SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 15

10o: Russell Brand / Chris Brown

Livin’ Single

DJ Terry…..Taran Killam
Dina D’Angelo…..Vanessa Bayer
Woman #1…..Abby Elliott
Woman #2…..Kristen Wiig
Damian Cryer…..Russell Brand

[ open on Oxygen Network logo ]

Announcer: Welcome to “Livin’ Single”!

[ dissolve to bouncy opening montage ]

Announcer: She’s a best-selling author, and she did it all WITHOUT a man!

[ dissolve to DJ Terry ]

DJ Terry: Ladies and gentlemen — Dina D’Angelo is “Livin’ Single”!!

[ Dina D’Angelo dances her way out onstage, joining DJ and the largely female audience in the festivities ]

Dina D’Angelo: Welcome to “Livin’ Single”!! If you’re single and loving it, say “HEYYYY!!”

Audience: “HEYYYYYY!!!!”

Dina D’Angelo: Guys! Whether you’re a widow, a divorcee, or a solo girl who just don’t give a ZANG — this show is for YOU! Right, guys! [ the audience cheers, as she dances toward two women in the audience ] It’s for YOU! How are you two doing?

Woman #1: I’m single and loving it, thanks to you!

Woman #2: I left my husband, and now I’m single and stronger!

Dina D’Angelo: Are you SO happy!

Woman #2: Almost.

Dina D’Angelo: DJ Terry — I see you!

DJ Terry: You’re changing lives, Dina!

Dina D’Angelo: Oh, you’re SUCH a good friend! [ to the audience ] You know — DJ Terry has asked me out ELEVEN times! And each time I’ve said “No.” Not because I don’t think he’s a super cool dude, but because I know that he and I are BETTER OFF… SINGLE!!!

DJ Terry: It really IS better! [ he lowers his pitch and frowns ] You’re amazing.

Dina D’Angelo: Okay! So who hates Valentine’s Day? BOOOOOO!!! Right? Well, you don’t have to hate it… any MO’! Just do what I do ladies: Get yo’ white wine, draw yo’ bubble bath, and spoil… yo’self!

DJ Terry: Or… you could go on a date with your DJ!

Dina D’Angelo: [ laughing ] Very funny, dude!

DJ Terry: [ chuckling with embarrassment ] Right?

Dina D’Angelo: Now — even if your single, Valentine’s Day is ALL about the sweets! So we have a renowned pastry chef here today. This guy is COOL, you guys! Please welcome… Damian Cryer!!

[ Damian Cryer appears onstage and begind to gyrate with Dina ]

Dina D’Angelo: Thank you for coming, Damien!!

Damian Cryer: It’s an absolute eternal pleg!

Dina D’Angelo: [ swooning ] Oh! You’re British — and much taller than I expected.

Damian Cryer: And you’re American, and you’re much lovelier than I expected. Oh — there’s something here on your face. What is it? [ he rubs around her face ] Oh, it’s my hand!

Dina D’Angelo: Oh! Okay! Uh — that just happened! Damian — let’s talk VJ desserts for one.

Damian Cryer: Certainly. Dina — what is THE most decadent, luxurious, and arousing food?

Dina D’Angelo: Oh! I don’t know!

Damian Cryer: Well, it’s, uh — it’s chocolate. Isn’t it? Could you taste, please?

[ he places a chocolate in her mouth, then lets her suck his finger back and forth ]

Dina D’Angelo: Mmm! Oh!

Damian Cryer: Good girl.

Dina D’Angelo: You just do whatever you want, don’t you?

Damian Cryer: Or whomever I want!

Dina D’Angelo: Oh! You’re funny! Terry, are you loving this guy!

[ DJ Terry stares angrily ]

DJ Terry: He’s great.

Damian Cryer: Okay! Now we’re going to make a mini chocolate love cake that’s positively sinful. Do you like sinful things, Dina?

Dina D’Angelo: Ah! [ she giggles ]

Damian Cryer: Is is sinful if I put your hand on my pectoral? [ he places he hand under his shirt ]

Dina D’Angelo: Oh!

Damian Cryer: Hmm? Is that a sin?

Dina D’Angelo: Oh! We’re having a BLAST on “Livin’ Single”! Huh? Give us a BEAT, Terry!

DJ Terry: [ fuming ] NO! I don’t want to give him the beat!

Dina D’Angelo: Terry — it’s your job!

[ DJ Terry relunctantly pushes a button, as Dina and Damian gyrate to the beat ]

Dina D’Angelo: This is our best episode YET!

Damian Cryer: Okay. Now, Dina — cripes, that was good! Now, cooking is all about chemistry.

Dina D’Angelo: Okay.

[ they stir the pot together ]

Damian Cryer: Now stir the cocoa like a good girl.

Dina D’Angelo: Okay…

Damian Cryer: Don’t be scared.

