Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon Cajunman (Adam Sandler) relates his Spring Break experiences to Kevin Nealon. Ed McMahon (Phil Hartman) is enthuiastic during wedding to Pamela (Beth Cahill). Recurring Characters: Cajunman, Ed McMahon.
Kevin Nealon: Good evening Im Kevin Nealon and Im presently recovering from an attempted triple lutz.
Our top story: Pat Buchanan has predicted that President Bush will now deploy all the kings horses and all the kings men to defeat him in the upcoming primaries. Bush seized upon the analogy and angrily retorted hey diddle did, the cat and the fiddle.
Now our lead story. In the New Hampshire primary, Paul Tsongas beat the other democrats on Tuesday night with 34% of the vote. Although that was an important victory, Tsongas is already being compared to Michael Dukakis and will have to campaign vigorously to prove hes not another geek- uh Greek from Massachusetts.
And now our top leading story. Democratic hopeful Tom Harkin ended up in the National Primary with 10% of the vote. Harkin said if he had just gotten 80% of the vote, it would have been a totally different primary.
Meanwhile an exit poll indicates that 94% of all exits are used by people leaving buildings. The other 6% were used by confused people looking for the entrance.
Until Wednesday, president Bush had refused to say president Bushs name in public, referring to him his challenger as the other guy. Bush changed his practice after voters came under the impression that he was running against Gene Siskel.
At a campaign rally this week, president Bush responded to a question about Pat Buchanan by saying simply, Buchanan, hey, I got your Buchanan right here! [pointing to his crotch].
Well the senate passed a new energy bill this week intended to find alternative fuel sources that could possibly bring out some sort of charisma in Paul Tsongas. Well see how that goes.
CIA director Robert Gates announced today that he plans to make public secret files on the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Weekend Update has already obtained one of the files. [screen shows file will all words black out, except Oswald] This document seems to confirm the warrant commissions findings that Oswald did act alone.
This week Time magazine reveals that former president Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul II formed a secret alliance in 1982 to help save Polands outlawed solidarity movement. The Pope and Reagan were often referred to by insiders as forgive and forget.
Salman Rushdie, still in hiding since his Islamic death sentence, has announced hell marry for the third time. Must be tough being married to him, Ill say. [impersonating Rushdies wife] We never go out! We never go out! You dont take me anywhere!
Sex advisors Masters and Johnson are getting divorced after 21 years of marriage. But the couple says the split is merely based on differences in the goals each has in the balance of their lives. Its a condition more commonly knowns as the he still wants to, she doesnt syndrome.
In a related story, Johnson and Johnson, the famous shampoo couple are calling it quits. A messy fight is expected for custody of the baby shampoo.
A US nuclear submarine collided with a Russian nuclear sub last week near the Arctic Circle. Paramount studios already plans to turn the action into a feature film called Das Booboo.The damage was minor compared to a very messy collision several years ago between a US sub and an Italian sub with everything on it.
Environmentalists report that the slime and sludge currently polluting the waters of New York harbor are actually due to the leaking implants installed in the Statue of Liberty during a recent renovation.
You know, I had a laugh this morning
A wallet that belonged to George Washington stolen last month from a New Jersey museum was returned to police this week. The wallet contained only a small portrait of the late president and was worth about a dollar.
Well, Austrailia won the gold metal in the Olympic 4 men bobsled races held today in Alberville, France. Lets take a look at that exciting winning run right now. [screen shows video of bobsled racing for a few seconds, from a fans perspective] There they go. That was a $45 ticket by the way, very exciting.
The US, seemed disappointed with the results yesterday, traded Hershel Walker to the unified team for a case of vodka and a Serb to be named later.
Here with more on the subject is our Grumpy Old Man. Grumpy.
