SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Miley Cyrus’ Monologue

…..Miley Cyrus
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — Miley Cyrus!

Miley Cyrus: Thank you! Thank you, guys! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. The cast is amazing! Tonight, we have guests… and a show… and I’m ready to go. So… I guess that’s pretty cool!

You know, I did a show for a long time, called “Hannah Montana”. You know, it explored TWO sides of the same girl — normal by day, rock star by night. It’s like the Disney Channel’s version of “Black Swan”. I’ve been in the public eye for almost half my life, and I’m mostly a White Swan kind of girl, but… there have been a few Black Swan moments. You know, I’ve never been arrested or anything. My scandals are more like… Miley and some girl were chewing on the same Twizzler, someone took a photo, and now it’s all over the Internet. And, you know, that may upset some people, and… for that, I’m truly sorry. Let me put it this way:

[ singing ]
“There’s a photo of me being kissed by a dude
And Annie Leibovitz tried to get me nude
For those of you who think that’s very crude
I’m sorry that I’m not perfect!

I never stole a necklace or got a D.U.I.
Never cheated on my wife like that golfer guy
So what, you can see a little boob from the side?
I’m sorry that I’m not perfect!

And sure, I danced on a pole and people called it sinning
But at least I didn’t date a porn star and tell everyone I’m “winning”.”

[ Bobby Moynihan and Kristen Wiig appear as back-up singers ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ] “Didn’t make a dirty tape and pass it along.”

Bobby Moynihan: [ singing ] “Didn’t text a photo of your dong.”

Miley Cyrus: [ singing ] “Don’t both of these things seem worse than a bo-o-o-o-o-o-ong?”

[ she waits for the audience to applaud ]

“I’m sorry!”

Bobby & Kristen: She’s sorry!

Miley Cyrus: [ singing ] So sorry!

Bobby & Kristen: So sorry!

Miley Cyrus: [ singing ] Really sorry… that I’m… not… perfe-e-e-e-e-e-ect!

[ the audience cheers ]

Miley Cyrus: Thank you! We’ve got a great ahow for you guys tonight! The Strokes are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

The Miley Cyrus Show

Miley Cyrus…..Vanessa Bayer
Billy Ray Cyrus…..Jason Sudeikis
Justin Bieber…..Miley Cyrus
Swagger Coach…..Taran Killam

(opens with big banner saying “The Miley Cyrus Show”)

Miley Cyrus: (singing) “I got guests and a show. And I’m ready to go! So I guess that’s pretty cool! It’s pretty cool!”

Miley Cyrus: (speaks) Shello! It’s Miley, yall! So this is like my show where I like talk to people that are pretty cool and we’ll like talk about things that I think are pretty cool and yeah! It’s pretty cool! We’ve got the Miley Cyrus Band over here. We got my dad, Billy Ray Cyrus!

Billy Ray Cyrus: You are so special baby girl!

Miley Cyrus: Thanks dad. Ok so today for my comedy monologue I thought I’d do one of my famous celebrity impressions. So I’m going to do an impression and see if you can guess who it is. (impersonating Charlie Sheen) Hey, so I’m like the star of Two and a half men and I’m completely crazy and I’ve done a bunch of interviews lately and stuff like that and I’m Charlie Sheen, yall! Ok, so that was me doing an impression of Charlie Sheen. I thought it was pretty funny.

Billy Ray Cyrus: Ho, ho, ho, ho! I love your impressions baby, you’re like a pretty little Darrell Hammond!

Miley Cyrus: Shwatever dad! So, my guest tonight is a lot like me by whih I mean pretty cool. Please welcome, you guessed it, Justin Bieber! Hey Justin!

Justin Bieber: Hey Miley! It’s a cool show!

Miley Cyrus: Really?!

Justin Bieber: Yeah, we’ll see.

Miley Cyrus: Okay, so, Justin, what have you been up to lately?

Justin Bieber: You know I’m just chillin’ right now. Wink, cocky head, points.

Miley Cyrus: Wow! Justin Bieber, where do you get all of those cool moves?

Justin Bieber: You know, I brought my Swagger coach. (reveal his couch offstage) Thanks B-Bop!

Miley Cyrus: That’s pretty cool! Wait a minute! Justin Bieber, did you cut your hair?

Justin Bieber: Yeah ya know, it’s just an image change. I also do the middle finger now.

Miley Cyrus: So you’re growing upm like me doing Salvia! Did you know I smoked Salvia?