[ Damian begins to lick behind her ear as she pants breathlessly ]

Dina D’Angelo: Okay… Why are my hands shaking?

Damian Cryer: Because we’re making something, aren’t we?

DJ Terry: JUST SHOW US THE CAKE!!!

Damian Cryer: Right! Well, uh — we skipped a few steps, but here’s what the finished product will look like.

[ Damian reaches down and lifts a plate with a chocolate cake heart on it ]

Dina D’Angelo: Oh! You’re amazing!

Damian Cryer: Terry! I want that CD — will you play that CD that I gave you?

DJ Terry: You’re not my boss!!

Dina D’Angelo: Okay. Terry? It’s your job.

[ DJ Terry relunctantly pushes a button, as sexy saxophone music plays and Dina and Damian drop to the floor with a stick of butter ]

Dina D’Angelo: Oh! See you next time on “Livin’ Single”! And, remember — Just because you’re flying solo doesn’t mean you can’t — [ Damian pulls her under ] Okay, bye!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 15

10o: Russell Brand / Chris Brown

Don’ You Go Rounin’ Roun To Re Ro

Terry Donovan….Bill Hader
Parole Board Officer….Kristen Wiig
British Gangster….Fred Armisen
Rastaman….Russell Brand
Terry’s wife….Nasim Pedrad

[Opens with distinguished recognition from Film festivals]

[Official Selection Cannes Film Festival. Venice Film Festival. Berlin Film Festival]

Announcer: Terry Donovan spent 17 years in an English prison.

[Terry walks out the prison gate]

[Terry meets his Parole Officer]

Parole Officer: Do you feel that you’re rehabilitated, Mr. Donovan?

Terry Donovan: Yeah, right.

[Terry shares an elevator with a couple of Brit thugs. A bald British Gangster with a pitbull sits on a couch]

British Gangster: I’ve got a job for you, Terry.

Terry Donovan: No, don’t. I don’t do that kind of thing anymore.

[A gun is being loaded]

Announcer: But he’ll pick up a gun once again to defend the one thing he loves.

British Gangster: If you don’t do what we say…[holds a picture of a little girl] we’ll….sajawama jamawajmaja.

[Terry responds in anger with the same English incomprehensible pikey slang]

Terry Donovan: Naw! Hawaw! Bihaduran! Dina! Mate!

Announcer: The critics are raving: “British… Extremely British… I didn’t understand what they were saying”

[More gibberish between Terry and the British Gangster]

[Terry drives a car, intense look]

Announcer: From the producers of “Sexy Beast”, the “Red Riding trilogy” and “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels”.

[Terry chases and catches a Rasta looking thug. He roughs him up against a door]

Terry: [muttering British slang]

Rastaman: [even more complicated slang]

Announcer: And the director of “Easy Around the Bend” and “Go Rough, All right” comes the toughest, grittiest, most British crime drama of the year.

[Terry holds up a gun]

Terry Donovan: Don’ you go Rounin’ Roun to Re Ro. [fires the gun]

Announcer: Don’ you go Rounin’ Roun to Re Ro.

[Terry walks in slow motion]

USA Today says: “I thought they were speaking a foreign language. I don’t think I heard a single consonant.”

[Terry and his wife talk in the kitchen]

Terry’s wife: If we don’t pay, they’re going to kill her.

Terry Donovan: Darling, go say I told him to….[muttering more pikey slang]

Terry’s wife: But what if you’re wrong?

[Terry screams incoherently in slow motion, a gun fires, British Gangster punches a heavy punching bag, laughs]

Announcer: Time magazine says: “Is there a way to turn on subtitles for a movie in English? If so, which button is it?

[Rastaman talks on an intercom]

Rastaman: Hey! Oi! Hey! Oi! Hey! Oi! Ai!

[Rastaman is buzzed in]

[Rastaman plays cards in slow motion and British Gangster keeps punching the punching bag]

Announcer: Peter Travers says: “The one guy in a tracksuit, “Gypsy” or “Crispy” was good. Either way it seemed like a lot of killing over a very small amount of money.”

[Terry, Rastaman and the British Gangster point their guns at each other. They screamed and mutter pikey slang]

British Gangster: Oi! Oi! Oi![fires gun]

Announcer: Don’ you go Rounin’ Roun to Re Ro.

[Terry talks softly to his wife in unintelligible slang]

Terry’s wife: What?

[visit: www.donyougorouninrountorero.com]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 15

10o: Russell Brand / Chris Brown

Goodnights

…..Russell Brand

Russell Brand: Thank you very much to Chris Brown, everyone! Thank you! And I’d love to thank the wonderful cast and the incredible crew at “Saturday Night Live”! It’s an incredible institution! Thank you, Lorne Michaels! Thanks to all the crew! [ he holds up a bandaged finger ] I hurt meself! Look — I BLED for you! [ to Chris Brown ] No bad blood! [ Brown laughs ] Also, I’d like to thank Phil Hymes the lighting director for being a wonderful human being and demonstrating what it means to be a man! Thank you very much! Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 12th, 2011

Russell Brand

Chris Brown

None

None

None

The O’Reilly FactorSummary: Bill O’Reilly (Jason Sudeikis) presents Part 3 of his pre-Super Bowl interview with President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Bil O’Reilly, President Barack Obama.