Grumpy Old Man: Yeah, Im a grumpy old man and I dont like things compared to the way they used to be. Nowadays they got a thing called the winter Olympics with all their modern and safe equipment- who needs it? Progress- flibody flabody floobody flaboslash. In my day, we didnt have these fancy new skis. In my day wed find an avalanche, pull out the corpses, strap em to our ferr and go flyin down the mountain, yellin look at me, Im ridin dead people!. Whoopee! It was a thing of beauty I tell ya. Nowadays if you win an event, they give you a gold metal. Phooey! In my day, if you won they have you a rotten piece of stinkin wood. If you got the bronze, theyd slam steel spikes through your feet. And youd scream but I wont lose again. Course you wont, you wont walk again, hee hee hee! Oh it was beautiful. In my day, wed compete. One vent was freeze your lips through the freezing metal pole. Whoever pryed their moth off the pole first won. The winner would look like a bleeding lipless idiot holdin a stinkin piece of wood with spikes through his feet sayin look at me, Im a freak, and I love it!. Oh it was glorious. Where did it all go wrong? Why God why? Why God all mighty Jehovah answer me, why? Why? Why?
Kevin Nealon: Thank you Grumpy. What a grump.
The hat worn by Oswald killer Jack Ruby has sold at auction for $12,000. While the price was respectable, the hat didnt bring as much as the legendary Ruby slippers, which went for nearly $100,000.
Michael Jackson returned from Africa after getting in trouble for touching his nose. Local residents thought he was saying they smelled bad. Michael apologized and said hell try to break the nose habit and go back to more familiar territory. [screen shows picture of Jackson grabbing his crotch]
You know, theres a big, big world out there filled with millions of people, and at any given moment, you just might be one of them.
This week, Heraldo Rivera had fat cells from his behind implanted in his head to remove wrinkles. That would make him a butthead wouldnt it? Well in turn he also had fat cells removed from his brain to get the wrinkles out of his ass.
In tragic news today, Elroy Jetson of the famed Jetson family was arrested for armed robbery. Elroy and an unidentified masked accomplice walked into a bank and said, rand rover rour money.
Kevin Nealon: Im Kevin Nealon and thats news to me.
Michael Tassoni…..Kevin Nealon Receptionist…..David Spade …..Roseanne Arnold Elderly Woman…..Julia Sweeney Jesus…..Phil Hartman
[ open on the Reception Area of Dick Clark Studios, his Receptionist sitting behind a desk reading a book and paying attention mainly to himself ]
Michael Tassoni: [ enters ] Hi, I’m here to see Mr. Clark.
Receptionist: Okay, and you are..?
Michael Tassoni: Michael Tassoni.
Receptionist: And this is regarding..?
Michael Tassoni: Mr. Clark is buying a few custom made suits from our company, and he asked me if I would stop by today and take his measurements.
Receptionist: Right.. so you don’t have an appointment.
Michael Tassoni: Well.. no, not really.. I mean he..
Receptionist: Okay.. if you could just have a seat.
Michael Tassoni: But..
Receptionist: [ whispering ] Thanks.
[ Roseanne Arnold enters, and attempts to walk past the Receptionist into Dick Clark’s office ]
Receptionist: Uh, uh, hi! Hello!
Roseanne Arnold: Oh, hi. I’m here to see Dick.
Receptionist: And you are..?
Roseanne Arnold: [ aghast ] Are you kidding?
Receptionist: No, ma’am.
Roseanne Arnold: Roseanne.. Arnold. Ring a bell?
Receptionist: [ not ringing his bell ] And he would know you from..?
Roseanne Arnold: Maybe from my own show that happens to be Number One in the Nielsens.
Receptionist: Right.. and is that some sort of contest or something? I don’t..
Roseanne Arnold: Are you seriously this stupid? I have myown TV show – like Bill Cosby.
Receptionist: Right.. and he is..?
Roseanne Arnold: A TV star, like me!
Receptionist: TV?
Roseanne Arnold: Yeah, you know, TV, where an electron gun sends eletron particles out of a cathode-ray tube and they travel over the airwaves to a satellite, then back down to earth in a rectangular box that unscrambles them so people can stare at them?
Receptionist: I’m no stranger to sarcasm.
Roseanne Arnold: Listen, peewee, forty million people see me every Tuesday night.
Receptionist: I only watch PBS. Please forgive me. I’m sure you’re very famous, and if you could just have a seat, it won’t be long.
