s Lyle the Effeminate Hetereosexual!

SNL Transcripts

Colosseum Events Committee

Events Coordinator #1…..Phil Hartman
Events Coordinator #2…..Kevin Nealon
Events Coordinator #3…..Mike Myers

Events Coordinator #1: What about.. a guy on fire, versus a guy with a bucket of water?

Events Coordinator #2: [ thinking ] Well, I can see why the guy on fire would want to get the other guy’s water. But what’s the incentive for the guy with the water? I mean, what’s it it for him?

Events Coordinator #3: Yeah. I mean, why would he just dump out his water and run away?

Events Coordinator #1: Well, maybe because if he does, he gets executed, I don’t know! Help me! Look, all I know is, we gotta come up with some new ideas, or our heads are gonna end up stuck on stakes! The Emporer is sick of the same old Gladiator-with-Sowrd-and-Shield versus Gladiator-with-Trident-and-Net!

Events Coordinator #2: What about children fighting monkeys?

Events Coordinator #3: That’s not bad..

Events Coordinator #1: Forget it! People are not gonna stand for monkeys killing children!

Events Coordinator #2: Oh, but.. cute little monkeys?

Events Coordinator #1: What about a battle of amputees?

Events Coordinator #3: Oh, that’s good! That’s good!

Events Coordinator #2: Better yet – how about a battle of amoutees fighting each other with their amputated limbs?

Events Coordinator #1: Now we’re getting somewhere! Come on, we need more ideas, what else?

Events Coordinator #2: Hey! What if we crucify a bunch of guys in here, then we let in a bunch of beavers, and the first beaver to knock down a cross, that guy goes free!

Events Coordinator #1: Oh, boy.. that could take a long time.. the crowd could get bored..

Events Coordinator #3: Okay. Well, uh, maybe while the beavers are chewing, the crucified guys could shoot arrows at each other?

Events Coordinator #2: Or, better yet – shoot arrows at each other guy’s beaver!

Events Coordinator #1: Wait! They’re crucifued! How are they gonna shoot arrows?!

Events Coordinator #3: Well, uh.. maybe you just crucify them at the shoulder, you know? [ demonstrates an awkward shooting stance ]

Events Coordinator #1: Oh.. you know what? You know what? They already tried this in Pompei. The beavers didn’t chew down the crosses, they just went over in the corner and burrowed don under the retaininng wall, it was just disastrous..

Events Coordinator #2: Hey. What about, just tie and guy up and having him dragged around by a horse?

Events Coordinator #3: But, who does he fight?

Events Coordinator #2: He doesn’t fight anybody. Sometimes it’s just nice to see a guy dragged around behind a horse!

Events Coordinator #1: Come on, you guys! We need innovation here!

Events Coordinator #2: Well, you come up with something, then.

Events Coordinator #1: Okay.. [ thinking ] A guy.. on stilts.. with a ball of molten oetal.. fighting a guy.. with an umbrella and a hatchet?

Events Coordinator #2: No, no, it seems too busy, too busy..

Events Coordinator #3: Alright. What if one gladiator throws a really hard ball at another gladiator, and that second gladiator tries to hit the ball with a wooden club, and after he hits it, he tries to run around.. a series of.. bases?

Events Coordinator #2: Yeah. Yeah! And, if that guy hits the ball up into the stands, he could run all the way to the home base?

Events Coordinator #1: Hey? Could he be beaten as he runs around the bases? You know, like a gauntlet?

Events Coordinators #2 & #3: Yeah!! Yeah!!

Events Coordinator #1: But what happens when he gets to the home base?

Events Coordinator #3: He gets crucified!

Events Coordinator #1: Yes!! You guy,s I think we’ve got a winner here!

[ cut to the next big colosseum event, the crowd cheering wildly ]

[ show the three Events Coordinators with their heads stuck on stakes, as the crowd cheers, unable to get enough ]

SNL Transcripts