Montage

Russell Brand’s MonologueSummary: Russell Brand rambles through a host of comedic topics.

Gublin & GreenSummary: Attorneys Gublin & Green collect settlements for people injured while working for or attending the “Spider-Man” musical.

Ultimate Vacation GiveawaySummary: Cheryl Bryant (Kristen Wiig) is more excited about the ultimate vacation giveaway than the actual winner (Russell Brand).

Recurring Characters: Cheryl Bryant.

Don’ You Go Rounin’ Roun To Re RoSummary: Trailer for a new British film features unintelligible dialogue.

Transcript

The King’s TasterSummary: King Reginald’s (Russell Brand) taster (Taran Killem) is relunctant to accept his duty after witnessing how the King goes out of his way to harass his chef (Bill Hader).

Transcript

Chris Brown performs “Yeah 3x”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Recently-resigned Egyptian president Hosni Mubarek (Fred Armisen) gives his version of events. Lil Wayne (Jay Pharoah) and Eminem (Taran Killem) debut their new Valentine’s Day single. Stefon (Bill Hader).

Recurring Characters: Hosni Mubarek, Eminem, Stefon.

Livin’ SingleSummary: Dina D’Angelo (Vanessa Bayer) professes to enjoy being single, yet is aroused ay amorous pastry chef (Russell Brand).

Transcript

A Spot of TeaSummary: Proper British old ladies (Russell Brand, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) attempt to enjoy their tea and talk despite a constant barrage of earthquakes.

Chris Brown performs “No Bullshit”

Time MachineSummary: To finalize party debate regarding the Founding Fathers, general (Jason Sudeikis) delivers George Washington (Russell Brand) via time travel, but he doesn’t adapt well to his modern surroundings and has to be killed.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The TalkSummary: Steven Tyler (Russell Brand) appears as a guest on the insipid knock-off of “The View”.

Recurring Characters: Sharon Osbourne, Whoopi Goldberg.

Fashion ShowSummary: IIn a cartoon by Fred Wolf, a male dog (David Spade) comments on lame party action.

The HypnotistSummary: A model’s death doesn’t stop the fashion show from going on.

“Sex” Ed Vincent’s Valentine’s Day Sex SymposiumSummary: Ed Vincent (Paul Brittain) hosts a three-day symposium on sex and Valentine’s Day.

Recurring Characters: “Sex” Ed Vincent.

The WizardSummary: A wizard (Russell Brand) creeps out his date (Nasim Pedrad) with dirty talk while flying her on his broom.

Greetings from American America: Dog in Purse IISummary: In a cartoon by Fred Wolf, a male dog (David Spade) comments on lame party action.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 14

10n: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

Wayne’s World

Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers
Gath Algar…..Dana Carvey

[ open on Cable 10 card ]

Announcer: You’re watching Cable 10, Aurora, Illinois cable access channel.

[ dissolve to “Wayne’s World” basement set ]

Wayne & Garth:
“Wayne’s World!
Wayne’s World!
Party Time!
Excellent!”

Wayne Campbell: PARRRRRRRRRTYYYYYYY!!! Alright!

Garth Algar: Yeah!

Wayne Campbell: Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth Algar: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne Campbell: Party on, Garth! Okay! So, Garth — what’s been going on?

Garth Algar: Well, as you may remember the last time you saw me, I got pubes!

Wayne Campbell: Good! Yeah! Good work, my friend!

Garth Algar: What’s been going on with you, Wayne?

Wayne Campbell: Well, last month, strangely enough, a monkey literally flew out of my butt!

Garth Algar: No way!

Wayne Campbell: Waaaay!

Garth Algar: No waaaay!

Wayne Campbell: WAY!!

Garth Algar: Alright!

Wayne Campbell: Okay! That was fun!

Garth Algar: Good!

Wayne Campbell: Alright!

Garth Algar: Love that way!

Wayne Campbell: It was good! Okay! It’s Oscar time, so now we bring you… our Oscar picks.

Together:
“It’s Wayne’s World!
Oscar Picks!
Party Time!
Excellent!”

Wayne Campbell: Alright!

Garth Algar: Alright!

Wayne Campbell: What a year in film it’s been.

Garth Algar: Really.

Wayne Campbell: Yeah. A veritible feast for the cinephile amongst us.

Garth Algar: Yes! And, best of all, this year there was a movie called… [ he holds up film poster ] “Winter’s Bone”!