Roseanne Arnold: Don’t talk down to me, you little tick, or I’ll throw you back on the mangy dog’s ass you jumped off of!
Receptionist: Using that tone won’t get you in any faster. I suggest you wait your turn. Now, do you need a parking validation, or..
Roseanne Arnold: NO! [ angrily plops down next to MichaelTassoni, and lights a cigarette ]
Receptionist: Would you be a lamb and not smoke? Thanks.
Roseanne Arnold: [ to Michael Tassoni ] This guy gets under my skin like a chigger.
Receptionist: Uh.. I heard that.
Roseanne Arnold: [ bitchy ] Good!
[ an Elderly Woman enters, stands very emotional, near tears, in front of the Receptionist’s desk ]
Elderly Woman: Excuse me.. this is very hard for me. I’m Dick Clark’s biological mother. I gave Richard up for adoption when he was three weeks old, and not a day goes by when it doesn’t tear me apart inside, not knowing if I made the right decision. I know he’s spent years looking for me, and I’m finally ready to see him. I have an aching void inside me, and seeing his face is the only thing that could..
Receptionist: I’m sorry, I was on the phone, did you have a question?
Elderly Woman: No, I’m sorry.. this was a bad idea..
Receptionist: No, no. You can stay. But can I ask you a favor?Would you be a dove and wait over there for him? [ waves his hands toward the others ] We like to keep this area clear. Thanks.
[ Elderly Woman sits down near the others ]
Roseanne Arnold: [ struts over to the Receptionist’s desk ] By the way, I just made your whole year’s salary while I was sitting here. Just thought I’d let you know that. [ returns to her seat ]
[ a cloud of smoke appears suddenly – the Son of Man steps out ]
Jesus: Hello, my son.
Receptionist: Hi. And you are..?
Jesus: I am the Lord. I’m here to get on the airwaves that Richard Clark controls to tell the world I have come back as I promised.
Receptionist: Now.. did you have an appointment, or..? Jesus: My son, don’t you recognize Me from the Bible?
Receptionist: I’m not a big reader. If you could just have a seat.
Jesus: [ stern ] Listen. Friend..
Receptionist: I know. If you could just have a seat. Thanks.
[ relunctant, Jesus impishly sits down next to the others ]
Roseanne Arnold: [ to Jesus ] Isn’t he the worst?
Jesus: He really is.
Michael Tassoni: Can’t you do something?
Jesus: I will. In a minute.
Receptionist: Threatening me with eternal damnation won’t get you in any faster. [ phone rings ] Dick Clark Productions! And you are..?
Roseanne Arnold: It’s great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”, but this time it’s better, because my husband Tom’s co-hosting!
Tom Arnold: Thank you, folks, thank you! You know, there’s probably a lot of people thinking, Oh, great.. Rosie dragged her husband Tom on yet another show.” But that’s not true – I forced her to bring me on another show! Alright! But you gotta admit one thing, folks – I’m a lot cooler than her ex-husband! I mean, that guy was a jerk.
Roseanne Arnold: Yeah. Okay, he’s suing me for custody of the kids, you know? So now, I have to go to court and fight him and everything.. ’cause my lawyer says it would look real bad if I don’t. So, what are we gonna talk about on this show?
Tom Arnold: Well, honey, I think we should probably reveal something about ourselves that peole do not know.
Roseanne Arnold: Well.. well, we can’t talk about all the diets we went on.
Tom Arnold: Yeah. Because we did that on “Oprah”.
Roseanne Arnold: Yeah. And, besides, we’re already gaining all that weight back.
Tom Arnold: Yeah. So did Oprah, though! So.. You know, we could talk about the big house we’re building in Iowa, with the olympic-sized pool and the bowling alley, and..
Roseanne Arnold: No, we already talked about that on “Larry King Live”.
Tom Arnold: I thought that was “Arsenio” we talked about that..?
Roseanne Arnold: No, on “Arsenio”, we talked about our kids being in a mental hospital.
Tom Arnold: No, no.. that was on “Sonya Live”.
Roseanne Arnold: No, on “Sonya Live” was when you talked about throwing my ex-husband over the hood of his car.