Justin Bieber: You know there’s no reason why you wouldn’t, because it’s totally legal, yo!

Miley Cyrus: Now Justin, I knew you were gonna be a big star ever since we met it 2006. We actually have a picture from that day. Can we show it? (show picture of teenaged Miley holding a baby Bieber) So that’s pretty cool! So, how do you like the show so far, Justin?

Justin Bieber: It’s okay.

Miley Cyrus: Would you say it’s pretty cool?

Justin Bieber: No, actually, I wouldn’t say that.

(Miley stares down Bieber)

Billy Ray Cyrus: Woo-hoo! It’s a Mexcan stand-off, if the Mexicans were tiny, talented geniuses!

Justin Bieber: MR. CYRUS!!!!!!!!!!

Miley Cyrus: DAD!!!!!!! So, Justin Bieber, there is something I’ve always wanted to ask you. Like, what is your favorite album? And what is Canada like? And do you speak Canadian? And does Usher have to seek people at his own concerts because he’s an usher? And do you really never say never? And have you gone through puberty?

Justin Bieber: All I have to say to that is wink, chin.

Miley Cyrus: Now Justin, you recently released a 3-D movie about you’re life called “Never Say Never.” Which is really cool, cause, I just made my own 3-D movie about my life and how I got started and let’s see a clip!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Is she awake? Hey Miley! How’s my little angel baby?

Miley Cyrus: O-my-god! This is like so insightful cause I’m a baby but I’m already super talented and stuff like that and this is like super cool home video footage and this is all so goo goo gag a! In 3-D!

Miley Cyrus: So that’s the clip what did you think?

Justin Bieber: I thought it was pretty cool! I mean ugh ugh it was cool!

Miley Cyrus: Well that’s our show everybody! C-mon Justin! Hit it dad!

Miley Cyrus & Justin Bieber: (singing) “I got guests! And a show! And I’m ready to go! So, I guess that’s pretty cool! It’s pretty cool!”

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Goodnights

…..Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus: Thank you guys so much for such a FUN Saturday night! I want to thank The Strokes! [ the audience applauds ] Well, they’re amazing to me. ave a good night, everyone. I want to thank “SNL” for having me here, it was a great time! Love you all at home!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

The Disney Channel Acting School

…..Miley Cyrus
Raven Symone…..Kenan Thompson
Kid #1…..Paul Brittain
Kid #2…..Taran Killam
Kid #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Kid #4…..Abby Elliott

Miley Cyrus: Hi there! I’m Miley Cyrus from “Hannah Montana!”

Raven Symone: And from “That’s So Raven,” I’m so Raven-Symone!

Miley Cyrus: And if you’re a teen actor looking to improve your craft, look no further. It’s the “Disney Channel Acting School.”

Raven Symone: At the “Disney Channel Acting School,” we’ll teach you all the skills you need to be the star of your very own Disney Channel show.

Miley Cyrus: Disney Channel Acting is its own art form. And to master it, you’ll need to master a special set of tools.

(Both strike a pose)

Miley Cyrus: On Disney Channel every person needs to be the loudest person in the room. Watch…. What’s wrong, Jamantha?

Raven Symone: If I don’t get an A on my science project, I can’t go boogey boardin’ with Devan!

Miley Cyrus: Well, then you should talk Thomas into trading projects with you.

Raven Symone: GOOD IDEA!!!!!!!!!

Raven Symone: In the Disney Channel World, every child is smarter than every adult.

Kid #1: Hey sweetie you wanna see my stamp collection?

Raven Symone: O gee! Can I?! I bet there super cool.

Miley Cyrus: Sweet Niblets! You’ll also learn advanced techniques like, “The Pause then Dis.”

Raven Symone: So you have to pause then destroy the person, for example ask me if I like anchovies.

Kid #2: Do you like anchovies –

Raven Symone: Ehh… (10 second pause)… I don’t think so!

Miley Cyrus: Plus, we’ll show you how to master classic Disney Channel moves like… “Eating then Freezing.” “Reacting to Stinky Feet.”

Raven Symone: Ewww! OOOOOO! Ewwww!!!!!

Miley Cyrus: “Spying in a Doorway.” And “Entering on a Scooter!”

Kid #3: Did you hear Cody’s great grandma died!

Raven Symone: The funeral is Monday!

Miley Cyrus: Disney Channel is all about senserly overload. So you wanna make sure your cloths are as loud and crazy as you acting.