[ Wayne and Garth laugh amongst themselves ]

Wayne Campbell: Seriously, people! We didn’t make it up! The film is called “Winter’s Bone”! Garth — Garth — have you seen it?

Garth Algar: Uh — no. My mom wouldn’t let me.

Wayne Campbell: Your mom? How old are you?

Garth Algar: [ in close-up ] It was never determined.

Wayne Campbell: Okay! Let’s go to our picks for Best Actor.

Garth Algar: I liked [ pronounced with the “J” ] Javiar Bardam.

Wayne Campbell: Actually, Garth — it’s pronounced Havier Bardam.

Garth Algar: Oh. Well, excuse me. I feel like a total… herk-off!

Wayne Campbell: Alright! Let’s go to Best Actress. Natalie Portman is SO hot… in “Black Swan”.

Garth Algar: Yeah. She’s so hot, I could make a Mila out of her Kunis!

Wayne Campbell: [ stunned ] Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Garth Algar: I don’t kiss my mom on the mouth!

Wayne Campbell: Really? Everyone else does!

Garth Algar: Hey! That’s my mom you’re talking about!

Wayne Campbell: I owned you! I’m sorry about that!

Garth Algar: Come on, it’s my mom! I only have one!

Wayne Campbell: I know! Okay, our Oscar pick for Best Actress goes to Jennifer Lawrence… from “Winter’s Bone”. And, why?

[ Wayne and Garth lean in for close-up with SUPER ]

Together: “Winter’s Bone”!

Wayne Campbell: This film has not yet been rated. Okay!

Garth Algar: Alright!

Wayne Campbell: Now, Best Supporting Actor. And the Oscar pick goes to… John Hocks.

Garth Algar: Oh, really? What movie is he in?

[ Wayne and Garth lean in for close-up with SUPER ]

Together: “Winter’s Bone”!

Wayne Campbell: This film has not yet been seen.

Garth Algar: Okay!

Wayne Campbell: Let’s talk about the Oscar hosts, okay? The Oscar host. James Franco… and Anne Hathaway.

Garth Algar: Yeah! Anne hath a way… of giving me a bone!

[ they snicker at the joke, then lean in for close-up with SUPER ]

Together: “Winter’s Bone”!

Wayne Campbell: This joke has been done three times. Okay!

Garth Algar: Alright!

Wayne Campbell: Now, Best Picture. There’s ten nominees. You know? So it’s a tough one this year.

Garth Algar: Let’s start with… “The Fighter”.

Wayne Campbell: I loved Marky Mark in this, especially with his shirt off. I thought he was super sexy.

Garth Algar: [ stunned ] What?!

Wayne Campbell: Sorry. That was an “inside thought.” Okay. Alright!

Garth Algar: Alright! Okay!

Wayne Campbell: Moving on! “The King’s Speech”. This is the film where Colin Firth and Helena Bonham Carter are a [ stuttering ] c-c-c-c-couple… and in the end they get together and they f-f-f-f-forgive each other!

Garth Algar: Yeah! In the BUTT!

[ they snicker at the joke ]

Wayne Campbell: That was well deconstructed! Well deconstructed!

Garth Algar: Yeah!

Wayne Campbell: Okay! “Toy Story 3”.

Garth Algar: I can’t believe a teenage boy doesn’t want to play with his Woody any more!

Wayne Campbell: Yeah. Not believable. Not believable. No. not really.

Garth Algar: Next: “127 Hours”.

Wayne Campbell: Well, that was some good, armless fun. Armless fun!

Garth Algar: Yeah! ‘Cause her arm, remember?

Wayne Campbell: Yeah!

Garth Algar: Alright, okay! “True Grit”. That’s where Jeff Bridges has an eyepatch.

Wayne Campbell: You know, I may be damning this with faint praise, but I think it was my favorite cycloptic performance of the year.

Garth Algar: Uh, techincally, just because he has an eyepatch… doesn’t mean he’s a cyclops.

Wayne Campbell: Oh. Well, thank you, Garth. Yeah, annerdsezwhat?

Garth Algar: What?

Wayne Campbell: A nerd… says what?

Garth Algar: What?

Wayne Campbell: Alango! [ he laughs ] Okay! Alright, next! “The Kids Are Alright”.

Garth Algar: A lot of steamy action in THAT movie! Annette Bening on Julianne Moore, Julianne Moore on Mark Ruffalo…

Wayne Campbell: Wait — she wasn’t on Colin Firth?

Garth Algar: No.

Wayne Campbell: Then, who’s on Firth?

Garth Algar: Naomi Watts.

Wayne Campbell: Watts on Firth?

Garth Algar: No.

Wayne Campbell: Then, who’s on Firth?

Garth Algar: That’s what I’m trying to tell you!

Together: And… scene!

Wayne Campbell: Okay!

Garth Algar: Okay!

Wayne Campbell: Alright!

Garth Algar: Alright!

Wayne Campbell: And our Oscar pick for Best Movie goes to… “The Social Network”.