Tom Arnold: Oh, yeah! [ laughs ] That was funny! He’s suing us now, right?
Roseanne Arnold: Yeah.
Tom Arnold: Yeah.. Hey, let’s talk about me selling stories to the Enquiere for drug money!
Roseanne Arnold: No.. we already ralked about that on “Good Morning, America”.
Tom Arnold: Yeah..
Roseanne Arnold: Hey, I’ve got one! How about that time we hired those hoodlums to beat up them photographers!
Tom Arnold: No, no.. we went over that on the “Paul Rodriguez Show”.
Roseanne Arnold: [ pause to think ] We went on the “Paul Rodriguez Show”?
Tom Arnold: Yeah! You remember that night we had nothing to do, and we were like driving around, and we saw a light on at this little tiny TV studio?
Roseanne Arnold: Oh, yeah.. Hey, you know, maybe our therapist is right – she said we don’t need to expose anything about ourselves, and people will still like us!
Tom Arnold: [ thinking ] Ah.. we’d better, we’d better make something up! [ thinks ] I’m gay!
Roseanne Arnold: No, you’re not!
Tom Arnold: Yeah.. you remember we went on “Geraldo”, and I talked about it?
Roseanne Arnold: Oh, yeah.. oh, I’m gay, too! Well, we’ve got a really great show..
Tom Arnold: Yes, a great show! We’ve got the Red Hot Chili Peppers!
Roseanne Arnold: And we’ll be right baaaaaaaaccckkkk!!
Jack Handey V/O: Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers Liz…..Madonna Liz’a Mother…..Roseanne Arnold Caller #1…..Julia Sweeney Caller #2…..Adam Sandler
Linda Richman: Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. I’m your host, Linda Richman. First of all, I want to say “Happy Birthday” to my daughter, Robin – “Happy Birthday, Bubala.” Now, this show used to be hosted by my friend Paul Baldwin, but he developed shpilkes in his geneckte gezeugte. For now, he’s in Boca Raton, Florida, recovering, thank you very much. This is my best friend, Liz Rosenberg.
[ camera pans to Liz ]
Liz: Linda, don’t talk to me, I’m having a bad hair day. By the way, this is my mother.. [ camera pans to Liz’s Mother ] ..she’s visiting from Scottsdale.
Liz’s Mother: I live in Scottsdale for my health. I have troublewith my, uh.. woman’s problem, and I’m gassy. But don’t worry, I promise I won’t say anything, I’ll sit here in the dark like a dog!
Liz: Mommala, no one wants to hear how gassy you are! [ to Linda ] You don’t know the sirus I’ve had with woman! Dr. Kevorkian, you can expect a call from me anytime!
Linda Richman: Okay. Now, this show is dedicated, as ever, toBarbra Joan Streisand. Yes. We love her. And, of course, the big news – “Prince of Tides”. 7 Oscar nominations total, including Best Picture. But Barbra did not get a nomination for Best Director.
Liz: Long story short – I love “Prince of Tides”. It wasto die for! And to think a poor little mescite from Brooklyn made this masterpiece, and she’s not getting any recognition for it.. [ near tears ] I’m sorry, but I get a little choked up!
Linda Richman: Please! Do not get me started. It’s so unfair!Now I’m getting emotional, I’m a little verklempt!
Liz: You’re verklempt? I’m verklempt!
Linda Richman: I’m sorry. Talk amongst yourselves! [ pause ]There. It passed.
Liz’s Mother: You know, I once knew this guy who had a gall bladder thing.. he passed out, and it exploded! It happened, you know?
Liz: Mommala, shh!
Liz’s Mother: Fine! I’ll sit over in the corner and eat wetcigarette butts.
Liz: Mommala, please stop complaining! [ to Linda ] Can youbelieve this woman! I know she’s my mother, I shouldn’t say this.. but I’m going to her condo now, and it’s starting to smell from old lady!
Linda Richman: Okay, let’s take a call. The number is 555-4444.Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. Call! We’ll talk, no big whoop!
Caller #1: Hello, Linda? Did you see Barbra on “Larry King Live”?