Kid #2: I’m auditioning for “Wizards of Waverly Place,” what should I where?

Raven Symone: How about a bright pink hoodie with a big ass daisy on it.

Kid #4: It’s a little bright.

Raven Symone: What did you say?

Miley Cyrus: Let me show you this blouse I whore on episode 75.

Raven Symone: Glasses on!

Kid #3: That’s so Raven!

Raven Symone: Shut up!

Miley Cyrus: So come on down to the Disney Channel Acting School! Call today! Parents permission, not needed!

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Cruise Ship

Ginger Rangers…..Miley Cyrus
Cat Lady…..Kristen Wiig
Male Passenger #1…..Kenan Thompson
Female Passenger #1…..Abby Elliott
Male Passenger #2…..Taran Killam
Barb…..Vanessa Bayer
Pat…..Bobby Moynihan
Charles…..Paul Brittain

Ginger Rangers: Thank you! Hello everyone! I hope you’re enjoying your cruise above the S.S. Canada Star. My name is Ginger Rangers and there’s no place I’d rather be performing other than for all of you. Except maybe on Broadway, or maybe a recording artist. But this is where I am and I’m loving it! Let’s see who’s in the audience. Look at your jeweled sweatshirt.

Cat Lady: I jeweled it myself.

Ginger Rangers: Show us what it says.

Cat Lady: Uh… Well -– well it says “Cat Parking 24-7” because I like to have a cat parked right here right below my bra bottom.

Ginger Rangers: Amazing!
(singing)
“You people are gross to me.
So very, very gross to me!
When I look out, what do I see?
All a bunch grossy McGrossies! Gross!”

(she moves on to the couple at thr next table)

Ginger Rangers: Hey you two, little love birds. You guys an item?

Male Passenger #1: Uhh, kind of we met Eharmony after three years of being in their database.

Female Passenger #1: We love each other and he loves my one son.

Male Passenger #1: She has two boys.

Ginger Rangers: That’s so sweet.
(singing)
“You people are gross to me!
So very, very gross to me!
How could I possibly be singing for people so gross!
Gross!”

Male Passenger #2: Hey!!!

Ginger Rangers: Hey!!! You’re almost handsome!

Male Passenger #2: Hey!!!

Ginger Rangers: Hey!!! Back!!! Halfway handsome!

Male Passenger #2: Are you singing about us, ’cause I feel like you are.

Ginger Rangers: What if I was singing about everyone but you? What if that’s what I was doing? Wouldn’t that be mean?
(singing)
“Could’ve been singing on Broadway
I had several chances or two.
Now I’m singing for the grossest people on Earth.
All of their fingers smell like shrimp.
All of your fingers smell like shrimp!
GROSS!!!!!!!!!”

Male Passenger #1: Hey! Can you stop saying that we’re gross. We’re on vacation.

Ginger Rangers: I’m sorry. Are there any requests? (to Barb) Do you have any requests?

Barb: I love “My Heart Will Go On” by Titanic.

Ginger Rangers: Charles, what do you think?

Charles: (laughing) I’m not taking any requests from these animals.

Ginger Rangers: (singing)
“Why is everyone so gross to me?
Barb and Pat and the cat lady.
Plus the couple from Eharmony!
Why is everyone so gross?!”

Ginger Rangers: (to Male Passenger #2) C’mon! C’mon! Cm’on! Try it! You’re on vacation. You’re on a cruise, c’mon! C’mon! C’mon! Say it! (singing) “So gross!!!!!!!!” (speaking) C’mon! Try it!

Male Passenger #2: I’m not saying I’m gross!

Ginger Rangers: Just say it! (singing) “I’m gross!!!!”

Male Passenger #2: (singing) “I’m gross!!!!!!!!!!!”

Ginger Rangers: Give yourself a hand. Well, that’s my time. I hope I didn’t offend anybody. You’ve been a great audience.

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Rock-A-Billy Lady Party Moisturizing Facial Cream

Jamilla Rose la Perkins…..Miley CyrusLynn Doot….. Kristen Wiig

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Hello! my name is Jamilla Rose la Perkins.

Lynn Doot: And I’m Lynn Doot and we know what you’re thinking.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Wow! Those ladies have flawless, milky skin.

Lynn Doot: And they also look like they could rock out and jam to rock music that they make themselves.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: That’s why were so excited to introduce our revolutionary new facial cream.

Lynn Doot: And our revolutionary Rock-A-Billy CD.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: You’re going to love them both.