Garth Algar: NOT!!

Wayne Campbell: Yeah.

Garth Algar: The Oscar pick goes to…

Together: “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 14

10n: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

Celebrity Teen Crisis Center

Alan Alda…..Bill Hader
Teen #1…..Kenan Thompson
Mickey Rooney…..Dana Carvey
Teen #2…..Paul Brittain
Ice-T…..Fred Armisen
Teen #3…..Nasim Pedrad.
Anna Faris…..Abby Elliott
Teen #4…..Taran Killam
Eddie Murphy…..Jay Pharaoh
Teen #5…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: This Spring: When teens are in trouble, celebs come in to rescue. VH-1’s “Celebrity Teen Crisis Center”. Real celebrities answering real teen calls.

[ dissolve to teen call center phone manned by Alan Alda ]

Alan Alda: Hey there, you’re on with Alan Alda! What’s your — what’s your problem, kid?

Teen #1: Yeah. Some dudes in my school want me to join a gang. I don’t know what to do!

Alan Alda: Gosh, you know — that — that — that is a pickle, you know? when they asked me join the casr of “M*A*S*H”, I didn’t know what to do. But I joined, and life’s been cream cheese since then, yeah!

Teen #1: [ absorbing this advice ] Okay. Well, I’ll join that gang, then! Hey, thanks for the advice, Alan Alda!

[ Alan Alda cocks his fingers happily ]

[ cut to Mickey Rooney manning another phone ]

Mickey Rooney: Uh? [ he reaches down to lift his leg, then notices the phone and picks up ] This is Mickey Rooney!

Teen #2: Who?

Mickey Rooney: I was the Number One star in the world! You hear me? BANG! [ he puffs slowly ] The world!

Teen #2: How does that help me get through high school?

Mickey Rooney: Ask me what Ava Gardner was like!

Teen #2: What — What was Ava Gardner like?

Mickey Rooney: You’ll never know! [ he drops the phone ]

[ cut to Ice T sitting coolly by a phone as it rings ]

Ice T: Looks like you on da phone with Ice T!

Teen #3: Hi. I’ve never done this before…

Ice T: You’ve never made a telephone call before?

Teen #3: No, I’ve never called one of these numbers. But, I went to a party last night, and I think someone put something in my drink.

Ice T: Like an OLIVE, or sumthing?

Teen #3: No! I think some guy had a roofie and dropped it in my cup.

Ice T: And now you want to RETURN it to him?

Teen #3: Come on! Didn’t you do an episode about roofies on “SVU”?

Ice T: Yeah! And Ice T was confused then, too. [ he turns to Anna Faris in the next chair ] Looks like I’m not gettin’ through to her, Anna Faris!

[ Anna Faris giggles as she answers a separate phone ]

Anna Faris: Hellooooooo!!

Teen #4: Hi. I — I just wish my dad wouldn’t drink so much?

Anna Faris: Wowwww! Drunk Dad! Euggghhhh!! Bum-merrrr!

Teen #4: Yeah.

Anna Faris: YEAH!!

Teen #4: ..Yeah. So, what’s your advice?

Anna Faris: I KNOW, right! Oooohhhhh!! [ she hangs up ]

[ cut to Eddie Murphy manning another phone ]

Eddie Murphy: Yeah, come on, now — tell Eddie Murphy your problem!

Teen #5: Um — I just found out I’m pregnant!

Eddie Murphy: [ stunned ] How old are you?!

Teen #5: Fifteen.

Eddie Murphy: You fifteen? More like you about to be a SIZE FIFTEEN!! [ he yuks it up ] That is HILARIOUS! So funny!

Teen #5: Please! This is serious!

Eddie Murphy: That’s crazy, man! Your ass is gonna be the ONLY girl at spring Break with STRETCH MARKS!! [ he laughs loudly ]

Teen #5: Come on, Eddie Murphy!

Eddie Murphy: Hey, look, I was just kidding! Hey, look, you not even gonna get to GO to Spring Break! Your ass is gonna be HOME with your baby watching “Yo Gabba BABA!” [ squinting ] Or “Yo Gabba… Yo Gabba Gabba”. WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS!! [ he yuks it up ] That is so CRAZY!!

[ cut to promo slide ]

Announcer: “Celebrity Teen Crisis Center”. It may be horrible advice, but it’s free.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 14

10n: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

Live with Regis and Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Dana Carvey
Kelly Ripa…..Nasim Pedrad
Gelman…..Taran Killam
Kathie Lee Gifford…..Kristen Wiig

[ opening montage ]

Announcer: It’s “Live! With Regis and Kelly!” Please welcome your hosts — Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa!

[ dissolve to set as Regis and Kelly step forward ]

Regis Philbin: Hi, everybody! How are you? It’s February 4th, welcome to the show. How are you doing?

Kelly Ripa: Are you excited for the Super Bowl?