Linda Richman: Yes, I did. A full hour of Barbra, it was likeheroin! Not that I know what it’s like, it’s what I understand it’slike on “20/20”.
Liz: Yes! Barbra was so beautiful in the movie. Did you see her nails? They were like butter!
Linda Richman: Butter! Like butter! Those legs in those sparkling stockings – again, butter! Welcome to “Coffee Talk”, the number is 555-4444.
Caller #2: Hello, Linda? I just wanted to say I love your show!
Linda Richman: Thank you very much. You’re a beatiful person.Don’t go changing just to please me, I’ll tumble for you. Go on.
Liz: So funny, you are!
Linda Richman: Did you see Barbra on “60 Minutes”?
Linda Richman: Yes, I did. Ugh! That Mike Wallace was not verynice to her.
Liz: What he did to her, I wouldn’t wish on my worse enemy’s dog – poof, poof!
Liz’s Mother: Well, what about what you do to me, telling me toshut up all the time? You’re just like your father – he tells me to shut up all the time, and then.. then he runs away with some young magician’s assistant!
Liz: He ran away because you wouldn’t stop talking already!
Liz’s Mother: P.S. That’s what Hitler said to me and our peopleduring the two wars!
Liz: P.S., Mommala, you lived in Miami during the two wars! You’re driving everyone crazy! You drove your husband crazy, and now you’re driving me crazy!
Liz’s Mother: [ crying ] You’re right.. it was all me!
Liz: Oh, I forgive you, Mommala! I love you, Mommala!
Liz’s Mother: I love you!
[ they hug ]
Linda Richman: This is so “Prince of Tides”! The scene where Nick Nolte reconciles with Kate Nelligan – now I’m getting verklempt!
Liz: We’re all verklempt!
Linda Richman: I’m sorry. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: The Romanesque church design was based on a Roman basillica. Discuss. [ pause ] Okay. There. I feel better.
Liz: Me, too. Thanks, God, for waterproof Lancomb.
Liz’s Mother: Hey! I want to take a call! Welcome to “CoffeeTalk”, who’s this? Hello? Hello, talk.
Caller #3: Hello, Linda? I think Barbra should do a duet withMadonna.
Liz: Ech! I don’t like that Madonna – she’s a kulver! She’s a tramp! Every week with a different boyfriend! And this week, in the paper with no clothes on – ech! Who needs her?
Linda Richman: Still, that’s some body she has. You should have that body. Did you see her legs? They’re like butter! Like two sticks of butter lashed together in a roughhewn manner.
Liz: Kulver!
Liz’s Mother: [ coughs up hairball ] So new, I hear Madonna’s aMexican, but she doesn’t want anyone to know about it, I read it in theStar!
Liz: Please, don’t listen to my mother. I love her, but she’s alittle ibaboodle in the capi..
Linda Richman: Relax. Relax, darlin, we’re all mishputka. Alright. Well, that’s all the time we have this week. My name is Linda Richman.
Liz: And my name is Liz – of course, this is my mother. Barbra,we love you – hello, gorgeous! The movie was like butter!
Linda Richman: Like butter.
Liz’s Mother: Like a big stick of butter!
Liz: Mommala! Oy!
[ Barbra Streisand sneaks unsuspectingly onto the set ]
Barbra Streisand: All this talk about food, I’m getting hungry,girls!
[ Linda, Liz, and Liz’s Mother scream in bewildered surprise ]
Linda Richman: Oh, my God! It’s Barbra! It’s Barbra! You’re beatiful! It’s Barbra! Oh! I can die now! Barbra, you’re beautiful! That’s all the time we have, I have to go and die now! Barbra!
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey Dan Quayle…..Jeff Renaudo
President George Bush: Well, good evening! You know, this is the first I’ve talked to you, the American people, since Tuesday, the day the people of New Hampshire delivered their message. Yes, I got it! Now, message received, loud and clear. Thank you, people of New Hampshire. You did your job, sent me the message, the message I got. Roger, Wilco! [ laughs ] Message received! You know, came in this ear, bounced around this cranial area right here, going round and round and round. Didn’t come out this ear – stopped! Got it!