Lynn Doot: Why? Because there not sold separately.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Why?

Lynn Doot: Because there not ok? This cream locks in moisture and fights fine lines.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: And this instrumental rock-a-bility music really rocks the jam.

Lynn Doot: What are they talking about?

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: This.

Lynn Doot: This.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Sounds great.

Lynn Doot: Absorbs. You’ll see results in just 2 weeks from the music.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: You’ll see results in 5 to 6 weeks from the cream.

Lynn Doot: But know that each container only has 4 weeks of cream.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Oh know you better buy 2 creams.

Lynn Doot: But the good news is you’ll get another CD with the second cream. 2 creams so you won’t run out. And 2 CDs one for you and one for your car. And even one for your friend.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: But if your friends likes the CD she’s eventually going to ask you about the cream that comes with it. And just know that with that cream you’re gonna get another CD or more.

Lynn Doot: So remember every time you get a cream there will be at least 1 CD as well.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Now, if you call right away and order 3 creams we’re gonna throw in a free CD.

Lynn Doot: You’ll be getting 3 creams and 4 CDs.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: How ever once you open the cream you can not return the CD.

Lynn Doot: But if you open the CD you can return un-open creams. And you’ll get a free CD.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: So basically you’re always going to be out creamed by your CDs.

Lynn Doot: Meaning you’ll always have more CDs than cream.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: They get it. So pick up your phone and ask for a cream by name. It’s called Rock-A-Billy Lady Party.

Lynn Doot: And the CD is called Moisturizing Facial Cream.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Did we mean to do that?

Lynn Doot: Maybe or maybe there was a mistake in the printers.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Maybe someone warned someone not to use that printer.

Lynn Doot: Maybe someone should’ve checked.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Maybe someone would have but they were to busy watching there friends 2 year old all the time.

Lynn Doot: You love Beth.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Yes I do, but she’s a lot.

Lynn Doot: So call now

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: One operator is standing by.

Lynn Doot: And get ready to look good and rock out cause you kind of have to.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Meaning there not sold separately.

Lynn Doot: They get Jamilla Rose!

Announcer: Cream and CD sold separately.

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

CBS Gurney Month

Announcer: TV’s top shows are on CBS! We’re on a roll — rolling away dead bodies, that is! Right, now, we’ve got MORE programs that begin with a body bag than ANY other network!

Shows like: “Criminal Minds” —

“The Medium” —

“The Mentalist”

“Flashpoint” —

“Hawaii Five-O” —

TWO “NCIS” —

and THREE “CSI”s!

And we’re about to take it up a notch! All of March is Gurney Month on CBS! We’ve got gurneys 24/7!

We’ve got one show that WASN’T about gurneys. That’s gone! “Two and a Half Men”? More like “Two and a Half Dead Bodies”!

And we keep finding WEIRDER way to kill people! Self-asphyxiation! Rooftop impaling! That dude’s in a toilet!

[ show clip of Catherine Willows on “CSI: CRime Scene Investigation” ]

Catherine Willows: You take a car traveling highway speed and hit someone just right… she could fly the length of a football field.

[ show computer graphic ]

Announcer: TOUCHDOWN!!

This month, there’s a party in the morgue! [ during an autopsy, matter is pulled from a woman’s brain ] Yikes! What’s that?! Ever have SO much fun, you feel SICK?

[ show clip of Lt. Horatio Caine on “CSI: Miami” ]

Lt. Horatio Caine: A dead body… can have that effect on you.

Announcer: We’ve got corpses! We’ve got bodies! We’ve got Meredith Baxter-Birney. Where? On a gurney!

So tag it, bag it, put it on wheels! March is Gurney Month on CBS!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Beastly

Declan/Good Looking Guy…..Andy Samberg
Friend…..Paul Brittain
Witch…..Nasim Pedrad
…..Miley Cyrus

Good Looking Guy: Should you vote for me just because I because I’m the rich, popular, good looking guy? Hell yeah! In this school looks are everything! What’s the deal with the witch?

Friend: Stay clear, man. She’s into some dark stuff.

Good Looking Guy: I love my good looks!

Witch: Well, I curse you to a life without them! You have one year to find someone to love you. Or stay like this forever!

Declan: Oh no! I’m beastly! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Miley Cyrus: Let me see your face.

Declan: Pretty gruesome, huh?

Miley Cyrus: I’ve seen worse.

Declan: Really?!

Miley Cyrus: No dude you look like ****. I misjudged you, Declan. It’s whats on the inside that counts- Ughh dude!