Regis Philbin: Oh, I — [ the audience cheers ] Yeah! We’re all very excited. I’m excited for the game! But who is this halftime band? You know, the Black Eyed Peas? That’s not entertainment, that’s a SIDE DISH!!

Kelly Ripa: Reese, I’m gonna miss you when you leave.

Regis Philbin: I’m not gone yet, Pipa, I got a newsflash for ya’, okay?

Kelly Ripa: Yeah, I know. But have you been reading the newspapers? Everyone is wondering who’s gonna replace you!

Regis Philbin: I know, I know… And it’s not just ME leaving, Pipa. Understand? Our producer, Gelman, is over there and he’s retiring!

Gelman: I’m not leaving, Regis.

Regis Philbin: Yes, you ARE!! Wherever I go, YOU go — so I can keep you within SWATTING distance!

Gelman: [ whining ] I like it here!

Regis Philbin: Gelman, you don’t have a choice. You know, the pharaohs used to be buried with their SLAVES! You understand?

Gelman: [ miffed ] I’m not your slave, Regis.

Regis Philbin: That’s what they ALL say!!

Kelly Ripa: Well — I thought it would be fun to go through some of the people they’re talking about to fill your shoes.

Regis Philbin: Okay, here we go…

Kelly Ripa: One of the names being kicked around is… [ holds up photo ] Anderson Cooper!

Regis Philbin: Anderson Cooper? Didn’t he just get socked in the kisser by some crazy Egyptian? He’s not TOUGH enough! Forget it! Get that picture out of my sight!

Kelly Ripa: If he can handle Egypt, Reege, he can handle this show!

Regis Philbin: Those Egyptians have nothing on the women who wait outside the studio — at least the Egyptians want DEMOCRACY!! These women want to get in my TROUSERS!! I’m telling you, it’s crazy!

Kelly Ripa: Next up: Some people are saying Howie Mandel might be a good co-host!

Regis Philbin: Good luck with that — he’s a SEAL with a SOUL PATCH! Look at that! That’s not gonna work at 9 a.m. And the GERM thing! The man doesn’t SHAKE HANDS!! What’s he gonna do when he meets Carol Channing? Give her a FIST BUMP?! It’s not gonna work, I’ll tell you that…

Kelly Ripa: Well, you know, maybe it’s about chemistry, Reege. HEY! [ she holds up photo ] Maybe my hubbie Mark will do it!

Regis Philbin: Mark Consuelo? Mark Consuelo, are you serious? If he takes this job, you know what I’m gonna get him as a welcome gift? DIVORCE papers! Because you two are not gonna last a WEEK! I love you, Pipa, but the only reason I don’t wring your neck is because, we part ways, the show is OVER!!

Kelly Ripa: Stop it, Reege! You know, I don’t think you want to retire!

Regis Philbin: Of course I want to retire! I’ve got big plans! Once I leave this show, it’s gonna be HUGE! I’m starting my own network — OPRAH style!

Kelly Ripa: Oh yeah, what are you gonna call it?

Regis Philbin: What am I — she says what am I gonna call it? You hear that, Gelman? What am I gonna call it? I’m calling it REGIS! This channel’s gonna have everything! TD Bank commercials, Joey Bishop reruns, and a reality show called “So You Think You Can Shout!!” It’s gonna be TERRIFIC!!

[ Kathie Lee Gifford quietly appears in the background and begins to swivel her hips unnoticed by Regis and Kelly ]

Kelly Ripa: Regis, I want you to know I am going to treasure… every day I have left with you — [ she turns around ] Oh, no. Kathie Lee is here.

[ Kathie Lee steps around with her microphone ]

Regis Philbin: What? Kathie Lee, what are you DOING here?!

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh, Regis… When I heard today was your last show, I had to come on and say Goodbye.

Kelly Ripa: Today is NOT his last show!

Regis Philbin: It’s not my last show…

Kathie Lee Gifford: What is that? Is that a bird chirping? Chirp, chirp. chirp. chirp! [ she laughs, then sings: ] “Someone call a hunter and shoot that irritating bird!”

Regis Philbin: No. What are you doing?

Kathie Lee Gifford: You know, I’m going to sing to you, Regis.

Regis Philbin: You’re gonna sing?

Kathie Lee Gifford: I’m just going to wet my pipes.

Regis Philbin: Kathie, we’re trying to do the show…

Kathie Lee Gifford: I know.

Regis Philbin: Good.

[ Kathie Lee sips from a show mug, then frowns ]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Eww! Gelman, what IS that?!

Regis Philbin: Water.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh. Then, what’s the point of mugs? [ she unscrews her microphone and pours spirits out as she sings: ] “Char-don-nayyyyyy! White wine in the morning time!” [ she drinks ]

Regis Philbin: She’s out of control — just REALLY out of control!

Kathie Lee Gifford: There! There! Maestro!

Regis Philbin: Here we are…

[ Kathie Lee begins to sing for herself ]

Gelman: [ holding our a cell phone ] Kathie Lee… Hoda’s looking for you.

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ waving him off ] Tell her I was in a car accident.

Regis Philbin: Gelman, let’s get out of here — let’s go! I can’t take this any more.

Gelman: I want to STAY!

Regis Philbin: Gelman, I will beat you within an INCH of your life! Let’s go! [ he grabs Gelman’s shoulder ]

Gelman: YOU’RE HURTING ME!!

Regis Philbin: I’m TELLING you, I’ll put you away!

[ Regis drags Gelman off stage ]

Kelly Ripa: I’ll miss you, Reege!

Kathie Lee Gifford: No one knows who you are!

[ Kathie Lee makes a point of inching closer to the camera and standing in front of Ripa as she sings and makes facial gestures at the camera ]

[ cut to show graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 14

10n: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

Dana Carvey’s Monologue

…..Dana Carvey
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Bill Hader
…..Andy Samberg
…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Dana Carvey!

Dana Carvey: Thank you! Thank you! Of all the live comedy shows going on in New York right now, THIS is the best freakin’ audience right now! [ the audience cheers wildly ] It’s great to be “home” at “Saturday Night Live”. It’s kind of emotional, I’ve got my two teenaged sons here tonight in the audience, and, uh — [ the audience applauds ] I know where they are, because it’s the first time they’ve seen me on “Saturday Night Live”, and I’m sure, after the show, I’m gonna be a normal comedian and all needy, like, “Hey! What did you guys think?” And my son will be all, like, [ angsty teen voice ] “Uhhh — it was fine, Dad. Okay? Just fine. Can we go now?” And I’ll be, like, “Thank you!”

My first episode of this show was October 11th, 1986, with host Sigourney Weaver. I think we have a photo?

[ promotional photo of Sigourney Weaver a gorilla from “Gorillas in the Mist” appears ]

Yeah, look at that! There’s me with Sigourney! I know, I’ve changed. But, man, I looked young, didn’t I? Wow!

You know, uh — after I left “SNL” in 1993, people would come up to me and say, “Dana, the show’s not as good without you!” Or, “Dana, I liked it better when you were there!” You know? And, honestly, people always pick one cast in “SNL” history, and then they’ll say THAT was the best cast. But that’s just not true. The show has always had great people, and no cast is better than any other cast — except for MY cast. Um — It’s just undeniable! ’86 to ’93 was the best! I mean, let me put it to you this way:

[ singing ]
“I have often stood
on this stage before.
But the air is not
as joyful as before.
It’s no won-der I sim-ply can’t de-ny!
’86 to ’93… was the be-e-e-e-est!”

[ Kristen Wiig enters ]

Kristen Wiig: Hi, Dana!

Dana Carvey: Heeeeyyyy!! [ the audience cheers wildly ] Karen Wong, everybody! Terrific! Hi, Karen.

Kristen Wiig: [ miffed ] Hi. You know, Dana, you’re so right — your cast was awesome.

Dana Carvey: Well… I didn’t say “awesome”. I just said “BEST EVER!” I mean, we had Phil Hartman, we had Mike Myers, Jan Hooks — it was incredible, you gotta admit!

[ singing ] “I mean, ’86 to ’93… was the be-e-e-e-est!”

[ Bill Hader enters ]

Bill Hader: Hey, Dana! Hey, Karen.

[ the audience cheers ]

Dana Carvey: Oh, hey! Hey!

Bill Hader: You’re right — that group was an AMAZING emsemble!

Dana Carvey: Oh, thank you, Rainn Wilson! And, if I may be so bold, out of that cast I was probably the best cast member. [ he snickers ] Maybe I shouldn’t say it.

Kristen Wiig: Wow, okay… So that means you’re the best person to ever be on the show?

Dana Carvey: [ thinking ] Does it? I-I don’t know. I’ve never been good at Math!

[ Bill and Kristen exit ]

Dana Carvey: [ singing ]
“I did Ross Perot!
(“Can I finish one time?! Can I finish one time?!”)
I chopped brocco-locco-liiii!
I did Ching Change
but that’s racist now.
Prob-ab-lyyyyy!
I did Garth and Hans
It was a renaissance
’86 to ’93… was the be-e-e-e-e-est!”

You know how many times I said “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night”? No exaggeration — 700,000 times! We didn’t even have “Applause” lights back then — we had “Calm Down!” lights. And they flashed throughout the show, because we were going crazy, you know what I mean?

[ Andy Samberg enters ]

Andy Samberg: Wait a second, Dana! [ the audience cheers ] Hey, how do we know you’re telling the truth about your cast being the BEST ever? Maybe you’re just making it up!

[ Jon Lovitz saunters in ]

Jon Lovitz: Step aside, dear boy!

[ Andy runs off stage, as the audience goes nuts ]

[ Lovitz enjoys his recognitions, as Carvey playfully wraps his arms around him and fondles his man-breasts ]

Dana Carvey: I know! I didn’t know why I just did that, but anyway! [ in Regis Philbin voice ] We’re outta CONTROL!! Jon Lovitz! From Los Angeles, California! What are YOU doing here!

Jon Lovitz: I won’t sit back idly and watch our cast be SLANDERED by that RUFFIAN! We were the greatest players to ever grace this stage! You know why?

Dana Carvey: Why?

Jon Lovitz: [ he raises his arm triumphantly ] ACTING!! Thank you!

Dana Carvey: Thank you!

Jon Lovitz: And now, Dana, let us sing our praises!

Dana Carvey: Yes, dear Jon, yes!

Jon Lovitz: [ snapping his fingers ] 1… SING!

Together: [ singing ]
“We watched them all
try to prove us wrong.
Every sketch is great
plus it would take too looooong!
Take our word for it
that every mo-ment hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt!”

[ Carvey blows a raspberry ]

“’86 to ’93… wa-a-a-a-a-sss… the… be-e-e-e-e-e-est!!”

Jon Lovitz: Thank you!

Dana Carvey: Thank you! Now that I think about it… I may have had one or two things that didn’t play.

Jon Lovitz: [ he scoffs ] Speak for yourself, my little pixie! [ he mimes smoking ] Goodbye, everybody! Goodbye!

Dana Carvey: Wow! That could be a new catchphrase!

Jon Lovitz: Yes!

Dana Carvey: We’ve got a great show! Linkin Park is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ Lovitz holds up rabbit ears behind Carvey’s head ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 14

10n: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

Goodnights

…..Dana Carvey

Dana Carvey: Alright! These are my two boys — Tom and Dex! Thanks to Linkin Park, Justin Bieber, Jon Lovitz, MIKE MYERS! The BEST! CAST! EVER!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:


February 5th, 2011

Dana Carvey

Linkin Park

None

Mike Myers

Jon Lovitz

Justin Bieber

Jesse Eisenberg

None

Wayne’s WorldSummary: Wayne (Mike Myers) and Garth (Dana Carvey) make their Oscar picks and laugh about “The Winter’s Bone”.

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

Transcript

Montage

Dana Carvey’s MonologueSummary: Dana Carvey sings about how the 1986-93 cast he was a part of was the best cast in SNL’s history.

Transcript

I-Sleep ProSummary: Business traveler (Kenan Thompson) is unable to fall asleep unless he can drift off to the sounds of familiar “black noise”.

Note: Repeat from 10b.

Church ChatSummary: The Church Lady (Dana Carvey) mocks the Kardashian sisters (Nasim Pedrad, Vanessa Bayer, Abby Elliott), arranges an ill-fated exorcism upon Snooki (Bobby Moynihan), and fawns over Justin Bieber.

Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Kim Kardashian, Snooki.

Celebrity Teen Crisis CenterSummary: Oblivious celebrities man the phones at a teen crisis center.

Recurring Characters: Alan Alda, Mickey Rooney, Anna Faris, Eddie Murphy.

Transcript

The RoommateSummary: In a theatrical film trailer, Justin Bieber discovers his news college roommate (Andy Samberg) harbors an insane obsession for him.

Linkin Park performs “Waiting for the End”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers outlines the “Winners/Losers” in Egypt this week. James Franco (Paul Brittain) has many jobs. Meteorologist/former disco queen Angela Dixon (Kristen Wiig) attempts to deliver a winter weather update.

Live with Regis and KellySummary: The announcement of Regis Philbin’s (Dana Carvey) retirement causes Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig) to upstage his final moments with a song.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa, Kathie Lee Gifford.

Transcript

Little Miss Little Girl PageantSummary: Foppish co-hosts (Kenan Thompson, Dana Carvey) preside over a pageant for preschool-aged little girls.

Deidra Wurtz: Downsizing ExpertSummary: Downsizing expert Deidra Wurtz (Abby Elliott) will deliver bad news with ease and Valley girl vernacular.

Linkin Park performs “When They Come For Me”

FingerlingsSummary: Bar owner (Taran Killam) pulls no stops for the ultimate Super Bowl party, including performances by his wife’s brother’s band (Dana Carvey, Fred Armisen).

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Al Jazeera on EgyptSummary: As his interpretor (Nasim Pedrad) translates, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak (Fred Armisen) discusses the growing calamanities in his country.

Recurring Characters: Hosni Mubarak.

The VisitorSummary: President Obama and Joe Biden try to steal guns from a couple (Dana Carvey, Vanessa Bayer).

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joe Biden.

The KasemsSummary: Casey Kasem (Dana Carvey) discusses the pop charts with his former druggie brother Jasey.

Recurring Characters: Casey Kasem.

SNL Transcripts