Now, don’t worry, you Super Tuesday people. New Hampshire did your work, they sent their message.. [ mimics telegraph ] ..got it! Received! Got it, didn’t want to get it, but got it, got it good! And just to show you I got the message – and I got it – gonna write it down, message right here. [ takes out piece of paper and a marker ] Message being written right now. I’m moving the implement that will form the letters that will spell said message, the message that I got. And here is that message.. [ holds up sign reading “You’re Pissed!” ]
[ Dan Quayle enters ]
Dan Quayle: Hi, George!
President George Bush: Well! Dan! My little Vice-President! Well, come on up here, Skipper! [ sits Quayle on his lap ] Look at you, growing like a weed, there! Sprouting up.. looks like somebody needs a trim!
Dan Quayle: We did good in New Hampshire, didn’t we, George? We got 53%! We won!
President George Bush: Well, Dan, that’s nice of you to say. But, let me tell you, for a sitting President, 53% is not good. It’s bad! It’s bad!
Dan Quayle: But you’ll beat Buchanan, won’t you! He’s ugly! [ hides his head in Bush’s arms ]
President George Bush: Oh, now, now, now.. He’s very emotional. now, Dan, take her easy. He’s not as cute as you are, little Skipper – never will be – but we don’t want to go negative. You see, the people were sending us a message. They don’t think we care about them.
Dan Quayle: But we do! We do care!
President George Bush: Well, now, good, DAn.. that’s good. Smart boy, talented.. always learning, always growing.. give me a smile. Give me a smile. Love those pearly whites! Well, now, run along now, someone’s bedtime, there you go!
Dan Quayle: [ gets up ] We’re gonna win! [ exits ]
President George Bush: Alright.. atta boy.. Bush.. Bush/Buchanan.. nah.. [ laughs ] To sum up: message received; Roger, Wilco; got the message.. [ holds up sign ]; no more message needed, got it; Dan Quayle, still gaining acceptance; “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiigghhhtttt!!“
Verne Lundquist…..Phil Hartman Scott Hamilton…..Dana Carvey Brian Deming…..Jason Priestly Tracey Wilson…..Julia Sweeney
(The opening animation of CBSs coverage of the XVI Winter Games in Albertville is shown)
Verne Lundquist: Hello, Im Verne Lundquist. Were about to witness one of those dramatic moments that makes The winter Olympics, we here at CBS are associated with. Brian Deming, a young man from Rockford, Illinois, a real Cinderella story. A man who was not expected to win a medal here in Albertville. Can with an impressive performance tonight Vault himself into contention into the Gold Medal in Mens Figure Skating. Our own Scott Hamilton is with us. (Scott appears) Scott, what does Brian need tonight.
Scott Hamilton: Well Verne, Brian needs a 5.6. Thats a 5.6 to pass Alexander Yolonov for a silver medal and he needs a 5.8 for a gold. He cant afford a big mistake but I watched Brian in practice today and he was exquisite. All he has to do is skate the program he skated this afternoon and Brian will have his medal.
(Brian skates onto the ice)
Verne Lundquist: Thank you Scott. Heres Brian now, hes taking his position on the ice. (Brians mother is shown in the crowd) And there we see Brians mother, the woman the story of sacrifice, we are all very familiar with. Driving Brian 120 miles every day, back and forth to Chicago seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year for sixteen years so he could train with Marty Schienholtz. Quite a story. We have reached the moment of truth. Lets watch [The music starts and Brian starts skating]
Scott Hamilton: What a bold choice of music. Now this first move coming up is a triple twist lutz. Its very crucial to his per (Brian jumps and wipes out)
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Scott Hamilton: Well, thats too bad. Thatll cost him the gold.
Verne Lundquist: Oh thats a shame, Scott.
Scott Hamilton: Yes, very very disappointing. But hes not letting up. He still looks like he can really (Brian jumps and wipes out again)
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Scott Hamilton: Well, thatll cost him even the bronze.
Verne Lundquist: Really, just for that fall.
Scott Hamilton: Yes, it was just so totally out of control.
Verne Lundquist: But hes gotten up and hes continuing on.