Declan: (naked, eating fried chicken from a bucket) What? What’s up?

Miley Cyrus: Are you serious?!

Declan: I think I sat on some mashed potatoes!

(image of Miley Cyrus, with cast credit: “Miley Cyrus”)

(image of Declan, with cast credit: “Gene Hackman”)

Announcer: Beastly.

Declan: (holding up pregnancy stick) I’m pregnant and it’s yours.

Miley Cyrus: You’re a man and we haven’t slept together.

Declan: Burn! Rango!

Miley Cyrus: Beastly!

Declan: Beastly!

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16


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Amazon.com Widgets

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 5th, 2011

Miley Cyrus

The Strokes

None

None

None

Duh! Winning! With Charlie SheenSummary: Charlie Sheen (Bill Hader) hosts a talk show that allows him to interview other delusional celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Charlie Sheen, Christian Aguilera, Muammer Kaddaffi, Lindsay Lohan.

Transcript

Montage

Miley Cyrus’s MonologueSummary: In the midst of low-key scandals, Miley Cyrus apologizes by singing “I’m Sorry But I’m Not Perfect”.

Transcript

Baby SpanxSummary: he slimming bodystocking that lets fat babies be the envy of their parents’ friends.

Note: Repeat from: 10d

Our Time! With taboo and apl.de.ap!Summary: Black Eyed Peas also-rans taboo (Andy Samberg) and apl.de.ap (Kenan Thompson) try to gain recognition by hosting their own music talk show.

Recurring Characters: Black Eyed Peas, Khloe Kardashian.

Transcript

The Essentials with Robert OsborneSummary: TCM host Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) presents deleted scenes from “The Sound of Music” featuring the routines of Hispanic comedian Richie Inez Jr. (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Robert Osborne.

Transcript

The Disney Channel Acting SchoolSummary: Miley Cyrus and Raven-Symone (Kenan Thompson) demonstrate the poor techniques used for acting in Disney teen comedy sitcoms.

Transcript

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) has a pretty cool time doing a Charlie Sheen impression and interviewing Justin Bieber (Miley Cyrus).

Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus.

Transcript

The Strokes performs “Under Cover of Darkness”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Winners/Losers. The Devil (Jason Sudeikis) comments that he doesn’t support the Westborough Baptist Church’s protest of gay military funerals. Secondhand news correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) bungles more news stories.

Recurring Characters: The Devil, Anthony Crispino.

Transcript

Les Jeunes de ParisSummary: Francois (Taran Killam) endures dance-off and drinks tossed in his face when his girlfriend (Miley Cyrus) catches him dancing at the cafe with another girl (Nasim Pedrad).

Recurring Characters: Francois, Marius.

Transcript

BeastlySummary: In a new movie trailer, (Andy Samberg) turns beastly and is tasked with finding a woman who will love him for who he is on the inside.

Transcript

Rock-A-Billy Lady Party Moisturizing Facial CreamSummary: Lynn Doot (Kristen Wiig) and Jamilla Rose la Perkins (Miley Cyrus) offer a free Moisturizing Facial Cream CD with the purchase of their facial cream.

Transcript

The Strokes perform “Life Is Simple In The Moonlight”

Cruise ShipSummary: Cruise ship performer Ginger Rangers (Miley Cyrus) sings about how gross she finds her patrons.

Transcript

CBS Gurney PromosSummary: March is Gurney Month on CBS, which features lots and lots of dead bodies!

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Gadaffi InterviewSummary: During an interview, Muammer Gadaffi (Fred Armisen) behaves in an incoherent Charlie Sheen manner.

Recurring Characters: Muammer Gadaffi.

Pep RallySummary: Principal Frye (Jay Pharoah) gets overemotional about a pair of enthusiastic cheerleaders (Nasim Pedrad, Miley Cyrus).

Recurring Characters: Principal Frye.

Emo PalsSummary: Emo pals (Paul Brittain, Miley Cyrus) are down about everybody and everything.

Hahhan MontanaSummary: Miley Cyrus is creeped out by an elderly lady’s (Kristen Wiig) Hannah Montana obsession.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 15

10o: Russell Brand / Chris Brown

The King’s Taster

King Reginald…..Russell Brand
Taster…..Taran Killam
Chef…..Bill Hader

[ open on scroll over painted castle backdrop ]

Announcer: “In medieval England, it was customary for kings to employ a royal taster. These brave souls would try all of the monarch’s food — to ensure it contained no poison. Our story takes palce in the court of King Reginald.”