Scott Hamilton: Yes, you really have to admire how this man has hung in there and– (Brian wipes out again)
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Verne Lundquist: What was he trying there?
Scott Hamilton: Well that was a double axel, Verne, but he mustve caught an edge because he just wiped out.
Verne Lundquist: But hes up again. What courage. It looks like hes perhaps injured himself.
Scott Hamilton: Yes, he seems to be favoring his (Brian just falls down this time)
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Scott Hamilton: Well, that was awful.
Verne Lundquist: He should quit now, shouldn’t he?
Scott Hamilton: Yes, hes just totally out of his routine. I would say hes completely (Brian falls again)
Verne and Scott: Oh!
(Cut to Verne and Scott)
Verne Lundquist: Could this cause permanent
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Verne Lundquist: permanent
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Verne Lundquist: damage?
Scott Hamilton: Yes, he really should
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Scott Hamilton: Someone should really stop this, but Olympic rules prohibit
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Scott Hamilton: anyway from actually
[Cut back to the ice where Brian is now sliding on his belly]
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Scott Hamilton: You know, I think the important thing about the Olympics is (Brian falls again) to come here to Olympics and compete and give it your best and I can say as a former Olympian is the greatest thrill is just having been there. (Brian crashes into the boards) And thats something that Brian will have for the rest of his life.
Verne Lundquist: Oh, whos skating next Scott?
Scott Hamilton: Randy Bauer from Germany Verne. Hes a very graceful and technical superior skater, but he doesnt have the flamboyance of a Franz Pennick.
Verne Lundquist: Franz from Switzerland, a civil worker from Zurich whose wife is expecting a baby at any minute.
Scott Hamilton: Yes, quite a human drama there.
Verne Lundquist: And of course well be going to highlights of the Womens Alpine Skiing later in the broadcast and that exciting run Uli Gerhart this afternoon in the Giant Slalom. But back to Brian Deming who appears to be wrapping up his heroic performance here in Albertville, yes. (Brian finishes with a gash over his right eye and a bloody lip) We are waiting for Brians scores. Right now, lets go down to Tracey Wilson whos with Brian.
[Cut to Tracey and a completely out of breath Brian]
Tracey Wilson: Brian, that was a bold choice of music. (Brian nods)
[The scores appear on the screen]
Tracey Wilson: Here are the scores, (FRA) 0.1, (AUS) 0.1, (USA) 0.1, (EUN) 0.0, thats the Russian judge. (CAN) Oh, theres a 0.2, (GER) and another 0.0, (GBR) and another 0.0. Brian, are you disappointed? (Brian nods) Brian, is there anything that you can say?
Brian Deming: (grabs the mike) LIVE FROM NEW YORK, ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!!
Spokesman: If you’re concerned about auto safety, you probably know about this.. [ holds up air bag ] ..the air bag. Experts agree it’s your best chance of surviving a collision. But there’s one drawback to the concentional air bag – it may save your life, but what do you eat while waiting for help to arrive? We at Jiffy Pop think we have the answer – the Jiffy Pop Air Bag. [ Air Bag pops open ] It’s quick, and easy.
[ show demonstration of car engine ]
Upon impact, the Jiffy Pop kernals in the steering column are instantly fed to the engine block, where they’re with oil from the crankcase. As the corn is popped, the bag expands, protecting the driver from injury, and, best of all, providing a delicious low-calorie treat. It’s as fun to eat as it is to make.
[ show Actual Reenactment ]
EMS: [ rushes to smashed car ] Are you okay?
Driver: [ calmly eating her popcorn ] Mmm-hmm. How the other driver?
EMS: Not too good. How’s the Jiffy Pop?
Driver: Great!
[ pan to Spokesman in foreground ]
Spokesman: The Jiffy Pop Air Bag. Because we don’t want you to walk away from your next accident on an empty stomach.
Announcer: The Jiffy Pop Air Bag. Now in Chedder Cheese.
[ SUPER: “Warning: During collision, some kernals may remain unpopped” ]
Air Date:
Garth Brooks, “The River”
Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Under The Bridge”