[ dissolve to King Reginald’s dining table, as his new taster sits ]

Royal Taster: King Reginald — thank you so much for choosing ME to be your royal taster!

King Reginald: What can I say — I am a man of gr-r-r-r-reat taste!

[ King Reginald laughs heartily ]

Royal Taster: Very funny!

King Reginald: Thank you! It’s nice to hear a kind word after a day of receiving death threats.

Royal Taster: Death threats?

King Reginald: Yes! I’m a very unpopular king! But — fear not! We’re quite safe here.

Royal Taster: Oh. That’s good.

King Reginald: Yes! I have NO enemies within these walls! [ he glances offscreen and yells ] CHE-E-E-E-E-E-FFFFF!! GET YOUR FAT. ANGULAR ASS IN HERE!!!

[ the Chef dredges into the room with a harried look upon his face ]

Chef: What do you want NOW, you monster?!!

Royal Taster: Why is your chef so angry with you?

King Reginald: Oh — last night’s beef was a little tough, so I had his family killed! [ he laughs ]

[ the Chef develops a lasting scowl upon his face ]

Royal Taster: [ worried ] And this gentleman prepares all of your food?

King Reginald: Yes! The ones you’ll be tasting! [ to Chef ] CHEFFF!! PRETEND YOU HAVE A BRAIN, AND BRING ME SOME PEA SOUP!!! BECAUSE THAT’S ALL YOU’RE GOOD FOR!!!

Chef: You’re driving me crazy! One day you’ll push me to the edge! Ooh, I’ll get you your pea soup!! It’s going to be a meal — TO DIE FOR!!!

[ the Chef retreats to the kitchen ]

King Reginald: Ah! Sounds tasty!

Royal Taster: Uh, King? I think the chef means to poison you.

King Reginald: No, no, don’t worry about that, Taster — he’s all blaster! [ yelling toward the kitchen ] ISN’T THAT RIGHT, YOU ASS-MOUTHED CHEF?!!

[ the Chef tumbles out of the kitchen and stands menacingly over King Reginald ]

King Reginald: [ standing ] YOU DON’T HAVE THE STONES TO CHALLENGE ME!! Oh, sure — you may be my COUSIN, who’s next in line to be KING!! Meaning, if I die, YOU INSTANTLY BECOME KING!! But, rrrrright now, you’re NOTHING but a COWARDLY CHEF!!! [ he rubs food over the Chef’s face ] See how I HUMILIATE you, and MOCK you with the bread you baked!!!

Chef: OHHHHH!! I’M GOING TO POISON YOU!!! I’m going to put POISON in your food!! And you’re going to DIE!!!

[ the Chef retreats to the kitchen ]

Royal Taster: Wow! He — he just came out and SAID it!

King Reginald: What? Oh, come on! Blast! What’s the worst he could do?

Royal Taster: FEED US POISON!!

King Reginald: Ahhh! I think you’re being a bit paranoid!

[ the Chef returns with a bowl of soup ]

King Reginald: Oh, goodie! Soup! [ to his Taster ] Be a lamb and taste it, will you?

[ the Taster nervously raises the spoon to his mouth ]

King Reginald: WAIT!!! You can’t eat this.

Royal Taster: Oh. thank God!

King Reginald: No — it still needs salt. [ to the Chef ] SALT IT, YOU MORON!!!

[ the King and Chef exchange dirty looks, then the Chef pours from a chalise marked “POISON” ]

Royal Taster: That is — that’s very obviously POISON!!

King Reginald: Oh, calm down, will you, Taster? I think you’re being rather cynical!

Chef: [ he puts the bowl before King Reginald ] I hope you choke it down! Choke it down and EAT IT!! [ he moves the bowl to the Taster ] Oh, I’m sorry — you first.

[ the Taster weeps as he lifts the spoon to his mouth ]

Royal Taster: Hey, you know what? That’s actually very good! There’s a subtle hint of —

[ too late — the Taster falls dead to the floor ]

King Reginald: [ playfully ] Che-e-ef? Did you just try to poison me?

Chef: [ slyly ] I’ll never tell!

King Reginald: Go! You cheeky chef! You’re the BEST in the business! [ calling out ] Bring me another t-t-t-t-taster!

[ freeze-frame, with SCROLL ]

Announcer: “This has been “The King’s Speech”. Now you can say you saw it!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts